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@@JakeMazurski you don't have to monitor it 24/7 from day 1. Start with 5, or even 1, minute of intentional monitoring (i.e. meditation) per day and increase your load gradually. Exactly what you would do if you're getting into any kind of exercise.
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This also explains why journaling is so powerful. Because essentially journaling is all about feeling your feelings and paying attention to the internal conflict. I always feel better and more in control after journaling and this explains why.
I encourage people to journal “even if you have to throw it away or shred or burn it after” because it’s all about being present with yourself. Dr K is just so much better at the deeper explanations than I ever seem to be.
What really journaling is about? Is it writing your own thoughts? If that's the case, there's a video on it made by Tomaz Filming, it's called you already have your own answers. Is it nothing but writing literally all your mind in that moment of self awareness?
I had cycles of making and breaking good and bad habits, respectively. I see now why it is mostly sundays and holidays where I got my shit together because THAT is when I sat down and wrote what is bothering me, writing it like a dialogue with myself. Thanks for this reminder, I’ll make journaling my priority!
The 'just do it' explanation was amazing and almost brought me to tears. My parents used to smoke since their 20s. From as young as I can remember, I was always fighting with them ( I was swearing, crying, breaking their cigarettes or throwing them on the trash can) and I remember I used to feel completely ignored and invalidated. I used to feel like a fool. One day they just stopped doing it. Nothing particularly happened. They just never touched a cigarette again. Even when I was in the icu in the hospital, it crossed their minds, but they didn't smoke. Now I realize, what I was doing all these years is forcing them the internal conflict they were never brave enough to face. And, suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, at 11/1/2018, after 30 years of smoking, my mom calmly said "I'm quiting smoking right now". She didn't have any past 'attempts' to quit it. It was like it clicked in her mind, everything made sense out of 'nowhere'. It was literally nobody: my mom: After some months the same happened with my father. I remember asking (teasing) him how come he ended up quiting after 10 persistent years of me pressuring him. I remember, he couldn't explain the reasons, it just didn't make sense for him to smoke anymore. He used to take the 'idk' facial expression when trying to explain it. Over the years, they were becoming more and more aware of the internal conflict that was existing inside their minds, and because of that awareness, it got resolved. This was my parent's 'just do it' story.
This video is very confusing and complicated, can you explain with an example what exactly I have to gain self control for example over pornography and exercise ?
@mihirshinde1706 self control is not an inherent property and doesn't exist as we typically think of it. What we think of as self-control is simply an aspect of being aware of the conflict you're having. A conflict in this case can mean any decision, like whether or not to satisfy a pornography urge In the instance of pornography, say you find yourself having an urge to use. If you try and push the urge away and not think about it, THEN YOU ARE LOSING. That removes your awareness from the conflict, from the decision, and you become unable to control the decision. Instead, every time you feel an urge, you must become aware of the decision being made, or else the decision will be made without your control. So, how do you increase awareness of the decision? First, acknowledge the urge is there, that you want to do it. Then acknowledge you also do not want to do it. You now have a conflict. Now, become aware of both sides of the argument. What are the pros and cons? List all the pros you can think of for watching porn. It'll feel good in the moment, it'll get your mind of something unpleasant, whatever. Just list them. Next, list the cons of consuming. Maybe it'll make you feel bad afterwards because you gave in. Maybe it will take time away that you could be doing something more valuable. Maybe it'd be hurtful to someone you love. Maybe it goes against your personal goals to quit pornography. Etc. Just list them. Then do the same for exercising, list all the pros and cons. After you're done, continue being aware of the conflict. In a case like this you will find the answer to be obvious. Once you are fully aware of the conflict, you will be able to control your decision. I don't struggle with your issue, but this format has helped me exhibit self control in my life, and writing this served as a good exercise to solidify it with the insight brought by this video, so thank you for the opportunity 😄
@@mihirshinde1706not necessarily. The next time you get the urge, you just begin again-become aware of the conflict in your mind and hold on to that conflict as long as you can by doing things like listing the pros and cons. Don’t be stopped because you don’t have a pen and paper or whatever either, writing it down may be helpful, but it’s not the most important part. The most important thing is to stay consciously aware of the conflict, you can list the pros and cons in your mind if that’s easier/more accessible. It really is as straightforward as it sounds, the hard part is that the piece of you that wants to watch porn or doesn’t want to exercise or whatever *wants you to let go of the conflict* because that’s how it wins. That’s what you’re fighting, and all you need to do is outlast it enough to win yourself over. Put another (corny) way: Captain America wins not because he’s super strong, but because he “can do this all day.” He doesn’t stop fighting for his values, and in doing so he wears down his opponents. Finally, do not consider yourself a failure for losing to an urge. Consider every extra moment you fight it to be a win. Sorry I’m so long winded, but I hope this helped. You’ve got this 😎
With ADHD it’s not a battle, it’s a full blown war every secound of the day. Before medication the only way I was able to do anything at all was in a state of fear, anxiety and adrenaline.
Also what has helped me was getting out of the Echo Chambers that would promote any learned victimhood, and "one-upping" others on how bad my ADHD was over theirs. I had to shut down what I thought were well meaning communities, when they actually were exacerbating the problems. I shut down validation seeking externally on how "bad" my ADHD was, and internalized more my awareness like this video described.
I think one of the biggest reasons many try to trauma/symptom share with the objective of one-upping may stem from the fact that many with ADHD have only ever known alienation and lack of understanding from others through their lives. I still hide it myself, because people really just don't 'get' ADHD is a seriously miserable disorder. When you join an ADHD community, you are almost prone to need to "Validate" yourself, because as far as your concerned, the acceptance and understanding can be a bigger priority than trying to additionally empathize and absorb the hell of somebody elses symptoms. We are already up to the neck in symptoms, the Music is blasting, and it can be unberable to listen to everyone else's all at once. @@Learned333
@@Learned333 very good. It's nice to feel validated when maybe you're surrounded by people who don't take your troubles seriously, but unfortunately a lot of the mental health communities are toxic as hell, and don't help us as much as we'd like to think they can.
what he is saying is : observe all kinds of thoughts. example: when you want to study, there is thought on your mind "i need to study for exams". observe this thought. then there is an impulse thought follows this: " i don't need to study now. i can study later". observe this thought too. observe this train of thoughts. if you do this, you automatically comes in the path of doing what's needed. because there is no resistance.
My thought process would be "Is the exam THAT important? If yes, study now and get it done. If it's not, then I'll just do it later" So the result really depends on whether I think the exam is important or not. Or even more extremely lazy version of mine is "Would I die if I fail this exam?" If yes, study. If no, fxxk it. Play video game for 5 hours straight. Idk what's wrong with my brain. It just keep prioritizing useless fun
I'm afraid that the doctor as well as You are oversimplifying the very harsh reality. Whether someone is good at self control or not, as well as other psychological traits, is mainly determined by genes and upbringing (a.k.a. nature and nurture). It's possible to fix smaller errors in the upbringing process, but it's impossible to change terrible errors in upbringing (e.g. a parent with a serious addiction), or bad genetics. To give more concrete example: it's easy to have at home almost any modern cat or dog, it can be very hard to have an abused stray cat, it's virtually impossible to have at home a Pallas cat or wolf (pretty different, "wild" genetics). If just "observe your thoughts" worked for you, then congratulations, you had a minor upbringing problem. There are many people that can't obtain happiness, no matter what they did, no matter how good doctors they would have. It's (unfortunately) another example of Darwinism in action. Problems of parents (genetical or social) are inherited by their children 😞
@@iirekm it can’t be oversimplified because what they are saying is pure fact. People have different upbringings and struggles etc. but at the end of the day healing all boils down to self awareness, some people just have a longer journey. Like the doctor said, he’s an addict psychiatrist (about as low as a person can get) and this is essentially how addicts get over their addiction.
Self control is about managing impulses. The best way to manage impulses is to monitor them long enough to ride them out, which means you do nothing while the impulse persists (you don't act on impulse). Once the impulse switches to something else that you are fine with, you can stop monitoring (and it will switch, that's how impulses work, they generally switch randomly).
Agree. Except it's not random. You can reprogram and redirect yourself toward healthier behaviors. For example, if you tell yourself enough times "I like salad," focus on eating salads, start to really enjoy eating salads, eventually you will likely eat a salad instead of a pizza without thinking much about it simply because you've turned your attention toward this behavior. Ultimately, we are the masters of our own behaviors. 💛
@@oo8962 Depends on the mind. Some minds are much stronger than others. Will power is increased through exercise and practice; some people are very intentional about their life and thus will have more power over it as compared to people who just live by the seat of their pants.
I went from 300lbs to 170lbs in the span of a little over 1 year. Self control was the key and what Dr K said in this video summarizes my experience. I was addicted to food, and one day, I woke up sober. I no longer wanted to be this person and I wanted control over my life.
So how much time did it take you to internalize your conflict awareness - like meditation, journaling, thinking, etc. - and how sporadic or consistent did you get?
Constantly being aware of every internal conflict is EXHAUSTING. What would help is being able to reduce the amount of conflict going on so you don't have to focus on a dozen different arguments in your head just to make individual choices. If this is something you could help with a video on that would be awesome!
You’re right it’s very exhausting so I’d suggest focusing on one problem at a time. For example, if you struggle to brush 2x a day focus on being aware of the internal conflict of brushing. Do this consistently and you’ll come to the realisation that you’ve naturally formed a habit of brushing 2x a day, now you don’t need to mentally drain yourself constantly because you brush out of habit without even thinking about being aware of the internal conflict. Deal with your other problems the same way, one by one. I hope this helps.
Exactly! I‘ve bern paralized for over a month, essetially not doing anything because I‘m analyzing, meta-analyzing, meta-meta-analyzing and so on my inner self
dont focus on dozen different arguments at once. also, it shouldn't be exhausting, you are doing it wrong. you are just supposed to sit and watch as the conflict brews between 2 sides, you dont need to participate in it or heckle one side while encouraging the other, no you just relax and watch and focus on a single conflict. and the negative/bad urge will be gone in a minute. you dont even need to observe closely, keep a distance from the conflicting emotions
Maybe rethink what being aware means to you. If he's speaking of awareness, then just be aware of the feelings and sensations as much as possible when they arise. Try to use every subsequent thought as more of a gateway into deeper feelings and thoughts instead of finding meaning in the words themselves. Awareness is so simple, looking for meaning in the form of words that makes it hard. Observe EVERYTHING even the resistance of wanting more meaning in the observation.
This explanation tracks perfectly with my experiences: A year ago, I was in a deep depression. I knew I was depressed, I knew what to do to fix it (get out of bed and start doing things) and yet I couldn't do it. Eventually I went to therapy, managed to become "normal" again, overcome the depression and suddenly these days self control feels relatively easy. I was still afraid though, because I hadn't understood the process that makes me now able to be in control, yet made it impossible back then, so what's to stop me from waking up tomorrow and being back where I started? Therapy for me was essentially forced introspection with the help of a therapist to guide me along, so it tracks this model of self control perfectly. In that process I managed to overcome these issues and thus what used to be taken up in terms of mental bandwidth is now available again. In retrospect I can see that my "capacity for self control" was taken up by avoiding some negative facts in my life, as well as depersonalizing and derealizing to avoid negative emotions, when back then I didn't even notice I did these things. On a unrelated note: I'd really appreciate it if we could get links to the relevant research/papers in the description somewhere. I think this video format is much better for the average viewer in terms of digestability, but giving those who want to the ability to read up more on the topic would be amazing. On top of that, it gives viewers the ability to cite the sources to people they talk with about these ideas (or their therapists). I get that it's a big ask as that means additional work to collect and post the research, but I for one would be very thankful.
I put the phone number of the therapist i wanted to get in contact with as my background wallpaper in the phone and also put her online website as the first page to open when i were to open Chrome, and after a month/month and a half i finally found the courage and strenght to call her. It's tough😅@@TehBrokenToken
@@TehBrokenToken Apologies for the late response, for some reason I didn't get any notification or anything. There were three main reasons that managed to get me to go: 1. I had kept all my struggles to myself, mostly due to a tendency to retreat into myself rather than reach out for help. Something happened that forced me to "come clean" and tell my family. I was (and am) blessed to have parents who tried their best to understand (even if they didn't always manage to understand fully) and who were supportive. They were the main reason I managed to get a therapist, because getting one took some effort and I would have given up on myself multiple times during that process. However they were supportive and tried to help where they could (sometimes with simple things like remind me to look each day). 2. There's a system in my country (Germany) that guarantees an initial talk to a therapist within 2 weeks for diagnosis. I managed to find my therapist that way within a week and a week after the diagnosis I got a call from them that one of their patients had finished therapy and they had gotten a free time slot Mondays. I got really lucky there. 3. The first therapist I visited was an absolute jackpot. I had done some research and chose CBT as the focus I wanted, which was a great choice in retrospect. My therapist was willing to challenge my narratives about myself, but also ultimately respected my opinion, so she perfectly met that balance of giving me hard questions without ever seeming antagonistic. Add to that that I quickly got the impression that she was smart and capable and I was starting to gain some trust in the process and a small amount of hope that maybe this could actually work. I definitely got lucky, but even then some days I couldn't actually motivate myself to go to appointments. She had offered that on those days I could write an e-mail and we could do the session online. I tried my best to appear in person, but some days I just couldn't, so online was a great substitute until I started getting better and managed to appear regularly.
Believe me when I say that I understand how easy it is to give up on the process, or how easy it is to fall into dumb thoughts like "Why brother" " This won't work anyways" "Do I even deserve to get therapy" etc. It's really unfortunate that the moment you are most likely to give up on yourself, or have doubts, or fail to put in the effort is also the moment it is the most important to do. All I can offer as encouragement is my experiences: I had depression for years, originally I ignored some signs, then it got progressively worse until I was in about as bad a place as you can be without being actively suicidal (though that would probably have been the eventual destination without help). I was derealized, depersonalized, depressed and basically a husk of a person without self-esteem or hope for the future. Therapy was anything but easy, I had to face a lot of uncomfortable truths and accept (or attempt to fix) mistakes. I can say that I gave therapy my all, and I believe that to be a large part of why my progress has been so fast. I definitely put in work. Then after some initial 1 on 1 therapy I started group therapy as well, which was different, but also helpful. Now, one year later, I have access to my feelings again, I have hope for the future, I regained some self-esteem and I can see a realistic path forward where I manage to live a life I can be proud of living. I regained a lot of old friendships and managed to make some new ones. Do I still have shit days sometimes? Absolutely. Is may even relapse and derealize once in a while when in bed at night, but those moments are getting less and less. A year ago I wouldn't have thought such quick progress was possible. The process isn't "over" and I will probably always have areas I need to work on or be careful with, but in a really macabre way I might emerge from this experience a better person than before. If I could tell myself from before therapy one thing it would be this: Please give therapy a chance. You might not feel worthy of being helped right now, but just give it a chance. And do your best to cooperate, the more you put in the more you get out. You deserve a happier life and there's so much potential in you to give positive things to the people around you and the world. It would be a waste not to. And while that might be what I would say to myself, I'd say the same to you. I am sure you have the potential to be so much more happy and so much more of a positive force in the world and I sincerely hope you manage to realize and experience that.
What I find interesting about your video is that,it looks boring when I look at the title, yet as I click in and start watching it,it feels more and more interesting and makes me want to finish it
I've just finished a great book called "How We Change (And Ten Reasons Why We Don't)" by Ross Ellenhorn. The title is cheezy, but this book is so deep. He explores all the ways we have this internal conflict. But the eleventh reason is, it's really hard without social support. Even the yogis had Sangha!! I feel like this is so important -- when you have social support, we can find comfort in others.
@@cyrobbins2684 @gato_comunista3802 I wish I had a better answer to this question. I have found a lot of support online over the past year, but it's not the same as in-person support, right? Although, it's so much better than nothing. I try to do zoom calls with my online besties every few weeks. We check in with each other and that's a good way to get support without having to you know, explicitly ask for it. I've had a hard time making new in-person friends since college, and college was a LONG time ago. The best way for me seems to be to find groups of people to do activities and then friends seem to form out of that. But lately I've been so overwhelmed that it's been difficult to take on new things. I do keep fantasizing about taking classes at the Aikido studio down the street. I'm also toying with trying out the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families meeting that I discovered really close to me. I'm not really into 12-step, but I'm going through rough shit with my fam and thought it might be helpful. A friend of mine decided he wanted to make more friends as well, so he's been going to mycology (mushroom hunting) meetings and also a beekeeping group. Another friend of mine keeps suggesting that I start meetup groups myself. I'm like, geez I've never even attended one, but there are several spiritual meetup groups in the area that I could try out. We all would probably do well to review some of the friend-making videos on this channel. The interview with the Surgeon General was quite inspirational in this regard. I hope you find some support soon.
I'm alone too and often wish I could find others interested in becoming supportive but I can't so instead I have four dogs and a cat and I'm my own support system! I'm very dependable! ❤
This is invaluable knowledge. It simultaneously explains and debunks the common advice you always get out there of "Don't think and just do it bro!", despite the "just doing it" part most likely having come after a long time of reflection and possibly self loathing.
This video is very confusing and complicated, can you explain with an example what exactly I have to gain self control for example over pornography and exercise ?
@@mihirshinde1706dont try to find any logic or argue with yourself because your problem is emotional. Its normal if you dont understand you just have to feel like explained in the video. You will not "understand", you will "realise" by the experience itself and this idea is what yoga teaches us.
This is so interesting, I had so many people who are older than me telling me that the only way to self control is through "stress", which is completely backward but also makses sense. Stress is cause us to panic and go all in on the things we've been procrastinating, which feels like self-control, stress will also disable "real self-control", which is what causes stress in the first place.
When I saw my first video from you, I was like: "no way this is for free." so I am so happy that you have a sponsor now. Words can not describe how much I appreciate you and your work. I was lost and haven't even know it, my life improved so much from that time and there are still miles to go and I am so for it. It still isn't easy but at least it's simple. Thank you so much Alok Kanojia, you are the man.
@@procrastinathor4594 Basically everything that comes with losing self control x 10. It actually becomes easier to fight it, since a lot of things come with ADHD, both good and bad.
this video is literally life changing. thank you so much. i am in a really dark place and have no means to get therapy and this video gave me a new direction where i saw none. i will never be grateful enough. thanks
Holy shit, it's like you read my mind. I don't normally write comments, but this video comes at a perfect timing for me and is truly eye-opening. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since I quit weed and yesterday was the hardest to stay away from it. Day 1 to 3 were tough, but day 10 I was really struggling with the thought of taking it. I was literally fighting that internal battle 4 to 5 times within a few hours and keeping track of it in the back of my mind. That is when my emotional awareness took over and I realized was feeling deeply sad and lonely, which was an experience that I haven't felt a long while to such a degree. I watched youtube video after youtube video until at one moment I thought "screw this" and took a few minutes to watch the sunset out of my window( tbf, I live in a pretty lovely environment, lots of mountains and woods). Feeling the heat of the last sunshine of the day and just taking a few minutes to look into the distance really calmed me down. A few hours later I basically binged a whole anime season, which I hadn't done in a sober state for quite a while and it felt amazing. The thought of getting high again appeared in my mind and I took a few minutes break from watching to deal with my internal state again. I was stressing about some work related stuff that I had to deal with today and having to wake up early for it, which made me feel uneasy as I got up pretty late that day and I knew I wouldn't be able to go to bed on time, so I knew I would not get enough sleep. Having processed that, I thoroughly enjoyed the last episodes of my anime and went to bed with a pretty calm mind lol. Actually everything went pretty well today and it wasn't half as bad as expected, I got everything done that I wanted to. Long story short, I felt the internal process of what you're describing in the video for the first time even though I have known about the emotional awareness procedure for half a year. But only now after admitting to myself that I had to quit weed to truly reach my potential and feel fulfillment in life is when I finally felt what I logically understood months ago for the first time. The road ahead is still very long and there is a lot of stuff I want and need to do, but making the first steps felt very reassuring. Thanks Dr K for yet another great video and for everyone who read until here! I hope you guys are doing well and I wish lots of strength for whatever it is you are going through!
Amazing comment. I am also dealing with a similar struggle. Been unemployed for a few months and the process of getting a new job in addition to just being home all the time made me really depressed. It’s been an emotional crutch for me and just something to do to pass the time. I’ve been trying to quit but this video helped me understand how I can attempt quitting again
@@Sonyemman97 hey man, thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Yup, passing the day is a great way to put it. I was so bored and isolated that I just took it mindlessly in the afternoon/evening. Hang in there, it will be tough but as soon as the decision comes from within and you truly feel the need to change it will only be a matter of time. I used a week of holydays after a few stressful months to start, I kind of just woke up one day and wanted to stop. I hope I can stay strong when the thoughts get darker again. Wish you all the best mate!
This video is very confusing and complicated, can you explain with an example what exactly I have to gain self control for example over pornography and exercise ?
This video is so powerful. For the longest time I’ve had very severe “self control” issues in all aspects of my life. As I’ve gotten older and started to live an emotionally healthier lifestyle I’ve definitely noticed insanely positive changes in my ability to control myself in other areas of my life. I didn’t make the connection but wow I’m so glad I watched this video to see it. This is great encouragement to continue what I’ve been doing with regulating emotions so I can stay on this path of gaining better control. I can’t say enough how great this video is and how well everything was explained. Keep up the incredible work!
I'm historically a very anxious person, but have been gradually improving. I think a big part of it is that I've started to grasp a really deep concept that keeps popping up everywhere, and I think the lesson of this video is another expression of that same concept. I called it a concept, but it's more of a feeling that I'm gradually getting more of a sense for. It's like this deep, relaxed state of mind where I'm able to really tune in and listen to whatever I'm focusing on at the moment. It's like I'm feeling more than thinking--I'm just present in the moment. Once I really manage to reach that state, there's a resultant, sublime sense of reassurance and calm. It's like I can trust myself in that moment because I'm alive and present and able to respond appropriately to whatever happens while I'm in that state. I think the prerequisite for getting there is letting go of any external concerns in terms of eventual outcome, etc. With that, it becomes possible to relax and content oneself with accepting things as they come. Without it, I think there's a mental tenseness that makes it impossible to achieve presence of mind. It's like a deeply liberating combination of detachment/relaxation and a driving sense of purpose/intentionality. I first noticed it randomly as a vague, but growing feeling somewhere in my psyche a few months ago, and started to see it as a recurring pattern since then. For example, I find it critical when practicing Tai Chi, as well as playing really intricate/complex competitive games (like Melee). I suspect it's the same thing great musicians tap into when playing, and the same thing meditation and Qigong techniques aim to achieve/strengthen. Back to the video (lol), I think the point Dr. K is making is another expression of this same concept, specifically pertaining to the relationship between external stressors and self control. Essentially, it seems to me that as long as your focus is on those external stressors, your ability to act intentionally and in accordance with all the elements of your current mental state is marred. But once you manage to let go of those external stressors to some degree, it becomes possible to be present within the landscape of your mind and act appropriately. Some days I'm able to tap into it more than others. But I strongly feel that grasping this feeling on a broad/deep level is the antidote to anxiety and a key to life in general, and I hope I can nurture it in myself. Thanks for reading my brain dump lol. Hopefully it's useful/interesting to some degree.
I played melee so I get it :'D The zone. It's really nice if your brain just can space out and at the same time you are fully aware of what is going on. It's a good way to learn :) Thank you for sharing!
I've had a similar experience with anxiety. Right know I'm sometimes kinda weirded out that nothing bothers me that much ( becouse almost everything gave me anxiety before) and I attribute a lot of it to awareness and letting go of control. Trying new things and a lot of introspection and understanding yourself also help. It really makes you not care what comes in the future, because you believe you can take it head on. Great comment!
The concept you're beautifully explaining reminded me of the way someone described the experience of "flow", it's a cool balance of calm yet intentional focus in the zone and it's a nice feeling to tap into. The creator behind the video game Journey (Jenova Chen of thatgamecompany) did write a little thesis paper back when he was in college about "flow" as conceptualized by a certain psychologist with how he's designed stuff that's in the video games he's worked on. I managed to read a bit from the psychologist he was referring to and his thoughts on what he describes as a "flow state" was pieces together from studying folks from all sorts of disciplines and walks of life. Thank you for sharing this with us, hope you're enjoying the moment you got with you!
I used to (still kinda) have pretty bad anxiety but I know that feeling you’re talking about too. It really feels like those moments are the only moments where I’m actually living, free. It really feels like no matter what happens I’ll be good. And then the next day I feel like crap so who knows lol. Idk how to make it come up either it just does… but hopefully I can find a way to make it more consistent as well.
This lines up incredibly well with ADHD scattered attention, and how meditation is an ADHD treatment. It gives us the capacity to revaluate and stay on task
Yeah and then theres practices like trataka which just plain trains your brain skill of focus and keeping effortless attention. Incredibly useful for ADHD and even better, its very easy practice to do with ADHD. Dr.K has a great vid about it: Meditation to Improve Focus
Self control is one of my best traits oddly. no phone addiction, no internet addiction, fasting diets, boringly enjoys looking at trees, okay let’s stop there.
This actually describes my experience with taking ADHD meds so well. It was not like the impulses to look at my phone, get up and hug my bf, or start thinking about a completely unrelated new topic just stopped existing, I was merely able to notice them first instead of impulsively acting on them. I literally had thoughts like "oh, I see a notification, I want to look at it even though I'm working on something." And then I was suddenly able to resist. It just added this "pause" before wanting to do something and doing it.
I just got through a one month long intensive therapy program to help with my weed addiction; and this video just helped me understand why I just woke up one day feeling like I just want to stop for good and actually managed to do it; and more importantly, why I haven’t been able ‘just stop’ with my other vices yet. Thank you Dr. K I’ve been watching your videos throughout, and so much gratitude for you spreading all this valuable knowledge on mental health on the web. Much love from Canada.
I had to watch this a few times to really understand it and I think there's a part of the explanation that's missing at the end. I would say that increased awareness of the internal conflict improves the definition of the conflict. Remaining aware of the conflict and thinking about it clarifies both sides and going from "this annoys me" to a clearer version which looks like "this part of my life causes X amount of pain for Y amount of gain, and X is greater than Y, so it's not worth it" which I think is where the just do it part comes in. People who reach that level of clarity now have a clear view of both side and there's an obvious choice.
00:00 🧠 The video discusses the science of self-control and evidence-based techniques to boost it. 00:16 🥦 The basic problem addressed is the struggle to engage in healthy habits and routines. 03:05 🧩 Revolutionary studies challenge the concept of self-control, suggesting it's more about conflict monitoring in the brain. 05:10 🧠 Self-control is not a fixed trait, but a diminishing resource that can be depleted. 06:44 🧘♂️ Meditation is an effective tool for improving self-control, as it enhances awareness of internal conflicts. 13:21 🧘♀️ Learning to regulate emotions is crucial for improving self-control, as emotional suppression can deplete it. 14:30 🌪️ Stress externalizes attention, reducing the capacity for self-control, but re-internalizing awareness can help mitigate this effect. 17:30 🚶♂️ Paying attention to internal conflict is the key to improving self-control, as it activates the conflict monitoring system in the brain.
I always smile when I hear those who are Truth Seekers and then share it with all...some will listen others will not or can not...but then...those who did listen begin to share as well...and you see, the beauty just spreads like sunshine...Thanks Doc for your caring heart.
In my personal experience, the moment I realised, truly realised, that all my "vices" and unhealthy habits were either worsening my health and weight or losing me a lot of time, I could better control them. It took me a lot of time, but I figured out that drinking, the time spent drinking, and the time lost the next day from feeling tired and woozy, were all humongous barriers to any form of self-improvement, or even just limiting the things I could do throughout the day (chores I could get done or hobbies I could develop). For eating trash food and drinking soda, I simply started chugging water all day or just got some sliced meat to at least eat a bit more healthy if I was at work or outside. Also realising that these habits were *actions* in of themselves, I just asked myself the question "Is it better to *put in effort* for a worse result or just abstain, do nothing, and be better off for it?"
The problem is when your vices actually have upsides, and the things you "need" to do are uncertain in whether they will actually be beneficial. Then, it becomes near impossible to be productive.
Ok 1. Emotion regulation and stress reduce our capacity of self control. There is a part of our brain called the anterior cingulate cortex, this is responsible for monitoring internal conflict. So when we stop monitoring our internal conflict = stop self controlling. Self control = capacity to monitor internal conflict. We only exert self control when there’s an internal conflict. As long as the conflict beings monitored, we will be in control. 2. Regulate our emotions = instead of suppress your emotion , which leads to shutting off that conflict monitoring, you should try less suppressing your emotion e.g. take a walk, journaling etc so you can finally focus on yourself instead of the problems. 3. Reduce Stress is not telling you to solve all your problems because it’s when you focusing on the problems, you are not paying attention to yourself, instead you should Reinternalize your awareness = e.g. pay attention to your hunger signal, pay attention to your fatigue. So whenever you feel stress out, take 15-20 mins to just check in with yourself, ask yourself how your feeling right now = increase awareness of the internal self = you will be boosting that conflict monitoring system in the anterior singulate cortex. Self control is self awareness = as long as you pay attention to your internal signals literally your self control will improve because the circuit are one and the same 4. What we subjectively experience as self control is different than what is actually going on in the brain = you nervous you feel like there’s butterfly in your stomach = if you kinda stop and think about the solution to get rid of the butterflies is not actually remove butterflies in your stomach, but it’s to address what’s actually going on in the brain = need to internalize your awareness when you stress out/ nervous = exert self control 5. Self control and your internal state ,specifically awareness conflict within you, is the same thing as self control. What to do is meditation because meditation all you doing is paying attention to your breath. Because self awareness and self control functions the same in our brain= awareness is control = the muscles of self control is the muscles of conflict monitoring. All you need to do is pay attention to your internal conflict and the more that you sit with that conflict the more you will be able to exert control 6. Every person who decided to just do it, all of that just doing it was preceded by a very high awareness of internal conflict So basically if you can’t do something yet is not you have no self control, it is just your internal self telling yourself you don’t really want to do it. When you want to do it, you will. Just like the addict, he will never get sober if he doesn’t want to, once he wants to, he will be sober.
My main problem is that i am still actively fighting myself even while im doing the behavior. I will feel the urge to get on my phone come on, I will grab my phone and start scrolling, and the entire time before I got on my phone and the entire time I am scrolling im constantly in my head screaming at myself to stop, but its as if my hands move automatically. I lose but i never really give in. I fight the behavior while still engaged in it despite not being able to win. Im always thinking mid scroll, "I want to stop right now, why cant I stop scrolling, why can't I get my hand to stop scrolling". I usually end up having to have something like a fit of rage and throw my phone across the room in order to stop myself. Whats also weird is im usually out of breath afterward too despite not doing anything physically.
@@kingofbears6999 i think that’s more to do with the dopamine reward system and your hands moving automatically is caused by the dopamine your phone is producing. i don’t know much about it but it seems to be really interesting
Not bad! The anatomy of control is "Start-Change-Stop". Decide to start an action, perform the action, finish the action. It also goes as you say: be aware of the annoying act, continue being aware of the annoying act, choose not to perform the annoying act. Thank you for your hard work!
I want to add something to this video, that I think might help who are now trying to become more aware of their inner conflict. I coincidently did a Meditation retreat two weeks ago, where I was taught Anapana ( becoming aware of your breath) and Vipassana ( Body-scan basically). There are two keys to those meditation 1) Awareness, its sharpness and descriptiveness ( also if you have trouble sensing or identifying your emotions I highly recommend listening to your body first, before rumanating over it in your brain) and the one I want to highlight 2) Equianimity, how you confront, deal with and relate to the sensations, feeling, thoughts. It is important not to avoid, force, argue, be frustrated or elated, crave anything that comes up during your meditation. You observe it, just observe it, like a scientist would its experiment. You try not to feed into it or try to stray away from it, you just be there and observe, not averting your eyes or focusing on anything in particular. The reason for equianimity is that we don't want to overcharge, or flee from anything that comes up, because that in away is also going away from awareness and feeds directly or indirectly the emotion instead of holding it in awareness.
This has helped me realize my addiction to a certain stimuli. I thought if I just suppress it’ll go away, which seemed to make the problem worse but now I’m learning to just be aware of it and that makes a huge difference. I feel an energy inside of me being free rather then being controlled or restricted. I can feel a change coming! Thank you 🙏🏽
This was exactly how I stopped drinking energy drinks years ago. I had an internal conflict about the negative effects of it over and over for weeks and then one day I just completely stopped. Thank you for explaining it, it was very insightful!
If we consider emotional dysregulation to be a core symptom of ADHD, I wonder if impulsiveness is caused by that rather than it being a core symptom itself.
This paired with the FOMO video really helps. In fact, just the other day I stopped myself from buying a large latte when I just noticed "oh right now I feel bored and I want the excitement that comes from the coffee". Then I just didn't go :*
I seem to feel better after praying about the feelings I'm experiencing and my internal conflict, I'm able to fully express myself and really dive deep into why i feel the way I do.
Same with me. I know I can tell Jesus everything I feel, even my deepest abyss. Very often I experience something like questions arising in my heart during these prayer-times - like: „why do you feel that way?“ or: „when did it start?“. It’s not like hearing words, it’s more like an inner knowing. Then I sometimes get into a kind of mental state where it’s like as if I can see myself and my situation from outside or above. It’s a shift of perspective…..What is needed for this? Absolute honesty and a time of silence . The result is inner peace and a clear mind.
I just read about the process model of ego depletion in my Self Psychology class in undergrad! I really appreciate that you were able to take the findings and help me figure out how to really put them to use :)
"The crappier your life is emotionally the more likely you are to give into bad behaviours. When do you need comfort when there is badness in heart." Truth always hurts
I used to go to the supermarket to look for 1 item, and when I didn't find that item, I'd buy something else that I never intended in the first place. As soon as I saw this phenomenon described somwehere, I became more aware of this behaviour, and now I do not buy anything that I don't require anymore.
It becomes easier once you understand that you are sharing your body with your cells. You want something but your cells wants something completely different.
Well said! This makes sense to me because I always felt like I could sort of meditate as I went through life and I didn’t need to formally sit down and focus on breathing. I felt that time spent just thinking was really valuable.
Yep, introspection and being in tune with your internal state/emotions. People who are reflective generally have great self-control. Understand yourself and you will figure out the rest.
There's nothing revolutionary here. It's really really simple, and the oldest knowledge that we don't apply. Self knowledge is the beginning of everything, just seek it and all the rest comes.
I feel like this even applies to changing people opinions on things. You can’t really change them, but you can give people reasons, make them aware of things and issues and eventually it’ll click and they’ll have changed their opinions.
So, what is the "self"? The "other me" that we talk with to get things done, Is it inner speach? is it a character we created in our minds? A good relationship with your "self" is so valuable. I do think depression and anxiety are related to a highly active inner monologue, constantly ruminating about the past or future
I've always had affirming situations that the unconscious collective is a real thing, and a driving force behind social change or patterns of information gathering in communities, in general.
I love how excited you get about this dr k, ive recentlu dived deep into your channel here and its making my life better. Im becoming more self aware, actually making long over due change, and seeing myself increment the way ive wanted to. Thank you for simplifying things as much as possible. From this 45 year old opiate addict(sober 10 years now), single au-dhd Mother of one, i am eternally grateful for your efforts and time invested here. Much love
I have never went to therapy and I have been struggling regulating my emotions for about 7 years while coping with depression and anxiety. Its no wonder my self control is so low as Ive been trying to suppressed these feelings all these years. Thank you for this 🙏🏽
Dr. K, I just wanna let you know that your guidance and interpretations regularly open up my perspective and I’ve benefited greatly since finding your channel. Thank you for doing what you do. 😊
Agreed. My experience with executive dysfunction is often one of exerting myself mentally in order to brute force myself through it and push past the fatigue and inertia. Needless to say, this isn't very effective and I will try and begin doing something like what has been described in this video, as it seems to be dramatically less difficult. I am aware that I have developed a level of alexithymia (difficulty in interpreting, feeling, or experiencing emotions in the moment) due to my need to suppress my emotions in order to avoid the negative attention that has resulted from the difficulties I've had in regulating my emotions, so it will be more challenging for me than it could be for others, but there's nothing to lose when it comes to trying to reconnect with those severed neural connections because it's really only resulted in me exchanging one type of pain for another that I don't really know how to express and never leaves me.
Wow. Loved your energy. Just being aware of your thoughts and feelings can give you so much control. It works 100%. I just watched another TED Talk on secrets of self control and literally the key was to observe and be aware of your thoughts. I was craving a smoke at the time and when I said to my self " Im noticing im having a thought that im craving a smoke" the impulse diminished and I didn't smoke.
This is amazing Dr. I love the specific and simple explanation of your videos, they are great quality! I am excited to put this into practice, I can't thank you enough. Thank you for what you do~
Amazing explanation! I still don’t understand how I got where I am though. To clarify: I work, go to school, and my self control goal is to get in shape before graduation. I Work 6 days a week, school 5 of those days, with a 2hr total commute on school days. I’m busy (forced by external schedule) between 5am-4:30pm, I get home at 4:30pm and “settle in” before I start working out (4 school days a week) Around 7pm I’ve ate and showered. Then I have to complete 3-4hrs worth of online school assignments/lectures. If I sit down and think about what I need or how I’m doing: I’m exhausted, sore, drained, and have cravings for junk food… but I can’t just stop and “take care of myself” bc that forfeits my goal to workout/get in shape that I have struggled with for 6 consecutive years, this is the longest I’ve been consistent [3+ months]. I have “before” photos I’ve taken every year for about 5 years straight bc of every failed attempt, as proof 💀
I literally want to cry. I’m an addict for 11 years and I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Your explanation in this video makes so much sense. I know I’m gonna win eventually. Thank you K.
Thank you. Started my journey this last year and i got this exactly when i needed it... The yogis, researchers, people like you giving it their all. Giving back every day i can now ^_^
I have to say, this video was really incredible. I had to pause and go back about 20 different times as I took hand written notes to cement this into my brain. Hearing the science behind this concept of self control really helped contextualize a lot of things I've been working on for a long time and have just recently started having success with (although the journey is far from over) What you said at the end was absolutely spot on about people just "doing it" because it's exactly as you described. It's only after cycles and cycles of awareness practice that you can one day just do it.
this makes sense to me... when I was kid, I thought being positive is the best. so I tried to ignore my negative emotions but It didn't work. but I noticed that when I become angry and I write my negative emotions to papers... (or talk to myself) It actually calmed myself.
could you make another video strictly on HOW to increase self awareness? you brushed over doing things like walking, journaling, or seeing a therapist, but I'm still not clear exactly what I need to be thinking about or looking for
does anybody else notice this man streams his own streams of consciousness, he doesnt read script and only looks away to collect his thoughts and to share his screen amazing man.
Every jump cut is an opportunity for him to review his script. There are many jump cuts in the video. He speaks well, and he might be right, but this isn't stream of consciousness.
Meditate for one hour a day. If you’re too busy to meditate…two hours. The being well podcast referenced Dr. K today. Thanks healthy gamer team and Dr. K. Y’all are doing good work!
@@FIFAxGUNNER that's the point - everyone "has the time" but the people (like you and me and millions of others) who don't think they actually have the time, need meditation the most. Hard to understand but try to sit with that, or even better, talk to others about this idea about how it doesn't make sense... then afterwards, talk about how it DOES/CAN make sense
Yeah but not everyone has that luxury of time. We have to survive, keep up with our connections, and god forbid chase goals that are outside of our career situation. “Stop saying you don’t have time” really pisses me off. It’s capitalist propaganda to get you to do more stuff on top of what it demands of you already
@@zekielrodriguez5229I hear what you're saying but at the same time MOST people DO have one or two hours a day to devote to meditation or exercise, they just don't because it's difficult and not a priority. If you didn't watch this TH-cam video today you would've had 20 minutes to meditate. You have the time. You watched TH-cam instead. Get off TH-cam and onto a meditation mat. Stop making excuses, it only hurts yourself. Doesn't hurt me if you convince yourself you don't have time to meditate. Doesn't hurt anybody but you.
I think this also ties in with procrastination.. when something feels stressful, we want to avoid it and do something else instead and stop thinking about it. Awareness goes out the window, and with it self control, and then the whole day is gone...
This is one of the things I learned from Headspace meditation. Dont try to suppress thoughts, but let them come and go. Noting whether they are good, bad, or neutral. Don't fight yourself in your mind.
When I suddenly started studying for a random diploma, I had a hard time focusing on it. I wanted to play videogames so badly. I was so used to come back from work to just play games. The "internal conflict" talk was so spot on. Sometimes I need to stop for a moment and argue with myself to convince me on why I'm trying to exert self control in the first place. What helped me study at peace was to either (1) separate a whole day to focus on gaming, and (2) make studying more fun/interesting. Once you find the enjoyable side of something, you suddenly stop thinking so hard about how much you want to be done with it ASAP. Almost no self control was needed once I was set on not gaming for the day, or once I started focusing on the interesting side of that subject I was studying (even if I had to go a bit schizo sometimes, taking notes in a "gaming" slang just to make it a bit more engaging.)
That makes no sense. Setting a goal is easy but adhering to it is what requires willpower and self control. I tried too many times to set a goal or plan then to not follow through.
I don't know whatever made me click on a channel called HealthyGamer, but ever since that first video I have literally been binging your content for days because you were helping me understand my son and giving me hope. I forwarded one of your videos to him, hoping he would pay more attention to the word Gamer in your channel name than the word Trauma in the title. He won't probably watch it, but at least I feel you have helped me, and indirectly him as well. Thank you for what you do. Truly unique and valuable content.
I never took cold showers to get into the habit of doing things that suck. I take cold showers because Andrew Huberman said they give a large dopamine spike with a very slow and steady decline, and properly regulating dopamine is an important issue for me. I also tend to feel great after taking them, especially right after exercising.
This is so true. The way I got myself to go to the gym regularly was by paying attention to how my body and mind felt. I noticed that when I was sedentary for days on end, my body hurt and felt weak and I would start to feel sad and powerless. But when I went to the gym I would feel energized and capable. Then any time I felt the internal conflict of "I should go to the gym but I don't want to" I would think about how bad it feels to not exercise and how proud I feel of myself when I do exercise, then the decision would be easy.
This was extremely helpful for me and calmed down a lot my anxiety. I made a decision to try two things based on this video. 1) Because of how I was raised, I keep my feelings to myself, and don't stand up for myself. Nothing convinced me more to stop doing that than being aware that that's literally destroying my focus. So last night I decided to tell my roommate when he was being sexist and not allow him to insult my intelligence. I think my tone (not angry, just sarcastic/playful) is what made it successful. I'm going to keep doing this and pointing out when I feel people are being problematic instead of keeping it inside. My hope is I can train people to change their behavior toward me by challenging it and not just taking it all on the chin. 2) I am going to try journaling. I used to have a lot of time for self-reflection when I was a kid, and time constraints and the easy dopamine fix of hitting the internet replaced that time. I'm up early and gokng to try morning pages.
Look up Nick Wignall's video on how to Stop Ruminating. It's super helpful in a practical way like Dr. K's videos are. Dr. Wignall is also a clinical Psychologist
I would think another effective strategy is structuring your life in a way that doesn't require as much self control or monitoring your internal struggle. For example if you want to stop eating so many cookies at home, I would think instead of fighting that internal struggle of wanting a cookie that sitting on the kitchen counter all the time. The easiest way is would be to make them invisible. Either get rid of them completely or hide them in a place that you need to intentionally go to if you decide you actually want a cookie instead of the impulse of seeing them on the counter.
there was a LOT going on in my life about half a year ago. i was stressed and struggling to keep up with studies. as soon as i started journaling, my awareness of my own emotions became so clear and easy to understand. this video just explained why it worked so well
5:09 diminishing resource more u exert things that diminish self control: 5:58 emotional regulation 6:22 stress 7:59 capacity to monitor internal conflict lose control when stop paying attention to the battle conflict monitoring is self control suppress internal awareness , loose capacity of self control 12:48 more emotion to suppress, more likely to bnot hv self control 13:20 learn to regulate ( walks, therapy, journaling) 13:52 reinternalize awareness ( how am i feeling?) increase internal awareness meditation, paying attention to internal conflict
Okay so whats the difference between awareness of this internal conflict and ruminating or being stuck in your head and becoming indecisive? Yeah it is self control, and manifests as physical self control eventually, but what about when we're not there yet and need to make a decision "now"?
NO CITATIONS: I love this channel, but I would love it even more if all those claims of studies having shown something, there would be actual citations and references so we could take a look at the sources ourselves.
1. Don't suppress your self it will get thing worse because you're are not listening to your self 2. When you feel stressed out go take a walk and pay attention to want you're feeling ANDD that's why mediation is a good idea when you want to improve awareness.
He is literally a head doctor. He is the source. Or do you go to a medical professional and after they tell you your ear is infected you ask them to cite a source?
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Dr K, but isn't monitoring internal conflict is essentially a ridiculously strong mana burner? For me, it seems that way
@@JakeMazurski Dr K always talks about not taking his word for it and instead try for yourself. Then you'll see.
@@JakeMazurski
you don't have to monitor it 24/7 from day 1.
Start with 5, or even 1, minute of intentional monitoring (i.e. meditation) per day and increase your load gradually.
Exactly what you would do if you're getting into any kind of exercise.
Babbel is really good, can recommend! Don't think you'll learn a language in 3 weeks, more like in 3 months, but that's still much faster than never. The lessons are engaging, although their app/website is a bit too slow for my taste.
I realise this might sound like a bot comment :D But whatever, I really like it!
I appreciate your sponsors keeping your content free. I would also appreciate hearing about Babbels audio data privacy policies during the actual ad read.
This also explains why journaling is so powerful. Because essentially journaling is all about feeling your feelings and paying attention to the internal conflict. I always feel better and more in control after journaling and this explains why.
I encourage people to journal “even if you have to throw it away or shred or burn it after” because it’s all about being present with yourself. Dr K is just so much better at the deeper explanations than I ever seem to be.
Journaling is like written meditation. I do meditation and I've started doing journaling and they both help a lot
What really journaling is about? Is it writing your own thoughts? If that's the case, there's a video on it made by Tomaz Filming, it's called you already have your own answers. Is it nothing but writing literally all your mind in that moment of self awareness?
@@PSTNH_D_DNT how I do it is writing down my emotions and why they are happening
I had cycles of making and breaking good and bad habits, respectively. I see now why it is mostly sundays and holidays where I got my shit together because THAT is when I sat down and wrote what is bothering me, writing it like a dialogue with myself. Thanks for this reminder, I’ll make journaling my priority!
This man puts out life-changing content consistently like it’s nothing
++
frrrrr bro i just watched 4 of his videos in the last 24 hours and I literally feel my brain has been rewired-when i when a grammy imma shout him out
EXACTLY, I feel like my life has significantly improved because of this man. I feel so much more aware.
Indeed! One of the very few channels I've Joined.
FRRR this channel is a whole freaking goldmine
The 'just do it' explanation was amazing and almost brought me to tears. My parents used to smoke since their 20s. From as young as I can remember, I was always fighting with them ( I was swearing, crying, breaking their cigarettes or throwing them on the trash can) and I remember I used to feel completely ignored and invalidated. I used to feel like a fool. One day they just stopped doing it. Nothing particularly happened. They just never touched a cigarette again. Even when I was in the icu in the hospital, it crossed their minds, but they didn't smoke.
Now I realize, what I was doing all these years is forcing them the internal conflict they were never brave enough to face. And, suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, at 11/1/2018, after 30 years of smoking, my mom calmly said "I'm quiting smoking right now". She didn't have any past 'attempts' to quit it. It was like it clicked in her mind, everything made sense out of 'nowhere'. It was literally nobody: my mom:
After some months the same happened with my father. I remember asking (teasing) him how come he ended up quiting after 10 persistent years of me pressuring him. I remember, he couldn't explain the reasons, it just didn't make sense for him to smoke anymore. He used to take the 'idk' facial expression when trying to explain it. Over the years, they were becoming more and more aware of the internal conflict that was existing inside their minds, and because of that awareness, it got resolved.
This was my parent's 'just do it' story.
Beautiful anecdote, thanks for sharing.
This video is very confusing and complicated, can you explain with an example what exactly I have to gain self control for example over pornography and exercise ?
@mihirshinde1706 self control is not an inherent property and doesn't exist as we typically think of it. What we think of as self-control is simply an aspect of being aware of the conflict you're having. A conflict in this case can mean any decision, like whether or not to satisfy a pornography urge
In the instance of pornography, say you find yourself having an urge to use. If you try and push the urge away and not think about it, THEN YOU ARE LOSING. That removes your awareness from the conflict, from the decision, and you become unable to control the decision. Instead, every time you feel an urge, you must become aware of the decision being made, or else the decision will be made without your control.
So, how do you increase awareness of the decision? First, acknowledge the urge is there, that you want to do it. Then acknowledge you also do not want to do it. You now have a conflict. Now, become aware of both sides of the argument. What are the pros and cons? List all the pros you can think of for watching porn. It'll feel good in the moment, it'll get your mind of something unpleasant, whatever. Just list them. Next, list the cons of consuming. Maybe it'll make you feel bad afterwards because you gave in. Maybe it will take time away that you could be doing something more valuable. Maybe it'd be hurtful to someone you love. Maybe it goes against your personal goals to quit pornography. Etc. Just list them. Then do the same for exercising, list all the pros and cons. After you're done, continue being aware of the conflict. In a case like this you will find the answer to be obvious. Once you are fully aware of the conflict, you will be able to control your decision.
I don't struggle with your issue, but this format has helped me exhibit self control in my life, and writing this served as a good exercise to solidify it with the insight brought by this video, so thank you for the opportunity 😄
@@Awuga so after I am aware of conflict and write down all the pro and cons, Do I read the list everytime I have Urges ?
@@mihirshinde1706not necessarily. The next time you get the urge, you just begin again-become aware of the conflict in your mind and hold on to that conflict as long as you can by doing things like listing the pros and cons. Don’t be stopped because you don’t have a pen and paper or whatever either, writing it down may be helpful, but it’s not the most important part.
The most important thing is to stay consciously aware of the conflict, you can list the pros and cons in your mind if that’s easier/more accessible.
It really is as straightforward as it sounds, the hard part is that the piece of you that wants to watch porn or doesn’t want to exercise or whatever *wants you to let go of the conflict* because that’s how it wins. That’s what you’re fighting, and all you need to do is outlast it enough to win yourself over.
Put another (corny) way: Captain America wins not because he’s super strong, but because he “can do this all day.” He doesn’t stop fighting for his values, and in doing so he wears down his opponents.
Finally, do not consider yourself a failure for losing to an urge. Consider every extra moment you fight it to be a win.
Sorry I’m so long winded, but I hope this helped. You’ve got this 😎
This makes a lot of sense: To be able to adress something you must be aware of it to begin with.
Still a pretty long way to actually address it
With ADHD it’s not a battle, it’s a full blown war every secound of the day. Before medication the only way I was able to do anything at all was in a state of fear, anxiety and adrenaline.
Also what has helped me was getting out of the Echo Chambers that would promote any learned victimhood, and "one-upping" others on how bad my ADHD was over theirs. I had to shut down what I thought were well meaning communities, when they actually were exacerbating the problems. I shut down validation seeking externally on how "bad" my ADHD was, and internalized more my awareness like this video described.
Putting up visual reminders of your goals can help.
I think one of the biggest reasons many try to trauma/symptom share with the objective of one-upping may stem from the fact that many with ADHD have only ever known alienation and lack of understanding from others through their lives. I still hide it myself, because people really just don't 'get' ADHD is a seriously miserable disorder. When you join an ADHD community, you are almost prone to need to "Validate" yourself, because as far as your concerned, the acceptance and understanding can be a bigger priority than trying to additionally empathize and absorb the hell of somebody elses symptoms. We are already up to the neck in symptoms, the Music is blasting, and it can be unberable to listen to everyone else's all at once. @@Learned333
@@Learned333 very good. It's nice to feel validated when maybe you're surrounded by people who don't take your troubles seriously, but unfortunately a lot of the mental health communities are toxic as hell, and don't help us as much as we'd like to think they can.
Could you elaborate the diagnosis process you went through?
what he is saying is : observe all kinds of thoughts. example: when you want to study, there is thought on your mind "i need to study for exams". observe this thought. then there is an impulse thought follows this: " i don't need to study now. i can study later". observe this thought too. observe this train of thoughts. if you do this, you automatically comes in the path of doing what's needed. because there is no resistance.
My thought process would be "Is the exam THAT important? If yes, study now and get it done. If it's not, then I'll just do it later"
So the result really depends on whether I think the exam is important or not.
Or even more extremely lazy version of mine is "Would I die if I fail this exam?" If yes, study. If no, fxxk it. Play video game for 5 hours straight.
Idk what's wrong with my brain. It just keep prioritizing useless fun
@@oo8962 hope you well May God Allah support us do great habits
I'm afraid that the doctor as well as You are oversimplifying the very harsh reality.
Whether someone is good at self control or not, as well as other psychological traits, is mainly determined by genes and upbringing (a.k.a. nature and nurture). It's possible to fix smaller errors in the upbringing process, but it's impossible to change terrible errors in upbringing (e.g. a parent with a serious addiction), or bad genetics.
To give more concrete example: it's easy to have at home almost any modern cat or dog, it can be very hard to have an abused stray cat, it's virtually impossible to have at home a Pallas cat or wolf (pretty different, "wild" genetics).
If just "observe your thoughts" worked for you, then congratulations, you had a minor upbringing problem. There are many people that can't obtain happiness, no matter what they did, no matter how good doctors they would have.
It's (unfortunately) another example of Darwinism in action. Problems of parents (genetical or social) are inherited by their children 😞
@@iirekm it can’t be oversimplified because what they are saying is pure fact. People have different upbringings and struggles etc. but at the end of the day healing all boils down to self awareness, some people just have a longer journey. Like the doctor said, he’s an addict psychiatrist (about as low as a person can get) and this is essentially how addicts get over their addiction.
@@3d_chip 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
Self control is about managing impulses. The best way to manage impulses is to monitor them long enough to ride them out, which means you do nothing while the impulse persists (you don't act on impulse). Once the impulse switches to something else that you are fine with, you can stop monitoring (and it will switch, that's how impulses work, they generally switch randomly).
thank you!
Agree. Except it's not random. You can reprogram and redirect yourself toward healthier behaviors.
For example, if you tell yourself enough times "I like salad," focus on eating salads, start to really enjoy eating salads, eventually you will likely eat a salad instead of a pizza without thinking much about it simply because you've turned your attention toward this behavior.
Ultimately, we are the masters of our own behaviors. 💛
@@drcatrinakingHow long do you need to do that though?
@@oo8962 Depends on the mind. Some minds are much stronger than others. Will power is increased through exercise and practice; some people are very intentional about their life and thus will have more power over it as compared to people who just live by the seat of their pants.
I have impulse I act on it.
6:56 “if I had the self control to meditate every day, I wouldn’t need to meditate every day”…omg this resonates so much
I went from 300lbs to 170lbs in the span of a little over 1 year. Self control was the key and what Dr K said in this video summarizes my experience. I was addicted to food, and one day, I woke up sober. I no longer wanted to be this person and I wanted control over my life.
awesome job man, that's a lot of progress
congrats man, well done
So how much time did it take you to internalize your conflict awareness - like meditation, journaling, thinking, etc. - and how sporadic or consistent did you get?
I had a very similar journey to you Man super proud of you I know personally it wasn't easy
people "want" a lot of things, but until they actually do something about it, it's more fantasy than desire.
Constantly being aware of every internal conflict is EXHAUSTING. What would help is being able to reduce the amount of conflict going on so you don't have to focus on a dozen different arguments in your head just to make individual choices. If this is something you could help with a video on that would be awesome!
I like to use Tony Robbins Action Signals
You’re right it’s very exhausting so I’d suggest focusing on one problem at a time. For example, if you struggle to brush 2x a day focus on being aware of the internal conflict of brushing. Do this consistently and you’ll come to the realisation that you’ve naturally formed a habit of brushing 2x a day, now you don’t need to mentally drain yourself constantly because you brush out of habit without even thinking about being aware of the internal conflict. Deal with your other problems the same way, one by one. I hope this helps.
Exactly! I‘ve bern paralized for over a month, essetially not doing anything because I‘m analyzing, meta-analyzing, meta-meta-analyzing and so on my inner self
dont focus on dozen different arguments at once.
also, it shouldn't be exhausting, you are doing it wrong. you are just supposed to sit and watch as the conflict brews between 2 sides, you dont need to participate in it or heckle one side while encouraging the other, no you just relax and watch and focus on a single conflict. and the negative/bad urge will be gone in a minute. you dont even need to observe closely, keep a distance from the conflicting emotions
Maybe rethink what being aware means to you. If he's speaking of awareness, then just be aware of the feelings and sensations as much as possible when they arise. Try to use every subsequent thought as more of a gateway into deeper feelings and thoughts instead of finding meaning in the words themselves. Awareness is so simple, looking for meaning in the form of words that makes it hard. Observe EVERYTHING even the resistance of wanting more meaning in the observation.
This explanation tracks perfectly with my experiences:
A year ago, I was in a deep depression. I knew I was depressed, I knew what to do to fix it (get out of bed and start doing things) and yet I couldn't do it.
Eventually I went to therapy, managed to become "normal" again, overcome the depression and suddenly these days self control feels relatively easy.
I was still afraid though, because I hadn't understood the process that makes me now able to be in control, yet made it impossible back then, so what's to stop me from waking up tomorrow and being back where I started? Therapy for me was essentially forced introspection with the help of a therapist to guide me along, so it tracks this model of self control perfectly. In that process I managed to overcome these issues and thus what used to be taken up in terms of mental bandwidth is now available again.
In retrospect I can see that my "capacity for self control" was taken up by avoiding some negative facts in my life, as well as depersonalizing and derealizing to avoid negative emotions, when back then I didn't even notice I did these things.
On a unrelated note:
I'd really appreciate it if we could get links to the relevant research/papers in the description somewhere. I think this video format is much better for the average viewer in terms of digestability, but giving those who want to the ability to read up more on the topic would be amazing. On top of that, it gives viewers the ability to cite the sources to people they talk with about these ideas (or their therapists). I get that it's a big ask as that means additional work to collect and post the research, but I for one would be very thankful.
How were you able to go to a therapist while deeply depressed? Asking for a friend
For me in that same situation, therapy was over zoom, so I didn't have to "go" anywhere.
I put the phone number of the therapist i wanted to get in contact with as my background wallpaper in the phone and also put her online website as the first page to open when i were to open Chrome, and after a month/month and a half i finally found the courage and strenght to call her. It's tough😅@@TehBrokenToken
@@TehBrokenToken Apologies for the late response, for some reason I didn't get any notification or anything.
There were three main reasons that managed to get me to go:
1. I had kept all my struggles to myself, mostly due to a tendency to retreat into myself rather than reach out for help. Something happened that forced me to "come clean" and tell my family. I was (and am) blessed to have parents who tried their best to understand (even if they didn't always manage to understand fully) and who were supportive. They were the main reason I managed to get a therapist, because getting one took some effort and I would have given up on myself multiple times during that process. However they were supportive and tried to help where they could (sometimes with simple things like remind me to look each day).
2. There's a system in my country (Germany) that guarantees an initial talk to a therapist within 2 weeks for diagnosis. I managed to find my therapist that way within a week and a week after the diagnosis I got a call from them that one of their patients had finished therapy and they had gotten a free time slot Mondays. I got really lucky there.
3. The first therapist I visited was an absolute jackpot. I had done some research and chose CBT as the focus I wanted, which was a great choice in retrospect. My therapist was willing to challenge my narratives about myself, but also ultimately respected my opinion, so she perfectly met that balance of giving me hard questions without ever seeming antagonistic. Add to that that I quickly got the impression that she was smart and capable and I was starting to gain some trust in the process and a small amount of hope that maybe this could actually work.
I definitely got lucky, but even then some days I couldn't actually motivate myself to go to appointments. She had offered that on those days I could write an e-mail and we could do the session online. I tried my best to appear in person, but some days I just couldn't, so online was a great substitute until I started getting better and managed to appear regularly.
Believe me when I say that I understand how easy it is to give up on the process, or how easy it is to fall into dumb thoughts like "Why brother" " This won't work anyways" "Do I even deserve to get therapy" etc.
It's really unfortunate that the moment you are most likely to give up on yourself, or have doubts, or fail to put in the effort is also the moment it is the most important to do.
All I can offer as encouragement is my experiences:
I had depression for years, originally I ignored some signs, then it got progressively worse until I was in about as bad a place as you can be without being actively suicidal (though that would probably have been the eventual destination without help).
I was derealized, depersonalized, depressed and basically a husk of a person without self-esteem or hope for the future.
Therapy was anything but easy, I had to face a lot of uncomfortable truths and accept (or attempt to fix) mistakes. I can say that I gave therapy my all, and I believe that to be a large part of why my progress has been so fast. I definitely put in work. Then after some initial 1 on 1 therapy I started group therapy as well, which was different, but also helpful.
Now, one year later, I have access to my feelings again, I have hope for the future, I regained some self-esteem and I can see a realistic path forward where I manage to live a life I can be proud of living. I regained a lot of old friendships and managed to make some new ones.
Do I still have shit days sometimes? Absolutely. Is may even relapse and derealize once in a while when in bed at night, but those moments are getting less and less.
A year ago I wouldn't have thought such quick progress was possible.
The process isn't "over" and I will probably always have areas I need to work on or be careful with, but in a really macabre way I might emerge from this experience a better person than before.
If I could tell myself from before therapy one thing it would be this:
Please give therapy a chance. You might not feel worthy of being helped right now, but just give it a chance. And do your best to cooperate, the more you put in the more you get out. You deserve a happier life and there's so much potential in you to give positive things to the people around you and the world. It would be a waste not to.
And while that might be what I would say to myself, I'd say the same to you. I am sure you have the potential to be so much more happy and so much more of a positive force in the world and I sincerely hope you manage to realize and experience that.
What I find interesting about your video is that,it looks boring when I look at the title, yet as I click in and start watching it,it feels more and more interesting and makes me want to finish it
I've just finished a great book called "How We Change (And Ten Reasons Why We Don't)" by Ross Ellenhorn. The title is cheezy, but this book is so deep. He explores all the ways we have this internal conflict. But the eleventh reason is, it's really hard without social support. Even the yogis had Sangha!! I feel like this is so important -- when you have social support, we can find comfort in others.
Do you have any advice on 1 how to find social support, and 2 how to come to someone and ask for support/help?
THIS is my problem :( I don't have a support system and I feel like it's very important to me...
@@cyrobbins2684 @gato_comunista3802 I wish I had a better answer to this question. I have found a lot of support online over the past year, but it's not the same as in-person support, right? Although, it's so much better than nothing. I try to do zoom calls with my online besties every few weeks. We check in with each other and that's a good way to get support without having to you know, explicitly ask for it.
I've had a hard time making new in-person friends since college, and college was a LONG time ago. The best way for me seems to be to find groups of people to do activities and then friends seem to form out of that. But lately I've been so overwhelmed that it's been difficult to take on new things.
I do keep fantasizing about taking classes at the Aikido studio down the street. I'm also toying with trying out the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families meeting that I discovered really close to me. I'm not really into 12-step, but I'm going through rough shit with my fam and thought it might be helpful. A friend of mine decided he wanted to make more friends as well, so he's been going to mycology (mushroom hunting) meetings and also a beekeeping group.
Another friend of mine keeps suggesting that I start meetup groups myself. I'm like, geez I've never even attended one, but there are several spiritual meetup groups in the area that I could try out.
We all would probably do well to review some of the friend-making videos on this channel. The interview with the Surgeon General was quite inspirational in this regard. I hope you find some support soon.
What is social support?
I'm alone too and often wish I could find others interested in becoming supportive but I can't so instead I have four dogs and a cat and I'm my own support system!
I'm very dependable!
❤
bro unleashed that Indian accent 6:45
@@scrambledsocks9295 facts 😂🔥💯
@@scrambledsocks9295 his parents subconsciously entered his mind
This is invaluable knowledge. It simultaneously explains and debunks the common advice you always get out there of "Don't think and just do it bro!", despite the "just doing it" part most likely having come after a long time of reflection and possibly self loathing.
This 💯💯💯
The odd thing is that letting go is focusing which actually leads to just doing it.
This video is very confusing and complicated, can you explain with an example what exactly I have to gain self control for example over pornography and exercise ?
@@mihirshinde1706dont try to find any logic or argue with yourself because your problem is emotional. Its normal if you dont understand you just have to feel like explained in the video.
You will not "understand", you will "realise" by the experience itself and this idea is what yoga teaches us.
@@mihirshinde1706what does it feel like to give in ? Etc...
This is so interesting, I had so many people who are older than me telling me that the only way to self control is through "stress", which is completely backward but also makses sense. Stress is cause us to panic and go all in on the things we've been procrastinating, which feels like self-control, stress will also disable "real self-control", which is what causes stress in the first place.
When I saw my first video from you, I was like: "no way this is for free." so I am so happy that you have a sponsor now. Words can not describe how much I appreciate you and your work. I was lost and haven't even know it, my life improved so much from that time and there are still miles to go and I am so for it. It still isn't easy but at least it's simple. Thank you so much Alok Kanojia, you are the man.
Now I am thinking, how does ADHD interact with this?
@@procrastinathor4594 Basically everything that comes with losing self control x 10. It actually becomes easier to fight it, since a lot of things come with ADHD, both good and bad.
this video is literally life changing. thank you so much. i am in a really dark place and have no means to get therapy and this video gave me a new direction where i saw none. i will never be grateful enough. thanks
💪💪💪
How's it going now?
Holy shit, it's like you read my mind. I don't normally write comments, but this video comes at a perfect timing for me and is truly eye-opening. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since I quit weed and yesterday was the hardest to stay away from it. Day 1 to 3 were tough, but day 10 I was really struggling with the thought of taking it. I was literally fighting that internal battle 4 to 5 times within a few hours and keeping track of it in the back of my mind. That is when my emotional awareness took over and I realized was feeling deeply sad and lonely, which was an experience that I haven't felt a long while to such a degree. I watched youtube video after youtube video until at one moment I thought "screw this" and took a few minutes to watch the sunset out of my window( tbf, I live in a pretty lovely environment, lots of mountains and woods). Feeling the heat of the last sunshine of the day and just taking a few minutes to look into the distance really calmed me down. A few hours later I basically binged a whole anime season, which I hadn't done in a sober state for quite a while and it felt amazing. The thought of getting high again appeared in my mind and I took a few minutes break from watching to deal with my internal state again. I was stressing about some work related stuff that I had to deal with today and having to wake up early for it, which made me feel uneasy as I got up pretty late that day and I knew I wouldn't be able to go to bed on time, so I knew I would not get enough sleep. Having processed that, I thoroughly enjoyed the last episodes of my anime and went to bed with a pretty calm mind lol. Actually everything went pretty well today and it wasn't half as bad as expected, I got everything done that I wanted to.
Long story short, I felt the internal process of what you're describing in the video for the first time even though I have known about the emotional awareness procedure for half a year. But only now after admitting to myself that I had to quit weed to truly reach my potential and feel fulfillment in life is when I finally felt what I logically understood months ago for the first time. The road ahead is still very long and there is a lot of stuff I want and need to do, but making the first steps felt very reassuring.
Thanks Dr K for yet another great video and for everyone who read until here! I hope you guys are doing well and I wish lots of strength for whatever it is you are going through!
Amazing comment. I am also dealing with a similar struggle. Been unemployed for a few months and the process of getting a new job in addition to just being home all the time made me really depressed. It’s been an emotional crutch for me and just something to do to pass the time. I’ve been trying to quit but this video helped me understand how I can attempt quitting again
@@Sonyemman97 hey man, thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Yup, passing the day is a great way to put it. I was so bored and isolated that I just took it mindlessly in the afternoon/evening. Hang in there, it will be tough but as soon as the decision comes from within and you truly feel the need to change it will only be a matter of time. I used a week of holydays after a few stressful months to start, I kind of just woke up one day and wanted to stop. I hope I can stay strong when the thoughts get darker again. Wish you all the best mate!
This video is very confusing and complicated, can you explain with an example what exactly I have to gain self control for example over pornography and exercise ?
This video is so powerful. For the longest time I’ve had very severe “self control” issues in all aspects of my life. As I’ve gotten older and started to live an emotionally healthier lifestyle I’ve definitely noticed insanely positive changes in my ability to control myself in other areas of my life. I didn’t make the connection but wow I’m so glad I watched this video to see it. This is great encouragement to continue what I’ve been doing with regulating emotions so I can stay on this path of gaining better control. I can’t say enough how great this video is and how well everything was explained. Keep up the incredible work!
I'm historically a very anxious person, but have been gradually improving. I think a big part of it is that I've started to grasp a really deep concept that keeps popping up everywhere, and I think the lesson of this video is another expression of that same concept.
I called it a concept, but it's more of a feeling that I'm gradually getting more of a sense for. It's like this deep, relaxed state of mind where I'm able to really tune in and listen to whatever I'm focusing on at the moment. It's like I'm feeling more than thinking--I'm just present in the moment. Once I really manage to reach that state, there's a resultant, sublime sense of reassurance and calm. It's like I can trust myself in that moment because I'm alive and present and able to respond appropriately to whatever happens while I'm in that state.
I think the prerequisite for getting there is letting go of any external concerns in terms of eventual outcome, etc. With that, it becomes possible to relax and content oneself with accepting things as they come. Without it, I think there's a mental tenseness that makes it impossible to achieve presence of mind.
It's like a deeply liberating combination of detachment/relaxation and a driving sense of purpose/intentionality.
I first noticed it randomly as a vague, but growing feeling somewhere in my psyche a few months ago, and started to see it as a recurring pattern since then. For example, I find it critical when practicing Tai Chi, as well as playing really intricate/complex competitive games (like Melee).
I suspect it's the same thing great musicians tap into when playing, and the same thing meditation and Qigong techniques aim to achieve/strengthen.
Back to the video (lol), I think the point Dr. K is making is another expression of this same concept, specifically pertaining to the relationship between external stressors and self control.
Essentially, it seems to me that as long as your focus is on those external stressors, your ability to act intentionally and in accordance with all the elements of your current mental state is marred. But once you manage to let go of those external stressors to some degree, it becomes possible to be present within the landscape of your mind and act appropriately.
Some days I'm able to tap into it more than others. But I strongly feel that grasping this feeling on a broad/deep level is the antidote to anxiety and a key to life in general, and I hope I can nurture it in myself.
Thanks for reading my brain dump lol. Hopefully it's useful/interesting to some degree.
I played melee so I get it :'D
The zone.
It's really nice if your brain just can space out and at the same time you are fully aware of what is going on.
It's a good way to learn :)
Thank you for sharing!
Fantastic comment... you write beautifully. I recognize the truth of what you've said.
I've had a similar experience with anxiety. Right know I'm sometimes kinda weirded out that nothing bothers me that much ( becouse almost everything gave me anxiety before) and I attribute a lot of it to awareness and letting go of control. Trying new things and a lot of introspection and understanding yourself also help. It really makes you not care what comes in the future, because you believe you can take it head on.
Great comment!
The concept you're beautifully explaining reminded me of the way someone described the experience of "flow", it's a cool balance of calm yet intentional focus in the zone and it's a nice feeling to tap into.
The creator behind the video game Journey (Jenova Chen of thatgamecompany) did write a little thesis paper back when he was in college about "flow" as conceptualized by a certain psychologist with how he's designed stuff that's in the video games he's worked on. I managed to read a bit from the psychologist he was referring to and his thoughts on what he describes as a "flow state" was pieces together from studying folks from all sorts of disciplines and walks of life. Thank you for sharing this with us, hope you're enjoying the moment you got with you!
I used to (still kinda) have pretty bad anxiety but I know that feeling you’re talking about too. It really feels like those moments are the only moments where I’m actually living, free. It really feels like no matter what happens I’ll be good. And then the next day I feel like crap so who knows lol. Idk how to make it come up either it just does… but hopefully I can find a way to make it more consistent as well.
Did anyone else think it was Spider-Man reviewing potato chips at first glance?
Yeah 😂
yeah+1😂
This lines up incredibly well with ADHD scattered attention, and how meditation is an ADHD treatment. It gives us the capacity to revaluate and stay on task
Yeah and then theres practices like trataka which just plain trains your brain skill of focus and keeping effortless attention. Incredibly useful for ADHD and even better, its very easy practice to do with ADHD. Dr.K has a great vid about it: Meditation to Improve Focus
Self control is one of my best traits oddly. no phone addiction, no internet addiction, fasting diets, boringly enjoys looking at trees, okay let’s stop there.
This actually describes my experience with taking ADHD meds so well. It was not like the impulses to look at my phone, get up and hug my bf, or start thinking about a completely unrelated new topic just stopped existing, I was merely able to notice them first instead of impulsively acting on them. I literally had thoughts like "oh, I see a notification, I want to look at it even though I'm working on something." And then I was suddenly able to resist. It just added this "pause" before wanting to do something and doing it.
What medication?
Video starts @1:53
Now you are being nice
Found this comment on 1:54 😢
You funny 😂
I just got through a one month long intensive therapy program to help with my weed addiction; and this video just helped me understand why I just woke up one day feeling like I just want to stop for good and actually managed to do it; and more importantly, why I haven’t been able ‘just stop’ with my other vices yet. Thank you Dr. K I’ve been watching your videos throughout, and so much gratitude for you spreading all this valuable knowledge on mental health on the web. Much love from Canada.
I had to watch this a few times to really understand it and I think there's a part of the explanation that's missing at the end. I would say that increased awareness of the internal conflict improves the definition of the conflict. Remaining aware of the conflict and thinking about it clarifies both sides and going from "this annoys me" to a clearer version which looks like "this part of my life causes X amount of pain for Y amount of gain, and X is greater than Y, so it's not worth it" which I think is where the just do it part comes in. People who reach that level of clarity now have a clear view of both side and there's an obvious choice.
This is exactly what I was wondering about. Your input just clicked it for me. Thanks
thank youuuuu, you wrapped this nicely.
thanks i imagine two person inside i just watch both sides argue and theres always a clear winner and i go with that .
so how exactly does it help choosing the better option? i can be fully aware which option is clearly better but i still wont choose it
This is a good one!
00:00 🧠 The video discusses the science of self-control and evidence-based techniques to boost it.
00:16 🥦 The basic problem addressed is the struggle to engage in healthy habits and routines.
03:05 🧩 Revolutionary studies challenge the concept of self-control, suggesting it's more about conflict monitoring in the brain.
05:10 🧠 Self-control is not a fixed trait, but a diminishing resource that can be depleted.
06:44 🧘♂️ Meditation is an effective tool for improving self-control, as it enhances awareness of internal conflicts.
13:21 🧘♀️ Learning to regulate emotions is crucial for improving self-control, as emotional suppression can deplete it.
14:30 🌪️ Stress externalizes attention, reducing the capacity for self-control, but re-internalizing awareness can help mitigate this effect.
17:30 🚶♂️ Paying attention to internal conflict is the key to improving self-control, as it activates the conflict monitoring system in the brain.
Doing good work! I love commentators who itemize and time stamp the topics of videos!
Thanks for the AI-assisted timestamps OP!
what ai timestamp are you using?
W comment
Which Ai tool is it?
I always smile when I hear those who are Truth Seekers and then share it with all...some will listen others will not or can not...but then...those who did listen begin to share as well...and you see, the beauty just spreads like sunshine...Thanks Doc for your caring heart.
In my personal experience, the moment I realised, truly realised, that all my "vices" and unhealthy habits were either worsening my health and weight or losing me a lot of time, I could better control them. It took me a lot of time, but I figured out that drinking, the time spent drinking, and the time lost the next day from feeling tired and woozy, were all humongous barriers to any form of self-improvement, or even just limiting the things I could do throughout the day (chores I could get done or hobbies I could develop). For eating trash food and drinking soda, I simply started chugging water all day or just got some sliced meat to at least eat a bit more healthy if I was at work or outside.
Also realising that these habits were *actions* in of themselves, I just asked myself the question "Is it better to *put in effort* for a worse result or just abstain, do nothing, and be better off for it?"
The problem is when your vices actually have upsides, and the things you "need" to do are uncertain in whether they will actually be beneficial. Then, it becomes near impossible to be productive.
Ok
1. Emotion regulation and stress reduce our capacity of self control. There is a part of our brain called the anterior cingulate cortex, this is responsible for monitoring internal conflict. So when we stop monitoring our internal conflict = stop self controlling. Self control = capacity to monitor internal conflict. We only exert self control when there’s an internal conflict. As long as the conflict beings monitored, we will be in control.
2. Regulate our emotions = instead of suppress your emotion , which leads to shutting off that conflict monitoring, you should try less suppressing your emotion e.g. take a walk, journaling etc so you can finally focus on yourself instead of the problems.
3. Reduce Stress is not telling you to solve all your problems because it’s when you focusing on the problems, you are not paying attention to yourself, instead you should Reinternalize your awareness = e.g. pay attention to your hunger signal, pay attention to your fatigue. So whenever you feel stress out, take 15-20 mins to just check in with yourself, ask yourself how your feeling right now = increase awareness of the internal self = you will be boosting that conflict monitoring system in the anterior singulate cortex. Self control is self awareness = as long as you pay attention to your internal signals literally your self control will improve because the circuit are one and the same
4. What we subjectively experience as self control is different than what is actually going on in the brain = you nervous you feel like there’s butterfly in your stomach = if you kinda stop and think about the solution to get rid of the butterflies is not actually remove butterflies in your stomach, but it’s to address what’s actually going on in the brain = need to internalize your awareness when you stress out/ nervous = exert self control
5. Self control and your internal state ,specifically awareness conflict within you, is the same thing as self control. What to do is meditation because meditation all you doing is paying attention to your breath. Because self awareness and self control functions the same in our brain= awareness is control = the muscles of self control is the muscles of conflict monitoring. All you need to do is pay attention to your internal conflict and the more that you sit with that conflict the more you will be able to exert control
6. Every person who decided to just do it, all of that just doing it was preceded by a very high awareness of internal conflict
So basically if you can’t do something yet is not you have no self control, it is just your internal self telling yourself you don’t really want to do it. When you want to do it, you will. Just like the addict, he will never get sober if he doesn’t want to, once he wants to, he will be sober.
You have no idea how much I needed this today. Just wanted to say thank you.. From all of us. Hope you enjoy your spiritual retreat!!
Why did this thumbnail make me think Spiderman was trying to give up potato chips?
My main problem is that i am still actively fighting myself even while im doing the behavior. I will feel the urge to get on my phone come on, I will grab my phone and start scrolling, and the entire time before I got on my phone and the entire time I am scrolling im constantly in my head screaming at myself to stop, but its as if my hands move automatically. I lose but i never really give in. I fight the behavior while still engaged in it despite not being able to win. Im always thinking mid scroll, "I want to stop right now, why cant I stop scrolling, why can't I get my hand to stop scrolling". I usually end up having to have something like a fit of rage and throw my phone across the room in order to stop myself. Whats also weird is im usually out of breath afterward too despite not doing anything physically.
@@kingofbears6999 i think that’s more to do with the dopamine reward system and your hands moving automatically is caused by the dopamine your phone is producing. i don’t know much about it but it seems to be really interesting
Not bad! The anatomy of control is "Start-Change-Stop". Decide to start an action, perform the action, finish the action. It also goes as you say: be aware of the annoying act, continue being aware of the annoying act, choose not to perform the annoying act. Thank you for your hard work!
I want to add something to this video, that I think might help who are now trying to become more aware of their inner conflict. I coincidently did a Meditation retreat two weeks ago, where I was taught Anapana ( becoming aware of your breath) and Vipassana ( Body-scan basically). There are two keys to those meditation
1) Awareness, its sharpness and descriptiveness ( also if you have trouble sensing or identifying your emotions I highly recommend listening to your body first, before rumanating over it in your brain)
and the one I want to highlight
2) Equianimity, how you confront, deal with and relate to the sensations, feeling, thoughts.
It is important not to avoid, force, argue, be frustrated or elated, crave anything that comes up during your meditation. You observe it, just observe it, like a scientist would its experiment. You try not to feed into it or try to stray away from it, you just be there and observe, not averting your eyes or focusing on anything in particular.
The reason for equianimity is that we don't want to overcharge, or flee from anything that comes up, because that in away is also going away from awareness and feeds directly or indirectly the emotion instead of holding it in awareness.
This has helped me realize my addiction to a certain stimuli. I thought if I just suppress it’ll go away, which seemed to make the problem worse but now I’m learning to just be aware of it and that makes a huge difference.
I feel an energy inside of me being free rather then being controlled or restricted. I can feel a change coming! Thank you 🙏🏽
This was exactly how I stopped drinking energy drinks years ago. I had an internal conflict about the negative effects of it over and over for weeks and then one day I just completely stopped. Thank you for explaining it, it was very insightful!
i didn’t have the self control to finish this video
If we consider emotional dysregulation to be a core symptom of ADHD, I wonder if impulsiveness is caused by that rather than it being a core symptom itself.
Duh
Maybe gabor mate is interesting for you.
Bro.. paying attention to the conflict actually works
!!!❤ Thanku soo much mann
This paired with the FOMO video really helps. In fact, just the other day I stopped myself from buying a large latte when I just noticed "oh right now I feel bored and I want the excitement that comes from the coffee".
Then I just didn't go :*
The internalized monitoring worked!!
Having this gem of a video for free should be illegal honestly, mind blowing and life changing. You’re awesome.
I seem to feel better after praying about the feelings I'm experiencing and my internal conflict, I'm able to fully express myself and really dive deep into why i feel the way I do.
Same with me. I know I can tell Jesus everything I feel, even my deepest abyss. Very often I experience something like questions arising in my heart during these prayer-times - like: „why do you feel that way?“ or: „when did it start?“. It’s not like hearing words, it’s more like an inner knowing. Then I sometimes get into a kind of mental state where it’s like as if I can see myself and my situation from outside or above. It’s a shift of perspective…..What is needed for this? Absolute honesty and a time of silence . The result is inner peace and a clear mind.
man this talk is so important, yet free, people should seek more this kind of content...
I just read about the process model of ego depletion in my Self Psychology class in undergrad! I really appreciate that you were able to take the findings and help me figure out how to really put them to use :)
"The crappier your life is emotionally the more likely you are to give into bad behaviours. When do you need comfort when there is badness in heart." Truth always hurts
I used to go to the supermarket to look for 1 item, and when I didn't find that item, I'd buy something else that I never intended in the first place.
As soon as I saw this phenomenon described somwehere, I became more aware of this behaviour, and now I do not buy anything that I don't require anymore.
Good on you 🎉
It becomes easier once you understand that you are sharing your body with your cells. You want something but your cells wants something completely different.
Well said! This makes sense to me because I always felt like I could sort of meditate as I went through life and I didn’t need to formally sit down and focus on breathing. I felt that time spent just thinking was really valuable.
Yep, introspection and being in tune with your internal state/emotions. People who are reflective generally have great self-control. Understand yourself and you will figure out the rest.
Dr. K's analogy about 'numbing' actually support the idea that awareness is self control
There's nothing revolutionary here. It's really really simple, and the oldest knowledge that we don't apply. Self knowledge is the beginning of everything, just seek it and all the rest comes.
I feel like this even applies to changing people opinions on things. You can’t really change them, but you can give people reasons, make them aware of things and issues and eventually it’ll click and they’ll have changed their opinions.
This was honestly life changing information. THANK YOI!!!
So, what is the "self"?
The "other me" that we talk with to get things done,
Is it inner speach?
is it a character we created in our minds?
A good relationship with your "self" is so valuable.
I do think depression and anxiety are related to a highly active inner monologue, constantly ruminating about the past or future
Dr K can read my mind
He at least read a lot about our minds.
Funny you say it that way. He's basically telling us that we need to learn to read our own minds in this video 😅
Ikrr? 🫡 @@straygoat4366
Kinda his job
I've always had affirming situations that the unconscious collective is a real thing, and a driving force behind social change or patterns of information gathering in communities, in general.
I love how excited you get about this dr k, ive recentlu dived deep into your channel here and its making my life better. Im becoming more self aware, actually making long over due change, and seeing myself increment the way ive wanted to. Thank you for simplifying things as much as possible. From this 45 year old opiate addict(sober 10 years now), single au-dhd Mother of one, i am eternally grateful for your efforts and time invested here.
Much love
Literally one of the most valuable creators on this platform. Thank you for all you have given!
I have never went to therapy and I have been struggling regulating my emotions for about 7 years while coping with depression and anxiety. Its no wonder my self control is so low as Ive been trying to suppressed these feelings all these years. Thank you for this 🙏🏽
Dr. K, I just wanna let you know that your guidance and interpretations regularly open up my perspective and I’ve benefited greatly since finding your channel. Thank you for doing what you do. 😊
Yeah i have been meditating for 3 days straight and it works.. I am suddenly having more self control.. Loved ur explanation ❤❤
A follow up video applying this concept to ADHD would be really interesting.
Agreed.
My experience with executive dysfunction is often one of exerting myself mentally in order to brute force myself through it and push past the fatigue and inertia. Needless to say, this isn't very effective and I will try and begin doing something like what has been described in this video, as it seems to be dramatically less difficult.
I am aware that I have developed a level of alexithymia (difficulty in interpreting, feeling, or experiencing emotions in the moment) due to my need to suppress my emotions in order to avoid the negative attention that has resulted from the difficulties I've had in regulating my emotions, so it will be more challenging for me than it could be for others, but there's nothing to lose when it comes to trying to reconnect with those severed neural connections because it's really only resulted in me exchanging one type of pain for another that I don't really know how to express and never leaves me.
ADHD is made up. Just giving people speed to function properly
Wow. Loved your energy. Just being aware of your thoughts and feelings can give you so much control. It works 100%. I just watched another TED Talk on secrets of self control and literally the key was to observe and be aware of your thoughts. I was craving a smoke at the time and when I said to my self " Im noticing im having a thought that im craving a smoke" the impulse diminished and I didn't smoke.
This is amazing Dr. I love the specific and simple explanation of your videos, they are great quality! I am excited to put this into practice, I can't thank you enough. Thank you for what you do~
Amazing explanation! I still don’t understand how I got where I am though. To clarify:
I work, go to school, and my self control goal is to get in shape before graduation.
I Work 6 days a week, school 5 of those days, with a 2hr total commute on school days.
I’m busy (forced by external schedule) between 5am-4:30pm, I get home at 4:30pm and “settle in” before I start working out (4 school days a week) Around 7pm I’ve ate and showered. Then I have to complete 3-4hrs worth of online school assignments/lectures. If I sit down and think about what I need or how I’m doing: I’m exhausted, sore, drained, and have cravings for junk food… but I can’t just stop and “take care of myself” bc that forfeits my goal to workout/get in shape that I have struggled with for 6 consecutive years, this is the longest I’ve been consistent [3+ months]. I have “before” photos I’ve taken every year for about 5 years straight bc of every failed attempt, as proof 💀
I literally want to cry. I’m an addict for 11 years and I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Your explanation in this video makes so much sense. I know I’m gonna win eventually.
Thank you K.
Thank you. Started my journey this last year and i got this exactly when i needed it... The yogis, researchers, people like you giving it their all. Giving back every day i can now ^_^
I have to say, this video was really incredible. I had to pause and go back about 20 different times as I took hand written notes to cement this into my brain. Hearing the science behind this concept of self control really helped contextualize a lot of things I've been working on for a long time and have just recently started having success with (although the journey is far from over) What you said at the end was absolutely spot on about people just "doing it" because it's exactly as you described. It's only after cycles and cycles of awareness practice that you can one day just do it.
this makes sense to me... when I was kid, I thought being positive is the best. so I tried to ignore my negative emotions but It didn't work. but I noticed that when I become angry and I write my negative emotions to papers... (or talk to myself) It actually calmed myself.
I truly appreciate your videos. They really help me out. Have a great week Dr. K
could you make another video strictly on HOW to increase self awareness? you brushed over doing things like walking, journaling, or seeing a therapist, but I'm still not clear exactly what I need to be thinking about or looking for
does anybody else notice this man streams his own streams of consciousness, he doesnt read script and only looks away to collect his thoughts and to share his screen amazing man.
That's normal for gifted people.
As a doctor he ain't got time for that.
Every jump cut is an opportunity for him to review his script. There are many jump cuts in the video. He speaks well, and he might be right, but this isn't stream of consciousness.
His amazing, but he stated multiple times that he is able to speak so well to camera because he writes the scripts before and also advised that to all
I hope to end my porn addiction with this info, it's not about fighting with yourself, it's about looking at yourself
Gambarre Gambarre 🎉
Meditate for one hour a day. If you’re too busy to meditate…two hours. The being well podcast referenced Dr. K today. Thanks healthy gamer team and Dr. K. Y’all are doing good work!
So youre saying if we dont have the time, we actually need to meditate more?
@@FIFAxGUNNER that's the point - everyone "has the time" but the people (like you and me and millions of others) who don't think they actually have the time, need meditation the most.
Hard to understand but try to sit with that, or even better, talk to others about this idea about how it doesn't make sense...
then afterwards, talk about how it DOES/CAN make sense
Yeah but not everyone has that luxury of time. We have to survive, keep up with our connections, and god forbid chase goals that are outside of our career situation.
“Stop saying you don’t have time” really pisses me off. It’s capitalist propaganda to get you to do more stuff on top of what it demands of you already
@@zekielrodriguez5229I hear what you're saying but at the same time MOST people DO have one or two hours a day to devote to meditation or exercise, they just don't because it's difficult and not a priority. If you didn't watch this TH-cam video today you would've had 20 minutes to meditate. You have the time. You watched TH-cam instead. Get off TH-cam and onto a meditation mat. Stop making excuses, it only hurts yourself. Doesn't hurt me if you convince yourself you don't have time to meditate. Doesn't hurt anybody but you.
@zekielrodriguez5229 I guarantee you don't work 24/7 and use entertainment here and there, so I'm sure u have time
I think this also ties in with procrastination.. when something feels stressful, we want to avoid it and do something else instead and stop thinking about it. Awareness goes out the window, and with it self control, and then the whole day is gone...
This is one of the things I learned from Headspace meditation. Dont try to suppress thoughts, but let them come and go. Noting whether they are good, bad, or neutral. Don't fight yourself in your mind.
Thanks so much for this eye open content shared doctor k
When I suddenly started studying for a random diploma, I had a hard time focusing on it. I wanted to play videogames so badly. I was so used to come back from work to just play games.
The "internal conflict" talk was so spot on. Sometimes I need to stop for a moment and argue with myself to convince me on why I'm trying to exert self control in the first place.
What helped me study at peace was to either (1) separate a whole day to focus on gaming, and (2) make studying more fun/interesting. Once you find the enjoyable side of something, you suddenly stop thinking so hard about how much you want to be done with it ASAP.
Almost no self control was needed once I was set on not gaming for the day, or once I started focusing on the interesting side of that subject I was studying (even if I had to go a bit schizo sometimes, taking notes in a "gaming" slang just to make it a bit more engaging.)
That makes no sense. Setting a goal is easy but adhering to it is what requires willpower and self control. I tried too many times to set a goal or plan then to not follow through.
I don't know whatever made me click on a channel called HealthyGamer, but ever since that first video I have literally been binging your content for days because you were helping me understand my son and giving me hope. I forwarded one of your videos to him, hoping he would pay more attention to the word Gamer in your channel name than the word Trauma in the title. He won't probably watch it, but at least I feel you have helped me, and indirectly him as well. Thank you for what you do. Truly unique and valuable content.
You look like Skyler White
I never took cold showers to get into the habit of doing things that suck. I take cold showers because Andrew Huberman said they give a large dopamine spike with a very slow and steady decline, and properly regulating dopamine is an important issue for me.
I also tend to feel great after taking them, especially right after exercising.
I don't think that adding extra dopamine spikes to your life will regulate dopamine in any way:D
@@PedroColetta-f1q thanks. I'm not sure what you mean though by "we don't even know what it is." As far as I know, we do know what dopamine is.
This is so true. The way I got myself to go to the gym regularly was by paying attention to how my body and mind felt. I noticed that when I was sedentary for days on end, my body hurt and felt weak and I would start to feel sad and powerless. But when I went to the gym I would feel energized and capable. Then any time I felt the internal conflict of "I should go to the gym but I don't want to" I would think about how bad it feels to not exercise and how proud I feel of myself when I do exercise, then the decision would be easy.
This was extremely helpful for me and calmed down a lot my anxiety. I made a decision to try two things based on this video. 1) Because of how I was raised, I keep my feelings to myself, and don't stand up for myself. Nothing convinced me more to stop doing that than being aware that that's literally destroying my focus. So last night I decided to tell my roommate when he was being sexist and not allow him to insult my intelligence. I think my tone (not angry, just sarcastic/playful) is what made it successful. I'm going to keep doing this and pointing out when I feel people are being problematic instead of keeping it inside. My hope is I can train people to change their behavior toward me by challenging it and not just taking it all on the chin.
2) I am going to try journaling. I used to have a lot of time for self-reflection when I was a kid, and time constraints and the easy dopamine fix of hitting the internet replaced that time. I'm up early and gokng to try morning pages.
They’d only change if they want to. You can’t make people change their behavior.
The issue IS that I’m ALWAYS aware of my internal conflict. Rumination. Flight of ideas.
Look up Nick Wignall's video on how to Stop Ruminating. It's super helpful in a practical way like Dr. K's videos are. Dr. Wignall is also a clinical Psychologist
I would think another effective strategy is structuring your life in a way that doesn't require as much self control or monitoring your internal struggle. For example if you want to stop eating so many cookies at home, I would think instead of fighting that internal struggle of wanting a cookie that sitting on the kitchen counter all the time. The easiest way is would be to make them invisible. Either get rid of them completely or hide them in a place that you need to intentionally go to if you decide you actually want a cookie instead of the impulse of seeing them on the counter.
ya i also think reducing the stimuli helps . or putting some barrier in place to increase the effort in between . thanks for the comment .
The science behind the anterior cingulate cortex blew my mind. Who knew self-control was so deeply rooted in monitoring conflict?
17:17 quick answer ( for the people who are distracted and cant sit through this video)
there was a LOT going on in my life about half a year ago. i was stressed and struggling to keep up with studies. as soon as i started journaling, my awareness of my own emotions became so clear and easy to understand. this video just explained why it worked so well
this video ended up explaining a lot about adhd as well. i'll be sure to use this in the future.
5:09 diminishing resource
more u exert
things that diminish self control:
5:58 emotional regulation
6:22 stress
7:59 capacity to monitor internal conflict
lose control when stop paying attention to the battle
conflict monitoring is self control
suppress internal awareness , loose capacity of self control
12:48 more emotion to suppress, more likely to bnot hv self control
13:20 learn to regulate ( walks, therapy, journaling)
13:52 reinternalize awareness ( how am i feeling?)
increase internal awareness
meditation, paying attention to internal conflict
Okay so whats the difference between awareness of this internal conflict and ruminating or being stuck in your head and becoming indecisive? Yeah it is self control, and manifests as physical self control eventually, but what about when we're not there yet and need to make a decision "now"?
Probably the best advice Ive ever heard on discipline
NO CITATIONS: I love this channel, but I would love it even more if all those claims of studies having shown something, there would be actual citations and references so we could take a look at the sources ourselves.
1. Don't suppress your self it will get thing worse because you're are not listening to your self
2. When you feel stressed out go take a walk and pay attention to want you're feeling
ANDD that's why mediation is a good idea when you want to improve awareness.
We appreciate how well you've articulated your own insights on this matter. Keep up the good work.
This might be the most eye opening thing I have seen in my 22 years of life. Thank you so much for posting this
You should really cite your sources. I'm not doubting you or anything but you should really do it.
Totally agree
Unless you have access to academic journals/archives you won't be able to look at those sources. So why do you care?
Almost any undergraduate have access, even if that wasn't the case I can read the abstract and know he didn't make things upe
@@geordiejones5618 ? Bad take
He is literally a head doctor.
He is the source.
Or do you go to a medical professional and after they tell you your ear is infected you ask them to cite a source?
I found a way that enables me full self control. All of the time. Too valuable to share... gives me too much of an edge in this competitive world.
Dr. Andrew Huberman did a great podcast episode on this. If possible, I'd love to see you on his podcast!
I was thinking exactly that
do you remember which episode?
@@jasmyne8502 The second most recent one.
@@jasmyne8502 tenacity and willpower
I thought of him when he mentioned cold water showers