Thank you for this video. My DA ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and it definitely triggered a core wound inside of me. Before breaking up, I felt him pulling away and this triggered me to try harder to become close. I can’t explain the pain, I’ve never experienced anything like this before. The relationship itself wasn’t toxic. I’ve been in a far worse relationship but this time it hit deeper. He broke up with me through text, and I tried to talk on the phone with him because I’m big on verbal communication but he would not speak to me. I’m finding it hard to let go and move on but I’m hoping for better days 💜
I think it hurts the DA and FA to the same extent, they're just in denial, and the DA is just typically so dismissive that he/she doesn't realize. The FA is just feeling sooo volatile inside that they don't "care" about the other person! 🤔🤔
Hi Thias, I'm really struggling at the moment. I ended a 2 year relationship about 2 months ago, mainly due to being lied to. I struggle with wondering "was it really that bad", "was it my fault she lied" and I miss all the good parts about the relationship. I think I'm an anxious preoccupied because I can't stop obsessing over it. It was the same with my previous relationship. I was thinking about that relationship almost all the time for 4 years! It seems like the only way to stop this mental looping is to have another person as the focus of my attention. I feel so empty when I'm single. I don't enjoy hobbies anymore. I switch from feeling very sad to numb and apathetic. I left my ex because I didn't want a life of being lied to and being paranoid all the time. But the void it's left is almost unbearable.
Idea 1: look at the needs the person was meeting and learn to bring those needs into your life Idea 2: look at how you how the traits they possess to see yourselves more fully. we value trait integration. We value traits that we built positive emotional associations too and become slightly disempowered in so we put this person on a pedestal. This is a call to look at the traits they traits and see it in yourselves Idea 3: question the stories your mind is telling you. Sit down and write out what are my stories. Idea 4: look at the full picture of the breakup. We tend to look more at the benefits of the relationship but also look at the costs. See why it didn’t work out and what are some of the good things that can come out of the break up
Thanks Thais! This is the type of content I need. After months of working on my attachment style and using secure communication with an unhealthy FA/DA who is not self aware and copes through alcohol, this has been the most crushing breakup of my life. I’ve had way longer and healthier relationships, but this one has been the hardest to get over. Knowing that I did my best (despite a bad ending) and that I’m now free to regain my peace and meet a healthy partner who will be more receptive of all the skills I learned is helping me stay in no contact.
Thais, can you please talk more about what healthy love and attachment looks like? We search for qualities in others that are suppressed in ourselves. Do securely attached ppl do this as well? What is healthy attraction? What does that look like in dating? Maybe a video on what a healed FA looks like when dating? What a healed FA looks like letting go/moving on? What a healed FA looks like navigating a healthy relationship?
FA here - i notice that when i break up with secure ppl/AP i tend to be neutral and dismissive, shutting down my emotions without even realising and i manage to get over it in 2/3 days. but with DAs i notice that i tend to obsess over them, constantly thinking about "should've", " could've", it takes me a VERY looooong time to get over a dismissive avoidant
1. You Can NOT meet ALL your needs by yourself - Especially Relational ones 2. If you're seeking a Parent in the relationship, that's a problem in itself and needs to be worked on. 3. You CAN miss the actual Person. If you're only missing the needs they met, you were never in a relationship with Them - you were in a codependent relationship and that person is Easily Replaceable.
I let him go. It's been four days. We had a 6 month situationship, I wanted more than he did and he was still having a "friendship" with his ex who would come from away and stay with him at his place once a month or so. He treated me like his gf any other time except when she was there, I would rarely if ever, see him. Sunday I texted him and told him to get his things from my basement he was storing there. He didn't even reply. Sent his son to get his things. And I've not heard another word from him. I'm hurting for a lot of reasons. I know I have attachment issues and he used to tell me "don't overthink" but it hurt me when he said that because he wanted a friendship and I wanted a relationship. But he treated me like a gf. So much inconsistency.
Hi, I'm new here. And I am finding your online videos very helpful. I've seen other people present similar material, but I find your presentation very effective. Another thing that I like about your program is that you break down things so I can understand them. Meaning I understand more clearly where/why I'm doing things. And also that I'm not alone in All of this. And by watching your videos, I've been learning that I'm a Fearful Avoidant/Anxious. I never knew that this existed. It makes a lot of sense, at least the way you explain it. I wish I would have known about this when I was married. We went to marriage counseling, but I felt like they didn't give us tools that we could understand. I mean they throw word's at you like "effective communication" but without knowing about yourself, or where either one of you is coming from, it's kind of hard to implement. Also I felt like they were giving us tools, without any insight behind it. Kind of like telling a child to go do something without showing them how to do it. Does that make sense? These skills really help. Thanks!
Thank you ! This helps a lot. I’m struggling financially and can’t afford the school yet but it’s been a year and I’m still struggling with the break up like it’s day 1 still. This advice is really helpful ❤️
Perfect timing 😭 I am in a long distance relationship with a DA (I am a FA), & suddenly he has disappeared , it's a month . He sees my msgs, but doesn't reply. He is ghosting me . I even msgd him that if he wants to cut off, to please let me know and I will not text further & that I will never hold anything against him & will respect his decision. And he red my msg and left me on blue ticks. I am going crazy 😭
Uuff I suffer with you! Same thing happend to me with a DA also long distance. Still miss his beautiful soul until this day. Wish I had something more comforting to tell you, but try to meet the needs he was meeting, might ease the pain..
Ohhh same situation for me(but not long distance relationship) ,I completely understand you,I think they do this when they feel overwhelmed not but you ,remember that DA are to afraid of emotional closeness and they "shut down" when they feel that way and and each person has a different way of perceiving the closeness of love or sentimental overload,DA are pretty bad at communicate their feelings,so if they approach you again let them know your needs with out blame or demanding them and if is too much for you remember put yourself first, nothing is more valuable than your happiness and mental health,take advantage of that time when they are not present, do what you like the most or try something new, allows you to feel bad but also be aware, remember that it is not usually you, obviously DAs have their ways of meeting needs, you can learn a lot from them, but If it doesn't give you happiness,move on and try not to leave resentments,hope this helps you, it's help me in some way ❤️🤗
@@michirista He just disappears. It hurts so much 😭 i have told him so many times to just say, I m busy or need time alone before disappearing & I will understand him. But he just suddenly ghosts me and disappears
@@esenjewelry623 I know it hurts 😭 and so bad cause you prefer that they broke up with you than be in this agony of been ghosted,if you have communicated yourself properly and he keeps doing that obviously he doesn't have the affective responsibility enough and you should focus on heading from this ,send you all the love and good vibe !!
I'm so glad that I'm not alone in this crazy world of trying to both understand, and navigate through relationships. There are SO many things to know about. But after reading some of the comments left by others, I'm left with the question why are we struggling with getting over these people that obviously wronged us? Obsessively going over the relationship in our minds. Ect. Oh sure, there are reasons for it. But, are THEY doing the same? Probably not! We are giving them so much power, and energy, that they don't deserve. Not to mention all of the revolving anger as well. That's like drinking poison, and hoping they will die from it. It doesn't make sense, does it? And yet day after day we continue to do it. And also another obsessive thought that goes through our mind, are they happier in their new relationship?
Perfect timing as always. I'm an FA leaning AP. Still hung up on guyS who are DA or FA leaning DA. And I don't really understand why? Eventho today I feel like these dynamics is not the type of connection I want, mostly because of the lack of deep connection, communication skills and vulnerability. And have noticed that I actually connect better with those who are not avoidant. Then why am I still missing them/wanting them to come back eventho I can see how it wouldn't be any good? It buggs me. What is it with avoidance that gets me stuck? Is it a need for gaining (hard to get) love? If that's the case then only thing I can think of is I might been trying to gain their approval by wanting them to see me. Did grow up feeling unseen by: an avoidant father that wasn't there and unseen and misunderstood by older siblings who are avoidant. But not sure that I really felt that way towards my mom who is DA/FA. Today I feel really close and loved by her eventho she's avoidant. Somehow I ended up being the only one in the family who leans AP.. 🤷♀️ Any thoughts that would help?
I identify myself with some of the things you wrote, I have also been trying to find the reason why I am still attached to these people, possibly it is because of what you say to gain their approval ,in a way that this specific person feels attraction and love towards me, but I also think that very deep down I fear commitment so that why I fall for this persons that is sending me mixed signals or act cold, they come and go, I unconsciously cling to that dynamic because I know that I am not committing myself with this person in a deep way at all, I can commit to someone yes, I can being emotionally responsible I miss that connection with someone but I am also afraid of commitment by loving someone very much and being abandoned definitively ,I guess
Often what is familiar feels safe, so our subconscious mind keeps creating it, even if we're consciously aware the dynamic doesn't work. I'm a DA so I've been stuck on the other side... I don't want to keep repeating my patterns either! I believe that you are on the right track reflecting on your family relationships and becoming so self-aware. Next step is to reprogram your subconscious. When you shine a light on your core wounds and fears, you can begin to identify and embrace what you truly want. You got this.
It feels that I’m over the breakup. I see nothing but the benefits of the breakup. But I’m still angry and hate the ex. Not because I’m sad the relationship is over. It’s mainly because he’s a despicable person.If we were never romantic, I would still hate him if I got to know him. A micro aggressor. A gaslighter. I’ve blocked him from every digital platform. He’s gross. The only gnawing that I feel is the regret of not telling him off more effectively.
Yeah, questioning the stories doesn't work when literally everyone in your life either abandoned or ghosted you. There's no proof that I'm lovable or good enougn for someone to stay.
The only thing I could say is that Thais teaches how our bad feelings and emotions are signals for us to fix something. If you really feel it's true that every single person in your life abandoned you, then that deeply painful feeling is there to teach you something. Maybe you are pushing people away, maybe you are choosing to surround yourself with selfish people, or maybe you're not giving enough love to those you have relationships with. I don't know you and I'm definitely not judging. I wish you well on this journey, everything you need is already inside you.
I have experienced too much abandonment and betrayal in my male relationships lately I have been shown that early on I betrayed and abandoned my self to develop a persona that I thought would please others. People pleading because I thought somehow who I am was not what others wanted me to be or would accept love and value. So I am looking at this dynamic honestly. However as I do this shadow work I realize there are lots of unconscious wounded people moving about in the world and I need boundaries and to be clear about what I want and not settle for less. Do not give up on yourself even if you give up on others for awhile. 🌹
My question is, if we can efficiently learn to meet the needs for ourselves that the other person was meeting, what is the point in a relationship? I mean the downside of relationships include risk of loss, risk of mistreatment etc. so if you can get the needs met all the same either way, why not alwYs choose the one that’s safe and doesn’t have risks? Why should we need relationships at all? It sounds like DA should be the goal but I logically know that isn’t true.
I have wondered this as well. My ex and I split two years ago, and since then I have taken in many of the needs that he gave me. I am not anxiously attached anymore. And yet, I yearn for more. I yearn for deeper meaning. People are wired for human connection. That is one of our purposes as a collective, so I think the benefits of cultivating loving, fulfilling, secure relationships out-way the fears of losing said relationships. I'm sure there is much more to this than I am getting at here.
I'd really like to hear more about the struggle with anger and resentment after a breakup. For me, the relationship ends so badly- because it's generally been with either a narcissist or a dismissive avoidant- that the rumination is about all of the ways I was disregarded, disrespected, and taken advantage of, as well as an obsession with getting justice. I almost never miss the person after the first few days, because the way I was idealizing them becomes clear very quickly once they're gone. But because of the types I've been attracted to, I have never gotten any form of amends or closure, so the brain just cycles back to all of the resentments trying to reconcile them by itself.
Thank you for this video. My DA ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and it definitely triggered a core wound inside of me. Before breaking up, I felt him pulling away and this triggered me to try harder to become close. I can’t explain the pain, I’ve never experienced anything like this before. The relationship itself wasn’t toxic. I’ve been in a far worse relationship but this time it hit deeper. He broke up with me through text, and I tried to talk on the phone with him because I’m big on verbal communication but he would not speak to me. I’m finding it hard to let go and move on but I’m hoping for better days 💜
how are you doing right now? I'm going through this right now :(
I honestly miss his voice and his hugs. He made me feel so loved and safe 😓. I broke things off. He would constantly deactivate
I think it hurts the DA and FA to the same extent, they're just in denial, and the DA is just typically so dismissive that he/she doesn't realize. The FA is just feeling sooo volatile inside that they don't "care" about the other person! 🤔🤔
Hi Thias, I'm really struggling at the moment. I ended a 2 year relationship about 2 months ago, mainly due to being lied to. I struggle with wondering "was it really that bad", "was it my fault she lied" and I miss all the good parts about the relationship. I think I'm an anxious preoccupied because I can't stop obsessing over it. It was the same with my previous relationship. I was thinking about that relationship almost all the time for 4 years! It seems like the only way to stop this mental looping is to have another person as the focus of my attention. I feel so empty when I'm single. I don't enjoy hobbies anymore. I switch from feeling very sad to numb and apathetic. I left my ex because I didn't want a life of being lied to and being paranoid all the time. But the void it's left is almost unbearable.
Sounds more like fearful avoidant. AP hardly ever end relationships and they recover from them quickly.
Idea 1: look at the needs the person was meeting and learn to bring those needs into your life
Idea 2: look at how you how the traits they possess to see yourselves more fully. we value trait integration. We value traits that we built positive emotional associations too and become slightly disempowered in so we put this person on a pedestal. This is a call to look at the traits they traits and see it in yourselves
Idea 3: question the stories your mind is telling you. Sit down and write out what are my stories.
Idea 4: look at the full picture of the breakup. We tend to look more at the benefits of the relationship but also look at the costs. See why it didn’t work out and what are some of the good things that can come out of the break up
Thanks Thais! This is the type of content I need. After months of working on my attachment style and using secure communication with an unhealthy FA/DA who is not self aware and copes through alcohol, this has been the most crushing breakup of my life. I’ve had way longer and healthier relationships, but this one has been the hardest to get over. Knowing that I did my best (despite a bad ending) and that I’m now free to regain my peace and meet a healthy partner who will be more receptive of all the skills I learned is helping me stay in no contact.
Thais, can you please talk more about what healthy love and attachment looks like? We search for qualities in others that are suppressed in ourselves. Do securely attached ppl do this as well? What is healthy attraction? What does that look like in dating?
Maybe a video on what a healed FA looks like when dating? What a healed FA looks like letting go/moving on? What a healed FA looks like navigating a healthy relationship?
Love how she first narrates the principle and then goes on to explain it better using an example. That is so rare on youtube. Thankyou Thais!
FA here - i notice that when i break up with secure ppl/AP i tend to be neutral and dismissive, shutting down my emotions without even realising and i manage to get over it in 2/3 days.
but with DAs i notice that i tend to obsess over them, constantly thinking about "should've", " could've", it takes me a VERY looooong time to get over a dismissive avoidant
Thank you for reuploading the video!!
1. You Can NOT meet ALL your needs by yourself - Especially Relational ones
2. If you're seeking a Parent in the relationship, that's a problem in itself and needs to be worked on.
3. You CAN miss the actual Person. If you're only missing the needs they met, you were never in a relationship with Them - you were in a codependent relationship and that person is Easily Replaceable.
I let him go. It's been four days. We had a 6 month situationship, I wanted more than he did and he was still having a "friendship" with his ex who would come from away and stay with him at his place once a month or so. He treated me like his gf any other time except when she was there, I would rarely if ever, see him.
Sunday I texted him and told him to get his things from my basement he was storing there. He didn't even reply. Sent his son to get his things. And I've not heard another word from him.
I'm hurting for a lot of reasons. I know I have attachment issues and he used to tell me "don't overthink" but it hurt me when he said that because he wanted a friendship and I wanted a relationship. But he treated me like a gf. So much inconsistency.
So sorry to hear that... inconsistency is the worst. Sure way to form trauma bond.
I totally understand how you feel. It's really hard when someone you care about keeps giving you mixed messages.
Hi, I'm new here. And I am finding your online videos very helpful. I've seen other people present similar material, but I find your presentation very effective. Another thing that I like about your program is that you break down things so I can understand them. Meaning I understand more clearly where/why I'm doing things. And also that I'm not alone in All of this. And by watching your videos, I've been learning that I'm a Fearful Avoidant/Anxious. I never knew that this existed. It makes a lot of sense, at least the way you explain it. I wish I would have known about this when I was married. We went to marriage counseling, but I felt like they didn't give us tools that we could understand. I mean they throw word's at you like "effective communication" but without knowing about yourself, or where either one of you is coming from, it's kind of hard to implement. Also I felt like they were giving us tools, without any insight behind it. Kind of like telling a child to go do something without showing them how to do it. Does that make sense? These skills really help. Thanks!
Thank you ! This helps a lot. I’m struggling financially and can’t afford the school yet but it’s been a year and I’m still struggling with the break up like it’s day 1 still. This advice is really helpful ❤️
Perfect timing 😭 I am in a long distance relationship with a DA (I am a FA), & suddenly he has disappeared , it's a month . He sees my msgs, but doesn't reply. He is ghosting me . I even msgd him that if he wants to cut off, to please let me know and I will not text further & that I will never hold anything against him & will respect his decision. And he red my msg and left me on blue ticks. I am going crazy 😭
Uuff I suffer with you! Same thing happend to me with a DA also long distance. Still miss his beautiful soul until this day. Wish I had something more comforting to tell you, but try to meet the needs he was meeting, might ease the pain..
Ohhh same situation for me(but not long distance relationship) ,I completely understand you,I think they do this when they feel overwhelmed not but you ,remember that DA are to afraid of emotional closeness and they "shut down" when they feel that way and and each person has a different way of perceiving the closeness of love or sentimental overload,DA are pretty bad at communicate their feelings,so if they approach you again let them know your needs with out blame or demanding them and if is too much for you remember put yourself first, nothing is more valuable than your happiness and mental health,take advantage of that time when they are not present, do what you like the most or try something new, allows you to feel bad but also be aware, remember that it is not usually you, obviously DAs have their ways of meeting needs, you can learn a lot from them, but If it doesn't give you happiness,move on and try not to leave resentments,hope this helps you, it's help me in some way ❤️🤗
@@michirista He just disappears. It hurts so much 😭 i have told him so many times to just say, I m busy or need time alone before disappearing & I will understand him. But he just suddenly ghosts me and disappears
@@esenjewelry623 I know it hurts 😭 and so bad cause you prefer that they broke up with you than be in this agony of been ghosted,if you have communicated yourself properly and he keeps doing that obviously he doesn't have the affective responsibility enough and you should focus on heading from this ,send you all the love and good vibe !!
He is not worthy of you and your suffering. You are better than that. I was in a relationship with a DA and sent them many messages so I know
I'm so glad that I'm not alone in this crazy world of trying to both understand, and navigate through relationships. There are SO many things to know about. But after reading some of the comments left by others, I'm left with the question why are we struggling with getting over these people that obviously wronged us? Obsessively going over the relationship in our minds. Ect. Oh sure, there are reasons for it. But, are THEY doing the same? Probably not! We are giving them so much power, and energy, that they don't deserve. Not to mention all of the revolving anger as well. That's like drinking poison, and hoping they will die from it. It doesn't make sense, does it? And yet day after day we continue to do it. And also another obsessive thought that goes through our mind, are they happier in their new relationship?
“It’s a call for personal empowerment” 💪🏻
This is sooooooo true
Wow that’s exactly what happened to us
Perfect timing as always. I'm an FA leaning AP. Still hung up on guyS who are DA or FA leaning DA. And I don't really understand why?
Eventho today I feel like these dynamics is not the type of connection I want, mostly because of the lack of deep connection, communication skills and vulnerability. And have noticed that I actually connect better with those who are not avoidant.
Then why am I still missing them/wanting them to come back eventho I can see how it wouldn't be any good? It buggs me.
What is it with avoidance that gets me stuck? Is it a need for gaining (hard to get) love?
If that's the case then only thing I can think of is I might been trying to gain their approval by wanting them to see me.
Did grow up feeling unseen by: an avoidant father that wasn't there and unseen and misunderstood by older siblings who are avoidant. But not sure that I really felt that way towards my mom who is DA/FA. Today I feel really close and loved by her eventho she's avoidant. Somehow I ended up being the only one in the family who leans AP.. 🤷♀️ Any thoughts that would help?
I identify myself with some of the things you wrote, I have also been trying to find the reason why I am still attached to these people, possibly it is because of what you say to gain their approval ,in a way that this specific person feels attraction and love towards me, but I also think that very deep down I fear commitment so that why I fall for this persons that is sending me mixed signals or act cold, they come and go, I unconsciously cling to that dynamic because I know that I am not committing myself with this person in a deep way at all, I can commit to someone yes, I can being emotionally responsible I miss that connection with someone but I am also afraid of commitment by loving someone very much and being abandoned definitively ,I guess
Often what is familiar feels safe, so our subconscious mind keeps creating it, even if we're consciously aware the dynamic doesn't work. I'm a DA so I've been stuck on the other side... I don't want to keep repeating my patterns either! I believe that you are on the right track reflecting on your family relationships and becoming so self-aware. Next step is to reprogram your subconscious. When you shine a light on your core wounds and fears, you can begin to identify and embrace what you truly want. You got this.
Thank you for this - really needed this
Perfect timing as always
It feels that I’m over the breakup. I see nothing but the benefits of the breakup. But I’m still angry and hate the ex. Not because I’m sad the relationship is over. It’s mainly because he’s a despicable person.If we were never romantic, I would still hate him if I got to know him. A micro aggressor. A gaslighter. I’ve blocked him from every digital platform. He’s gross. The only gnawing that I feel is the regret of not telling him off more effectively.
Yeah, questioning the stories doesn't work when literally everyone in your life either abandoned or ghosted you. There's no proof that I'm lovable or good enougn for someone to stay.
The only thing I could say is that Thais teaches how our bad feelings and emotions are signals for us to fix something. If you really feel it's true that every single person in your life abandoned you, then that deeply painful feeling is there to teach you something. Maybe you are pushing people away, maybe you are choosing to surround yourself with selfish people, or maybe you're not giving enough love to those you have relationships with. I don't know you and I'm definitely not judging. I wish you well on this journey, everything you need is already inside you.
I have experienced too much abandonment and betrayal in my male relationships lately I have been shown that early on I betrayed and abandoned my self to develop a persona that I thought would please others. People pleading because I thought somehow who I am was not what others wanted me to be or would accept love and value. So I am looking at this dynamic honestly. However as I do this shadow work I realize there are lots of unconscious wounded people moving about in the world and I need boundaries and to be clear about what I want and not settle for less. Do not give up on yourself even if you give up on others for awhile. 🌹
I love the community here. So much.
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you thank you thank you
@@alexanderconstantini6447 ❤️❤️
My question is, if we can efficiently learn to meet the needs for ourselves that the other person was meeting, what is the point in a relationship? I mean the downside of relationships include risk of loss, risk of mistreatment etc. so if you can get the needs met all the same either way, why not alwYs choose the one that’s safe and doesn’t have risks? Why should we need relationships at all? It sounds like DA should be the goal but I logically know that isn’t true.
I have wondered this as well. My ex and I split two years ago, and since then I have taken in many of the needs that he gave me. I am not anxiously attached anymore. And yet, I yearn for more. I yearn for deeper meaning. People are wired for human connection. That is one of our purposes as a collective, so I think the benefits of cultivating loving, fulfilling, secure relationships out-way the fears of losing said relationships. I'm sure there is much more to this than I am getting at here.
This is perfect timing!! Thank you (2).
Okay stop. She cannot keep getting cuter and cuter and cuter. My eyeballs will explode into flames.
*sigh.
Happy fan girl Bliss. 💕
I'd really like to hear more about the struggle with anger and resentment after a breakup. For me, the relationship ends so badly- because it's generally been with either a narcissist or a dismissive avoidant- that the rumination is about all of the ways I was disregarded, disrespected, and taken advantage of, as well as an obsession with getting justice. I almost never miss the person after the first few days, because the way I was idealizing them becomes clear very quickly once they're gone. But because of the types I've been attracted to, I have never gotten any form of amends or closure, so the brain just cycles back to all of the resentments trying to reconcile them by itself.
I honestly miss his voice and his hugs. Made me feel loved and safe 😓. I broke things off with my FA
Wow! Thank you so much I really needed this!