This Is Why 80% Of Relationships DON'T LAST - Jordan Peterson
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 13 ต.ค. 2024
- Speaker: Jordan Peterson Thanks for watching!
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"If you can always leave then you don't have to tell each other the truth."
Married or not, you can always leave and you never have to tell each other the truth
@@cbartal1 Well, if that’s your position on marriage, then you’re not really married then.
And sadly the reality is just that- many people who are married aren’t really committed, and are unwilling to live in truth, and will run away rather than deal with and grow from it.
Living lies leads to living empty lives.
Why if you want to leave someone in the future, it excludes you still telling the truth to that person you are in a relationship with?
@@samyangkam8928 yes, and some people who aren't married have a committed and happy life together. Free will knows nothing of paperwork and marriage doesn't negate free will.
Mr. Peterson lives in a fantasy world. In the real world, people are ready to settle down a lot later in life for pure financial reasons. So what do you do until then? Get married to a person you are not ready to settle down with? Come on, man.
The only time my better half left me is when he recently passed away 💔.
We had 43 wonderful years together. We were blessed..
I'm sorry for your loss 😞
@@madethistocomment727 Thank you so much
Blessed, he left when God called him home. We are not all that lucky.
My deepest sympathies to you & your loved ones.
@@whistlepiglet
Thank you 💓
it's crazy listening to these because relationships are not relationships anymore. people give up on amazing things for people that will never stay by you. it's sad seeing the way things are now from back then love is not love anymore it's not the same
I agree :/
Me too, and as a man, it’s hard to want to invest in future relationships because what’s the point, you trained the last one and she left well trained for the next guy.. peace and quiet are much better if you’re formidable to take life on by yourself
@@cousin_JACK She will eventually do to him what she did to you, those types only get better at concealing their bad behavior for a longer period. They eventually get caught.
Id argue that relationships are better now than before since the concept of leaving is more acceptable. Which makes dedication more valuable. Whereas 50-70 years ago getting married was standard and it didn't matter who, you were an outcast or failure if you never married. (similar to how old people in Japan view it as well) so people would get hitched for the simplist reasons and loathe each other for years afterward
@@lucasfleming3360 Ya know what? I actually may switch sides on my perspective on this topic based on your comment, man.
For me, it is pretty easy to agree with the Original comment. Considering you get literal evidence majority of the time, nowadays. What with people cheating, being toxic, and, for whatever reason, feeling justified for doing so for what seems like a lot more in this present time than in the past. (Though, of course, I'll admit that I'm ignorant on that. Since I'm pretty young, myself. Mid twenties.)
HOWEVER, Looking at it from your perspective? It, Honestly, makes things more bearable. It makes the patience more obtainable(?) And the actual Value of Commitment, itself, more wonderful.
There's a lot of parents and older grandparents who HATED each other in the world. Now that's not to say that it's still not around with modern(?) Day adults and young adults, but considering the amount of toxicity there is in human beings now? I'm MUCH more likely to end a toxic relationship or divorce my partner if I'm unhappy (Of course, after actually trying to solve problems. Granted they're not incredible problems, aha.). Furthermore, I'm MUCH more happy growing as a person, whilst being single. I'm able to become a stronger and more capable Man, along with being able to gather more experience with my own self. So when the woman whom I will come to love DOES finally appear in my life, I'll have helped minimized the possibilities of mistakes or the like by a significant amount. Increasing the chances of us ACTUALLY leaving this Earth Genuinely Loving each other vs hating each other.
Dang. Thank you for enlightening me, bro. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, here's a snowman as my parting gift ⛄
I love his heart and sincerity.. this man speaks volumes all the time..
Been living with my girl for 7 years right out of high school. Been in a relationship for almost 11. Been engaged for 1 year. We have no kids and have planned every step of the way so I guess we beat the odds. She is my best friend and I hers we share everything we take care of each other and I wouldn't trade it for anything. We are so blessed. I wish you all the same and more.
I wish I can have something like that in the future
I wish you two the best. Cherish this friendship / partnership/ companionship with all your energy. This is so unbelievably rare. I had this but lost it over a stupid decision which I regret to this day. She was the one that “got away” I like to say, but in reality it was my choice to take a “break” after 8yrs of being together and I never made a worse decision in my life.
Good for you guys. Best wishes.
✌️&❤️
His point isn't to take the marriage thing at face value, he simply means serious commitment.
@Kiara Some get engaged very quickly and married quickly then divorce quickly we don't hold ourselves to other peoples standards of time or judgements. Both of our families are very proud of us and nothing else matters. I wish you the best in your relationship.
Been with my husband since 2005 when we were 14. Married in 2014 at 22. We welcomed our first baby last November. Feeling so grateful for him and our little family.
❤️❤️congratulations
so he's either rich, or you grew up in a dysfunctional or religious family. either way, good luck
@@jougetsuwhat a retarded take lmao
I always use this analogy: You can be in a room quite happily all day. Knowing you can leave it when you want to, choosing to stay inside it. reading, watching TV whatever. But as soon as you find that someone has locked the door, everything changes and you are desperate to get out.
I like the analogy. But how are you using it here?
And love is an amazing thing that makes so you’d rather be “trapped” in that room with the one you love than “free” but alone
Not a bad analogy but doesn't work here completely. What you're essentially saying is just "never get married" because it's not like if someone takes you to a new house and locks you in it you're any more likely to want to stay in it, you're more likely to want to leave it in fact meanwhile with marriage he was saying the opposite, if you 'lock' yourself into marriage before moving in together then it's more likely to work. You'll never want to be locked in a room tho.
If you are looking into committed relationships in terms of "locking" or "unlocking" deals, then do not get married since you don't have enough maturity yet. Same "logic" would apply for you when working for "someone else" which pictures you as one of those "employees" who just go to work nothing more than a warm body and exists; which as a business owner myself, I totally GET RID of their assess ASAP.
@@jmmr77845 I have been happily married for 40 years. I am speaking from the perspective of observing why oftentimes relationships where people have lived together for a while (particularly if it was a long while) and then get married it doesn't last. Because *they* lack the maturity and don't realise it until it is too late. If you are going to call yourself a Critical Thinker then it pays to walk the walk. lol
Not telling each other the truth will kill any relationship. It's so hard to find someone who is open n willing to stick with their partner through the good n bad. I'm a fighter n I need someone who is willing to fight for the best part of me n vice a versa
I hope one day the whole world hears this piece. People need to take such advice. And understand that its purpose is to prevent pain. Sometimes awful pain lasting years.
Someone in the comments said it best… “commitment comes from your heart”
I always got laughed at for not living with my husband before we were married. I always answered with, "What? Am I going to divorce him because he throws his socks on the floor?". I love the way we did things and we just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. I still would rather spend time with him and our babies than anyone else in the world. And that's all we do, lol
My sisters married before living together, 3 divorces. Husbands didn't do crap in the house. I live with my GF and we seem to be the happiest and most honest couple in the family.
you learn a lot more about a person by living with them than how neat they are lmao
@@thomasford5893 you can do the same dating🤷
@@liannemarie2504 most people aren’t such phenomenal judges of character that they can divine what it’s like to live in the same house as someone just by going on dates with them. please have sympathy for the rest of us fools
@@thomasford5893 going on some dates makes it sound like you married someone after a month. My parents dated for 2 years, never lived together and have been married for 42 years. Both sets of my grandparents didn't live together before marriage. I think the issue most people have is more with committing. I'd say that's a bigger problem. Most folks want an excuse to run
I strive to have enough integrity to tell the truth even though I can leave
That's so beautifully said. It's worth a lot more when you stay when you have the freedom to go, there's no exterior force making you do so.
There is honor in marriage.
It takes guts to tell the truth - and the truth is often ugly.
Lived with my wife for 4½ years before we married. Had our first child in the first year of that as well. That was thirty eight years ago and we've been married for the last thirty-three of them and still going strong.
What matters is how you view life, commitment and marriage; if you go into any relationship not thinking this may last for ever then it won't, simple as. Most of these people are taught they can have/be anything they want, because of this everything in life is disposable, including relationships/marriage.
This is mainly a product of how people are taught/indoctrinated in the modern world. Sad ...
I think the thought that someone can be "the one" is very detrimental to your future relationships too
I swear people who post anecdotes like this don't understand what a statistic is
@@christiantaylor1495 Divorce rates have fallen in recent decades. And there’s a rational explanation for why people who first move in together have slightly higher divorce rates: low income people get divorced more often AND are more likely to need to move in together for financial reasons. This is about economics, not this bizarre speculation that testing compatibility harms relationships. Would he rather we marry our first match on Bumble?
@@SAK1855 Divorce rates have fallen since the free-love era because marriage rates have fallen.
You’re a good man. All it took was for you to leave and as good as a woman she may be, society would label her a whore, a single mom, she should have picked better, when she took a chance on you and trusted you and you came through. Imagine if you didn’t, you’d be able to skate accountability free while society stones her.
Thank you for voicing the words and elaborating on how I've always felt about moving in with someone. You have managed to unlock and put the words to what has been my core thought on the subject.
This is the most beautiful one minute of words.
But there's another thing to this. There really is a loss of community in past decades. I think when everyone got married, stood infront of God and the preacher and the community and grandma and Grandpa and had a big wedding and witnesses to the vows, I think people worked much harder to stay together and community was part of everyones life. Many of us have completely lost community.
Same with parenting. I can see when a parent I know had a community, was part of a community, had witnesses, family around, neighbours around, friends around, they worked harder at parenting. They had standards to uphold, they had people holding them accountable.
When divorce happened and loss of community happened there was child neglect and no one at all holding them accountable. There were now NO standards.
Community is so important, for marriages, raising children, even for single people, elderly people.
The way the world leaders set up society they don't us to have a community
@@erniechipdouglas9779 where is your community? Years ago community was family, extended family, grandparents living close, friends, neighbours, church coworkers. Community was important, it held people accountable. It held standards, it protected traditions, rituals.
Often when someone gets divorce they lose community, children lose community, important traditions etc.
People should value community. I don't think people in power destroy community. I think ppl just stop understanding what's important, divorce is insanely rampant. Idk. Values are lost. People chase money, jobs, better newer shinier spouses. Idk.
So true ; we have lost community
@@burlzburley6096 that is what they wanted
Best to stop reproducing and end all human sufferings via voluntary extinction.
This is exactly what I just left. 2 years long distance and 5 years living together and he told me (a traditional girl) that I’m not wife material or mother material for him 💀 it broke my heart and felt like a shot in the chest, It’s hard but I’m really glad I’m going.
Come here to South Africa 🇿🇦
🌼🌼
Imagine if you had married him, would've been even worse.
Always remember Barbara, you are loved.
@@PiusXulu Your not the first to suggest that 😂 I just enjoy Australia to much!
I fell in love at first sight. Lived together four years. Happily married forty years.
Sometimes it works
😁😁😁
Love this comment. It shows that though it doesn't work most times, it still can happen. Love it. And I don't believe you came off as hard or disrespectful. Love it!
just tell me where and how to find a faithful graceful girl in this new era?
@@truthteller3024 I’d say, probably in the same place others like Lorin did: sending out optimistic and nice vibes, instead of being sullen in the believe all women/girls suck.
Exception to the rule does not invalidate the rule
@@truthteller3024 You have to surround yourself with the right people. If you see negativity now, it's because it's what you're being feed. Either by yourself or by the world. Most likely both. Switch what you feed yourself. It'll give you positivity in life which attracts more people, which can attract more mature woman just like what you're looking for.
My best friends moved in together before they got married, with one sole purpose. To learn EVERY DAMN THING about each other so they knew 4 years down the line one tiny little "quirk" of theirs wouldnt lead to a fallout. Dated for 8 years-ish(Met in Middle school), lived together for 3 years, building their relationship and life. Got married. Had a kid. Still going strong to this day and still two of the best people i have ever had the pleasure of meeting
I've been living w/ the same man for 26yrs and I totally agree w/ what he's saying. I regret staying feeling like its temporary.
My wife and I lived together for 3 years before we got married. We’ve been married for 25 years and the love and compassion is still there. The teamwork is still there. So it can work.
I tend to think this really applies to people who have been living together for much longer than that. These days, living together before marriage is not unusual. It isn't stigmatised and it is convenient. But once this becomes the norm and goes on and on without that final commitment then it moves into different terrain.
Yours is in the 20% that lasts. 👍
Is it possible u were "married before" simply missing doc I live with my bf he is my hubby no documents but married mind set
@@elyssaschofield2320 that's the idea, as soon as your mind and Ur partner is I the same path, a signature is not going to change things.
@@elyssaschofield2320 you're not married
Every time I listen to him l learn something..
and speaking from experience I wish I heard this 11 years ago, l can't tell you how l wish l had heard, and actually listened.
He's a fantastic speaker but a lot of what he says is just his opinion. His views on marriage could easily be countered, and you don't need to be a far left radical to do that.
When you watch Jordan Peterson make sure to always keep a critical lense. This man spews a lot of bullshit and harmful rhetoric. He values traditions and norms above all else which makes him averse to positive changes and progress. The more you peel back his rhetoric the more vile it is.
Very important lesson you learn in relationships. Your own trauma/issues get exposed. A relationship teaches you how to cohabitate with someone. How to be the best version of yourself for a loved one. How to get past your imperfections. Really sad no one cares to do that anymore.
It's hard to find the right people. But they exist.
You don't want the partying type person.
You need someone that has their ego in check, and you should too.
Its a "choose your poison" game. I'm going with 'by myself', thank you very much.
I meet my now husband at a party( very random) we like each other company so we exchanged numbers. 2 weeks later we started dating and 6 months later we got married. Happily married for 10 years and still think I want to stay with him for the rest of my life ❤
Edit: we did live together for about 2 months before we got married ( don't judge me 🤣)
Judging you so hard.
It’s the “think” part that gets me in that last sentence 😅
Nothing wrong with that.
Ex left me on the floor for dead when I collapsed, asked for the divorce, began molesting my children, I lost my business when this all came to light after she remarried and he paid for her lawyer and I lost my children in spite of what she did while I get the privilege of rebuilding yet again with my 50th birthday around the corner. Point taken, Jordan, but like hell I'm never again participating in such a broken system that not only honors such treatment of men but increasingly promotes it.
Same here man, I was married, I've learned every lesson there is. But hey, facing elderly life alone is a sore thought.
Do your best to not allow life to make you bitter and hard.
All the very best my friend..
@@marcoantonio078 Amen.
What do you mean with “collapsed”?(having a heart attack, drunk, or figuratively when you had a depression or something like that)
How did she molest the children?
I'm 34 and been single since 27. Mostly celibate. The system favors, supports, wnd encourages women to misbehave. Imho, most are just users and see men and their income as wallets in their purses
I understand his point but he's only taking the emotional into account. The financial risks are real and devastating.
Like if someone cheats on their parter/spouse the cheater can not be trusted and the one that cheated with the cheater cannot be trusted either.
The victim is really the only one that can be trusted and begin a new relationship if they choose to. Therefore when getting married don’t even consider cheating but take a lot of to think about what kind of person you want to marry.
The word victim just gets thrown around even when the word does not apply
Fu***** victim mentality
When you marry someone with a life commitment, you’ll know and be known deeper emotionally, mentally, & physically than you ever would just dating/sleeping around.
And spiritually! When you mix your soul with someone that has 20 women under his belt and those women transferred demons to them then they transfer it to you. It's a spiritual std!
Damn right you get to know them very well, I got to know them so well that I could tell when she started cheating, lying to me, and expecting me to keep paying for her despite her sleeping with anyone other than me.
The first one let her crazy out bit by bit after she knew I was stuck with her, she let it all out. 8 years of hell followed by 15 years indentured to her. I stayed to protect my kids from her, then the state rewarded her for all her bad actions, and punished me for it.
My second ex lived with me for 8 years, and we got on great, never argued, never fought, disagreed relatively often, but it was nothing like the first one. Then we got married in 2011. Just 16 months later we were divorced, because she figured I wasn't going anywhere, so she could finally go out and cheat on me.
As long as they know I will drop them in an instant, they act right. When I make the commitment, or even tell them I care about them, they lose interest and accidentally fall on a different "Tab D" goin in her 'Slot C' and then they get the house, my income, and whatever else they want as the state will force me to pay.
Now I am 53, live alone, enjoy the hell out of life without some leech in my wallet that will take off with everything I have built and invested in on a whim.
I've dated a few girls in the last 9 years since I kicked number 2 out for cheating, and she got the house anyway, a car, and several thousand dollars in extortion money from false accusations. The other girls were all into me, until I mentioned I cared about them.
I don't even bother asking them out anymore. My dogs provide companionship and early warning for people on my yard, and I can spend my days doing what I want to do, rather than what she thinks I should do... which I never did anyway. Why should I obey someone who lies, cheats, and wastes the money I earn?
So if you got a good one, great. I am done looking, tried out somewhere between 150 and 200 of them, and found them all to be less than desirable, and far from trustworthy.... but I can read nonverbal communication very well, so I know when they start thinking about cheating. If you can't spot that, or don't care if she cheats on you, then you will be together as long as she gets money out of you. :)
@@jesuschristlives2724
Nope. I've got no spiritual STDs.
@@SweatyFatGuy
I choose to never get married.
@@jesuschristlives2724 100
Thank you Mr. Jordan Peter. It’s refreshing to see this in 2023 when loving together without being married is the norm .
Smoothly and powerfully, he raises the Hanmer of truth and light and with ruthless precision strikes the nail on its head......
Thissss. Marriage is different and harder because I can’t just walk away and never look back. This is a legalized commitment we made to each other that takes a lot to break. Especially with kids involved. When you can just leave whenever you please you don’t have to try as hard
If you need to have a legal reason not to betray your partner, you really dare claim that to be love?
For a man who constantly talks about how you must have capacity for evil to be good, this rings false as fuck.
I'd never say that even if I felt it. Communication is such a huge part in a relationship and choosing what we say is an even bigger part.
For the first two years of my marriage, I often thought about leaving, because I felt so worthless. Now, two years in, I now realize that it was other people that were making me feel worthless and that every time I tried to leave some “natural cause” would stop me. I now think that was God trying to send me a message. It’s also, a little bit harder and more costly when you are married, but you get told all kinds of different things. You can’t tell up from down sometimes. It didn’t help that right after our marriage a worldwide pandemic hit. Ours was definitely a marriage forged through the fire. We couldn’t have made it if we were simply “living together.”
Jesus love you, he died on the cross for you, accept him as your lord and savior he can change everything. For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life" (John 3:16)
But you must repent too. From that time Jesus went about preaching and saying, Let your hearts be turned from sin, for the kingdom of heaven is near. (Matthew 4:17):
I lived with my partner for 3 years before we married. We've been together 33 years and married for 30 years.
Good thing for that piece of paper telling you that you can’t leave and you have to go through this hell. Yeah, be thankful.
Why did you make it any more being married than if you where just living together?
I think you can live together pre-marriage and have a high level of commitment and working towards a future without just seeing ur partner as a “placeholder for something better” while also taking the time to see if you’re compatible over longer periods of time. But you need great openness and communication for this. His view is too prescriptive. There’s not only one right way to do things..
He didn’t say “All couples that lived together prior to marriage” he’s looking at the statistics and making sense of the equation. You’re entitled to believe that, that is your right. However, he isn’t stating that living together prior to marriage is a sure fire way to end in divorce
Much agreed
I agree with Josara. He's saying that more couples eho live together before they get married will end in divorce but he didn't say ALL of them do. Also I think the title of this video is misleading. Whoever the person is who reposted Jordan's video didn't even do a accurate statistic. He just made up the whole 80% thing but that wasn't Jordan who said that.
Yeah true he just shared a stat and didn’t say all couples who live together pre marriage will end in divorce, but the way he elaborates afterward really emphasizes that he finds one option to be far superior than the other
Sometimes a refusal to marry is based in lack of trust and past trauma. It's not a matter of I'm hedging my bets until someone better shows up. It's a matter of complicated fear.
It sounded like "choose your poison" 😂😂
Cause it's exactly that unless you wanna live your life in solitude.
@@susanstefan4614 🤔🤔 maybe solitude is a peaceful life 🚬🧐
@@susanstefan4614 and if you've got good friends that you can go on adventures with and accompany you as well from time to time? And a loving family?
I think that's all I need.
@@senormarston it is but only a small percentage of people like solitude.
I have to say, i disagree on this one.
Sure, so long as you aren't bound, either one could leave.
Not telling each other the truth will kill any relationship, bound or not.
And i'd argue it's worth testing the waters with one another before deciding to bind two fools...
Good comment 👍
Love IS foolish and life IS weird and difficult! And quite a lot of things can be left out at any given moment. Tick tock, there may often be much to say or do and timing...
Life can be painful, but dichotomies and paradoxes can flow all up into each other in much time and to make them hard is fickle. I don't DISagree on this one. You haven't learned what you haven't and there can still be many times and places for the acquisition of that kind of peace.
This is probably true statistically, but there are not-yet-married couples who truly love and are committed to each other. I think marriage is good and right thing to do when you truly love, even if some people think it's old fashioned. But I think love is the key to it all, not marriage.
Love is a key part but marriage results from your love. If you love someone enough you choose to get married, not so that you love them more it’s so you can’t run away when you go through a period of unlove. True love is a choice, a choice to love despite their flaws, a choice to stay despite your feelings. Thats what marriage does. If your truely love someone you’ll marry them so that even when you don’t feel love for them your still committed to them. Thats love
I like the idea of a metaphorical marriage where the government doesn't get involved but there are consequences if there's a split in the same way that there are consequences of a divorce
@@hudsonbirch6693 Well put!
@@hudsonbirch6693 I’d say being in a committed relationship is a choice. It really doesn’t matter it you are married or not.
Key of long marriage usually dependence. If the wife can't live without her husband finance, divorce wont be considered. Societal judgement to widow can help too.
People who live together usually both working and rent two place. Moving together mean less rent.
Marriage rightaway is for those who live with their parents.
Just your voice Dr. Peterson calms me and gives me peace 🤍💙
You are the best father anyone can dream of ..
You have taught me way more than my own parents have
ربنا يبارك لك ويجازيك كل خير
Well said.
I only wish I could find somebody for the rest of my life….
Seems like other things can explain the higher divorce rate too, like being less traditional. Living with someone prior to marriage seems like "I love you, but lets make sure we can tolerate living with eachother before we make it more difficult to go our seperate ways." A higher rate of divorce would seem better than a higher rate of being in a loveless marriage, because you are stuck with them because you feel you need them, rather than sinply wanting to be with them. Leaving the door open incase they want to leave seems more sensible than making so damn difficult for them to leave that they feel they need to stay. Even if it trippled their risk of leaving. I'd rather someone want to stay so we could work on the relationship together. Then again, maybe having less options makes someone more likely to work on their marriage. 🤷♂️
The hidden point here is that "having the option" makes them being less honest. Having an option itself is the problem, not the option
@@pablodm9 you still have an option to divorce?
@@HurtCrayon yeah, would you rather trust someone that will be with you whatever it takes or someone that might leave when something better is offered? (This is not 100% of the point but hopefully it will work)
@@pablodm9 Why would you want to marry someone who needs the threat of financial ruin to stay with you?
@@HurtCrayon It's an option, but you end up adding so many things you need to jump through and throw in the factor of financial ruin. If you need all that for someone to stay, why would you want to marry them? I'm not against marriage as a concept, but I think the reason to do it simply should be because you love the person and want a marriage. Not to make things harder if they actually want to leave some day. No wonder there is the metaphor of it being a ball and chain.
Well I lived with my wife for one year . And I married her . 26 years later we are still married. Is it work heaven yeah ! You can divorce anyone for any reason these day's. But I love my wife dearly yeah we fight at times and we have hurt each other as well . But what did we expect we are two unperfect people in a unperfect world with unperfect children even to the unperfect pet and praying to a perfect God and I thank him daily at least I have something perfect in my life ! Thank you Jesus for everything 🙌 🙏 ❤️
I think he is really referring to longer term cohabitation. I have a relative who has lived with their partner for 10 years and never got married or had kids. I suspect, in that case, JP is quite correct.
He's referring to statistics. Not everyone who drinks and drives crashes on their way home, but it's still advisable to NOT drink and drive if you want to avoid crashing.
Sounds like you are Christians that put God first.😊👍🏼 There’s probably no way to look up that stat but I guarantee you that a way bigger percentage of those marriages last
@@chiefsfan1381 good christians wouldn't live together before marriage
@@mcchickenmuhchicken true that. It just seems like there’s hardly any people around anymore that actually wait till marriage 🤦🏽♂️
Preach, Jordan, preach!
Thanks again Internet dad. You are truly astounding and the world needs more men like you.
And I know people who "can't escape" being married for life and death . Because they are miserable together, Co dependent, and using each other for material things. And the truth is obvious even if not verbally spoken don't forget communication is in different forms ....
Unless you're in captivity you can escape realistically literally, someone's not physically , psychologically, emotionally , or financially. So how about those apples?
Those people clearly are missing what marriage is about. If God is in the center, you’re marriage is unstoppable, unbreakable, a blessing.
It’s not black or white, there are always exceptions and extraneous circumstances like abuse that are obviously sound moral grounds for divorce
Nobody said it was easy.
Marriage isn’t easy.
This is why commitment is exercised before marriage.
you think its commitment? to be in a long term relationship, and never marry
That doesn't make any sense, marriage is the definition of commitment. Anything before marriage is just horsing around.
@@Jy-xq2ew more commitment than the people who marry four times and divorce four times, or who marry and cheat constantly
@@romanterry7215 marriage is a joke.. Well the people getting married and divorced multiple times are a joke... I think its time people on the other end take responsibility for getting involved with chronic cheaters or abusers...
I still don’t understand why people need a piece of paper to feel “committed.” I’m sorry you can’t commit without it. Commitment comes from the heart, not the government saying you can’t leave this person without their permission.
Some people might get offended by this perspective, the one where you’re a place holder until something better shows up. I think it’s equally possible that you’re more honest knowing that you and the other can leave anytime. My point, lying in marriage or being single it’s just about how much integrity we have with ourselves.
And by this do you mean that a couple that have great honesty/ transparency can live together without marriage successfully?
I feel this on a personal level. Peterson is gold. I love this man
See me and my husband aren't legally married but at no point do either of us feel like we can just leave... Nor would I...even in the hardest circumstances. However I do feel like the women and men these days don't have the same marital values they once did where we have a very traditional lifestyle along with traditional views. Which makes all the difference. I do think the fact we both came from broken homes is what makes us strive much more to do whatever it takes to make the family happy and functional.
I understand what you’re saying, I was living with a bf for years before getting married and the truth is, if you’re not legally married, you’re still just a bf and gf and aren’t husband and wife.
If something happened to one of you, there will be issues concerning finances, hospital visits, inheritance, kids etc. I know there’s something holding you back bc of your family of origin, believe me I know that you’re leaving an opening for your security. Maybe just you or the both of you idk. But when you do in fact decide to finally take the plunge and to invest all in that one person, your perspective really changes. It may seem hard but it really is worth it and I wish you both the best.
We have paperwork for those problems... That's easily taken care of without a marriage license.
I can tell you and your boyfriend really love each other! And I don't think anyone is saying you don't.
However to paint living together as the same as marriage isn't correct. Marriage plain and simple is more commitment, that's why it'll always be easier to leave a relationship without marriage than it will to leave one with marriage. And I think when you chose to tie yourself that closely to someone....there's power in that choice. Which is why I think that it's harder on people when a marriage ends compared to a long-term living situation. Obviously you can have people who have been married 5 different times and don't seem to understand what commitment means but I think that reflects more on the people and not so much the commitment itself.
So, again, no one is saying you don't love your boyfriend. But I'd say that we're also not saying that long-term relationships are the same as marriage, because they're just not 🤷♀️.
So basically this is true because in a marriage when you find out they’re trifling or bad with money or bad with kids etc. you have to deal with it and not be happy? But if you live with them before marriage you’re gonna be more likely to leave them for things you already knew about before you married them? It doesn’t make sense.
Nope, what he's saying is, people are less likely to commit to someone who doesn't commit to them. When you make someone an option, they also are forced to make you an option (for survival's sake). This isn't ideal with regard to long-term relationships, hence the interesting statistics.
@@yblackie 💯
Wow wow wow….
You gave words to a phenomenon that I have been struggling to describe for years
Describing monkey-branching to a T? Yes.
I would say people are doing it in professional area, and it is fair enough, but doing so in the private part of one's life like one would do to the professional part will only make people unhappy. Proof is in the cake, with all time high rates of divorces and how much mental meds are consumed nowadays
He's wrong though. The type of people who wait to move in together are also the same people that are willomg to stay in horrible situations for dumb religious or cultural reasons... Peterson is not a very smart man
Well nothing is black and white. You make a value judgment.
Idk. I’d rather know first that I can handle living with her without both of us or one of us going crazy.
That’s what a two weeks getaway should be about in your relationships.
Yes! Take her camping and hiking so you can see how she behaves when she’s a bit uncomfortable and tired but surrounded in beauty. You can tell a lot about someone’s personality that way!! And how you respond to each other.
@@AmandaIsAwesome a couple days camping won't tell you if they're going to make you do the majority house hold care, or if you get crated up together will they start snapping at you because they value space. I understand from a moral aspect why people think it's a bad idea why make the commitment if you get the benefits without it, but at the same time it's easier to tell if that person is truly who they present themselves as. It's hard to hold a mask when you live with the person.
@@lurkinlikeaboss This would matter if the divorce rate in general wasn't roughly 60% in the US. If cohabitation looks better it's only because marriage overall is in decline.
100%. JP is very old school traditional... if you don't know what someone is like living together (just like if you don't know what sex is like between the two of you), you're only setting yourself up for disappointment should that day come and it doesn't turn out the way you expected/hoped (which I'd venture is most likely).
The most true thing ever!
There needs to be a fine line when commitment should start.
My wife and I both come from broken homes with abusive fathers. We decided after a couple of years of dating to live together to see if we would work as a couple. After 5 years, we decided to get married and we have now been married close to 30 years. I think each case is different and there is not one way of couples committing to each other for life.
The moment my parents split up was when my life began, because my father was for me a tyrann at home... Assuming it normal I dated the same toxic men like my father was one and I always thaught that I just had to work hard enought on me, on the relationship... my last relationship nearly killed me. My last partner and I split up, so he tried to punsh me to death. He wanted me to be gone and silent after he realised that I could be happy without him. I know because he was so nice to tell me afterwards...
So yes we should work on realtionships, but if you realize, that you are the only one working, please go! Better faster then too late. And to all the people staying in a toxic relationship for theire children: please show them how to leave a toxic relationship, because if you dont they will probably assume this a healthy and normal relationship! A healthy relationship is about being a team, respecting eachother, listening to eachother, talking about ones thoughts, feelings and needs...
Only a healthy relationship... without the constant fear of being not good enough, being left alone, having all the responsability... is worth fighting for!
To live with someone is different than dating or being in a relationship that’s why I live together first I want to know we’re Compatible one of the few times I find myself disagreeing with jp
Thats ok you can justify it however you want, you dont understand human reasoning or how statistical data works
That's fine but what he's saying is absolute truth. I alot of people that did this and then boom divorced
What do you mean by "compatible"?
Just about every married man I know is a slave to a toxic woman. No thank you . Can’t leave because his life as he knows it would be ruined. I’m not playing a fools game .
Real Talk.
You can always leave. Anyone can do that regardless of marriage status. The boundary is made up. It isn’t real, at all. You can walk right out, and the whole system be damned.
Never kid yourself to believe that your so precious, so special, that the words spoken by anyone really matter if they decide they’re done.
Love is conditional.
First time I disagree omg I'm shocked. Speaking from personal experience 13 years never married we have honesty love and we vow never to say I give up. We love each other immensely.
What a cool bubble must you have
I think there's nothing to disagree with. He never said it doesn't work at all, rather it's more likely not to than less likely.
He didn’t say 100% of the time
Why never married though after 13 years? Is it an aversion to religiosity? Or just don’t want the hassle?
Just generally curious. It seems like something that would have been talked about right? Ha
until one day...u dont
I actually lived with my husband before we got married because my mother always drilled it into my head that it was insane not to. She said anyone can be charming on dates and that you only really know someone when you live with them. So I insisted with my husband who’s very religious and felt uncomfortable living together before marriage. But he agreed. We always knew we were getting married though and we’re just trying appease my controlling mother. Turns out she was hoping I’d live with him, see who he really was, and move on. Instead I married him and had a family. Been together for a long time and we’re very happy together. There was never any intention to leave and living together was a trial. It was just a stepping stone.
My husband and I lived together before we got married. For us this was the next step before engagement and marriage. It was making sure we were able to live together and have our relationship continue to develop and grow! We have been happily married for over 32 years now! I think we made good choices for us.
😢 why did this make me cry? I think I've felt that insult from someone I held dear to my heart. 😢
Spot on! You have nailed it Jordan Peterson.
That’s a very (narcissistic way )..of thinking that’s exactly how my ex, com- husband thought of me ?he went up to the point of actually kicking me out of the house on my birthday into the street of L.A., and he showed his mistress gave his mistress my birthday watch to her because you rather have her than me even though I gave him two beautiful babies.
This makes me think about Good Will Hunting (specifically the therapy session).
Living together for long periods of time is essential to know each other. Of course you want a way out, you still don't know who the other person is
Agree and I bet if we look at the people that got divorce then the people who didn’t live together at least a year outnumber the people that did
@@joimumu take religious pressured out of it and yes I'd agree
thankyou Dr. Petersen.
The way I see it, I think it’s good to live with someone before you marry them, because you do see the reality of them and the rest of the life you would have together, and that gives you the best knowledge and experience to make the best choice for your health and happiness. It’s actually very hard to walk away from a relationship when you live together, because you have to separate your entire life and start over. But when you go through that, at least it’s a little less complicated and painful than divorce.
I agree. I am living with my bf for two years now, and it has changed our relationship so much and put many challenges at our feet. I am glad we did go through this process before marriage. I also agree about the commitement. We are completely commited and plan to marry eventually! Breaking up now would be almost as complicated as for a married couple, with shared expenses and furniture and friends and hobbies, it just hasn't got the beaurocracy problem.
I agree with you this is my post to the good doctor:
I have to disagree with him on this it’s a first: Marriage is a court process it’s not a relationship builder
The only way to get Unmarried is to go to court, beg the court, pay the fines and attorneys involved, get humiliated and demoralized just to get unmarried, it could take years.
Nothing wrong with people in love, living together, have their own agreements and trying to make a life and family together, outside of the greedy court-corporation that makes money off people at their most sad times, during a breakup.
Its about building healthy relationships in your own way, not about getting married into the court system, which really means giving up your control to the court of your finances and possibly career, family, lifestyle, just to keep the court-corporation cash-flowing trying to get Unmarried.
Once you are in the court system you lose control, court takes over. The court controls you and the costs and time it takes to get unmarried are limitless, the court will bankrupt you without conscience.
Regarding living together first, it is a must because you don’t really know someone until you live together and then you don’t really know them until you’re committed to eachother, so it’s necessary before marriage to get to know each other on a deeper level than dating, and live together to make sure you will be compatible in more situations together before tying the commitment knot.
Marrying blind is old thinking, its ok to be together, live together, it’s smarter to make sure your going to get along first.
I'd rather test it out then commit myself to the wrong guy for life. I tried marrying first ended up in a divorce
Tried living in first to "try" it out and I'm still happily married to him.
People who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced, because they are more likely to get married despite not being compatible because it's hard to find another appartment and move.
Are you implying people get married because they can't get a different roommate?!
What if 2 people genuinely don't want to get married and are happy with the way things are... also being married doesn't stop someone from running off with the next thing that bumps into them. Happens all the time.
Actually, I would have run off at least 2 or 3 times these past 12 years if I hadn’t been married. Maybe your obstacles weren’t large enough. But I overcame and grew more by working through it.
@@badgerlife9541 I believe if someone has to "force" themselves or at least make it very difficult for them to leave a relationship, then it just isn't for them. I would never want to "make it very difficult" for someone to walk away from me. I want someone to stay because they really want to stay 100% and go if they reallywant to go 100%. Marriage is a good idea if you have children and if you need financial security. Other than that, it doesn't serve much of a purpose. I'm glad it worked for you though.
@@AB-zq4fw It's kind of like this: all humans will take the past of least resistance if they have no accountability to try harder. That is why marriage is valuable. It has nothing to do with financial security or staying together for the kids. It's about self-improvement and about fixing things and building something that lasts instead of giving up.
Then you have no idea what true love is
The real love inspires you to get married, all the religious texts and the concept of marriage and movies suddenly make sense
There's none of this "but I'm happy in the moment" "were fine just with eachother's company, why do we need a piece of 'paper' to validate it?"
No those are immature relationships
Do you not hear yourself? If you GENUINELY don't want to get married it means you GENUINELY don't want to commit to eachother lmao
Until you've tasted real love you will never understand what the concept of marriage is all about
@@cm-yu6gu Marriage isn't the only form of commitment to someone and I know its hard to wrap your mind around it - but everyone isn't a Christian. Marriage wasn't designed for love, it was originally designed for security and arranged by the individuals family's. That why you have to sign a contract and thats what makes it ideal for having children and protecting money. It wasn't until the 1800s that marriage was romanticized and if you want to know the truth, look to its origins. After you've educated yourself you'll find that you're just a conservative who as no real understanding of what you believe. Try not to apply a meaning to something that wasn't designed for it.
This is so accurate.
So true, the only time it succeeds after such a bad start is when both of them don't get anything better or when both of them are the kindest people equally (which is the rarest thing possible).
My husband beat me infront of our baby most of the time some days he was nice to me other times he would be so mean n beat me, got with him when he had no money no home , helped him recover from drug abuse and got beaten and abused for years while I stayed loyal. I've just left my home behind and not returned for any of my belongings, I was homeless staying with family for a couple months but just got my own house which i rent so a beginning of a new chapter of healing and learning to value myself n have boundaries. I left for my sons sake and my own sake too. Wete getting there and have no room in our lives for negativity, positive vibes only, positive thoughts.
Dearest Nicole! So very proud of you! Watched my mother & sisters get beat by my father when he drank! Please do not go back to him. You & your precious son are more important. Make sure you heal yourself. Stay strong, healthy, positive & beautiful. Much love ❤️🩹
I’m pretty sure moving in together and making joint purchases is still a commitment even if you’re not married. You can get out of marriage too it’s not set in stone, some marriages are easier to get out of than living situations.
It's not the same commitment though
This is just mental gymnastics
People who compare signing a lease to getting married just don't get it
There's a reason people are so squeamish about marriage and it's that somewhere to our core we understand that marriage is a deep and symbolic commitment that the MAJORITY of modern couples are not suited for
The vast majority of people are with the wrong people
People have roommates these days, boyfriend/girlfriend experience but not an actual commitment
It's playing pretend, and entertaining immaturity
A 20 something recently told me she got married so she could be on her husband's medical insurance. She said," Yeah, well we were forced to get married cause we don't have free medical in this country unlike Norway. We figured of it doesn't work out we can always get divorced." I asked her why she didn't just move to Norway. She said her husband didn't want to. Then she said," I'll stay with him long enough to earn spousal support, maybe have a kid, then leave him and take half of everything." Sad.
No country has FREE health care, you pay for it every single day. That’s the most libtard comment today
☹
Thats why don't Marry ever, it's a scam
Wth 🥺
@@rocky3850 False, not all marriages are like this.
Wise words
I did that for a year. Got a place with her and her 2 kids. The amount of bullshit I put up with drove me close to insane. Was in a car crash and ended up having to rely on her to get to and from our job (we worked together) when she started showing red flags I had nowhere to go. Thank God mom and dad where able to pick me up so I could go back to my hometown and start my life from scratch. Learn from my mistakes. DONT DO IT
The real problem is not communicating with your partner about your relationship expectations.
Do not agree , the real problem is women. Men wants family and peace but most women are selfish and don’t want to be part of a simple problem. Mostly when a men is at his lowest most likely the women will want to leave or divorce. Western women don’t want to help solve the problem but being part of the result.😢
That's true. I still can correct that, thankfully. I've been exactly thinking like Peterson said here, but I've actually lost interest into carrying on this relationship as I've realized I'm unable to get that special better.
What should I do ?
@@S.M.Jean-Mahmoud_Ier”special better” ohhh man
Not true. Living with my ex made me realize she was faking being happy when we saw each other for a couple hours every week. Living together made it impossible for her to fake it 24/7. Very happy I didnt marry her first
She wouldn't have married you
I lived with my husband for 5 years before marriage. Together 31 years and married 26. Doesn’t it depend on the individual, not grouping everyone together. I believe it takes 2-3 years to get to know someone well
❤ God bless you for being on the truth
Other clinical psychologists also found this and spoken out about it. It's to be very thorough in your thoughts and action determination to actually speak your thoughts. The attitude of "try before you buy" fails when you live with someone before you marry them- this is what he's talking about
It has nothing to do with the marriage, but the commitment you make to each other.
The marriage is just a symbol of that commitment.
You don't need it, you only need the other person to agree with the commitment.
That sounds like a marriage. It's like you're saying, "you don't need a helmet, just some kind of injury protection for your head." Yeah we call that a _helmet._
How can I like this one million times? Perfectly stated!
When wisdom speaks knowledge listens!! When JP speaks Wisdom listens 💯💯
This is exactly like the situation I’m in. For the past six months I was seeing a girl I fell head over heels for. She said she felt the same way, but was still hesitant to commit. I went along with it thinking “oh it’s a big choice, take your time.” She told me I’m allowed to hook up with other people, which showed that’s exactly what she wanted, not me. Even then, I told her we can keep things casual because I don’t want to lose her entirely. She broke it off two weeks ago, saying she started seeing someone else and that it wasn’t fair to me. The first few days were excruciatingly painful, but now I’m finally starting to see the bigger picture. If she really did want me, she would’ve stayed. Simple as that. Good luck to all of you out there struggling with similar issues.
Thank you for saying that! 👍😎
The number one reason why relationships don't work is because you didn't put two happy people together. If you were horrible by yourself, you'll probabpy be horrible in a relationship. But two people who were happy before their relationship on their one, they are likely to succeed when they get together.
Lived with my girlfriend for 10 years now. To us, we are same as married, we bought a house, planning to have our kid soon, we are just not married cause it's the same as not being, to our eyes. If we marry one day, we would do it just to get the families together in a party, not because we care about the "meaning" of being married. And to do so, is very expensive, so we decided to refurbish the whole house with that money and enjoy our comfortable home ☺️☺️
you don't need money to get married. just go to the goddam courthouse, sign a few papers and you're married. You're just making excuses. And its because people fear deep commitment in case anything goes wrong but they don't want to acknowledge this reality of how feel. If you truly deeply wanted someone to the fullest extent, you would want to marry them. When I was in love, I couldn't wait to get married. Waiting 5 yrs felt like an eternity
It was my "rule" or suggestion for my four daughters, that they Should live together for one year before getting married.
They are all happily married.
Living with another person is a make or break moment.
I lived with their Dad in college, then got married the week after graduation. God we were young...... but he is still the best man I know.
So insightful, as almost always
Truth be told that's the harsh reality of human relationships
Idk, you can only hide your true self for so long. I think people should live together before they make the plunge so they can see who the other person actually is
And what does it change when you know who the other person actually is?
There's other ways to test that instead of just moving in with your SO ..
@@dagneyraye6808 what ways are they?
You can't 'test out' your partner to see what kind of parent they will be without commiting to bringing children into the world with them, so you can't ever fully 'test' them without guaranteeing you're placing your children into a split-family situation if you don't like your partner's parenting and decide to check out. Living together 'favors' individual adults and disfavors children.
Shackle me dear:) LOL! Next month, Sept. 2nd. Me and my wife (my lady) will celebrate our 21st. year of marriage, not as long as many, but way longer than most...
Ehh, I suspect it’s more like “we live together because rent is expensive not because we have decided to build a whole life together”
how does that makes it less sad?
Bro he is talking about significant others not roommates.
Then get a flatmate!
Really too. There’s young people that tired of living with their parents or roommates go and live with the partener, not bc of love to build a new life, just bc of survival or whatever. Very sad. Like in all days our grandmas got married to go to the cinema and 😂
@@mohamedmohaballah6029 the Quran describes that Jesus was sinless, right?
“Then Moses said to God, “Indeed, when I come to the children of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they say to me, ‘What is His name?’ what shall I say to them?” And God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And He said, “Thus you shall say to the children of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’ ””
Exodus 3:13-14 NKJV
“Jesus said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I AM.””
John 8:58 NKJV
The Quran even confirms that Jesus was sinless, which means, he never sinned. *The Quran proves that what Jesus said here is true!*
My husband and I moved in together before we were married legally because we knew we could accomplish more working together and sharing our resources then what we could accomplish living separately. We lived together for 5 years before we achieved enough stability to get married debt free. We are happily married, we now own our home and our vehicles and are working on our next things together. We are 100% committed to each other and we were from day 1. I love you Jordan, but sometimes living together does work out.
Very eye opening as usual.