as a father of a 2 year old and very sassy daughter, i went through a few parenting styles , and this are my reflections. always be open to learn and to be taught , not just by others, but even by your child. always be ready to shift and constantly adjust your parenting style according to your childs personality remember you will make mistakes , try to forgive yourself and become better.
Yup. Felt like a huge blind spot. Obviously hard to address with a limited time, but at least mentioning extremely negative situations would have been helpful...
It's true that she doesn't mention abuse. However, isn't abuse a perspective? Many abusers believe they are being "good parents" when implementing their parenting style. Look at people who spank their kids; they somehow rationalize that hitting someone is an effective way to parent. Consider honor killings, which are supported and widely carried out in countries all over the world. This is not considered 'abuse', let alone 'murder', and in fact 'restores honor and removes shame' from the family, from the murderous family's perspective. Our reality is also shaped by our perspective. One child may consider spanking to be abusive, while another, may consider it a necessary parenting tool to help the child learn to guide their own behavior. At the end of the day, many children who have experienced abuse, from their perspective, grow up to make incredibly positive contributions to society, and conversely, there have been many loving, kind, and well meaning parents, who have raised a human that becomes a very dark, mean spirited, unhealthy, and abusive adult.
This completely ignores the expansive research on how parents do indeed shape their children. ACEs, or adverse childhood experiences (like emotional neglect, an imprisoned parent, an emotionally or physically ill parent, critical or overbearing parent, switching schools, community violence, hunger...almost all of us have ACEs and thus trauma) lead to major dysfunctions in neurological, physical, physiological, mental, emotional etc developments that carry on into adulthood. They lead to early death through chronic disease, low achievement and thus low wages and living and working conditions and likelihood of living in polluted areas, depression and anxiety and other disorders which also in turn cause physical disease...I could write a book. Our parents can shape how we think, live, our views of ourselves and our views of others and thus the world, what we achieve...not to say that we can't grow, learn better, change, heal...but to say that no matter who parents a child, they will be the same person is so idiotic and absurd and anti-science, I really can't believe it's posted here
I think she's a person living in a fair bit of grief, and this idea's got her filled with hope, despite how flawed it is. Desperation in the face of a close loved one's impending doom can make us believe stupid things.
I stayed and watched through the whole thing and I get what she's trying to say and yeah it can help people who have you know had the children that have done horrible things but I think for the vast majority. This is absolute nonsense.. and I mean that scientifically like this is absolutely nonsensical. So a 100% agree with your comment I can't believe that this could be a TED talk at all
Ill preface this with the fact that I had not great parents and I am disabled with CPTSD and other mental health stuff. I think the subject of this was well intentioned parents who love their children and want what is best for them, not necessarily abusive or neglectful parents. Our experiences are just not part of this discussion because it is obvious that harming a child will massively impact them. If a child grows up in a loving home, it doesnt really matter which loving home it is. If a child grows up in an abusive home vs a loving home of course the child in the abusive home is going to have a hard life riddle with mental health issues.
It has been found that infants brought up in a family where one parent is "loving" but the other is "hostile" towards the child causes maldevelopment of the parts of the brain that govern anger. As adults such children often have "anger management" problems ...they can suddenly switch from a calm demeanour to extreme anger.. Psychiatrists who really "know the score" speak of the influence of the "significant other" in the person's childhood. Other types of parental behaviour cause depression in adult life. The worst thing a mother can do to a toddler when out and about is to threaten to leave it ...the infant can experience a profound panic ... that can lead to schizophrenia in adult life.
This is what many parents who made poor choices often say! It's not their fault right?... How many people who have extremely obese children that develop type 2 diabetes say "I wonder how this happened, some people just get it right? "? Maybe the sugar filled poptarts for breakfast, the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and the kraft dinner for supper (I'm Canadian, we don't generally say dinner) most days has something to do with it? Feed your child these poor excuses for food and their brains most likely won't fully develop and their hormones will often be imbalanced to the point where they often make poor decisions. Give your child complete freedom to watch whatever they choose on TH-cam for hours on end and what morals they learn. Only people who don't blame themselves when they make mistakes in child raising because it's uncomfortable tend to believe this unsupported nonsense!
@@billygauthier9512 well said! It's such a pity and so unfortunate that so many so-called parents who really destroyed their children's childhoods, adult lives, and so on don't even acknowledge the mistakes they did. they don't even think or feel the normal feeling of regret and they're incapable of expressing any kind of remorse or actual accountability even later in life. They feel nothing and more than 'I did my best' a child doesn't usually hear. It's just so destructive and dangerous from many points of view.
I suspect you didn't watch the video.. the point she was making wasn't that parents have zero impact, it was more that they have no control over how the child will be impacted. Different people will take away different things from the same experience.
My mother has high expectations, and when I couldn't live up to that she would constantly compare me with other people's children. She would praise my elder sister constantly till this day. After 35 years, I realized this has caused me to question myself, lost my confidence and afraid to stand up for myself (because she would always give me the eye & ever ready to point out my faults). I will not be like her with my children. I had a miscarriage and she still chose to tell me that one person (both of us knew) who is older than me "could get pregnant and have a baby". Parents! Just love your children no matter what.
I think a lots of parent tend to do that ;praising someone else just to make you work harder, I think your mom might not have done that to cause you this lack of confidence, I think its the lack of knowledge about the psychological impact that she can cause by saying those things to you. My mother also use compare to others, saying there doing better why can’t you be like him or her . I know it didn’t help me to get better except to cause me low self esteem. I have kids on of my own now and I caught myself saying those things to my daughter and I try to stop it whenever I realize it. At lease it can do more damage then good. We have to reevaluate our parenting skills and interventions to do better .
@@konjokonjit9626 it is a shame you haven't received more likes for your "truthful comment". I'm positive there are parents that purposely degrade their children out of dislike, however I think your views on why you were treated the way you were hold true much more often in society. Your words could help many people heal and give understanding to their upbringings. Thank you :)
i am sorry you have this story, but it doesn't have to define you. you are an articulate, intelligent human worthy of more love than you can imagine. i am sure you will be a fabulous mother!
What a wonderful lady with a message/knowledge (based on profund studies, but also on her own expierience) that creates hope, gratefulnes and brings peace and acceptance, destroyes ugly selfblame and blame from others and that inspires to go no, no matter what 🦋.
This whole 'how children turn out' thing kind of bugs me, we change throughout our lives I'm still changing, my kids are changing. We change together throughout our lives, helping each other along the way as we need it. There is no end goal of how we turned out. Life doesn't work like that.
Agree. Each time she mentioned "success", I thought: stop, I don't care about that, I wish my children feel fulfilled. She didn't make this important distinguishment.
YESSSSS. Life has so many seasons. You can be on top of the world one year and at the absolute bottom the next - change is the only constant here. Also the idea of success and happiness are so warped my modern capitalism - i think to have a satisfying life you must follow your interests and passions, take risks, surf the ups and downs, and stand up for what you believe in - which might not necessarily mean being happy and successful all the time or even… ever
I think this is useful for new moms who are so drowned with 'good parenting' they saw on social media. Like if you don't give montessori toys to your kids in time, they will not develop to their full potential and thus will be a late bloomer and fail academically. Or those ads that claim they can pinpoint a child's talent & potential just by their fingerprints. And as she said, for parents who blame themselves for their child's 'fault', also for parents who blame their every problems on their parents--who are actually kind & great parents, but still human with their own shortcomings (not gonna talk about abusive or other mentally incompetent people). This video is soothing for me, and i empathise so much with her experience. I don't understand why a talk is not deemed good if it's not up to your standard. It simply means that you are not the target audience, and i see nothing wrong with it.
Definitely a video full of and with enormous truths... it´s like me and my brother,. We´ve been raised the same way, same parents, same conditions, and, in fact, we couldn´t be more distintic from each other. It´s not only parents and friends in general what shapes a person. Many things influence a child. Sometimes a person is what he or she is and there´s nothing to do with anything.
Studies 3 years, Studies 4 more for PhD Spends years studying problem Form hypothesis, gather evidence Test hypothesis, form conclusion Report conclusions, clear peer reviews Peer reviewed, makes talk Intenett: "nop"
@@tzadik. he communicated that years of research has went into this subject and the science says otherwise. Science is the best method we have for discovering truth. Explain 2 children growing up in the same household and turning out to be complete opposites? Or 2 children going through the exact same trauma and responding completely differently
@@Bughugger Vietnam certainly had it. Did you know that you have to go through a test of aptitude in order to procreate in Vietnam? I wish this applied to the rest of the world.
We only "borrow" our children for a very short time... 20 years of the life expectancy of 80+ years. Hold them close to your heart, pray for them, feed their minds, body and souls... Amazing song? Wayne Watson. Watercolor Ponies. Will stop you straight, dead-up in your mind/heart tracks. ⚘ 🙏❤🙏 ⚘
@@Plantlover888 Why? You as a parent decide to have a child. And if you are not financially stable enough why have a child. Why be so selfish for your own personal luck and put your child through that. And I'm not talking about extreme situations.
The words “success” and “successful” are used a lot here. I’ve never thought about these words in raising my children (which I’m still doing). I emphasize priorities with them. Showing them how to respect others and themselves etc. At the end of the day, relationships are what bring fulfillment. My hope is I teach them how to communicate and listen so they will have productive relationships. Rich, poor, etc is not my concern. But then again, what do I know. 🤣
Hello brothers and sisters. I would just like to recommend that everyone read the book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’. Reading that book was the best desicion I ever made.
finally,, some talk that reduces the pressure we all feel.. witch can make us do our chiden wrong and be harsh on them..... honestly? I feel a little relieved
What rollercoaster of emotions I've been sustaining during this quite paradoxically monotonous toned expressed trip that was this video, Ted videos really are one of the unique organisations that 100%, emphasis on the entirety of the compliance, stay true to their slogan, absolutely ideas worth sharing. Also am kinda happy to be reinforced by such a high authority in the field that I had the right kind of perspective on the way I would one day do my part of parenting, peace //
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To be honest I don't really like this talk, it is just very vague and also doesn't go on the other side of the spectrum, that how a person is affects the child, and if they are violent and broken this can pass onto the child. It is much more generalised which can be a bit dangerous.
thats because you are a man this is talk for women by a woman for stay home mums and wannabe stay home mums or students of child psychology preferably not a mum and not wannabee mums either. im a stay home dad raising 3 and 7y olds going to start posting stuff on my youtube as im tired of listening to rubbish like this
17 minutes given to a Ted Talk and I'm wondering what I watched. This is that kind of talk where someone wants to do good by some people and end up doing nothing or doing worse. I get it that we have a lot of confusing parenting styles, but trying to make it look like no matter how hard we try it's a thing of luck is more like saying, 'don't bother trying, we're all gonna die anyways.' Parents can do more, and as a former child and currently a parent, I think we need to be constantly improving because our actions matter a lot.
all i’m saying is two teachers and my psychologist have called child protection on my parents 3 times in the past and i’ve spent collectively 6 months inpatient in children’s psychiatric hospitals from diagnosed as PTSD and depression induced psychosis… and the depression itself 🤦♀️ my brain is shaped around all of that. i’m 18 in three months. this is NOT an excuse for non self-aware abusive parents - including emotionally and verbally, the not so physically apparent forms of abuse - to reinforce that ignorance and their massive fucking role in their child’s path. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU. my mum is in complete denial of her personal emotionally abusive part. complete denial. claims she did everything right, that i and everyone blame her. i know how dangerous this video would be if she saw it. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ABUSIVE PARENTS. KEEP THAT IN MIND. this is low key dangerous. there is so so so so so much substantiated evidence that our upbringing and exposure during development affects the child. so much.
@@jameelsaazer man this means so much to me. i was just on youtube and got this notification - in the comment i said i was 17, and 18 in 3 months. im 20 now lmao i totally forgot i wrote this comment. things are better now, i am optimistic these days, thank you :)
There's a saying in Chinese 以身作則, meaning that you teach by your own example. Children learn behaviors from their parents. There's definitely some "science" behind that.
@@imedisoni what does that even mean My character is a sum of my actions, experiences, and perceptions If someone's "character" is boisterous or arrogant, it's because they present *behaviors* that lead to those conclusions, like, what is your definition of "character"
She admits children are shaped by their “cultural environment” but completely ignores the role of parents (as adults) in curating that. Who does she think creates culture - the fairies? Also she ignores the role of parents in setting basic norms around moral boundaries and standards of behaviour from an early pre-school age eg don’t hit your school buddies and don’t steal their lunchbox etc.
I think her point consists in the uncertainty of outcomes from different styles of education. The ones you said she's ignored are more likely the basic and common part of education that would be included in mostly every kind of education, and is actually not the point of her lecture. She was trying to tell that certain educational measure cannot promise a specific result, in short.
@@Spt41007 sorry but I don’t agree with you. Her lecture was not focused on the effects of the ‘education system’ but it was focused specifically on the effects of ‘parents’. Just look at the title of the lecture itself!
The famous triplets who, in recent times, found one another after decades believing they were single births learned that they were deliberately separated in order for science to research the Nature vs Nurture theory. It was determined that it's nurturing that matters most in child development
I could believe that. Once saw a doccie _What Darwin never knew or something. One of the things I learned is that even if something is inherent in your genes, often it has to be triggered by your environment to come into play
There's actually no advice in this video, just a series of analogies backing up a statement that the same parenting can have different outcomes on siblings living in the same house. Meh.
Parenting is not a consistent and clear method. You can find different methods and ways how to behave with your children, but the most important thing is being flexible and resilient to adjust yourself to the current situation. Your children can behave in unpredictable ways and you should be able to manage and handle the situation. But still, there is a question for me, how to evaluate our parenting methods? How to realise that we are on the correct path or not? Is there anything we need to change? Where do we stand in our children's life?
Didn't want to comment but thought it may help others. It's a nice talk and we are saddened to learn of Yuko's son's experience. However, parents are the greatest influencers over their own children, and in some cases, other children though not their own, but spend a considerable amount of time with them. The talk and message are slightly vague and there was no real science in this presentation. Not diminishing Mrs. Munakata's courage to share her experience and do indeed agree with the overall point about allowing a child to become whatever they choose without the parent feeling guilty. However, we unequivocally state that parenting has a profound effect on the overall result of how a child views life's journey, not limited to external factors such as socioeconomic factors, community, schooling, and so forth. The child will ultimately decide how they behave as they grow into adulthood, but a parent's guidance can greatly affect 'how' they view any particular circumstance or decision. Finding the balance to allow a child to figure things out for themselves, while also protecting them from harm, is in fact a parent's greatest challenge.
But when a child is enthusiastic about books, studies, science and crafts and the child is dependent on the parents for the materials, and the parents don't even notice or appreciate his appreciation let alone provide them books or materials then obviously those parents are responsible.
it is about child development - not experience, not knowledge, not feats - just development. sadly most people don't get that here - they set experience identical with development and knowledge. this talk here is about general development. and the study weights in the 90th percentile - not extreme situations like abuse, wealth, poorness etc.
What her talk focuses on is more towards how growing up in identical environments can have different impacts on people, but most parents probably want to know how to create the best possible environment for their children, right?
My sons were so different in so many ways. one took his life. The other one ended up in jail because of drugs. He is now a real blessing to me. I always blamed myself for their destruction but realized there is free will and no matter how much I talked to them...it didn't matter. They chose the road they went down. They either learned from their experiences or gave up on life.
I don't know about shaping the kids' future, but parents can definitely teach the kids to be polite, civilized and kind citizens for sure. Parents can definitely teach their children that violence, stealing, robbing, and killing are definitely immoral and BAD! Parents can also teach their children that they shouldn't do anything that will hurt or hinder someone else's freedom or life. Just a few basics to operate in a civilized society that has mutual empathy and respect 🙏🏼
This quote screams "girlboss". Litteraly my mom says this kind of things and is just profoundly abusing under the disguise of "doing her best". Parents have to be held to a certain standard in raising their kids
@@Misuzu4213 ...lol! Well your sign on screams that u r a Punk Kid 🤷🏼♀️ Idk my friend, some parents are good & some parents are bad. We humans are all doing our best to get thru this life. Nothing can be perfect in this world of outside of Jesus, so we just do our best. I had narcissistically abusive parents, so I married a narcissistically abusive man (now divorced). Yet my 2 daughters and I are very close. I am a very good mom, but am in no stretch perfect. Some of us grow up, others grow into adulthood victims & then victimize their own kids. You get to decide who you are, and his you treat the people you love in life (kids or not). So don’t blame your parents, put them behind you & strive to be better. Much love! ❤️
It’s a nice message but I think inaccurate. The example of her and her husband is likely because he is a secure attachment style and she is anxious attachment style. Attachment styles are directly related to the way parents raise their children.
She totally dismisses the fact that not every parent is emotionally stable or strong enough to raise a child. Being to critical on a child, emotianol outbreaks, emotional neglect, VERBAL ABUSE those are ALL things that will effect your children and sometime eventually traumatise them. If you are not emotionally stable enough and decide to have a child and ignore the fact that you are responsible for the way you child turnes out, DONT BE SUPRISES THAT THEY CUT YOU OFF. This video is for parents who are emotionally stable, who don't suffer from generational trauma and the ones that are not abusive. Cause for a fact you ARE the one who shapes your child and the experiences it has and why it is fucked up later because YOU traumatized them. So I repeat. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN IF YOU ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY STABLE. This video is for NON ABUSIVE Parents.
2] The Q of asking if children are more alike if raised by the same parents seems to be off the mark to what patents really want. Not that they should be more alike, but happoer, healthier, and more able to cope with and adapt to life.
For God's sake this is a professional not having a clue about the recent neurological discoveries about orchid and dendallion children. Also, how is the attachment style you develop not shaping you as a person?! I am speechless.
These studies of twins have been criticised by scholars because it does not take in to account that the twins share early history and trauma. They are already shaped somewhat.
Parents can mold their kids, but only _before_ they start school and start getting influenced by others. And even then, it's not always guaranteed because there have been plenty of good parents with bad kids and bad parents with good kids.
I probably wasn't able to grasp what she said, First she said parent can act like butterfly wings which later turn into hurricanes, meaning small parenting skills can different the outcome of their child in the long run. And then she said it doesn't matter who raise the children. Bruh?
I respect the massive amount of research, and I would love to hear how they accounted for this...I can't get around the fact that in a family the parent(s ) treat their children radically differently, so the implicit premise I hear in this talk that two or more children were raised in the same household must have a shared baseline experience is an untenable assumption, as it is not the same house, each child in that household lives in a radically different world...the spolied/favorite child lives in a different universe than the neglected one or the one deemed a black sheep at birth. So all the research that says children born in the same household were raised alike is a deeply flawed premise. The differences they perceived in a given household doesn't demonstrate that parenting doesn't matter, it shines a light on the under discussed fact that parents treat their children in unfair and drastically different ways, so each child in the household has a unique experience and will develop accordingly.
This is spot on. I believe genetics play a part, is very obvious that my sister and I have very different temperaments but no two children are raised by the same parents or socioeconomic circumstances. My sister and I were raised in complete different situations with my mum behaving differently as a result.
I'm with this "idea" I've talked about it once..if there comes a day when a license is required or countries begin teaching indivisuals and testing them before alllowing them to have kids.. I'll be really thankful
Certainly, this is the beauty of life, not being able to control someone's life we struggle with our own life. Choices are made every day, every opportunity. Still, we can't shape how our sons and daughters may behave and choose their paths.
I sorta know how bicycles work, but I would be lost in repairing them. I've been cycling for 18 years. I can pump up the tires, adjust the saddle, handlebar, and I guess I can fix a chain to the cogs if I have to, but only if it's just slightly out of place. That's about it, I wouldn't know how to replace a tire or patch a puncture, for example. To add the parental perspective: My dad always rather fixed my bike for me instead of having me do it, because that was easier than teaching me. This is where the side of the child comes in though, I suppose, because I was never interested in learning about bikes. If I don't care, I usually won't remember.
I think parents can affect their children in ways that are difficult for scientific experiments to measure. E.g. how the child feels about intimate relationships, the child's attitude towards getting married and starting a family, or whether the child is drawing strength from her childhood to tackle everyday adversities or is the child drawing strength from everyday life to mend childhood scars.
My father completely ignored me when I, a 13 year old traumatized kid who didn’t know how else to communicate, showed him I wanted to kill myself by acting out slitting my wrists. He just shook his head at me as if to say “stop it” like I was looking for attention. This speech does not take into account parents who neglect their children, so with all due respect, don’t tell me to stop blaming my parents.
I'm sorry to hear that. You're responsible for the choices that you make in your life, no one else makes your choices. I can only hope that you will make positive choices that will improve your life, and choices that help you grow as a person. I hope you are able to find help, and I hope that both your father and you learn how to talk to people, and more importantly each other. If you cannot explain yourself, you'll never be understood.
Old adage, from a Major Old Lady, aka Mom... We cannot take all of the credit for the good or the bad behavior or character traits in our kids. They can be raised in a great home, and turn out hellions or serial murderers. They can be raised in a hellish environment and turn out to be an Angel of mercy and going on to be a World leader or World changer, right? Keep your chin up, people, ok? ⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
/ Inspiring! I'm 31 and happily retired from my job last year, built over $ 1 million in net worth.Just being smart and frugal with my money right now. A lot of Thanks to my parents for putting me forward to personal finances and investing earlier. I'm teaching my Husband the same lol.
Well... That's REALLY good to know. Phew... Because I know so many seemingly amazing parents, I always felt I wasn't enough. Thank you and bless your wise words. Sending prayers to you and your little ones🙏🏼
I don't know if anyone would read this but here I go I'm a 14 year old teen who's trying to remain positive and strong 24/7. Growing up I was a happy kid. Both of my parents loved me and still do I guess? But what is love for your child? I never knew what it was. No one ever taught me any word of wisdom yet Alhamdulillah I'm well aware of it. Growing up in a south asian household I thought scolding swearing and abusing kids were normal. This was all cuz of my mom. She did a lot for me a lot but you should be aware of what you should say to your kid right? Recklessly hitting shouting swearing and etc etc. And guess what she never had a reason, I never got a single complain from my school and always got good grades. Then why? Well I wish I knew. Today she kicked me in my forehead while I was having a conversation with dad (dad is friendly tho) It just hurts. A lot. Specially when you know you’ve done nothing wrong. She called me bad spirit. I still just wanna say that if this happens to you please don't feel bad you're not alone and It's never your fault. You'll go through hardships and It's okay, may God forgive them and show them the right path even tho It's already too late. Kids who are being abused can never be the same again. Never. If you're watching this I just wanna say that I love you and you're precious 🤍 Thanks for reading till the end.
So basically, according to her, one shall give birth and let them loose because it's already pre-determined by genetics how child is going to turn out. If they do not have any influence, I wonder what parenting is all about then ? If two children are turning out different from each other, it's highly possibly one is influenced by mother and another by father. Using this to say, it's all genetics and environment and none parenting is absurd.
This women literally says nothing for the 1st half of the talk. Parents inflict trauma weather its intentional or not, a good parent will understand the differences in their kids and parent accordingly. Parents have a MASSIVE influence over the development of their kids. I understand her point about how a child's core nature is hereditary but the way a parent deals with that core nature has a very big influence on the child's view and approach to the world and their subsequent success or failure. I by no means feel I am defined by my parents but I definitely hold resent towards my addict mother and my father being absent. Telling parents not to blame themselves as blanket advice is dangerous, you can't understand the intricacies in the social fabric of a family unit, even one that looks very stable and happy on the surface. This talk is addressed to a specific kind of parent and not really to many other parents who don't necessarily hold the same assumed motives that this women characterizes parents with. I understand her point but the speaker is far too assuming of who she is talking to. I don't have all the research collected in one place and I'm not a psychologist but I just struggle accept her narrative especially based on my experiences and those of many around me.
At the end what she wants to say without faithful words is that our children’s outcome ultimately depends on God and we have to love them and give Him the trust that He shapes them to their perfection if we allow! In you I trust my GOD my LORD!🙏🏽🥰
I hope she and her kid find happiness. This doesn't seem like a scientific presentation... more an odd collection of assumptions based on flimsy evidence for about 9 minutes or so... followed by a brief period of sanity during which she almost seemed a tad impartial - which was refreshing, but no more enlightening, since the stated evidence didn't support her conclusions - and finished off with what seemed to be some wallowing in her fiercely personal need to share her mingled grief and hope with others. Gets people talking, I guess. Worst presentation I've ever seen on TED though, by a massive margin.
@@lix8888 metanalyses often are difficult to draw conclusions from because they analyze so many different experiments with varying conditions. They are not science’s strongest means of experimenting, randomized controlled trials that accurately represent the sample it is studying are best. I agree with John, I found the video title misleading for the content but I sympathize with the speaker
It seems that the best we can do is provide our children with 'tools' to help them to navigate their own worlds. Like how to treat others, deal with fear and anxiety and how to critically think about complex matters and how to be strong but empathetic. Aside from that make their environment at home as fun, encouraging and educational as possible.
when i was a kid i used to get hit by my parents and i didnt care when i became older i understood y my parent used to hit me it is because the did not want me to go the wrong path but they always loved me even tho sometimes when i do the wrong thing they hit me. so yh i mostly think its how countries raise their children and most problems comes from the western countries. when i have children i will raise the way i was taught by my parents is the best way for me.
This is honestly ridiculous. I was hoping for some tips on what I can do to help my kids, and here I am being told that literally everything I do all day every day as a mom of young children doesn’t matter whatsoever. So trying my best all day to be a happy & positive & loving mom makes no difference on them as opposed to being unloving & yelling at them all day? I beg to differ and will never believe that. I’m so confused why this is even a TED talk
Any absolute conclusion is dangerous. In the same manner that this concludes that parenting is more hereditary than anything there is no statement about what other science says about what is more likely true: It is always a combination of nature and nurture, never just one.
- it makes me wonder about which studies were used and how the children and parents were followed. Also would crappy neglectful parents even be a part of studies used for this research? If my parents were asked to be part of a study they would not have done so willingly. Parents are the number one “conditioners” in early childhood I had assumed. It makes me think of Little Albert. That poor child was conditioned to be terrified of white things. Also the problem of how two kids in the same family can experience two entirely different parenting experiences. This talk opened up so many questions for me. Most parents want to do right by their children but I would assume that this talk could give parents license to treat their children with less regard? I get we have no control over what our little humans will turn out like given the best of circumstances and what effects will be carried with them and what will not. The discovery that trauma is carried down genetically how would that work with this theory? Interesting talk
i think the whole video is based on genetics and environment and how they affect each other meaning genetically inherited character won't surface if not triggered. and a person growing in beautiful env(subjective to diff person though)
Of course abuse suffered will influence children in their adulthood. But this talk is not about that. It seems (clearly from the comments so far) that people are very touchy about parenting and 'feel' they do influence their kids. There are numerous studies that show how genes and the wider environment have a much bigger influence on how kids turn out. Siblings can be widely different from each other even though they are growing up in the same home (genes can combine in many different combinations we don't influence - yet) and studies confirm that it is better for a kid to have bad parents in a good neighbourhood than vice versa. Twin adoption studies show how remarkably similar identical twins separated at birth are even if they grew up with very different parents. Of course you have some influence on your kids, but probably by far not as much as you think. For more please check out Steven Pinker's Blank Slate and Blueprint by Robert Plomin.
Agreed! Also read those 2 books, they´re both great and insightfull! As you point out correctly, people are so touchy about this subject and just dont want to hear the facts ... and also saying that genes make a difference is scandalous in todays society ...
Thank you for your sensible input and it's very kind of you to use the label touchy. I'm still left a little overwhelmed, how some people don't just view this content, but have the audacity to drop some arguably defensive and shallow comments. This woman has clearly got years of academic experience, scientific back up (that took many scientists a lot of time) and is a parents herself. To comment something like "I don't think so." is always valid (free opinion), though inconsiderate.
TWINS- I’m an identical twin - even raised in the same bedroom and classroom most of our youth - and yet she and I turned out quite differently - any other identical twins out there feel the same ?????
She never said that the child will be the same person no matter who parents them. She said that children will not be the same, even with an exact parenting recipe. Learn the difference between the two.
"Adverse Childhood Experiences are the single greatest unaddressed public health threat facing our nation today." - Dr. Robert Block, former president of the American Academy of Pediatrics Please become trauma informed. Especially if you're a parent, take the time to learn about multigenerational trauma.
The problem is we are spiritual beings having human experience and we are to pass on emotional mental stability with a emphasis on LOVE ~ really treating others as we want to be treated ~. We are waaaaay to deep in this season on earth for most to still be living in poverty. She said it People don’t know how cycles work Kids can’t explain gravity but it affects them ~ there are 12 spiritual laws as well ~ we need a more spiritual based family foundation ~ we all only get 24 hours at a time and depending on how those 24 are spent will give you your perception of reality ~ my experience is A DAILY REPRIEVE FROM THE WATERS OF CHAOS ON EARTH BASED ON MY SPIRITUAL CONDITION Until we live in harmony again with earth and each other things here will get worse
The concept of parenting as an occupation, or working, is typical, and it holds a sense of permanence in our adult minds. It is not a science, at all, with little or no measures. Good grades and earning potential, too, have little correlation to parenting, unless it is the rod enforcing the study time. I'd rather look at parenting as a practice, individualized in each case. It's not so much about what decisions we make, but how we go about making decisions. We make decisions about parenting based on what little knowledge we have, and on our own lived experiences. Sometimes, I think other parents make dumb decisions. They ARE dumb, but the parent doesn't realize that, and so continue dumb parenting. Parenting as a gatekeeper or taskmaster only limits learning. Instead, parenting as practice establishes a framework that places the child's unique development first, followed by reflection, and adjustments in order to improve practice. The one, and only, thing every parent has in common...there is precious little time to parent. Parenting and childhood are "temporary" circumstances that can, and do, affect the rest of our lives. It's imperative that we do the best we can, and that we empower ourselves with tools to improve our parenting, today. Because, soon the opportunity will be gone, and there are no second chances.
That is BS. Imagine in a religious family one child is straight and the other is both an atheist and gay. Do you really think the behaviour of the parents is of no influence especially if they treat the gay child like a persona non grata and concentrate all their attention on the other? Do you really think this child would grow up the same if he was fully accepted by the parents and treated the same way the other one was? You are generalizing something that can not be generalized.
I feel enormously triggered and invalidated. If I have not been born and lived with abusive parents, I would not have developed severe PTSD and major depressive disorders. This “researchers” completely disregard the children’ experience could be influenced by the power dynamics in the home: whether they are treated fairly received unconditional love or not, or they have been treated like a scapegoats therefore they feel stifled and controlled
I just can’t agree. If the parents are abusive the child is more likely to be abusive. One statistic that proves that in at least one way parents shape children’s future
"Environment shapes your kid's path more than parenting." You act like that's a discovery but people have been choosing not to move to Cleveland to raise kids for decades!
Even if you’re science is true, that our parenting has no affect on the future of our children, that shouldn’t mean that we stop parenting. There’s no consequence for good parenting but by not parenting at all we could severely be damaging a bright future.
as a father of a 2 year old and very sassy daughter, i went through a few parenting styles , and this are my reflections.
always be open to learn and to be taught , not just by others, but even by your child.
always be ready to shift and constantly adjust your parenting style according to your childs personality
remember you will make mistakes , try to forgive yourself and become better.
This message is for loving parents that don’t abuse children. Abusers can shape a child’s life.
Exactly!
Great
Yes. Her view of "parenting" is extremely and unhelpfully narrow
Yup. Felt like a huge blind spot. Obviously hard to address with a limited time, but at least mentioning extremely negative situations would have been helpful...
It's true that she doesn't mention abuse. However, isn't abuse a perspective? Many abusers believe they are being "good parents" when implementing their parenting style. Look at people who spank their kids; they somehow rationalize that hitting someone is an effective way to parent. Consider honor killings, which are supported and widely carried out in countries all over the world. This is not considered 'abuse', let alone 'murder', and in fact 'restores honor and removes shame' from the family, from the murderous family's perspective.
Our reality is also shaped by our perspective. One child may consider spanking to be abusive, while another, may consider it a necessary parenting tool to help the child learn to guide their own behavior. At the end of the day, many children who have experienced abuse, from their perspective, grow up to make incredibly positive contributions to society, and conversely, there have been many loving, kind, and well meaning parents, who have raised a human that becomes a very dark, mean spirited, unhealthy, and abusive adult.
This completely ignores the expansive research on how parents do indeed shape their children. ACEs, or adverse childhood experiences (like emotional neglect, an imprisoned parent, an emotionally or physically ill parent, critical or overbearing parent, switching schools, community violence, hunger...almost all of us have ACEs and thus trauma) lead to major dysfunctions in neurological, physical, physiological, mental, emotional etc developments that carry on into adulthood. They lead to early death through chronic disease, low achievement and thus low wages and living and working conditions and likelihood of living in polluted areas, depression and anxiety and other disorders which also in turn cause physical disease...I could write a book. Our parents can shape how we think, live, our views of ourselves and our views of others and thus the world, what we achieve...not to say that we can't grow, learn better, change, heal...but to say that no matter who parents a child, they will be the same person is so idiotic and absurd and anti-science, I really can't believe it's posted here
I think she's a person living in a fair bit of grief, and this idea's got her filled with hope, despite how flawed it is. Desperation in the face of a close loved one's impending doom can make us believe stupid things.
Couldn't agree more!
@@InMaTeofDeath ... lol!! I really started questioning their content last yr. So it’s just that to me...”it’s just Ted talk” not necessarily reality.
I stayed and watched through the whole thing and I get what she's trying to say and yeah it can help people who have you know had the children that have done horrible things but I think for the vast majority. This is absolute nonsense.. and I mean that scientifically like this is absolutely nonsensical. So a 100% agree with your comment I can't believe that this could be a TED talk at all
Ill preface this with the fact that I had not great parents and I am disabled with CPTSD and other mental health stuff.
I think the subject of this was well intentioned parents who love their children and want what is best for them, not necessarily abusive or neglectful parents.
Our experiences are just not part of this discussion because it is obvious that harming a child will massively impact them. If a child grows up in a loving home, it doesnt really matter which loving home it is. If a child grows up in an abusive home vs a loving home of course the child in the abusive home is going to have a hard life riddle with mental health issues.
It has been found that infants brought up in a family where one parent is "loving" but the other is "hostile" towards the child causes maldevelopment of the parts of the brain that govern anger. As adults such children often have "anger management" problems ...they can suddenly switch from a calm demeanour to extreme anger.. Psychiatrists who really "know the score" speak of the influence of the "significant other" in the person's childhood. Other types of parental behaviour cause depression in adult life. The worst thing a mother can do to a toddler when out and about is to threaten to leave it ...the infant can experience a profound panic ... that can lead to schizophrenia in adult life.
Thank you for sharing this- it’s made me understand my childhood & development on a more profound level. I’ll research this more thoroughly.
As the child of a schizophrenic mother it is mostly a genetic disorder. Just as many other mental illnesses. This is called predisposition.
@@Plantlover888 My favourite quote by a psychiatrist is: "The psychiatric profession is in two mnds about the concept of schizophrenia".
I have always thought, “Parents get too much credit when their kid turns out ‘good’, and too much blame when their kid turns out ‘bad’.”
This is what many parents who made poor choices often say! It's not their fault right?... How many people who have extremely obese children that develop type 2 diabetes say "I wonder how this happened, some people just get it right? "? Maybe the sugar filled poptarts for breakfast, the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and the kraft dinner for supper (I'm Canadian, we don't generally say dinner) most days has something to do with it? Feed your child these poor excuses for food and their brains most likely won't fully develop and their hormones will often be imbalanced to the point where they often make poor decisions. Give your child complete freedom to watch whatever they choose on TH-cam for hours on end and what morals they learn. Only people who don't blame themselves when they make mistakes in child raising because it's uncomfortable tend to believe this unsupported nonsense!
@@billygauthier9512 well said!
It's such a pity and so unfortunate that so many so-called parents who really destroyed their children's childhoods, adult lives, and so on don't even acknowledge the mistakes they did.
they don't even think or feel the normal feeling of regret and they're incapable of expressing any kind of remorse or actual accountability even later in life. They feel nothing and more than 'I did my best' a child doesn't usually hear.
It's just so destructive and dangerous from many points of view.
I suspect you didn't watch the video.. the point she was making wasn't that parents have zero impact, it was more that they have no control over how the child will be impacted. Different people will take away different things from the same experience.
Wow, this is the most profound thing I’ve heard in a long time. Thank you for this new perspective.
My mother has high expectations, and when I couldn't live up to that she would constantly compare me with other people's children. She would praise my elder sister constantly till this day. After 35 years, I realized this has caused me to question myself, lost my confidence and afraid to stand up for myself (because she would always give me the eye & ever ready to point out my faults). I will not be like her with my children. I had a miscarriage and she still chose to tell me that one person (both of us knew) who is older than me "could get pregnant and have a baby". Parents! Just love your children no matter what.
I think a lots of parent tend to do that ;praising someone else just to make you work harder, I think your mom might not have done that to cause you this lack of confidence, I think its the lack of knowledge about the psychological impact that she can cause by saying those things to you. My mother also use compare to others, saying there doing better why can’t you be like him or her . I know it didn’t help me to get better except to cause me low self esteem. I have kids on of my own now and I caught myself saying those things to my daughter and I try to stop it whenever I realize it. At lease it can do more damage then good. We have to reevaluate our parenting skills and interventions to do better .
@@konjokonjit9626 it is a shame you haven't received more likes for your "truthful comment". I'm positive there are parents that purposely degrade their children out of dislike, however I think your views on why you were treated the way you were hold true much more often in society. Your words could help many people heal and give understanding to their upbringings. Thank you :)
@@billygauthier9512 merci :)
Want to say something like this: "adopt him (the person who is better than you by his/her opinion) if you dislike me that much"
i am sorry you have this story, but it doesn't have to define you. you are an articulate, intelligent human worthy of more love than you can imagine. i am sure you will be a fabulous mother!
What a wonderful lady with a message/knowledge (based on profund studies, but also on her own expierience) that creates hope, gratefulnes and brings peace and acceptance, destroyes ugly selfblame and blame from others and that inspires to go no, no matter what 🦋.
This whole 'how children turn out' thing kind of bugs me, we change throughout our lives I'm still changing, my kids are changing. We change together throughout our lives, helping each other along the way as we need it. There is no end goal of how we turned out. Life doesn't work like that.
Agree. Each time she mentioned "success", I thought: stop, I don't care about that, I wish my children feel fulfilled. She didn't make this important distinguishment.
YESSSSS. Life has so many seasons. You can be on top of the world one year and at the absolute bottom the next - change is the only constant here. Also the idea of success and happiness are so warped my modern capitalism - i think to have a satisfying life you must follow your interests and passions, take risks, surf the ups and downs, and stand up for what you believe in - which might not necessarily mean being happy and successful all the time or even… ever
I think this is useful for new moms who are so drowned with 'good parenting' they saw on social media.
Like if you don't give montessori toys to your kids in time, they will not develop to their full potential and thus will be a late bloomer and fail academically.
Or those ads that claim they can pinpoint a child's talent & potential just by their fingerprints.
And as she said, for parents who blame themselves for their child's 'fault', also for parents who blame their every problems on their parents--who are actually kind & great parents, but still human with their own shortcomings (not gonna talk about abusive or other mentally incompetent people).
This video is soothing for me, and i empathise so much with her experience. I don't understand why a talk is not deemed good if it's not up to your standard. It simply means that you are not the target audience, and i see nothing wrong with it.
Some of the points made in this presentation felt incredibly vague and the result of that can send a very bad message.
Or a very good message
@@shinjidarkfyre how lmao???
people with brains and general logic abilities should be safe.
Definitely a video full of and with enormous truths... it´s like me and my brother,. We´ve been raised the same way, same parents, same conditions, and, in fact, we couldn´t be more distintic from each other. It´s not only parents and friends in general what shapes a person. Many things influence a child. Sometimes a person is what he or she is and there´s nothing to do with anything.
literally watching one movie in elementary school can forever change someone compared to others
Idk...I really feel like parents do play a major part on how their children turn out
Studies 3 years,
Studies 4 more for PhD
Spends years studying problem
Form hypothesis, gather evidence
Test hypothesis, form conclusion
Report conclusions, clear peer reviews
Peer reviewed, makes talk
Intenett: "nop"
@@Thor-js9vh modern science is always evolving. Many theories, even by famous scientists are proven wrong or incomplete everyday.
Its influenced by many different factors and lvl's of conciousness. Emotional mind or rational...
@Thor all you really communicated was that you're comfortable with someone else thinking for you.
@@tzadik. he communicated that years of research has went into this subject and the science says otherwise. Science is the best method we have for discovering truth. Explain 2 children growing up in the same household and turning out to be complete opposites? Or 2 children going through the exact same trauma and responding completely differently
Some people just shouldn't have kids
😂
@Neo Anderson why?
And THIS IS a conversation that I believe is worth having
@@Bughugger Vietnam certainly had it. Did you know that you have to go through a test of aptitude in order to procreate in Vietnam? I wish this applied to the rest of the world.
@@zackfair_og No?
We only "borrow" our children for a very short time... 20 years of the life expectancy of 80+ years.
Hold them close to your heart, pray for them, feed their minds, body and souls...
Amazing song?
Wayne Watson.
Watercolor Ponies.
Will stop you straight, dead-up in your mind/heart tracks.
⚘ 🙏❤🙏 ⚘
Trauma and socio-economic status do play a huge influence on the outcomes of children. This is barely one side of the picture
And that is not the parents fault either.
@@Plantlover888 Why? You as a parent decide to have a child. And if you are not financially stable enough why have a child. Why be so selfish for your own personal luck and put your child through that. And I'm not talking about extreme situations.
The words “success” and “successful” are used a lot here. I’ve never thought about these words in raising my children (which I’m still doing). I emphasize priorities with them. Showing them how to respect others and themselves etc. At the end of the day, relationships are what bring fulfillment. My hope is I teach them how to communicate and listen so they will have productive relationships. Rich, poor, etc is not my concern. But then again, what do I know. 🤣
Please? Never change your video intro. I love it!! It makes me feel as if I'm at a TED conference!
This is a wonderful message for already good parents. Not a general message for all parents. Just my two cents.
Hello brothers and sisters. I would just like to recommend that everyone read the book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’. Reading that book was the best desicion I ever made.
Extremely important subject. Genes or environment? Which shapes us the most? As always, more research is needed. Appreciate the talk.
It's always both, never one of the two
finally,, some talk that reduces the pressure we all feel.. witch can make us do our chiden wrong and be harsh on them.....
honestly? I feel a little relieved
What rollercoaster of emotions I've been sustaining during this quite paradoxically monotonous toned expressed trip that was this video, Ted videos really are one of the unique organisations that 100%, emphasis on the entirety of the compliance, stay true to their slogan, absolutely ideas worth sharing. Also am kinda happy to be reinforced by such a high authority in the field that I had the right kind of perspective on the way I would one day do my part of parenting, peace //
I think loving supportive parents, will most certainly help their children build their confidence as they grow up.
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To be honest I don't really like this talk, it is just very vague and also doesn't go on the other side of the spectrum, that how a person is affects the child, and if they are violent and broken this can pass onto the child. It is much more generalised which can be a bit dangerous.
thats because you are a man this is talk for women by a woman for stay home mums and wannabe stay home mums or students of child psychology preferably not a mum and not wannabee mums either.
im a stay home dad raising 3 and 7y olds going to start posting stuff on my youtube as im tired of listening to rubbish like this
17 minutes given to a Ted Talk and I'm wondering what I watched.
This is that kind of talk where someone wants to do good by some people and end up doing nothing or doing worse. I get it that we have a lot of confusing parenting styles, but trying to make it look like no matter how hard we try it's a thing of luck is more like saying, 'don't bother trying, we're all gonna die anyways.'
Parents can do more, and as a former child and currently a parent, I think we need to be constantly improving because our actions matter a lot.
all i’m saying is two teachers and my psychologist have called child protection on my parents 3 times in the past and i’ve spent collectively 6 months inpatient in children’s psychiatric hospitals from diagnosed as PTSD and depression induced psychosis… and the depression itself 🤦♀️ my brain is shaped around all of that. i’m 18 in three months.
this is NOT an excuse for non self-aware abusive parents - including emotionally and verbally, the not so physically apparent forms of abuse - to reinforce that ignorance and their massive fucking role in their child’s path. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU.
my mum is in complete denial of her personal emotionally abusive part. complete denial. claims she did everything right, that i and everyone blame her. i know how dangerous this video would be if she saw it.
THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ABUSIVE PARENTS. KEEP THAT IN MIND. this is low key dangerous. there is so so so so so much substantiated evidence that our upbringing and exposure during development affects the child. so much.
I agree with you so much!
i hope you are doing good now.
@@jameelsaazer man this means so much to me. i was just on youtube and got this notification - in the comment i said i was 17, and 18 in 3 months. im 20 now lmao i totally forgot i wrote this comment. things are better now, i am optimistic these days, thank you :)
There's a saying in Chinese 以身作則, meaning that you teach by your own example. Children learn behaviors from their parents. There's definitely some "science" behind that.
it is about character, not BEHAVIOR. behavior is "taught". character is not.
@@imedisoni what does that even mean
My character is a sum of my actions, experiences, and perceptions
If someone's "character" is boisterous or arrogant, it's because they present *behaviors* that lead to those conclusions, like, what is your definition of "character"
She admits children are shaped by their “cultural environment” but completely ignores the role of parents (as adults) in curating that. Who does she think creates culture - the fairies?
Also she ignores the role of parents in setting basic norms around moral boundaries and standards of behaviour from an early pre-school age eg don’t hit your school buddies and don’t steal their lunchbox etc.
indeed.
Also, a parent is the child's environment, technically.
I think her point consists in the uncertainty of outcomes from different styles of education. The ones you said she's ignored are more likely the basic and common part of education that would be included in mostly every kind of education, and is actually not the point of her lecture. She was trying to tell that certain educational measure cannot promise a specific result, in short.
@@Spt41007 oh i get it now, thank you
@@Spt41007 sorry but I don’t agree with you. Her lecture was not focused on the effects of the ‘education system’ but it was focused specifically on the effects of ‘parents’. Just look at the title of the lecture itself!
The famous triplets who, in recent times, found one another after decades believing they were single births learned that they were deliberately separated in order for science to research the Nature vs Nurture theory. It was determined that it's nurturing that matters most in child development
I could believe that. Once saw a doccie _What Darwin never knew or something. One of the things I learned is that even if something is inherent in your genes, often it has to be triggered by your environment to come into play
From that "study" I came away with a conclusion that it's 50/50 nurture vs nature. Which is somewhat my belief as well.
@@thembamahlangu9028 I think you might be referring to epigenetics and you're💯
@@jadedmonk7001yeah that's it 👌
Sounds very anecdotal though
There's actually no advice in this video, just a series of analogies backing up a statement that the same parenting can have different outcomes on siblings living in the same house. Meh.
I agree. I haven't heard anything interesting so far that I don't already know
What she quoted multiple studies...
Parenting is not a consistent and clear method. You can find different methods and ways how to behave with your children, but the most important thing is being flexible and resilient to adjust yourself to the current situation. Your children can behave in unpredictable ways and you should be able to manage and handle the situation.
But still, there is a question for me, how to evaluate our parenting methods? How to realise that we are on the correct path or not? Is there anything we need to change? Where do we stand in our children's life?
Didn't want to comment but thought it may help others. It's a nice talk and we are saddened to learn of Yuko's son's experience. However, parents are the greatest influencers over their own children, and in some cases, other children though not their own, but spend a considerable amount of time with them. The talk and message are slightly vague and there was no real science in this presentation. Not diminishing Mrs. Munakata's courage to share her experience and do indeed agree with the overall point about allowing a child to become whatever they choose without the parent feeling guilty. However, we unequivocally state that parenting has a profound effect on the overall result of how a child views life's journey, not limited to external factors such as socioeconomic factors, community, schooling, and so forth. The child will ultimately decide how they behave as they grow into adulthood, but a parent's guidance can greatly affect 'how' they view any particular circumstance or decision. Finding the balance to allow a child to figure things out for themselves, while also protecting them from harm, is in fact a parent's greatest challenge.
But when a child is enthusiastic about books, studies, science and crafts and the child is dependent on the parents for the materials, and the parents don't even notice or appreciate his appreciation let alone provide them books or materials then obviously those parents are responsible.
it is about child development - not experience, not knowledge, not feats - just development. sadly most people don't get that here - they set experience identical with development and knowledge. this talk here is about general development. and the study weights in the 90th percentile - not extreme situations like abuse, wealth, poorness etc.
What her talk focuses on is more towards how growing up in identical environments can have different impacts on people, but most parents probably want to know how to create the best possible environment for their children, right?
This is a beautiful song to parenthood - thank you
My sons were so different in so many ways. one took his life.
The other one ended up in jail because of drugs. He is now a real blessing to me.
I always blamed myself for their destruction but realized there is free will and no matter how much I talked to them...it didn't matter.
They chose the road they went down. They either learned from their experiences or gave up on life.
I don't know about shaping the kids' future, but parents can definitely teach the kids to be polite, civilized and kind citizens for sure. Parents can definitely teach their children that violence, stealing, robbing, and killing are definitely immoral and BAD!
Parents can also teach their children that they shouldn't do anything that will hurt or hinder someone else's freedom or life. Just a few basics to operate in a civilized society that has mutual empathy and respect 🙏🏼
*There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one.* ~Sue Atkins
Just be there and help them
Yep! Just show up! Listen, watch their sports, give em hugs. Just “show up”!
This quote screams "girlboss". Litteraly my mom says this kind of things and is just profoundly abusing under the disguise of "doing her best". Parents have to be held to a certain standard in raising their kids
@@Misuzu4213 ...lol! Well your sign on screams that u r a Punk Kid
🤷🏼♀️
Idk my friend, some parents are good & some parents are bad. We humans are all doing our best to get thru this life. Nothing can be perfect in this world of outside of Jesus, so we just do our best.
I had narcissistically abusive parents, so I married a narcissistically abusive man (now divorced). Yet my 2 daughters and I are very close. I am a very good mom, but am in no stretch perfect. Some of us grow up, others grow into adulthood victims & then victimize their own kids.
You get to decide who you are, and his you treat the people you love in life (kids or not). So don’t blame your parents, put them behind you & strive to be better.
Much love! ❤️
@@Misuzu4213 they are the standard at first
It’s a nice message but I think inaccurate. The example of her and her husband is likely because he is a secure attachment style and she is anxious attachment style. Attachment styles are directly related to the way parents raise their children.
She totally dismisses the fact that not every parent is emotionally stable or strong enough to raise a child. Being to critical on a child, emotianol outbreaks, emotional neglect, VERBAL ABUSE those are ALL things that will effect your children and sometime eventually traumatise them.
If you are not emotionally stable enough and decide to have a child and ignore the fact that you are responsible for the way you child turnes out, DONT BE SUPRISES THAT THEY CUT YOU OFF.
This video is for parents who are emotionally stable, who don't suffer from generational trauma and the ones that are not abusive.
Cause for a fact you ARE the one who shapes your child and the experiences it has and why it is fucked up later because YOU traumatized them. So I repeat. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN IF YOU ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY STABLE.
This video is for NON ABUSIVE Parents.
2] The Q of asking if children are more alike if raised by the same parents seems to be off the mark to what patents really want. Not that they should be more alike, but happoer, healthier, and more able to cope with and adapt to life.
For God's sake this is a professional not having a clue about the recent neurological discoveries about orchid and dendallion children. Also, how is the attachment style you develop not shaping you as a person?! I am speechless.
Are you a professional pediatrician or have you only read Thomas Boyce book?
Yeah. This is true with my relationship between my foster parents and biological ones.
These studies of twins have been criticised by scholars because it does not take in to account that the twins share early history and trauma. They are already shaped somewhat.
I had the same thought
Parents can mold their kids, but only _before_ they start school and start getting influenced by others. And even then, it's not always guaranteed because there have been plenty of good parents with bad kids and bad parents with good kids.
Although I cannot surely agree with parenting not effecting the child, it is true that the same parent has different effects on different children
Well, I'm bawling my eyes out. So touching
I probably wasn't able to grasp what she said,
First she said parent can act like butterfly wings which later turn into hurricanes, meaning small parenting skills can different the outcome of their child in the long run.
And then she said it doesn't matter who raise the children.
Bruh?
I respect the massive amount of research, and I would love to hear how they accounted for this...I can't get around the fact that in a family the parent(s ) treat their children radically differently, so the implicit premise I hear in this talk that two or more children were raised in the same household must have a shared baseline experience is an untenable assumption, as it is not the same house, each child in that household lives in a radically different world...the spolied/favorite child lives in a different universe than the neglected one or the one deemed a black sheep at birth. So all the research that says children born in the same household were raised alike is a deeply flawed premise. The differences they perceived in a given household doesn't demonstrate that parenting doesn't matter, it shines a light on the under discussed fact that parents treat their children in unfair and drastically different ways, so each child in the household has a unique experience and will develop accordingly.
This is spot on. I believe genetics play a part, is very obvious that my sister and I have very different temperaments but no two children are raised by the same parents or socioeconomic circumstances. My sister and I were raised in complete different situations with my mum behaving differently as a result.
Very powerful talk, thank you!
Parenting needs LICENSING
Yes, yes and yes! People have to go through more rigorous vetting to adopt a cat or take out a loan. Its insane!
And who would licence the people who give the licencing?
@@paolanazzaro8966 trained professionals with degree in education
I'm with this "idea" I've talked about it once..if there comes a day when a license is required or countries begin teaching indivisuals and testing them before alllowing them to have kids.. I'll be really thankful
Yes PLS
This has been one of the least actionable Ted Talks I have ever had the displeasure of watching, thank you.
Great talk! thank you so much for this sharing 💗💗
you're super professional, i appreciate your message, it's very important
Certainly, this is the beauty of life, not being able to control someone's life we struggle with our own life. Choices are made every day, every opportunity. Still, we can't shape how our sons and daughters may behave and choose their paths.
I cannot believe people don't know how bicycles work. Then again I have used them for many years. Oh and something about parenting.
have scientist finally figured them out? Afaik people still don't quite know why a bicycle stays up.
I sorta know how bicycles work, but I would be lost in repairing them. I've been cycling for 18 years. I can pump up the tires, adjust the saddle, handlebar, and I guess I can fix a chain to the cogs if I have to, but only if it's just slightly out of place. That's about it, I wouldn't know how to replace a tire or patch a puncture, for example. To add the parental perspective: My dad always rather fixed my bike for me instead of having me do it, because that was easier than teaching me. This is where the side of the child comes in though, I suppose, because I was never interested in learning about bikes. If I don't care, I usually won't remember.
I think parents can affect their children in ways that are difficult for scientific experiments to measure. E.g. how the child feels about intimate relationships, the child's attitude towards getting married and starting a family, or whether the child is drawing strength from her childhood to tackle everyday adversities or is the child drawing strength from everyday life to mend childhood scars.
Parenting in the present. Be there and be grateful for the pleasures and the pains, that will be enough.
My father completely ignored me when I, a 13 year old traumatized kid who didn’t know how else to communicate, showed him I wanted to kill myself by acting out slitting my wrists. He just shook his head at me as if to say “stop it” like I was looking for attention. This speech does not take into account parents who neglect their children, so with all due respect, don’t tell me to stop blaming my parents.
I'm sorry to hear that. You're responsible for the choices that you make in your life, no one else makes your choices. I can only hope that you will make positive choices that will improve your life, and choices that help you grow as a person. I hope you are able to find help, and I hope that both your father and you learn how to talk to people, and more importantly each other. If you cannot explain yourself, you'll never be understood.
Old adage, from a Major Old Lady, aka Mom...
We cannot take all of the credit for the good or the bad behavior or character traits in our kids.
They can be raised in a great home, and turn out hellions or serial murderers.
They can be raised in a hellish environment and turn out to be an Angel of mercy and going on to be a World leader or World changer, right?
Keep your chin up, people, ok?
⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
/ Inspiring! I'm 31 and happily retired from my job last year, built over $ 1 million in net worth.Just being smart and frugal with my money right now. A lot of Thanks to my parents for putting me forward to personal finances and investing earlier. I'm teaching my Husband the same lol.
very Smart idea. Thanks for sharing this
Lol I’m 27 and I am not worth half a million yet , please help me out
Me too … I hope it not too late so I can teach my husband too
@@rosemaryfred5330 But how can I meet such a person ...
@@joybriggs4261 I’m slowly getting to a million too
Well... That's REALLY good to know. Phew... Because I know so many seemingly amazing parents, I always felt I wasn't enough. Thank you and bless your wise words. Sending prayers to you and your little ones🙏🏼
Beautiful. Thank you so much Yuko.
You already off to good start if you plan to be a parent and are here.
Not all parents want what's best for their children.
I don't know if anyone would read this but here I go
I'm a 14 year old teen who's trying to remain positive and strong 24/7. Growing up I was a happy kid. Both of my parents loved me and still do I guess? But what is love for your child? I never knew what it was. No one ever taught me any word of wisdom yet Alhamdulillah I'm well aware of it. Growing up in a south asian household I thought scolding swearing and abusing kids were normal. This was all cuz of my mom. She did a lot for me a lot but you should be aware of what you should say to your kid right? Recklessly hitting shouting swearing and etc etc. And guess what she never had a reason, I never got a single complain from my school and always got good grades. Then why? Well I wish I knew. Today she kicked me in my forehead while I was having a conversation with dad (dad is friendly tho) It just hurts. A lot. Specially when you know you’ve done nothing wrong. She called me bad spirit. I still just wanna say that if this happens to you please don't feel bad you're not alone and It's never your fault. You'll go through hardships and It's okay, may God forgive them and show them the right path even tho It's already too late. Kids who are being abused can never be the same again. Never. If you're watching this I just wanna say that I love you and you're precious 🤍
Thanks for reading till the end.
So basically, according to her, one shall give birth and let them loose because it's already pre-determined by genetics how child is going to turn out.
If they do not have any influence, I wonder what parenting is all about then ?
If two children are turning out different from each other, it's highly possibly one is influenced by mother and another by father. Using this to say, it's all genetics and environment and none parenting is absurd.
You missed the whole point of the talk.
@@ForAnAngel please enlighten
@@singhmanginder05 Watch the video again.
@@ForAnAngel it's not a new upload...it was originally uploaded 2 years ago
@@singhmanginder05 So? That's probably why you don't remember it well.
This women literally says nothing for the 1st half of the talk. Parents inflict trauma weather its intentional or not, a good parent will understand the differences in their kids and parent accordingly. Parents have a MASSIVE influence over the development of their kids. I understand her point about how a child's core nature is hereditary but the way a parent deals with that core nature has a very big influence on the child's view and approach to the world and their subsequent success or failure. I by no means feel I am defined by my parents but I definitely hold resent towards my addict mother and my father being absent. Telling parents not to blame themselves as blanket advice is dangerous, you can't understand the intricacies in the social fabric of a family unit, even one that looks very stable and happy on the surface. This talk is addressed to a specific kind of parent and not really to many other parents who don't necessarily hold the same assumed motives that this women characterizes parents with. I understand her point but the speaker is far too assuming of who she is talking to. I don't have all the research collected in one place and I'm not a psychologist but I just struggle accept her narrative especially based on my experiences and those of many around me.
hmm theres certainly things to blame your parents for. im not sure what i was lookin for in this talk
Every thing a parent does and says to a child affects them and their development.
At the end what she wants to say without faithful words is that our children’s outcome ultimately depends on God and we have to love them and give Him the trust that He shapes them to their perfection if we allow! In you I trust my GOD my LORD!🙏🏽🥰
Great insight into child development.
You are amazing and all*😃 appreciation to your viewers, they are the elite of societies*🌹
I hope she and her kid find happiness.
This doesn't seem like a scientific presentation... more an odd collection of assumptions based on flimsy evidence for about 9 minutes or so... followed by a brief period of sanity during which she almost seemed a tad impartial - which was refreshing, but no more enlightening, since the stated evidence didn't support her conclusions - and finished off with what seemed to be some wallowing in her fiercely personal need to share her mingled grief and hope with others.
Gets people talking, I guess. Worst presentation I've ever seen on TED though, by a massive margin.
Finally a negative comment that has deconstructive value. Not sure though, if I would call a meta-analysis flimsy.
@@lix8888 metanalyses often are difficult to draw conclusions from because they analyze so many different experiments with varying conditions. They are not science’s strongest means of experimenting, randomized controlled trials that accurately represent the sample it is studying are best. I agree with John, I found the video title misleading for the content but I sympathize with the speaker
It seems that the best we can do is provide our children with 'tools' to help them to navigate their own worlds. Like how to treat others, deal with fear and anxiety and how to critically think about complex matters and how to be strong but empathetic. Aside from that make their environment at home as fun, encouraging and educational as possible.
This message is all important for parents to take some points to put it into practice .
when i was a kid i used to get hit by my parents and i didnt care when i became older i understood y my parent used to hit me it is because the did not want me to go the wrong path but they always loved me even tho sometimes when i do the wrong thing they hit me. so yh i mostly think its how countries raise their children and most problems comes from the western countries.
when i have children i will raise the way i was taught by my parents is the best way for me.
What a beautiful talk. I’d love to take a class from Ms Munakata.
Parents interfere with their Childrens freewill to make their own choices just because they don't like what makes them happy.
This is honestly ridiculous. I was hoping for some tips on what I can do to help my kids, and here I am being told that literally everything I do all day every day as a mom of young children doesn’t matter whatsoever. So trying my best all day to be a happy & positive & loving mom makes no difference on them as opposed to being unloving & yelling at them all day? I beg to differ and will never believe that. I’m so confused why this is even a TED talk
Any absolute conclusion is dangerous. In the same manner that this concludes that parenting is more hereditary than anything there is no statement about what other science says about what is more likely true: It is always a combination of nature and nurture, never just one.
Take a breath, relax, that was just a bad day, not bad life. You can sleep now." -Another Yourself 😆👍
- it makes me wonder about which studies were used and how the children and parents were followed.
Also would crappy neglectful parents even be a part of studies used for this research? If my parents were asked to be part of a study they would not have done so willingly. Parents are the number one “conditioners” in early childhood I had assumed. It makes me think of Little Albert. That poor child was conditioned to be terrified of white things.
Also the problem of how two kids in the same family can experience two entirely different parenting experiences.
This talk opened up so many questions for me.
Most parents want to do right by their children but I would assume that this talk could give parents license to treat their children with less regard?
I get we have no control over what our little humans will turn out like given the best of circumstances and what effects will be carried with them and what will not.
The discovery that trauma is carried down genetically how would that work with this theory?
Interesting talk
New parents should hug their children more often in my view.
i think the whole video is based on genetics and environment and how they affect each other meaning genetically inherited character won't surface if not triggered. and a person growing in beautiful env(subjective to diff person though)
Of course abuse suffered will influence children in their adulthood.
But this talk is not about that.
It seems (clearly from the comments so far) that people are very touchy about parenting and 'feel' they do influence their kids.
There are numerous studies that show how genes and the wider environment have a much bigger influence on how kids turn out. Siblings can be widely different from each other even though they are growing up in the same home (genes can combine in many different combinations we don't influence - yet) and studies confirm that it is better for a kid to have bad parents in a good neighbourhood than vice versa. Twin adoption studies show how remarkably similar identical twins separated at birth are even if they grew up with very different parents.
Of course you have some influence on your kids, but probably by far not as much as you think. For more please check out Steven Pinker's Blank Slate and Blueprint by Robert Plomin.
Agreed! Also read those 2 books, they´re both great and insightfull! As you point out correctly, people are so touchy about this subject and just dont want to hear the facts ... and also saying that genes make a difference is scandalous in todays society ...
Thank you for your sensible input and it's very kind of you to use the label touchy. I'm still left a little overwhelmed, how some people don't just view this content, but have the audacity to drop some arguably defensive and shallow comments. This woman has clearly got years of academic experience, scientific back up (that took many scientists a lot of time) and is a parents herself. To comment something like "I don't think so." is always valid (free opinion), though inconsiderate.
TWINS- I’m an identical twin - even raised in the same bedroom and classroom most of our youth - and yet she and I turned out quite differently - any other identical twins out there feel the same ?????
Love these videos! Very impressive. Stay safe out there everyone. 🙏
She never said that the child will be the same person no matter who parents them.
She said that children will not be the same, even with an exact parenting recipe.
Learn the difference between the two.
"Adverse Childhood Experiences are the single greatest unaddressed public health threat facing our nation today."
- Dr. Robert Block, former president of the American Academy of Pediatrics
Please become trauma informed. Especially if you're a parent, take the time to learn about multigenerational trauma.
The problem is we are spiritual beings having human experience and we are to pass on emotional mental stability with a emphasis on LOVE ~ really treating others as we want to be treated ~. We are waaaaay to deep in this season on earth for most to still be living in poverty. She said it
People don’t know how cycles work
Kids can’t explain gravity but it affects them ~ there are 12 spiritual laws as well ~ we need a more spiritual based family foundation ~ we all only get 24 hours at a time and depending on how those 24 are spent will give you your perception of reality ~ my experience is A DAILY REPRIEVE FROM THE WATERS OF CHAOS ON EARTH BASED ON MY SPIRITUAL CONDITION
Until we live in harmony again with earth and each other things here will get worse
The concept of parenting as an occupation, or working, is typical, and it holds a sense of permanence in our adult minds. It is not a science, at all, with little or no measures. Good grades and earning potential, too, have little correlation to parenting, unless it is the rod enforcing the study time. I'd rather look at parenting as a practice, individualized in each case. It's not so much about what decisions we make, but how we go about making decisions. We make decisions about parenting based on what little knowledge we have, and on our own lived experiences. Sometimes, I think other parents make dumb decisions. They ARE dumb, but the parent doesn't realize that, and so continue dumb parenting. Parenting as a gatekeeper or taskmaster only limits learning. Instead, parenting as practice establishes a framework that places the child's unique development first, followed by reflection, and adjustments in order to improve practice. The one, and only, thing every parent has in common...there is precious little time to parent. Parenting and childhood are "temporary" circumstances that can, and do, affect the rest of our lives. It's imperative that we do the best we can, and that we empower ourselves with tools to improve our parenting, today. Because, soon the opportunity will be gone, and there are no second chances.
Hello Cathy how are you doing hope you’re doing okay ✅
That is BS. Imagine in a religious family one child is straight and the other is both an atheist and gay. Do you really think the behaviour of the parents is of no influence especially if they treat the gay child like a persona non grata and concentrate all their attention on the other? Do you really think this child would grow up the same if he was fully accepted by the parents and treated the same way the other one was? You are generalizing something that can not be generalized.
I feel enormously triggered and invalidated. If I have not been born and lived with abusive parents, I would not have developed severe PTSD and major depressive disorders. This “researchers” completely disregard the children’ experience could be influenced by the power dynamics in the home: whether they are treated fairly received unconditional love or not, or they have been treated like a scapegoats therefore they feel stifled and controlled
Please, include subtitles, pleeeease!
Since when did Ted talks go more than 5-7 minutes?
I just can’t agree. If the parents are abusive the child is more likely to be abusive. One statistic that proves that in at least one way parents shape children’s future
Just wanna mention that Dutch parents encourage kids to leave the nest, not to be babied, but to build strong self-reliance tooooooo
"Environment shapes your kid's path more than parenting." You act like that's a discovery but people have been choosing not to move to Cleveland to raise kids for decades!
Even if you’re science is true, that our parenting has no affect on the future of our children, that shouldn’t mean that we stop parenting. There’s no consequence for good parenting but by not parenting at all we could severely be damaging a bright future.