Cold shoulder relationship | END the silent treatment!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 ต.ค. 2024
- Are you in a cold shoulder relationship?
Being given the silent treatment can be deeply hurtful and can do a lot of damage to a relationship.
Watch this video and learn how to end silent treatment once and for all.
In this video you'll learn:
how to recognize the silent treatment
what to do if you're the one who is ignoring the other person
what to do instead of cold shoulder
why are you ignoring someone you care about
how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way
how to stop silent treatment
what to do if the other person doesn't stop ignoring you
For more on love and relationships watch my video called This is not actually love:
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THE SILENT TREATMENT: WHEN THE NARCISSIST GOES PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
How Narcissists RUIN Holidays
it seems like the person giving the silent treatment gets a sense of power.
Exactly! bu it backfiers if you give the the silent treatment back! Losers!
Yes, its a form of passive aggression
My sister in her 30s, 40s and 50s used this tactic on me, esp in public where she could be nice to other people. It showed that I was worthless, not that she was a b!t(h. Going No Contact freed my life 100%. So wonderful.
Thank you, your video Is so clear! I've got the silente treatment for 6 Years now. It completly destroyde my self esteem. I've decided to leave my husband finally.
I'm so happy the video helped you! So brave of you to finally put yourself first and start taking care of yourself 💕
Good decision
I left my 7years relationship same reason.
I hope people leave at the first silent treatment. I do not think it will ever stop so if this is not a way you wish to live...
Exactly! In my case, it was my brother-in-law.
I didn’t care about him giving me the cold shoulder. I was glad that he showed me that part of him so early on.
Unfortunately, my sister doesn’t recognize it and believes him to be my victim (i called him out on his BS).
thanx. ive been giving my husband silent treatment for two days. and he also joined in giving me silent treatment instead of apologizing. thanx for this great information am breaking that silence now ASAP. ITS NOT HEALTHY FOR ME MY MARRIAGE & MY CHILDREN. THANK YOU
It all boils down to self love. Take care our selves.
I think this video would help someone who’s being subjected to this cruel treatment. Wish I’d heard this while I was married.
I have been isolated most of my marriage and everything you have said is perfect🙏 I am recovered from narc abuse even though my situation hasn't changed, what you say about taking care of yourself is the key it's exactly what I put into practice nearly 8 yrs ago now and I can honestly say, it only gets better♥. Im living proof that with the work and effort given back to myself and not constantly worrying about the person giving me the silent treatment over yrs and the isolation treatment over yrs, I have fully healed and am my own self again, TRULY❣. I made the effort to see and find me again, rather than needing to know why from my narc and all the energy and time wasting on them. It can be done🥰 I really liked everything you have said and I hope more beautiful people find themselves again, like I did😇
1000000000000% agree with the first part. it's the most damaging and painful. Well... for the person who cares :(
That's true!
That part!! For the one that cares.😔
"When we want to give negative feedback it's crucial that we only criticize the behavior and never the person as a whole." THIS. This indeed makes all the difference in the world! I needed to hear this thank you! Subscribed
Me too! This really hit home too. I never knew how much damage the pain and hurt had damaged me until I said I was out. I asked myself " how much longer could I continue to live like this?" A year? 6 months? 5 years?
My answer was I couldn't even live.like that for another day. And off I went. But the only thing worst than being ignored is knowing that you're not even an apology. That changes a person... i had had to admit to my self that it totally broke me. But I've been blessed with a very positive inner voice. It has always had my back and it's never let me down when I truly needed it.
Where's the fun in that?
And some people will only hear that you are Criticizing them no matter how you say it. Been there, done that.
And lets face it, they are the problem because the behavior is coming from them.
Only people who are childish do that type of treatment to each other as an adult you got to speak about the problem and learn how to face it together and learn that problems are going to come and go it's how you fix the problem
Wow! You explained this extremely well, you labelled all the signs and emotions spot on. I always knew that it wasn't right, but I couldn't explain what it was doing to me. I and everyone around me considers me to be a very strong and independent person, and I thought I knew what emotional abuse was but I really didn't. After 14 years togethr (married for 10 of those years and have 3 beautiful boys) I had had enough. It felt like my soul was slowly dying and after another incident, I just said I'm not doing this to myself anymore.
I can no longer continue to stay in a relationship where I'm made to feel so shit and worthless about myself, and our problems were never anything bad . But it was like clockwork, he's upset at something I did or said to him and whatever and he would just shut down and ignore me. For days and days even weeks. The saddest thing was he never ever took responsibility for it. He never even said sorry sincerely, he would just try and be funny or whatever and I would just let it go, but I woukd always ask him to apologise to me but he NEVER did! I he would say sorry quickly without any remorse or anything.
Wow, what a wonderful insight! You're very brave!💛
Unfortunately, silent treatment is only one of the most common strategies of emotional blackmail. There are many more and we usually don't even realize what's happening. You can check out this article I wrote and learn about 4 other very common ways of emotional blackmail:
end-emotional-blackmail.teachable.com/p/4tactics-emotional-blackmail
My gf is doing this to me exactly. Idk, how to deal with it so cold and distant. I wanna believe she is a good person. But, I feel like she knows what she's doing.
Yes I have given the silent treatment in fact I am the one who tends to do it most often now I am being affected by it and I feel bad for the times I have perspective is key
All so true. I left an abusive x partner. My mother used to give me the silent treatment. Now that I've left him, and I'm v low contact with my mother, it is something I'm still trying to shake off. I know that most people are ok but there is a 'type' that is aware of my vulnerabilities and it brings out the shark in them. These sharks may be fawning all over everybody else around them and treating me like ICE.
This is a wise advice. Thank you. I like the idea of ‘separating the behavior and the person’. After all, we’re all human with flaws, treating everyone (including those who don’t deserve) with kindness takes away bitterness and tensions in any relationship. I’m given a silent treatment right now and was looking for a wise way to handle, and I find this a very good one. Thank you.
If you give a narc the silent treatment they take it as a challenge...a battle of wills and they never lose. You may want to step back from the relationship and wait for them to be willing to discuss a problem that needs resolving so you interact minimally and tell them why. They LOVE this. They don't want a deep relationship so a superficial relationship where you 'step back' is the kind of relationship they want anyway. Instead of putting pressure on them to discuss and resolve a problem, you are taking pressure off them because now they don't have to invest in an intimate relationship. Took me decades to figure this out and now I am happily divorced.
Everything you said is the sad truth.
Well put!
Video straight up brought me to tears in the end. Thank you!!!
I'm day 6 of the silent treatment im doing me and loving every minute of it 😊
getting the cold shoulder is like getting repeatedly punched in the stomach.
This video is very good I learn a lot. it's worth listening and it's not long and boring every thing is to the point
Thank you so much!
Yes I admit I have given silent treatment and received it growing up as well I would love to learn healthy ways to cope with this issue myself and with others
Good job! Being hones with yourself is the first step. I'll be making more videos on healthy ways to cope so make sure to subscribe ;)
You're the only person in the comments that has admitted it. Ha. No one else here apparently has ever done it even once in their entire lives. Lol 😄 🙄 you are the most honest, brave person here. And I've done it too. In response to silent treatment giving them a dose of their own medicine as she said.
Easy stop doing it. The next time you're tempted to force yourself to do the opposite of your impulse.
You make it sound so simple.... I shut down when something goes wrong due to the past when it was all turned around and put on me so I learnt to say anything and this ended up being the silent treatment.. I can't even count to 10 as its an instant reaction and causes me to shut down I'm not doing it to gain power but I'm starting to understand that it is looked apon as punishment. Yes I sulked as a boy and I still do it now but I just go quiet for myself not to deliberately hurt the other person I'm 58 and only understanding this now
Want to learn more about the *silent treatment and other emotional blackmail techniques* and most importantly how to stop them?
Check this out:
end-emotional-blackmail.teachable.com/p/end-emotional-blackmail
Leave, move on, find someone who is a grown up and who actually deserves you! Unless you are in a TF journey this is one.of the stages but it is harder than you think a person can only take so much, Love yourself 🩷🩷🩷
Or my mother not speaking to me since two years because I was unable to make time on her birthday that year. Wtf. Thanks for the video. I learned that the Silent Treatment means not only rejecting a specific behavior but the person as a whole. Interesting aspect. Thanks a lot for sharing.
Wow, so sorry to hear your mother is giving you the silent treatment!
Glad you found the video interesting. If you have any questions, let me know 😉
I think silence is fine but it’s when it’s used as a form of manipulation to punish the other person. The person receiving this bad behavior makes then feel blame and shame. My last few month relationship I ended because of this reason, I choose to leave because I won’t feel this pain again and I didn’t like how I was feeling physically or emotionally. He knew my expectations and some of my boundaries before and he failed to respect them. Not my job to change peoples behavior or thinking. But being on the receiving end of this is no fun I like communicating it’s so important!
Great video, my wife has been using silent treatment for 10 years that we are together. I learned to take care of myself during these moments and she tells me that I’m selfish and only thinking about myself, which triggers even more silent treatment. This time it’s now been 10 days and she won’t even answer to anything I tell her. She’s wondering why we haven’t had sex in 3 years even though I told her that what she did to me through this passive agressive behavior is to make her physically revulsive. Why wouldn’t I divorce ? Because I don’t have the strength to face the consequences both in terms of what it would mean regarding the kids which she manipulated to hate me but also financially.
This is why men are not marrying anymore.
That’s crazy. Be strong brother. Know that there’s people who understand you. I send you some strengh if it can help.
You're a nice lady with thoughtful and caring advice.
You're so kind! Thanks!
My partner returned and asked me back after 7 months apart and years of silence. When we go back together I thought the biggest issue (hygein) would be better. After a week together of him working on his house, not showering or brushing I’d had enough. I yelled at him, asked why why why it had been a week with no cleaning. He gave me silence fir a week after I spoke up. Then he’d schedule times to chat and not show up.
Finally he texted that it was always something with me. I responded that no, it was the same issue that had never been resolved. Not cleaning oneself as a grown man is disgusting and is a huge turnoff. He ignored me more.
Dear god I pray he gets a new Gf that gives him months of silence like he did me so he cdd as n see what he did. He destroyed my soul.. I couldn’t even bring up any issues. F that.
I’m in NC with 2 family members now. Three weeks. Going strong
Write a comment and let me know what you think about this video!
Ty
7
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This is wonderful, demystifying and therapeutic to hear. I feel better already.
@@tomdixon1213 That's so great to hear!
One last thing this is a tactic used by abusive controlling people the usually will not change, they also enjoy their behavior the only thing you can do is leave safely and no contact. If your dating it will get worse after commitment or marriage, never better. Again not our job to fix people.
we are both giving each other silent treatment rn I got tired telling him that I need attention and time from him and he says he will but tomorrow it’s all the same, when we argue he always give me silent treatment and I end up messaging him a lot (trying to communicate him but he is ignoring me) and that’s where I got tired
I'm so sorry he's ignoring you! The silent treatment can be so tough and it can make you feel lonely.
Start putting yourself first. Put the focus off him for a while and start doing things that you want to do. Learn how to take care of yourself emotionally.
This might give you some ideas on how to do that ;)
th-cam.com/video/5KClYYTNZ8Y/w-d-xo.html
update : I broke up with him, he’s never there whenever i’m at my lowest but he has time for his friends and their game.
@@shiela51 Wow, I'm so happy you put yourself and your happiness first! Way to go, Shiela! :D
Wow Sheila. Good for you. I am in the same boat right now where I am at the point of pulling the plug on my relationship. Simply, I am not able to say or do anything without making her upset and then get the silent treatment. She always says that she needs help but never does anything about it. Always questions as to why I am still around. Crazy! Right I feel like I am a nobody and a piece of trash.
Thank you for this very helpful video
Thank you for posting the summary in the show notes!
I have a question. When someone is giving us silent treatment (not living together) I take more care for myself and what do I do about him? I go no contact? And wait till he comes back?
Yes I am currently in no contact because my bf is not texting or calling me its best to not reach out if they are angry let things cool down.
Yes only they knew exactly right and never took responsibility for their actions.
I'm so sorry to hear that!
Unfortunately, silent treatment is only one of the most common strategies of emotional blackmail. There are many more and we usually don't even realize what's happening. You can check out this article I wrote and learn about 4 other very common ways of emotional blackmail and how to stop it:
end-emotional-blackmail.teachable.com/p/4tactics-emotional-blackmail
Thank you! This was really useful! Blessings 🙏
So glad to hear that! 😊
The most annoying part is when the person is wrong and he is rather giving you the silent treatment...honestly I feel the relationship is becoming meaningless ...
How is the relationship now after a year? If you don't mind me asking. I'm going through this myself right now.
You are a great teacher. Beautiful content.
Thank you so much! 💛
Unfortunately, silent treatment is only one of the most common strategies of emotional blackmail. There are many more and we usually don't even realize what's happening. You can check out this article I wrote and learn about 4 other very common ways of emotional blackmail:
end-emotional-blackmail.teachable.com/p/4tactics-emotional-blackmail
Does this method of solving the problem with the silent treatment (=talking) apply to work in a relationship with a covert narcissist?
How you get the other person to stop?..... you walk away if you can. It is a behavior that doesn’t stop. Again .....WALK AWAY.
Walking away can be the most healthy thing you can do in certain relationships. However all is not lost if someone is giving us the silent treatment. If the other person is open and willing we can learn new, healthier ways to solving problems together.
I lived this for almost 2 decades. They know what they are doing. Talking to everyone but you? It’s punishment. Again WALK WAY. You wil save yourself a lifetime of frustration
@@ByeBye-yx6ym I agree. Sometimes walking away is the only way to save yourself.
You should be proud of yourself for being strong enough to walk way. It's a brave and though thing to do
Well it was easy and hard. It was easy because they walked out because I no longer responded to the silent treatment. I had enough.
It was hard because I loved this person and I so desperately wanted a marriage with this person. I became dependent upon their approval. It really is unhealthy. You lose your identity because you are trying to please the significant other.
In the end your sanity is way more important.
@@ByeBye-yx6ym Wow beautifully said!
I would also write things down, things I would usually say to or ask the other person and look for friends or relatives to talk to. If you partner ignores you, but you talk to aunt Meggy for an hour every evening, the partner might reconsider. Or if you say "I'll leave you alone tonight to get some rest and go out with Emmy! I don't want to bother you!"
My husband started over two weeks ago and I joined him when he wouldn't respond to my questions.
May be the relation came to an end
What if you accept the situation and return the behavior? Oh, you don't want to talk to me? I accept that, do my thing and only talkt to you - calmy, friendly - when there is no other way. How long would it last then? If I told other people: "Oh, s/he doesn't like to talk too much. Don't bother him/her with questions!"?
Straight up, ive been friends with this person for 15 years, dont know what i did. I asked him about why hes been silent and avoidant I got a response that was not valid. Frankly, its just draining to try. So im just not and i have not been, and it feels awful. I am owed so much more respect than that that and my friend KNOWS that. I just want to tell him i dont want to be friends anymore.
I went through 4 years of this while dating my narcissistic ex girlfriend CGE out in Spokane while in the air force. it was total misery dealing with her bullshit every other time we got together making me feel like i was going insane. it was always the first hour like this until she finally got tired of it herself and she'd tell me to just forget about it then always wanting to have sex and makeup. it never failed. she had so much power over the situation it broke me down.
When I get to the point that I ignore them, it usually means our relationship is over
The silent treatment is from me to them...
Thanks for your honesty 💕
@@skyrocketyourself-esteem9609 welcome
Yes I have and I have had it done to me! My hubby did it on Friday. I was So mad about it. I felt like a pile of crap.
Sorry to hear that! Try talking to him when he stops giving you the silent treatment. In the meantime make sure you take emotional care of yourself. Being given the cold shoulder can be soul-crushing.
This will give you some ideas on how to take care of yourself 💕
th-cam.com/video/5KClYYTNZ8Y/w-d-xo.html
Yes i did it want to change it now bcz i didnt knew its a bad sign i was raised in same way as my parents used to give me silent treatment
No but my brother in law and his wife have been doing it to me and my husband over 20 years
I'm suffering from this now. And it's not even a full relationship.
It's dominating my day and he is silent.
Crying and pain in my heart it's not normal.
Angry as well.....also bc we have no official relation I feel like I can't say that it hurts me.
You can absolutely say that it hurts you. The silent treatment is so hard no matter the status of your relationship. It can make you feel a mix of all kinds of different emotions - deep sadness and feeling of abandonment, loneliness, anger, fear of losing him, and so on. My heart goes out to you
Hi give me his name and I will hunt him
This video is indeed a blessing. Thank you so much
the cold shoulder can be so agonizing
I eventually left my abuser, but before that I learned to refocus on my hobbies interest, needs and plans during those periods. He would always approach me wanting to make up within a couple of days. If he'd wanted to make me miss him it backfired as I was past wanting to return to his manipulations, bragging and put-downs. Sayonara.
I wish you had spent more time giving advise on how to take care of yourself and still love someone putting you through this kind of abuse. Anyone can go for a walk and watch videos. Please give advise on loving a person while they are being so vindictive. The only bit of good advise you gave was to give complements and I'll do that. But as far as talking about it, some people just get madder when you try to talk to them and you get hurt even more in the process while they double down. I choose to stop trying to reason with him, I just want to get through this period of stress without loosing my cool or coming out a bitter person.
Thank you my bf is doing this to me. It's been 3 weeks
Same
@@jonrusk1933 I'm single :(
Women cause men to use silent treatment through their immaturity.
You cannot control a narcissist! You can only control yourself!
My answer is 'no'. And I found it so hard to figure out how to deal with being at the receiving end ..
3:30 one single time when I gave someone the cold shoulder was for about 1 hour. She was being agressive and I was too tired to deal with it maturely. I gave her some time to cool off and think about what I should do.
Other than that... I always get the cold shoulder, or just ignored, treated with disinterest, like I don't exist, etc., maybe this video isn't even relevant to me.
So good to hear that you yourself don't use the cold shoulder to punish others.
Yeah, getting the cold shoulder can be so tough and painful!
Forgot, yes I have done it but only for a day or two, not going on three weeks. I'm really pissed off!
puttytat007 yeah me too... When someone does not respect my boundaries i do that, it helps a lot. I don't want to be rude so i distance myself. Then again some get it some don't 🤔
I did give the silent treatment to my ex husband it was my way of dealing with the pain hurt an abuse I used to receive from my ex husband now am in loving relationship with a good man who treats me with love an respect so silent treatment is a thing from past
Yes. Only 3 days
Beautiful really helpful going through this right now
Thanks! So glad it helped. You got this 😉
@@skyrocketyourself-esteem9609 lots of love ❤️
Silent treatment can be good because for one thing people need to realize how hurtful they have been to you.
The problem with silent treatment is that most people on the receiving end have no idea what they did wrong. So, they don't know how to act better in the future. Most of the time the silent treatment solves nothing - it only hurts the other person and your relationship with them. It's better to talk it out.
@@skyrocketyourself-esteem9609 That's exactly what my cousin said. Sometimes talking can lead to more pain. It depends on what kind of discussion that the two people are having. The person who hurt your feelings in the first place & caused you to be silent can hurt you again.
Yes, but how to solve this habit as we had heated argument and he seems upset but he also said so many bad things about me and after that he blocked me
Brilliant!
Talk about how silent treatment is complete abuse on the children that are caught in the middle of the treatment.
This video is amazing, thank you...However, i had expected you were going to share practical steps on how one who gives silent treatment can stop it. I am one such. I bottle up a lot of angry feelings. When am hurt, i prefer to zip it all in rather than saying anything that will hurt the other person. One can say i sulk a lot and its killing me and my relationships. I want and love peace and happiness and want everyone i interact with to be happy around me. Unfortunately, i tend to sacrifice my happiness a lot by failing to share my hurt feelings and choosing to suffer on my own. I would like another video where you specifically talk about practical ways to stop bottling up. I look forward to such a video. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I WISH I WAS IN YOUR COUNTRY..IF I WAS, I WAS GOING GOING TO COME SEE YOU FACE TO FACE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT JUDGEMENTAL IN YOUR APPROACH. I feel relaxed and interested to listen to you. Your level of humility is out of this world. THANK YOU
Wow, thank you for such kind words!
I'll talk about that in my upcoming videos (if you have any more questions on how to stop giving the silent treatment, let me know, so I can include the answers in the videos).
In the meantime I suggest you watch this video. Those who give the silent treatment usually have trouble expressing anger in a healthy way. They are afraid of their own anger. This might help you:
th-cam.com/video/qD3ylkrFOoM/w-d-xo.html
Where are you getting your B rolls?
i have given silent treatment
I think it's extremely inappropriate to push the other person as that lady did. (2:24) Why do people think it's ok to push someone? What does that prove? Do they think the other person will be more open if you push them while yelling at them to get your point across? What makes them think it's alright to push you to prove they are "right" or "better" or "know more." In addition to my husband ignoring me, he body blocks me all the time. He doesn't say anything just pushes me with his body to make me go where he wants. Or blocks me from leaving. It is extremely damaging. He wants complete power over my every move. I can't talk on the phone without him listening, I can't go out without him showing up. He calls the kids to check up on me when he's not here. I have no voice. He talks & I listen. If I try to say anything, he walks away.
criticize the behaviour, not the person... ignoring the issue doesn't resolve it... I agree with everything, but sometimes you're just stressed or tired and don't want to say the wrong things, right? I often try to give myself 5-30 minutes or a few hours to think about what I should text back. I don't want to say the wrong things.
That's a great strategy! Yes, we often react when we're upset and we end up saying things that are unkind (even if we don't mean to) and that can damage the relationship. So, giving yourself some time to calm down first is a great way to solve conflicts in a constructive way!
Thanks ❤
It wasn't even a conflict. I joined a women's kayaking group, so he gave me the cold shoulder and froze me out. Wouldn't even look at me, im done!! Im walking away in my silent treatment straight back at him.
I have done this before in the past, though it was not a pattern for me.
thank you so much. im still suffering this silent treatment from my wife.. i know i have sinned her so much from an affair, but i decided to leave that and go back to my wife and fix our issues and ask for forgiveness but still i got no response from her, what should i do about it?
I think therapy would be best. It could help you save your relationship. I also recommend you both read a book called: Not 'just friends'. Best of luck!
I hope she leave you for good. If you truly loved her you would have never cheated. She deserves better..a faithful man who adores her. You have no loyalty or self control and in my opinion you don't deserve her love.
@@UnknownUnknown-yl1lt Shut up.
So true, very hurtfull
My class fellow is also giving me silent treatment since 18 days now bcz I confronted her for something and she can’t take it and then she gives me this reaction. I messaged her but she don’t reply to any one of them. Even she hid me from her WhatsApp statuses to make it mysterious!!
I have given the silent treatment for……..EVER. Big deal. Some people I don’t want in my Life.
Mabe some people need to be taught a lesson 🤷♀️
I did it. To a narcissist. I regret nothing.
Thank you so much 🌻
Yes I have ☹️
No but my partner has gone for weeks and even months without speaking to me
Thank you so much!
You're welcome! Thanks for watching 😀
My friend Gail is giving me the silent thing i love her .but she is in a bad marriage he cheated on her after 17 years of marriage but she is faithful i would never have an affair with her. I just love and care for her. I'm 54 she is 69 I think I'm understanding something as time is going by
Sounds like you really care for her and try to be there for her.
Yes for 2 weeks now
Yes
Yes.
Im good at giving a silent treatment to people that hurts my feelings i dont speak to them so gave them even it takes years. My husband i gave a silent treatment as well... i want to control him nad his decisions
You should never control others. Let them be free, you can also be free by taking a divorce.
Narcissists are known for the silent treatment
I get weeks or months of silence.
I gave my husband the silent treatment and then he gave it back to me back to back. Wasn’t a good feeling.
How did you do it and in what way did he give it to you back?
Good video
Glad you enjoyed it!
Looks like the old talk to the hand.
he's been giving me silent treatment for a couple of days and am hurt
Ty
All the videos about this suggest talking to the person about their behaviour once they come out of the silent treatment. Ppl who employ the silent treatment are not mature enough to have a discussion about their behaviour. Don’t kid yourselves.