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A Powerful Weapon Against the Monster Limerence
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 ก.ย. 2022
- Every day we make choices. Further in, or, further out.
It's up to you. You can feed that little freaking monster who screams, "feed me," all day or starve that little monster called limerence until it's gone.
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[I offer personal counseling with a scheduled appointment, or on an "emergency" basis.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com]
Hello!
My name is Fenna van den Berg, I am a certified coach and counselor. I have worked in the mental health field for over 25 years.
Having been through episodes of Limerence, I have "earned my stripes" to help others with their recovery. I understand the obsession and suffering of Limerence. My passion is being able to share with you, and all limerents, a guided-way forward on your journey of healing. We do this through discovering and practicing self-love and compassion.
As someone who has suffered through limerence, I have developed effective coaching for people with limerence. My Coaching has helped countless have a more purposeful life, and I want to help you. We will work together, so that you may have a life more in line with your values and integrity.
Together, we are blossoming a community of friendly people with the same debilitating feelings and experiences of Limerence. Here, we share with, support, and nurture each other in giving love to ourselves, perhaps for the first time.
When you’re ready to end your pain and suffering from seeking the "Other," I’m here to guide you in recognizing your true lovable self, with compassionate teaching, counseling and also private coaching.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
My editor is the best!! : Heymel Visual
Graphics: Studio Ilse van Klei ilsevanklei.nl/
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Feeding could be looking for future houses we might live in, re watching videos he’s in, watching TH-cam videos about weddings…. Starving would be, redirecting those thoughts trying to organise a holiday for me and my son, spending time investing in my health, going to a community group to talk to others.
Omg. Feeding time is one of the best descriptions. And when it's not been fed, everyone around feels the hunger pains.
This has been really insightful. I spend way too much time thinking about how I’m going to distance myself. But really, I’m just feeding the monster. I’ve started going to the gym, meeting with old friends and doing things with my wife that we both enjoy instead.
I have never commented on a you tube video. Thank you for this. It got me through today. I loved the Little Shop analogy. I send this out to anyone who is struggling - you are not alone - and we can do this one moment at a time. Any second spent not “feeding “ is an accomplishment. Thank you. And to anyone reading this - you are not alone. 🥺💜
Sometimes I feel the need to read again the parts of my diaries where I used to talk about him. I rationalize this behavior by saying to myself "oh but it's to look at the progress I've made" cause at that time I didn't know absolutely anything about limerence. I've realized this happens expecially when I feel like I'm moving on, so I do this just to feel closer to him. This video reminded me to be honest with myself and to stop feeding the monster. Thank you!
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE these limerence videos, and they are EXTRAORDINARY HELPFUL for me, as I have struggled with limerence throughout my life. However, I am also open to hearing you teach about the original topics you planned to discuss from time to time as well! I am sure they would be extremely useful for us limerants. 🙂
Thank you so much for the excellent content you are providing. It is much appreciated!
I’ve been trying to focus on myself and self growth. But the limerance creeps in.I’ve been trying to distract myself.
That’s a great analogy thank you, helps to see limerence for what it is.
I can see some ways it is so sneaky, for example thinking I could now chat to LO and be friends as I’m no longer limerent I can casually talk to him 😅also maybe he does like me but he thinks I don’t like him because I was limerent and afraid to talk to him. That is my plant trying to wake me up to feed it 😂 they are very tempting thoughts to try to trap me in it again.
I’m a bit stuck on how to develop real deeper connections with people as that’s my problem and probably why I’ve turned to limerent fantasy instead??
I am in really bad limerance for almost 4 years now. Only two weeks ago I have discovered the word limerance and I am slowly feeling relief. Finally. My LO was my therapist and I almost killed myself after she ended the therapy deliberately a couple of month after my disclosure. Since then I am in. I cannot describe all the in's because of the trigger. There are too many of them. I thought that "in" is the only way to heal my wounds. I am so done. I am wasting my time. Nothing works. And I don't want this anymore. Finally I am trying something I have never tried: No Contact. Out. Seeking for the dopamine somewhere else. Out in the forest. Inside myself. I could watch videos and read books about limerance all day long. It is so good to learn that I am not alone! And that this condition has a name! And thank you, Fenna, for saying that it will stop. There is hope now.
@@followingfenna Yes, I thought so. Every day is different and one needs a lot of patience.
Oh yes, feeding is something I am all too familiar with. I loved the Little Shop of Horrors analogy, it describes it perfectly. The one thing to do is to starve the limerence, for me it took over a year of no contact, but it happened, it was one of the benefits of the pandemic for me. For anyone out there who is struggling to starve the limerence, hang in there, keep doing what you are doing, it will happen. Then do what you can to prevent it from happening again
Thanks Fenna for another great video, please keep them coming.
I am in recovery from a limerance episode that lasted about 4 years, not the first time it has happened to me. I am Aspergers so i think that its partly connected. I met a guy through work and we connected so well and had some very deep conversatiions. We were a similar age and seemed to get in so well, he even said things to me that pointed to us having a future together. One problem though he was married, although not happily his wife had had a few affairs which was commonly known as she had admitted them. But they stayed together for their child sake. Although they do nothing together as a couple. I was living in dream land and totally immersed myself in a fantasy of our "future' together. He always said he wanted me in his life and considered me a friend although he must have known how much i liked him. It changed for me last October when i was walking home one night in the cold and he drove straight past me in his car at the time i was on the same side of the road as he was driving there were no other pedestrians or cars around so i doubt he didn't see me, but he didnt stop to offer me a lift even though i know full well he was about to drive past my house, he didnt sound the horn to even acknowledge me. Just drove straight past as if i was a nobody. On that day i shook myself and decided i was waisting my time on this guy and it could go on for years if i let it. I decided to have a break for contacting him for six months to see how i felt. It did feel better in many ways. I felf like i was having my life back again. I have caved in a couple of times and contacted him but I've done really well. I have also stopped going to his workplace although it is a local community facility which i used so it is a bit of a pain. I no longer walk my dog past his house and i deleted him off Facebook, he was silent Facebook person anyway knew everything that went on on their but never commented or liked anything, so it was easy to remove him. This is the first time i have told anyone about this i have suffered in silence. These videos have helped me recognise and start to recover. I didnt even know what limerance was and how it can take over your life.
@@followingfenna I'm happy for you to do that, and thanks for your words of encouragement. Let me know if you need more details.
This video is exactly what I needed presently. I read through a message I sent LO last week and I could cry at how pathetic I sound: pretty much reeks of "love-me-please-I-dont-need-your-validation-anymore." A one sided episode that has literally ended my marriage (also due to other maladaptive coping behaviours). A major "feed" for me is donating expensive items to her arts school. I'm done. I've felt on the cusp of being done for awhile, and this MUST clinch it. Thank you Fenna. 😘
Great comparison 🤣
Yes the limerence starts as a sweet, lovely romance that gives us wings...then it turns into heavy, sad, scary monster that ruins our life. We get addicted and we can't get out even if we want to. It steals our valuable time we could have spent being happy, ruins our health, relationships with friends and family. Such a waste😢
Haha thank you, it is a little monster
Watching your videos is definitely starving my limerence 😄You are so funny and sassy. Thank you Fenna. I love watching you and your videos have been a lifesaver!
Thank YOU
One has to know you are in limerence and what it is. When you don't know what it is, you don't have to deny your in it. My experience is that most don't want to get out until the pain of stage 3.
@@followingfenna I don't know as a non-limerent type. But I do know how much it can destroy a family and friendships.
You've nailed with this content! love the humour too - the little shop of horrors analogy is spot on!
Oh really great sound advice! And I’ve always loved that movie and quoted that lol “feed me Seymour I’m hungry!”. Yes it can be so sneaky I love the way you call it out! “Sounds like it’s feeding time!” Im choosing to starve that Limerence monster!
Hi Fenna, I used to feed my limerence once a week by walking down the road at a certain time, in the hope of getting my fix of crumbs from my LO. Now I avoid that certain day every week, I go a different way so I don't see them. They have commented that they haven't seen me in ages. But with that, and also deleting all the limerent songs from my Spotify, I feel heaps better, am back working out and feeling like the once a month I need to see them is manageable, as I don't really find them attractive anymore! You're such a big help, and I love your sense of humour😂 thanks a bundle and keep knocking out your videos, I love them❤
Thank you sooo much !! And hurray for you for choosing yourself over the limerence!
Before I broke it off with my other and started no contact, I was practicing her favorite song on guitar. And I continued to do so a couple of months after NC. Now that I see this video, I think I'll stop playing that song. You're right. It was feeding my limerence. In the back of my mind, I was hoping I could play the song for her once I got good at playing it.
But I did delete all our chat history and our interactions online. I have no contacted her whatsoever for 3 months now. But I think I'm feeding because I still think of her too much.
Yep, better to stop this.
Good luck !!
This was really helpful for me. I think choosing to learn a new skill is a good option. Take learning a new language, for example. It really uses a lot of mind power and can totally take you out of that "limerent realm".
Thanks dear for your advices. I am into starving this strong limerent episode I am in right now. It's just like you describe it, as a little plant that -with time- demands more and more to the point of unsustainability, and unnecessary suffering. I actually told this person I like him but that I needed to make distance since I knew he couldn't reciprocate me (since he's straight). He was very kind and understanding at first, only to become quite the opposite a few days latter. He also asked me for distance because he felt uneasy with the fact that I had feelings for him (being a man, and his "friend"). It's been a tough grieving time but I am kinda seeing the light and accepting it's just better to have this person off my life (some days it was pure bliss, and other days were hell - I don't want that anymore). Thank you Fenna, you've been really helpful, really thank you!
I've had a good couple of days - starving the limerance. As soon as I think of him, I turn it to negative things about him and then stop because the topic is becoming tedious.
Also taking steps to move workplaces so I disappear and no contact possible ever again.
My friend told me I should have a 'Hot girl summer' to forget him. Yep. That's my plan😉
'Hot girl summer' meaning being confident and kind to myself, enjoying my friends, and having fun over the warmer months (I am in Australia). Rather than focussing on the limerant object.
I am an artist. I draw pictures of my Limerent Obect, then I watercolor them. Feeding
I haven’t listen to the video yet but it may be one in the same :-) self compassion is some thing that definitely lacks when we are in limerence. So I’d say you’re right on track!
Hi Fenna.:) I have a big concern, I would be very grateful if you could help me!. before the limerence I was very confident, like very very confident, not in a cocky way, but in a humble I know and like myself and like what I do with my life way, I was full of life and was literally 100% anxiety and depression free. I also never had any problems with girls. then this limerence struck out of seemingly nowhere and then I realized I had major attachment wounds and now I not only have no confidence, I literally feel like a helpless child, like literally. I never felt this much like a loser before. so my first question would be: is the me I know really going to come back? im so scared about that, you said in an answer to another comment that I made, that its like a spiritual awakening, a rebirth - but I just want myself back? its so shitty. please reaffirm my that I get myself back and all this anxiety, low self worth, irrational thoughts and fears are going to disappear once the limerence fully disappeared. :( its got to the point that I just feel like a burden, I even have thoughts that my own family sees my like a loser, just because I act so weird because of this shitty state. please tell me the real "normal" me is coming back sooner or later. its even okey if this limerence state was just purely shitty and I learned nothing about it, I just want my life back, I want ME back, I feel like I absolutely lost myself.
i have so much anxiety and weird thoughts that I thought I had psychosis, borderline, clinical depression, mania lol even tho I know I never ever struggled with these things. normally I love life, and I hope I can reach that point when limerence is gone. I hope it so frickin much.
I started to learn his native language and listen to songs in that language all day. They still come to my mind sometimes, but I refuse to listen to them. It's a bit sad, because they are beautiful and so is the language. I wish I could've continued learning it, but it only makes me think of him again, I know that, so I have to make this sacrifice and avoid feeding the limerence again. The best thing is to do and surround yourself with things that have absolutely nothing to do with this person. New songs, new hobbies or old ones you have neglected. Just avoid absolutely everything that makes you think about them.
When the "charge" will be less and you don't care about them that much anymore you can maybe continue to learn the language? Not for them, but for YOU.
@self-compassionchannel-fenna I really hope so, but it will take some time. Right now I have to be honest with myself that it will somehow feed the limerence again.
Very brave. And limerence will fade over time !
I haven't seen that movie since I was a kid, not long after it was produced lol... It is a wonderful analogy for feeding harmful compulsions and how to make the big become small, or the harmful healing. I think deeply through prayer to see how my actions will bring results that are good for me and the other person. I want to benefit them as much as I do myself, even if we are not truly compatible together. We must slow down our thinking to think and act more clearly...
Thank you for your valuable work 💛 I do appreciate it a lot!!!
Thank you soooo much
Hey Fenna, you’re really great you know that? Thank you for sharing these it’s appreciated 🙏🏽
What are your experiences with limerence and daydreaming?
@@followingfenna Thank you ❤️
I would like to hear about what it is like for those that conquer limerence and how they look back at their experience once it is over. Are they ashamed? Are they confused about what happened to them? Are they determined that they don't want this to happen to them again? OR.... are they missing that feeling?
You don't miss the feeling Jessica because its a feeling that only comes with there being a problem. It's in love plus can't have you. I've experienced it 3 times, and 2 of those times I had the chance to have the person back. I married one of them. The other one, he wants back, but it's a no from me!! This third one,... well, I could miss the feeling of being so in love, but was it worth how I've felt after? I'd say no!
The first three questions probably yes. The last question hell nooo!
Yet another great video to take notes on.....Handy too that I'm of the Little Shop of Horrors generation. :)
Hahaha love that movie
I just found you tonight and I finally am learning where I’m at in my situationship. Please don’t quit these videos cuz I’m gonna need to rewatch all of these
This video keeps helping me on the bad days. Your idea to "do things the other person hated" is great. There are many mismatches with the LO so I have a lot of choices there
Didn't like my taste in politics, religion, vehicles, music, life goals, basic values 😂 I probably can't think of them all right now...
I've also made a list of things he and I would probably both LIKE to do, and am working through that list by myself. It's less sad and more empowering than I thought it would be!
Normally I can move on from it... but then I see signs... like her reaching out to me and calling me darling
I hear you but that's not proof for anything, it's just her calling you darling. Carefull with the ' sign' reading. 💓
True. One should not need "signs", it would just be. And to quit anything like drinking, one just needs to stop. Except she is like my drinking buddy everytime she flirts with me and I get a rush of dopamine. I'm probably nothing more then just "suply" and attention to her. sigh...
My wife is in limerernce with a rich man, that also manipulates and control her. He pays for house, car, school, clothing,food.... my wife can sit and do nothing. WHAT EFFECT HAS MY WIFES CHILDREN (2 GIRLS 12 & 14) ON THIS LIMERENCE PERIOD?
I blocked him everywhere except email I used to feed my limerence by constantly checking for an email from him.even checked my junk mail.
Some of us - it got worse over pandemic. I see that
For most people the pandemic had a huge impact on their limerence
Jee, tarot cards, this is my curse. I must stop watching it.
Fenna...I have an idea. Maybe us limerents should take off the rose coloured glasses by thinking about something that the person of our obsession does or could do that gives us "the ick".that might snap us out of our love bubble. Lol.