I want to wholeheartedly thank you for your vulnerability. I am an INFJ-A - I see myself a lot in you. Thank you for these videos which make me feel seen, understood and less alone. I know it takes every fiber to be vulnerable and share publicly like this, and I want to tell you I and many others appreciate it.
Thank you so much! Honestly, after posting this video I've felt like a turtle without its shell. It's a feeling of being exposed on a scale I would have never imagined.. so the encouragement helps! Lol. And when I do share, and I read the comments, I feel like I'm getting insights from some of the wisest, most interesting people out there. It makes it more than worth it.
I would like to add that your self awareness at so young an age is also incredible to listen to. I realise that the internet is an amazing tool, but still we need to apply own our filters of truth. How you are finding yours is marvellously encouraging to someone twice your age.
Give it another 20 years. You will still value your truth, but you may or may not wish to share it with others quite so freely. As an 'older' INFJ I can relate to what you are saying. However, trying to communicate with others with that kind of honesty and trust and expecting it to be returned is like looking for a 3 legged unicorn. At least you are aware of narcissists....that is something that I learned rather late in life even though (because?) I was raised by them. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
A thought-provoking video as always, Katie. The INFJ and the narcissist seem to be a common dynamic, from what I've seen. The narcissist is essentially someone who is willing to exert their will without little or no regard for the feelings of others, while the INFJ is willing to accommodate the will of others with little or no regard for their own feelings. They're a match that works well enough until the burden of harmonizing with someone for so long (who reciprocates none of the effort) becomes too much to bear, like a duet in which one musician is constantly trying to harmonize with the tune of someone else who whimsically plays whatever they wish. I think that harmony in America is rather under-valued, while exerting one's own will (assertiveness) is over-valued. Because of this, people who value harmony will often get the short stick when dealing with others - they're the people who often feel required to pick up the slack of the team, and they become stuck in this role until the point of implosion. With experience, I believe that you learn to recognize when someone is merely self-interested and is only exerting their own will with no true regard for your well-being, and then you are able to put up those behavioral boundaries and become "self-interested" yourself, while only being willing to harmonize with those who would harmonize in return.
That is so true. I, an INFJ myself, find myself accommodating the ideas of others and unconsciously expect others to do the same? But they unfortunately aren't as considerate and the pattern goes until it's too much to bear and I end up exploding ..out of my character. Then I end up feeling guilty to be the one to 'break' the relationship which makes it impossible for me to stand my ground. So I apologise and they gladly take the opportunity to victimise themselves. Then the cycle starts again.
I had the hardest time identifying this and it all came down to people pleasing, i am usually really melllow and that makes people uncomfortable so i accommodate them by putting them at ease but then i get locked into that cursed mode of people pleasing and people get too familiar and think they can have their way and then when i stand up for myself or disagree they flip tue script and make me seem like im an intolerable asshole and it worked for so long because i am self doubt prone
Definitely feeling the picking up the slack thing all my life. A role I don't want to play anymore. A boundary I need to set. Thank you for that comment.
I, Being an INFJ-T and 28 years old. The only thing that I have been doing is trying to socialize my self and making my friends who are older than me like my dad's age and most of them are semi-extroverted and know everyone in society and have a lot of experience in their lives. so it helped me to get exposed to the stuff that I never knew before. So, I think we all need exposure to the outside world all though we don't want that, 100% agree. but, it will help us to know the practical and dangerous world outside of our domain. because of my semi-extroverted friends, I have been able to talk to other people in our society more confidently. so moral of the story is we can be fitted in our societies if someone can help us and usually they are either our parents or our god gifted friends! all we need is exposure and confidence to the outside world and act normally which is I doubt we can! but never hurts to try! just like a KATIE I'm about to open a youtube channel but if you would ask me 5 years ago I would have said are u kidding with me. youtube and me? no way!!! but now because I stay close to my friends I have built that confidence in me! although it took me a while approximately 1 and a half years or so and now I'm ready I'm coming! I gonna do it. SUuuBSCRaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEB!!! I need 100 subscribers to start!
It's really wonderful to follow your "talks." I am a 64.5 year old INFJ (male!) and Enneagram 4 with a 5 wing. When I was your age I was too busy trying to be a "big deal" (because that's what a guy was supposed to do). It is so rewarding to let go of all of that - and so much fun for me to learn from you! Thank you, dear one. (Among the benefits of being an older man is that I can say things like, "dear one," and women no longer mistake my genuine expressions of appreciation-affection for something else!)
"I am like a mirror. I just reflect back at people what they give. Makes me a loyal friend and a worthy adversary." --Jonathan Charles Byington For me, it is easy to predict other people's future emotional states and to ask them questions that help them discover what they really want and who they really are. However, to turn that mirror in on myself and predict my own future emotional states can be very difficult. I can become lost in literally feeling others emotions. When a patient is in crisis, this can benefit my therapeutic intervention because I can actually FEEL their emotional state and therefore better predict what they need to stabilize (I work as a behavioral health nurse). Having a significant other who sees into me like I see into other people and who takes the time to share her insights into what I need (which is profoundly different than what she needs) has been of enormous benefit. Also, learning that not all conflict is negative if the conflict is about discussing ideas and values and not merely name calling, blaming, and or shaming. Wonderful video as always. Please continue to make videos.
shared this on LinkedIn which started very insightful dialogue: yes, that is the first time I was exposed to the theory of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. I had studied the first three before but never considered the fourth. And . . . I realize that I do that to some extent. When a client is in crisis, it is my professional responsibility to understand exactly what his perspective is. However, it is easy when advocating for someone and seeing the world from his perspective to lose objectivity in your advocacy. That is why an interdisciplinary team approach to a Veteran in crisis is crucial to retain objectivity and different perspectives. I agree that like many INFJs, Katie Marie is "highly empathetic. Maybe painfully so?" Empathy of the INFJ variety is both a blessing and a curse. ;)
Never ever reacted to a youtube video.....never subsribed to a youtuber. A fellow INFJ, so you know;] But now I feel I have to. And because I want to. Dived into my personality type a few years ago [after a trauma, offcourse 😎] , and discovered your video's a few weeks ago. It's almost creepy to relate so much to what a totall stranger has to say. In a good way! For what it's worth from a random person on the internet; "Thank you for doing that, and for being so open and genuine!" Hope you get some energy back through all the comments, and knowing your channel most certainley helps a lot of us infj's. Also great to read and see all the reactions and contributions from other viewers. Maybe someone reading this knows a genuine youtube channel [not the top '10 brought to you by a voice/actors' stuff] a bit more specific towards INFJ men? I do think we have a few specific traits or feelings [testesterone vs feeling empath, to name one] that are sometimes difficult to understand, explain, or give direction. At least that's what I think.
I have been a people pleaser but in my experience, it has always bitten me in the ass. No matter what the circumstance... whether with women or really anything... i feel like i have always lost out on everything. A lot of the friends i made with this people pleaser mask on... never really got to know the real me and i was always trapped inside my own head. LIke you said: filtering my thoughts and overthinking everything and trying to make some many reads instead of just being in the moment. This for stems from my past of being bullied and after many years of social isolation... i started to make friends but with that PP mask on. I was afraid to voice my opinions because i made so much progress healing from my bullying. I had a fear that i wouldn't be accepted and i was tired of living that lonely life etc...
Hi Katie, I hope you are fine. Thank you very much for your genuine inspiring videos, please be confident that you are absolutely right, to keep your genuine pure self, with no regrets. I am a doctor , and as an INFJ, I consider myself a healer not only a doctor who has a job that gives him a monthly salary. As an INFJ, it feels so good to play the role of the hero that saves others, but yet who do not care to appear, like all those imaginary heroes, wearing masks, and nobody really knows who they really are, and more importantly most people, even family members do not care about their feelings, their need for genuine strong healthy relationships. People just want them to be there, when they need them. That is us INFJs. Moreover, you do not even care to be thanked for what you have done. May be even it is kind of intimidating to be in the spotlight, so we can say, we like to be the invisible heroes. We are INFJs, we are really happy to make people happy, which is very nice of course, but while we are doing that, we need to be aware of our own needs, and to beware of narcissists, they are just happy with controlling people. Having said that, we need to stop feeling that we are victims, we need to take responsibility of our own deeds, this is the start for a new long way of self acceptance, it won’t be easy, but it’s worth it. And of course when we are honest and refuse to lie or even to conform with the society or in a realtionship, this integrity, makes us stronger, this is channeling of our energies in the right direction, to be more productive, more healthy, which makes our souls more powerful, and more able to be creative, this is how people really have true passion about life, either in our careers or personal realtionships. Instead, when we tend to conform to be more accepted, it is like energy scattering, and wasted in vain. You were already of a great help, not only for me but for many INFJs who feel lonely and misunderstood in this world, despite your young age, you are so wise. Everyone is unique in his or her own way, so we all learn from each other, and by accepting our own weaknesses, without judging, just observing how we did that or why we felt this way. There is nothing to be ashamed of, if we felt lost for some time, having tears in our eyes, deep pain in our hearts, it is really no tragedy (the real tragedy is when two people are in love and don't make it work). Many people are lost in the hectic lifestyle, everything is so fast, to the degree that they are not aware that they are not actually living, it’s like just passing time. Please be sure that whatever happened in the past, hope is the light we need to guide our way, there is always a second chance, we will be able to learn a lot more about ourselves, we will realize what we really need, and how to understand people in a better way, then we can make people happy without being manipulated, and we will have a satisfying romantic relationship, or real friendships. I hope that all people stay safe during the coronavirus pandemic. Take care. Amr
I'm an INFJ who grew up with an alcoholic parent and struggled with people pleasing and low self esteem up to the point where it nearly killed me. At forty six, I had a heart attack and nearly died, largely because I wasn't caring enough for myself. That was a wake up call that really helped me find a better way to live and interact with others. Narcissists look at people like vampires do, and INFJ's often look like easy prey. Everyone's journey is different so I can't claim I have a universal solution, but I can say that finding a solution that works for you is literally a matter of life and death.
Please take better care of yourself. We INFJ's can do so much if we take huge steps to limit who we help. Tell emotion to hold while you go to the logic first. Logic is your best weapon and defense. Hope you come to realize how special you are and valuable. Keep reminding yourself of your worth and use logic before you jump in to help. It has helped me get through a childhood surrounded by extroverts and tough military personalities. What does not kill you makes you stronger. It might sound like an idiotic statement, but you being a survivor, I bet you get it better than most. Keith
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson Hi my lovely friend 💖. Created an INFJ forum this morning ! See you soon hopefully :) Using my grandfathers name intials IN :), when in a video with Frank James the combination of letters is completed :P
The speed of your speech makes me feel comfortable. It is how I talk, too. I'm learning a lot from what you have to say. You're helping me form some new questions to ask myself. Thank you.
Thank you Katie, I really need a video like this just based off the caption. For the past 18 years in my life, I've lost myself to my unhealthy family's abuse, friends that used my empathy for their own gain and never understood me in return, and romantic relationships where I was mistreated consistently and taught I was worth nothing unless I was nice, forgiving, and submissive. I'm going to rewatch this video a lot, I can tell. :) Take care.
we all need empathy AND sympathy. just one isn't enough. manipulative people are good at twisting one of them to appear as both. sad to admit i'm only putting this all together in the past few years.
You dont have to change who you are, just change which part of the world you interact with so it suits you better. Everyone has their own reality, why should you not?
I'm twice your age and a recovering people please. It took me years to recognize it(in therapy) so I commend you for recognizing it so early and being brave enough to share!! You helped a lot of people with this video. I'm an INFP and authenticity is important to me. The clarity that comes with being free and owning your truth is priceless. 😍
Thank you for opening up about what you’ve learned, Katie. I’m a 35 year old INFJ in the final stages of divorcing a textbook narcissist. You’re right-there’s more to it than just “they’re abusive.” Anytime I talk to anyone about it, I’m sure to explain how the hell I endured was just as much my own making as it was hers. It’s a struggle to maintain your boundaries when you’re naturally inclined to be a people pleaser, but it’s a struggle we have to keep up with. In the end, people can only abuse us if we let them. For me, it was like I was held in a cage of her making, but I held the key the entire time... I just couldn’t work up the will to use it. It’s fascinating how relatable your thoughts and tendencies are. Keep the videos coming!
There’s nothing like randomly coming across an answer to the biggest question I’ve ever had about myself. I don’t know how I ended up watching these videos but thank god I did. You’re giving some very misunderstood people the clarity they’ve always been looking for. If karmas real then you’ve got something very good coming your way
An Angel ey, there's another type of Angel, an Archangel. They fight demons, they are strong and not easily hurt, be an Archangel, be strong and true and if someone don't like it, you don't need them.
@Really Woke Richie Jeremiah 17:9-10 King James Version 9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 10 I the Lord search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.
I've been dealing with one of the hardest periods of my life over the past few years while dealing with overcoming a relationship with a narcissist who was a really important person to me. I met her when I was 21 (I'm now 26). She ended up really hurting me in the end, and not being who I thought she was. She was a covert narcissist posing as an empath. She was very much a cluster B case. I can definitely see how in the midst of the relationship I was enmeshed in her manipulations which could be subtle and confusing at times, especially at first. Because I cared deeply, and was longing to have a deep connection, I found myself really putting my own needs to the side and people pleasing. I really like how you spoke about finding what part we have to play in engaging in abusive, toxic relationships and taking responsibility. It's something I've really thought a lot about. I've been trying to figure out the root cause of why, when I'm around others, I often tend to put my own needs to the side. I think one things that you mentioned that I would very much agree with, is the avoidance of conflict and valuing harmony. I have also found that as an INFJ, I really enjoy and need time alone. This can leave me yearning to connect with others, but having trouble finding people who I can connect with on a deep level. Finding people who will understand all of the thoughts and ideas that run through my mind. People I can be myself around and feel comfortable with, and who will reciprocate the caring that I have towards them. So, I was thinking that possibly one of the reasons I people please is to maintain harmony and to connect with others. Wanting them to like me and reciprocate a connection. I also think, as you mentioned, the subtle or not so subtle traumas and the psychological mind games that go along with narcissistic, abusive relationships can also lead to a trauma bonding and people pleasing dynamic. I'm right along with you, currently trying to find equilibrium, value myself more and maintain proper boundaries. Thank you so much, Katie. I always love your hearing your perspectives!
I had a best friend for ten years who was a covert, it's coming up to three years since I found out. I know it's an incredibly difficult thing to go through, but you'll come out of it more more mature, wise, healthy, kind and emotionally stable than you were before the 'relationship'. The fact that you've been able to self reflect with such clarity shows how much healing you've already done. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Never considered people pleasing as a form of lying. You are correct it is like lying. Hiding our true selves(yeah). I believe i am guilty of the fawn thing in both of my past marriages. Also i am high on the agreeableness scale and need work on that and these other things. We have a lot to work on don't we? I am glad you are seeing all this early in life. It can only help in the long run to know. I wish i knew i needed the boundaries early on. You are on the path to truth and it is what sets us free. I feel a little more free just responding to you and responding to others responding to you. Thanks to you and to them.😅
Who said your wrong with the way you, I, we are ?? If someone takes the piss, bigger fool them. Though Bigger fool us if we know they cannot be helped and stay !! Could you imagine a world full of only shallow Narcissists ?? Now think of a world full of caring, thoughtful and generally nice people !! Which world would you like to live in ?? Feel sorry for the people that have learnt that oppressing others makes them feel better ?!?! What a sad shallow life they lead !! Be yourself and help others, but know where the limit is. What always get me through life is the quote: "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Jiddu Krishnamurti I think that states a lot ! Thank you again for your video !! ( Your are helping others )
I'm so glad another INFJ loves Dr. Peterson as much as I do! I very rarely find myself at odds with his understanding of people and the world. I've also noticed the importance of submitting yourself to the truth as of late. There's this line from a character in Vinland Saga who says "everyone is a slave to something," and I think that is completely true, whether you're a slave to greed, anger, lust, etc. If that's the case, I think being a slave to the truth is a formidable way to live. Love your vids btw, it's always refreshing to watch someone on the same wavelength!
“Submitting yourself to truth,” and being a “slave to truth,” are really fantastic ways of capturing what I was trying to say In this video. It was harder for me to get on board with being a slave to “myself,” acting for myself, but to be a slave to truth.. is the ultimate motivation. A formidable way to live, as you said. Thank you for putting it into better words than I have been able to thus far!
@@katiemarie8899 i think you articulated it wonderfully. I had never even considered that people pleasing could be a form of dishonesty, so thank you for giving me a new perspective as well. We're all still figuring it out lol
I want to say thank you, Katie. I had your 6 peculiar traits video come up in my recommendations a few days ago, and with mild curiosity, clicked on it to discover I'm actually an INFJ. I went down the rabbit hole of watching most of your videos and a bunch of others on the subject, and now, at the age of 41 am finding "my people". I tried making my own video about this experience, but my phone seems to have eaten it. I'd like to make another, but it's going to be a process to get my nerve back to do such a thing. Normally, this is where I'd try to feebly explain how you've provided me with validation in a way I've never experienced, but I really, truly believe you already understand what I'm talking about (and that understanding is actually kind of throwing me for a loop! haha). I asked my wife to watch your first video because you put into words what I couldn't explain about myself, and after learning so much about myself in a few days, and feeling so utterly exposed and vulnerable to her, I sobbed in her arms. I look forward to any future videos you might choose to do, and I really want to share my own journey on this new discovery, assuming I don't talk myself out of it, first. This is all extremely fresh and new for me, so I still have to process it. Again, thank you for being brave enough to share yourself and experiences.
Hi Brian, Yes, I do understand. Of course, as you know I’ve recently gone on quite a journey of understanding myself and “coming into” who I actually am. I have had similar moments of crying in the arms of loved ones, in such a vulnerable, freeing way. I can’t believe I’ve been able to aid in your journey, it is the most rewarding feeling I think I could really ever imagine. ❤️
Ok...Are we twin souls!? You and I are going down the same path/journey of self-care and healing. I too realized because of my suppressed ways I was enabling people to take advantage of me. This tells me not all people are bad and they were responding by instinct because subconsciously they knew I was agreeing to my own treatment, family, friends, and co-workers. This was a big realization just this year! 2020 has been about all of what you are saying here! I'm mind-blown how similar our story is, except you had the courage to leave your comfort zone and moved.
Dear Katie Katerson, I've never watched all videos of such an under viewed channel "in the grand scheme of things", or any channel actually... Thanks so much for the delight, 99% matching feels or past feels :3. We are actually the same age, with probably vastly different experiences on the surface but very much the same underneath. I've always felt like the sooner i get away from my parents the better, and then eventually left abroad for more than a year to South Korea, just like you did to New York if I remember correctly. There I became a bit "healthier" (although not without sacrifice...) and now I'm able to communicate a little with my mother, one connection that's literally a miracle. When I got interested in the zodiacs (only because my crush was interested in them, dunno if you believe in such things) I got a hint of how nobody around me even had a chance to ever relate to me on an emotional level. They were, by nature and sadly by too much experience as well, the polar opposite of me. All throughout my childhood I was forced to come to family gatherings and always answer calls from my grandparents to say hi to the point where not doing so was not an option, and now everybody is dumbfounded as to why I refuse 90% of it and strictly go only when it fits my sleeping schedule and my whim (you can imagine how hilariously crazy it seems to them that my reasoning is "because I'm going to sleep"). Getting away from home and looking for a community with similar interests still seems like the greatest choice (hello covid). I haven't had a friend with similar interests for the past ~12 years, basically ever since I became a teenager, a friend with whom I'd meet "every day after school". I actually cut ties with my last great friend who would always call me to go out and loved me very much, because I felt like I just couldn't hold myself anymore and I didn't want him to see me fall into depression. I quit school, quit my passion, quit everything, and then in due time went to the military where I deliberately asked to be sent to the furthest place from home, and then chased night shifts to be further isolated. I had always tried to open up, desperately needing some company, but the core was just too overwhelmingly rotten. Eventually you buy into the illusion that it's possible to not need anyone, be totally dope with just about anything and try to be one of those "strong independent women" (although I'm a man ;p). But I don't buy it anymore. This X-Ray vision our type gradually develops sees through the fraud, and nobody ever has any invincible personality I'd wish to copy and adopt. But yeah, this old block of text is just a jumble of memories and thoughts I don't usually let out. Recently I got exposed to the Ennegram (4w5 too), which is how I got here. It's strange to see you describing basically myself with a few minor changes. Especially that part where you said in another video how we tend to forget our pasts so much... I really thought that was my thing haha
I just learned this year that I'm an INFJ and things have made so much sense ever since and I'm especially grateful for finding your channel this year as well. People pleasing is the hardest thing for me because I will always put someone before myself. Hearing you talk about how you are trying to value yourself more helped me to realize that I need to do the same. I think that I don't spend enough time loving myself, because I truly don't. I would rather focus my affection elsewhere to other people. Anyways I hope I can continue to learn self-love through this channel. It's great to be in an environment with like-minded people, even if the environment is virtual
I was raised in a cult and definitely had some childhood trauma in the mix. I agree with that theory you mentioned - that people pleasing can be a defense mechanism formed to cope with an abuser. I guess the hard part now is figuring out who I am when I have been wearing a heavy filter for so long. Feels like self expression is a muscle that has been so atrophied. It probably also doesn't help that I feel the need to protect others from what I think because I see the world with a sense of despair. Your video has been really helpful, I think I will try to watch myself more with friends and see if I can catch myself filtering.
Sorry it's long - but I think you'll find it rewarding Katie; I think you talk like a well-constructed- and very interestingly written book :) I also think you present your new-found wisdom in a mesmerising way and your tempo makes me feel like I'm part of your thought-journey, though the way navigate your way through your material indicates that you're well prepared and you must have some exceptional connectivity skills in your head when you so skillfully talk your way through it all, suppressing the natural stress that comes with having to spend some seconds to find words for your intended connections as you see them. I am so impressed! And equally thankful for being allowed to listen to your hard-found experience and wisdom. It's almost poetical at times - the way you choose the words that bridges different sciences or professions. I kind of wish you'd been my sister :) it's really enjoyable listening in - and I do hope you continue on, as it's also very educational and yet inspiring and it helps speed up our own thought-connecting process, battling with our unique and often isolated personalities. One idea I'd propose for you to explore (if you're open for new topics, that is) as you are the Enneagram type 4 wing 5 (and thus better intellectually than me to conceptualise things, as I am type 4 and wing 2 slash 1 - thereby; one of my big things are giving praise where it’s due) is what faith can do to one’s personality traits. The reason for bringing it up is that I do identify myself in everything you talk about - 100%... but with small differences that either adds or breaks from the INFJ "box". Differences I've noticed between myself and other INFJs I've came across (it's kind of interesting that you - living in the States - hadn't come across any INFJs in your first video - and here I am in Norway with our miniscule population, having met 4 INFJs since I first found out about MBTI a year ago). And I judge my differences to be rooted in me believing in Jesus and I do so on my own accord and not as a result from any church organisation's talkative abilities. The internet says that one thinks that Jesus had an INFJ personality (if he were limited to only one) - but that's beside my point. My point is that I theorise around me being a bit more open, a bit more playful and a bit more family-oriented in relations to complete strangers as a result of my faith and the values it preaches ..the results being that I seem to break a bit from the typical isolation and privacy that INFJs portray to strangers. So perhaps faith and different 'value-sets' contributes to the INFJ in a similar way as the Turbulent and the Assertive trait does? I do know that INFJs tend to be more spiritually interested than most - and out of those 4 people I know to be INFJs; they're split 50/50 between delving into yoga (and more alternative stuff I don't know much about) and christianity. So I would think a spiritual episode of sorts would be of particular interest to INFJs and might be something to explore and present for someone as intellectual as yourself!? I'd love to do it myself, but seeing that you're wing 5 and have this great ability to fact-find and present your findings in such a likeable way, I propose you do it and then I'll come along to praise it afterwards #playingtoourstrenghts Smile :) You're a great person and you do great things that have good impacts on the likes of me.
Hi! I appreciate your comment a lot, and the thought you put into it. I’m really thankful that you enjoy the way I talk and weave connections in real time, because I have felt pretty self-critical about that, actually. I realize that if I prepared what I was going to say better, I would say it in a much more concise and polished way. At the moment, though, that doesn’t feel right to me, and I tend to always follow my gut. Anyway, thank you for letting me know you enjoy it, truly. It helps. Now, to the more important part of your comment… I feel like I have gotten a small taste of what you are describing, with the way that your faith has influenced your “INFJ-ness.” I have, for a long time, been like the other INFJ’s you describe.. keeping my mind open to different forms of spirituality, and sort of waiting until one really “captures” me or feels “true” in my core… I know everyone has their own spiritual journey, and I will just say that lately I’m feeling a pull to christianity in a way that I never did before. And I have felt a bit of what it may be like to be an INFJ-A type rather than -T… just in general more playful and openly loving and compassionate to others, and having a more optimistic outlook on life, and feeling the connectedness of all things in God, as I believe you were describing. I guess, I’m on my journey, and it feels very personal to me at the moment so I’m not yet at a place where I’m ready to include it in my videos. Anyway, your words have encouraged within me something I’ve already been feeling, or something that is growing within me lately. So thank you! I look forward to a life where I may be less “turbulent,” less isolated, less in a “box,” etc. So thank you, and, just know that I believe you’re spot on with with what you’re saying. Also- does it ever feel a little strange to you to discuss such important things through a screen? It almost feels like I’m tainting something that is incredibly sacred. I don’t know!
@Katie Marie *Gosh - a youtube-celebrity talked to me ;) :) And what a talk it was! I loved it. Thanks for having let me into your lines of thought for a brief moment - I feel honoured having been found "worthy" of it, but also by possibly having impacted you in a positive way (I used to think - years before she "acted out" to the world - that "had I only been able to connect to Britney Spears; I'd have the potential to genuinely and selflessly lift her spirits a bit more - n o t that I would ever compare your spirit to hers! You are not lost the way Britney seem to be at the moment. Not at all! You are nearly ‘there’ :)). Anyways, thanks a lot for putting pen to paper on your appreciation - it truly lifted my spirit and I will cherish it :) So.. I want to add to your talking style just shortly; I think if you were more "pro" or "snappy"; to-the-point and matter-of-fact-ish; you'd of course do well with that - and it might serve you well (what do I really know about this kind of stuff - I'm not an entertainer like my boss :) ) b u t what I do know for myself - is that if you do so, I think we'd lose out on your personality - which I think comes across so easily through the screen the way you do it now. And t h a t is valuable in today's society where loneliness seems to spread like fire. And I think it's even more important that your personality is allowed forth with your core-group, because we do kinda like authenticity and genuineness :) we love it in fact! So if you're able to keep on to that while your popularity skyrockets, I'd be really impressed - because I bet that will pose a challenge. Now over to the core part of your reply :) (and sorry if this comes across as an attempt to evangelize - it’s not meant like that at all. It’s more a type of testimony which is meant as an encouragement for your own journey and it’s kind of polar-opposite of ‘tainting anything sacred’. Remember, both Jimmy Carter and Mother Theresa were INFJ a n d christians). Wouldn't it be fun if we became siblings through faith? :) To me it all makes sense to believe in God when one looks at the complexity of nature and animals and how it all interacts so randomly, yet so surprisingly perfect and resilient. I find it more fascinating to think that this all happened on a fluke - considering the vast space and the conditions that need to be so incredibly accurate to make it all happen. But thinking like this isn’t enough for me to keep my faith alive. What the bible talks about needs to be real to me. It needs to be actualised in my own life. And that’s where my personal journey started - seeking my own experiences. So.. my personal encouragement would be to stay open-minded. Always remain critical! And above all; keep it personal. There are many opinions and many unhealthy interpretations out there - particularly in the US. But luckily there's also genuinely good and positive churches spread across the US. That is why it's important to remain critical so one spots the good from the bad. One’s faith will fluctuate throughout life. That's why it's so important to be personal about your faith. Gather your own experiences and cherish them in your heart. They will be valuable when challenging times comes around. Faith is supposed to be personal. It's supposed to be genuine and real, messy and down-to-earth while it's also "cleaner" and "purer" than we humans are ever able to be. So we’ll have something worthwhile stretching towards - that’s supposed to be purely positive and uplifting for us. I would never think that these things are too sacred. The core of christianity is to just be a loving family. Imagine a truly loving family (the tv-show ‘This is us’ springs to mind). And then try to visualise an even better family than you originally imagined. Then I think you’re close to grasping what christianity is all about. I often say I live by this; ‘The sum of God’s word; is truth’ - meaning that one need to absorb all of the content and draw a red line through it all. And in the case of christianity, that red line is l o v e. And if you pick something from the bible and try to live by it and it doesn’t resonate with love - then it’s probably a miss and should be corrected. I know this is abbreviated and a bit conclusive (to sum up my thoughts and experiences will take a lot more space than this), but I'll none the less share it; I've skydived - which is regarded by most as providing a high and being exhilarating. Well - I've also encountered a presence so "heavy" and dense and all-consuming (only once - but I’ve felt similar on occasions), that I cannot ever deny that there is something else between heaven and earth. And that experience was waaay more thrilling and satisfying than jumping out of airplanes or doing any of the other craziness I’ve done. And then there’s speaking in tongues… how does one rationalise that when one’s got it? The bible says there are different applications to speaking in tongues - one being a sign for those who do not yet believe. And how does one get it? It’s either through asking and receiving it instantly (as I did in a classroom at a school when attending a Christian meeting and agreeing to that a friend could pray that I got it - it was super-embarrassing:)), or by “standing in faith” and praying until you receive it (which I also had to do - because as the instant thing was too embarrassing, I refuse to use it - and lost it. 6 months later I decided I wouldn’t leave the church until I got it back - and it has since never left). You might wonder what the point of it all is ..then we’re two :) But it’s mainly a secret prayer-language that asks for good things for you - undefiled by our human nature. So at least I have that as a sign for Gods existence - if everything else should be forgotten :) I hope you (who else would last reading this long ;)) achieve something similar - because you definitely deserve it, and you’re worth it and if what I believe is true - I know who’s trying to pull you into ‘the family’ :) But please do it your way - in your tempo. That’s the only sustainable way of building your faith in a genuine way. I love this kind of communication - and I honestly think you (and every other person on the planet) have lots to contribute with. So I get a lot out of listening to other’s experiences. Should you (or I guess anyone else reading this) want to communicate privately (because there is a limit to how open one can be in a public comment-field), you can email me at gjersdalen@gmail.com It’s not like I’ll travel the globe to hunt you down in these COVID times :) though I do look forward to being able to safely travel abroad again! I promise - like you Katie does (and I loved your heart’s intention on that one); that I’ll read and reply to anything I’d get. Oh, and I’m Finn by the way :)
@@katiemarie8899 Hi Katie, I was raised a Christian, and now I have recently been in a process of reconsidering many of my theological beliefs. I now know more about the different denominations of Protestantism, Catholicism, Orthodoxy and Progressive Christianity. Which church you belong to is secondary to your relationship to God but still important. All the best with your spiritual journey, I will pray for you! I also would be more than happy to discuss anything about Christianity with you over email.
Bravo Katie! for doing such an amazing and "authentic" job of communicating this nuanced subject matter. I found this very easy to follow and understand. I think this world could use a lot more honest and effective communicators like you! I applaud your tenacity for personal growth and so appreciate your insights. I can't thank you enough for sharing your journey on youtube! I'm just one of, no doubt, many who have been greatly helped by your videos. All the best to you! A fellow INFJ.
Hi Katie. Peterson's message on telling the truth had a big impact on me too. I was curious about what that looks like practically, so I looked for another book about telling the truth and found Radical Honesty by psychologist, Brad Blanton. I highly recommend (assuming you've already read 12 Rules). I didn't agree with everything he had to say, but like 90% was extremely insightful, and helpfully practical. Check it out! Or don't. Good job on the self compassion; it's worth it. Here are some words of wisdom that have helped me, and might help you. Carl Jung said, "who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. There is no coming to consciousness without pain." He also said, "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
Katie, you are a breath of fresh air, you really do put yourself out there. Do you have a private site or email where I could send you a direct connection that will not be posted? You are fantastic at getting to the point and explaining the different situations.
Intj here... The discovery of the own power to say "No" is the most important goal any person should learn. It took me years to learn that. Good to see that you are on the right path. A No...is also an answer!
Awesome progress. I know it's tough to stay true to your empathetic core (which is paradoxically genuine for us as INFJs) while also holding/ reinforcing/ rediscovering your own boundaries or "truth." It's easier to call out narcissism in others (whether it's true or false) and ignore our own culpability in our pain. It's been hard learning to remember that because other people aren't quite as sensitive (or sensitive in the same way) as I am, some slights are more about me than them. If we're emotionally sunburnt and someone taps us on the shoulder, it FEELS more like an attack than it actually is. We have to inform them, and give them grace & mercy as they learn to deal with us over time. Of course we also need to stay perceptive of who is and isn't going to handle us with the care that we ask for, and adjust boundaries over time. PATIENCE IN THE PROCESS (I hate those words lol, but they're true and necessary). Thanks for the great content as always. Keep growing!!!
I have started using a new tactic recently. I am screening the people around me more and wait a little longer than I use to before I talk with them. I am also being a little more mysterious? It is a good thing to not say everything right away. That way I wont regret that I shared too much so that I have to cover it up again later.
I have mostly been doing that myself all my life, not letting people to close to soon. You are right to do so. It's kind of like a boundary, a safety net if you will. Thank you for the comment.
Thank you so much for making these videos. As someone who is also an INFJ and 4w5, I completely connect to the topics you talk about. People pleasing and over-agreeableness are some of the my biggest issues and leave me with a feeling of dishonesty. I feel that a lot of us are just chameleons for other’s emotions and opinions, which can be an extremely tiring thing to maintain. I fully relate to when you said being so inauthentically agreeable is sort of the same as lying. I have always thought my own inauthenticity is just something I have to deal with because I couldn’t stand to cause any kind of tension or disrupt the peace, but watching this has really made me realize that no one wants that kind of dishonesty in a relationship and it makes the whole basis of the relationship false as the other person will never really know you if you are just a mirror for their thoughts and opinions. Thank you for making this content and helping to start conversations on these topics that are so often not discussed.
For a lot of people, it's hard to know what their true feelings are or what the truth is that they want to tell. I think growth is being able to distinguish who is worthy of help and relating to and who is not. I think if most look back on bad dead end relationships they will find all the clues right at the beginning.
I’ve discovered I’m infj but without nearly the brains you have . Thank you so much for sharing yourself in your videos . You have helped me and I’m sure many others
Very interesting and heartfelt video. I personally think that people pleasing, at its best, is taking real joy at preventing unnecessary suffering which seems like a win-win to me. You are being authentic by preventing other people from messing with the positive aspects of themselves. What seems to be working for me is using some sort of screening method when meeting new people, such as being very upfront about my quirks and preferences and making my boundaries explicit early on when meeting people, usually in a joking fashion. The people that are attracted to these characteristics are in turn the ones that stick by and it turns out that these people are never overly or unreasonably demanding of me. When they ask for help with something it usually is with a cause or issue I see as valid. Other times you have to be more reserved and go by trial and error, i.e. less giving at first until you make sure that the other person is worth it. Personally, the hardest situation to employ such strategies is when dealing with people in positions of authority (e.g. professors, supervisors, state officials etc). Then, for me, the best way at such instances is trying to find like minded, giving people in equal or higher position and collaborate with them. It seems that there are always a few of these people -mainly introverts-, feeling isolated and frustrated with their oblivious or draining peers. They tend to like helping younger people in their field, workplace, etc. struggling with similar issues; maybe by helping you they are getting the chance to say an indirect "fuck you" to the system - again "win-win". Joining up in team efforts is always a choice but it can lead to you being in charge of all the actual work and burning out; exhaustion from social interactions is the cherry on top if you are introverted. What I am trying to say is that focusing on being attentive to people is but a strategy to play the game we call life. I think it is a build that favors the long term, and if you are careful and lucky enough you are going to end up with small groups of high quality people in your life. Like most strategies of going about life it can turn pathological, of course, e.g. - by neglecting your needs in favor of others - by feeling lonely or exhausted during screening for people worthy of your time - though being interest in exploring human characteristics can be entertaining and alleviate some of these negatives etc. In spite of that, people that tend to be labeled as "people pleasers", by themselves and others, shouldn't feel like "freaks", "pushovers", "beta", etc. By establishing some boundaries upfront and being vigilant one can enjoy the amazing feeling of making people he or she sees as worthy of happiness happy. I, also, think societal norms and pop psychology trends that overly emphasize protecting one's "needs", "rights", "happiness" etc. tend to forget that some people need to feel like they are agents for positive change, a process of finding enjoyment not in "experiencing" or "protecting oneself" from something but rather in '"acting" (despite the cost) towards something; think something Isaiah Berlin's "negative" vs "positive" liberty. Anyway, as a male from a society of emotionally open extroverts (Greece), and with limited trauma experience, my experience may differ from that of others. Since nothing's black and white we should never feel like being "people pleasers" is by default a bad thing; God knows the world needs more such people in the forefront right now. Stay vigilant, stay weird, stay awesome. Cheers
INTP-t and type-3 here, appreciate your videos as they bring me new insight. I've dealt with narcissists before but not in a romantic situation, I was trying co-found a fintech startup and was working under a REALLY narcissistic guy. Like when I first met him he was a really friendly and outgoing guy and he hid his negative traits very well under a vanere of professionalism and that 'businessman' charm, though as months carried on the demands and deadlines he placed upon me grew too much and I would go out of my way to execute in time(I was the tech lead and coder). Like I gave up important holidays and skipped meal and sacrifices physical and mental health just to hit those irrational deadlines, and I wasn't getting paid either, only in equity. Got yelled at alot, should have quite there and then. Ultimately the entire experience ended in an absolute disaster for me, he falsely accused me of a cybercrime and launched an investigation against me. The case was recently closed as 'unfounded'. Been slowly making a recovery ever since. Anyways that's my story of dealing with narcissists, I appreciate your insights.
To me, this was the most inspirational video you published so far. I am both a compulsive people pleaser and an INFJ and the notion of this attitude being arrogant truly was an eye-opener for me. Thank you for your insights. You are a star which shines brighter than you can imagine.
Grew up in a very toxic family dynamic. I sought out relationships that were very chaotic. And it's weird because none of it's active. You tell yourself, "At least now I get to choose. I get enough issues with my family". But you just gravitate towards what's familiar, not what's healthy. It's like learning a new skill. You are going to be nervous, make mistakes, and need to be completely mentally alert. You can NOT go on auto-pilot. Maybe after a few years of practice. I'm not an INFJ though. I'm almost the opposite in typing, but we all share in this struggle. I don't always agree with things like 'door-slams', but sometimes it's for the best. Everyone is at a different stage of personal growth. We try to learn from each other and move on. Hopefully more able to form and maintain healthy relations going forward. The best part about Myers Briggs is learning about my defaults, other's defaults, and forming a smidgen of sympathy for them instead of intellectually sanitized empathy. I'll agree that empathy is a good place to start, but it's sympathy that really moves a person into positive actions.
Great to hear you working through this. See people-pleasing for what it is and take responsibility for it. I am heading towards my 50's and am only just getting to grips with this. As you say, it isn't all bad, but if you are not aware of it it can lead to misery. Good for you.
Among all the benefits of watching your videos, there’s one that’s more for you that I’ve noticed, and I’d like to point it out: In this medium, you don’t have to worry about others getting impatient and trying to finish your thoughts and sentences for you. INFJs have that tendency to pause often, to collect their thoughts, access their intuitions, think of the best (or at least a better) way to put something, to make sure they’re really saying what they mean, etc. This is something I’ve had to put up with a lot, and it can still bother me, although not to the degree it used to. With you, from my perspective, I enjoy watching you carefully piece it all together, roaming eyes, pauses and all, not least of all because of your obvious genuineness and honesty. It’s a refreshing thing and makes it very easy, because you know you’ll be able to trust the completed thought. I hope that makes sense.
I've actually been watching a huge amount of Jordan Peterson's stuff on youtube. Any INFJ would like his content a lot, I feel like I'm being given the secrets of reality because he speaks so truthfully about so many topics, mostly relating to people and society as he's a clinical psychologist. And people, I believe, type him as an INFJ 5w6 too, which is cool. I just got his two books, 12 Rules for Life and Maps of Meaning. I've started the second one, and it is beyond interesting, I'd really recommend both his books and lectures/clips online (I left a relevant excerpt from Maps of Meaning and a short analysis in a reply down below.) And thanks for the video Katie, of course. It actually is pretty well timed for me. Hope you keep doing well.
Summary and excerpt from Maps of Meaning by Jordan Peterson: He says that the world of value and choices is made of three parts. The unknown, the explored, and the archetypal individual (or chaos, order, individual). In the context of people pleasing with the quotes ahead, I view the unknown as a lack of harmony, the explored as the harmony that agreeable people cling to (thus stifling creativity and progress in many ways), and the individual as the thing they repress, but is also the antidote to the problem. Here it is: "Unprotected exposure to unexplored territory produces fear. The individual is protected from such fear as a consequence of ritual imitation of the Great Father [the explored]-as a consequence of the adoption of group identity, which restricts the meaning of things, and confers predictability on social interactions. When identification with the group is made absolute, however-when everything has to be controlled, when the unknown is no longer allowed to exist-the creative exploratory process that updates the group can no longer manifest itself. [.......] Rejection of the unknown is tantamount to "identification with the devil," [which] amplifies the dangers inherent in group identification, which tends of its own accord towards pathological stultification. Loyalty to personal interest-subjective meaning-can serve as an antidote to the overwhelming temptation constantly posed by the possibility of denying anomaly. Personal interest-subjective meaning-reveals itself at the juncture of explored and unexplored territory, and is indicative of participation in the process that ensures continued healthy individual and societal adaptation." If you enjoyed that, buy his books :)
I also have listened to a lot of his stuff, including most of his podcast episodes. I think he has great insight into human psychology. I finally got around to reading his books, and I am almost finished maps of meaning which I concur is incredibly interesting. I have seen people type Jordan Peterson as an ENTJ which makes sense, but I have always suspected him to be an INFJ. That is mostly because I relate to him on a deeply personal level, I am an INFJ 5w4 myself. Also it is very interesting that two of Jordan Peterson's 'heroes' or mentors are Carl Jung and Friedrich Nietzsche who are also typed as INFJ. In the last year my worldview or perspective on the world has dramatically shifted, and for that reason alone I am glad to have read Maps of meaning, because it provides so much insight into how a change in our map of the world and the meaning of it can occur as well as its psychological effect on us. I would be interested in discussing the his book or work with you Varalis, and in any case I appreciate your comment.
@@jeffbarnes6590 haha I'll need a minute to finish the book. But I have been watching a lot of his stuff online, and it has shifted my brain a lot. I feel like I see things clearer, as he explains things so logically and his views resonate with me because I feel like they are true. He says he just searches for the truth, and it really does seem that way. His lectures are amazing, but also seeing him dismantle peoples' arguments so easily and without malice has opened my eyes to the logic behind what people say. INFJs are usually good at understanding the meaning of what people say as it relates to that persons' being and emotional state, but I've never been as good as others when it comes to arguing (or discussion/defending your viewpoint/seeing the flaws in what people say.) Watching Jordan break apart what other people say after watching his lectures and knowing he doesn't come from a place of malice, has really helped me embrace my logical side, at least as it relates to people. It feels awesome. It makes me think that I may lean more towards 5w4 instead of 4w5, I've been trying to figure out which one feels more natural to me. So it feels good to have my enneagram more settled than it was, it's taken me longer to figure out my enneagram type than MBTI.
I am sorry to say but jp is not a person whose views and perspectives you should follow. His views are extremely problematic, granted; on SOME topics he might have a good command. Check out the video by Ana psychology who is a clinical psychology student where she debunks and dismantles jp’s problematic views. As an infj, I myself was taken away with his persuading aura of speaking. But make no mistake, that man doesnt know what he is doing.
@@munima5699 How can you tell whether I'm listening to his aura or his logic? If I was taken away by pure aura, I'd be on the side of the people he talks to, who are all feeling and manner of saying, rather than the content of what they're saying. From what I can see, what JP says isn't necessarily about his views. It's about what's morally right or rational/proven, which he then adopts as his view. I may look at the channel, but he has a PhD. He's lectured at Harvard. Written books. Practicing clinical psychologist. I'm not entirely sure how he doesn't know what he's doing when the point of a PhD, as I understand it, is that you've learned all there is to know about the subject. And how could I know that you're aren't just being "swayed" by the aura of the channel you mentioned? You know what I mean? Not trying to be argumentative for argument's sake, but you make it seem as if I'm not thinking about what he's saying and am just instantly accepting it as fact because he speaks with authority and precision.
I basically came to realize everything that you noted in this video. I have held on to my people pleasing ability for people and instances that actually deserve it, but i only use it in rare occasions. I basically realized that i had beliefs and that it was up to me to stick to them, as well as defend those positions. I also stopped allowing myself to slip into a victim mentality as well as let other's be treated as if they're victims. At the end of the day i can only rely on myself to defend me, and if i cant defend myself that's on me. Anyway, i kept speaking my opinion in situations that i normally wouldn't, and overtime i stopped allowing myself all together to be a door matt. Stick up for yourself and your beliefs. You're doing good, keep it up
I like that you are conscious of your inner motivations- it's a great ability. And I love that you called people pleasing lying- I feel the same and I just realized it by listening to you. Thank you!
What a great video, Katie! Thanks so much for making and sharing your insight on the topic of people pleasing. It's like you were speaking to me personally. I really needed to hear this message today. I've people pleased my whole life because I hate conflict. Now I'm at the stage of my life where I want my life back, I want to discover who I really am. I want to live as my own person, not as an extension of someone else. Sort of scary, though, to take the steps needed to be my own authentic self.
It's absolutely terrifying! I am terrified by just putting this video out there, speaking authentically about things. I'm with you on this, I hope we can all grow closer to living in our truths, one terrifying leap of faith at a time.
I got around this by committing myself to act in everyone's best interests by raising the bar wherever I go. I never lie or encourage what I would see as negative just to get along or fit in. I do this not because it's better for me, but because it's better for them. Ultimately though, you can only do this if you value yourself and your input on matters around you.
Well done. This made a more clear distinction between empathy and “self harming people pleasing”. It seems the difference lies within the actual truth. Hearing your videos has given me more hope that we can be better understood.
Thank you, Katie. You have addressed so many of the issues I've been dealing with over the past 6 years. I'm in the process of putting this advice into action, by valuing my own needs and boundaries. It's not easy, but a whole lot less painful than people pleasing and denying my own truth and self. (Fellow INFJ)
I thank you so so much for this video! It summarizes so well spoken and scientifically everything I began to realize and understand step by step this year! Especially changing from victim perspective to taking responsibility, to avoid transforming again in such a toxic dynamic! Your content should get much more attention, I thank you very much again 💞
I’m learning to unlearn the persistent people-pleasing tendencies in my own life. I’ve always found myself giving so much of my energy to the point where I don’t realize my well has run dry until it’s too depleted, and then I shut down for a little bit. Therapy is helping. I grew up around an emotionally abusive situation and healing has been a long, winding road. But I’ve become so much more self-aware than I used to be. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, even when I feel like an alien sometimes! Thanks for the insightful video. Very inspiring.
at some point. in everyone life. You realize that even people out there criticize Steve Irwin. You just won't please everyone, you won't get along with everyone, but as soon as you find that out, and you weed out all the fake friends. You will attract people who truly want to engage and be around you. Which is 100x better than what you had before.
Dear Katie, i sincerely hope that you know that you have been blessed with beauty beyond belief. Don't you never ever let somebody convince you otherwise or doubt yourself about that fact. I know it's the hardest thing to do from personal experience. I'm 48 now and haven't found the holy grail either. I have left people behind which were good friends just because i loved them and couldn't stand to tell them the truth because i knew it would hurt them. I can relate to at least 90% of your experiences and feelings and you are very good in expressing these so keep them videos coming as long as it feels positive for you. A major recommendation from me is GO TRAVEL THE WORLD. There is nearly nothing that can enrich your life more. I could go on forever but you requested some music somewhere so as an old guy i recommend the albums "Laughing Stock" and "Spirit of Eden" by Talk Talk. Maybe Helium, Mary Timmony, Sleater Kinney, Nick Cave and the bad Seeds, for destructive moods there is nothing better then Einstürzende Neubauten or Slayer. You should definetly watch Henry Rollins Spoken Words or read his books. His works and music gave me much inspiration and help on new perspectives in life. Cheers, Olaf th-cam.com/video/In1B7zWMBuI/w-d-xo.html
There are theories stating that we take on the role that is needed in a group, and I think that's quite interesting in relation to your last point, that you always want to know the truth and what other people think. There may be merit (not in the least for myself) in reflecting on whether there has been a lack of acknowledgement of ones opinions and needs in the past, leading one to perceive that lack of a role in the "group", and therefore taking it on. I also really think you hit a point in the paradox between ones need for honesty and at the same time shying from tension. I think my realisation has been that it's not really a conflict until you or your counterpart stop trying to understand one another. Perhaps the people pleasing comes from a distrust in other peoples ability to take on ones perspective while remaining detached from their own feelings. We, the INFJs, do struggle with moving from affective empathy to cognitive empathy, and especially further to empathic precision. Maybe we judge other people by our own flaws.
Wow, that last sentence... I completely agree, we lack empathic precision. You're expanding on some of what I was trying to say in this video- I've been realizing so much lately how much of my "empathy" for others is really redirected empathy that I'm longing to receive myself. I subconsciously assume other people are just as emotionally sensitive as I am, so I'm constantly projecting myself onto others, in a sense. Growing up, I had a therapist who was the first person to tell me I was an "empath." She instilled in me the idea that I'm this benevolent, angel-type of a person who has been abused. It blows my mind that there are people out there spreading these ideas about "empaths," because, to me, it is encouraging the development of covert narcissism. Taking responsibility and realizing I'm far from an angel is truly setting me free!
@@katiemarie8899 I absolutely resonate with your statement on covert narcissism! It is precisely covert, even to ourselves. Furthermore I believe that the general idea of empaths having some kind of super power is neglecting the fact that there is a cost to it. Sure, there are times when an overly developed sympathy (or affective empathy) has its benefits, but one shall not forget that it brings the consequence of empathy as a psychological process being stuck in a perpetual loop, unable to conclude logical, or in worst case scenario affective empathy as a subprocess.
I have had to work on this as well throughout my life. I think it comes with the territory of being empathic. Consider this though, according to developmental studies, the higher stages of human development are also associated with greater capacity for care, compassion, and understanding of others. So that's the good side of it, the shadow side is, I believe, exactly what you've pointed out here. There are many times when I've held back on my authenticity, due to wanting to stay agreeable with others. I saw a quote recently that really hit home, it said something along the lines of, it's better to tell the truth at the expense of being disagreeable because ultimately you will attract the right people into your life. The ones you want to take notice. The ones who appreciate Truth, Authenticity, and the ones who will Love and accept you for who you truly are. Good talk... thanks for sharing your viewpoint.
Hello Katie! I basically watched all your videos on a single run, and I felt like you were describing me all along. It feels great to be guided by people who feel the same as us. Hope you'll upload more content, but I dont want to put the pressure on you either! Great work! PS: I m a young adult male from a completely different cultural background, yet the personality similarities are astonishing, It's wonderful how the structure of the human mind can transcend origin and/or gender!
Well articulated! I'm an ENFJ so this is an area that I have a lot of struggles in this area. I guess the hard part for me is I identify a lot with where other people are coming from, quite often even more so than even with who I am and my own needs but weirdly enough I often have found myself strangely separate from the crowd as well. It could have something to do with age group, a lot of people my age and class left our city for greener pastures quite a while ago, it could also have something to do with the fact I'm not married. I just don't fit in to a lot of categories of society around me.. I have also had a tendency to suppress my desire to be on stage, for example, in the theatre where I am quite involved and I have had quite a bit of involvement backstage but I have been auditioning and been on stage more and more while not ditching completely the other things I do. It's all a process & a journey!
Well done ,you are so real ,spoke with your heart. I relate to you 100 percent like a mirror.Just discovered how deep my people pleasing was &is.Had an explosion few months ago ,haven’t been the same since.my abuser has been a blessing in disguise.keep talking you are my other me.love you Bernard
Very beautiful sharing Katie. You are wise beyond your years. Thank you for unpacking some of the hidden aspects of people pleasing. I agree with you about the subtle dishonesty, arrogance, and potentially detrimental effects of telling the truth in order to people please. Thank you for your insight and honesty!
Fellow INFJ here!! 🥰 Several years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD with my therapist at the time calling it CPTSD (and I agree, it’s just a struggle with the DSM5 being behind the times) and I struggle so much with people pleasing to the point where I dread going to work everyday because I’m a supervisor for young adults (some older than me) and teens who are student workers at a college, and I also have to play a role in catching students doing things that violate policy (drinking/drugs/fights/etc.) and its hard because I grew up in a very conflict-heavy household even through all the times I came home from college between semesters. It got to the point where I felt like the only way I could avoid constant anxiety attacks was to become the family therapist and mediator just to keep them from shooting themselves/stabbing each other.....it was rough. I can’t deal well with people yelling around me because of the yelling and screaming all around me throughout my formative years, so I really struggle to deal with the more aggressive/violent situations at my work (even though they’re rare, I still dread them happening). This is something I have also been trying to work on, but it’s so hard because I know I desperately need regular therapy to learn tools fit to me specifically but I can’t afford it anymore and my shift is the night shift at work, so I sleep during most of the work day. I try to remember to forgive myself for this dread and constant stress/anxiety that comes from the PTSD, but that’s hard too. So thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, because on the one hand it’s so helpful to know Im (obviously) not the only one struggling with this, and on the other hand because some of your points I think might be helpful for me too if I keep working hard on it. I really hope this is something that you’re able to work through and get better at! Best wishes!! 💕
I wrote a lengthy paragraph on boundares, authenticiy and surrounding yourself with people who value you. But then I got to the end and you summed it up better than I could of. You have a beautiful heart and I hope to see you being your best self, sharing your creativity and energy. I would also recommend reading "the body takes the score" on trauma it's really good. INFP 4w5
Oh and a big reason you want harmony is because of suffering others have caused you in the past and therefore you want to avoid those conflicts even though you dont agree with what they say. Thats how i see it
Sweet girl, you are so far on this journey! As someone much older I am envious at your approach and willingness to look into the mirror. Kudos, keep growing.
Hi Katie! First I would like to say; thank you for taking your time to make this video for all of us. I personally relate to a lot of your stories and have been watching your channel for a while. I’m a quiet listener and do not comment much. But I felt compelled to comment here. I too am an INFJ as well as a 2w4 Enneagram. I’m very empathic and have always known that about myself. For reference: I’m male, 25. Grew up in a divided home. Dad and mom divorced at a very early age and I have no memories of them being together. Growing up my mom was single for most of my childhood (up to age 10) my dad re-married early in my life (age 3) I remember constantly having to switch “faces” going between each “life”. My mom is very sweet, empathic and quiet like me. So I would tend to be more soft spoken with her. My dad was always on edge, upset, so I was constantly on my toes. Becoming an adult I realize I bring a lot of those into my love life. Wanting to make sure they are feeling good, taken care of... I’m obsessed with that. For reference: I look for true love, I don’t do one night stands or talk to multiple woman at once. There has been one female in my life that has constantly gotten away. There’s a lot about her that I won’t bring into this. One thing I will say, is that I can tell she is very empathic but is locked away due to her past abusive relationship. But I do find myself wanting to be that person to “fix” her. But I feel terrible thinking that way. I’m holding back what I want for myself. I tell her what she wants to hear and what I feel will keep the relationship in this bubbly state.. when in the end it’s making it worst. I do not know where to go in most cases.. so I leave it be and deal with it internally. That’s until I’ve kept it in to much and I explode. We’ve never gotten into an argument because we both do this. We both don’t want to hurt the person.. we both have a lot to work through. I just wanted to wrap this up by saying you put another perspective on this that I haven not seen before and I want to thank you for that! I’m working on it and I believe as long as you realize “faults” in your life are learning experiences and I’m working towards finding my complete self.
I understand how you feel and sad to say; sometimes we need to leave these people behind. As angelic or helpful we might wish to present ourselves, we can't save them. They have to save themselves. We can't burn our light selves out because, welp, they won't help us if we do. We can show a path but they have to strike the match. :)
Wow, wow, wow!!! this video is SO great. I know exactly what you're talking about and have experienced it many times in my interactions with a wide variety of people. Whenever you talk, it makes me feel seen and understood. I'm INFJ as well and i have struggled to put these things you talk about into my own words. Your articulations help me a LOT. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and real!!! And self-aware. I especially loved the middle part where you talk about how we as INFJs have a part in the situation of being oppressed and how we can cause/bring it out of people. I love that you brought that up, it gave me hope and empowered me to realize that well, if I can cause it to happen then that is actually good news because it means it is within my power to not LET it happen as well by changing how I present myself to people, etc. Thank you!! :)
Katie, there is another possibility that you may want to consider. It is looking at another facet of your being-personality. You need a man that has the capacity to match your self giving. When a man and a woman enter into a relationship where both are focused on the other. This is the relationship type yo should look for. You have depth of personality that is endearing and attractive. The area that I sense in you is your need to be loved and to love. The area you need to develop is to be yourself and don't opt for just going along. Don't over analyze yourself Katie. Don't change to much just have the confidence to be true to your self. Finding a man with matching qualities and similar interests. You are a woman that wants a relationship that has intimacy as opposed to sexual only. They say opposites attract, I don't think so. I think that is a trap which leads to a bad and lonely relationship. The way you are being open is how you should be Katie. Being selfless is a good thing, a very good thing. Aim to find a man with those matching qualities and don't settle for less.
Wow, first off just want to say this was very mature and insightful. Beyond that, I feel your really onto something with your new angle in dealing with people pleasing. It's hard for Infjs just to focus on self love, because love particularly self love in a Fi function which is unfortunately in our critic slot. This is probably the reason we often just mirror others because Fi critic produces guilt, and if we try to use a self love emotion we have to fight against the guilt. BUT in your new approach you could almost argue that you are using guilt as a motivator rather than trying to fight against it. Instead of trying to overcome it with another emotion like self love, your instead in essence saying "I'm not authentic when I do this, I'm not contributing my best when I do this, and that makes me feel guilty." Now NOT acting in your best interest causes the guilt, rather than forcing a positive emotion that Fi critic will oppose you on. Most people already know INFJs are vulnerable to people pleasing due to high Fe, for obvious reasons. And maybe you already know this, butt what might not be as obvious is Se inferior is a culprit too. Because Se likes to either perform, give an experience, sensation, or otherwise make others comfortable in some way. For me personally, this involves cooking out of of the ordinary meals to give some novelty (Experiences/Sensation), giving out back/neck messages (Sensation), some of my friends like when I Karaoke with/for them (Sensation/Performance). I like to accommodate with things like "Does anybody need more food or drink?"(Make others stay content/comfortable) Or make it known to others they are more than welcome to join in the group activity I've planned, and that it wouldn't be a bother if they participated (not wanting to give a bad experience). Unfortunately this coupled with Fe makes a recipe for a people pleasing disaster. As far as your tendencies to assist or correct other people, unfortunately that is what happens when your top function stacks are Fe, Ni, Se, and Ti. So this effects Enfj, Estp, and Isfp to in some degree. But this Quadra (Which I know as being referred to as Templars) tend to council and mentor others to sharpen their character and Intellect, and in the INFJs case also help them heal by teaching them how to forgive. Ironic considering our Si demon makes us very begrudging and rarely forgetful of a slight. Anyways awesome video again, this was some great content and you obviously have studied the issue of people pleasing and psychology as a whole. Please keep up the great work.
I enjoyed your video very much:)) I appreciate your courage to share. Its something I find hard to do most of the time... so to see others bravery inspires. I've only recently found for myself the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator info. For four decades I lived without this knowledge, but once I heard about it everything started to make sense. All the dots started to connect, now I have to find the courage to share... because if I don't then others wont have a chance to benefit from the internal soundness I have found for myself. I am happy to see what you are doing. this conversation needs to happen and you seem to be passionate about these concepts that are so new to me. Talking with some people about things such as these seem to induce lethargy, when I find it so fundamental to the way people function. So again, I appreciate you sharing. Here is my take..... As with any thing... people pleasing can be good and bad. People should want to be pleasing to others, if not they are probably asinine and not worth your time anyway. With anyone people pleasing becomes bad when its done to feel comfortable with one's self or to make others like you. Always be true to your self first and only care up to a certain point, past that nothing external is worth it anyways. I am an INFJ, to the core, and proud of it. People pleasing is inherently counter-intuitive to our nature. A negatively oriented, turbulent, INFJ people please-er, looks for self-validation in the external world which contradicts the INFJ nature of introversion. We should not depart from our natural instincts. To embrace the introverted path is the INFJ's purpose. Nothing satisfactory can be found in the external for an INFJ, without finding our true self within. Once achieved, intrinsically we INFJ's stand in our own power and negate the desire to people please. No longer looking for outward things to feel satisfied, to feel comfortable enough within our own skin. We all must learn to let go of negative personality traits that affect the INFJ's true character. Our true character, that true self, will bring the magic within us forward into the external as a gift to other people. Therefore, pleasing the people... or at least the ones who deserve and appreciate it. There is so much more to us INFJ's. The water well goes deep. The more we talk with one another.. the more we learn about ourselves and each other. :))... and then we can convert all other personality types to INFJ and the world will become a better place:))
This is so good. I relate. I often think about being in that situation. I've never been in a relationship where the girl was completely honest with me and it always seemed like I bared my soul. A few times I was involved with the narcissistic type as well. In the end, I wasn't able to please them enough and they broke up with me because of that deficiency, which left a heavy wound in me of not being good enough. Since then it's been really difficult for me to be vulnerable with people (especially women). Anyway, I just want to thank you for sharing because it's affecting growth in my life. You're paving the way for others. Thank you. A million times, thank you!
Hey, you’re back! And yes, please, please be patient, you will grow into it, just fine, I swear. This is so hard to watch, as an INFJ over 40, to see you younger ones struggle the exact same way I did, and I’m here to tell you it is going to be just fine. Don’t be too tough on yourself, because you will be, but you have to make sure to retreat, and don’t fight it, you need it to recharge. Trust your feeling to retreat. Don’t be something you are not, even if you feel the external pressure to “try” to be more social, or make more friends, your inner self knows exactly what to do; trust it when it signals the need to withdraw for a while. You will make the friends you need when you need them. You will have the people you need in your life as you need them, and they will be the right ones. You will save yourself pain by trying to change in this way. If you don’t have much interest in socializing, for a while, for however long, don’t force it. You know exactly what to do if your trust what you feel and honor it in the seemingly “small” ways. This exploitation theory I think is nonsense. INFJs aren’t that agreeable. When their values are violated, they are the opposite. You are supposed to be the way you are at 25 anyway, because people tend to treat younger people as if they should be agreeable. It’s kind of on them for doing this and it’s a good way to avoid idiots. Also, we are not so susceptible to this narcissistic abuse at all, we catch on quickly. You at 25, won’t feel this yet, but I promise you, you will not make a habit of this because you will spot them a mile away. It changes because of age and experience, you don’t have to do all the work yourself, time takes care of this as well. But it’s to important as a woman, that you understand that you will not be a victim of narcissists the way you feel you might, at this age, but we are not weak or wimpy. We are extremely empathetic, and the empathy we will feel will be toward the victims of narcissists, not the narcissist. The injustice of this will cause us to feel that our values have been violated, and that will bring out the sleeping giant, and we will express our incredible resolve toward the narcissist. You change a lot in this perception of yourself. I swear, and actually, you aren’t a people pleaser in the way you describe, you actually feel what you say in that moment, it is immediately following that moment that you realize you also feel something completely opposite. God, I did this to myself too. Ugghhhh. Please resist the temptation to draw conclusions. You will find out as I have, that you will be wrong about you. Not about others. No, you aren’t lying and being dishonest. You actually mean what you say when you are in the midst of the connecting part. I swear. I swear. I’m worrying about you now - cuz I know how I was. No, you aren’t selfish, you actually mean it . It’s like watching myself, I’m dying here. I shall stop now. I really hope you read this rather bizarre comment, which became an interaction. Oh no, now you are scolding other INFJs for lying. Oh shit. I gotta gets gone.
As an intj I dont really relate to the people pleasing per say. I do however relate to being selfish and wanting to change. I think or should say hope that the following generations become aware of these ever-present behavioral dynamics at an earlier age than most of us. Im 37yrs old and feel after diving into psychology, the last year, that I've just found the issues I've carried around since I was a fragile and innocent kid. Unfortunately we are the rare personalities that feel these things before we know them. Most others are lost until they have lived their full lives. But thank you for yours thoughts. Keep growing.
I've been reading through Pete Walker's website. His material really resonates with me, and his book is next. I'll check out Jordan Peterson. I appreciate your candid videos. Keep working on yourself, and I will too. (I'm INFJ 4w5, too.)
Metallica - Unforgiven 2... Lay beside me, tell me what they've done Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run The door is locked now, but it's opened if you're true If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you Lay beside me, under wicked sky Through black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze The door cracks open but there's no sun shining through Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through No, there's no sun shining through No, there's no sun shining... What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you? What I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits for you Or are you unforgiven, too? Come lay beside me, this won't hurt, I swear She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again She lay beside me but she'll be there when I'm gone Black heart scarring darker still, yes, she'll be there when I'm gone Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone Dead sure she'll be there... What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you? What I've felt, what I've known Sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits for you Or are you unforgiven, too? Lay beside me, tell me what I've done The door is closed, so are your eyes But now I see the sun, now I see the sun Yes, now I see it What I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you? What I've felt, what I've known So sick and tired, I stand alone Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits, The one who waits for you.... Oh, what I've felt, what I've known Turn the pages, turn the stone Behind the door, should I open it for you? (so I dub thee Unforgiven) Oh, what I've felt... Oh, what I've known... I take this key (never free...) And I bury it (never me...) in you Because you're unforgiven, too... Never free... Never me... 'Cause you're unforgiven, too... Oh
"People-pleasing" is not bad so long as it is honest. For example, volunteering your time to help someone is a form of positive people-pleasing so long as you do not secretly resent doing it. Are you acting from a positive motivation or a negative motivation? Acting out of love is positive, acting out of a desire to avoid conflict (i.e. fear) is negative. I do things to please my wife all the time, not because I fear her displeasure, but because I truly enjoy making her happy! Healthy people-pleasing brings joy while unhealthy people-pleasing brings frustration and makes you feel misused and trapped. Focus on your motivation rather than the action and it will all tend to line up.
I like thinking of it this way because it helps frame the issue in a way that highlights your personal agency rather than labeling someone as an abuser or a victim.
Hi Katie, You have very rightly pointed out the different aspects of being a people pleaser. I have also been thinking lately how I selfishly agree with others and project it outward as something I have done out of good will. While the real reason for my action is to not cause any conflict and somewhere to constantly secure the other person. I really feel you when you said - in reality I am being a liar seeking truth and genuineness from others. I don't let my real self to come out - probably I fear others will reject me. I don't know if this helps. Recently I have been thinking about this a lot - I realised maybe scheduling my assertiveness would help. I am not able to to strike a balance between assertiveness and empathy - that is why I decided to practice assertiveness. By default, I lean towards being out there for others and being mum even when I disagree with them. Or either I would lose my temper and react in a manner that would not be proportionate to the situation. I have decided to take baby steps to owning my truth in front of those near ones who I have felt have taken my needs and perspective for granted. (Sometimes - it could be messy as it might involve bringing back instances from past). Many times it has made me look like I could not be trusted with my feelings. I try not to take that route often - or I take it in a relevant/ appropriate conversation. I don't know if I am really helping myself but it kind of gives me a sense of being free of myself - of the surveillance you spoke of. I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself. In the last video, you had spoken about how much the TH-cam comments get too much for you. I feel you again. I have been planning on posting a comment on some of your previous videos but haven't been really able to. Just wanted to say a big thank you for the video on Healing as an INFJ and how to establish boundaries. It was deeply insightful and meaningful. Your videos mean a lot! Take care.
Thank you for making this video, it's exactly where I'm at right now. Great to hear you talk so authentically about this, it's a message that lots of people will benefit from
I'm an infj too , and I have the exact same problem as you , so I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us , as an infj I know it wasn't so easy for you , lots of love💙💙💙
So pleased to have seen this video, have to reset several boundaries this morning because I've been alittle to agreeable recently. I've noticed I'm too passive.
Again, another thought provoking video! The part about succumbing to the drive to do better by others and remembering the impulse to keep the equilibrium in interactions with people can become more important that the actual interaction itself. And it does overshadow self care and I personally sometimes find my words to not be my own words; just words that fit the bill for that moment. So it’s great and encouraging to hear it said out loud and that others too go through similar experiences. Great job. 👍🏻 :)
Wow this is a great video. THIS inspires me to share my story. Not edited, not trying to be funny or entertaining (not that its bad to be entertaining) but REAL. There may not be much time left for some, with everything going on. ITS TIME TO BE REAL
There is so much I want to say but when I thought about typing it all out (and it basically turning into an essay) I got overwhelmed. I wish we could just sit and talk, but I'd probably just stare at you. Because rejection is my biggest fear. Because rejection means loneliness.
hi Katie, i just found you today. i like what you are doing. it seems to come natural for you. you can help a lot of people ! DO NOT let jerks stop you ! they will try.
I have been the fawn. Thank you for your wisdom on this, your words have convicted me, there’s so much truth to what you are saying. Just so you know I have fallen in love with you. Not in a creepy way, just every word you say and how you say it, in fact in all your videos, it’s like you are me and I am you. I will admit right now in public comments, I’m a liar this way as well, I keep the peace around me all whilst having totally different thoughts inside, I apologize to the world and I am starting a new. Thank you so very much!!!
Katie i feel ya.. look back at your video and how many deep breaths you take from the stress of being perfect with what you saying..im an old introvert and been through all i see in you now ..i got past most of it by be comfortable with who I am .not trying to please so much . Knowing that pleasing as a fake person..and we both know fake is a lie to introverts..learn to let go of the things that make you take those deep breaths ..its only stress that will kill you in the end ..stress is on yourself is much worse than what someone else thinks of you ..we all have this thing of the truth and pleasing as an introvert but learn to get past it believe in yourself and put yourself first even though that sounds bad its most important for you and your health
I want to wholeheartedly thank you for your vulnerability. I am an INFJ-A - I see myself a lot in you. Thank you for these videos which make me feel seen, understood and less alone. I know it takes every fiber to be vulnerable and share publicly like this, and I want to tell you I and many others appreciate it.
Thank you so much! Honestly, after posting this video I've felt like a turtle without its shell. It's a feeling of being exposed on a scale I would have never imagined.. so the encouragement helps! Lol. And when I do share, and I read the comments, I feel like I'm getting insights from some of the wisest, most interesting people out there. It makes it more than worth it.
I would like to add that your self awareness at so young an age is also incredible to listen to. I realise that the internet is an amazing tool, but still we need to apply own our filters of truth. How you are finding yours is marvellously encouraging to someone twice your age.
well said i feel exactly the same
Give it another 20 years. You will still value your truth, but you may or may not wish to share it with others quite so freely. As an 'older' INFJ I can relate to what you are saying. However, trying to communicate with others with that kind of honesty and trust and expecting it to be returned is like looking for a 3 legged unicorn. At least you are aware of narcissists....that is something that I learned rather late in life even though (because?) I was raised by them. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Heartbreaking but true.
A thought-provoking video as always, Katie.
The INFJ and the narcissist seem to be a common dynamic, from what I've seen. The narcissist is essentially someone who is willing to exert their will without little or no regard for the feelings of others, while the INFJ is willing to accommodate the will of others with little or no regard for their own feelings. They're a match that works well enough until the burden of harmonizing with someone for so long (who reciprocates none of the effort) becomes too much to bear, like a duet in which one musician is constantly trying to harmonize with the tune of someone else who whimsically plays whatever they wish.
I think that harmony in America is rather under-valued, while exerting one's own will (assertiveness) is over-valued. Because of this, people who value harmony will often get the short stick when dealing with others - they're the people who often feel required to pick up the slack of the team, and they become stuck in this role until the point of implosion.
With experience, I believe that you learn to recognize when someone is merely self-interested and is only exerting their own will with no true regard for your well-being, and then you are able to put up those behavioral boundaries and become "self-interested" yourself, while only being willing to harmonize with those who would harmonize in return.
That is so true. I, an INFJ myself, find myself accommodating the ideas of others and unconsciously expect others to do the same? But they unfortunately aren't as considerate and the pattern goes until it's too much to bear and I end up exploding ..out of my character. Then I end up feeling guilty to be the one to 'break' the relationship which makes it impossible for me to stand my ground. So I apologise and they gladly take the opportunity to victimise themselves. Then the cycle starts again.
I had the hardest time identifying this and it all came down to people pleasing, i am usually really melllow and that makes people uncomfortable so i accommodate them by putting them at ease but then i get locked into that cursed mode of people pleasing and people get too familiar and think they can have their way and then when i stand up for myself or disagree they flip tue script and make me seem like im an intolerable asshole and it worked for so long because i am self doubt prone
self-interest while facing self-interest is harmonization also ;)
Like giving someone a card with no money on it.
Common sense would tell you, check online the available balance first.
Definitely feeling the picking up the slack thing all my life. A role I don't want to play anymore. A boundary I need to set. Thank you for that comment.
I, Being an INFJ-T and 28 years old. The only thing that I have been doing is trying to socialize my self and making my friends who are older than me like my dad's age and most of them are semi-extroverted and know everyone in society and have a lot of experience in their lives. so it helped me to get exposed to the stuff that I never knew before. So, I think we all need exposure to the outside world all though we don't want that, 100% agree. but, it will help us to know the practical and dangerous world outside of our domain. because of my semi-extroverted friends, I have been able to talk to other people in our society more confidently. so moral of the story is we can be fitted in our societies if someone can help us and usually they are either our parents or our god gifted friends! all we need is exposure and confidence to the outside world and act normally which is I doubt we can! but never hurts to try! just like a KATIE I'm about to open a youtube channel but if you would ask me 5 years ago I would have said are u kidding with me. youtube and me? no way!!! but now because I stay close to my friends I have built that confidence in me! although it took me a while approximately 1 and a half years or so and now I'm ready I'm coming! I gonna do it. SUuuBSCRaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEB!!! I need 100 subscribers to start!
It's really wonderful to follow your "talks." I am a 64.5 year old INFJ (male!) and Enneagram 4 with a 5 wing. When I was your age I was too busy trying to be a "big deal" (because that's what a guy was supposed to do). It is so rewarding to let go of all of that - and so much fun for me to learn from you! Thank you, dear one. (Among the benefits of being an older man is that I can say things like, "dear one," and women no longer mistake my genuine expressions of appreciation-affection for something else!)
"I am like a mirror. I just reflect back at people what they give. Makes me a loyal friend and a worthy adversary."
--Jonathan Charles Byington
For me, it is easy to predict other people's future emotional states and to ask them questions that help them discover what they really want and who they really are.
However, to turn that mirror in on myself and predict my own future emotional states can be very difficult. I can become lost in literally feeling others emotions. When a patient is in crisis, this can benefit my therapeutic intervention because I can actually FEEL their emotional state and therefore better predict what they need to stabilize (I work as a behavioral health nurse).
Having a significant other who sees into me like I see into other people and who takes the time to share her insights into what I need (which is profoundly different than what she needs) has been of enormous benefit.
Also, learning that not all conflict is negative if the conflict is about discussing ideas and values and not merely name calling, blaming, and or shaming.
Wonderful video as always. Please continue to make videos.
shared this on LinkedIn which started very insightful dialogue:
yes, that is the first time I was exposed to the theory of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. I had studied the first three before but never considered the fourth.
And . . . I realize that I do that to some extent. When a client is in crisis, it is my professional responsibility to understand exactly what his perspective is. However, it is easy when advocating for someone and seeing the world from his perspective to lose objectivity in your advocacy. That is why an interdisciplinary team approach to a Veteran in crisis is crucial to retain objectivity and different perspectives.
I agree that like many INFJs, Katie Marie is "highly empathetic. Maybe painfully so?" Empathy of the INFJ variety is both a blessing and a curse.
;)
Boundaries help not only yourself but the ones you care about.
Asking someone if they have been sexually active when you are at a health place for your knee
How does sex connect to a knee or knee problem ?
@@thewhizkid3937 I'm sorry I'm a little lost. I think your under the impression that I've slept with my Boss. If so, I have not .
Never ever reacted to a youtube video.....never subsribed to a youtuber. A fellow INFJ, so you know;] But now I feel I have to. And because I want to. Dived into my personality type a few years ago [after a trauma, offcourse 😎] , and discovered your video's a few weeks ago. It's almost creepy to relate so much to what a totall stranger has to say. In a good way! For what it's worth from a random person on the internet; "Thank you for doing that, and for being so open and genuine!" Hope you get some energy back through all the comments, and knowing your channel most certainley helps a lot of us infj's.
Also great to read and see all the reactions and contributions from other viewers. Maybe someone reading this knows a genuine youtube channel [not the top '10 brought to you by a voice/actors' stuff] a bit more specific towards INFJ men? I do think we have a few specific traits or feelings [testesterone vs feeling empath, to name one] that are sometimes difficult to understand, explain, or give direction. At least that's what I think.
I have been a people pleaser but in my experience, it has always bitten me in the ass. No matter what the circumstance... whether with women or really anything... i feel like i have always lost out on everything. A lot of the friends i made with this people pleaser mask on... never really got to know the real me and i was always trapped inside my own head. LIke you said: filtering my thoughts and overthinking everything and trying to make some many reads instead of just being in the moment. This for stems from my past of being bullied and after many years of social isolation... i started to make friends but with that PP mask on. I was afraid to voice my opinions because i made so much progress healing from my bullying. I had a fear that i wouldn't be accepted and i was tired of living that lonely life etc...
You are talking about filtering your thoughts. Ever think about writing ? Drawing ? Writing a song ?
Why were you bullied ?
Hi Katie, I hope you are fine. Thank you very much for your genuine inspiring videos, please be confident that you are absolutely right, to keep your genuine pure self, with no regrets. I am a doctor , and as an INFJ, I consider myself a healer not only a doctor who has a job that gives him a monthly salary. As an INFJ, it feels so good to play the role of the hero that saves others, but yet who do not care to appear, like all those imaginary heroes, wearing masks, and nobody really knows who they really are, and more importantly most people, even family members do not care about their feelings, their need for genuine strong healthy relationships. People just want them to be there, when they need them. That is us INFJs. Moreover, you do not even care to be thanked for what you have done. May be even it is kind of intimidating to be in the spotlight, so we can say, we like to be the invisible heroes.
We are INFJs, we are really happy to make people happy, which is very nice of course, but while we are doing that, we need to be aware of our own needs, and to beware of narcissists, they are just happy with controlling people. Having said that, we need to stop feeling that we are victims, we need to take responsibility of our own deeds, this is the start for a new long way of self acceptance, it won’t be easy, but it’s worth it. And of course when we are honest and refuse to lie or even to conform with the society or in a realtionship, this integrity, makes us stronger, this is channeling of our energies in the right direction, to be more productive, more healthy, which makes our souls more powerful, and more able to be creative, this is how people really have true passion about life, either in our careers or personal realtionships. Instead, when we tend to conform to be more accepted, it is like energy scattering, and wasted in vain. You were already of a great help, not only for me but for many INFJs who feel lonely and misunderstood in this world, despite your young age, you are so wise. Everyone is unique in his or her own way, so we all learn from each other, and by accepting our own weaknesses, without judging, just observing how we did that or why we felt this way. There is nothing to be ashamed of, if we felt lost for some time, having tears in our eyes, deep pain in our hearts, it is really no tragedy (the real tragedy is when two people are in love and don't make it work). Many people are lost in the hectic lifestyle, everything is so fast, to the degree that they are not aware that they are not actually living, it’s like just passing time. Please be sure that whatever happened in the past, hope is the light we need to guide our way, there is always a second chance, we will be able to learn a lot more about ourselves, we will realize what we really need, and how to understand people in a better way, then we can make people happy without being manipulated, and we will have a satisfying romantic relationship, or real friendships. I hope that all people stay safe during the coronavirus pandemic. Take care.
Amr
I'm an INFJ who grew up with an alcoholic parent and struggled with people pleasing and low self esteem up to the point where it nearly killed me. At forty six, I had a heart attack and nearly died, largely because I wasn't caring enough for myself. That was a wake up call that really helped me find a better way to live and interact with others. Narcissists look at people like vampires do, and INFJ's often look like easy prey. Everyone's journey is different so I can't claim I have a universal solution, but I can say that finding a solution that works for you is literally a matter of life and death.
Please take better care of yourself. We INFJ's can do so much if we take huge steps to limit who we help. Tell emotion to hold while you go to the logic first. Logic is your best weapon and defense. Hope you come to realize how special you are and valuable. Keep reminding yourself of your worth and use logic before you jump in to help. It has helped me get through a childhood surrounded by extroverts and tough military personalities. What does not kill you makes you stronger. It might sound like an idiotic statement, but you being a survivor, I bet you get it better than most. Keith
a vegan diet is the only diet proven to reverse heart disease. also reverses obesity and diabetes
Wish you all the best in this life SGNL. I "feel" you, and "have been there" too, in a similar way. Love, Jonas.
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson Hi my lovely friend 💖. Created an INFJ forum this morning ! See you soon hopefully :) Using my grandfathers name intials IN :), when in a video with Frank James the combination of letters is completed :P
Same here. But now I had it. Unfortunalty it's a like a reflex so I started isolate myself, not good in the long run but trying to figure myself out.
The speed of your speech makes me feel comfortable. It is how I talk, too. I'm learning a lot from what you have to say. You're helping me form some new questions to ask myself. Thank you.
agreed
Thank you Katie, I really need a video like this just based off the caption. For the past 18 years in my life, I've lost myself to my unhealthy family's abuse, friends that used my empathy for their own gain and never understood me in return, and romantic relationships where I was mistreated consistently and taught I was worth nothing unless I was nice, forgiving, and submissive.
I'm going to rewatch this video a lot, I can tell. :) Take care.
This is exactly what happened to me, but the gaslighting was so intense that i still have a hard time identifying when i would do it in relationships
I’m in the same exact boat as u Elizabeth everything u said relates to me
we all need empathy AND sympathy. just one isn't enough. manipulative people are good at twisting one of them to appear as both. sad to admit i'm only putting this all together in the past few years.
You dont have to change who you are, just change which part of the world you interact with so it suits you better. Everyone has their own reality, why should you not?
I'm twice your age and a recovering people please. It took me years to recognize it(in therapy) so I commend you for recognizing it so early and being brave enough to share!! You helped a lot of people with this video. I'm an INFP and authenticity is important to me. The clarity that comes with being free and owning your truth is priceless. 😍
I'm 40 and a recovering ppl pleaser/co dependant. I didn't realize any of this until I was at least 35.
Thank you for opening up about what you’ve learned, Katie. I’m a 35 year old INFJ in the final stages of divorcing a textbook narcissist. You’re right-there’s more to it than just “they’re abusive.” Anytime I talk to anyone about it, I’m sure to explain how the hell I endured was just as much my own making as it was hers. It’s a struggle to maintain your boundaries when you’re naturally inclined to be a people pleaser, but it’s a struggle we have to keep up with. In the end, people can only abuse us if we let them. For me, it was like I was held in a cage of her making, but I held the key the entire time... I just couldn’t work up the will to use it. It’s fascinating how relatable your thoughts and tendencies are. Keep the videos coming!
There’s nothing like randomly coming across an answer to the biggest question I’ve ever had about myself. I don’t know how I ended up watching these videos but thank god I did. You’re giving some very misunderstood people the clarity they’ve always been looking for. If karmas real then you’ve got something very good coming your way
An Angel ey, there's another type of Angel, an Archangel. They fight demons, they are strong and not easily hurt, be an Archangel, be strong and true and if someone don't like it, you don't need them.
There is only one Archangel and that's Michael the Archangel. The leader of all Angels
@@HolySpiritMessenger metaphor
@@adrak91 Got it
@Really Woke Richie Whatever you say. I quote the truth which is the Bible. Take care
@Really Woke Richie Jeremiah 17:9-10
King James Version
9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
10 I the Lord search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.
I've been dealing with one of the hardest periods of my life over the past few years while dealing with overcoming a relationship with a narcissist who was a really important person to me. I met her when I was 21 (I'm now 26). She ended up really hurting me in the end, and not being who I thought she was. She was a covert narcissist posing as an empath. She was very much a cluster B case. I can definitely see how in the midst of the relationship I was enmeshed in her manipulations which could be subtle and confusing at times, especially at first. Because I cared deeply, and was longing to have a deep connection, I found myself really putting my own needs to the side and people pleasing.
I really like how you spoke about finding what part we have to play in engaging in abusive, toxic relationships and taking responsibility. It's something I've really thought a lot about. I've been trying to figure out the root cause of why, when I'm around others, I often tend to put my own needs to the side. I think one things that you mentioned that I would very much agree with, is the avoidance of conflict and valuing harmony. I have also found that as an INFJ, I really enjoy and need time alone. This can leave me yearning to connect with others, but having trouble finding people who I can connect with on a deep level. Finding people who will understand all of the thoughts and ideas that run through my mind. People I can be myself around and feel comfortable with, and who will reciprocate the caring that I have towards them. So, I was thinking that possibly one of the reasons I people please is to maintain harmony and to connect with others. Wanting them to like me and reciprocate a connection. I also think, as you mentioned, the subtle or not so subtle traumas and the psychological mind games that go along with narcissistic, abusive relationships can also lead to a trauma bonding and people pleasing dynamic. I'm right along with you, currently trying to find equilibrium, value myself more and maintain proper boundaries. Thank you so much, Katie. I always love your hearing your perspectives!
I had a best friend for ten years who was a covert, it's coming up to three years since I found out.
I know it's an incredibly difficult thing to go through, but you'll come out of it more more mature, wise, healthy, kind and emotionally stable than you were before the 'relationship'.
The fact that you've been able to self reflect with such clarity shows how much healing you've already done.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
A narcissistic person in my life always imply that I'm selfish. I'm always peoplepleasing so that's a huge compliment for me..
Never considered people pleasing as a form of lying. You are correct it is like lying. Hiding our true selves(yeah). I believe i am guilty of the fawn thing in both of my past marriages. Also i am high on the agreeableness scale and need work on that and these other things. We have a lot to work on don't we? I am glad you are seeing all this early in life. It can only help in the long run to know. I wish i knew i needed the boundaries early on. You are on the path to truth and it is what sets us free. I feel a little more free just responding to you and responding to others responding to you. Thanks to you and to them.😅
Who said your wrong with the way you, I, we are ?? If someone takes the piss, bigger fool them. Though Bigger fool us if we know they cannot be helped and stay !!
Could you imagine a world full of only shallow Narcissists ??
Now think of a world full of caring, thoughtful and generally nice people !!
Which world would you like to live in ??
Feel sorry for the people that have learnt that oppressing others makes them feel better ?!?! What a sad shallow life they lead !!
Be yourself and help others, but know where the limit is.
What always get me through life is the quote:
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Jiddu Krishnamurti
I think that states a lot !
Thank you again for your video !! ( Your are helping others )
I'm so glad another INFJ loves Dr. Peterson as much as I do! I very rarely find myself at odds with his understanding of people and the world. I've also noticed the importance of submitting yourself to the truth as of late. There's this line from a character in Vinland Saga who says "everyone is a slave to something," and I think that is completely true, whether you're a slave to greed, anger, lust, etc. If that's the case, I think being a slave to the truth is a formidable way to live. Love your vids btw, it's always refreshing to watch someone on the same wavelength!
he went on a carnivore diet XD hes an intp and has very high cholesterol and probably pre diabetic
Ikr he is awesome. I love that line! I am going to be a slave for truth!
“Submitting yourself to truth,” and being a “slave to truth,” are really fantastic ways of capturing what I was trying to say In this video. It was harder for me to get on board with being a slave to “myself,” acting for myself, but to be a slave to truth.. is the ultimate motivation. A formidable way to live, as you said. Thank you for putting it into better words than I have been able to thus far!
@@katiemarie8899 i think you articulated it wonderfully. I had never even considered that people pleasing could be a form of dishonesty, so thank you for giving me a new perspective as well. We're all still figuring it out lol
You guys are awesome.
I want to say thank you, Katie. I had your 6 peculiar traits video come up in my recommendations a few days ago, and with mild curiosity, clicked on it to discover I'm actually an INFJ. I went down the rabbit hole of watching most of your videos and a bunch of others on the subject, and now, at the age of 41 am finding "my people". I tried making my own video about this experience, but my phone seems to have eaten it. I'd like to make another, but it's going to be a process to get my nerve back to do such a thing.
Normally, this is where I'd try to feebly explain how you've provided me with validation in a way I've never experienced, but I really, truly believe you already understand what I'm talking about (and that understanding is actually kind of throwing me for a loop! haha). I asked my wife to watch your first video because you put into words what I couldn't explain about myself, and after learning so much about myself in a few days, and feeling so utterly exposed and vulnerable to her, I sobbed in her arms.
I look forward to any future videos you might choose to do, and I really want to share my own journey on this new discovery, assuming I don't talk myself out of it, first. This is all extremely fresh and new for me, so I still have to process it.
Again, thank you for being brave enough to share yourself and experiences.
Hi Brian, Yes, I do understand. Of course, as you know I’ve recently gone on quite a journey of understanding myself and “coming into” who I actually am. I have had similar moments of crying in the arms of loved ones, in such a vulnerable, freeing way. I can’t believe I’ve been able to aid in your journey, it is the most rewarding feeling I think I could really ever imagine. ❤️
Ok...Are we twin souls!? You and I are going down the same path/journey of self-care and healing. I too realized because of my suppressed ways I was enabling people to take advantage of me. This tells me not all people are bad and they were responding by instinct because subconsciously they knew I was agreeing to my own treatment, family, friends, and co-workers. This was a big realization just this year! 2020 has been about all of what you are saying here! I'm mind-blown how similar our story is, except you had the courage to leave your comfort zone and moved.
Your wise beyond your years. Thank you for helping me take a look at my people pleasing in a new way.
Thats from all the trials, our bread and butter
You are such a beautiful soul inside and outside your a gift from god love watching your videos
Dear Katie Katerson, I've never watched all videos of such an under viewed channel "in the grand scheme of things", or any channel actually... Thanks so much for the delight, 99% matching feels or past feels :3. We are actually the same age, with probably vastly different experiences on the surface but very much the same underneath.
I've always felt like the sooner i get away from my parents the better, and then eventually left abroad for more than a year to South Korea, just like you did to New York if I remember correctly. There I became a bit "healthier" (although not without sacrifice...) and now I'm able to communicate a little with my mother, one connection that's literally a miracle. When I got interested in the zodiacs (only because my crush was interested in them, dunno if you believe in such things) I got a hint of how nobody around me even had a chance to ever relate to me on an emotional level. They were, by nature and sadly by too much experience as well, the polar opposite of me.
All throughout my childhood I was forced to come to family gatherings and always answer calls from my grandparents to say hi to the point where not doing so was not an option, and now everybody is dumbfounded as to why I refuse 90% of it and strictly go only when it fits my sleeping schedule and my whim (you can imagine how hilariously crazy it seems to them that my reasoning is "because I'm going to sleep"). Getting away from home and looking for a community with similar interests still seems like the greatest choice (hello covid). I haven't had a friend with similar interests for the past ~12 years, basically ever since I became a teenager, a friend with whom I'd meet "every day after school". I actually cut ties with my last great friend who would always call me to go out and loved me very much, because I felt like I just couldn't hold myself anymore and I didn't want him to see me fall into depression. I quit school, quit my passion, quit everything, and then in due time went to the military where I deliberately asked to be sent to the furthest place from home, and then chased night shifts to be further isolated. I had always tried to open up, desperately needing some company, but the core was just too overwhelmingly rotten.
Eventually you buy into the illusion that it's possible to not need anyone, be totally dope with just about anything and try to be one of those "strong independent women" (although I'm a man ;p). But I don't buy it anymore. This X-Ray vision our type gradually develops sees through the fraud, and nobody ever has any invincible personality I'd wish to copy and adopt.
But yeah, this old block of text is just a jumble of memories and thoughts I don't usually let out. Recently I got exposed to the Ennegram (4w5 too), which is how I got here. It's strange to see you describing basically myself with a few minor changes. Especially that part where you said in another video how we tend to forget our pasts so much... I really thought that was my thing haha
I just learned this year that I'm an INFJ and things have made so much sense ever since and I'm especially grateful for finding your channel this year as well. People pleasing is the hardest thing for me because I will always put someone before myself. Hearing you talk about how you are trying to value yourself more helped me to realize that I need to do the same. I think that I don't spend enough time loving myself, because I truly don't. I would rather focus my affection elsewhere to other people. Anyways I hope I can continue to learn self-love through this channel. It's great to be in an environment with like-minded people, even if the environment is virtual
I was raised in a cult and definitely had some childhood trauma in the mix. I agree with that theory you mentioned - that people pleasing can be a defense mechanism formed to cope with an abuser. I guess the hard part now is figuring out who I am when I have been wearing a heavy filter for so long.
Feels like self expression is a muscle that has been so atrophied. It probably also doesn't help that I feel the need to protect others from what I think because I see the world with a sense of despair. Your video has been really helpful, I think I will try to watch myself more with friends and see if I can catch myself filtering.
Bless you
Sorry it's long - but I think you'll find it rewarding Katie;
I think you talk like a well-constructed- and very interestingly written book :) I also think you present your new-found wisdom in a mesmerising way and your tempo makes me feel like I'm part of your thought-journey, though the way navigate your way through your material indicates that you're well prepared and you must have some exceptional connectivity skills in your head when you so skillfully talk your way through it all, suppressing the natural stress that comes with having to spend some seconds to find words for your intended connections as you see them.
I am so impressed! And equally thankful for being allowed to listen to your hard-found experience and wisdom. It's almost poetical at times - the way you choose the words that bridges different sciences or professions.
I kind of wish you'd been my sister :) it's really enjoyable listening in - and I do hope you continue on, as it's also very educational and yet inspiring and it helps speed up our own thought-connecting process, battling with our unique and often isolated personalities.
One idea I'd propose for you to explore (if you're open for new topics, that is) as you are the Enneagram type 4 wing 5 (and thus better intellectually than me to conceptualise things, as I am type 4 and wing 2 slash 1 - thereby; one of my big things are giving praise where it’s due) is what faith can do to one’s personality traits.
The reason for bringing it up is that I do identify myself in everything you talk about - 100%... but with small differences that either adds or breaks from the INFJ "box". Differences I've noticed between myself and other INFJs I've came across (it's kind of interesting that you - living in the States - hadn't come across any INFJs in your first video - and here I am in Norway with our miniscule population, having met 4 INFJs since I first found out about MBTI a year ago). And I judge my differences to be rooted in me believing in Jesus and I do so on my own accord and not as a result from any church organisation's talkative abilities.
The internet says that one thinks that Jesus had an INFJ personality (if he were limited to only one) - but that's beside my point. My point is that I theorise around me being a bit more open, a bit more playful and a bit more family-oriented in relations to complete strangers as a result of my faith and the values it preaches ..the results being that I seem to break a bit from the typical isolation and privacy that INFJs portray to strangers.
So perhaps faith and different 'value-sets' contributes to the INFJ in a similar way as the Turbulent and the Assertive trait does? I do know that INFJs tend to be more spiritually interested than most - and out of those 4 people I know to be INFJs; they're split 50/50 between delving into yoga (and more alternative stuff I don't know much about) and christianity.
So I would think a spiritual episode of sorts would be of particular interest to INFJs and might be something to explore and present for someone as intellectual as yourself!? I'd love to do it myself, but seeing that you're wing 5 and have this great ability to fact-find and present your findings in such a likeable way, I propose you do it and then I'll come along to praise it afterwards #playingtoourstrenghts
Smile :) You're a great person and you do great things that have good impacts on the likes of me.
Hi! I appreciate your comment a lot, and the thought you put into it.
I’m really thankful that you enjoy the way I talk and weave connections in real time, because I have felt pretty self-critical about that, actually. I realize that if I prepared what I was going to say better, I would say it in a much more concise and polished way. At the moment, though, that doesn’t feel right to me, and I tend to always follow my gut. Anyway, thank you for letting me know you enjoy it, truly. It helps.
Now, to the more important part of your comment… I feel like I have gotten a small taste of what you are describing, with the way that your faith has influenced your “INFJ-ness.” I have, for a long time, been like the other INFJ’s you describe.. keeping my mind open to different forms of spirituality, and sort of waiting until one really “captures” me or feels “true” in my core… I know everyone has their own spiritual journey, and I will just say that lately I’m feeling a pull to christianity in a way that I never did before. And I have felt a bit of what it may be like to be an INFJ-A type rather than -T… just in general more playful and openly loving and compassionate to others, and having a more optimistic outlook on life, and feeling the connectedness of all things in God, as I believe you were describing. I guess, I’m on my journey, and it feels very personal to me at the moment so I’m not yet at a place where I’m ready to include it in my videos.
Anyway, your words have encouraged within me something I’ve already been feeling, or something that is growing within me lately. So thank you! I look forward to a life where I may be less “turbulent,” less isolated, less in a “box,” etc. So thank you, and, just know that I believe you’re spot on with with what you’re saying.
Also- does it ever feel a little strange to you to discuss such important things through a screen? It almost feels like I’m tainting something that is incredibly sacred. I don’t know!
@Katie Marie *Gosh - a youtube-celebrity talked to me ;) :) And what a talk it was! I loved it. Thanks for having let me into your lines of thought for a brief moment - I feel honoured having been found "worthy" of it, but also by possibly having impacted you in a positive way (I used to think - years before she "acted out" to the world - that "had I only been able to connect to Britney Spears; I'd have the potential to genuinely and selflessly lift her spirits a bit more - n o t that I would ever compare your spirit to hers! You are not lost the way Britney seem to be at the moment. Not at all! You are nearly ‘there’ :)). Anyways, thanks a lot for putting pen to paper on your appreciation - it truly lifted my spirit and I will cherish it :)
So.. I want to add to your talking style just shortly; I think if you were more "pro" or "snappy"; to-the-point and matter-of-fact-ish; you'd of course do well with that - and it might serve you well (what do I really know about this kind of stuff - I'm not an entertainer like my boss :) ) b u t what I do know for myself - is that if you do so, I think we'd lose out on your personality - which I think comes across so easily through the screen the way you do it now. And t h a t is valuable in today's society where loneliness seems to spread like fire. And I think it's even more important that your personality is allowed forth with your core-group, because we do kinda like authenticity and genuineness :) we love it in fact! So if you're able to keep on to that while your popularity skyrockets, I'd be really impressed - because I bet that will pose a challenge.
Now over to the core part of your reply :) (and sorry if this comes across as an attempt to evangelize - it’s not meant like that at all. It’s more a type of testimony which is meant as an encouragement for your own journey and it’s kind of polar-opposite of ‘tainting anything sacred’. Remember, both Jimmy Carter and Mother Theresa were INFJ a n d christians).
Wouldn't it be fun if we became siblings through faith? :) To me it all makes sense to believe in God when one looks at the complexity of nature and animals and how it all interacts so randomly, yet so surprisingly perfect and resilient. I find it more fascinating to think that this all happened on a fluke - considering the vast space and the conditions that need to be so incredibly accurate to make it all happen. But thinking like this isn’t enough for me to keep my faith alive. What the bible talks about needs to be real to me. It needs to be actualised in my own life. And that’s where my personal journey started - seeking my own experiences.
So.. my personal encouragement would be to stay open-minded. Always remain critical! And above all; keep it personal.
There are many opinions and many unhealthy interpretations out there - particularly in the US. But luckily there's also genuinely good and positive churches spread across the US. That is why it's important to remain critical so one spots the good from the bad.
One’s faith will fluctuate throughout life. That's why it's so important to be personal about your faith. Gather your own experiences and cherish them in your heart. They will be valuable when challenging times comes around.
Faith is supposed to be personal. It's supposed to be genuine and real, messy and down-to-earth while it's also "cleaner" and "purer" than we humans are ever able to be. So we’ll have something worthwhile stretching towards - that’s supposed to be purely positive and uplifting for us.
I would never think that these things are too sacred. The core of christianity is to just be a loving family. Imagine a truly loving family (the tv-show ‘This is us’ springs to mind). And then try to visualise an even better family than you originally imagined. Then I think you’re close to grasping what christianity is all about.
I often say I live by this; ‘The sum of God’s word; is truth’ - meaning that one need to absorb all of the content and draw a red line through it all. And in the case of christianity, that red line is l o v e. And if you pick something from the bible and try to live by it and it doesn’t resonate with love - then it’s probably a miss and should be corrected.
I know this is abbreviated and a bit conclusive (to sum up my thoughts and experiences will take a lot more space than this), but I'll none the less share it; I've skydived - which is regarded by most as providing a high and being exhilarating. Well - I've also encountered a presence so "heavy" and dense and all-consuming (only once - but I’ve felt similar on occasions), that I cannot ever deny that there is something else between heaven and earth. And that experience was waaay more thrilling and satisfying than jumping out of airplanes or doing any of the other craziness I’ve done.
And then there’s speaking in tongues… how does one rationalise that when one’s got it?
The bible says there are different applications to speaking in tongues - one being a sign for those who do not yet believe. And how does one get it? It’s either through asking and receiving it instantly (as I did in a classroom at a school when attending a Christian meeting and agreeing to that a friend could pray that I got it - it was super-embarrassing:)), or by “standing in faith” and praying until you receive it (which I also had to do - because as the instant thing was too embarrassing, I refuse to use it - and lost it. 6 months later I decided I wouldn’t leave the church until I got it back - and it has since never left).
You might wonder what the point of it all is ..then we’re two :) But it’s mainly a secret prayer-language that asks for good things for you - undefiled by our human nature.
So at least I have that as a sign for Gods existence - if everything else should be forgotten :)
I hope you (who else would last reading this long ;)) achieve something similar - because you definitely deserve it, and you’re worth it and if what I believe is true - I know who’s trying to pull you into ‘the family’ :) But please do it your way - in your tempo. That’s the only sustainable way of building your faith in a genuine way.
I love this kind of communication - and I honestly think you (and every other person on the planet) have lots to contribute with. So I get a lot out of listening to other’s experiences. Should you (or I guess anyone else reading this) want to communicate privately (because there is a limit to how open one can be in a public comment-field), you can email me at gjersdalen@gmail.com It’s not like I’ll travel the globe to hunt you down in these COVID times :) though I do look forward to being able to safely travel abroad again! I promise - like you Katie does (and I loved your heart’s intention on that one); that I’ll read and reply to anything I’d get. Oh, and I’m Finn by the way :)
@@katiemarie8899 Hi Katie, I was raised a Christian, and now I have recently been in a process of reconsidering many of my theological beliefs. I now know more about the different denominations of Protestantism, Catholicism, Orthodoxy and Progressive Christianity. Which church you belong to is secondary to your relationship to God but still important. All the best with your spiritual journey, I will pray for you! I also would be more than happy to discuss anything about Christianity with you over email.
Bravo Katie! for doing such an amazing and "authentic" job of communicating this nuanced subject matter. I found this very easy to follow and understand. I think this world could use a lot more honest and effective communicators like you! I applaud your tenacity for personal growth and so appreciate your insights. I can't thank you enough for sharing your journey on youtube! I'm just one of, no doubt, many who have been greatly helped by your videos. All the best to you! A fellow INFJ.
Hi Katie. Peterson's message on telling the truth had a big impact on me too. I was curious about what that looks like practically, so I looked for another book about telling the truth and found Radical Honesty by psychologist, Brad Blanton. I highly recommend (assuming you've already read 12 Rules). I didn't agree with everything he had to say, but like 90% was extremely insightful, and helpfully practical. Check it out! Or don't. Good job on the self compassion; it's worth it.
Here are some words of wisdom that have helped me, and might help you. Carl Jung said, "who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. There is no coming to consciousness without pain." He also said, "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
Katie, you are a breath of fresh air, you really do put yourself out there. Do you have a private site or email where I could send you a direct connection that will not be posted? You are fantastic at getting to the point and explaining the different situations.
Intj here...
The discovery of the own power to say "No" is the most important goal any person should learn.
It took me years to learn that.
Good to see that you are on the right path. A No...is also an answer!
Awesome progress. I know it's tough to stay true to your empathetic core (which is paradoxically genuine for us as INFJs) while also holding/ reinforcing/ rediscovering your own boundaries or "truth." It's easier to call out narcissism in others (whether it's true or false) and ignore our own culpability in our pain. It's been hard learning to remember that because other people aren't quite as sensitive (or sensitive in the same way) as I am, some slights are more about me than them. If we're emotionally sunburnt and someone taps us on the shoulder, it FEELS more like an attack than it actually is. We have to inform them, and give them grace & mercy as they learn to deal with us over time. Of course we also need to stay perceptive of who is and isn't going to handle us with the care that we ask for, and adjust boundaries over time. PATIENCE IN THE PROCESS (I hate those words lol, but they're true and necessary).
Thanks for the great content as always. Keep growing!!!
I have started using a new tactic recently. I am screening the people around me more and wait a little longer than I use to before I talk with them. I am also being a little more mysterious? It is a good thing to not say everything right away. That way I wont regret that I shared too much so that I have to cover it up again later.
I have mostly been doing that myself all my life, not letting people to close to soon. You are right to do so. It's kind of like a boundary, a safety net if you will. Thank you for the comment.
Thank you so much for making these videos. As someone who is also an INFJ and 4w5, I completely connect to the topics you talk about. People pleasing and over-agreeableness are some of the my biggest issues and leave me with a feeling of dishonesty. I feel that a lot of us are just chameleons for other’s emotions and opinions, which can be an extremely tiring thing to maintain. I fully relate to when you said being so inauthentically agreeable is sort of the same as lying. I have always thought my own inauthenticity is just something I have to deal with because I couldn’t stand to cause any kind of tension or disrupt the peace, but watching this has really made me realize that no one wants that kind of dishonesty in a relationship and it makes the whole basis of the relationship false as the other person will never really know you if you are just a mirror for their thoughts and opinions.
Thank you for making this content and helping to start conversations on these topics that are so often not discussed.
For a lot of people, it's hard to know what their true feelings are or what the truth is that they want to tell. I think growth is being able to distinguish who is worthy of help and relating to and who is not. I think if most look back on bad dead end relationships they will find all the clues right at the beginning.
I’ve discovered I’m infj but without nearly the brains you have . Thank you so much for sharing yourself in your videos . You have helped me and I’m sure many others
Very interesting and heartfelt video. I personally think that people pleasing, at its best, is taking real joy at preventing unnecessary suffering which seems like a win-win to me. You are being authentic by preventing other people from messing with the positive aspects of themselves.
What seems to be working for me is using some sort of screening method when meeting new people, such as being very upfront about my quirks and preferences and making my boundaries explicit early on when meeting people, usually in a joking fashion. The people that are attracted to these characteristics are in turn the ones that stick by and it turns out that these people are never overly or unreasonably demanding of me. When they ask for help with something it usually is with a cause or issue I see as valid. Other times you have to be more reserved and go by trial and error, i.e. less giving at first until you make sure that the other person is worth it. Personally, the hardest situation to employ such strategies is when dealing with people in positions of authority (e.g. professors, supervisors, state officials etc). Then, for me, the best way at such instances is trying to find like minded, giving people in equal or higher position and collaborate with them. It seems that there are always a few of these people -mainly introverts-, feeling isolated and frustrated with their oblivious or draining peers. They tend to like helping younger people in their field, workplace, etc. struggling with similar issues; maybe by helping you they are getting the chance to say an indirect "fuck you" to the system - again "win-win". Joining up in team efforts is always a choice but it can lead to you being in charge of all the actual work and burning out; exhaustion from social interactions is the cherry on top if you are introverted.
What I am trying to say is that focusing on being attentive to people is but a strategy to play the game we call life. I think it is a build that favors the long term, and if you are careful and lucky enough you are going to end up with small groups of high quality people in your life. Like most strategies of going about life it can turn pathological, of course, e.g.
- by neglecting your needs in favor of others
- by feeling lonely or exhausted during screening for people worthy of your time - though being interest in exploring human characteristics can be entertaining and alleviate some of these negatives
etc.
In spite of that, people that tend to be labeled as "people pleasers", by themselves and others, shouldn't feel like "freaks", "pushovers", "beta", etc. By establishing some boundaries upfront and being vigilant one can enjoy the amazing feeling of making people he or she sees as worthy of happiness happy.
I, also, think societal norms and pop psychology trends that overly emphasize protecting one's "needs", "rights", "happiness" etc. tend to forget that some people need to feel like they are agents for positive change, a process of finding enjoyment not in "experiencing" or "protecting oneself" from something but rather in '"acting" (despite the cost) towards something; think something Isaiah Berlin's "negative" vs "positive" liberty.
Anyway, as a male from a society of emotionally open extroverts (Greece), and with limited trauma experience, my experience may differ from that of others. Since nothing's black and white we should never feel like being "people pleasers" is by default a bad thing; God knows the world needs more such people in the forefront right now.
Stay vigilant, stay weird, stay awesome.
Cheers
INTP-t and type-3 here, appreciate your videos as they bring me new insight.
I've dealt with narcissists before but not in a romantic situation, I was trying co-found a fintech startup and was working under a REALLY narcissistic guy. Like when I first met him he was a really friendly and outgoing guy and he hid his negative traits very well under a vanere of professionalism and that 'businessman' charm, though as months carried on the demands and deadlines he placed upon me grew too much and I would go out of my way to execute in time(I was the tech lead and coder). Like I gave up important holidays and skipped meal and sacrifices physical and mental health just to hit those irrational deadlines, and I wasn't getting paid either, only in equity. Got yelled at alot, should have quite there and then.
Ultimately the entire experience ended in an absolute disaster for me, he falsely accused me of a cybercrime and launched an investigation against me. The case was recently closed as 'unfounded'. Been slowly making a recovery ever since.
Anyways that's my story of dealing with narcissists, I appreciate your insights.
I’m crying Bcz it’s first time I can relate to someone ! Please keep making more guides and thanks for your vulnerability 💕💕
To me, this was the most inspirational video you published so far. I am both a compulsive people pleaser and an INFJ and the notion of this attitude being arrogant truly was an eye-opener for me. Thank you for your insights. You are a star which shines brighter than you can imagine.
Grew up in a very toxic family dynamic. I sought out relationships that were very chaotic. And it's weird because none of it's active. You tell yourself, "At least now I get to choose. I get enough issues with my family". But you just gravitate towards what's familiar, not what's healthy. It's like learning a new skill. You are going to be nervous, make mistakes, and need to be completely mentally alert. You can NOT go on auto-pilot. Maybe after a few years of practice. I'm not an INFJ though. I'm almost the opposite in typing, but we all share in this struggle. I don't always agree with things like 'door-slams', but sometimes it's for the best. Everyone is at a different stage of personal growth. We try to learn from each other and move on. Hopefully more able to form and maintain healthy relations going forward. The best part about Myers Briggs is learning about my defaults, other's defaults, and forming a smidgen of sympathy for them instead of intellectually sanitized empathy. I'll agree that empathy is a good place to start, but it's sympathy that really moves a person into positive actions.
Great to hear you working through this. See people-pleasing for what it is and take responsibility for it. I am heading towards my 50's and am only just getting to grips with this. As you say, it isn't all bad, but if you are not aware of it it can lead to misery. Good for you.
Among all the benefits of watching your videos, there’s one that’s more for you that I’ve noticed, and I’d like to point it out: In this medium, you don’t have to worry about others getting impatient and trying to finish your thoughts and sentences for you. INFJs have that tendency to pause often, to collect their thoughts, access their intuitions, think of the best (or at least a better) way to put something, to make sure they’re really saying what they mean, etc. This is something I’ve had to put up with a lot, and it can still bother me, although not to the degree it used to. With you, from my perspective, I enjoy watching you carefully piece it all together, roaming eyes, pauses and all, not least of all because of your obvious genuineness and honesty. It’s a refreshing thing and makes it very easy, because you know you’ll be able to trust the completed thought.
I hope that makes sense.
Yet another infj trait.
I've actually been watching a huge amount of Jordan Peterson's stuff on youtube. Any INFJ would like his content a lot, I feel like I'm being given the secrets of reality because he speaks so truthfully about so many topics, mostly relating to people and society as he's a clinical psychologist. And people, I believe, type him as an INFJ 5w6 too, which is cool. I just got his two books, 12 Rules for Life and Maps of Meaning. I've started the second one, and it is beyond interesting, I'd really recommend both his books and lectures/clips online (I left a relevant excerpt from Maps of Meaning and a short analysis in a reply down below.) And thanks for the video Katie, of course. It actually is pretty well timed for me. Hope you keep doing well.
Summary and excerpt from Maps of Meaning by Jordan Peterson:
He says that the world of value and choices is made of three parts. The unknown, the explored, and the archetypal individual (or chaos, order, individual). In the context of people pleasing with the quotes ahead, I view the unknown as a lack of harmony, the explored as the harmony that agreeable people cling to (thus stifling creativity and progress in many ways), and the individual as the thing they repress, but is also the antidote to the problem. Here it is:
"Unprotected exposure to unexplored territory produces fear. The individual is protected from such fear as a consequence of ritual imitation of the Great Father [the explored]-as a consequence of the adoption of group identity, which restricts the meaning of things, and confers predictability on social interactions. When identification with the group is made absolute, however-when everything has to be controlled, when the unknown is no longer allowed to exist-the creative exploratory process that updates the group can no longer manifest itself. [.......] Rejection of the unknown is tantamount to "identification with the devil," [which] amplifies the dangers inherent in group identification, which tends of its own accord towards pathological stultification. Loyalty to personal interest-subjective meaning-can serve as an antidote to the overwhelming temptation constantly posed by the possibility of denying anomaly. Personal interest-subjective meaning-reveals itself at the juncture of explored and unexplored territory, and is indicative of participation in the process that ensures continued healthy individual and societal adaptation."
If you enjoyed that, buy his books :)
I also have listened to a lot of his stuff, including most of his podcast episodes. I think he has great insight into human psychology. I finally got around to reading his books, and I am almost finished maps of meaning which I concur is incredibly interesting. I have seen people type Jordan Peterson as an ENTJ which makes sense, but I have always suspected him to be an INFJ. That is mostly because I relate to him on a deeply personal level, I am an INFJ 5w4 myself. Also it is very interesting that two of Jordan Peterson's 'heroes' or mentors are Carl Jung and Friedrich Nietzsche who are also typed as INFJ. In the last year my worldview or perspective on the world has dramatically shifted, and for that reason alone I am glad to have read Maps of meaning, because it provides so much insight into how a change in our map of the world and the meaning of it can occur as well as its psychological effect on us. I would be interested in discussing the his book or work with you Varalis, and in any case I appreciate your comment.
@@jeffbarnes6590 haha I'll need a minute to finish the book. But I have been watching a lot of his stuff online, and it has shifted my brain a lot. I feel like I see things clearer, as he explains things so logically and his views resonate with me because I feel like they are true. He says he just searches for the truth, and it really does seem that way. His lectures are amazing, but also seeing him dismantle peoples' arguments so easily and without malice has opened my eyes to the logic behind what people say. INFJs are usually good at understanding the meaning of what people say as it relates to that persons' being and emotional state, but I've never been as good as others when it comes to arguing (or discussion/defending your viewpoint/seeing the flaws in what people say.) Watching Jordan break apart what other people say after watching his lectures and knowing he doesn't come from a place of malice, has really helped me embrace my logical side, at least as it relates to people. It feels awesome. It makes me think that I may lean more towards 5w4 instead of 4w5, I've been trying to figure out which one feels more natural to me. So it feels good to have my enneagram more settled than it was, it's taken me longer to figure out my enneagram type than MBTI.
I am sorry to say but jp is not a person whose views and perspectives you should follow. His views are extremely problematic, granted; on SOME topics he might have a good command.
Check out the video by Ana psychology who is a clinical psychology student where she debunks and dismantles jp’s problematic views. As an infj, I myself was taken away with his persuading aura of speaking. But make no mistake, that man doesnt know what he is doing.
@@munima5699 How can you tell whether I'm listening to his aura or his logic? If I was taken away by pure aura, I'd be on the side of the people he talks to, who are all feeling and manner of saying, rather than the content of what they're saying. From what I can see, what JP says isn't necessarily about his views. It's about what's morally right or rational/proven, which he then adopts as his view. I may look at the channel, but he has a PhD. He's lectured at Harvard. Written books. Practicing clinical psychologist. I'm not entirely sure how he doesn't know what he's doing when the point of a PhD, as I understand it, is that you've learned all there is to know about the subject. And how could I know that you're aren't just being "swayed" by the aura of the channel you mentioned? You know what I mean? Not trying to be argumentative for argument's sake, but you make it seem as if I'm not thinking about what he's saying and am just instantly accepting it as fact because he speaks with authority and precision.
I basically came to realize everything that you noted in this video. I have held on to my people pleasing ability for people and instances that actually deserve it, but i only use it in rare occasions. I basically realized that i had beliefs and that it was up to me to stick to them, as well as defend those positions. I also stopped allowing myself to slip into a victim mentality as well as let other's be treated as if they're victims. At the end of the day i can only rely on myself to defend me, and if i cant defend myself that's on me. Anyway, i kept speaking my opinion in situations that i normally wouldn't, and overtime i stopped allowing myself all together to be a door matt. Stick up for yourself and your beliefs. You're doing good, keep it up
I like that you are conscious of your inner motivations- it's a great ability. And I love that you called people pleasing lying- I feel the same and I just realized it by listening to you. Thank you!
What a great video, Katie! Thanks so much for making and sharing your insight on the topic of people pleasing. It's like you were speaking to me personally. I really needed to hear this message today. I've people pleased my whole life because I hate conflict. Now I'm at the stage of my life where I want my life back, I want to discover who I really am. I want to live as my own person, not as an extension of someone else. Sort of scary, though, to take the steps needed to be my own authentic self.
It's absolutely terrifying! I am terrified by just putting this video out there, speaking authentically about things. I'm with you on this, I hope we can all grow closer to living in our truths, one terrifying leap of faith at a time.
I'm really grateful for all your videos Katie❤️ keep 'em coming!
This was fantastic on so many levels, I can't even begin to tell you how helpful this has been. Very well articulated Katie!
I got around this by committing myself to act in everyone's best interests by raising the bar wherever I go. I never lie or encourage what I would see as negative just to get along or fit in. I do this not because it's better for me, but because it's better for them. Ultimately though, you can only do this if you value yourself and your input on matters around you.
Doing whats right instead of whats acceptable has changed the whole game for me. Im happy to see your comment.
Yes, yes YES Mrs Katie! Amazing video!
Well done. This made a more clear distinction between empathy and “self harming people pleasing”. It seems the difference lies within the actual truth. Hearing your videos has given me more hope that we can be better understood.
Thank you, Katie. You have addressed so many of the issues I've been dealing with over the past 6 years. I'm in the process of putting this advice into action, by valuing my own needs and boundaries. It's not easy, but a whole lot less painful than people pleasing and denying my own truth and self. (Fellow INFJ)
I thank you so so much for this video! It summarizes so well spoken and scientifically everything I began to realize and understand step by step this year! Especially changing from victim perspective to taking responsibility, to avoid transforming again in such a toxic dynamic! Your content should get much more attention, I thank you very much again 💞
Hey Katie!
I’m learning to unlearn the persistent people-pleasing tendencies in my own life. I’ve always found myself giving so much of my energy to the point where I don’t realize my well has run dry until it’s too depleted, and then I shut down for a little bit. Therapy is helping. I grew up around an emotionally abusive situation and healing has been a long, winding road. But I’ve become so much more self-aware than I used to be. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, even when I feel like an alien sometimes!
Thanks for the insightful video. Very inspiring.
at some point. in everyone life. You realize that even people out there criticize Steve Irwin. You just won't please everyone, you won't get along with everyone, but as soon as you find that out, and you weed out all the fake friends. You will attract people who truly want to engage and be around you. Which is 100x better than what you had before.
Dear Katie, i sincerely hope that you know that you have been blessed with beauty beyond belief. Don't you never ever let somebody convince you otherwise or doubt yourself about that fact. I know it's the hardest thing to do from personal experience. I'm 48 now and haven't found the holy grail either. I have left people behind which were good friends just because i loved them and couldn't stand to tell them the truth because i knew it would hurt them. I can relate to at least 90% of your experiences and feelings and you are very good in expressing these so keep them videos coming as long as it feels positive for you. A major recommendation from me is GO TRAVEL THE WORLD. There is nearly nothing that can enrich your life more. I could go on forever but you requested some music somewhere so as an old guy i recommend the albums "Laughing Stock" and "Spirit of Eden" by Talk Talk. Maybe Helium, Mary Timmony, Sleater Kinney, Nick Cave and the bad Seeds, for destructive moods there is nothing better then Einstürzende Neubauten or Slayer. You should definetly watch Henry Rollins Spoken Words or read his books. His works and music gave me much inspiration and help on new perspectives in life. Cheers, Olaf th-cam.com/video/In1B7zWMBuI/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/XY2n4BYbgYE/w-d-xo.html
There are theories stating that we take on the role that is needed in a group, and I think that's quite interesting in relation to your last point, that you always want to know the truth and what other people think. There may be merit (not in the least for myself) in reflecting on whether there has been a lack of acknowledgement of ones opinions and needs in the past, leading one to perceive that lack of a role in the "group", and therefore taking it on.
I also really think you hit a point in the paradox between ones need for honesty and at the same time shying from tension. I think my realisation has been that it's not really a conflict until you or your counterpart stop trying to understand one another. Perhaps the people pleasing comes from a distrust in other peoples ability to take on ones perspective while remaining detached from their own feelings.
We, the INFJs, do struggle with moving from affective empathy to cognitive empathy, and especially further to empathic precision. Maybe we judge other people by our own flaws.
Wow, that last sentence... I completely agree, we lack empathic precision. You're expanding on some of what I was trying to say in this video- I've been realizing so much lately how much of my "empathy" for others is really redirected empathy that I'm longing to receive myself. I subconsciously assume other people are just as emotionally sensitive as I am, so I'm constantly projecting myself onto others, in a sense.
Growing up, I had a therapist who was the first person to tell me I was an "empath." She instilled in me the idea that I'm this benevolent, angel-type of a person who has been abused. It blows my mind that there are people out there spreading these ideas about "empaths," because, to me, it is encouraging the development of covert narcissism. Taking responsibility and realizing I'm far from an angel is truly setting me free!
Damn, I'm glad I read this comment. It holds true to me.
@@katiemarie8899 I absolutely resonate with your statement on covert narcissism! It is precisely covert, even to ourselves. Furthermore I believe that the general idea of empaths having some kind of super power is neglecting the fact that there is a cost to it. Sure, there are times when an overly developed sympathy (or affective empathy) has its benefits, but one shall not forget that it brings the consequence of empathy as a psychological process being stuck in a perpetual loop, unable to conclude logical, or in worst case scenario affective empathy as a subprocess.
I have had to work on this as well throughout my life. I think it comes with the territory of being empathic. Consider this though, according to developmental studies, the higher stages of human development are also associated with greater capacity for care, compassion, and understanding of others. So that's the good side of it, the shadow side is, I believe, exactly what you've pointed out here. There are many times when I've held back on my authenticity, due to wanting to stay agreeable with others. I saw a quote recently that really hit home, it said something along the lines of, it's better to tell the truth at the expense of being disagreeable because ultimately you will attract the right people into your life. The ones you want to take notice. The ones who appreciate Truth, Authenticity, and the ones who will Love and accept you for who you truly are. Good talk... thanks for sharing your viewpoint.
Hello Katie! I basically watched all your videos on a single run, and I felt like you were describing me all along. It feels great to be guided by people who feel the same as us. Hope you'll upload more content, but I dont want to put the pressure on you either! Great work!
PS: I m a young adult male from a completely different cultural background, yet the personality similarities are astonishing, It's wonderful how the structure of the human mind can transcend origin and/or gender!
Well articulated! I'm an ENFJ so this is an area that I have a lot of struggles in this area. I guess the hard part for me is I identify a lot with where other people are coming from, quite often even more so than even with who I am and my own needs but weirdly enough I often have found myself strangely separate from the crowd as well. It could have something to do with age group, a lot of people my age and class left our city for greener pastures quite a while ago, it could also have something to do with the fact I'm not married. I just don't fit in to a lot of categories of society around me..
I have also had a tendency to suppress my desire to be on stage, for example, in the theatre where I am quite involved and I have had quite a bit of involvement backstage but I have been auditioning and been on stage more and more while not ditching completely the other things I do.
It's all a process & a journey!
Well done ,you are so real ,spoke with your heart. I relate to you 100 percent like a mirror.Just discovered how deep my people pleasing was &is.Had an explosion few months ago ,haven’t been the same since.my abuser has been a blessing in disguise.keep talking you are my other me.love you Bernard
Great video! It was beautifully explained.
Thank you for sharing!
Very beautiful sharing Katie. You are wise beyond your years. Thank you for unpacking some of the hidden aspects of people pleasing. I agree with you about the subtle dishonesty, arrogance, and potentially detrimental effects of telling the truth in order to people please. Thank you for your insight and honesty!
Fellow INFJ here!! 🥰
Several years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD with my therapist at the time calling it CPTSD (and I agree, it’s just a struggle with the DSM5 being behind the times) and I struggle so much with people pleasing to the point where I dread going to work everyday because I’m a supervisor for young adults (some older than me) and teens who are student workers at a college, and I also have to play a role in catching students doing things that violate policy (drinking/drugs/fights/etc.) and its hard because I grew up in a very conflict-heavy household even through all the times I came home from college between semesters. It got to the point where I felt like the only way I could avoid constant anxiety attacks was to become the family therapist and mediator just to keep them from shooting themselves/stabbing each other.....it was rough. I can’t deal well with people yelling around me because of the yelling and screaming all around me throughout my formative years, so I really struggle to deal with the more aggressive/violent situations at my work (even though they’re rare, I still dread them happening).
This is something I have also been trying to work on, but it’s so hard because I know I desperately need regular therapy to learn tools fit to me specifically but I can’t afford it anymore and my shift is the night shift at work, so I sleep during most of the work day. I try to remember to forgive myself for this dread and constant stress/anxiety that comes from the PTSD, but that’s hard too. So thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, because on the one hand it’s so helpful to know Im (obviously) not the only one struggling with this, and on the other hand because some of your points I think might be helpful for me too if I keep working hard on it.
I really hope this is something that you’re able to work through and get better at! Best wishes!! 💕
I wrote a lengthy paragraph on boundares, authenticiy and surrounding yourself with people who value you. But then I got to the end and you summed it up better than I could of. You have a beautiful heart and I hope to see you being your best self, sharing your creativity and energy. I would also recommend reading "the body takes the score" on trauma it's really good.
INFP 4w5
Oh and a big reason you want harmony is because of suffering others have caused you in the past and therefore you want to avoid those conflicts even though you dont agree with what they say. Thats how i see it
Sweet girl, you are so far on this journey! As someone much older I am envious at your approach and willingness to look into the mirror. Kudos, keep growing.
Hi Katie! First I would like to say; thank you for taking your time to make this video for all of us. I personally relate to a lot of your stories and have been watching your channel for a while. I’m a quiet listener and do not comment much. But I felt compelled to comment here. I too am an INFJ as well as a 2w4 Enneagram. I’m very empathic and have always known that about myself. For reference: I’m male, 25. Grew up in a divided home. Dad and mom divorced at a very early age and I have no memories of them being together. Growing up my mom was single for most of my childhood (up to age 10) my dad re-married early in my life (age 3) I remember constantly having to switch “faces” going between each “life”. My mom is very sweet, empathic and quiet like me. So I would tend to be more soft spoken with her. My dad was always on edge, upset, so I was constantly on my toes. Becoming an adult I realize I bring a lot of those into my love life. Wanting to make sure they are feeling good, taken care of... I’m obsessed with that. For reference: I look for true love, I don’t do one night stands or talk to multiple woman at once. There has been one female in my life that has constantly gotten away. There’s a lot about her that I won’t bring into this. One thing I will say, is that I can tell she is very empathic but is locked away due to her past abusive relationship. But I do find myself wanting to be that person to “fix” her. But I feel terrible thinking that way. I’m holding back what I want for myself. I tell her what she wants to hear and what I feel will keep the relationship in this bubbly state.. when in the end it’s making it worst. I do not know where to go in most cases.. so I leave it be and deal with it internally. That’s until I’ve kept it in to much and I explode. We’ve never gotten into an argument because we both do this. We both don’t want to hurt the person.. we both have a lot to work through. I just wanted to wrap this up by saying you put another perspective on this that I haven not seen before and I want to thank you for that! I’m working on it and I believe as long as you realize “faults” in your life are learning experiences and I’m working towards finding my complete self.
I understand how you feel and sad to say; sometimes we need to leave these people behind. As angelic or helpful we might wish to present ourselves, we can't save them. They have to save themselves. We can't burn our light selves out because, welp, they won't help us if we do.
We can show a path but they have to strike the match. :)
Wow, wow, wow!!! this video is SO great. I know exactly what you're talking about and have experienced it many times in my interactions with a wide variety of people.
Whenever you talk, it makes me feel seen and understood. I'm INFJ as well and i have struggled to put these things you talk about into my own words. Your articulations help me a LOT. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and real!!! And self-aware.
I especially loved the middle part where you talk about how we as INFJs have a part in the situation of being oppressed and how we can cause/bring it out of people. I love that you brought that up, it gave me hope and empowered me to realize that well, if I can cause it to happen then that is actually good news because it means it is within my power to not LET it happen as well by changing how I present myself to people, etc. Thank you!! :)
Katie, there is another possibility that you may want to consider. It is looking at another facet of your being-personality. You need a man that has the capacity to match your self giving. When a man and a woman enter into a relationship where both are focused on the other. This is the relationship type yo should look for. You have depth of personality that is endearing and attractive. The area that I sense in you is your need to be loved and to love. The area you need to develop is to be yourself and don't opt for just going along. Don't over analyze yourself Katie. Don't change to much just have the confidence to be true to your self. Finding a man with matching qualities and similar interests. You are a woman that wants a relationship that has intimacy as opposed to sexual only. They say opposites attract, I don't think so. I think that is a trap which leads to a bad and lonely relationship. The way you are being open is how you should be Katie. Being selfless is a good thing, a very good thing. Aim to find a man with those matching qualities and don't settle for less.
Wow, first off just want to say this was very mature and insightful. Beyond that, I feel your really onto something with your new angle in dealing with people pleasing. It's hard for Infjs just to focus on self love, because love particularly self love in a Fi function which is unfortunately in our critic slot. This is probably the reason we often just mirror others because Fi critic produces guilt, and if we try to use a self love emotion we have to fight against the guilt.
BUT in your new approach you could almost argue that you are using guilt as a motivator rather than trying to fight against it. Instead of trying to overcome it with another emotion like self love, your instead in essence saying "I'm not authentic when I do this, I'm not contributing my best when I do this, and that makes me feel guilty." Now NOT acting in your best interest causes the guilt, rather than forcing a positive emotion that Fi critic will oppose you on.
Most people already know INFJs are vulnerable to people pleasing due to high Fe, for obvious reasons. And maybe you already know this, butt what might not be as obvious is Se inferior is a culprit too. Because Se likes to either perform, give an experience, sensation, or otherwise make others comfortable in some way. For me personally, this involves cooking out of of the ordinary meals to give some novelty (Experiences/Sensation), giving out back/neck messages (Sensation), some of my friends like when I Karaoke with/for them (Sensation/Performance). I like to accommodate with things like "Does anybody need more food or drink?"(Make others stay content/comfortable) Or make it known to others they are more than welcome to join in the group activity I've planned, and that it wouldn't be a bother if they participated (not wanting to give a bad experience). Unfortunately this coupled with Fe makes a recipe for a people pleasing disaster.
As far as your tendencies to assist or correct other people, unfortunately that is what happens when your top function stacks are Fe, Ni, Se, and Ti. So this effects Enfj, Estp, and Isfp to in some degree. But this Quadra (Which I know as being referred to as Templars) tend to council and mentor others to sharpen their character and Intellect, and in the INFJs case also help them heal by teaching them how to forgive. Ironic considering our Si demon makes us very begrudging and rarely forgetful of a slight.
Anyways awesome video again, this was some great content and you obviously have studied the issue of people pleasing and psychology as a whole. Please keep up the great work.
I enjoyed your video very much:))
I appreciate your courage to share. Its something I find hard to do most of the time... so to see others bravery inspires.
I've only recently found for myself the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator info. For four decades I lived without this knowledge, but once I heard about it everything started to make sense. All the dots started to connect, now I have to find the courage to share... because if I don't then others wont have a chance to benefit from the internal soundness I have found for myself.
I am happy to see what you are doing. this conversation needs to happen and you seem to be passionate about these concepts that are so new to me. Talking with some people about things such as these seem to induce lethargy, when I find it so fundamental to the way people function. So again, I appreciate you sharing.
Here is my take.....
As with any thing... people pleasing can be good and bad. People should want to be pleasing to others, if not they are probably asinine and not worth your time anyway. With anyone people pleasing becomes bad when its done to feel comfortable with one's self or to make others like you. Always be true to your self first and only care up to a certain point, past that nothing external is worth it anyways.
I am an INFJ, to the core, and proud of it. People pleasing is inherently counter-intuitive to our nature. A negatively oriented, turbulent, INFJ people please-er, looks for self-validation in the external world which contradicts the INFJ nature of introversion. We should not depart from our natural instincts. To embrace the introverted path is the INFJ's purpose. Nothing satisfactory can be found in the external for an INFJ, without finding our true self within. Once achieved, intrinsically we INFJ's stand in our own power and negate the desire to people please. No longer looking for outward things to feel satisfied, to feel comfortable enough within our own skin. We all must learn to let go of negative personality traits that affect the INFJ's true character. Our true character, that true self, will bring the magic within us forward into the external as a gift to other people. Therefore, pleasing the people... or at least the ones who deserve and appreciate it.
There is so much more to us INFJ's. The water well goes deep. The more we talk with one another.. the more we learn about ourselves and each other.
:))... and then we can convert all other personality types to INFJ and the world will become a better place:))
This is so good. I relate. I often think about being in that situation. I've never been in a relationship where the girl was completely honest with me and it always seemed like I bared my soul. A few times I was involved with the narcissistic type as well. In the end, I wasn't able to please them enough and they broke up with me because of that deficiency, which left a heavy wound in me of not being good enough. Since then it's been really difficult for me to be vulnerable with people (especially women). Anyway, I just want to thank you for sharing because it's affecting growth in my life. You're paving the way for others. Thank you. A million times, thank you!
Hey, you’re back! And yes, please, please be patient, you will grow into it, just fine, I swear. This is so hard to watch, as an INFJ over 40, to see you younger ones struggle the exact same way I did, and I’m here to tell you it is going to be just fine. Don’t be too tough on yourself, because you will be, but you have to make sure to retreat, and don’t fight it, you need it to recharge. Trust your feeling to retreat. Don’t be something you are not, even if you feel the external pressure to “try” to be more social, or make more friends, your inner self knows exactly what to do; trust it when it signals the need to withdraw for a while. You will make the friends you need when you need them. You will have the people you need in your life as you need them, and they will be the right ones. You will save yourself pain by trying to change in this way. If you don’t have much interest in socializing, for a while, for however long, don’t force it. You know exactly what to do if your trust what you feel and honor it in the seemingly “small” ways. This exploitation theory I think is nonsense. INFJs aren’t that agreeable. When their values are violated, they are the opposite. You are supposed to be the way you are at 25 anyway, because people tend to treat younger people as if they should be agreeable. It’s kind of on them for doing this and it’s a good way to avoid idiots. Also, we are not so susceptible to this narcissistic abuse at all, we catch on quickly. You at 25, won’t feel this yet, but I promise you, you will not make a habit of this because you will spot them a mile away. It changes because of age and experience, you don’t have to do all the work yourself, time takes care of this as well. But it’s to important as a woman, that you understand that you will not be a victim of narcissists the way you feel you might, at this age, but we are not weak or wimpy. We are extremely empathetic, and the empathy we will feel will be toward the victims of narcissists, not the narcissist. The injustice of this will cause us to feel that our values have been violated, and that will bring out the sleeping giant, and we will express our incredible resolve toward the narcissist. You change a lot in this perception of yourself. I swear, and actually, you aren’t a people pleaser in the way you describe, you actually feel what you say in that moment, it is immediately following that moment that you realize you also feel something completely opposite. God, I did this to myself too. Ugghhhh. Please resist the temptation to draw conclusions. You will find out as I have, that you will be wrong about you. Not about others. No, you aren’t lying and being dishonest. You actually mean what you say when you are in the midst of the connecting part. I swear. I swear. I’m worrying about you now - cuz I know how I was. No, you aren’t selfish, you actually mean it . It’s like watching myself, I’m dying here. I shall stop now. I really hope you read this rather bizarre comment, which became an interaction. Oh no, now you are scolding other INFJs for lying. Oh shit. I gotta gets gone.
As an intj I dont really relate to the people pleasing per say. I do however relate to being selfish and wanting to change. I think or should say hope that the following generations become aware of these ever-present behavioral dynamics at an earlier age than most of us. Im 37yrs old and feel after diving into psychology, the last year, that I've just found the issues I've carried around since I was a fragile and innocent kid. Unfortunately we are the rare personalities that feel these things before we know them. Most others are lost until they have lived their full lives. But thank you for yours thoughts. Keep growing.
We didn't see you from a while, good to see you again.
Great to see your name pop up on here again, too. :)
Ironicallly this video pleases me. I guess sometimes being yourself works wonders for others with very little sacrifice to integrity. Thank you.
I've been reading through Pete Walker's website. His material really resonates with me, and his book is next. I'll check out Jordan Peterson. I appreciate your candid videos. Keep working on yourself, and I will too. (I'm INFJ 4w5, too.)
Metallica - Unforgiven 2... Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's opened if you're true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you
Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze
The door cracks open but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining...
What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?
What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?
Come lay beside me, this won't hurt, I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there...
What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?
What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?
Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes, now I see it
What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?
What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits,
The one who waits for you....
Oh, what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you? (so I dub thee Unforgiven)
Oh, what I've felt...
Oh, what I've known...
I take this key (never free...)
And I bury it (never me...) in you
Because you're unforgiven, too...
Never free...
Never me...
'Cause you're unforgiven, too...
Oh
"People-pleasing" is not bad so long as it is honest. For example, volunteering your time to help someone is a form of positive people-pleasing so long as you do not secretly resent doing it. Are you acting from a positive motivation or a negative motivation? Acting out of love is positive, acting out of a desire to avoid conflict (i.e. fear) is negative. I do things to please my wife all the time, not because I fear her displeasure, but because I truly enjoy making her happy! Healthy people-pleasing brings joy while unhealthy people-pleasing brings frustration and makes you feel misused and trapped. Focus on your motivation rather than the action and it will all tend to line up.
I like thinking of it this way because it helps frame the issue in a way that highlights your personal agency rather than labeling someone as an abuser or a victim.
Hi Katie,
You have very rightly pointed out the different aspects of being a people pleaser. I have also been thinking lately how I selfishly agree with others and project it outward as something I have done out of good will. While the real reason for my action is to not cause any conflict and somewhere to constantly secure the other person. I really feel you when you said - in reality I am being a liar seeking truth and genuineness from others. I don't let my real self to come out - probably I fear others will reject me. I don't know if this helps. Recently I have been thinking about this a lot - I realised maybe scheduling my assertiveness would help. I am not able to to strike a balance between assertiveness and empathy - that is why I decided to practice assertiveness. By default, I lean towards being out there for others and being mum even when I disagree with them. Or either I would lose my temper and react in a manner that would not be proportionate to the situation. I have decided to take baby steps to owning my truth in front of those near ones who I have felt have taken my needs and perspective for granted. (Sometimes - it could be messy as it might involve bringing back instances from past). Many times it has made me look like I could not be trusted with my feelings. I try not to take that route often - or I take it in a relevant/ appropriate conversation. I don't know if I am really helping myself but it kind of gives me a sense of being free of myself - of the surveillance you spoke of.
I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself. In the last video, you had spoken about how much the TH-cam comments get too much for you. I feel you again. I have been planning on posting a comment on some of your previous videos but haven't been really able to. Just wanted to say a big thank you for the video on Healing as an INFJ and how to establish boundaries. It was deeply insightful and meaningful.
Your videos mean a lot! Take care.
Thank you for making this video, it's exactly where I'm at right now. Great to hear you talk so authentically about this, it's a message that lots of people will benefit from
Full of insight and wisdom as usual mam. Keep growing and adding value!
Great video. No jump cuts!
I'm an infj too , and I have the exact same problem as you , so I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us , as an infj I know it wasn't so easy for you , lots of love💙💙💙
Also you are quite the amazing person to be sharing these videos and topics, it's good to be connected.
So pleased to have seen this video, have to reset several boundaries this morning because I've been alittle to agreeable recently. I've noticed I'm too passive.
Again, another thought provoking video! The part about succumbing to the drive to do better by others and remembering the impulse to keep the equilibrium in interactions with people can become more important that the actual interaction itself. And it does overshadow self care and I personally sometimes find my words to not be my own words; just words that fit the bill for that moment. So it’s great and encouraging to hear it said out loud and that others too go through similar experiences. Great job. 👍🏻 :)
Wow this is a great video. THIS inspires me to share my story. Not edited, not trying to be funny or entertaining (not that its bad to be entertaining) but REAL. There may not be much time left for some, with everything going on. ITS TIME TO BE REAL
There is so much I want to say but when I thought about typing it all out (and it basically turning into an essay) I got overwhelmed. I wish we could just sit and talk, but I'd probably just stare at you. Because rejection is my biggest fear. Because rejection means loneliness.
@Scooter Trash No, I've come through a painful examination of my own psyche. From that, I can't say that I have ever rejected myself :~)
hi Katie, i just found you today. i like what you are doing. it seems to come natural for you. you can help a lot of people ! DO NOT let jerks stop you ! they will try.
I have been the fawn. Thank you for your wisdom on this, your words have convicted me, there’s so much truth to what you are saying. Just so you know I have fallen in love with you. Not in a creepy way, just every word you say and how you say it, in fact in all your videos, it’s like you are me and I am you. I will admit right now in public comments, I’m a liar this way as well, I keep the peace around me all whilst having totally different thoughts inside, I apologize to the world and I am starting a new. Thank you so very much!!!
Your words resonate. Thank you for your honesty. Pete Walker is a great resource. So is Arielle Schwartz.
Katie i feel ya.. look back at your video and how many deep breaths you take from the stress of being perfect with what you saying..im an old introvert and been through all i see in you now ..i got past most of it by be comfortable with who I am .not trying to please so much . Knowing that pleasing as a fake person..and we both know fake is a lie to introverts..learn to let go of the things that make you take those deep breaths ..its only stress that will kill you in the end ..stress is on yourself is much worse than what someone else thinks of you ..we all have this thing of the truth and pleasing as an introvert but learn to get past it believe in yourself and put yourself first even though that sounds bad its most important for you and your health