www.heidipriebe.com Attachment Styles & The Drama Triangle Part 1: • Attachment Styles & Th... Attachment Styles & The Drama Triangle Part 2: • Attachment Styles And ...
Great distinction. There is one little piece of nuance in this that I would like to mention. Sometimes, if people grow up in abusive environments that are always rationalized away, there is a period in their development when they need feedback and validation that the treatment they experienced then --and similar treatment they may still be allowing to continue in other relationships now--is harmful, not okay, and something they shouldn't be expected to endure. Seeing other people get mad on their behalf shows them, for the first time in their lives, that it is safe and valid for them to have boundaries and standards and to protect themselves. It's a stage of development where people need support, modeling, and guidance, and although not everyone is going to want to sign up to provide that (a therapist is most qualified), it can't be skipped. Then, over time, as you said, we need to develop the capacity to make sense of our own experience and set boundaries for ourselves.
"if people grow up in abusive environments that are always rationalized away, there is a period in their development when they need feedback and validation that the treatment they experienced then --and similar treatment they may still be allowing to continue in other relationships now--is harmful, not okay, and something they shouldn't be expected to endure. Seeing other people get mad on their behalf shows them, for the first time in their lives, that it is safe and valid for them to have boundaries and standards and to protect themselves. It's a stage of development where people need support, modeling, and guidance" ----I can't articulate how helpful this was to read. THIS explains things for me. Thank you!
Thank you for adding this - this is a very important point and something a lot of therapists miss. They want clients to go straight to 'healed behaviours' without understanding there's a transitional stage that the therapist needs to facilitate.
@@manicpixiedreamgirl7930 it will be hard but try writing it first and then you will have better understanding of emotions. You can definitely share your feelings after writing those in your journal and believe me it will be much better. You will have much better and clear understanding of your thoughts and feelings.
I would say don't share. People never like to listen to me yet I'm expected to listen to all their drama. I have just accepted this reality. Yeah it sucks!
This has basically ruined my closest friendship, along with a lot of other unhealthy things going on within that dynamic. It’s sad to lose someone so close but like, I actually feel a lot better now that we’re no longer talking. That relationship was literally taking up every single bit of mental and emotional energy I had. We were on the phone CONSTANTLY and she had an anxious attachment style that I was trying to accommodate so I ended up having no social life at all bc I was always on the phone with her and it was just a never ending cycle of back and forth emotional dumping. Very exhausting.
A year or two ago, I also lost a close friendship because the dynamic within the relationship was incredibly unhealthy. I'm still stuck on it and I'm trying to figure out how to move on. It hurts to have to walk away from a relationship when you still have a lot of care for the other person. Friendship breakups deserve way more attention from the world at large, because they're really hard.
"Don't share details, share your feelings." You are speaking pure wisdom. THANK YOU SO MUCH for breaking it down like this! Sorry this is so long, but I hope it will add something helpful for someone. I wouldn't have been ready for this a couple years ago. I had a lot of detailing to do. I was that one year old looking to my parent (aka: my partner, my friends and my counselor) for confirmation on my own feelings. I was just that lost. There's no getting around that stage in the process. I wish there was, because I lost my partner due to all the trauma dumping I did. Constantly bombarding him with details of how my mom was emotionally damaging me and constantly looking to him to tell me how to feel about it and what to do about it. Then spiraling into hypervigilant anxiety leading to depressive crashes when he wouldn't or couldn't mirror my emotions. It was exhausting to both of us. All this constant "my mom did this" and "my mom said that." I was using him as a sounding board and a shield. I needed to draw out HIS feelings about MY mother issues in order to get the nerve to set boundaries with my mother, because I was so afraid that MY feelings were invalid. I was afraid to share my own feelings without all kinds of back-up validation from him. I was afraid of harsh criticism, judgment, rejection, and being ignored, gaslit, smeared, and manipulated- having my own emotions used against me, like I'd experienced so much in the past. As a result, being vulnerable was just something I could not do properly. I thought trauma dumping was the same thing as being vulnerable. Now I see it wasn't. If it was just pure vulnerability I don't think it would have pushed him away. There is a lot of projection that goes on in trauma dumping. That's no fun for the person taking the brunt of it. I regret putting him through that but I can't change the past. I can only be grateful to him for trying to endure my trauma dumping for as long as he could. I've done a lot of counseling and DBT over the past few years. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can listen to and trust my own feelings and intuition. And share appropriately. Or at least catch myself if I'm slipping and stop trauma dumping. I'm more aware now and more mindful about it. I think at first it's nescessary to give details if you have been so gaslit that you don't know which end is up. Ideally a counselor would be best to share the details with, but unfortunately counseling isn't always accessible. In any case, detail sharing is a nescessary phase, but the ultimate goal is to get past that phase. "Don't share details, share your feelings" is a perfect rule to remember, for me at this stage. There does come a time when we need to stop focusing so much on the details of other people's offenses and allow ourselves to explore and honor how we feel about it. Also just how we feel about regular things in daily life. I use to walk through life as if I was pleading my case and collecting evidence to defend myself at all times. But I don't need to document everything anymore. When it comes to how something or someone is affecting me, *how I feel and what I think matters.* What a revolutionary concept to someone whose feelings have been systematically belittled and invalidated. I don't need to keep receipts on everything to prove anything to anyone. I know what I know, I feel what I feel, and that's basically good enough for me. I think this actualization is what my counselor has been patiently trying to draw out of me this whole time. (The old classic: "How does that make you feel?" 😂) It's such a process to get there! But so worth it!!
This is FASCINATING. I made a personal 'rule' a few years ago that I wouldn't let people emotionally dump on me, but I had no idea what it was and I thought it was just a way that I, personally, am not able to support people. What kept happening - I realize now - is people would tell me this one-sided story, just like you said, and then expect me to go "that b*tch!" or some variation of that. Instead, I would inquire about what the possible motives might have been for this other person's behaviour, and wonder if maybe the person telling the story was making faulty assumptions. Basically, I would try to get the full, balanced story, leaving my friend feeling as though I'm defending some stranger instead of supporting my friend. Eventually I started cutting people off when they emotionally dump on me, and telling them that I can't give them the response they're looking for, but if they want to tell me how they FEEL about what's going on, I'll listen to that. Never had anyone take me up on that offer, and it still leaves people feeling like I'm not supporting them, but I've found they accept that boundary and move on pretty quickly. Watching this video, I'm realizing that when people do this, I feel manipulated. And apparently that's for good reason! But I'm EXCEPTIONALLY sensitive to even the slightest whiff of manipulation and I react really negatively to it. So it's no wonder I don't like it when people emotionally dump on me like this. Moving forward, though, I think this video has given me some tools to better navigate these scenarios and maybe communicate with my friends better about what I can and can't provide for them. I guess it's not some failing in me after all, but an intolerance of someone else's unhealthy behaviour. That's a pretty incredible realization. Thank you for explaining this so clearly.
I feel this exact same way about a situation with a trauma dumping friend. Thank you so much for your comment and for helping me realize it wasn’t some fault in me that was making me feel uncomfortable supporting this person!
Now think of what it means for people who were emotionally neglected in childhood and couldn't learn to do this ego function themselves. It's building this skill from scratch.
In my experience, when someone emotionally dumps on me, Im more stressed and leave the conversation more exhausted, because I felt like there was less I could do, the the problem was greater than what I could handle. If the person shared their emotional experience, I was able to help the singular person in front of me, I felt more helpful and less stressed about my ability to provide to someone I care about.
I am reminded of something I learned years ago! Ask permission to throw up, you just want to throw up everything that had just happened to and with you! Claim it as throwing up, ask your friend if they can emotionally move out of the way of your barfing the story. Ask if they can nod or listen and what they can CHOOSE to do with their time? Ask permission, give the listener a minute to check in with themselves, and decide if it's a good time or not. Stops holding a hostage on both parts. Allows your throwing-up person to bring into awareness they are throwing up and you are a listener for a minute to be by someone's side and basically hold their hair out of the way.
Yes!!! It is a feeling of being held hostage when someone just starts barfing w/o checking in first. I'm really appreciative if someone has the wherewithal to know what they are doing and own it and be able to manage themselves around it instead of using me as their trashcan or toilet or parent. It's a position I really hate being in.
It never even crossed my mind that people should ask you before throwing everything in your face. As I've heard, it supposedly makes you a terrible friend to refuse to listen if they come to you. 🤷
@@uMaud Yes, I think many people assume that but I think that comes from an enmeshment or co-dependent perspective. Boundaries are important and being able to say "I'm uncomfortable" (no matter the reason) is important. If that breaks the friendship then maybe it just wasn't a good fit in the first place.
This is SO enlightening, and an absolute minefield of a concept when as a child and young adult you weren't taught or allowed to have any emotional reaction to anything at all. It's confusing and difficult for me to learn how to process my feelings without using other people as a mirror, and I've definitely done my fair share of dumping without realising any of this. In fact I felt more like I'd make people uncomfortable by expressing my internal experience or getting visibly emotional. I'm working on it, and videos like this really help!
This is incredibly helpful and eye opening. I realize that I have been guilty of dumping. However, much of this has been due to being unsure whether my perception and interpretation of a situation is accurate. I know how I feel about it, but am I being unreasonable for setting these boundaries? When you have been systematically isolated and gaslighted for your entire childhood and most of your adult life, how do you know if your expectations are reasonable, or if you are being the asshole? These are probably questions for therapists rather than friends.
Good therapists are not really supposed to tell you how you're supposed to feel about things. I think in these cases, good friends are a godsend because they will stand up for you in a way that a therapist can't. Keep in mind that your friends are not objective, but they can be really helpful.
I think that's different from emotional dumping, because you're trying to figure out what is going on. "So, when I said this, he told me that I was being emotionally manipulative. He says I do that a lot. But I don't think I manipulate people. On the other hand, I do try to read the room, and if he's in a bad mood, I don't ask him to do things, but if he's in a good mood, I ask. Is that being manipulative? I can kind of see it like that. I am actually pretty good at influencing people, and I make them feel better and I can get a bunch of people to get along. I always thought that was a good thing, but maybe I'm not doing it for their benefit, but more because I don't like conflict and I prefer it when people get along. It is easier to be playful and get kids to brush teeth and do other things like that, but maybe I should be letting them develop self discipline and do things that aren't fun without trying to make them fun. Maybe I'm doing the kids a disservice, all because I want a pleasant evening now. On the other hand, he thinks that crying is an attempt at manipulation, even if I go to another room. But even though I'm not really an easy cryer, sometimes I can't help it. It doesn't seem fair to ban a whole natural bodily function like that. But I can see what he means, of course he wants me to feel better and that could put unfair pressure on him. What do you think? Have you noticed that I'm manipulative? Please be honest." It's not trying to get a certain reaction, you're asking for help trying to figure reality out.
@@er6730 I think this is still emotional dumping, because as I read this, it seems like you're trying to get me to validate that you're not manipulative... Which actually sounds kind of manipulative and if you're with the wrong friend, they might actually decide that you are and end up wrecking you.
@@ashleycnossen3157 I disagree. If the person is open to feedback, whatever the friend says in response will be welcomed. Of course the person hopes that the friend will say "no I've never thought that" but if the friend says "well, I have noticed a couple of times" then at least that's feedback. And yes, hopefully it's a trustworthy friend who will be both honest and kind. If it were an acquaintance, yes that seems like emotional dumping and asking for a certain answer. A true friend tells it like it is, and even if it hurts, the healing power of "yes, I've noticed your flaws, and I still like and accept you" makes unwelcome truth go down easier.
Oh my goodness! This is pure gold. I hate to admit it, but I’m a therapist who didn’t previously understand this distinction! Huge game changer! (What I love most about psychology is that no matter how much we learn, experience, and know, there’s always a ton more to learn, experience, and know. Thanks, Heidi. You’re my new “go to” source of wisdom.
Oh boi, this was a wild one. My old therapist was someone who was convinced that I had all the tools available to process my issues. The classic CBT approach. This led to me, an autistic, depressed, anxious 14 year old to express my feelings and it was like this well of pain that just did not dry. In hindsight: I was emotionally dumping for about 14 years. When I was 28 I realized I wasnt making progress, I was just feeling like an volitile deregulated drama queen. At the new practice, focused on autism, I was inmediately diagnosed with PTSD and received group therapy, CBT-like therapy, somatic therapy and I started doing yin yoga. The question of the day was: how am I _feeling_? And I notice that when talking to my parents, their first response also becomes *my* first response. When they reject my actions, I feel like a failure. While, if I look at it closer and think: was their first response justified or when I start to engage in conversation, the tone often mellows and it turns out it wasnt so bad. It is just that my parents respond pretty fucking terrible to unexpected things that dont have an inmediate sollution.
@@lbg5073 Thanks, the last year has been wild in that regard. I started with emotional processing and I discovered that I am only now learning on how I relate (and thus feel) towards situations, poetry, stories, etc. I have been practicing that for the last month or so and it helps so much with navigating situations. I still stand with the first responses of my parents though, I mostly relate to the situation with a mix of grief and compassion. It isnt anyone's fault per se, yet it requires a lot of strength to play my hand to the best of my ability. It helps that I no longer feel like it is my job to change others. It is my job to advocate for myself, with compassion, and bring compassion towards others. That makes things easier.
I needed this. I’ve been caught between understanding that I don’t feel good when I emotionally dump (I don’t usually feel that validation I’m craving and I feel bad for the friend I’m dumping on) and desperately still wanting vulnerability and authenticity in friendships. I get it now - I’m the problem, it’s me. I don’t share how I feel a lot of the times, I’m looking for my best friend to mirror the anger, hurt, pain, or (insert emotion) but I’m not actually processing the emotion WITH someone, I’m just dumping on them. I will be vigilant about this starting today! I’m hopeful this will actually allow me to have more openness/vulnerability with my friends!
I think part of the problem is when people assume that you are closer to them than you really are. I think friends should share & support each other, but I've had people, including my mother, confide in me and expect the kind of support that you would expect from a spouse. Also, this includes the over sharing with acquaintances problem. Overall, it's a fine line of what is being supportive vs. what is being a dumping ground. It can be very difficult to know the difference for both people, and the problem is that if there are no boundaries at the beginning, then it's assumed that it's part of the friendship to play therapist. But again, I think for both people, how do you know what is healthy sharing & support vs what is a kind of codependency
I love your work, but honestly I believe this misses the mark a bit. I believe this overlooks the experience of people that are in abusive relationships and are on the receiving end of gaslighting, something that can be extremely confusing and numbing. I agree it’s not as productive as sharing once you have enough emotional awareness, but we’re not born ready. there’s nothing wrong with sharing what you’re going through objectively in order to receive validation that it is ok to be upset about certain scenarios. I personally spent a couple years numb due to fear of losing an abusive partner. I didn’t share much of my experience with anyone at all, until in a one off therapy session, the therapist encouraged me to share with friends and family so I would get support and become less isolated by the abuse. Remember gaslighting aims to make people doubt their own emotions, so it’s a natural thing to disregard or not trust your own gut in these relationships. It was my “dumping” and my friends and family’s feedback that woke me up and slowly built in me the courage to stand up for myself. I personally don’t like labelling this as something negative. As I dealt with the conflict head on and walked away, I began the process of working on myself (which is actually how I discovered your channel) and realised I needed to “dump” each day a little less as my ego grew stronger once away from the abuse. Again: there’s nothing wrong with needing validation to wake up from a numb emotional state. I’m very grateful for the patience of my friends who heard me out until I was ready to be strong enough for myself. Validation from loved ones is exactly what I needed to break away from the abuse cycle.
I agree that there’s an exception to every rule and I’m certainly not insinuating here that the opposite of emotional dumping is keeping everything inside and saying nothing even when in a dire situation - just that if you consciously struggle with doing too much emotional dumping and notice yourself getting stuck in rumination loops, getting more centred in your emotional experience is often what breaks those loops.
@@heidipriebe1 thanks for the reply. :) I see your point, it’s valid and I certainly got value from the video. My suggestion is that we’re careful to place the focus on not repeating a pattern that is not serving us and/or is not productive anymore while not labelling the need for external validation as wholly negative. Depending on external validation indefinitely is of course not sustainable. But wanted to share that at times a little validation can help people get unstuck. :) Great fan of your work btw, thanks for all you do.
@@VictorCardosoMoraes I think we're in alignment there. External feedback can be a valuable thing and I imagine the points of view we were respectively expressing (me in the video, you in your original comment) were representative of two different extremes (relying only on external feedback vs not sourcing feedback at all), with the healthy medium lying in the middle.
Yes....the feedback I got while in an abusive relationship clarified the abnormal gaslighting and control I was experiencing. It was extremely valuable in helping me to break free. After seeing this video, I realize now that I haven't stopped dumping! Time for more healthy sharing...
So I think I do emotionally dump. But the way you are defining it- that dumping versus sharing has to do with whether or not you share your feelings about things, I'm not sure. I go through periods where I either feel pressing needs to reach out and talk to someone about the intense situation I'm going through because I feel like I need help processing what I'm feeling and what to do about it, and other periods where I feel like no one wants to hear about my problems, they feel overwhelming and I can never resolve them so I just try not to feel anything or talk to anyone about what I'm going through.
Same. Also its proven that talking things through helps you process and in the first 48 hours if a friend can help you and support you… that its act’s helpful.
Rumination is something I’ve struggled with. Until i started journaling more, it’s so tempting to just try to “solve” a deep problem right away, but that never works, feelings can’t be fixed but processed, though venting is ok if it’s timed. Sometimes I’ll give myself 30 mins feel a process feelings an air talk my feelings if I need to and be pissy if needed 😊
This is fascinating, I was aware of emotional dumping from group dynamic perspective as you shared and I have left groups for this reason. But I had not noticed the pattern about using facts. I was chatting in a group once and someone became very triggered by a psychologist I found helpful. They started throwing facts at me and would not let it go for almost an hour. They never said their opinion about why they didn’t like the psychologist, just lots of ‘facts’ written by other people. I informed them that I would not judge someone based on another person’s opinion of them, that is like gossip. If they could explain why they didn’t like the person I was happy to listen in an effort to understand them better. But I wasn’t going to engage in a conversation where they just wanted to manipulate my opinions to validate their world view. I was happy to agree to disagree. Well they totally lost it, and today I understand why it was so intense of a reaction. It must be terrifying to live in a world where you constantly need to have someone else validate that you are ok and tell you how you feel.
This one really resonated with me! I've noticed recently when I'm talking about relationships or interpersonal issues, staying too in the details of what happened and not focusing my experience doesn't feel right. Like it doesn't feel like healing. Having this mirrored with the baby falling over had me laughing out loud and feeling very childish. I'm so happy to have the language around that feeling, and I hope to notice when I'm dumping instead of sharing going forward 😁
I had the same thought! I started noticing this when I began therapy. I would find myself getting into the nitty gritty details of a situation and I realized that I was wasting time on the he said / she said” of it all! I think being in a formal setting where I’m paying to get healing helped me identify that I don’t really want to spend an hour detailing every think my husband said that pissed me off, and it wouldn’t help me heal. I still need to work on this in my personal relationships.
If anyone's doing this to you, don't let them guilt you into putting up with it. break contact with them and if they ask why, tell them it's because they are selfish with no regard for your own feelings.
PERFECT!!! I wish this podcast came along when I was attempting to manage a very large support group for estranged parents of adult children. A sizable percentage of the members used the group strictly as an emotional dumping ground. This seems to be the norm among the numerous estranged parents groups on FB, except for the one we’ve managed to create. Your podcasts have been a welcome asset to our members’ self-awareness, growth, healing, and self-worth. Thank you on behalf of the 80 moms from our group.
a bunch of estranged parents are covert or some other form of narcissism, of course they just show up to dump, they dont feel any accountability for how the child became estranged, they feel they are owed the world when in fact it is the complete opposite. i dont even understand why a narc parent would even be allowed at a support group, they are literally just doing it for attention.....
I've found this with FB support groups in general. It just seems to me people write long paragraphs about themselves and expect you to agree with them, that they've been wronged, the person that they're writing about is the bad person, etc. I've exited most of these groups for this exact reason. It's not helpful to be in groups where people just emotionally dump.
Heidi this is a godsend. I’ve been doing this for years and could never understand why I felt so bad afterward or what I was doing wrong, and this has helped me figure out soooo much. Thank you!!
My mind is blown right now. I’ve been doing this for a lot time. I feel like I owe my friends an apology. I just thought of it as venting but the example about the friend with relationship problems was me to a T. Can you do another video on this?
Thank you for putting this out there. I find it very helpful. I appreciate how you present in clear, relatable way and bring deeper understanding of what goes on in the weird world of emotions. I am glad I came across your channel as it has helped on more than 1 occasion.
Thank you so much for this. Your insights have been invaluable in helping me to understand myself and how past traumas and relationships have shaped me (I won't say malformed) and in the regular work I do with my therapist. Just... thank you. I'm finally starting to get in touch with my emotional needs and wellbeing in a way that I never before have, and your channel has been a catalyst for that.
This is a really amazing explaination. I feel like I understood this intuitively, but I could never articulate it. In regards of whether it's mean to emotional dump...I have dumped so many friends because all our hangouts became their emotional dumps. It is mean. Someone wants to spend time with you, be supportive, but you just use them as a metaphorical kleenex. It turns friendship into negativity and work.
@Ladybug Slowly disengage with them, like actually stop replying or giving them short responses, ask them what *ACTION* they're doing about their problem, start saying no to getting together. Eventually the person fades away or sometimes unfortunately you have to have an assertive confrontation and tell them what they're doing. Most people like that faded off, but some people I had to tell off and block because I hinted, I asked for change, and nothing came of it.
Finding your videos has really opened me up and made me realize I emotionally dump. It’s a constant cycle of frustrating for me and overwhelming for my partner. Thank you for sharing
This is probably the best video I've seen to distinguish this difference.... this is going to help me tremendously! And I will be watching it a few times too take down notes! 😄 Thank you for sharing 🙏
This is a great concept and well layed out. I'm sure I do this sometimes and it's a great thing to think about. I had a good friend that only called me to do this. I didn't understand why it was exhausting and off putting for me. I didnt know how to set a boundary to ask her to stop. I ended up stepping away from the friendship and the balance of my moods has gotten so much better. I also think I emotionally dump less now. I've started to become more self reliant when handling my strong emotions. I try to process them myself and once the strong feelings die off I usually don't end up feeling like I need to talk to anyone after. Or if I do it's coming from a way different place than if I call someone super upset.
I abhore going with the flow and agreeing with everything someone utters, but I just cannot seem to find fault with you! Thank you for being so candid about your own struggles; not only does it help us to relate but you adhering to your own guidelines makes the message so much more personal and convincing. The manner in which you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and turn your face towards the sun is something the world needs more of (as opposed to engendering a disempowering victim role). Thank you, once again. Please visit South Africa, or else I'll continue lavishing you with praise ad nauseam!
Hi Heidi, I just want to say I was going through a massively difficult time and your channel has helped me figure out a huge portion what I need to work on myself. Your explanations are making transformational impacts on how I approach healing. Thank you so much for your good work and please keep it up!
I've been watching your videos and this one as well as the one on limerence really hit home. Dealing with topics i've been struggling with in my own life. Thank you. You have a beautiful mind and it's a privilege to hear you speak.
Hey there all! I think that early recovery is about the details of what happened which will inevitably be focussed on the a real and perceived abusive behaviour of others. It's important to vent... Say the things you may have never been able to say out loud and piece it togther to help make sense of it. The trick is to not get perpetually stuck in this vital first phase! The healing for me has well and truly taken off when i started to focus on my reactions to all situations that trigger/activate me and own my role (even when i feel like a victim) "We learn to keep the focus on ourselves in the here and now" from The Solution in ACoA. But there is inevitably a backstory to each reaction which involves other people both current and historical. It has taken me years to progress in my recovery and a lot of recognising and moving away from blame which is a trait I learned from my parents. Good luck with your recovery all of you!
Finally, now I understand my tiredness around my mom. She got abused in the childhood really bad and when she had me, born-to-be-listener who does not show any judgig, she usually dump a lot of her emotion onto me since I was grade 6 lol. I have learnt many things around emotion and pshychology and used those thing to give some answer to my mom like, my dad is gaslighter, she is struggle from abusive relationship, my brother act like that because truama that she gave him in childhood. However, what she all got is just confusion and continue display rage at my dad since I does not display any thing much to validate her. This thing made me really tired and escape from the house to take a break from mentally ill family (including myself I guess). Maybe when I back home next time I should try this to help mom find her true emotion under her anger.
Just wow, now I have a language going forward for when people emotionally dump left and right. And in my coaching practice guide people to stop this habit asap. This is pure Gold! 🌟🙌
This was really helpful. I have definitely done the dumping myself and been dumped on !! This has really helped me clarify why this isn’t helpful. Thanks 🙏
Gold as always. Interesting that I could feel when I was dumping but couldn't articulate how to change to a more helpful style of sharing. I guess we keep doing what we've learned until we know better. Thank you, Heidi
I have been working on learning notnto dump on people. The past few weeks have been especially challenging as I recently lost a mentor figire and have been rather distraught about it at times. Thankfully I have a good therapist, and will explore the points raised in this video with them so that I can focus on healing and avoid overburdening my friends.
Your content is so helpful. I’ve only been listening about two weeks and I already feel catapulted forward in my personal relationships. It’s been transformative. I know that I have a tendency in my past to be an emotional dumper. I’ve been working on that and now I know this when other people are doing it to me it does not feel good. Thank you for thepractical advice regarding how to redirect others. Your channel is awesome.
I’m 36 years old and just started watching your videos a few days ago: I feel like finally my life makes sense. From anxious attachment to toxic shame to trauma dumping, you have described my constant day to day emotional state and given me a new perspective and tools to deal with it! Thank you form the bottom of my heart.
Thank you very much for clarifying this nuance. I felt confused before reading your comment because I feel like I have gone through a period of asking for this kind of validation, and this video made me think I had been doing something wrong. Even though the validation I have received has come from different people, all those separate instances with someone who felt attuned and could play the role of an emphatic witness seem to have helped me. I still may have times when I feel like I must talk to someone, but it is less frequent. And when I do feel that need, it is not, like before, because some mountain of pain inside me seems about to explode. Instead, it is more calm and the conversations are more like conversations rather than me talking non-stop and avoiding eye contact. I just wanted to share that for anyone who maybe would like to be in therapy but for whatever reason can’t access it or who hasn’t found a therapist they like yet. Sometimes you can get better by finding opportunities to be attuned to even though it may happen in a way that isn’t continuous. These moments are more important than I can say. Sometimes I've talked to people in the church, or to someone else who didn’t have training (as a mental health professional or in trauma) but who felt safe to me.
I actually ended a 14 year 'friendship' due to this on Tuesday. As a person on the receiving end it is exhausting. I think it's a form of emotional abuse because over time, sustained 'emotional dumping' causes the receiver psychological trauma as it over steps their personal boundaries and emotions. as well as being as it's so insidious and toxic. It's fundamentally a parasitic in it's nature. Love and support your friends in tough times but never be their free therapist for extended periods of time - they need to speak to a therapist about their complex emotional issues. NOT YOU. In both my experiences they wanted the 'attention' and the satisfaction of me validating their feelings, but had no inclination ' to do the work' to improve their situation. If they don't seek therapy - start exiting this situation. . Also, take a moment to look at yourself and your own trauma that could have fed into that negative dynamic. Also trauma dumpers can be extremely controlling I've experienced attempts to control 'what I can or cannot say' in order to 'not trigger them'. If you phone rings and you go 'oh god it's X again..' it's time to end that friend ship. You will be a lot happier when you do.
@@ChangedbyGrace2 thank you for your response. When I wrote that it was pretty fresh and raw. I've had time, with the help of therapy, to assess that situation and come through the other side relieved, happy and liberated. This past situation did me a massive favour of teaching me my boundaries, limits and standards. The last thing I heard about this person is they were living overseas and had shaved their hair and eyebrows off. I have no words except I'm glad I don't have that person in my life any more.
This is wisdom. Support but make sure your boundaries are not being violated and do not become comfortable with being a free therapist because eventually it will take a toll on you.
I consider those people straight up toxic and I stay away from them. If they’re constantly complaining and not taking your advice and you’re walking on eggshells around them, leave the relationship.
This video was very helpful for me. Thank you for posting this and raising awareness about this behaviour; I feel it will enable me to become a better and less annoying version of myself and I have shared it with my friends because I believe it will help some of them as well. I feel I might have been dumping my emotions unto friends more than I had been sharing. Thank you for helping me fix that communication issue.
I have a friend that’s like what you’re describing. I try my best too switch the conversation to something fun and exciting but yet some reason their phone goes dead when the conversation is interesting. I find it ironic their phone never dies when they are dumping their problems on me like I’m their problem solver
Loved this video. Thank you! Very insightful. I’m guilty of doing this and also have been on the receiving end. You explained everything nicely end to end.
This is such a useful video for me. As a natural listener I realise I'm dumped on a great deal. This video explains why I'm left feeling manipulated after being dumped on - it's because I'm told only one side of a story but can't get a word in to ask questions to clarify things. I realise that the person dumping is not doing their own homework to contact their inner source, or to understand their own feelings about their situation. Were they to do that, they could then take the responsibility to decide how to go forward. I must now work out how to handle such situations!
I think the first time I watched this video, I misunderstood the point of it. If the problem is always outside of us, the solution is always outside of us and it leaves us in a helpless state and doomed to the same cycle like you said. No room for vulnerability, growth or change. At first I thought that you were saying we need to take responsibility for the external circumstances that may have brought about a certain feeling in us, but it's not that. In order to maintain the control we do have in the situation, it is literally important to acknowledge how we are feeling (which is non negotiable) as the very reason we can and should do something about it, and this gives us options, helps us get to a better place and allows us to grow into healthier versions of ourselves regardless of whatever action we eventually decide to take. Aside from that are the obvious benefits of taking back our ego function, too. I think I get it now. This can actually be a wonderful opportunity to build trust with ourselves by resuming responsibility of the ego function as opposed to the way I was initially thinking of it which might leave me to wonder if perhaps I am overreacting about a particular situation. Thank you for making this! Very insightful.
Fabulous! Very clear. Very helpful. Speaking with someone who is emotionally dumping is exhausting, very unsatisfying, disturbing even because it’s one long complaint but it’s always very vague. I’m never sure what their point is.
Great advice - I love it and I am using it every day now. I think one problem is that if I state how I feel, people tend to invalidate my feelings. Coming in with toxic positivity, or trying to support me by reprimanding me for feeling that way. eg, "no-one can make you feel that way without your permission." Along with "its on you that you are triggered". Then I feel the need to prove just how bad it was. I really look at my words now and hardly ever share. People can only offer what they are capable of.
Thank you Heidi, I was doing the emotional dumping looking for suppprt, and I wasnt even aware of that, I usually shared my feelings about the situation only with people I felt really safe. This is a very ppwerful distinction for me, thank you for all the wisdom you share.🙏🙏🙏
I’m noticing I’ve done both of these, sometimes in the same conversation. For example, I’ve emotionally dumped, to get the response I was looking for, but then felt bad and backtracked, to give a more nuanced perspective and explain my wrongs in the situation. By the time I backtrack though, it’s too late, the person I’m talking too made up their mind, because I started with emotional dumping, and now they think I’m “victim blaming” myself when I try to add my own contribution to the madness.
That's not exactly what I understand emotional dumping to mean, however, I think it ties with what you are discussing. To me "dumping" is griping and not changing. You expect me to listen to all your garbage, you feel better (I feel worse) but you never "fix" your problems. And there's a different one every week. We just can't go have fun because you can't let go and won't allow it, until you are left alone because no one wants to deal with you and your problems. I am not your therapist. The fact that everyone else has problems but you don't work on yourself first with a therapist indicates vulnerable narcissism.
Hey, I think that's jumping to conclusions a little too soon. No one is obligated to listen to a friend/relative/w/e rant on about their problems all the time. Yes, it is exhausting. But friendship or companionship isn't just about waiting for someone to conveniently be what you need them to be in order for you to be happy and have fun. It also includes genuinely caring about that person, doing things for them because you want to, encouraging them to get help, and if needs be, distancing yourself for both your sake and theirs. Not because they're just annoying, but out of a genuine care for their well-being (you are not helping them by enabling these patterns of behaviours) and out of self-respect and your first responsibility to care for your emotional state. As said in the video, this isn't about them and how annoying they are and why nobody wants to be friends with them. It's about how you're feeling, what you're willing to do and what works for you. Some people take a long time to learn and heal and that doesn't necessarily make them narcissists.
@@sparkstudies1675 Who's jumping to conclusions? Maybe you??? I'm talking 15 years here. Can't there be a little fun? Every time I hear from her it's a new problem. Can't even go to a restaurant for fear she will start crying. Can't go for a walk or a drive or just be. There's just two of us in the relationship, me and her problems; she's checked out. In the beginning of the relationship I said I would be supportive if she got a therapist. She claimed that she did. But it's always complaining and I never hear a word about anything else. Yes, she's taken on a troubled child from a bad environment, I get that, which is why I was supportive. But she never did anything for herself. It got to a point where she broke down right when we were in the middle of our own crisis. I told her that I would support her in healthier ways but we have stuff going on right now. That comes first. Most of the time I am in a position to give but right then I wasn't able to carry her, she was gonna have to stand on her own feet. She couldn't handle that and I blocked her. I am sad about it but I don't feel bad. She's toxic. One of the last things she told me was that she was diagnosed NPD by a different therapist.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 Ok well my bad I didn't realise you were talking about one specific person the whole time, and you didn't mention that you already spoke to them about their habit of never putting in effort to find solutions, or even how you were feeling. From what you now describe, that isn't a relationship at all, as she just takes and never gives. I do feel sorry for her, because as much as people's problems annoy us, they probably pain the person carrying them even more, but I definitely understand how something like this isn't healthy for you at all. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Thank you for trying and I sincerely wish you both the best.
@@sparkstudies1675 Hey, no problem. No harm no foul. I guess that I should have been more clear. Originally, I wasn't going to go into such detail. You are correct though that relationships aren't all about fun. I think for most people it's hard to find someone who's willing to listen and that most people only want fun and games, will jump ship when things get rough. I'm not like that. I believe a true friendship is more balanced and can maintain both good and bad, be satisfying for both parties. Cheers.
Brilliantly explained! Keep 'em coming Heidi! P.s How does empathy play in with this? How do you stop confusing empathy with ego function outsourcing, especially for people who crave validation because their experience wasn't properly validated in childhood?
whoa. how insightful! it made me flash back a few times when people were extremely emotive, and i would listen, but not have any emotional response. i could talk to them about it, but i think there was an emotional expectation and they were outsourcing their own emotions. when i calmly listened, i was being cold. one time someone said “how can you be so fucking calm!!” i remember being a maintenance person and after a huge fire, the property manager was upset and i was confused about how it seemed he didn’t like that i was calm. i was more like the fire chief. i loved his calm presence. i was very very engaged with my ex wife’s home births, and the midwives loved how i was calm and helpful even in the presence of a retained placenta with hemorrhaging. this video has also paralleled my ex wife’s father and her now best friend. they both have big reactions to emotional responses. my ex was emotionally shut down for years, and that made the divorce word a huge surprise to me. perhaps she wouldn’t share because i she knew i wouldn’t match her emotional level. i don’t know if this is a deficit of mine, or just a different way of being present with a person. honestly, i didn’t have the maturity to analyze these situations and i have always been confused by them. i’m really curious how connected my ex wife is to her mom’s responses to her sharings. she is much more of a calm person and does life coaching. my ex also loves dr phil type shows. it all makes sense after this video. hopefully i can be more aware of my own reactions and take note of the emotional expectations on me.
This is a very interesting perspective and I think it's a shame we aren't taught this from somewhere. I don't know where. I needed to hear this today and am going to start small in implementing it. I am at the point where I am mentally exhausted with having to be the garbage can of other people's stuff. They are not behaving in a way(that I can see) that shows me they want to hunker down and actually improve their situation. I'm also not saying that I don't dump on other people but I am trying to be more aware of when I am doing it. Everybody has their own internal war going on. Try and look at the bigger picture and ask yourself if this is really worth feeling the outrage they want you to validate. It's draining.
I love you Heidi. ;) Thank you so much for your videos. That is pretty sort of life-saving or lets say illuminating to me and the content gives me hope every day now. You rock big time! 🥳🥳🥳
OMG thank you for that clarification. Me ex has been emotionally dumping on TikTok and I needed that clarification on the purpose of those types of actions. Walking away in peace now. Thank you!
Today I was the emotional dumper. The stranger, to whom I shared my thoughts was completely calm, even in the moment of dissarray we were both witnessing. I felt deprived and baffled by his demeanor, as I realized he had the upper hand being calmer while I simmered in frustration. I never got to understand where he was coming from, but I wanted closure so I kept asking myself, "What can I learn from this situation?", until I came to a reasonable conclusion and felt a sense of resolve.
Very very interesting, my friends' time is important for me I know they are super busy with their own lives so I hate wasting it on my problems, therefore I have always tried to use it wisely, and if I ask their help t osolve any of my issues; I try to think carefully in order to present that problem as much as real as possible. Your video has helped a lot to know how to separate drama from real showing what my struggles are and how to get effective feedback from my clever friends.
Wow! This video is my introduction to your channel. I subscribed. Looking forward to learning more. This seems efficient and effective strategy for moving through emotions. Impressive 👍
Oh dear, I do this all the time and never realized it. I feel like I constantly need justification for my feelings or validation in how I’ve reacted to a stressful situation. I think I need to rewatch this video to fully digest everything. 😬
I definitely have been guilty of emotionally dumping before. I don't do it as much now. But it was a result of emotional abuse and being invalidated for over a decade. Having people validate what happened to me helped me to realise that I wasn't wrong to feel bad for what happened to me.
oof! meat ++++++ potatoes!!! i just discovered your channel and I’m here👏🏾for👏🏾it👏🏾all👏🏾 these are the type of topics we should be dissecting w one another! brilliantly dissected, Heidi👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I think I did this for my entire adult life. Thank you for opening my eyes and also giving me the right tools to correct this behavior and seek for the right kind of help.
Great distinction. There is one little piece of nuance in this that I would like to mention. Sometimes, if people grow up in abusive environments that are always rationalized away, there is a period in their development when they need feedback and validation that the treatment they experienced then --and similar treatment they may still be allowing to continue in other relationships now--is harmful, not okay, and something they shouldn't be expected to endure. Seeing other people get mad on their behalf shows them, for the first time in their lives, that it is safe and valid for them to have boundaries and standards and to protect themselves. It's a stage of development where people need support, modeling, and guidance, and although not everyone is going to want to sign up to provide that (a therapist is most qualified), it can't be skipped. Then, over time, as you said, we need to develop the capacity to make sense of our own experience and set boundaries for ourselves.
Yes, you are right, this is why I do it. Now I have tools to use. I am a work in progress
"if people grow up in abusive environments that are always rationalized away, there is a period in their development when they need feedback and validation that the treatment they experienced then --and similar treatment they may still be allowing to continue in other relationships now--is harmful, not okay, and something they shouldn't be expected to endure. Seeing other people get mad on their behalf shows them, for the first time in their lives, that it is safe and valid for them to have boundaries and standards and to protect themselves. It's a stage of development where people need support, modeling, and guidance"
----I can't articulate how helpful this was to read. THIS explains things for me. Thank you!
@@ReindeertheGermanShepherdDog I'm so glad it was helpful!! ☺️
This is so well said.
Thank you.
Thank you for adding this - this is a very important point and something a lot of therapists miss. They want clients to go straight to 'healed behaviours' without understanding there's a transitional stage that the therapist needs to facilitate.
If you need to emotionally dump, do it in a journal, and emotionally share with actually people. I love it!
The need for emotional dumping requires a reaction from a sympathetic person. Just writing it in a journal would leave me feeling empty.
@@manicpixiedreamgirl7930 it will be hard but try writing it first and then you will have better understanding of emotions. You can definitely share your feelings after writing those in your journal and believe me it will be much better. You will have much better and clear understanding of your thoughts and feelings.
@@manicpixiedreamgirl7930 do people try to avoid you? Just asking?
I would say don't share. People never like to listen to me yet I'm expected to listen to all their drama. I have just accepted this reality. Yeah it sucks!
Yup. I use an app actually, Thought Detox, and those dumps just go into a void. It's really satisfying
This has basically ruined my closest friendship, along with a lot of other unhealthy things going on within that dynamic. It’s sad to lose someone so close but like, I actually feel a lot better now that we’re no longer talking. That relationship was literally taking up every single bit of mental and emotional energy I had. We were on the phone CONSTANTLY and she had an anxious attachment style that I was trying to accommodate so I ended up having no social life at all bc I was always on the phone with her and it was just a never ending cycle of back and forth emotional dumping. Very exhausting.
A year or two ago, I also lost a close friendship because the dynamic within the relationship was incredibly unhealthy. I'm still stuck on it and I'm trying to figure out how to move on. It hurts to have to walk away from a relationship when you still have a lot of care for the other person. Friendship breakups deserve way more attention from the world at large, because they're really hard.
"Don't share details, share your feelings."
You are speaking pure wisdom. THANK YOU SO MUCH for breaking it down like this!
Sorry this is so long, but I hope it will add something helpful for someone.
I wouldn't have been ready for this a couple years ago. I had a lot of detailing to do. I was that one year old looking to my parent (aka: my partner, my friends and my counselor) for confirmation on my own feelings. I was just that lost. There's no getting around that stage in the process. I wish there was, because I lost my partner due to all the trauma dumping I did. Constantly bombarding him with details of how my mom was emotionally damaging me and constantly looking to him to tell me how to feel about it and what to do about it. Then spiraling into hypervigilant anxiety leading to depressive crashes when he wouldn't or couldn't mirror my emotions. It was exhausting to both of us. All this constant "my mom did this" and "my mom said that."
I was using him as a sounding board and a shield. I needed to draw out HIS feelings about MY mother issues in order to get the nerve to set boundaries with my mother, because I was so afraid that MY feelings were invalid. I was afraid to share my own feelings without all kinds of back-up validation from him. I was afraid of harsh criticism, judgment, rejection, and being ignored, gaslit, smeared, and manipulated- having my own emotions used against me, like I'd experienced so much in the past. As a result, being vulnerable was just something I could not do properly. I thought trauma dumping was the same thing as being vulnerable. Now I see it wasn't. If it was just pure vulnerability I don't think it would have pushed him away. There is a lot of projection that goes on in trauma dumping. That's no fun for the person taking the brunt of it.
I regret putting him through that but I can't change the past. I can only be grateful to him for trying to endure my trauma dumping for as long as he could.
I've done a lot of counseling and DBT over the past few years. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can listen to and trust my own feelings and intuition. And share appropriately. Or at least catch myself if I'm slipping and stop trauma dumping.
I'm more aware now and more mindful about it.
I think at first it's nescessary to give details if you have been so gaslit that you don't know which end is up. Ideally a counselor would be best to share the details with, but unfortunately counseling isn't always accessible. In any case, detail sharing is a nescessary phase, but the ultimate goal is to get past that phase.
"Don't share details, share your feelings" is a perfect rule to remember, for me at this stage. There does come a time when we need to stop focusing so much on the details of other people's offenses and allow ourselves to explore and honor how we feel about it. Also just how we feel about regular things in daily life. I use to walk through life as if I was pleading my case and collecting evidence to defend myself at all times. But I don't need to document everything anymore. When it comes to how something or someone is affecting me, *how I feel and what I think matters.* What a revolutionary concept to someone whose feelings have been systematically belittled and invalidated.
I don't need to keep receipts on everything to prove anything to anyone. I know what I know, I feel what I feel, and that's basically good enough for me.
I think this actualization is what my counselor has been patiently trying to draw out of me this whole time. (The old classic: "How does that make you feel?" 😂) It's such a process to get there! But so worth it!!
Thank you for this. It was immensely helpful. 💛
I admire your honesty and the clarity you have about yourself - you probably worked very diligently to be able to develop that clarity 👏 nice!
This is FASCINATING. I made a personal 'rule' a few years ago that I wouldn't let people emotionally dump on me, but I had no idea what it was and I thought it was just a way that I, personally, am not able to support people. What kept happening - I realize now - is people would tell me this one-sided story, just like you said, and then expect me to go "that b*tch!" or some variation of that. Instead, I would inquire about what the possible motives might have been for this other person's behaviour, and wonder if maybe the person telling the story was making faulty assumptions. Basically, I would try to get the full, balanced story, leaving my friend feeling as though I'm defending some stranger instead of supporting my friend. Eventually I started cutting people off when they emotionally dump on me, and telling them that I can't give them the response they're looking for, but if they want to tell me how they FEEL about what's going on, I'll listen to that. Never had anyone take me up on that offer, and it still leaves people feeling like I'm not supporting them, but I've found they accept that boundary and move on pretty quickly.
Watching this video, I'm realizing that when people do this, I feel manipulated. And apparently that's for good reason! But I'm EXCEPTIONALLY sensitive to even the slightest whiff of manipulation and I react really negatively to it. So it's no wonder I don't like it when people emotionally dump on me like this. Moving forward, though, I think this video has given me some tools to better navigate these scenarios and maybe communicate with my friends better about what I can and can't provide for them. I guess it's not some failing in me after all, but an intolerance of someone else's unhealthy behaviour. That's a pretty incredible realization.
Thank you for explaining this so clearly.
I feel this exact same way about a situation with a trauma dumping friend. Thank you so much for your comment and for helping me realize it wasn’t some fault in me that was making me feel uncomfortable supporting this person!
Good boundaries👍
Now think of what it means for people who were emotionally neglected in childhood and couldn't learn to do this ego function themselves. It's building this skill from scratch.
In my experience, when someone emotionally dumps on me, Im more stressed and leave the conversation more exhausted, because I felt like there was less I could do, the the problem was greater than what I could handle.
If the person shared their emotional experience, I was able to help the singular person in front of me, I felt more helpful and less stressed about my ability to provide to someone I care about.
Bingo.
Sometimes people don't want you to fix the situation, they just want someone to listen...
@@MizzCupcake244 Sometimes that's still too much.
@@LavenderHazelwood if you don't have the capacity, then just say that, and move on. Simple.
@@MizzCupcake244 I do :)
I am reminded of something I learned years ago! Ask permission to throw up, you just want to throw up everything that had just happened to and with you! Claim it as throwing up, ask your friend if they can emotionally move out of the way of your barfing the story. Ask if they can nod or listen and what they can CHOOSE to do with their time? Ask permission, give the listener a minute to check in with themselves, and decide if it's a good time or not. Stops holding a hostage on both parts. Allows your throwing-up person to bring into awareness they are throwing up and you are a listener for a minute to be by someone's side and basically hold their hair out of the way.
Yes!!! It is a feeling of being held hostage when someone just starts barfing w/o checking in first. I'm really appreciative if someone has the wherewithal to know what they are doing and own it and be able to manage themselves around it instead of using me as their trashcan or toilet or parent. It's a position I really hate being in.
It never even crossed my mind that people should ask you before throwing everything in your face. As I've heard, it supposedly makes you a terrible friend to refuse to listen if they come to you. 🤷
@@uMaud Yes, I think many people assume that but I think that comes from an enmeshment or co-dependent perspective. Boundaries are important and being able to say "I'm uncomfortable" (no matter the reason) is important. If that breaks the friendship then maybe it just wasn't a good fit in the first place.
This is SO enlightening, and an absolute minefield of a concept when as a child and young adult you weren't taught or allowed to have any emotional reaction to anything at all. It's confusing and difficult for me to learn how to process my feelings without using other people as a mirror, and I've definitely done my fair share of dumping without realising any of this. In fact I felt more like I'd make people uncomfortable by expressing my internal experience or getting visibly emotional. I'm working on it, and videos like this really help!
I relate to this. 😢
I thought the title said “emotional dumpling”! Thought it was cute and I wanted to be one! 😂
Made me smile 😊
Hello from a dumpling country Poland. Dumplings make me emotional, especially ones stuffed with cotrahe cheese and potato 😁😉😄
That is so funny
@SveGuacamole, omg is there such a thing???? I want some!
This is incredibly helpful and eye opening. I realize that I have been guilty of dumping. However, much of this has been due to being unsure whether my perception and interpretation of a situation is accurate. I know how I feel about it, but am I being unreasonable for setting these boundaries?
When you have been systematically isolated and gaslighted for your entire childhood and most of your adult life, how do you know if your expectations are reasonable, or if you are being the asshole?
These are probably questions for therapists rather than friends.
Indeed. A therapist is a good idea. Just saw mine today
Good therapists are not really supposed to tell you how you're supposed to feel about things. I think in these cases, good friends are a godsend because they will stand up for you in a way that a therapist can't. Keep in mind that your friends are not objective, but they can be really helpful.
I think that's different from emotional dumping, because you're trying to figure out what is going on. "So, when I said this, he told me that I was being emotionally manipulative. He says I do that a lot. But I don't think I manipulate people. On the other hand, I do try to read the room, and if he's in a bad mood, I don't ask him to do things, but if he's in a good mood, I ask. Is that being manipulative? I can kind of see it like that. I am actually pretty good at influencing people, and I make them feel better and I can get a bunch of people to get along. I always thought that was a good thing, but maybe I'm not doing it for their benefit, but more because I don't like conflict and I prefer it when people get along. It is easier to be playful and get kids to brush teeth and do other things like that, but maybe I should be letting them develop self discipline and do things that aren't fun without trying to make them fun. Maybe I'm doing the kids a disservice, all because I want a pleasant evening now. On the other hand, he thinks that crying is an attempt at manipulation, even if I go to another room. But even though I'm not really an easy cryer, sometimes I can't help it. It doesn't seem fair to ban a whole natural bodily function like that. But I can see what he means, of course he wants me to feel better and that could put unfair pressure on him. What do you think? Have you noticed that I'm manipulative? Please be honest."
It's not trying to get a certain reaction, you're asking for help trying to figure reality out.
@@er6730 I think this is still emotional dumping, because as I read this, it seems like you're trying to get me to validate that you're not manipulative... Which actually sounds kind of manipulative and if you're with the wrong friend, they might actually decide that you are and end up wrecking you.
@@ashleycnossen3157 I disagree. If the person is open to feedback, whatever the friend says in response will be welcomed. Of course the person hopes that the friend will say "no I've never thought that" but if the friend says "well, I have noticed a couple of times" then at least that's feedback. And yes, hopefully it's a trustworthy friend who will be both honest and kind.
If it were an acquaintance, yes that seems like emotional dumping and asking for a certain answer. A true friend tells it like it is, and even if it hurts, the healing power of "yes, I've noticed your flaws, and I still like and accept you" makes unwelcome truth go down easier.
Oh my goodness! This is pure gold. I hate to admit it, but I’m a therapist who didn’t previously understand this distinction! Huge game changer! (What I love most about psychology is that no matter how much we learn, experience, and know, there’s always a ton more to learn, experience, and know. Thanks, Heidi. You’re my new “go to” source of wisdom.
Oh boi, this was a wild one.
My old therapist was someone who was convinced that I had all the tools available to process my issues. The classic CBT approach. This led to me, an autistic, depressed, anxious 14 year old to express my feelings and it was like this well of pain that just did not dry.
In hindsight: I was emotionally dumping for about 14 years. When I was 28 I realized I wasnt making progress, I was just feeling like an volitile deregulated drama queen. At the new practice, focused on autism, I was inmediately diagnosed with PTSD and received group therapy, CBT-like therapy, somatic therapy and I started doing yin yoga.
The question of the day was: how am I _feeling_?
And I notice that when talking to my parents, their first response also becomes *my* first response. When they reject my actions, I feel like a failure. While, if I look at it closer and think: was their first response justified or when I start to engage in conversation, the tone often mellows and it turns out it wasnt so bad.
It is just that my parents respond pretty fucking terrible to unexpected things that dont have an inmediate sollution.
Interesting, my best wishes to you in your life journey mate
@@lbg5073 Thanks, the last year has been wild in that regard. I started with emotional processing and I discovered that I am only now learning on how I relate (and thus feel) towards situations, poetry, stories, etc. I have been practicing that for the last month or so and it helps so much with navigating situations.
I still stand with the first responses of my parents though, I mostly relate to the situation with a mix of grief and compassion. It isnt anyone's fault per se, yet it requires a lot of strength to play my hand to the best of my ability. It helps that I no longer feel like it is my job to change others. It is my job to advocate for myself, with compassion, and bring compassion towards others. That makes things easier.
I needed this. I’ve been caught between understanding that I don’t feel good when I emotionally dump (I don’t usually feel that validation I’m craving and I feel bad for the friend I’m dumping on) and desperately still wanting vulnerability and authenticity in friendships. I get it now - I’m the problem, it’s me. I don’t share how I feel a lot of the times, I’m looking for my best friend to mirror the anger, hurt, pain, or (insert emotion) but I’m not actually processing the emotion WITH someone, I’m just dumping on them.
I will be vigilant about this starting today! I’m hopeful this will actually allow me to have more openness/vulnerability with my friends!
I think part of the problem is when people assume that you are closer to them than you really are. I think friends should share & support each other, but I've had people, including my mother, confide in me and expect the kind of support that you would expect from a spouse. Also, this includes the over sharing with acquaintances problem. Overall, it's a fine line of what is being supportive vs. what is being a dumping ground. It can be very difficult to know the difference for both people, and the problem is that if there are no boundaries at the beginning, then it's assumed that it's part of the friendship to play therapist. But again, I think for both people, how do you know what is healthy sharing & support vs what is a kind of codependency
This is the emotional education society and schools need. Amazing, concrete, applicable to life, content right here!
I love your work, but honestly I believe this misses the mark a bit. I believe this overlooks the experience of people that are in abusive relationships and are on the receiving end of gaslighting, something that can be extremely confusing and numbing.
I agree it’s not as productive as sharing once you have enough emotional awareness, but we’re not born ready. there’s nothing wrong with sharing what you’re going through objectively in order to receive validation that it is ok to be upset about certain scenarios.
I personally spent a couple years numb due to fear of losing an abusive partner. I didn’t share much of my experience with anyone at all, until in a one off therapy session, the therapist encouraged me to share with friends and family so I would get support and become less isolated by the abuse. Remember gaslighting aims to make people doubt their own emotions, so it’s a natural thing to disregard or not trust your own gut in these relationships.
It was my “dumping” and my friends and family’s feedback that woke me up and slowly built in me the courage to stand up for myself.
I personally don’t like labelling this as something negative. As I dealt with the conflict head on and walked away, I began the process of working on myself (which is actually how I discovered your channel) and realised I needed to “dump” each day a little less as my ego grew stronger once away from the abuse.
Again: there’s nothing wrong with needing validation to wake up from a numb emotional state. I’m very grateful for the patience of my friends who heard me out until I was ready to be strong enough for myself. Validation from loved ones is exactly what I needed to break away from the abuse cycle.
I agree that there’s an exception to every rule and I’m certainly not insinuating here that the opposite of emotional dumping is keeping everything inside and saying nothing even when in a dire situation - just that if you consciously struggle with doing too much emotional dumping and notice yourself getting stuck in rumination loops, getting more centred in your emotional experience is often what breaks those loops.
@@heidipriebe1 thanks for the reply. :)
I see your point, it’s valid and I certainly got value from the video. My suggestion is that we’re careful to place the focus on not repeating a pattern that is not serving us and/or is not productive anymore while not labelling the need for external validation as wholly negative. Depending on external validation indefinitely is of course not sustainable. But wanted to share that at times a little validation can help people get unstuck. :)
Great fan of your work btw, thanks for all you do.
@@VictorCardosoMoraes I think we're in alignment there. External feedback can be a valuable thing and I imagine the points of view we were respectively expressing (me in the video, you in your original comment) were representative of two different extremes (relying only on external feedback vs not sourcing feedback at all), with the healthy medium lying in the middle.
Yes....the feedback I got while in an abusive relationship clarified the abnormal gaslighting and control I was experiencing. It was extremely valuable in helping me to break free. After seeing this video, I realize now that I haven't stopped dumping! Time for more healthy sharing...
I love your comment. It helps to look at both sides, especially after abuse, exploitation, and/or gaslighting.
So I think I do emotionally dump. But the way you are defining it- that dumping versus sharing has to do with whether or not you share your feelings about things, I'm not sure. I go through periods where I either feel pressing needs to reach out and talk to someone about the intense situation I'm going through because I feel like I need help processing what I'm feeling and what to do about it, and other periods where I feel like no one wants to hear about my problems, they feel overwhelming and I can never resolve them so I just try not to feel anything or talk to anyone about what I'm going through.
Same. Also its proven that talking things through helps you process and in the first 48 hours if a friend can help you and support you… that its act’s helpful.
Rumination is something I’ve struggled with. Until i started journaling more, it’s so tempting to just try to “solve” a deep problem right away, but that never works, feelings can’t be fixed but processed, though venting is ok if it’s timed. Sometimes I’ll give myself 30 mins feel a process feelings an air talk my feelings if I need to and be pissy if needed 😊
This is fascinating, I was aware of emotional dumping from group dynamic perspective as you shared and I have left groups for this reason. But I had not noticed the pattern about using facts. I was chatting in a group once and someone became very triggered by a psychologist I found helpful. They started throwing facts at me and would not let it go for almost an hour. They never said their opinion about why they didn’t like the psychologist, just lots of ‘facts’ written by other people. I informed them that I would not judge someone based on another person’s opinion of them, that is like gossip. If they could explain why they didn’t like the person I was happy to listen in an effort to understand them better. But I wasn’t going to engage in a conversation where they just wanted to manipulate my opinions to validate their world view. I was happy to agree to disagree. Well they totally lost it, and today I understand why it was so intense of a reaction. It must be terrifying to live in a world where you constantly need to have someone else validate that you are ok and tell you how you feel.
Far out I feel like this is the way all the women in my life communicate, including myself! How did I not know this was a thing?
This one really resonated with me! I've noticed recently when I'm talking about relationships or interpersonal issues, staying too in the details of what happened and not focusing my experience doesn't feel right. Like it doesn't feel like healing.
Having this mirrored with the baby falling over had me laughing out loud and feeling very childish. I'm so happy to have the language around that feeling, and I hope to notice when I'm dumping instead of sharing going forward 😁
I had the same thought! I started noticing this when I began therapy. I would find myself getting into the nitty gritty details of a situation and I realized that I was wasting time on the he said / she said” of it all! I think being in a formal setting where I’m paying to get healing helped me identify that I don’t really want to spend an hour detailing every think my husband said that pissed me off, and it wouldn’t help me heal. I still need to work on this in my personal relationships.
If anyone's doing this to you, don't let them guilt you into putting up with it. break contact with them and if they ask why, tell them it's because they are selfish with no regard for your own feelings.
PERFECT!!! I wish this podcast came along when I was attempting to manage a very large support group for estranged parents of adult children. A sizable percentage of the members used the group strictly as an emotional dumping ground. This seems to be the norm among the numerous estranged parents groups on FB, except for the one we’ve managed to create. Your podcasts have been a welcome asset to our members’ self-awareness, growth, healing, and self-worth. Thank you on behalf of the 80 moms from our group.
a bunch of estranged parents are covert or some other form of narcissism, of course they just show up to dump, they dont feel any accountability for how the child became estranged, they feel they are owed the world when in fact it is the complete opposite. i dont even understand why a narc parent would even be allowed at a support group, they are literally just doing it for attention.....
I've found this with FB support groups in general. It just seems to me people write long paragraphs about themselves and expect you to agree with them, that they've been wronged, the person that they're writing about is the bad person, etc. I've exited most of these groups for this exact reason. It's not helpful to be in groups where people just emotionally dump.
Heidi this is a godsend. I’ve been doing this for years and could never understand why I felt so bad afterward or what I was doing wrong, and this has helped me figure out soooo much. Thank you!!
My mind is blown right now. I’ve been doing this for a lot time. I feel like I owe my friends an apology. I just thought of it as venting but the example about the friend with relationship problems was me to a T.
Can you do another video on this?
It's good you recognized what you have been doing. Now you can adjust your behavior.
Thank you for putting this out there. I find it very helpful. I appreciate how you present in clear, relatable way and bring deeper understanding of what goes on in the weird world of emotions. I am glad I came across your channel as it has helped on more than 1 occasion.
Thank you so much for this. Your insights have been invaluable in helping me to understand myself and how past traumas and relationships have shaped me (I won't say malformed) and in the regular work I do with my therapist. Just... thank you. I'm finally starting to get in touch with my emotional needs and wellbeing in a way that I never before have, and your channel has been a catalyst for that.
This is a really amazing explaination. I feel like I understood this intuitively, but I could never articulate it. In regards of whether it's mean to emotional dump...I have dumped so many friends because all our hangouts became their emotional dumps. It is mean. Someone wants to spend time with you, be supportive, but you just use them as a metaphorical kleenex. It turns friendship into negativity and work.
@Ladybug Slowly disengage with them, like actually stop replying or giving them short responses, ask them what *ACTION* they're doing about their problem, start saying no to getting together. Eventually the person fades away or sometimes unfortunately you have to have an assertive confrontation and tell them what they're doing. Most people like that faded off, but some people I had to tell off and block because I hinted, I asked for change, and nothing came of it.
I am so grateful for your material Heidi. You explain everything so clearly and all these things finally make sense to me.
This entire video was a slap with a glove, but I needed it. Thank you
Finding your videos has really opened me up and made me realize I emotionally dump. It’s a constant cycle of frustrating for me and overwhelming for my partner. Thank you for sharing
This is probably the best video I've seen to distinguish this difference.... this is going to help me tremendously! And I will be watching it a few times too take down notes! 😄
Thank you for sharing 🙏
I didn’t even realize I did this! Thank you so much! Now I can try communicate better
This is a great concept and well layed out. I'm sure I do this sometimes and it's a great thing to think about. I had a good friend that only called me to do this. I didn't understand why it was exhausting and off putting for me. I didnt know how to set a boundary to ask her to stop. I ended up stepping away from the friendship and the balance of my moods has gotten so much better. I also think I emotionally dump less now. I've started to become more self reliant when handling my strong emotions. I try to process them myself and once the strong feelings die off I usually don't end up feeling like I need to talk to anyone after. Or if I do it's coming from a way different place than if I call someone super upset.
I abhore going with the flow and agreeing with everything someone utters, but I just cannot seem to find fault with you! Thank you for being so candid about your own struggles; not only does it help us to relate but you adhering to your own guidelines makes the message so much more personal and convincing. The manner in which you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and turn your face towards the sun is something the world needs more of (as opposed to engendering a disempowering victim role). Thank you, once again.
Please visit South Africa, or else I'll continue lavishing you with praise ad nauseam!
Hi Heidi, I just want to say I was going through a massively difficult time and your channel has helped me figure out a huge portion what I need to work on myself. Your explanations are making transformational impacts on how I approach healing. Thank you so much for your good work and please keep it up!
I've been watching your videos and this one as well as the one on limerence really hit home. Dealing with topics i've been struggling with in my own life. Thank you. You have a beautiful mind and it's a privilege to hear you speak.
You just revealed part of me to myself here! I am so grateful for you and the way you get into the dark places within!❤
I not only really appreciate this distinction, I love your presentation of this concept, not condescending at all just very relatable!
Hey there all!
I think that early recovery is about the details of what happened which will inevitably be focussed on the a real and perceived abusive behaviour of others.
It's important to vent... Say the things you may have never been able to say out loud and piece it togther to help make sense of it.
The trick is to not get perpetually stuck in this vital first phase!
The healing for me has well and truly taken off when i started to focus on my reactions to all situations that trigger/activate me and own my role (even when i feel like a victim)
"We learn to keep the focus on ourselves in the here and now" from The Solution in ACoA.
But there is inevitably a backstory to each reaction which involves other people both current and historical.
It has taken me years to progress in my recovery and a lot of recognising and moving away from blame which is a trait I learned from my parents.
Good luck with your recovery all of you!
Finally, now I understand my tiredness around my mom. She got abused in the childhood really bad and when she had me, born-to-be-listener who does not show any judgig, she usually dump a lot of her emotion onto me since I was grade 6 lol. I have learnt many things around emotion and pshychology and used those thing to give some answer to my mom like, my dad is gaslighter, she is struggle from abusive relationship, my brother act like that because truama that she gave him in childhood. However, what she all got is just confusion and continue display rage at my dad since I does not display any thing much to validate her. This thing made me really tired and escape from the house to take a break from mentally ill family (including myself I guess). Maybe when I back home next time I should try this to help mom find her true emotion under her anger.
I love how you articulate these important themes of life succinctly and simply.
Just wow, now I have a language going forward for when people emotionally dump left and right. And in my coaching practice guide people to stop this habit asap. This is pure Gold! 🌟🙌
This was really helpful. I have definitely done the dumping myself and been dumped on !! This has really helped me clarify why this isn’t helpful. Thanks 🙏
Gold as always. Interesting that I could feel when I was dumping but couldn't articulate how to change to a more helpful style of sharing. I guess we keep doing what we've learned until we know better. Thank you, Heidi
This is the best video I’ve ever watched. Incredible! Thank you 🙏🏼
I love your videos! Your energy and your simple non judgmental explanations are really great ♥️
This video is a game changer. Please make more videos Heidi, all of your content is amazing ✨
I have been working on learning notnto dump on people. The past few weeks have been especially challenging as I recently lost a mentor figire and have been rather distraught about it at times. Thankfully I have a good therapist, and will explore the points raised in this video with them so that I can focus on healing and avoid overburdening my friends.
Your content is so helpful. I’ve only been listening about two weeks and I already feel catapulted forward in my personal relationships. It’s been transformative. I know that I have a tendency in my past to be an emotional dumper. I’ve been working on that and now I know this when other people are doing it to me it does not feel good. Thank you for thepractical advice regarding how to redirect others. Your channel is awesome.
I’m 36 years old and just started watching your videos a few days ago: I feel like finally my life makes sense. From anxious attachment to toxic shame to trauma dumping, you have described my constant day to day emotional state and given me a new perspective and tools to deal with it! Thank you form the bottom of my heart.
Thank you very much for clarifying this nuance. I felt confused before reading your comment because I feel like I have gone through a period of asking for this kind of validation, and this video made me think I had been doing something wrong.
Even though the validation I have received has come from different people, all those separate instances with someone who felt attuned and could play the role of an emphatic witness seem to have helped me. I still may have times when I feel like I must talk to someone, but it is less frequent. And when I do feel that need, it is not, like before, because some mountain of pain inside me seems about to explode. Instead, it is more calm and the conversations are more like conversations rather than me talking non-stop and avoiding eye contact.
I just wanted to share that for anyone who maybe would like to be in therapy but for whatever reason can’t access it or who hasn’t found a therapist they like yet. Sometimes you can get better by finding opportunities to be attuned to even though it may happen in a way that isn’t continuous. These moments are more important than I can say. Sometimes I've talked to people in the church, or to someone else who didn’t have training (as a mental health professional or in trauma) but who felt safe to me.
Wow! Never heard these terms before. Enjoyed how well you explained the differences including examples. I'm learning a lot. Thank you ❤️
I actually ended a 14 year 'friendship' due to this on Tuesday. As a person on the receiving end it is exhausting. I think it's a form of emotional abuse because over time, sustained 'emotional dumping' causes the receiver psychological trauma as it over steps their personal boundaries and emotions. as well as being as it's so insidious and toxic. It's fundamentally a parasitic in it's nature. Love and support your friends in tough times but never be their free therapist for extended periods of time - they need to speak to a therapist about their complex emotional issues. NOT YOU. In both my experiences they wanted the 'attention' and the satisfaction of me validating their feelings, but had no inclination ' to do the work' to improve their situation. If they don't seek therapy - start exiting this situation. . Also, take a moment to look at yourself and your own trauma that could have fed into that negative dynamic. Also trauma dumpers can be extremely controlling I've experienced attempts to control 'what I can or cannot say' in order to 'not trigger them'. If you phone rings and you go 'oh god it's X again..' it's time to end that friend ship. You will be a lot happier when you do.
I feel for you, had a similar experience with my friend and needed to end relationship
@@ChangedbyGrace2 thank you for your response. When I wrote that it was pretty fresh and raw. I've had time, with the help of therapy, to assess that situation and come through the other side relieved, happy and liberated. This past situation did me a massive favour of teaching me my boundaries, limits and standards.
The last thing I heard about this person is they were living overseas and had shaved their hair and eyebrows off. I have no words except I'm glad I don't have that person in my life any more.
This is wisdom. Support but make sure your boundaries are not being violated and do not become comfortable with being a free therapist because eventually it will take a toll on you.
I consider those people straight up toxic and I stay away from them. If they’re constantly complaining and not taking your advice and you’re walking on eggshells around them, leave the relationship.
@@jp-gy3vh EXACTLY!! Leave and never look back💼💼💼💼
This video was very helpful for me. Thank you for posting this and raising awareness about this behaviour; I feel it will enable me to become a better and less annoying version of myself and I have shared it with my friends because I believe it will help some of them as well.
I feel I might have been dumping my emotions unto friends more than I had been sharing. Thank you for helping me fix that communication issue.
Wow, you delivered to me a huge aha! moment. Thank you so much 🙏
I have a friend that’s like what you’re describing. I try my best too switch the conversation to something fun and exciting but yet some reason their phone goes dead when the conversation is interesting. I find it ironic their phone never dies when they are dumping their problems on me like I’m their problem solver
This is such a fabulous video. I now know how to act and also how to respond to someone else doing it. Thank you!
Loved this video. Thank you! Very insightful. I’m guilty of doing this and also have been on the receiving end. You explained everything nicely end to end.
This is brilliant. Made me rethink how I communicate with friends and family. Thank you!!
This is such a useful video for me. As a natural listener I realise I'm dumped on a great deal. This video explains why I'm left feeling manipulated after being dumped on - it's because I'm told only one side of a story but can't get a word in to ask questions to clarify things. I realise that the person dumping is not doing their own homework to contact their inner source, or to understand their own feelings about their situation. Were they to do that, they could then take the responsibility to decide how to go forward. I must now work out how to handle such situations!
I think the first time I watched this video, I misunderstood the point of it. If the problem is always outside of us, the solution is always outside of us and it leaves us in a helpless state and doomed to the same cycle like you said. No room for vulnerability, growth or change. At first I thought that you were saying we need to take responsibility for the external circumstances that may have brought about a certain feeling in us, but it's not that. In order to maintain the control we do have in the situation, it is literally important to acknowledge how we are feeling (which is non negotiable) as the very reason we can and should do something about it, and this gives us options, helps us get to a better place and allows us to grow into healthier versions of ourselves regardless of whatever action we eventually decide to take. Aside from that are the obvious benefits of taking back our ego function, too. I think I get it now. This can actually be a wonderful opportunity to build trust with ourselves by resuming responsibility of the ego function as opposed to the way I was initially thinking of it which might leave me to wonder if perhaps I am overreacting about a particular situation. Thank you for making this! Very insightful.
Fabulous! Very clear. Very helpful. Speaking with someone who is emotionally dumping is exhausting, very unsatisfying, disturbing even because it’s one long complaint but it’s always very vague. I’m never sure what their point is.
Thank you Heidi, you have been a Pilar on my healing journey!
One of the most helpful videos ever and I watch TH-cam daily
Great advice - I love it and I am using it every day now. I think one problem is that if I state how I feel, people tend to invalidate my feelings. Coming in with toxic positivity, or trying to support me by reprimanding me for feeling that way. eg, "no-one can make you feel that way without your permission." Along with "its on you that you are triggered". Then I feel the need to prove just how bad it was. I really look at my words now and hardly ever share. People can only offer what they are capable of.
Thank you so much, this is really helpful! Never heard of this but I've done it instinctually before.
Thank you Heidi, I was doing the emotional dumping looking for suppprt, and I wasnt even aware of that, I usually shared my feelings about the situation only with people I felt really safe. This is a very ppwerful distinction for me, thank you for all the wisdom you share.🙏🙏🙏
I’m noticing I’ve done both of these, sometimes in the same conversation. For example, I’ve emotionally dumped, to get the response I was looking for, but then felt bad and backtracked, to give a more nuanced perspective and explain my wrongs in the situation. By the time I backtrack though, it’s too late, the person I’m talking too made up their mind, because I started with emotional dumping, and now they think I’m “victim blaming” myself when I try to add my own contribution to the madness.
You are a blessing! So grateful for your videos.
🤯 great insights and tips…I have been both dumper and dumpee and will definitely keep your useful tips in mind, thank you!
Great clarity and a topic that’s both helpful and not common knowledge to describe these things.
That's not exactly what I understand emotional dumping to mean, however, I think it ties with what you are discussing. To me "dumping" is griping and not changing. You expect me to listen to all your garbage, you feel better (I feel worse) but you never "fix" your problems. And there's a different one every week. We just can't go have fun because you can't let go and won't allow it, until you are left alone because no one wants to deal with you and your problems. I am not your therapist. The fact that everyone else has problems but you don't work on yourself first with a therapist indicates vulnerable narcissism.
Hey, I think that's jumping to conclusions a little too soon. No one is obligated to listen to a friend/relative/w/e rant on about their problems all the time. Yes, it is exhausting. But friendship or companionship isn't just about waiting for someone to conveniently be what you need them to be in order for you to be happy and have fun. It also includes genuinely caring about that person, doing things for them because you want to, encouraging them to get help, and if needs be, distancing yourself for both your sake and theirs. Not because they're just annoying, but out of a genuine care for their well-being (you are not helping them by enabling these patterns of behaviours) and out of self-respect and your first responsibility to care for your emotional state. As said in the video, this isn't about them and how annoying they are and why nobody wants to be friends with them. It's about how you're feeling, what you're willing to do and what works for you. Some people take a long time to learn and heal and that doesn't necessarily make them narcissists.
@@sparkstudies1675 Who's jumping to conclusions? Maybe you??? I'm talking 15 years here. Can't there be a little fun? Every time I hear from her it's a new problem. Can't even go to a restaurant for fear she will start crying. Can't go for a walk or a drive or just be. There's just two of us in the relationship, me and her problems; she's checked out. In the beginning of the relationship I said I would be supportive if she got a therapist. She claimed that she did. But it's always complaining and I never hear a word about anything else. Yes, she's taken on a troubled child from a bad environment, I get that, which is why I was supportive. But she never did anything for herself. It got to a point where she broke down right when we were in the middle of our own crisis. I told her that I would support her in healthier ways but we have stuff going on right now. That comes first. Most of the time I am in a position to give but right then I wasn't able to carry her, she was gonna have to stand on her own feet. She couldn't handle that and I blocked her. I am sad about it but I don't feel bad. She's toxic. One of the last things she told me was that she was diagnosed NPD by a different therapist.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 Ok well my bad I didn't realise you were talking about one specific person the whole time, and you didn't mention that you already spoke to them about their habit of never putting in effort to find solutions, or even how you were feeling. From what you now describe, that isn't a relationship at all, as she just takes and never gives. I do feel sorry for her, because as much as people's problems annoy us, they probably pain the person carrying them even more, but I definitely understand how something like this isn't healthy for you at all. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Thank you for trying and I sincerely wish you both the best.
@@sparkstudies1675 Hey, no problem. No harm no foul. I guess that I should have been more clear. Originally, I wasn't going to go into such detail. You are correct though that relationships aren't all about fun. I think for most people it's hard to find someone who's willing to listen and that most people only want fun and games, will jump ship when things get rough. I'm not like that. I believe a true friendship is more balanced and can maintain both good and bad, be satisfying for both parties. Cheers.
You're really good, I'm happy I found you. Thank you for sharing your knowledge!
Brilliantly explained! Keep 'em coming Heidi!
P.s How does empathy play in with this? How do you stop confusing empathy with ego function outsourcing, especially for people who crave validation because their experience wasn't properly validated in childhood?
whoa. how insightful! it made me flash back a few times when people were extremely emotive, and i would listen, but not have any emotional response. i could talk to them about it, but i think there was an emotional expectation and they were outsourcing their own emotions.
when i calmly listened, i was being cold. one time someone said “how can you be so fucking calm!!”
i remember being a maintenance person and after a huge fire, the property manager was upset and i was confused about how it seemed he didn’t like that i was calm.
i was more like the fire chief. i loved his calm presence.
i was very very engaged with my ex wife’s home births, and the midwives loved how i was calm and helpful even in the presence of a retained placenta with hemorrhaging.
this video has also paralleled my ex wife’s father and her now best friend. they both have big reactions to emotional responses.
my ex was emotionally shut down for years, and that made the divorce word a huge surprise to me. perhaps she wouldn’t share because i she knew i wouldn’t match her emotional level. i don’t know if this is a deficit of mine, or just a different way of being present with a person.
honestly, i didn’t have the maturity to analyze these situations and i have always been
confused by them.
i’m really curious how connected my ex wife is to her mom’s responses to her sharings. she is much more of a calm person and does life coaching.
my ex also loves dr phil type shows. it all makes sense after this video. hopefully i can be more aware of my own reactions and take note of the emotional expectations on me.
This is a very interesting perspective and I think it's a shame we aren't taught this from somewhere. I don't know where. I needed to hear this today and am going to start small in implementing it. I am at the point where I am mentally exhausted with having to be the garbage can of other people's stuff. They are not behaving in a way(that I can see) that shows me they want to hunker down and actually improve their situation. I'm also not saying that I don't dump on other people but I am trying to be more aware of when I am doing it. Everybody has their own internal war going on. Try and look at the bigger picture and ask yourself if this is really worth feeling the outrage they want you to validate. It's draining.
Thank you for the vid, really helped with my study/reflections. So much to take from this video! Your channel Is great!
I love you Heidi. ;) Thank you so much for your videos. That is pretty sort of life-saving or lets say illuminating to me and the content gives me hope every day now. You rock big time! 🥳🥳🥳
OMG thank you for that clarification. Me ex has been emotionally dumping on TikTok and I needed that clarification on the purpose of those types of actions. Walking away in peace now. Thank you!
So needed this information for better communication with self and others.
Today I was the emotional dumper. The stranger, to whom I shared my thoughts was completely calm, even in the moment of dissarray we were both witnessing. I felt deprived and baffled by his demeanor, as I realized he had the upper hand being calmer while I simmered in frustration. I never got to understand where he was coming from, but I wanted closure so I kept asking myself, "What can I learn from this situation?", until I came to a reasonable conclusion and felt a sense of resolve.
this is pure gold thank you so much
I need this! It’s like word vomit 🤮😩!
i really appreciate the way you separated the two!!
Very very interesting, my friends' time is important for me I know they are super busy with their own lives so I hate wasting it on my problems, therefore I have always tried to use it wisely, and if I ask their help t osolve any of my issues; I try to think carefully in order to present that problem as much as real as possible. Your video has helped a lot to know how to separate drama from real showing what my struggles are and how to get effective feedback from my clever friends.
You are wonderful Heidi
Wow! This video is my introduction to your channel. I subscribed. Looking forward to learning more. This seems efficient and effective strategy for moving through emotions. Impressive 👍
Love love love this, I will for sure be practicing everything here with myself
Oh dear, I do this all the time and never realized it. I feel like I constantly need justification for my feelings or validation in how I’ve reacted to a stressful situation. I think I need to rewatch this video to fully digest everything. 😬
I definitely have been guilty of emotionally dumping before. I don't do it as much now. But it was a result of emotional abuse and being invalidated for over a decade. Having people validate what happened to me helped me to realise that I wasn't wrong to feel bad for what happened to me.
Good to know that there is a bad habit I didn't know off which I'm not doing.
Always good to know you're doing something right
You are amazing. So grateful I found this you!
These videos are very good. They hit home. To bad om realizing all of this to late.
I really enjoyed this one. Thank you! I will be trying to be more aware of when I dump vs share!
oof! meat ++++++ potatoes!!!
i just discovered your channel and I’m here👏🏾for👏🏾it👏🏾all👏🏾
these are the type of topics we should be dissecting w one another!
brilliantly dissected, Heidi👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I feel this channel is incredible
I think I did this for my entire adult life.
Thank you for opening my eyes and also giving me the right tools to correct this behavior and seek for the right kind of help.
It definitely has gone both ways for me. I appreciate this video because I didn't know how to tell the difference.