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Many years ago, on my first date with the man I would be with for the next 36 years, I spilled my guts, I told him everything about me, the good bad and ugly. Thought it would scare him off. I think he was intrigued. 😆 I lost him nearly 2 years ago. I knew everything about him as well. His humanity was most appealing. I feel totally lost in this world now. So glad I found him.
Many years ago, when I was dating my husband for a while, I started knowing early on that he could be the one. I had been pretty sexually active when I was single and we lived in a really small town. I had had sex with his brother one time several years before and I thought, if he IS the one, I don't want this to come out later and ruin things. So one night while lying in bed together I softly told him. He was quiet for a moment then softly said "I already knew. " It was never mentioned again and we were married almost 39 years when he passed away 💔 in 2021. He was the best man I ever knew and was truly the love of my life.
1) 1:42 sexual details about your past partners 2) 3:04 things you hate about yourself 3) 4:22 insecurities about the relationship 4) 6:14 judgment thoughts about your partner 5) 7:28 shame stories
Or that you are on a diet. Add to #2. Years ago men might not notice you are carrying extra weight until you tell him albeit there days women are so obese they may not even get a date to begin with.
Never tell him your weak spots, or trigger points. At first he may avoid them in order to love bomb you, and then use them to abuse you. Never give them the weapon to hurt you with.
Before we married, I disclosed to my future husband about a 1 time indiscretion that had happened more than 20 years before in my first marriage. He knew I deeply regretted it. We never discussed it again. But 20 years later when he divorced me to marry the 17 year younger woman that he had a child with on our 10th wedding anniversary, he felt the need to call my Grandmother, my ex husband and each of my adult children to tell them about my past 1 night stand!
Warning: even if your partner is asking about past sexual stuff, just don't tell them no matter what. I dated and quickly married a Borderline male, and I made the mistake of giving in to his multiple requests for past sexual stuff, and he ended up weaponizing that information to torture me with through the remainder of the short marriage. Huge mistake.
SAME!! I spent the first year ignoring and avoiding my ex-bf's repeated interrogative questions (more like demands) about my sexual experiences in a previous relationship. After being repeatedly broken down and interrogated for months I finally briefly told him about one very average nothing-crazy experience that I didn't enjoy, and I made sure to casually say it while complimenting my ex-bf to ensure that his ego wouldn't become bruised. It made things 10 times worse! Over the following year, my ex-bf would constantly bring it up, especially during fights or times of intimacy, and used that knowledge to torment me. It was awful.
Thank you for another great video, Mat, but I strongly disagree with #5. A communicable/transmissible disease should be disclosed very early on, well prior to intimacy, as it is a deal breaker for many people. Why waste your and their time by not being transparent about something that has the potential to impact their health in the future? I work I in Family Medicine and see the devastating emotional impact of STD’s in the unknowing, made even worse when their partner has not been honest about it. It can destroy trust, and without trust, there is no healthy relationship. .
Going into a relationship only thinking about sex creates barriers to cultivating intimacy. Sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. A huge issue in our society today is our obsession with sex which is why so many relationships fail. People rail against the idea of abstaining from sex before creating an intimate bond with another person, but it is literally the antidote to many relational problems. Placing timelines on intimate activity is a huge red flag and sign of emotional immaturity and a good indicator that you should likely not be sexually active.
I am torn about some of the comments about the herpes example. I mean, if you care enough about the man to marry him and it's in sickness and in health, then I think once getting a thorough explanation on how to manage the condition from your health care provider (I am one too) then it's something the two of you will navigate together. It is not life-threatening. I understand the feeling of being tricked, in a way, and that you want to know up front as part of the trust and intimacy, so I advocate for people doing so. But people are human, and they get scared to talk about herpes. Before hiv came along, herpes was the number one virus problem in the US with millions of dollars allocated to finding a vaccine. All of that got shifted to combating hiv historically and now herpes is this quiet dilemma that no one talks about. Very very common. Only doctors know how common
@@SmittyTra-tra It’s not to single out those with Herpes, the message is that one should disclose prior to sexual intimacy that they have a communicable disease, regardless of the nature.
I've never regretted NOT telling some boyfriend unflattering details about my past self. Because you never know where a relationship might go. Even if you both fall in love & get married, & you think it's okay that you trusted him & "shared;" things can still go ary in a marriage. And one day, your little old secret might be used to a smear you in court during a divorce battle. Never arm ANYONE against you! It might feel good to unburdon yourself, & to feel that you can fully trust someone. But I'm afraid it's an illusion. Half of marriages fail. And you never know when love could turn into a war.
I have hsv 2. Got it from the guy I was married to who didn’t tell me. I have battled this intensely in my life because of the emotional trauma it caused. It no longer affects me, is not life threatening and is something I simply live with. I agree with Matt, wait until the time is right. Many people you are not going to continue dating and they don’t need to know. I used to tell people right away. Now I wait until I know that I enjoy spending time with this person and that we want the same things. I tell someone because 1. I don’t want to waste my time. 2. I would want to know. 3. If this scares them away they are not the right person and have weeded themselves out of my life. Matt is not saying to wait years or even a year but to wait until there is more of a connection and you decide that you would like to continue, then you tell them. And if they walk walk away, let them. The right person will accept you and love you, scars and all❤
This is what happened to a couple of people I am close with. Infidelity left them with an unwelcome gift that many others can be critical of. I honestly don't know why people make such a big deal about herpes. It's not life-threatening and it's a mild inconvenience. Plus I've heard people that have great luck in suppressing it by managing their diets and stress levels. When one of the people I mentioned met the man they wound up marrying, after leaving the cheating and physically abusive first husband, he was great about it when she informed him of the herpes. He said, "There's nothing that could make me not love you!" - and they've been together 40 years.
@@brandyfritz1587but what if the person is afraid of contracting it from someone they like? Wouldn’t that be a fair deal breaker from preventing them from pursuing the relationship? If they can’t be intimate because the fear is turning them off sexually, that leaves the option of a sexless relationship with the two individuals involved.
@madhavi If you really and truly love someone and want to marry them, nothing will allow that fear to stand in the way. Casual sex is not casual. If you are feeling fearful, perhaps it means this person is not right for you and that you are trying to become sexual with someone you have no real connection with. Yes, it would be responsible of you to walk away before getting more entangled with someone if you are feeling fearful and this is a deal breaker for you. It's never wise to ignore how you're feeling about a situation.
I think insecurities can be caused by past relationship trauma and I think it is completely appropriate to communicate with your partner about it so that they are not caught off guard if you react to something they say about that insecurity. For example, I got bullied for having hairy arms as a girl and when my husband asked if I ever considered shaving it, I started crying because I was already insecure about it. What then? Just lie and say I’m crazy? No, he has a right to know WHY. Sorry, but I think there are exceptions.
yes and you also know when you’ve got a monster on your hands, if they “tease” or try to shame you about an insecurity they know you have! So it’s a win/win… you feel protected if they look out for you and you know to get away if they don’t because it’s a very clear sign of someone not fit to be a partner
@@juneelle370 yes i did tell him my insecurities and doubts and that made him doubt me too but we resolved this by being open and honest communication
I do not necessarily agree with the last point. Letting the partner get close enough and attached enough to later tell them about a contagious, lifelong disease could be considered a devious act and a betrayal. (Thoughts from an outside perspective)
I agree - this could be a dealbreaker to some people, and holding off until the other person has become emotionally attached can be really devastating to him/her
@@richerDiLefto research how common it is and how often doctors don’t even test for it in std panels for that reason and then tell me it should be illegal. It can also be asymptomatic (especially in men). Still think it should be illegal ?
I agree, withholding anything that could affect the partners' life to ensnare them is a narcissistic trait. I wasted 12yrs with someone who omitted telling me health issues and I wanted to help him solve it when I realized something was wrong. He refused to see Dr or specialists until I left. I was stuck with someone who ensnared me and my misplaced loyalty kept me there far too long trying to help as anyone would do if their partner would end up sick but this was ongoing BEFORE we met and not dealt with nor willing to be either. I had no intimacy due to his health issues and he was NOT willing to fix it ruined what I thought I was working on, a family. i felt dead inside, it took me yrs to recover. I didn't date for 4 yrs after that and very cautiously. My dream of having a family was also destroyed. No one should be put in this situation.
-sexual details about others -what you hate about yourself physically etc -insecurities about the relationship/fishing for validation -judgement/critical thoughts of him
Not sharing about exes and former sexual experiences is vital, even if they are sharing theirs with you. Their sharing is not an invitation to do likewise.
Not loving yourself while expecting someone else to, is at the root of sharing your personal insecurities and the things you dislike about yourself. Casting those to the side is avoiding a much deeper issue that will permeate all aspects of all of your relationships, platonic or romantic. It is also how we get trapped in codependance. Self-validation, responsibility and accountability begets self-forgiveness which is the ultimate pathway to love of self and love for others.
I laid it all out on the table when I realized I needed him to know it all before committing deeper into a relationship with him. A "this is me, if it's too much for you, here's your out, but I need you to know it all." That was the day I saw his demeanor change and our relationship really started.
Such a good video! I have noticed with men (when I didn't realise I shouldn't share this yet) - guys don't really notice your flaws until you point them out, after that they start focusing on it. Since I've kept those thoughts to myself, it has definitely changed my dating life tremendously + helped me build more confidence within myself. Likewise, I get very turned off if a man is too openly insecure -- there is nothing sexier than confidence in both men and women 100%
I agree, Jenna❣️ Men don’t often notice the physical flaws that I see. Being confident, friendly, kind and loving gets a man’s attention much readily than being apologetic & insecure.
This is so good, Mat! As a woman who has been married for 14 years, these are the most damaging things we have ever done in our relationship. I love the wisdom of this.
The herpes topic had better be brought up asap. I was married to a “man” who informed me ON THE WEDDING NIGHT he had it. ( no sex prior to that night). That killed the whole marriage. I just wanted him gone. I felt tricked into that marriage. I WAS tricked into that marriage. Viral shedding happens all the time, not just when he would have a breakout. Save yourself from medical problems and speak out, so you don’t waste time in your life.
What a nightmare to be told something like that on your wedding night. He absolutely should have told you before you said "I do." So what in the world did you do at that point? I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
A former (female) friend of mine w/it swore she would never tell a man she had it unless and until he was her husband, already sleeping together or not! I don’t know how these people live with themselves.
I was tricked into marriage to a man who did the same thing! Bait and switch! All trust was gone. He put my health at risk because of his own selfish reasons and wanting to avoid any and all conflict. I will not forgive that behavior.
A friend of mine just tested positive for oral Herpes Simplex II (Herpes usually found in the genital area) because of having unprotected oral sex with a man with Herpes Simplex II but who did NOT have any outward appearance of lesions, NOR had he disclosed that he was positive for Herpes Simplex II. She now has this virus for life. Granted, she took antiviral meds which cleared her active acute infection, but it certainly brings home your point about viral shedding.
Oh boy, Anna, me too! I tested the online dating waters recently after a looong marriage, and wound up over sharing (via text 🤪) and scared the poor guy off! Now I’m just trying to shake off my embarrassment! 😆. I’m glad I’m not the only one! Thanks for sharing. Good luck! 🍀 ❤
You never cease to amaze me with each subject. I think I’ve heard them all, then you come up with another one that I’ve never heard brought to light before on youtube. I’m so glad you’re team encouraged you to bring it up. Thank you for explaining each sensitive topic so well, it made a lot of sense and was valuable information.
I’m newly single after 40 years of marriage to a wonderful man who I love with all my heart, still…he passed away a few months ago. I’m not ready for anything romantic just yet but watching your vids helps me to learn about how the dating scene is so different from when I was single before. Thanks for educating me.
Oh please. There's a difference between secrets your partner has a right to know, and "none of your damn business." And no one is obligated to share the latter.
Yeah I honestly think these are all things one should share with their partner, if you want to be loved, accepted, and supported, wholly for who you are. None of these topics should be feared.. and if they are, if anything, keeping these secrets drives a wedge, not the other way around. You should have no secrets from each other. No topic should be off limits. You want to know each other inside and out. That is how true intimacy happens. If someone knows everything about you, and still loves and accepts you for who you are, that is more valuable than being loved for a version of yourself absent of these things. Also, there's nothing wrong with needing validation.
Agreed. I think Mat is saying don't tell a man all these things right at the very beginning, to wait until he's gotten to know you and cares about you. If a man cares about you, then no topic should be off-limits.
Agree with this. I wanted to know everything about my husband. I offered to share my past but he didn’t want to know. It is good either way. This was early on and has stayed fine with us 40 years and counting.
This was a terrific video, thank you very much. In my opinion, STDs should be discussed early on. Regardless of if a terrific connection has been built, even if it has been, it doesn't mean the person is willing and able to deal with that dynamic. I think being up front and honest at an early stage it is important for trust and safety moving forward.
Scarlett Francesca Omg you are so right. For the longest time I kinda felt like an asshole but on the first date I always ask what the status of the person I'm talking to is, like i always asks what is their std/sti and hiv status is and follow my gut. A lot of people told me that im an asshole but I feel like it's a very important topic to have during the very beginning stages of dating. I went on a date with a guy once and I asked him what his status was and he said he was clear, but my gut told me he was lying, than as the night went on he finally confessed he had genital herpes. I'm glad he told me the truth but im even more glad I followed my instincts and didn't touch him sexually or let him touch me sexually.
Depends if you are getting sexual first date. Otherwise you are sharing private info with someone who may be planning on ghosting you after one date anyway.
As someone who didn't grow up with any healthy relationships as examples I appreciate your work. I've worked to heal and grow myself and now that I feel ready for a partner you're helping me learn how to pour the new me into a healthier situation and stop repeating patterns.
Gonna be honest, based on the title of this video I came in expecting to hate it... But I ended up agreeing with every point. Ultimately what you're describing aren't "secrets," what you're describing is how to have good judgement about how emotional intimacy develops in a relationship. I really loved the acorn analogy!
A guy I used to date let me fall in love with him and after I opened my heart to him told me he had hepatitis C. We struggled in and out ofbthe relationship. I could never get closer and it never eorked out. We both had brojen hearts and wasted time
Thank you, Mat! Telling about the way you feel about his mom or any member of his family if negative Hard lesson I learned .. you also marry his family
oh my God, this. You don't just marry a person, you indirectly are premanently connected to everyone in their inner circle too (family and closest friends). And you have to deal with all their relational dynamics, good or bad. Look for someone who knows what healthy boundaries are. Dear Lord.
I was dating someone who kept a huge secret from me (porn addiction) I knew something was off. Broke up with him because the entire time we were together was a complete lie.
Included in #1 is details or fielding questions about how many men you’ve had sex with. Answering this question or bringing it up is a LOSE-LOSE result! I once felt badgered into answering that question and it does not matter what the number is, if someone is insecure enough to ask it, they will hold your number over your head forevermore as a badge of shame… oh, and then not tell you what their number is. Yes, this was an adult “man”
Matt, this video needs to go viral. 100% . I wish someone had explained things, in this way, yeaaars ago! So many hurt people self-sabotage without even realizing it. So, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
Yep last one I dont agree with. Some people can be a carrier of STDs that are dormant but they're susceptible to giving it to others with no obvious symptoms from themselves for their whole life. Once you have genital warts for instances you are always a carrier. I know they tell you that's not true but it's a lie. I felt so strongly on this that I did my thesis on this. I asked a consultant once why everyone wasnt told this and he said because everyone would panic.
Well, try getting everyone who has ever had a 'cold sore' to explain to everyone they date that they have a potentially STD, even though they may have only had one outbreak or 'I only get it when it's cold out'. At the end of the day, there is no way to ever begin to convince everyone that herpes is herpes is herpes. Some people never date again after a 'cold sore' and some are oblivious, and then there are those who claim 'ingrown hair'. Meanwhile, getting paperwork is your best bet and if they won't do that, nope out.
Thoughtful advice, thank you! I wouldn't share how I feel about my partner's family, unless I remain centered, compassionate, objective, and loving toward each of us, all at the same time.
Good points. But I don’t understand why people feel they can’t be open and honest. I agree with not saying sexual things with other people. But I believe you should be honest. It’s hard to remember lies …. Unless your lies have become truths.
This is excellent! I've been married over 42 years and have been struggling with these points 1-4 in the last couple of months since a crisis we had. I SO needed to hear this!
Just like not talking about your sexual experiences with exes, I feel you shouldn’t talk about the amount of sexual partners either. I feel like for most men, one is too many 😂. Also it seems to lead to more questions, that they don’t really want the answer to.
I love your suggestion about casting aside critical thoughts and CHOOSING to think about things you like about yourself instead! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! I never stopped to think about critical thoughts being amplified by focusing on them; or the way they PREVENT CLOSENESS between me and my partner. i THINK YOU JUST CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THE BETTER!!!!!
Thank you Mat. I had a sense that these things hurt my husbands heart and really are just destructive insecure thoughts and fears because I have never been loved like this before. I don’t want him to pay for destructive behavior from anyone in my past. It reinforces that I need time with a Councelor again and girl time… so I don’t bring in the very thing I fear. Thank you 🙏🏻♥️
I would love to have clarified for us whether even in a long-term relationship people should avoid sharing insecurities. Not suggesting being obsessive, but if you have a long-standing inner struggle against an insecurity and you don’t share it with your best friend, what is *meant* by intimacy, anyway?
Thank you Mat. I was in a relationship for 17 years. The person did not share until after 5 years they were taking medication to help with ED. He decided to stop taking the medication and said nothing. I thought it was me and he let me believe this for several years. Only discovered it accidentally by overhearing him with a friend. Made so much sense, but by then felt it was too late. We had grown so far apart. Felt it was such a betrayal and cruel to make me feel inadequate. He also had many anger issues develope the last couple of years. I left and am working to open myself to a future with beautiful possibilities. Please keep posting these nuggets of knowledge on relationships. ❤
Sweet Mat, life taught me a thing or two. People never change. Anything about him that she does not like - even if it does not happen frequently - this is how he is. What she may want to do - experiment. Be very nice and appreciative to him. Express appreciation for many things he does or says, everything flattering. If she sees improvement in his behavior - then she may decide to continue the relationship for a while, and see. If her appreciative attitude does not change what she does not like in him - say bye-bye or stay, but know what you have and take this from there.
I thought this was an excellent list. I would simply add that patience is the key in most relationships in the beginning. Many people want to dive in and spend all their time, money and emotional energy so quickly, but it is better to pace yourself.
I think this.... If the relationship is strong and meant to be ....don't filter your thoughts or what you want to talk About. Be yourself. True commitment means acceptance..... so if want to discuss insecurities etc...do it. Sharing sexual past...I think is a smart idea not a bad idea . I like people to be open and to accept my openess as well. This is just my opinion
Definitely agree. If I have to filter myself in a relationship with a person I want to live the rest of my life with it's not worth even being in the relationship.
Also talking negative about something about yourself, that thing that you really don’t like about yourself might just be the thing that your partner totally adores. Your partner loves you for YOU and everything about you, try to rest in that and just be present in the moment❤️ My partner has birth marks all over his body and he’s self conscious about them, for me they are stars and I often write poetry about them, they make him totally unique and the spots on his neck is one of the first details I noticed about him❤️
This video offers an insightful perspective on the importance of setting boundaries and protecting oneself in relationships. While it's important to be open and honest with a partner, there are certain personal details that may be better kept to oneself. It's empowering to know that as women, we have the power to choose what we share with our partners and what we keep private. This video is a great reminder to prioritize our own well-being and not sacrifice our boundaries in the pursuit of a relationship.
It is absolutely not necessary to share the number of partners you had in the past. The important thing now is the future you have with your loving man. It is also good to learn from our past experiences without dragging any negative resonance into our new relationship. ♥
This was a really difficult question to answer, but I'm glad your team encouraged you to look at some answers because you handled this really well. Thank you.
I've done everyone so has he. Knew each other 5 years finally dated and then married. We told each other when we were first getting to know each other.
Add to #2.. telling him what you feel are your flaws, he may not see those as flaws, in fact he might actually like those things about you, and presenting them over and over as flaws will not only give him negative things to say to you if that were ever to come up, he could also begin seeing those things as flaws, and it will amplify your flaws in his mind,when maybe he didn't to begin with.
Thanks a lot for this, Matt! It’s very timely for me, as a chronic over-sharer. I’ve recently met a man and we are mutually interested in each pursuing a healthy relationship after divorces on both sides. I’ve felt like I should refresh my thoughts and goals for how to behave in this relationship, after plenty of traumatic events in my life. It’s good to be reminded of the “oak tree” analogy regarding length and strength of the relationship being the guide for how much to share/how much the relationship can handle. So, again: thanks!
I had asked a guy if he cheated on someone in his past and he said, yes I did but so did she". "And we were in bad terms anyway so I did". Well, with that being said, I stopped taking to him and already thought, "if I date him-he will do the same to me", so I moved on. So I would say, Don't spill out if you have betrayed someone or semi-cheated bc I don't feel it would work out and it will always be in the back of your mind if he will do it to you. Thanks for your videos Mat. 💕
Thanks for your great input on how secrets kept due to fear create distance; and how the distance it creates can doom the relationship. I think that says it all. I believe only things relevant and important to "this relationship" should ever be shared with a new partner.
Thank you for the video! I only disagree with the std thing - a potential date told me about his right away to make me aware and to check if that’s going to work for me if we date. Unfortunately it didn’t work for me but I was very grateful that he shared it early on and we both agreed to move on and not to waste each other’s time.
This sounds like a unicorn experience. That man sounds like a saint all-things-considered. As much as it's a turn-off that he had an STD, it's rare to find someone who values the other person enough to protect them from it. The respect he showed you is award-winning.
I once told a guy that I wanted to be in a relationship with, that "not being , " religious " was a deal breaker for me. He ran away so fast, I saw smoke on the bottom of his shoes ! 😆😆 lesson learned.
What was the lesson learned? Would you rather have not disclosed such an important characteristic you needed/wanted in a relationship in order to have this guy? If it really was a dealbreaker, you should be happy to have found out he did not value it the same. You sound sad though. I don't think you know what you want.
Exactly, you have to know if someone is going to protect your heart and not use it to throw at you in a fight to use as a dirty ammunition when you most need love and compasión for very painful experiences. Also to remember not everyone is mature enough and when you find it they fight dirty that’s the time to know that’s NOT going to change. Hey take it from an old lady, lived 40 years in that type of relationship, I learned to protect myself and on top of that you get told “ your not being truthful or open” and they can’t trust you, total projection of themselves. I believe in keeping the family together so there were aspects of my marriage I knew could never change, you make the best of it and you keep your self respect!
I love your videos. If you come from a wealthy family, especially if you are a woman until the time is right. I say this just to make sure that a relationship is established first, steady and secure.
Don't share the fact you plan on getting relationship advice outside of the relationship. Don't share intimate details of others who took you into their confidence. Don't share how you betrayed others confidence All these things make a partner nervous about how you portray the relationship or them to others. They will not share intimacy with someone who is duplicitous, judgemental, and caniving.
Big money dream ideas. I learned that when it comes to dreaming of acquiring things, women tend to hear “a flight of fancy or just an exciting dream. Men seem to automatically go into provider mode and this isn’t good, because as a woman your expressing a thought not an actual “ask”. Like stopping into an open house or looking at things at an auction. I learned to preface things with “this is a flight of fancy”. It takes the pressure of him and he can just look around too. 😊
There's wisdom in not disclosing certain things like specific details of your sexual experiences; your body count; highlighting your physical faults; and how badly you allowed your exes to treat you
Well, I'm engaged and my fiancee is one of those guys that have a keen intuition to who they want to be with for the rest of their lives. There's been nothing shocking for him about me. Everything no matter how distasteful, he has handled it and hasn't lost his hunger for my attention. So, I'm not anxious with him. I don't feel like asking him many questions. He gives me a minute ever so often, but EVERYDAY, and that's what I needed.
1. Sexual details with past partners. 2. Sharing things you hate about yourself. 3. Sharing insecurities about the relationship. 4. Your judgement thoughts about your partner. 5. Your shame stories. These all, imho, are 100% dead on. As a middle aged couple with past lives, it's best not to be playing mini movies in your head. The past is the past. Focus on the moment you're in. Jealousy over the past is real. That green eyed monster can destroy the good, real, moments if the relationship you're in. We don't focus on our pasts at all. Unless of course its something we learned and feel will help us.
I agree the absolute worst thing you can do is to tell your new person about all your sexual experiences it will come back at you. It will always be in his head
I agree with what you said Matt. I agree it should stay out of your relationship. If he don't ask don'y tell. Negative energy is not good for a relationship. No insecurities should be brought to a relationship. Judgement calls on your partner or the other way around isn't something you should do. It does take time to earn trust. ❤❤🎉🎉
I told a guy that I met through online speed dating that I've never been in a relationship before. I told him I'm willing to learn and grow. He was intrigued but I guess lost interest because I was so green.
Thank you Mat as always!!! Good nuggets here for all! Keep breathing and believing in ourselves and the vibration will come back to us. Trust is the key 🔑 ❤🎉
For myself…I would never share a terrible thing that I did in the distant passed that isn’t up building…this can only serve to make your partner think of the possibly that I might do such a thing in the future…now mind you…there are things I’m not proud of that should never be brought up or shared… solely because of the terrible nature of the action…so, I base what I share in that atmosphere…is it up building?
I disagree with the not revealing insecurities/fears about the relationship. If your partner won't/can't reassure you about things, then that suggests a lack of hope and team work. Your partner should reassure you, just as you both reassure each other about other things in life.
When i was dateing my husband i told him i had been raped multiple times by a family member. He was sorry it had happend to me but he never mentioned it after i told him we were married quickly. We met in January we got engaged in March and got married in june all in the same year. We were married 54 years. He died in October 2022. We had a wonderfull marriage and we were truly happy together.
What not to share? A man threatened to get even with me for rejecting his indecent proposal and then telling his then girlfriend about it by threatening to paint me nude (with my boyfriend's blood). I told my boyfriend, leaving out the parenthetical prepositional phrase, and he called the police to ask them to stop the guy. They did, we've been married almost two decades now, and I feel like I should tell him because I feel guilty but don't have the nerve. I exposed him to danger because I thought, rightly, that he could handle it, but I feel guilty for having done it. I don't see that he has anything to gain from finding out, so I ignore the selfish urge to tell him.
34 years married before we spoke about other partners, not what we got up too though. Always used to say past is past. They made me think he's something to hide. Lol. Found out that he'd had a threesome age 21. Was worried someone else would tell. I just laughed and said good for you. We all keep secrets.
I agree with all except the having a std. it could be a dealbreaker for the other person and it’s fair that they should know so they can make a decision early on rather it’s something they want to move forward with or pass. Why invest so much only to find out something that significant that would inevitably cause heartache? I think it should be disclose early on.
I like how you said spewing negativities, For example oh, I hate my thighs I hate my hair I hate I hate instead of while I do have some insecurities but I prefer not to talk about it and I am working on them. And I'm learning to love myself as I am.
Ok. #1 is correct. But, not if he WANTS to know. Complete honesty with my husband has made us more and more close over 43 years. I do agree that knocking myself isn’t helpful at all with our closeness. And, honestly he’s sick to death of hearing about my life long diet. Coming from a family of overweight women, though I’m not technically overweight, but I yo-yo about 20 lbs. I can see in his face he’s sick of hearing about it. Lol. Letting off steam once in a while about little irritations can be healthy as long as you don’t hit below the belt.
Great stuff, Matt. . I don't believe that a woman should ever tell her partner that she is afraid that it's too good to be true. Also I have been wanting to ask you this for a long time. Can you please change the outro music? It is very mercurial and childish. Nothing to do with women and mature subjects. Many thanks again!🙏
Some things you should never tell your partner are secrets that you're keeping from them. This creates distance in the relationship and prevents true connection. Other things you shouldn't share are things that wouldn't bring the relationship closer together. Sharing out of kindness and respect is always better than sharing out of fear.
I don't understand your comment. I tell my husband absolutely everything. I can't keep secrets from him. So I don't understand what you mean by this comment. My husband and I are very close and happy with each other.
I strongly disagree with negative reinforcing yourself of all the parts of yourself you don't like, it doesn't build confidence, it damages the self esteem and if you start doing this as a woman how would you feel if your child copies you and then they start to hate parts of their bodies and you've just passed that on because children are like mini mes of you and they don't need to go on some crazy diet to make extreme changes or take a pill. I always think to focus on what you do like about yourself bringing your confidence up instead of down because even in a relationship it upsets your partner to know this is the way you feel about yourself when they see you as beautiful
1. Sexual details about your past partners 2. Sharing things you dislike about yourself 3. Insecurities about the relationship - doubts and fears when it's "too good" 4. Judgmental thoughts about your partner 5. Sharing your shame stories
I had a guy point out that his brothers teased him about his big head…honestly, I never noticed it before that confession and then I sadly couldn’t unsee it after.
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Many years ago, on my first date with the man I would be with for the next 36 years, I spilled my guts, I told him everything about me, the good bad and ugly. Thought it would scare him off. I think he was intrigued. 😆 I lost him nearly 2 years ago. I knew everything about him as well. His humanity was most appealing. I feel totally lost in this world now. So glad I found him.
❤
I'm glad that worked out for you. I used to be like that; I've found it to be a dangerous gamble.
More love 💕 don't make that mistake again
I am where you are just LOST without my mate of 41 years.
@@latinaalma1947 wow😔
Proverbs 29:11-A fool speaks his whole mind: but a wise man keeps it until later.
God knows the truth. What a powerful scripture. 😊
God bless you
AMEN!🙏🏾💯
Many years ago, when I was dating my husband for a while, I started knowing early on that he could be the one. I had been pretty sexually active when I was single and we lived in a really small town. I had had sex with his brother one time several years before and I thought, if he IS the one, I don't want this to come out later and ruin things. So one night while lying in bed together I softly told him. He was quiet for a moment then softly said "I already knew. "
It was never mentioned again and we were married almost 39 years when he passed away 💔 in 2021. He was the best man I ever knew and was truly the love of my life.
1) 1:42 sexual details about your past partners
2) 3:04 things you hate about yourself
3) 4:22 insecurities about the relationship
4) 6:14 judgment thoughts about your partner
5) 7:28 shame stories
Super Good Advice!
Woops to late for me
Or that you are on a diet. Add to #2. Years ago men might not notice you are carrying extra weight until you tell him albeit there days women are so obese they may not even get a date to begin with.
Thank you
Oops told him all of that (except #4) within the first month lol
I’ve got the sweetest, caring and authentic partner that likes me for me!
Never tell him your weak spots, or trigger points. At first he may avoid them in order to love bomb you, and then use them to abuse you. Never give them the weapon to hurt you with.
Don't stay with a narcissist.
@@SamStone1964 40 percent of men and women are narcissists. I've been through all of them since childhood
True
@@jennifersmykala1108 Wrong. That percentage is highly inaccurate and you pulled it out of your a$$.
That has EVERYTHING to do with the kind of man you're with. 🙄
Before we married, I disclosed to my future husband about a 1 time indiscretion that had happened more than 20 years before in my first marriage. He knew I deeply regretted it. We never discussed it again. But 20 years later when he divorced me to marry the 17 year younger woman that he had a child with on our 10th wedding anniversary, he felt the need to call my Grandmother, my ex husband and each of my adult children to tell them about my past 1 night stand!
Warning: even if your partner is asking about past sexual stuff, just don't tell them no matter what. I dated and quickly married a Borderline male, and I made the mistake of giving in to his multiple requests for past sexual stuff, and he ended up weaponizing that information to torture me with through the remainder of the short marriage. Huge mistake.
Wow, same. Exactly the same. I’m in the middle of a divorce. I had more experience than my borderline spouse. I spent years dealing with this.
SAME!! I spent the first year ignoring and avoiding my ex-bf's repeated interrogative questions (more like demands) about my sexual experiences in a previous relationship. After being repeatedly broken down and interrogated for months I finally briefly told him about one very average nothing-crazy experience that I didn't enjoy, and I made sure to casually say it while complimenting my ex-bf to ensure that his ego wouldn't become bruised. It made things 10 times worse! Over the following year, my ex-bf would constantly bring it up, especially during fights or times of intimacy, and used that knowledge to torment me. It was awful.
@@greenlean8890he sounds like a real turd. He sounds like a very weak minded man.
Thank you for another great video, Mat, but I strongly disagree with #5. A communicable/transmissible disease should be disclosed very early on, well prior to intimacy, as it is a deal breaker for many people. Why waste your and their time by not being transparent about something that has the potential to impact their health in the future? I work I in Family Medicine and see the devastating emotional impact of STD’s in the unknowing, made even worse when their partner has not been honest about it. It can destroy trust, and without trust, there is no healthy relationship. .
Going into a relationship only thinking about sex creates barriers to cultivating intimacy. Sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. A huge issue in our society today is our obsession with sex which is why so many relationships fail. People rail against the idea of abstaining from sex before creating an intimate bond with another person, but it is literally the antidote to many relational problems. Placing timelines on intimate activity is a huge red flag and sign of emotional immaturity and a good indicator that you should likely not be sexually active.
I am torn about some of the comments about the herpes example. I mean, if you care enough about the man to marry him and it's in sickness and in health, then I think once getting a thorough explanation on how to manage the condition from your health care provider (I am one too) then it's something the two of you will navigate together. It is not life-threatening. I understand the feeling of being tricked, in a way, and that you want to know up front as part of the trust and intimacy, so I advocate for people doing so. But people are human, and they get scared to talk about herpes. Before hiv came along, herpes was the number one virus problem in the US with millions of dollars allocated to finding a vaccine. All of that got shifted to combating hiv historically and now herpes is this quiet dilemma that no one talks about. Very very common. Only doctors know how common
No I agree with Matt 100%
@@SmittyTra-tra It’s not to single out those with Herpes, the message is that one should disclose prior to sexual intimacy that they have a communicable disease, regardless of the nature.
100% Correct
I've never regretted NOT telling some boyfriend unflattering details about my past self. Because you never know where a relationship might go. Even if you both fall in love & get married, & you think it's okay that you trusted him & "shared;" things can still go ary in a marriage. And one day, your little old secret might be used to a smear you in court during a divorce battle. Never arm ANYONE against you! It might feel good to unburdon yourself, & to feel that you can fully trust someone. But I'm afraid it's an illusion. Half of marriages fail. And you never know when love could turn into a war.
I have hsv 2. Got it from the guy I was married to who didn’t tell me. I have battled this intensely in my life because of the emotional trauma it caused. It no longer affects me, is not life threatening and is something I simply live with. I agree with Matt, wait until the time is right. Many people you are not going to continue dating and they don’t need to know. I used to tell people right away. Now I wait until I know that I enjoy spending time with this person and that we want the same things. I tell someone because 1. I don’t want to waste my time. 2. I would want to know. 3. If this scares them away they are not the right person and have weeded themselves out of my life. Matt is not saying to wait years or even a year but to wait until there is more of a connection and you decide that you would like to continue, then you tell them. And if they walk walk away, let them. The right person will accept you and love you, scars and all❤
Yes!
This is what happened to a couple of people I am close with. Infidelity left them with an unwelcome gift that many others can be critical of. I honestly don't know why people make such a big deal about herpes. It's not life-threatening and it's a mild inconvenience. Plus I've heard people that have great luck in suppressing it by managing their diets and stress levels. When one of the people I mentioned met the man they wound up marrying, after leaving the cheating and physically abusive first husband, he was great about it when she informed him of the herpes. He said, "There's nothing that could make me not love you!" - and they've been together 40 years.
There is a dating website called Positive Singles which is helpful when you find out you've been exposed or have.
@@brandyfritz1587but what if the person is afraid of contracting it from someone they like? Wouldn’t that be a fair deal breaker from preventing them from pursuing the relationship? If they can’t be intimate because the fear is turning them off sexually, that leaves the option of a sexless relationship with the two individuals involved.
@madhavi If you really and truly love someone and want to marry them, nothing will allow that fear to stand in the way. Casual sex is not casual. If you are feeling fearful, perhaps it means this person is not right for you and that you are trying to become sexual with someone you have no real connection with. Yes, it would be responsible of you to walk away before getting more entangled with someone if you are feeling fearful and this is a deal breaker for you. It's never wise to ignore how you're feeling about a situation.
I think insecurities can be caused by past relationship trauma and I think it is completely appropriate to communicate with your partner about it so that they are not caught off guard if you react to something they say about that insecurity. For example, I got bullied for having hairy arms as a girl and when my husband asked if I ever considered shaving it, I started crying because I was already insecure about it. What then? Just lie and say I’m crazy? No, he has a right to know WHY. Sorry, but I think there are exceptions.
That's true sometimes you need to tell him your insecurities for him to give you assurance for you
yes and you also know when you’ve got a monster on your hands, if they “tease” or try to shame you about an insecurity they know you have! So it’s a win/win… you feel protected if they look out for you and you know to get away if they don’t because it’s a very clear sign of someone not fit to be a partner
Totally agree!
@@juneelle370 yes i did tell him my insecurities and doubts and that made him doubt me too but we resolved this by being open and honest communication
@@airishviscara2326 💜 good~ and still always keep intuition on fleek for yourself and act on it
I do not necessarily agree with the last point.
Letting the partner get close enough and attached enough to later tell them about a contagious, lifelong disease could be considered a devious act and a betrayal.
(Thoughts from an outside perspective)
I agree - this could be a dealbreaker to some people, and holding off until the other person has become emotionally attached can be really devastating to him/her
It should be illegal.
@@richerDiLefto research how common it is and how often doctors don’t even test for it in std panels for that reason and then tell me it should be illegal. It can also be asymptomatic (especially in men). Still think it should be illegal ?
I agree, withholding anything that could affect the partners' life to ensnare them is a narcissistic trait. I wasted 12yrs with someone who omitted telling me health issues and I wanted to help him solve it when I realized something was wrong. He refused to see Dr or specialists until I left. I was stuck with someone who ensnared me and my misplaced loyalty kept me there far too long trying to help as anyone would do if their partner would end up sick but this was ongoing BEFORE we met and not dealt with nor willing to be either. I had no intimacy due to his health issues and he was NOT willing to fix it ruined what I thought I was working on, a family. i felt dead inside, it took me yrs to recover. I didn't date for 4 yrs after that and very cautiously. My dream of having a family was also destroyed. No one should be put in this situation.
@@Heidi_137
So 😢 sad? How are you now ?
-sexual details about others
-what you hate about yourself physically etc
-insecurities about the relationship/fishing for validation
-judgement/critical thoughts of him
Thank you!
Thank you
Not sharing about exes and former sexual experiences is vital, even if they are sharing theirs with you. Their sharing is not an invitation to do likewise.
Exactly!
🤣
STDs must be informed ASAP. ASAP. ASAP.
If you have an STD you probably shouldn’t be dating in the first place.
Not loving yourself while expecting someone else to, is at the root of sharing your personal insecurities and the things you dislike about yourself. Casting those to the side is avoiding a much deeper issue that will permeate all aspects of all of your relationships, platonic or romantic. It is also how we get trapped in codependance. Self-validation, responsibility and accountability begets self-forgiveness which is the ultimate pathway to love of self and love for others.
Well said, Nicole ❣️
I laid it all out on the table when I realized I needed him to know it all before committing deeper into a relationship with him. A "this is me, if it's too much for you, here's your out, but I need you to know it all."
That was the day I saw his demeanor change and our relationship really started.
I don't let him know when I'm feeling insecure. I handle it within. Especially when he has not done anything to cause it.
Such a good video! I have noticed with men (when I didn't realise I shouldn't share this yet) - guys don't really notice your flaws until you point them out, after that they start focusing on it. Since I've kept those thoughts to myself, it has definitely changed my dating life tremendously + helped me build more confidence within myself. Likewise, I get very turned off if a man is too openly insecure -- there is nothing sexier than confidence in both men and women 100%
I agree, Jenna❣️ Men don’t often notice the physical flaws that I see. Being confident, friendly, kind and loving gets a man’s attention much readily than being apologetic & insecure.
Ppl notice everything but if you dont find it a problem they cant trigger you
This is so good, Mat! As a woman who has been married for 14 years, these are the most damaging things we have ever done in our relationship. I love the wisdom of this.
I’ve shared way too much way too soon to one who wasn’t going to protect anything. I’ve done that in the past, too.
The herpes topic had better be brought up asap.
I was married to a “man” who informed me ON THE WEDDING NIGHT he had it. ( no sex prior to that night).
That killed the whole marriage. I just wanted him gone. I felt tricked into that marriage. I WAS tricked into that marriage.
Viral shedding happens all the time, not just when he would have a breakout.
Save yourself from medical problems and speak out, so you don’t waste time in your life.
What a nightmare to be told something like that on your wedding night. He absolutely should have told you before you said "I do." So what in the world did you do at that point? I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
A former (female) friend of mine w/it swore she would never tell a man she had it unless and until he was her husband, already sleeping together or not! I don’t know how these people live with themselves.
Omg. That is .... I can't even ....... wow. I am so sorry that happened to you. I am SO sorry.
I was tricked into marriage to a man who did the same thing! Bait and switch! All trust was gone. He put my health at risk because of his own selfish reasons and wanting to avoid any and all conflict. I will not forgive that behavior.
A friend of mine just tested positive for oral Herpes Simplex II (Herpes usually found in the genital area) because of having unprotected oral sex with a man with Herpes Simplex II but who did NOT have any outward appearance of lesions, NOR had he disclosed that he was positive for Herpes Simplex II. She now has this virus for life. Granted, she took antiviral meds which cleared her active acute infection, but it certainly brings home your point about viral shedding.
I’ve made the mistake of disclosing too much, too early. I appreciate this reminder before I start opening up myself to dating again
Oh boy, Anna, me too! I tested the online dating waters recently after a looong marriage, and wound up over sharing (via text 🤪) and scared the poor guy off! Now I’m just trying to shake off my embarrassment! 😆. I’m glad I’m not the only one! Thanks for sharing. Good luck! 🍀 ❤
You never cease to amaze me with each subject. I think I’ve heard them all, then you come up with another one that I’ve never heard brought to light before on youtube. I’m so glad you’re team encouraged you to bring it up. Thank you for explaining each sensitive topic so well, it made a lot of sense and was valuable information.
I’m newly single after 40 years of marriage to a wonderful man who I love with all my heart, still…he passed away a few months ago. I’m not ready for anything romantic just yet but watching your vids helps me to learn about how the dating scene is so different from when I was single before. Thanks for educating me.
Dating nowadays really sucks. I’m sorry you have to be out in this jungle.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry. I hope you're alright. ❤
❤❤
Would he care if you got with another man? I'm sure he is with you spiritually since you loved each other.
Oh please. There's a difference between secrets your partner has a right to know, and "none of your damn business." And no one is obligated to share the latter.
Yeah I honestly think these are all things one should share with their partner, if you want to be loved, accepted, and supported, wholly for who you are. None of these topics should be feared.. and if they are, if anything, keeping these secrets drives a wedge, not the other way around. You should have no secrets from each other. No topic should be off limits. You want to know each other inside and out. That is how true intimacy happens.
If someone knows everything about you, and still loves and accepts you for who you are, that is more valuable than being loved for a version of yourself absent of these things.
Also, there's nothing wrong with needing validation.
Agreed. I think Mat is saying don't tell a man all these things right at the very beginning, to wait until he's gotten to know you and cares about you. If a man cares about you, then no topic should be off-limits.
i dont care what man think of me anymore. Being myself is the most freeing feeling ever.
Agree with this. I wanted to know everything about my husband. I offered to share my past but he didn’t want to know. It is good either way. This was early on and has stayed fine with us 40 years and counting.
This was a terrific video, thank you very much.
In my opinion, STDs should be discussed early on. Regardless of if a terrific connection has been built, even if it has been, it doesn't mean the person is willing and able to deal with that dynamic. I think being up front and honest at an early stage it is important for trust and safety moving forward.
Scarlett Francesca
Omg you are so right. For the longest time I kinda felt like an asshole but on the first date I always ask what the status of the person I'm talking to is, like i always asks what is their std/sti and hiv status is and follow my gut.
A lot of people told me that im an asshole but I feel like it's a very important topic to have during the very beginning stages of dating.
I went on a date with a guy once and I asked him what his status was and he said he was clear, but my gut told me he was lying, than as the night went on he finally confessed he had genital herpes.
I'm glad he told me the truth but im even more glad I followed my instincts and didn't touch him sexually or let him touch me sexually.
Depends if you are getting sexual first date. Otherwise you are sharing private info with someone who may be planning on ghosting you after one date anyway.
As someone who didn't grow up with any healthy relationships as examples I appreciate your work. I've worked to heal and grow myself and now that I feel ready for a partner you're helping me learn how to pour the new me into a healthier situation and stop repeating patterns.
Gonna be honest, based on the title of this video I came in expecting to hate it... But I ended up agreeing with every point. Ultimately what you're describing aren't "secrets," what you're describing is how to have good judgement about how emotional intimacy develops in a relationship. I really loved the acorn analogy!
Some still lie spilling out there secrets
A guy I used to date let me fall in love with him and after I opened my heart to him told me he had hepatitis C. We struggled in and out ofbthe relationship. I could never get closer and it never eorked out. We both had brojen hearts and wasted time
Thank you, Mat!
Telling about the way you feel about his mom or any member of his family if negative
Hard lesson I learned .. you also marry his family
oh my God, this. You don't just marry a person, you indirectly are premanently connected to everyone in their inner circle too (family and closest friends). And you have to deal with all their relational dynamics, good or bad. Look for someone who knows what healthy boundaries are. Dear Lord.
I was dating someone who kept a huge secret from me (porn addiction) I knew something was off. Broke up with him because the entire time we were together was a complete lie.
Included in #1 is details or fielding questions about how many men you’ve had sex with. Answering this question or bringing it up is a LOSE-LOSE result! I once felt badgered into answering that question and it does not matter what the number is, if someone is insecure enough to ask it, they will hold your number over your head forevermore as a badge of shame… oh, and then not tell you what their number is. Yes, this was an adult “man”
Matt, this video needs to go viral. 100% .
I wish someone had explained things, in this way, yeaaars ago! So many hurt people self-sabotage without even realizing it. So, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
Yep last one I dont agree with. Some people can be a carrier of STDs that are dormant but they're susceptible to giving it to others with no obvious symptoms from themselves for their whole life. Once you have genital warts for instances you are always a carrier. I know they tell you that's not true but it's a lie. I felt so strongly on this that I did my thesis on this. I asked a consultant once why everyone wasnt told this and he said because everyone would panic.
Sounds like a great reason to get vaccinated against HPV.
Well, try getting everyone who has ever had a 'cold sore' to explain to everyone they date that they have a potentially STD, even though they may have only had one outbreak or 'I only get it when it's cold out'. At the end of the day, there is no way to ever begin to convince everyone that herpes is herpes is herpes. Some people never date again after a 'cold sore' and some are oblivious, and then there are those who claim 'ingrown hair'. Meanwhile, getting paperwork is your best bet and if they won't do that, nope out.
Isn't it like 80% of people have the virus anyway?
Thoughtful advice, thank you! I wouldn't share how I feel about my partner's family, unless I remain centered, compassionate, objective, and loving toward each of us, all at the same time.
Good points. But I don’t understand why people feel they can’t be open and honest. I agree with not saying sexual things with other people. But I believe you should be honest. It’s hard to remember lies …. Unless your lies have become truths.
This is excellent! I've been married over 42 years and have been struggling with these points 1-4 in the last couple of months since a crisis we had. I SO needed to hear this!
Just like not talking about your sexual experiences with exes, I feel you shouldn’t talk about the amount of sexual partners either. I feel like for most men, one is too many 😂. Also it seems to lead to more questions, that they don’t really want the answer to.
So true 👍 plus any more than 2 sexual partners seems to be classed as "promiscuous" these days. This is just going off other youtube shorts I watch.
I love your suggestion about casting aside critical thoughts and CHOOSING to think about things you like about yourself instead! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! I never stopped to think about critical thoughts being amplified by focusing on them; or the way they PREVENT CLOSENESS between me and my partner. i THINK YOU JUST CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THE BETTER!!!!!
Thank you Mat. I had a sense that these things hurt my husbands heart and really are just destructive insecure thoughts and fears because I have never been loved like this before. I don’t want him to pay for destructive behavior from anyone in my past. It reinforces that I need time with a Councelor again and girl time… so I don’t bring in the very thing I fear. Thank you 🙏🏻♥️
I would love to have clarified for us whether even in a long-term relationship people should avoid sharing insecurities. Not suggesting being obsessive, but if you have a long-standing inner struggle against an insecurity and you don’t share it with your best friend, what is *meant* by intimacy, anyway?
Thank you Mat. I was in a relationship for 17 years. The person did not share until after 5 years they were taking medication to help with ED. He decided to stop taking the medication and said nothing. I thought it was me and he let me believe this for several years. Only discovered it accidentally by overhearing him with a friend. Made so much sense, but by then felt it was too late. We had grown so far apart. Felt it was such a betrayal and cruel to make me feel inadequate. He also had many anger issues develope the last couple of years. I left and am working to open myself to a future with beautiful possibilities. Please keep posting these nuggets of knowledge on relationships. ❤
Sweet Mat, life taught me a thing or two. People never change. Anything about him that she does not like - even if it does not happen frequently - this is how he is. What she may want to do - experiment. Be very nice and appreciative to him. Express appreciation for many things he does or says, everything flattering. If she sees improvement in his behavior - then she may decide to continue the relationship for a while, and see. If her appreciative attitude does not change what she does not like in him - say bye-bye or stay, but know what you have and take this from there.
I thought this was an excellent list. I would simply add that patience is the key in most relationships in the beginning. Many people want to dive in and spend all their time, money and emotional energy so quickly, but it is better to pace yourself.
I think this.... If the relationship is strong and meant to be ....don't filter your thoughts or what you want to talk About. Be yourself. True commitment means acceptance..... so if want to discuss insecurities etc...do it. Sharing sexual past...I think is a smart idea not a bad idea .
I like people to be open and to accept my openess as well. This is just my opinion
💯 👍🏻
Definitely agree. If I have to filter myself in a relationship with a person I want to live the rest of my life with it's not worth even being in the relationship.
I am open minded like you. However, I've found that when I'm too open & honest about my true feelings, it comes back to bite me later.
Also talking negative about something about yourself, that thing that you really don’t like about yourself might just be the thing that your partner totally adores. Your partner loves you for YOU and everything about you, try to rest in that and just be present in the moment❤️
My partner has birth marks all over his body and he’s self conscious about them, for me they are stars and I often write poetry about them, they make him totally unique and the spots on his neck is one of the first details I noticed about him❤️
Keeping inside all of my critical thoughts about myself is like putting me in front of donuts and telling me not to eat them. 😆
Learn to really LOVE yourself, and it is easier to love and accept (and forgive) others.
This video offers an insightful perspective on the importance of setting boundaries and protecting oneself in relationships. While it's important to be open and honest with a partner, there are certain personal details that may be better kept to oneself. It's empowering to know that as women, we have the power to choose what we share with our partners and what we keep private. This video is a great reminder to prioritize our own well-being and not sacrifice our boundaries in the pursuit of a relationship.
It is absolutely not necessary to share the number of partners you had in the past. The important thing now is the future you have with your loving man. It is also good to learn from our past experiences without dragging any negative resonance into our new relationship. ♥
This was a really difficult question to answer, but I'm glad your team encouraged you to look at some answers because you handled this really well. Thank you.
It becomes more difficult with age to be connecting to someone who is like you for the long-term
I've done everyone so has he. Knew each other 5 years finally dated and then married. We told each other when we were first getting to know each other.
Add to #2.. telling him what you feel are your flaws, he may not see those as flaws, in fact he might actually like those things about you, and presenting them over and over as flaws will not only give him negative things to say to you if that were ever to come up, he could also begin seeing those things as flaws, and it will amplify your flaws in his mind,when maybe he didn't to begin with.
Thanks a lot for this, Matt! It’s very timely for me, as a chronic over-sharer. I’ve recently met a man and we are mutually interested in each pursuing a healthy relationship after divorces on both sides.
I’ve felt like I should refresh my thoughts and goals for how to behave in this relationship, after plenty of traumatic events in my life. It’s good to be reminded of the “oak tree” analogy regarding length and strength of the relationship being the guide for how much to share/how much the relationship can handle. So, again: thanks!
More ❤️❤️
You look better and better as time goes by.
Always think of the portion in the Miranda Rights…Anything you say will be used against you
I had asked a guy if he cheated on someone in his past and he said, yes I did but so did she". "And we were in bad terms anyway so I did". Well, with that being said, I stopped taking to him and already thought, "if I date him-he will do the same to me", so I moved on.
So I would say, Don't spill out if you have betrayed someone or semi-cheated bc I don't feel it would work out and it will always be in the back of your mind if he will do it to you. Thanks for your videos Mat. 💕
Thanks for your great input on how secrets kept due to fear create distance; and how the distance it creates can doom the relationship. I think that says it all. I believe only things relevant and important to "this relationship" should ever be shared with a new partner.
Remember ladies, loose lips sink ships!
So good! I really needed to hear that last point, about shame stories. Trust, sharing, and then intimacy is the key timeline (for my story anyway).
Thank you for the video! I only disagree with the std thing - a potential date told me about his right away to make me aware and to check if that’s going to work for me if we date. Unfortunately it didn’t work for me but I was very grateful that he shared it early on and we both agreed to move on and not to waste each other’s time.
This sounds like a unicorn experience. That man sounds like a saint all-things-considered. As much as it's a turn-off that he had an STD, it's rare to find someone who values the other person enough to protect them from it. The respect he showed you is award-winning.
I once told a guy that I wanted to be in a relationship with, that "not being , " religious " was a deal breaker for me. He ran away so fast, I saw smoke on the bottom of his shoes ! 😆😆 lesson learned.
If it's a deal breaker, at least you didn't waste time.
What was the lesson learned? Would you rather have not disclosed such an important characteristic you needed/wanted in a relationship in order to have this guy? If it really was a dealbreaker, you should be happy to have found out he did not value it the same. You sound sad though. I don't think you know what you want.
Exactly, you have to know if someone is going to protect your heart and not use it to throw at you in a fight to use as a dirty ammunition when you most need love and compasión for very painful experiences.
Also to remember not everyone is mature enough and when you find it they fight dirty that’s the time to know that’s NOT going to change.
Hey take it from an old lady, lived 40 years in that type of relationship, I learned to protect myself and on top of that you get told “ your not being truthful or open” and they can’t trust you, total projection of themselves.
I believe in keeping the family together so there were aspects of my marriage I knew could never change, you make the best of it and you keep your self respect!
Yes, especially, do not speak about your insecurities.
I love your videos. If you come from a wealthy family, especially if you are a woman until the time is right. I say this just to make sure that a relationship is established first, steady and secure.
Only thing I said right off was I have kids and don’t want more 😂
Love that acorn-to-oak-tree analogy to trust in relationships!
Don't share the fact you plan on getting relationship advice outside of the relationship.
Don't share intimate details of others who took you into their confidence.
Don't share how you betrayed others confidence
All these things make a partner nervous about how you portray the relationship or them to others. They will not share intimacy with someone who is duplicitous, judgemental, and caniving.
Big money dream ideas. I learned that when it comes to dreaming of acquiring things, women tend to hear “a flight of fancy or just an exciting dream. Men seem to automatically go into provider mode and this isn’t good, because as a woman your expressing a thought not an actual “ask”. Like stopping into an open house or looking at things at an auction. I learned to preface things with “this is a flight of fancy”. It takes the pressure of him and he can just look around too. 😊
There's wisdom in not disclosing certain things like specific details of your sexual experiences; your body count; highlighting your physical faults; and how badly you allowed your exes to treat you
Well, I'm engaged and my fiancee is one of those guys that have a keen intuition to who they want to be with for the rest of their lives. There's been nothing shocking for him about me. Everything no matter how distasteful, he has handled it and hasn't lost his hunger for my attention. So, I'm not anxious with him. I don't feel like asking him many questions. He gives me a minute ever so often, but EVERYDAY, and that's what I needed.
What a nice guy. Hight Emotional Intelligence. So empathetic and articulate 💫 Thankyou
1. Sexual details with past partners.
2. Sharing things you hate about yourself.
3. Sharing insecurities about the relationship.
4. Your judgement thoughts about your partner.
5. Your shame stories.
These all, imho, are 100% dead on. As a middle aged couple with past lives, it's best not to be playing mini movies in your head. The past is the past. Focus on the moment you're in.
Jealousy over the past is real. That green eyed monster can destroy the good, real, moments if the relationship you're in.
We don't focus on our pasts at all. Unless of course its something we learned and feel will help us.
It was the “shame stories” for me Matt.. this advise blessed so many I’m sure♥️♥️♥️🌸🌸🌸
I agree the absolute worst thing you can do is to tell your new person about all your sexual experiences it will come back at you. It will always be in his head
Most men don’t want to hear about other men!
I agree with what you said Matt. I agree it should stay out of your relationship. If he don't ask don'y tell. Negative energy is not good for a relationship. No insecurities should be brought to a relationship. Judgement calls on your partner or the other way around isn't something you should do. It does take time to earn trust. ❤❤🎉🎉
I told a guy that I met through online speed dating that I've never been in a relationship before. I told him I'm willing to learn and grow. He was intrigued but I guess lost interest because I was so green.
Thank you Mat as always!!! Good nuggets here for all! Keep breathing and believing in ourselves and the vibration will come back to us. Trust is the key 🔑 ❤🎉
For myself…I would never share a terrible thing that I did in the distant passed that isn’t up building…this can only serve to make your partner think of the possibly that I might do such a thing in the future…now mind you…there are things I’m not proud of that should never be brought up or shared… solely because of the terrible nature of the action…so, I base what I share in that atmosphere…is it up building?
I disagree with the not revealing insecurities/fears about the relationship. If your partner won't/can't reassure you about things, then that suggests a lack of hope and team work. Your partner should reassure you, just as you both reassure each other about other things in life.
When i was dateing my husband i told him i had been raped multiple times by a family member. He was sorry it had happend to me but he never mentioned it after i told him we were married quickly. We met in January we got engaged in March and got married in june all in the same year. We were married 54 years. He died in October 2022. We had a wonderfull marriage and we were truly happy together.
What not to share? A man threatened to get even with me for rejecting his indecent proposal and then telling his then girlfriend about it by threatening to paint me nude (with my boyfriend's blood). I told my boyfriend, leaving out the parenthetical prepositional phrase, and he called the police to ask them to stop the guy. They did, we've been married almost two decades now, and I feel like I should tell him because I feel guilty but don't have the nerve. I exposed him to danger because I thought, rightly, that he could handle it, but I feel guilty for having done it. I don't see that he has anything to gain from finding out, so I ignore the selfish urge to tell him.
I agree with ALL these five points! I wish I had known all of them in my younger days. Thanks for sharing, I am sure these will help a lot of people.
34 years married before we spoke about other partners, not what we got up too though. Always used to say past is past. They made me think he's something to hide. Lol. Found out that he'd had a threesome age 21. Was worried someone else would tell. I just laughed and said good for you. We all keep secrets.
I agree with all except the having a std. it could be a dealbreaker for the other person and it’s fair that they should know so they can make a decision early on rather it’s something they want to move forward with or pass. Why invest so much only to find out something that significant that would inevitably cause heartache? I think it should be disclose early on.
I like how you said spewing negativities,
For example oh, I hate my thighs I hate my hair I hate I hate instead of while I do have some insecurities but I prefer not to talk about it and I am working on them. And I'm learning to love myself as I am.
I cant begin to express how grateful i am for this video, thank u, Thank u so much, u r a heaven sent🙏
Ok. #1 is correct. But, not if he WANTS to know.
Complete honesty with my husband has made us more and more close over 43 years.
I do agree that knocking myself isn’t helpful at all with our closeness. And, honestly he’s sick to death of hearing about my life long diet.
Coming from a family of overweight women, though I’m not technically overweight, but I yo-yo about 20 lbs.
I can see in his face he’s sick of hearing about it. Lol.
Letting off steam once in a while about little irritations can be healthy as long as you don’t hit below the belt.
Great stuff, Matt. . I don't believe that a woman should ever tell her partner that she is afraid that it's too good to be true. Also I have been wanting to ask you this for a long time. Can you please change the outro music? It is very mercurial and childish. Nothing to do with women and mature subjects. Many thanks again!🙏
Some things you should never tell your partner are secrets that you're keeping from them. This creates distance in the relationship and prevents true connection. Other things you shouldn't share are things that wouldn't bring the relationship closer together. Sharing out of kindness and respect is always better than sharing out of fear.
I don't understand your comment. I tell my husband absolutely everything. I can't keep secrets from him. So I don't understand what you mean by this comment. My husband and I are very close and happy with each other.
I wouldn’t want to share anything with my husband that would hurt him.
I strongly disagree with negative reinforcing yourself of all the parts of yourself you don't like, it doesn't build confidence, it damages the self esteem and if you start doing this as a woman how would you feel if your child copies you and then they start to hate parts of their bodies and you've just passed that on because children are like mini mes of you and they don't need to go on some crazy diet to make extreme changes or take a pill. I always think to focus on what you do like about yourself bringing your confidence up instead of down because even in a relationship it upsets your partner to know this is the way you feel about yourself when they see you as beautiful
1. Sexual details about your past partners
2. Sharing things you dislike about yourself
3. Insecurities about the relationship - doubts and fears when it's "too good"
4. Judgmental thoughts about your partner
5. Sharing your shame stories
I had a guy point out that his brothers teased him about his big head…honestly, I never noticed it before that confession and then I sadly couldn’t unsee it after.