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@@leolion3156Which suggests that the mother is safer to talk to which means she is more accepting of the child. And, because she is more accepting and safer to talk to, she should be the main target for hostility. Makes sense. The human nature. Hit those who are less likely to push back.
Even when their abusive “dad” abandoned me with two babies in diapers, both adult children still disparage me, and apologize for him. Inconceivable. I did my best to raise them, supporting them by myself - warm, safe, loving home, good schools, wonderful extended family, then a supportive step-dad who was totally present for them, and they still blamed me for all their bad choices and abusive behaviors. We have finally found peace, by distancing them from our life. (Their biological “father” was diagnosed bi-polar manic depressive while they were teens. Turns out, they present bi-polar behaviors, too.) There is peace to be found, at a great cost. It is still PEACE.
Many times the dad is their “enemy” my 28 yo son picks on his dad since he changed his strict ways back when my son was 14. Whenever he has a problem he bashes him on Facebook & my husband doesn’t engage. He even tried to alienate us from r 2 grandkids, but their mom allows us to maintain r relationship w/them, so theirs nothing he can do about it. My hubby apologized & offered counseling more than once. My son says he forgives him & doesn’t need counseling then bam 💥 6mos later he has an issue yet again. 🤷🏾♀️
Sorry but they do come at the Dad’s as well. My daughter’s problem with insecurity is my fault because I didn’t tell her how pretty she was enough, while my son’ lack of motivation at work and inability to progress is because, according to him, I never pushed him hard enough, or ‘disciplined’ he and his siblings enough. I swear, every single character flaw or poor life outcome is ascribed to something I or their Mother did, or didn’t do, or didn’t do enough, or because we failed to see what was going on in their head or at school, even if they actively hid things from us, like binge drinking or drug use. Meanwhile we’re still having to help them out financially due to the current financial crisis. It’s a nightmare
What’s painful is when you as a mother think that in spite of all your hardships as a single parent, that you did a decent job only for them to say that in fact you were a horrible parent and shouldn’t have been one. To say that is deflating is an understatement.
My 17 yro daughter started dating a 21 year old guy and he poisoned her against me… it is heartbreaking! She graduated high school at 15, straight As and first year of college 9 As and 2Bs and everyone loves her… but all of a sudden her life is ‘horrible’ and it is my fault. - I totally feel your pain. I was a completely single mom… just the two of us 🥺
My son is 33 and has a son of his own and I'm a grandmotsir but he is telling me. I have no right to tell him how to parent and to mind my own business. But we're going to be living together. I don't know what to do any ideas. How to respond to this?I'm a bad mom.I wasn't there when he was small whiches true but he can't be throwing it in my face all the time
I loved being a mom to one daughter and thought we had a really good relationship and when she became an adult (19) she told me everything single thing I did wrong in her life .... Hurts so much to hear this .
Y’all just confirmed everything I suspected tbh. You don’t care how you made your children feel powerless and/or unable to come to you to talk about anything. It is absolutely no wonder that the moment your children get independent from you they are free to say everything they have been scared to say for years. And now instead of trying to relate and heal the relationship, you’re on youtube making yourselves feel like a victim and blaming your child entirely for the relationship going sour. Stop listening to this stupid lady and go see a family therapist.
@@CoSu1006 you sound like one of the horrible parents, if you’re getting brought into the world, it wasn’t your choice and you deserved to be cared for. Sometimes i wish i was an orphan, maybe i wouldn’t be as messed up with a family who actually felt ready to have a child. One day your child will grow up and never speak to you again
Yes doesn't have to align with their parents values .I love my daughter even though we are different. But to just not speak to you when you were a loving and supportive parent doesn't seem right .If she can look herself in the mirror doing that I guess it's her choice but she knows I tried very hard and did prioritize my kids .She has said it herself .
@@lindasharp8523 Yes, you're right. As an adult, I recognized that I was dealt with shitty parents. They have inflicted pain and all sorts of troubles that I as an adult have to work through.... and I am working through it and the costs are high. The price for that accountability is that these people will NEVER hear from me again. I never want to hear from or see them again. Thats the price bad parents pay and it is justified.
I was beaten as a child. Verbally abused, and also neglected. Growing up I thought this was the norm and every kid experienced this. Brainwashed? Daily. Stockholm syndrome? Been there, got the T shirt. Parents are long dead and I do not miss them. Yes, I’m still in therapy, and doing well, although I have a bad day now and again with memories. Here’s one thing to ponder though: if the life I endured instilled in me an intrinsic motivation to succeed in life, what would have become of me if my parents loved me, and treated me with human kindness?
True "Success" is not what people think it is - success is not about having a good career, good home, loving family - success can include all of those things, but they aren't what makes a life successful. Success comes from living consciously, not reactively ( 99% of people in the U.S. live reactively and in their minds & emotions, not consciously in reality), which makes everything else fall into place. And since abuse is the main cause of mental disorders and mental problems, when a person comes from an abusive or dysfunctional home in childhood, and they are never taught how to live consciously (abusive parents would not be able to teach this, and most people are not taught that anyways, especially in western culture), they are not mentally healthy and have a ton of work to do, so unless they learn it as adults, they might have small or big "successes", but those things come and go, living consciously and not reactively, and being someone who is able to exude joy no matter what environment they're in, is the only way to truly be successful in life. The first thing a person has to do is to know what their existence is for, that they are one part of a whole that has the intelligence to control what type of person they are. (Children do not have this type of control, as their brains absorb everything they see and hear up until the ages of about 7 to 11, for good reasons, so they learn, but there's no barriers to what is being "downloaded" into their brains, good or bad, so kids are not able to live consciously, they live more than 90% of the time subconsciously for learning reasons. That is why kids from dysfunctional families believe negative things about themselves that they've heard, even as adults, until they learn how to live consciously and not emotionally).
only golden children are allowed to succeed the others get abused into suicide while golden kids run with all the resources often co abusing the sibling while getting out. bc the golden kids is always the mini narc
But we have to acknowledge our mistakes do affect our kids. And our parents mistakes impacted us. As long as we empathize with our kids and validate their feelings. Not empathize with ourselves smh. Unless they are abusive or something. We have to own up to our mistakes. We are the parent and they are their child
A breath of fresh air comment! I agree with you 100% (as a daughter, and a Mum to teenagers). And the 'Holistic Psychologist' speaks out about this too. I'm sure there are genuine cases of parents distressed or outright traumatised at their adult children's hands, but there will be many, many more the other way round. There are also generational differences, with older generations generally finding it harder to dig-deep and 'do the work' than younger generations. No parent is perfect, and it's therefore so important, as a starting point. to listen deeply to our children - whatever their age - with humility, and to validate and repair - through apology, where appropriate, and behavioural change. I keep seeing words like 'blame' in the comments under this video, which is a very dysfunctional and disempowering headspace from which to be living.
It is not the obligation of a parent to "validate" the feelings of their ADULT children. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with showing ourselves empathy! Yes, we are the parents, but they are ADULTS and as such, they have to behave like adults, not spoiled, entitled children.
My parents have made a lot of mistakes, not because they "didn't know better" but because they made bad decisions despite the negative repercussions it had on me. As an adult, I can forgive, heal, and endeavor to start again with my parents, BUT if they don't at least acknowledge their mistakes and try to do something in the present to help me heal and build a better relationship with them, there is no way that I will have anything to do with them. We can forgive, but that doesn't mean they can continue to make the same mistakes and we're expected to simply deal with it. Nope.
I'm sorry to hear about your pain. :( It's difficult to go through, especially alone. If you want to set up a call, you can check out my scheduling link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! www.sally-harris.com/work-with-me
stop victimizing yourself and get help. being a parent is a responsibility and it seems a lot of you fall into the self-pity trap that keeps your children a MILLION miles away from you.
@@Samanthaasdfghjkl Hi. I’ve read some of your comments, & I’m sincerely asking for your input, because I respect this younger generation immensely. I feel it’s changing the world for the better. My generation certainly couldn’t do it, we were too whipped. Too scared. Too stuck.. I’m 57. My only child, an adult daughter, she’s almost 26. I raised her alone. Single parent. Didn’t date. I made so many mistakes!! Her issues w/me are valid. I’ve listened, been accountable & validated her in every way that I know how to. I don’t expect her wounds to be healed instantly, but I had hoped for some progress by now.. I’ve been in therapy actively for almost 3 years now. The love was always shown to her. I showed it and said it daily. Often. Anyway, I also watch Dr. Ramani daily. I work on myself. I have so much i need to still fix about me, but I’m sure not where, who, or how..I was. When I say I adore my daughter, & always have, I mean that. I showed her much love, affection, & even though we were low income, she had the newest & best of everything I possibly could give her. Alas…I made mistakes. I made her my best friend. My “therapist” at the time even. (I know.😔 badddd idea!!) She was a “little adult,”just trying to help her mother…😣 It’s very sad. I feel terrible about the woman I was. I was on hospice when she was younger, & have pancreatic disease. She’s always been angry that I get pretty sick. I don’t mean too. It just happens. I fired hospice because she didn’t like them around, Plus…they had me on such strong meds I couldn’t stay awake & even converse. It. Was. Bad. Bad!! I’m still sick but hide it as much as possible from her. We don’t live together. I have been accountable. I’ve been validating. I show love. I truly empathize tremendously w/her, but she still punishes me for who I was back then. I think she must not feel heard? Idk, but I’d listen to her all day, every day just to fix the pain in that beautiful young woman’s heart. She is brilliant! (She did that. She chose to be so.) She is very hard on herself. She is very hard on me. She will get really close to me, then symbolically rip the rug right out from under my feet & say the most hurtful things to me, Such as- “She hates me. She loves me. She misses me, she doesn’t feel comfortable around me..” & so on. Her confusion & pain are palpable. Idk what to do. Idk HOW to fix this. I want only for her to know that I am sorry. Like-So sorry!! I wish I had known about boundaries & self care when I was raising her. But I didn’t sadly..regretfully too!! She saw me abused by an entire family of narcissistic people. I was “the enabler.” I protected her, but of course she was exposed to it too. I regret that so much!! I should have known better, but I didn’t. I believed their lies. I believed that if I could only do this or that right, they’d finally love me. Pretty pathetic, hey? It hurts thinking of it all, & I do daily. I have so much regret. So much Shame. I was the cheerleader in that toxic family system & I was always trying to make everyone happy. I was the one who tried to make peace. I want to help her heal. I want her to feel better inside. To feel loved & to trust me, because she can. She has now taken the problems in our relationship public. She sets me up to have an outing & invites her close friends and they listen to her destroy me. It’s very uncomfortable for everyone there. The last time it happened, I told her it was an inappropriate time to discuss that. She is very big on boundaries, but just not mine. She laughs in my face. I’ve never done that to her once. I couldn’t & I wouldn’t. I have made huge mistakes, & I own that. What, besides patience, love, understanding, & time can I do to help her heal? I want to help her. Idk how anymore. This is so painful. I wish I could take all her pain away, but it seems I can’t.. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you for your time. I appreciate it greatly. P.S. almost 2 years ago, I stopped enabling & moved away from the narcissists, sold my home of 17 years & no longer allow that in my life. They are no longer around. She knows this.
A couple of eeks ago, my adult daughter cursed me out, told me I'm a "sorry excuse for a mom" and a "fucking horrible grandmother", then she said "I'm blocking you (on FB) until you can reach out and be a good person". I did not deserve ANY of that. So today, Thanksgiving, she sends me a message saying "Thanksgiving blessings" Even though e're at odds you're still my mom". No apology, no accountability, nothing. I'm sorry but this time, you don't get to stroll back into my life by tossing me a "treat". That has happened many times. No more because she just goes back to her old habits every time. I told her I'm not going to stand for her disrespect anymore and I meant it! Abusers don't change, they just escalate.
- If you ever want to set up a call, you can check out my link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
Interestingly me and my husband are at different phases of dealing with exactly this issue in my family. I have already set my boundaries and he is in the phase of admitting sorry, sorry and sorry ! Our daughter is well settled forty year working lady with two handsome kids and a kind hearted husband ! We have concluded that we can not help her anymore. So I don’t even feel sad about all that! 😂😂😂We tried everything in our power to educate her, love her, support financially to educate her and her husband. Helped taking care of her family whenever we could. Beauty of the game is that she has conveniently forgotten her own mistakes and forgot our support of rectifying those mistakes to help her grow what she is today. But everything went down the drain, so be it!
This has just started showing up as an epidemic in our society. The family is being attacked and adults are refusing responsibility for their actions and blaming a parent. We did the best we knew at the time.
No, it’s just that people can now talk about and share experiences in groups online. This has been going on for all of history, but people didn’t talk about it.
@@weirdwilliam8500 yes, but we, the older generations called this LIFE and dealt with it. Now, the younger generations are like flowers losing petals with a breeze. I believe that the blood never turns into water, meaning the blood related should love each other and don’t judge each other.
@@Basilica19 Maybe the fact that you accepted being abused or neglected is why you ended up as an emotionally disfigured, abusive person yourself. Your children are under no obligation to accept that for themselves, and if you were actually a good parent, then you wouldn’t ask it of them. Your children have the opportunity to break this cycle and live safe, happy lives, and to pass that mindset on to their children. If you can’t celebrate that, because you’d rather never admit fault or change your behavior, then you’re just part of the problem they are solving by removing you from their lives. They “dealt with it” by cutting you off.
Some parents were highly abusive growing up and it still affects the adult children in present time. Some parents use the excuse that they did to their kids what was done to them. I honestly think if parents took accountability and said “I’m sorry,” that would be a great start on the path towards healing for the kids.
Thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it. It's difficult to speak to every single different circumstance that exists, and that's not what I'm trying to do. However, that runs the risk of alienating other people's different experiences. In these videos, I am speaking from my personal experience and discussing what to do when you admit to your mistakes, have done everything to be loving and compassionate, and your child still continues to reject your efforts.
I don’t believe it’s an excuse but a reality. Most adults that were abused by their parents do know how to act any other way. It’s very hard to get someone with that mentality to realize how their behavior is affecting their children because they really do not know any different. While it’s hard to find compassion for people like we must be empathetic. Criticism isn’t the answer. Hopefully, at some point in their lives, they will have the opportunity to change.
Feel free to think that but reality of maturation is this “The carrier of the resentment gets to deal with it”. That’s what adults do-they are reasonable & don’t pass value judgements like “good” “bad”. They get help with therapy to become less shame based in their own communication. They realise you can only change yourself, no one else. No one gets to define who another is.
@@sallyharriscoachwait you not saying anything on the abusive parent? Stop commenting ignoring all the pain these kids have gone through. You need support kids of abusive parents in removing these people as they are not changing or growing
What she is trying to stress, in the video, is that perception is reality. And people can have different perceptions of the same event. I believe she is trying to say to be accountable that your child got hurt by what you said (not that you meant it that way). She also emphasizes how they are often isn’t a “wrong“ or “right“ I think it’s about children communicating to their parents and vice versa their feelings. At least for me, as the daughter, my goal and talking to my mom about the ways that her actions hurt me is to actually try to connect on a deeper level with her. In general, I would expect mothers to WANT to know how they have hurt their children so as not to continue doing the same behaviors in the present. Given that my mother is not accountable to her actions, she keeps repeating the same hurtful actions to this day. I can tell you, I have honestly tried to have open honest conversations without judgment. At the same time, I wanted her to know the things I was hurt by so that she doesn’t keep doing them. I was able to move through the past, but the problem is she keeps doing the same things to hurt me over and over! So I’m not sure that it’s black and white I don’t think it’s black and white. I believe that sometimes when children say, their mothers hurt them all their lives that it’s actually true. And I believe there are children that say their moms have done things to hurt them all of their life that haven’t. I think the goal is simply COMMUNICATION. If both the mom and kids want to be loving toward one another then it would logically follow that they would want to know the things that they do that hurt one another (so as to avoid doing again and again) I think identifying one’s values is very helpful in this context.
Adult children need to STOP the BLAME GAME when it comes to their parents. These Adult children are in their 30’s, 40's, 50's etc…They haven’t been children for well OVER 10 years. It’s THEIR responsibility as ADULTS to go into Therapy and get Counseling and find Support Groups to heal THEMSELVES. Your parents have gone through some TRAUMAS of their own I’m sure. We’ve ALL been through some hard and rough times including PARENTS, but as ADULTS we are in the driver's seat now, so the BLAME GAME STOPS there. They complain about their parents so much, let's see them do BETTER. Also, stop staying with Narcissistic, emotional and mental abusive, lying, cheating and disrespectful husbands and men. They are TOXIC, but I don’t see these females trying to escape that or throwing them away like they do their Mothers. They need to take OWNERSHIP and RESPONSIBILITY for their OWN lives since they feel they’re so PERFECT.
I agree. I think it's hard in some situations because ur parent meddled in yr life and possibly helped bring toxicity into yr family , especially if you were a single parent they had a easier time digging in their claws ... but even in that case , get therapy and learn to have healthy boundaries with them , even after years of Destruction... cause we all are so imperfect , healthier to forgive , because we ain't all that either . It's a hard road sometimes. Either way . But God help us , we can get there . Prob not perfect , but all we need is good enough , anything else is neurotic . As you can tell I live the struggle . God help me as well. I ain't all that myself / haha. sorry don't care about the spelling and I like the word ain't (I guess)
Though ironically, your comment has a very strong blaming and aggressive tone itself. If you take a look at the very popular Holistic Psychologist's work (here on TH-cam, and on Twitter and Instagram), you'll find a different take to this. However, I do agree with you that it's everyone's responsibility - parent and adult child - to help themselves through to healing. It's important to consult with the right kind of professional though, for example, with a Chartered Clinical Psychologist.
From a daughter’s pov i just want to say that you as a mom had a big impact on our childhood and upbringing and you affecting US and not realising it does not mean that you didn’t affect us. You definitely did.
@@catalinawoody6954 victimology is also being perpetuated in our school systems. This has been true for a long time. The definition of child abuse has changed incredibly. If you say the wrong words to your kids it's considered child abuse to the point of Ridiculousness. The school system definitely promotes destruction of the family it absolutely does
So this generation was the only one too be hurt ? My mom and dad did things but I didn't take it out on them and it was 13 of us. I believe it's because y'all are just some soft people and everything is hateful.
Thank you for your comments! Yes, we're glad to have you in our TH-cam community! It's only my 1-on-1 coaching that I only work with moms, but I'm always happy if m y videos help moms and dads alike. I hope you continue finding my videos helpful, and I hope you find community and support from other dads here too. It's a struggle we all face, even if moms and dads handle things differently.
If a child is triggered by you then you should learn how to communicate more compassionately with them. I like the phrase that she offered, “I’m sorry that what I did effected you so greatly.” You may not agree or recognize the hurt that was caused as a result of your own struggles or behaviors that occurred while your child’s brain and social emotional or somatic system was forming. Do some research on child development and parenting styles etc. Being defensive will only cause your adult-child to develop more resentment which is not going to help them in the long run.
You are more mature than the video creator. Thank you your message healed me. Because of this nasty parents and elders. They don't even know what CEN mean. Just horrible.
So true. My mum always met any doubt, insecurity or nervousness with the cold shoulder, and once I understood that that's how she'd controlled me for decades, I became so incapable of containing my emotions around her. She has fucked me over but if she'd just stop gaslighting me we could rebuild something. It's awful to realise that your mother's most precious ''baby'' is her ego.
My son (who cut off communication with me a few days ago) would push my buttons/disrespect me until I react in a negative way, which then causes an argument…& then blame me by saying we always argue. I’ve been walking on eggshells around him for YEARS & it is exhausting. As sad as I am that our relationship has reached this point, I can’t be treated like this anymore. It is an emotionally abusive relationship with me being on the receiving end. When he cut me off, I apologized for things I said out of anger/frustration/hurt & just let him know I love him & wish him nothing but success & happiness. Now it’s time to focus on ME.
Sounds like you've gone through a lot; and also that you are ready for change! Reach out to me for a discovery call if you'd like to learn more about how I can help you! calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
My son has done the same thing. Argue and blame everyone for his failures. I keep him at arms length and only talk to him when necessary. I love him because he’s my son but I do not like him as a person. Were my husband and I perfect parents? Not by a long shot but we definitely didn’t deserve the disrespect and name calling. Life’s too short to allow anyone, including your child, to destroy your life.
Just reading your response, I can tell that you are a self centered parent who always wants everything to be about you. He "frustrates you" and presses your "buttons" because whatever the matter is, it's not about YOU and thats why you become frustrated. Your last sentence says it all "Now it’s time to focus on ME." - This is always what you wanted and your son knows that.
After years of filthy abuse from my 34 year old daughter, who said me she loved me one minute then called me most FILTHY names the next minute, I have stepped out of her life. She’s livid that I actually called the shot this time, not her, as she’s controlled me with guilt and I believed her. She has spat in my face several times. She’s had a good, stable upbringing, and she said the most beautiful words about her stepfather and me at her wedding. We were both in tears. We forgave her abuse so many times, but enough is enough. I now value myself as a good, kind person, and see her as unwell. I, unfortunately, don’t want to see her again.
They Won't Know, good for you. When others in your immediate family do not show you any respect, there is an option - the one that you have chosen - that is, to respect yourself. You simply move on....without them in your life. If they don't want to be around you and/or continually berate you, that is their choice. And so, you walk away and know peace in your life.
You are wrong. A lot of parents from the boomer and Gen x Era were abusive, dismissive and over bearing. Didn't want your children to be an individual. Narcissistic and only caring about image. I am a parent and I would never do what a lot of yall did to my kid. And have not done it to him. Shame that you're trying to make them feel better instead of holding their selves accountable.
So happy I am childfree. Never wanted kids. They annoy tf outta me. My mother was a covert narcissist who verbally and emotionally abused me for many years even as an adult. I recently went no contact and cutting her out of my life was the best decision I ever made. I still mourn her but I realized I mourn the person I should she was or could/should have been to me, not who she actually is. I got no friends or family in this country and I’m all alone. It’s painful as hell but as an INTJ and growing up learning to be independent even as a child, taught me to be self sufficient and not rely on anyone.
@@BeneGesseritSaya I’m not a narc. You don’t even know me. You think you can just judge others from some comment you read? How shallow of you. Says a lot about YOU. Your comment only shows exactly what YOU are. :)
@@BeneGesseritSaya what a trashy thing to say to someone pouring their heart out. You don’t know this person and you should be ashamed. I can just imagine what a lovely mother you are.
There are times we do what we do to protect our heart. Being lonely has to definitely be hard, I hear what you’re saying, but sometimes the alternatives are no better.
Your comment about adult children needing a target to blame for their own shortcomings sounds horribly tone deaf. My father and his wife (not my mother) abused me psychologically, emotionally, and physically, but when she and I had a conversation about it, she blamed me for my attitude and told me that I had hurt my father. Neither of them has ever acknowledged their roles in my mental health struggles, and I don’t need a target to blame for anything I’ve done wrong in my life. They are the two people who traumatized me so severely that I’m still working through it twenty years later. Parents, please listen to your children with an open mind instead of assuming that you know what they’re feeling.
I'm so angry and sick if the verbal abuse I feel so used and thrown away I know they just don't want to help me in my older age I told my daughter's I had a heart attack and they just rolled their eyes ! I can't imagine treating my parents or children this way I'm absolutely heartbroken and bullied by my own kids! Well I'm to the point I wish I never had kids at all I'm angry with myself I sacrficied my life and all my money to take care if them and now that I'm getting older they do t give a damn if I'm dead or alive ! If so wine told me this would happen I wouldn't have believed it just so aggravating listening to the crap and rewriting history to justify the abuse I've had enough I've gave them cars and clothes and trips and done without and worked two jobs to take care of them I did it without help or child support yet they talk to their father who never gave them a dime ! It really unbelievable I mean if someone told me this I wouldn't even believe it one if the girls was diagnosed BPD the other two won't get help about bedtime they wake me up to start in on me I'm praying but it's really getting to the point I want to just give up and walk away and leave the country and start all over
Thank you for your comment, Marie, and I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. :( If you want to set up a call, you can check out my scheduling link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! www.sally-harris.com/work-with-me
Same, minus the heart attack. You have to cut all ties with them and look for a new family and build a new life just for yourself. Enjoy the rest of your life as well as you can. Be free!
Who had who - you or your daughter? It seems there's a lot of parents whose refusal to take responsibility for your own actions, has come back to bite you in the ass. That sucks but thats not our problem.
“Parenting does not have a manual” is often used as a cover for poor parenting. Though some kids may deviate from the norm, enough studies show that how you bring up your child, their surrounding, you and your relations have the greatest influence of a child. A child whose parents does drug has a higher risk of doing drugs compared to those whose parents did not. Please underline higher risk. Society often thrusts us into parenthood when so many of us are poorly equipped. I know a mom who did everything for her children, the sacrifices she made were immense but boy wasn’t she abusive. I as a child saw them left naked outside for failing exams on cold nights, the beatings were inhumane. The boys turned out okay but the psychological damage was immense. So, “we all make mistakes” should not used by parents as their mistakes are often reverberated for generations. Yes, everyone should approach parenthood with a bit of apprehension, as it’s one of the most important things you can do.
While I agree with you that the phrase "parenting does not have a manual" can be misused, I disagree that it means all parents who made mistakes were abusive. There are so many parents who set their children up for success with no history of abuse, drug use, etc., and the children still choose that life. And since we're all human, mistakes come with that, on the parents' parts and on the children's parts; no one is exempt. Thank you for your comment, and I hope you found my video helpful, even in a small way.
Honestly, this video contains egregious advice. If an adult child has gone to the lengths of recognizing that a parent is to blame for their circumstances, then it's time for the parent to "be the adult" and start owning where and how they fucked up. No one is perfect, especially children, but parents always have a mindset of them being correct by default-which is important in maintaining stability as an authoritative figure in a developing child's life-but not so great when an adult child can think for themselves and recognizes the parent as a legitimate source of harm and damage. This is not about being calm, cordial, or any of that BS…this is about owning your mistakes and admitting without any doubt that you can be and were WRONG. If a child can recognize your negative parental behaviors, it's time to put away the pride, accept the shame, listen with empathy, and listen without interruption to the child's perspective.Here's a secret to life and relationships: People who accept their faults are ultra-respected. People who refuse to accept blame, get given it regardless. The ability to refuse blame is never actually in your control. (VERY IMPORTANT LIFE SKILL TO REMEMBER) So be the "bigger person" (whatever that means) and own your faults as a parent-OR-end up languishing away in a nursing home as narcissistic asshole, it's really your choice.
Iokvideos, thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it. In some situations, the adult children are abusive and dangerous to others and themselves. It's difficult to speak to every single different circumstance that exists, and that's not what I'm trying to do. However, that runs the risk of alienating other people's different experiences, and I apologize if I made you feel that way. In these videos, I am speaking from my personal experience and discussing what to do when parents have done everything to be loving, compassionate, and supportive, and their child still continues to reject that.
uh, I think anybody on this thread has tried that....it's 2 way street. I'm glad my son finally spoke up. He sure fooled me for many years & he blames me for that. Now I want to own it, I want to hear him & empathize & finally know what's in his heart & he blames me for making it all about me & being a victim by wanting to take up his time to do it. And he's not a victim & making it all about him?
Raising a child is not an exact science BUT that does not excuse the lack of ownership a parent has for the choices they made. A parent can’t fix the relationship with their kids if they don’t acknowledge what the kid is feeling. You would be surprised what an adult child will forgive or let go if if a parent actually hears what is being said. I really don’t like you whole premise you have put forward is that the kid is venting only because they have problems in their life and they need someone to blame. You clearly are not skilled enough to talk about such a complex issue and family dynamics.
Ok yeah. This is why I had to go back & listen to this. You said how you all always justify & defend. That’s the problem! Again, you not seeing or acknowledging how you cause this…….problem. That’s why you’re not getting anywhere. You’re victimizing the child again. When U (the parent) had the self-righteousness of it being how you wanted. And we were adolescent & couldn’t protect ourselves. That was your time THEN. But now that we are full fledge grown ITS NO LONGER ABOUT HOW, WHAT, WHY you did what u did. It’s was wrong! And now as adults, we can better respond to it! It’s our turn now to express our response to your actions. We don’t care about your explanation about why u did it. That’s irrelevant! Your part of the show is over! Just like you didn’t care about seeing things from our perspective when your superiority-complex took control as the parent. I’m not being mean or hateful at all towards u. I am on team victimized child. I hope my post helps u a little bit to UNDERSTAND that u gotta go back & assess what u did wrong. How you could have gone about things better. A big compass to help u do this is LISTENING to the frustrations of what the adult child is saying. Otherwise, you’ll never truly have peace about it. You’ll just exist in the shadow.
it's strange to say "We don’t care about your explanation about why u did it." After apologizing and seeing the pain from the adult child's POV, the parent should absolutely have the chance to explain their frame of mind or what went into the ill conceived decision. They still see it was a mistake, they are still genuinely sorry. But the adult child, like the parent, still needs to grow in understanding, tolerance and acceptance, or they aren't "growing" as a human being. When I told my parents what hurt me, they listened and explained their thinking - it helped me understand them as people, and allowed us to keep each other in each other's lives, as full adults. Sometimes our parents "flaws" are flawed adaptations for their own survival.
- If you want to change, but you aren’t sure where to start, schedule a quick call at the following link to see how I can help you! calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min. I’d love to talk with you about your experience and situation.
Generational evolution. Each generation has more skills and information than the previous generation. Whether or not they tap into that and evolve their behavior depends on the individual, so good on you 💌
I hear you. I am a single parent and my son is 17 and living with a male relative at the moment. But when he wants to talk I AM HERE TO LISTEN to him. My mother on the other hand, she threw herself up on the cross when I asked if I could give her feedback (around not calling me sensitive/paranoid). Also, once I asked her not to do something, twice, with witnesses, and she went ahead and did it anyway! She was so angry with me when I asked her why she had done that.
“The best way to rid yourself of the feeling of that is _” ??? Why are we trying to rid ourselves of the feeling of this? How about looking introspectively and deciding if we really were bad parents? Yeah, that’s uncomfortable. Turns out life isn’t comfortable. Narcissists love comfort though, so I get it
As the adult child in one of these situations, what would make a difference is a real apology that acknowledges what actually happened, what the impact on me and our family actually was (rather than denying/brushing it off), and commits (with follow-up behaviours that demonstrate real intent) to changing the patterns going forward. THAT would be worth being vulnerable again. Otherwise, it's a "bite me yet again, shame on me" analysis.
Thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it.
@@sallyharriscoachbut you are denying personal responsibility. You don't need to be making videos. You need to be doing the things to repair the damaged relationship with your child. The fact that you are making videos just shows you don't really get it and are not truly repentant or taking responsibility. You are being intellectually dishonest. You know nothing about these other people so why would you make these videos? Your relationship is broken why are you making these videos? If you'd taken responsibility as you say you have you would have a relationship and wouldn't be here making these videos.
May I ask a question? I have said that im sorry, however I dont understand what im sorry for. My daughter just said to stay away that im toxic. How do i deal with this? Its been 10 years now and i still don't understand why im toxic! Now she is having her first child and i get a letter from a lawyer telling me not to contact her in any way shape or form and i am not allowed to ask about her from friends or family. Im blown away.
Why do our children expect us to be perfect when they are not,no one is. Yes,Ive made some mistakes and Ive admitted those and have done many things to make amends and changed for the better. Everything Ive done or failed to do was done while wanting my children to have their best life and striving to always do that. Oh well,I made some mistakes. But,my children never went hungry or went without whatever they needed because of me. If one of my children wants to hang my mistakes over my head and punish me with emotional cruelty,so be it. Its better they just stay away and continue to keep my Grandchildren away if they feel that badly about me. You cant change the past and I never thought I was hurting my child,Im a good person and did my best. My advice...stay away and get some counseling.
As a daughter, it’s interesting to hear from the parents perspective and I like a lot of the ideas you share in this video. I understand your channel is dedicated to kids who are more disrespectful and have a bad spirit to them, but just to put it out there, it may be a good idea to seriously confront the question if the child’s complaints are just or not. I’m sure there are situations in which they are not, but in the name of communication and understanding, evaluating if the the child’s grievances are on some level “genuine” is important if there is a large level of misunderstanding. I say this because as a child who may have made her mother feel like a bad parent around the time I became an adult, i didn’t (don’t) have the tools to communicate with her how I’m unsatisfied with our relationship. Becoming an adult gave me the independency to reevaluate our relationship and the ability to freely state (even though the words are sometimes choppy) that sometimes I am also uncomfortable, and that I’m allowed to have boundaries as well. I think if the conflict arises around adulthood, I’d consider entertaining a certain level of compassion for the idea that your child only now feels like they’re able to express grievances with you. I’m sure for many this is not the case, but in my situation I’m not sure my mom would understand my complaints to be derived from genuine, lifelong experiences that i only now realize cause me distress. Hopefully if you are “the bigger person” and offer respect to them, your child will be able to see that you are willing to work with them and respect you in turn.
Thank you for your comment. The mothers I work with do take the time to be introspective and take responsibility for times they were wrong or have done harm. They are encouraged to listen and hear the perspective and experiences that their adult children have experienced.
I agree, I'm also here as a daughter, looking to see what advice is given to mothers and I feel that my mother would watch this and what she'd take from it would be that there are other perfect mothers out there like herself and she needs to have better boundaries around me. She's been giving me the silent treatment for years because I asked her to listen to some feedback. She went nuts. It wasn't even criticism of her. Just a request that she stop casually labelling me paranoid and sensitive. But she cannot take feedback. I realise now, when I was growing up, calling me sensitive disguised her lack of patience and empathy. And now that I'm an adult that sees the dysfunction, giving me the silent treatment and labelling me aggressive for trying to talk, well that disguises her complete inability to have a conversation where she miiiiiight have to acknowledge that the facts of the matter are not what she has told herself they are.
You have to listen to what your kid is saying to you. An empty apology might defuse the situation a few times, but it’s just a band-aid on a gaping wound.
You are supposed to fall on the floor at your adult child’s feet, confess all your sins and apologize repeatedly for 20 years. Won’t work. But that’s what they want you to do…just like when you’re in a cult. ; )
Side Bar: Example...You can have TWO Children and They BOTH...will see ..YOU...As TWO DIFFERENT!!😳... Parents to them..😳... GOOD 🙏Or NOT SO GOOD🙏....And All In Between 🙏... Don't Stress...It's Natural.🙏😊
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Children Ollwaves Set Us Up Unintentionally to make us feel the Exact Same way that wee have been making them feel that r a mirror focus on what eu can do differently to change the way that eu now knoe that eu r making them feel instead of asking the Reflection in the mirror to change
Who exactly is/was abusive? Who do you believe? You need to do some investigation before you take sides. There are in fact all kinds of examples of abusive parents. If it's true, being called out for it is warranted even prosecuted by law.
Hello socksumi, thank you for your insight! I agree, these situations are far more complicated than can be covered in a ten-minute video. There are abusive parents out there, although I'm not talking about abusive parents specifically in this video. However, I am not in any way condoning abuse of any kind, so yes, please take stock of the individual situation.
@@asill.6668 Or maybe you should accept that abused parents exist, and that being the "child" does not automatically mean they are always the poor victim, and if you really want to open your eyes as in educate yourself, read some news on children who killed their parents. But I bet you will say the parents surely deserved it. Yeah, we all go around and kill all the people who did something to us, whatever it was. I mean, going by how normal it has become to tell people on the internet to kys, and some people are actually so depressed they do it...
@@asill.6668 Also, did you not understand that this channel is focussing on the not spoken about side of parents with abusive children? Why do you think you have the right to tell any youtuber which videos they should make and that they are not allowed to make videos on the topic they want to make videos on? Are you used to getting your way? Are your parents perhaps enabling you instead of teaching you that the world does not revolve around you? Do you perhaps call it abuse when your parents say no to you? Also, when a child is defiant it does not mean that the parents abused the child. Abused children are often extremely quiet and obedient, and children who get spoiled, praised too much, get not told no often enough, turn out defiant. Have a nice day!
My daughter said that too but she is a horrible parent. She said terrible things to my granddaughter. She wouldn't let her go anywhere and made her clean and do laundry for 5 people when she was little. She needs to look in the mirror because I never treated her like she treats her daughter. I walked away after the kids got older because I couldn't handle her insults and yelling. I do have a kind, caring son and we get along really good.
I don't think all parents are as excellent at parenting since it is very, very hard. If your child points out some things you did that were not beneficial or perhaps even hurtful to them, then it may be worth it to listen and spot the hidden need(s). It may seem comforting to think you didn't do anything wrong but acting dismissive is indeed not the solution. 5:04 "Even if you know the facts of that whole situation and you disagree, all of that it doesn't matter." - in other words: lying. This is a classical trick of the ego as to maintain an air of superiority over the other person, as if to say: "I am above all this childish unconsciousness." I can tell from experience that such a half-assed apology is going to be experienced as deceptive or possibly even a kind of power move. I have yet to see anything useful come out of such fake apologies.
Yeah, my mom put me in a position when I was 17 that basically put me in a downward spiral. Not letting me leave the house, leaving out pills and alcohol, etc. She seems to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and wants me as a kid to take responsibility for everything that happened. There seems to be a lot of narcasim talk in this comment section against the kid but really it seems like parents are that way more than anything.
She's not talking about abusive parents. I think its more the blaming the parent s because they were poor and didn't get them everything example. Or something else that comes from a selfish place, or remembering something from a childs perspective who doesn't know everything or doesn't understand certain situations fully.
My mother has been emotionally, mentally and physically abusive to me. She won’t ever recognize that and denies it. I’m sorry but sometimes videos like this give actual toxic parents ammunition to continue and validate their behaviour.
Completely agree. I've been completely consumed reading through the comments, almost dumbstruck. I have no doubt some parents are genuinely living through deep pain with their adult children. But wow - I've seen so much dysfunctional psychology in most of the parental comments. On the other side of many of them is an adult child, like you, who feels destroyed by the parental choices. So sorry for what you had to endure.
This seems to be a big trend about adult child disrepecting their parents. Im done wuth it and found peace with it and now im addicted to my solitude.i did my best ,made alit of mistakes but they'll get it whgen they have kids of their own eventually.
Hi Sally, really thoughtful advice. As painful as it is, it's worse being judged and blamed by someone I thought was a friend; someone whom I entrusted with being a contact point with my daughter when I was truly worried. The condemnation from this person who has spent a lifetime hating her own mother, and blame she laid at my door was utter betrayal. I took the path of least resistance with my daughter, I apologised, and now she's upped the ante by going silent after bouts of re-engagement. She seems to be playing a game. And I don't want to play anymore.
@@TeresaOverholt-ky1ct I am now fully re-engaged with my daughter. I was truly at the point of no return but I am back now, to the fun and loving connection we had earlier. I have learned what not to do - and also, what to do. Take care, step back but don't give up. 💙
@@tracyneal532 I'll never give up on my son 🙏 I know I have to give him room but he's in a very dangerous situation and if I just let this go, I'm afraid of what could happen to him at the hands of this rotten evil guy he's renting a room from
My mom used to treat me like crap as a kid she used to beat me and mentally abuse me all my life. Because of her I will never ever trust another women again , and I will never ever give her grandchildren ! Her pride is more important than her relationship with her children! Well the day death takes her let her evil pride go with her as well .
Thank you for your comment Jerry, and I'm sorry to hear about your experience. :( I am definitely not condoning or defending abusive parenting in any way. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
I'm sorry you went through that. You don't have to trust the majority of women but just know that not every woman is a snake and they're humans just like you. Just keep your guard up for everyone tho, people in general these days can be snakes. I hope you can move on from your trauma and free yourself from your past demons
I had abusive and neglectful parents and it took me til my 50s to forgive them. Forgiveness helped me heal. I don’t condone the pain they caused but I now see my own parents were abused too. Healing is so possible. You’re so worth it. You deserve to love yourself.
Some commenters want to shove this issue & blame onto parents, & I assure them that they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about. And with their deep ignorance of reality that have the gall to tell parents to fix it w/ an apology. That suggestion is beyond laughable. The common place know-it-alls actually know absolutely zero about the parents, & the circumstances and even less about the estranged adult child.
I’m only three minutes in but so far seems all the same. At any point do you consider to tell other mums to first actually sit and think to themselves ‘are they right? Could I have done anything differently at the time? What can we do to help make things different down the line?’ Or is at all just geared at straight away validating the parent and alienating the child? Like what do you advise a mother who has disowned her daughter for arguing with her in the street, told her she was playing the victim after struggling with sexual abuse at the hands of her mothers husband, refused to offer any support with the daughters grandkids, but helped all her other kids with literally everything! lost her daughters house keys and still sent her on her way to sleep on the street with two kids refusing to accommodate them after leaving them locked out of their house, ridicules her over potential mental health problems, complains that daughter doesn’t visit but then when daughter does she leaves feeling way worse about herself than beforehand. Should I be sitting here as her daughter blaming myself for being born because my mam didn’t want kids and then had to marry my dad so my grandad wasn’t angry, should I be blaming myself that my dad abused me or that I have mental health problems. Should I be blaming myself that my mother would rather support my brother who has been done for indecent images than the daughter which has suffered abuse and life long problems. Am I a toxic daughter?
Thank you for your comment! You're right, unfortunately toxic parents do exist, and I think toxic people of all ages act similarly. In these videos, I'm talking about children who are not from circumstances with toxic parents, but still end up being toxic through varied circumstances (including by the consequences of their own choices). For children dealing with toxic parents, I've seen lots of resources and support systems out there, so I hope you are able to find the support you need! And if any of my video is applicable to your situation (just with titles reversed), I hope it's helpful to you.
I guess any adult blaming someone else, whether a parent, family or friends, has not reached the emotiinal intelligence level. Blaming causes your life to turn into bitterness and weakens your strength climbing any mountain to the top. Instead of achieving the feeling of self worth, your entire life is built on destroying the womb that you came from. Most parents have a natural human love for their children. It is human instinct to take care of a baby around the clock, seeing it through todler years. We feed these todlers, provide their nourishment, make sure they are clothed and are healthy. See to their education....pay school fees ect....retrospect most parents have a huge task in rearing their children. Some children are sometimes influenced at school or varcity where they associate with others who practise bad habits ie. Drugs. How can a child ever blame a parent for his own choices made, after being educated at home regarding drugs. The entire blamimg sessions are based on sometimes self inlicted harm and disobedience.
Parents are humans but their lack of awareness causes rippling pain. When the ego is challenged, parents will try to validate their side with yt videos and communities. And because they are so desperate for validation, they were never able to validate their children
I see this too. I'm troubled by many of the comments I've read; I suspect a fair proportion of the adult child offspring being discussed are out there feeling bereft and traumatised themselves. Ego defences break families.
If your adult child is telling you you were a bad parent and left them with serious psychological damage you need to sit down and do some self-reflection for once in your life because that is probably the exact reason you messed up your child so bad. Period. Humble yourself. """""defiant adult kids""""" just that phrase makes me nauseous. Victim-blamey af. They are an adult so to say it like that is just patronizing and condescending. Too many adult children have been seriously messed up by their parents and that deserves attention, not more invalidation.
Thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it. In some situations, the adult children are abusive and dangerous to others and themselves. It's difficult to speak to every single different circumstance that exists, and that's not what I'm trying to do since that runs the risk of alienating other people's different experiences. In these videos, I am speaking from my personal experience and discussing what to do when parents have done everything to be loving, compassionate, and supportive, and their child still continues to reject their efforts.
Adult kids never want you to reciprocate and tell then where they went wrong! I just say *Yes I was a bad mom.. a good mom... a so so mom and we as humans are flawed and you'll be flawed too!* And I see all the places my daughter goes wrong w her kids and I do believe karma is real😂
@@sallyharriscoachyeah, and so do felons. “Everyone makes mistakes” doesn’t heal traumatized children, it just gives people an excuse to not change and accept that they did wrong.
Show Empathy to your children. Do you need to be right……or do you want to have a good relationship? Admit when you’re WRONG we are humans and fallible, so admit when you make a mistake. And treat them how YOU want to be treated, you treat them like children when they are grown adults we are going to push back. But also self reflect, if you act that way….your kid is going to act that way….where do you think they LEArNED it?
I did admit that I was wrong and sobbed to her how sorry I was and how I didn’t want her to experience the same pain that I went through - she responded with ‘Any minute now, you will break’. I put her on a plane the next night hoping my ex ( not her father, but her father figure) would straighten her out, nope! She was still in Touch with the boyfriend and they had two weeks to plot against me. Tried to involve my federal job?! Discredit me within the community?! I finally had to kick her out because she was making my life a living hell. It is a complete nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I spent my whole life making sure she was getting what I could provide to make her happy- but making her empathetic and compassionate… it all backfired.
@@claireschuler1219luckily I just let my mom be and did not retaliate against her, but you learned you can’t control another being and the harder you push them in one direction the harder some will go the other We are our OWN human beings, we came from our mothers but we aren’t our mothers Giving humans choices is how you empower them and spell out the consequences of said choices……let them choose their fate.
In some cases the adult child becomes more persistent and grows more and more disrespectful in light of a parent’s apologies. The adult child puts the mother in between themselves and the world, even responsibilities of the child in regards to the outer world. The adult child continues the relationship with the apologetic parent because it insulates them from dealing with the scary world out there. And if the parent is continually willing to play that middleman and apologize for “what they’ve done wrong” in dealing with the outer world as a representative of the adult child it seems to me there must be a different approach that needs to be taken. It becomes a situation where the parent is enslaved by the demanding adult child. Especially when a situation arises where the adult child doesn’t want to bear the burden of possibly being wrong. The adult child can use the parent (have the parent make decisions based on the adult child’s behalf) to make some decisions that relieve the child of the possibility of being wrong.
I don't even care anymore, Did the best I could and feel I did above what a single parent could, it's called daughter in law, and not having a son who can stand up to his wife ... Over it😊
In four days, I will be eighteen. What I desire most is to leave my parents as soon as possible, and only talk to them once a year, if that. I know my mother will be all like “how could you do this to me,” “you are so ungrateful,” “you are heartless,” “your dad and I did so much for you.” She will tell me that no mother is perfect, and she tried her best. She will remind me that her parents treated her so much worse than she treated me. She will talk about authority, and how parents must always be respected. She will bring up her abusive brother and his stepson who apparently still “loves” his parents despite the abuse, as if loving abusive parents is something I should strive to do. She will act like I should give her brownie points for not being an outright abusive parent. Except she is. Most of the time, she acts like a nice mother. She tries to hug me all the time, she tries to talk to me, she tells me how much she loves me. But whenever an argument starts or I do something she doesn’t like, she starts telling me I’m a terrible person. I carry plates in a way she doesn’t like? I’m a narcissistic psychopath. I eat an extra meatball because I’m hungry? I’m selfish, and entitled beyond belief. I dare try to split food evenly? I’m petty and selfish. When I was ten, I thought I was a monster because she told me so. It took such a long time for me to realize that that’s not the case. But she’s still trying to convince me of that. Just yesterday, she went on a long tirade about how I have no empathy and am self-centred because I didn’t ask her why she was up at the middle of the night. Why would I even ask such a thing? She’s an adult, it’s none of my business. And then literally a few hours later she expects me to be okay with it. She gets angry at me for treating her coldly. It’s like she’s allowed to say the worst things possible to me, but I’m not allowed to react to it. We have done the whole “talk things over” thing before. She apologized “if she ever hurt me” and said “I always tried to be a good parent”. But I know those are lies. She isn’t actually sorry. You know how I know? Whenever I bring up an actual bad thing she did, she justifies it. I bring up an example of her gaslighting me, and she doubles down. So, apparently she’s sorry for everything, but she’s not willing to actually admit to doing anything wrong... ha ha ha... Whenever she “apologizes”, instead of actually focusing on my pain, she instead tries to minimize it by focusing on her bad childhood and other bad households. Because of that, I’ve given up. When I do actually leave my parents, I will probably not even bother explaining anything to her. An extra second spent on her is a second wasted imao. I know my mother will watch videos like these, trying to “cope with an adult child leaving them” and “an adult child blaming them for problems.” She will remain deluded that she was a good parent, and keep repeating her mantra of “I did my best” and “everyone makes mistakes”. Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone makes their child spend years feeling like shit. Not everyone’s child has no memory of ever loving their parents. Just because abuse isn’t visible doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Abuse isn’t just beatings and neglect. You don’t need to be an asshole 99% of the time to traumatize your child. Sometimes, 1% is enough.
Hi... as I read your post I realized how much your story of your mother sounds like that of the mother I have. You see I said have, not had. So I am much older than you... But I can relate to most of what you said. You said “feeling of a child that never loved their mother”, I have been there. In my case she had a sharp abusive tone with me and I had a very rebellious nature and so there were always collisions in our daily interaction with other. We had and have huge personality issues. I know right now it may feel like it is hopeless to have any kind of a relationship with your mother... but I would encourage you to at least try family counseling/ therapy with your mother or parents and see if you can resolve some issues between you and possibly learn to have a new relationship with them/her. At least give it a chance and a time frame... And see if you can create a better relationship with some boundaries. And learn to put the past behind you. I am no counselor or expert. Just someone who has walked down a similar path. Of course you can decide what is best for you and your situation. It takes time to build or rebuild a relationship of any kind. You sound like a really smart and intelligent young person. Take your time with decisions about things that could become something permanent. It’s just sometimes it takes a neutral person 3rd party to get two people to talk and resolve their issues. If you are willing to give it a try that is. It’s still up to you. Take care of yourself and good luck.
Do you & your parents a favor DONT give them your MERCY visit ONCE a year If you hate them that much leave & say I don’t want to see you again PERIOD I’m going to go visit them once a year ......please
@@Kwood10 very true. I told mine I didnt want to see them anymore and they obliged for the most part. Effective at getting better because them not being around and me not having to look at them is giving me space to think and understand
Just because you try and be a good parent doesn’t mean you are … I think of that for myself as a parent . Sucks … effort doesn’t always mean success. Praying you you and your families healing.
Once you are 18 you are on your own. The mistakes you make are yours. Own them, learn, and move on. Grow up. Your parents have their elide to lead. Not yours.
Every decision I made I made for my child. I did attachment parenting, never harsh discipline, extremely rare to have anything resembling harsh tone, gave up so much… but she’s taken things I’ve said in the wrong way, and to heart. Only finding out now in her teens. I thought we were a tight team but she blames me so much & is so pained that she can’t wait to leave home! It’s turned my world upside down.
There is a lie in the introduction. The title shouldn’t be about an unsuccessful adult. People are really suffering from toxic parenting!!! Girl the nerve
Thank you for your comment! You're right, unfortunately toxic parents do exist, and I think toxic people of all ages act similarly. In these videos, I'm talking about children who are not from circumstances with toxic parents, but still end up being toxic through varied circumstances (including by the consequences of their own choices). For children dealing with toxic parents, I've seen lots of resources and support systems out there, so I hope they find the support they need!
Oh my. My NPD mother sent this to me because I cut her out of my life years ago. Like this video is going to make her abuse disappear. If you are a good mother I feel bad for you guys. My mother is not guilty of ever being a good mother. And for those who might come at me. Is it normal for a mother who is the mistress of a married man to harass her 15-year-old virginal daughter to get pregnant by this man so she wouldn’t have get her tubes untied? That’s who my mother is.
Thank you for your comment! It's true that toxic people come in all ages, and that there are toxic parents just like there are toxic children. And you're right, my channel is directed toward parents who've done their best and whose children are making bad choices that lead to defiant or toxic behavior. I hope things go well for you and that you can find support!
Watching my mom be crazy my whole childhood then divorce raping my dad I will never talk to her again. The only thing good about my mom was not to trust women. Not all women are bad or crazy but it not worth the risk. I would not talk to my mom for all the money in the world.
Thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it.
My Mom used to tell me I never promised you a rose garden. Maybe I'll have to use the same comeback. I've already apologized for not being a perfect parent and even for not staying in an abusive relationship with my son's dad. So my getting out of it caused the chaos. I gave them love and attention, while he ignored them. But I'm the bad guy. I didn't blame my parents even tho they didn't raise me. My kids are almost 40, but I always wanted a loving relationship with a mate and my family. It just didn't work out that way.
Thank you for your comment! I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, that is so difficult. :( If you want to set up a call, you can check out my scheduling link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! www.sally-harris.com/work-with-me
@@elizabethmcleod246 Same here. I left a 20 year marriage after he became too toxic, controlling and verbally abusive to live with. I was never more vulnerable or scared in my life. I literally left with nothing but a suitcase and notified my daughter where I was going amd kept in touch with her the whole time. My adult, married with children (who never had time for me) daughter, who was not related to my husband, picked that moment to tell me I was a horrible parent and grandparent who was abandoning HER! Its been over 4 years now, and she has escalated to more ridiculous but vague accusations. I have to let her go because it was killing me. 💔
One thing I think I see as pattern is that I always tended to accept blame and blame myself, seek in everything going wrong where my part in it was, because without doing that, how can you make a change and learn from it. People who do not want to blame themselves pick up on it and put all their blame on you too. And the scapegoat for everyone is created. Now I decided to not carry their load anymore. They can talk whatever they want where I cant see or hear it. We have no more contact. I grew up being pushed around in an abusive family, and I mean all types of abuse. All I wanted in life was a loving family, and I thought I can reliably get that by marrying and having children myself. Well, it did not work out. It went really bad and everything fell apart. Now I have no contact with any of my family anymore. It is typical that the mother is blamed and the father is unscathed, as my children explained, nothing can be expected from the father anyway. I did the same with my mother, I blamed her for not protecting me. But she is the complete opposite of me as a mother. Or I became the opposite. It hurts that my children treated me like that while I have yet to even use one bad word against my mother. Well, life is not fair, and we all make mistakes. Seems I have to let all of them go now and build a new life just for myself.
Thank you for this video. It was so helpful. I don’t feel so alone and sad and beaten down by her words. Extravagant lies that never happened. Where does that come from. I’m looking forward to booking a call with you when she isn’t around. Thank you again for your compassion and expertise!
I have never felt a pain like this in my life. I literally felt my heart break. I'm going to try the 'truce' method. I'm praying it helps. I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.
Thank you for your comment. Finding a support system during this time is crucial, If you'd like to learn more about mine, you can reach out to me here- calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
I’m sorry but it is what it is some people were bad parents and they have to be real with themselves . I’m not saying they are BAD PEOPLE but it’s okay to admit you weren’t a good parent🤷🏾♀️
So when is it enough? When is it good enough? Never having been a parent I didn’t know the first thing about parenting but I did know I loved my daughter more than anything in this world. I made sure she knew I loved her and was proud of her always. My efforts went into making sure she always felt wanted and safe. Tha she was in a decent environment, fed well, plenty of toys, cloths, puppies, kittens, hugs and good friends (who always chose to hang out in our house). No anger and yelling, no hitting, no name calling. It’s still not enough. It’s just never enough.
My daughter was such a sweet child when she was young. We were happy. Now that she's a teen, suddenly she says hateful things to me all the time, nothing is good enough for her. I try to meet her in the middle and she ends up taking five steps back. I've tried counseling, but she just cusses at the counselor and hurls insults. I'm scared for her future because she is mean to everyone she meets and does not want to go to school or when she does go, she has a bad attitude and gets thrown out of class. I don't know what happened, I asked her if something bad happened to her and she just says no, she just hates me and likes it when I'm sad. All I hope for is that she is able to take care of herself when she's an adult. Even if she never wants to talk to me again, as long as she's ok, that's all I can ask for.
In this instance I’m on your side. Most likely your daughter hates something about her life and is struggling with something so she’s lashing it out on you.
Don’t compare your daughter to how she was when she was little. I’m telling you as a 19 going on 20 year old myself, when my parents say that, it makes me feel like they only liked me back then because i was obedient, naive, and cuter.
My mother used to ask me where the sweet child she used to have went. Well, when I told her what her husband was doing to me, she told me ( in the sweetest, most reasonable singsong voice ever)" That's just how your father plays." And then proceeded to start overseeing his sessions of "play" bringing her knitting and sitting in a rocking chair while she watched. When I went to school with my hair in huge knots with obvious cavities in my teeth in the first and second grades, "it's your own fault for not brushing your teeth/hair" I did not have a hair brush or toothbrush. When she made me sit on the floor at the foot of her bed for hours and hours while she told me what a POS I was, and held me accountable for everything that had ever gone wrong in her life while she made me rub her feet the whole time. Then she had the temerity to wonder what happened to the sweet child she used to have. I went no contact and never saw her again after 1998.
Yes my child blames me for EVERYTHING His dad did NOTHING but provide financially for us as he was growing up. I did literally everything else but I’m the horrible parent.
Often times, terrible parents don't fully accept and recognize just how bad they were as parents. As a parent it's your job to prepare them for the real world, and if they're struggling, it very well may be because you dropped the ball and we're neglectful and/or too selfish to take the time to prepare them to be functioning adults. Now that they're having to learn everything about adulthood the hard way, they may be fully justified in resenting you for not doing your job in parenting them and setting them back in life. There's a strong correlation in how a child turns out and the quality of their parents. There's always exceptions to the rule, but most people who are repeat offenders had awful parents, as an example.
My daughter really doesn't like being an adult. She is not a happy person now. She is constantly saying how she wishes she could be a kid again and be taken care of like she was as a kid. She even told me the other day she feels like she was loved more as a kid than as an adult. That's because she's an adult and she doesn't need me to guide her constantly. She's so conflicting because she'll also tell me what a disconnect our relationship is/was, stemming back to her childhood, because I don't show emotion and am so laid back. According to her, my lack of emotion made me a bad mother. I'm so confused because she wants to be that child again and be taken care of like before. So was it a bad childhood or not? I admit, I don't show a lot of emotion; calmness was always my character, but I always gave her physical touching and told her I loved her.
Dec.15 2022 I have seven children and I raised them with a lot of love, I also provided for them everything they needed, and a lot of what they wanted when they got older they turned on me and started to say very ugly things about me things that weren’t my fault or that I did things wrong. It seemed like they just wanted to hurt me. I told them I’m sorry I did not want to fight with them, but I feel with saying things that weren’t true so I will take your advice and see who else they can blame.
I am a complex trauma survivor myself and was untreated and definitely had problems with self-regulation but I always owned it and wrote a long letter to my son apologizing for everything when he left for the military. but now he uses that as a weapon against me when I do try to set boundaries
Thank you for your comment! That's a great first step to look at yourself in the mirror; and it's unfortunately true that hurt people will hurt people. But I'm glad that you're taking steps toward healing, and I hope you found my video helpful! If you ever want to set up a call, you can check out my link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
I was not a perfect parent either, and I owned my mistakes. That has been weaponized against me as well. Because I was desperate for a relationship, I guess I let a weird dynamic develop. My oldest has become verbally abusive and insensitive toward me. Thanksgiving was bad, and I am done. It’s time to take back my self respect
You think because you wrote a letter apologizing that the 18 yrs of trauma you inflicted on your child is going to magically disappear? Are you that selfish? It's a start, but you are far from finished. You now have to undo the hurt you caused and that is going to take a lot of effort on your part. That means not just "talking" but DOING.
@@ravenclaw783 hey Rick you don't even know me. We are reconciled. There was FAR more good than bad. And without some kind of spiritual path people will continue to lick their wounds.
@@ravenclaw783 hey. Rick. You don't even know me. And you're going to give advice? We ARE fully reconciled and it's because we took a spiritual path. Forgiveness does not mean requiring that the other person spend years supposedly making up for it while you act out and withhold love until they have groveled enough. That wouldn't be forgiveness would it? It means starting from where you are and moving forward. There was a lot more good than bad. Don't pretend to know my situation, Sir.
God bless all the adult children that want to blame their parents for their life problems. My advice to the adult children instead of downing your parents, please be 100 times better than they ever could be. To the parent's ask the lord to forgive you for any separation or part you may have played and then forgive yourself and live your life. Parent's once you raised your children and they want to be estranged, disrespectful, or turning the blame on their shortcomings pray for them daily and live your life. I tell you this from experience. I am the parent that have an extranged child and i sleep well at night. I am not perfect but i know i did right by her. Her life faults and shortcomings are her own. God bless her. Live, love, laugh! Be happy.
I always thought we had a wonderful relationship. We were best friends and since she got married she's turned on me . I'm floored. Were not even speaking. She's accusing me of causing trauma .This is crazy.
@@Kwood10 Well at least were talking now. Its the you suck as a parent and ruined my childhood routine. I think we all did it to our parents at some point. I was basically a single mom .
My daughter is now giving me the silent treatment and we used to be so close. She is an only child, and going through infertility issues, and now she won't speak to me, says I disrespect her, etc. I have never done that....she can't even give me an example....just stopped talking to me.
@@triciamcbride9179 Yup I'm getting that too. Back in my day parents didn't say much about sex. The schools were really pushing sex ed so I made sure I was very open with my kids , now she's trying to say that I over stepped my boundaries and was over concerned with their sexuality..WUT ???? I had to find out about sex at the library. I dont know what to think anymore. I was always open and honest about everything. I didn't keep secrets. They could ask me anything..I just dont get it..
@@canadiansfirst3636 When did kids start attacking their parents anyway?? I was always taught to respect my elders, especially my parents. Even if I didn't agree with them, I didn't disrespect them or mistreat them. It baffles me. I taught high school for 30 years, and I know how to handle young adults. I was well known for my communication skills with my students. My adult daughter has always been a control freak, and I suppose at some point this too shall pass...I hope.
It's simple. You apologize. You ask how you can make it right. You follow through. You do not manipulate and powertrip as you suggest in this video. Please, try again.
@@sallyharriscoach wait what about the many parents how are toxic.? The ones who really never apologise. Why not address the comment on what happens when they are manipulative ?
@@badass_omelette5166 this channel is NOT a place for accountability (outside of the adult child carrying the accountability)!😅 These people can’t see their own flaws, they are allergic to contrition! 😂
@@watching1513 Come back here and be honest about your own experience. State the facts, and specify your own role, are you the ADULT CHILD or THE PARENT? My guess is that you are the DISRESPECTFUL ADULT CHILD who wants the parent to submit.
I have apologize multiple times. I’m always there for her when she needs me. I got her car out of the repo twice helped her with her rent. I Brought her stuff when she had Covid. Make sure she had food. And let her move back home rent free and feel free to get back on her feet. She stays shut up in her room and doesn’t even speak it to me! Every time I try to talk to her, she makes it into an argument. She has a little sister, who is 10 years younger than her. She was always mean to her, and never would bond with her. And now she’s jealous of her because she was successful in life. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s draining everything in me.
Sometimes the problem is actually the parent. I was never allowed to wear what I wanted, if that was the case I had to sneak it. I never got time for my homework. Because I was always busy doing chores. (I have ADHD which makes tasks take longer for me to do) And my mother would constantly berate me about how she gave me a single task. I could never tell her my problems because she'd somehow turn it into some big issue. (Like, "no you don't know what tired is." Or "I'm the one who's been on my feet all day") I could never get a break. I was called lazy She blamed me for all these things.. And parents wonder why kids rebel and try and go behind the backs of their parents.
I have apologized to my daughter for everything in her life that ever hurt her feelings, etc..... I am sure the wars in the middle east are my fault according to her. I apologized for them. I give up. If she stubs her toe today it will be my fault.
Always remember…you’re the tree and she’s the branch! You’ve apologized now Stand strong and be unmovable! She too will learn that there’s no handbook to parenting! She too will make mistakes and want her children to forgive!
Thank you because my son is 44 this past Easter I had to work so they're all there together and I ended up hearing that I manipulated and blah blah.... And I decided because I do have experience as a PCA and I have gone through counseling for being codependent blah blah I did say to him I'm so sorry that you feel like that I wish there was something I could do to take it away but there isn't I'm hoping we can move forward
You should know yourself. If your child says that. You should know better. It is a LIE usually unless you are a bad mom. If you are a good mom you should know that you are good no matter what they say.
To heck with your kid. They don’t like you they don’t need to come around any more. My kid is in college and he is an ungrateful brat. Live above my means to keep my kids in a decent neighborhood around successful people. I am a loser and he is right, but I worked 80 hour weeks to keep his ungrateful self in the right place.
“Turn out just fine” you say. What my experience tells me is this is all a process. To say we turn out supposes we aren’t changing even then. So with that in mind, it’s really about the finished product when our creator says well done my faithful servant. We can’t blame we can’t change others. Just do what God the creator intends for us. For in the end it is what we turn out to him that really matters.
I want to say I do respect you a lot for your willingness to apologize for your impact. But personally I wish Mom's in general (I am one btw) would learn to think before they speak. Please know that everything you say has a huuuuuuge amount of power. Everything and anything you mutter will be taken personally by your children-- and honestly I don't feel that a lot of mothers realize it. You said twice in this conversation "let's say your child is unsuccessful." I'm curious if they said that or did you the mother constantly tell them how disappointed you were that they didn't live up to your expectations? I think the big take away is - yes you'll make mistakes but please think about the power of a mother's words and how comments around successes and failures truly feel like a dagger through the heart when coming from a mother.
I absolutely agree with what you said. I picked up on her statement of her son not being successful. Im sure she’s let him know she feels that about him in subtle and not so subtle ways.
I’m tall ball three that I’m the worst mother ever so when they start bashing me I say I know I know who’s the worst mother pick me I told the title 44 years but actually you three came out perfect so I messaged him something right! Then they shut up!
After 18 years of love and sacrifices my daughter told me she was ashamed of being related to me because I didn’t approve of her drug user bf She left home and never saw her again and I’m ok with it That was 45 years ago
Your not alone. My youngest left 14 years ago. Broke my heart into prices. She was treated very well. She had it all. There isn't an explanation for alot of things in life This is one of them.
I’m tall ball three that I’m the worst mother ever so when they start bashing me I say I know I know who’s the worst mother pick me I told the title 44 years but actually you three came out perfect so I messaged him something right! Then they shut up!
Many of these adult kids already have kids themselves, of course! Having watched and lived through how my parents chose to parent, my husband and I have bent over backwards to raise our own children (one is very nearly an adult) with utmost respect. I don't want this to sound conceited, because no parent is perfect, including my husband and I. But if we've upset or concerned our child, we've worked with them since their toddlerhood to encourage open communication and protest from them: we listen and make it easy for them to talk openly, and to share their concerns or anger; we then reflect back to them what we've understood they've communicated, and check with them that we've understood them correctly; then we apologise and propose what we'll do differently. We then check-in with to make sure they're in agreement. This whole process doesn't usually take longer than 10 minutes, and we're hugging by the end of it. On top of this, we've found that this respect has worked out both ways; we've avoided control as much as possible, and we've found that when we do need to express concern or protest ourselves, our teens more often than not listen hard and give us the same respect. It's ideally a two-way street, but it should always, always start with the parents. My main gratitude to my parents is that I learnt this lesson, which has enabled a loving and respectful bond with my own children. Because generational trauma being passed down is highly damaging. Yes, parenting is very hard work at times and can feel exhausting and painful. But as a parent we have the responsibility to not harm our kids - physically, psychologically, emotionally or spiritually.
I was a really hyperactive kid. A kid who, you could say, "couldn't behave". My mom used to beat me because she got desperate I didn't listen to her. My father worked all day so I barely saw him. Both my parents were really strict. Growing up, when I was in middle school, I couldn't ask "Why?" to anything my parents said because they would ground me for at least a week (No going out, no TV, no Games of any kind, just alone in my room for a week) and sometimes slap me for asking. Due to that I grew up having total fear of them. During that time, my mother used to tell me I couldn't have a girlfriend either. Because of my fear I just didn't. She sometimes beat me with a belt. She hit me in the back for not obeying her, plus being grounded. When I graduated from Elementary School, due to my bad performance in school she grounded me for all two-month vacation. No TV, no friends, NOTHING AT ALL. How can a kid live like that? After high school I got to Canada to practice my English, since it is not my mother tongue. I missed my family and her for some reason. When I got back I tried to make things right. Not arguing with her, obeying and trying my best to be at peace. She's got a problem that when you submit to her in any form she asks for more. In other words, she is bossy. Now I am 24 years old. I do not speak to my mother at all. Not too long ago (4 months ago), we were at home playing Monopoly. My mother, my brother and a little cousin. By this time, our relation couldn't be any worse (or so I thought). She asked that I cook a meal for them. I refuse. She calls the police. So, police arrives. I get handcuffed and picked up into the police car. I wish I was making this up. I wish there was a reason. I didn't get angry, I didn't yelled at her. Besides, it was MY OWN HOME and yes, I got handcuffed in my legally owned home, with my name in the property... Am I wrong for now avoiding any contact with her? Am I a bad son? I recon I was a bad brother and I regret it. Maybe I was a bad son, too? Maybe I am a bad son...? I don't know anymore. It really hurts me that I don't have a mother now, because even when I know I made that choice, in all my 24 years of life it never got better with her. I have to learn to live like this.
You need help. She is abusing you to the core, and you feel you need to stay by her side. That's not love. That's Stockholm Syndrome. You are being manipulated and your free will is being sucked out. Get help and get the fuck out of you mother's side.
you're not wrong to cut her off. There's a limit for everyone .And you're not a bad person: to even question your role in it tells me you want to fix it if you can. I had a horrible mother too. I am here because, even though I thought I was breaking the cycle of abuse and raising my sons with love & structure, one of them still thinks I'm worthy of being cut off. I would've bent over backwards to avoid being a mother like I had.
Hello Hector, I am sorry to hear of your painful childhood. Every child deserves to be loved and respected. Please know you are not alone, God is with you. May God heal your heart, mind and soul, in Jesus name. 🙏 ❤ Grace from Canada
Dang Brother, you didn't deserve any of that. You are categorically NOT a bad son for avoiding that woman. She was and is a bad mother. Keep your head up and keep working on yourself. You're a good person and deserve to be treated well.
I'm going through this with my almost 26 y/o daughter. I had a rough childhood. I got I to a very abusive marriage and had to go to a shelter with my daughter who was 7 at the time. I had such bad panic attacks for a few years after. But I got on my feet, went to school, and got better with God. I'm remarried now and I have a good life. My daughter is very disrespectful, hateful at times. I've apologized on many occasions. She moved in woth my husband and I 8 months ago and ended up getting into a pretty altercation with me and my hubby. She left with my grandbaby and won't talk to me or let me see my grandbaby. I have helped her so many times. I had her in counseling when she was younger and just feel like I've tried to help her. But she blames me and tells me I was angry and now she won't answer my calls. So I've stopped calling, and it hurts my heart so much. I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you for your comment. Finding a support system during this time is crucial, If you'd like to learn more about mine, you can reach out to me here- calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
After talking to me w disrespect n name foul name calling names I have said that n doesn’t change anything n I am not king to apologize for something didn’t happen but for any disappointment he may have had still had worked after being called the c word I m good he Neto own it apologize for it
When you are ready to learn more about 1:1 and group coaching; reach out to me here for a 30 minute consultation! (Not a coaching call)
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I have a very important question: why is it that these adult children don't go to their dad when they feel this way? Good question. huh?
Its a possibility they may not feel safe going to him.
@@leolion3156Which suggests that the mother is safer to talk to which means she is more accepting of the child. And, because she is more accepting and safer to talk to, she should be the main target for hostility. Makes sense. The human nature. Hit those who are less likely to push back.
Even when their abusive “dad” abandoned me with two babies in diapers, both adult children still disparage me, and apologize for him. Inconceivable. I did my best to raise them, supporting them by myself - warm, safe, loving home, good schools, wonderful extended family, then a supportive step-dad who was totally present for them, and they still blamed me for all their bad choices and abusive behaviors. We have finally found peace, by distancing them from our life. (Their biological “father” was diagnosed bi-polar manic depressive while they were teens. Turns out, they present bi-polar behaviors, too.) There is peace to be found, at a great cost. It is still PEACE.
Many times the dad is their “enemy” my 28 yo son picks on his dad since he changed his strict ways back when my son was 14. Whenever he has a problem he bashes him on Facebook & my husband doesn’t engage. He even tried to alienate us from r 2 grandkids, but their mom allows us to maintain r relationship w/them, so theirs nothing he can do about it. My hubby apologized & offered counseling more than once. My son says he forgives him & doesn’t need counseling then bam 💥 6mos later he has an issue yet again. 🤷🏾♀️
Sorry but they do come at the Dad’s as well. My daughter’s problem with insecurity is my fault because I didn’t tell her how pretty she was enough, while my son’ lack of motivation at work and inability to progress is because, according to him, I never pushed him hard enough, or ‘disciplined’ he and his siblings enough. I swear, every single character flaw or poor life outcome is ascribed to something I or their Mother did, or didn’t do, or didn’t do enough, or because we failed to see what was going on in their head or at school, even if they actively hid things from us, like binge drinking or drug use. Meanwhile we’re still having to help them out financially due to the current financial crisis. It’s a nightmare
What’s painful is when you as a mother think that in spite of all your hardships as a single parent, that you did a decent job only for them to say that in fact you were a horrible parent and shouldn’t have been one. To say that is deflating is an understatement.
My 17 yro daughter started dating a 21 year old guy and he poisoned her against me… it is heartbreaking! She graduated high school at 15, straight As and first year of college 9 As and 2Bs and everyone loves her… but all of a sudden her life is ‘horrible’ and it is my fault. - I totally feel your pain. I was a completely single mom… just the two of us 🥺
My son is 33 and has a son of his own and I'm a grandmotsir but he is telling me. I have no right to tell him how to parent and to mind my own business. But we're going to be living together. I don't know what to do any ideas. How to respond to this?I'm a bad mom.I wasn't there when he was small whiches true but he can't be throwing it in my face all the time
@@mommymoneymanifestations9009 I absolutely agree. My heart is broken 😞
@@claireschuler1219 it is my turn to be blame for her bad behavior. Single mother just two of us . Painful
I loved being a mom to one daughter and thought we had a really good relationship and when she became an adult (19) she told me everything single thing I did wrong in her life .... Hurts so much to hear this .
Same here except it was my Son
Parenting is a thankless job
It hurt to hear those exact words come out of my 19 year old daughter 💔
Y’all just confirmed everything I suspected tbh. You don’t care how you made your children feel powerless and/or unable to come to you to talk about anything.
It is absolutely no wonder that the moment your children get independent from you they are free to say everything they have been scared to say for years.
And now instead of trying to relate and heal the relationship, you’re on youtube making yourselves feel like a victim and blaming your child entirely for the relationship going sour.
Stop listening to this stupid lady and go see a family therapist.
@@CoSu1006 you sound like one of the horrible parents, if you’re getting brought into the world, it wasn’t your choice and you deserved to be cared for. Sometimes i wish i was an orphan, maybe i wouldn’t be as messed up with a family who actually felt ready to have a child. One day your child will grow up and never speak to you again
Parents’ role is to support offspring to find their life’s unique meaning, even if it doesn’t align with their parents’ values.
💯
Yes doesn't have to align with their parents values .I love my daughter even though we are different. But to just not speak to you when you were a loving and supportive parent doesn't seem right .If she can look herself in the mirror doing that I guess it's her choice but she knows I tried very hard and did prioritize my kids .She has said it herself .
When they are adults, over 18, they should be accountable not you.
@@lindasharp8523 Yes, you're right. As an adult, I recognized that I was dealt with shitty parents. They have inflicted pain and all sorts of troubles that I as an adult have to work through.... and I am working through it and the costs are high. The price for that accountability is that these people will NEVER hear from me again. I never want to hear from or see them again. Thats the price bad parents pay and it is justified.
I was beaten as a child. Verbally abused, and also neglected. Growing up I thought this was the norm and every kid experienced this. Brainwashed? Daily. Stockholm syndrome? Been there, got the T shirt. Parents are long dead and I do not miss them. Yes, I’m still in therapy, and doing well, although I have a bad day now and again with memories. Here’s one thing to ponder though: if the life I endured instilled in me an intrinsic motivation to succeed in life, what would have become of me if my parents loved me, and treated me with human kindness?
J , I can relate. You are important,loved ,wanted. You were out on this planet for a reason man .❤️🇨🇦
True "Success" is not what people think it is - success is not about having a good career, good home, loving family - success can include all of those things, but they aren't what makes a life successful. Success comes from living consciously, not reactively ( 99% of people in the U.S. live reactively and in their minds & emotions, not consciously in reality), which makes everything else fall into place. And since abuse is the main cause of mental disorders and mental problems, when a person comes from an abusive or dysfunctional home in childhood, and they are never taught how to live consciously (abusive parents would not be able to teach this, and most people are not taught that anyways, especially in western culture), they are not mentally healthy and have a ton of work to do, so unless they learn it as adults, they might have small or big "successes", but those things come and go, living consciously and not reactively, and being someone who is able to exude joy no matter what environment they're in, is the only way to truly be successful in life.
The first thing a person has to do is to know what their existence is for, that they are one part of a whole that has the intelligence to control what type of person they are. (Children do not have this type of control, as their brains absorb everything they see and hear up until the ages of about 7 to 11, for good reasons, so they learn, but there's no barriers to what is being "downloaded" into their brains, good or bad, so kids are not able to live consciously, they live more than 90% of the time subconsciously for learning reasons. That is why kids from dysfunctional families believe negative things about themselves that they've heard, even as adults, until they learn how to live consciously and not emotionally).
Who could know? We are not equals like canned sardines. We all are unique.
lol some of us after all the abuse do 11 suicide attemps bc of all the sabotage. speak for yourself not all of us can make it
only golden children are allowed to succeed the others get abused into suicide while golden kids run with all the resources often co abusing the sibling while getting out. bc the golden kids is always the mini narc
But we have to acknowledge our mistakes do affect our kids. And our parents mistakes impacted us. As long as we empathize with our kids and validate their feelings. Not empathize with ourselves smh. Unless they are abusive or something. We have to own up to our mistakes. We are the parent and they are their child
We all do, you are right!
A breath of fresh air comment! I agree with you 100% (as a daughter, and a Mum to teenagers). And the 'Holistic Psychologist' speaks out about this too. I'm sure there are genuine cases of parents distressed or outright traumatised at their adult children's hands, but there will be many, many more the other way round. There are also generational differences, with older generations generally finding it harder to dig-deep and 'do the work' than younger generations. No parent is perfect, and it's therefore so important, as a starting point. to listen deeply to our children - whatever their age - with humility, and to validate and repair - through apology, where appropriate, and behavioural change. I keep seeing words like 'blame' in the comments under this video, which is a very dysfunctional and disempowering headspace from which to be living.
It is not the obligation of a parent to "validate" the feelings of their ADULT children. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with showing ourselves empathy! Yes, we are the parents, but they are ADULTS and as such, they have to behave like adults, not spoiled, entitled children.
My parents have made a lot of mistakes, not because they "didn't know better" but because they made bad decisions despite the negative repercussions it had on me. As an adult, I can forgive, heal, and endeavor to start again with my parents, BUT if they don't at least acknowledge their mistakes and try to do something in the present to help me heal and build a better relationship with them, there is no way that I will have anything to do with them. We can forgive, but that doesn't mean they can continue to make the same mistakes and we're expected to simply deal with it. Nope.
@@ravenclaw783Why? We forgave our kids there mistakes and don't throw it up in their face when things don't turn out for us.
It hurts so badly..worse than anything I have ever gone through.
I'm sorry to hear about your pain. :( It's difficult to go through, especially alone.
If you want to set up a call, you can check out my scheduling link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! www.sally-harris.com/work-with-me
Getting stronger
Not letting myself continually getting hurt
.
stop victimizing yourself and get help. being a parent is a responsibility and it seems a lot of you fall into the self-pity trap that keeps your children a MILLION miles away from you.
@@Samanthaasdfghjkl
Hi. I’ve read some of your comments, & I’m sincerely asking for your input, because I respect this younger generation immensely. I feel it’s changing the world for the better. My generation certainly couldn’t do it, we were too whipped. Too scared. Too stuck..
I’m 57. My only child, an adult daughter, she’s almost 26.
I raised her alone. Single parent. Didn’t date.
I made so many mistakes!!
Her issues w/me are valid. I’ve listened, been accountable & validated her in every way that I know how to.
I don’t expect her wounds to be healed instantly, but I had hoped for some progress by now..
I’ve been in therapy actively for almost 3 years now.
The love was always shown to her. I showed it and said it daily. Often.
Anyway, I also watch Dr. Ramani daily. I work on myself. I have so much i need to still fix about me, but I’m sure not where, who, or how..I was.
When I say I adore my daughter, & always have, I mean that.
I showed her much love, affection, & even though we were low income, she had the newest & best of everything I possibly could give her.
Alas…I made mistakes.
I made her my best friend. My “therapist” at the time even. (I know.😔 badddd idea!!)
She was a “little adult,”just trying to help her mother…😣
It’s very sad. I feel terrible about the woman I was.
I was on hospice when she was younger, & have pancreatic disease. She’s always been angry that I get pretty sick.
I don’t mean too. It just happens.
I fired hospice because she didn’t like them around, Plus…they had me on such strong meds I couldn’t stay awake & even converse.
It. Was. Bad.
Bad!!
I’m still sick but hide it as much as possible from her. We don’t live together.
I have been accountable.
I’ve been validating.
I show love.
I truly empathize tremendously w/her, but she still punishes me for who I was back then.
I think she must not feel heard? Idk, but I’d listen to her all day, every day just to fix the pain in that beautiful young woman’s heart.
She is brilliant! (She did that. She chose to be so.) She is very hard on herself. She is very hard on me. She will get really close to me, then symbolically rip the rug right out from under my feet & say the most hurtful things to me,
Such as-
“She hates me. She loves me. She misses me, she doesn’t feel comfortable around me..” & so on.
Her confusion & pain are palpable.
Idk what to do.
Idk HOW to fix this.
I want only for her to know that I am sorry.
Like-So sorry!!
I wish I had known about boundaries & self care when I was raising her.
But I didn’t sadly..regretfully too!!
She saw me abused by an entire family of narcissistic people.
I was “the enabler.”
I protected her, but of course she was exposed to it too. I regret that so much!!
I should have known better, but I didn’t.
I believed their lies.
I believed that if I could only do this or that right, they’d finally love me.
Pretty pathetic, hey?
It hurts thinking of it all, & I do daily.
I have so much regret.
So much Shame.
I was the cheerleader in that toxic family system & I was always trying to make everyone happy.
I was the one who tried to make peace.
I want to help her heal.
I want her to feel better inside. To feel loved & to trust me, because she can.
She has now taken the problems in our relationship public.
She sets me up to have an outing & invites her close friends and they listen to her destroy me.
It’s very uncomfortable for everyone there.
The last time it happened, I told her it was an inappropriate time to discuss that.
She is very big on boundaries, but just not mine. She laughs in my face. I’ve never done that to her once.
I couldn’t & I wouldn’t.
I have made huge mistakes, &
I own that.
What, besides patience, love, understanding, & time can I do to help her heal?
I want to help her.
Idk how anymore.
This is so painful. I wish I could take all her pain away, but it seems I can’t..
Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you for your time.
I appreciate it greatly.
P.S. almost 2 years ago,
I stopped enabling & moved away from the narcissists, sold my home of 17 years & no longer allow that in my life.
They are no longer around. She knows this.
Who raised who? Their childhood probably hurt them more than being rejected hurts you.
Just heard this..
Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect.
So on point!
A couple of eeks ago, my adult daughter cursed me out, told me I'm a "sorry excuse for a mom" and a "fucking horrible grandmother", then she said "I'm blocking you (on FB) until you can reach out and be a good person". I did not deserve ANY of that. So today, Thanksgiving, she sends me a message saying "Thanksgiving blessings" Even though e're at odds you're still my mom". No apology, no accountability, nothing. I'm sorry but this time, you don't get to stroll back into my life by tossing me a "treat". That has happened many times. No more because she just goes back to her old habits every time. I told her I'm not going to stand for her disrespect anymore and I meant it! Abusers don't change, they just escalate.
- If you ever want to set up a call, you can check out my link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
Missing missing reasons 😂
@@AnnabellRoo I don´t owe you any"reasons" so just shut the hell up. You know NOTHING about the backstory here.
nice grift you got here, @@sallyharriscoach
@@AnnabellRoo Issendai isn't even citable. She's admitted it.
Interestingly me and my husband are at different phases of dealing with exactly this issue in my family. I have already set my boundaries and he is in the phase of admitting sorry, sorry and sorry ! Our daughter is well settled forty year working lady with two handsome kids and a kind hearted husband ! We have concluded that we can not help her anymore. So I don’t even feel sad about all that! 😂😂😂We tried everything in our power to educate her, love her, support financially to educate her and her husband. Helped taking care of her family whenever we could. Beauty of the game is that she has conveniently forgotten her own mistakes and forgot our support of rectifying those mistakes to help her grow what she is today.
But everything went down the drain, so be it!
This has just started showing up as an epidemic in our society. The family is being attacked and adults are refusing responsibility for their actions and blaming a parent. We did the best we knew at the time.
No, it’s just that people can now talk about and share experiences in groups online. This has been going on for all of history, but people didn’t talk about it.
@@weirdwilliam8500 yes, but we, the older generations called this LIFE and dealt with it. Now, the younger generations are like flowers losing petals with a breeze. I believe that the blood never turns into water, meaning the blood related should love each other and don’t judge each other.
@@Basilica19 Maybe the fact that you accepted being abused or neglected is why you ended up as an emotionally disfigured, abusive person yourself. Your children are under no obligation to accept that for themselves, and if you were actually a good parent, then you wouldn’t ask it of them.
Your children have the opportunity to break this cycle and live safe, happy lives, and to pass that mindset on to their children. If you can’t celebrate that, because you’d rather never admit fault or change your behavior, then you’re just part of the problem they are solving by removing you from their lives. They “dealt with it” by cutting you off.
@@bf6048 Then your best was simply bad. And you have to live with that.
Some parents were highly abusive growing up and it still affects the adult children in present time. Some parents use the excuse that they did to their kids what was done to them. I honestly think if parents took accountability and said “I’m sorry,” that would be a great start on the path towards healing for the kids.
Thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it.
It's difficult to speak to every single different circumstance that exists, and that's not what I'm trying to do. However, that runs the risk of alienating other people's different experiences. In these videos, I am speaking from my personal experience and discussing what to do when you admit to your mistakes, have done everything to be loving and compassionate, and your child still continues to reject your efforts.
I don’t believe it’s an excuse but a reality. Most adults that were abused by their parents do know how to act any other way. It’s very hard to get someone with that mentality to realize how their behavior is affecting their children because they really do not know any different. While it’s hard to find compassion for people like we must be empathetic. Criticism isn’t the answer. Hopefully, at some point in their lives, they will have the opportunity to change.
Feel free to think that but reality of maturation is this
“The carrier of the resentment gets to deal with it”.
That’s what adults do-they are reasonable & don’t pass value judgements like “good” “bad”. They get help with therapy to become less shame based in their own communication. They realise you can only change yourself, no one else.
No one gets to define who another is.
@@sallyharriscoachwait you not saying anything on the abusive parent? Stop commenting ignoring all the pain these kids have gone through. You need support kids of abusive parents in removing these people as they are not changing or growing
I agree! My parents never apologied for anything. I am sorry would heal so much
So holding myself accountable rather I agree or not…. It just makes me feel like I’m lying to make someone else feel good or to keep the peace.
Nope. Done with been treated like rubbish. Had 20 yrs of it. Done
What she is trying to stress, in the video, is that perception is reality. And people can have different perceptions of the same event. I believe she is trying to say to be accountable that your child got hurt by what you said (not that you meant it that way). She also emphasizes how they are often isn’t a “wrong“ or “right“ I think it’s about children communicating to their parents and vice versa their feelings. At least for me, as the daughter, my goal and talking to my mom about the ways that her actions hurt me is to actually try to connect on a deeper level with her. In general, I would expect mothers to WANT to know how they have hurt their children so as not to continue doing the same behaviors in the present. Given that my mother is not accountable to her actions, she keeps repeating the same hurtful actions to this day. I can tell you, I have honestly tried to have open honest conversations without judgment. At the same time, I wanted her to know the things I was hurt by so that she doesn’t keep doing them. I was able to move through the past, but the problem is she keeps doing the same things to hurt me over and over! So I’m not sure that it’s black and white I don’t think it’s black and white. I believe that sometimes when children say, their mothers hurt them all their lives that it’s actually true. And I believe there are children that say their moms have done things to hurt them all of their life that haven’t. I think the goal is simply COMMUNICATION. If both the mom and kids want to be loving toward one another then it would logically follow that they would want to know the things that they do that hurt one another (so as to avoid doing again and again) I think identifying one’s values is very helpful in this context.
Yes! Walking on eggshells is a horrible way to exist.
Adult children need to STOP the BLAME GAME when it comes to their parents. These Adult children are in their 30’s, 40's, 50's etc…They haven’t been children for well OVER 10 years. It’s THEIR responsibility as ADULTS to go into Therapy and get Counseling and find Support Groups to heal THEMSELVES. Your parents have gone through some TRAUMAS of their own I’m sure. We’ve ALL been through some hard and rough times including PARENTS, but as ADULTS we are in the driver's seat now, so the BLAME GAME STOPS there. They complain about their parents so much, let's see them do BETTER. Also, stop staying with Narcissistic, emotional and mental abusive, lying, cheating and disrespectful husbands and men. They are TOXIC, but I don’t see these females trying to escape that or throwing them away like they do their Mothers. They need to take OWNERSHIP and RESPONSIBILITY for their OWN lives since they feel they’re so PERFECT.
YES! Everyone is responsible for healing themselves. So hard when they are not willing.
I agree. I think it's hard in some situations because ur parent meddled in yr life and possibly helped bring toxicity into yr family , especially if you were a single parent they had a easier time digging in their claws ... but even in that case , get therapy and learn to have healthy boundaries with them , even after years of Destruction... cause we all are so imperfect , healthier to forgive , because we ain't all that either . It's a hard road sometimes. Either way . But God help us , we can get there . Prob not perfect , but all we need is good enough , anything else is neurotic . As you can tell I live the struggle . God help me as well. I ain't all that myself / haha. sorry don't care about the spelling and I like the word ain't (I guess)
Though ironically, your comment has a very strong blaming and aggressive tone itself. If you take a look at the very popular Holistic Psychologist's work (here on TH-cam, and on Twitter and Instagram), you'll find a different take to this. However, I do agree with you that it's everyone's responsibility - parent and adult child - to help themselves through to healing. It's important to consult with the right kind of professional though, for example, with a Chartered Clinical Psychologist.
From a daughter’s pov i just want to say that you as a mom had a big impact on our childhood and upbringing and you affecting US and not realising it does not mean that you didn’t affect us. You definitely did.
Thank you so much! My mom hurt me so bad!
Not all daughters are angels and easy to parent either.
@@catalinawoody6954 victimology is also being perpetuated in our school systems. This has been true for a long time. The definition of child abuse has changed incredibly. If you say the wrong words to your kids it's considered child abuse to the point of Ridiculousness. The school system definitely promotes destruction of the family it absolutely does
@@ellyk8834 sorry it's typical of mothers. We don't know what kind of dynamics are going on. I had a difficult mother and became a difficult daughter.
So this generation was the only one too be hurt ? My mom and dad did things but I didn't take it out on them and it was 13 of us. I believe it's because y'all are just some soft people and everything is hateful.
I'm a dad, I hope it's ok that I'm here. It's all very relevant to me too. Thank you🙏
Thank you for your comments! Yes, we're glad to have you in our TH-cam community! It's only my 1-on-1 coaching that I only work with moms, but I'm always happy if m y videos help moms and dads alike. I hope you continue finding my videos helpful, and I hope you find community and support from other dads here too. It's a struggle we all face, even if moms and dads handle things differently.
Same, 💯%. Ghosted by my adult kids (crushing, but who really cares... they don't) ~
I am a dad too. It is happening to me too. So much disrespect.
@@travisb1757 I'm VERY sorry, Travis. I wish i could offer you some sort of logic. Take care of yourself 🫂
If a child is triggered by you then you should learn how to communicate more compassionately with them. I like the phrase that she offered, “I’m sorry that what I did effected you so greatly.” You may not agree or recognize the hurt that was caused as a result of your own struggles or behaviors that occurred while your child’s brain and social emotional or somatic system was forming. Do some research on child development and parenting styles etc. Being defensive will only cause your adult-child to develop more resentment which is not going to help them in the long run.
You are more mature than the video creator.
Thank you your message healed me. Because of this nasty parents and elders. They don't even know what CEN mean. Just horrible.
So true. My mum always met any doubt, insecurity or nervousness with the cold shoulder, and once I understood that that's how she'd controlled me for decades, I became so incapable of containing my emotions around her. She has fucked me over but if she'd just stop gaslighting me we could rebuild something. It's awful to realise that your mother's most precious ''baby'' is her ego.
My son (who cut off communication with me a few days ago) would push my buttons/disrespect me until I react in a negative way, which then causes an argument…& then blame me by saying we always argue. I’ve been walking on eggshells around him for YEARS & it is exhausting. As sad as I am that our relationship has reached this point, I can’t be treated like this anymore. It is an emotionally abusive relationship with me being on the receiving end. When he cut me off, I apologized for things I said out of anger/frustration/hurt & just let him know I love him & wish him nothing but success & happiness. Now it’s time to focus on ME.
Sounds like you've gone through a lot; and also that you are ready for change! Reach out to me for a discovery call if you'd like to learn more about how I can help you!
calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
My son has done the same thing. Argue and blame everyone for his failures. I keep him at arms length and only talk to him when necessary. I love him because he’s my son but I do not like him as a person. Were my husband and I perfect parents? Not by a long shot but we definitely didn’t deserve the disrespect and name calling. Life’s too short to allow anyone, including your child, to destroy your life.
@@dannysgirl1549perhaps your kid realized that too and ejected you from his life
Just reading your response, I can tell that you are a self centered parent who always wants everything to be about you. He "frustrates you" and presses your "buttons" because whatever the matter is, it's not about YOU and thats why you become frustrated. Your last sentence says it all "Now it’s time to focus on ME." - This is always what you wanted and your son knows that.
He doesn’t deserve you . Live your life now. Don’t let him poison your life .
After years of filthy abuse from my 34 year old daughter, who said me she loved me one minute then called me most FILTHY names the next minute, I have stepped out of her life. She’s livid that I actually called the shot this time, not her, as she’s controlled me with guilt and I believed her. She has spat in my face several times. She’s had a good, stable upbringing, and she said the most beautiful words about her stepfather and me at her wedding. We were both in tears. We forgave her abuse so many times, but enough is enough. I now value myself as a good, kind person, and see her as unwell. I, unfortunately, don’t want to see her again.
Well done! Build a new life just for yourself! Be free!
They Won't Know, good for you. When others in your immediate family do not show you any respect, there is an option - the one that you have chosen - that is, to respect yourself. You simply move on....without them in your life. If they don't want to be around you and/or continually berate you, that is their choice. And so, you walk away and know peace in your life.
Guaranteed you deserve it!
@PUTIN ISSA PUZZY gee, and that coming from someone like you? Dirty grub.
Sounds as though the daughter has intermittent MH issues or maybe dabbling with drugs? Its her choice, Good for you!!
You are wrong. A lot of parents from the boomer and Gen x Era were abusive, dismissive and over bearing. Didn't want your children to be an individual. Narcissistic and only caring about image. I am a parent and I would never do what a lot of yall did to my kid. And have not done it to him. Shame that you're trying to make them feel better instead of holding their selves accountable.
Not all parents fall in that category. Some do! You're right. Feel free to move on if this doesn't apply to your life👍
So happy I am childfree. Never wanted kids. They annoy tf outta me. My mother was a covert narcissist who verbally and emotionally abused me for many years even as an adult. I recently went no contact and cutting her out of my life was the best decision I ever made. I still mourn her but I realized I mourn the person I should she was or could/should have been to me, not who she actually is. I got no friends or family in this country and I’m all alone. It’s painful as hell but as an INTJ and growing up learning to be independent even as a child, taught me to be self sufficient and not rely on anyone.
You became a narc also. How sad…
@@BeneGesseritSaya I’m not a narc. You don’t even know me. You think you can just judge others from some comment you read? How shallow of you. Says a lot about YOU. Your comment only shows exactly what YOU are. :)
@@BeneGesseritSayafacts...
@@BeneGesseritSaya what a trashy thing to say to someone pouring their heart out.
You don’t know this person and you should be ashamed.
I can just imagine what a lovely mother you are.
There are times we do what we do to protect our heart. Being lonely has to definitely be hard, I hear what you’re saying, but sometimes the alternatives are no better.
Your comment about adult children needing a target to blame for their own shortcomings sounds horribly tone deaf. My father and his wife (not my mother) abused me psychologically, emotionally, and physically, but when she and I had a conversation about it, she blamed me for my attitude and told me that I had hurt my father. Neither of them has ever acknowledged their roles in my mental health struggles, and I don’t need a target to blame for anything I’ve done wrong in my life. They are the two people who traumatized me so severely that I’m still working through it twenty years later. Parents, please listen to your children with an open mind instead of assuming that you know what they’re feeling.
You are SOO right, Parents do need to listen, really listen, we learn so much that way. Im sorry you had such a horrible situation.
I'm so angry and sick if the verbal abuse I feel so used and thrown away I know they just don't want to help me in my older age I told my daughter's I had a heart attack and they just rolled their eyes ! I can't imagine treating my parents or children this way I'm absolutely heartbroken and bullied by my own kids! Well I'm to the point I wish I never had kids at all I'm angry with myself I sacrficied my life and all my money to take care if them and now that I'm getting older they do t give a damn if I'm dead or alive ! If so wine told me this would happen I wouldn't have believed it just so aggravating listening to the crap and rewriting history to justify the abuse I've had enough I've gave them cars and clothes and trips and done without and worked two jobs to take care of them I did it without help or child support yet they talk to their father who never gave them a dime ! It really unbelievable I mean if someone told me this I wouldn't even believe it one if the girls was diagnosed BPD the other two won't get help about bedtime they wake me up to start in on me I'm praying but it's really getting to the point I want to just give up and walk away and leave the country and start all over
Thank you for your comment, Marie, and I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. :( If you want to set up a call, you can check out my scheduling link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! www.sally-harris.com/work-with-me
Same, minus the heart attack. You have to cut all ties with them and look for a new family and build a new life just for yourself. Enjoy the rest of your life as well as you can. Be free!
Exactly my life!
Who had who - you or your daughter? It seems there's a lot of parents whose refusal to take responsibility for your own actions, has come back to bite you in the ass. That sucks but thats not our problem.
Exactly my life also . I'm so sad. 😢
“Parenting does not have a manual” is often used as a cover for poor parenting. Though some kids may deviate from the norm, enough studies show that how you bring up your child, their surrounding, you and your relations have the greatest influence of a child. A child whose parents does drug has a higher risk of doing drugs compared to those whose parents did not. Please underline higher risk. Society often thrusts us into parenthood when so many of us are poorly equipped. I know a mom who did everything for her children, the sacrifices she made were immense but boy wasn’t she abusive. I as a child saw them left naked outside for failing exams on cold nights, the beatings were inhumane. The boys turned out okay but the psychological damage was immense. So, “we all make mistakes” should not used by parents as their mistakes are often reverberated for generations. Yes, everyone should approach parenthood with a bit of apprehension, as it’s one of the most important things you can do.
While I agree with you that the phrase "parenting does not have a manual" can be misused, I disagree that it means all parents who made mistakes were abusive. There are so many parents who set their children up for success with no history of abuse, drug use, etc., and the children still choose that life. And since we're all human, mistakes come with that, on the parents' parts and on the children's parts; no one is exempt.
Thank you for your comment, and I hope you found my video helpful, even in a small way.
If you require a "manual" to be a good parent, chances are you're probably not a very good person.
Honestly, this video contains egregious advice.
If an adult child has gone to the lengths of recognizing that a parent is to blame for their circumstances, then it's time for the parent to "be the adult" and start owning where and how they fucked up. No one is perfect, especially children, but parents always have a mindset of them being correct by default-which is important in maintaining stability as an authoritative figure in a developing child's life-but not so great when an adult child can think for themselves and recognizes the parent as a legitimate source of harm and damage.
This is not about being calm, cordial, or any of that BS…this is about owning your mistakes and admitting without any doubt that you can be and were WRONG. If a child can recognize your negative parental behaviors, it's time to put away the pride, accept the shame, listen with empathy, and listen without interruption to the child's perspective.Here's a secret to life and relationships: People who accept their faults are ultra-respected. People who refuse to accept blame, get given it regardless. The ability to refuse blame is never actually in your control. (VERY IMPORTANT LIFE SKILL TO REMEMBER)
So be the "bigger person" (whatever that means) and own your faults as a parent-OR-end up languishing away in a nursing home as narcissistic asshole, it's really your choice.
Iokvideos, thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it. In some situations, the adult children are abusive and dangerous to others and themselves.
It's difficult to speak to every single different circumstance that exists, and that's not what I'm trying to do. However, that runs the risk of alienating other people's different experiences, and I apologize if I made you feel that way. In these videos, I am speaking from my personal experience and discussing what to do when parents have done everything to be loving, compassionate, and supportive, and their child still continues to reject that.
@@theartzscientist8012 honor them while they abuse you to death? When the law doesn't help you at all, it's your right to revolt.
uh, I think anybody on this thread has tried that....it's 2 way street. I'm glad my son finally spoke up. He sure fooled me for many years & he blames me for that. Now I want to own it, I want to hear him & empathize & finally know what's in his heart & he blames me for making it all about me & being a victim by wanting to take up his time to do it. And he's not a victim & making it all about him?
Raising a child is not an exact science BUT that does not excuse the lack of ownership a parent has for the choices they made. A parent can’t fix the relationship with their kids if they don’t acknowledge what the kid is feeling. You would be surprised what an adult child will forgive or let go if if a parent actually hears what is being said. I really don’t like you whole premise you have put forward is that the kid is venting only because they have problems in their life and they need someone to blame. You clearly are not skilled enough to talk about such a complex issue and family dynamics.
Feel free to find other advice! I only share what has worked for me❤️
I agree!! Especially with your last point.
Ok yeah. This is why I had to go back & listen to this. You said how you all always justify & defend. That’s the problem! Again, you not seeing or acknowledging how you cause this…….problem. That’s why you’re not getting anywhere. You’re victimizing the child again. When U (the parent) had the self-righteousness of it being how you wanted. And we were adolescent & couldn’t protect ourselves. That was your time THEN. But now that we are full fledge grown ITS NO LONGER ABOUT HOW, WHAT, WHY you did what u did. It’s was wrong! And now as adults, we can better respond to it! It’s our turn now to express our response to your actions. We don’t care about your explanation about why u did it. That’s irrelevant! Your part of the show is over! Just like you didn’t care about seeing things from our perspective when your superiority-complex took control as the parent. I’m not being mean or hateful at all towards u. I am on team victimized child. I hope my post helps u a little bit to UNDERSTAND that u gotta go back & assess what u did wrong. How you could have gone about things better. A big compass to help u do this is LISTENING to the frustrations of what the adult child is saying. Otherwise, you’ll never truly have peace about it. You’ll just exist in the shadow.
Thank you for you input and I respectfully disagree.
it's strange to say "We don’t care about your explanation about why u did it." After apologizing and seeing the pain from the adult child's POV, the parent should absolutely have the chance to explain their frame of mind or what went into the ill conceived decision. They still see it was a mistake, they are still genuinely sorry. But the adult child, like the parent, still needs to grow in understanding, tolerance and acceptance, or they aren't "growing" as a human being. When I told my parents what hurt me, they listened and explained their thinking - it helped me understand them as people, and allowed us to keep each other in each other's lives, as full adults. Sometimes our parents "flaws" are flawed adaptations for their own survival.
The one and only time I blamed my mother she called it abuse.
The one time my son blamed me, I said sorry.
- If you want to change, but you aren’t sure where to start, schedule a quick call at the following link to see how I can help you! calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min. I’d love to talk with you about your experience and situation.
💗💗💗
Generational evolution. Each generation has more skills and information than the previous generation. Whether or not they tap into that and evolve their behavior depends on the individual, so good on you 💌
I hear you. I am a single parent and my son is 17 and living with a male relative at the moment. But when he wants to talk I AM HERE TO LISTEN to him. My mother on the other hand, she threw herself up on the cross when I asked if I could give her feedback (around not calling me sensitive/paranoid). Also, once I asked her not to do something, twice, with witnesses, and she went ahead and did it anyway! She was so angry with me when I asked her why she had done that.
Oh well your just wonderful then I guess
“The best way to rid yourself of the feeling of that is _” ??? Why are we trying to rid ourselves of the feeling of this? How about looking introspectively and deciding if we really were bad parents? Yeah, that’s uncomfortable. Turns out life isn’t comfortable. Narcissists love comfort though, so I get it
Most are very hard on themselves and see clearly how they fell short.
As the adult child in one of these situations, what would make a difference is a real apology that acknowledges what actually happened, what the impact on me and our family actually was (rather than denying/brushing it off), and commits (with follow-up behaviours that demonstrate real intent) to changing the patterns going forward. THAT would be worth being vulnerable again. Otherwise, it's a "bite me yet again, shame on me" analysis.
Thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it.
@@sallyharriscoachbut you are denying personal responsibility. You don't need to be making videos. You need to be doing the things to repair the damaged relationship with your child. The fact that you are making videos just shows you don't really get it and are not truly repentant or taking responsibility. You are being intellectually dishonest. You know nothing about these other people so why would you make these videos? Your relationship is broken why are you making these videos? If you'd taken responsibility as you say you have you would have a relationship and wouldn't be here making these videos.
May I ask a question? I have said that im sorry, however I dont understand what im sorry for. My daughter just said to stay away that im toxic. How do i deal with this? Its been 10 years now and i still don't understand why im toxic! Now she is having her first child and i get a letter from a lawyer telling me not to contact her in any way shape or form and i am not allowed to ask about her from friends or family. Im blown away.
@@karenm6887 sounds like karma! You reap what you sow love 💋
Karen, Very sorry to hear what you are going through 🫂 ~
No it did not help. I have always apologized for anything I have done and that really made them play on my guilt
I haven't heard one person say to sincerely listen to what they say and acknowledge your child's hurt.
Has this been your experience?
Why do our children expect us to be perfect when they are not,no one is.
Yes,Ive made some mistakes and Ive admitted those and have done many things to make amends and changed for the better.
Everything Ive done or failed to do was done while wanting my children to have their best life and striving to always do that.
Oh well,I made some mistakes. But,my children never went hungry or went without whatever they needed because of me.
If one of my children wants to hang my mistakes over my head and punish me with emotional cruelty,so be it.
Its better they just stay away and continue to keep my Grandchildren away if they feel that badly about me.
You cant change the past and I never thought I was hurting my child,Im a good person and did my best.
My advice...stay away and get some counseling.
As a daughter, it’s interesting to hear from the parents perspective and I like a lot of the ideas you share in this video. I understand your channel is dedicated to kids who are more disrespectful and have a bad spirit to them, but just to put it out there, it may be a good idea to seriously confront the question if the child’s complaints are just or not. I’m sure there are situations in which they are not, but in the name of communication and understanding, evaluating if the the child’s grievances are on some level “genuine” is important if there is a large level of misunderstanding. I say this because as a child who may have made her mother feel like a bad parent around the time I became an adult, i didn’t (don’t) have the tools to communicate with her how I’m unsatisfied with our relationship. Becoming an adult gave me the independency to reevaluate our relationship and the ability to freely state (even though the words are sometimes choppy) that sometimes I am also uncomfortable, and that I’m allowed to have boundaries as well. I think if the conflict arises around adulthood, I’d consider entertaining a certain level of compassion for the idea that your child only now feels like they’re able to express grievances with you. I’m sure for many this is not the case, but in my situation I’m not sure my mom would understand my complaints to be derived from genuine, lifelong experiences that i only now realize cause me distress. Hopefully if you are “the bigger person” and offer respect to them, your child will be able to see that you are willing to work with them and respect you in turn.
Thank you for your comment. The mothers I work with do take the time to be introspective and take responsibility for times they were wrong or have done harm. They are encouraged to listen and hear the perspective and experiences that their adult children have experienced.
I agree, I'm also here as a daughter, looking to see what advice is given to mothers and I feel that my mother would watch this and what she'd take from it would be that there are other perfect mothers out there like herself and she needs to have better boundaries around me. She's been giving me the silent treatment for years because I asked her to listen to some feedback. She went nuts. It wasn't even criticism of her. Just a request that she stop casually labelling me paranoid and sensitive. But she cannot take feedback. I realise now, when I was growing up, calling me sensitive disguised her lack of patience and empathy. And now that I'm an adult that sees the dysfunction, giving me the silent treatment and labelling me aggressive for trying to talk, well that disguises her complete inability to have a conversation where she miiiiiight have to acknowledge that the facts of the matter are not what she has told herself they are.
If you want to be happy, do not marry and do not have children. (Famous chinese proverb)
Totally agree.
You have to listen to what your kid is saying to you. An empty apology might defuse the situation a few times, but it’s just a band-aid on a gaping wound.
Wounds do take time to heal! Sincere apologies are the important piece, absolutely and alot of listening.
What if you don't know what you are apologising for?
@@cathyfulford593 then fucking figure it out
@@Johnny-mp2ew there's the disrespect
You are supposed to fall on the floor at your adult child’s feet, confess all your sins and apologize repeatedly for 20 years. Won’t work. But that’s what they want you to do…just like when you’re in a cult. ; )
Side Bar: Example...You can have TWO Children and They BOTH...will see ..YOU...As TWO DIFFERENT!!😳... Parents to them..😳...
GOOD 🙏Or NOT SO GOOD🙏....And All In Between 🙏... Don't Stress...It's Natural.🙏😊
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Children Ollwaves Set Us Up Unintentionally to make us feel the Exact Same way that wee have been making them feel that r a mirror focus on what eu can do differently to change the way that eu now knoe that eu r making them feel instead of asking the Reflection in the mirror to change
Who exactly is/was abusive? Who do you believe? You need to do some investigation before you take sides. There are in fact all kinds of examples of abusive parents. If it's true, being called out for it is warranted even prosecuted by law.
Hello socksumi, thank you for your insight! I agree, these situations are far more complicated than can be covered in a ten-minute video. There are abusive parents out there, although I'm not talking about abusive parents specifically in this video. However, I am not in any way condoning abuse of any kind, so yes, please take stock of the individual situation.
@@asill.6668 Or maybe you should accept that abused parents exist, and that being the "child" does not automatically mean they are always the poor victim, and if you really want to open your eyes as in educate yourself, read some news on children who killed their parents. But I bet you will say the parents surely deserved it. Yeah, we all go around and kill all the people who did something to us, whatever it was. I mean, going by how normal it has become to tell people on the internet to kys, and some people are actually so depressed they do it...
@@asill.6668 Also, did you not understand that this channel is focussing on the not spoken about side of parents with abusive children? Why do you think you have the right to tell any youtuber which videos they should make and that they are not allowed to make videos on the topic they want to make videos on? Are you used to getting your way? Are your parents perhaps enabling you instead of teaching you that the world does not revolve around you? Do you perhaps call it abuse when your parents say no to you? Also, when a child is defiant it does not mean that the parents abused the child. Abused children are often extremely quiet and obedient, and children who get spoiled, praised too much, get not told no often enough, turn out defiant. Have a nice day!
My daughter said that too but she is a horrible parent. She said terrible things to my granddaughter. She wouldn't let her go anywhere and made her clean and do laundry for 5 people when she was little. She needs to look in the mirror because I never treated her like she treats her daughter. I walked away after the kids got older because I couldn't handle her insults and yelling. I do have a kind, caring son and we get along really good.
I don't think all parents are as excellent at parenting since it is very, very hard.
If your child points out some things you did that were not beneficial or perhaps even hurtful to them, then it may be worth it to listen and spot the hidden need(s).
It may seem comforting to think you didn't do anything wrong but acting dismissive is indeed not the solution.
5:04 "Even if you know the facts of that whole situation and you disagree, all of that it doesn't matter." - in other words: lying.
This is a classical trick of the ego as to maintain an air of superiority over the other person, as if to say: "I am above all this childish unconsciousness."
I can tell from experience that such a half-assed apology is going to be experienced as deceptive or possibly even a kind of power move.
I have yet to see anything useful come out of such fake apologies.
Yeah, my mom put me in a position when I was 17 that basically put me in a downward spiral. Not letting me leave the house, leaving out pills and alcohol, etc. She seems to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and wants me as a kid to take responsibility for everything that happened. There seems to be a lot of narcasim talk in this comment section against the kid but really it seems like parents are that way more than anything.
@@dcbeats1624 Every situation is different. No one should be judging anyone. No one is perfect.
@@ellyk8834 You missed the point of not every situation is the same. Abuse comes in many forms and to each person what abuse is, is different.
I agree. Fake apologies are good for nothing and if they happen too often, they become really annoying and offensive.
She's not talking about abusive parents. I think its more the blaming the parent s because they were poor and didn't get them everything example. Or something else that comes from a selfish place, or remembering something from a childs perspective who doesn't know everything or doesn't understand certain situations fully.
My mother has been emotionally, mentally and physically abusive to me. She won’t ever recognize that and denies it. I’m sorry but sometimes videos like this give actual toxic parents ammunition to continue and validate their behaviour.
Preach girl
Every situation is different and I am very sorry this is your experience.
Completely agree. I've been completely consumed reading through the comments, almost dumbstruck. I have no doubt some parents are genuinely living through deep pain with their adult children. But wow - I've seen so much dysfunctional psychology in most of the parental comments. On the other side of many of them is an adult child, like you, who feels destroyed by the parental choices. So sorry for what you had to endure.
Word
This seems to be a big trend about adult child disrepecting their parents. Im done wuth it and found peace with it and now im addicted to my solitude.i did my best ,made alit of mistakes but they'll get it whgen they have kids of their own eventually.
Hi Sally, really thoughtful advice. As painful as it is, it's worse being judged and blamed by someone I thought was a friend; someone whom I entrusted with being a contact point with my daughter when I was truly worried. The condemnation from this person who has spent a lifetime hating her own mother, and blame she laid at my door was utter betrayal. I took the path of least resistance with my daughter, I apologised, and now she's upped the ante by going silent after bouts of re-engagement. She seems to be playing a game. And I don't want to play anymore.
I'm in a never-ending game with mine too, I'm done playing 😢
@@TeresaOverholt-ky1ct I am now fully re-engaged with my daughter. I was truly at the point of no return but I am back now, to the fun and loving connection we had earlier. I have learned what not to do - and also, what to do. Take care, step back but don't give up. 💙
@@tracyneal532 I'll never give up on my son 🙏 I know I have to give him room but he's in a very dangerous situation and if I just let this go, I'm afraid of what could happen to him at the hands of this rotten evil guy he's renting a room from
They are right you are a bad parent
My mom used to treat me like crap as a kid she used to beat me and mentally abuse me all my life. Because of her I will never ever trust another women again , and I will never ever give her grandchildren ! Her pride is more important than her relationship with her children! Well the day death takes her let her evil pride go with her as well .
Thank you for your comment Jerry, and I'm sorry to hear about your experience. :( I am definitely not condoning or defending abusive parenting in any way. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
Get help
I'm sorry you went through that. You don't have to trust the majority of women but just know that not every woman is a snake and they're humans just like you. Just keep your guard up for everyone tho, people in general these days can be snakes. I hope you can move on from your trauma and free yourself from your past demons
I had abusive and neglectful parents and it took me til my 50s to forgive them. Forgiveness helped me heal. I don’t condone the pain they caused but I now see my own parents were abused too.
Healing is so possible.
You’re so worth it. You deserve to love yourself.
My mom is the same. ESTJ Karens.
Some commenters want to shove this issue & blame onto parents, & I assure them that they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about. And with their deep ignorance of reality that have the gall to tell parents to fix it w/ an apology. That suggestion is beyond laughable. The common place know-it-alls actually know absolutely zero about the parents, & the circumstances and even less about the estranged adult child.
I’m only three minutes in but so far seems all the same. At any point do you consider to tell other mums to first actually sit and think to themselves ‘are they right? Could I have done anything differently at the time? What can we do to help make things different down the line?’ Or is at all just geared at straight away validating the parent and alienating the child?
Like what do you advise a mother who has disowned her daughter for arguing with her in the street, told her she was playing the victim after struggling with sexual abuse at the hands of her mothers husband, refused to offer any support with the daughters grandkids, but helped all her other kids with literally everything! lost her daughters house keys and still sent her on her way to sleep on the street with two kids refusing to accommodate them after leaving them locked out of their house, ridicules her over potential mental health problems, complains that daughter doesn’t visit but then when daughter does she leaves feeling way worse about herself than beforehand.
Should I be sitting here as her daughter blaming myself for being born because my mam didn’t want kids and then had to marry my dad so my grandad wasn’t angry, should I be blaming myself that my dad abused me or that I have mental health problems. Should I be blaming myself that my mother would rather support my brother who has been done for indecent images than the daughter which has suffered abuse and life long problems. Am I a toxic daughter?
Thank you for your comment! You're right, unfortunately toxic parents do exist, and I think toxic people of all ages act similarly. In these videos, I'm talking about children who are not from circumstances with toxic parents, but still end up being toxic through varied circumstances (including by the consequences of their own choices). For children dealing with toxic parents, I've seen lots of resources and support systems out there, so I hope you are able to find the support you need! And if any of my video is applicable to your situation (just with titles reversed), I hope it's helpful to you.
I guess any adult blaming someone else, whether a parent, family or friends, has not reached the emotiinal intelligence level. Blaming causes your life to turn into bitterness and weakens your strength climbing any mountain to the top. Instead of achieving the feeling of self worth, your entire life is built on destroying the womb that you came from. Most parents have a natural human love for their children. It is human instinct to take care of a baby around the clock, seeing it through todler years. We feed these todlers, provide their nourishment, make sure they are clothed and are healthy. See to their education....pay school fees ect....retrospect most parents have a huge task in rearing their children. Some children are sometimes influenced at school or varcity where they associate with others who practise bad habits ie. Drugs. How can a child ever blame a parent for his own choices made, after being educated at home regarding drugs. The entire blamimg sessions are based on sometimes self inlicted harm and disobedience.
Parents are humans but their lack of awareness causes rippling pain. When the ego is challenged, parents will try to validate their side with yt videos and communities. And because they are so desperate for validation, they were never able to validate their children
Thank you for your comment.
I see this too. I'm troubled by many of the comments I've read; I suspect a fair proportion of the adult child offspring being discussed are out there feeling bereft and traumatised themselves. Ego defences break families.
With all due respect, by default you've excluded 50% of the equation.
I have offered several times to go to therapy with my daughter to help better things between us and she refused. She has quit talking to me.
All you can do is offer that.
If your adult child is telling you you were a bad parent and left them with serious psychological damage you need to sit down and do some self-reflection for once in your life because that is probably the exact reason you messed up your child so bad. Period. Humble yourself. """""defiant adult kids""""" just that phrase makes me nauseous. Victim-blamey af. They are an adult so to say it like that is just patronizing and condescending. Too many adult children have been seriously messed up by their parents and that deserves attention, not more invalidation.
Thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it. In some situations, the adult children are abusive and dangerous to others and themselves.
It's difficult to speak to every single different circumstance that exists, and that's not what I'm trying to do since that runs the risk of alienating other people's different experiences. In these videos, I am speaking from my personal experience and discussing what to do when parents have done everything to be loving, compassionate, and supportive, and their child still continues to reject their efforts.
Adult kids never want you to reciprocate and tell then where they went wrong! I just say *Yes I was a bad mom.. a good mom... a so so mom and we as humans are flawed and you'll be flawed too!* And I see all the places my daughter goes wrong w her kids and I do believe karma is real😂
You wouldn’t struggle with this if you didn’t know you messed up.
We all mess up in our lives and relationships. We are working towards healing and better relationships.
@@sallyharriscoachyeah, and so do felons. “Everyone makes mistakes” doesn’t heal traumatized children, it just gives people an excuse to not change and accept that they did wrong.
The problem I have when there are issues that come up I start telling my daughter how I feel and she says why do you always make it about yourself.
Omg my sons do the same thing!
Oh wow! Same here! I wrote a 2 page letter owning up to my mistakes and apoligizing and the response I got? "This isn't about you!".
Just accused of the same thing today.
Same! I’m going to start being silent and just agree.
Ditto, always turning a conversation to me being victim. Over it.
Show Empathy to your children.
Do you need to be right……or do you want to have a good relationship? Admit when you’re WRONG we are humans and fallible, so admit when you make a mistake.
And treat them how YOU want to be treated, you treat them like children when they are grown adults we are going to push back.
But also self reflect, if you act that way….your kid is going to act that way….where do you think they LEArNED it?
I did admit that I was wrong and sobbed to her how sorry I was and how I didn’t want her to experience the same pain that I went through - she responded with ‘Any minute now, you will break’. I put her on a plane the next night hoping my ex ( not her father, but her father figure) would straighten her out, nope! She was still in Touch with the boyfriend and they had two weeks to plot against me. Tried to involve my federal job?! Discredit me within the community?! I finally had to kick her out because she was making my life a living hell. It is a complete nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I spent my whole life making sure she was getting what I could provide to make her happy- but making her empathetic and compassionate… it all backfired.
@@claireschuler1219luckily I just let my mom be and did not retaliate against her, but you learned you can’t control another being and the harder you push them in one direction the harder some will go the other
We are our OWN human beings, we came from our mothers but we aren’t our mothers
Giving humans choices is how you empower them and spell out the consequences of said choices……let them choose their fate.
In some cases the adult child becomes more persistent and grows more and more disrespectful in light of a parent’s apologies. The adult child puts the mother in between themselves and the world, even responsibilities of the child in regards to the outer world. The adult child continues the relationship with the apologetic parent because it insulates them from dealing with the scary world out there. And if the parent is continually willing to play that middleman and apologize for “what they’ve done wrong” in dealing with the outer world as a representative of the adult child it seems to me there must be a different approach that needs to be taken. It becomes a situation where the parent is enslaved by the demanding adult child. Especially when a situation arises where the adult child doesn’t want to bear the burden of possibly being wrong. The adult child can use the parent (have the parent make decisions based on the adult child’s behalf) to make some decisions that relieve the child of the possibility of being wrong.
Yes, every situation is different for sure..
I don't even care anymore, Did the best I could and feel I did above what a single parent could, it's called daughter in law, and not having a son who can stand up to his wife ... Over it😊
😂😂😂 your not alone
In four days, I will be eighteen. What I desire most is to leave my parents as soon as possible, and only talk to them once a year, if that. I know my mother will be all like “how could you do this to me,” “you are so ungrateful,” “you are heartless,” “your dad and I did so much for you.” She will tell me that no mother is perfect, and she tried her best. She will remind me that her parents treated her so much worse than she treated me. She will talk about authority, and how parents must always be respected. She will bring up her abusive brother and his stepson who apparently still “loves” his parents despite the abuse, as if loving abusive parents is something I should strive to do. She will act like I should give her brownie points for not being an outright abusive parent.
Except she is.
Most of the time, she acts like a nice mother. She tries to hug me all the time, she tries to talk to me, she tells me how much she loves me. But whenever an argument starts or I do something she doesn’t like, she starts telling me I’m a terrible person. I carry plates in a way she doesn’t like? I’m a narcissistic psychopath. I eat an extra meatball because I’m hungry? I’m selfish, and entitled beyond belief. I dare try to split food evenly? I’m petty and selfish.
When I was ten, I thought I was a monster because she told me so. It took such a long time for me to realize that that’s not the case. But she’s still trying to convince me of that. Just yesterday, she went on a long tirade about how I have no empathy and am self-centred because I didn’t ask her why she was up at the middle of the night. Why would I even ask such a thing? She’s an adult, it’s none of my business. And then literally a few hours later she expects me to be okay with it. She gets angry at me for treating her coldly. It’s like she’s allowed to say the worst things possible to me, but I’m not allowed to react to it.
We have done the whole “talk things over” thing before. She apologized “if she ever hurt me” and said “I always tried to be a good parent”. But I know those are lies. She isn’t actually sorry. You know how I know? Whenever I bring up an actual bad thing she did, she justifies it. I bring up an example of her gaslighting me, and she doubles down. So, apparently she’s sorry for everything, but she’s not willing to actually admit to doing anything wrong... ha ha ha...
Whenever she “apologizes”, instead of actually focusing on my pain, she instead tries to minimize it by focusing on her bad childhood and other bad households. Because of that, I’ve given up. When I do actually leave my parents, I will probably not even bother explaining anything to her. An extra second spent on her is a second wasted imao.
I know my mother will watch videos like these, trying to “cope with an adult child leaving them” and “an adult child blaming them for problems.” She will remain deluded that she was a good parent, and keep repeating her mantra of “I did my best” and “everyone makes mistakes”. Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone makes their child spend years feeling like shit. Not everyone’s child has no memory of ever loving their parents. Just because abuse isn’t visible doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Abuse isn’t just beatings and neglect. You don’t need to be an asshole 99% of the time to traumatize your child. Sometimes, 1% is enough.
Hi... as I read your post I realized how much your story of your mother sounds like that of the mother I have. You see I said have, not had.
So I am much older than you... But I can relate to most of what you said.
You said “feeling of a child that never loved their mother”, I have been there. In my case she had a sharp abusive tone with me and I had a very rebellious nature and so there were always collisions in our daily interaction with other. We had and have huge personality issues.
I know right now it may feel like it is hopeless to have any kind of a relationship with your mother... but I would encourage you to at least try family counseling/ therapy with your mother or parents and see if you can resolve some issues between you and possibly learn to have a new relationship with them/her. At least give it a chance and a time frame...
And see if you can create a better relationship with some boundaries. And learn to put the past behind you.
I am no counselor or expert. Just someone who has walked down a similar path.
Of course you can decide what is best for you and your situation.
It takes time to build or rebuild a relationship of any kind.
You sound like a really smart and intelligent young person. Take your time with decisions about things that could become something permanent.
It’s just sometimes it takes a neutral person 3rd party to get two people to talk and resolve their issues. If you are willing to give it a try that is. It’s still up to you.
Take care of yourself and good luck.
Do you & your parents a favor DONT give them your MERCY visit ONCE a year
If you hate them that much leave & say I don’t want to see you again PERIOD
I’m going to go visit them once a year ......please
@@Kwood10 very true. I told mine I didnt want to see them anymore and they obliged for the most part. Effective at getting better because them not being around and me not having to look at them is giving me space to think and understand
sounds cluster b as hell. get out of there and get safe.
Just because you try and be a good parent doesn’t mean you are … I think of that for myself as a parent . Sucks … effort doesn’t always mean success. Praying you you and your families healing.
Once you are 18 you are on your own. The mistakes you make are yours. Own them, learn, and move on. Grow up. Your parents have their elide to lead. Not yours.
It's not that black & white normally.
Every decision I made I made for my child. I did attachment parenting, never harsh discipline, extremely rare to have anything resembling harsh tone, gave up so much… but she’s taken things I’ve said in the wrong way, and to heart. Only finding out now in her teens.
I thought we were a tight team but she blames me so much & is so pained that she can’t wait to leave home! It’s turned my world upside down.
I pray it gets resolved for you❤️
Thats really sad. Hope realization comes sooner than later.
There is a lie in the introduction. The title shouldn’t be about an unsuccessful adult. People are really suffering from toxic parenting!!! Girl the nerve
Thank you for your comment! You're right, unfortunately toxic parents do exist, and I think toxic people of all ages act similarly. In these videos, I'm talking about children who are not from circumstances with toxic parents, but still end up being toxic through varied circumstances (including by the consequences of their own choices). For children dealing with toxic parents, I've seen lots of resources and support systems out there, so I hope they find the support they need!
Oh my. My NPD mother sent this to me because I cut her out of my life years ago. Like this video is going to make her abuse disappear. If you are a good mother I feel bad for you guys. My mother is not guilty of ever being a good mother. And for those who might come at me. Is it normal for a mother who is the mistress of a married man to harass her 15-year-old virginal daughter to get pregnant by this man so she wouldn’t have get her tubes untied? That’s who my mother is.
Thank you for your comment!
It's true that toxic people come in all ages, and that there are toxic parents just like there are toxic children. And you're right, my channel is directed toward parents who've done their best and whose children are making bad choices that lead to defiant or toxic behavior. I hope things go well for you and that you can find support!
Watching my mom be crazy my whole childhood then divorce raping my dad I will never talk to her again. The only thing good about my mom was not to trust women. Not all women are bad or crazy but it not worth the risk. I would not talk to my mom for all the money in the world.
Thank you for comment! I understand where you're coming from, and it is not my intention in these videos to deny personal responsibility. I have been speaking more to the parents who *have* done everything they can to be loving and compassionate, and about the children who reject it.
My Mom used to tell me I never promised you a rose garden. Maybe I'll have to use the same comeback.
I've already apologized for not being a perfect parent and even for not staying in an abusive relationship with my son's dad. So my getting out of it caused the chaos. I gave them love and attention, while he ignored them. But I'm the bad guy.
I didn't blame my parents even tho they didn't raise me.
My kids are almost 40, but I always wanted a loving relationship with a mate and my family. It just didn't work out that way.
Thank you for your comment! I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, that is so difficult. :( If you want to set up a call, you can check out my scheduling link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! www.sally-harris.com/work-with-me
The same thing happened to me. My ex abused me verbally and emotionally. I could not stay married to him.
@@elizabethmcleod246
Same here. I left a 20 year marriage after he became too toxic, controlling and verbally abusive to live with. I was never more vulnerable or scared in my life. I literally left with nothing but a suitcase and notified my daughter where I was going amd kept in touch with her the whole time.
My adult, married with children (who never had time for me) daughter, who was not related to my husband, picked that moment to tell me I was a horrible parent and grandparent who was abandoning HER!
Its been over 4 years now, and she has escalated to more ridiculous but vague accusations. I have to let her go because it was killing me. 💔
@@themousethatroared3371 ohh so sorry to hear I have to let go to Because i am getting so sick of it Really sick
One thing I think I see as pattern is that I always tended to accept blame and blame myself, seek in everything going wrong where my part in it was, because without doing that, how can you make a change and learn from it. People who do not want to blame themselves pick up on it and put all their blame on you too. And the scapegoat for everyone is created. Now I decided to not carry their load anymore. They can talk whatever they want where I cant see or hear it. We have no more contact. I grew up being pushed around in an abusive family, and I mean all types of abuse. All I wanted in life was a loving family, and I thought I can reliably get that by marrying and having children myself. Well, it did not work out. It went really bad and everything fell apart. Now I have no contact with any of my family anymore. It is typical that the mother is blamed and the father is unscathed, as my children explained, nothing can be expected from the father anyway. I did the same with my mother, I blamed her for not protecting me. But she is the complete opposite of me as a mother. Or I became the opposite. It hurts that my children treated me like that while I have yet to even use one bad word against my mother. Well, life is not fair, and we all make mistakes. Seems I have to let all of them go now and build a new life just for myself.
I just want to read the comments. What is wrong with this site?
Thank you for this video. It was so helpful. I don’t feel so alone and sad and beaten down by her words. Extravagant lies that never happened. Where does that come from. I’m looking forward to booking a call with you when she isn’t around. Thank you again for your compassion and expertise!
I have never felt a pain like this in my life. I literally felt my heart break. I'm going to try the 'truce' method. I'm praying it helps. I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.
Thank you for your comment. Finding a support system during this time is crucial, If you'd like to learn more about mine, you can reach out to me here- calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
I have been dealing with this for about two and a half months… it is the worst pain. Truly.
lots of parents need to get a life after their children are gone....raising your kids isnt a career
I’m sorry but it is what it is some people were bad parents and they have to be real with themselves . I’m not saying they are BAD PEOPLE but it’s okay to admit you weren’t a good parent🤷🏾♀️
So when is it enough? When is it good enough? Never having been a parent I didn’t know the first thing about parenting but I did know I loved my daughter more than anything in this world. I made sure she knew I loved her and was proud of her always. My efforts went into making sure she always felt wanted and safe. Tha she was in a decent environment, fed well, plenty of toys, cloths, puppies, kittens, hugs and good friends (who always chose to hang out in our house). No anger and yelling, no hitting, no name calling.
It’s still not enough. It’s just never enough.
Every situation is different and most parents fall in the latter category.
My daughter was such a sweet child when she was young. We were happy. Now that she's a teen, suddenly she says hateful things to me all the time, nothing is good enough for her. I try to meet her in the middle and she ends up taking five steps back. I've tried counseling, but she just cusses at the counselor and hurls insults. I'm scared for her future because she is mean to everyone she meets and does not want to go to school or when she does go, she has a bad attitude and gets thrown out of class. I don't know what happened, I asked her if something bad happened to her and she just says no, she just hates me and likes it when I'm sad.
All I hope for is that she is able to take care of herself when she's an adult. Even if she never wants to talk to me again, as long as she's ok, that's all I can ask for.
You are a good mother. It's a case of "why good people suffer".
In this instance I’m on your side. Most likely your daughter hates something about her life and is struggling with something so she’s lashing it out on you.
Maybe try an exorcist, talk to a priest. I’m not kidding.
Don’t compare your daughter to how she was when she was little. I’m telling you as a 19 going on 20 year old myself, when my parents say that, it makes me feel like they only liked me back then because i was obedient, naive, and cuter.
My mother used to ask me where the sweet child she used to have went.
Well, when I told her what her husband was doing to me, she told me ( in the sweetest, most reasonable singsong voice ever)" That's just how your father plays." And then proceeded to start overseeing his sessions of "play" bringing her knitting and sitting in a rocking chair while she watched.
When I went to school with my hair in huge knots with obvious cavities in my teeth in the first and second grades, "it's your own fault for not brushing your teeth/hair" I did not have a hair brush or toothbrush.
When she made me sit on the floor at the foot of her bed for hours and hours while she told me what a POS I was, and held me accountable for everything that had ever gone wrong in her life while she made me rub her feet the whole time.
Then she had the temerity to wonder what happened to the sweet child she used to have. I went no contact and never saw her again after 1998.
Yes my child blames me for EVERYTHING
His dad did NOTHING but provide financially for us as he was growing up. I did literally everything else but I’m the horrible parent.
Often times, terrible parents don't fully accept and recognize just how bad they were as parents. As a parent it's your job to prepare them for the real world, and if they're struggling, it very well may be because you dropped the ball and we're neglectful and/or too selfish to take the time to prepare them to be functioning adults.
Now that they're having to learn everything about adulthood the hard way, they may be fully justified in resenting you for not doing your job in parenting them and setting them back in life. There's a strong correlation in how a child turns out and the quality of their parents. There's always exceptions to the rule, but most people who are repeat offenders had awful parents, as an example.
Sometimes that is true, absolutely.
Wait'll your kids start complaining about you LOL then you will see
Hey thanks for the words of (wisdom?) You're painting with a broad brush, don't you think?
My daughter really doesn't like being an adult. She is not a happy person now. She is constantly saying how she wishes she could be a kid again and be taken care of like she was as a kid. She even told me the other day she feels like she was loved more as a kid than as an adult. That's because she's an adult and she doesn't need me to guide her constantly. She's so conflicting because she'll also tell me what a disconnect our relationship is/was, stemming back to her childhood, because I don't show emotion and am so laid back. According to her, my lack of emotion made me a bad mother. I'm so confused because she wants to be that child again and be taken care of like before. So was it a bad childhood or not? I admit, I don't show a lot of emotion; calmness was always my character, but I always gave her physical touching and told her I loved her.
Share about your own relationship with your own children once they’re grown.
Dec.15 2022 I have seven children and I raised them with a lot of love, I also provided for them everything they needed, and a lot of what they wanted when they got older they turned on me and started to say very ugly things about me things that weren’t my fault or that I did things wrong. It seemed like they just wanted to hurt me. I told them I’m sorry I did not want to fight with them, but I feel with saying things that weren’t true so I will take your advice and see who else they can blame.
I am a complex trauma survivor myself and was untreated and definitely had problems with self-regulation but I always owned it and wrote a long letter to my son apologizing for everything when he left for the military. but now he uses that as a weapon against me when I do try to set boundaries
Thank you for your comment! That's a great first step to look at yourself in the mirror; and it's unfortunately true that hurt people will hurt people. But I'm glad that you're taking steps toward healing, and I hope you found my video helpful!
If you ever want to set up a call, you can check out my link, and we can have an initial call to see if we'd be a good fit for each other. I hope to talk to you soon! calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
I was not a perfect parent either, and I owned my mistakes. That has been weaponized against me as well. Because I was desperate for a relationship, I guess I let a weird dynamic develop. My oldest has become verbally abusive and insensitive toward me. Thanksgiving was bad, and I am done. It’s time to take back my self respect
You think because you wrote a letter apologizing that the 18 yrs of trauma you inflicted on your child is going to magically disappear? Are you that selfish? It's a start, but you are far from finished. You now have to undo the hurt you caused and that is going to take a lot of effort on your part. That means not just "talking" but DOING.
@@ravenclaw783 hey Rick you don't even know me. We are reconciled. There was FAR more good than bad. And without some kind of spiritual path people will continue to lick their wounds.
@@ravenclaw783 hey. Rick. You don't even know me. And you're going to give advice? We ARE fully reconciled and it's because we took a spiritual path. Forgiveness does not mean requiring that the other person spend years supposedly making up for it while you act out and withhold love until they have groveled enough. That wouldn't be forgiveness would it? It means starting from where you are and moving forward. There was a lot more good than bad. Don't pretend to know my situation, Sir.
God bless all the adult children that want to blame their parents for their life problems. My advice to the adult children instead of downing your parents, please be 100 times better than they ever could be. To the parent's ask the lord to forgive you for any separation or part you may have played and then forgive yourself and live your life. Parent's once you raised your children and they want to be estranged, disrespectful, or turning the blame on their shortcomings pray for them daily and live your life. I tell you this from experience. I am the parent that have an extranged child and i sleep well at night. I am not perfect but i know i did right by her. Her life faults and shortcomings are her own. God bless her. Live, love, laugh! Be happy.
I always thought we had a wonderful relationship. We were best friends and since she got married she's turned on me . I'm floored. Were not even speaking. She's accusing me of causing trauma .This is crazy.
The exact thing happened to me I thought we had a great relationship and she met a guy moved out & wanted nothing to do with me .
@@Kwood10 Well at least were talking now. Its the you suck as a parent and ruined my childhood routine. I think we all did it to our parents at some point. I was basically a single mom .
My daughter is now giving me the silent treatment and we used to be so close. She is an only child, and going through infertility issues, and now she won't speak to me, says I disrespect her, etc. I have never done that....she can't even give me an example....just stopped talking to me.
@@triciamcbride9179 Yup I'm getting that too. Back in my day parents didn't say much about sex. The schools were really pushing sex ed so I made sure I was very open with my kids , now she's trying to say that I over stepped my boundaries and was over concerned with their sexuality..WUT ???? I had to find out about sex at the library. I dont know what to think anymore. I was always open and honest about everything. I didn't keep secrets. They could ask me anything..I just dont get it..
@@canadiansfirst3636 When did kids start attacking their parents anyway?? I was always taught to respect my elders, especially my parents. Even if I didn't agree with them, I didn't disrespect them or mistreat them. It baffles me. I taught high school for 30 years, and I know how to handle young adults. I was well known for my communication skills with my students. My adult daughter has always been a control freak, and I suppose at some point this too shall pass...I hope.
It's simple. You apologize. You ask how you can make it right. You follow through. You do not manipulate and powertrip as you suggest in this video. Please, try again.
It is not always simple and my heart goes out to Moms who are handling complicated relationships.
@@sallyharriscoach wait what about the many parents how are toxic.? The ones who really never apologise. Why not address the comment on what happens when they are manipulative ?
@@badass_omelette5166 this channel is NOT a place for accountability (outside of the adult child carrying the accountability)!😅
These people can’t see their own flaws, they are allergic to contrition! 😂
@@watching1513 Come back here and be honest about your own experience. State the facts, and specify your own role, are you the ADULT CHILD or THE PARENT? My guess is that you are the DISRESPECTFUL ADULT CHILD who wants the parent to submit.
I have apologize multiple times. I’m always there for her when she needs me. I got her car out of the repo twice helped her with her rent. I Brought her stuff when she had Covid. Make sure she had food. And let her move back home rent free and feel free to get back on her feet. She stays shut up in her room and doesn’t even speak it to me! Every time I try to talk to her, she makes it into an argument. She has a little sister, who is 10 years younger than her. She was always mean to her, and never would bond with her. And now she’s jealous of her because she was successful in life. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s draining everything in me.
Sometimes the problem is actually the parent.
I was never allowed to wear what I wanted, if that was the case I had to sneak it.
I never got time for my homework. Because I was always busy doing chores. (I have ADHD which makes tasks take longer for me to do) And my mother would constantly berate me about how she gave me a single task.
I could never tell her my problems because she'd somehow turn it into some big issue. (Like, "no you don't know what tired is." Or "I'm the one who's been on my feet all day")
I could never get a break.
I was called lazy
She blamed me for all these things.. And parents wonder why kids rebel and try and go behind the backs of their parents.
Wait until you’re a parent
I have apologized to my daughter for everything in her life that ever hurt her feelings, etc..... I am sure the wars in the middle east are my fault according to her. I apologized for them. I give up. If she stubs her toe today it will be my fault.
Dump her and live a happy life.
🤣🤣 sorry I needed that laugh.
I can relate. You’re not alone. 💖🙏
Always remember…you’re the tree and she’s the branch! You’ve apologized now Stand strong and be unmovable! She too will learn that there’s no handbook to parenting! She too will make mistakes and want her children to forgive!
You’re using sarcasm to ignore the issue
Thank you because my son is 44 this past Easter I had to work so they're all there together and I ended up hearing that I manipulated and blah blah.... And I decided because I do have experience as a PCA and I have gone through counseling for being codependent blah blah I did say to him I'm so sorry that you feel like that I wish there was something I could do to take it away but there isn't I'm hoping we can move forward
You should know yourself. If your child says that. You should know better. It is a LIE usually unless you are a bad mom. If you are a good mom you should know that you are good no matter what they say.
To heck with your kid. They don’t like you they don’t need to come around any more. My kid is in college and he is an ungrateful brat. Live above my means to keep my kids in a decent neighborhood around successful people. I am a loser and he is right, but I worked 80 hour weeks to keep his ungrateful self in the right place.
Same
“Turn out just fine” you say. What my experience tells me is this is all a process. To say we turn out supposes we aren’t changing even then. So with that in mind, it’s really about the finished product when our creator says well done my faithful servant. We can’t blame we can’t change others. Just do what God the creator intends for us. For in the end it is what we turn out to him that really matters.
I want to say I do respect you a lot for your willingness to apologize for your impact. But personally I wish Mom's in general (I am one btw) would learn to think before they speak. Please know that everything you say has a huuuuuuge amount of power. Everything and anything you mutter will be taken personally by your children-- and honestly I don't feel that a lot of mothers realize it. You said twice in this conversation "let's say your child is unsuccessful." I'm curious if they said that or did you the mother constantly tell them how disappointed you were that they didn't live up to your expectations? I think the big take away is - yes you'll make mistakes but please think about the power of a mother's words and how comments around successes and failures truly feel like a dagger through the heart when coming from a mother.
Thank you for your comment, I hope the relationship with your mother improves.
I absolutely agree with what you said. I picked up on her statement of her son not being successful.
Im sure she’s let him know she feels that about him in subtle and not so subtle ways.
I’m tall ball three that I’m the worst mother ever so when they start bashing me I say I know I know who’s the worst mother pick me I told the title 44 years but actually you three came out perfect so I messaged him something right! Then they shut up!
After 18 years of love and sacrifices my daughter told me she was ashamed of being related to me because I didn’t approve of her drug user bf
She left home and never saw her again and I’m ok with it
That was 45 years ago
How do you deal with this. Is this your only child?
That sad, I’m sorry! It still hurts after all those years I’m sure.
@Penny Wiser I can only hope that this is an internet tall tale, because that’s one of the saddest posts I’ve ever read. ☮️
I know how you feel , my daughter thinks I should be totally ok with her drug use .
Your not alone. My youngest left 14 years ago. Broke my heart into prices. She was treated very well. She had it all. There isn't an explanation for alot of things in life
This is one of them.
I’m tall ball three that I’m the worst mother ever so when they start bashing me I say I know I know who’s the worst mother pick me I told the title 44 years but actually you three came out perfect so I messaged him something right! Then they shut up!
Thank you for this . I can’t wait till all these adult kids have kids .. they don’t come with a book of instructions 💕
Many of these adult kids already have kids themselves, of course!
Having watched and lived through how my parents chose to parent, my husband and I have bent over backwards to raise our own children (one is very nearly an adult) with utmost respect. I don't want this to sound conceited, because no parent is perfect, including my husband and I. But if we've upset or concerned our child, we've worked with them since their toddlerhood to encourage open communication and protest from them: we listen and make it easy for them to talk openly, and to share their concerns or anger; we then reflect back to them what we've understood they've communicated, and check with them that we've understood them correctly; then we apologise and propose what we'll do differently. We then check-in with to make sure they're in agreement. This whole process doesn't usually take longer than 10 minutes, and we're hugging by the end of it. On top of this, we've found that this respect has worked out both ways; we've avoided control as much as possible, and we've found that when we do need to express concern or protest ourselves, our teens more often than not listen hard and give us the same respect.
It's ideally a two-way street, but it should always, always start with the parents.
My main gratitude to my parents is that I learnt this lesson, which has enabled a loving and respectful bond with my own children. Because generational trauma being passed down is highly damaging.
Yes, parenting is very hard work at times and can feel exhausting and painful. But as a parent we have the responsibility to not harm our kids - physically, psychologically, emotionally or spiritually.
Those toxic adult children are called narcissists. Narcissists do not acknowledge boundaries. Ever.
I was a really hyperactive kid. A kid who, you could say, "couldn't behave". My mom used to beat me because she got desperate I didn't listen to her. My father worked all day so I barely saw him. Both my parents were really strict.
Growing up, when I was in middle school, I couldn't ask "Why?" to anything my parents said because they would ground me for at least a week (No going out, no TV, no Games of any kind, just alone in my room for a week) and sometimes slap me for asking. Due to that I grew up having total fear of them.
During that time, my mother used to tell me I couldn't have a girlfriend either. Because of my fear I just didn't. She sometimes beat me with a belt. She hit me in the back for not obeying her, plus being grounded.
When I graduated from Elementary School, due to my bad performance in school she grounded me for all two-month vacation. No TV, no friends, NOTHING AT ALL.
How can a kid live like that?
After high school I got to Canada to practice my English, since it is not my mother tongue. I missed my family and her for some reason. When I got back I tried to make things right. Not arguing with her, obeying and trying my best to be at peace. She's got a problem that when you submit to her in any form she asks for more. In other words, she is bossy.
Now I am 24 years old. I do not speak to my mother at all. Not too long ago (4 months ago), we were at home playing Monopoly. My mother, my brother and a little cousin. By this time, our relation couldn't be any worse (or so I thought). She asked that I cook a meal for them. I refuse. She calls the police.
So, police arrives. I get handcuffed and picked up into the police car.
I wish I was making this up. I wish there was a reason. I didn't get angry, I didn't yelled at her. Besides, it was MY OWN HOME and yes, I got handcuffed in my legally owned home, with my name in the property...
Am I wrong for now avoiding any contact with her? Am I a bad son?
I recon I was a bad brother and I regret it. Maybe I was a bad son, too? Maybe I am a bad son...? I don't know anymore.
It really hurts me that I don't have a mother now, because even when I know I made that choice, in all my 24 years of life it never got better with her.
I have to learn to live like this.
You need help. She is abusing you to the core, and you feel you need to stay by her side. That's not love. That's Stockholm Syndrome. You are being manipulated and your free will is being sucked out. Get help and get the fuck out of you mother's side.
you're not wrong to cut her off. There's a limit for everyone .And you're not a bad person: to even question your role in it tells me you want to fix it if you can. I had a horrible mother too. I am here because, even though I thought I was breaking the cycle of abuse and raising my sons with love & structure, one of them still thinks I'm worthy of being cut off. I would've bent over backwards to avoid being a mother like I had.
Hello Hector, I am sorry to hear of your painful childhood. Every child deserves to be loved and respected. Please know you are not alone, God is with you. May God heal your heart, mind and soul, in Jesus name. 🙏 ❤ Grace from Canada
Dang Brother, you didn't deserve any of that. You are categorically NOT a bad son for avoiding that woman. She was and is a bad mother. Keep your head up and keep working on yourself. You're a good person and deserve to be treated well.
My mother believes she did everything right.
Thank you ~ excellent advice. REally appreciate your work!
I'm going through this with my almost 26 y/o daughter. I had a rough childhood. I got I to a very abusive marriage and had to go to a shelter with my daughter who was 7 at the time. I had such bad panic attacks for a few years after. But I got on my feet, went to school, and got better with God. I'm remarried now and I have a good life. My daughter is very disrespectful, hateful at times. I've apologized on many occasions. She moved in woth my husband and I 8 months ago and ended up getting into a pretty altercation with me and my hubby. She left with my grandbaby and won't talk to me or let me see my grandbaby. I have helped her so many times. I had her in counseling when she was younger and just feel like I've tried to help her. But she blames me and tells me I was angry and now she won't answer my calls. So I've stopped calling, and it hurts my heart so much. I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you for your comment. Finding a support system during this time is crucial, If you'd like to learn more about mine, you can reach out to me here- calendly.com/sallyharris-discoverycall/30min
It won’t solve the issue watching this because it makes some parents pretend they were….not bad
So true . I think alot of peoples problems stem back to their childhood and with specifically their parents .
@@brynnk2518 Absolutely!
After talking to me w disrespect n name foul name calling names I have said that n doesn’t change anything n I am not king to apologize for something didn’t happen but for any disappointment he may have had still had worked after being called the c word I m good he Neto own it apologize for it