2 years this week since D - day. 38 year marriage- Christian husband. Porn ,sexting and dating sites. STILL have triggers- bra adds, bathing suit adds and almost ALL movies, women with low shirts. When does this HELL end? So angry that my life has forever changed.
Loree J Oh dear I can completely relate to your triggers. Married for 35 years and have been dealing with porn, sexting and hook up sites too. My biggest trigger are certain emojis used in the sexting and college aged young women. I am not sure when the triggers will end but I hope that day is in the near future. Best of luck to you and all of us women dealing with these issues.
As the betrayer, your spouse knows you are dealing with triggers and if they are in the right mindset they are probably sitting there praying you would speak to them about it. They don't want to talk about it at all, trust me! But they want to speak to you and hear you. The hard part is only feeding your partner the amount of resentment they have earned and understanding that some of the resentment is actually just built up frustrations. I'm no expert and make no claims to be but I do understand the feelings I have had. Stay strong and make sure you count to 10, sometimes we create our worst problems simply by not counting to 10
My wife and her affair partner would go to the movie house and watch a movie and makeout. I can now no longer go to movies with her...she tells me to get over it but I can't. I cannot go to the movies anymore with her. She tells me I'm crazy but to me it's a trigger of her infedelity.
totally understandable Kevin. for now, probably wise to stay away from movies. maybe, in time with work and healing, you may be able to one day. if not, now a days you can watch movies at home easily brother. so glad you're here and hope the videos help you.
My (long-term) boyfriend went to Starbucks more than once with his AP. Every time i see a Starbucks, I’m triggered. He also sent her an edible arrangement so I’m triggered when i see those or the stores. I can go from having a perfectly good day and a trigger sends me into depression, sobbing or resentment & anger. This happens when i’m well-rested as well as when I’m tired. It seems to be totally random.
@@DarkerSideOfDawn same with me. I got over it once we changed churches. Because my wife confessed in our church pastor office with him there, I will never go and meet a pastor to this day.
Just started watching a bunch of the videos. I am very happy to have found this channel. 20 and a mother of a new born. My spouse and I have come from dark places and we are on our way to recovery.
These videos have been so helpful for me to not feel so alone and have a better understanding of myself and what Im going through, and also what my unfaithful partner is feeling. I feel so hurt that he came back promising he would do whatever it takes, but then continues doing things that upset me and says im being rediculous with my requests for safety and security. I have never felt so broken in my life. He tells me I'm dwelling on the past. I only found out a few months ago and have had several leaks of new information and been lied to that each time that was it. I have friends telling me to stop letting the pain consume me. I am struggling. It hurts me he isnt respecting my feelings and earning my trust back 😭💔
Stephanie have the two of you gotten any counseling? It helps immensely. It will help him really see what this is doing to you and help him understand what it is he needs to be doing to repair the relationship. You need a therapist that specializes in affair recovery. I wish the best of luck to you. It’s the hardest thing to go through in life. Changes everything. And the pain is damn near physical.
it's been almost six months since the D-day. We had some really great moments in last couple of months... but, in last two weeks or so we both were so busy with works and other stuff that i couldn't talk to her about some issues which were bothering me... in those two weeks i was dealing with so many reminders and triggers. and finally 2 days ago we started to talk about it... and i lost my cool, i exploded....these were all building up inside me in those two weeks... Now, we're not talking again... every time i want to text her, my ego says, "she's the one who should be texting you, she's the one who should come forward and clarify your confusions"
Funny how I came upon this particular video/topic right now. I went to the beach with my husband. He was out paddle boarding while I was on the beach reading. I don't paddle board but his AP did. That's how they met. Every time I saw a woman on a paddle board I couldn't help but to get completely triggered and feel rage. Well, today as my husband was loading his board back into tne truck, a woman walked by with her paddle board. I asked him if he wanted me to make myself scarce so he could get her phone number. Seeing a female paddleboarder no longer has the same effect on me. I was joking with him and he knew it. I wasn't trying to be cruel, we actually both started laughing. I was feeling some progress. Triggers are the absolute worst!
One of the things I've noticed is that during intimatacy, I have a hard time being in the moment because I'm thinking about how my H was with the AP. It was horrible.
1st time she cheated, it was on our birthdays (literally 4 days apart) she snuck off with him for 18days...over our birthdays... She apologized endlessly and says she wanted to fix us... Made tons of promises... Then disapeared a week before Christmas...came back on the 26th of Dec...told me she was just frustrated with the kids, needed time alone to read the Bible etc... Found out a couple of weeks ago, she was with him again over Christmas... He posted a photo on Facebook of himself in Hot Springs, when she was... I love her, I've been truly loyal (funny but loyalty is really important to me, it's a value I thought was important for me to have) we've been together for 13 years... I thought she was my "perfect"... But damn! Our Birthdays and Christmas? I'm so lost. Please pray for me, I have nothing left. I just don't know what to do, or where I'm at! A heart attack would feel better. Sorry for rambling. TNGN! Not such a big bad outlaw
I noticed this was posted a year ago. I hope you are doing better since then. I feel your pain. My husband was with his AP during Christmas and New Years 20-21 and valentines 2021. He was isolating at hotel due to covid and I was at home with the kids. However, he stayed at a hotel 3 weeks with his AP who was also his coworker. We’ve been together for 11 years and I feel so devastated. I know for sure these coming holidays will be major triggers for me. I found out about the affair in March.
Unfortunately, my wife works at the same place as her affair partner, not the same office but same business and the department's cross over work often so close enough. Every day that she goes to work is a damn trigger. It happened 5 years ago, (5 years ago TODAY as a matter of fact) and was a "one time thing"... but I literally just found out less than 2 weeks ago. It's "in the past" for her, but for me, it might as well have just happened! It's making it really, really hard to deal with.
Daniel Howard It’s about that long here, too. Same thing. Even though the AP quit some time ago after he dumped her and he wouldn’t even look at her, it’s tough for me because he still works there and even put the job ahead of me.
It still hurts but a one time thing is easier to overcome. I am not condoning it. But a long term affair is so much to digest that even with forgiveness the pain never goes away. I am sorry you are going through this hurt.
Samuel, I’m 10 months into D-Day and I remember watching this in the beginning and it making no sense, now it makes PERFECT sense and is incredibly helpful. Thank you!
I TOTALLY take the bait and do more damage when something happens. It seems like we get into a very normal argument that most marriages struggle with, but i will typically respond in a stupid way and suddenly a little argument turns into a feeling of hopelessness. Working on this.
it's very common and normal my friend. we call it flooding or being triggered. it's very normal. it also may be a form of ptsd that you're struggling with due to the trauma of the infidelity. these articles may help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/reminders www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders
I had to stop the vid. I understand the betrayed’s triggers. Watching this trying to get healing and understanding I’ve been triggered. Never thought about him having memories and flashbacks of his time with her. I’ll try again later.
it's way to early to hope they will go away, but they can and will if you get the right help. i would look at this course: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope as well as this article: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders i'm sorry for the pain you're in my friend. with expert help, an expert driven process and time, you'll definitely get to the other side for sure. but it takes work and expert guidance.
My husband, 50 years old, went on a tour to Peru with a friend , 60 yrs old. He had a complete mental affair with this women 52-he told me she was better than me in every way. but is sorry and wants to work on our marriage. I see videos posted by the tour group of them interacting here on youtube, and instagram. I'm mercilessly compeled to watch them-even tho its horrifying and brings my life to a complete stop. I'm going to be forever stuck in this hell of triggers and i feel totally helpless. ..... I cannot go and I cannot stay
In these moments some bible principles that can help: "Never be anxious about tomorrow for tommorow will have its own anxieties." Also, "There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk."- Proverbs 15:22
I feel triggered every time she tells me no. Because I hear her tell him yes. I get every answer cant be a yes and I understand that. But an overwhelming amount of no s from the betrayer is unhealthy to the betrayed
My husband and I are 6 weeks out from D-Day. His infidelity happened in our home, so my entire house is a trigger. At times I can’t even walk through my front door without being flooded. It’s very difficult.
The same is with me. Many years ago my wife had a 7 year affair. Once they had sex on our couch. When she told me I gave the couch away and had considered selling the house and moving. Still here but never a day that I am not reminded of that. Good news is that pain lessens and I hope for you that it lessens quickly.
Define “early on”? How many months, years do you or other professionals define “early on” as? “Dealing with 80-100 triggers every day... early on”. I’m 18 months out & still have TONS that I cannot move past
you're pretty far down the road to have that many triggers. i would consult an expert as you may have PTSD from it all and need help. to have that many triggers on a daily basis is awful i'm sure, but they won't just go away. typically, early on means between two weeks and somewhere around 6 months.
My boyfriend cheated on me in a hotel 2 blocks from my college....I see everyday to and from in my commute and have severe anxiety. I feel it taunting me, images start playing over and over, over and want to burn it down. How can I overcome this?!
this is a course you can take to heal: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope if you feel like it's really traumatizing you, you'll want to pursue healing through a trauma care model like ETT, or EMDR for trauma which will be administered by a licensed professional. here are some thoughts on reminders as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders
Hi Samuel, my husband had an affair 2 years ago, and d-day just happened on Oct 11th of this year. During the last 2 years we fought so much, and so badly, that I almost left and gave up in our marriage. I do have so many trigger and reminders.....I have tried to stay in the moment but, have a very hard time doing so. What can I do to help me stay in the moment and not resent him for all the things he did for his AP that he didn’t or wouldn’t do for me in the 20years we have been married?? At the beginning, when I found out about his affair, he wouldn’t allow me to talk or ask questions about it, then, as time went by, he would drip feed me as u call it. It has been a very long and very hard 2 years. Please help me as I am drowning in so much pain!!
hi there. i would do this class as it will help you get on a protocol specific to what you're facing as a betrayed spouse: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope that will help you immensely. then, i would journal for sure. i would also consider, if you feel you need it, something called emdr to help with the traumatic feelings you're experiencing due to his affair, drip feeding and prolonged hurt. the way to pull up for air is expert help, (harboring hope), finding something to escape to when you're heavily triggered like music, walking, running, punching bag, gardening, something, anything to break the fixation you feel on it all.
sometimes....not always, but you don't always have to move my friend. it's a tough challenge but i think you need to get expert help to guide you along the way. are you seeing a therapist at all?
My trigger is a Nissan Pathfinder. This was the vehicle my husband drove in 2020 and the vehicle I saw parked outside his secretary’s house in May of 2020. My “D” day - and the pain is still there but I am moving forward and can handle the triggers much better.
Hi Samuel, just wondering if you can talk about a spouse who, after three years, still will not acknowledge the affair or the pornography addiction? He deflects, he blames and he “gaslights”, meaning he just starts yelling a screaming as a mechanism so he doesn’t have to answer questions. I do understand that I can’t help him and I really have to begin the process of pulling myself away from this madness. Secondly, can you discuss that inner feeling, gut feeling, intuition that women have that let us know that deception, lies, plans being made....are there for a reason? That they are there to let us know that something is just not right? Thank you so much
hi patti. i'm sorry you're in that position. it's rough for sure. the reality is, if he won't own it or admit it, it's going to be tough to get any serious work done with him. he is doing what he's doing blaming, deflecting, etc, out of shame I bet. until he can work through that, it's going to be extremely difficult to see him change at all. that inner feeling you're experiencing is sometimes very valid. sometimes it's more nerves and anxiety, but sometimes it's very valid and to be listened to. that gut feeling ya know.... if i were you I would shift gears, empower yourself and start to work on you and no longer engage him about recovery or recovery work. obviously i'm not your therapist so take it all with a grain of salt, and seek the help you trust both professionally and confidentially my friend, but i would take care of you right now as you need healing from the trauma you've been through in all of this. so glad you're here.
Hi Charles, to speak with someone on my staff, complete the free Affair Analyzer www.affairrecovery.com/affair-analyzer-0 and leave your number at the end and someone will call you shortly.
Samuel this a a great video. I have a question. Please. If your wife has had numerous fantasy's about men in the church, you attend to the point she got a certain 'feeling" with each fantasy how can you avoid that church if say, your the Pastor? Or is there something she can do to help her mind not to wonder while she's there? Is there a phone number I can call and talk to you? I'll be more than glad to pay and hourly rate.
Is there some way that you/Rick can suggest to work through the triggers before they swoop in and send either of us flooding? When would be a good time to discuss the triggers? For me, talking about them stop them from having as much power. But we both try to ignore them when they come. In some good ways and some bad ways. It seems that ignoring them/shutting them down only leads to them popping up stronger later.
here are some helpful links: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse www.affairrecovery.com/qa-what-each-spouses-role-handling-triggers
You know what is wrong with the faith side? (And to be clear I believe in God and Jesus) but what I saw when you say « the enemy got me there » you know what happens from the unfaithfu? They tell you this « you let the enemy control you » « you should stop those thoughts with a prayer » « oh so you do not believe Jesus can take away this? you have little faith » See what is SO wrong with all of these phrases? See how wrong and destructive this can be???????? It’s like its your own fault if you have triggers because you let satan or you don’t pray enough well everything to make you have the responsibility while it all started because of the unfaithful. I would have never ever have those triggers if he didn’t cheat. So nope it is WRONG to pronounce ONE single phrase or word that make the betrayed the guilty one. It is so so wrong. I am totally broken because of this
Triggers are a real bitch!! I quietly cried through our couple's massage today because all I could think about was all of his previous online searches for erotic massages. Which only led to envisioning him getting his happy ending, althoug he swears it never happened. Though I'm thankful for seeing this video today, it's a tough night.... 😥
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This video is very helpful. I've been dealing with my triggers all damn day & I've just been feeling so resentful towards my spouse all day...sucks
Tina Marie J., Same here. Just over 2 months since DDay.
2 years this week since D - day. 38 year marriage- Christian husband. Porn ,sexting and dating sites. STILL have triggers- bra adds, bathing suit adds and almost ALL movies, women with low shirts. When does this HELL end? So angry that my life has forever changed.
Loree J Oh dear I can completely relate to your triggers. Married for 35 years and have been dealing with porn, sexting and hook up sites too. My biggest trigger are certain emojis used in the sexting and college aged young women. I am not sure when the triggers will end but I hope that day is in the near future. Best of luck to you and all of us women dealing with these issues.
As the betrayer, your spouse knows you are dealing with triggers and if they are in the right mindset they are probably sitting there praying you would speak to them about it. They don't want to talk about it at all, trust me! But they want to speak to you and hear you. The hard part is only feeding your partner the amount of resentment they have earned and understanding that some of the resentment is actually just built up frustrations. I'm no expert and make no claims to be but I do understand the feelings I have had. Stay strong and make sure you count to 10, sometimes we create our worst problems simply by not counting to 10
It's been a year and I'm dealing with my triggers as well. I hate my feelings of anger and resentment.
My wife and her affair partner would go to the movie house and watch a movie and makeout. I can now no longer go to movies with her...she tells me to get over it but I can't. I cannot go to the movies anymore with her. She tells me I'm crazy but to me it's a trigger of her infedelity.
totally understandable Kevin. for now, probably wise to stay away from movies. maybe, in time with work and healing, you may be able to one day. if not, now a days you can watch movies at home easily brother. so glad you're here and hope the videos help you.
My (long-term) boyfriend went to Starbucks more than once with his AP. Every time i see a Starbucks, I’m triggered.
He also sent her an edible arrangement so I’m triggered when i see those or the stores.
I can go from having a perfectly good day and a trigger sends me into depression, sobbing or resentment & anger. This happens when i’m well-rested as well as when I’m tired. It seems to be totally random.
For mine it was church
Same, but bowling. And cemeteries.
@@DarkerSideOfDawn same with me. I got over it once we changed churches. Because my wife confessed in our church pastor office with him there, I will never go and meet a pastor to this day.
Just started watching a bunch of the videos. I am very happy to have found this channel. 20 and a mother of a new born. My spouse and I have come from dark places and we are on our way to recovery.
so glad you're here nanami.
how are you love
These videos have been so helpful for me to not feel so alone and have a better understanding of myself and what Im going through, and also what my unfaithful partner is feeling.
I feel so hurt that he came back promising he would do whatever it takes, but then continues doing things that upset me and says im being rediculous with my requests for safety and security. I have never felt so broken in my life. He tells me I'm dwelling on the past. I only found out a few months ago and have had several leaks of new information and been lied to that each time that was it. I have friends telling me to stop letting the pain consume me. I am struggling. It hurts me he isnt respecting my feelings and earning my trust back 😭💔
Stephanie have the two of you gotten any counseling? It helps immensely. It will help him really see what this is doing to you and help him understand what it is he needs to be doing to repair the relationship. You need a therapist that specializes in affair recovery. I wish the best of luck to you. It’s the hardest thing to go through in life. Changes everything. And the pain is damn near physical.
As usual this is a lifeline. Anywhere I drive and see a Ford Escape a trigger happens.
it's been almost six months since the D-day. We had some really great moments in last couple of months... but, in last two weeks or so we both were so busy with works and other stuff that i couldn't talk to her about some issues which were bothering me... in those two weeks i was dealing with so many reminders and triggers. and finally 2 days ago we started to talk about it... and i lost my cool, i exploded....these were all building up inside me in those two weeks... Now, we're not talking again... every time i want to text her, my ego says, "she's the one who should be texting you, she's the one who should come forward and clarify your confusions"
I need my ego to help me with this 🤦🏾♂️
Funny how I came upon this particular video/topic right now. I went to the beach with my husband. He was out paddle boarding while I was on the beach reading. I don't paddle board but his AP did. That's how they met. Every time I saw a woman on a paddle board I couldn't help but to get completely triggered and feel rage. Well, today as my husband was loading his board back into tne truck, a woman walked by with her paddle board. I asked him if he wanted me to make myself scarce so he could get her phone number. Seeing a female paddleboarder no longer has the same effect on me. I was joking with him and he knew it. I wasn't trying to be cruel, we actually both started laughing. I was feeling some progress. Triggers are the absolute worst!
T Sol how did you get past that? I have so many triggers. Its sooo hard 😔
All these videos are such a help to so many. It’s refreshing to find actual fair and unbiased information on the subject.
One of the things I've noticed is that during intimatacy, I have a hard time being in the moment because I'm thinking about how my H was with the AP. It was horrible.
It would be horrible. I hope there's something on here, or on their website that can help you cope w/ that.
1st time she cheated, it was on our birthdays (literally 4 days apart) she snuck off with him for 18days...over our birthdays... She apologized endlessly and says she wanted to fix us... Made tons of promises... Then disapeared a week before Christmas...came back on the 26th of Dec...told me she was just frustrated with the kids, needed time alone to read the Bible etc... Found out a couple of weeks ago, she was with him again over Christmas... He posted a photo on Facebook of himself in Hot Springs, when she was... I love her, I've been truly loyal (funny but loyalty is really important to me, it's a value I thought was important for me to have) we've been together for 13 years... I thought she was my "perfect"... But damn! Our Birthdays and Christmas?
I'm so lost. Please pray for me, I have nothing left. I just don't know what to do, or where I'm at! A heart attack would feel better.
Sorry for rambling.
TNGN! Not such a big bad outlaw
You don't deserve her mate
Live for your kids.
You can do this
I noticed this was posted a year ago. I hope you are doing better since then. I feel your pain. My husband was with his AP during Christmas and New Years 20-21 and valentines 2021. He was isolating at hotel due to covid and I was at home with the kids. However, he stayed at a hotel 3 weeks with his AP who was also his coworker. We’ve been together for 11 years and I feel so devastated. I know for sure these coming holidays will be major triggers for me. I found out about the affair in March.
Unfortunately, my wife works at the same place as her affair partner, not the same office but same business and the department's cross over work often so close enough. Every day that she goes to work is a damn trigger. It happened 5 years ago, (5 years ago TODAY as a matter of fact) and was a "one time thing"... but I literally just found out less than 2 weeks ago. It's "in the past" for her, but for me, it might as well have just happened! It's making it really, really hard to deal with.
Daniel Howard It’s about that long here, too. Same thing. Even though the AP quit some time ago after he dumped her and he wouldn’t even look at her, it’s tough for me because he still works there and even put the job ahead of me.
It still hurts but a one time thing is easier to overcome. I am not condoning it. But a long term affair is so much to digest that even with forgiveness the pain never goes away. I am sorry you are going through this hurt.
Samuel, I’m 10 months into D-Day and I remember watching this in the beginning and it making no sense, now it makes PERFECT sense and is incredibly helpful. Thank you!
I TOTALLY take the bait and do more damage when something happens. It seems like we get into a very normal argument that most marriages struggle with, but i will typically respond in a stupid way and suddenly a little argument turns into a feeling of hopelessness. Working on this.
it's very common and normal my friend. we call it flooding or being triggered. it's very normal. it also may be a form of ptsd that you're struggling with due to the trauma of the infidelity. these articles may help:
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/reminders www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders
I do that too 😔
It's such a big "Ouch"
I love the variety of presentations that we all have...this gave me more tools....
Hard when he’s still exhibiting behaviors that indicate he might be continuing his behavior
So sorry to read this. I hope in past year it has improved.
Thank you because at this time of the season we need all the help we can get. It helps me pray for my betrayed.
I had to stop the vid. I understand the betrayed’s triggers. Watching this trying to get healing and understanding I’ve been triggered. Never thought about him having memories and flashbacks of his time with her. I’ll try again later.
It’s only been 3 months since I found out. Triggers suck. There is no intimacy because when we try all I see is him and her. When will this go away 😔
it's way to early to hope they will go away, but they can and will if you get the right help. i would look at this course: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope as well as this article: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders i'm sorry for the pain you're in my friend. with expert help, an expert driven process and time, you'll definitely get to the other side for sure. but it takes work and expert guidance.
My husband, 50 years old, went on a tour to Peru with a friend , 60 yrs old. He had a complete mental affair with this women 52-he told me she was better than me in every way. but is sorry and wants to work on our marriage. I see videos posted by the tour group of them interacting here on youtube, and instagram. I'm mercilessly compeled to watch them-even tho its horrifying and brings my life to a complete stop. I'm going to be forever stuck in this hell of triggers and i feel totally helpless. ..... I cannot go and I cannot stay
Hello! You can reach out to us at info@hope-now.com and one of our intake advisers can point you to additional resources.
@@AffairrecoveryLLC I will, thank you
Listening to this, I feel my shoulders dropping from my ears.
In these moments some bible principles that can help:
"Never be anxious about tomorrow for tommorow will have its own anxieties."
Also,
"There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk."- Proverbs 15:22
My husband is the that cheated and has the audacity to accuse me and this is a big trigger 😤 I have told him for years and he still does it
I feel triggered every time she tells me no. Because I hear her tell him yes.
I get every answer cant be a yes and I understand that. But an overwhelming amount of no s from the betrayer is unhealthy to the betrayed
My husband and I are 6 weeks out from D-Day. His infidelity happened in our home, so my entire house is a trigger. At times I can’t even walk through my front door without being flooded. It’s very difficult.
🥺 That's horrible. May plan to move out of that house? 🤷♀️
The same is with me. Many years ago my wife had a 7 year affair. Once they had sex on our couch. When she told me I gave the couch away and had considered selling the house and moving. Still here but never a day that I am not reminded of that. Good news is that pain lessens and I hope for you that it lessens quickly.
Define “early on”? How many months, years do you or other professionals define “early on” as?
“Dealing with 80-100 triggers every day... early on”.
I’m 18 months out & still have TONS that I cannot move past
you're pretty far down the road to have that many triggers. i would consult an expert as you may have PTSD from it all and need help. to have that many triggers on a daily basis is awful i'm sure, but they won't just go away. typically, early on means between two weeks and somewhere around 6 months.
I appreciate you so much. Your Christian background really speaks to me.
My boyfriend cheated on me in a hotel 2 blocks from my college....I see everyday to and from in my commute and have severe anxiety. I feel it taunting me, images start playing over and over, over and want to burn it down.
How can I overcome this?!
this is a course you can take to heal: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope if you feel like it's really traumatizing you, you'll want to pursue healing through a trauma care model like ETT, or EMDR for trauma which will be administered by a licensed professional. here are some thoughts on reminders as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders
Hi Samuel, my husband had an affair 2 years ago, and d-day just happened on Oct 11th of this year. During the last 2 years we fought so much, and so badly, that I almost left and gave up in our marriage. I do have so many trigger and reminders.....I have tried to stay in the moment but, have a very hard time doing so. What can I do to help me stay in the moment and not resent him for all the things he did for his AP that he didn’t or wouldn’t do for me in the 20years we have been married?? At the beginning, when I found out about his affair, he wouldn’t allow me to talk or ask questions about it, then, as time went by, he would drip feed me as u call it. It has been a very long and very hard 2 years. Please help me as I am drowning in so much pain!!
hi there. i would do this class as it will help you get on a protocol specific to what you're facing as a betrayed spouse: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope that will help you immensely. then, i would journal for sure. i would also consider, if you feel you need it, something called emdr to help with the traumatic feelings you're experiencing due to his affair, drip feeding and prolonged hurt. the way to pull up for air is expert help, (harboring hope), finding something to escape to when you're heavily triggered like music, walking, running, punching bag, gardening, something, anything to break the fixation you feel on it all.
What is D-Day? I could assume but I want to make sure I am reading into all of this correctly.
@@aliciamcf27 The day you find out that your partner had or is having an affair!! 😢
@@aliciamcf27 Discovery day.
What do a betrayed do if he/she lives in the same town as an affair partner? Is it a trigger that can be overcome without moving to another town?
sometimes....not always, but you don't always have to move my friend. it's a tough challenge but i think you need to get expert help to guide you along the way. are you seeing a therapist at all?
This is a helpful video!
My trigger is a Nissan Pathfinder. This was the vehicle my husband drove in 2020 and the vehicle I saw parked outside his secretary’s house in May of 2020. My “D” day - and the pain is still there but I am moving forward and can handle the triggers much better.
Hi Samuel, just wondering if you can talk about a spouse who, after three years, still will not acknowledge the affair or the pornography addiction? He deflects, he blames and he “gaslights”, meaning he just starts yelling a screaming as a mechanism so he doesn’t have to answer questions. I do understand that I can’t help him and I really have to begin the process of pulling myself away from this madness. Secondly, can you discuss that inner feeling, gut feeling, intuition that women have that let us know that deception, lies, plans being made....are there for a reason? That they are there to let us know that something is just not right? Thank you so much
hi patti. i'm sorry you're in that position. it's rough for sure. the reality is, if he won't own it or admit it, it's going to be tough to get any serious work done with him. he is doing what he's doing blaming, deflecting, etc, out of shame I bet. until he can work through that, it's going to be extremely difficult to see him change at all. that inner feeling you're experiencing is sometimes very valid. sometimes it's more nerves and anxiety, but sometimes it's very valid and to be listened to. that gut feeling ya know.... if i were you I would shift gears, empower yourself and start to work on you and no longer engage him about recovery or recovery work. obviously i'm not your therapist so take it all with a grain of salt, and seek the help you trust both professionally and confidentially my friend, but i would take care of you right now as you need healing from the trauma you've been through in all of this. so glad you're here.
I need to speak with u Samuel
Hi Charles, to speak with someone on my staff, complete the free Affair Analyzer www.affairrecovery.com/affair-analyzer-0 and leave your number at the end and someone will call you shortly.
Samuel this a a great video. I have a question. Please. If your wife has had numerous fantasy's about men in the church, you attend to the point she got a certain 'feeling" with each fantasy how can you avoid that church if say, your the Pastor? Or is there something she can do to help her mind not to wonder while she's there? Is there a phone number I can call and talk to you? I'll be more than glad to pay and hourly rate.
Well, today snowed and it triggered everything. I responded in a stupid way
Is there some way that you/Rick can suggest to work through the triggers before they swoop in and send either of us flooding? When would be a good time to discuss the triggers? For me, talking about them stop them from having as much power. But we both try to ignore them when they come. In some good ways and some bad ways. It seems that ignoring them/shutting them down only leads to them popping up stronger later.
here are some helpful links: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse www.affairrecovery.com/qa-what-each-spouses-role-handling-triggers
You know what is wrong with the faith side? (And to be clear I believe in God and Jesus) but what I saw when you say « the enemy got me there » you know what happens from the unfaithfu? They tell you this « you let the enemy control you » « you should stop those thoughts with a prayer » « oh so you do not believe Jesus can take away this? you have little faith »
See what is SO wrong with all of these phrases? See how wrong and destructive this can be???????? It’s like its your own fault if you have triggers because you let satan or you don’t pray enough well everything to make you have the responsibility while it all started because of the unfaithful. I would have never ever have those triggers if he didn’t cheat.
So nope it is WRONG to pronounce ONE single phrase or word that make the betrayed the guilty one.
It is so so wrong.
I am totally broken because of this
Triggers are a real bitch!! I quietly cried through our couple's massage today because all I could think about was all of his previous online searches for erotic massages. Which only led to envisioning him getting his happy ending, althoug he swears it never happened. Though I'm thankful for seeing this video today, it's a tough night.... 😥
Omg. Too many