Videos like this have made me realize that I have endured gaslighting my entire life. Everything you're explaining is exactly the way my mother would treat me. Even to this day, she tells me my childhood was not the way I remember. At first, a piece of me questioned that statement and I thought maybe I was over exaggerating. But thankfully I have done a lot of healing these past years and I was able to quickly dismiss that thought of self-doubt. I know what happened and it was not ok. I'm so thankful that now I understand myself worth and that my feelings matter. It's videos like this that have helped me to grow.
This explains a lot of what happened in one of my recent relationships. By the end of it she had me thinking I was crazy, now I realize things we're not really how they seemed at the time.
Here is a list of what Abusers/Narcissists usually do to their targets : - Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke. - When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim. - Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not. - They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right. - Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical. - They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection. - Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target. - They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing). - They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!). - Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything. - Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help. - When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors. - Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them. - They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior. - They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer. - They think they are models to be followed. - They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief. Please share this message to other people and forums. We have to raise awareness!
Oblivion Darkheart Just want to say, thank you for your comment, it's been 30 year's we have been together, he didn't start this "phase" until the last 2 year's of the marriage. First it was "I will run my house the way I want" correction, that WAS OUR home Next was the cheating, with a family member, right under my nose, then the BLAME game , every day without fail. Now I am in a shelter for battered and abuse women, and he is holding up the divorce. When I came here, the therapist, said I had the classic sign's of PTSD, never knew there was such a thing Anyway trying to put it ALL behind me, and going my way. The "family" we had is blaming me for this whole mess. Remember me, that I will stay strong this time, and I will keep my guard up.
That's a really insightful comment @Oblivion Darkheart. I'm currently writing a short film on this subject as I also want to raise awareness about this problem. I was wondering, whether you knew if any concrete examples of gaslighting. It would be super helpful in my research. Thank you! Tatjana x
I've been through this and I got out of the relationship a week ago. My intuition told me all sorts of things concerning infidelity of my partner interacting with others on an intimate level. When I brought this up, the gas lighting began. I felt like I was going insane, I had specific dates wrong, people's names wrong, certain information was distorted and I started to not trust my perceptions and memory. I thought I was the wrong one! I started seeing a psychologist and was put on medication. As I became more educated and read up on my psychology notes (I am a final year Occupational Therapy student) I found out that my partner was indeed narcissistic and I wasn't going crazy. Thank God I got out of the relationship and I am in the process of healing. What's hurting is that I have my final exams and I have been under-performing. I will never forgive them for what they put me through! Bottom line: Knowledge is power. Emancipate yourselves from such situations with more knowledge. Thank you for sharing this!!!
Gaslighters find your soft spot and attack it viciously to shut you down if you try to stand up to them and assert yourself. She has shamed me physically many times for both my flaws and positives. I wanted to fight back but could not stoop down to her level. I could have counter-attacked her for for her physical deformity. It would have hurt her tremendously but I could not do it. The words were on the tip of my tongue. It is our conscience that makes us vulnerable and unable to attack in kind. She throws stones and lives in a glass house but i cannot break it because it would have been wrong and malicious. I walk away and ignore and cut off contact.
My mom is a narcissist and I've started to notice that she's been trying to gaslight me. I got away from her and my family but I've got to get my daughter back.
This is a great topic/video. I was negatively gaslit by an addict/co-worker before. It was really frustrating because I was treated unfairly in the workplace. I felt like I could not have a voice and that I didn't have basic rights. It's hurtful. I would say, to the victims of this psychological abuse, you are not the crazy one and it is good to talk to people about this stuff!
Yes, I saw his text messages to the other woman and when I asked him whether it was over and done with her he got angry at me and felt like a victim. He bevande yelling and screaming on the street making me feel shameful . He then Made it clear to me that I was jelous for no reason and he wòuld not deal with me!
Christal Clear It's both. Some people may do it intentionally/consciously, and some do it unintentionally/unconsciously. Some people probably have a mix of both. The easy thing to say is they all do it i intentionally, because it makes it easier to demonize and blame, but the truth, as it often is especially with human behavior, is a little more complicated.
dead on felt like I was caught in a dark web..hated being there hated who I became...hated trying to still treat them with dignity...it wasn't worth it worse 4 yrs of my life
eraina lewis Ain't that the truth? I ended mine after 30 year's. The cheating is what done me in Mostly cause it was a family member on my family side. Remember me!
Thats the thing about dealing with them day in an day out. You get fed up you slowly start taking on their characteristics an during this process they start adopting positive characteristics. To the outsider looking in you seen to be the narc an they appear to be the victim. Its a sick game.
oh was just about to comment about that lol would love to hear what you are saying... (: going to sub and wait for the new mic and new vids.. take care
I came across your videos from a friend on Facebook. The betrayal trauma is what I'm experiencing right now. It helps to know that there is a name for what I'm experiencing. My story, I feel, is like no other ever heard of. The way it happened I mean. It was very detrimental to my mental and physical health. We're back together now trying to make things work but since it's been almost a year since it happened I'm starting to have memory flashbacks. It's fall, Halloween, fall fair, school starting again. I feel like I'm reliving the moment all over again. Like dejavu but now I have knowledge of what's coming in the future. It's the most awful thing to ever go through. Thank you for sharing this and helping me further understand what I'm going through. I wish I could tell my story from beginning to end so I could get someone else's thoughts on my current situation.
This woman is good.. I watched one of her videos two days ago, utilized what is learned from it the very next day, and was a powerstar in my relationship! Right when the argument and negative remarks began I simply let them roll right off of me and focuses on staying positive and firm. Before I knew it, my experience went from being verbally attacked to the other person laughing it all off like it was a joke the entire time. I know it was no joke but I do think they see that they has some adjustments to do within their self. We all have room for growth and are guilty of such behaviors without even knowing sometimes..some habits come from our background, while others we tend to grab along the way to stay protected from getting hurt...all in all, I'm so thankful for her guidance
OMG. I found out about a second affair after two years of being told I was paranoid and need help. This is my wife. Why do I miss this person? We are in the middle of a divorce and it's awful.
oh how I wish I had known this 25 years ago. I suffered so long. I finally escaped, but He reigns as king of the good guys. And I am recovering queen of the crazies...
I was with a narcissist for 3 years. She beat me down to where I had no friends or family. Left me broken, depressed not knowing what I am going to do.
Just got out of a situation with this going on, it was...........SO EXTREME. Everything i was logicalizing in my mind as to what was going on, is EXACTLY how you're explaining it, but i never knew it had a name! Thank you SO. MUCH!!! It was meant for me to accidentally stumble upon this!!! Wow.
I think that it is useless to say any more: "Those good old times!" All these unhealthy patterns have been born during centuries - the science of psychology is just now so developed, that these all mechanisms that people have been using hundred of years and developed an art of them, comes in to the light. Soon all can see, how politicians use gas lighting, media is using gas lighting, by choosing the new they tell to people (what they do not tell, it would be interesting to know???) in the workplaces people are been gaslighted and manipulated...in the schools children are manipulated and it is called "education"... At schools they tell to children stories that are not necessarily true at all! The more knowledge grows, (internet has made that possible for more and more people...) the more equal people will become creating their possibilities in life, because no-one can keep them down without their acceptance, and they know it! Little by little the world is changing, indeed! Thank you!
Notes On Paper yes. It is true. But thos old behaviour patterns do not work any more and they are now those problems, because People just do not tolerate same things as before and people - fortunately - are more equal than decents ago. For example it is illegal to hit a child as a "punishment" - and in old times it was mormal, that when a cild was "bad", a patent could hit a child. The same happens with verbal abuse, some tactics will not be tolerated any more and it is very good. People start to be more concious. Anyway, the problem is always if people treat each others unrespectfully. Gaslighting is one way to be unrespectful.
+Kristin Snowden Yeah...I deleted it because it was my life story..all I can say is that I am glad my ex husband left me because despite all you talk about I would have never left. Everything you talk about are things I went through. But what my question was more about is, is it possible that instead of intentionally ignoring the signs you are naive about the things he was doing? I was raised in a very clean functional home and the things he was doing (in retrospect) were just so unimaginable in my eyes. And, I married him at 19 and went straight from mom and dad to him. I had never seen and heard of things he was doing...17 years later I have PTSD and am still triggered by things. It's really hard to move on.
I have an article on Betrayal Blindness that talks about the subject you're asking about: www.kristinsnowdenmft.com/apps/blog/entries/show/43415035-you-re-not-stupid-it-s-called-betrayal-blindness We all have instincts and intuition that is developed and refined over our lifetime. There's also a level of naivety that plays into our earlier relationship "errors" or missteps. That's why it's so important to review these traumas, put a name to them, understand how they happened, change our maladaptive patterns that contributed to them so they don't happen again.
im the screaming name caller but what fails to be acknowledged is the gas lighting, silent treatments, sabotage, disrespect, false accusations tht lead up to me being verbally abusive. how much can some one take before spiraling down? any body who knew me and the bf thought i was this horrible woman.
Hey I'm the same way now. Years and years of this had made me such a horrible person inside but I know it's not who I am. Just keep trying. I find they really have nothing to say when you are finally able to say what it is you've held on for so long. I've been trying to fix this issue for a long time. The only option for me is out. I need peace and it sounds like you do as well
joan baczek have you looked up narcissistic personality disorder? It is a root to other cluster B personality disorders like borderline, sociopathic, and psychopathic...
Sapnu...I’ve just recently put a label on what has been happening all my life...but especially now in my second marriage...When we were dating, my second and present husband sent out signals I ignored because I wanted a partner who I could enjoy and love...No Sooner were we married then the gaslighting started...It revolved around alcohol use and misuse...He would only act lovingly when he drank but then if he drank too much in one go, he’d fall asleep or more importantly pass out.....When I told him of my frustrations during sex, he blamed it on menapause...He still doesn’t think he drinks too much...and we haven’t had sex in 20 years... When I repeatedly asked him to do something around the house, he’d get sulky like a child because he didn’t want to do it...Then he’d deliberately do something to irritate and if I got angry with him, he’d change the story and lie about his involvement and tell me I was nuts...The latest denials are to blame it on someone or something else or stare at me while I got upset...A distinct look that says ...you need help lady, because you are really off the rails...He hides his behavior from outsiders and tells them I’m the bitch he has to put up with...Nobody sees how he causes the $*&#@t, they just see how upset I get...He comes off as a pure sweet innocent soul...yah right!! I feel myself getting upset now writing you, this you tube email...I’ve been backed into a corner and I have no way out..He wants to take 1/2 of my inheritance because the law says he has the right to it...I’m almost 70 and can’t see myself becoming dependent on my children because my husband ( not their father) takes me to the cleaners... Thanks for reading this ....
I agree about educating everyone on these types of behaviors, especially making our young adults aware of this type of manipulation, and not just a description in a psychology class but a real program to teach young adults to protect and empower themselves. This knowledge can not be underestimated. It can result in people saving themselves from years of unnecessary self sabotage .
my intelligence was getting insulted while he was talking to *her. He wanted to carry on 2 relationships so he told me I was crazy everytime I would question that he was texting *her. He would say that Im paranoid and need more anxiety drugs.I would clearly see the fb searches and the texts on the phone bill but somehow he would figure out a way to convince me I was seeing things. After awhile, you do go crazy
Yeah if they get you isolated to a point it gets really bad. At that point they try to control your entire reality. They will literally say an do things in your face an flat out deny it. If they have you isolated in their social circle that gives them the ability to completely control the narrative. Disgusting people to say the least.
Gaslighting is detectable when you know you feel kicked to the wayside at the abusers gain or "win" of some argument or situation - more often than not. I've learned to ignore them.
This is a fantastic video about Gas Lighting. So many people link Gas Lighting solely with Narcissism. That practice is very misinforming. Emphasizing the subconscious vs. conscious forms of it really help to define it. The examples you used were excellent. Also, fantastic work at also emphasizing how this technique can be covert or "Flies under the Radar". This really is a great learning tool.
I definitely lost myself and definitely all of the wrong doings she perpetrated were only seen as wrong by people other than her. I REALLY lost myself. I honestly thought I had developed borderline personality disorder.
Wow I grew up with this gaslighting constantly being told that my feelings were wrong and or ignore abuse from my father and toxic sibling...then I ended up marrying a narcissist who constantly gas lighted me... no wonder now in my fifties I am always second guessing myself. This is so painful and heartbreaking to see how I was so groomed or set up for abuse. Thanks for sharing your videos on the subject. The responsibility is on the gaslighter however... because they are the manipulative evil doer.
My partner put my memory and recall into question. Yes, she was on a pedestal and I regret putting her there. She never apologised for anything. She would gaslight me but it snapped back on her eventually as i know my memory is good. In fact it is brilliant for recalling events. She is now doubting hers which isn't the best but made out she was always right. No we don't I've together anymore.
Thanks - excellent insight! I'm glad that someone, Kristen Snowden, is privy to this form of manipulation. I was a victim. It took a few years to realize the scam - didn't know that it had a 'name,' i.e., gas lighting. I was lucky and managed to focus on work - realizing that if the paycheck stopped my kids would suffer. Anyhow, 15 years later, my kids love me - I love them - the ex-wife is financially-secure and healthy. Things are not perfect but easy compared to the initial shock of 'discontinuation.'
Valerie Stout I know just where you are coming from. Been there witnessed this for 30 years. He is a sick person. A little boy, in a grown up body. Remember me!
I really love your podcasts because it helps me understand my relationship dynamics and trauma I suffered in the hands of what I call a Histrionic Narccisist woman. And being a male anyway the beauty of you women clouds our judgment anyway. But that's all external. I recognized Narcissisim and got a little on me. They say Narcissists don't know they are Narcissists as with my siblings,God luv me, of the Golddn trip our older generations seemed to be on. So I'm glad this is addressed.
This is such a way too wonderful way to explain.You have explained it in a simple way.Now i fully understand what is going on.This is excellent.Thank you so much.You have saved my life.When i say something i am told i am told i am too sensitive and picky.
Thank you Kristin! Your videos do help and show another side of this type of personality disorders! I like how you show the difference between love addicts, and love avoided! And how they can swap roles! So to speak! Thanks again and coming out of these moral life styles is vary, vary painful! God bless
Parent relationship, you got that right. He was already looking for my replacement. I was told this by his friend Karen. He had already boldly cheated on me with crazy borderline, she stalked me a year. And he will deny that he slept with this woman. I wasn't born yesterday, and women don't stalk unless there has been some kind of intimacy
Living with consistent sarcasm, cynicism, put-downs, emotional isolation and this "gas-lighting"....all these things combine to erase a person. They really do cause you, eventually, to feel invisible, and invisible is a horrid way to live. The lack of validation and respect and LOVE can kill you. If you can get out, get OUT. The toll this will take on your health will kill you if you don't end up doing that yourself. This is a toxic situation the effect of which can not be over-stated. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can "deal" with all this day in and day out. You can't. Get out.
Bravo!!!👏🏼👏🏼 Outstanding video!! My EVIL NARC mother use Gas Lighting a lot on the whole family. She was a SICKO!! I came from an abusive house of HORRORS which made me a codependent person. This Gas lighting is a Big trigger for me. I've had 2 Narc ex-boyfriend in my past life that all most destroyed me. You are there PLAY TOY in there Big Fun House from HELL. These Narc are like The invasion of the bodysnatchers sucking your Energy force from the inside out. Your left a broken down empty person on the verge of suicide. RUN don't LOOK BACK and THROW AWAY the KEY to the FUN HOUSE. NARC FREE FOREVER!!!!!!
Hi Yvonce, I'm writing a short film about gaslighting as I want to bring awareness about it and help everyone who is being gaslighted. I was wondering, would you be free for a quick chat. I'd love to hear your personal story and your experiences with gaslighting. My email address is info@fashionartista.com Looking forward to hearing from you!
The personality who wants to please others is the one who needs to realize the question is what does god want for me so the self question wont have to torment me any longer
I think I've been connected to someone with narcissistic tendencies. I'm the servent and he's the king. all he does is pick me apart. everything I do is wrong. I've gone out of my way to please him and it always comes with negative comments regardless. I'm either trying too hard, or not enough. He rarely tells me I'm beautiful. He's told me I look like shitt before and I said nothing.. he's an angelic prince who lives in this imaginary celebrity world. he thinks he can do whatever. it's true, he does target my weaknesses. We are on and off and he always comes back and I accept. I want to be free, I'm sick of this
my ex would always tell me "youre not thinking straight" this happened during fights and when i wanted to break up with him. he would then tell me about the wonderful future we could have. is this gas lighting??
Sim Tard yea makes sense. im just so confused as to wat was wat in this relationship. its been 2 years and im still confused about how i feel about it all.
hell get to the point I no longer care what gaslighting is you took too long to explain it. I will stick with what works for me. I've come to love and accept the person I see in the mirror each day. I know what works right or wrong. I no longer spend time or energy with foolish people. I am not desperately seeking anything or anyone. I enjoy my own company . I have many things to keep me busy and sane. A burdensome relationship does not happen to me anymore. Come correct or you can't stay and I won't feel anything but free and content. I'm responsible for my own happiness. I tell this to all young women coming to me crying about some nonsense they're allowing to take hold of their being. If you feel trapped start making plans to get the hell out. Worried you won't have the lifestyle you've grown accustomed to. I had many Setback's after freeing myself from a abusive relationship. But all the stuff i had and what I allowed myself to put up with, doesn't compare to the happiness I feel now. I now have respect from the men I talk with either they accept my reasonable standards or they move on. This is my life and this works for me😁
I wonderd how these strangers approaching me knew or had the same problem or need , and how certain people repeated information I shared privately in self help groups & healing & self care groups to heal . That’s why I stopped going to self help groups & sharing my story..... because it didn’t feel safe or private ...... so really your conditioned to not share your story or get help .... because they let you know that nothings really kept private. So in my situation healing is not really in my control. Everything I trusted in life , has gone. There’s mirroring your victims needs .... & there’s letting the victim know that they know private details you disclose in privacy to self help groups in trust & faith. These people make you lose everything that makes you human. It’s the worst experience I’ve ever been through. I don’t understand how people are allowed to gain all the victims personal information to further revictimise or abuse victims. I’ll probably meet someone tommorow that can comb out matted hair ....... with a mirror. I Never really ever got the choice or chance to meet a solution. But I do seem to meet people that prey on people’s problems to exploit further.
Thankyou for not bringing your relationship in this area as others have done, I think hurt gets in the way of good information. The other video's are helpful indeed but get based on one's own experiences instead of a broader look at the disorder. Thankyou.
Her voice is really calming. She could throw all this helping people stuff in the garbage and do ASMR videos if she wanted to. Or merge the two. ASMR and GasLighting (soft talking, whispers, etc. Tapping)
@@KristinSnowden I'm sure they sometimes test your nerves and hear a different voice than in the videos. LOL! Awesome videos so far. I just stumbled across them today and really enjoy the way you present things. I'm a fan already and just want to say thanks in advance for all the free advice!
What do you mean when you said "lose oneself"??? Can you explain more about that subject? What happens and why exactly do you think people "lose their identity's"?
+Bryan Faux I get into more detail on that topic in my other video on healthy relationships: th-cam.com/video/bdYFla0jyEo/w-d-xo.html but it's less about losing oneself and more about one allowing oneself to be defined by and get all his/her value and worth from other fleeting or flawed things. For instance, if one gains a lot of worth and value from his/her loved ones (versus believing that he or she is valuable and worthy no matter if that person chooses to love them back), that is setting one up for hurt and disappointment because they're putting his/her worth on someone else who is flawed and screws up and may come and go. Does that make more sense? Watch the healthy vs unhealthy relationships video and let me know if you have more clarity.
Ahhh! Yes definitely! Thank you! We must define ourselves.. I get that!! But what I don't understand is that feeling of death, emptiness, dispare and shattering after a relationship ends with someone we were in love with...? Do you know if we/people are capable of stealing each other's identity's or essence? And if so, would that be considered eating each other in a sense spiritually?
Do you think it's better to just be "friends"?? I mean is there anything better than a good friendship?:) The rest is mainly just possession and power right??
Wow, thanks for the great video! I found this video after just realizing yesterday that I was being gaslighted by ex-wife for the last 5 years of our marriage. Lots of that-happened-to-me moments during the video. :/ BTW, do you subscribe to David Schnarch's (Intimacy and Desire, The Passionate Marriage) view of relationship dynamics? Sounds like you two are cut from the same cloth.
I only asked because it made me think of someone I know. She has bipolar and her boyfriend knows about it. I think he intentionally triggered her ups and downs using this gaslighting tactic, but because she is all over the place to begin with she wasn't sure if it was her bipolar symptoms or her boyfriend.
i had an ex who would keep calling the house and hanging up, i was wrong in the relationship not to willingly change my number again-i just felt like changing my number was letting the ex win control and its just annoying to have to remember who got the new number and who needs it, and its pointless cuz eventually the ex finds my number some how. i finally got so frustrated i just gave up having a phone, when that was causing problems with medical appts i got a phone and new number then started getting weird calls and the caller id was loaded with all these weird number, id come home from work and have fights with my boyfriend because of all these phone calls that came in while i was gone. he wouldn't' call the numbers himself he'd just scream at me "what are all these phone calls from" i would call all the numbers and get a dead line or a survey or some company trying to get me to consolidate my debt. but he wouldn't listen to the call when i called it back. he wanted to believe i was betraying him, and it just filled me with rage that was almost 3 years ago but im still angry about it. im so sick of having to be a gumshoe to prove my character my character to speak for it self.
I think this is a very fair and reasonable problem...........and that is, what if the person actually IS crazy/his or her responses make no sense or are really foolish/idiotic. What's that called? I have no shame in calling out idiocy
Please record your next videos with a better quality microphone. I really love this video, because you are more fair about gaslighting. Such as your comment that we all do it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just blaming him all the time, like I was perfect, like I'm playing the victim, and when I share a video, and they aren't very balanced or fair about the victim's role in the toxic relationship, it portrays me in a perfect light and them as demons or monsters. I am NOT minimizing narc abuse AT ALL. But I do like to be fair. I wasn't an angel, and I am sure I used manipulation in one form or another, and never thought about it until I watched this video, but maybe I also gas lighted him on occasion. Idk, I will have to think about this. I'm all about introspection these days, and after 21 years of marriage, I KNOW I had some fault in the dysfunction. But I know for sure that IM NOT a narcissist. I couldn't stand seeing him in agony or when he would say he was losing his mind.
During the "hoovering" times... So, I would love to share your videos and listen to them and actually HEAR them. I'm hard of hearing but not enough that I need a hearing aid. I finally went and bought a speaker and it didn't work loudly enough. Of course...ughhhh.
The idea that both people in a conversation can have their own perspective of reality...and that neither is evil/stupid/crazy...is completely foreign to me after being raised in an extremely dysfunctional family. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this idea. I think that's where gaslighting by either the narcissist or the codependent comes from: thinking "there can be only one," and so both are fighting to be the one who is "right." Can you talk specifically about issues caused by being raised by gaslighters? There is no "prior self" for me to compare my current situation with. And I'm struggling to identify healthier patterns to replace the old, dysfunctional patterns. There's a lot of trial-and-error in dealing with my parents, as I try to figure out how to be healthier in those relationships without ever having seen it modeled well.
Hi. I suggest you view my second video on healthy relationships and healthy boundaries. th-cam.com/video/LeJVNum2zwY/w-d-xo.html That further discussed the consequences of being in an unhealthy dynamic, provides a quiz to help you identify the "loss of self" and goes over the healthy boundaries to replace the dysfunctional patterns. I post all the charts and resources on my website which is linked in the comments of each video. I wish you the best in your journey.
This therapist could have mentioned that Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer starred in this excellent movie (Gaslight www.imdb.com/title/tt0036855/?ref_=nv_sr_2). Ingrid Bergman actually won a Best Actress Oscar that year for her performance.
What about a relationship where we gaslighted each other. Is it possible for two people to do this over and over to each other and be able to fix it. The relationship was extreme and he was a son of an abuser, I was the child of an abuser and we in our relationship abused each other, is there a way to fix that and is it better to work on yourself first if you are a victim and abuser? Should you completely disengage from person?
+laura leigh Hi Laura, watch my first video on the love addict/love avoidant cycle and let me know if that answered any of your questions. It's linked in my comments.
Thanks Kristin. Helpful to have professional commentary in this space. How much have you dealt with truly Malignant Narcissists? I know gaslighting very very well. I now see it everywhere and when I do it's like a meta moment and I realize I can stop fighting but it kills any respect or future friendship / jobship I may be having with that person. However, I am not sure I totally agree with you that narcs are 'afraid' and 'scared' to let you see how insecure they are. I don't think that is really the way their thoughts are framed or that they have any thoughts at all. I think they just 'do'. Like an evil android with layers of programming to use against you.
HI. Thanks so much for your comments. As I mentioned in a previous response above, I have had several email and comments regarding the "thin line" between those who gaslight deliberately and with the intent to cause harm vs. those who gaslight for more "defensive" or subconscious purposes. Therefore, I want to do a separate video on that topic. There are also several different definitions or schools of thought regarding narcissism and narcissistic tendencies. I have worked with many malignant people who have done extremely harmful, deplorable things to others. I have a lot of different belief systems surrounding the "whys" or motivations behind their behavior. Is it extreme trauma? Is it narcissism? Are they antisocial or psychopaths who can't experience empathy? Anyway, these are things I'm going to comment on in the next video. Thanks again for your comment.
Thank you so much. Because of my unfortunate awareness I do see the difference as I see gaslighting in people I know well who are blind to their own behavior or traumas. I guess I am just not sure I really care about the motivations behind my birth vessel's behavior. I don't have any curiosity at all because for me her lack of empathy and psychopathic behavior are proof enough for me of her lack of empathy and psychopathic behavior. Sometimes I wonder if my total lack of missing them or love experience for my former toxic family is a narcissistic trait. I know I am not like her at all and I have LOTS of empathy for other human beings and animals. Anyone put upon, abused and discarded...but none for that brood. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism but I know the love is dead.
don't we do what we do as a response to fear of something or a love of something? We either move toward something or away from it based on this fear/love paradigm, no? I agree with the presenter that folks that engage in this gaslighting behavior are doing it to maintain their authority or sense of authority and being right but in reality, they're just small, scared little people on the inside. Having said that, I do agree with you that there are people that actually enjoy creating chaos and are quite sadistic.
this is why forgiveness is the only way out, without it, you just remain locked up all the while thinking they are the ones locked up..it's the person who suffered under the abuse that's locked up. We dillude ourselves into thinking the distance we've created solves the problem but without forgiveness, the wound remains.
I think folks like me get hung up on this concept of 'forgiveness' at least in my case of deep, childhood trauma. So deep my conscious mind can't really work it out. The traumas just exist in a space before I had language and then became the air I breathed. for me, forgiveness is immaterial. for me, it's about letting go and learning about MY trauma responses and how to heal them. that is the real function of physiological 'forgiveness', no? Letting go of the toxin and not being wound up in the hate/stress/preoccupation? Outside of that forgiveness as a public act (here I am, and I forgive yada yada, see?) is about ego and showing the world you forgive and isn't verbal ayahuasca. The wound remains with or without my forgiveness and she'll never ask for it anyway, so why waste my breath in real life, on her, only to have a non-response or more drama to respond to? I don't need to forgive her to heal and that is what I want people to know. Let her ask God for forgiveness. Peace.
Hello Kristin! I was wondering if you can relate the love addict, love avoidant to the narcissists borderline model because to me there are a lot of the same, just with the narc/ borderline is highly abusive ! Soul destroying! And massive control! Always in a downward spiral! To emptiness! I would like to hear from you, and thank you for explaining the love issue! I can see some in me to, thx
Mental health professionals use lots of labels, categories, and models when they're educating their clients on topics. Love addiction, love avoidance, personality disorders (like Narcissism or Borderline PD) are all various labels and potential diagnoses. I care less about the labels and more about how you understand the symptoms and origins of the problematic behaviors come from IN YOUR LIFE, SPECIFICALLY. If I over-generalized and categorized "Narcissists" and "Borderlines", they would most definitely exhibit various intimacy disorder symptoms such as love addiction and/or avoidance. Both of their behaviors can be extremely abusive and destructive to others. But, again, my main purpose for creating these videos is to help others find these problems/tendencies/patterns within their own life, help them put a name to their pain, and--most importantly--help them change their painful, unhealthy relationship patterns.
Frank, sounds like the narcissist you're talking about is the one that has no issue other than going no contact. The label I'd use is narcopath. They're highly manipulative, destructive and obviously not capable of showing love, compassion, empathy, real emotions and feelings as they mimic them. The damage is definitely soul destroying.
NPD and BPD traits have lots of overlap, and a proper diagnosis is almost impossible unless one is in therapy for several months or years. MH pros (especially ones that claim to be online) don't even know the differences at times, as they understably begin to blur together after a while.
Videos like this have made me realize that I have endured gaslighting my entire life. Everything you're explaining is exactly the way my mother would treat me. Even to this day, she tells me my childhood was not the way I remember. At first, a piece of me questioned that statement and I thought maybe I was over exaggerating. But thankfully I have done a lot of healing these past years and I was able to quickly dismiss that thought of self-doubt. I know what happened and it was not ok. I'm so thankful that now I understand myself worth and that my feelings matter. It's videos like this that have helped me to grow.
This explains a lot of what happened in one of my recent relationships. By the end of it she had me thinking I was crazy, now I realize things we're not really how they seemed at the time.
Here is a list of what Abusers/Narcissists usually do to their targets :
- Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke.
- When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim.
- Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not.
- They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right.
- Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical.
- They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection.
- Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target.
- They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing).
- They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!).
- Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything.
- Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help.
- When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors.
- Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them.
- They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior.
- They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer.
- They think they are models to be followed.
- They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
Please share this message to other people and forums. We have to raise awareness!
Oblivion Darkheart daddyofive
Oblivion Darkheart Just want to say, thank you for your comment, it's been 30 year's we have been together, he didn't start this "phase" until the last 2 year's of the marriage. First it was "I will run my house the way I want" correction, that WAS OUR home
Next was the cheating, with a family member, right under my nose, then the BLAME game , every day without fail. Now I am in a shelter for battered and abuse women, and he is holding up the divorce. When I came here, the therapist, said I had the classic sign's of PTSD, never knew there was such a thing
Anyway trying to put it ALL behind me, and going my way. The "family" we had is blaming me for this whole mess. Remember me, that I will stay strong this time, and I will keep my guard up.
Oblivion Darkheart very very true
That's a really insightful comment @Oblivion Darkheart. I'm currently writing a short film on this subject as I also want to raise awareness about this problem. I was wondering, whether you knew if any concrete examples of gaslighting. It would be super helpful in my research. Thank you! Tatjana x
Oblivion Darkheart I validate your comment nicely said
I've been through this and I got out of the relationship a week ago. My intuition told me all sorts of things concerning infidelity of my partner interacting with others on an intimate level. When I brought this up, the gas lighting began. I felt like I was going insane, I had specific dates wrong, people's names wrong, certain information was distorted and I started to not trust my perceptions and memory. I thought I was the wrong one!
I started seeing a psychologist and was put on medication. As I became more educated and read up on my psychology notes (I am a final year Occupational Therapy student) I found out that my partner was indeed narcissistic and I wasn't going crazy. Thank God I got out of the relationship and I am in the process of healing. What's hurting is that I have my final exams and I have been under-performing. I will never forgive them for what they put me through!
Bottom line: Knowledge is power. Emancipate yourselves from such situations with more knowledge.
Thank you for sharing this!!!
Gaslighters find your soft spot and attack it viciously to shut you down if you try to stand up to them and assert yourself. She has shamed me physically many times for both my flaws and positives. I wanted to fight back but could not stoop down to her level. I could have counter-attacked her for for her physical deformity. It would have hurt her tremendously but I could not do it. The words were on the tip of my tongue. It is our conscience that makes us vulnerable and unable to attack in kind. She throws stones and lives in a glass house but i cannot break it because it would have been wrong and malicious. I walk away and ignore and cut off contact.
Hi. They are easier to spot. Anyway I can't watch this through. You women are tough because I'm starting to get real teared up . I'm sorry.
My mom is a narcissist and I've started to notice that she's been trying to gaslight me. I got away from her and my family but I've got to get my daughter back.
in my relationship there were subtle things he did. he invalidated my reality and dismisses me and says "we have talked about this too much already"
So we all gaslight to a certain extent, but it can be taken to another level.
This is a great topic/video. I was negatively gaslit by an addict/co-worker before. It was really frustrating because I was treated unfairly in the workplace. I felt like I could not have a voice and that I didn't have basic rights. It's hurtful. I would say, to the victims of this psychological abuse, you are not the crazy one and it is good to talk to people about this stuff!
Yes, I saw his text messages to the other woman and when I asked him whether it was over and done with her he got angry at me and felt like a victim. He bevande yelling and screaming on the street making me feel shameful . He then Made it clear to me that I was jelous for no reason and he wòuld not deal with me!
I disagree that Gaslighter's are unconscious to that behavior. They do it deliberately
Christal Clear It's both. Some people may do it intentionally/consciously, and some do it unintentionally/unconsciously. Some people probably have a mix of both. The easy thing to say is they all do it i intentionally, because it makes it easier to demonize and blame, but the truth, as it often is especially with human behavior, is a little more complicated.
Of course they do it deliberately. It is a control tactic. Don’t ever confuse that, people. It is all deliberate.
dead on felt like I was caught in a dark web..hated being there hated who I became...hated trying to still treat them with dignity...it wasn't worth it worse 4 yrs of my life
eraina lewis Ain't that the truth? I ended mine after 30 year's. The cheating is what done me in
Mostly cause it was a family member on my family side. Remember me!
Thats the thing about dealing with them day in an day out. You get fed up you slowly start taking on their characteristics an during this process they start adopting positive characteristics. To the outsider looking in you seen to be the narc an they appear to be the victim. Its a sick game.
Ayye, I dealt with all 3 in the same relationship. No wonder I had a mental break and ended up in the crisis ward and became suicidal.
Hi thanks all for the feedback on the volume. I bought a new microphone system and will play around with it to make the next video louder.
pretty lady :)
oh was just about to comment about that lol would love to hear what you are saying... (: going to sub and wait for the new mic and new vids.. take care
BETTER AUDIO VERSION POSTED: th-cam.com/video/InpeTfzV7CI/w-d-xo.html
I heard it clearly. Just turned up the volume to 100%. At least there wasn't any background noise that puts you at risk of hearing loss.
I came across your videos from a friend on Facebook. The betrayal trauma is what I'm experiencing right now. It helps to know that there is a name for what I'm experiencing. My story, I feel, is like no other ever heard of. The way it happened I mean. It was very detrimental to my mental and physical health. We're back together now trying to make things work but since it's been almost a year since it happened I'm starting to have memory flashbacks. It's fall, Halloween, fall fair, school starting again. I feel like I'm reliving the moment all over again. Like dejavu but now I have knowledge of what's coming in the future. It's the most awful thing to ever go through. Thank you for sharing this and helping me further understand what I'm going through. I wish I could tell my story from beginning to end so I could get someone else's thoughts on my current situation.
You have saved my sanity over and over. So much gratitude!
This woman is good.. I watched one of her videos two days ago, utilized what is learned from it the very next day, and was a powerstar in my relationship! Right when the argument and negative remarks began I simply let them roll right off of me and focuses on staying positive and firm. Before I knew it, my experience went from being verbally attacked to the other person laughing it all off like it was a joke the entire time. I know it was no joke but I do think they see that they has some adjustments to do within their self. We all have room for growth and are guilty of such behaviors without even knowing sometimes..some habits come from our background, while others we tend to grab along the way to stay protected from getting hurt...all in all, I'm so thankful for her guidance
OMG. I found out about a second affair after two years of being told I was paranoid and need help. This is my wife. Why do I miss this person? We are in the middle of a divorce and it's awful.
be strong! going through the same thing.
I am so thankful I found you Kristin! So helpful!
"Empathy trap." Totally been there, and still fight it every day.
oh how I wish I had known this 25 years ago. I suffered so long. I finally escaped, but He reigns as king of the good guys. And I am recovering queen of the crazies...
Yes. He says I'm crazy all of the time. He tells anyone who will listen.
I was with a narcissist for 3 years. She beat me down to where I had no friends or family. Left me broken, depressed not knowing what I am going to do.
Just got out of a situation with this going on, it was...........SO EXTREME. Everything i was logicalizing in my mind as to what was going on, is EXACTLY how you're explaining it, but i never knew it had a name! Thank you SO. MUCH!!! It was meant for me to accidentally stumble upon this!!! Wow.
Gaslighting.... One of my favorite subjects!!!
great video. the beginning of Gas lighting begins at 5:31
I think that it is useless to say any more: "Those good old times!" All these unhealthy patterns have been born during centuries - the science of psychology is just now so developed, that these all mechanisms that people have been using hundred of years and developed an art of them, comes in to the light. Soon all can see, how politicians use gas lighting, media is using gas lighting, by choosing the new they tell to people (what they do not tell, it would be interesting to know???) in the workplaces people are been gaslighted and manipulated...in the schools children are manipulated and it is called "education"... At schools they tell to children stories that are not necessarily true at all! The more knowledge grows, (internet has made that possible for more and more people...) the more equal people will become creating their possibilities in life, because no-one can keep them down without their acceptance, and they know it! Little by little the world is changing, indeed! Thank you!
Very well said I was actually thinking about this very same thing yesterday ,it's a crazy world out there
Notes On Paper yes. It is true. But thos old behaviour patterns do not work any more and they are now those problems, because People just do not tolerate same things as before and people - fortunately - are more equal than decents ago. For example it is illegal to hit a child as a "punishment" - and in old times it was mormal, that when a cild was "bad", a patent could hit a child. The same happens with verbal abuse, some tactics will not be tolerated any more and it is very good. People start to be more concious. Anyway, the problem is always if people treat each others unrespectfully. Gaslighting is one way to be unrespectful.
more people need to watch and understand this. thank you!
Thank you for this clear video...you didn't talk in circles and it was very easy to watch.
You sent another comment but it didn't seem to post on the site so I can't reply. Post again if you want me to respond.
+Kristin Snowden Yeah...I deleted it because it was my life story..all I can say is that I am glad my ex husband left me because despite all you talk about I would have never left. Everything you talk about are things I went through. But what my question was more about is, is it possible that instead of intentionally ignoring the signs you are naive about the things he was doing? I was raised in a very clean functional home and the things he was doing (in retrospect) were just so unimaginable in my eyes. And, I married him at 19 and went straight from mom and dad to him. I had never seen and heard of things he was doing...17 years later I have PTSD and am still triggered by things. It's really hard to move on.
I have an article on Betrayal Blindness that talks about the subject you're asking about: www.kristinsnowdenmft.com/apps/blog/entries/show/43415035-you-re-not-stupid-it-s-called-betrayal-blindness
We all have instincts and intuition that is developed and refined over our lifetime. There's also a level of naivety that plays into our earlier relationship "errors" or missteps. That's why it's so important to review these traumas, put a name to them, understand how they happened, change our maladaptive patterns that contributed to them so they don't happen again.
You are super brilliant, and explained this in such a clear concise manner. Thank you!
im the screaming name caller but what fails to be acknowledged is the gas lighting, silent treatments, sabotage, disrespect, false accusations tht lead up to me being verbally abusive. how much can some one take before spiraling down? any body who knew me and the bf thought i was this horrible woman.
Hey I'm the same way now. Years and years of this had made me such a horrible person inside but I know it's not who I am. Just keep trying. I find they really have nothing to say when you are finally able to say what it is you've held on for so long. I've been trying to fix this issue for a long time. The only option for me is out. I need peace and it sounds like you do as well
joan baczek This video made me realize I mirrored the behavior because it was in front if me. Don't let another person make you step out of character.
joan baczek have you looked up narcissistic personality disorder? It is a root to other cluster B personality disorders like borderline, sociopathic, and psychopathic...
There’s a thing called reactive abuse.
Sapnu...I’ve just recently put a label on what has been happening all my life...but especially now in my second marriage...When we were dating, my second and present husband sent out signals I ignored because I wanted a partner who I could enjoy and love...No Sooner were we married then the gaslighting started...It revolved around alcohol use and misuse...He would only act lovingly when he drank but then if he drank too much in one go, he’d fall asleep or more importantly pass out.....When I told him of my frustrations during sex, he blamed it on menapause...He still doesn’t think he drinks too much...and we haven’t had sex in 20 years...
When I repeatedly asked him to do something around the house, he’d get sulky like a child because he didn’t want to do it...Then he’d deliberately do something to irritate and if I got angry with him, he’d change the story and lie about his involvement and tell me I was nuts...The latest denials are to blame it on someone or something else or stare at me while I got upset...A distinct look that says ...you need help lady, because you are really off the rails...He hides his behavior from outsiders and tells them I’m the bitch he has to put up with...Nobody sees how he causes the $*&#@t, they just see how upset I get...He comes off as a pure sweet innocent soul...yah right!!
I feel myself getting upset now writing you, this you tube email...I’ve been backed into a corner and I have no way out..He wants to take 1/2 of my inheritance because the law says he has the right to it...I’m almost 70 and can’t see myself becoming dependent on my children because my husband ( not their father) takes me to the cleaners...
Thanks for reading this ....
I agree about educating everyone on these types of behaviors, especially making our young adults aware of this type of manipulation, and not just a description in a psychology class but a real program to teach young adults to protect and empower themselves. This knowledge can not be underestimated. It can result in people saving themselves from years of unnecessary self sabotage .
To skip to the definition of gas lighting go directly to 5:30 in the video. Thumbs up if you found this helpful and want others to find it quickly.
my intelligence was getting insulted while he was talking to *her. He wanted to carry on 2 relationships so he told me I was crazy everytime I would question that he was texting *her. He would say that Im paranoid and need more anxiety drugs.I would clearly see the fb searches and the texts on the phone bill but somehow he would figure out a way to convince me I was seeing things. After awhile, you do go crazy
Yeah if they get you isolated to a point it gets really bad. At that point they try to control your entire reality. They will literally say an do things in your face an flat out deny it. If they have you isolated in their social circle that gives them the ability to completely control the narrative. Disgusting people to say the least.
Gaslighting is detectable when you know you feel kicked to the wayside at the abusers gain or "win" of some argument or situation - more often than not. I've learned to ignore them.
This is a fantastic video about Gas Lighting. So many people link Gas Lighting solely with Narcissism. That practice is very misinforming. Emphasizing the subconscious vs. conscious forms of it really help to define it. The examples you used were excellent. Also, fantastic work at also emphasizing how this technique can be covert or "Flies under the Radar". This really is a great learning tool.
I definitely lost myself and definitely all of the wrong doings she perpetrated were only seen as wrong by people other than her.
I REALLY lost myself. I honestly thought I had developed borderline personality disorder.
Wow I grew up with this gaslighting constantly being told that my feelings were wrong and or ignore abuse from my father and toxic sibling...then I ended up marrying a narcissist who constantly gas lighted me... no wonder now in my fifties I am always second guessing myself. This is so painful and heartbreaking to see how I was so groomed or set up for abuse. Thanks for sharing your videos on the subject. The responsibility is on the gaslighter however... because they are the manipulative evil doer.
My partner put my memory and recall into question. Yes, she was on a pedestal and I regret putting her there. She never apologised for anything. She would gaslight me but it snapped back on her eventually as i know my memory is good. In fact it is brilliant for recalling events. She is now doubting hers which isn't the best but made out she was always right. No we don't I've together anymore.
Thanks - excellent insight! I'm glad that someone, Kristen Snowden, is privy to this form of manipulation. I was a victim. It took a few years to realize the scam - didn't know that it had a 'name,' i.e., gas lighting. I was lucky and managed to focus on work - realizing that if the paycheck stopped my kids would suffer. Anyhow, 15 years later, my kids love me - I love them - the ex-wife is financially-secure and healthy. Things are not perfect but easy compared to the initial shock of 'discontinuation.'
I dont even know who I am anymore.
Valerie Stout I know just where you are coming from. Been there witnessed this for 30 years. He is a sick person. A little boy, in a grown up body. Remember me!
Ok .. I saw someone mentioned volume already so I will not go there and just simply say your video is awesome and very helpful ... Thank u so much...
I really love your podcasts because it helps me understand my relationship dynamics and trauma I suffered in the hands of what I call a Histrionic Narccisist woman. And being a male anyway the beauty of you women clouds our judgment anyway. But that's all external. I recognized Narcissisim and got a little on me. They say Narcissists don't know they are Narcissists as with my siblings,God luv me, of the Golddn trip our older generations seemed to be on. So I'm glad this is addressed.
There's some nuance here that I haven't heard elsewhere. Thank you.
This is such a way too wonderful way to explain.You have explained it in a simple way.Now i fully understand what is going on.This is excellent.Thank you so much.You have saved my life.When i say something i am told i am told i am too sensitive and picky.
Can I ever be healed???? It's been a year since I broke with my gasligting mom :(
My website address has changed! www.kristinsnowden.com Check it out and let me know what you think!
My husband was a piece of shit!
Thank you! I'm glad you are making these videos. Appreciate your more realistic and fair approach....
Thank you Kristin! Your videos do help and show another side of this type of personality disorders! I like how you show the difference between love addicts, and love avoided! And how they can swap roles! So to speak! Thanks again and coming out of these moral life styles is vary, vary painful! God bless
Thank you so much for this video. It really gave me greater insight.
Parent relationship, you got that right. He was already looking for my replacement. I was told this by his friend Karen. He had already boldly cheated on me with crazy borderline, she stalked me a year. And he will deny that he slept with this woman. I wasn't born yesterday, and women don't stalk unless there has been some kind of intimacy
Living with consistent sarcasm, cynicism, put-downs, emotional isolation and this "gas-lighting"....all these things combine to erase a person. They really do cause you, eventually, to feel invisible, and invisible is a horrid way to live. The lack of validation and respect and LOVE can kill you. If you can get out, get OUT. The toll this will take on your health will kill you if you don't end up doing that yourself. This is a toxic situation the effect of which can not be over-stated. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can "deal" with all this day in and day out. You can't. Get out.
Bravo!!!👏🏼👏🏼 Outstanding video!!
My EVIL NARC mother use Gas Lighting a lot on the whole family. She was a SICKO!!
I came from an abusive house of HORRORS which made me a codependent person.
This Gas lighting is a Big trigger for me.
I've had 2 Narc ex-boyfriend in my past life that all most destroyed me. You are there PLAY
TOY in there Big Fun House from HELL. These Narc are like The invasion of the bodysnatchers sucking your Energy force from the inside out. Your left a broken down empty person on the verge of suicide. RUN don't LOOK BACK and THROW AWAY the KEY to the FUN HOUSE. NARC FREE FOREVER!!!!!!
Subscribe!!!!!
Hi Yvonce, I'm writing a short film about gaslighting as I want to bring awareness about it and help everyone who is being gaslighted. I was wondering, would you be free for a quick chat. I'd love to hear your personal story and your experiences with gaslighting. My email address is info@fashionartista.com Looking forward to hearing from you!
thank you so much you might've saved my life or at least a good 30 or 40 years of unhappiness
The personality who wants to please others is the one who needs to realize the question is what does god want for me so the self question wont have to torment me any longer
I think I've been connected to someone with narcissistic tendencies. I'm the servent and he's the king. all he does is pick me apart. everything I do is wrong. I've gone out of my way to please him and it always comes with negative comments regardless. I'm either trying too hard, or not enough. He rarely tells me I'm beautiful. He's told me I look like shitt before and I said nothing..
he's an angelic prince who lives in this imaginary celebrity world. he thinks he can do whatever. it's true, he does target my weaknesses.
We are on and off and he always comes back and I accept. I want to be free, I'm sick of this
wowa! every single thing you said is what I am dealing w
my ex would always tell me "youre not thinking straight" this happened during fights and when i wanted to break up with him. he would then tell me about the wonderful future we could have. is this gas lighting??
Sim Tard yea makes sense. im just so confused as to wat was wat in this relationship. its been 2 years and im still confused about how i feel about it all.
Yes!!
it's more subtle than that. some people think they are "right" and anyone else is just wrong.
Somebody might think I'm right and your wrong. They like to gaslight.
and i have anxiety and depression issues so it's easy for this person to think it's me and not him- but really both he and i created some dark stuff.
hell get to the point I no longer care what gaslighting is you took too long to explain it.
I will stick with what works for me. I've come to love and accept the person I see in the mirror each day. I know what works right or wrong. I no longer spend time or energy with foolish people. I am not desperately seeking anything or anyone. I enjoy my own company . I have many things to keep me busy and sane. A burdensome relationship does not happen to me anymore. Come correct or you can't stay and I won't feel anything but free and content. I'm responsible for my own happiness. I tell this to all young women coming to me crying about some nonsense they're allowing to take hold of their being.
If you feel trapped start making plans to get the hell out. Worried you won't have the lifestyle you've grown accustomed to. I had many Setback's after freeing myself from a abusive relationship. But all the stuff i had and what I allowed myself to put up with, doesn't compare to the happiness I feel now. I now have respect from the men I talk with either they accept my reasonable standards or they move on. This is my life and this works for me😁
Shari Campbell -your rude
Love your work. It is so helpful. Thank you.
cycles of insanity indeed... indeed.
This is an excellent and informative video. Thank you so much!
Very, very insightful. thank you for this useful video.
relationships by its very nature is emotional attachment and of emotional dependency which we interpret as love
good work Kristin !!
Awesome insight
Is it normal for these to trigger pain in me. I started crying. 6 foot buffed and crying. Is it normal?
The volume is way too low. I'd like to listen once it's fixed.
Improved audio version uploaded. Hope you can hear it now... th-cam.com/video/InpeTfzV7CI/w-d-xo.html
I wonderd how these strangers approaching me knew or had the same problem or need , and how certain people repeated information I shared privately in self help groups & healing & self care groups to heal .
That’s why I stopped going to self help groups & sharing my story..... because it didn’t feel safe or private ...... so really your conditioned to not share your story or get help .... because they let you know that nothings really kept private.
So in my situation healing is not really in my control.
Everything I trusted in life , has gone.
There’s mirroring your victims needs .... & there’s letting the victim know that they know private details you disclose in privacy to self help groups in trust & faith.
These people make you lose everything that makes you human.
It’s the worst experience I’ve ever been through. I don’t understand how people are allowed to gain all the victims personal information to further revictimise or abuse victims.
I’ll probably meet someone tommorow that can comb out matted hair ....... with a mirror.
I Never really ever got the choice or chance to meet a solution.
But I do seem to meet people that prey on people’s problems to exploit further.
Thank you- so valuable.
I have a lot!
Thankyou for not bringing your relationship in this area as others have done, I think hurt gets in the way of good information. The other video's are helpful indeed but get based on one's own experiences instead of a broader look at the disorder. Thankyou.
When someone is in the throes of an affair. Not throws.
Her voice is really calming. She could throw all this helping people stuff in the garbage and do ASMR videos if she wanted to. Or merge the two. ASMR and GasLighting (soft talking, whispers, etc. Tapping)
Sumd3vil thanks! I don’t think my kids would agree that I have a very calming voice! 😂
@@KristinSnowden I'm sure they sometimes test your nerves and hear a different voice than in the videos. LOL! Awesome videos so far. I just stumbled across them today and really enjoy the way you present things. I'm a fan already and just want to say thanks in advance for all the free advice!
Thank you so much, this so insightful. :)
Fantastic stuff, great work!
Thank you so much!
What do you mean when you said "lose oneself"??? Can you explain more about that subject? What happens and why exactly do you think people "lose their identity's"?
+Bryan Faux I get into more detail on that topic in my other video on healthy relationships: th-cam.com/video/bdYFla0jyEo/w-d-xo.html but it's less about losing oneself and more about one allowing oneself to be defined by and get all his/her value and worth from other fleeting or flawed things. For instance, if one gains a lot of worth and value from his/her loved ones (versus believing that he or she is valuable and worthy no matter if that person chooses to love them back), that is setting one up for hurt and disappointment because they're putting his/her worth on someone else who is flawed and screws up and may come and go. Does that make more sense? Watch the healthy vs unhealthy relationships video and let me know if you have more clarity.
Ahhh! Yes definitely! Thank you! We must define ourselves.. I get that!! But what I don't understand is that feeling of death, emptiness, dispare and shattering after a relationship ends with someone we were in love with...? Do you know if we/people are capable of stealing each other's identity's or essence? And if so, would that be considered eating each other in a sense spiritually?
Do you think it's better to just be "friends"?? I mean is there anything better than a good friendship?:) The rest is mainly just possession and power right??
Wow, thanks for the great video! I found this video after just realizing yesterday that I was being gaslighted by ex-wife for the last 5 years of our marriage. Lots of that-happened-to-me moments during the video. :/
BTW, do you subscribe to David Schnarch's (Intimacy and Desire, The Passionate Marriage) view of relationship dynamics? Sounds like you two are cut from the same cloth.
Your videos are really eye-opening!! Thank you!
Can gaslighting trigger manic/depressive episodes in people with bipolar disorder?
Generally speaking, stress of any kind can trigger manic or depressive episodes and being gaslighted is often stressful and overwhelming. So....
I only asked because it made me think of someone I know. She has bipolar and her boyfriend knows about it. I think he intentionally triggered her ups and downs using this gaslighting tactic, but because she is all over the place to begin with she wasn't sure if it was her bipolar symptoms or her boyfriend.
Omg this is so true
i had an ex who would keep calling the house and hanging up, i was wrong in the relationship not to willingly change my number again-i just felt like changing my number was letting the ex win control and its just annoying to have to remember who got the new number and who needs it, and its pointless cuz eventually the ex finds my number some how. i finally got so frustrated i just gave up having a phone, when that was causing problems with medical appts i got a phone and new number then started getting weird calls and the caller id was loaded with all these weird number, id come home from work and have fights with my boyfriend because of all these phone calls that came in while i was gone. he wouldn't' call the numbers himself he'd just scream at me "what are all these phone calls from" i would call all the numbers and get a dead line or a survey or some company trying to get me to consolidate my debt. but he wouldn't listen to the call when i called it back. he wanted to believe i was betraying him, and it just filled me with rage that was almost 3 years ago but im still angry about it. im so sick of having to be a gumshoe to prove my character my character to speak for it self.
I think this is a very fair and reasonable problem...........and that is, what if the person actually IS crazy/his or her responses make no sense or are really foolish/idiotic. What's that called? I have no shame in calling out idiocy
Please record your next videos with a better quality microphone. I really love this video, because you are more fair about gaslighting. Such as your comment that we all do it.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm just blaming him all the time, like I was perfect, like I'm playing the victim, and when I share a video, and they aren't very balanced or fair about the victim's role in the toxic relationship, it portrays me in a perfect light and them as demons or monsters.
I am NOT minimizing narc abuse AT ALL. But I do like to be fair. I wasn't an angel, and I am sure I used manipulation in one form or another, and never thought about it until I watched this video, but maybe I also gas lighted him on occasion. Idk, I will have to think about this.
I'm all about introspection these days, and after 21 years of marriage, I KNOW I had some fault in the dysfunction.
But I know for sure that IM NOT a narcissist. I couldn't stand seeing him in agony or when he would say he was losing his mind.
During the "hoovering" times...
So, I would love to share your videos and listen to them and actually HEAR them. I'm hard of hearing but not enough that I need a hearing aid. I finally went and bought a speaker and it didn't work loudly enough. Of course...ughhhh.
Next video will be louder
better audio version posted: th-cam.com/video/InpeTfzV7CI/w-d-xo.html
just an FYI but I had no problem hearing your vid, I just turned up my device and enjoyed your knowledge on the subject, thank you!
Vant hear this...my volumn is turned sky high..damn i didnt want to miss this
This has better audio
th-cam.com/video/InpeTfzV7CI/w-d-xo.html
i don't think it's particularly healthy to hear people out when their ideas are completely nonsensical or out of this world....and this happens a lot
You wanna know how to avoid gaslighting, do n’t care yo and make sure you don’t give them anything you might regret!
The volume is too low. Great vid though.
The idea that both people in a conversation can have their own perspective of reality...and that neither is evil/stupid/crazy...is completely foreign to me after being raised in an extremely dysfunctional family. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this idea. I think that's where gaslighting by either the narcissist or the codependent comes from: thinking "there can be only one," and so both are fighting to be the one who is "right."
Can you talk specifically about issues caused by being raised by gaslighters? There is no "prior self" for me to compare my current situation with. And I'm struggling to identify healthier patterns to replace the old, dysfunctional patterns. There's a lot of trial-and-error in dealing with my parents, as I try to figure out how to be healthier in those relationships without ever having seen it modeled well.
Hi. I suggest you view my second video on healthy relationships and healthy boundaries. th-cam.com/video/LeJVNum2zwY/w-d-xo.html That further discussed the consequences of being in an unhealthy dynamic, provides a quiz to help you identify the "loss of self" and goes over the healthy boundaries to replace the dysfunctional patterns. I post all the charts and resources on my website which is linked in the comments of each video. I wish you the best in your journey.
Sorry, here's the link to my second video (hopefully) th-cam.com/video/bdYFla0jyEo/w-d-xo.html
you did a thorough job breaking down the components thanks
This therapist could have mentioned that Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer starred in this excellent movie (Gaslight www.imdb.com/title/tt0036855/?ref_=nv_sr_2). Ingrid Bergman actually won a Best Actress Oscar that year for her performance.
What about a relationship where we gaslighted each other. Is it possible for two people to do this over and over to each other and be able to fix it. The relationship was extreme and he was a son of an abuser, I was the child of an abuser and we in our relationship abused each other, is there a way to fix that and is it better to work on yourself first if you are a victim and abuser? Should you completely disengage from person?
+laura leigh Hi Laura, watch my first video on the love addict/love avoidant cycle and let me know if that answered any of your questions. It's linked in my comments.
This makes gaslighting complicated. The fact is it makes u feel crazy
Thanks Kristin. Helpful to have professional commentary in this space. How much have you dealt with truly Malignant Narcissists? I know gaslighting very very well. I now see it everywhere and when I do it's like a meta moment and I realize I can stop fighting but it kills any respect or future friendship / jobship I may be having with that person. However, I am not sure I totally agree with you that narcs are 'afraid' and 'scared' to let you see how insecure they are. I don't think that is really the way their thoughts are framed or that they have any thoughts at all. I think they just 'do'. Like an evil android with layers of programming to use against you.
HI. Thanks so much for your comments. As I mentioned in a previous response above, I have had several email and comments regarding the "thin line" between those who gaslight deliberately and with the intent to cause harm vs. those who gaslight for more "defensive" or subconscious purposes. Therefore, I want to do a separate video on that topic. There are also several different definitions or schools of thought regarding narcissism and narcissistic tendencies. I have worked with many malignant people who have done extremely harmful, deplorable things to others. I have a lot of different belief systems surrounding the "whys" or motivations behind their behavior. Is it extreme trauma? Is it narcissism? Are they antisocial or psychopaths who can't experience empathy? Anyway, these are things I'm going to comment on in the next video. Thanks again for your comment.
Thank you so much. Because of my unfortunate awareness I do see the difference as I see gaslighting in people I know well who are blind to their own behavior or traumas. I guess I am just not sure I really care about the motivations behind my birth vessel's behavior. I don't have any curiosity at all because for me her lack of empathy and psychopathic behavior are proof enough for me of her lack of empathy and psychopathic behavior. Sometimes I wonder if my total lack of missing them or love experience for my former toxic family is a narcissistic trait. I know I am not like her at all and I have LOTS of empathy for other human beings and animals. Anyone put upon, abused and discarded...but none for that brood. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism but I know the love is dead.
don't we do what we do as a response to fear of something or a love of something? We either move toward something or away from it based on this fear/love paradigm, no? I agree with the presenter that folks that engage in this gaslighting behavior are doing it to maintain their authority or sense of authority and being right but in reality, they're just small, scared little people on the inside. Having said that, I do agree with you that there are people that actually enjoy creating chaos and are quite sadistic.
this is why forgiveness is the only way out, without it, you just remain locked up all the while thinking they are the ones locked up..it's the person who suffered under the abuse that's locked up. We dillude ourselves into thinking the distance we've created solves the problem but without forgiveness, the wound remains.
I think folks like me get hung up on this concept of 'forgiveness' at least in my case of deep, childhood trauma. So deep my conscious mind can't really work it out. The traumas just exist in a space before I had language and then became the air I breathed. for me, forgiveness is immaterial. for me, it's about letting go and learning about MY trauma responses and how to heal them. that is the real function of physiological 'forgiveness', no? Letting go of the toxin and not being wound up in the hate/stress/preoccupation? Outside of that forgiveness as a public act (here I am, and I forgive yada yada, see?) is about ego and showing the world you forgive and isn't verbal ayahuasca. The wound remains with or without my forgiveness and she'll never ask for it anyway, so why waste my breath in real life, on her, only to have a non-response or more drama to respond to? I don't need to forgive her to heal and that is what I want people to know. Let her ask God for forgiveness. Peace.
There is no codependency ….only control exists with a narcissist or cheater ….
Hello Kristin! I was wondering if you can relate the love addict, love avoidant to the narcissists borderline model because to me there are a lot of the same, just with the narc/ borderline is highly abusive ! Soul destroying! And massive control! Always in a downward spiral! To emptiness! I would like to hear from you, and thank you for explaining the love issue! I can see some in me to, thx
Mental health professionals use lots of labels, categories, and models when they're educating their clients on topics. Love addiction, love avoidance, personality disorders (like Narcissism or Borderline PD) are all various labels and potential diagnoses. I care less about the labels and more about how you understand the symptoms and origins of the problematic behaviors come from IN YOUR LIFE, SPECIFICALLY. If I over-generalized and categorized "Narcissists" and "Borderlines", they would most definitely exhibit various intimacy disorder symptoms such as love addiction and/or avoidance. Both of their behaviors can be extremely abusive and destructive to others. But, again, my main purpose for creating these videos is to help others find these problems/tendencies/patterns within their own life, help them put a name to their pain, and--most importantly--help them change their painful, unhealthy relationship patterns.
Frank, sounds like the narcissist you're talking about is the one that has no issue other than going no contact. The label I'd use is narcopath. They're highly manipulative, destructive and obviously not capable of showing love, compassion, empathy, real emotions and feelings as they mimic them. The damage is definitely soul destroying.
NPD and BPD traits have lots of overlap, and a proper diagnosis is almost impossible unless one is in therapy for several months or years. MH pros (especially ones that claim to be online) don't even know the differences at times, as they understably begin to blur together after a while.
gaslighting is what the education system is all about.
Thanks Carolle zz! Ya! They are like sharks! Just looking for food or supply