My addictions are nowhere near as serious, but they are still distracting us and taking us away from our true selves. Videos like these help people no matter the addiction. Thank you.
Thank you :) it's encouraging to hear that you think videos like this will help someone regardless of the level of addiction. I appreciate the support and kind words more than you know. Hope you're doing well my friend.
Powerful video Anna. I could feel the emotions as you were talking. I've been there too. I didn't want to live anymore. I wasn't living, I was existing to drink and drug andni hated myself for it. I'm so happy for you that you're doing well now and it only gets better. The 9th step promises are real. They will always materialize if we work for them. I just hit 4 months sober a little over a week ago and my life is already immeasurably better. My middle daughter has even started speaking to me again and even saidbthatvshes actually proud of me. And if I keep sober I may one day even get to meet her son, my first grandchild and by staying sober I get to be in my oldest daughter's life and have a relationship with her son as well. Its amazing. Anyways. Thank-you for this. I know how emotionally taxing it isn't make these videos. Great message. Andnif nobody has told you yet today, I'm proud of you. But for the grace of god...
Thank you! It is emotionally taxing to make a video like this. I had no idea until I actually did it. I'm sorry to hear you can relate because going through that is so painful. But it also makes me feel less alone! So I'm thankful for you! That's amazing that your relationship with your daughter is getting back on track. I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been to not be on speaking terms with her. Thanks again for watching and your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate you :)
So proud of you. Takes courage to change. Dedication, commitment… motivation and consistency… you’ve got it all. ❤️ you should be super proud of you. Thanks for being an inspiration for others. Love your channel!
Thank you Kirsten!!! I appreciate you! Thank you so so much for your kind words and encouragement. It is so uplifting for me. I appreciate your support so so much. :)
@@annabarram Thankyou! You are out here saying and doing what is and has been a plague for people.. you talk real life and real outcomes Anna… and look at you! Be proud of the fight in you and the courage you have daily to make the right choice. ❤️❤️🙏🙌
Powerful video!!! Super happy you’re sober and getting your life back!! Keep taking it one day at a time, before you know it you will have a year sober. 🙌💯💪🖤
Grim, glad you made it out! Something I've kind of come to realize with addiction (especially really heavy drinking and drugs) is that people at a certain level of active addiction do hate themselves and do truly want to die even if they don't really realize that in the midst of it. As you said, to get better they have to be shown that their life actually does have worth by others and then they can start to change
Yeah, exactly. It makes sense that you hate yourself since you actively are poisoning yourself. Thanks for sharing and it's nice to know that I'm note alone. Hope you're doing well :)
Crazy thing being an addict is even hearing the dark side can make you feel like you want to use again asap, at least for me and others related to me. I know better, always, but when I’m feeling low I want to feel lower🥲 Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel less alone, especially from a real human like you❤️
Depends on what phase of recovery you are in. Trust me, this will change. The dark days will seem to fade, the memories won't seem so real and more like a phase of life, not like your own recent life choice, because you will change so much you will repel things about your addiction phase a lot.
Thank you so much for weighing in! It's awesome to connect with you! I totally feel you on that. Seeing the dark things can be absolutely triggering for me. I'm so glad you feel less alone after watching this. I feel less alone after reading your comment.
This hits hard. I appreciate the raw, heavy vibe and birds eye view into what my life also looked like(pathetic). Shed a tear for you, for myself, and all the other addicts that have lived/live this life. I too have a Golden and she is everything to me. It breaks my heart what I've put her through, but all we can do is make a living amends. An old timer in a mtng today said "everything had to fall apart to fall together." Never quite heard it said that way before, but it made sense to me as I've been struggling with acceptance even tho I know I am exactly where I need to be. Some days are easier than others with this. I wish this path were linear, but it's not. The common denominator I am seeing this attempt at sobriety, is everyone who has long term sobriety in the program literally had to burn every fucking thing to the ground. You too, are right where you're supposed to be. That 6 figure+ job will come back 10 fold if you keep doing the right thing. Thx for the inspiration, I needed to see/hear this tonight.
Ahh man I'm sorry to hear that you went through something similar and experienced that pain. It's truly awful. And you're so messed up during it that you don't even know how bad it is until the drugs wear off and you're like oh shit my life is in the gutter. So you then the only thing to do is more drugs. Oh geez you have a golden too? You get it. Living amends is where it's at, I'm trying to do that now since I'm sober and can show up sober today. I like that thought that everything had to fall apart to fall together. Hits different when you hear it that way. Thank you for your words of encouragement and sharing your own experience. I appreciate you so much :)
I am in the middle of the post acute withdrawal phase and it seems hard to believe sometimes that life will eventually change. I am hoping that it does again and I want to go back to even bigger things in life. The worst but is I was doing very well before addiction hit, and now I do miss those days too. Miss loving my work like before and my friends and social life. Your reply gives me hope that things will get better eventually
@@ramaniagharkar3914 What are you coming off of? I've been through some GNARLY w/d's and can promise you there is hope and you will get better and love things again. I constantly pray for the willingness to let go of the past. Regrets don't serve us. Be where your feet are and embrace the suck for now. This too shall pass. I thought my life was over not too long ago, and now I am realizing it is only just beginning!
I'm sooo glad you hit your rock bottom and you found your way back. I'm HAPPY you are here and your progress is AMAZING! Keep the faith, stay strong and DON'T look back and let what happened define you! You are WORTHY of all love and happiness!
Thank you! I appreciate your kind words and encouragement so so much! Incredibly uplifting. I'm glad I hit rock bottom too and that I survived it to come out on the other side. It's been tough but very worth it. Appreciate you! :)
Hi Anna thank you very much for sharing this with us all. Your dog is a very handsome boys. I grew up with golden retrievers. My mum would love your dog. Keep your chin up stand proud for what you are doing.
Aww you did? I love goldens so much!! Feel free to share Karl clips with your mum. Thank you so much for your kindness and words of encouragement. It means so much to me. I appreciate you! :)
@@annabarram Thank you Anna I appreciate you to. And I will sure the clip of Karl. My mum will love it . She not able to have a dog anymore due to illness. Thank you again Anna!
To go through more than most and still be here tells me you are stronger than most! Thank you for having the courage to share. Addiction temporarily hid your love for yourself, but it FAILED to hide your love for your dad and your dog. You helped somebody today. Maybe many.
Thank you Richard!!! It's so great to hear from you! I love what you said about addiction temporarily hiding my love for myself but failing to hide my love for my dad and dog. So well said. It strikes a chord with me. And thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. It means a lot to me :) I hope you're doing well!!
@@annabarram Anna, I recall in one of your earlier vids you talked about eating disorders. Although, I am done with alcohol I still struggle with sugar. I found my earliest motivator my first year was all the weight loss that came with quitting. How do you control your sugar intake? Of my 87lbs lost I have put 20 back on since January! Have you past day 300? If so WAY TO GO!
@@RICHARDOCONNOR-s2j wow 87!!! That’s significant! How does it feel to be at such a loser weight? And I’m still trying to figure out my diet and eating. I’ve been trying to eat what sounds good and balance that with not going down the rabbit hole with bad foods. It’s a tough balance.
"Yo, how we doing? No one asked... Call me." ~ Addict Anna 😂 THIS IS GOOD ANNA. You're an amazing person doing great work. Impressive vulnerability. Impressive solution oriented message. ❤Lovely dog Karl ❤ Impressive channel.
HAHAHA I came across that video clip and was like wowwwww that was a low point. Yikes. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It's so uplifting you have no idea. I appreciate you :)
Yes, thanks for sharing, all of it. From the party beginning to deterioration, rock bottom to active recovery. Glad u brought up the k addiction too. Not enough people talk about it, or didn’t when I was addicted to it. It’s known to help a lot of people but for us with a disease, it’s a slow poison. Congrats on 10 months!
Thank you! Yeah, I only met one person in rehab who had a ketamine addiction. I don't know if you feel this way but because it helps people who don't have addiction, I have found my brain thinking I should be able to do ketamine. If it's helping people wouldn't it help me? It's a fleeting thought that comes and goes pretty quickly because it's not true at all. It's comforting to know that you can relate :)
I love how much you love your dog. They are people too, they are just different versions of us. They need love and connection as we do. You remind me almost exactly of girl that I was seeing except that she was a psychopath and a covert narcissist. Very smart and addicting. She was crazy about me but had to cut her off. It was hard on and off for 6 years. She still Caller ID my phone every week but just ignore. You are doing well Ke$ha
Dogs are absolutely people. I feel like my dog is such a mirror of me. Like he's nuts. Oh nooooooo I remind you of a girl who's a psychopath and narcissist??? God I hope I'm not like that. I hope someone would tell me if I were though. Thanks for the Ke$ha reference again. You're too kind!
Hey girl. I’m an Oregonian as well. I live in Oregon City. Just wanna say, I’m so proud of you, and everything you’re saying resonates so deeply with me!
Hey girl!!! Yessss a couple of Oregon gals! Nice to meet you :) Thank you so much for your comment it means a lot. And I'm so glad some of this is resonating with you! That's awesome.
I love you. Dont give up and if you need someone to talk to, id love that. Fear of rock bottom lingers, someone like yourself probably has knowledge t opass on.
Thank you for sharing your story. Being at that point was the most physically demanding, to get healthy. The bigger problem now is; yes addiction is super fkd and you can't understand unless you're in it but now, everything has fentanyl in it and there isn't enough free narcan or education around narcan and fentanyl. You can come back from addiction but sometimes it takes more than one narcan for an od these days and no one is talking about it. edit: upvoted and subbed
Yeah fentanyl is in everything. No doubt. It's rampant. I think it's become so out of control that it's hard to keep up with. What's been your experience with addiction/fentanyl/lack of narcan? Thanks for commenting and weighing in ;)
@@annabarram man girl, my story is crazy but I'm happy to be here and alive. I dated an addict. I had never been in love with someone that used and it got super toxic. Started with H and shards, then just the "blues / beans / oxy / percs" in ABQ,NM, and after one week of homeless in the summer with only a van and years of motel life I drove cold turkey back to Michigan. It was INSANE I thought I was going to die. I think having to drive so far and fighting for my life, my dog, and what little belongings I had, kept me from calling for an ambulance and probably get arrested bc I was too sick to find and throw out all the paraphernalia. I had to get away from the mental and physical abuse and I knew if I stayed it would get so so bad. I did OD and my ex had to use 3 Narcan she said. It took me 4 days, no phone, only wifi, Walmart to Walmart with my Dad sending me gas. I didn't tell anyone that I was W/D and I just dealt with it. Once I got past the physical shit, which was fkn nuts, the mental shit was awful. I've always been in therapy so I had that to lean on. I can never tell my Mom, but I did tell her Mom ( my Gram) My Dad, Brother and stepmom. I found zero family support in it and I'm glad my Dad didn't know how bad it was bc I sit here today, clean since Late July 2021 and I see Narcan in the pharmacy for $45 fkn dollars for ONE. I wish there was more education around it because these midwest people are very naive. I've tried writing Congress about more free Narcan stuff but it will just take more effort and time. I'm homesick for NM and I still love that girl. She's been clean and working, my brother and my heart are still in NM. So much therapy and psychotherapy. Thanks for posting it's awesome to see a beautiful human making the right hard choices. SOOOOOOOOO happy I'm clean! That's my story! Thanks for asking! (I'm 38)
Your awareness is valuable to others in recovery. Choosing positive, less harmful behaviours is my new challenge, but it's been achievable with our support for each other.
Thank you :) so is yours. Sometimes it's not totally clear if a behavior or choice is harmful or if it's positive. That's at least something I've noticed in working on this. It's such a challenge. Appreciate you.
I know what this feels like. Been through feeling absolutely hopeless and lost during and post my addiction phase. Luckily I stopped and building up my life again. I was so much in denial about who i had become in general as a person. Please connect if you wish to talk about similar experiences. I have connected with people in similar phases and find it helps a lot. I particularly remember being in random Airbnbs and not having any sense of timeline of life.
Ooof being in a random Airbnb (or trap houses and hostels in my case) with no sense of time is so relatable. Makes me wince just thinking about it. Thank you so much for weighing in here, it's so nice to connect with you. I appreciate the support and solidarity so much.
@@annabarramfor sure. I think what we tend to forget is that we weren't always this person. And somehow try to put ourselves down by feeling that we are all but that person who made those terrible choices. I want to remind myself and someone like yourself that we did have a wonderful life before this and that this is just a phase of life, not our whole self. With this thought, I'm sure we'd develop a new identity which is more balanced
Will-power like a legend. Well done. When people do battle with addiction, the only real answer to getting ‘better’, relative to where they are on their path, is themselves. Hard truth: Even if God him/herself came back to help, the only person who can actually take the first step up and out of the hole is that person struggling. No money, support or help will ever mean a thing until that person decides to stand up and recognise that they DO HAVE the Will-power to accomplish anything. I think at that point it is life or death, literally. The absolute strength your soul has is priceless when you see the depths and choose to not stay. Well done. One of a few. ❤
What a beautifully written comment! I love this so much. It's a tough lesson to learn that I just have to get out of my own way to heal and move through and past addiction into recovery. It's a long road! I think what helped me at the beginning was being so desperate that I was willing to do whatever it took. Even though I didn't want to quit I didn't feel I had a choice. Thanks so much for commenting. :)
@@annabarram - You’re a legend. Done such a great job. Keep it up and never change who you are for anyone. You have an epic soul and are also properly mature in your control and introspections. Honest and aware of yourself and comfortable in your skin. Absolute power. Enjoying your stories shared. PS: don’t burn out on social media ;) remember that you don’t owe your viewers updates or anything. You, first. Have a rad rest of the week your side of the woods. Keep well.
I'm 8 years sober from iv heroin. It's hard but sooo worth it truly. It gets so much easier! Promise. Get a healthy routine makes things so much easier Ps. I still bare the scars and track marks on my arms so that sucks. I've been going red light therapy and chemical treatments to lighten and fade them
Hey, Dana! Wow congrats on 8 years! And from IV heroin, that's absolutely incredible you've been able to have continued recovery. So inspiring. I hope the red light therapy and chemical treatments are helping. I can't imagine how hard that would be to have those marks of a reminder for yourself and for others to see. I could also see the marks as a reminder of how far you've come, too. I feel like that with physical scars I have from everything I went through. Thanks for weighing in and I hope you're having a great weekend! :)
@annabarram when I first got clean i was not bothered by them for about 3-4years I was kinda like "yeah they are my scars but look where I am now" mentality. I also worked with newly recovering addicts and it was just a reminder to keep going. All of it was all sort of positive. Fast forward to 6 -8 years clean, I'm at a point so different than I was. My life is so far removed from addiction in a way it's almost hard for me to even myself believe I was an addict. I'm at the point now were I'm not ashamed but I don't like them. I want to look nice in a dress or a short sleeve shirt. In a way I feel like they are the last hurdle to get over and then it's all fully behind me. My arms are rough looking with the typical lined scars along with circle scars that look like I had monkey pox or something. The treatments are pricey but I'm lucky enough to be able to get them. They are working though!:)😊 I have some thar are completely gone and some that match my skin tone so you can't notice them. Hopefully soon they all will be like that. I'm just so ready for the next chapter in my life. I wish you the absolute best and hope you continue on this journey. I just want people to know it gets easier and it does take time for you brain to fully recover you'll have good and bad days but after 1 year I feel like if you have healthy habits and routine after that first year time flies by!
@AnnaElisabethBarram I think what you're doing is great for a lot of reasons. It's not easy putting yourself out there but Its gonna save lives. So proud of you!
@@SamHain237 I appreciate that so much! It’s very scary to put all of this out there. Thank you for the encouragement it helps me feel better about putting this out there for the world to see. Appreciate you!
Yeah I had a similar experience. I was sober and depressed for a long period before I ever touched the pipe. It did something for me at that time but life has changed and obligated me to live sober. Still fantasize about sneaking the odd buzz in but its a difficult thing to use recreationally because of how it highjacks and rewires your reward and pleasure system, it takes months for me to get over one party, with how much I miss and obsess over the buzz in the following weeks, so it's like why party at all. Had a whack vivid crack dream last night in which my brain tried to recreate the experience of a puff.
It's so difficult to use recreationally. It absolutely hijacks your brain. I don't know how anyone can use without their brain getting hijacked. Totally agree on "why party at all". It's hard to accept that but it's just so true. Like it's not even worth it even though it feels so good in the moment. It's fleeting. What was your dream?
@AnnaElisabethBarram It was nuts vivid. In the dream I took a puff (usually in my drug dreams trying to get high but my attempt gets frustrated somehow) I got like a quarter or half buzz in my dream (my brain attempting to feel the buzz). So in the dream I cooked the rest of my coke but the rocks came out looking clear/crystal like meth. Then I hid my stash but in the dream I had to go to school and my deceased mom was with me in this random ass house while I was trying to find my pipe and crystal rocks, finally I found them buy I didn't get another puff in, the dream ended with me being all frantic in the dream like "this is going to fuck up my school day and I don't want mom to catch me" while flailing my stash. So even in my dream feeling that push pull of addiction and conflicted over taking one last puff which I didn't actually manage to even get in.
@@ValkyrieWarGoddess-x1b damnnnnnn girl that dream is wild!!! I can totally relate to the stress of using dreams like almost using then not, or using then being stressed that you f*cked your life up. I'm glad you didn't actually use in real life!
@@ValkyrieWarGoddess-x1b I feel you. I am realizing how long it's taking my brain to recover. Like it's still in recovery and will be for a while I feel.
I'm notorious for taking unlimited photo/video footage and always have been. Most of my life is documented pretty well. My friends actually always are like, "can you not take a video for once, Anna" and I was always like "you'll thank me later". So when my life got really dark I still documented it and I do think that part of me was like you'll be glad you got footage of this later on. I wasn't planning on creating a TH-cam channel with videos, but I'm glad I have the footage now because it really helps bring my story/past to life. Even close friends are like wtf I had no idea your life looked like that. Hearing about my story on the phone or when I talk about it doesn't hit like a video with footage.
Oh boy I didn't think of it in terms of DPDR but now that you say that, it kind of makes sense. It was definitely an out of body experience after I got sober and looked back at what my life had been before. Thanks for weighing in on this, I'm going to think on that more and look into DPDR!
Hi Anna! I just subscribed. I share videos about recovery to other people in recovery groups. I’d be happy to share your videos out to help others, if you’d like.? I’m in recovery too. I quit opiates in 2016 and I’m 3 months alcohol free.
Hi! Thank you so much for subscribing and connecting with me! It's so nice to meet you. If you think an of the videos on my channel would help people you know in recovery, please feel free to share. That's ultimately what I started the channel for. And congrats on quitting opiates. That is an incredibly difficult drug to recovery from. And congrats on 3 months alcohol free!!! That's so awesome!!! Great to connect with you :)
I used to make the biggest bowls of cereal and yogurt and berries and milk. Every single night. And every single night I would nod out and spill it everywhere. Every single night.
Every. Single. Night. Ain't that the truth. I did the same thing but spilling wine everywhere and food all over my couch and waking up in it. So gross. But I'd do it all over again the next night. It's insanity, truly. Hope you're having a great weekend :) So good to connect with you!
@@odyssey814 I think because I spent most of my life trying to agree myself to fit in with what I thought people wanted. Because I thought who I was deep down was being rejected by family and others. So I didn’t like who I was deep down because I thought no one else did. Which turned into self hatred. I also think that because I learned to reject who I was that over time the pain that causes creates more self loathing.
@@annabarram I don’t know if I’m just desensitized to it, but I’m 15 minutes and 13 seconds into the video and I don’t think you have foul language at all. If anything you use the word "like" too much, but other than that you are a good storyteller! 😊
@@jiid84 Aw thank you so much! Sometimes it's really hard to know how these videos come across because I'm the only one creating and editing them. So I end up seeing it so many times that I lose sight of how other people might see it. So I appreciate the response to this a lot. It's great to have your perspective. And I say "like" SOOOOOO MUCH. It's a filler word I gotta regulate it in my vocabulary. Anyway, I appreciate you!
What this girl is doing IS a big deal. Her story, her path is not an easy one to over come, let alone talk about. It’s called accountability, change, courage, determination, consistency… that’s why this, is a BIG deal. I take my hat off to people like Anna. Bloody awesome BIG deals. Love it. Keep shining Anna ❤
Why are you not? I'm gonna guess, your a wanna-be "cool" emo kid, who has a wonderful family life, but cries how bad his life is to his friends. Do u k*ll cats for Satin or is 666 just a joke when it preceeds LOL? Have u even been addicted to anything or are you just here to bring hate to a positive video? If you don't want to watch it, or don't understand why it's a "big deal" then watch something else...why even comment on something u don't understand? Unless your addiction isn't a big deal because you still think u have control? I'll be the first to tell you you don't and if I were you, I'd use the references in her description now, while it's "not such a big deal" and maybe, just maybe you can get out early enough before it's a very big deal... I pray for you, seriously pray that your ok, and if not, that you will be one day 💕
![[안방1열 풀캠4K] 베이비몬스터 'DRIP' (BABYMONSTER FullCam)│@SBS Inkigayo 241110](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/AQ4RIghEvUs/mqdefault.jpg)
Thanks for sharing, not sure how I found your channel but glad youtube brought me here!
Im going on 6.5 years in recovery, we do recover ❤❤
Hi, Nancy!! So happy to connect with you! Wow. Congrats on 6.5 years. That is incredible. I'm so glad we found each other on here!!!
“By the grace of God” …I’m glad you turned your life around. Keep showing up sister…Shine on!
Truly by the grace of God. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It means a lot to me :)
My addictions are nowhere near as serious, but they are still distracting us and taking us away from our true selves. Videos like these help people no matter the addiction. Thank you.
Thank you :) it's encouraging to hear that you think videos like this will help someone regardless of the level of addiction. I appreciate the support and kind words more than you know. Hope you're doing well my friend.
Powerful video Anna. I could feel the emotions as you were talking. I've been there too. I didn't want to live anymore. I wasn't living, I was existing to drink and drug andni hated myself for it. I'm so happy for you that you're doing well now and it only gets better. The 9th step promises are real. They will always materialize if we work for them. I just hit 4 months sober a little over a week ago and my life is already immeasurably better. My middle daughter has even started speaking to me again and even saidbthatvshes actually proud of me. And if I keep sober I may one day even get to meet her son, my first grandchild and by staying sober I get to be in my oldest daughter's life and have a relationship with her son as well. Its amazing. Anyways. Thank-you for this. I know how emotionally taxing it isn't make these videos. Great message. Andnif nobody has told you yet today, I'm proud of you. But for the grace of god...
Thank you! It is emotionally taxing to make a video like this. I had no idea until I actually did it. I'm sorry to hear you can relate because going through that is so painful. But it also makes me feel less alone! So I'm thankful for you! That's amazing that your relationship with your daughter is getting back on track. I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been to not be on speaking terms with her. Thanks again for watching and your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate you :)
So proud of you. Takes courage to change. Dedication, commitment… motivation and consistency… you’ve got it all. ❤️ you should be super proud of you. Thanks for being an inspiration for others. Love your channel!
Thank you Kirsten!!! I appreciate you! Thank you so so much for your kind words and encouragement. It is so uplifting for me. I appreciate your support so so much. :)
@@annabarram Thankyou! You are out here saying and doing what is and has been a plague for people.. you talk real life and real outcomes Anna… and look at you! Be proud of the fight in you and the courage you have daily to make the right choice. ❤️❤️🙏🙌
@@Soberrealitykiwi Thank you, Kirsten!! Your support and encouragement is one of the things that keeps me going. ❤
Powerful video!!!
Super happy you’re sober and getting your life back!! Keep taking it one day at a time, before you know it you will have a year sober. 🙌💯💪🖤
Thank you so much slayer :) I appreciate you!
Grim, glad you made it out! Something I've kind of come to realize with addiction (especially really heavy drinking and drugs) is that people at a certain level of active addiction do hate themselves and do truly want to die even if they don't really realize that in the midst of it. As you said, to get better they have to be shown that their life actually does have worth by others and then they can start to change
Yeah, exactly. It makes sense that you hate yourself since you actively are poisoning yourself. Thanks for sharing and it's nice to know that I'm note alone. Hope you're doing well :)
Crazy thing being an addict is even hearing the dark side can make you feel like you want to use again asap, at least for me and others related to me. I know better, always, but when I’m feeling low I want to feel lower🥲
Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel less alone, especially from a real human like you❤️
Depends on what phase of recovery you are in. Trust me, this will change. The dark days will seem to fade, the memories won't seem so real and more like a phase of life, not like your own recent life choice, because you will change so much you will repel things about your addiction phase a lot.
Thank you so much for weighing in! It's awesome to connect with you! I totally feel you on that. Seeing the dark things can be absolutely triggering for me. I'm so glad you feel less alone after watching this. I feel less alone after reading your comment.
Thanks for writing this comment. So helpful and hopeful.
Keep going Anna!!!
Thank you! I will :) Appreciate you!
This hits hard. I appreciate the raw, heavy vibe and birds eye view into what my life also looked like(pathetic). Shed a tear for you, for myself, and all the other addicts that have lived/live this life. I too have a Golden and she is everything to me. It breaks my heart what I've put her through, but all we can do is make a living amends. An old timer in a mtng today said "everything had to fall apart to fall together." Never quite heard it said that way before, but it made sense to me as I've been struggling with acceptance even tho I know I am exactly where I need to be. Some days are easier than others with this. I wish this path were linear, but it's not. The common denominator I am seeing this attempt at sobriety, is everyone who has long term sobriety in the program literally had to burn every fucking thing to the ground. You too, are right where you're supposed to be. That 6 figure+ job will come back 10 fold if you keep doing the right thing. Thx for the inspiration, I needed to see/hear this tonight.
Ahh man I'm sorry to hear that you went through something similar and experienced that pain. It's truly awful. And you're so messed up during it that you don't even know how bad it is until the drugs wear off and you're like oh shit my life is in the gutter. So you then the only thing to do is more drugs. Oh geez you have a golden too? You get it. Living amends is where it's at, I'm trying to do that now since I'm sober and can show up sober today. I like that thought that everything had to fall apart to fall together. Hits different when you hear it that way. Thank you for your words of encouragement and sharing your own experience. I appreciate you so much :)
I am in the middle of the post acute withdrawal phase and it seems hard to believe sometimes that life will eventually change. I am hoping that it does again and I want to go back to even bigger things in life. The worst but is I was doing very well before addiction hit, and now I do miss those days too. Miss loving my work like before and my friends and social life. Your reply gives me hope that things will get better eventually
@@ramaniagharkar3914 What are you coming off of? I've been through some GNARLY w/d's and can promise you there is hope and you will get better and love things again. I constantly pray for the willingness to let go of the past. Regrets don't serve us. Be where your feet are and embrace the suck for now. This too shall pass. I thought my life was over not too long ago, and now I am realizing it is only just beginning!
I'm sooo glad you hit your rock bottom and you found your way back. I'm HAPPY you are here and your progress is AMAZING! Keep the faith, stay strong and DON'T look back and let what happened define you! You are WORTHY of all love and happiness!
Thank you! I appreciate your kind words and encouragement so so much! Incredibly uplifting. I'm glad I hit rock bottom too and that I survived it to come out on the other side. It's been tough but very worth it. Appreciate you! :)
Hi Anna thank you very much for sharing this with us all. Your dog is a very handsome boys. I grew up with golden retrievers. My mum would love your dog. Keep your chin up stand proud for what you are doing.
❤It's a Karl shout out from a fan!!!❤🎉
Aww you did? I love goldens so much!! Feel free to share Karl clips with your mum. Thank you so much for your kindness and words of encouragement. It means so much to me. I appreciate you! :)
@@annabarram Thank you Anna I appreciate you to. And I will sure the clip of Karl. My mum will love it . She not able to have a dog anymore due to illness. Thank you again Anna!
@@g.r.s5200 ❤❤❤
@@annabarram right back at you. ❤
Good job Anna I’m sober also and loving it
Hey, Thomas! That's awesome, it's so great to connect with you. :) It's encouraging
To go through more than most and still be here tells me you are stronger than most! Thank you for having the courage to share. Addiction temporarily hid your love for yourself, but it FAILED to hide your love for your dad and your dog. You helped somebody today. Maybe many.
Thank you Richard!!! It's so great to hear from you! I love what you said about addiction temporarily hiding my love for myself but failing to hide my love for my dad and dog. So well said. It strikes a chord with me. And thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. It means a lot to me :) I hope you're doing well!!
@@annabarram Anna, I recall in one of your earlier vids you talked about eating disorders. Although, I am done with alcohol I still struggle with sugar. I found my earliest motivator my first year was all the weight loss that came with quitting. How do you control your sugar intake? Of my 87lbs lost I have put 20 back on since January! Have you past day 300? If so WAY TO GO!
@@RICHARDOCONNOR-s2j Richard! I’m past day 304! And thought of you!
@@RICHARDOCONNOR-s2j wow 87!!! That’s significant! How does it feel to be at such a loser weight? And I’m still trying to figure out my diet and eating. I’ve been trying to eat what sounds good and balance that with not going down the rabbit hole with bad foods. It’s a tough balance.
You're an inspiration ❤️ thank you for continuing to share your journey.
Awwwwwww Stacey!!!! I miss you! Thank you so much for watching and your encouraging words.
"Yo, how we doing? No one asked... Call me."
~ Addict Anna 😂
THIS IS GOOD ANNA. You're an amazing person doing great work. Impressive vulnerability. Impressive solution oriented message. ❤Lovely dog Karl ❤ Impressive channel.
HAHAHA I came across that video clip and was like wowwwww that was a low point. Yikes. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It's so uplifting you have no idea. I appreciate you :)
Way to go! Congrats on your sobriety, keep it up with the videos!
Thank you so so much! I appreciate you! :)
Yes, thanks for sharing, all of it. From the party beginning to deterioration, rock bottom to active recovery. Glad u brought up the k addiction too. Not enough people talk about it, or didn’t when I was addicted to it. It’s known to help a lot of people but for us with a disease, it’s a slow poison. Congrats on 10 months!
Thank you! Yeah, I only met one person in rehab who had a ketamine addiction. I don't know if you feel this way but because it helps people who don't have addiction, I have found my brain thinking I should be able to do ketamine. If it's helping people wouldn't it help me? It's a fleeting thought that comes and goes pretty quickly because it's not true at all. It's comforting to know that you can relate :)
I love how much you love your dog. They are people too, they are just different versions of us. They need love and connection as we do. You remind me almost exactly of girl that I was seeing except that she was a psychopath and a covert narcissist. Very smart and addicting. She was crazy about me but had to cut her off. It was hard on and off for 6 years. She still Caller ID my phone every week but just ignore. You are doing well Ke$ha
Dogs are absolutely people. I feel like my dog is such a mirror of me. Like he's nuts. Oh nooooooo I remind you of a girl who's a psychopath and narcissist??? God I hope I'm not like that. I hope someone would tell me if I were though. Thanks for the Ke$ha reference again. You're too kind!
Hey girl. I’m an Oregonian as well. I live in Oregon City.
Just wanna say, I’m so proud of you, and everything you’re saying resonates so deeply with me!
Hey girl!!! Yessss a couple of Oregon gals! Nice to meet you :) Thank you so much for your comment it means a lot. And I'm so glad some of this is resonating with you! That's awesome.
Good to hear your story and see your desire to help others. Thank you
Thank you so much! I appreciate the comment and encouragement. So glad to hear it's helpful even a little bit :)
Thank you for sharing. I'm very happy to hear you're saving yourself. Proud of you!
Aw thank you so much!
I love you. Dont give up and if you need someone to talk to, id love that. Fear of rock bottom lingers, someone like yourself probably has knowledge t opass on.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your support and encouragement so so much. :)
Thank you for sharing your story. Being at that point was the most physically demanding, to get healthy. The bigger problem now is; yes addiction is super fkd and you can't understand unless you're in it but now, everything has fentanyl in it and there isn't enough free narcan or education around narcan and fentanyl. You can come back from addiction but sometimes it takes more than one narcan for an od these days and no one is talking about it.
edit: upvoted and subbed
Yeah fentanyl is in everything. No doubt. It's rampant. I think it's become so out of control that it's hard to keep up with. What's been your experience with addiction/fentanyl/lack of narcan? Thanks for commenting and weighing in ;)
@@annabarram man girl, my story is crazy but I'm happy to be here and alive. I dated an addict. I had never been in love with someone that used and it got super toxic. Started with H and shards, then just the "blues / beans / oxy / percs" in ABQ,NM, and after one week of homeless in the summer with only a van and years of motel life I drove cold turkey back to Michigan. It was INSANE I thought I was going to die. I think having to drive so far and fighting for my life, my dog, and what little belongings I had, kept me from calling for an ambulance and probably get arrested bc I was too sick to find and throw out all the paraphernalia. I had to get away from the mental and physical abuse and I knew if I stayed it would get so so bad. I did OD and my ex had to use 3 Narcan she said. It took me 4 days, no phone, only wifi, Walmart to Walmart with my Dad sending me gas. I didn't tell anyone that I was W/D and I just dealt with it. Once I got past the physical shit, which was fkn nuts, the mental shit was awful. I've always been in therapy so I had that to lean on. I can never tell my Mom, but I did tell her Mom ( my Gram) My Dad, Brother and stepmom. I found zero family support in it and I'm glad my Dad didn't know how bad it was bc I sit here today, clean since Late July 2021 and I see Narcan in the pharmacy for $45 fkn dollars for ONE. I wish there was more education around it because these midwest people are very naive. I've tried writing Congress about more free Narcan stuff but it will just take more effort and time. I'm homesick for NM and I still love that girl. She's been clean and working, my brother and my heart are still in NM. So much therapy and psychotherapy. Thanks for posting it's awesome to see a beautiful human making the right hard choices. SOOOOOOOOO happy I'm clean! That's my story! Thanks for asking! (I'm 38)
Your awareness is valuable to others in recovery. Choosing positive, less harmful behaviours is my new challenge, but it's been achievable with our support for each other.
Thank you :) so is yours. Sometimes it's not totally clear if a behavior or choice is harmful or if it's positive. That's at least something I've noticed in working on this. It's such a challenge. Appreciate you.
I know what this feels like. Been through feeling absolutely hopeless and lost during and post my addiction phase. Luckily I stopped and building up my life again. I was so much in denial about who i had become in general as a person. Please connect if you wish to talk about similar experiences. I have connected with people in similar phases and find it helps a lot. I particularly remember being in random Airbnbs and not having any sense of timeline of life.
Ooof being in a random Airbnb (or trap houses and hostels in my case) with no sense of time is so relatable. Makes me wince just thinking about it. Thank you so much for weighing in here, it's so nice to connect with you. I appreciate the support and solidarity so much.
@@annabarramfor sure. I think what we tend to forget is that we weren't always this person. And somehow try to put ourselves down by feeling that we are all but that person who made those terrible choices. I want to remind myself and someone like yourself that we did have a wonderful life before this and that this is just a phase of life, not our whole self. With this thought, I'm sure we'd develop a new identity which is more balanced
Pretty harrowing. Glad you made it out.
Thanks Shades :)
@@annabarram No problem. Keep on keeping on.
Will-power like a legend. Well done. When people do battle with addiction, the only real answer to getting ‘better’, relative to where they are on their path, is themselves.
Hard truth: Even if God him/herself came back to help, the only person who can actually take the first step up and out of the hole is that person struggling. No money, support or help will ever mean a thing until that person decides to stand up and recognise that they DO HAVE the Will-power to accomplish anything. I think at that point it is life or death, literally.
The absolute strength your soul has is priceless when you see the depths and choose to not stay. Well done. One of a few.
❤
What a beautifully written comment! I love this so much. It's a tough lesson to learn that I just have to get out of my own way to heal and move through and past addiction into recovery. It's a long road! I think what helped me at the beginning was being so desperate that I was willing to do whatever it took. Even though I didn't want to quit I didn't feel I had a choice. Thanks so much for commenting. :)
@@annabarram - You’re a legend. Done such a great job. Keep it up and never change who you are for anyone. You have an epic soul and are also properly mature in your control and introspections. Honest and aware of yourself and comfortable in your skin. Absolute power. Enjoying your stories shared.
PS: don’t burn out on social media ;) remember that you don’t owe your viewers updates or anything.
You, first.
Have a rad rest of the week your side of the woods. Keep well.
I'm 8 years sober from iv heroin. It's hard but sooo worth it truly. It gets so much easier! Promise. Get a healthy routine makes things so much easier
Ps. I still bare the scars and track marks on my arms so that sucks. I've been going red light therapy and chemical treatments to lighten and fade them
Hey, Dana! Wow congrats on 8 years! And from IV heroin, that's absolutely incredible you've been able to have continued recovery. So inspiring. I hope the red light therapy and chemical treatments are helping. I can't imagine how hard that would be to have those marks of a reminder for yourself and for others to see. I could also see the marks as a reminder of how far you've come, too. I feel like that with physical scars I have from everything I went through. Thanks for weighing in and I hope you're having a great weekend! :)
@annabarram when I first got clean i was not bothered by them for about 3-4years I was kinda like "yeah they are my scars but look where I am now" mentality. I also worked with newly recovering addicts and it was just a reminder to keep going. All of it was all sort of positive. Fast forward to 6 -8 years clean, I'm at a point so different than I was. My life is so far removed from addiction in a way it's almost hard for me to even myself believe I was an addict. I'm at the point now were I'm not ashamed but I don't like them. I want to look nice in a dress or a short sleeve shirt. In a way I feel like they are the last hurdle to get over and then it's all fully behind me. My arms are rough looking with the typical lined scars along with circle scars that look like I had monkey pox or something. The treatments are pricey but I'm lucky enough to be able to get them. They are working though!:)😊 I have some thar are completely gone and some that match my skin tone so you can't notice them. Hopefully soon they all will be like that. I'm just so ready for the next chapter in my life. I wish you the absolute best and hope you continue on this journey. I just want people to know it gets easier and it does take time for you brain to fully recover you'll have good and bad days but after 1 year I feel like if you have healthy habits and routine after that first year time flies by!
You should do reaction videos to things like Loudermilk. Recovery songs, shows that depict recovery and stuff!
Ohhhhh I love that!!! And thank you so much for watching and taking the time to comment with that idea. I love it. Appreciate you! :)
@AnnaElisabethBarram I think what you're doing is great for a lot of reasons. It's not easy putting yourself out there but Its gonna save lives. So proud of you!
@@SamHain237 I appreciate that so much! It’s very scary to put all of this out there. Thank you for the encouragement it helps me feel better about putting this out there for the world to see. Appreciate you!
Yeah I had a similar experience. I was sober and depressed for a long period before I ever touched the pipe. It did something for me at that time but life has changed and obligated me to live sober. Still fantasize about sneaking the odd buzz in but its a difficult thing to use recreationally because of how it highjacks and rewires your reward and pleasure system, it takes months for me to get over one party, with how much I miss and obsess over the buzz in the following weeks, so it's like why party at all.
Had a whack vivid crack dream last night in which my brain tried to recreate the experience of a puff.
It's so difficult to use recreationally. It absolutely hijacks your brain. I don't know how anyone can use without their brain getting hijacked. Totally agree on "why party at all". It's hard to accept that but it's just so true. Like it's not even worth it even though it feels so good in the moment. It's fleeting. What was your dream?
@AnnaElisabethBarram It was nuts vivid. In the dream I took a puff (usually in my drug dreams trying to get high but my attempt gets frustrated somehow) I got like a quarter or half buzz in my dream (my brain attempting to feel the buzz). So in the dream I cooked the rest of my coke but the rocks came out looking clear/crystal like meth. Then I hid my stash but in the dream I had to go to school and my deceased mom was with me in this random ass house while I was trying to find my pipe and crystal rocks, finally I found them buy I didn't get another puff in, the dream ended with me being all frantic in the dream like "this is going to fuck up my school day and I don't want mom to catch me" while flailing my stash. So even in my dream feeling that push pull of addiction and conflicted over taking one last puff which I didn't actually manage to even get in.
@@annabarrammind you this is going on like week 11 or 12 since my last relapse, still brain damaged
@@ValkyrieWarGoddess-x1b damnnnnnn girl that dream is wild!!! I can totally relate to the stress of using dreams like almost using then not, or using then being stressed that you f*cked your life up. I'm glad you didn't actually use in real life!
@@ValkyrieWarGoddess-x1b I feel you. I am realizing how long it's taking my brain to recover. Like it's still in recovery and will be for a while I feel.
I hate myself too. I relate. It’s the only rational explanation.
It really is, right?! And then learning how to un-hate yourself is a new skill I'm learning that has always been foreign to me.
When you were doing these video testimonies back in the day, were you intending to use them to carry your message some day? I wish I had done that.
I'm notorious for taking unlimited photo/video footage and always have been. Most of my life is documented pretty well. My friends actually always are like, "can you not take a video for once, Anna" and I was always like "you'll thank me later". So when my life got really dark I still documented it and I do think that part of me was like you'll be glad you got footage of this later on. I wasn't planning on creating a TH-cam channel with videos, but I'm glad I have the footage now because it really helps bring my story/past to life. Even close friends are like wtf I had no idea your life looked like that. Hearing about my story on the phone or when I talk about it doesn't hit like a video with footage.
did u had existencial crysis when off drugs? like dpdr crysis
Oh boy I didn't think of it in terms of DPDR but now that you say that, it kind of makes sense. It was definitely an out of body experience after I got sober and looked back at what my life had been before. Thanks for weighing in on this, I'm going to think on that more and look into DPDR!
Hi Anna! I just subscribed. I share videos about recovery to other people in recovery groups. I’d be happy to share your videos out to help others, if you’d like.?
I’m in recovery too. I quit opiates in 2016 and I’m 3 months alcohol free.
Hi! Thank you so much for subscribing and connecting with me! It's so nice to meet you. If you think an of the videos on my channel would help people you know in recovery, please feel free to share. That's ultimately what I started the channel for. And congrats on quitting opiates. That is an incredibly difficult drug to recovery from. And congrats on 3 months alcohol free!!! That's so awesome!!! Great to connect with you :)
I used to make the biggest bowls of cereal and yogurt and berries and milk. Every single night. And every single night I would nod out and spill it everywhere. Every single night.
Every. Single. Night. Ain't that the truth. I did the same thing but spilling wine everywhere and food all over my couch and waking up in it. So gross. But I'd do it all over again the next night. It's insanity, truly. Hope you're having a great weekend :) So good to connect with you!
you say you hated yourself ,why?
@@odyssey814 I think because I spent most of my life trying to agree myself to fit in with what I thought people wanted. Because I thought who I was deep down was being rejected by family and others. So I didn’t like who I was deep down because I thought no one else did. Which turned into self hatred. I also think that because I learned to reject who I was that over time the pain that causes creates more self loathing.
@@annabarram you need to get over your self then dont you
how old are you ?
36 my guy
Wanted to watch all of this, but your foul language was unnecessary . Grow up and speak like a respectful adult.
Hey, thank you for the feedback. I took it to heart and am making some changes for all future videos. Appreciate it.
@@annabarram I don’t know if I’m just desensitized to it, but I’m 15 minutes and 13 seconds into the video and I don’t think you have foul language at all. If anything you use the word "like" too much, but other than that you are a good storyteller! 😊
@@jiid84 Aw thank you so much! Sometimes it's really hard to know how these videos come across because I'm the only one creating and editing them. So I end up seeing it so many times that I lose sight of how other people might see it. So I appreciate the response to this a lot. It's great to have your perspective. And I say "like" SOOOOOO MUCH. It's a filler word I gotta regulate it in my vocabulary. Anyway, I appreciate you!
why are you making such a big deal out of this?
What this girl is doing IS a big deal. Her story, her path is not an easy one to over come, let alone talk about. It’s called accountability, change, courage, determination, consistency… that’s why this, is a BIG deal. I take my hat off to people like Anna. Bloody awesome BIG deals. Love it. Keep shining Anna ❤
Why are you not?
I'm gonna guess, your a wanna-be "cool" emo kid, who has a wonderful family life, but cries how bad his life is to his friends. Do u k*ll cats for Satin or is 666 just a joke when it preceeds LOL?
Have u even been addicted to anything or are you just here to bring hate to a positive video?
If you don't want to watch it, or don't understand why it's a "big deal" then watch something else...why even comment on something u don't understand?
Unless your addiction isn't a big deal because you still think u have control?
I'll be the first to tell you you don't and if I were you, I'd use the references in her description now, while it's "not such a big deal" and maybe, just maybe you can get out early enough before it's a very big deal...
I pray for you, seriously pray that your ok, and if not, that you will be one day 💕
You should get into it again 🤍 you know you miss it, who are you kidding
Being a drug addict is horrible. I’m currently addicted to drugs. Crack and heroin. We’re smoking crack now
@@toddlarue3975 how often do you get the urge to???
@@toddlarue3975don't indulge this person. Just an asshole wanting people to get angry.