You voiced that so well! I feel the same way ALL the time. I am always doing something wrong and am supposed to work on myself so that he actually wants to spend time with me.
Leslie-you are AMAZING! You speak the truth for sure. Thank u for everything u do for struggling women. God has a plan for each of us. You inspire all of us. May God richly bless u to continue this important work.
to answer the question asked at the beginning- “What is Staying Well in a Destructive Marriage VS Staying Unwell?” here are a few examples from my experience- Unwell ☹️- (sadly, could list 100 examples here.) 1. living in a state of hyperviligence based on my husband’s moods. 2. Dissociation or crying during sex 3. Being on the verge of a panic attack when he’s in a bad mood or you anticipate something will make him angry like a bill coming due 4 . Fearing even minor necessary conversations as though they were huge negotiations 5. Getting physical symptoms from the years of the stress on my body. Migraines, sleep disturbances, IBS, inflammatory issues, etc… ❤😊 Staying Well: Once I Detached, I was shocked that my H scaled back his abusive behaviors tremendously. He doesn’t want to divide his finances. I stay well by: 1. Letting him have his OWN feelings. I don’t try to make him feel better if he’s mad. After all, everyone has a right to feel their feelings. I’m not his mommy. 2. I do not attend church with him bc he has been spiritually abusive to me. He is free to go to church on his own. 3. I will not sleep in the same room with him bc he has raged at me at night. My sleep is important. Many times I begged him to stop yelling so I could just sleep. I‘ll never put myself in that position again.
Thank you for sharing these examples.....I have experienced each of the 4 you gave for "unwell", and like you, could name many more. It is very painful. I also appreciate your examples of how you stay well. Although I agree w/ you not going to church with your husband since he's spiritually abusive to you, I hope & pray you will find fellowship at another church (if you haven't already). Plz don't let him keep you away from being an active part of the body of Christ. It will bless you to have extra support, strength, truth, and encouragement on your journey to wellness. 🥰
I heard you say before, Leslie, that when you are still communicating with a oerson who is emotionally destructive, you can view the situation as a MINSTRY instead of a RELATIONSHIP. This has been a very helpful mind-shift for me.
Thanks for sharing that too you learned. It reminds me of when Paul the apostle said (paraphrasing) " how so you know wife whether you'll save your husband". What a testimony it would be if God used us as instruments of His grace to those who will come into the true grace of God.
The confusion for me is that my angry and mean narcissist has been flip flops and after a few days of horrendous abuse he will flip like into some Christian dude but he's like faking and it doesn't last. I seem to be so trauma bonded that I actually get hope over and over again and the hope is always dashed by his anger and abuse
Dear daughter of God, I read your comment and prayed for you. I have been there and I am still fighting through it. Marriage is temporary and it has its purposes even the most difficult of marriages. As long as you are safe from physical abuse and there is no adultery learn how to detach emotionally for a season. It is guarding your heart Proverbs 4:23. If you are like me you are hopeful and desirous to believe "he's changed" but your hopes are repeatedly dashed. I want to give you another perspective, you are in spiritual warfare and the enemy wants to wear you out. We forget that there is an enemy and he seeks to devour us and his tactics are often times to use people who aren't yielded to the Holy Spirit. Those in the flesh James 3 says are earthly and demonic. You will need to put on the whole armor of God and learn to entrust yourself to God. Pray , fast, and worship. Memorize God's word and be nourished by truth. Once you start to shift your mindset the things he does won't affect you or crush you like they use to. You see things for what they are and you hope in God. He will not just change him but he will change you. Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might! Ephesians 6:10
Maybe the wife wasn't put there by God to change the husband. Maybe God's using the destructive marriage to change her? Iron sharpens iron, Ladies, isn't that the old saying? I pray that strengthening your resources and your independence along with your support systems will help strengthen and inspire your home environment, whatever that looks like to you.
No one can change another person. As to your second point, I don’t advise telling abused women that this is just God’s idea of molding them. Yes, in the Bible, the saints of God suffer. Paul suffered to preach the gospel but not bc he was married to a porn addict or a cheater.
To me staying well is not having to walk on egg shells all the time. Being able to be yourself without being afraid of getting in trouble.
You voiced that so well! I feel the same way ALL the time.
I am always doing something wrong and am supposed to work on myself so that he actually wants to spend time with me.
Leslie Vernick has helped me time and time again!
Leslie-you are AMAZING! You speak the truth for sure. Thank u for everything u do for struggling women. God has a plan for each of us. You inspire all of us. May God richly bless u to continue this important work.
to answer the question asked at the beginning- “What is Staying Well in a Destructive Marriage VS Staying Unwell?” here are a few examples from my experience-
Unwell ☹️- (sadly, could list 100 examples here.)
1. living in a state of hyperviligence based on my husband’s moods. 2. Dissociation or crying during sex 3. Being on the verge of a panic attack when he’s in a bad mood or you anticipate something will make him angry like a bill coming due 4 . Fearing even minor necessary conversations as though they were huge negotiations 5. Getting physical symptoms from the years of the stress on my body. Migraines, sleep disturbances, IBS, inflammatory issues, etc…
❤😊 Staying Well: Once I Detached, I was shocked that my H scaled back his abusive behaviors tremendously. He doesn’t want to divide his finances.
I stay well by: 1. Letting him have his OWN feelings. I don’t try to make him feel better if he’s mad. After all, everyone has a right to feel their feelings. I’m not his mommy. 2. I do not attend church with him bc he has been spiritually abusive to me. He is free to go to church on his own. 3. I will not sleep in the same room with him bc he has raged at me at night. My sleep is important. Many times I begged him to stop yelling so I could just sleep. I‘ll never put myself in that position again.
Thank you for sharing these examples.....I have experienced each of the 4 you gave for "unwell", and like you, could name many more. It is very painful.
I also appreciate your examples of how you stay well. Although I agree w/ you not going to church with your husband since he's spiritually abusive to you, I hope & pray you will find fellowship at another church (if you haven't already). Plz don't let him keep you away from being an active part of the body of Christ. It will bless you to have extra support, strength, truth, and encouragement on your journey to wellness. 🥰
Yes! Three cheers to this!
I heard you say before, Leslie, that when you are still communicating with a oerson who is emotionally destructive, you can view the situation as a MINSTRY instead of a RELATIONSHIP. This has been a very helpful mind-shift for me.
Thanks for sharing that too you learned. It reminds me of when Paul the apostle said (paraphrasing) " how so you know wife whether you'll save your husband". What a testimony it would be if God used us as instruments of His grace to those who will come into the true grace of God.
Willingly sacrifice for their good, not for their sin.
You are so wise, Leslie!! ❤
Abigail too.
Having peace...and love...no bitterness..being happy.
Mary Kay
✅ good video
The confusion for me is that my angry and mean narcissist has been flip flops and after a few days of horrendous abuse he will flip like into some Christian dude but he's like faking and it doesn't last. I seem to be so trauma bonded that I actually get hope over and over again and the hope is always dashed by his anger and abuse
Dear daughter of God, I read your comment and prayed for you. I have been there and I am still fighting through it. Marriage is temporary and it has its purposes even the most difficult of marriages. As long as you are safe from physical abuse and there is no adultery learn how to detach emotionally for a season. It is guarding your heart Proverbs 4:23. If you are like me you are hopeful and desirous to believe "he's changed" but your hopes are repeatedly dashed. I want to give you another perspective, you are in spiritual warfare and the enemy wants to wear you out. We forget that there is an enemy and he seeks to devour us and his tactics are often times to use people who aren't yielded to the Holy Spirit. Those in the flesh James 3 says are earthly and demonic. You will need to put on the whole armor of God and learn to entrust yourself to God. Pray , fast, and worship. Memorize God's word and be nourished by truth.
Once you start to shift your mindset the things he does won't affect you or crush you like they use to. You see things for what they are and you hope in God. He will not just change him but he will change you.
Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might! Ephesians 6:10
Saw what I think may have been an owl on my walk today... It was low and sort of far, so I'm just hoping it wasn't a cayote.
Maybe the wife wasn't put there by God to change the husband. Maybe God's using the destructive marriage to change her?
Iron sharpens iron, Ladies, isn't that the old saying?
I pray that strengthening your resources and your independence along with your support systems will help strengthen and inspire your home environment, whatever that looks like to you.
No one can change another person.
As to your second point, I don’t advise telling abused women that this is just God’s idea of molding them. Yes, in the Bible, the saints of God suffer. Paul suffered to preach the gospel but not bc he was married to a porn addict or a cheater.
I get what your saying.
Id like to get the workbook
I have how do I get the workbook??
Exactly