Oh boy does this hit close to home. Gaslighting is devastating when combined with our emotional dysregulation. I've been in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships, and it still affects my confidence to this day. Sometimes I even wonder if _I'm_ emotionally abusive. Therapy has helped in some respects, but it's still a huge burden for me.
Especially because when we get frustrated, we can blow up, or lash out, then it's "Why are you yelling? Stop screaming, you're overreacting! You're acting ridiculous, you have an anger problem!"
This is so validating to read. I'm sorry you go through this too, but I'm relieved I'm not the only one. I was with an abusive narcissist and I almost always worry that I'm abusive now 😭 it's awful!!
Diaries that are very hidden and very secret help remember events parents or "friends" may try to turn around. Keep them!!! It helped me finally confront my mother.
I started a diary a few days ago for this reason and to help get things out of the tangled mess that is my brain. Already I'm seeing strings of thoughts clearer. Definitely recommend.
This is so so so important! I haven't ever kept a diary and my family convinced me that everything I thought in my childhood were beliefs I never even had. I had to go through old messages to loved ones to prove to myself that any of those thoughts actually happened.
Keeping a diary of my thoughts and concerns about things that happened with my ex is how I managed to get out of my abusive relationship. I saw red flags early on (which he explained away perfectly) and wrote a letter to my future self that if he does X Y or Z again.. to GET OUT, NO MATTER WHAT. and I realized those things had happened, multiple times, but rationalized it away as one-time things. So I took my own advice and I got out, finally.
My ex did this all the time. It got so bad that I started recording what was said in conversations. It was very much like the movie. I literally thought I was losing my mind. I still gaslight myself as a result of years of that abuse. Having ADHD and trauma made is so much worse.
I try to pay close attention to my boundaries now. Because I am prone to cross them either because there is a trigger that sets off action or because I don’t trust my own judgement. But self trust is the start. I try to take my gut feeling seriously and act upon it.
ive always said that my ADHD makes me gullible to the point of absurdity. as it turns out ive just been gaslit my whole life so i believe everything everyone tells me, since “i must be wrong” and “why would they lie?” 😬
Yes, me too. I'm very gullible, believe most things people say at face value, and question myself all the time. I wonder if I'm being manipulated often because I'm very open and honest and people will use that against me, causing those gullible feelings, insecurity, and a little paranoia. I don't lie BECAUSE I don't have a good memory and I try to be a good person that people can be open around... I feel like eventually other people will figure that out and learn I can be trusted while there are those that can't be, so I just march on...
it exhausts me as my brain (with the help of Aspergers) will go through every single conceivable permutation so I can be 100% sure what they said was wrong before I confront them .... because like you say "why would they lie" and for me also, "but they must have checked that's right" ... normies talking is like taking a bath in poison often.
@@HowtoADHD Thank you for sharing it with us. It's easier to keep these short phrases in mind, when trying to remind yourself of these things. Easier to repeat. Like, "done is better than perfect." Concise and easy to play/loop when the reminder is needed.
This is a really difficult topic. I think back to some incidents of gaslighting that I know were deliberate, and then there are times when I'm like, "but maybe that person was just mistaken? Or I was mistaken?" I did have an epiphany when I realised that if a relationship with another person feels confusing, exhausting, and I want someone to reassure me that it's not "just me" then I don't actually *have* to figure out if it's deliberately gaslighting or not. I can end the relationship (romantic, platonic, etc) simply because it makes me unhappy. Or I can put in boundaries to protect myself. People pleasing for survival can become a habit while you have no other choice, and be hard to break when you do. We don't have to prove to anyone else that a relationship is bad for us. We need to listen to ourselves.
Yes!!! Exactly! It stinks that many of us will learn this the hard way first (maybe a few times) but once you actually start putting down firm boundaries with people in your life, it becomes easier to use the word “no”, and that’s the first step to breaking the people pleasing chain! It’s always easier said than done, but is super empowering once you start… And if anyone tries to make you feel guilty for having boundaries, they are likely not really in your corner to begin with… I loved your point about not having to understand their intentions too, that is so true!
“If it’s hurting you, it’s hurting you.” Wow I needed this today, right now actually. Thank you for teaching me the language I didn’t know I needed to understand why I left a doctors appointment crying. My psychiatrist just blocked, diverted, and trivialized my symptoms and experiences. As an ADHDer, I doubt my symptoms and experiences all the time and rely on the expertise of medical professionals to help me understand myself and what I need. But man that self-doubt only gets worse the minute a doctor gaslights you and makes it so much harder to advocate for yourself.
Now try dealing with the ENTIRE VA doing it. I genuinely am surprised MORE of us don't commit suicide in the parking lots. Only really good thing Obama ever did, suicide prevention hotline for VETS and they have to tell you the number every time you call.
I think the medical profession is RIFE with gaslighters ! As is the world. It is your body. It is your mind. It is your soul. Screw anyone that tries to mess with you. Bring an adult is often learning to stomp on the toes of those who have been stepping on YOUR toes for years. Screw that. Get angry. Go no contact with those you realize will never change. It's not your job to be a "long suffering Saint" ! Screw that !
That’s so true! I’m glad you can recognize it and I hope you find a better doctor!! I kept a therapist for over a year that would trivialize or dismiss my feelings and criticize the choices I’d make. I started to hate my sessions, but I blamed it on myself for… I don’t know, being bad at therapy. She would often tell me that I’m overly sensitive, so I assumed that I hated the therapy because I was just being “too sensitive”. 😕
@@leilatimeful I would report them. They are supposed to SUPPORT you, not make you WORSE ! Next person might commit suicide due to their gas lighting !
😢 and 🤬! And *hugs*. You are not alone... I know that statement, "you are not alone" is so overused and often not helpful when you're going through it. It's only words written by some random person on the internet. I also want you to know (in case you've never heard it OR in case you need to hear it AGAIN): Healthcare is broken. Absolutely broken. Especially when it comes to ADHD. THIS DOES NOT MEAN we deserve to have our concerns just dismissed. It does NOT mean we're crazy. It does NOT mean we're drug seeking. It does NOT mean we're "lazy" and looking for an "excuse". It does NOT mean there's something wrong with us and our value AS HUMAN BEINGS. These are my thoughts/opinions/observations. Most of the time it's the system because so few providers (even psychiatrists!) have a good education on ADHD and still have a lot of misconceptions and biases based on outdated information and/or they're so overburdened and given such little time with each patient that the only way to manage the load is if they're a hammer and they *perceive* everything to be a nail ...... Most want to do right by the patient...some ARE giving their patients excellent care, some are just doing the best they can with what they have, and some just don't know what they don't know.... That's what I like to tell myself anyways... Because I know there's arrogant docs/providers out there who aren't interested in even entertaining ADHD as a diagnosis, especially if the patient's neatly fit into the (arbitrary/random/stereotyped) confines of the DSM criteria. If they're in psychiatry or primary care, they're in the wrong specialty.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but: It isn’t “not a big deal”, it IS a big deal for you. You wouldn’t feel that way if it didn’t matter to you. Don’t let someone tell you that you’re “too sensitive”, you’re feelings are valid, and never feel bad for how something makes you feel.
I got frusrated having this ADHD , but with the use of dr imenherbal on TH-cam herbal remedy , i have been able to get rid of ADHD th-cam.com/channels/1PVLGWeT3a6Cto-kOD9IfQ.html
thanks, gosh, my sister told me that once a little bit ago, it is a big deal, I'm not a bad person because I'm sensitive. and yet I couldn't even tell her that-i ahve this immense fear of conversations with people who aren't like minded because my family doesn't understand nor do they do anything but weakly try to for a few minutes and give up because they are annoyed I'm so ahrd to talk to when it's really their fault in the first place
@@NIGHTBLOODUSAGIomg this is exactly how I feel!!! I feel like they’re so annoyed they have to try and understand me that they rather just blame me for everything instead of actually listening without huffing and rolling their eyes so hard I feel like the largest burden and a bad person for having different needs and so now they have to walk on egg shells and I’m just rsd and they get mad at me for feeling like a burden saying that’s what makes them feel burdened and I just can’t ever seem to get it right and idk what to do!!
I actually was diagnosed with ADHD right around the same time that my emotionally abusive 6 year relationship was getting really, really bad (what I would later find out was the discard phase) - the whole reason I went to therapy is because I thought I was literally losing my mind. The word gaslighting was not even in my vocabulary until my ex accused me of gaslighting *him*, so I googled it and oh boy 😳 it led to TONS of info/videos about emotional abuse, narcissism, etc. and I finally understood what I was dealing with. Makes me get choked up just thinking about what an exhausting, confusing and heart breaking time that was
@@Plethorality exactly!! Wish I had known that at the time - I always thought it was so strange that he didn’t trust me, always thought I was trying to get with other men… even putting on mascara before going to the grocery store would launch a full blown interrogation!
Goodness, this hits hard. When I was in middle school, I made an online friend who was incredibly manipulative (we'll call her Bre) and often tried to get me to agree with her on things I thought were wrong. She would often ignore me after an argument in order to get me to beg for her attention so we could talk it out. Hell, at one point, she even tried to convince me I was gay when I mentioned how pretty a female character was. If I remember correctly, she even tried to push me to do NSFW roleplays with her on Hangouts... At that time, I wasn't diagnosed with ADD and I was already a pretty sensitive kid. The only people I had to help me get out of that toxic relationship were two other online friends and my mom. Bre would often try to get me to stop talking to those other friends and convince me that my mom was a "bad parent" for trying to get me to go outside and do activities around the house. This "friendship" lasted all the way until the middle of my freshman year of high school. I had an emotional breakdown in the middle of the cafeteria because she was guilt tripping me into thinking I was a terrible friend for forgetting her birthday when she already knew I was bad with dates... Bre's influence in my developmental years still affects me to this day. And that really sucks, but I'm slowly getting better. If you've read this far, thanks for reading my sob story and be careful out there! Nice is different than good.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. A true friend wouldn't want you to stop having other friends, and a true friend, will never say or make you feel like you're a bad friend. I can imagine it's still with you to this day, things like this really stick.. I really do hope it get's a little better everyday 😘
@@SlothDaan Thank you for the kind wishes! I can't say I'm glad that it happened to me, but it at least taught me what manipulative behavior looked like, so I could have a more precise people radar. I am, thankfully, with much better people now! Both online and offline 😊
I am so sorry this happened to you. :( I can't even imagine having a friend that close to me manipulating me to such a degree. I have had similar "friends" manipulate me or make me feel like I'm losing my mind. The people pleaser in me starts to lose it when conflict pops up over it and I kind of have a little panic attack. Hang in there and keep being your awesome self! If someone is making you feel bad, that is on them, not you (something I have to tell myself sometimes) and it's okay to cut off friendships to protect your own mental health. Have a great day!
Gas lightening is a classic narcissistic type of control 😔 So thankful one of my dear ADHD brains has fought back and has gotten herself and her 4 babies safe and has mostly stopped questioning herself and decisions. She’s feeling quite empowered!
@@rjm809 not to mention the way that "narcissist" has itself been turned into a term of abuse oftentimes. my gaslighters accused me of being narcissistic and it worked, they got into my head and convinced me that I have npd and was 'crazy' (I don't have npd but even if I did it wouldn't warrant the abuse I experienced), and I very frequently see hateful online groups accusing everyone who stands outside of them of being narcissists and lovebombing each other into behaving really manipulatively. I definitely feel like as a society we need to take stock of what that word means and how it is used
It isn't specific to narcissism (something that gets way too much attention on the internet lately, often by people who aren't qualified in psychology). I suspect everyone has gaslit someone at some point in their lives (usually when relatively young and immature.)
Doesn't help when your parent is a narcissist who always turns everything into game w/ a score board, where they're not only the opponent, but the referee, and the inventor of the game
I've been feeling gaslit by my Dad for a while now. We both have ADHD, I'm 22 male, dropped out of college during COVID after 2 straight-A semesters, tons of potential, now living at home trying to figure out what I wanna do, all that jazz. He doesn't understand what I'm going through because he's learned to just deal with his ADHD, and he's also a workoholic military man. I'm very artsy (while also being very good at math and science), so he thinks I should be able to just deal with it like he does. It's very frustrating and demoralizing when he gets upset for my failures, on top of myself being upset at myself.
living back at home at 29. It'll get better I promise. I didn't know about my diagnosis. What i'd say is to really get good clarification on your strengths,weaknesses,and values. Plenty of tests online to do this like strengths assessments. Figuring out what you want to do is so important! The reason I'm in this situation is from an emotionally unavailable father, sounds similar to yours. You can do it! Congrats on the straight A's! Don't beat yourself up. You're parents had 18 WHOLE YEARS to help you figure out these things! It's not totally your responsibility! Coaching, therapy, DBT or ADHD coaching covers this but i haven't done them yet.
College was debilitating for me, being undiagnosed at the time. Failures stacked on each other and the stress was crushing, despite starting with all A's the first year and a half I finished with barely C's. Not due to ability to work, but inability to commit and finish, coupled with striving for perfection over completion. Gaslighting parent actually gave up on me, "how long are we supposed to wait [for you to graduate]?" Quite different from my "gifted" and "smart" childhood years. The difference for me was lack of structure and support.
Keep a notebook. What you are comfortable with about yourself. What you like about your Dad. Three goals you have. They do not have to be work related. I prefer a three ring binder. That way I can move the pages around. They are not rigidly in place. Realize your Dad also has ADHD he might not be deliberately gas lighting you like some people would do. He might legitimately be forgetting what he already said or you did. And us old time military also sometimes have PTSD on top of ADHD to deal with, anxiety. So sometimes we are short tempered or avoid topics and other times we might be ok with them. If you keep short notes about when he changes the subject or what he seems to forget you might catch a pattern he is not even aware of himself. I would not recommend "confronting" him with it. If it is PTSD related you could get quite an unexpected back lash. And the workaholic is part of him trying to cope, staying focused. Once he stops he MIGHT feel lost. Getting out of the military with its signals like bugle calls to help him know the time and the task was an adjustment. Maybe suggesting some replacements would make him feel better? Or just make him sour. Your call to try or not. I had the same problem and it took time to realize when computers took over in hospital labs. With no physical slips to cue me in there were pending labs running I got confused and I was not as efficient at my job even started to feel lost when I had to check a screen every few minutes. It was black and white instead of colorful which hit my weaknesses instead of my strengths at the time. I finally gave up and changed careers it was so hard on me. Went into teaching science.
It's okay to not have it figured out. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and chances are you are not gonna be doing the same thing untill you hit your pension. You're gonna go different paths and it's really important to stand still and ask yourself: am I still happy with what I do? Sometimes we're so stuck in a routine, we can't see how unhappy we are. Please take your time and take good care of yourself ❤
@@suzannehartmann946 I should mention that he never saw combat, so PTSD is out of the question. And whatever he's doing that negatively affects me, it's 100% unintentional, which is why I try to have patience and understanding when he does this stuff
"We might trust others' judgment over our own" really resonates. My ex gaslighted me during our breakup, and even though her claims didn't make any sense, I had so little faith in my own memory and had come to rely on her so much that I really doubted myself. It took some counseling for me to realize what was happening.
I’ve been gaslit by my father for so many years that I believed every word he said. I finally had to get away ever since I learned really bad things he’s done in his past. I’m glad that I can start to recognize the difference between abuse and gaslighting and kindness and love
Was a victim of gaslighting in a relationship. Took me a long time to recover my self esteem. I lost all sense of self after that experience, I wouldn't wish it even upon my worst enemy. My advice is take your time when entering relationships, especially if you have adhd.
I told my therapist about this wonderful channel and she LOVES IT and recommended it to other clients now! You are such a wonderful resource for so many, myself included. . Now, this episode really hits home. Lately, I have even worried that my poor memory due to my adhd has been getting worse because someone in my life keeps telling me that I say certain things and when I say “I never said that” they tell me I’m forgetting I say things because of my adhd. It’s been scaring me a lot lately and I don’t know who to believe-me or the other person.
My mother does this to me and its unbelievable hard to prove it sometimes. I started keeping a journal just to help me remember I was insane. Thank you for making a special episode on this. It IS especially hard for those of us with ADHD it seems. Took me until my 30's to realize what my mother was doing.
I've been gaslit almost my entire life, starting with my mom during my teen years when she would constantly deny my claims of adhd and say I was just depressed/gifted and bored. Then throughout my entire 7 year relationship afterwards, where I've steadily grew to mistrust myself and what I could remember, question my self worth, and even lose a very close and potentially strong friendship that my ex convinced me was wrong for me, and now the friendship well never be the same as it was. I've been to therapy and was "awoken" to all of this and I'm slowly healing on my own. But emotional abuse, especially very consistent abuse of years, is so hard to shake away.
Having bad memory has also led people to accuse me of gaslighting them and also gaslighting the gaslighting… told I’m probably remembering it wrong or wasn’t paying attention.
Yeah that's totally me as well... I don't trust my memory so oftentimes I believe what others tell me so I won't fight for things I eventually end up believing is not reality
@@bethanykibler525 Use a calendar not just to keep track of appointments but to MAKE NOTES of what matters to you. Things people said, events. Happy, sad, frustrating. It amazed me once I started doing that how much easier it is to keep track of things. Including where I put things away. BTW I finally figured out that where I put things AWAY is not where I LOOK for them. SO NOW when I go to put them away I ASK myself, wait, where will I LOOK for them later and put them there.
@@suzannehartmann946 What If you don't know that it will be important though? Something that seems unimportant now might come up later and that's when you wish you remembered it correctly. Or you could easily forget before having a chance to write it down.
As someone with ADHD I was always told I lacked empathy. I worked hard learning to be more empathetic, took classes, read books. The minute an ex would get mad she would immediately jump past everything I learned that because I accidentally overlooked empathy in the past I must not have been able to have it in that moment and it would always turn into no matter what happened that would always be the problem. Because I knew I lacked empathy in the past it was an immediate trigger to make me doubt myself
Oh God. Seeing it spelled out like this made me realize this is what my sister and I have done to mom. Not all the time, but often enough that I feel incredibly guilty. What we thought were 'productive conversations about past wrongs' were actually just me and her forcing our perspective on mom and making her feel terrible about stuff she had no control over. No wonder she felt exhausted after. I have to call her. I have to apologize.
Thank you so much for this. I have autism, adhd, and menstruate. I'm super vulnerable to being gaslit, but on the other hand I have a fear of accidentally gaslighting others. Due to my bad memory I'm sure there are things I have done and said but when it's brought up it's extremely hard for me to believe them and so I might end up gaslighting them instead. I have no idea how to fix this.
I have this too sometimes. When this happens i try to get to a agre-to-disagre point to meet at the midle ground. And move on from this point with the question "what do we do about it now?" to find a solution if needed. If the other person is also trying to find midle ground and you are bouth looking for a solution - good. If they force their oppinion on you, even thou you try to find the midle ground, and trying to convince you to do what they wannt you to do, they is trying to gaslighting you. (I hope my english is not to bad, it is not my first language) greetings from a Person with adhd and autism, who amenstruate. Edit: typo
This is an article about this I found very helpful personally -- www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-it-still-gaslighting-if-my-partner-has-aspergers-0311194#:~:text=The%20fact%20is%20that%20I,be%20if%20intent%20were%20there
@@HowtoADHD Thanks for a great video taking on this topic. Grateful for what you do on your platform. Want to mention a psychologist with ADHD, herself. Dr Stephanie Sarkis has a book about gaslighting for the general reader. On her TH-cam channel she relates how people with ADHD can be low hanging fruit for gaslighters. Gaslighting, bad, and even good, is a normal human activity. But, real gaslighters cross a thin line. To where they challenge and break down a victim's sanity and sense of reality. They're toxic people. The American Psychiatric Association doesn't classify gaslighters as a distinct personality disorder. Because, gaslighters refuse to be seen or treated for their addiction to getting and holding other's attention. Insisting, instead, the whole problem lies with who they target. Claiming a gaslighting victim's a gaslighter is a favorite tactic. Ruining someone's image or reputation is also part of this behavior's toxicity. So, the American Psychiatric Association I learned, has a dilemma. Abel to label this pathology a disorder, distinct from narcissism. But, still, then, hardly anyone gets treated. Gaslighters do need a 'narcissistic supply', tho. A need for personal power over a captive audience dependent on the gaslighter. I've learned how, nevertheless, clinicians can be aware, being a gaslighter's a distinct personality disorder. Hence, using the term in technical jargon. Evidence for it, lines up from people hurt by gaslighters, from law enforcement, etc. More clinical data needs to be studied. Even clinicians need to make each other aware. It seems the psycho-pathology is clearly understood. But, I recommend Dr Sarkis as a valuable source of information on this subject. And on Gaslighters, as distinct from people commonly gaslighting. Actual gaslighters being typically pretty dangerous and insatiable.
It's comforting that many things that make me feel alone, are actually side effects of ADHD that I haven't mentally acknowledged until I watch one of your videos. I didn't realize that my tendency to self isolate, ADHD, and susceptibility to gaslighting are kinda connected.
I want to add that this can go the opposite way too - our bad memory can also lead us to gaslight others because we were not paying enough attention. Take care of yourselves and practice radical honesty whenever possible/safe
I've noticed that I'm very susceptible to manipulation and have been in an abusive relationship before (roommate). I've worried that it was a character flaw that made me gullible. Glad to hear it reconfirmed that it's not my fault that someone else takes advantage. I'm sure if I was outside looking in I'd tell myself that, but I don't always remember to try out that perspective shift with my negative thoughts.
if you can, in those moments, try to think of what you would say to someone else. I have a practice of looking in the mirror as though the reflection is another person and talking to Her with compassion. ✨💝✨
@@MorganBondelid Yeah, I find it helpful to think of a specific friend and think "If this exact situation happened to her, what would I think about it?" Having someone specific to think of really helps me be more kind to myself.
It is ok to have someone genuine to bounce thoughts ideas and perceptions off of who you CAN trust. To catch the gas lighters early and start avoiding them so you don't get manipulated. I hope you have someone like that in your life.
As is the case with so many other minority groups, we are constantly told that our perception, experiences, sense of reality and way of being is wrong. Both on an individual level and a structural, societal level. I'd wager we are more prone to gaslighting, not cause we're more susceptible by nature, but because we, as a group, are conditioned to, from having our sense of reality continuously be brought into question. It's the same dynamic as when BIPOC are told that racism doesn't exist, and the racism they experience isn't racism. Or women are told the sexism they experience isn't real. Or trans people that the transphobia they experience is all in their head. Or poor people that classism doesn't exist and that they're in full control of their misfortune. Fat people when they are told that the malicious attacks are 'empathetic concerns about their health'. It's all gaslighting in a big scale. Gaslighting is all about making someone doubt their own sense of reality, and it becomes much easier to bring someone's sense of reality into question, if someone else has already done the groundwork
I'd also argue were more prone to being accidental gaslighters. It's not done with malicious intent so I wouldn't call it abusive *problematic and potentially hurtful, yes* but not abusive. An ADHDers penchant for tuning out conversations that don't hold interest or not registering things we've consented to or been asked to do because it occurred during hyper-focus are ALL common place. Thing is, I wouldn't say that makes the ADHDer abusive... unless they refuse to have a discussion about it and try to work with those in their lives to figure out better ways to approach the ADHDer about important stuff. I also fear the term gets overused and therefore diminishes its impact and meaning of the actual acts... much like the way people have trivialized the term narcissist or having bipolar or OCD or even having ADHD. I think too many people forget that gaslighting involves and element of intentional manipulation.
Yes, any time a group is bubbled, whether it's done by the group itself or other people, you can lead to that issue. I personally get frustrated with the police shootings as much by the failure to distinguish between lawful uses of force and unlawful ones. If certain communities can't tell the difference, or refuse to, you get what's happening in places like Seattle where crime is up and there aren't anywhere near enough police to handle it and the community services that were supposed to be taking on some of the burden aren't up to speed yet. Or, you get communities refusing to cooperate or interact with certain professions, which leads to those professions having limited ability to address things on their end, whether or not they care to. Ultimately, the only thing that has ever worked in addressing these things if for the aggrieved community to pick what the perception they want of them to be and then to behave accordingly.
@@SmallSpoonBrigade The thing that works is for People With Power to actually care and put money where it matters, to create structures that facilitate compassion and acknowledge our humanity. It's a mistake to put the burden of solving oppression _on the oppressed._
This channel has taught me to love myself. My sister once said "ADHD is just an excuse for being lazy". I was speechless then, I've never confronted her and never will, but I can be more forgiving towards myself.
Oww, I've been questioning everything lately. "Am I really overreacting?" Thank you for the info, love your channel and your vibes ♥️ Ps: I haven't been diagnosed yet but it seems I do have ADHD for a lot of reasons.
Check out DoctorRamani, she is a clinical psychologist and has a channel dedicated exclusively to narcissism. She speaks about gaslighting too. She helped me a lot.
Yo, these new graphics are awesome. My brain stayed entertained and I only zoned out a few times! Great stuff. I don’t think I’ve been gaslit, but I do regularly question my memories. Thanks for making this video, I didn’t realize we were more susceptible to this.
So odd that you’ve uploaded this at a moment I needed it the most… Heard the term before but never really understood, until you’ve explained it in a way that has made me realise that I think I’ve been a victim of it for a long time. I recently got my diagnosis but I’m struggling with the realisation that actually not many people I tell seem to care or I end up getting gaslighted as a response… I live in France where unfortunately it’s not very understood among the general population. Thanks for this video ❤️🙏🏼
Yes. Yes. Yes. I always doubt everything I think and I always believe in what others tell me. Not because of childhood trauma, but I can't trust my memories, not anymore. So sad. I always feel like I'll never know myself, only what other people say of me and I'm working on that.
This hits me in the gut. I thought my whole marriage that everything wrong in our was my fault. Every time I brought valid points, my wife would be dismiss them almost exactly as you described. Now I’m about to go thru divorce and it’s very hard to stand my ground because of this. Thankfully I do have help and this channel. Thank you very very much
Thank you for talking about this! *warning for sad venting… I was diagnosed with adhd and autism at age 30 and I was unfortunately stuck in relationships with lots of manipulative behavior against me my whole life. Just like you talked about, it’s hard for people with autism to know what boundaries are normal and when someone is abusive or just being honest and straight forward to you. I realize now that they used my cluelessness to make me do lots of things for them that I didn’t want to do and they fooled me into thinking I was a bad friend/girlfriend when I tried to say no. Well, better learn late than never. Hopefully someone can see though this bad behavior of someone in their life thanks to this video and get out of those relationships earlier before they get as traumatized as me. I can only hang out with my partner now, I have too much trust issue after having no normal friendships or love relationships before this one. My therapist says I don’t have to force myself to have friends if I don’t have any wish for it, but I don’t feel normal..
You can move back into more relationships and trust a little at a time. Try structured activities first with little conversation. MOVIES are perfect for that. You share space but talking is limited. Same thing for concerts. You can ask your partner to be sure to limit the after event conversation to 10 or 15 minutes to start so that you frustration and anxiety are not stretched to the breaking point. Let your partner go without you sometimes. See how it goes. Eventually after some successful outings with the same couples or individuals you might be open to twenty minutes. But always talk with your partner at home later about how it felt, was fifteen minutes too much ? Just right? AND KEEP A DIARY of how it felt, what you told your partner, who was there. Even what the conversation was about. Which topics were comfortable for you? Which felt awkward? It will give you tips on topics to bring up on future outings. Even jot those down. Between times you might add to the list of topics you might want to try.
Fortunately, I have an excellent long-term memory and have become self aware and perceptive to gaslighting. My big downfall is not being capable of standing up for myself in relationships with an employer for fear of what inevitably always happens (me being fired) I’m fed up with life
Thank you for this video! It addresses a thought I had about gaslighting. I recently broke up with a narcissist. As narcissists feast on your vulnerabilities, I too think it’s harder for ADHD people to notice gaslighting. It took quite some time until I noticed inconsistencies and then had some proof or rather was really sure about something. At some point there was a situation where I really KNEW what she said 5 seconds ago. That there was no ‘not’ in the sentence that was hurting me badly, like she said. And then it hit me: How many situations were there before where I was really not misremembering? Where I was wasn’t getting loud although she said so for example. With narcissists you get at least the feeling something is off, and it’s easy to dismiss that and blame your ADHD. At least the ‘I am sure!’ situation gave me a confidence boost for my point of views. But how many situations were there in which I didn’t even notice anything was off? I just have a vague idea because of the arguments where I asked the same questions 5 times and got 7 different excuses. Excuse: Different perspectives of the same answer or that she’s brainstorming reasons because I was never satisfied with the answer. No, I am just calling you out for your lies and made up excuses! Of course she often said how hard it was was to deal with me and that I was an additional child for her. No, it’s not that I am hard to live with, it’s you being evil, lying straight to my face, messing with me and holding me down (and hostage)!
Thank you so much for doing this. As a survivor of DA and Narcissistic abuse, learning to see gaslighting and heal my memories of it has been a massive deal. I wish it was more widely known in our society. Thank you for making this more visible!!
It’s worth pointing out that this can accidentally happen in relationships with someone on the spectrum. They are literally perceiving reality in a way that is different and does not include details other people see easily-so a person with ADHD might believe they are just wrong instead of that they are checking in with someone has a poor grasp of things like the emotions and social cues in a room. Especially if it’s an undiagnosed or mild case. We need to just learn to be confident in our own perceptions as valid so it doesn’t matter if anyone around us is off, on purpose or not.
Hey Jess- I wanted to let you know that I’m a therapist and I use your videos all the time with my clients. Old, young, ADHD, non-ADHD. You’ve been such a great tool for not only me as an ADHD-er but also me as a mental health clinician. Thanks 😊
Thanks! I swear... honestly, YOU'RE THE BEST! Thank you, for all that you are doing to raise awareness, so that firstly, people can find out if they have add/adhd in the first place, and then if they think they do, they can seek professional help, or teaching and helping others about their condition, and how to cope with things. You're a sweetheart with an awesome, chirpy personality, giving adhder's and the people who care about them, hope, may I add! 🌟😀💕
A lot of people are asking if they are accidentally gaslighting others. Gaslighting doesn't require an intent to make someone feel "crazy" or gaslight them, but *it does require an intent to manipulate.* It is emotional abuse. Often, gaslighters target people who have low self esteem and are quick to doubt themselves ("wait -- am I the problem?) That said, it can *feel* like gaslighting even if it's not. And this can be common in neurodiverse relationships. Someone might feel as if they are being gaslit by an autistic partner, for example -- but this article explains how it's different (and why it still matters): www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-it-still-gaslighting-if-my-partner-has-aspergers-0311194#:~:text=The%20fact%20is%20that%20I,be%20if%20intent%20were%20there.
What does intent to manipulate feel like or what are some thoughts that will indicate that is what is bring attempted instead of just trying to reconcile or communicate also how do you dispel delusions that demand you have x or lose y like you get this if x happens or lose y if you don't. Help me please
@@EnglishAaron That's a complicated question, and a good thing to talk to a mental health professional about if possible. One possible question to ask is, are you trying to control or destroy their perspective (usually by convincing them of something you know isn't true), or are you trying to make yours heard.
@@HowtoADHD I wanted an outcome and thought I just couldn't explain things properly and everytime I felt like I was getting closer I'd be shot down and the topic changed, all I had to do was accept the decision but wanted to accept it knowing that they understood where I came from not without them knowing or not understanding why 100 percent I was being dismissed because nobody would explain to me the reasoning for why they chose to do what they did nobody who knew me for years thought it was worth it
I had several Family members and Friends do this to me throughout my entire life. It took the better part of 4 decades to Feel and Believe that My Self-Worth is not theirs...it is mine. The fact they are angry bc I pointed out something obvious and reacted by causing me to DOUBT MYSELF over the Formative Years of My Life... I have come a LONG way the past 5 months...that was when I finally had my Self-Worth Epiphany. Since then...it is shocking to me How Often Someone's Self-Worth is the Cause of the Reaction and Behavior. Others Reactions RARELY involve anything You have done!
I experienced this for a year in my last relationship and seeing this today brought me to tears. I appreciate all of your videos, they are wonderful. Thank you.
The best way to respond is “we see things differently”. Distance yourself from these people and set rock solid boundaries. Record conversations if you need to
Prone to doing it and vulnerable to it, too. Not remembering things is bad for all involved. ☹️ (No, not deliberately gas lighting people but I'll fervently argue that something didn't happen... then find out later that it did 😩)
Sometimes I don't know if it's a real memory or dream I had. I'm blessed with a loving family that cares for me truly and they help me a lot when I'm confused.
Thank you for this video! I needed it. It feels so good to know that you are not crazy or alone. People do not understand how this type of abuse bleeds in to every other avenue of your life. No one should have to question reality constantly... It's like holding a birds wing and then demanding to know why it can't fly.
I went through years of this, so I'm very sensitive to being accused of gaslighting (which is a popular thing these days). Being afraid to disagree with the people around you is a sign that your social circle is toxic.
One of the biggest milestones my wife and I reached was identifying the difference between "I don't remember it that way," and "You're wrong, and/or, that never happened." We both took the former as the latter and once we realised that it wasn't, our arguments toned down significantly.
I broke up with my partner a week ago. I was just so tired of apologizing. This video helped me remember why I need to stay far away. Thank you. Couldn’t have been better timed. Trending in the right direction 👍🏻☮️💚
I’m an adult who was only very recently diagnosed with ADHD and on my ongoing process of healing and recovery, I had to come to terms with realizing that I had actually suffered from gaslighting from people taking advantage of my tendency to people-please out of my inclination towards wanting to do good. It was harder as I was already suffering from my own issues I didn’t know how to fully cope with that I, with both grief and relief, realize as challenges from having ADHD (and some related co-morbidities). It is challenging but I am grateful for so much support and help I will no longer hesitate to work with out of strong feelings of shame and regret out of it in my life. What I didn’t realize then but now acknowledge is that in these cases, those manipulators would disregard my own feelings and did not respect my own person, just wanting to use me for either emotional fulfillment, material resources, or my own skillsets for their own ends without equal measure, like I had been scammed out of a healthy relationship and may not get closure for. It’s not healthy to be made to doubt yourself so much that you end up fueling more self-destructive behaviors to compensate for the sense of “not enough” or from pain of rejection from this, especially when you had previously built a relationship on good will. Thankfully, with the genuine love my true friends and family have shown me, they have helped me completely get out of these dangerous situations. I hope though, that with time, therapy, continued collaborative care with my psychiatrist and support systems, healthier habits and choices henceforth with more mindfulness, I can make peace with this and also use my experiences and skills to avoid perpetuating this cycle and also recognize it when it might happen again. Just wanted to get my thoughts out there, thank you so much for this video! Your channel has been helpful on this often-misunderstood condition and makes me feel like I’m never truly alone despite what my own perception of my experiences tell me.
Omg! That begining bit! I was once playing a game where u have to deduct who the bad people in the group are. And I was somehow confused into thinking I'd done the wrong card instead of actually finding one of the bad people. Was hilarious though in this situation
Oh dear, this really hit home. I managed to get out of a relationship where I was gaslit heavily, and it really messed up my brain in terms of being able to trust my self perception and how I see the world around me. I’m in therapy to work through this, and my therapist confirmed that neurodivergent folk are often more susceptible to this form of emotional and mental abuse. It was such an important step in my recovery to learn that I’m not crazy, overreacting or simply plain stupid.
I like how the text (in 0:51 ) is made. With all the symboles and the timing it tickles my brain in the right places so it is easy to get. Normaly i have problems understanding long centences in english because it isn't my first language. Thank you for this Video. It is a realy important topic. I understod how gaslighting works 2 jears ago and it changed my life completly (for the better).
I can't describe how glad I am to have found your channel. Or all the reasons why. Domestic abuse survivor, that's me, struggling and I don't know why, also me. Procrastinator, me. Loser of important things, also me. Forgetter of dates, misser of deadlines because I can't plan to save my life, the daydreaming, socially unsophisticated, emotionally dysregulated, all the things. This explains a lot of my behavior. A lot. I'm getting more information. And my therapist is in trouble.
Wish I saw this with my ex in highschool. 8 months of separating me from my family and friends and believing I was a terrible person for tiny things. 4 years of pain later I'm me again.
Yep. So much of this. I remember the first time someone pointed out to me that I was being gaslit by my ex when I finally opened up about everything that had been going on. I knew deep down that all of it felt wrong, but I didn't actually know what was going on until my friend literally said "that's gaslighting." All of a sudden it was this big "aha!" moment and like anyone, I pretty much vowed to never let that happen again to me. Buuuut that's always easier said than done and sometimes leads to the opposite where I've added to my already existing trust issues... The biggest distinction that has helped me when dealing with anything "toxic" related is to understand that maybe it's not intentional/maybe it's not actually "toxic," but it's toxic for ME. Maybe someone else would be fine with that behavior, but I'M not cause ____, ____, and ____. And that's ok. We just aren't compatible. I do also believe that some people are just incompatible in the sense that they bring out each other's "toxic" traits. So regardless, distance and ending things is key. A relationship should never make you question your sanity or act in a way that "isn't you." Period.
Thank you I had a bad day today Not really related to Gaslighting, but a person asked me to just not be "so sensitive" I was unable to mask my stimming because of my bad day and they took it as "sensetive"
Sensitivity is a strength that comes with drawbacks some people don't properly appreciate. Sure sucks when someone will tell someone else to not be sensitive knowing that it will surely hurt them. It's mean.
I spent a year living with some of my close friends and this nailed my experience living with them. They minimized my grievances towards them while maximizing theirs to me. Made me question my own motives and made me think something was fundamentally wrong with me because I wasn’t able to pick up on their rules that ended up being double standards. They definitely framed things as them trying to help me be better with relationships. They constantly would get mad at if I tried to uphold any sort of boundaries. Even just trying to avoid them would get me accused of being a bad friend. It didn’t help that the place we lived was fairly isolated too. Once I started talking to other friends online, it helped me see just how much I was manipulated. I still low key expect people to blow up on me if I’m any less than perfect, but I’m working on that. But if anything helped me, it was having others to vent to and provide affirmation that you’re not in fact insane or broken.
Weirdly perfectly timed video. I just broke off a friendship because he was gaslighting more and more frequently. I was always wrong, I was never doing enough etc. I only just came to the conclusion about it happening the other day when they gaslit so obviously it would be almost impossible to miss.
thank you for this validation. I left a 3 year gaslighting relationship almost a year ago and it's been a really rough recovery. but I finally found an ACTUALLY good person to be in a healthy relationship with. and a support system that I tell literally everything to make sure I'm not being abused.
Thank you 💖. This has helped me put everything into place. I just realized recently that I've got ADHD and I am leaning more about myself and why I do certain things. Thank you
I cannot even begin to describe what this video means to me. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for years. Now, my boyfriend (who is not abusive) tells me when he notices OTHER people taking advantage of me, points out kindly that I’m still autistic, still naive, and still don’t recognize it when people are mistreating me… and I am so grateful to him for that. Though, it did take a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that HE is not manipulating me when he tells me I misremember something. He’s helping me. Ugh, the damage done feels permanent sometimes!
Ever since I confided in my parent about my trauma / ADHD related memory issues, anytime I disagree with their version of events or try to address a way they hurt me, they remind me of my memory issues and assert that their memory of it is correct. It's really hurtful because while I am willing to consider that I may have remembered something incorrectly, they aren't willing to consider the same for themselves even though they also claim to have memory problems.
I get you Just Rachel. Sometimes people around you can appreciate that YOU might remember something incorrectly but heaven forbid you should say that THEY might remember something incorrectly as well sometimes. It can be very frustrating.
Yeah, this is a two way street though. I’ve found that I was gaslit by my ADHD partner because instead of admitting to his faulty memory he would insist that I’m the one misremembering it. His rejection sensitivity also caused him to have a skewed perception of me, and he often misinterpreted events and reactions because he is hyper-vigilant about being rejected. So for a good part of the relationship I thought I was a horrible person who was constantly hurting him, when he was the one with a disproportionate reaction.
Kinda sucks to know that this video is relatable for me but it’s nice to know ADHD is getting more acknowledged these days. I’ve always hated being told what I was feeling or not feeling, dealt with it all my life.
My ex used to do this a LOT and it was AWFUL. There are many reasons they're my ex now but that was one of the biggest, any time we had confrontations or arguments they would tell me I didn't feel things I did, or that I felt things I didn't, and wouldn't listen to me when I said they were wrong.
the question is a two-edged knife. some ADHD also use their needs to become a gaslighter, or their frailty to claim being gaslighted... that's another part of gaslighting... claiming to be a victim of it when it is not, usually break the confidence inside a relation, because the partner have to do both jobs of safeproofing everything that is said or done. it's not only related to ADHD, anybody can use this behavior in specific situations... like in debates, in a couple fight, or just while playing... everything depend on the reason and the level of impact that the lighting occurs. Also, similar behaviors can be used to resolve a situation without tail or head when someone claim to be a victim and we can not show any evidence of it... "it's not your fault, but it would be better to move on rather than focus on this element"... does not always mean that "you see ghosts"... and sometimes, the "victim" shows that refusal instead of accepting responsibilities when there are. "you're always on my back, you always refuse my arguments, you never accept my version of the thing"... does not always tell that the person is a victim... sometimes it is also that person who refuse to see its own errors or refuse to accept its role in the situation. That also is hard to manage in a relation...
This feels like my relationship with my mom almost to a T. I say “almost” because I highly doubt my mom does it on purpose (or most of the time)- she just thinks she’s right about everything, therefore assuming I’m wrong. Regardless, that has made me assume that I’m always wrong and I doubt pretty much everything I remember. Especially since I know my memory is spotty because I’m not attentive to everything, but am on certain things, so I never know what’s right or what’s not. My mom doubts a lot of what I claim because of this. Very confusing and frustrating.
I had an extremely emotional response to just seeing the thumbnail of this video. I'm not in an abusive situation anymore but this was extremely validating for me looking back.
I needed this 💖 I let someone emotionally abuse and gaslight me for around 7 years :( because I loved them (or thought I did) and kept thinking "what can I do to be better? How can I fix this?" 💔 They convinced others I was crazy because they'd do or say things to cause my emotions to flare right up. They warned me to be careful of my best friend because "there's something not quite right about them. Don't trust them". They told me I was crazy and everything was my fault. They'd sometimes punish me by disappearing and cutting all contact for days or weeks, or block my number and social media. I didn't know then that I had ADHD. But I really wish I had. I might have been able to break free sooner. But I'm also glad I'm in a better place now and will not take that crap from anyone once I recognise it. Thank you Jessica ❤️
My boss would literally tell me I wasnt remembering things correctly and try to take advantage of my ADD. It got so bad that I then started to record the meetings on GoToMeeting. She then continued to say I wasnt remembering things correctly and try to submit to HR that I was doing my job poorly. Then when I shared the recordings to her and HR that “i was not remembering things Incorrectly AND indeed was correct” she pulled me from projects and tried to make my position no longer needed by eliminating my work. She was trying to get me fired for my disability. I had set up a strong support structure to do my job very well despite my ADD and she did everything to tear me down. She very much new I had ADD. Needless to say I left that job.
Thank you for this. My wife has recently shown me that I do this to her as a way to win disagreements we have. I have been working with a therapist on my ADHD, depression, anxiety, and trouble with relationships, ... for the last year. It has come to my realization that my parents did this to me as I was growing up and now I do it without even thinking about it. I was tested and diagnosed with ADHD as a child but my parents chose not to treat it, and conversely treat me like my three brothers who are not neurodiverse. Gaslighting is a powerful weapon and whether it is intentional or not can severely harm someone.
Man, the timing of this video coming up on my feed is not coincidental. Having grown up under a textbook narcissistic gaslighter, my sibling and I have become desensitized to it. Always having to reset, and play along even though we KNOW and can FEEL the wrongness of the inconsistencies. Yet, our rejection sensitivity and emotional dysregulation causes us to constantly overthink our sense of self and if we really are as toxic and damaging as gaslighters have convinced us of. It transfers over to your relationships and interactions with people. It has caused us to endure more emotional abuse than we actually deserve by basic human rights. And then once we come to realize and trust our intuition, since our hightened sensitivity never goes away, even if we realize we arent the gaslighters we still feel like the main problem fir being gullible and easily manipulated.. which then goes into the rabbit hole of feeling like maybe we are weak, unintelligent, frantic, and reckless. Thank you for this video. As somebody who has struggled with diagnosed ADHD since 12 years old, somehow it never actually gets easier. But recognizing and awareness like this helps us to better navigate for the sake of our wellness to be in tact thru and til the end.
I don’t want to admit this because it’s my own family but in my child hood which I’m in high school now, my own sisters always told me that I’m being emotional and I didn’t even know it was gaslighting, something I also didn’t realize was ever since those memories I was always intimidated, scared, frightened, annoyed, mad and closed off of my own two sisters And my sisters and I are really close together and still are But I admit that I am very vulnerable to gaslighting which Already is apart of my life.
@@Seasonal-Shadow_4674 you were allowed to choose your friends? I usually heard from the teacher, who I'm friends with when they asked, why I don't spend time with them in recess. Or when we were supposed to do teamwork in class.
I’m so glad that you made this video! I’ve been wondering about this, as we tend to be forgetful. I was gaslighted and wondered if I was more susceptible because of undiagnosed adhd.
I used to insist on remembering things right before (obnoxiously), but once I realized I have a bad memory with my brain having a tendency to make up things to fit the situation, I've just felt lost. I find myself constantly saying "maybe you're right", find it harder to say my opinion and I'm always discouraged by how wrong I am. It's good I'm not so obnoxious anymore but it's really impacted my self-confidence.
What about the inverse - ADHD/ASDers being more prone to (perhaps even unintentionally) gaslighting others? I feel like I do this sometimes...where I perceive or remember something differently from someone else (particularly things that I have said where I may not have articulated my thoughts as intended) and take a hard stance on the issue. It feels wrong to me to tell someone that they 'heard me wrong' or 'misunderstood' what I was saying, even when I legitimately think that is what happened.
This is an interesting question…after being gaslit I was in a relationship with someone who is autistic & it felt a lot the same sometimes. The difference was, in actual gaslighting it’s about control. Controlling the other person’s perspective and convincing them of things you want them to believe even when you know it’s not true. With my autistic bf, it was genuinely his perspective - it was just very different from mine, because his brain worked very differently from mine.
That said, we had to create a rule that we don’t ever lie to each other. Because if I’m going to override my internal sensors that what he’s saying isn’t true because it doesn’t match my understanding of reality, I need to know for sure that it’s safe to do that. So even about little things, no lies.
I was just on the phone with my mom the other day and we made a realization that people always try to gaslight me. I was jokingly like guess I'm an easy target without even putting the two together. Thanks for the amazing and informative videos!
Those are good examples. I just wanna point out that a lot of gaslighting is non-verbal. It's even harder to point out and harder to break away from and retrain your brain into a healthy trust of its perception.
I can never trust my own thoughts. Between transference, oppositional defiance, and just general social obliviousness, I can't ever really be sure what I am upset about or why. I have to constantly question every thought to avoid gaslighting myself.
I've been gaslit so much throughout my life and a lot of it worked purely because I have terrible (emotional) memory and if someone told me I did/said xyz, I oftentimes had no way of knowing whether I did or didn't. This is a really helpful video, thank you!
do you think that some people with ADHD may be perceived to gaslight others? gaslighting requires intention, but we might accidentally manipulate others because we actually dont remember what happened. it sucks.
Been through this too much. Thank you for helping me understand why i am the way i am. Im undiagnosed but 100% certain i have adhd. Every one of your videos has connected with me so much
I’m curious what everyone’s thoughts are, on how you differentiate between seeming overlap or grey areas between: . deliberate gaslighting, for malignant motives . not necessarily a malignant person, but actions or behavior resemble gaslighting and are damaging nonetheless . motives unknown, e.g. a stranger, proposing their view in addition to ours . someone otherwise “well-intentioned”, making a mis-step in a “read the room” kind of way . complete ignorance. All of these can hurt. But I wonder where one draws the line, where one villainizes the alleged perpetrator and allows no-filters on dehumanizing language - as opposed to giving benefit of the doubt and/or resolving to simply put a lot of distance between you and them. As a recovering victim of narcissistic abuse, I find this distinction tricky but essential.
TALK to them, tell them I WANT to give you the benefit of the doubt BUT. In private ONCE. With a witness (or two including Human Resources if it is at work) the second and third times. Then if possible spend less time with them then cut them off if needed. I am seriously too old to give more than that amount of time to people who do not understand that much learning curve. Be specific. Tell them how it made you feel. Tell them what you EXPECT to see change. CALL them on it in the MIDDLE of a sentence WHEN it happens again. ASSERT yourself. If they cannot change or choose not to (it no longer matters which at that point you are not their mother I hope) you do not need to keep putting up with it.
Oh boy does this hit close to home. Gaslighting is devastating when combined with our emotional dysregulation. I've been in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships, and it still affects my confidence to this day. Sometimes I even wonder if _I'm_ emotionally abusive. Therapy has helped in some respects, but it's still a huge burden for me.
Especially because when we get frustrated, we can blow up, or lash out, then it's "Why are you yelling? Stop screaming, you're overreacting! You're acting ridiculous, you have an anger problem!"
This is so validating to read. I'm sorry you go through this too, but I'm relieved I'm not the only one. I was with an abusive narcissist and I almost always worry that I'm abusive now 😭 it's awful!!
Yeah, it sucks.
That experience sounds stressful
I had one of my supervisor do this all the time to me. Man, that was the worst
Diaries that are very hidden and very secret help remember events parents or "friends" may try to turn around. Keep them!!! It helped me finally confront my mother.
Commenting to get mor attention to this because it is a good idea.
I started a diary a few days ago for this reason and to help get things out of the tangled mess that is my brain. Already I'm seeing strings of thoughts clearer. Definitely recommend.
I kept them on online communities in private subforums that you had to take a personality quiz to get sorted into.
This is so so so important! I haven't ever kept a diary and my family convinced me that everything I thought in my childhood were beliefs I never even had. I had to go through old messages to loved ones to prove to myself that any of those thoughts actually happened.
Keeping a diary of my thoughts and concerns about things that happened with my ex is how I managed to get out of my abusive relationship. I saw red flags early on (which he explained away perfectly) and wrote a letter to my future self that if he does X Y or Z again.. to GET OUT, NO MATTER WHAT. and I realized those things had happened, multiple times, but rationalized it away as one-time things.
So I took my own advice and I got out, finally.
My ex did this all the time. It got so bad that I started recording what was said in conversations. It was very much like the movie. I literally thought I was losing my mind. I still gaslight myself as a result of years of that abuse. Having ADHD and trauma made is so much worse.
Yep, my ex gas lit me for years until I finally started recording our conversations and realized I wasn't crazy.
Im sorry
Wow, that's horrible. I'm glad you were able to get out of that relationship and I hope you find, and can trust, someone new.
It's so hard to trust after experiencing that!! Anyone have any master tips? 😅
I try to pay close attention to my boundaries now. Because I am prone to cross them either because there is a trigger that sets off action or because I don’t trust my own judgement.
But self trust is the start. I try to take my gut feeling seriously and act upon it.
ive always said that my ADHD makes me gullible to the point of absurdity. as it turns out ive just been gaslit my whole life so i believe everything everyone tells me, since “i must be wrong” and “why would they lie?” 😬
same. I swear ppl telling lies makes no sense to me that I don't even usually consider it 😭
Yes, me too. I'm very gullible, believe most things people say at face value, and question myself all the time. I wonder if I'm being manipulated often because I'm very open and honest and people will use that against me, causing those gullible feelings, insecurity, and a little paranoia. I don't lie BECAUSE I don't have a good memory and I try to be a good person that people can be open around... I feel like eventually other people will figure that out and learn I can be trusted while there are those that can't be, so I just march on...
same
it exhausts me as my brain (with the help of Aspergers) will go through every single conceivable permutation so I can be 100% sure what they said was wrong before I confront them .... because like you say "why would they lie" and for me also, "but they must have checked that's right" ... normies talking is like taking a bath in poison often.
Yeah same. I litterally can Not lie, so I never expect it from others.. 😅
"There's a difference between understandable and acceptable."
I have to repeat this to myself a lot
@@HowtoADHD Thank you for sharing it with us.
It's easier to keep these short phrases in mind, when trying to remind yourself of these things. Easier to repeat.
Like, "done is better than perfect." Concise and easy to play/loop when the reminder is needed.
@@HowtoADHD hello sweetheart
This is a really difficult topic. I think back to some incidents of gaslighting that I know were deliberate, and then there are times when I'm like, "but maybe that person was just mistaken? Or I was mistaken?"
I did have an epiphany when I realised that if a relationship with another person feels confusing, exhausting, and I want someone to reassure me that it's not "just me" then I don't actually *have* to figure out if it's deliberately gaslighting or not. I can end the relationship (romantic, platonic, etc) simply because it makes me unhappy. Or I can put in boundaries to protect myself.
People pleasing for survival can become a habit while you have no other choice, and be hard to break when you do. We don't have to prove to anyone else that a relationship is bad for us. We need to listen to ourselves.
Yes!!! Exactly! It stinks that many of us will learn this the hard way first (maybe a few times) but once you actually start putting down firm boundaries with people in your life, it becomes easier to use the word “no”, and that’s the first step to breaking the people pleasing chain! It’s always easier said than done, but is super empowering once you start… And if anyone tries to make you feel guilty for having boundaries, they are likely not really in your corner to begin with… I loved your point about not having to understand their intentions too, that is so true!
Exactly, That can be difficult if it happens at work.
@@ktwhimsy6946 I asked my late best friend how she stayed sane in the midst of all the demands on her, and her answer was "Boundaries."
Awesome post. You articulated something very complicated in such a simple way .
Omg I feel like I could have written this. I stayed so long trying to "figure it out" when I should have just left.
“If it’s hurting you, it’s hurting you.” Wow I needed this today, right now actually. Thank you for teaching me the language I didn’t know I needed to understand why I left a doctors appointment crying. My psychiatrist just blocked, diverted, and trivialized my symptoms and experiences. As an ADHDer, I doubt my symptoms and experiences all the time and rely on the expertise of medical professionals to help me understand myself and what I need. But man that self-doubt only gets worse the minute a doctor gaslights you and makes it so much harder to advocate for yourself.
Now try dealing with the ENTIRE VA doing it. I genuinely am surprised MORE of us don't commit suicide in the parking lots. Only really good thing Obama ever did, suicide prevention hotline for VETS and they have to tell you the number every time you call.
I think the medical profession is RIFE with gaslighters ! As is the world.
It is your body. It is your mind. It is your soul.
Screw anyone that tries to mess with you.
Bring an adult is often learning to stomp on the toes of those who have been stepping on YOUR toes for years. Screw that. Get angry.
Go no contact with those you realize will never change. It's not your job to be a "long suffering Saint" ! Screw that !
That’s so true! I’m glad you can recognize it and I hope you find a better doctor!!
I kept a therapist for over a year that would trivialize or dismiss my feelings and criticize the choices I’d make. I started to hate my sessions, but I blamed it on myself for… I don’t know, being bad at therapy. She would often tell me that I’m overly sensitive, so I assumed that I hated the therapy because I was just being “too sensitive”. 😕
@@leilatimeful I would report them. They are supposed to SUPPORT you, not make you WORSE ! Next person might commit suicide due to their gas lighting !
😢 and 🤬! And *hugs*. You are not alone... I know that statement, "you are not alone" is so overused and often not helpful when you're going through it. It's only words written by some random person on the internet.
I also want you to know (in case you've never heard it OR in case you need to hear it AGAIN): Healthcare is broken. Absolutely broken. Especially when it comes to ADHD.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN we deserve to have our concerns just dismissed. It does NOT mean we're crazy. It does NOT mean we're drug seeking. It does NOT mean we're "lazy" and looking for an "excuse". It does NOT mean there's something wrong with us and our value AS HUMAN BEINGS.
These are my thoughts/opinions/observations. Most of the time it's the system because so few providers (even psychiatrists!) have a good education on ADHD and still have a lot of misconceptions and biases based on outdated information and/or they're so overburdened and given such little time with each patient that the only way to manage the load is if they're a hammer and they *perceive* everything to be a nail ...... Most want to do right by the patient...some ARE giving their patients excellent care, some are just doing the best they can with what they have, and some just don't know what they don't know.... That's what I like to tell myself anyways... Because I know there's arrogant docs/providers out there who aren't interested in even entertaining ADHD as a diagnosis, especially if the patient's neatly fit into the (arbitrary/random/stereotyped) confines of the DSM criteria. If they're in psychiatry or primary care, they're in the wrong specialty.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but:
It isn’t “not a big deal”, it IS a big deal for you. You wouldn’t feel that way if it didn’t matter to you.
Don’t let someone tell you that you’re “too sensitive”, you’re feelings are valid, and never feel bad for how something makes you feel.
very much needed, thank you
I got frusrated having this ADHD , but with the use of dr imenherbal on TH-cam herbal remedy , i have been able to get rid of ADHD th-cam.com/channels/1PVLGWeT3a6Cto-kOD9IfQ.html
thanks, gosh, my sister told me that once a little bit ago, it is a big deal, I'm not a bad person because I'm sensitive. and yet I couldn't even tell her that-i ahve this immense fear of conversations with people who aren't like minded because my family doesn't understand nor do they do anything but weakly try to for a few minutes and give up because they are annoyed I'm so ahrd to talk to when it's really their fault in the first place
That's what a bully's battalion of enablers once told me when I complained about the bully's bullying behavior.
@@NIGHTBLOODUSAGIomg this is exactly how I feel!!! I feel like they’re so annoyed they have to try and understand me that they rather just blame me for everything instead of actually listening without huffing and rolling their eyes so hard I feel like the largest burden and a bad person for having different needs and so now they have to walk on egg shells and I’m just rsd and they get mad at me for feeling like a burden saying that’s what makes them feel burdened and I just can’t ever seem to get it right and idk what to do!!
I actually was diagnosed with ADHD right around the same time that my emotionally abusive 6 year relationship was getting really, really bad (what I would later find out was the discard phase) - the whole reason I went to therapy is because I thought I was literally losing my mind. The word gaslighting was not even in my vocabulary until my ex accused me of gaslighting *him*, so I googled it and oh boy 😳 it led to TONS of info/videos about emotional abuse, narcissism, etc. and I finally understood what I was dealing with. Makes me get choked up just thinking about what an exhausting, confusing and heart breaking time that was
if you want to know what a narc is guilty of just listen to what they accuse innocent people of doing.
@@Plethorality exactly!! Wish I had known that at the time - I always thought it was so strange that he didn’t trust me, always thought I was trying to get with other men… even putting on mascara before going to the grocery store would launch a full blown interrogation!
Goodness, this hits hard.
When I was in middle school, I made an online friend who was incredibly manipulative (we'll call her Bre) and often tried to get me to agree with her on things I thought were wrong. She would often ignore me after an argument in order to get me to beg for her attention so we could talk it out. Hell, at one point, she even tried to convince me I was gay when I mentioned how pretty a female character was. If I remember correctly, she even tried to push me to do NSFW roleplays with her on Hangouts...
At that time, I wasn't diagnosed with ADD and I was already a pretty sensitive kid. The only people I had to help me get out of that toxic relationship were two other online friends and my mom. Bre would often try to get me to stop talking to those other friends and convince me that my mom was a "bad parent" for trying to get me to go outside and do activities around the house.
This "friendship" lasted all the way until the middle of my freshman year of high school. I had an emotional breakdown in the middle of the cafeteria because she was guilt tripping me into thinking I was a terrible friend for forgetting her birthday when she already knew I was bad with dates...
Bre's influence in my developmental years still affects me to this day. And that really sucks, but I'm slowly getting better. If you've read this far, thanks for reading my sob story and be careful out there! Nice is different than good.
Avoid people who manipulate you. If it happens even TWICE online, friends especially are easy to block and avoid. Never let it get that far again.
@@suzannehartmann946 I plan not to. I'm still learning how to sus out more sneaky manipulative behavior, but I've definitely learned my lesson.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. A true friend wouldn't want you to stop having other friends, and a true friend, will never say or make you feel like you're a bad friend. I can imagine it's still with you to this day, things like this really stick.. I really do hope it get's a little better everyday 😘
@@SlothDaan Thank you for the kind wishes! I can't say I'm glad that it happened to me, but it at least taught me what manipulative behavior looked like, so I could have a more precise people radar. I am, thankfully, with much better people now! Both online and offline 😊
I am so sorry this happened to you. :( I can't even imagine having a friend that close to me manipulating me to such a degree. I have had similar "friends" manipulate me or make me feel like I'm losing my mind. The people pleaser in me starts to lose it when conflict pops up over it and I kind of have a little panic attack. Hang in there and keep being your awesome self! If someone is making you feel bad, that is on them, not you (something I have to tell myself sometimes) and it's okay to cut off friendships to protect your own mental health. Have a great day!
Gas lightening is a classic narcissistic type of control 😔 So thankful one of my dear ADHD brains has fought back and has gotten herself and her 4 babies safe and has mostly stopped questioning herself and decisions. She’s feeling quite empowered!
Try "egocentric" types, narcissist refers to people with NPD
@@annawesometheflameingpikac3688 right once people learn a word they just run it to the ground
@@rjm809 not to mention the way that "narcissist" has itself been turned into a term of abuse oftentimes. my gaslighters accused me of being narcissistic and it worked, they got into my head and convinced me that I have npd and was 'crazy' (I don't have npd but even if I did it wouldn't warrant the abuse I experienced), and I very frequently see hateful online groups accusing everyone who stands outside of them of being narcissists and lovebombing each other into behaving really manipulatively. I definitely feel like as a society we need to take stock of what that word means and how it is used
It isn't specific to narcissism (something that gets way too much attention on the internet lately, often by people who aren't qualified in psychology). I suspect everyone has gaslit someone at some point in their lives (usually when relatively young and immature.)
@@annawesometheflameingpikac3688Being with NPD often gaslight
Doesn't help when your parent is a narcissist who always turns everything into game w/ a score board, where they're not only the opponent, but the referee, and the inventor of the game
🥺😭 it's always the worst when it's the people who are supposed to care for you. Sending hugs❤
And they can never lose or be wrong. I feel your pain.
I understand this unfortunately all too well. 😬
haha so true
My father is a narcissist but thankfully I don’t have any contact with him anymore.
I've been feeling gaslit by my Dad for a while now. We both have ADHD, I'm 22 male, dropped out of college during COVID after 2 straight-A semesters, tons of potential, now living at home trying to figure out what I wanna do, all that jazz. He doesn't understand what I'm going through because he's learned to just deal with his ADHD, and he's also a workoholic military man. I'm very artsy (while also being very good at math and science), so he thinks I should be able to just deal with it like he does.
It's very frustrating and demoralizing when he gets upset for my failures, on top of myself being upset at myself.
living back at home at 29. It'll get better I promise. I didn't know about my diagnosis. What i'd say is to really get good clarification on your strengths,weaknesses,and values. Plenty of tests online to do this like strengths assessments. Figuring out what you want to do is so important! The reason I'm in this situation is from an emotionally unavailable father, sounds similar to yours. You can do it! Congrats on the straight A's! Don't beat yourself up. You're parents had 18 WHOLE YEARS to help you figure out these things! It's not totally your responsibility! Coaching, therapy, DBT or ADHD coaching covers this but i haven't done them yet.
College was debilitating for me, being undiagnosed at the time. Failures stacked on each other and the stress was crushing, despite starting with all A's the first year and a half I finished with barely C's. Not due to ability to work, but inability to commit and finish, coupled with striving for perfection over completion. Gaslighting parent actually gave up on me, "how long are we supposed to wait [for you to graduate]?" Quite different from my "gifted" and "smart" childhood years. The difference for me was lack of structure and support.
Keep a notebook. What you are comfortable with about yourself. What you like about your Dad. Three goals you have. They do not have to be work related. I prefer a three ring binder. That way I can move the pages around. They are not rigidly in place. Realize your Dad also has ADHD he might not be deliberately gas lighting you like some people would do. He might legitimately be forgetting what he already said or you did. And us old time military also sometimes have PTSD on top of ADHD to deal with, anxiety. So sometimes we are short tempered or avoid topics and other times we might be ok with them. If you keep short notes about when he changes the subject or what he seems to forget you might catch a pattern he is not even aware of himself. I would not recommend "confronting" him with it. If it is PTSD related you could get quite an unexpected back lash. And the workaholic is part of him trying to cope, staying focused. Once he stops he MIGHT feel lost. Getting out of the military with its signals like bugle calls to help him know the time and the task was an adjustment. Maybe suggesting some replacements would make him feel better? Or just make him sour. Your call to try or not. I had the same problem and it took time to realize when computers took over in hospital labs. With no physical slips to cue me in there were pending labs running I got confused and I was not as efficient at my job even started to feel lost when I had to check a screen every few minutes. It was black and white instead of colorful which hit my weaknesses instead of my strengths at the time. I finally gave up and changed careers it was so hard on me. Went into teaching science.
It's okay to not have it figured out. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and chances are you are not gonna be doing the same thing untill you hit your pension. You're gonna go different paths and it's really important to stand still and ask yourself: am I still happy with what I do? Sometimes we're so stuck in a routine, we can't see how unhappy we are. Please take your time and take good care of yourself ❤
@@suzannehartmann946 I should mention that he never saw combat, so PTSD is out of the question. And whatever he's doing that negatively affects me, it's 100% unintentional, which is why I try to have patience and understanding when he does this stuff
"We might trust others' judgment over our own" really resonates. My ex gaslighted me during our breakup, and even though her claims didn't make any sense, I had so little faith in my own memory and had come to rely on her so much that I really doubted myself. It took some counseling for me to realize what was happening.
I’ve been gaslit by my father for so many years that I believed every word he said. I finally had to get away ever since I learned really bad things he’s done in his past. I’m glad that I can start to recognize the difference between abuse and gaslighting and kindness and love
same :D I hope you are doing better and are happy now :)
Was a victim of gaslighting in a relationship. Took me a long time to recover my self esteem. I lost all sense of self after that experience, I wouldn't wish it even upon my worst enemy. My advice is take your time when entering relationships, especially if you have adhd.
I told my therapist about this wonderful channel and she LOVES IT and recommended it to other clients now! You are such a wonderful resource for so many, myself included.
.
Now, this episode really hits home. Lately, I have even worried that my poor memory due to my adhd has been getting worse because someone in my life keeps telling me that I say certain things and when I say “I never said that” they tell me I’m forgetting I say things because of my adhd. It’s been scaring me a lot lately and I don’t know who to believe-me or the other person.
Definitely sounds like something to talk to your therapist about!
Yes, we are vulnerable. I often refer to the gaps in my memory as my ADHD gaslighting myself.
😭😭😭 man I felt that
My mother does this to me and its unbelievable hard to prove it sometimes. I started keeping a journal just to help me remember I was insane. Thank you for making a special episode on this. It IS especially hard for those of us with ADHD it seems. Took me until my 30's to realize what my mother was doing.
I've been gaslit almost my entire life, starting with my mom during my teen years when she would constantly deny my claims of adhd and say I was just depressed/gifted and bored. Then throughout my entire 7 year relationship afterwards, where I've steadily grew to mistrust myself and what I could remember, question my self worth, and even lose a very close and potentially strong friendship that my ex convinced me was wrong for me, and now the friendship well never be the same as it was. I've been to therapy and was "awoken" to all of this and I'm slowly healing on my own. But emotional abuse, especially very consistent abuse of years, is so hard to shake away.
Having bad memory has also led people to accuse me of gaslighting them and also gaslighting the gaslighting… told I’m probably remembering it wrong or wasn’t paying attention.
Yeah that's totally me as well... I don't trust my memory so oftentimes I believe what others tell me so I won't fight for things I eventually end up believing is not reality
Right. How do we know the difference?
@@bethanykibler525 Use a calendar not just to keep track of appointments but to MAKE NOTES of what matters to you. Things people said, events. Happy, sad, frustrating. It amazed me once I started doing that how much easier it is to keep track of things. Including where I put things away. BTW I finally figured out that where I put things AWAY is not where I LOOK for them. SO NOW when I go to put them away I ASK myself, wait, where will
I LOOK for them later and put them there.
This is exactly me as well. I’m often accused of gaslighting but usually I just can’t pay attention or even emotionally understand what’s going on
@@suzannehartmann946 What If you don't know that it will be important though? Something that seems unimportant now might come up later and that's when you wish you remembered it correctly. Or you could easily forget before having a chance to write it down.
As someone with ADHD I was always told I lacked empathy. I worked hard learning to be more empathetic, took classes, read books. The minute an ex would get mad she would immediately jump past everything I learned that because I accidentally overlooked empathy in the past I must not have been able to have it in that moment and it would always turn into no matter what happened that would always be the problem. Because I knew I lacked empathy in the past it was an immediate trigger to make me doubt myself
Oh God. Seeing it spelled out like this made me realize this is what my sister and I have done to mom. Not all the time, but often enough that I feel incredibly guilty. What we thought were 'productive conversations about past wrongs' were actually just me and her forcing our perspective on mom and making her feel terrible about stuff she had no control over. No wonder she felt exhausted after. I have to call her. I have to apologize.
God bless you ❤ You are a good daughter for doing this for her, it will give her peace ❤
I wish my sister would see this video. She came for my 30th birthday and tore me down in a way I didn’t know was still possible.
Great book: Who's Pulling Your Strings by Harriet B Braker. Shows you tons of signs of manipulation and how to set boundaries and be less of a target.
Thank you so much for this. I have autism, adhd, and menstruate. I'm super vulnerable to being gaslit, but on the other hand I have a fear of accidentally gaslighting others. Due to my bad memory I'm sure there are things I have done and said but when it's brought up it's extremely hard for me to believe them and so I might end up gaslighting them instead. I have no idea how to fix this.
I have this too sometimes. When this happens i try to get to a agre-to-disagre point to meet at the midle ground. And move on from this point with the question "what do we do about it now?" to find a solution if needed.
If the other person is also trying to find midle ground and you are bouth looking for a solution - good. If they force their oppinion on you, even thou you try to find the midle ground, and trying to convince you to do what they wannt you to do, they is trying to gaslighting you.
(I hope my english is not to bad, it is not my first language) greetings from a Person with adhd and autism, who amenstruate.
Edit: typo
This is an article about this I found very helpful personally -- www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-it-still-gaslighting-if-my-partner-has-aspergers-0311194#:~:text=The%20fact%20is%20that%20I,be%20if%20intent%20were%20there
@@HowtoADHD thank you so much!
@@HowtoADHD Thanks for a great video taking on this topic. Grateful for what you do on your platform.
Want to mention a psychologist with ADHD, herself.
Dr Stephanie Sarkis has a book about gaslighting for the general reader. On her TH-cam channel she relates how people with ADHD can be low hanging fruit for gaslighters.
Gaslighting, bad, and even good, is a normal human activity.
But, real gaslighters cross a thin line. To where they challenge and break down a victim's sanity and sense of reality. They're toxic people.
The American Psychiatric Association doesn't classify gaslighters as a distinct personality disorder. Because, gaslighters refuse to be seen or treated for their addiction to getting and holding other's attention. Insisting, instead, the whole problem lies with who they target. Claiming a gaslighting victim's a gaslighter is a favorite tactic. Ruining someone's image or reputation is also part of this behavior's toxicity.
So, the American Psychiatric Association I learned, has a dilemma. Abel to label this pathology a disorder, distinct from narcissism. But, still, then, hardly anyone gets treated.
Gaslighters do need a 'narcissistic supply', tho.
A need for personal power over a captive audience dependent on the gaslighter.
I've learned how, nevertheless, clinicians can be aware, being a gaslighter's a distinct personality disorder. Hence, using the term in technical jargon.
Evidence for it, lines up from people hurt by gaslighters, from law enforcement, etc.
More clinical data needs to be studied. Even clinicians need to make each other aware. It seems the psycho-pathology is clearly understood.
But, I recommend Dr Sarkis as a valuable source of information on this subject.
And on Gaslighters, as distinct from people commonly gaslighting.
Actual gaslighters being typically pretty dangerous and insatiable.
@@HowtoADHD some of us no longer menstruate, but are still hormonal.. aint life grand?
It's comforting that many things that make me feel alone, are actually side effects of ADHD that I haven't mentally acknowledged until I watch one of your videos. I didn't realize that my tendency to self isolate, ADHD, and susceptibility to gaslighting are kinda connected.
I want to add that this can go the opposite way too - our bad memory can also lead us to gaslight others because we were not paying enough attention. Take care of yourselves and practice radical honesty whenever possible/safe
I've noticed that I'm very susceptible to manipulation and have been in an abusive relationship before (roommate). I've worried that it was a character flaw that made me gullible. Glad to hear it reconfirmed that it's not my fault that someone else takes advantage. I'm sure if I was outside looking in I'd tell myself that, but I don't always remember to try out that perspective shift with my negative thoughts.
if you can, in those moments, try to think of what you would say to someone else. I have a practice of looking in the mirror as though the reflection is another person and talking to Her with compassion. ✨💝✨
@@MorganBondelid Yeah, I find it helpful to think of a specific friend and think "If this exact situation happened to her, what would I think about it?" Having someone specific to think of really helps me be more kind to myself.
It is ok to have someone genuine to bounce thoughts ideas and perceptions off of who you CAN trust. To catch the gas lighters early and start avoiding them so you don't get manipulated. I hope you have someone like that in your life.
A lot of people misuse the term "gaslighting" since its newfound popularity, but this is a good explanation.
As is the case with so many other minority groups, we are constantly told that our perception, experiences, sense of reality and way of being is wrong. Both on an individual level and a structural, societal level.
I'd wager we are more prone to gaslighting, not cause we're more susceptible by nature, but because we, as a group, are conditioned to, from having our sense of reality continuously be brought into question.
It's the same dynamic as when BIPOC are told that racism doesn't exist, and the racism they experience isn't racism. Or women are told the sexism they experience isn't real. Or trans people that the transphobia they experience is all in their head. Or poor people that classism doesn't exist and that they're in full control of their misfortune. Fat people when they are told that the malicious attacks are 'empathetic concerns about their health'.
It's all gaslighting in a big scale. Gaslighting is all about making someone doubt their own sense of reality, and it becomes much easier to bring someone's sense of reality into question, if someone else has already done the groundwork
🔔🔔🔔💯 THIS 💯🔔🔔🔔
THANK YOU for your words. I need to repeat this daily. I'm saving your comment in my notes. 💐🎁💝🎁💐
Very well said! This is so true… societal gaslighting is a huge problem!
I'd also argue were more prone to being accidental gaslighters. It's not done with malicious intent so I wouldn't call it abusive *problematic and potentially hurtful, yes* but not abusive. An ADHDers penchant for tuning out conversations that don't hold interest or not registering things we've consented to or been asked to do because it occurred during hyper-focus are ALL common place. Thing is, I wouldn't say that makes the ADHDer abusive... unless they refuse to have a discussion about it and try to work with those in their lives to figure out better ways to approach the ADHDer about important stuff. I also fear the term gets overused and therefore diminishes its impact and meaning of the actual acts... much like the way people have trivialized the term narcissist or having bipolar or OCD or even having ADHD. I think too many people forget that gaslighting involves and element of intentional manipulation.
Yes, any time a group is bubbled, whether it's done by the group itself or other people, you can lead to that issue. I personally get frustrated with the police shootings as much by the failure to distinguish between lawful uses of force and unlawful ones. If certain communities can't tell the difference, or refuse to, you get what's happening in places like Seattle where crime is up and there aren't anywhere near enough police to handle it and the community services that were supposed to be taking on some of the burden aren't up to speed yet.
Or, you get communities refusing to cooperate or interact with certain professions, which leads to those professions having limited ability to address things on their end, whether or not they care to.
Ultimately, the only thing that has ever worked in addressing these things if for the aggrieved community to pick what the perception they want of them to be and then to behave accordingly.
@@SmallSpoonBrigade The thing that works is for People With Power to actually care and put money where it matters, to create structures that facilitate compassion and acknowledge our humanity. It's a mistake to put the burden of solving oppression _on the oppressed._
I can't even word how important this video was/is. I have adhd and autism and this is so me! I felt this so hard. Every word!
Hello 👋, how are you doing today; how’s everything going over there 👉 Hope it was a blessed day for you Nehama?
This channel has taught me to love myself. My sister once said "ADHD is just an excuse for being lazy". I was speechless then, I've never confronted her and never will, but I can be more forgiving towards myself.
why not confront your ignorant sister?
Oww, I've been questioning everything lately. "Am I really overreacting?" Thank you for the info, love your channel and your vibes ♥️
Ps: I haven't been diagnosed yet but it seems I do have ADHD for a lot of reasons.
Check out DoctorRamani, she is a clinical psychologist and has a channel dedicated exclusively to narcissism. She speaks about gaslighting too. She helped me a lot.
Get diagnosed. It truly helps.
@@pumpjackpiddlewick I really want to. Here in Colombia, getting psychological attention is expensive and uncommon, though :( 💔
@Diana Sofia Morales
"Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean that they're NOT out to get me."
- Joseph Heller (Catch 22).
😔
@@dianasofiamorales7424 I feel the same way.
Yo, these new graphics are awesome. My brain stayed entertained and I only zoned out a few times! Great stuff.
I don’t think I’ve been gaslit, but I do regularly question my memories. Thanks for making this video, I didn’t realize we were more susceptible to this.
Worked with a Narcissist. The experience changed me and not for the better.
So odd that you’ve uploaded this at a moment I needed it the most… Heard the term before but never really understood, until you’ve explained it in a way that has made me realise that I think I’ve been a victim of it for a long time. I recently got my diagnosis but I’m struggling with the realisation that actually not many people I tell seem to care or I end up getting gaslighted as a response… I live in France where unfortunately it’s not very understood among the general population. Thanks for this video ❤️🙏🏼
Yes. Yes. Yes. I always doubt everything I think and I always believe in what others tell me. Not because of childhood trauma, but I can't trust my memories, not anymore. So sad. I always feel like I'll never know myself, only what other people say of me and I'm working on that.
This hits me in the gut. I thought my whole marriage that everything wrong in our was my fault. Every time I brought valid points, my wife would be dismiss them almost exactly as you described. Now I’m about to go thru divorce and it’s very hard to stand my ground because of this. Thankfully I do have help and this channel. Thank you very very much
Thank you for talking about this! *warning for sad venting…
I was diagnosed with adhd and autism at age 30 and I was unfortunately stuck in relationships with lots of manipulative behavior against me my whole life. Just like you talked about, it’s hard for people with autism to know what boundaries are normal and when someone is abusive or just being honest and straight forward to you. I realize now that they used my cluelessness to make me do lots of things for them that I didn’t want to do and they fooled me into thinking I was a bad friend/girlfriend when I tried to say no. Well, better learn late than never. Hopefully someone can see though this bad behavior of someone in their life thanks to this video and get out of those relationships earlier before they get as traumatized as me. I can only hang out with my partner now, I have too much trust issue after having no normal friendships or love relationships before this one. My therapist says I don’t have to force myself to have friends if I don’t have any wish for it, but I don’t feel normal..
You can move back into more relationships and trust a little at a time. Try structured activities first with little conversation. MOVIES are perfect for that. You share space but talking is limited. Same thing for concerts. You can ask your partner to be sure to limit the after event conversation to 10 or 15 minutes to start so that you frustration and anxiety are not stretched to the breaking point. Let your partner go without you sometimes. See how it goes. Eventually after some successful outings with the same couples or individuals you might be open to twenty minutes. But always talk with your partner at home later about how it felt, was fifteen minutes too much ? Just right? AND KEEP A DIARY of how it felt, what you told your partner, who was there. Even what the conversation was about. Which topics were comfortable for you? Which felt awkward? It will give you tips on topics to bring up on future outings. Even jot those down. Between times you might add to the list of topics you might want to try.
Fortunately, I have an excellent long-term memory and have become self aware and perceptive to gaslighting. My big downfall is not being capable of standing up for myself in relationships with an employer for fear of what inevitably always happens (me being fired) I’m fed up with life
Thank you for this video! It addresses a thought I had about gaslighting.
I recently broke up with a narcissist. As narcissists feast on your vulnerabilities, I too think it’s harder for ADHD people to notice gaslighting. It took quite some time until I noticed inconsistencies and then had some proof or rather was really sure about something. At some point there was a situation where I really KNEW what she said 5 seconds ago. That there was no ‘not’ in the sentence that was hurting me badly, like she said. And then it hit me: How many situations were there before where I was really not misremembering? Where I was wasn’t getting loud although she said so for example. With narcissists you get at least the feeling something is off, and it’s easy to dismiss that and blame your ADHD. At least the ‘I am sure!’ situation gave me a confidence boost for my point of views. But how many situations were there in which I didn’t even notice anything was off? I just have a vague idea because of the arguments where I asked the same questions 5 times and got 7 different excuses. Excuse: Different perspectives of the same answer or that she’s brainstorming reasons because I was never satisfied with the answer. No, I am just calling you out for your lies and made up excuses! Of course she often said how hard it was was to deal with me and that I was an additional child for her. No, it’s not that I am hard to live with, it’s you being evil, lying straight to my face, messing with me and holding me down (and hostage)!
Thank you so much for doing this. As a survivor of DA and Narcissistic abuse, learning to see gaslighting and heal my memories of it has been a massive deal. I wish it was more widely known in our society. Thank you for making this more visible!!
It’s worth pointing out that this can accidentally happen in relationships with someone on the spectrum. They are literally perceiving reality in a way that is different and does not include details other people see easily-so a person with ADHD might believe they are just wrong instead of that they are checking in with someone has a poor grasp of things like the emotions and social cues in a room. Especially if it’s an undiagnosed or mild case.
We need to just learn to be confident in our own perceptions as valid so it doesn’t matter if anyone around us is off, on purpose or not.
Hello 👋, how are you doing today; how’s everything going over there 👉 Hope it was a great day for you Andi?
Hey Jess- I wanted to let you know that I’m a therapist and I use your videos all the time with my clients. Old, young, ADHD, non-ADHD. You’ve been such a great tool for not only me as an ADHD-er but also me as a mental health clinician. Thanks 😊
Thanks! I swear... honestly, YOU'RE THE BEST! Thank you, for all that you are doing to raise awareness, so that firstly, people can find out if they have add/adhd in the first place, and then if they think they do, they can seek professional help, or teaching and helping others about their condition, and how to cope with things. You're a sweetheart with an awesome, chirpy personality, giving adhder's and the people who care about them, hope, may I add! 🌟😀💕
Awwwww thank you so much!! We do our best! And thank YOU! For watching and supporting what we do. It really means a lot 😊🧡
A lot of people are asking if they are accidentally gaslighting others. Gaslighting doesn't require an intent to make someone feel "crazy" or gaslight them, but *it does require an intent to manipulate.* It is emotional abuse. Often, gaslighters target people who have low self esteem and are quick to doubt themselves ("wait -- am I the problem?) That said, it can *feel* like gaslighting even if it's not. And this can be common in neurodiverse relationships. Someone might feel as if they are being gaslit by an autistic partner, for example -- but this article explains how it's different (and why it still matters): www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-it-still-gaslighting-if-my-partner-has-aspergers-0311194#:~:text=The%20fact%20is%20that%20I,be%20if%20intent%20were%20there.
really informative article
What does intent to manipulate feel like or what are some thoughts that will indicate that is what is bring attempted instead of just trying to reconcile or communicate also how do you dispel delusions that demand you have x or lose y like you get this if x happens or lose y if you don't. Help me please
@@EnglishAaron That's a complicated question, and a good thing to talk to a mental health professional about if possible. One possible question to ask is, are you trying to control or destroy their perspective (usually by convincing them of something you know isn't true), or are you trying to make yours heard.
@@HowtoADHD I wanted an outcome and thought I just couldn't explain things properly and everytime I felt like I was getting closer I'd be shot down and the topic changed, all I had to do was accept the decision but wanted to accept it knowing that they understood where I came from not without them knowing or not understanding why 100 percent I was being dismissed because nobody would explain to me the reasoning for why they chose to do what they did nobody who knew me for years thought it was worth it
@@HowtoADHD Jessica can you please answer this
Is it possible to get gaslighted by a therapist?
“We might trust other’s judgment over our own.” Historically, that has been so true for me!! But I’m getting better at trusting my own… yay!!
I had a manager who was a mega gaslighter. I didn’t understand what was going on, I just knew talking to him never made sense.
I had several Family members and Friends do this to me throughout my entire life.
It took the better part of 4 decades to Feel and Believe that My Self-Worth is not theirs...it is mine. The fact they are angry bc I pointed out something obvious and reacted by causing me to DOUBT MYSELF over the Formative Years of My Life...
I have come a LONG way the past 5 months...that was when I finally had my Self-Worth Epiphany. Since then...it is shocking to me How Often Someone's Self-Worth is the Cause of the Reaction and Behavior.
Others Reactions RARELY involve anything You have done!
I experienced this for a year in my last relationship and seeing this today brought me to tears. I appreciate all of your videos, they are wonderful. Thank you.
The best way to respond is “we see things differently”. Distance yourself from these people and set rock solid boundaries. Record conversations if you need to
Prone to doing it and vulnerable to it, too. Not remembering things is bad for all involved. ☹️ (No, not deliberately gas lighting people but I'll fervently argue that something didn't happen... then find out later that it did 😩)
Sometimes I don't know if it's a real memory or dream I had. I'm blessed with a loving family that cares for me truly and they help me a lot when I'm confused.
Thank you for this video! I needed it. It feels so good to know that you are not crazy or alone. People do not understand how this type of abuse bleeds in to every other avenue of your life. No one should have to question reality constantly... It's like holding a birds wing and then demanding to know why it can't fly.
this is just a word ofr word description of a traumatic relationship i have had. I keep tearing up in these videos
I went through years of this, so I'm very sensitive to being accused of gaslighting (which is a popular thing these days). Being afraid to disagree with the people around you is a sign that your social circle is toxic.
One of the biggest milestones my wife and I reached was identifying the difference between "I don't remember it that way," and "You're wrong, and/or, that never happened."
We both took the former as the latter and once we realised that it wasn't, our arguments toned down significantly.
I broke up with my partner a week ago. I was just so tired of apologizing.
This video helped me remember why I need to stay far away.
Thank you. Couldn’t have been better timed.
Trending in the right direction 👍🏻☮️💚
I’m an adult who was only very recently diagnosed with ADHD and on my ongoing process of healing and recovery, I had to come to terms with realizing that I had actually suffered from gaslighting from people taking advantage of my tendency to people-please out of my inclination towards wanting to do good. It was harder as I was already suffering from my own issues I didn’t know how to fully cope with that I, with both grief and relief, realize as challenges from having ADHD (and some related co-morbidities). It is challenging but I am grateful for so much support and help I will no longer hesitate to work with out of strong feelings of shame and regret out of it in my life.
What I didn’t realize then but now acknowledge is that in these cases, those manipulators would disregard my own feelings and did not respect my own person, just wanting to use me for either emotional fulfillment, material resources, or my own skillsets for their own ends without equal measure, like I had been scammed out of a healthy relationship and may not get closure for. It’s not healthy to be made to doubt yourself so much that you end up fueling more self-destructive behaviors to compensate for the sense of “not enough” or from pain of rejection from this, especially when you had previously built a relationship on good will. Thankfully, with the genuine love my true friends and family have shown me, they have helped me completely get out of these dangerous situations.
I hope though, that with time, therapy, continued collaborative care with my psychiatrist and support systems, healthier habits and choices henceforth with more mindfulness, I can make peace with this and also use my experiences and skills to avoid perpetuating this cycle and also recognize it when it might happen again.
Just wanted to get my thoughts out there, thank you so much for this video! Your channel has been helpful on this often-misunderstood condition and makes me feel like I’m never truly alone despite what my own perception of my experiences tell me.
Omg! That begining bit!
I was once playing a game where u have to deduct who the bad people in the group are. And I was somehow confused into thinking I'd done the wrong card instead of actually finding one of the bad people. Was hilarious though in this situation
Oh dear, this really hit home. I managed to get out of a relationship where I was gaslit heavily, and it really messed up my brain in terms of being able to trust my self perception and how I see the world around me. I’m in therapy to work through this, and my therapist confirmed that neurodivergent folk are often more susceptible to this form of emotional and mental abuse. It was such an important step in my recovery to learn that I’m not crazy, overreacting or simply plain stupid.
I like how the text (in 0:51 ) is made. With all the symboles and the timing it tickles my brain in the right places so it is easy to get. Normaly i have problems understanding long centences in english because it isn't my first language.
Thank you for this Video. It is a realy important topic. I understod how gaslighting works 2 jears ago and it changed my life completly (for the better).
@@Justcallmegary and you can be super proud of you for a reason. You did a great job. 😎👍
As someone who grew up with a covert narcissistic father, and as someone just learning that I may have ADHD, this video was so refreshing
This is gonna be interesting! I always feel like I took something the wrong way or remembered things wrong
I can't describe how glad I am to have found your channel. Or all the reasons why. Domestic abuse survivor, that's me, struggling and I don't know why, also me. Procrastinator, me. Loser of important things, also me. Forgetter of dates, misser of deadlines because I can't plan to save my life, the daydreaming, socially unsophisticated, emotionally dysregulated, all the things.
This explains a lot of my behavior. A lot. I'm getting more information. And my therapist is in trouble.
Wish I saw this with my ex in highschool. 8 months of separating me from my family and friends and believing I was a terrible person for tiny things.
4 years of pain later I'm me again.
Yep. So much of this. I remember the first time someone pointed out to me that I was being gaslit by my ex when I finally opened up about everything that had been going on. I knew deep down that all of it felt wrong, but I didn't actually know what was going on until my friend literally said "that's gaslighting." All of a sudden it was this big "aha!" moment and like anyone, I pretty much vowed to never let that happen again to me. Buuuut that's always easier said than done and sometimes leads to the opposite where I've added to my already existing trust issues...
The biggest distinction that has helped me when dealing with anything "toxic" related is to understand that maybe it's not intentional/maybe it's not actually "toxic," but it's toxic for ME. Maybe someone else would be fine with that behavior, but I'M not cause ____, ____, and ____. And that's ok. We just aren't compatible. I do also believe that some people are just incompatible in the sense that they bring out each other's "toxic" traits. So regardless, distance and ending things is key. A relationship should never make you question your sanity or act in a way that "isn't you." Period.
Thank you I had a bad day today
Not really related to Gaslighting, but a person asked me to just not be "so sensitive"
I was unable to mask my stimming because of my bad day and they took it as "sensetive"
Sorry about your bad day. I can’t stand when people tell me to be less sensitive. Makes me feel so small.
Sensitivity is a strength that comes with drawbacks some people don't properly appreciate. Sure sucks when someone will tell someone else to not be sensitive knowing that it will surely hurt them. It's mean.
I spent a year living with some of my close friends and this nailed my experience living with them. They minimized my grievances towards them while maximizing theirs to me. Made me question my own motives and made me think something was fundamentally wrong with me because I wasn’t able to pick up on their rules that ended up being double standards. They definitely framed things as them trying to help me be better with relationships. They constantly would get mad at if I tried to uphold any sort of boundaries. Even just trying to avoid them would get me accused of being a bad friend. It didn’t help that the place we lived was fairly isolated too. Once I started talking to other friends online, it helped me see just how much I was manipulated.
I still low key expect people to blow up on me if I’m any less than perfect, but I’m working on that. But if anything helped me, it was having others to vent to and provide affirmation that you’re not in fact insane or broken.
Weirdly perfectly timed video. I just broke off a friendship because he was gaslighting more and more frequently. I was always wrong, I was never doing enough etc. I only just came to the conclusion about it happening the other day when they gaslit so obviously it would be almost impossible to miss.
thank you for this validation. I left a 3 year gaslighting relationship almost a year ago and it's been a really rough recovery. but I finally found an ACTUALLY good person to be in a healthy relationship with. and a support system that I tell literally everything to make sure I'm not being abused.
Thank you 💖. This has helped me put everything into place. I just realized recently that I've got ADHD and I am leaning more about myself and why I do certain things. Thank you
You're welcome! Glad it helped 🧡
I cannot even begin to describe what this video means to me. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for years. Now, my boyfriend (who is not abusive) tells me when he notices OTHER people taking advantage of me, points out kindly that I’m still autistic, still naive, and still don’t recognize it when people are mistreating me… and I am so grateful to him for that. Though, it did take a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that HE is not manipulating me when he tells me I misremember something. He’s helping me. Ugh, the damage done feels permanent sometimes!
Ever since I confided in my parent about my trauma / ADHD related memory issues, anytime I disagree with their version of events or try to address a way they hurt me, they remind me of my memory issues and assert that their memory of it is correct. It's really hurtful because while I am willing to consider that I may have remembered something incorrectly, they aren't willing to consider the same for themselves even though they also claim to have memory problems.
I get you Just Rachel. Sometimes people around you can appreciate that YOU might remember something incorrectly but heaven forbid you should say that THEY might remember something incorrectly as well sometimes. It can be very frustrating.
Yeah, this is a two way street though. I’ve found that I was gaslit by my ADHD partner because instead of admitting to his faulty memory he would insist that I’m the one misremembering it. His rejection sensitivity also caused him to have a skewed perception of me, and he often misinterpreted events and reactions because he is hyper-vigilant about being rejected. So for a good part of the relationship I thought I was a horrible person who was constantly hurting him, when he was the one with a disproportionate reaction.
Kinda sucks to know that this video is relatable for me but it’s nice to know ADHD is getting more acknowledged these days. I’ve always hated being told what I was feeling or not feeling, dealt with it all my life.
My ex used to do this a LOT and it was AWFUL. There are many reasons they're my ex now but that was one of the biggest, any time we had confrontations or arguments they would tell me I didn't feel things I did, or that I felt things I didn't, and wouldn't listen to me when I said they were wrong.
the question is a two-edged knife. some ADHD also use their needs to become a gaslighter, or their frailty to claim being gaslighted... that's another part of gaslighting... claiming to be a victim of it when it is not, usually break the confidence inside a relation, because the partner have to do both jobs of safeproofing everything that is said or done.
it's not only related to ADHD, anybody can use this behavior in specific situations... like in debates, in a couple fight, or just while playing... everything depend on the reason and the level of impact that the lighting occurs.
Also, similar behaviors can be used to resolve a situation without tail or head when someone claim to be a victim and we can not show any evidence of it... "it's not your fault, but it would be better to move on rather than focus on this element"... does not always mean that "you see ghosts"...
and sometimes, the "victim" shows that refusal instead of accepting responsibilities when there are. "you're always on my back, you always refuse my arguments, you never accept my version of the thing"... does not always tell that the person is a victim... sometimes it is also that person who refuse to see its own errors or refuse to accept its role in the situation. That also is hard to manage in a relation...
This feels like my relationship with my mom almost to a T. I say “almost” because I highly doubt my mom does it on purpose (or most of the time)- she just thinks she’s right about everything, therefore assuming I’m wrong. Regardless, that has made me assume that I’m always wrong and I doubt pretty much everything I remember. Especially since I know my memory is spotty because I’m not attentive to everything, but am on certain things, so I never know what’s right or what’s not. My mom doubts a lot of what I claim because of this. Very confusing and frustrating.
I had an extremely emotional response to just seeing the thumbnail of this video.
I'm not in an abusive situation anymore but this was extremely validating for me looking back.
Oh yes … I also grew up with narcissistic parenting.
I needed this 💖
I let someone emotionally abuse and gaslight me for around 7 years :( because I loved them (or thought I did) and kept thinking "what can I do to be better? How can I fix this?" 💔
They convinced others I was crazy because they'd do or say things to cause my emotions to flare right up.
They warned me to be careful of my best friend because "there's something not quite right about them. Don't trust them".
They told me I was crazy and everything was my fault. They'd sometimes punish me by disappearing and cutting all contact for days or weeks, or block my number and social media.
I didn't know then that I had ADHD. But I really wish I had. I might have been able to break free sooner.
But I'm also glad I'm in a better place now and will not take that crap from anyone once I recognise it.
Thank you Jessica ❤️
Needed this. Thank you Jess!
I am absolutely baffled you actually posted this video after asking you about it.......
Awesome video as usual!
My boss would literally tell me I wasnt remembering things correctly and try to take advantage of my ADD.
It got so bad that I then started to record the meetings on GoToMeeting. She then continued to say I wasnt remembering things correctly and try to submit to HR that I was doing my job poorly. Then when I shared the recordings to her and HR that “i was not remembering things Incorrectly AND indeed was correct” she pulled me from projects and tried to make my position no longer needed by eliminating my work.
She was trying to get me fired for my disability. I had set up a strong support structure to do my job very well despite my ADD and she did everything to tear me down. She very much new I had ADD.
Needless to say I left that job.
Thank you for this. My wife has recently shown me that I do this to her as a way to win disagreements we have. I have been working with a therapist on my ADHD, depression, anxiety, and trouble with relationships, ... for the last year. It has come to my realization that my parents did this to me as I was growing up and now I do it without even thinking about it. I was tested and diagnosed with ADHD as a child but my parents chose not to treat it, and conversely treat me like my three brothers who are not neurodiverse. Gaslighting is a powerful weapon and whether it is intentional or not can severely harm someone.
Man, the timing of this video coming up on my feed is not coincidental. Having grown up under a textbook narcissistic gaslighter, my sibling and I have become desensitized to it. Always having to reset, and play along even though we KNOW and can FEEL the wrongness of the inconsistencies. Yet, our rejection sensitivity and emotional dysregulation causes us to constantly overthink our sense of self and if we really are as toxic and damaging as gaslighters have convinced us of. It transfers over to your relationships and interactions with people. It has caused us to endure more emotional abuse than we actually deserve by basic human rights. And then once we come to realize and trust our intuition, since our hightened sensitivity never goes away, even if we realize we arent the gaslighters we still feel like the main problem fir being gullible and easily manipulated.. which then goes into the rabbit hole of feeling like maybe we are weak, unintelligent, frantic, and reckless. Thank you for this video. As somebody who has struggled with diagnosed ADHD since 12 years old, somehow it never actually gets easier. But recognizing and awareness like this helps us to better navigate for the sake of our wellness to be in tact thru and til the end.
I don’t want to admit this because it’s my own family but in my child hood which I’m in high school now, my own sisters always told me that I’m being emotional and I didn’t even know it was gaslighting, something I also didn’t realize was ever since those memories I was always intimidated, scared, frightened, annoyed, mad and closed off of my own two sisters
And my sisters and I are really close together and still are
But I admit that I am very vulnerable to gaslighting which Already is apart of my life.
As an ADHD student, I was bullied by other students, especially in middle school who would intentionally gaslight me and the teachers did nothing
Did your teachers tell you, your classmates meant well, too? That they'll stop, if you ask them nicely and stop provoking them?
@@v3ru586 yup. Or that I need to move away from the situation and “choose my friends wisely”
@@Seasonal-Shadow_4674 you were allowed to choose your friends? I usually heard from the teacher, who I'm friends with when they asked, why I don't spend time with them in recess. Or when we were supposed to do teamwork in class.
I’m so glad that you made this video! I’ve been wondering about this, as we tend to be forgetful. I was gaslighted and wondered if I was more susceptible because of undiagnosed adhd.
Thank you for using “those who menstruate” as opposed to women!! Your inclusive language means a lot!
I used to insist on remembering things right before (obnoxiously), but once I realized I have a bad memory with my brain having a tendency to make up things to fit the situation, I've just felt lost. I find myself constantly saying "maybe you're right", find it harder to say my opinion and I'm always discouraged by how wrong I am. It's good I'm not so obnoxious anymore but it's really impacted my self-confidence.
What about the inverse - ADHD/ASDers being more prone to (perhaps even unintentionally) gaslighting others? I feel like I do this sometimes...where I perceive or remember something differently from someone else (particularly things that I have said where I may not have articulated my thoughts as intended) and take a hard stance on the issue. It feels wrong to me to tell someone that they 'heard me wrong' or 'misunderstood' what I was saying, even when I legitimately think that is what happened.
This is an interesting question…after being gaslit I was in a relationship with someone who is autistic & it felt a lot the same sometimes. The difference was, in actual gaslighting it’s about control. Controlling the other person’s perspective and convincing them of things you want them to believe even when you know it’s not true. With my autistic bf, it was genuinely his perspective - it was just very different from mine, because his brain worked very differently from mine.
That said, we had to create a rule that we don’t ever lie to each other. Because if I’m going to override my internal sensors that what he’s saying isn’t true because it doesn’t match my understanding of reality, I need to know for sure that it’s safe to do that. So even about little things, no lies.
I was just on the phone with my mom the other day and we made a realization that people always try to gaslight me. I was jokingly like guess I'm an easy target without even putting the two together. Thanks for the amazing and informative videos!
Those are good examples. I just wanna point out that a lot of gaslighting is non-verbal. It's even harder to point out and harder to break away from and retrain your brain into a healthy trust of its perception.
God this has happened all my life never had a name for it previously
Wow. Can you explain this more?
I can never trust my own thoughts. Between transference, oppositional defiance, and just general social obliviousness, I can't ever really be sure what I am upset about or why. I have to constantly question every thought to avoid gaslighting myself.
Not sure i agree with this one personally. I have a hard time accepting when my own perception/reality wasn't the actual truth EVEN if i'm wrong.
This is possibly diagnostically relevant
I've been gaslit so much throughout my life and a lot of it worked purely because I have terrible (emotional) memory and if someone told me I did/said xyz, I oftentimes had no way of knowing whether I did or didn't. This is a really helpful video, thank you!
do you think that some people with ADHD may be perceived to gaslight others? gaslighting requires intention, but we might accidentally manipulate others because we actually dont remember what happened. it sucks.
Yes often . I’m accused of this
Been through this too much. Thank you for helping me understand why i am the way i am. Im undiagnosed but 100% certain i have adhd. Every one of your videos has connected with me so much
I’m curious what everyone’s thoughts are, on how you differentiate between seeming overlap or grey areas between:
. deliberate gaslighting, for malignant motives
. not necessarily a malignant person, but actions or behavior resemble gaslighting and are damaging nonetheless
. motives unknown, e.g. a stranger, proposing their view in addition to ours
. someone otherwise “well-intentioned”, making a mis-step in a “read the room” kind of way
. complete ignorance.
All of these can hurt. But I wonder where one draws the line, where one villainizes the alleged perpetrator and allows no-filters on dehumanizing language - as opposed to giving benefit of the doubt and/or resolving to simply put a lot of distance between you and them.
As a recovering victim of narcissistic abuse, I find this distinction tricky but essential.
TALK to them, tell them I WANT to give you the benefit of the doubt BUT. In private ONCE. With a witness (or two including Human Resources if it is at work) the second and third times. Then if possible spend less time with them then cut them off if needed. I am seriously too old to give more than that amount of time to people who do not understand that much learning curve. Be specific. Tell them how it made you feel. Tell them what you EXPECT to see change. CALL them on it in the MIDDLE of a sentence WHEN it happens again. ASSERT yourself. If they cannot change or choose not to (it no longer matters which at that point you are not their mother I hope) you do not need to keep putting up with it.
I think one can protect oneself from harm without having to villianise anyone.