I’m so glad Alicia and Jono were open about this. So many people think they’re awful for using porn, and they don’t realize that so many good people have had the same struggle. And Jono is clearly a very good person, so if he can struggle with it, then clearly having that struggle does not make you a bad person. In fact, the fact that you care about whether or not you’re a good person says a lot.
This is needed. The way I grew up, it was all shame and guilt. I think we need more open conversations about sex and porn. And why and no judgement and shame.
Right.. I agree. I used to care when I was younger but now I know it’s a natural thing. And when you know your man loves the 💩 out of you, it’s unbothersome. He’d rather have his love than any of them and he’s proved himself plenty, manyyyyy of times… which is why I have the attitude I do 😎 thank you babe ❤
The amount of honesty and openness and sincerety in this judgement-free conversation has been really healing, thank you guys for sharing this. I've been stuck in the cycle myself and is something that I know will have to be kept in check throughout a hopefully long and healthy marriage in the future. It gives me a lot of hope to know that even if I slip up, having a relationship like the two of you have will be a strong foundation to build back up from. Love you guys!
"And as long as we feel alone, we feel hopeless, right? But once we're not alone, there's hope, right?." Someone to turn to in times of weakness. Probably the best statement in this video.
This becomes more painful when you are trying to conceive. You have to forgive him during fertile window. Even last night I found out he is still addicted. This is painful and I feel disgusted .
I’ve had partners whose porn consumption was a point of contention in our relationship because they wanted me to groom and act like the women they were watching on screen. I’ve also had other partners where there was no negative effect. I do think it would be interesting to look at if there is any difference in consuming what I usually see called “feminist” or “ethical” porn versus mainstream porn.
Same!! Some guys seem to be able to separate porn from reality and others think porn IS the reality!! I have zero problem with porn if every single person involved is truly consenting and if actual female pleasure and safety is just as important as male pleasure. Wish there was more of it lol
I can't say as a whole, I can only speak for my own experience. But I would say I don't think so. I myself watch all kinds of porn and I never did or felt like having my girlfriend act like women do in porn. I actually feel really bad thinking about treating her roughly, we even decided to try it once in the beginning and it just left both of us feeling bad. Same goes the other way around, she likes many kinds of porn, and she never wants me to do anything close to those. It can be hot watching it on a screen, when you are far detached from the person, but it's something else to be in the presence of that. To DO that. It can be pretty gross. So no, I don't think the kind of porn you watch has anything to do with how you act on the bed. I think it has more to do with how you were educated. I was taught since forever that porn by no means represents real sex, just like you can't shoot laser from your eyes like superheroes in a movie. I was taught to respect my partner (all people, really) and try to never do them any harm. I learned to see people as their own individuals, and not as "MY girlfriend/parent/friend/cousin/boss/etc". While my girlfriend has had quite a... "journey" in her life, to put it lightly, she has been tangled into sex since she was a minor, and has gone through many a rough times. She had gone through a lot that helped her grow, and had some good role models away from home that in the end put her in a similar stance to what I am. She too, can't see me as "her ", but as an individual. That's mutual respect. And she too grew up from the delusions of porn. I think that's the main thing about it. Also, something that may also influence is that both of us are pretty empathic, which might keep us from wanting the other to, well... be humiliated, you can say. But I haven't put much thought into that yet, that's a side of ours that we are still exploring and beginning to understand. Though I wouldn't want to make it sound that if you have a fetish it means you don't feel for the other person. It sounds like a little bit of a leap to me.
@@SirZelean you seem to be solely focussing on rough porn. Which of course is totally fine, it's just not everyones idea of pleasureable porn. Like for me I do only consume "ethical" porn that focuses alot on female pleasure without any sorts of violence and or degradation. Frankly I only enjoy porn that mirrors what I like in real life and not the other way around. So there are different aspects to this topic I'd say.
I found that overcoming my addiction was first, admitting it to my husband but then second, I promised him that I would tell him if I slipped up and knowing that I promised him would make it easier to say no. And I’m so grateful how forgiving and understanding and sympathetic he is towards me.
Pornography, like most topics, requires nuance. As @MendedLight said in response to a different comment on this video, "portraying sex and sexuality is not the problem, it's the HOW." It might be worth remembering that pornography isn't a modern invention - evidence of porn has been uncovered in different cultures around the world going back hundreds or even thousands of years. It looked quite different, obviously, before the invention of photography, and then motion pictures, and then...the world wide web. (*dramatic sound effect*) You can make a strong argument that porn reflects the society that created it. Just as there is good & bad in our world, there exists harmful porn that perpetuates unrealistic standards, as well as sex-positive porn (aka "ethical porn" or "indie porn") that aims to promote inclusion and help reduce bodily shame. Growing up in a religious family with so much shame around sexuality, I found pornography to be a welcome refuge full of information. Not only could I find out all the different ways body parts look (and learn that nothing was wrong with my own vulva!), but I could also find out how they typically functioned. Information like that can be empowering. I have to admit, I kinda struggle to understand people who think porn is what real, everyday sex looks like - I don't watch movies and expect my hair to always fall perfectly around my face, or my bangs to be exactly the right length. That's a production, it's theatrics. Pornography (consensual, non-violent acts between adults) isn't inherently evil. Try to analyze the How and Why you consume it, and what that consumption causes you to feel. As for me, sometimes I get off watching porn, and sometimes I get off without it...but you probably aren't gonna find me "should-ing" all over people on youtube like some kinda holier-than-thou, omniscient weirdo. 😒
Like anything else, it's important to watch porn with your brain turned on and to always remember that this is not what sex in real life should be like. This sounds completely obvious but I honestly think that men who have sex with women often forget that when they watch porn and are surprised when women in real life don't actually do/like the things that women in porn do/like. It can make sex very one sided and it can make men feel inadequate when a woman tells him that she doesn't like something or that she wants him to do something different. I've even heard men say that they learned how to satisfy women from watching porn.🤦 Believe me, you won't learn to satisfy women by watching porn guys.
Thank you for being open about this! Pornography has affected my marriage negatively in a lot of ways, and we're just now (after 7 years) finally making some progress. I often feel gaslighted by internet culture and the prevailing belief that porn isn't bad or damaging unless it's child porn or abuse porn, etc. But what about my experience? My hurt? The betrayal I felt when I found out? Thank you for validating my feelings 💕
I definitely agree its all in the context. You both have to be honest and communicate and agree. Any lies and deceit is harmful to a relationship no matter what its about. Youd both need to consider eachothers feelings. And honestly even in a relationship where occasional porn use is agreed upon and accepted, overuse can still cause harm
Yeah, I get the OP’s point. Porn is so normalized and has entered mainstream so that it feels as if society saying that porn is always fine and SOP. I have heard that it has affected male grooming (shaving of pubic hair) for an entire age group. But if in your gut the porn use does not feel right to you, stick with that. You probably have a better sense of how it’s being used and how it affects you and your relationship better than anyone - including the user, who may be rationalizing and minimizing to protect their compulsion/addiction.
I love that you pointed that understanding is not the same as condoning! I fully believe that you can feel compassion for a person and understand a behavior that you believe is bad or harmful without condoning or enabling that behavior. Thank you for talking about porn and for sharing your experiences!
FIRSTLY. MAD MAD RESPECT FOR JONATHAN. Secondly I really love the way you look at each other on camera; it really shows your connection, respect and attentiveness. Often couples on youtube look mainly at the camera and not at each other when they are speaking and its very weird and unnatural.
I'm glad he dealt with this vice, because it's a bane to a married man. All men should learn how to control, master their desires and use their energy for higher purpose.
My heart was pounding so hard I couldn’t breathe because this is a very triggering topic for me but thank you again for talking about it in a safe and productive way. You’re helping to heal a lot of people 💕 both of you are doing good things.
I've been a fan of Jonathan through Cinematherapy for a few months, I think that channel is amazing... I'm an even bigger fan now! I've been struggling with leaving porn for a while, my reasons are pretty similar to Jonathan's (industry, treatment to women, portrait of sex), I've been aware that porn gives me (us) something as coping mechanism to whatever shit goes on in my (our) life. Seeing you guys talk so openly and towards the end both crying from the pain and the healing process was beautiful. If you ever see this comment, I'd ask the following: I did tell my wife a few times that I would like to get rid of porn and tried to get her to help me with it, but she has these very strong feelings against porn, and almost refused to even talk about it, like it's a complete absurd someone who consumes and watches porn. I don't blame her, I don't think less of her, I just haven't found a way of showing her how common it is and what the psychological processes are that lead men (mostly, I guess) to using porn as a release (bad analogy again? 😄). Would you have any tips as to how a husband who understands well what you guys just brought up in this wonderful video could help his wife (who doesn't speak English well and couldn't fully get this video) better understand the struggle? And perhaps start the path to healing? Thank you very much for what you do! Keep the awesome job up!
It might be good to consider e.g. asking a friend who speaks both languages and is close to her to watch it with her and translate. Someone who is not you, to avoid the traps of ... you know "I told you so" 's and co.. I think what Alicia said is a very good advice, though, no? That is she cannot be your help in this due to her own feelings in the matter, it is important that you build a support system and get help with being held accountable. Jonathan also brought up self-help advice in the previous video on the topic that may help. It will be your way to walk either way. That part cannot be helped, unfortunately. Even though her support may have been helpful in this, you will need solutions for yourself regardless of her decisions. As that can be a whole differnt topic (and hers to work through). After all, this needs to keep working regardless of if she's with you or not (I mean locally, like being with her versus being with friends or alone), now or in future. Your care for your()self cannot depend on her willingness to help with it. That rule is actually the same for healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships, all the same. :'3 Our baggage is ours, even in the face of e.g. someone actually being guilty of harming us (I say this to clarify the principle, not to in anyway imply anything about your relationship).
By the way I noticed two small details in your description. Really small things that can sometimes indicate underlaying concepts being at work in how we think. If you would like me to offer them to you for self-reflection (or just short self-check) purposes, please let me know. You'll need to @ mention me, I think, to notify me. As I have put other settings on "off". Feel very free to ignore this otherwise. Wish you well!
I hope Jonathan reads this so he can answer. For what the opinion of a random ignorant stranger is worth, I think that you need to find help elsewhere for now, like a therapist or a group, like they've said in the video. Work on yourself and maybe you'll be able to talk to her about it in time.
If she watches the video on the computer, there is automatic translation of the subtitles available, and the subtitles on the channel are 100% accurate. I think you can show her the video with the subtitles, what do you think?
You can't do this alone. You need couple therapy with a therapist that speaks your language. Why? Both of you have a problem with communicating about this subject, and a therapist can help you find the right way to do this. That alone can help your relationship. Secondly, you can't manage your own coping strategy choices. If you could, you would have chosen better. You have to face up to what you're running from, and you might need support with doing that.
Awwww Jonathan’s blush🥰 Thank you guys for being so open & honest with something so personal. It’s actually so helpful to see that therapists are human & have struggles too. Love your channel ❤️
Its comforting to see my favorite therapists on this platform showing that they too have struggles or have overcome hardships in life. It gives a renewed energy to fight on and keep at it :)
I found this video by pure accident and I'm not really given to this type of commentary but I really wanted to thank you two for this video. I don't have this problem but I've dealt with people who do and because of their attitude and approach to the subject I've become extremely judgemental of it. This was the first time I've seen a person genuinely and humbly taking accaountability, recognizing the harm it causes and maturely addressing it. It's touching to see how much respect your wife has for you, because of the way you dealt with it, to the point she's actually secure enough to expose it to the public. This if where the people I've dealt with never understood, that the way they dealt with their faults was much more of a problem than the fault itself. It's somewhat sad for me to realize today that I wouldn't have become so judgemental and insecure if they had at least taken a moment to consider developing half the morals this man has. I feel only respect and admiration for you. This might sound exagerated, but it's indeed a touchy subject for me. My honest gratitude.
If your spouse is struggling with cheating on you they don’t love you. If they did they would not WANT to cheat. Period, end of story. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t love you enough to be decent person and honor you. Best to just avoid those so depraved that they choose to look at little girls being abused.
For years I thought I was addicted to porn and then I was able to change my perspective and become free from the shame I felt from my "addiction". In reality I was not actually addicted, but I was in an aggressive shame cycle linked to my pornography habit. Once I was free from the shame it was easy to not consume porn compulsively. Breaking free of that shame also allowed me too actually examine the other reasons I was compelled to consume pornography and begin to treat those root challenges in my life and marriage as opposed to hyper focusing on the symptom of porn and ignore those larger issues.
This is so important. I was told, by another therapist, that ANY compulsive behavior used for coping came from root problems and that the behavior was covering up those problems. This can be self-mutilation, porn use, anorexia, bulimia, entering into cycles of toxic or abusive relationships, overeating, oversleeping, etc. It's learning how we can "healthily cope" as Jono and his wife said. The healthy coping mechanism will help break the bad habit of the unhealthy one, help rewire the brain to be happier, and more positive, and address the root causes (hopefully) at the same time ... if not side-by-side with other strategies to address those root issues. Thx for sharing!
This is the first video I’ve seen about porn addiction that didn’t make me feel worse afterwards. Thank you so much for sharing both of your experiences.
Its only hard to talk about when the shame is there. I had this talk with my ex gf and it honestly was so helpful to get me to stop viewing pornography as a crutch. These are conversations that are difficult to begin but they flow once both parties are understanding the real problem and not just shifting blame.
thank you for being vulnerable. Having my parents' marriage fall apart on this issue gives me a lot of fear for when porn might come up in the future. This video gives me a lot of hope, thank you for sharing.
This is both very brave on both of their parts and very helpful for me. I'm asexual; I don't experience sexual attraction and I've never bothered to watch porn. However, being an Ace person, it's possible that I won't have an Ace partner. I'm often concerned that any non-Ace partner will search for what they need outside of the relationship. This video reminds me that my Ace-ness does not make me less deserving of love and commitment. Thank you!
Hi! So, I’ve been seeing many comments from people on the ace spectrum, and your comment got me thinking, I hope you don’t mind me asking What would your relationship look like if you have no interest in sex and you partner has a high sex drive? Since you don’t want your partner to have his needs satisfied outside of the relationship, where will he? Will the person just need to abandon his needs? He= she/nb/partner
@@mermaidmaterial5735 Being asexual doesn't always mean that you hate sex. Some do enjoy sex but not actively seeking for it. For me, if my partner doesn't like sex or have low sex drive, I will masturbate since masturbation takes care most of my needs and I'm a simple person. Sex is not important to me so I don't mind masturbating for the rest of my life. What important is the genuine love from my partner. I expect the same thing from my future partner if I happened to not interested in sex one day. However, if sex is important to them, I will gladly let them go and have relationship with others who can satisfy their needs. Relationship is all about teamwork and commitment. If you're unhappy about your relationship and both of you have tried everything to improve it but nothing work, you should leave and pursue a new one.
Thank you both for being so vulnerable and real about an issue that is so prevalent and so destructive and so NOT talked about because of fear and shame. This is a topic that I hope you will continue to bring up because the problems of porn are here to stay. Thanks again for sharing your story!
That thumbnail. Lol. I thought you were joking, but when I realized you weren't, my respect level for you went way up. Not that I didn't respect you before, I did a lot. But the vulnerability you expressed just made me respect you more.
I get that it can be an addiction or compulsion, but it's so weird to have it be a form of infidelity that your spouse helps you through, and has to be understanding of. Like, watching him talk about porn as the other woman... I don't know how that wouldn't be incredibly triggering and awful for a spouse. I could support a partner through substance addiction, but wanting my support to stop cheating on me would be a hard pass. Porn is weird that it's a mix of the two.
The fact that you bring your wife food when you want things to go as well as possible proves how much you understand women lol I have been binge watching your content from your other channel and here, I just love how open and vulnerable you are! Thank you for your honesty and insight.
Just found out my husband (together about 5 years) has been hiding a serious porn addiction. I’m absolutely devastated but this video helped me just a tad. Thank you all for your transparency and advice!
Thank you both for your honesty, vulnerability, and courage to speak on such a personal subject. There's no shame in growth! I love the work you both do. 💜
I'd like to know more about what Jonathan meant when he said, "the more I learn about the industry". Because to flip this whole discussion around to those actors in the porn videos, they are often (especially in the darker ones) victims themselves. They are frequently forced (especially but not solely the women) to participate, through coercion or sexual slavery. There is a world-wide industry that looks for vulnerable people and sucks them into this industry through many means (drug addiction, fear/threats, kidnapping/enslavement). So when you or someone you know is 'consuming' porn, please be aware you're supporting an industry tainted by sexual slavery. It's not as harmless as you may believe.
I'm a therapist and have a question for how you two navigated the response to damaged trust. I find that many of my clients who experience damaged trust through situations like pornography use tend to respond by increasing the need for control - whether that's tracking apps, checking phones, location services, etc. Was this an issue in your process? Even if it wasn't, how do you help the betrayed partner begin to relinquish control in order to return to a state of trust and security? I tend to present the concept of displaying trustworthiness (consistent honesty, words and actions aligning, etc.) on the part of the betrayer and the intentional choice to take the risk to trust again - despite insecurities - on the part of the betrayed partner, but I would love any additional tools/suggestions you might have.
There is a big difference between being against others watching porn because purity/sex negative culture and stopping yourself from watching porn because these harmful issues within the industry that occur not 100% but far too often, because it is negatively affects your ability to deal with your daily reasonability's, etc.
Translation-"My anti-sex feminist bias is better than their anti-sex Christian bias". If you don't watch porn because some women involved have been abused by their partners, you also shouldn't listen to R&B (especially Tina's "river deep mountain high" ...) or even order food at a restaurant or interact with society at ALL. Women who are being abused or have histories of abuse exist in many places, do many things, engage in many jobs, and make many CHOICES, some of which make sense to you and some that don't. The only reason why you've decided that makes the whole industry bad and unacceptable because some women have been abused is because you already consider it bad and ... blame it in some way. One thing I find with sex-negative feminists, they never seem to notice that they are sex negative. They like sex and think it should be allowed ... in certain ... limited ways. And they think people should only have sex in certain ways and start sex-shaming, slut-shaming, kink-shaming, shaming sex-worker, in dismissing the choices of people who step outside their limits ... AND THEY DON'T NOTICE THEY ARE DOING IT. They doesn't see their biases or logically flaws and just assume their correctness and righteousness ... because they're a feminist! Years ago, at university, I was once forced into taking part in an debate on porn in my feminist group because they wanted to have one and NO ONE WOULD TAKE THE PORN SHOULDN'T BE BANNED, (apparently there were NO sex-positive feminists in the WHOLE group ... should have been a warning flag), I'd been neutral on the position which is why I ended up taking the pro-porn side in the debate they were posting on their forum. Over the discussion and my research I begin to find their arguments ... disturbing. It did have some benefits, I discovered sex-positive feminism ... and quiet the group of morons still living in 1983 following very old and out of date Gloria Steinem quotes.
First of all, I was making a separation between your personal choice and feeling you have a right to say other people are evil because they make different personal choices. Secondly, there could be multiple versions why one doesn't choice to watch porn. Third, by your logic, someone doesn't care about climate change if they, out of necessity, own a car. We have to interact with certain aspects of the world around us out of necessity and people aren't hypocrites for that. It's a argument made by lazy people.
Thank you for talking about this in a non-judgmental way. My parents are divorced because of a porn compulsion. I was newly married when they divorced, so it really hit me hard and now, it’s still hard because my parents cannot stand to even talk to each other, and two of my siblings don’t talk to one of my parents (in support of the other).
This is the most beneficial video I have ever watched on this topic. You delivered with such honesty, grace, and I appreciate how you attacked it in a clinical way, as well as from a more emotional perspective. I have so much respect for you both.♥️
Thank you for this video. Once I hit my 30 I started watching as a way to make myself feel bad cause of my insecurities and my low self worth. I feel it's wrong to watch it cause it's not right to see a woman that way. For 5 years I haven't watched them cause I got married and I feel my worth is better than what I thought.
I'm paused at 6:37, where you said talking about this on camera is not your favourite thing you've ever done. I just wanted to say thanks. I've been doing a lot of self analysis about some risky online porn adjacent behaviours that I can't seem to kick...that really mess with my ptsd and are some form of self sabotage that I seem to be repeating. I'm working through to find the 'why'. So, thank you for being brave about your story and sharing it.
Aww, this is so sweet and genuine. Me and my spouse discussed whether either of us were okay with the other watching porn(or hentai). As military, I was going to be away for a long time and my stance was whether it would help when we were apart. Turns out neither of us needed anything like that, but I think it was an important thing to discuss because then we don't feel like we need to hide anything out of shame. It's tough to be apart for so long so sharing in some kind of coping does help. We talked often instead and played games together online when possible.
This was such an interesting perspective and kudos to both of you for being so open about a tricky topic to discuss. As a queer person who has consumed porn, still sometimes does, but mostly have focused on changing where i access porn from and try to do so in a more ethical way these days. Porn was a really useful outlet where I could explore my sexuality safely during a time I was having a crisis of identity and grapling with my gender identity to boot. So for me porn isnt inherently bad but can be a problem, and can be problematic in its production, images it creates and harmful stereotypes it depicts. The time porn really becomes a problem is when it is used by many (through no fault of their own) as a replacement to quality (LGBTQIA inclusive) sex education. Anywho great vid guys :)
😭 You are the people I do not mind for suddenly cutting the onions, because it's so safe! When I thought I couldn't possibly love you more, I just ended up doing exactly that. This was visibly not easy. But precious beyond words. Please don't be scared (as pointless at that is to say). If anyone is not lovely and tries to bully you for your vulnerability in the comments now or in future, all you need is call (tag). I shall roll up my sleeves and sit them down for a through chat on how "hurt people, hurt people" applies to them as a consequence to the behaviour they chose to display. 😌We'll see if they can dig it up with help and mend so they wouldn't have to be mean again. You two sure are quite something. If I wasn't all the way across the big puddle, I'd come in and give you a set of "consent only" prrotective hugs. You are very very very strong. Please rest often. We need you well-coping and thriving.
The Golden rule Is always: talk about it! I don't like whatching porn, but my boyfriend does. Honestly, It doesn't bother me that he does.I know it's just a visual stimulus to help him when we're not toghether to him, but he recently told me he wants to stop whatching It cause to him it feels wrong in my respects. I don't want him to feel bad of he slips up or to give up something that helps him feel good (he has a healthy relationship with it)So, a couple of times, we whatched It toghether. The kind (honestly not so common) that we both like, with a couple being really sweet and goofy while passionate, very similar to us. And that's actually been fun, it turned out to be an experience of bonding and experimenting with intimacy.
Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable about this. There are many good people who are struggling with addiction and they just need people to love them and support them and give them hope.
Thank you for this video. Thank you both for your vulnerability. I know it was difficult to do and post, but this video is helping and going to help countless people. It helped me see my husband as a hurting person, not a bad person.
Jonathan, the more I watch your videos the more I find you beautiful from inside out and to outside in. You are such a strong human being! Plus that you have faith must be such a hard thing to go through. I am so inspired by you as a couple. Shame is the worst. And the way Alicia stand her ground but still is gentle and worm and such a lovely role model! Blessings ALL over you
I'm curious to hear your thoughts on the ethical porn movement. With the intent to show authentic pleasure, respect for the needs and boundaries of the performers, consent is paramount, and a focus on being inclusive (showing different body types, sexual orientation), do you feel this form of sexual expression is healthier? I find American culture to be wrapped up in a lot of judgement and shame when it comes to sex / sexuality, but this movement is helpful in breaking down those barriers, while aiding in teaching people what healthy, consensual sex can look like.
It will not work, for males more because of the biological difference in looking for reproducing... it works on the reward part of the brain, dopamine. This means that like with all these types of drugs it will need higher doses and more frequent. With porn it means more extreme for same result of arousal. This is why consumed more then rarely will not work for most people.
@@SaarLeestMee i dont think this is true. My husband and i both watch porn ones or twice a week, and its not something either of us has a problem with. We dont need more hardcore porn to get the same pleasure. I only watch ethical porn, because i dont want to support human trafficing and r*pe. Some people became addicted to it others dont.
What a beautiful couple! May God bless you all. My husband went through what Johnathan went through and opened up and cried and cried and said Thank you for not judging him. I was mad at first but then I realized he is human and this stimulated from him experiencing this as a child.
Something I disagree with is the idea that: "If it's a problem for me it has to be a problem for you" If it's a problem for one person, you need to have a discussion about it, yes. But it's not necessary the other person who needs to change.
15:11 This. 100% this. For anyone in a *related* situation and struggling to even consider what a "Male" being honest about his feelings looks like: this. Just this. If it's your first time here: please watch the whole video!
In a more serious note: the adverts running in the midst of this content (and acting as a masthead) for me, right now, are for a fashion brand called "Oh Polly"; that *very much IMHO* are showing thematically inappropriate content...
I applaud you both for giving a positive example for how to approach this subject as a team. As a woman who has struggled with how to approach this with my partners in the past, I am impressed and inspired by Alicia’s attitude. She is supportive and kind, giving Jonathan the space to be open with her. She doesn’t let insecurities and hurt get the best of her. That is something that we need more examples of as women. Great job to both of you! And also it’s a good reminder to me as a woman that it has nothing to do with the beauty of the spouse, because Alicia is clearly gorgeous.
This is probably never gonna be a top comment for this video but watching Jonathan be a dork in the outros is the best part of my day 😁 makes me smile every time
Shame is such a cul de sac for growth; it teaches us nothing, keeps us alone with our problems and stops us feeling like we are worthy of love. Thank you, both of you, for your honesty, because you show us that we don't need to be afraid of that honesty. I will both of you a very long life of growth and happiness together.
I love that y’all are so open. I can listen to a therapist talk about this or I can listen to someone who’s struggled with it but to have someone who has both backgrounds is so much more educational! Thank y’all for what you do!
Thank you for sharing your story. Being vulnerable on camera must have not been easy but I think it is important for people to see that side. I'm also struggling with porn addiction and I'm trying to overcome it. If or when I succeed to reach that point in my life in my future this video has played a significant role in my self-healing journey. It helps a lot that it comes from Jonathan that i didn't know has been through a similar experience and who I have come to respect very much as a person and a professional. You are inspirational!!!
I love that people are understanding that porn is a coping mechanism! Removing the shame is such important step for addressing the depends on the addition.
How can I deal with insecurities and past traumas surrounding infidelity and porn addictions my partners in previous relationships had? My current partner is literally the ONLY man I've ever been with who shares my values on porn and fidelity, yet I find myself almost "causing" problems because of the things I've been through in the past...I have C-PTSD (or OSDD-1a, still not disagnosed) and so often I find that my responses to anything surrounding porn/other women send me into full-on flight/freeze response. It is so exhausting, I'm 31 now and I just want to be happy and know what it feels like to trust that I am enough for someone... I'm sorry for leaving word walls here, I just struggle to find adequate help where I live...there isn't much as far as trauma resources go, especially for people who have experienced the level of trauma I have...I feel alone, and sometimes hopeless, so just knowing I can overcome this is enough to keep me going. Thank you guys again 💖
I would recommend communication in the model of “when you do” blank “I feel blank.” Talk it out, don’t try to hide your feelings or wait until it’s overwhelming to talk about it. Recognize that it’s a process of rewiring your nervous system and it’s going to take time. Look at your triggers, trace their origin, and work through that trauma-preferably with a qualified professional. And keep up on whatever helps your mental health-exercise, yoga, relaxation, journaling, nature walks, etc. Hope something in there helps.
I feel you. Although I have resources available I never got myself to go to them. Instead I looked for random people to talk to online thinking "they don't know me so they can't hurt me" but I ended up with a stalker for a time (extra trauma I didn't need). It's so important to find the right help. Hope you'll find it
You’re not alone! I am the same way and it’s a huge struggle in relationships. It will get better over time with a lot of hard work and uncomfortable feelings. 💕 but it takes a long time and we are in this together
Thank you for your openness and sharing such a difficult truth and experience with us Jonathan, we love you so much. I keep saying I should stop watching it and then going back into it, usually worse than before. I'm gonna watch your other video on overcoming porn addiction and try to start moving past this and healing myself too
Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable! This problem I fear has ended my marriage my partner doesn't want to try and as it stands will be filing for divorce in August (1st anniversary) I'm so ashamed and hate how much I've hurt her and want to take steps with therapy and 12 step to work on myself. I really don't want to lose her and I wish I could help her see its not about her and how it's described her.
I tried to do exactly whay she did for him after I founded out what he was coping with. Seeing you like this made me cry. So much love and honnesty. Thank you for sharing. I think the two needs to be at the same page and have the same values to be able to move on from that kind of "conflict"... Because, to take my previous relationship, my (ex)boyfriend continued and continued his distroying behaviours (which were more than "just" watching porn) and lied to me about wanting it to stop. Well... I still don't know if he was actually lying or juste enable to stop. He didn't seek for my help even when my hands were wide open. It took me 2 more years and several new discoveries to finally put an end to it... Because it was destroying me (us...) and it became impossible to think I wasn't at least a bit responsable for his own addictions. While we were fighting at the end, he said he was doing it when I was a ball-breaker... Apparently I was a bitch even after we've met like few days ago... It is still hard because I was really in love with that man and I really wanted to be the rock he needed to improve. But you both need to... And he didn't want it.
I've been struggling with porn for my whole life, this is one of the best videos I've ever seen. Everything in this aligns with the program I'm in to stop this. I'm exactly where this guy is at. I don't want this in my marriage and I don't want this as a part of who I am.
I really identified with using porn (or masturbation, generally) as a coping mechanism. Mostly as a form of stress relief or self soothing. I hadn't really considered it from that lense before, so thank you for being vulnerable John. Also, when you guys did your outro and left of with a slightly paused "And", I couldn't help but think "Watch movies" :)
I really appreciate you both sharing something so personal and vulnerable to your audience 💖 It has been very eye-opening to hear your experience, and hearing about a human struggle and challenge that even very good and respectful people go through just like anybody else, because we are all human. While this isn't an issue I've personally encountered in my life as of yet, it's an issue I have thought about before and I feel like I've gained more understanding on how to approach should it become an issue for myself or a future partner. Thank you very much for this 💖
I really do appreciate how vulnerable you both are here, and your takes on this issue are a lot healthier than some I've seen. However, I'm really disappointed that there is no mention of betrayal trauma in this video. I believe that whenever people talk about porn use in the context of a romantic relationship, they should definitely talk about betrayal trauma, which may impact the betrayed partner, and what that looks like. Also, I think when you mention how shame is so detrimental to stopping a porn habit, you should mention that there's a difference between shame and guilt, and that some initial guilt can help you stop the behavior. Guilt says "I did a bad thing." Shame says "I'm a bad thing." Johnathan said that when he looked into the porn industry and saw very negative things, in a way it helped him to be able to say no. I think that could be true for a lot of people, so mentioning some concrete ways that the porn industry hurts real people (coercion, rape, links to sex trafficking), not just users, is a must for this type of discussion.
DearAlice and Jonathan, thank you for these videos, for your honesty and your willingness to share so much of your life with strangers. That has got to be scary. I want to thank you because even though my values differ greatly from yours most of the time because I am an Atheist and from a very different culture, yet I find the way you navigate relationships helpful to me and my most important relationships. So thank you for making me see that I need to try harder to connect with the people I love. Thank you for reminding me that it's ok not to be ok and that it's always hard to change behaviours at times and that it's ok to fail sometimes as long as I am trying to be the best person I can be. Thank you. Thank you. Honestly and sincerely thank you.
Thank you so much for making this video. My husband and I are also LDS, going through this situation… thank you for sharing and making this video 🥹 literally crying right now to finally see a hopeful perspective that we can relate to
This is amazing as pointed in many comments. Thank you. The one thing I would ad for others is that one person in that interview does not want to talk about the benefits of porn. To have the peace to see good things that porn brings is the key to deal with it because it allows you to seek those good things or better somewhere else. Compulsive behaviour needs to be accepted like at the end - to bring self relief. And the relief ends compulsion because you have less to cope with. So to relief harm - it is the easiest way: to see the benefit of the coping mechanism and brainstorm and seek those benefits in more healthy behaviours 💚 If we see coping mechanisms as bad, we see the most unconscious parts of ourselves as bad while they proceed with what once was the best option to keep healthy or even alive. The good things, the meeds met can be changed on the copulsive side only with acceptance. Biologically you get access to modes of operation and psychologically you get in touch with them to be with yourself and live through a new way.
I link to this convo all the time when it comes to counselling people online about pornography and moving past it, and how for how SO's or Spouse's can participate in breaking the cycle of shame that sometimes roots the behavior. SUPER BRAVE, on both your parts to be open about this and air it. A really great example of living your values.
This happened to us, we’ve been together 16 years. It happened around about when we became parents. It was devastating to deal with but we got through. It’s definitely a destructive force in relationships.
My current partner has zero interest in porn or other women, but every relationship I've been in in the past, my partner has cheated (in the form of porn, talking to people online, etc)...this really helped me with identifying a lot of the residual pain I still struggle with that causes problems within my current relationship, and it helped me to also find compassion for the people I was with in the past who struggled with this addiction. Thank you guys for all you do for the mental health community 💖
@@ForrestMystic There are a few men but it's very rare. Like an angel between a group of devils. But those angels are mostly already taken. Every woman wants to find such an angel but it's difficult especially these days.
My last relationship (my 4th one) ended mainly because of this as well. He was extremely addicted and admitted to being addicted but still didn't want to give it up and he and his friends just thought I was crazy for not wanting my boyfriend to consume porn. He also cheated on me by chatting with other girls and paying for their nudes. In the relationship before that (my 3rd relationship), the guy also had a problem with porn, he was absolutely obsessed with this one milf he used to watch. In the relationship before that (my 2nd relationship), the guy secretly already had a girlfriend and cheated on both of us. And in my very first relationship, the guy started chatting with other girls and then broke up with me. All of this I found out by snooping too, none of them were honest to my face. I hate that this is an issue that comes up like all the time. Also hoping to find a guy who doesn't do any of these things but I am feeling less hopeful that there are any left day by day.
Thank you soo much about being so open and upfront about this! Thanks also for pointing out how people are exploited in the porn industry. I think many more people who think of porn as harmless entertainment need to know about this! And it's hurting men too, not only women. I once saw an interview with a TV celebrity, a not very bright, handsome, muscular young man who's had a troubled childhood and dropped out of school. He's been drawn into the gay porn industry in his late teens, where he went from half-naked photos to fully naked to hard-core porn. He left after a year or two, but in the interview, his rage and humiliation when thinking of this time of his life was very palpable.
Call it "cozy" for not and we will fill this place ourselves. Frankly, I'd rather watch growth and busy commenting that is caring and helpful and comes in slowly, than the masses of very disregarding comments I stumble over in most other places (ASMR vids are the other places that tend to be filled with regard, like this place here!) :D Have hugs if you like some! I'm sorry they're virtual.
This is one of the first times I do not entirely agree with Decker. "Porn isn't about sex" It is for a lot of us. It CAN be coping, yes, of course. But it might just as easily be fantasy, help to focus (for people with ADHD), curiosity, inspiration, or plain old stimuli. Just as your fantasy and your thoughts can be. I DO agree that you have to agree as a couple if it is okay, but there is no specific reason why one or the other is okay. There is no reason that the one who does not like porn should have the upper hand. Porn does not have to stand against or as an opposite to feminism or healthy relationships, it depends on the porn and there is so much different out there. Also good porn with healthy backgrounds. I strongly agree that porn without education results in bad sex ideals, but if you have proper sexED and a healthy relationship, there is nothing to say you cannot enjoy porn together. I know of several partnerships where porn is celebrated as a personal interest, where one can share ones fantasies without having to indulge in them, where one can share what one likes and can find release for fetishes or kinks that the partner does not share. It's a safe space of sexual exploration that should be celebrated as such. I respect that it can be damaging to some people if they do not understand what porn is for or if they are insecure about what their worth is compared to that, or if it triggers them. But I also want to stress that it can also improve upon a relationship, be a common experience, and a safe space to discuss personal preferences and ideas for future play. Maybe it is a cultural difference. I am Danish and culturally it is not so much a taboo as it is in the states. Porn is not bad or good. Like all things its a matter of how you use it.
I felt like their take on porn came from a place of very limited experience and very christian values. I think when it comes to porn it's better to watch the content of actual sex educaters. You might enjoy the TH-cam channel what's the safeword. It's very fun AND very educational.
Agreed. Not everything is black and white with porn inside a relationship. Having a healthy relationship with porn allows for self exploration of likes and fantasies that are unique to individuals, and that you can decide as a couple to share or not to share. Having clear sexual communication with a partner allows for agreements on what is game and what isn't inside and outside the bedroom. Allowing a partner to fulfill certain kinks or desires in their own space that aren't of interest to the other person is another great way of keeping communication and boundaries within a relationship.
![[MV] A leap of faith...ความเชื่อใจครั้งสุดท้าย (From "Petrichor the series")](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/U1piZH2CNXA/mqdefault.jpg)
Mad respect for Jonathan being open about this.
Thank you so much :)
@@MendedLight😊😊😊
Being so vulnerable on camera and presenting such a complex and personal subject without judgement is truly an accomplishment.
Thank you so much for saying so.
Yes, this is!!!
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I am always amazed at how much John can look directly into the lens (right into the viewer's eye) when talking about very vulnerable topics.
Well thank you. It's a practiced skill, lol. It did not come naturally at first.
@@MendedLight :) I'm sure not. As a photographer I can't stand being in front of the camera, let alone look directly into it haha.
I’m so glad Alicia and Jono were open about this. So many people think they’re awful for using porn, and they don’t realize that so many good people have had the same struggle. And Jono is clearly a very good person, so if he can struggle with it, then clearly having that struggle does not make you a bad person. In fact, the fact that you care about whether or not you’re a good person says a lot.
Thank you. This means the world to me.
@@MendedLight ❤️It means the world to a lot of others too❤️
This is needed. The way I grew up, it was all shame and guilt. I think we need more open conversations about sex and porn. And why and no judgement and shame.
Yes! Absolutely.
Right.. I agree. I used to care when I was younger but now I know it’s a natural thing. And when you know your man loves the 💩 out of you, it’s unbothersome. He’d rather have his love than any of them and he’s proved himself plenty, manyyyyy of times… which is why I have the attitude I do 😎 thank you babe ❤
The amount of honesty and openness and sincerety in this judgement-free conversation has been really healing, thank you guys for sharing this. I've been stuck in the cycle myself and is something that I know will have to be kept in check throughout a hopefully long and healthy marriage in the future. It gives me a lot of hope to know that even if I slip up, having a relationship like the two of you have will be a strong foundation to build back up from. Love you guys!
The people I admire most in life are those few people who have the absolute BALLS to be vulnerable and open to others with their worst life screw ups.
"And as long as we feel alone, we feel hopeless, right? But once we're not alone, there's hope, right?." Someone to turn to in times of weakness. Probably the best statement in this video.
I wish my husband would stop watching porn. He hides it, but I see his phone history. It hurts me so much Makes me feel so unattractive.
I found out my boyfriend has a porn addiction. I’m trying to remover myself from the equation but it’s hard.
This becomes more painful when you are trying to conceive. You have to forgive him during fertile window. Even last night I found out he is still addicted. This is painful and I feel disgusted .
Have you talked to him about it and told him how much it hurts you? Perhaps he's hurting to. Check out Dr John's videos on porn addiction.
I’ve had partners whose porn consumption was a point of contention in our relationship because they wanted me to groom and act like the women they were watching on screen. I’ve also had other partners where there was no negative effect.
I do think it would be interesting to look at if there is any difference in consuming what I usually see called “feminist” or “ethical” porn versus mainstream porn.
Same!! Some guys seem to be able to separate porn from reality and others think porn IS the reality!!
I have zero problem with porn if every single person involved is truly consenting and if actual female pleasure and safety is just as important as male pleasure. Wish there was more of it lol
I can't say as a whole, I can only speak for my own experience. But I would say I don't think so. I myself watch all kinds of porn and I never did or felt like having my girlfriend act like women do in porn. I actually feel really bad thinking about treating her roughly, we even decided to try it once in the beginning and it just left both of us feeling bad. Same goes the other way around, she likes many kinds of porn, and she never wants me to do anything close to those. It can be hot watching it on a screen, when you are far detached from the person, but it's something else to be in the presence of that. To DO that. It can be pretty gross.
So no, I don't think the kind of porn you watch has anything to do with how you act on the bed. I think it has more to do with how you were educated. I was taught since forever that porn by no means represents real sex, just like you can't shoot laser from your eyes like superheroes in a movie. I was taught to respect my partner (all people, really) and try to never do them any harm. I learned to see people as their own individuals, and not as "MY girlfriend/parent/friend/cousin/boss/etc". While my girlfriend has had quite a... "journey" in her life, to put it lightly, she has been tangled into sex since she was a minor, and has gone through many a rough times. She had gone through a lot that helped her grow, and had some good role models away from home that in the end put her in a similar stance to what I am. She too, can't see me as "her ", but as an individual. That's mutual respect. And she too grew up from the delusions of porn. I think that's the main thing about it.
Also, something that may also influence is that both of us are pretty empathic, which might keep us from wanting the other to, well... be humiliated, you can say. But I haven't put much thought into that yet, that's a side of ours that we are still exploring and beginning to understand. Though I wouldn't want to make it sound that if you have a fetish it means you don't feel for the other person. It sounds like a little bit of a leap to me.
@@SirZelean you seem to be solely focussing on rough porn. Which of course is totally fine, it's just not everyones idea of pleasureable porn. Like for me I do only consume "ethical" porn that focuses alot on female pleasure without any sorts of violence and or degradation. Frankly I only enjoy porn that mirrors what I like in real life and not the other way around. So there are different aspects to this topic I'd say.
I had this happen in a former relationship
@@dakota7314 honestly
I found that overcoming my addiction was first, admitting it to my husband but then second, I promised him that I would tell him if I slipped up and knowing that I promised him would make it easier to say no. And I’m so grateful how forgiving and understanding and sympathetic he is towards me.
No one should be using porn.
Disagree, i think it's the perfect tool to finally show women how easily replaced they are.
Pornography, like most topics, requires nuance. As @MendedLight said in response to a different comment on this video, "portraying sex and sexuality is not the problem, it's the HOW."
It might be worth remembering that pornography isn't a modern invention - evidence of porn has been uncovered in different cultures around the world going back hundreds or even thousands of years. It looked quite different, obviously, before the invention of photography, and then motion pictures, and then...the world wide web. (*dramatic sound effect*)
You can make a strong argument that porn reflects the society that created it. Just as there is good & bad in our world, there exists harmful porn that perpetuates unrealistic standards, as well as sex-positive porn (aka "ethical porn" or "indie porn") that aims to promote inclusion and help reduce bodily shame.
Growing up in a religious family with so much shame around sexuality, I found pornography to be a welcome refuge full of information. Not only could I find out all the different ways body parts look (and learn that nothing was wrong with my own vulva!), but I could also find out how they typically functioned. Information like that can be empowering.
I have to admit, I kinda struggle to understand people who think porn is what real, everyday sex looks like - I don't watch movies and expect my hair to always fall perfectly around my face, or my bangs to be exactly the right length. That's a production, it's theatrics.
Pornography (consensual, non-violent acts between adults) isn't inherently evil. Try to analyze the How and Why you consume it, and what that consumption causes you to feel. As for me, sometimes I get off watching porn, and sometimes I get off without it...but you probably aren't gonna find me "should-ing" all over people on youtube like some kinda holier-than-thou, omniscient weirdo. 😒
Like anything else, it's important to watch porn with your brain turned on and to always remember that this is not what sex in real life should be like. This sounds completely obvious but I honestly think that men who have sex with women often forget that when they watch porn and are surprised when women in real life don't actually do/like the things that women in porn do/like. It can make sex very one sided and it can make men feel inadequate when a woman tells him that she doesn't like something or that she wants him to do something different. I've even heard men say that they learned how to satisfy women from watching porn.🤦 Believe me, you won't learn to satisfy women by watching porn guys.
Porn led to worse and worse behavior and cheating with my ex. The person addicted to porn always wants more.
I have a bit of religious trauma and it is so healing to see you two having such a raw and healthy discussion of something considered 'shameful'.
Thank you for being open about this! Pornography has affected my marriage negatively in a lot of ways, and we're just now (after 7 years) finally making some progress. I often feel gaslighted by internet culture and the prevailing belief that porn isn't bad or damaging unless it's child porn or abuse porn, etc. But what about my experience? My hurt? The betrayal I felt when I found out? Thank you for validating my feelings 💕
I don’t think porn it hurtful for you but the way your partner was hiding it from you. So your partners behavior hurt you.
I definitely agree its all in the context. You both have to be honest and communicate and agree. Any lies and deceit is harmful to a relationship no matter what its about. Youd both need to consider eachothers feelings. And honestly even in a relationship where occasional porn use is agreed upon and accepted, overuse can still cause harm
Yeah, I get the OP’s point. Porn is so normalized and has entered mainstream so that it feels as if society saying that porn is always fine and SOP. I have heard that it has affected male grooming (shaving of pubic hair) for an entire age group. But if in your gut the porn use does not feel right to you, stick with that. You probably have a better sense of how it’s being used and how it affects you and your relationship better than anyone - including the user, who may be rationalizing and minimizing to protect their compulsion/addiction.
you are not alone
How did you deal with it for 7 years? Like did you ever get to the point where you just wanted to quit?
I love that you pointed that understanding is not the same as condoning! I fully believe that you can feel compassion for a person and understand a behavior that you believe is bad or harmful without condoning or enabling that behavior. Thank you for talking about porn and for sharing your experiences!
FIRSTLY. MAD MAD RESPECT FOR JONATHAN. Secondly I really love the way you look at each other on camera; it really shows your connection, respect and attentiveness. Often couples on youtube look mainly at the camera and not at each other when they are speaking and its very weird and unnatural.
I'm glad he dealt with this vice, because it's a bane to a married man. All men should learn how to control, master their desires and use their energy for higher purpose.
My heart was pounding so hard I couldn’t breathe because this is a very triggering topic for me but thank you again for talking about it in a safe and productive way. You’re helping to heal a lot of people 💕 both of you are doing good things.
I've been a fan of Jonathan through Cinematherapy for a few months, I think that channel is amazing... I'm an even bigger fan now! I've been struggling with leaving porn for a while, my reasons are pretty similar to Jonathan's (industry, treatment to women, portrait of sex), I've been aware that porn gives me (us) something as coping mechanism to whatever shit goes on in my (our) life. Seeing you guys talk so openly and towards the end both crying from the pain and the healing process was beautiful. If you ever see this comment, I'd ask the following: I did tell my wife a few times that I would like to get rid of porn and tried to get her to help me with it, but she has these very strong feelings against porn, and almost refused to even talk about it, like it's a complete absurd someone who consumes and watches porn. I don't blame her, I don't think less of her, I just haven't found a way of showing her how common it is and what the psychological processes are that lead men (mostly, I guess) to using porn as a release (bad analogy again? 😄). Would you have any tips as to how a husband who understands well what you guys just brought up in this wonderful video could help his wife (who doesn't speak English well and couldn't fully get this video) better understand the struggle? And perhaps start the path to healing? Thank you very much for what you do! Keep the awesome job up!
It might be good to consider e.g. asking a friend who speaks both languages and is close to her to watch it with her and translate. Someone who is not you, to avoid the traps of ... you know "I told you so" 's and co..
I think what Alicia said is a very good advice, though, no? That is she cannot be your help in this due to her own feelings in the matter, it is important that you build a support system and get help with being held accountable. Jonathan also brought up self-help advice in the previous video on the topic that may help.
It will be your way to walk either way. That part cannot be helped, unfortunately. Even though her support may have been helpful in this, you will need solutions for yourself regardless of her decisions. As that can be a whole differnt topic (and hers to work through). After all, this needs to keep working regardless of if she's with you or not (I mean locally, like being with her versus being with friends or alone), now or in future.
Your care for your()self cannot depend on her willingness to help with it. That rule is actually the same for healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships, all the same. :'3 Our baggage is ours, even in the face of e.g. someone actually being guilty of harming us (I say this to clarify the principle, not to in anyway imply anything about your relationship).
By the way I noticed two small details in your description. Really small things that can sometimes indicate underlaying concepts being at work in how we think. If you would like me to offer them to you for self-reflection (or just short self-check) purposes, please let me know. You'll need to @ mention me, I think, to notify me. As I have put other settings on "off".
Feel very free to ignore this otherwise. Wish you well!
I hope Jonathan reads this so he can answer.
For what the opinion of a random ignorant stranger is worth, I think that you need to find help elsewhere for now, like a therapist or a group, like they've said in the video. Work on yourself and maybe you'll be able to talk to her about it in time.
If she watches the video on the computer, there is automatic translation of the subtitles available, and the subtitles on the channel are 100% accurate. I think you can show her the video with the subtitles, what do you think?
You can't do this alone. You need couple therapy with a therapist that speaks your language. Why? Both of you have a problem with communicating about this subject, and a therapist can help you find the right way to do this. That alone can help your relationship. Secondly, you can't manage your own coping strategy choices. If you could, you would have chosen better. You have to face up to what you're running from, and you might need support with doing that.
Awwww Jonathan’s blush🥰
Thank you guys for being so open & honest with something so personal. It’s actually so helpful to see that therapists are human & have struggles too. Love your channel ❤️
Its comforting to see my favorite therapists on this platform showing that they too have struggles or have overcome hardships in life.
It gives a renewed energy to fight on and keep at it :)
I found this video by pure accident and I'm not really given to this type of commentary but I really wanted to thank you two for this video. I don't have this problem but I've dealt with people who do and because of their attitude and approach to the subject I've become extremely judgemental of it. This was the first time I've seen a person genuinely and humbly taking accaountability, recognizing the harm it causes and maturely addressing it. It's touching to see how much respect your wife has for you, because of the way you dealt with it, to the point she's actually secure enough to expose it to the public. This if where the people I've dealt with never understood, that the way they dealt with their faults was much more of a problem than the fault itself. It's somewhat sad for me to realize today that I wouldn't have become so judgemental and insecure if they had at least taken a moment to consider developing half the morals this man has. I feel only respect and admiration for you. This might sound exagerated, but it's indeed a touchy subject for me. My honest gratitude.
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment.
The fact that you made a video and made yourself SO vulnerable for the sake of helping others is astounding. I really appreciate your openness.
If your spouse is struggling with cheating on you they don’t love you. If they did they would not WANT to cheat. Period, end of story. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t love you enough to be decent person and honor you. Best to just avoid those so depraved that they choose to look at little girls being abused.
For years I thought I was addicted to porn and then I was able to change my perspective and become free from the shame I felt from my "addiction". In reality I was not actually addicted, but I was in an aggressive shame cycle linked to my pornography habit. Once I was free from the shame it was easy to not consume porn compulsively. Breaking free of that shame also allowed me too actually examine the other reasons I was compelled to consume pornography and begin to treat those root challenges in my life and marriage as opposed to hyper focusing on the symptom of porn and ignore those larger issues.
This is so important. I was told, by another therapist, that ANY compulsive behavior used for coping came from root problems and that the behavior was covering up those problems. This can be self-mutilation, porn use, anorexia, bulimia, entering into cycles of toxic or abusive relationships, overeating, oversleeping, etc. It's learning how we can "healthily cope" as Jono and his wife said. The healthy coping mechanism will help break the bad habit of the unhealthy one, help rewire the brain to be happier, and more positive, and address the root causes (hopefully) at the same time ... if not side-by-side with other strategies to address those root issues. Thx for sharing!
so proud of people like you, that open up about their struggles, especially about the topics that society puts so much shame on. ❤️❤️
This is the first video I’ve seen about porn addiction that didn’t make me feel worse afterwards. Thank you so much for sharing both of your experiences.
This was hard to watch and probably even harder to discuss publicly. Thank you both for your honesty.
Its only hard to talk about when the shame is there. I had this talk with my ex gf and it honestly was so helpful to get me to stop viewing pornography as a crutch. These are conversations that are difficult to begin but they flow once both parties are understanding the real problem and not just shifting blame.
This was beautifully vulnerable. Thank you for your transparency.
thank you for being vulnerable. Having my parents' marriage fall apart on this issue gives me a lot of fear for when porn might come up in the future. This video gives me a lot of hope, thank you for sharing.
This is both very brave on both of their parts and very helpful for me. I'm asexual; I don't experience sexual attraction and I've never bothered to watch porn. However, being an Ace person, it's possible that I won't have an Ace partner. I'm often concerned that any non-Ace partner will search for what they need outside of the relationship. This video reminds me that my Ace-ness does not make me less deserving of love and commitment. Thank you!
😭💕
Hi!
So, I’ve been seeing many comments from people on the ace spectrum, and your comment got me thinking, I hope you don’t mind me asking
What would your relationship look like if you have no interest in sex and you partner has a high sex drive?
Since you don’t want your partner to have his needs satisfied outside of the relationship, where will he? Will the person just need to abandon his needs?
He= she/nb/partner
@@mermaidmaterial5735 Being asexual doesn't always mean that you hate sex. Some do enjoy sex but not actively seeking for it. For me, if my partner doesn't like sex or have low sex drive, I will masturbate since masturbation takes care most of my needs and I'm a simple person. Sex is not important to me so I don't mind masturbating for the rest of my life. What important is the genuine love from my partner. I expect the same thing from my future partner if I happened to not interested in sex one day. However, if sex is important to them, I will gladly let them go and have relationship with others who can satisfy their needs.
Relationship is all about teamwork and commitment. If you're unhappy about your relationship and both of you have tried everything to improve it but nothing work, you should leave and pursue a new one.
Thank you for your vulnerability and clarity on this issue.
Thank you both for being so vulnerable and real about an issue that is so prevalent and so destructive and so NOT talked about because of fear and shame. This is a topic that I hope you will continue to bring up because the problems of porn are here to stay. Thanks again for sharing your story!
Came to this video fresh from the one where Johnathan came out as demi. So inspirational. You guys are helping so many people! Thank you so much!
Oo which channel was that video on?
That thumbnail. Lol. I thought you were joking, but when I realized you weren't, my respect level for you went way up. Not that I didn't respect you before, I did a lot. But the vulnerability you expressed just made me respect you more.
Can’t tell you guys how helpful it was to listen to this be spoken about in such an open and honest way. Thank you.
my god this one of the best things ive seen of this topic...really helped my wife and me
I get that it can be an addiction or compulsion, but it's so weird to have it be a form of infidelity that your spouse helps you through, and has to be understanding of. Like, watching him talk about porn as the other woman... I don't know how that wouldn't be incredibly triggering and awful for a spouse. I could support a partner through substance addiction, but wanting my support to stop cheating on me would be a hard pass. Porn is weird that it's a mix of the two.
The fact that you bring your wife food when you want things to go as well as possible proves how much you understand women lol
I have been binge watching your content from your other channel and here, I just love how open and vulnerable you are! Thank you for your honesty and insight.
Just found out my husband (together about 5 years) has been hiding a serious porn addiction. I’m absolutely devastated but this video helped me just a tad. Thank you all for your transparency and advice!
He was devastated your sex life sucked.
Think about THAT.
Thank you both for your honesty, vulnerability, and courage to speak on such a personal subject. There's no shame in growth! I love the work you both do. 💜
I'd like to know more about what Jonathan meant when he said, "the more I learn about the industry".
Because to flip this whole discussion around to those actors in the porn videos, they are often (especially in the darker ones) victims themselves. They are frequently forced (especially but not solely the women) to participate, through coercion or sexual slavery. There is a world-wide industry that looks for vulnerable people and sucks them into this industry through many means (drug addiction, fear/threats, kidnapping/enslavement).
So when you or someone you know is 'consuming' porn, please be aware you're supporting an industry tainted by sexual slavery. It's not as harmless as you may believe.
I'm a therapist and have a question for how you two navigated the response to damaged trust. I find that many of my clients who experience damaged trust through situations like pornography use tend to respond by increasing the need for control - whether that's tracking apps, checking phones, location services, etc. Was this an issue in your process? Even if it wasn't, how do you help the betrayed partner begin to relinquish control in order to return to a state of trust and security? I tend to present the concept of displaying trustworthiness (consistent honesty, words and actions aligning, etc.) on the part of the betrayer and the intentional choice to take the risk to trust again - despite insecurities - on the part of the betrayed partner, but I would love any additional tools/suggestions you might have.
I don't know if you two realized how helpful your videoes and insight are. I love the TH-cam Chanel Cinematic Therapy and I love this one
Best therapy company ever. I salute the Mending Light and everything your staff do.
Thank you so much!
There is a big difference between being against others watching porn because purity/sex negative culture and stopping yourself from watching porn because these harmful issues within the industry that occur not 100% but far too often, because it is negatively affects your ability to deal with your daily reasonability's, etc.
Translation-"My anti-sex feminist bias is better than their anti-sex Christian bias". If you don't watch porn because some women involved have been abused by their partners, you also shouldn't listen to R&B (especially Tina's "river deep mountain high" ...) or even order food at a restaurant or interact with society at ALL. Women who are being abused or have histories of abuse exist in many places, do many things, engage in many jobs, and make many CHOICES, some of which make sense to you and some that don't. The only reason why you've decided that makes the whole industry bad and unacceptable because some women have been abused is because you already consider it bad and ... blame it in some way. One thing I find with sex-negative feminists, they never seem to notice that they are sex negative. They like sex and think it should be allowed ... in certain ... limited ways. And they think people should only have sex in certain ways and start sex-shaming, slut-shaming, kink-shaming, shaming sex-worker, in dismissing the choices of people who step outside their limits ... AND THEY DON'T NOTICE THEY ARE DOING IT. They doesn't see their biases or logically flaws and just assume their correctness and righteousness ... because they're a feminist! Years ago, at university, I was once forced into taking part in an debate on porn in my feminist group because they wanted to have one and NO ONE WOULD TAKE THE PORN SHOULDN'T BE BANNED, (apparently there were NO sex-positive feminists in the WHOLE group ... should have been a warning flag), I'd been neutral on the position which is why I ended up taking the pro-porn side in the debate they were posting on their forum. Over the discussion and my research I begin to find their arguments ... disturbing. It did have some benefits, I discovered sex-positive feminism ... and quiet the group of morons still living in 1983 following very old and out of date Gloria Steinem quotes.
First of all, I was making a separation between your personal choice and feeling you have a right to say other people are evil because they make different personal choices. Secondly, there could be multiple versions why one doesn't choice to watch porn. Third, by your logic, someone doesn't care about climate change if they, out of necessity, own a car. We have to interact with certain aspects of the world around us out of necessity and people aren't hypocrites for that. It's a argument made by lazy people.
Thank you for talking about this in a non-judgmental way. My parents are divorced because of a porn compulsion. I was newly married when they divorced, so it really hit me hard and now, it’s still hard because my parents cannot stand to even talk to each other, and two of my siblings don’t talk to one of my parents (in support of the other).
This is the most beneficial video I have ever watched on this topic. You delivered with such honesty, grace, and I appreciate how you attacked it in a clinical way, as well as from a more emotional perspective. I have so much respect for you both.♥️
This is such a beautiful and vulnerable conversation. It was so brave of you to have this on camera for the benefit of others. Thank you.
Thank you for this video. Once I hit my 30 I started watching as a way to make myself feel bad cause of my insecurities and my low self worth. I feel it's wrong to watch it cause it's not right to see a woman that way. For 5 years I haven't watched them cause I got married and I feel my worth is better than what I thought.
Alicia's strength and dignity are so obvious here.
I'm paused at 6:37, where you said talking about this on camera is not your favourite thing you've ever done.
I just wanted to say thanks. I've been doing a lot of self analysis about some risky online porn adjacent behaviours that I can't seem to kick...that really mess with my ptsd and are some form of self sabotage that I seem to be repeating. I'm working through to find the 'why'. So, thank you for being brave about your story and sharing it.
Aww, this is so sweet and genuine. Me and my spouse discussed whether either of us were okay with the other watching porn(or hentai). As military, I was going to be away for a long time and my stance was whether it would help when we were apart. Turns out neither of us needed anything like that, but I think it was an important thing to discuss because then we don't feel like we need to hide anything out of shame. It's tough to be apart for so long so sharing in some kind of coping does help. We talked often instead and played games together online when possible.
This was such an interesting perspective and kudos to both of you for being so open about a tricky topic to discuss. As a queer person who has consumed porn, still sometimes does, but mostly have focused on changing where i access porn from and try to do so in a more ethical way these days. Porn was a really useful outlet where I could explore my sexuality safely during a time I was having a crisis of identity and grapling with my gender identity to boot.
So for me porn isnt inherently bad but can be a problem, and can be problematic in its production, images it creates and harmful stereotypes it depicts.
The time porn really becomes a problem is when it is used by many (through no fault of their own) as a replacement to quality (LGBTQIA inclusive) sex education.
Anywho great vid guys :)
Thank you so much! Agreed, portraying sex and sexuality is not the problem, it's the HOW.
😭 You are the people I do not mind for suddenly cutting the onions, because it's so safe!
When I thought I couldn't possibly love you more, I just ended up doing exactly that.
This was visibly not easy. But precious beyond words. Please don't be scared (as pointless at that is to say). If anyone is not lovely and tries to bully you for your vulnerability in the comments now or in future, all you need is call (tag). I shall roll up my sleeves and sit them down for a through chat on how "hurt people, hurt people" applies to them as a consequence to the behaviour they chose to display. 😌We'll see if they can dig it up with help and mend so they wouldn't have to be mean again.
You two sure are quite something. If I wasn't all the way across the big puddle, I'd come in and give you a set of "consent only" prrotective hugs. You are very very very strong. Please rest often. We need you well-coping and thriving.
That's the key!!
Being honest about the feelings when the "urge comes' and how to work through it together defeats secrecy.
The Golden rule Is always: talk about it! I don't like whatching porn, but my boyfriend does. Honestly, It doesn't bother me that he does.I know it's just a visual stimulus to help him when we're not toghether to him, but he recently told me he wants to stop whatching It cause to him it feels wrong in my respects. I don't want him to feel bad of he slips up or to give up something that helps him feel good (he has a healthy relationship with it)So, a couple of times, we whatched It toghether. The kind (honestly not so common) that we both like, with a couple being really sweet and goofy while passionate, very similar to us. And that's actually been fun, it turned out to be an experience of bonding and experimenting with intimacy.
Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable about this. There are many good people who are struggling with addiction and they just need people to love them and support them and give them hope.
glad to hear people talking about this openly
Thank you for this video. Thank you both for your vulnerability. I know it was difficult to do and post, but this video is helping and going to help countless people. It helped me see my husband as a hurting person, not a bad person.
Jonathan, the more I watch your videos the more I find you beautiful from inside out and to outside in. You are such a strong human being! Plus that you have faith must be such a hard thing to go through. I am so inspired by you as a couple. Shame is the worst. And the way Alicia stand her ground but still is gentle and worm and such a lovely role model! Blessings ALL over you
I'm curious to hear your thoughts on the ethical porn movement. With the intent to show authentic pleasure, respect for the needs and boundaries of the performers, consent is paramount, and a focus on being inclusive (showing different body types, sexual orientation), do you feel this form of sexual expression is healthier? I find American culture to be wrapped up in a lot of judgement and shame when it comes to sex / sexuality, but this movement is helpful in breaking down those barriers, while aiding in teaching people what healthy, consensual sex can look like.
It will not work, for males more because of the biological difference in looking for reproducing... it works on the reward part of the brain, dopamine. This means that like with all these types of drugs it will need higher doses and more frequent. With porn it means more extreme for same result of arousal. This is why consumed more then rarely will not work for most people.
@@SaarLeestMee i dont think this is true. My husband and i both watch porn ones or twice a week, and its not something either of us has a problem with. We dont need more hardcore porn to get the same pleasure. I only watch ethical porn, because i dont want to support human trafficing and r*pe. Some people became addicted to it others dont.
P.o.r. n has been shown on brain scans, even "ethical P.o.r. n," to cause men to view woman as objects and not as human beings.
What a beautiful couple! May God bless you all.
My husband went through what Johnathan went through and opened up and cried and cried and said Thank you for not judging him. I was mad at first but then I realized he is human and this stimulated from him experiencing this as a child.
Something I disagree with is the idea that: "If it's a problem for me it has to be a problem for you"
If it's a problem for one person, you need to have a discussion about it, yes. But it's not necessary the other person who needs to change.
15:11 This. 100% this. For anyone in a *related* situation and struggling to even consider what a "Male" being honest about his feelings looks like: this. Just this. If it's your first time here: please watch the whole video!
In a more serious note: the adverts running in the midst of this content (and acting as a masthead) for me, right now, are for a fashion brand called "Oh Polly"; that *very much IMHO* are showing thematically inappropriate content...
I applaud you both for giving a positive example for how to approach this subject as a team. As a woman who has struggled with how to approach this with my partners in the past, I am impressed and inspired by Alicia’s attitude. She is supportive and kind, giving Jonathan the space to be open with her. She doesn’t let insecurities and hurt get the best of her. That is something that we need more examples of as women. Great job to both of you! And also it’s a good reminder to me as a woman that it has nothing to do with the beauty of the spouse, because Alicia is clearly gorgeous.
This is probably never gonna be a top comment for this video but watching Jonathan be a dork in the outros is the best part of my day 😁 makes me smile every time
Shame is such a cul de sac for growth; it teaches us nothing, keeps us alone with our problems and stops us feeling like we are worthy of love. Thank you, both of you, for your honesty, because you show us that we don't need to be afraid of that honesty. I will both of you a very long life of growth and happiness together.
I love that y’all are so open. I can listen to a therapist talk about this or I can listen to someone who’s struggled with it but to have someone who has both backgrounds is so much more educational!
Thank y’all for what you do!
Thank you for sharing your story. Being vulnerable on camera must have not been easy but I think it is important for people to see that side. I'm also struggling with porn addiction and I'm trying to overcome it. If or when I succeed to reach that point in my life in my future this video has played a significant role in my self-healing journey. It helps a lot that it comes from Jonathan that i didn't know has been through a similar experience and who I have come to respect very much as a person and a professional. You are inspirational!!!
I love that people are understanding that porn is a coping mechanism!
Removing the shame is such important step for addressing the depends on the addition.
How can I deal with insecurities and past traumas surrounding infidelity and porn addictions my partners in previous relationships had? My current partner is literally the ONLY man I've ever been with who shares my values on porn and fidelity, yet I find myself almost "causing" problems because of the things I've been through in the past...I have C-PTSD (or OSDD-1a, still not disagnosed) and so often I find that my responses to anything surrounding porn/other women send me into full-on flight/freeze response. It is so exhausting, I'm 31 now and I just want to be happy and know what it feels like to trust that I am enough for someone...
I'm sorry for leaving word walls here, I just struggle to find adequate help where I live...there isn't much as far as trauma resources go, especially for people who have experienced the level of trauma I have...I feel alone, and sometimes hopeless, so just knowing I can overcome this is enough to keep me going. Thank you guys again 💖
I would recommend communication in the model of “when you do” blank “I feel blank.” Talk it out, don’t try to hide your feelings or wait until it’s overwhelming to talk about it. Recognize that it’s a process of rewiring your nervous system and it’s going to take time. Look at your triggers, trace their origin, and work through that trauma-preferably with a qualified professional. And keep up on whatever helps your mental health-exercise, yoga, relaxation, journaling, nature walks, etc. Hope something in there helps.
I feel you. Although I have resources available I never got myself to go to them. Instead I looked for random people to talk to online thinking "they don't know me so they can't hurt me" but I ended up with a stalker for a time (extra trauma I didn't need).
It's so important to find the right help.
Hope you'll find it
You’re not alone! I am the same way and it’s a huge struggle in relationships. It will get better over time with a lot of hard work and uncomfortable feelings. 💕 but it takes a long time and we are in this together
This was so sweet and honest and authentic. I'm a subscriber!
Welcome!
Thank you for your openness and sharing such a difficult truth and experience with us Jonathan, we love you so much. I keep saying I should stop watching it and then going back into it, usually worse than before. I'm gonna watch your other video on overcoming porn addiction and try to start moving past this and healing myself too
Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable! This problem I fear has ended my marriage my partner doesn't want to try and as it stands will be filing for divorce in August (1st anniversary) I'm so ashamed and hate how much I've hurt her and want to take steps with therapy and 12 step to work on myself. I really don't want to lose her and I wish I could help her see its not about her and how it's described her.
I tried to do exactly whay she did for him after I founded out what he was coping with. Seeing you like this made me cry. So much love and honnesty. Thank you for sharing.
I think the two needs to be at the same page and have the same values to be able to move on from that kind of "conflict"... Because, to take my previous relationship, my (ex)boyfriend continued and continued his distroying behaviours (which were more than "just" watching porn) and lied to me about wanting it to stop. Well... I still don't know if he was actually lying or juste enable to stop. He didn't seek for my help even when my hands were wide open. It took me 2 more years and several new discoveries to finally put an end to it... Because it was destroying me (us...) and it became impossible to think I wasn't at least a bit responsable for his own addictions. While we were fighting at the end, he said he was doing it when I was a ball-breaker... Apparently I was a bitch even after we've met like few days ago... It is still hard because I was really in love with that man and I really wanted to be the rock he needed to improve. But you both need to... And he didn't want it.
I'm so sorry. You've got a handle on this concept, but I just want to say it: his behavior was not your fault.
I've been struggling with porn for my whole life, this is one of the best videos I've ever seen. Everything in this aligns with the program I'm in to stop this. I'm exactly where this guy is at. I don't want this in my marriage and I don't want this as a part of who I am.
I cried 😢😢 alot in this video and how seeked helping him not punishing him 🥺🥺.
I really identified with using porn (or masturbation, generally) as a coping mechanism. Mostly as a form of stress relief or self soothing. I hadn't really considered it from that lense before, so thank you for being vulnerable John.
Also, when you guys did your outro and left of with a slightly paused "And", I couldn't help but think "Watch movies" :)
I really appreciate you both sharing something so personal and vulnerable to your audience 💖 It has been very eye-opening to hear your experience, and hearing about a human struggle and challenge that even very good and respectful people go through just like anybody else, because we are all human. While this isn't an issue I've personally encountered in my life as of yet, it's an issue I have thought about before and I feel like I've gained more understanding on how to approach should it become an issue for myself or a future partner. Thank you very much for this 💖
I really do appreciate how vulnerable you both are here, and your takes on this issue are a lot healthier than some I've seen. However, I'm really disappointed that there is no mention of betrayal trauma in this video. I believe that whenever people talk about porn use in the context of a romantic relationship, they should definitely talk about betrayal trauma, which may impact the betrayed partner, and what that looks like.
Also, I think when you mention how shame is so detrimental to stopping a porn habit, you should mention that there's a difference between shame and guilt, and that some initial guilt can help you stop the behavior. Guilt says "I did a bad thing." Shame says "I'm a bad thing."
Johnathan said that when he looked into the porn industry and saw very negative things, in a way it helped him to be able to say no. I think that could be true for a lot of people, so mentioning some concrete ways that the porn industry hurts real people (coercion, rape, links to sex trafficking), not just users, is a must for this type of discussion.
My gosh I love you too! Jonathan your vulnerability and openness is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your lives and experiences with us.
DearAlice and Jonathan, thank you for these videos, for your honesty and your willingness to share so much of your life with strangers. That has got to be scary. I want to thank you because even though my values differ greatly from yours most of the time because I am an Atheist and from a very different culture, yet I find the way you navigate relationships helpful to me and my most important relationships. So thank you for making me see that I need to try harder to connect with the people I love. Thank you for reminding me that it's ok not to be ok and that it's always hard to change behaviours at times and that it's ok to fail sometimes as long as I am trying to be the best person I can be. Thank you. Thank you. Honestly and sincerely thank you.
Thank you for sharing this, so open and honest, I'll be sharing this with my man.
Thank you so much for making this video. My husband and I are also LDS, going through this situation… thank you for sharing and making this video 🥹 literally crying right now to finally see a hopeful perspective that we can relate to
This is amazing as pointed in many comments. Thank you. The one thing I would ad for others is that one person in that interview does not want to talk about the benefits of porn. To have the peace to see good things that porn brings is the key to deal with it because it allows you to seek those good things or better somewhere else.
Compulsive behaviour needs to be accepted like at the end - to bring self relief. And the relief ends compulsion because you have less to cope with. So to relief harm - it is the easiest way: to see the benefit of the coping mechanism and brainstorm and seek those benefits in more healthy behaviours 💚
If we see coping mechanisms as bad, we see the most unconscious parts of ourselves as bad while they proceed with what once was the best option to keep healthy or even alive.
The good things, the meeds met can be changed on the copulsive side only with acceptance. Biologically you get access to modes of operation and psychologically you get in touch with them to be with yourself and live through a new way.
Well said. The compulsion is a symptom of the real problem of unhappiness.
I link to this convo all the time when it comes to counselling people online about pornography and moving past it, and how for how SO's or Spouse's can participate in breaking the cycle of shame that sometimes roots the behavior. SUPER BRAVE, on both your parts to be open about this and air it. A really great example of living your values.
This happened to us, we’ve been together 16 years. It happened around about when we became parents. It was devastating to deal with but we got through. It’s definitely a destructive force in relationships.
Thank you so much Jono, this is so helpful and your vulnerability and openness is everything
My current partner has zero interest in porn or other women, but every relationship I've been in in the past, my partner has cheated (in the form of porn, talking to people online, etc)...this really helped me with identifying a lot of the residual pain I still struggle with that causes problems within my current relationship, and it helped me to also find compassion for the people I was with in the past who struggled with this addiction. Thank you guys for all you do for the mental health community 💖
how the heck do you FIND someone these days who doesn't use porn? I've stopped dating entirely because it's a disrespectful hellscape today.
@@ForrestMystic There are a few men but it's very rare. Like an angel between a group of devils. But those angels are mostly already taken. Every woman wants to find such an angel but it's difficult especially these days.
My last relationship (my 4th one) ended mainly because of this as well. He was extremely addicted and admitted to being addicted but still didn't want to give it up and he and his friends just thought I was crazy for not wanting my boyfriend to consume porn. He also cheated on me by chatting with other girls and paying for their nudes.
In the relationship before that (my 3rd relationship), the guy also had a problem with porn, he was absolutely obsessed with this one milf he used to watch.
In the relationship before that (my 2nd relationship), the guy secretly already had a girlfriend and cheated on both of us.
And in my very first relationship, the guy started chatting with other girls and then broke up with me.
All of this I found out by snooping too, none of them were honest to my face. I hate that this is an issue that comes up like all the time. Also hoping to find a guy who doesn't do any of these things but I am feeling less hopeful that there are any left day by day.
"my partner has zero interest in other women. "
you are delusional, sorry. just projecting your own feelings.
Thank you soo much about being so open and upfront about this! Thanks also for pointing out how people are exploited in the porn industry. I think many more people who think of porn as harmless entertainment need to know about this! And it's hurting men too, not only women. I once saw an interview with a TV celebrity, a not very bright, handsome, muscular young man who's had a troubled childhood and dropped out of school. He's been drawn into the gay porn industry in his late teens, where he went from half-naked photos to fully naked to hard-core porn. He left after a year or two, but in the interview, his rage and humiliation when thinking of this time of his life was very palpable.
Came here for the thumbnail, almost cried.
Thank you very much for the guts and candour to do this.
We need more voices like this
I wish there were more comments right now, it is so lonely down here right now
Call it "cozy" for not and we will fill this place ourselves. Frankly, I'd rather watch growth and busy commenting that is caring and helpful and comes in slowly, than the masses of very disregarding comments I stumble over in most other places (ASMR vids are the other places that tend to be filled with regard, like this place here!) :D
Have hugs if you like some! I'm sorry they're virtual.
This is one of the first times I do not entirely agree with Decker. "Porn isn't about sex" It is for a lot of us. It CAN be coping, yes, of course. But it might just as easily be fantasy, help to focus (for people with ADHD), curiosity, inspiration, or plain old stimuli. Just as your fantasy and your thoughts can be.
I DO agree that you have to agree as a couple if it is okay, but there is no specific reason why one or the other is okay. There is no reason that the one who does not like porn should have the upper hand.
Porn does not have to stand against or as an opposite to feminism or healthy relationships, it depends on the porn and there is so much different out there. Also good porn with healthy backgrounds.
I strongly agree that porn without education results in bad sex ideals, but if you have proper sexED and a healthy relationship, there is nothing to say you cannot enjoy porn together. I know of several partnerships where porn is celebrated as a personal interest, where one can share ones fantasies without having to indulge in them, where one can share what one likes and can find release for fetishes or kinks that the partner does not share. It's a safe space of sexual exploration that should be celebrated as such.
I respect that it can be damaging to some people if they do not understand what porn is for or if they are insecure about what their worth is compared to that, or if it triggers them. But I also want to stress that it can also improve upon a relationship, be a common experience, and a safe space to discuss personal preferences and ideas for future play.
Maybe it is a cultural difference. I am Danish and culturally it is not so much a taboo as it is in the states.
Porn is not bad or good. Like all things its a matter of how you use it.
I felt like their take on porn came from a place of very limited experience and very christian values. I think when it comes to porn it's better to watch the content of actual sex educaters. You might enjoy the TH-cam channel what's the safeword. It's very fun AND very educational.
Have you read the Bible.
Agreed. Not everything is black and white with porn inside a relationship. Having a healthy relationship with porn allows for self exploration of likes and fantasies that are unique to individuals, and that you can decide as a couple to share or not to share. Having clear sexual communication with a partner allows for agreements on what is game and what isn't inside and outside the bedroom. Allowing a partner to fulfill certain kinks or desires in their own space that aren't of interest to the other person is another great way of keeping communication and boundaries within a relationship.
@@theq8688 Yeah, religion definitely influences their view on it.
Wow you are a really inspiration,thank you for being so truthful this is very helpful also I love you both, thank you again ❤🎉😊
you two are just beautiful inside out, thank you very much for sharing this , you would have no idea how much this helped me
Our pleasure!