Hello you beauties. Access all episodes 10 hours earlier than TH-cam by Subscribing on Spotify - spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - apple.co/2MNqIgw. Here’s the timestamps: 00:00 Why Women Hate Their Sexy Friends 07:08 The Psychology of Slut-Shaming 14:34 Do Men Use Indirect Aggression Too? 19:35 Intra-Sex Dynamics of Female Sports 27:51 Why Women Attack to Cure Jealousy 33:04 Hairdressers Are Sabotaging Attractive Women 36:34 Declining Mental Health in Young Girls 41:35 The Problem with Social Media 45:25 Relationship Between Bullying & Status 51:40 How is Adult Bullying Different? 59:50 How Our Bodies React to Bullying 1:13:30 Reversing the Harm of Past Bullying 1:20:52 Interventions to Reduce Bullying 1:25:51 Where to Find Tracy
I don’t understand why you’re promoting an audio platform that is very video centric where the content can’t be heard alone. I’d be distracted trying to picture the podcast. Perhaps consider re doing your production workflow; audio first, video (or “film” last)
I am a woman, I once worked in an office dominated by women and although I loved the job , I had to mentally and emotionally prepare myself before going into work EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was the worst experience at a job ever. The backstabbing, gossip, harassment ,emotional manipulation, bullying, alienation from the group was through the roof. Simply wearing a nice outfit would set off a chain of events that left me so drained.
I moved to a new team and realised that putting effort into my dressing is only going to make enemies. Now, I dress down a bit compared to before even though I love pretty dresses.
Im a nurse. I had to leave NYC as the bad longhouse behaviors were supported by management and, essentially, the policies of the organization and the locale, besides the geographic norms. this included sexual behaviors, "light violence" (hand slapping, nudging with bodies), character assassination, demands to conform to political norms (take a knee), etc etc.
Tell me about it. I’m a very logical person. They emotionally manipulate YOU and victim shame YOU but then lie to people that YOU’re the one who’s “unkind and manipulative” so they can cause malicious gossip and drama. Wtf is wrong with most women and where do they get the time and energy to do this crap. And don’t get me started on how they actively misinterpret what you text them so they can post it for their friends to see!
My daughter had a job once dominated by women. She said it was the worst experience of her life. She told me she’d work for a man any day over a woman. She said men rarely hold grudges and are much more logical in their thinking where as the women in higher positions were always strategically trying to position themselves by gossiping and backstabbing particularly other women whom they felt were a threat to them professionally. She said it was exhausting working for women.
I’m a female with Asperger’s. Can’t play games and everything is literal. Women have been the worst bullies all my life. Pretty much never been bullied by a man.
Same. Not about the autism, but about the worst bullies ALWAYS being women. I can only imagine how much harder the female social dynamic is when you're diagnosed autism given how subtextual, and implied, and passive aggressive female interactions can be.
Same here, undiagnosed. I thought I wasn't bullied as an adolescent but I think it's more likely that I didn't notice it at the time. I've been bullied at work as an adult and it's crippling. It was passive aggressive which is not my style of communication and it really tripped me up
@@brianna094 I can relate to it! I have a theory that women, and especially those describing themselves as feminists, can’t cope with females who have Asperger’s because our communication style tends to be honest and direct - so, culturally something they attribute to the ‘evil white men’. Our inability to play games is perceived as a personal affront.
@@pingu3984Luckily I live in a country where I could use disability laws to protect myself. But I think many women on the spectrum suffer from being bullied by their ‘sisters’ simply for the sin of not fitting in.
Womens' favorite passtime is judging other people. As a socially awkward guy who was brought up christian, it really caught me off guard seeing just how crappy many women are towards guys that they don't see as potential mates.
I used to be a teacher and I remember the year I taught kindergarten I was astounded by the behavior of the girls. At one point they banded together and bullied the most beautiful girl out of the group and made fun of her appearance. These girls were SIX.
I. A woman. Can say with absolute certainty, that yes! The body positivity movement is absolutely about keeping other women "ugly". There's a reason you don't see "skinny" or fit women jumping on the bandwagon and gaining 200 plus pounds. It's heavy women keeping other heavy women HEAVY. Dragging other women down so they don't have to feel bad.
You're right. Women who were overweight or obese who lost weight suddenly see a lot more interest from the opposite sex...and they tend to lose "friends" they had when they were overweight. A common phenomenon and it doesn't surprise me.
Lol yes! As a guy, I noticed on social media fit and attractive women get very little praise in the comment section from other women that aren't fit and attractive. However, when women that are overweight have a big following there's only women in the comment section giving praise.
Body positivity was started by a fat woman and was about other fat women loving themselves and then thin women took it and ruined it. It was never about competition. It was supposed to be for big women ONLY.
@@Guyomarsounds like that crabs in a bucket mentality i hear about, gist of it was the crabs in a bucket will pull the other crabs down, ensuring that none escape.
This was so frustrating at work. All the guys had a bro-code going and helped each other out. All of the women were frenemies. No matter what I did, I could not get past that.
Holy shiz, mine is the other way. The Girls have a Sister-Code and sort of help each other out. Even if 1 or 2 Girls are causing trouble and being plain Unfair and Entitled, they still "protect" each other be Bad People. A certain number of Guys are Frenemies/Competitors and would always "stick to the Herd" of Gals that dress up the most beautiful.
Good Lord, I just did a read through the comments and I am both horrified and relieved. I thought it was just me (horribly bullied in high school). And all the way through my 20's, 30's, etc.....but now I'm 76 and it has mostly stopped. What a relief. A few years ago I decided to dress up, wear makeup, etc. for the morning dog walk. And the older women are really supportive and complimentary. I guess once you're no longer considered to be a threat, the claws retract. Chris, I really appreciate that you bring on interesting women to your podcast. Most men podcasters just talk to other men--which is interesting but vaguely alienating. Thank you for this. It will probably save me thousands in therapy--ha! I have listened to women say that the world would be a better, safer place is it was run by women. I just say 'careful what you wish for'. It would be a nightmare.
I don't know. I mean I've been bullied by both men and women, starting at age 6 (my first memory of being bullied by a grown adult). However, men running the world has been pretty crappy for women. Maybe if women had actual power we'd have more worthy leaders in women, rather than the hen-pecking, passive-aggressive anger I see in too many women now. Yes, there are always going to be women who abuse power, but men have already been doing that for hundreds of years.
@@nordicpandiWomen have more rights just now than they have ever have had at any point in history. And the quality of life all over the world for both men and women is the highest it's ever been since humans evolved. Seems the patriarchy hasn't done so badly after all... Not that there isn't room for improvement, of course.
As a kid I was taught to protect women and that they are more vulnerable and softer than me as a boy. Then I grew up and found out that girls and women were not the innocent, delicate creatures I was taught they were. On the one hand I found out that women are more capable than society gives them credit, they can surprise you if you underestimate them. And on the other hand they are very self aware of their status in the hierarchy and will find ways to weaponize rules, policies, and laws against anyone who slights them. I have seen women use teachers, bosses and the law enforcement to act as their personal attack dogs either on me or my friends. When men are wronged they strike back until "it's even." Women are far more volatile, they don't stop just because you're down, they will only stop until they have socially "obliterated" their target. Only then are they satisfied. And it's that one trademark of women's mindsets that I resist the idea of living in a Matriarchy. Men are far more sympathetic to the plight of others than women are. And we will see tyranny take a deeper hold in a female run society than a male one.
99% of that hate would have been from women. It's biology not society. I'd hazard a guess that you could find similar patterns of behaviour in female chimps.
Well done. I'm sure people were jealous of you and felt threatened by you because you've shown them it's possible to lose weight and you did it and they didn't.
This woman is AMAZING. The first honest woman I have heard in a long time, because she actually said " I think it's easier for us to blame men than look at ourselves". Abso- LUTELY. It goes without saying that men are plenty often terrible. But it doesn't go without saying how much women are pretty much just as bad and totally self deluded on so many levels. All my ex's have been completely self deluding victim playing monsters. Thanks for speaking some honesty
I was watching a video of a TH-camr asking women if they would ever do Onlyfans. All of them said NO. When asked why not, some said it's immoral, some said it's disgusting and some thought it would destroy their chances of getting a normal job after that. But inevitably they all came back and said that they SUPPORT the women who do Onlyfans. I thought "wait a minute": You won't engage in an activity because you find it reprehensible and degrading but you "support" the people who do? How does that make sense? My conclusion was that women implicitly hate each other and they don't have a problem when other women engage in self-destructive behavior because they get to feel morally superior in comparison.
Another explanation is that women very rarely reveal their true opinions and feelings when they know their are being watched. Instead they go along with what they think society and especially other women deem acceptable. This can lead to some amusing inconsistencies like the one you described.
I don't drink or sleep around. But if those that do don't harm others then that's their free willl choice. Could be that. Though I don't promote that they should do it. Could be like that ? Or they don't want to appear judgmental.
You call this... Wiping out potential 'competition'. It is a tactic used even in war fair, ruling societies, in prison camps, etc. Humans are slic. Sad is it. Another reason to treat and behave very well towards a human who has good, caring, warm, trustworthy intentions with you and towards you and your loved ones.
@@hughguys1183iirc, cant cite any researchg, but those who did work in OF type field seem to have less kids than "normal women".... I wonder if that is true and then it would totally play into that theory... afterall biology system programming only cares of offspring, not parents.
As a fairly attractive woman, I haven't been bullied by women, but I've been treated with contempt. For years, I was naive and could not understand why most women treated me with meaniness for no reason. Now i understand, and i can almost immediately recognize the envy and disrespect. I reduced my inner circle significantly, and I will walk away or shut down a conversation when I recognize that mean girl spirit.
Once you are attractive, it is even more pronounced. I experienced it too. However, I am very direct and will fight fire with fire. So they've tried me, but then realise after their mistake when I deal with them. I too, have kept my circle small. Less drama and more peace.
Holy moly, this literally actually happened to me 😳 I was a new young hairdresser apprentice in a nice salon in Century City, California. I do have to admit that I was cute now looking back, but at the time I didn’t even know that I was. I was doing my best to learn the trade and get along with all of the hairdressers, so that they would teach me. So, this fully pledged hairdresser, who was not the cutest female in the salon befriended me and asked me if I wanted a trim. Of course, I said yes. She began to CHOP OFF my hair and I literally had to grab her wrist to make her stop. Female rivalry & jealousy is absolutely WICKED !!!
Girl that's crazy, but not surprising. I've had so called girlfriends cut my head off when taking photos of me and refusing to even take photos of me, but take them of everyone else in the group. I've even had more than 1 so called female friend set me up to be assaulted or worse. All in the name of jealousy. Believe me, I am fully aware always and would rather live in isolation.
thats out of order. i as a dude used to work on a factroy floor sewing bikinis and lingerie so it was mostly women and the bitching was so amazing, a girl would literally be in a room for 2 minutes, every other girl fake smiling at her and putting it on, the second she leaves the knives all come out.. as an example of hundreds of times i had just observed such incidents.. and the gossip was no better in fact probably worse.
I know a young woman who while being incredibly attractive but also has severe social anxiety. She has been the victim of bullying from women since she was a preteen.
To bad she wasn't given any tools to deal. Pretty er not, Girls are rotten to other girls. She's not special. Take comfort knowing that... ya know for her.
@@alwaysbraum TBH she hasn’t overcome it. Her response to her bullying was substance abuse, weight issues and depression. She’s now in her 30’s and alone.
@@alwaysbraum overcome it. You reach a zero fcks given point. Learn verbal judo. Connect with some older women who have already cut the weeds down and can help you walk through. Then if someone fcks with you. You call on your girl gang. Because you now know how to be a friend. You can't be a victim if you don't allow it.
@@Guildofarcanelore a good therapist who doesn't coddle you goes a long way. I've been there. I'm in my 40's was lucky to not have social media shoved up our asses. I had to do some serious work to be the bad bitch I am today. No one cared about my misery. Cleary she is crying for help. I myself was just like her. It takes alot of unfukery work. Ya either do it or don't She's got choices. Do nothing Do something. No one cares about her past but her.
@@heidi22209 she is in therapy and medicated for her depression. She is taking the right steps. She became very overweight, (personally I think to mitigate her looks) and she is trying to be more healthy. She has overcome her alcoholism, but it’s a struggle. The indirect aggression she has experienced is difficult for her to overcome, the people she thought were her friends were not and their (eventual) betrayal has cut her very deeply.
💯 true! My lesbian supervisor constantly tried to bully me and when I dragged her into a meeting with hr, she had a toddler style meltdown complete with screaming and crying. Ran out of the room and went home. Turned coworkers against me and accused me of homophobia. Rather than put up with this shit, I resigned. I’m a woman btw.
Me too. A lesbian senior had a meltdown because our supervisor entrusted setting an MS Teams Call (yes, just sending an invite) to me. She literally confronted me about this during our meeting, to where I answered professionally. She's like 10 years older than me, but acted like a toddler, and I always have to act like the bigger person. Shameful that other people, specially leads, get to witness that. I feel that she doesn't like that our male supervisor are giving me tasks. Even if she's lesbian, she still aims that 'trust' from men. I still am angry with her, but I know she's getting the repercussions of her stupidity. She was removed from our project for good.
I never had sisters. Only brothers. When I got to college and moved into the dorm, I was miserable. Women truly are challenging. I literally have 3 friends I trust.
Yes! I learned at an early age to hide my strengths and to downplay my talents because I realized that making my three older sisters jealous of me was a road to being bullied and mocked. This idea of a supportive group of women who are morally superior to men is BS.
That sisterhood crap has always been complete bullshit. I only see the worst type of selfish narcissist ever talking about it. Put five attractive women in a room with one ugly/awkward girl and you will see the attractive ones form a little compliment/praise/girlfriend circle with each other, completely ignoring the ugly one's existence. It's wild how many times this has been tested and proven. Any one of them, if one on one with the ugly girl, may have been very sociable with her. But people are pack animals first and foremost.
I've worked in women's spaces all my life (as in I'm usually the only man in the job surrounded by women with women bosses, etc.) and women everywhere, always, fall to in-fighting. Even the grounds that get along pretty well will still gossip about each other, make comments, and passively aggressively tear each other down. It's crazy.
Same here, they gang up on you, isolate or bully you. I had to cut ties much later in life when I understood I didn't need them so badly that I would put up with being undermined and bullied. My older sister is positively poison.
The original Cinderella movie talked about this very same thing. It was super accurate. But nowadays movies are only allowed to show positive things about women. Our society doesn’t want to address bad female behaviour and therefore it gets worse and it goes unchecked. Women and men both need to be held accountable for bad behaviour. Whenever a person or a group of people is not held accountable, it’s an invitation for them to act badly. It just so happens that our society is worse at holding women accountable
Yeah, it’s great what she is doing. Our society went overboard with only ever praising women. But when we don’t address bad female behaviour, it just gets worse. Same with male behaviour or any person’s behaviour. I work in the adolescent mental health field and Tracy has given presentations at my hospital. She’s awesome Females aged 11-13 are especially at risk. I’m glad she is addressing this. It’s not a popular topic to be researching... imagine the flack that Tracy hasn’t had to deal with in researching this stuff.
Is it bad female behaviour though? I’d argue that it’s not bad to want to compete for quality mates and resources? It’s only natural behaviour, but it’s not been spoken about because women are far more subtle and intelligent in our female-female communication methods and social dynamics.
I’m not saying that all forms of that behavior are bad, just that it can get out of control if it goes unchecked. For example, “toxically masculine” behaviours like being controlling or trying to intimidate other guys could be seen as natural and as a way of securing a good mate. I do believe that indirect aggression is a problem in the context of teen girls because social media amplifies these forms of bullying. Social exclusion, spreading rumours, spreading embarrassing pics/vids... social media makes these things worse. Plus teen mental health is generally in a bad spot now. Especially for teen girls 11-13 years old, the rates of anxiety/depression/eating disorder/self-harm/su1c1des are up. Because of this, we should address the behavior. I think that lots of natural behaviours can be toxic if they go unchecked and start causing a lot ignored harm.
I am in a family of 5 sisters and no one has bullied me as badly as my sisters have and everytime I call it out I'm being 'defensive' I decided to stand out for myself and distance myself from them for my own mental health.
I have amazing female friends in my life and it’s so much richer because of them. I think these women genuinely tackle the dark feminine traits in their own hearts which is why we can genuinely encourage and support each other. Thank God for good women ❤️
The Italian film "Malena" starring Monica Bellucci pretty much encapsulates everything Dr. Vaillancourt is saying about how women punish other women for being too attractive.
Ah, I love that movie! And in the book, 'Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret' by Judy Blume, a GIRL, who is developing into a busty young woman, is mocked and teased and gossiped about by her female classmates for no good reason; just jealousy!
I've worked in engineering for 24 years. In the past 7 years, I've seen an increase in women coming into the engineering work. I was NOT prepared. I like dressing how I want and putting fun colours on. I like red lipstick. Also, I enjoy genuinely complimenting people to make them feel good when they've clearly made an effort. Women are generally toxic. I get why men moan about them now. It's all a big psychological game to them.
@@NinaHQuinnI haven’t finished the video, but I’m curious where age plays a role in all this. Or what kind of role age plays. Women in their early 20’s compare to women in their late 30’s, 40’s or 50’s.
Everything she says about sports can be applied to the workplace. After years of hell in a female dominated workplace where I noticed people were judged by popularity not ability… I’m now in a mixed workplace and it’s so much better. HOWEVER diversity and inclusion nonsense has seen my company strive to hit a 50/50 split and I can see the impact. Women in the workplace are more prone to cronyism, even at the expense of the business. If you’re a guy and you notice a high performing female colleague being left out, bullied, not given credit, cut out of projects, please support her. I am forever grateful for the male colleagues who had my back in the toxic company I was at previously
A mixed workplace is just as toxic. I cannot believe all the women who were fighting for the attention of the most desirable guy in the team. I can't with the pettiness and left the team. The new team has just girls. I felt this is better. At least women here don't attack me for the attention I get from a male manager. Here the competition is on who dress better etc 😂😂😂 which is manageable..
Why would you specifically support women? Do you support men who are excluded and not given the recognition they deserve? It's people who need to be supported, not a gender. You profited from being a woman and having men activate their protector instincts, which often harms men, which don't get this same favoritism you got.
@@aronhighgrove4100 There needs to be a new term in psychology called "Appeal to simping", so whenever women make calls like "Respect all women", "Believe all Women", "Empower all women" (Via affirmative action), and "Prioritize Supporting/mentoring all women in the workplace" you can point out the ridiculousness and double standards of their request
I've been bullied out of jobs .I had a mental breakdown and just can't cope working with other women any longer . I am in the process of retraining and working for myself.
Women say men don't know what they are talking about when we say these things about women, how they are ruthless and demeaning to each other but it's the women in our lives who consistently tell us this. I cannot tell you the amount of women I know that absolutely refuse to be friends with other women.
The difference in why some people go left and others right comes down to the support they have at home . The power hating by other peers had in me was close to zero..because my parents, cousins and aunts loved me endlessly and unconditionally. The self esteem i derived from my parents is through the roof. I can see it in my kid too. He once said to us he got bullied and we asked why he didnt tell us and he said "i really dont care" and he really said it wirh stoic voice while playing his nintendo and no change in his demeanor at all. Like he was just talking about lunch. We have poured into him since day 1. His self esteem is through the roof too.
That’s so encouraging to hear! Im 38 weeks pregnant with my first, a boy. Im hoping my husband and I, along with our extended family, can do this for him and whatever siblings he may get :)
Temperament has a lot more to do with the direction of individuals than people give it credit for, which is mostly biologically dictated. Sure you can steer how kids respond in some ways but things like stress tolerance, aggression and disagreeableness cannot be changed through nurture but simply channeled in another direction. You can't exactly transcribe a female oriented viewpoint onto young boys, especially when it comes to their style of bullying. You can have kids from the same family and one of them will just slowly break down and fall apart due to bullying and then the other sibling has the same thing happen but their response is swift immediate violence which stops the bullying in it's tracks. Both kids raised the same but their innate biological response mechanisms for fight or flight are the deciding factor.
@@theperfectbeingIf you’re ever around a very healthy loving family you’ll notice the kids are secure in themselves- regardless of personality. That security and resilience come from nurture, it comes from love. It’s brain science, and thankfully our brains can change for the better even as adults!
20 years in the Navy I watched how women treated each other , which was awful, as a supervisor I separated them keeping them in different shops. Like I tell my daughter one day you will meet a good man and he will be your best friend and you will not have to deal with women again.
Dr. Vaillancourt is totally accurate and sharply observant. I'm an attractive 51 yo. Been wearing long baggy men's clothing day in and day out just so women including girls 1/3 my age don't get indirectly aggressive. The only time I look feminine is when I'm with hub. We females should really be kinder more respectful to each other. Otherwise we'll always be the weaker gender group.
I was just talking to my mom about how difficult it was to have a good friend as a girl. I noticed patterns of having friends that would hate when I got male attention and when I showed that I didn’t care for it, they would get sour. I found that copying was happening a lot too while also trying to isolate me on purpose from getting more friends while trying to exclude me at the same time. Basically, a lot of women would prefer if you jumped off a bridge for existing if you’re richer, prettier, have a better body, friends, and dress better than them. It’s really evident when you just walk into a room. Places that were the most hostile to me have been Sephora, spas, clothing stores and beauty clinics.
Nietzsche believed women are incapable of friendship, the rest of the quote one should refer to the original text as cows are not a bad thing in context (they can ascend to heaven). profound. women can be good mothers, good sisters, good daughters, probly not good friends. when we turn women into slaves, the whole race is slavish. when we turn women to power, the whole race is corrupt. women are more natural than the nature of men. "there is no woman as such." -Nietzsche
Wow...my friends at lower and high school were the best. We had long enduring friendships. So many happy times growing up, through all the changes. I will never forget them and ever great full to them and their companionship. 😊
I can relate, especially with the copying. Recently, this coworker acted dismissive when I excitedly showed her a photo on my phone of some shoes that I’d ordered online. (I’d been tracking them forever, and finally caught them on an insane markdown.) Then today, she shows up to work in the SAME SHOES, just in a different colorway. 🤣 I literally wouldn’t have cared, if she hadn’t been memorably nonchalant toward me, but the fact she acted like she didn’t care and then copied me had me feeling some type of way. That’s just the tip of the iceberg I’m terms of how certain women treat me.
How fitting. I am female and have just let myself get bullied out of a job I was excelling at for almost two years. I worked myself to a promotion, got a new female boss im july who has no clue about how we do things. but she is my boss, so I was told I have to listen to her. She destroyed the workflow of the team, disregarded any of my advice and in the end managed to bring me to a painful bore-out because she took away most of my tasks. I have had to watch the quality of out work plummet for months and months. I was not allowed to do anything about it so I quit. I hate stupid, jealous women... the damage they can do is incredible. I have become very distrustful with many of them.
I'm sorry that happened. You seem like you are in a kind of work that requires thought so I'll just tell you that even in places where there is no thought required, no expertise, no creativity needed, and no place to move up to women are still catty with eachother. I work in a flipping factory and it's that way and I've been confused about it for years. There is no logic or rhyme or reason. There aren't any good looking men there either for them to compete over non the less if a pretty girl gets hired the older women will hate on her
Good news is that moving jobs tends to come with a pay increase. Here you get the added benefit of also getting out of a horrible environment where you could no longer advance. It's certainly comfortable staying with what we know and painful having to move away from a good situation, but from what you've said you're very capable in your field so your rebound will take you on to better things.
Very much relate with this. I went through something similar, but didn’t quit. Just managed to finally stand my ground with the female narcissist (in the truest sense, not the flippant definition that’s thrown around today). She went into a crazy tantrum, but then was in HR the very next morning spinning a yarn. They had me work the whole day, then fired me without explanation at the end of the day.
My sister was a flight attendant for many years, and always talked about how catty, gossipy, and back-biting women in that line of work were (especially those with power/management positions). But she also said that the gay men (flight attendants) were absolutely the most vicious 😂
Ive experienced that in nursing and disability support, women are catty. They will shit can a colleague in front of a client, which compromises your relationship with the client.... its hell.
@@TuffLuv1984well, more than half of that reporting is probably complete bs, overdramatizing and exaggeration, so you may not be wrong, although ironically still prove the point.
Yep. She is telling the truth. She is honest about this, MOST women are not. Because most women like to maintain the image of themselves as giving and kind because they know it’s not socially acceptable to be otherwise. I say this as a woman myself. I have been the target my whole life of women who are easily threatened. I think it’s because I am GENUINELY kind, and quiet. I have NEVER bullied other women but plenty of women have bullied or tried to bully me. I find most of time when women do this to other women it’s due to insecurity/jealousy, they love having power (power trip), or they were never nice/kind women to begin with (they were trying to pretend they were kind/nice). Or all three reasons.
I wish this was talked about more - instead society blames all these issues on men, when in fact it is women who is taking down and shaming other women.
cant remember details anymore but in this show evolutionary scientist explained these things are carved to psych especially when they have kids.... ie my kids over other womans kids, over dead body if need to be.... men , dads are usually diplomats to let kids play with each other and keep it together somehow for kids. Single women are different but these traits stay, then they compare their husbands and all that. Though having family keeps exposure to other women limited, helping mental health and stress levels, while single young adults may spend 247 with same competitive people. At least mentally if they dont spend literally together time. Some trends have increased these problems, ie women taking to workforce... though before that it was vicious with using dirty tricks destroying other women marriages or stealing their boyfriends.
For decades I have been argueing that blaming the curtailing of female sexuality on the patriarchy makes no sense. Men do not lose when women are more promiscuous and gain little benifit from policing it. But other women do. A promiscuous woman is a threat to resources of all the other women in the community.
@@grannyannie2948 _'Men do not lose when women are more promiscuous and gain little benefit from policing it.'_ I think time and place may matter. Firstly, for most of history pregnancy was dangerous. I think there was a desire to protect daughters. Secondly, resources were often scarce. If an unwed daughter gave birth, that's an extra mouth to feed and a body to clothe w/o the gain of the child's father to provide resources if shotgun weddings were not the norm. Marriage prospects were reduced. And one's family was the parents' old-age retire plan. Thirdly, most people lived in small communities, so scandal avoidance probably played a role. A 'foul' by one family member could have knock-on effects on other members.
This is mind-blowing because I've seen this time and time again and felt like I was just meeting the "wrong women." But, then, you realize, it's the majority of them. It's the rule, not the exception. I don't respect indirect aggression. It's weak. Say what you mean and mean what you say but don't be mean when you say it. There's no need for it. Additionally, a lot of women I've met who are gorgeous, I enjoyed them as people. Their beauty was just the icing on the cake. It's nice to have a deep conversation with someone who's attractive inside and out. A woman's natural beauty is like artwork. I wouldn't take a Van Gogh painting down and curse it for looking good. I'm putting it on the wall and basking in its brilliance. And a stunning woman is no less mesmerizing. Of course, the most important part is her inner beauty that never fades. That's the stuff a lasting friendship is made of. Thusly, I don't see the need to come at each other with this kind of sneaky social aggression. It's time to evolve from this and just accept each other or not. But, if you don't accept another woman because she's attractive or successful, consider looking within until you feel unthreatened. We should be cheering each other on and loving each other. Women deserve better from other women and hearing that this is the norm explains a lot of my previous experience. This is why I stay in hermit mode unless I meet someone - male or female - worth entertaining. If they've worked on discovering who they are and healing their trauma, they're more likely to be stable. If they haven't, they're probably emotionally dangerous, even if it's "subtle." Mean is mean and the indirectness of it just makes it annoying and nearly impossible to respect. Unfortunately, there are also "men" operating out of a toxic feminine energy. It's more surprising because you don't expect it from a man. But, it's the exact "mean girl" behavior you'd see from an unhealed woman and sometimes even worse. Bottom line is if it's not acceptable, don't accept it. If they try to stop you because they're envious and self-righteous, keep going. Move around each and every one of them. You don't need them. If you're connected to yourself, social isolation is like a comforting, crackling fire. It feels warm, safe and peaceful - like you need nothing else. That's what they're afraid of. They can't do that and be OK. You can and it drives them crazy. It forces them to look at their actions because they no longer have the option of scapegoating you while you live emotionally free, guided by a clear conscience that ultimately accompanies pure intentions.
No you haven't met the wrong women. It's women. Your comment nailed it. It's cathartic in a way for me...not that I want you or any other woman to experience this...but I thought I was on my own here. I only have male friends not because I don't want female friends, but because I usually get stabbed in the back by women. It seems this is reasonably universal. I too wish we as women could support and lift each other up more readily.
Well said. I got tired of blaming myself for picking the “wrong woman” when I’m simply kind and agreeable and don’t have anything to prove -especially when it comes to women. I even went to therapy to explore this to make sure I wasn't missing something within myself. There are a lot of women out there who are unhealed and lack self awareness. They refuse to do what’s needed to move on and do better.
My daughter is introverted, not shy; she is confident in any social environment and is well liked. Through junior school she was constantly enjoined to smooth over or take a side in the constant petty disputes of her peers when she just wanted to be left in peace. To my surprise she was made Head Girl in her final year. I had always tended to encourage a somewhat rebel attitude. In senior school everything changed as her former classmates formed new "friendship" groups. One former "friend" fell in with the cool kids and cut her viciously. The same one suddenly dissapeared to another local school some years later and all her social media along with. In the first two years she was ostracised and isolated, mildly unhappy. The only encouragement I could give was to say that it's a vast world and a small school. Your task is to get your tickets and go find the world; you will be a brand new person and seen differently. She overcame it, ironically, through social media - I think Bebo was the platform of choice back when. Through this she connected with other girls at school whom she would not have encountered on the day to day and she gained a bunch or real world enduring friends. Prior to parenthood I had no notion of the savage and landmined jungle that girls are obliged to negotiate. I noted that my neice preferred a friendship group of boys when she was young because it was "less complicated" Girls become women, grow out of it and form the (apparently) strong friendships that I had observed and taken to be typical for all women and girls. However it seems that not a few never mature and will remain grown females lifelong
@@jonthomas9708 I think you nailed it. Exceptional advice: Vast world, small school. Sounds like you raised a socially intelligent daughter who learned how to love herself enough to walk away when she's targeted. It is pettiness just as you said. No need for it, but there's a perceived need for it by those who feel threatened by others' success. Some of the most successful people I've ever known are the kindest. Others are definitely overgrown children who are like hyper-disciplinary teachers just waiting for you to step out of line so they can whack the back of your hand with a ruler. "Be a good, little girl now and don't outshine your peers." What's especially bad is when a girl's own mother covertly does this to her. She grows up not knowing who to trust and usually lets the wrong people in and keeps the right people out. Sounds like your daughter won't have that problem thanks, at least in part, to your thoughtfully loving parenting. ❤
Something in this that jarred with me was the repeated idea that women have a greater need to fit in with those around them than men. Certainly, when I was studying evolutionary psychology a few years back this was not the mainstream understanding. A man who does not fit in is likely to end up dead. A woman who does not fit in will still probably breed. If she's nice, the men won't care that the other women don't like her. A study of regional accents in Britain found that young men had strong peer-group accents to fit in with the gang. Unattractive low status women also had strong accents, but attractive low-status women had much milder accents, because they could marry up. They didn't need to fit in to survive.
Fancy seeing lindybeige here. And yes, I felt similarly about that point. The idea that men don't need to fit in as much as women did not seem right to me.
There is death, and there is "death". Sometimes, staying alive without having meaningful social connections is worse than death: it kills the soul, the spirit, the psyche. Money and status don't work on that.
This woman is PREACHING it! My wife turns 50 next month and STILL rants about the behavior of an opposing player in a Freshman softball game. STILL! TO. THIS. DAY! 😂😂😂
Yeah I have seen woman in their 40s still pissed about some long since past high school situation lol men have no memory buffer unless blood is involved
I’m a man. I was bullied by a group of women in the workplace by a lot of passive-aggressive behavior and remarks by my superiors. This is so spot on. I will add my anecdotal evidence. When you are one of three men in your entire wing, you’re a fly in the wall to all that is going on. And you also see the micro aggressions against you for being different. Women all around you trying to outperform you and discredit you, and then receiving negative performance reviews for providing good customer service, well, all that is in this video is spot on point. It’s sad. I couldn’t go to work without hearing snide remarks about me. And don’t say, “you’re a guy, deal with it.” Bullying and status are very much connected, and I’v seen it first hand. A bad performance review despite evidence and an argument presented to the contrary was just that, argumentative (or being responded to with indirect aggression). And it takes a toll on mental health, including for men. The stuff I had to deal with just to get a paycheck was exactly what the findings are in Dr. Vaillancourt’s study. It’s a sad state. Men have limits, too.
“Women are more vengeful than men.” Dr Vaillancourt drops yet another laser-guided truth bomb. And weirdly, she swears with phenomenal impact, which most women cannot seem to pull off. I believe she swore twice in this entire interview, both times with real impact.
I have been straight up sexually harassed by a woman in the workplace it was both weird and unnecessary because at the time I had zero power or influence at that company. I had no ability to give her what she wanted
@@kh9242 I think in the modern workplace it is used to dominate. If you responded you are opening yourself to a sexual harassment accusation. She would have had discrediting information which could be held over you.
many can relate to that, and yes, cats and nature are the best. The losers who say things like "enjoy your cats!!" as a jab don't get that a cat is better company than they could ever be^^
Thank you for this video, I've been seriously bullied since childhood by other females. The worst part is that it's invisible, nobody sees how much damage it creates. It took me years of therapy to heal.
This is fascinating. It really explains why I have such a tough time with female friendships. Being friends with guys just always seemed more straightforward. And women in an office setting are just a complete nightmare! Really brought out the worst in me. I’m glad I work for myself now!
a feminist doing an experiment noticed the same thing. Essentially she dressed up as a man and joined a bowling circle. Here she noticed tham men were massively direct but not aggressive, just honest, and then remarked that with women it would have been a massive circklejerk instead
@@gmylap7344Dang that "pick me" term is ridiculous. It's just so we can't pull women up on their shitty behaviour because men do make better platonic friends than women. My closest friends are male. All throughout my life. No love in the sisterhood.
The was study published in Forbes magazine 2 yrs ago which stated that 80% of all harassment and bullying women face in the workplace are from other women. So this checks out.
I’m from rural India and we understand relations really well, our survival depends on it. It’s less of what we can do with our hands and brains and more of who we know and what our place in the society is and being aware of it acutely. Women and men both know and act their roles, or we get a harsh reminder from the society. Getting ostracized is as bad as a death sentence. Everyone is happy, we have no confusions about who we are and what our roles are. The city folks assume they got it all figured out and try to lecture us, they look down up on us rural dwellers, but they’re the ones divorcing and cheating on each other, they’re the ones consuming and believing in western content and ultimately unhappy about their lives, not us. We watch the western content for the entertainment value, nothing more. What every traditional society around the world had always known, they’re rediscovering spending millions of dollars in research. And yet, despite the common or research backed knowledge, they’re not willing to change their ways for the fear of being cancelled, the pc culture has a vice grip on the western society at large, at least that’s what it seems to be the case from where I’m sitting.
While I do appreciate a healthy village life, because I have experienced it, we also know that there are unhealthy village dynamics (also in India) and no, it's not only women's fault. Research is needed, but more intelligent one.
I think what you describe is more a feature of living rurally than living in India. I see the same difference in Australia between rural people and city dwellers.
America has been a test subject for unhealthy social engineering for many years. It seemed to start in the 1960's with the feminist agenda. It has been super destructive for much of the population. Your description of sensible traditional rural living sounds wonderful. Not perfect but healthy overall.
I realised all these at the age of 8 and decided that I don't give a crap about it. Haven't done ever since. Many women hate it, but I don't care and I lead a happy life. Most of my friends are men. But knowing these help me navigate the pitfalls women conjure up at the workplace every day.
As an introvert male, this way of thinking is just so different from my world perspective. It's like you're interviewing a representative of a human species from an almost parallel universe. Superficially similar, but definitely not the same. Fascinating.
@@GrandpaNinjaSnailstill less toxic than r@ping babies, animals and deadbodies,I suppose,, which we know, the very specific part of our society is so famous for..
@@Iamhere829 There's also a specific part of population that sleep with young boys and also indoctrinate them into progressive ideals of transgenderism.
@@Iamhere829 🤣; case and point... toxic comparison games women play... I grew up in an all male environment and honestly its actually healthy, definitely violent and brutal at time but ultimately healthy we want to see our fellow men progress, develop and succeed. Men generally want records broken, we actually celebrate individuality and want to push boundaries on performance and success, not uniformity and power for the sake of it. Mentioning the 1% of seriously unwell men ignores the 85% of vicious women. Petty emotional, women tactics.
I'm a 53 year old woman and I haven't had a female friend in my life since 1994 besides my mother, my sister and my brother's wife (they are high school sweethearts and I met her when i was 16, she was 17 and got to know the real person). That's because another woman caused something in my life and I decided on the spot that day that I wanted nothing to do with other women. I've stuck to my family, my boyfriend then my husband and son. I even avoid my sister in laws. I have no social media so no one bothers me. I've lived drama free for the past 29 years and it was the best decision I could have ever made. No woman has interfered in my relationships ever since. It has been bliss. I have zero regrets and would recommend it to other women who are experiencing problems with women in their lives.
I also have zero female friends. No male friends either. Like you , I have a wonderful husband and some sons. I was really nervous with each pregnancy that I would have daughters. I just don’t understand the dark energy that comes from Women.
I'm the same, though I have adult children as well. I always make a classification between acquaintances and friends. I have plenty of the first but don't seek the second. I disagree that women always needed female friends to survive. Maybe as cave dwellers we did. But for most of written history women had husbands and children and a household to run. How were friends necessary?
@@grannyannie2948Imagine doing everything alone out in the wild as a lone mother wolf without the safety of the pack hierarchy. Can’t live with em or without when one needs assistance. Cash substitutes are available for hired help
women don't have each others backs. When our backs are turned they turn on us. If your a triple threat attractive intelligent a good team player they don't want you in their team, so your thrown out of the club, and they want you to leave that employment. In some cases discrimination happens and its more common that people universally know. This video is honest and true, its great that videos like this talk about these issues, this has being going on in society longer than we care to admit, yet we see such videos and in time become complacent about all these issues and change will never happen. We want positive changes yet I've not seen any changes to Psychology of other women in decades so the cycle of bullying continues. Videos like this are great but it wont make much change sadly
I have always said, Men pick on perceived weakness and women pick on perceived strength. When you folks were talking about the poor treatment of women by other around the qualifier of sexiness, I think its really important to attach the word perceived to that qualifier. The first time I was ever labeled as sexy was by my older sister when I was age 12. (I was not sexually active - wouldn't be for years - and styled myself as a tomboy). My sister was one of the first of many women to socially punish me for her perception of what she regarded to be my sex appeal. It was nothing intentional on my part and that's why the perception part of sex appeal is so important in this discussion. Thanks so much for this talk. I read Kicking the Prom Queen years ago and am happy to see more data around this subject especially with the rise of the "sisterhood" narrative pervasive in out culture currently.
Hey, I have a super insecure father and I am debatably Autistic or Aspergers according to older DSM's. I've learned in my 30's how many insecure people such as my father perceive my quiet demeanor as a deliberate and intentional attack against their ego which later on led to me keeping all my relationships with women secret so that my dad would not butt in and dissolve them out of jealousy as he does with everyone to include every car on the road in his rear-view mirror. You mentioned that women pick on percieved strength. I was viciously bullied in school for being a small but (vaguely) smart kid by all the girls. I brushed it off for the most part but I am curious as to why girls would be so vicious against a boy simply for being physically behind the puberty curve. In fairness, some girls were super cool and good friends to me and I wonder where they are now.
As the father of three grown married daughters, I am amazed we need all this research to tell us what happens! Everything that was shared, I kept thinking, "Well yeah...no kidding..." It just seems so obvious if you're paying attention. Maybe instead of government grants for research, we should gather all the community elders and start valuing their experience? Nah...put them out to pasture...
You would have the TH-cam of today, with anyone who has an opinion and an audience can present themselves as an expert. This researcher has the data, as she said in response to his devils advocate question: "had she subconsciously taken on some of the mysogeny of men?" and she replied "along with my data". The data is much harder to dismiss.
NO! YOU ARE SO RIGHT! These moderns yada on and on about "Tribes" but the tribal elders don't rate a mention. They are all creeps, hollow and ignorant (in the sense of ignoring reality).
What she said about being the best on a team but not being the most popular resonates with me! I never understood how I could single-handedly win netball matches but ended up being bullied off the team. This translates to the workforce btw. I’m now in a mixed team and valued for being very good at my job but in other places that were female dominated, I was bullied to the point of wanting to unalive myself 😊
@@unknown_feature Are they less qualified, or more helpful and less arrogant? It could be that female privilege works when talking to men, but not when talking to women, so they might be going the easy road (which is annoying when people profit from unfair advantages). Finally, sometimes it's better to learn from peers who are at an equal skill level, they will get you better. Teaching is not about performance in some narrow domain, but communication skills.
I remember having a conversation years ago with a lady at work that I was friends with. She explained all of this to me. She also told me how women are very territorial when it comes to men they are interested in, and how they view any other woman they see as threat to their relationship.
In an era of deliberate untruth (e.g., wokeness) these clearly truthful discussions beam like a bright light in the darkness. What a relief. I’ve coached elite men and women and everything she says hits hard and true. I studied the weird phenomenon of very successful male coaches in female sports and why they succeeded (my attempt to learn and do better) and it was much more about spending inordinate time adjudicating and adjusting the social hierarchy issues on women’s teams. Even at the elite level. I’m actually stunned that this woman is allowed to have a job in today’s university system, not the least in Canada. Well, more power to her. A LOT more power. 😊
I think woke ideology is socially collapsing. The conflict in the middle east is destroying their view of how their ideology fits all. Liberals are leaning with people who do honor kill!ng of fallen women and gays, and oppress other religions. Its interesting to watch the woke find where their performative empathy lies (their empathy Is just a gesture, it's not like they will actually enlist to fight in war)
@@MrAngryCucaracha That’s a long, complicated story, but in short they spent a lot of time figuring out the social dynamics, heading off ganging up on players, managing constant roommate problems, etc. Also they had to be super careful about not showing favoritism and to quickly addressing any favoritism “narratives” (usually lies). Anson Dorrance the legendary UNC women’s soccer coach, is the gold standard. He’s been coaching there 47 years and critically, he didn’t just manage female dynamics, he won and even transformed US women’s soccer. That was the challenge-creating a winning approach (being more male-like, aggressive, etc.-UNC teams were very aggressive) while still managing complex social dynamics. Pretty much stuff you don’t have to do with men.
@@tommyrq180 I would love to hear more about this. In my experience, women sometimes hide this competitiveness (consciously or unconsciously) from men. In your opinion, how do male coaches: 1. Develop a useful understanding of the traits of female competitiveness and ways to mitigate them? 2. Become aware of the "unseen" aspects of female competitiveness? I say this as a man who, despite my best efforts, still misses vicious female competitiveness playing out right in front of me.
@@Psyshimmer I studied and listened to what the really good male coaches say and do. Geno Auriemma (Connecticut women’s basketball) is another model. His teams and Dorrance’s shared a couple qualities I admired. They were more “male aggressive” than other women’s teams, consistently won, and seemed to avoid terminal intrasquad destructive dynamics. They have a sixth sense for women’s relationship dynamics. Well, and I’ll add another-they didn’t marry or have romantic relationships with their athletes. That is all too common for male coaches in women’s sports. So that should be a good start. Research what they do, and understand that it takes a TON of time, insight, and patience compared to managing men’s team dynamics. Finally, for the “what-aboutists” who are sure to pipe in, this is not to say there aren’t great and even legendary women’s coaches. Studying them would yield similar results, I suspect. I just knew there would be different dynamics with a male coach and pursued that line.
I was brutally bullied by girls in my school and neighborhood from 7th grade to 10'th grade. I was beaten up, verbally assaulted on a near daily basis. While they assaulted me they were saying "you think your pretty". I said to them, no I don't think I'm pretty, you're doing this because YOU think I'm pretty. It's so true that it never goes away. I told my mom and the authorities were called in and it STOPPED.
I am 60 yrs old have always been attractive in somewhat fit, and women have rejected me my whole life. However, I have worked in a male dominant industry, Golf/Sports. I have complained and felt victimized because I worked with all men, this has completely turned my attitude from being a victim to being so grateful most of my life was spent working with men, thank you for this. It is my birthday today and as I move forward into my 60s I will never complain again because I’ve had to work with men. Huge paradigm shift.
There is no question that the savagery of my childhood affected my success in life. I jokingly tell people that I spent the second 20 years of my life recovering from the first 20 years. That was the 40 most productive years of my life,...lost. On the other hand, everything that I endured shaped me into an extremely unique person. The questions is, would I actually be happier with who I would have become without the challenges? Would I have contributed more to society? Well, I would not willingly relive the events of my life, but then again, having gotten past it, I would not seek to revise it either. The point is, this is one of the more interesting questions of my life, and now at 65 I have come to the conclusion that I would not want to be anyone else.
well said. Same experience. It is sad to think on just how many kids are bullied out of education and the consequent lives that take lifetimes to recover.
This is such important information for both women and men to understand. The covert nature of women's social engagement is a well kept secret. Thank you to Dr. Vaillancourt for bringing this information to the forefront.
@@imperator8657its not secret, it's just that society has been actively gaslighting itself that its not happening since feminism took over. If you look back this kind of behavior was some of the original arguments against women's lib and allowing women in the workplace
Man I am glad to see comments of so many women. Because I swear to god I have tried to talk about it as a man, but no matter how I phrase my experiences it always makes me look like bad person. As if I was hating on women, as if I was stereotyping them.
As a Christian, I’m constantly trying to get over my jealous tendencies. It’s incredibly difficult. The heart is desperately wicked. I’ve found that suppressing competitiveness or jealousy doesn’t work. At all. I have to pray and work on LOVING them as a person to get past it.
I have found the SAME thing. Suppression helps not one bit- it really does come down to asking the Lord to help me love others with the same love that He has loved me❤️ Thank you for your comment!❤️🙏🏼😊
It's linked to insecurity. The best steps is to reconcile yourself to your relationships to other people. Learn to live where no dependency on their approval and be cool either way
I feel you on that. Jealousy is an ugly thing, and it just grows as you feed into it. I’ve also been praying and asking God to take it from me, as well as insecurity, when I feel it creeping in.
We feel jealous by nature as women we feel threatened. Work on your outer appearance gym organic no gluten no casein no soy no processed food will keep you beautiful. Do what you have to do to eliminate insecurity. After two kids I have to work out. Yes I’m competing to make sure my husband doesn’t get too distracted. Gym helps a lot. We have to have a bit of vanity. I’m Christian I’m sure God understands I’m doing it to help my marriage survive the young beautiful girls 😂 I’m crazy
Do you know that children from age 0 to 7 have no consciousness, no self-awareness, no self-reflection, because their brain is growing and developing.......therefore during the process of the brain growing it's very easy to program their mind to be jerks, selfish, have no values, no love no respect, no happiness or self-worth The child learns these things from observing the outside world, the child uses no filter to analyze these things, the child has no analytical thinking,, to realize what is good or wrong, because their brain is mimicking behavior of other people, without anlzying it. But I think the child is more selfware if it receives a lots of love. The childś brain is finished at age 25, therefore some people wake up in their thirties and realize that they do something wrong or that their life isn't working but they dont remember the negative programs of mind from childhood because they are 95 percent subconscious. Its like having a broken car and trying to convince the machine...well why you are doing this? stop being stupid. The machine has no self-awareness to start working. The consciousness starts at age 8, but because the child is too fragile the child can not consciously reprogram the negative patterns, because thye are 95 percent subconscious, the child is not aware of them therefore it continues to adulthood...until the person realizes something is wrong. Conscious mind is very loving, creative positive but works only 5 percent a day. Therefore positive thinking doesnt work because positive thinking comes from a conscious mind that works only 5 percent a day. Therefore if an adult seeks therapy, the therapy takes 3 or 6 months, because the subconscious mind works by frequent repetition, it's about frequent habits which means if you do good stuff 100 times, the subconscious mind will reprogram it as a good habit and values. If you don't repeat it the mind will forget it. It's like reprogramming your computer. But there are techniques that may reprogram your beliefs in 10 minutes because the human brain works as a computer software program. Watch Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Bruce LIpton's videos. They explain how to reprogram bad habits learned in childhood. People have 60 000 thoughts a day but they are ware only of 100 thoughts a day. Therefore toxic people are not selfaware of being toxic so much, because they are aware only of 100 thoughts but thye are not able to observe the subconscious thoughts. Negative thoughts are very addictive to the brain because each thought and emotion creates a chemical in the brain and the brain starts to crave these chemicals, therefore its hard for some people to change. It's like teaching a child to be toxic and demanding....after some time the brain of the child craves these toxic emotions...so the child wants to change the behavior but the brain will send him messages start tomorrow you are weak you are nobody, you can't win etc so the child or the adult is continuing to be toxic to other people, because of the addiction to hormones of stress. They found out that feeling self love gratitude empathy kindness makes you feel much more self-aware and self-conscious and reprogram negative patterns but to be more present and loving with friends and rebuild self-esteem and happiness.
Very interesting podcast. I grew up believing that men are more competitive and women are more collaborative, by our nature. Things are a lot more complex than I was led to believe.
Refreshing to have an educated, articulate, intelligent woman fearlessly give her point of view, chips fall where they may. Too often political correctness stifles anything unflattering about our natures in this climate and we can't improve what we won't acknowledge.
I find women bosses micromanage more and are more judgmental. Men bosses mainly just let you get on with your work and as long as you deliver don’t find any reason to be overly interested in you.
Holy shit the accuracy of this. My first career job out of college I had a female manager and she was so bureaucratic to begin with, then a new female AVP came in and wanted us all to fill out a spreadsheet of what we did throughout the day. I literally had to write down that 30 minutes of my day was dedicated to telling them what I was doing. This was around 2018-19 and I had never been more depressed and unhealthy in my life and eventually got let go. My next two managers at my next two jobs were/are male and exactly as you described. Very chill and would not bother you as long as you met your deliverables. I know it's a small sample size but hard not to draw conclusions from those experiences
To be fair, you must consider the possible effect of sex discrimination. If a company is a meritocracy, then you can be confident that your bosses are competent, which in part means that they will not cause needless stress or force you to work in inefficient ways. But suppose your company preferentially hires, retains and promotes red-haired people. In that case any red-headed boss you encounter is much more likely than a non-red-headed boss to be an incompetent, insecure micromanaging tyrant. If your company preferentially hired, retained and promoted women just for being women, then that would be enough to explain a lot of bad behavior by the women you worked with, so you couldn't use that as evidence that women are innately bad bosses.
I'm definitely going to get her book. After witnessing and being bullied by a range of women, mostly who followed the lifescript when I was younger I made a promise to not turn into that. I'm still kind but am assertive and boy oh boy is that treated with suspicion and sometimes outright hostility. The tradition of nice is inauthentic and I'm all about authenticity. After a nervous breakdown and a health scare I started to unpick my own internalised mysogny and now am only in competition with myself but oh wow the relational aggression is staggering. I was miserable and still never created firm strong friends when I followed the unwritten female rules so thought f that. Now I don't shrink to fit and take up space. I'm an introvert and I'm much happier in my authenticity than conforming because of others inability to look inwards. Lifes too short.
I learned some new things in this interview. The stuff about sexuality and shaming women who give it away too easily and indirect aggression and ostracizing other women was not new. However, the discussion of impression management and pretending to "be on someone's team" while not really being on their side wasn't something I'd thought about. It explains a lot.
I was severely bullied for all of my childhood and pretty much the start of my adulthood. The bullying segment really hit hard for me. I wonder how my bullies would feel today if they knew what they had done to me. It's hard not to be vengeful in light of what was discussed. But I also feel strongly that success is the best form of revenge
Success is the best form of revenge. Odds are good they wouldn't care that they'd hurt you. If they'd somehow changed and were sorry it would do nothing to undo all the harm you suffered. Best to put your energy into continuing to move forward in your life and help create an environment where it's less likely others will have to experience the same pain.
Tracy Vaillantcourt is spot on. I've experienced this my whole life but it has made me stronger. I'm gonna get her book, because this is the first time I hear a professional woman talk about this in a way that's based on research. I appreciate her.
My wife is a tailor and Vietnamese. She owned her own business with 2 locations in 2 cities for 15 years before moving to the US. She also just happens to be a knock out in the looks. We're in our 40s and everyone accuses me of cradle robbing. She's only 4 years younger, but looks 24 years younger. When she first got here she took a position at an alteration shop to get started again over here. She was by far and beyond the most beautiful woman in the room. I noticed her acting very demure and reserved during the interview. Not her typical style. She's normally a social butterfly and randomly hugs strangers after knowing them 10 minutes. I asked her about it. She just point blank told me she had to act submissive and non-threatening so the other women wouldn't hate her because she is beautiful and likely more talented than them. She was more talented. Luckily within a few months we saved up enough to refound her business here. Every day was a game of her pretending to be less-than so as not to challenge the sisterhood. When she would come home she would hug me and tell me why she has always liked men more. She would say men are hornery and mischievous, but rarely mean, or cruel. We stay little boys at heart, but women get old and dark hearted.
I was 178cm tall (5 feet 10) with C cup boobs when I was 12 years old. Also quite smart academically and blond with blue eyes and quite ok figure. I was MISERABLE throughout my school years. In junior school always picked up on for being too smart, as I got older things like boys lifting my skirt in the hallway, rumors about male teachers having crash on me, girls ignored me etc. started. Always slut shamed, even by teaching stuff - getting lectures infront of all class how I was inappropriately dressed while all the other girls had their skirts shorter and their tops cut deeper. Always wanted to make myself smaller so I can fit. As a result I got myself into a cycle of ED, social anxiety and depression. I'm ok now (although still medicated in my 40s) but still can't look at my teenage photos without being sad - I was beautiful and smart but so deeply miserable. Oh by the way - anyone I meet from my school remembered me as that cool/beautiful girl that had it all perfect in her life. What an irony
I had the same thing the male teachers having crushes on me rumors. In tenth grade people were saying the math teacher had a crush on me. people were also assuming we were doing sexual stuff together.
My sister and her similar looking best friend had this happen to them too. They were accused of being lesbians in 6th grade. Her friend 'fixed' this by getting a boyfriend immediately and losing her virginity in 7th grade. She was accepted. My sister did none of these things and got used to being alone at school or being friends with the outcasts, who she is friends with to this day.
What do you wish your parents would have told you to do differently (not trying to alter the behavior of others)? Would this conversation have helped you at that age?
My biggest competitor was my mother. In hindsight I can see her suggestions over the years that were not to benefit me but moreso to hold me back and keep me small. I can feel the guilt in myself whenever exerting my autonomy. It’s something I’ve really had to work through It’s scary because it’s such a subtle thing that happens. Women can disguise their kindness so well and influence you to ruin your life without even realizing it
I too, like you had a similar experience. I could write a book. I only just realised after I got married and had kids that my mother was competing with me. She tried and briefly succeeded in stealing affection from my babies to her. It became obvious when I was pregnant with my second baby. One day I went outside to meet my older daughter who was coming home from school off the school bus. My mother went with me. I was 8+ months pregnant and had trouble walking. My mother literally ran ahead of me (knowing I could not hurry to her in my condition) and grabbed my child into her arms. Ok, fine. But it became obvious when my daughter strained to get out of her grip to run to me, and my mother held her back. It has caused friction between us because I call her out every time she tries to usurp my authority. And no matter how many boundaries I set, she keeps persisting.
My mom demanded I dress older and frumpier than I am as I started blossoming into a woman so she wanted me to wear professional office wear as a teenager and woman in my early twenties. My mother demanded I chop off my hair in a “professional bob” and made me uncomfortable about my chest so I wore crewnecks and long sleeves. My mother made me wear heavy bright makeup. I was so brainwashed I went along with her. It never occurred to me that my mother would sabotage me. It took until middle age for the brainwashing to wear off. Now, it’s too late.
I'm so glad others have already spoken out. Both of my parents are narcissists and as a teen I luckily caught on relatively quick that my mother was a 'mean-girl' at home and was bullying me, nonetheless it did it's damage and I in turn looked for validation and community elsewhere until that was taken from me a few years before graduation. I didn't have a steady female group growing up since I was perceived as a threat by most girls as well, which didn't help either.
This is a great video & topic. She’s speaking a reality many women have lived or seen, but many do not want to be honest about. However, I must be honest. Comment sections like these, while interesting seeing people share their stories, often perplex me. They’re often filled with people sharing their personal stories but never/rarely anyone being honest about when THEY were a problem or being unkind to someone. This is also apart of the problem that the speaker is discussing. ETA: This isn’t victim blaming, silencing or shaming or whatever buzzword either. These experiences absolutely do happen, but I’m also looking at the other side of things. I’ve seen this behavior in real time too. Someone absolutely was horrendous to her friends & played the “I can’t trust women” card. It’s absolutely insane and diabolical and more common than we think. There’s no way so many women have the same stories but everyone is “innocent”.
My mother was obese. I was always slender. She hated me for it. Especially when i started developing in my teens. I had bad acne. My mother would tell me, "i woupd rather be fat cause i can just lose weight. You have acne. You'll need laser surgery to remove the acne scars." She would tell me that i needed make up to look pretty, unlike her. She manipulated my siblings and father to dislike me. Constantly gas light me. My younger sister was a miniature version of my mother. So i was always getting it for 2 directions. I have nothing to do with either 1 of them. I finally have my peace.
I literally just commented the same thing about my younger sister (although my mother isn’t much better because my sister would trash talk me to my mother and suddenly both of them would start an argument with me). So toxic!
Cassandra, As a Mother that’s horrifying to me. For all of my Daughters childhood I was size 18 & my Daughter was a size 2-4. I know how hard childhood can be (especially high school) so I always tried to be supportive and tell her she is beautiful & not criticize her. When I was young I never thought I was pretty (although I was thin, got recruited to be in a music video and even got paid to be a bikini model.) My parents always made my siblings and I feel like we weren’t worth paying much attention to. We were abused on many levels and almost NEVER given a compliment or an ‘I love you.’ I decided to never do that to my children. I consciously chose to notice the good in them. I knew they already had that negative voice in their head (that most of us have) & I tried to counteract that. You can be a better parent than your Mom was. You can choose to speak life into your kids. You can uplift them and be a safe place to fall when they go out and the world chews them up & spits them out. Because of what you went through, you know how much power your words have. Also, in spite of what your Mother said - you don’t need makeup to be beautiful, Cassandra. Letting your true colors shine is what makes you a genuinely beautiful soul. Your light can be seen in your eyes - and THAT kind of beauty is eternal. 💕 P.S. Every time I hear my parents negative voice in my head I tell it to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP. It works! 💕💕💕💕
My goodness, just brutal to read that, I'm so sorry... Thank God I was blessed with a Mom (and 3 sisters lol) who was the most joyful, carefree, uplifting and positive woman I've ever known. I cannot imagine being torn down, degraded even, and bullied by this person that as a kid, we have up on a kind of pedestal. That's shameful behavior from someone considered "role models" and I'm glad you've found your way through. There's nothing cooler to me than seeing a woman genuinely compliment another woman on something, anything really, and mean it. REAL boss lady move, IMO. It shows me, "I'm secure enough in myself and my presentation to the world that I'm looking BEYOND the mirror, to another, and injecting some of that confidence into them, maybe they could really use it"...RIP Momma!
They viciously compete by encouraging their peers to make themselves not appealing to men, thereby clearing possible mate competitors off the field. Beautiful at any size, Queen. SLAY (that entire box of chocolates)!
It's sad but true. I am a 66 year old retired professional and feminist. I steer clear of most women, especially in the workplace. I have experienced horrible bullying, jealousy, sabotage, just because I was slender, attractive, and had a professional degree. I saw it happen to other women as well.
Very interesting. There is a lot of girl on girl bullying in teens and teenagers and it can be vicious. It takes the same firm as the guest describes. Social media has made it worse.
Jealousy is a huge motivator. If one person is getting attention then it’s taking attention away from the others. It’s a threat. So when you’re in a family of all girls you learn to hide your beauty from the others.
@@scilojI worked in an office with the makeup of 28 women to 6 men, more or less. Upon leaving my job, I remember having to do an exit interview with my supervisor who was a year younger than me. I remember telling her “i really enjoyed the atmosphere and all my coworkers. I thought it was really cool how everyone got along and there was no drama.” Her face was like 😳😳. I was like “what?” She said “omg it’s an office full of women, there’s cliques and drama all over! You probably don’t see it because there’s only 5 of you guys so everyone talks to y’all different and doesn’t include you in all the drama.” I was legit surprised. I thought ok damn, I guess even after high school and college, girls have problems with other girls. Lol
@@scilojYep! I was working in law firms, no problem with my male colleagues. Then I switched over to healthcare admin for a nonprofit and never encountered such a vicious group of people who backstabbed, threw eachother under the bus, and gossiped. The best people didn’t get ahead there. The most successful people in nonprofit healthcare (a very female run organization) were the ones who gossiped the most. They got the power. Not the ones who were actually good at the job.
Regarding friend poaching, my mother used to do this with my female (platonic) friends. At first I didn't think much of it thinking that she was just trying to make them feel more comfortable around me but then I noticed some behaviors like engaging in conversations with them that I could not participate and rudely changing the subject when I happened to start a conversation we could all participate to something I couldn't or wouldn't. Most of my friends didn't fall for it and started politely backing off of her but she was successful at least once where my friend who had married abroad ended up coming to see her and not me whenever she was in town for a few days. My mother actually poached her son's friends. To this day I find that hard to explain.
As a professional model for nearly 30 years, I’ve noticed that the loudest voices claiming “women supporting women” are often the most cruel. They support women they see as “less than” but spread lies about those they view as a threat. I’m fortunate to have a few genuine women in my life who support me, and they’re honest when they feel insecure-like saying they’ll only do face selfies w/ me & no full-body pics. I never want to make anyone feel less confident, and though it’s heartbreaking, I appreciate their openness. It’s sad how harsh women can be to each other. This summer, I wore a wetsuit to protect my skin, and my kids told me their friends’ moms were gossiping, saying I was “thirsty” and trying to “wreck homes.” Far from it. I value connection, not attention, and I’ve slept with far fewer men than most of the women I know. I can go years without dating. Ironically, my male friends may joke about my looks, but if they feel they’ve crossed a line, they apologize-something I can’t think of a single instance of from women who claim to support others.
Yes! Every girl I've ever met who has declared herself a feminist are also constantly accusing other women of trying to steal their partners. They were also so much more likely to assume women were exaggerating when they had bad experiences that reflected poorly on women.
34 year old Woman here: All throughout school I was bullied (by low status bullies and high status bullies) and then I suffered from really bad social anxiety and selective mute-ism. Teachers didn't believe me (in fact one of the bullies was the child of a teacher). I was born with a medical condition that affected my outward appearance. I was also kinda weird and interested in things that other kids weren't. Can confirm the whole thing made me very depressed.
@@XDominiqueXFranconX I could be on the spectrum. But knowing that information isn't going to matter either way. I just push through everything and live my life. No excuses.
@emmadray9813 wow I think that is really relatable for me. I'm sorry you have had this experience too and good to hear you are able to not let it define your life entirely and just keep on keeping on...❤
Now it makes sense why women are inclined to tell the ugly ones “you’re so gorgeous, girl!” keeping her thinking that she really is. Also I think of an example where I would date a girl and she would bring up her best friend gladly saying that she is very beautiful and then I would see her not being any close to that statement, inflating the perceived beauty of my girlfriend at the time. Conversely, she would hide the beautiful one if that would be her best friend.
I mean if you have real friends they’ll tell you if you’re looking shit some days. I also think some girls just wouldn’t want to be mean to or critical of someone they’re not close with, but yes generally your correct. Less competition.
This is Not a misogyny, you are acknowledging what we all know. Those ones that are attacking they don't want to admit their strategy. But we all know about those strategies and how this works!! Well done! Perfect analyses!
Dr. Vaillancourt is so sharp. You can just hear it in how she speaks, eloquently without adding fluff. She might give a long answer, but it's all substance, no filler. Great guest.
I'm a man and I have to point something out that's not mentioned here. Being 26 years old, I was mostly brought up by my mother and female teachers. I therefore believe I've developed a feminine mindset of the world and this explains why I'm not attracting women as I should. I often times feel myself downplaying my strengths and hiding my talents because there's precisely what my female peers would've had conditioned into them. This problem is not just a female only problem. I believe the issue is a feminine mindset problem which can inhabit both men and women, but it mostly affects women. Therefore, we need to teach masculine mindset in young men so that they grow up aligned with their gender. I notice a lot of my male friends are the same, they are shy and reserved and it almost feels weird when you brag about your strengths. It's got to a point where it's uncomfortable to tease a male friend because they or me take it to seriously. There's no masculine structure anymore, everything is mixed and that's the problem. There used to be a place where men could go and be with men, but there's places where women can go and it's only women. We have to bring back masculine only establishments for young and old men to bond and teach together. This is the main issue with the 50/50 diversity rule. There are just some places where women should not be allowed to go for the sake of being a refugee for men.
Add in that No ONE is being socialized into business norms now, boys nor girls, just as women are entering the workforce and supposedly the robots are on their way to supplant us all..
Feminism taught women that they could do no wrong. These young feminists of the 60’s/70’s became teachers and began taking out their hostility on little boys
As a super ridiculous talented male interior designer I have gone through extreme bullying in my professional life from women who needing to sacrifice the tallest poppy. I became an artist and vow never to work in the industry again until I’m an entrepreneur and in charge.
Hey Sabastian, Has it ever occurred to you that when you call yourself ‘super ridiculously talented’ that it may not serve you well? A lot of people interpret self promotion on this level as quite obnoxious, no matter HOW amazing your skills are. The book, ‘How to Win Friends & Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie might be a good thing to read if you actually found the humility to do it. ❤
My 14-year-old daughter has been playing volleyball for two years and my 13-year-old boy for a month! Two weeks ago, they were competing in tournaments at two different schools on the same day! My wife accompanied my daughter, and I was with my son… The dynamic was so different with my son that it was simply astonishing!
I spoked to other parents about my experiences supporting my daughter's team versus my son’s team. The emotions generated by the girls during their tournament bear such a psychological heaviness that even the parents were affected! While the boys were losing all their games, they kept their spirit high enough and they were relatively playful! My wife texted me about how well the girls' sports team was doing that day and a call later on broke the contagious spirit and sportsmanship display by the boys. I was having a blast watching them as their cheerfulness was indeed contagious! Well, it happened that my daughter had just been benched for a match! Oh la-la as they say in French! The female sports drama came to disturb me all the way to the other high school where my boy and his friends as they were joyfully celebrating the ''victory’’ of a single round out of ten! Hahaha! Fascinating!
My girls were involved in sports but they didn't stick at it, predominantly because their temperament is competitive, probably they got it from their father, their mother being a predominantly nurturing soul They found their achievements and drive to excel constantly tampered down so that all the team players could get acknowledgement, which saw them get knocked out on quarter finals or finals much to their disgust as they knew they could have won with the right competitive focus It's was interesting to see this show up in them Also, please edit your post. You are posting some good stuff but a wall of text is hard to read, a few sentence breaks and paragraphs would mean more people viewing your good post 😊 Don't shoot the messenger, lol
I got to the part about hairdressers and I realized why I hate hair salons. If it isn't a man or a woman who is as attractive or more attractive with long hair + secure in herself, I always get passive aggressive behavior from women with short, processed and unattractive hair, trying to get me to cut my hair much shorter and act like it's "not modern" or "wild" long and wavy as it naturally is. Yet I've always got compliments on my hair from men and random people who didn't see me as a threat. I didn't really understand it until now. The body positive stuff: an attempt to feel better about one's own habits and the state of one's body, subconscious desire to pull others down to the same level or worse, and yeah, the virtue signalling even if you yourself are a bikini model or would cry if you were even half as fat.
1:24:44 - When I told someone about my bullying, it got so much worse, because now I was also a "snitch". And the talking that the grown ups did, did not help whatsoever.
I was never liked by girls in high school. I am 46 now and I think it was because they knew I was the "pure" girl guys were going to be attracted to. The virgin, never been kissed, no drinking, no smoking, no partying, amicable, kind, soft spoken, easy going, good grades girl. I got by the way, one of the best man out there eventually. (So I think women in high schoo and collegel will hate you the most , the more they see like you can get the best guy out there). We should tell daughters that if they hate you , you are on a grand path!!. Bring on the hate! The more the better lol I went on to experience hate once again in the workplace by women. I mean, women have hated me pretty much until i was about 5 -10 years married. I finally have some girl friends.
I think that just might be a "human" thing. Lots of men are never fully trusting of squeaky clean men. They expect you to have a little dirt on you, so they can feel better about themselves not being perfect. Any time they start to feel bad about themselves, they can say "Oh, at least I'm not like Becky, etc etc."
@@alaeacusmcfly4353must be so. Most men don't believe my husband when he says he waited 2 years to have sex with me. They automatically think he was cheating on the side. I wasn't sure what to believe. But after 15 years married, I truly believe it. He is definitely a man with Christian values.
Women get totally crazy when jealous and do the weirdest things; one tried to convince me that a man who was interested in me was married, despite the fact she didn't know him, had only met him twice though me, she 'didn't trust him' but got very angry when.....and she admitted this to me......she wanted to 'friend' him on facebook and he turned her down.
As I guy I can't tell you How many times I've had a date or partners "best friend" intentionally and repeatedly try to sabotage our relationship just because I was taking time she could be spending with her
As a woman with autism, I feel so validated. I could never understand the meanness of my fellow women. I was never close to my sisters and frankly, I am afraid of them. I have a lot of depression and anxiety because I am always afraid of "attack" from any woman I talk to. I wanted to build a genuine authentic connection with a woman my whole life but the jealousy of them always got in the way. The love I felt for many women was stronger than anything they felt for me. It was one sided. Who I thought was my best friend, ended up being jealous of my happy marriage, it honestly broke my heart. I thought I was crazy and mentally unstable, but its the world we live in that is that way. I feel like I was born in the wrong world.
Thank you!!! for bringing this conversation up! I struggle BIG time and the sad thing is I don't find myself that attractive. I grew up with a perfectionist mom who valued and shamed herself and other women & had a skewed sense of value as a woman because it's how she was raised. so she projected onto me leaving me feeling like I wasn't good enough or therefore "attractive" because I developed a super high expectation on what attraction meant and that I'd only be lovable unless I was attractive, yet your set up to fail because you can never meet that unrealistic expectation. thankfully I didn't go after other forms for validation. instead I feared relationships and pushed ppl away, bc I've had a deep fear to be abandoned, I struggle to make female friendships. and I have had to do a lot of healing. I often play small because I feel shame and guilt that other women's energy towards me is so uncomfortable. I personally have enjoyed being very feminine since I was tiny. I was 5 years old obsessed with heels and makeup and nails. it's naturally home I am. while I do my healing work, I like to equally look my best. from a young girl bc I felt I could never meet the standard of beauty I learned I needed to develop other skills and qualities to make me "worthy" and now my appearance is something I put energy into but my heart, mind and spirit I give way more energy and time, it's what makes me feel by far more fulfilled
This sounds so much like me except my mother seemed to be in competition with me so she'd put me down. The abandonment part definitely hits home and I've come to realize I have Borderline Personality Disorder. You may not have it but, it'd be something to look into if you have abandonment issues.
“If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable” i believe is true! Thank you for that. I myself have struggled envying a female friend and it was a personal struggle being around her. I also get where the other side is coming from: the part where women who are an object of another female’s envy or jealousy to be wary or cut those bonds, in fact that’s actually always the narrative that it can be unfairly shameful for the women feeling envious to feel that way and i think that’s what leads to the more toxic side of envy. i feel like i have to have my guard up every time just not to feel envy toward her because i was made to believe “i have to be always happy for my female friends’ success” and what if i’m not? it’s also real as much as someone being jealous of you. and i think both sides has to be talked about with more acknowledgement. I am aware envy is an unpleasant feeling but if it’s left unchecked or encouraged to be turned into being “happy” or “inspired” by the other even if you simply cannot i think that’s a factor of shaming ourselves when we feel envious. Those who say they struggle because someone envies them are encouraged to cut off the other. On the other hand, those who are envious are simply deemed insecure and encouraged to work on themselves and keep the friendship, if not, the envious is seen as petty and that seems unfair to me as someone experiencing it! It’s not easy to feel envious and if others can overcome their envy within the relationship, good for them, but to some it might be a recipe for either resorting to toxic behavior or degrading oneself for the sake of keeping female friendships. I’m not trying to be a victim here. I’ve stayed in a friendship and tried to work on this insecurity because i believe that is still a factor. but it has become too much that seeing it as my insecurity alone that’s at play turned to self blame that i can’t trust anymore if it’s my insecurity or intuition if i feel unease with a female. i would always resort to “oh i’m just probably insecure” narrative. So as much as the friendship was good on the surface it was unhealthy on my end but i had a difficult time walking away because i felt guilty that there’s nothing i can obviously point out as it built up to me in a subtle way, and because as i mentioned if im the one feeling envious what’s encouraged is to work on oneself while keeping the friendship. and im sorry it feels like im gonna endure that if i keep approaching it that way for the rest of my life.
Envy is fundamentally rooted in a sense of entitlement. If you feel you deserve a certain thing which someone else has and you don’t, or worse you deserve it more than them, envy is going to rear its head. You can feel genuine happiness for the boons others receive fairly or by luck if you are able to let go any sense of entitlement you might have. Envy becomes impossible.
Soren Kierkegaard wrote about resentment and envy. Here's a bit I found: "Kierkegaard also explored the concept of ressentiment, which he described as a result of envy. He argued that envy of the world's risk-takers can lead to ressentiment, which fuels a desire to bring down those who dare to stand out. Kierkegaard called this dynamic 'leveling'." "ressentiment" : "He described it as a state of repressed feelings and desires that can lead to a desire to bring down those who are different."
The one about the hairdressers left me shocked I haven’t gone to get my hair cut in years, I just do it myself, because I always hated what they did to my hair and how it was never what I asked for
I have had two really bad haircuts in my 20’s. I have very thick hair, and prefer to keep it long. Two different female hair dressers went out of their way cut 6-8 inches off my hair when I told them very clearly to take only 1-2 inches so my hair would still be long after. Both times I was absolutely devastated because it takes so long to grow out my hair. It might sound silly, but I love my hair and it feels like a part of me. I only get my haircut by one person (who is my friend in real life) now. I drive two hours to see her but it’s worth it.
I was a peacemaker child, low-drama, and very fearful of confrontation. That said, I always struggled to feel comfortable in groups of girls. I wouldn’t say I was “bullied,” but was occasionally rejected and cut down (called “fat” (I wasn’t), clothes and hair made fun of, gossiped about, etc.) by girls who I considered my friends. I observed so much gossiping and drama in groups of girls, and it gave me anxiety. By the time I was in high school, I abandoned trying to fit in with the girl groups, and made friends with some nerdy boys. I felt so much more at peace, and had way more fun without having to worry about gossip and drama. As I’ve gotten older, it’s been much easier to make friends with other women, but it usually tends to be on a one-on-one basis. Women in groups still give me anxiety! And I still see clique-y-ness (even among moms) everywhere I go. This conversation brings up so many more questions though - why are married women and moms still competing with eachother? Socially, status-wise, and even sexually (Botox, plastic surgery, revealing clothing, etc)? I see this especially among women who seem to have their resources secured. Is it to secure resources for their children or themselves (in the case that they lose their spouse)? Surely the use of social media has changed the game a little, where women get a lot of attention and praise for being sexy. Indirect bullying can’t do much to stop that trend, so I think you see more women joining in the behavior. “If you can’t beat them, join em!” *another side note - I grew up with a few brothers (sisters too), but I always enjoyed the way boys could playfully jab and tease eachother (all in good fun). Any time I’ve tried that with girl friends, it goes very poorly. They always take it personally. But laughing at/making fun of yourself is always socially entertaining to other females 🤪
To answer your question on why older women are still competitive, some women are simply unable to feel happy. This is a huge handicap which they try to counterbalance with feeling superior to others. This goal is very difficult to achieve and even more difficult to hold on to.
I wouldn't over think it too much. Lifting weights feels good, it feels like I'm more of my better self, so I just keep lifting more weights. I dont do it to be better than the other guy or to attract women. But I do enjoy seeing that I'm stronger than most at the gym, and I do enjoy it when women compliment my strength. It's nice to feel successful in some kind of hierarchy, but at the core that's not the motivation to do it. I'd imagine it's similar in most women who put effort in looking good. But also, I'm sure there's all kinds of other motivations to do what people do.
@@TokyoRights The “looking good” part is just one aspect. It’s the clique-y-ness, social/popularity games, high school stuff along with keeping up appearances.
I tend to see the same with men. In high status jobs you have the most narcissistic ... well, back when I was in high school we would have called them posers, I guess that fits. I think part of it is some kind of checking out phenomenon. Like in sports the people who can become a star athlete will be hyper competitive but the people who realize they are average at best will just slack off and play for fun.
Old habits die hard. We live in a society that blindly lives for the future in which we will someday "arrive", and as such never arrive in the present. To stop playing maladaptive status games requires recognizing and admitting what they are doing. As Tracy said "How can we change our lives if we don't acknowledge it?" Someone who has always seen the world through a lens of competition with others is extremely unlikely to suddenly stop and turn their attention inward with a critical eye toward themselves. As far as such a person is concerned, that's literally torture. In this regard I don't think there is a difference between women and men. Just in the method we go about chasing our own tail.
Hello you beauties. Access all episodes 10 hours earlier than TH-cam by Subscribing on Spotify - spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - apple.co/2MNqIgw. Here’s the timestamps:
00:00 Why Women Hate Their Sexy Friends
07:08 The Psychology of Slut-Shaming
14:34 Do Men Use Indirect Aggression Too?
19:35 Intra-Sex Dynamics of Female Sports
27:51 Why Women Attack to Cure Jealousy
33:04 Hairdressers Are Sabotaging Attractive Women
36:34 Declining Mental Health in Young Girls
41:35 The Problem with Social Media
45:25 Relationship Between Bullying & Status
51:40 How is Adult Bullying Different?
59:50 How Our Bodies React to Bullying
1:13:30 Reversing the Harm of Past Bullying
1:20:52 Interventions to Reduce Bullying
1:25:51 Where to Find Tracy
Hello!
how does it feel to invite a phd proffesor,talk to them to a filed of their expertise and know most of the studies they are referencing
I don’t understand why you’re promoting an audio platform that is very video centric where the content can’t be heard alone. I’d be distracted trying to picture the podcast. Perhaps consider re doing your production workflow; audio first, video (or “film” last)
This professor should go do a similar study but only with nurses. It will make her head spin lol
Please post links to the academic studies mentioned in your episodes so that your listeners can do more exploring. Thanks, and thanks for your work.
I am a woman, I once worked in an office dominated by women and although I loved the job , I had to mentally and emotionally prepare myself before going into work EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was the worst experience at a job ever. The backstabbing, gossip, harassment ,emotional manipulation, bullying, alienation from the group was through the roof. Simply wearing a nice outfit would set off a chain of events that left me so drained.
I moved to a new team and realised that putting effort into my dressing is only going to make enemies. Now, I dress down a bit compared to before even though I love pretty dresses.
Im a nurse. I had to leave NYC as the bad longhouse behaviors were supported by management and, essentially, the policies of the organization and the locale, besides the geographic norms. this included sexual behaviors, "light violence" (hand slapping, nudging with bodies), character assassination, demands to conform to political norms (take a knee), etc etc.
Tell me about it. I’m a very logical person. They emotionally manipulate YOU and victim shame YOU but then lie to people that YOU’re the one who’s “unkind and manipulative” so they can cause malicious gossip and drama. Wtf is wrong with most women and where do they get the time and energy to do this crap.
And don’t get me started on how they actively misinterpret what you text them so they can post it for their friends to see!
My daughter had a job once dominated by women. She said it was the worst experience of her life. She told me she’d work for a man any day over a woman. She said men rarely hold grudges and are much more logical in their thinking where as the women in higher positions were always strategically trying to position themselves by gossiping and backstabbing particularly other women whom they felt were a threat to them professionally. She said it was exhausting working for women.
But they are your sisters, praise them, YAAASSSS QUEEN 👸 🙌 👏 ✨️ ❤️
I’m a female with Asperger’s. Can’t play games and everything is literal. Women have been the worst bullies all my life. Pretty much never been bullied by a man.
May I ask, do you see a therapist?
Same. Not about the autism, but about the worst bullies ALWAYS being women. I can only imagine how much harder the female social dynamic is when you're diagnosed autism given how subtextual, and implied, and passive aggressive female interactions can be.
Same here, undiagnosed. I thought I wasn't bullied as an adolescent but I think it's more likely that I didn't notice it at the time. I've been bullied at work as an adult and it's crippling. It was passive aggressive which is not my style of communication and it really tripped me up
@@brianna094 I can relate to it! I have a theory that women, and especially those describing themselves as feminists, can’t cope with females who have Asperger’s because our communication style tends to be honest and direct - so, culturally something they attribute to the ‘evil white men’.
Our inability to play games is perceived as a personal affront.
@@pingu3984Luckily I live in a country where I could use disability laws to protect myself. But I think many women on the spectrum suffer from being bullied by their ‘sisters’ simply for the sin of not fitting in.
Womens' favorite passtime is judging other people. As a socially awkward guy who was brought up christian, it really caught me off guard seeing just how crappy many women are towards guys that they don't see as potential mates.
I used to be a teacher and I remember the year I taught kindergarten I was astounded by the behavior of the girls. At one point they banded together and bullied the most beautiful girl out of the group and made fun of her appearance. These girls were SIX.
😮😮😮
Yeah, 'whoa!' is right, @@anusha2465!
Now that's crazy
Crazy...
Thank you for sharing this. It lines up with what my daughter was trying to tell me
I. A woman. Can say with absolute certainty, that yes! The body positivity movement is absolutely about keeping other women "ugly". There's a reason you don't see "skinny" or fit women jumping on the bandwagon and gaining 200 plus pounds. It's heavy women keeping other heavy women HEAVY. Dragging other women down so they don't have to feel bad.
You're right. Women who were overweight or obese who lost weight suddenly see a lot more interest from the opposite sex...and they tend to lose "friends" they had when they were overweight. A common phenomenon and it doesn't surprise me.
Lol yes! As a guy, I noticed on social media fit and attractive women get very little praise in the comment section from other women that aren't fit and attractive. However, when women that are overweight have a big following there's only women in the comment section giving praise.
This internalised Miss O. Jenny!….can someone please tel me who this ‘Miss O. Jenny’ is? And why is she in everyone recently
Body positivity was started by a fat woman and was about other fat women loving themselves and then thin women took it and ruined it. It was never about competition. It was supposed to be for big women ONLY.
@@Guyomarsounds like that crabs in a bucket mentality i hear about, gist of it was the crabs in a bucket will pull the other crabs down, ensuring that none escape.
This was so frustrating at work. All the guys had a bro-code going and helped each other out. All of the women were frenemies. No matter what I did, I could not get past that.
Every time.
Me too it's unfair majority of women are wired to harm other women who done nothing to them it's fucked up
Holy shiz, mine is the other way. The Girls have a Sister-Code and sort of help each other out. Even if 1 or 2 Girls are causing trouble and being plain Unfair and Entitled, they still "protect" each other be Bad People. A certain number of Guys are Frenemies/Competitors and would always "stick to the Herd" of Gals that dress up the most beautiful.
Yup.. and usually the females with the most “friends” are the worst..
Did you try focusing on doing your job instead of worrying about office drama? (Hint: THAT is the "bro-code!")
Good Lord, I just did a read through the comments and I am both horrified and relieved. I thought it was just me (horribly bullied in high school). And all the way through my 20's, 30's, etc.....but now I'm 76 and it has mostly stopped. What a relief. A few years ago I decided to dress up, wear makeup, etc. for the morning dog walk. And the older women are really supportive and complimentary. I guess once you're no longer considered to be a threat, the claws retract.
Chris, I really appreciate that you bring on interesting women to your podcast. Most men podcasters just talk to other men--which is interesting but vaguely alienating. Thank you for this. It will probably save me thousands in therapy--ha! I have listened to women say that the world would be a better, safer place is it was run by women. I just say 'careful what you wish for'. It would be a nightmare.
The 2 last sentence...SPOT ON!
I don't know. I mean I've been bullied by both men and women, starting at age 6 (my first memory of being bullied by a grown adult). However, men running the world has been pretty crappy for women. Maybe if women had actual power we'd have more worthy leaders in women, rather than the hen-pecking, passive-aggressive anger I see in too many women now. Yes, there are always going to be women who abuse power, but men have already been doing that for hundreds of years.
@@nordicpandiWomen have more rights just now than they have ever have had at any point in history. And the quality of life all over the world for both men and women is the highest it's ever been since humans evolved. Seems the patriarchy hasn't done so badly after all... Not that there isn't room for improvement, of course.
@@kc6810 "In the past". TY
As a kid I was taught to protect women and that they are more vulnerable and softer than me as a boy. Then I grew up and found out that girls and women were not the innocent, delicate creatures I was taught they were. On the one hand I found out that women are more capable than society gives them credit, they can surprise you if you underestimate them. And on the other hand they are very self aware of their status in the hierarchy and will find ways to weaponize rules, policies, and laws against anyone who slights them. I have seen women use teachers, bosses and the law enforcement to act as their personal attack dogs either on me or my friends. When men are wronged they strike back until "it's even." Women are far more volatile, they don't stop just because you're down, they will only stop until they have socially "obliterated" their target. Only then are they satisfied.
And it's that one trademark of women's mindsets that I resist the idea of living in a Matriarchy. Men are far more sympathetic to the plight of others than women are. And we will see tyranny take a deeper hold in a female run society than a male one.
All the hate became apparent when I lost 80 pounds. When I was fat everything was different. Our society is sad.
99% of that hate would have been from women.
It's biology not society. I'd hazard a guess that you could find similar patterns of behaviour in female chimps.
Women ruined it
Congrats!
Congrats!!! 😮
Well done. I'm sure people were jealous of you and felt threatened by you because you've shown them it's possible to lose weight and you did it and they didn't.
This woman is AMAZING. The first honest woman I have heard in a long time, because she actually said " I think it's easier for us to blame men than look at ourselves". Abso- LUTELY. It goes without saying that men are plenty often terrible. But it doesn't go without saying how much women are pretty much just as bad and totally self deluded on so many levels. All my ex's have been completely self deluding victim playing monsters. Thanks for speaking some honesty
I was watching a video of a TH-camr asking women if they would ever do Onlyfans.
All of them said NO.
When asked why not, some said it's immoral, some said it's disgusting and some thought it would destroy their chances of getting a normal job after that.
But inevitably they all came back and said that they SUPPORT the women who do Onlyfans.
I thought "wait a minute":
You won't engage in an activity because you find it reprehensible and degrading but you "support" the people who do?
How does that make sense?
My conclusion was that women implicitly hate each other and they don't have a problem when other women engage in self-destructive behavior because they get to feel morally superior in comparison.
Another explanation is that women very rarely reveal their true opinions and feelings when they know their are being watched. Instead they go along with what they think society and especially other women deem acceptable. This can lead to some amusing inconsistencies like the one you described.
I don't drink or sleep around. But if those that do don't harm others then that's their free willl choice. Could be that. Though I don't promote that they should do it. Could be like that ? Or they don't want to appear judgmental.
You call this...
Wiping out potential 'competition'.
It is a tactic used even in war fair, ruling societies, in prison camps, etc.
Humans are slic.
Sad is it.
Another reason to treat and behave very well towards a human who has good, caring, warm, trustworthy intentions with you and towards you and your loved ones.
@@meracapri8611 what about harming yourself (mental issues, baggage etc) or your future kids (subjecting them to being bullied over it) ?
@@hughguys1183iirc, cant cite any researchg, but those who did work in OF type field seem to have less kids than "normal women".... I wonder if that is true and then it would totally play into that theory... afterall biology system programming only cares of offspring, not parents.
As a fairly attractive woman, I haven't been bullied by women, but I've been treated with contempt. For years, I was naive and could not understand why most women treated me with meaniness for no reason. Now i understand, and i can almost immediately recognize the envy and disrespect.
I reduced my inner circle significantly, and I will walk away or shut down a conversation when I recognize that mean girl spirit.
Also, the reason most men treat you nicely.
Once you are attractive, it is even more pronounced. I experienced it too. However, I am very direct and will fight fire with fire. So they've tried me, but then realise after their mistake when I deal with them. I too, have kept my circle small. Less drama and more peace.
Attractive women, unite. We can have a meeting to bundle our powers !
@@louisnws What if one of you is more attractive than the rest?
Well when you walk away that mean girl got what she wanted, then. Fight back!
Holy moly, this literally actually happened to me 😳
I was a new young hairdresser apprentice in a nice salon in Century City, California.
I do have to admit that I was cute now looking back,
but at the time I didn’t even know that I was.
I was doing my best to learn the trade and get along with all of the hairdressers, so that they would teach me.
So, this fully pledged hairdresser, who was not the cutest female in the salon befriended me and asked me if I wanted a trim.
Of course, I said yes.
She began to CHOP OFF my hair and I literally had to grab her wrist to make her stop.
Female rivalry & jealousy
is absolutely WICKED !!!
Girl that's crazy, but not surprising. I've had so called girlfriends cut my head off when taking photos of me and refusing to even take photos of me, but take them of everyone else in the group.
I've even had more than 1 so called female friend set me up to be assaulted or worse.
All in the name of jealousy.
Believe me, I am fully aware always and would rather live in isolation.
That's awful I'm so sorry :(
That’s horrendous what a cow
thats out of order. i as a dude used to work on a factroy floor sewing bikinis and lingerie so it was mostly women and the bitching was so amazing, a girl would literally be in a room for 2 minutes, every other girl fake smiling at her and putting it on, the second she leaves the knives all come out.. as an example of hundreds of times i had just observed such incidents.. and the gossip was no better in fact probably worse.
@@heidij70That is so bizarre! How did the one try to set you up for an assault?!
I know a young woman who while being incredibly attractive but also has severe social anxiety.
She has been the victim of bullying from women since she was a preteen.
To bad she wasn't given any tools to deal. Pretty er not, Girls are rotten to other girls. She's not special. Take comfort knowing that... ya know for her.
@@alwaysbraum TBH she hasn’t overcome it. Her response to her bullying was substance abuse, weight issues and depression. She’s now in her 30’s and alone.
@@alwaysbraum overcome it. You reach a zero fcks given point. Learn verbal judo. Connect with some older women who have already cut the weeds down and can help you walk through. Then if someone fcks with you. You call on your girl gang. Because you now know how to be a friend. You can't be a victim if you don't allow it.
@@Guildofarcanelore a good therapist who doesn't coddle you goes a long way. I've been there. I'm in my 40's was lucky to not have social media shoved up our asses. I had to do some serious work to be the bad bitch I am today. No one cared about my misery. Cleary she is crying for help. I myself was just like her. It takes alot of unfukery work. Ya either do it or don't
She's got choices.
Do nothing
Do something.
No one cares about her past but her.
@@heidi22209 she is in therapy and medicated for her depression.
She is taking the right steps. She became very overweight, (personally I think to mitigate her looks) and she is trying to be more healthy.
She has overcome her alcoholism, but it’s a struggle. The indirect aggression she has experienced is difficult for her to overcome, the people she thought were her friends were not and their (eventual) betrayal has cut her very deeply.
💯 true! My lesbian supervisor constantly tried to bully me and when I dragged her into a meeting with hr, she had a toddler style meltdown complete with screaming and crying. Ran out of the room and went home. Turned coworkers against me and accused me of homophobia. Rather than put up with this shit, I resigned. I’m a woman btw.
Being accused of Homophobia is an honorable badge. 😂 You seem like a based woman. 👍
Well done for resigning, your dignity takes priority over all the "career" nonsense and working with such people is undignified. Respect.
Me too. A lesbian senior had a meltdown because our supervisor entrusted setting an MS Teams Call (yes, just sending an invite) to me. She literally confronted me about this during our meeting, to where I answered professionally. She's like 10 years older than me, but acted like a toddler, and I always have to act like the bigger person. Shameful that other people, specially leads, get to witness that.
I feel that she doesn't like that our male supervisor are giving me tasks. Even if she's lesbian, she still aims that 'trust' from men.
I still am angry with her, but I know she's getting the repercussions of her stupidity. She was removed from our project for good.
People are borderline, narcissists or sociopaths bottom line. Low vibe… Go address your issues people.
@@queenana9 Thanks for the gaslighting!
I never had sisters. Only brothers. When I got to college and moved into the dorm, I was miserable. Women truly are challenging. I literally have 3 friends I trust.
3 is a lot lol
I went to an all girls school but never had close women friends until well into adulthood. interesting, huh!
Almost everyone has no more than 3 friends they can trust. -if that.
This is normal.
Yes! I learned at an early age to hide my strengths and to downplay my talents because I realized that making my three older sisters jealous of me was a road to being bullied and mocked. This idea of a supportive group of women who are morally superior to men is BS.
That sisterhood crap has always been complete bullshit. I only see the worst type of selfish narcissist ever talking about it. Put five attractive women in a room with one ugly/awkward girl and you will see the attractive ones form a little compliment/praise/girlfriend circle with each other, completely ignoring the ugly one's existence. It's wild how many times this has been tested and proven. Any one of them, if one on one with the ugly girl, may have been very sociable with her. But people are pack animals first and foremost.
I've worked in women's spaces all my life (as in I'm usually the only man in the job surrounded by women with women bosses, etc.) and women everywhere, always, fall to in-fighting. Even the grounds that get along pretty well will still gossip about each other, make comments, and passively aggressively tear each other down. It's crazy.
It's insane@@Laneous14
Same here, they gang up on you, isolate or bully you. I had to cut ties much later in life when I understood I didn't need them so badly that I would put up with being undermined and bullied. My older sister is positively poison.
The original Cinderella movie talked about this very same thing. It was super accurate.
But nowadays movies are only allowed to show positive things about women. Our society doesn’t want to address bad female behaviour and therefore it gets worse and it goes unchecked.
Women and men both need to be held accountable for bad behaviour. Whenever a person or a group of people is not held accountable, it’s an invitation for them to act badly. It just so happens that our society is worse at holding women accountable
I'm a woman who is one of 4 sisters, in a family of more women than men, with a lot of woman friends...everything she is saying is 1000% true!!!
Yeah, it’s great what she is doing. Our society went overboard with only ever praising women. But when we don’t address bad female behaviour, it just gets worse.
Same with male behaviour or any person’s behaviour. I work in the adolescent mental health field and Tracy has given presentations at my hospital. She’s awesome Females aged 11-13 are especially at risk. I’m glad she is addressing this.
It’s not a popular topic to be researching... imagine the flack that Tracy hasn’t had to deal with in researching this stuff.
Is it bad female behaviour though? I’d argue that it’s not bad to want to compete for quality mates and resources? It’s only natural behaviour, but it’s not been spoken about because women are far more subtle and intelligent in our female-female communication methods and social dynamics.
I’m not saying that all forms of that behavior are bad, just that it can get out of control if it goes unchecked.
For example, “toxically masculine” behaviours like being controlling or trying to intimidate other guys could be seen as natural and as a way of securing a good mate.
I do believe that indirect aggression is a problem in the context of teen girls because social media amplifies these forms of bullying. Social exclusion, spreading rumours, spreading embarrassing pics/vids... social media makes these things worse. Plus teen mental health is generally in a bad spot now. Especially for teen girls 11-13 years old, the rates of anxiety/depression/eating disorder/self-harm/su1c1des are up.
Because of this, we should address the behavior. I think that lots of natural behaviours can be toxic if they go unchecked and start causing a lot ignored harm.
@@YoungSantasGroupie
Bravo
I am in a family of 5 sisters and no one has bullied me as badly as my sisters have and everytime I call it out I'm being 'defensive' I decided to stand out for myself and distance myself from them for my own mental health.
I have amazing female friends in my life and it’s so much richer because of them. I think these women genuinely tackle the dark feminine traits in their own hearts which is why we can genuinely encourage and support each other. Thank God for good women ❤️
The Italian film "Malena" starring Monica Bellucci pretty much encapsulates everything Dr. Vaillancourt is saying about how women punish other women for being too attractive.
That movie is heartbreaking and alarming.
Exactly
Ah, I love that movie!
And in the book, 'Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret' by Judy Blume, a GIRL, who is developing into a busty young woman, is mocked and teased and gossiped about by her female classmates for no good reason; just jealousy!
Immediately thought of the movie as well.
Must watch that.
I've worked in engineering for 24 years. In the past 7 years, I've seen an increase in women coming into the engineering work.
I was NOT prepared. I like dressing how I want and putting fun colours on. I like red lipstick. Also, I enjoy genuinely complimenting people to make them feel good when they've clearly made an effort. Women are generally toxic. I get why men moan about them now. It's all a big psychological game to them.
Women tend to complain a lot, which sucks.
Do u have a husband that provides for u or do u work for ur household alone
I'm struggling to follow your logic of wearing red lipstick, compliments and female toxicity. Just curious, is all.
@@NinaHQuinnI haven’t finished the video, but I’m curious where age plays a role in all this. Or what kind of role age plays. Women in their early 20’s compare to women in their late 30’s, 40’s or 50’s.
@KD400_ I have a partner now.
As an HR professional, thank you for giving affirmation to the Mean Girls reality.
Everything she says about sports can be applied to the workplace. After years of hell in a female dominated workplace where I noticed people were judged by popularity not ability… I’m now in a mixed workplace and it’s so much better. HOWEVER diversity and inclusion nonsense has seen my company strive to hit a 50/50 split and I can see the impact.
Women in the workplace are more prone to cronyism, even at the expense of the business. If you’re a guy and you notice a high performing female colleague being left out, bullied, not given credit, cut out of projects, please support her. I am forever grateful for the male colleagues who had my back in the toxic company I was at previously
Worked in a department full of women and I say this is spot on. Sighhh. I can feel that past exhaustion and frustration from miles away
Well… I work on a male dominated industry. They usually just talk me.
A mixed workplace is just as toxic. I cannot believe all the women who were fighting for the attention of the most desirable guy in the team. I can't with the pettiness and left the team. The new team has just girls. I felt this is better. At least women here don't attack me for the attention I get from a male manager. Here the competition is on who dress better etc 😂😂😂 which is manageable..
Why would you specifically support women? Do you support men who are excluded and not given the recognition they deserve? It's people who need to be supported, not a gender. You profited from being a woman and having men activate their protector instincts, which often harms men, which don't get this same favoritism you got.
@@aronhighgrove4100 There needs to be a new term in psychology called "Appeal to simping", so whenever women make calls like "Respect all women", "Believe all Women", "Empower all women" (Via affirmative action), and "Prioritize Supporting/mentoring all women in the workplace" you can point out the ridiculousness and double standards of their request
I've been bullied out of jobs .I had a mental breakdown and just can't cope working with other women any longer . I am in the process of retraining and working for myself.
Do it!
Self employment is the way to go.
Good for you!! 🔥🔥
I’ve been there. I promise it gets better. You will feel safe and capable again
Honestly, that's the way to go. Also fight for remote work. You will be so much freer, you won't even know what to do with yourself.
Get a husband who can take care of you!
Women say men don't know what they are talking about when we say these things about women, how they are ruthless and demeaning to each other but it's the women in our lives who consistently tell us this. I cannot tell you the amount of women I know that absolutely refuse to be friends with other women.
The difference in why some people go left and others right comes down to the support they have at home . The power hating by other peers had in me was close to zero..because my parents, cousins and aunts loved me endlessly and unconditionally. The self esteem i derived from my parents is through the roof. I can see it in my kid too. He once said to us he got bullied and we asked why he didnt tell us and he said "i really dont care" and he really said it wirh stoic voice while playing his nintendo and no change in his demeanor at all. Like he was just talking about lunch.
We have poured into him since day 1. His self esteem is through the roof too.
That’s so encouraging to hear! Im 38 weeks pregnant with my first, a boy. Im hoping my husband and I, along with our extended family, can do this for him and whatever siblings he may get :)
Beautiful❤️ And so true!❤️🙏🏼🙌🏼❤️
Temperament has a lot more to do with the direction of individuals than people give it credit for, which is mostly biologically dictated. Sure you can steer how kids respond in some ways but things like stress tolerance, aggression and disagreeableness cannot be changed through nurture but simply channeled in another direction.
You can't exactly transcribe a female oriented viewpoint onto young boys, especially when it comes to their style of bullying. You can have kids from the same family and one of them will just slowly break down and fall apart due to bullying and then the other sibling has the same thing happen but their response is swift immediate violence which stops the bullying in it's tracks. Both kids raised the same but their innate biological response mechanisms for fight or flight are the deciding factor.
@@theperfectbeingIf you’re ever around a very healthy loving family you’ll notice the kids are secure in themselves- regardless of personality. That security and resilience come from nurture, it comes from love. It’s brain science, and thankfully our brains can change for the better even as adults!
@@savedbygrace6108, thanks for the hope. I need to hear this now.
20 years in the Navy I watched how women treated each other , which was awful, as a supervisor I separated them keeping them in different shops. Like I tell my daughter one day you will meet a good man and he will be your best friend and you will not have to deal with women again.
❤
until the husband's porn addiction is discovered .....
@@skericson7661 maybe if you were more interesting your husband wouldn't have to watch it, eh.
Dr. Vaillancourt is totally accurate and sharply observant. I'm an attractive 51 yo. Been wearing long baggy men's clothing day in and day out just so women including girls 1/3 my age don't get indirectly aggressive. The only time I look feminine is when I'm with hub.
We females should really be kinder more respectful to each other. Otherwise we'll always be the weaker gender group.
I was just talking to my mom about how difficult it was to have a good friend as a girl. I noticed patterns of having friends that would hate when I got male attention and when I showed that I didn’t care for it, they would get sour. I found that copying was happening a lot too while also trying to isolate me on purpose from getting more friends while trying to exclude me at the same time.
Basically, a lot of women would prefer if you jumped off a bridge for existing if you’re richer, prettier, have a better body, friends, and dress better than them. It’s really evident when you just walk into a room. Places that were the most hostile to me have been Sephora, spas, clothing stores and beauty clinics.
omg when I go swimming the tension in the air in the changing rooms is mad!
Nietzsche believed women are incapable of friendship, the rest of the quote one should refer to the original text as cows are not a bad thing in context (they can ascend to heaven). profound. women can be good mothers, good sisters, good daughters, probly not good friends. when we turn women into slaves, the whole race is slavish. when we turn women to power, the whole race is corrupt. women are more natural than the nature of men. "there is no woman as such." -Nietzsche
Wow...my friends at lower and high school were the best. We had long enduring friendships. So many happy times growing up, through all the changes. I will never forget them and ever great full to them and their companionship. 😊
It's true.
I can relate, especially with the copying. Recently, this coworker acted dismissive when I excitedly showed her a photo on my phone of some shoes that I’d ordered online. (I’d been tracking them forever, and finally caught them on an insane markdown.)
Then today, she shows up to work in the SAME SHOES, just in a different colorway. 🤣 I literally wouldn’t have cared, if she hadn’t been memorably nonchalant toward me, but the fact she acted like she didn’t care and then copied me had me feeling some type of way.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg I’m terms of how certain women treat me.
From a woman thank you for such an honest episode. Well done.
the intellectual honesty of this woman is outstanding.
How fitting. I am female and have just let myself get bullied out of a job I was excelling at for almost two years. I worked myself to a promotion, got a new female boss im july who has no clue about how we do things. but she is my boss, so I was told I have to listen to her. She destroyed the workflow of the team, disregarded any of my advice and in the end managed to bring me to a painful bore-out because she took away most of my tasks.
I have had to watch the quality of out work plummet for months and months.
I was not allowed to do anything about it so I quit.
I hate stupid, jealous women... the damage they can do is incredible. I have become very distrustful with many of them.
I'm sorry that happened. You seem like you are in a kind of work that requires thought so I'll just tell you that even in places where there is no thought required, no expertise, no creativity needed, and no place to move up to women are still catty with eachother. I work in a flipping factory and it's that way and I've been confused about it for years. There is no logic or rhyme or reason. There aren't any good looking men there either for them to compete over non the less if a pretty girl gets hired the older women will hate on her
same here sadly I was also bullied out of a job. it all stems from era of witch trials and inability to process anger
Good news is that moving jobs tends to come with a pay increase. Here you get the added benefit of also getting out of a horrible environment where you could no longer advance. It's certainly comfortable staying with what we know and painful having to move away from a good situation, but from what you've said you're very capable in your field so your rebound will take you on to better things.
@@Prototyp3m1nd Thank you, I needed to hear that.
Very much relate with this. I went through something similar, but didn’t quit. Just managed to finally stand my ground with the female narcissist (in the truest sense, not the flippant definition that’s thrown around today). She went into a crazy tantrum, but then was in HR the very next morning spinning a yarn. They had me work the whole day, then fired me without explanation at the end of the day.
My sister was a flight attendant for many years, and always talked about how catty, gossipy, and back-biting women in that line of work were (especially those with power/management positions). But she also said that the gay men (flight attendants) were absolutely the most vicious 😂
I work with a gay data scientist.
Yep - catty, gossipy, covertly aggressive, manipulating....
it's just no from me.
@@sidesauceyet some show, maybe this one, told fact that gay men divorce much less than lesbian/heterosexual couples... so interesting dynamic.
Ive experienced that in nursing and disability support, women are catty. They will shit can a colleague in front of a client, which compromises your relationship with the client.... its hell.
Your last part is the most true part. I lost a job because of a alphabet person and lied about me while i tried very hard to get him promoted
@@TuffLuv1984well, more than half of that reporting is probably complete bs, overdramatizing and exaggeration, so you may not be wrong, although ironically still prove the point.
Yep. She is telling the truth.
She is honest about this, MOST women are not. Because most women like to maintain the image of themselves as giving and kind because they know it’s not socially acceptable to be otherwise.
I say this as a woman myself.
I have been the target my whole life of women who are easily threatened. I think it’s because I am GENUINELY kind, and quiet. I have NEVER bullied other women but plenty of women have bullied or tried to bully me.
I find most of time when women do this to other women it’s due to insecurity/jealousy, they love having power (power trip), or they were never nice/kind women to begin with (they were trying to pretend they were kind/nice).
Or all three reasons.
Same
I wish this was talked about more - instead society blames all these issues on men, when in fact it is women who is taking down and shaming other women.
Ironically, blaming men is another passive-aggressive way for women to gain power.
cant remember details anymore but in this show evolutionary scientist explained these things are carved to psych especially when they have kids.... ie my kids over other womans kids, over dead body if need to be.... men , dads are usually diplomats to let kids play with each other and keep it together somehow for kids. Single women are different but these traits stay, then they compare their husbands and all that. Though having family keeps exposure to other women limited, helping mental health and stress levels, while single young adults may spend 247 with same competitive people. At least mentally if they dont spend literally together time. Some trends have increased these problems, ie women taking to workforce... though before that it was vicious with using dirty tricks destroying other women marriages or stealing their boyfriends.
For decades I have been argueing that blaming the curtailing of female sexuality on the patriarchy makes no sense. Men do not lose when women are more promiscuous and gain little benifit from policing it. But other women do. A promiscuous woman is a threat to resources of all the other women in the community.
@@grannyannie2948 _'Men do not lose when women are more promiscuous and gain little benefit from policing it.'_
I think time and place may matter. Firstly, for most of history pregnancy was dangerous. I think there was a desire to protect daughters. Secondly, resources were often scarce. If an unwed daughter gave birth, that's an extra mouth to feed and a body to clothe w/o the gain of the child's father to provide resources if shotgun weddings were not the norm. Marriage prospects were reduced. And one's family was the parents' old-age retire plan. Thirdly, most people lived in small communities, so scandal avoidance probably played a role. A 'foul' by one family member could have knock-on effects on other members.
Weak men create hard times …
This is mind-blowing because I've seen this time and time again and felt like I was just meeting the "wrong women." But, then, you realize, it's the majority of them. It's the rule, not the exception. I don't respect indirect aggression. It's weak. Say what you mean and mean what you say but don't be mean when you say it. There's no need for it.
Additionally, a lot of women I've met who are gorgeous, I enjoyed them as people. Their beauty was just the icing on the cake. It's nice to have a deep conversation with someone who's attractive inside and out. A woman's natural beauty is like artwork. I wouldn't take a Van Gogh painting down and curse it for looking good. I'm putting it on the wall and basking in its brilliance. And a stunning woman is no less mesmerizing. Of course, the most important part is her inner beauty that never fades. That's the stuff a lasting friendship is made of.
Thusly, I don't see the need to come at each other with this kind of sneaky social aggression. It's time to evolve from this and just accept each other or not. But, if you don't accept another woman because she's attractive or successful, consider looking within until you feel unthreatened. We should be cheering each other on and loving each other. Women deserve better from other women and hearing that this is the norm explains a lot of my previous experience.
This is why I stay in hermit mode unless I meet someone - male or female - worth entertaining. If they've worked on discovering who they are and healing their trauma, they're more likely to be stable. If they haven't, they're probably emotionally dangerous, even if it's "subtle." Mean is mean and the indirectness of it just makes it annoying and nearly impossible to respect.
Unfortunately, there are also "men" operating out of a toxic feminine energy. It's more surprising because you don't expect it from a man. But, it's the exact "mean girl" behavior you'd see from an unhealed woman and sometimes even worse.
Bottom line is if it's not acceptable, don't accept it. If they try to stop you because they're envious and self-righteous, keep going. Move around each and every one of them. You don't need them. If you're connected to yourself, social isolation is like a comforting, crackling fire. It feels warm, safe and peaceful - like you need nothing else.
That's what they're afraid of. They can't do that and be OK. You can and it drives them crazy. It forces them to look at their actions because they no longer have the option of scapegoating you while you live emotionally free, guided by a clear conscience that ultimately accompanies pure intentions.
Beautifully said. Thank you.
No you haven't met the wrong women. It's women. Your comment nailed it. It's cathartic in a way for me...not that I want you or any other woman to experience this...but I thought I was on my own here. I only have male friends not because I don't want female friends, but because I usually get stabbed in the back by women.
It seems this is reasonably universal. I too wish we as women could support and lift each other up more readily.
Well said. I got tired of blaming myself for picking the “wrong woman” when I’m simply kind and agreeable and don’t have anything to prove -especially when it comes to women. I even went to therapy to explore this to make sure I wasn't missing something within myself. There are a lot of women out there who are unhealed and lack self awareness. They refuse to do what’s needed to move on and do better.
My daughter is introverted, not shy; she is confident in any social environment and is well liked. Through junior school she was constantly enjoined to smooth over or take a side in the constant petty disputes of her peers when she just wanted to be left in peace. To my surprise she was made Head Girl in her final year. I had always tended to encourage a somewhat rebel attitude.
In senior school everything changed as her former classmates formed new "friendship" groups. One former "friend" fell in with the cool kids and cut her viciously. The same one suddenly dissapeared to another local school some years later and all her social media along with.
In the first two years she was ostracised and isolated, mildly unhappy. The only encouragement I could give was to say that it's a vast world and a small school. Your task is to get your tickets and go find the world; you will be a brand new person and seen differently.
She overcame it, ironically, through social media - I think Bebo was the platform of choice back when. Through this she connected with other girls at school whom she would not have encountered on the day to day and she gained a bunch or real world enduring friends.
Prior to parenthood I had no notion of the savage and landmined jungle that girls are obliged to negotiate. I noted that my neice preferred a friendship group of boys when she was young because it was "less complicated"
Girls become women, grow out of it and form the (apparently) strong friendships that I had observed and taken to be typical for all women and girls. However it seems that not a few never mature and will remain grown females lifelong
@@jonthomas9708 I think you nailed it. Exceptional advice: Vast world, small school. Sounds like you raised a socially intelligent daughter who learned how to love herself enough to walk away when she's targeted. It is pettiness just as you said. No need for it, but there's a perceived need for it by those who feel threatened by others' success. Some of the most successful people I've ever known are the kindest. Others are definitely overgrown children who are like hyper-disciplinary teachers just waiting for you to step out of line so they can whack the back of your hand with a ruler. "Be a good, little girl now and don't outshine your peers." What's especially bad is when a girl's own mother covertly does this to her. She grows up not knowing who to trust and usually lets the wrong people in and keeps the right people out. Sounds like your daughter won't have that problem thanks, at least in part, to your thoughtfully loving parenting. ❤
As a woman, I avoid what I call the "gossip huddle". It never leads to good. Woman can be very vicious with character assassination.
Something in this that jarred with me was the repeated idea that women have a greater need to fit in with those around them than men. Certainly, when I was studying evolutionary psychology a few years back this was not the mainstream understanding. A man who does not fit in is likely to end up dead. A woman who does not fit in will still probably breed. If she's nice, the men won't care that the other women don't like her. A study of regional accents in Britain found that young men had strong peer-group accents to fit in with the gang. Unattractive low status women also had strong accents, but attractive low-status women had much milder accents, because they could marry up. They didn't need to fit in to survive.
Very interesting detail, thanks for sharing!
Fancy seeing lindybeige here. And yes, I felt similarly about that point. The idea that men don't need to fit in as much as women did not seem right to me.
Wow, what a surprise to see the man who helped educate me on the Roman Legions and is now here interested in female psychology. Great work!
It seems that she, like many, only sees the struggles of her own group but does NOT understand the struggles of the "other" group.
There is death, and there is "death". Sometimes, staying alive without having meaningful social connections is worse than death: it kills the soul, the spirit, the psyche. Money and status don't work on that.
This woman is PREACHING it!
My wife turns 50 next month and STILL rants about the behavior of an opposing player in a Freshman softball game. STILL! TO. THIS. DAY!
😂😂😂
😂You save my day👍
She has a Polk high story eh?
Yeah I have seen woman in their 40s still pissed about some long since past high school situation lol men have no memory buffer unless blood is involved
She needs to get a life and live in 2023😂😂😂
It's PTSD. .... women are CRAZY
I’m a man. I was bullied by a group of women in the workplace by a lot of passive-aggressive behavior and remarks by my superiors. This is so spot on. I will add my anecdotal evidence. When you are one of three men in your entire wing, you’re a fly in the wall to all that is going on. And you also see the micro aggressions against you for being different. Women all around you trying to outperform you and discredit you, and then receiving negative performance reviews for providing good customer service, well, all that is in this video is spot on point. It’s sad. I couldn’t go to work without hearing snide remarks about me. And don’t say, “you’re a guy, deal with it.” Bullying and status are very much connected, and I’v seen it first hand.
A bad performance review despite evidence and an argument presented to the contrary was just that, argumentative (or being responded to with indirect aggression). And it takes a toll on mental health, including for men. The stuff I had to deal with just to get a paycheck was exactly what the findings are in Dr. Vaillancourt’s study. It’s a sad state. Men have limits, too.
“Women are more vengeful than men.” Dr Vaillancourt drops yet another laser-guided truth bomb. And weirdly, she swears with phenomenal impact, which most women cannot seem to pull off. I believe she swore twice in this entire interview, both times with real impact.
I have been straight up sexually harassed by a woman in the workplace it was both weird and unnecessary because at the time I had zero power or influence at that company. I had no ability to give her what she wanted
~Laser Guided Truth-Bomb 😂❤
Swear words’ effectiveness and impact are inversely correlated with their frequency of use.
@@kh9242 I think in the modern workplace it is used to dominate. If you responded you are opening yourself to a sexual harassment accusation. She would have had discrediting information which could be held over you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
I was bullied by my parents, siblings, at school then by the relationships I was in.
In my late 60’s and finally happy alone with my cat & nature.
Whoever you are, have a great day miss!
Just don’t let the cat out to “bully” the defenseless nature … 🐦
How's the cat treating ya?
many can relate to that, and yes, cats and nature are the best. The losers who say things like "enjoy your cats!!" as a jab don't get that a cat is better company than they could ever be^^
A dog is more loyal to you than a cat.
Thank you for this video, I've been seriously bullied since childhood by other females.
The worst part is that it's invisible, nobody sees how much damage it creates.
It took me years of therapy to heal.
This is fascinating. It really explains why I have such a tough time with female friendships. Being friends with guys just always seemed more straightforward. And women in an office setting are just a complete nightmare! Really brought out the worst in me. I’m glad I work for myself now!
Right?! And if you say that they’ll tell you you’re a pick-me
a feminist doing an experiment noticed the same thing. Essentially she dressed up as a man and joined a bowling circle. Here she noticed tham men were massively direct but not aggressive, just honest, and then remarked that with women it would have been a massive circklejerk instead
@@gmylap7344Dang that "pick me" term is ridiculous. It's just so we can't pull women up on their shitty behaviour because men do make better platonic friends than women. My closest friends are male. All throughout my life. No love in the sisterhood.
😍 Definitely because of jealousy-you're gorgeous, @@lizhindley!
The was study published in Forbes magazine 2 yrs ago which stated that 80% of all harassment and bullying women face in the workplace are from other women. So this checks out.
I’m from rural India and we understand relations really well, our survival depends on it. It’s less of what we can do with our hands and brains and more of who we know and what our place in the society is and being aware of it acutely. Women and men both know and act their roles, or we get a harsh reminder from the society. Getting ostracized is as bad as a death sentence. Everyone is happy, we have no confusions about who we are and what our roles are. The city folks assume they got it all figured out and try to lecture us, they look down up on us rural dwellers, but they’re the ones divorcing and cheating on each other, they’re the ones consuming and believing in western content and ultimately unhappy about their lives, not us. We watch the western content for the entertainment value, nothing more. What every traditional society around the world had always known, they’re rediscovering spending millions of dollars in research. And yet, despite the common or research backed knowledge, they’re not willing to change their ways for the fear of being cancelled, the pc culture has a vice grip on the western society at large, at least that’s what it seems to be the case from where I’m sitting.
Exactly.
While I do appreciate a healthy village life, because I have experienced it, we also know that there are unhealthy village dynamics (also in India) and no, it's not only women's fault. Research is needed, but more intelligent one.
you seem way too reasonable to be a rural dweller. i guess america is also losing its grip on meritocracy.
I think what you describe is more a feature of living rurally than living in India. I see the same difference in Australia between rural people and city dwellers.
America has been a test subject for unhealthy social engineering for many years. It seemed to start in the 1960's with the feminist agenda. It has been super destructive for much of the population. Your description of sensible traditional rural living sounds wonderful. Not perfect but healthy overall.
I realised all these at the age of 8 and decided that I don't give a crap about it. Haven't done ever since. Many women hate it, but I don't care and I lead a happy life. Most of my friends are men. But knowing these help me navigate the pitfalls women conjure up at the workplace every day.
As an introvert male, this way of thinking is just so different from my world perspective. It's like you're interviewing a representative of a human species from an almost parallel universe. Superficially similar, but definitely not the same. Fascinating.
Crazy isn't it. Several years ago now I fully realised just how different this experience of the world is to mine. I genuinely never think like this.
i grew up in a male only household and this is crazy to hear how toxic women are to the whole of society
@@GrandpaNinjaSnailstill less toxic than r@ping babies, animals and deadbodies,I suppose,, which we know, the very specific part of our society is so famous for..
@@Iamhere829 There's also a specific part of population that sleep with young boys and also indoctrinate them into progressive ideals of transgenderism.
@@Iamhere829 🤣; case and point... toxic comparison games women play... I grew up in an all male environment and honestly its actually healthy, definitely violent and brutal at time but ultimately healthy we want to see our fellow men progress, develop and succeed.
Men generally want records broken, we actually celebrate individuality and want to push boundaries on performance and success, not uniformity and power for the sake of it. Mentioning the 1% of seriously unwell men ignores the 85% of vicious women. Petty emotional, women tactics.
I'm a 53 year old woman and I haven't had a female friend in my life since 1994 besides my mother, my sister and my brother's wife (they are high school sweethearts and I met her when i was 16, she was 17 and got to know the real person). That's because another woman caused something in my life and I decided on the spot that day that I wanted nothing to do with other women. I've stuck to my family, my boyfriend then my husband and son. I even avoid my sister in laws. I have no social media so no one bothers me. I've lived drama free for the past 29 years and it was the best decision I could have ever made. No woman has interfered in my relationships ever since. It has been bliss. I have zero regrets and would recommend it to other women who are experiencing problems with women in their lives.
I also have zero female friends. No male friends either. Like you , I have a wonderful husband and some sons. I was really nervous with each pregnancy that I would have daughters. I just don’t understand the dark energy that comes from Women.
I'm the same, though I have adult children as well. I always make a classification between acquaintances and friends. I have plenty of the first but don't seek the second. I disagree that women always needed female friends to survive. Maybe as cave dwellers we did. But for most of written history women had husbands and children and a household to run. How were friends necessary?
@@dianak726it sounds like you fear women and girls- do you have that dark energy that “other” women have?
Fully agree. I came to this conclusion 6 months ago and while I yearn for friendship, my life has been more peaceful as well as my relationship.
@@grannyannie2948Imagine doing everything alone out in the wild as a lone mother wolf without the safety of the pack hierarchy. Can’t live with em or without when one needs assistance. Cash substitutes are available for hired help
women don't have each others backs. When our backs are turned they turn on us. If your a triple threat attractive intelligent a good team player they don't want you in their team, so your thrown out of the club, and they want you to leave that employment. In some cases discrimination happens and its more common that people universally know. This video is honest and true, its great that videos like this talk about these issues, this has being going on in society longer than we care to admit, yet we see such videos and in time become complacent about all these issues and change will never happen. We want positive changes yet I've not seen any changes to Psychology of other women in decades so the cycle of bullying continues. Videos like this are great but it wont make much change sadly
Finally the truth regarding women-women dynamic …. Never a true ‘sisterhood’ .
I have always said, Men pick on perceived weakness and women pick on perceived strength.
When you folks were talking about the poor treatment of women by other around the qualifier of sexiness, I think its really important to attach the word perceived to that qualifier. The first time I was ever labeled as sexy was by my older sister when I was age 12. (I was not sexually active - wouldn't be for years - and styled myself as a tomboy). My sister was one of the first of many women to socially punish me for her perception of what she regarded to be my sex appeal. It was nothing intentional on my part and that's why the perception part of sex appeal is so important in this discussion.
Thanks so much for this talk. I read Kicking the Prom Queen years ago and am happy to see more data around this subject especially with the rise of the "sisterhood" narrative pervasive in out culture currently.
May I ask, how is your relationship with your sister today?
Hey, I have a super insecure father and I am debatably Autistic or Aspergers according to older DSM's. I've learned in my 30's how many insecure people such as my father perceive my quiet demeanor as a deliberate and intentional attack against their ego which later on led to me keeping all my relationships with women secret so that my dad would not butt in and dissolve them out of jealousy as he does with everyone to include every car on the road in his rear-view mirror. You mentioned that women pick on percieved strength. I was viciously bullied in school for being a small but (vaguely) smart kid by all the girls. I brushed it off for the most part but I am curious as to why girls would be so vicious against a boy simply for being physically behind the puberty curve. In fairness, some girls were super cool and good friends to me and I wonder where they are now.
I love her honesty and transparency and the fact she was an actual bully. I've been bullied my whole life.
As the father of three grown married daughters, I am amazed we need all this research to tell us what happens! Everything that was shared, I kept thinking, "Well yeah...no kidding..." It just seems so obvious if you're paying attention. Maybe instead of government grants for research, we should gather all the community elders and start valuing their experience? Nah...put them out to pasture...
You would have the TH-cam of today, with anyone who has an opinion and an audience can present themselves as an expert.
This researcher has the data, as she said in response to his devils advocate question: "had she subconsciously taken on some of the mysogeny of men?" and she replied "along with my data". The data is much harder to dismiss.
sad that our society dismisses the elders opinions.
NO! YOU ARE SO RIGHT! These moderns yada on and on about "Tribes" but the tribal elders don't rate a mention. They are all creeps, hollow and ignorant (in the sense of ignoring reality).
Exactly
Fathers: tell your sons to: “AVOID WOMEN!” It’s over…
What she said about being the best on a team but not being the most popular resonates with me! I never understood how I could single-handedly win netball matches but ended up being bullied off the team. This translates to the workforce btw. I’m now in a mixed team and valued for being very good at my job but in other places that were female dominated, I was bullied to the point of wanting to unalive myself 😊
Very true. I’m a programmer. And girls that I know who want to be a programmer rather prefer to ask advice from less qualified male than me.
@@unknown_feature Are they less qualified, or more helpful and less arrogant? It could be that female privilege works when talking to men, but not when talking to women, so they might be going the easy road (which is annoying when people profit from unfair advantages). Finally, sometimes it's better to learn from peers who are at an equal skill level, they will get you better. Teaching is not about performance in some narrow domain, but communication skills.
@@aronhighgrove4100 Exactly, well stated.
yes, this conversation is turning on lightbulbs for me!
I remember having a conversation years ago with a lady at work that I was friends with. She explained all of this to me. She also told me how women are very territorial when it comes to men they are interested in, and how they view any other woman they see as threat to their relationship.
In an era of deliberate untruth (e.g., wokeness) these clearly truthful discussions beam like a bright light in the darkness. What a relief. I’ve coached elite men and women and everything she says hits hard and true. I studied the weird phenomenon of very successful male coaches in female sports and why they succeeded (my attempt to learn and do better) and it was much more about spending inordinate time adjudicating and adjusting the social hierarchy issues on women’s teams. Even at the elite level. I’m actually stunned that this woman is allowed to have a job in today’s university system, not the least in Canada. Well, more power to her. A LOT more power. 😊
I think woke ideology is socially collapsing. The conflict in the middle east is destroying their view of how their ideology fits all. Liberals are leaning with people who do honor kill!ng of fallen women and gays, and oppress other religions.
Its interesting to watch the woke find where their performative empathy lies (their empathy Is just a gesture, it's not like they will actually enlist to fight in war)
How did they handle the social dynamics?
@@MrAngryCucaracha That’s a long, complicated story, but in short they spent a lot of time figuring out the social dynamics, heading off ganging up on players, managing constant roommate problems, etc. Also they had to be super careful about not showing favoritism and to quickly addressing any favoritism “narratives” (usually lies). Anson Dorrance the legendary UNC women’s soccer coach, is the gold standard. He’s been coaching there 47 years and critically, he didn’t just manage female dynamics, he won and even transformed US women’s soccer. That was the challenge-creating a winning approach (being more male-like, aggressive, etc.-UNC teams were very aggressive) while still managing complex social dynamics. Pretty much stuff you don’t have to do with men.
@@tommyrq180 I would love to hear more about this. In my experience, women sometimes hide this competitiveness (consciously or unconsciously) from men. In your opinion, how do male coaches:
1. Develop a useful understanding of the traits of female competitiveness and ways to mitigate them?
2. Become aware of the "unseen" aspects of female competitiveness? I say this as a man who, despite my best efforts, still misses vicious female competitiveness playing out right in front of me.
@@Psyshimmer I studied and listened to what the really good male coaches say and do. Geno Auriemma (Connecticut women’s basketball) is another model. His teams and Dorrance’s shared a couple qualities I admired. They were more “male aggressive” than other women’s teams, consistently won, and seemed to avoid terminal intrasquad destructive dynamics. They have a sixth sense for women’s relationship dynamics. Well, and I’ll add another-they didn’t marry or have romantic relationships with their athletes. That is all too common for male coaches in women’s sports. So that should be a good start. Research what they do, and understand that it takes a TON of time, insight, and patience compared to managing men’s team dynamics. Finally, for the “what-aboutists” who are sure to pipe in, this is not to say there aren’t great and even legendary women’s coaches. Studying them would yield similar results, I suspect. I just knew there would be different dynamics with a male coach and pursued that line.
I was brutally bullied by girls in my school and neighborhood from 7th grade to 10'th grade. I was beaten up, verbally assaulted on a near daily basis. While they assaulted me they were saying "you think your pretty". I said to them, no I don't think I'm pretty, you're doing this because YOU think I'm pretty. It's so true that it never goes away. I told my mom and the authorities were called in and it STOPPED.
Lucky it stopped, often it doesn't. Or roles of who is the bully and not get reversed, and bullshit reasons made up to defend themselves.
I am 60 yrs old have always been attractive in somewhat fit, and women have rejected me my whole life. However, I have worked in a male dominant industry, Golf/Sports. I have complained and felt victimized because I worked with all men, this has completely turned my attitude from being a victim to being so grateful most of my life was spent working with men, thank you for this. It is my birthday today and as I move forward into my 60s I will never complain again because I’ve had to work with men. Huge paradigm shift.
There is no question that the savagery of my childhood affected my success in life. I jokingly tell people that I spent the second 20 years of my life recovering from the first 20 years. That was the 40 most productive years of my life,...lost. On the other hand, everything that I endured shaped me into an extremely unique person. The questions is, would I actually be happier with who I would have become without the challenges? Would I have contributed more to society? Well, I would not willingly relive the events of my life, but then again, having gotten past it, I would not seek to revise it either. The point is, this is one of the more interesting questions of my life, and now at 65 I have come to the conclusion that I would not want to be anyone else.
well said. Same experience. It is sad to think on just how many kids are bullied out of education and the consequent lives that take lifetimes to recover.
This is such important information for both women and men to understand. The covert nature of women's social engagement is a well kept secret. Thank you to Dr. Vaillancourt for bringing this information to the forefront.
To whom is it a secret? It has been quite evident since the beginning of time. It has been written about by several people throughout history.
Im all here for woman secrets. Spill the beans girls
Sources ? Recommendations ?
men know. Knew for a long time.
We just care and cater to this bs less.
@@imperator8657its not secret, it's just that society has been actively gaslighting itself that its not happening since feminism took over. If you look back this kind of behavior was some of the original arguments against women's lib and allowing women in the workplace
Man I am glad to see comments of so many women. Because I swear to god I have tried to talk about it as a man, but no matter how I phrase my experiences it always makes me look like bad person. As if I was hating on women, as if I was stereotyping them.
As a Christian, I’m constantly trying to get over my jealous tendencies. It’s incredibly difficult. The heart is desperately wicked. I’ve found that suppressing competitiveness or jealousy doesn’t work. At all. I have to pray and work on LOVING them as a person to get past it.
I have found the SAME thing. Suppression helps not one bit- it really does come down to asking the Lord to help me love others with the same love that He has loved me❤️ Thank you for your comment!❤️🙏🏼😊
It's linked to insecurity. The best steps is to reconcile yourself to your relationships to other people. Learn to live where no dependency on their approval and be cool either way
I feel you on that. Jealousy is an ugly thing, and it just grows as you feed into it. I’ve also been praying and asking God to take it from me, as well as insecurity, when I feel it creeping in.
We feel jealous by nature as women we feel threatened. Work on your outer appearance gym organic no gluten no casein no soy no processed food will keep you beautiful. Do what you have to do to eliminate insecurity. After two kids I have to work out. Yes I’m competing to make sure my husband doesn’t get too distracted. Gym helps a lot. We have to have a bit of vanity. I’m Christian I’m sure God understands I’m doing it to help my marriage survive the young beautiful girls 😂 I’m crazy
Indeed. Stay with it. Never give it up. Lord have mercy on us all.
I deeply appreciate this conversation and her telling the truth about it.
Do you know that children from age 0 to 7 have no consciousness, no self-awareness, no self-reflection,
because their brain is growing and developing.......therefore during the process of the brain growing
it's very easy to program their mind to be jerks, selfish, have no values, no love no respect, no happiness or self-worth
The child learns these things from observing the outside world, the child uses no filter to analyze these things,
the child has no analytical thinking,, to realize what is good or wrong, because their brain is mimicking behavior of other people, without anlzying it.
But I think the child is more selfware if it receives a lots of love.
The childś brain is finished at age 25, therefore some people wake up in their thirties and realize that they do something wrong or that their life isn't working but they dont remember the negative programs of mind from childhood because they are 95 percent subconscious.
Its like having a broken car and trying to convince the machine...well why you are doing this? stop being stupid. The machine has no self-awareness to start working.
The consciousness starts at age 8, but because the child is too fragile
the child can not consciously reprogram the negative patterns, because thye are 95 percent subconscious,
the child is not aware of them therefore it continues to adulthood...until the person realizes something is wrong.
Conscious mind is very loving, creative positive but works only 5 percent a day.
Therefore positive thinking doesnt work because positive thinking comes from a conscious mind that works only 5 percent a day.
Therefore if an adult seeks therapy, the therapy takes 3 or 6 months,
because the subconscious mind works by frequent repetition, it's about frequent habits
which means if you do good stuff 100 times, the subconscious mind will reprogram it as a good habit and values.
If you don't repeat it the mind will forget it.
It's like reprogramming your computer.
But there are techniques that may reprogram your beliefs in 10 minutes because the human brain works as a computer software program. Watch Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Bruce LIpton's videos. They explain how to reprogram bad habits learned in childhood.
People have 60 000 thoughts a day but they are ware only of 100 thoughts a day. Therefore toxic people are not selfaware of being toxic so much, because they are aware only of 100 thoughts but thye are not able to observe the subconscious thoughts.
Negative thoughts are very addictive to the brain because each thought and emotion creates a chemical in the brain and the brain starts to crave these chemicals,
therefore its hard for some people to change.
It's like teaching a child to be toxic and demanding....after some time the brain of the child craves these toxic emotions...so the child wants to change the behavior but the brain will send him messages start tomorrow you are weak you are nobody, you can't win etc so the child or the adult is continuing to be toxic to other people, because of the addiction to hormones of stress.
They found out that feeling self love gratitude empathy kindness makes you feel much more self-aware and self-conscious and reprogram negative patterns but to be more present and loving with friends and rebuild self-esteem and happiness.
This comment section is best therapy I ever had. So validating! I am not paranoid!
Very interesting podcast. I grew up believing that men are more competitive and women are more collaborative, by our nature. Things are a lot more complex than I was led to believe.
If the woman are truly 'equal' than ye. They will collaborate. This however is never the case in real life
Refreshing to have an educated, articulate, intelligent woman fearlessly give her point of view, chips fall where they may. Too often political correctness stifles anything unflattering about our natures in this climate and we can't improve what we won't acknowledge.
I find women bosses micromanage more and are more judgmental. Men bosses mainly just let you get on with your work and as long as you deliver don’t find any reason to be overly interested in you.
Holy shit the accuracy of this. My first career job out of college I had a female manager and she was so bureaucratic to begin with, then a new female AVP came in and wanted us all to fill out a spreadsheet of what we did throughout the day. I literally had to write down that 30 minutes of my day was dedicated to telling them what I was doing. This was around 2018-19 and I had never been more depressed and unhealthy in my life and eventually got let go.
My next two managers at my next two jobs were/are male and exactly as you described. Very chill and would not bother you as long as you met your deliverables. I know it's a small sample size but hard not to draw conclusions from those experiences
To be fair, you must consider the possible effect of sex discrimination.
If a company is a meritocracy, then you can be confident that your bosses are competent, which in part means that they will not cause needless stress or force you to work in inefficient ways. But suppose your company preferentially hires, retains and promotes red-haired people. In that case any red-headed boss you encounter is much more likely than a non-red-headed boss to be an incompetent, insecure micromanaging tyrant.
If your company preferentially hired, retained and promoted women just for being women, then that would be enough to explain a lot of bad behavior by the women you worked with, so you couldn't use that as evidence that women are innately bad bosses.
This!!
@@VidkunQLwomen, on average, are more Neurotic (nervous). A nervous boss is a bad one.
That’s actually so damn true lol!
I'm definitely going to get her book. After witnessing and being bullied by a range of women, mostly who followed the lifescript when I was younger I made a promise to not turn into that.
I'm still kind but am assertive and boy oh boy is that treated with suspicion and sometimes outright hostility. The tradition of nice is inauthentic and I'm all about authenticity.
After a nervous breakdown and a health scare I started to unpick my own internalised mysogny and now am only in competition with myself but oh wow the relational aggression is staggering. I was miserable and still never created firm strong friends when I followed the unwritten female rules so thought f that. Now I don't shrink to fit and take up space. I'm an introvert and I'm much happier in my authenticity than conforming because of others inability to look inwards. Lifes too short.
I learned some new things in this interview. The stuff about sexuality and shaming women who give it away too easily and indirect aggression and ostracizing other women was not new. However, the discussion of impression management and pretending to "be on someone's team" while not really being on their side wasn't something I'd thought about. It explains a lot.
We all learn the same lessons in life, but we learn them at different times.
He has a great point about not talking about the bullying. It subconsciously gives people the go ahead to start bullying you again !!
I was severely bullied for all of my childhood and pretty much the start of my adulthood. The bullying segment really hit hard for me. I wonder how my bullies would feel today if they knew what they had done to me. It's hard not to be vengeful in light of what was discussed. But I also feel strongly that success is the best form of revenge
Success is the best form of revenge. Odds are good they wouldn't care that they'd hurt you. If they'd somehow changed and were sorry it would do nothing to undo all the harm you suffered. Best to put your energy into continuing to move forward in your life and help create an environment where it's less likely others will have to experience the same pain.
I find people enjoy bullying. I agree success is the best revenge and we have to develop coping strategies. We can overcome.
Agreed.
I heard a woman here on YT who was a Holocaust survivor who said, "The best revenge is a happy life."
Tracy Vaillantcourt is spot on. I've experienced this my whole life but it has made me stronger.
I'm gonna get her book, because this is the first time I hear a professional woman talk about this in a way that's based on research. I appreciate her.
My wife is a tailor and Vietnamese. She owned her own business with 2 locations in 2 cities for 15 years before moving to the US. She also just happens to be a knock out in the looks. We're in our 40s and everyone accuses me of cradle robbing. She's only 4 years younger, but looks 24 years younger.
When she first got here she took a position at an alteration shop to get started again over here.
She was by far and beyond the most beautiful woman in the room. I noticed her acting very demure and reserved during the interview. Not her typical style. She's normally a social butterfly and randomly hugs strangers after knowing them 10 minutes.
I asked her about it. She just point blank told me she had to act submissive and non-threatening so the other women wouldn't hate her because she is beautiful and likely more talented than them.
She was more talented. Luckily within a few months we saved up enough to refound her business here. Every day was a game of her pretending to be less-than so as not to challenge the sisterhood.
When she would come home she would hug me and tell me why she has always liked men more. She would say men are hornery and mischievous, but rarely mean, or cruel. We stay little boys at heart, but women get old and dark hearted.
I was 178cm tall (5 feet 10) with C cup boobs when I was 12 years old. Also quite smart academically and blond with blue eyes and quite ok figure. I was MISERABLE throughout my school years. In junior school always picked up on for being too smart, as I got older things like boys lifting my skirt in the hallway, rumors about male teachers having crash on me, girls ignored me etc. started. Always slut shamed, even by teaching stuff - getting lectures infront of all class how I was inappropriately dressed while all the other girls had their skirts shorter and their tops cut deeper. Always wanted to make myself smaller so I can fit. As a result I got myself into a cycle of ED, social anxiety and depression. I'm ok now (although still medicated in my 40s) but still can't look at my teenage photos without being sad - I was beautiful and smart but so deeply miserable. Oh by the way - anyone I meet from my school remembered me as that cool/beautiful girl that had it all perfect in her life. What an irony
I had the same thing the male teachers having crushes on me rumors. In tenth grade people were saying the math teacher had a crush on me. people were also assuming we were doing sexual stuff together.
This makes me so sad to think about all the girls suffering in silence out there in the world
😔
My sister and her similar looking best friend had this happen to them too. They were accused of being lesbians in 6th grade.
Her friend 'fixed' this by getting a boyfriend immediately and losing her virginity in 7th grade. She was accepted.
My sister did none of these things and got used to being alone at school or being friends with the outcasts, who she is friends with to this day.
@@paulmryglod4802
Many outcasts make the best friends, tho'
What do you wish your parents would have told you to do differently (not trying to alter the behavior of others)? Would this conversation have helped you at that age?
My biggest competitor was my mother. In hindsight I can see her suggestions over the years that were not to benefit me but moreso to hold me back and keep me small. I can feel the guilt in myself whenever exerting my autonomy. It’s something I’ve really had to work through
It’s scary because it’s such a subtle thing that happens. Women can disguise their kindness so well and influence you to ruin your life without even realizing it
She probably was narcissistic. My mother showed the same behaviour.
I too, like you had a similar experience. I could write a book. I only just realised after I got married and had kids that my mother was competing with me. She tried and briefly succeeded in stealing affection from my babies to her. It became obvious when I was pregnant with my second baby.
One day I went outside to meet my older daughter who was coming home from school off the school bus. My mother went with me. I was 8+ months pregnant and had trouble walking. My mother literally ran ahead of me (knowing I could not hurry to her in my condition) and grabbed my child into her arms. Ok, fine. But it became obvious when my daughter strained to get out of her grip to run to me, and my mother held her back. It has caused friction between us because I call her out every time she tries to usurp my authority. And no matter how many boundaries I set, she keeps persisting.
My mom demanded I dress older and frumpier than I am as I started blossoming into a woman so she wanted me to wear professional office wear as a teenager and woman in my early twenties.
My mother demanded I chop off my hair in a “professional bob” and made me uncomfortable about my chest so I wore crewnecks and long sleeves. My mother made me wear heavy bright makeup.
I was so brainwashed I went along with her. It never occurred to me that my mother would sabotage me. It took until middle age for the brainwashing to wear off. Now, it’s too late.
my heart goes out to anyone who had to deal with a narcissistic mother. Or any kind of narcs and abusers. People can suck.
I'm so glad others have already spoken out. Both of my parents are narcissists and as a teen I luckily caught on relatively quick that my mother was a 'mean-girl' at home and was bullying me, nonetheless it did it's damage and I in turn looked for validation and community elsewhere until that was taken from me a few years before graduation. I didn't have a steady female group growing up since I was perceived as a threat by most girls as well, which didn't help either.
This is a great video & topic. She’s speaking a reality many women have lived or seen, but many do not want to be honest about.
However, I must be honest. Comment sections like these, while interesting seeing people share their stories, often perplex me. They’re often filled with people sharing their personal stories but never/rarely anyone being honest about when THEY were a problem or being unkind to someone. This is also apart of the problem that the speaker is discussing.
ETA: This isn’t victim blaming, silencing or shaming or whatever buzzword either. These experiences absolutely do happen, but I’m also looking at the other side of things. I’ve seen this behavior in real time too. Someone absolutely was horrendous to her friends & played the “I can’t trust women” card. It’s absolutely insane and diabolical and more common than we think. There’s no way so many women have the same stories but everyone is “innocent”.
My mother was obese. I was always slender. She hated me for it. Especially when i started developing in my teens. I had bad acne. My mother would tell me, "i woupd rather be fat cause i can just lose weight. You have acne. You'll need laser surgery to remove the acne scars." She would tell me that i needed make up to look pretty, unlike her. She manipulated my siblings and father to dislike me. Constantly gas light me. My younger sister was a miniature version of my mother. So i was always getting it for 2 directions. I have nothing to do with either 1 of them. I finally have my peace.
I literally just commented the same thing about my younger sister (although my mother isn’t much better because my sister would trash talk me to my mother and suddenly both of them would start an argument with me). So toxic!
Cassandra,
As a Mother that’s horrifying to me.
For all of my Daughters childhood I was size 18 & my Daughter was a size 2-4.
I know how hard childhood can be (especially high school) so I always tried to be supportive and tell her she is beautiful & not criticize her.
When I was young I never thought I was pretty (although I was thin, got recruited to be in a music video and even got paid to be a bikini model.)
My parents always made my siblings and I feel like we weren’t worth paying much attention to.
We were abused on many levels and almost NEVER given a compliment or an ‘I love you.’
I decided to never do that to my children.
I consciously chose to notice the good in them.
I knew they already had that negative voice in their head (that most of us have) & I tried to counteract that.
You can be a better parent than your Mom was.
You can choose to speak life into your kids.
You can uplift them and be a safe place to fall when they go out and the world chews them up & spits them out.
Because of what you went through, you know how much power your words have.
Also, in spite of what your Mother said - you don’t need makeup to be beautiful, Cassandra.
Letting your true colors shine is what makes you a genuinely beautiful soul.
Your light can be seen in your eyes - and THAT kind of beauty is eternal.
💕
P.S. Every time I hear my parents negative voice in my head I tell it to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.
It works!
💕💕💕💕
My goodness, just brutal to read that, I'm so sorry... Thank God I was blessed with a Mom (and 3 sisters lol) who was the most joyful, carefree, uplifting and positive woman I've ever known. I cannot imagine being torn down, degraded even, and bullied by this person that as a kid, we have up on a kind of pedestal. That's shameful behavior from someone considered "role models" and I'm glad you've found your way through. There's nothing cooler to me than seeing a woman genuinely compliment another woman on something, anything really, and mean it. REAL boss lady move, IMO. It shows me, "I'm secure enough in myself and my presentation to the world that I'm looking BEYOND the mirror, to another, and injecting some of that confidence into them, maybe they could really use it"...RIP Momma!
The purpose of the father is to protect the daughter from the jealousy of the mother
They viciously compete by encouraging their peers to make themselves not appealing to men, thereby clearing possible mate competitors off the field.
Beautiful at any size, Queen. SLAY (that entire box of chocolates)!
It's sad but true. I am a 66 year old retired professional and feminist. I steer clear of most women, especially in the workplace. I have experienced horrible bullying, jealousy, sabotage, just because I was slender, attractive, and had a professional degree. I saw it happen to other women as well.
"And feminist"???😂
Very interesting. There is a lot of girl on girl bullying in teens and teenagers and it can be vicious. It takes the same firm as the guest describes. Social media has made it worse.
Most of the bullying is done by girls, evidenced by statistics, especially online ones.
Males fight and move on.
In teens? If you observe a large enough female-only or nearly female-only group work team, you'll see exactly the same.
Jealousy is a huge motivator. If one person is getting attention then it’s taking attention away from the others. It’s a threat. So when you’re in a family of all girls you learn to hide your beauty from the others.
@@scilojI worked in an office with the makeup of 28 women to 6 men, more or less. Upon leaving my job, I remember having to do an exit interview with my supervisor who was a year younger than me. I remember telling her “i really enjoyed the atmosphere and all my coworkers. I thought it was really cool how everyone got along and there was no drama.” Her face was like 😳😳. I was like “what?” She said “omg it’s an office full of women, there’s cliques and drama all over! You probably don’t see it because there’s only 5 of you guys so everyone talks to y’all different and doesn’t include you in all the drama.” I was legit surprised. I thought ok damn, I guess even after high school and college, girls have problems with other girls. Lol
@@scilojYep! I was working in law firms, no problem with my male colleagues. Then I switched over to healthcare admin for a nonprofit and never encountered such a vicious group of people who backstabbed, threw eachother under the bus, and gossiped. The best people didn’t get ahead there. The most successful people in nonprofit healthcare (a very female run organization) were the ones who gossiped the most. They got the power. Not the ones who were actually good at the job.
Regarding friend poaching, my mother used to do this with my female (platonic) friends. At first I didn't think much of it thinking that she was just trying to make them feel more comfortable around me but then I noticed some behaviors like engaging in conversations with them that I could not participate and rudely changing the subject when I happened to start a conversation we could all participate to something I couldn't or wouldn't. Most of my friends didn't fall for it and started politely backing off of her but she was successful at least once where my friend who had married abroad ended up coming to see her and not me whenever she was in town for a few days. My mother actually poached her son's friends. To this day I find that hard to explain.
As a professional model for nearly 30 years, I’ve noticed that the loudest voices claiming “women supporting women” are often the most cruel. They support women they see as “less than” but spread lies about those they view as a threat. I’m fortunate to have a few genuine women in my life who support me, and they’re honest when they feel insecure-like saying they’ll only do face selfies w/ me & no full-body pics. I never want to make anyone feel less confident, and though it’s heartbreaking, I appreciate their openness. It’s sad how harsh women can be to each other. This summer, I wore a wetsuit to protect my skin, and my kids told me their friends’ moms were gossiping, saying I was “thirsty” and trying to “wreck homes.” Far from it. I value connection, not attention, and I’ve slept with far fewer men than most of the women I know. I can go years without dating. Ironically, my male friends may joke about my looks, but if they feel they’ve crossed a line, they apologize-something I can’t think of a single instance of from women who claim to support others.
Yes!
Every girl I've ever met who has declared herself a feminist are also constantly accusing other women of trying to steal their partners. They were also so much more likely to assume women were exaggerating when they had bad experiences that reflected poorly on women.
34 year old Woman here: All throughout school I was bullied (by low status bullies and high status bullies) and then I suffered from really bad social anxiety and selective mute-ism. Teachers didn't believe me (in fact one of the bullies was the child of a teacher). I was born with a medical condition that affected my outward appearance. I was also kinda weird and interested in things that other kids weren't. Can confirm the whole thing made me very depressed.
I’m not qualified to diagnose, but have you tested for autism?
@@XDominiqueXFranconX I could be on the spectrum. But knowing that information isn't going to matter either way. I just push through everything and live my life. No excuses.
@emmadray9813 wow I think that is really relatable for me. I'm sorry you have had this experience too and good to hear you are able to not let it define your life entirely and just keep on keeping on...❤
Now it makes sense why women are inclined to tell the ugly ones “you’re so gorgeous, girl!” keeping her thinking that she really is.
Also I think of an example where I would date a girl and she would bring up her best friend gladly saying that she is very beautiful and then I would see her not being any close to that statement, inflating the perceived beauty of my girlfriend at the time.
Conversely, she would hide the beautiful one if that would be her best friend.
There's a reason the movie 'Mean Girls' is actually a classic. I'm thinking I'm gonna watch it after this.
I mean if you have real friends they’ll tell you if you’re looking shit some days. I also think some girls just wouldn’t want to be mean to or critical of someone they’re not close with, but yes generally your correct. Less competition.
@@timeweston I don’t know it, but considering the title I can have an idea on what it is about.😂
@@cosmo588 yes, with new acquaintances not being mean would derive from agreeableness.
Some girls have said this to me and now I’m questioning if they were just fake compliments 😢😢
This is Not a misogyny, you are acknowledging what we all know. Those ones that are attacking they don't want to admit their strategy. But we all know about those strategies and how this works!! Well done! Perfect analyses!
I think you meant to say: This (meaning: Speaking the truth about women) is not misogyny.
Dr. Vaillancourt is so sharp. You can just hear it in how she speaks, eloquently without adding fluff. She might give a long answer, but it's all substance, no filler. Great guest.
I'm a man and I have to point something out that's not mentioned here.
Being 26 years old, I was mostly brought up by my mother and female teachers. I therefore believe I've developed a feminine mindset of the world and this explains why I'm not attracting women as I should.
I often times feel myself downplaying my strengths and hiding my talents because there's precisely what my female peers would've had conditioned into them.
This problem is not just a female only problem. I believe the issue is a feminine mindset problem which can inhabit both men and women, but it mostly affects women.
Therefore, we need to teach masculine mindset in young men so that they grow up aligned with their gender.
I notice a lot of my male friends are the same, they are shy and reserved and it almost feels weird when you brag about your strengths. It's got to a point where it's uncomfortable to tease a male friend because they or me take it to seriously.
There's no masculine structure anymore, everything is mixed and that's the problem. There used to be a place where men could go and be with men, but there's places where women can go and it's only women.
We have to bring back masculine only establishments for young and old men to bond and teach together.
This is the main issue with the 50/50 diversity rule. There are just some places where women should not be allowed to go for the sake of being a refugee for men.
Couldn't agree more
Add in that No ONE is being socialized into business norms now, boys nor girls, just as women are entering the workforce and supposedly the robots are on their way to supplant us all..
Thank for your comment
Feminism taught women that they could do no wrong. These young feminists of the 60’s/70’s became teachers and began taking out their hostility on little boys
Weak men create hard times …
As a super ridiculous talented male interior designer I have gone through extreme bullying in my professional life from women who needing to sacrifice the tallest poppy. I became an artist and vow never to work in the industry again until I’m an entrepreneur and in charge.
Hey Sabastian,
Has it ever occurred to you that when you call yourself ‘super ridiculously talented’ that it may not serve you well?
A lot of people interpret self promotion on this level as quite obnoxious, no matter HOW amazing your skills are.
The book, ‘How to Win Friends & Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie might be a good thing to read if you actually found the humility to do it.
❤
My 14-year-old daughter has been playing volleyball for two years and my 13-year-old boy for a month! Two weeks ago, they were competing in tournaments at two different schools on the same day! My wife accompanied my daughter, and I was with my son… The dynamic was so different with my son that it was simply astonishing!
I spoked to other parents about my experiences supporting my daughter's team versus my son’s team. The emotions generated by the girls during their tournament bear such a psychological heaviness that even the parents were affected!
While the boys were losing all their games, they kept their spirit high enough and they were relatively playful!
My wife texted me about how well the girls' sports team was doing that day and a call later on broke the contagious spirit and sportsmanship display by the boys. I was having a blast watching them as their cheerfulness was indeed contagious!
Well, it happened that my daughter had just been benched for a match! Oh la-la as they say in French! The female sports drama came to disturb me all the way to the other high school where my boy and his friends as they were joyfully celebrating the ''victory’’ of a single round out of ten!
Hahaha! Fascinating!
My girls were involved in sports but they didn't stick at it, predominantly because their temperament is competitive, probably they got it from their father, their mother being a predominantly nurturing soul
They found their achievements and drive to excel constantly tampered down so that all the team players could get acknowledgement, which saw them get knocked out on quarter finals or finals much to their disgust as they knew they could have won with the right competitive focus
It's was interesting to see this show up in them
Also, please edit your post. You are posting some good stuff but a wall of text is hard to read, a few sentence breaks and paragraphs would mean more people viewing your good post 😊
Don't shoot the messenger, lol
@@stultuses I wrote-it down in French and the translation came from google translate... The AI got better so I will give an other pass... thanks!
ty for sharing! @@macallard03
I got to the part about hairdressers and I realized why I hate hair salons. If it isn't a man or a woman who is as attractive or more attractive with long hair + secure in herself, I always get passive aggressive behavior from women with short, processed and unattractive hair, trying to get me to cut my hair much shorter and act like it's "not modern" or "wild" long and wavy as it naturally is. Yet I've always got compliments on my hair from men and random people who didn't see me as a threat. I didn't really understand it until now. The body positive stuff: an attempt to feel better about one's own habits and the state of one's body, subconscious desire to pull others down to the same level or worse, and yeah, the virtue signalling even if you yourself are a bikini model or would cry if you were even half as fat.
1:24:44 - When I told someone about my bullying, it got so much worse, because now I was also a "snitch".
And the talking that the grown ups did, did not help whatsoever.
I was never liked by girls in high school. I am 46 now and I think it was because they knew I was the "pure" girl guys were going to be attracted to. The virgin, never been kissed, no drinking, no smoking, no partying, amicable, kind, soft spoken, easy going, good grades girl.
I got by the way, one of the best man out there eventually. (So I think women in high schoo and collegel will hate you the most , the more they see like you can get the best guy out there).
We should tell daughters that if they hate you , you are on a grand path!!. Bring on the hate! The more the better lol
I went on to experience hate once again in the workplace by women. I mean, women have hated me pretty much until i was about 5 -10 years married. I finally have some girl friends.
I think that just might be a "human" thing. Lots of men are never fully trusting of squeaky clean men. They expect you to have a little dirt on you, so they can feel better about themselves not being perfect. Any time they start to feel bad about themselves, they can say "Oh, at least I'm not like Becky, etc etc."
I love this!
@@alaeacusmcfly4353must be so. Most men don't believe my husband when he says he waited 2 years to have sex with me. They automatically think he was cheating on the side.
I wasn't sure what to believe. But after 15 years married, I truly believe it. He is definitely a man with Christian values.
@@jerryjessup9192 I agree those are common reasons as well.
@@alaeacusmcfly4353not true for men
Women get totally crazy when jealous and do the weirdest things; one tried to convince me that a man who was interested in me was married, despite the fact she didn't know him, had only met him twice though me, she 'didn't trust him' but got very angry when.....and she admitted this to me......she wanted to 'friend' him on facebook and he turned her down.
As I guy I can't tell you How many times I've had a date or partners "best friend" intentionally and repeatedly try to sabotage our relationship just because I was taking time she could be spending with her
As a woman with autism, I feel so validated. I could never understand the meanness of my fellow women. I was never close to my sisters and frankly, I am afraid of them. I have a lot of depression and anxiety because I am always afraid of "attack" from any woman I talk to. I wanted to build a genuine authentic connection with a woman my whole life but the jealousy of them always got in the way. The love I felt for many women was stronger than anything they felt for me. It was one sided. Who I thought was my best friend, ended up being jealous of my happy marriage, it honestly broke my heart. I thought I was crazy and mentally unstable, but its the world we live in that is that way. I feel like I was born in the wrong world.
Totally agree that there’s no sisterhood at all.
Yeah..there's a sisterhood alright.
It's just not what it seems
Thank you!!! for bringing this conversation up! I struggle BIG time and the sad thing is I don't find myself that attractive. I grew up with a perfectionist mom who valued and shamed herself and other women & had a skewed sense of value as a woman because it's how she was raised. so she projected onto me leaving me feeling like I wasn't good enough or therefore "attractive" because I developed a super high expectation on what attraction meant and that I'd only be lovable unless I was attractive, yet your set up to fail because you can never meet that unrealistic expectation. thankfully I didn't go after other forms for validation. instead I feared relationships and pushed ppl away, bc I've had a deep fear to be abandoned, I struggle to make female friendships. and I have had to do a lot of healing. I often play small because I feel shame and guilt that other women's energy towards me is so uncomfortable. I personally have enjoyed being very feminine since I was tiny. I was 5 years old obsessed with heels and makeup and nails. it's naturally home I am. while I do my healing work, I like to equally look my best. from a young girl bc I felt I could never meet the standard of beauty I learned I needed to develop other skills and qualities to make me "worthy" and now my appearance is something I put energy into but my heart, mind and spirit I give way more energy and time, it's what makes me feel by far more fulfilled
U should be able to attract good quality men then
This sounds so much like me except my mother seemed to be in competition with me so she'd put me down. The abandonment part definitely hits home and I've come to realize I have Borderline Personality Disorder. You may not have it but, it'd be something to look into if you have abandonment issues.
“If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable” i believe is true! Thank you for that.
I myself have struggled envying a female friend and it was a personal struggle being around her. I also get where the other side is coming from: the part where women who are an object of another female’s envy or jealousy to be wary or cut those bonds, in fact that’s actually always the narrative that it can be unfairly shameful for the women feeling envious to feel that way and i think that’s what leads to the more toxic side of envy. i feel like i have to have my guard up every time just not to feel envy toward her because i was made to believe “i have to be always happy for my female friends’ success” and what if i’m not? it’s also real as much as someone being jealous of you. and i think both sides has to be talked about with more acknowledgement. I am aware envy is an unpleasant feeling but if it’s left unchecked or encouraged to be turned into being “happy” or “inspired” by the other even if you simply cannot i think that’s a factor of shaming ourselves when we feel envious.
Those who say they struggle because someone envies them are encouraged to cut off the other.
On the other hand, those who are envious are simply deemed insecure and encouraged to work on themselves and keep the friendship, if not, the envious is seen as petty and that seems unfair to me as someone experiencing it!
It’s not easy to feel envious and if others can overcome their envy within the relationship, good for them, but to some it might be a recipe for either resorting to toxic behavior or degrading oneself for the sake of keeping female friendships.
I’m not trying to be a victim here. I’ve stayed in a friendship and tried to work on this insecurity because i believe that is still a factor. but it has become too much that seeing it as my insecurity alone that’s at play turned to self blame that i can’t trust anymore if it’s my insecurity or intuition if i feel unease with a female. i would always resort to “oh i’m just probably insecure” narrative. So as much as the friendship was good on the surface it was unhealthy on my end but i had a difficult time walking away because i felt guilty that there’s nothing i can obviously point out as it built up to me in a subtle way, and because as i mentioned if im the one feeling envious what’s encouraged is to work on oneself while keeping the friendship. and im sorry it feels like im gonna endure that if i keep approaching it that way for the rest of my life.
Envy is fundamentally rooted in a sense of entitlement. If you feel you deserve a certain thing which someone else has and you don’t, or worse you deserve it more than them, envy is going to rear its head.
You can feel genuine happiness for the boons others receive fairly or by luck if you are able to let go any sense of entitlement you might have. Envy becomes impossible.
Soren Kierkegaard wrote about resentment and envy. Here's a bit I found:
"Kierkegaard also explored the concept of ressentiment, which he described as a result of envy. He argued that envy of the world's risk-takers can lead to ressentiment, which fuels a desire to bring down those who dare to stand out. Kierkegaard called this dynamic 'leveling'."
"ressentiment" :
"He described it as a state of repressed feelings and desires that can lead to a desire to bring down those who are different."
The one about the hairdressers left me shocked
I haven’t gone to get my hair cut in years, I just do it myself, because I always hated what they did to my hair and how it was never what I asked for
Get a gay male or lesbian hairdresser
Some years back I must’ve noticed this and decided to never EVERA let a woman cut my hair ever again.
same here....
I have had two really bad haircuts in my 20’s. I have very thick hair, and prefer to keep it long. Two different female hair dressers went out of their way cut 6-8 inches off my hair when I told them very clearly to take only 1-2 inches so my hair would still be long after. Both times I was absolutely devastated because it takes so long to grow out my hair. It might sound silly, but I love my hair and it feels like a part of me. I only get my haircut by one person (who is my friend in real life) now. I drive two hours to see her but it’s worth it.
Every time.
I was a peacemaker child, low-drama, and very fearful of confrontation. That said, I always struggled to feel comfortable in groups of girls. I wouldn’t say I was “bullied,” but was occasionally rejected and cut down (called “fat” (I wasn’t), clothes and hair made fun of, gossiped about, etc.) by girls who I considered my friends. I observed so much gossiping and drama in groups of girls, and it gave me anxiety. By the time I was in high school, I abandoned trying to fit in with the girl groups, and made friends with some nerdy boys. I felt so much more at peace, and had way more fun without having to worry about gossip and drama.
As I’ve gotten older, it’s been much easier to make friends with other women, but it usually tends to be on a one-on-one basis. Women in groups still give me anxiety! And I still see clique-y-ness (even among moms) everywhere I go.
This conversation brings up so many more questions though - why are married women and moms still competing with eachother? Socially, status-wise, and even sexually (Botox, plastic surgery, revealing clothing, etc)? I see this especially among women who seem to have their resources secured. Is it to secure resources for their children or themselves (in the case that they lose their spouse)? Surely the use of social media has changed the game a little, where women get a lot of attention and praise for being sexy. Indirect bullying can’t do much to stop that trend, so I think you see more women joining in the behavior. “If you can’t beat them, join em!”
*another side note - I grew up with a few brothers (sisters too), but I always enjoyed the way boys could playfully jab and tease eachother (all in good fun). Any time I’ve tried that with girl friends, it goes very poorly. They always take it personally. But laughing at/making fun of yourself is always socially entertaining to other females 🤪
To answer your question on why older women are still competitive, some women are simply unable to feel happy. This is a huge handicap which they try to counterbalance with feeling superior to others. This goal is very difficult to achieve and even more difficult to hold on to.
I wouldn't over think it too much. Lifting weights feels good, it feels like I'm more of my better self, so I just keep lifting more weights. I dont do it to be better than the other guy or to attract women. But I do enjoy seeing that I'm stronger than most at the gym, and I do enjoy it when women compliment my strength. It's nice to feel successful in some kind of hierarchy, but at the core that's not the motivation to do it. I'd imagine it's similar in most women who put effort in looking good. But also, I'm sure there's all kinds of other motivations to do what people do.
@@TokyoRights The “looking good” part is just one aspect. It’s the clique-y-ness, social/popularity games, high school stuff along with keeping up appearances.
I tend to see the same with men. In high status jobs you have the most narcissistic ... well, back when I was in high school we would have called them posers, I guess that fits. I think part of it is some kind of checking out phenomenon. Like in sports the people who can become a star athlete will be hyper competitive but the people who realize they are average at best will just slack off and play for fun.
Old habits die hard. We live in a society that blindly lives for the future in which we will someday "arrive", and as such never arrive in the present. To stop playing maladaptive status games requires recognizing and admitting what they are doing. As Tracy said "How can we change our lives if we don't acknowledge it?"
Someone who has always seen the world through a lens of competition with others is extremely unlikely to suddenly stop and turn their attention inward with a critical eye toward themselves. As far as such a person is concerned, that's literally torture.
In this regard I don't think there is a difference between women and men. Just in the method we go about chasing our own tail.
I’m going to buy her book. Thank you so much. This is exactly what I’ve needed. This is real and she put words into my life and thoughts