The REAL reason people GHOST you.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 ต.ค. 2024
- It's not you. It's them.
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I’ve ghosted before, the only reason is because I knew (based on previous interactions) that trying to discuss my issues with the person wasn’t going to result in any change and they were going to continue treating me the same way…so maybe it’s not the same as ghosting…but I have cut people out of my life before…and it hurt me deeply to do it…but sometimes it’s unavoidable.
My mom has cut off all of her living brothers and sisters because they're horrible and back stabby people. Because of this I will have nothing to do with them either. Have not for years. One aunt still sends me a birthday card every year and that makes me feel bad, honestly. But I 100% know if I give that aunt an inch, she will take a mile and try to worm her way into knowing everything me and my mom do or say and telling the rest our business. It's not going to happen.
I cut off any person who is toxic in my life... I really like your videos.
People change so much between high school and age 30. And everyone matures at a different rate, so friendships naturally evolve, dissolve, and even reform sometimes. Life happens!
I was ghosted by a friend who I knew for 10 years I moved to another state and she just stopped talking to me, I had messaged her asking what is going on and I received no reply over and over, I went back to my home state and saw her and she didn't even say hello I found that to be ice cold of her and will never forget that to this day she hasn't spoken to me...that's so weird and creepy in a way..btw it's good that you know it's not your fault that's important 💯
The first guy did you a huge favor!
Ben Franklin: "What hurts, instructs" At least you're learning.
I'm presenting learning the subtle art of not giving a f☆ck. Because, yeah...dealing with problems in a mature way is pretty rare these days and time on the planet is limited. Make way for more useful pursuits.
My sister ghosted me 42 years ago. Long story. She got upset and left my house and I never heard from her again.
One time I was dealing with something similar and I received some very good advice “friends are friends for a reason, if only for a season”. This really helped me be ok with the situation and let go of the feelings I had attached to the situation.
I agree, ghosting is typically immature and a sign of a lack of respect. I find some people expect you to have read their mind or magically picked up on something they won't tell you directly, and then instead of being honest about what they want or what upset them, they ghost. And it really does hurt. The worst instance was this teacher I really respected who helped me get through a tough time in high school, and it was so bizarre I never found out why he did it, as we had kept in touch throughout college.
After I learned about narcissism (cover and overt) I understood a lot of what happened in my life. If someone you know for years and have a friendship with ghosts you out of nowhere, good chances you have been discarded. It eventually happens to everyone having any type of relationship with a narcissist. Most likely to happen when you stop being compliant to their BS.
I wish this new found practice of blaming everything on narcissists would be examined more closely. I have ghosted people several times and I have been ghosted. I do not need to explain to anyone why I have broken contact with them especially if to do so would make me feel stressed or very uncomfortable. I find it selfish and vaguely controlling when people think they are owed an explanation for why you have ceased contact which is one's right to do at any point. Silence is communication too.
That close friend you described from high school sounds like a narcissist. Only the last couple of years have I been learning about narcissists. A lot of people fit into this category. Maybe learn about narcissist so you can spot their behavior and stay clear!
I’ve probably ghosted a lot of people, I never message anybody and if I don’t know how to reply to a message I’ll just leave it
Hey. I just started watching your videos, so catching up on your older videos as well. I love the life you've been able to choose for yourself and think that you are quite a strong-willed person. I am getting inspired by your takes on many things.
I just wanted to share that I have been on both sides of ghosting. I wanted to comment here as a ghoster. I have a lot of reasons for why I prefer ghosting and I thought it's insensitive to consider it only as signs of lack of confidence/consideration/maturity. I have ADHD and I am an empath. I also have a lot of PTSD, and I am a woman of color in the USA. A lot of times, all these aspects of me makes me a very good friend and listener, so people start taking advantage of my time, space, and emotional labor and pushing my boundaries. I become their sounding board for the randomest of things including academic paper ideas, rants about work and roommates, political ideologies and so on. As an ADHDer and empath, I already struggle with managing my daily tasks and time, voicing my own needs and setting boundaries. None of these interactions leave my mind for days, weeks, or even years. When people don't notice the emotional and physical labor I have to go through to accommodate them on regular basis and it continues for a long time, I have to protect my mental health and physical space by ghosting them. If you look up ADHD struggles, all of these will show up as common struggles, or being on the complete other end of not being a good friend ever. Because I am also an empath with PTSD, a lot of people's issues affect me a lot more than the ones going through those. And those that don't notice/understand my struggles in all the time spent with me, clearly never will. They are not invested in me as a person, but in what role I play in their lives. Because this is a struggle I've had all my life, I figured that the easiest way for myself to remove myself from these unpleasant situations is to disappear. If I were to try an explain to every person that was doing this to me knowingly and unknowingly, that would take up another couple of my years from life in the labor I have to put into those conversations, how those will add up to my rumination rotation and how those experiences would also negatively affect my future relationships. So, ghosting for me is a survival instinct and I just wanted to share the other side of that possibility. People who Trauma dump, manipulate and take advantage of other people also identify people like me as targets knowingly/intuitively and it is a real struggle in/threat to our lives!
Sorry about the long comment in such an old video. It's so long that I'm not even gonna check it for typos!
Thanks for your share
I just discovered you on Christmas and now I’m ending my year watching your videos, your talks are both poignant and insightful. I am so glad I discovered your channel. Keep up the good work, and Happy New Year!
I got Ghosted by a friend with whom I used to hang out a lot. Her Dad died and I sent a message offering to meet up and chat or reminisce or whatever she needed. I also called several times but she didn't pick up. Nothing, for months. Sent in sympathy card etc. When I finally got hold of her ( via electronic media) she stated that as I hadn't gone on Facebook to express sympathy for her Dads passing it meant I didn't care! We now still ' speak ' via Facebook, but it is not what it was. She has never apologised, but I have put that down to grief. She is younger than me, I don't live my life via Facebook - is that another reason?? Dunno.
Seems she cares more about appearance (FB ) than a friend actually being a friend, you did nothing wrong
that's so weird. Wow!
Great video content on ghosting today 👏 👌 👍 🙌
I agree ghosting is very immature. You see this in personality disordered individuals. Very rarely it’s appropriate for safety reasons.
That was fascinating, Nicole! Thank you!
I just discovered the channel and find value in a number of your finance videos that I've binged on. I also appreciate the humanity of this particular video, as I have a similar story to your friend #2. I have a former "friend" who actually attempted to ghost me until I recently confronted her. She, too, had been in therapy and told me I was unhappy and complain too much. I actually never knew this was reason to end a friendship.
What's more confusing is: this is a person who would call me almost daily to speak about nothing. To consistently call the complaining, unhappy person then all of a sudden decide I was too exhausting and unbearable is insane. I did have feelings of sadness about it, but ultimately realized it was her and not me.
People truly are fickle.
Thanks for the video. I am a kind, generous and supportive individual, but when someone takes it for granted or the person is not kind to others around or is always negative, I cut them off with no regret, whatsoever. If I don't enjoy someone's presence, I am fine not seeing them again
Ending friendships is totally fine. Being completely cool with someone one day and then disappearing on them the next without any explanation or reasoning is not.
@@AccordingtoNicole It is totally fine in my opinion. I do not expect explanations when people want to break contact with me, I accept it. Sure it is perhaps kinder to have some sort of explanation but I do not want people doing what they don't really want to do just so that I feel better or have greater understanding.
My best friend of 20 years plus just stopped all connections no reason I can see ... I still wonder what happened ....gone through everything what I thought it could be ...😣
one of my friends did this to me two times. I have "taken her back" both times. The first time we were very young (19) and her abusive boyfriend insisted she could not be friends with me because I supported LGBTQ people (yikes). The second time, she was in a bad place emotionally and came to my new house (VERY modest house) and was jealous and didn't talk to me for 8 yrs (!) She apologized later when I welcomed her back into our wider friend group but I still think she was just immature and struggling emotionally and in a terrible relationship. Our current friendship of 10 yrs has involved a lot better communication and when she does crazy stuff I call her out on it kind of like a sister I would say, and I think we're both more mature now.
my exwife ghosted me and now I can't see my daughter. going to court soon.
with all due respect to you, maybe you're one of the people who doesn't deserve to be ghosted, but I've ghosted some of my friends when I jut had enough from them, and saw how unvalued my friendship was for them, so sometimes it 's the other person's fault when they don't know how to be friends knwing what go through.
I agree. People usually only want an explanation for why they have been ghosted because they want their own discomfort to be relieved while not caring that some awkward unpleasant conversation about the reason for the end of a relationship may not be desired by the other party.
@@rosieposie9564 totally agree, and when people never respected my friendship I never think I owe them anythign, not even an explanation, I'm done with them
@@hivyfalou1393 Totally.
I never gohsted, I just can't afford both patron and youtube prenium and stopped talking to people on instagram. I supoort you on X and everywhere but I know your mo and im just a dude watching a video and mean nothing to people outside my circle and know I'm just money to people
Before people jump on tje train of "get help" know that I am a human learning life just like you all
Hi, Levi!
Enjoy your week, Nicole
Poor Canada seems to get a colder Winter than Wisconsin
No, my dear, There is nothing wrong with you! You are just fine the way you are. I'm sure all of us have had that happen to us then and now. Including myself. However, I would always feel that there was just no true connection there and move on to the next day. Next person, next love. Even when it came to my jobs. I alway tried my best, but there is always something or someone that would attempt to break that balance for one reason or another. I would try to resolve the matter to bring back balance only if I really cared about that job, and if it wouldn"t improve, It would be there lost not mine! And off to a different job I would go. No big deal! My somewhat, " Could care less attitude" I believe has help me greatly from ever needing a doctor for anything for myself. And I am in my 60s
Just wondering, how’s Levi doing ? I just binge watched a lot of your videos and that was the last one I seen. Sending all the love & strength to you guys.
Thank you so much for the well wishes. So far so good with Levi. I will make an update video soon.
I have only done it once. We moved and the friends continued over texts and phone calls. She seemed a little manipulative over a long period. Like she was buttering me up. Then in a conversation she asked what my kids middle names were and right at the back of answering that question she asked if I got them a social security card. I felt like fraud was on the horizon. I just cut it off cold turkey.
Oh wow.
Your second recall resonates exactly with what’s happened with my best friend of more than 20 years. I’m still dealing with it. We went from talking almost daily to she rarely contacts me….unless she needs something from me, like as a reference for a job interview. I’m still so hurt by it and I still don’t know what happened or why.
When ghosted just pray for them and bid them farewell. Its way better than being around a miserable person.❤😅
I just attribute it to my power of invisibility
I used to be friendly and outgoing and a people person. Then in the early 2000's I started being ghosted by female online dates, not all, just some. Then in the 2010's I stared being ghosted by most of my female former co-workers who I thought I had been friends with because they friended me on fb or linked in. I finally realized that ghosting is acceptable and most people are poorly educated, have awful taste in everything and are not worth hanging out with anyway. So I'm not upset by ghosting now and I ghost people too. When in Rome...
I retired from college teaching but in those last years almost every class had a student who just stopped attending class (and since classes were in music attendance was mandatory). The administration always encouraged me to reach out to them and forgive or find substitute activity. What they deserved (and from the syllabus) was a big fat F.
Thank you, great video idea.
I've ghosted someone before. I was SO hurt I didn't even know how to talk to my best friend anymore. We finally talked two.yrs later.
My now ex husband ghosted me AND anyone we knew that stayed connected to me…including HIS best friend and his wife.
that is pretty much true of my ex husband also, and to me it is so extremely odd that he would do that as our divorce was initiated by him and quite amicable. We didn't have any big beef over property, no kids etc. Recently I had to make it very clear that I was NOT attending a mutual friend's mom's funeral so that my ex would attend - the guy is his best friend since childhood, but he's real cagey with the guy for staying friendly with me and meeting my new husband...even though the divorce was in 2012!
I actually had a serious bf in college who did that too. It was in the 90s before social media, so I found out by guys coming up to me on campus at college asking me why he wouldn't return their calls or answer the door. If they still spoke to me, he was done with them. People are so weird!
If I have been ghosted then its not in my memory, however hearing your speech has made me decide to say to a person why I don't want to talk on FB anymore something I never explained to her yet...so I don't want to seem like the immature person which I seem to be then I best start thing of the right words to say starting now.
People come and go
Ghosting is sometimes appropriate.
I was ghosted by a friend many years ago. She had moved to a farm with her boyfriend and had invited me to go and stay for the night. I was suffering badly with depression & anxiety. I explained I couldn’t go due to this and she ghosted me. I wrote to her and sent cards etc but I never heard from her again and it still makes me sad when I think about it.
I was ghosted by a former co-worker and best friend. We were together so much, other people thought we were a couple (we were not). She met a guy about 5 years ago and since I did not have a boyfriend, she does not want to include me on any of her and her boyfriend’s plans. At first I was taken aback but thought that since she was boy crazy, to be with them alone, she might think I was trying to hit on him. I wasn’t as I was still working and she had quit working. One day, I called her sister about something and we started talking. We ended up becoming close friends and when she needed to get out of a dangerous living situation, I offered her to move in with me. My original friend (her sister) was happy that her sister and I are friends yet, she never really got how hurt I was about being ghosted by her. She thinks that all is okay because I have friend (her sister) and I don’t need her anymore. She just can’t understand that I miss the friendship we had along with all the fun and adventures we had. I miss that friend…but she just doesn’t see it so I painfully let her go. When she does come to visit her sister, I tend to be a bit snarky with her (projecting my own pain onto her?) and one time I was having an emotional day so I just left the room and went and did something else. Although people have tried to explain it to her, she just doesn’t get it. Her response has always been…”well she has my sister as her friend so she’ll be fine”. She will never understand that I miss the friendship and fun we had together. BTW…we are all retired 60+…not some teenagers or young adults. Yes, even us older folks still act like immature adults sometimes.
they ghost because they lack accountability, but at the end of the day no one owes anyone an explanation for anything, so I just get on with life 👍
Yes it happened to me once! And it's the weirdest thing! This woman from Ireland started working next to me and we became really close really fast! We talked about everything. Comedy, Music, Movies, Art etc... One day she went home and didn't say goodnight to me! I went to talk to her and noticed that as the days went by she would put on her headphones in the morning and turn her back to me! After a few days I had to talk to her and ask please let me know if I said or did anything to offend you? I know I didn't because I went crazy thinking about all our conversations! I asked everyone at work even my boss and no one had an answer! She eventually quit "Good thing" but to this day for the life of me I have no idea why she did it.
Same thing happened to me. It was a colleague who sat next to me. We weren’t extremely close, but we got along well and talked to each other more than to the other workers. She left earlier than me and would always say good night. One day she just didn’t. And no good morning either. It was the weirdest thing. I racked my brain trying to figure it what I had done and never really did. Oh well.
@@Danybella I just watched a movie yesterday called the Banshees of Inershiram and it's pretty much about this! It's like a documentary not a story : )
@@paul_domici LOL! 😆The trailer alone is HILARIOUS. At least here, the guy gives him some reasons why they're no longer friends. I'll have to watch the whole thing at some point. Thanks for sharing!
Ghosting happens when the person who does it has finally had enough of being criticised, corrected and insulted and finds the strength to extricate themselves. Not all of us have the strength to confront. The ghoster knows that there is no point in trying to inform the ex-friend (who is an arrogant know-all) the reasons why. So ghosting is an act of self-preservation, of survival even. Nothing wrong with ghosting.
A gh--gh--GHOST!
I don't think I've been ghosted. But I'm okay with going for extremely long periods of time without regular contact. Just one of those things, I guess.
Same here😊
I'm the one that has ghosted a lot and it would take 2 or 3 books to explain. I will say that usually a short time after they write either someone else or me and tell me all they did and that they are sorry. I also need lots of time to myself ..so much so that years can go by without me even trying to deal with it then too much time has passed to even bother. If we are supposed to reconnect then it will happen is my attitude. I don't hate any one just couldn't deal anymore.
Last year I considered ghosting someone. But I think I'm just not the ghosting type, unless someone really made me angry or did something horrible to me. It was a lady I met through my wider friend group and she asked me if I wanted to hang out. We hung out one time and it was very awkward, kind of like a bad date (but platonic). It seemed like she was looking for something from me, like I would just take the lead and give her a more fun life. Overwhelming. She also asked me (and my husband) to go on a weekend trip with she and her boyfriend and I felt so awkward turning her down but that's not something me and my husband would be into. I was honest with her, that we don't even travel with our very best friends (a couple), we like to travel alone.
I just felt more uncomfortable and awkward than I can remember feeling as an adult! So I was gonna ghost her, block her number and delete online etc. Instead I just distanced myself and fortunately it seemed to work, it's been a year and she just "likes" some of my posts on social media and that's it. Whew.
I don't think I've ever been ghosted (except by bpd girlfriend, not sure that counts, bpd people ghost everyone sooner or later, usually multiple times, they're like Vin Diesel in Pitch Black for ghosting mo-fos), although I have 'ghosted' people, I suppose you could say.
You're right, it's not you, it's them, it's always for some outside reason that's going on in their life, and a lot of people (like me) really just HATE confrontation. They don't want to tell someone "Hey, I don't want to talk to you any more", just the idea of having such a conversation when you're already mentally fragile is appalling - in my case it was related to my alcoholism and depression. Long story short, I felt a bit betrayed by a group of drinking buddies - not all of 'em, but one in particular. So I stopped answering their calls. Mistake? Maybe. I miss some of them. Some of them I don't. I could have handled it better. I suppose I've ghosted all my friends, I did have some, but now I barely communicate with any of them, I remember when I was in high school my best friend said that if he had to pick one word to describe me, that word would be 'aloof'. And this was before cell phones and facebook and google knowing your geo co-ordinates every minute of the day.
There's an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry tries to 'break up' with one of his male friends, and he just can't do it, it's too difficult. It's easier just to let these things drift, especially for men.
People...too much work, too little reward. Why do you think we're all addicted to TH-cam? Because we come in prepared for a monologue -- to be entertained, not to toil. A much safer arrangement.
Not entirely true. Some people are so draining, and so unaware, or aware but unable/unwilling to modify their behavior that going through the motions to sit down and detail, or reiterate, what they’ve done wrong…is just not worth it.
I’ve ghosted very few people for the reason that it just wasn’t worth the drama that it would bring. I didn’t feel like dressing them down, or crafting them into this more socially acceptable human, or allowing them to manipulate me into accepting their poor behavior to continue to drag me down.
I’ve never ghosted someone romantically. When I’ve been ghosted by ex’s, I always see it as the clock ran out. I saw it as a sad, but positive thing. That they’ve moved on. My relationships always turned into equally great friendships, so after a break up, I didn’t leave them high and dry, but that’s not realistic for anyone. So when they ghost me, i just take that they’ve found someone who makes them happy, and naturally, it’s not a good idea to keep your ex in that recipe.
All that said, I keep a small circle of di-hard friends. If there was ever a problrm, we talk about it. If you’re being ghosted by someone, you’re simply not a priorty for them, or you’ve exhausted them, or they want something from you that that you’re not willing to give.
Either way, not all ghosting is childish. I can assure you, some sitations you’re better off picking up your ball, and going home.
Terminating a friendship is perfectly fine. Not telling that person why you are terminating it... or even that you are is extremely childish and self centred. Going from being good with someone one day to simply disappearing the next is grade 3 behaviour.
@@AccordingtoNicole “Childish and self-centered” sounds like you’re pouring too much sauce on it.
Most children don’t decide to banish you from their life, and self-centered people are interested in extracting the most from you.
They’re just peacing you out.
I guess I have an easier time accepting that two people can just drift apart. Never spent that much time thinking deeply about someone who’s chosen to exit my life. Life is complicated enough.
I’m aware this isn’t the context in which you’re speaking, but I’ve seen a lot of women use this term when short-term dating. “He ghosted me.” Again, it’s easier to dip then have this drawn out explanation as to why you’re not feeling me.
To be perfectly clear, your situations are yours and you’re allowed to feel how you want. It’s just my opinion. I find your content interesting and well laid out.
Thank you.
I was pretty good friends (I thought) with a former coworker, C, for 16 yrs until I sided with a female friend in an online argument about a band (!!!) and C ghosted me. It's awkward because a year later he asked my husband for help with bicycle repairs. My husband helped him with advice but didn't go to their house. C said he missed me and my husband just totally ignored it. Weird.
Shoot, I'm sure I've been ghosted, but I can't think of a time. I, on the other hand, ghost people like it's a bodily function, lol. Family, friends, co-workers, significant others, neighbors, it doesn't really matter. I ended a 7 year relationship with a woman I was engaged to a long time ago. We stayed in touch for a while, but she moved to a different city in a different state. Once I called her & a man answered her phone & said that he was her boyfriend. Oof, so I stopped talking to her. She emailed me to apologize, so I changed my email address. I think I changed phone numbers too, lol. 2 years later, she reached out to me on Facebook, but I deleted her message. She reached out to me again, so I blocked her. She reached out to my sister a couple of times, & finally my brother (like a total of 5 times over like 7 years, I think), but from her perspective, I just dropped off the face of the earth. The last time I called her was 12 years ago.
It's seldom the ghostee's fault in these cicumstances. I don't care if you are the most vile friend on earth and you kick puppies, anyone with an ounce of maturity will have the decency to say, "Hey, this isn't working for me any more." Cutting off all communication is a coward's way out and, quite honestly, the ghostee inevitably winds up happier for the ghoster's absence (as long as they don't blame themselves). I don't recall ever being ghosted, but I did have a decades long friendship with someone and at one point, we nutually agreed that our values were incompatible to the point where we needed to distance ourselves from each other. We had a very frank conversation, thanked each other for the roll we played in each other's lives and moved on to different life paths. I havne't had contact with him in 10 years, but I still wish him well and am proud of the way we handled things.
That's what adults do.
This is a good video.
I know being ghosted is hurtful. Another important thing I want to tell you is
I've been ghosted last year and it really hurt, still don't know why. I tried several times to reach out and got no replies at all.
Your friend is too emotionally immature to confront you to tell you that they no longer want to be friends. Sometimes friendships end and that’s okay, but it is mind boggling immaturity that causes someone to ghost a close friend without an explanation.
i'm beginning to think I have feelings for you / =
You're male friend that ghosted you, I bet it was because his second girlfriend put a stop to it. Jealousy.
Ghosting!??????🙄we say cut off. I don't like your bad language.
Ghosting is a word that is used for what she's talking about she didn't make it up it's a term that is used 🙄
You always have the option of not watching
Then don't watch.
Im 52. Even i know 'Ghosting' is a new slang
I fucked Jesus in the ass and then shat on his face. Then wiped my ass with the bible.