Actually, my latest relationship started exactly this way. I can literally relate to the entire video. Thank you so much for your content, that helped me recover from a breakup a lot
Wow, you've held up the mirror to us in a deeply insightful way again today. The, not pretending to be weaker than you are... is the (my) biggest challenge I think
1 we attract narcissists. Do not make yourself small and narcs won’t be interested. Cut narcs out and don’t take on people who are projects and need help. 2. We are playing a role. The moment the INFJ starts showing all their layers, people can’t handle who we truly are. Be authentic and you’ll find people who appreciate who u truly are. 3. We often show up with intensity. But it overwhelms them. So they back off. 4. We hide our mental strengths. We dim ourselves and put light on the other person. The moment we stand out, the other person backs off because they are too insecure to be friends with us. Show up with all that you are and all your intensity - those who can’t handle it will stay away. 5. Because we uncover their deep insecurities. We know what to say and do because we can read them.
@@TrevliaLiatrev-ts5zf - No, not at all what it means. I understand why ppl get this confused b/c most ppl DO NOT understand a thing about duality and how it really works b/c most ppl are binary thinkers and are always stuck in the either-or position that creates the false dichotomy. We INFJ's - us mature ones anyway - who truly do evolve out of our 'type' and into grown up versions of ourselves - are very diverse, eclectic ppl and our versatility is very misunderstood b/c most ppl think we should limit ourselves. This limitation creates a world of imbalanced and dysregulated chaos. We INFJ's are very into balance and trying to find the right temperature, the right balance in all things - whether it's a comfort level in a relationship or a picture that needs adjusting on a wall. We are all about figuring out how to logically make sense of duality and that APPEARS to fools and unevolved ppl as 'borderlines' or bipolar. We MUST STOP always reverting to THAT same old default setting b/c there are many other categories of duality dynamics and nuance in them. But just b/c half the population IS mentally ill like that and just b/c someone can't figure out a duality dilemma, they automatically scream 'you're bipolar'! WRONG! The world is not that simple! It's not wise nor logical to be stuck in the mainstream world of observation. I observe w/ my spirit, conscience, heart, full brain of both sides - the L and the R - and I think b4 I act and feel. I was also trained w/ the right tools to live this way by therapists for over 15 yrs to become this focused on balancing things as well as myself so that helps but yeah, BALANCE is the MATURE INFJ's #1 go-to tool & major topic in ALL areas of our lives.
@@TrevliaLiatrev-ts5zf No as we ignore validation from others for being ourselves, narcissists view us as confident person so they understands by controlling us will get more compliments from people
@@gogulaanandaa7548narcissists are attracted to people who will sacrifice their own needs to feed the narcissist’s ego. Someone who will make themselves small as to not outshine the narcissist, and who is independent so the narcissist won’t be expected to support them in any way.
What you have said is absolutely true. I am older, hopefully wiser, now. Ghosting someone is petty, childish and cruel - and they know it! I hate being a cynic, but in my personal and professional life I have found too many people are just selfish, unkind, jealous and insecure. You dont have to do anything to incur their wrath. For me the solution is not being too nice from the get go. I am never rude, but at the first red flag I pay attention. I dont get mad, I just wont play their games. Sometimes it is the door slam. I want to live a peaceful productive life. Too many people thrive on creating chaos for no good reason. We are better off alone than badly accompanied. The only person you can change is yourself. I, like others, are in a constant inner dialogue of self analysis. We put up with way too much bad behavior out of others, excusing them, self censoring everything we say to be polite, "walking in others shoes" etc. Enough! They will make you physically ill, financially, emotionally drained, bewildered, etc. INFJs deserve much better. Thanks for your many insightful videos.❤️
I agree 100%. Being raised by an alcoholic dad and a covert narcissist mom, I expected bad treatment from men. Not now-now I keep my life quiet and peaceful, stress free. I am not lonely. Just content.🎉
I count myself as an older and hopefully wiser INFJ too Cheryl. I have cleaned house with many of the people I once associated. I am trying to follow some of Wenzes' advice about making myself the star of my own movie. I have spent the bulk of my existence feeling bad for existing as I do instead of showing up completely as myself. I can't count how many times I didn't reveal my true self for the sake of feeling like I will fit in better with a person or group if I just stay quiet or even fake my interest in something. Sports comes to mind. I really am not a sports person as far as being interested in millionaire players and what they do. But I learned (like so many do )that sports talk is the coin of the realm in many offices and bars. So I learned to go along to get along. But at the price of not being my authentic self. Not anymore. I wish only to be myself...like you. I would rather someone dislike me for being who I really am than like me for the person I am pretending to be.
Absolute truth! I wish I had known I was an INFJ when I was younger. Now at 53, I would rather be alone and in peace and work-wise, I will always defend myself, which they absolutely hate. I do hope that I could find someone that is genuine and kind and loving, but some of us are meant to be alone forever I guess. 💜💜💜
I just found out I’m an INFJ personality I thought I’m abnormal 😭 coz nobody really understands me most of the time people around me misunderstood my intentions
You are special! I've been through this my whole life not understanding why they acted out around me. Be yourself and focus on what you want to do. I am 53 and I love being different now...I found people that appreciate me for being this way and you will too❤
That's a bit self victimising, this thrope of "nobody understands me", I've found out that if you communicate your needs and thoughts pretty clearly , people do understand and those who don't are maybe not for you. Wish you luck 🫧
All facts! I’m so tired of being loved, then ghosted when they’ve gotten everything they need from my energy, love, attention, kindness, support, etc… I hope you are having a wonderful day my amazing friend. 🙂🌹❤️👍🏼
"too insecure to deal with the INFJ level"...... well that's the reason we dim our light, because we know this in advance... exactly right. I knew what words you were going to say... lol
#2 I've caught myself playing roles just to test people, to see how they respond and to test their loyalty and ego. It is shocking how many expose themselves as backstabbing gossips when you feed them a little negative story about yourself even when it's not true. The worst offenders are those who use it against you later on, to demean you to your face. Door. Slam.
Oh THIS! I just had this and what I figured out is this person does not like herself. So she only wants to be with lesser people. People who lie to themselves and to others about who they are and trade is gossip and lies. She said to me by way of accusation: "you think you're so special don't you?" I thought about it and the next day I said: "everyone's special. Everyone's unique. And if you aren't comfortable with that you won't like someone who is". She shut up.
Same! I lay back and watch their true colors come out by keeping myself contained. It pays not to show your strengths at first so they can be comfortable showing you their authenticity and banter
So let me get this straight....you play a role (deceive) someone into thinking you're someone you're not, and then when they respond according to the role (deceit) you projected, you ghost them? And you don't see anything wrong with this?
@@eminemstrash2021 Yup. But don't point out a failure of logic to an INFJ unless you're ready for nuclear meltdown. And all that Intuitive-Feel-Judging seems to lead to a lot of logical faliure. Completely oblivious to their own narcissism and tendency toward emotional manipulation.
The problem that some people encounter is that we do not support anything that is not authentic. We may appear friendly and relaxed - our normal state of being - and this can be interpreted as willingness to become a follower, student or hanger on. As you point out, eventually they will realize that they have entered a "No BS" zone, and this may produce anger or hostility. Once the inevitable has started to play out it is best to quietly let it go. Not ghost them but just let them be and try not to make it any harder for them. Thanks for this Wenzes - really interesting content!
Yes! I had this happen with my dad's girlfriend who is very ignorant about the news and believes propaganda about the war and while my dad puts up with it and doesn't tell her what he really thinks about the war, I can't hold back and I did tell her she was ignorant and it's ripped the family apart because I'm not allowed to visit at my dad's house anymore as long as she stays there.
I’m autistic in addition to being an INFJ and I can miss the game in play at first. The other person, conducting their own childhood trauma drama, thinks I’m playing along only to find out as time goes on I’m not. It’s just that their trauma drama all start off the same-someone to play the hero that they can later flip the script and turn into the villain. Being who we are means we fulfil both roles well and those who are not as naive as me, catch on quicker and maybe don’t get involved romantically with them.
SO true! The mistake agreeableness for complicity. They talk and try to dominate and you let them a bit because you have not the same need for dominance. When you try to even up the friendship they freak out! Better to evaluate early on and take a friendship very slowly. what this doesn't allow for are the unique circumstances of the post Covid19 world and that some people are simply feeling lonely and rushing their friendships.
I've had this happen to me so many times, I should not be surprised anymore. The best advise I would give in such situations: try not take it personally (cause in most cases the person who cut you off has a problem with themselves), it's really their loss cause statistically speaking the chance of them meeting another infj such as yourself are very low, I repeat THEIR LOSS. :)
@@auntyyunike You're welcome. I know what you mean, I used to think that too. It took me years to realize I should have focused my precious time on more prosperous tasks than trying to make "the blind" see my worth haha, (what a waste of time indeed) but key is to learn from this and be future orientated. Good luck :).
One of the things I noticed is that people reveal stuff to me and I’d meet someone at a party and get on really well and the next thing I’d know they’d be saying, “I’ve never told anyone this,” and then I’d never see them again. Fear… they revealed too much.
“I’m never going to go into the depths of somebody else who hasn’t invited me there psychologically…” SO PROFOUND!!! Thank you for sharing this video! I feel so seen and it means more to me than I can tell you with words.
Most people prefer to stay in shallow waters. A friend and I have come to realise that we’re mermaids and not meant for most people. We need others who can go deep. (We shared mermaid cards and the like with each other to remind ourselves of who we are.)
@@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS we have the vision of a true king , we have the insights within us let us bring them out and be eagles and captians to lead many to what is good
I do to. Even my Employers get insecure. I knew my Employer was having an affair with an Employee. He was glad to get my notice, you could tell. Namaste
An authentic person is a threat to inauthentic people, just by existing you are agitating and calling into question their self deception and lies. The bottom line is you cannot control an interaction but because of our intensity often we really want a friendship or relationship to work out because of our vision for the future. But that's not the way it works.
LOL! I know that one, and my boss was kerb crawling in a red light district and tried to pick me up! But I was only on my way home....LOL! OMG he was just so scared of me after that. I couldn't stand that toxic workplace anyway, everyone was so fake.
@@deborahcurtis1385 I can just walk into a place and feel the low Vibration, it wears me out. I already know, I'm not staying long. We are surrounded by 3D people and you better get used to being alone. I'm living in my car for now, at least I don't have to put up with the negative people. If I don't like something, I just turn the key. Namaste, Deb.
INTP male here. ENFJ and INFJ ladies can be a bit intense, but I personally adore it. The focus on authenticity and meaninful communication is the bee's knees. Sadly, finding you gals is a bit tricky. You're rare, you hide well, avoid well, and getting the opportunity to get to know you is a bit of a trial. Not that an INTP male is any better...I mean first you have to get us out of the house and away from our electro-doodads and then the battle of wits begins. But the emotional intimacy that forms is mind-blowing. I'm dating an INFJ now. She's turned me into a cuddler. I scarcely even liked being touched before and now I'm her personal teddy bear. It's freakin' awesome. I've never been so emotionally expressive in my life. She, on the otherhand, has learned to be more thoughtful and strategic in her planning and she's starting to go places because of it. The only downside: The two of us in a large, crowded and loud public space: once her fatigue exceeds her excitement for the event, she's ready to curl into a ball and cry, and I'm calculating the most efficient trajectory to get us out while running into the fewest people the moment we stepped foot into this place (and now we're at the furthest possible distance from the doors). But on that particular event, we got home, she made some cocoa and I made a blanket fort and we watched a movie together inside it.
I love that! Thank you for the insight you show in knowing to get her to the doors and get out of there, and for the last part. The blanket fort and cocoa ending is perfect, to my mind. So is it true? Or are you a romance novel writer?
Aww so cool. I'm INFJ, can't remember what my bf is, but yes..!!! He's an introverted something. The connection and communication between us is off the charts. I'm so happy for you guys ❤️
Wow. Just wow. Tomorrow is my 43rd birthday and here I was, depressed, feeling lost... My whole life I felt different, unfathomable even to myself... In these last few days I've started to wonder why people either hate me or adore me, and then they just avoid me. This have happened lately a lot, old "friends" and lovers that used to love me, all of a sudden and seemingly without a reason going out of their way to avoid me. And then I randomly stumble upon this video. And it's astounding how it describes my whole life, in a way I never could. It is really refreshing to know I am not an alien... Or rather, I am, but there are others like me out there. I am an INFJ! I am subscribing. I will watch this video again and take notes. It's like finding a piece of the hardest puzzle ever. Thank you!
Had no idea this was an INFJ thing. Yes, I attract narcissists. 3 partners (stayed with the first one for over 20 years). It makes you wonder “Am I the narcissist?” When I asked my trauma therapist that question, he laughed at me and then broke it down for me to help me understand I wasn’t. I think you might even continue to feed their ego but your supply becomes tarnished the more human you become to them and you become scary the more you know about them. Next thing you know they’re looking for a new shiny bauble who doesn’t really know them. I wasn’t taking on projects. My first 20+ year ex thought I was THE project… well, he broke me down during the first two years into a project-I wasn’t one when we met and it took me a long time to recover my sense of self. I saw that tendency with friends-my taking on people as projects-when I was a teen and backed away from that because it really saps one’s energy and people are not projects. (My health issues have always limited my energy and so, I’ve always been aware of energy expenditure.) I’d gotten it in my head early in life that everyone needs cheerleaders… so I cheerled everyone (not just the people I was possibly interested in). It took having three of these relationships to realise I need to stop cheerleading so much in general so as not to draw narcissists to me. I have also never hid my intensity with anyone. I’m autistic and unlike a lot of autistic women, I’m not good at masking and so being able to hide my intensity was not a skill I possessed. Being authentically myself was always at the top of my personal agenda. I need to look less like a shiny bauble-I know your advice is to shine, but that hasn’t worked for me. (This makes me sad because the message I am giving myself is that I actually need to be less me, though backing off the cheerleading isn’t as hard as I thought it would be.) Also, my first ex pointed out repeatedly how naive I was (am). I thought this was the result of trauma and it was only when I pushed my trauma therapist on this point that he told me he suspected I was autistic and put me through testing. It was my therapist’s opinion that narcissists, pathologically co-dependent people (true of covert narcissists), and psychopaths are drawn to autistic people because we take much longer to pick up on the game underway. Perhaps INFJs have a bit of a Pollyanna view of other people as well-seeing the best in others and never thinking that the shadow sides they see will come for them. I think my boldness, my intensity made the narcissists I attracted as love interests think I was some sort of narcissistic match (I attract covert narcissists who appear to the whole world to be super nice people). I think they think, even if only subconsciously, that, given my intensity, I was that someone special who would have the passion to fight with them. That’s not me. I’m not interested in working through people’s childhood trauma dramas in that way (e.g., playing a role, following a script, being the dragon they need to slay, etc.)-it’s dispiriting, exhausting, and mind-numbingly boring and I get slain in the end (fortunately figuratively to date). That was long sorry.
Wow. Thank you for the explanation; I have very little understanding of how an autistic person sees things, am only starting to understand and accept myself as an INFJ, so that was really helpful. I am sorry you went thru that! Glad you found a good therapist though. I wish you well. Your story gives me hope for a dear relative who was in a covert narc relationship that messed her up for years. Thank you again.
It all sounds pretty familiar here, too...🤔 Narcissists suck. I hate having to be intent on reeling it back in when just going about my life, but the result if I don't is that I am a big magnet for crazy people. I am not diagnosably on the spectrum, but I tend to be empathic. I have also worked with lots of autistic kids, and they very often seem to absorb the moods around them, too. If the whole school is having an off day, you'll know it first in the self contained autism classrooms. 😂😢
I've learned to "put a lid on my emotions and actions." I prefer to be alone and I don't waste my valuable time on people who not only don't appreciate it, they tread all over you. Since I put me first in this dialogue I've had a lot less stress and negative emotions. I can't say I'm happy but at least I'm nobody's little scapegoat anymore. Be true to yourself.
And they can´t keep-up with us, keep processing, comprehending. Yeah no, we don´t think we are more than anybody else, it´s not about that, that are just cold-blooded facts.
INFJs are incredibly kind and it is so easy to take advantage of them. Their boundaries must be respected. I work with at least 5 INFJs (that I know of, others I suspect but they did not want to do the MBTI test, we are nurses). They are ALL very insightful. Some of them were a bit suspicious of me in the beginning but I have proven myself to be real (I'm an INFP, I can't be anything else). One of the issues with INFJs is their gentle nature and I can tell they see everything. They see all of me, and that really frightens some ppl. INFJs are so insightful, they see right through everyone. Some ppl just run from this, they don't want the INFJ to see them as they really are, personally, I embrace that. Also I loathe bullies and INFJs get bullied. Well they don't when I am around, I look after them. I would say that our unit is pretty INFJ friendly. I suspect the MD on our unit might be an INFJ as well although our relationship is more formal. I only heard through the grapevine that she was being bullied by some or one of the nurses on our unit, I went to her and told her that I would step in and put a stop to it if she wanted. She smiled and told me it was all right. Of course I let others know I went to her about this issue and apparently that was enough (the bullies don't like to tangle with me), they are leaving her alone for the most part now. I am really old and will be retiring soon and I will miss my INFJ colleagues a lot. Oh yes, I should add that one of my sons is an INFJ, he is incredible.
I’m infj, you just have to stand up first yourself. I’m a nurse too I just had to get with people where they cut up at then they call the heck down. You get a bad rep as being rude but I felt much better standing up for myself than letting fockers walk over me!
I"m an infj, and my partner is an infp, you guys don't like bullies either LOL :D I found that out when a women got drunk/hostile with me one night while I was defending our dog, and to my utter shock, my otherwise gentile partner stopped the woman's aggressive advances with authority.
I don’t care if they want to carry their insecurities to their grave. That’s none of my business. But they have started hurting me in many different ways because of their insecurities. That’s where the real problem is. I can take things only for so long. There is a limit to my patience. Of course, I am going to explode after months & years of delays. Like what were you even expecting? That this can go on forever? You didn’t leave me with any other option. You are thinking about this one time when I exploded. Now look at the time span for which I kept my mouth shut. Yes, I knew it all along. I just didn’t want you to feel bad, in all my sincerity. Because I am a compulsive empath, I feel everything you feel. Hurting you feels like hurting myself only.
Yup, it makes you feel lonely. Due to various reasons, I grew up without any friends. At the uni I felt more free and I had my peak when I shined. On a surface it seemed to others that I am super social and ”popular”, but in reality I had not even a single real friend. All of them would call me only to then talk about themselves, as I am a good listener. If I had one, even a small problem, I would be told I am dramatic or just that ”it will get better”.. and then they would continue about themselves. Even about their cousins I ve never met. But then its fine. So I went back to shutting down myself and now I am super cautious. I get myself out there with a hope that someone will notice me and appreciate at least some of deeds I do for others. But, I cant say there is a single person. Even friends I consider the closest dont seem to care how I am feeling or checking on me when I feel low. They think it will pass, since I never forced them to listen to me..yet alone to understand me. They make fun of my interests and remarks, but then use my comments or my jokes in front of others to get ”laughs” and reactions. Or make fun of me, whil getting upset if I would do te same. And its interesting how others like it when it comes from them, but they look at me weird if I say it. It is hard to keep up, but I am just getting too used to do things on my own. Even on dating apps like tinder. So many likes and matches and then they give up the moment you try to talk or share interests. So naturally you see yourself as a problem.. and it leds to to overthink or just giv on things. But it is still better to have nothing, than just tolerating anything. :)
Same here. Feels like the on going message all my life is that I'm allowed to be myself if I do it alone and stay invisible. I get called names and laughed at too for everything I do and say even when I'm doing something I'm really good at. The head cook where I work always calls me trailer park and there's nothing trailer park about me. I get cut off, cut down, blown off, and looked at like a weirdo when I'm just being quiet and reserved and doing my work and not acting like anything. I thought my daycare lady was the one person I might be able to confide in and when I told her what was happening she asked if I had ever been diagnosed with psychotic psychosis. Wow. I give up.
@@michelletaylor6856 sorry to hear that! Just stay strong as in the end… the best people for us are we ourselves ☺️ It is sad to say so, as we all need external support as well… but I guess this is our destiny.
I’ve been in so many interviews, meetings, and then there’s a sudden complete stop. The energy changes, and it’s uncomfortable until the end, then ghosted. It’s like the other person is in a nightmare or something.
And damn. I can’t believe you said the make yourself small so other people will feel more comfortable & let us be part of the group. That just floored me. As I have been doing this since childhood. And my voice & mannerisms change depending who is standing in front of me. Over active mirroring neurons I was told. Very hard for me to hold an accent. Don’t even know what my voice would sound like- actually I do. I think my poetry voice is the true self. My therapist cried. But have been beaten up bullied a lot for being the weird kid, you’re too sensitive, cried a lot in school. I’ve had therapists & friends literally say you’re so powerful but you hide your power & pretend to be weak- why? And for me it is so I can be near people. Otherwise they like in childhood are afraid or freaked out by me. I used to not watch this channel- sound sensitive. Pitch & tone are very tough for me at certain frequencies. I am very thankful I watched this one & all the way to the end. Thank you🙏
In my experience with infj's they make you into an image thats more in the infj's mind than the reality of who you are, which is disturbing, uncomfortable, and painful. People dont want to be a figment of the infj's imagination, we want to be seen and heard for who we are, too.
I worry that I will push people away if I am my authentic self, but thanks for making this video and saying that we will attract the right people into our lives by being our authentic selves. I'm making sure that I will be authentic in 2023 and hope to find my tribe.
Yes it might push people away cause they never know how to take us being so multi-faceted. Hold your head high, be the most intense light you can be, and your tribe will come to you. I wished I had the bravery when I was younger...
Oh Wow! 😂 I have so been doing this and seriously thought I was helping n didn't understand why they get intimidated. I just came to the conclusion that some people get intimidated by me, I never knew people are entitled to their insecurities, I thought I should help them heal. Thank you for this light bulb moment ❤
I actually find that I ghost them but most of the time it’s not out of spite or resentment. I never feel comfortable reaching out or initiating things. Unfortunately, people take it the wrong way. They might take it personally.
I just door slam when I have been betrayed, feel used, or have had enough of being a councillor to needy people who just drain my energy. I seem to attract people like that constantly, and have done all my life.
Honestly, I prefer ghosting to the vampires; you know the lovely people (especially family leeches which I never chose in life) who ignore your existence until wanting something to take from this infj. Out of high respect for Wenzes, let's just say that I never play games and my reaction is candid gestalt words and actions which demand no trespassing on my boundaries. The vampires eventually learn that my tolerance for toxic drama is quite limited to a few seconds. Life then remains with decent people who appreciate authenticity and pure goodwill in the long run.
My best friend, for 4 years now, is an INFJ and I love her to pieces. I would never ghost her. She is the most awesome person I have ever met, makes sense, holds me accountable, and is the wisest person I have ever met. I will be a friend to her for as long as she will put up with my occasional goofiness. I talk to her every day. Sometimes it's not much and other times it's quite in depth. We seem to be able to understand each other...oh yeah, I might mention, I am an INFP. Fairly close to the same.
Going thru this now and sucks. "I'd rather be disliked for who I am then liked for who I'm not" hit the spot and I got it. My intensity is off the roof most of the time and love it but see how it kinda throws people off. Thank you for that.
I decided that I am just going to have my RB face, don’t be to warm when meeting people and don’t get to close so I don’t have to maintain any thing. Problem solved.
I have to say that this subject and your articulation about it has hit so strongly with me. I have followed you for about 3-4 years now and your development and ability to articulate the IN FJ dynamics has evolved and developed so incredibly that you almost have n me convinced to contact you and try out your boot camp. As an INFJ, especially a 61year old male INFJ it is rare to find anyone on the planet who is capable of helping me develop any faster as a human than I can by myself, you may be capable… thank you so much for this perspective you have given me. There is a saying I always use to put me in the right perspective, “ when the student is ready, the teacher will appear “… thank you for showing up for me right now. Namaste.🙏
Hi people... ENTP here and I was intrigued by this because I never ghost INFJs but I can see what she's talking about and how other people would react that way. Take her advice because INFJs are amazing and deserve better so yeah do that. Listen to her and be awesome. Good luck people.
I have seen a pattern of friends that I make… never making the effort to keep me in their lives. That even goes for one I am sure is a soulmate friend. I have thought that (being a highly spiritual person of pure heart) it’s because I have a light in me that people are not ready for or… maybe they believe themselves to be unworthy of it. After watching this video, I now think that the reason above is only one of a few. ❤
Im an ENFP male and found an INFJ female. Our connection was so profound that i got very uncomfortable. Since im not a narcissist i told her that i admired her after getting to know her and made up my mind i will always be there for her no matter what! I now absolutely ADORE her and she will always have a very special place in my heart. As an ENFP its hard for me to truly listen to someone but when it comes to her, I LOVE listening to her. Best wishes to all INFJs. Youre all a God sent. That includes you wenzes, youre awesome
Wow! This describes my dating life almost exactly! I actually got a bit teary eyed because this actually answered a lot of things for me. I’m 51 years old and have tested as INFJ-A several times since my 20s.
Learning at 45.. always knew I was infj for empathy etc.. but basics.. only just started learning about all the crazy shit especially the rage.. my rage comes out when there is betrayal especially.. with partners or close friends and have added cptsd to that crazyness. hypervigilance, arousal, the blind rage, terrible coping overrides..
Most people seem to think I'm an idiot when they first meet me. When they discover that nothing could be further from the truth they get as far away from me as possible.
Hi Wenzes! I wonder if you have or would ever consoder a video that conpares a day in life for an infj who has studied, put in the work, and made big changes - vs a day for an infj who hasn't had the benefit of self knowledge, and years of personal work. I would love to see such a video, and I believe it would help some of us to better grasp some of the minor, day to day differences a more epic life would involve. Also, ty, the videos are helpful on multiple levels!!
Same. My pattern is we start out eye to eye, me being upfront and bringing who I am. Genuinely appreciate them, definitely don’t look down on but also I don’t fawn over them. I do say supportive and encouraging things. They lose interest over the years and their ability to listen wanes and the whole thing becomes all about them over time. I prefer to be asked about my life, but if they lack that social grace, I can open up…but if they go monosyllabic 🤷♀️Then, in end stage, they pop in from time to time to vent about something. Finally, the issue is that they just lack the character to hold themselves to the standards that would make a relationship work. And it’s not like I am special at bringing this out! Most people are lonely for a reason.
Me too. I call them out on their behaviour. So they do the devaluation because they can’t accept accountability for their actions so they throw low blows because of their insecurity and false self.
Many truths about the INFJ in this. I like too that you spoke about it not being our place to delve into others real deeply psychologically. Its not our place to try to heal all their wounds, essentially. Not only is that not good for our own mental health, as you discovered, but on a spiritual level we all must work through our own inner issues ourselves, and at our own pace. If we entangle ourselves deeply in someone else’s issues, then we take the chance of also taking on their karma. One will suffer the consequences of that. But more importantly, the other person probably won’t learn the lessons they came here to learn if we interject so deeply. Or we may delay their learning, or speed it up when they aren’t ready for it, or any number of things. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help others. It just means we must step back at some point and allow them to do the work themselves. Another good way, as you are doing, is to teach others about how they can improve their lives. In this way you aren’t doing the work for them. You’re just showing them some things that may help them along if they try them.
Because infjs are more aware than most of the people, and when they first try to live authentically, they, in most cases they even loose their own family. So this lose sometime makes them covert people pleaser and thus attract narcissists. And the sad part is sometime they are shamed for bringing out the insecurities of people.
Oh gosh…”the intensity” thing, I used to LIVE for the one person that could go to for intensity, and I ended up in a trauma bond. It was soooo agonizing to have my outlet for that tied to one single person-or a person at all. Slowly I’m making steps to just live out that intensity on my own in the way I wrote novels or what have you, and it’s a 1000x more fulfilling. 👌
but not dimming my light (assuming i have any) makes me see myself as a narcissist. You know the natural tendency of people to boast, I typically just listen and be like 'ohh cool', 'Amazing' etc. without feeling the need to say anything about myself because if i do so, i'd see myself as a narcissist.
It's been happening a lot to me lately. I've come to say that "To know me is to loathe me." My main problem is that at this time of importance I share too much that isn't in a standard media created package. We luve in an unusual time of loyalty being more important than truth.
I had a lot of things to say but in essence: it's nice to know that I'm not alone having this lifepath experience. It would be so wonderful to have someone similar in immediate environment. This was a brilliant summary, keep on shining!
Re: narcissists. I didn't realize by trying to improve their opinions of themselves (or even stating what I did admire about them) that it translated into reducing their opinion of me. I didn't consciously minimize myself, for the most part. I now realize they simply can't grasp 'equals'. (Makes me wonder how they passed basic math.) Mystery for the ages...
Holy toledo I think you just saved my life. These past few weeks have been *TOUGH* and I just felt like a broken toy. You started listing things I specifically wanted to address or "fix". 🤦
Do you have any videos on how to survive the workplace as an infj? People always say how others will stop bullying or mistreating you if you don't react and that has not been true at all; in fact it's getting worse even though I continue to be nice and quietly back out of the negative energy while finding other useful things to do to stay busy. If I address anything out loud no matter how politely done I get treated like a crazy person and a weirdo
Bullies see most things as weakness, in my experience. & they're great at justifying their behavior (even if only to/in themselves). I think they only respect strength, displayed the way they display it (their version of strength/leadership). You have options, including being nasty right back to them; but if you're not equals it may not help. (!sorry!!!! I really sympathise; I had to leave a career because bullying was so prevalent in that industry.) Knowing what I know now, & after healing for several years, I might explicitly call them out on it to their faces and ask for specific changes--- at least, I hope I would; but I don't know. As to "bullies stop if you don't react", that may be so for some types but not all!! In my experience just the action of bullying, itself, fed their inner core till some outside force stopped them; my reaction did not matter.
I could easily write an entire essay on each point.....suffice to say, been there, done that. Been on a new attitude and life contruc since 2020, love the light of me, if you can't handle it, no worries, you weren't meant too. Top shelf quality only, thank you.
as a co dependent infj i had to go no contact with my family. a friend who i thought was close to me just banned me. now i know why. ya nailed it for me. i just found this channel as i am just finding myself
Hi, I've been watching your videos for some time and they do partially resonate with me. I have always been an infj-a and always felt that there was a purpose to my interacting with people. Delusion or divinity, my interactions have always shown people that I see their potential as a partner, professional and/or friend. Once my purpose is done, usually my relationships go away. Never in a dramatic nor hurtful fashion. All your color and description are about strength veiled in weakness, but there are some of us infj souls that walk through life KNOWING we are gifted. Long winded request for an infj-t and infj-a analysis. It is my hope that if infj-t know we infj-a are out here, the entirety of the community would be more productive in our pursuits of making people, families and workplaces better. Thank you for everything you do and keep up the amazing work! Love your content!
Holding onto the improbable return, love, acceptance, or even acknowledgment of my existence, is torture.I knew that the outcome where I would be entirely rejected (regardless of what I did, didn’t, etc). I knew the moment that she ”ghosted”, that I’d never see her again. Side note on being ghosted: if the things we discuss as a community are true. Mainly how we are triggering and the adverse reactions that others have courtesy of their ego. That plays into the narratives often associated with being discarded by a personality disordered person. Posit that someone in that group is triggered and is beginning their devalue, discard, routine. There’s a thought to be had for those of us who do behave in manners talked about on this channel. If there was a chance that person was going to change course, we’ve made sure to turn the volume up to 11, adding a level of fear. Ie. Take a hoover for example. Often they come back without apology/changed behavior or they completely avoid accountability by assuming the angle of “nothing happened”. If you, like me, made sure to lay out everything…EVERYTHING, to that person during the discard. They aren’t too stupid to miss that every path back, with people like us, is through the truth. And, I, at least, laid out the truth about the person I am, and that I subconsciously am more of a being than she was, in human form. So there’s no putting the jack back in the box. I know it sounds cruel to judge her intelligence so harshly. I didn’t bring anything up until she literally told me that she felt superior to me. Yep, that type of person. By the way, I’m not saying my subconscious existence is living a fruitful life. Simply more than what her conscious self is. 😂😂. It’s actually disheartening that there’s yet another piece of hard evidence that we’ll find a way to convince ourselves that there’s still hope. I think, all the rhetoric about how we function in similar ways, and that we’re not wrong in the way we call things out, as we do. Is missing something that I’ve never heard anywhere. All this triggering…A life as an ego assassin…The truth superhero! Who has changed? None of the ghosts. Or if they did (spoiler alert…they didn’t) are we supposed to believe they changed for the world (sons me?) We, or I, tend to bring the insecurities up because I see them so easily, and assume everyone else is kind of similar, in mind. Why are we the righteous ones? Seems like everyone else doesn’t want us to do some of the things we do. Maybe we aren’t right. Or maybe we are, but maybe we have the choice to either ride that unicycle for all or eternity, in our truth. Doomed to an existence of seeing everyone we love, prove to us that greatest fear. That we’re not lovable. Or we can adjust to a point that we simply (hahahaha) suppress those thoughts, like we had until they triggered us by invalidating us. I think we’re addicted to that part of the relationship. Trying to be so positive all the time and maybe we just need to be able to vent. It would be different if all things tried in a positive manner were received without resistance. We’re walking a thin line. Cause a narc gets triggered and then rips what’s left of your life away. When we get triggered we seem to have that exact same conviction about completing what our subconscious needs. Maybe we should further adopt a “it is what it is” mentality, when it comes to allowing our monster to come out. We’re never going to be able to explain to someone who sees us as inferior, that it’s intentional. Because, first, we don’t see others as inferior. And second, what good has it ever done by trying to explain to the biggest ego in the room that they’re actually not even close to top dog? Tell me some success stories! My literal pantomime of existence is almost on par with you. Now, if you somehow made it through that mess. I know it’s sloppy even by my abstract standards. That would be apropos when speaking of a narcissistic relationship…but…if we remove that toxicity, the normies aren’t coming back either. So it is like “I am legend” (book ending) where Robert Neville (?) realizes that he in fact is now the monster. Maybe we should take all this self awareness and figure out a way to avoid this disaster spin cycle, on repeat. I know you say to let out our truth from the jump. But, in my case, I’m very open. The only way my abilities are underestimated is because I manipulate existence. And if I let that partner (pre partner) know that I’m essentially DID, but I’ve such control over the other parts of me that they are hardly intrusive. Cause I don’t think that’s going to get me a second date. 😂😂 The rub that just hit me. You’d think that when we’re pushed to unleash our version of hell, that going from being admired to someone they were dating as a charity case. You know, because we’re the small ones. That the switch from that, to being admired by someone of substance, would be enticing. That’s how much we’re reaching. We’re hoping that this person that would rather feel superior than to be even around any opportunity for growth, will all of a sudden augment the definition of themselves to join our party. It doesn’t feel like a party 😢. The thing is, we can share as much about ourselves as we want, but if what we say isn’t being listened to and our behaviors aren’t being noticed, then what we share is irrelevant. It’s the audience.
ESFPs actually are pretty good friends to INFJs. They are surprisingly pretty accepting of both our good and bad, and they don't really judge from what I found. ESFJs are great but they have 400% the energy and if you take a day off from them, their feelings get so hurt and they get hateful. It is hard to find someone, lol anyone who you actually like. I think ENFJs would be nice, ideally but also only maybe, and ENTJs seem to like us and are tough which is nice. Anyone with weak Fi is a no go. Fe is the best combo if they are strong. ISTPs can put up with a lot but we don't really connect in the end. Personality type matching is a real thing, a very real thing.
There are so many variations of ppl in just one mbti type. I think when a person judges people)potential friends/people at work on mbti stereotypes...that person could miss out on so many nice ppl and unexpected amazing human connection and love. Why choose to close yourself off already so much and not give ppl a chance. Not even based on 'bad' behaviour but already ruling ppl out just on function. Closing yourself off like that, could also make YOU miss out on getting to know yourself better and in a deeper way, you might miss out on important life experiences and learn how to deal better with curveballs life might throw, learn how to handle conflict better, and you might miss out on personal growth etc etc. Other ppl by not knowing you, might miss out on valuable things you could teach them. Why would you not give yourself the love and care to expand yourself and give yourself the experiences to grow from? Why would you choose this way of thinking and choose to belief these particular beliefs? Would they not restrict you from your own expansion at one point? Ppl who you think might not fit you, could teach you about yourself the most(and about them of course). We need ppl in many different ways on multiple levels, ppl might need you, and we are not meant to be islands all the time. I wish you the best. - enfj
I had so many situations as being disconnected from someone, I learned to let them go ..I am now happy, because I don’t get involved anymore. I, now, protect myself first!
It’s scary how right you are about everything. If I watched this video when I started dating I wouldn’t have understood a thing. Now after 8 months, you are absolutely right
I’ve only just realised in the last week about these types and that I am very clearly an INFJ. It’s both a shock and a relief all at once and explains a great many things about my life of nearly 64 years. I love my life, I really do have the most amazing life but it was not always so. I have suffered greatly till I realised and accepted who I am when I was 50. I’m here learning because I had to end a very beautiful new relationship with a woman when she ‘blew a fuse’, for want of a better term. It was too intense for her, even though she said it was the relationship she had always dreamed of. It came to a point where she could no longer even be in my presence it was too much for her. All her unresolved stuff just kept coming up and nothing I did could change that. This has been the story of my life from when I was very young. I guess it’s not surprising that my careers have been as a professional artist and 30 years as a therapist at the same time. Very interesting the whole thing
My closest friend since childhood always had me to listen to his woes. I too have had struggles in life, but I am a very private person and never shared. Throughout he kept telling me that I shouldn't try to handle things on my own. He kept insisting I didn't have to be Batman and be this brooding guy who never shared his problems. So now after over 50 years of friendship I finally took his advice and started to trust him more. Last December after all this time he just suddenly said he didn't want to be my friend anymore and he insisted he didn't need to tell me why. I still don't know why. Your explanation is probably the closest to an explanation that I am ever going to get. Thank you for that, it will lead me to the closure that I wasn't otherwise allowed.
OMG ... this topic is really what I'd been through in my life. Thanks God now I am alone, can arrange & carry on my life into the best version of myself 😊❤
Very significant points, Wenzes. And for me, #5 stood out big time - namely, uncovering people's insecurities. My experience has been getting criticized, put down, or dropped for a number of things that the critic in question is also doing him or herself. Often they were very blunt with me if I felt insecure, or had done something that threatened them, and usually were outspoken and rude about it. In other words, they could "dish it out but not take it." And to complicate things, I would get this kind of behavior when trying to help them! This happened some years back when a relationship with a valued relative (whom I often wanted to encourage) - and it ended when we had a very bad argument about something that revealed to him that I knew what he was insecure about. It destroyed the relationship. We have somewhat mended fences now, but often that sort of thing never gets resolved. I'm older now, and have worked in the teaching profession long enough to know that we can help any person only so much. And it's not worth losing our self-respect over. It doesn't stop it from being painful, but I do believe we can get over it because I've had several times when I had to.
I watched this till the end, tried to figured out if there was my case in here. Yes, I ghosted 2 INFJs because one same reason mentioned at the end of the video. They don't respect my boundaries at all, didn't care about my mental health or the pace I'm okay with. As an Empath and an INFP, I can sense their insecurities as well but I respect them to be. I supported them but I knew my limits, and it's not my business to messed with. But they seemed to don't understand this at all and all while kept pushing me?? So I "slamed doors", protect myself. I loved they intensity and passion... somewhere else, not in my business.
Thanks for putting it. I was feeling melancholy over losing a friend, we used to be so close. It feels like my friendship is some fever dream that we're never friends because of how distant we have become over the years. They have moved on living their lives, don't even bother to share. It's not just a friend or two, the number is huge. And i kept thinking that I was a bad friend, without pointing out their mistakes. Thanks a lot. I found the validation to move on.
Thank you for this video. We do our best to act of good intention (including direct conversations when we feel some good will come from it). Once that level of honesty is reached they either view us differently or we view them differently.
I have to say every sign and problem you say is so accurate and always shocks me . I just mean the problem is being an INFJ and it's not anyone's fault ...
I didn't realize that I am a very intense person. I pull back so to make others feel good about themselves. I have been rejected also,now I can understand why. I can really read other people,but I won't tell them, because I know they will back off. But that's their loss,I am really caring, sincere,& insightful.
I am so relieved to have this info because this has happened to me (being love bombed then ghosted) so many times, and I have bent my brain into a pretzel to answer the question why does this always happen to me? This makes so much sense! And like a true INFJ/P I need to make sense of the world. I am literally crying for relief to have these answers, because I have been thinking I must be crazy and not seeing it (and doesn't every crazy person insist they're not crazy?). Besides my INFJ genes, I had an interesting childhood situation which exacerbated my relationship problems. I was deaf from the ages of 3-6 y.o. I am lucky it wasn't in the language development years, but it was during the social development years. So, I failed to learn societal expectations, and to find out how to fit into the world. Luckily, I also failed to absorb most of my alcoholic family system rules. I have spent all my life trying to figure out the rules, and trying to live by them, and hating to live that way, then trying to be authentic. I am a hermit now, for the most part. I've never been more satisfied with my life.
I'm an INFJ/INFP... I dated an INFJ, I ended it properly but I remember him not holding only limited space for accountability. He was extremely moody and always found ways to justify being mean to me. I'm grateful it's over. I will say initially there was an intense chemistry.
I just discovered your channel today. Your insights are already metamorphosing my understanding of my relationship with myself and others in a life-changing way. Immense respect and gratitude to you.
I feel like I do not play a role. I can, at times. But that is more about survival than getting someone to like me. I am most definitely intense. I feel everything to the extreme. I'm working on self-control and regulation.😊
Man, that's some real sh.. there! I've been thinking about this for quite a while. And don't forget, people will imitate you. You put this in perfect words. Namaste
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What experience have you made with being admired and then ghosted?
Actually, my latest relationship started exactly this way. I can literally relate to the entire video. Thank you so much for your content, that helped me recover from a breakup a lot
When they realize I don't play games 🎯. The Narcs hate accountability which leads to a dislike on both sides.
Wow, you've held up the mirror to us in a deeply insightful way again today.
The, not pretending to be weaker than you are... is the (my) biggest challenge I think
Bombarding people with my intensity, cos i live in a box
Please get some rest. I can tell always in your eyes.
what is shocking is when you realize a family member doesn't have a clue who you are...
Haha long ago, but yes
@@theinfjgoyim5508 me too, long ago
Yep I have this with just about all my family! None of them have a clue
Try 3 families 😂💪💛✨🙏
Took me until last year to realize that and Im 33
1 we attract narcissists. Do not make yourself small and narcs won’t be interested. Cut narcs out and don’t take on people who are projects and need help.
2. We are playing a role. The moment the INFJ starts showing all their layers, people can’t handle who we truly are. Be authentic and you’ll find people who appreciate who u truly are.
3. We often show up with intensity. But it overwhelms them. So they back off.
4. We hide our mental strengths. We dim ourselves and put light on the other person. The moment we stand out, the other person backs off because they are too insecure to be friends with us. Show up with all that you are and all your intensity - those who can’t handle it will stay away.
5. Because we uncover their deep insecurities. We know what to say and do because we can read them.
Unwillingness to help those in need is what leads to the death of love entirely. As a rule that's horrible. Help within your means.
All of those points are totally true.
I love #1! THX Hadnt thought if that!
Nailed it. 🎯
Agree
1. We attract narcissists
2. We play roles
3. We get more intensity with people
4. We hide our strengths
5. We uncover people's insecurities
"we hide our strength.. because it scares the shxt out of people"
@@TrevliaLiatrev-ts5zf - No, not at all what it means. I understand why ppl get this confused b/c most ppl DO NOT understand a thing about duality and how it really works b/c most ppl are binary thinkers and are always stuck in the either-or position that creates the false dichotomy. We INFJ's - us mature ones anyway - who truly do evolve out of our 'type' and into grown up versions of ourselves - are very diverse, eclectic ppl and our versatility is very misunderstood b/c most ppl think we should limit ourselves. This limitation creates a world of imbalanced and dysregulated chaos.
We INFJ's are very into balance and trying to find the right temperature, the right balance in all things - whether it's a comfort level in a relationship or a picture that needs adjusting on a wall. We are all about figuring out how to logically make sense of duality and that APPEARS to fools and unevolved ppl as 'borderlines' or bipolar. We MUST STOP always reverting to THAT same old default setting b/c there are many other categories of duality dynamics and nuance in them. But just b/c half the population IS mentally ill like that and just b/c someone can't figure out a duality dilemma, they automatically scream 'you're bipolar'! WRONG! The world is not that simple!
It's not wise nor logical to be stuck in the mainstream world of observation. I observe w/ my spirit, conscience, heart, full brain of both sides - the L and the R - and I think b4 I act and feel. I was also trained w/ the right tools to live this way by therapists for over 15 yrs to become this focused on balancing things as well as myself so that helps but yeah, BALANCE is the MATURE INFJ's #1 go-to tool & major topic in ALL areas of our lives.
@@TrevliaLiatrev-ts5zf No as we ignore validation from others for being ourselves, narcissists view us as confident person so they understands by controlling us will get more compliments from people
@@gogulaanandaa7548narcissists are attracted to people who will sacrifice their own needs to feed the narcissist’s ego. Someone who will make themselves small as to not outshine the narcissist, and who is independent so the narcissist won’t be expected to support them in any way.
@TrevliaLiatrev-ts5zf It means we tend to be empaths, and empaths just tend to attract toxic people, most especially narcissists. 🤷
What you have said is absolutely true. I am older, hopefully wiser, now. Ghosting someone is petty, childish and cruel - and they know it! I hate being a cynic, but in my personal and professional life I have found too many people are just selfish, unkind, jealous and insecure. You dont have to do anything to incur their wrath. For me the solution is not being too nice from the get go. I am never rude, but at the first red flag I pay attention. I dont get mad, I just wont play their games. Sometimes it is the door slam. I want to live a peaceful productive life. Too many people thrive on creating chaos for no good reason. We are better off alone than badly accompanied. The only person you can change is yourself. I, like others, are in a constant inner dialogue of self analysis. We put up with way too much bad behavior out of others, excusing them, self censoring everything we say to be polite, "walking in others shoes" etc. Enough! They will make you physically ill, financially, emotionally drained, bewildered, etc.
INFJs deserve much better. Thanks for your many insightful videos.❤️
I agree 100%. Being raised by an alcoholic dad and a covert narcissist mom, I expected bad treatment from men. Not now-now I keep my life quiet and peaceful, stress free. I am not lonely. Just content.🎉
Absolutely!!
I count myself as an older and hopefully wiser INFJ too Cheryl. I have cleaned house with many of the people I once associated. I am trying to follow some of Wenzes' advice about making myself the star of my own movie. I have spent the bulk of my existence feeling bad for existing as I do instead of showing up completely as myself. I can't count how many times I didn't reveal my true self for the sake of feeling like I will fit in better with a person or group if I just stay quiet or even fake my interest in something. Sports comes to mind. I really am not a sports person as far as being interested in millionaire players and what they do. But I learned (like so many do )that sports talk is the coin of the realm in many offices and bars. So I learned to go along to get along. But at the price of not being my authentic self. Not anymore. I wish only to be myself...like you. I would rather someone dislike me for being who I really am than like me for the person I am pretending to be.
Absolute truth! I wish I had known I was an INFJ when I was younger. Now at 53, I would rather be alone and in peace and work-wise, I will always defend myself, which they absolutely hate. I do hope that I could find someone that is genuine and kind and loving, but some of us are meant to be alone forever I guess. 💜💜💜
As a selfish, unkind, insecure and jealous person I was really butt-hurt by this comment. Unsubscribed!
I just found out I’m an INFJ personality I thought I’m abnormal 😭 coz nobody really understands me most of the time people around me misunderstood my intentions
You are special! I've been through this my whole life not understanding why they acted out around me. Be yourself and focus on what you want to do. I am 53 and I love being different now...I found people that appreciate me for being this way and you will too❤
That's a bit self victimising, this thrope of "nobody understands me", I've found out that if you communicate your needs and thoughts pretty clearly , people do understand and those who don't are maybe not for you. Wish you luck 🫧
All facts! I’m so tired of being loved, then ghosted when they’ve gotten everything they need from my energy, love, attention, kindness, support, etc…
I hope you are having a wonderful day my amazing friend. 🙂🌹❤️👍🏼
I often think of it as being a carton of juice. They suck all the juice out of you and then throw away tha empty carton.
Stop giving away all this until you know for sure who you're dealing with 🧐
"too insecure to deal with the INFJ level"...... well that's the reason we dim our light, because we know this in advance... exactly right. I knew what words you were going to say... lol
#2 I've caught myself playing roles just to test people, to see how they respond and to test their loyalty and ego. It is shocking how many expose themselves as backstabbing gossips when you feed them a little negative story about yourself even when it's not true. The worst offenders are those who use it against you later on, to demean you to your face. Door. Slam.
Lol yep... I do the "bs personal info drop n wait for it to come back to me" move all the time.
Oh THIS! I just had this and what I figured out is this person does not like herself. So she only wants to be with lesser people. People who lie to themselves and to others about who they are and trade is gossip and lies.
She said to me by way of accusation: "you think you're so special don't you?"
I thought about it and the next day I said: "everyone's special. Everyone's unique. And if you aren't comfortable with that you won't like someone who is". She shut up.
Same! I lay back and watch their true colors come out by keeping myself contained. It pays not to show your strengths at first so they can be comfortable showing you their authenticity and banter
So let me get this straight....you play a role (deceive) someone into thinking you're someone you're not, and then when they respond according to the role (deceit) you projected, you ghost them?
And you don't see anything wrong with this?
@@eminemstrash2021 Yup. But don't point out a failure of logic to an INFJ unless you're ready for nuclear meltdown. And all that Intuitive-Feel-Judging seems to lead to a lot of logical faliure. Completely oblivious to their own narcissism and tendency toward emotional manipulation.
The problem that some people encounter is that we do not support anything that is not authentic. We may appear friendly and relaxed - our normal state of being - and this can be interpreted as willingness to become a follower, student or hanger on. As you point out, eventually they will realize that they have entered a "No BS" zone, and this may produce anger or hostility.
Once the inevitable has started to play out it is best to quietly let it go. Not ghost them but just let them be and try not to make it any harder for them.
Thanks for this Wenzes - really interesting content!
The BEST explanation! Thank you
@@ethnocentricfun991 Thanks Ethno!
Yes! I had this happen with my dad's girlfriend who is very ignorant about the news and believes propaganda about the war and while my dad puts up with it and doesn't tell her what he really thinks about the war, I can't hold back and I did tell her she was ignorant and it's ripped the family apart because I'm not allowed to visit at my dad's house anymore as long as she stays there.
I’m autistic in addition to being an INFJ and I can miss the game in play at first. The other person, conducting their own childhood trauma drama, thinks I’m playing along only to find out as time goes on I’m not. It’s just that their trauma drama all start off the same-someone to play the hero that they can later flip the script and turn into the villain. Being who we are means we fulfil both roles well and those who are not as naive as me, catch on quicker and maybe don’t get involved romantically with them.
SO true! The mistake agreeableness for complicity. They talk and try to dominate and you let them a bit because you have not the same need for dominance. When you try to even up the friendship they freak out! Better to evaluate early on and take a friendship very slowly.
what this doesn't allow for are the unique circumstances of the post Covid19 world and that some people are simply feeling lonely and rushing their friendships.
I've had this happen to me so many times, I should not be surprised anymore. The best advise I would give in such situations: try not take it personally (cause in most cases the person who cut you off has a problem with themselves), it's really their loss cause statistically speaking the chance of them meeting another infj such as yourself are very low, I repeat THEIR LOSS. :)
Awesome! Thank you n to think I thought I was not trying enough. Wow😊
@@auntyyunike You're welcome. I know what you mean, I used to think that too. It took me years to realize I should have focused my precious time on more prosperous tasks than trying to make "the blind" see my worth haha, (what a waste of time indeed) but key is to learn from this and be future orientated. Good luck :).
Exactly and they probably miss the infj
One of the things I noticed is that people reveal stuff to me and I’d meet someone at a party and get on really well and the next thing I’d know they’d be saying, “I’ve never told anyone this,” and then I’d never see them again. Fear… they revealed too much.
It’s not poss possible in 🇧🇪 Yeah Australia is far from over ❤😊 9:52
“I’m never going to go into the depths of somebody else who hasn’t invited me there psychologically…” SO PROFOUND!!! Thank you for sharing this video! I feel so seen and it means more to me than I can tell you with words.
Most people prefer to stay in shallow waters. A friend and I have come to realise that we’re mermaids and not meant for most people. We need others who can go deep. (We shared mermaid cards and the like with each other to remind ourselves of who we are.)
Oh I love this and if ever I begin to forget @@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS, I'll remind myself that I'm a mermaid 🧜🏾♀️ sending you both big love 🤎
BDPs invite you in. I wouldn’t accept the invitation though..
@@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS we have the vision of a true king , we have the insights within us let us bring them out and be eagles and captians to lead many to what is good
@@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS You are lucky to have a friend that gets you. It is a rare find.❤
No one can handle us. Like it’s too good to be true . I get ghosted often
I do to. Even my Employers get insecure. I knew my Employer was having an affair with an Employee. He was glad to get my notice, you could tell. Namaste
An authentic person is a threat to inauthentic people, just by existing you are agitating and calling into question their self deception and lies. The bottom line is you cannot control an interaction but because of our intensity often we really want a friendship or relationship to work out because of our vision for the future. But that's not the way it works.
LOL! I know that one, and my boss was kerb crawling in a red light district and tried to pick me up! But I was only on my way home....LOL! OMG he was just so scared of me after that. I couldn't stand that toxic workplace anyway, everyone was so fake.
@@deborahcurtis1385 I can just walk into a place and feel the low Vibration, it wears me out. I already know, I'm not staying long. We are surrounded by 3D people and you better get used to being alone. I'm living in my car for now, at least I don't have to put up with the negative people. If I don't like something, I just turn the key. Namaste, Deb.
INTP male here. ENFJ and INFJ ladies can be a bit intense, but I personally adore it. The focus on authenticity and meaninful communication is the bee's knees. Sadly, finding you gals is a bit tricky. You're rare, you hide well, avoid well, and getting the opportunity to get to know you is a bit of a trial. Not that an INTP male is any better...I mean first you have to get us out of the house and away from our electro-doodads and then the battle of wits begins. But the emotional intimacy that forms is mind-blowing. I'm dating an INFJ now. She's turned me into a cuddler. I scarcely even liked being touched before and now I'm her personal teddy bear. It's freakin' awesome. I've never been so emotionally expressive in my life. She, on the otherhand, has learned to be more thoughtful and strategic in her planning and she's starting to go places because of it. The only downside: The two of us in a large, crowded and loud public space: once her fatigue exceeds her excitement for the event, she's ready to curl into a ball and cry, and I'm calculating the most efficient trajectory to get us out while running into the fewest people the moment we stepped foot into this place (and now we're at the furthest possible distance from the doors). But on that particular event, we got home, she made some cocoa and I made a blanket fort and we watched a movie together inside it.
I love that! Thank you for the insight you show in knowing to get her to the doors and get out of there, and for the last part. The blanket fort and cocoa ending is perfect, to my mind. So is it true? Or are you a romance novel writer?
You are making me happy and envious of you at the same time :))
I wish you both to be forever together and happy
Aww so cool. I'm INFJ, can't remember what my bf is, but yes..!!! He's an introverted something. The connection and communication between us is off the charts. I'm so happy for you guys ❤️
Wow. Just wow. Tomorrow is my 43rd birthday and here I was, depressed, feeling lost... My whole life I felt different, unfathomable even to myself... In these last few days I've started to wonder why people either hate me or adore me, and then they just avoid me. This have happened lately a lot, old "friends" and lovers that used to love me, all of a sudden and seemingly without a reason going out of their way to avoid me. And then I randomly stumble upon this video. And it's astounding how it describes my whole life, in a way I never could.
It is really refreshing to know I am not an alien... Or rather, I am, but there are others like me out there. I am an INFJ!
I am subscribing. I will watch this video again and take notes. It's like finding a piece of the hardest puzzle ever.
Thank you!
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!🥳🎂😃
Had no idea this was an INFJ thing. Yes, I attract narcissists. 3 partners (stayed with the first one for over 20 years). It makes you wonder “Am I the narcissist?” When I asked my trauma therapist that question, he laughed at me and then broke it down for me to help me understand I wasn’t. I think you might even continue to feed their ego but your supply becomes tarnished the more human you become to them and you become scary the more you know about them. Next thing you know they’re looking for a new shiny bauble who doesn’t really know them.
I wasn’t taking on projects. My first 20+ year ex thought I was THE project… well, he broke me down during the first two years into a project-I wasn’t one when we met and it took me a long time to recover my sense of self. I saw that tendency with friends-my taking on people as projects-when I was a teen and backed away from that because it really saps one’s energy and people are not projects. (My health issues have always limited my energy and so, I’ve always been aware of energy expenditure.)
I’d gotten it in my head early in life that everyone needs cheerleaders… so I cheerled everyone (not just the people I was possibly interested in). It took having three of these relationships to realise I need to stop cheerleading so much in general so as not to draw narcissists to me.
I have also never hid my intensity with anyone. I’m autistic and unlike a lot of autistic women, I’m not good at masking and so being able to hide my intensity was not a skill I possessed. Being authentically myself was always at the top of my personal agenda. I need to look less like a shiny bauble-I know your advice is to shine, but that hasn’t worked for me. (This makes me sad because the message I am giving myself is that I actually need to be less me, though backing off the cheerleading isn’t as hard as I thought it would be.)
Also, my first ex pointed out repeatedly how naive I was (am). I thought this was the result of trauma and it was only when I pushed my trauma therapist on this point that he told me he suspected I was autistic and put me through testing. It was my therapist’s opinion that narcissists, pathologically co-dependent people (true of covert narcissists), and psychopaths are drawn to autistic people because we take much longer to pick up on the game underway. Perhaps INFJs have a bit of a Pollyanna view of other people as well-seeing the best in others and never thinking that the shadow sides they see will come for them.
I think my boldness, my intensity made the narcissists I attracted as love interests think I was some sort of narcissistic match (I attract covert narcissists who appear to the whole world to be super nice people). I think they think, even if only subconsciously, that, given my intensity, I was that someone special who would have the passion to fight with them. That’s not me. I’m not interested in working through people’s childhood trauma dramas in that way (e.g., playing a role, following a script, being the dragon they need to slay, etc.)-it’s dispiriting, exhausting, and mind-numbingly boring and I get slain in the end (fortunately figuratively to date).
That was long sorry.
Same!! Pretty much all of this
Wow. Thank you for the explanation; I have very little understanding of how an autistic person sees things, am only starting to understand and accept myself as an INFJ, so that was really helpful.
I am sorry you went thru that! Glad you found a good therapist though. I wish you well.
Your story gives me hope for a dear relative who was in a covert narc relationship that messed her up for years. Thank you again.
It all sounds pretty familiar here, too...🤔
Narcissists suck. I hate having to be intent on reeling it back in when just going about my life, but the result if I don't is that I am a big magnet for crazy people.
I am not diagnosably on the spectrum, but I tend to be empathic. I have also worked with lots of autistic kids, and they very often seem to absorb the moods around them, too. If the whole school is having an off day, you'll know it first in the self contained autism classrooms.
😂😢
Has happened throughout my life and I am 60 years old now.
Yup I'm 53
@@INFJparadoxme too! I always knew something was different...now I embrace it
I've learned to "put a lid on my emotions and actions." I prefer to be alone and I don't waste my valuable time on people who not only don't appreciate it, they tread all over you. Since I put me first in this dialogue I've had a lot less stress and negative emotions. I can't say I'm happy but at least I'm nobody's little scapegoat anymore. Be true to yourself.
And they can´t keep-up with us, keep processing, comprehending. Yeah no, we don´t think we are more than anybody else, it´s not about that, that are just cold-blooded facts.
INFJs are incredibly kind and it is so easy to take advantage of them. Their boundaries must be respected. I work with at least 5 INFJs (that I know of, others I suspect but they did not want to do the MBTI test, we are nurses). They are ALL very insightful. Some of them were a bit suspicious of me in the beginning but I have proven myself to be real (I'm an INFP, I can't be anything else). One of the issues with INFJs is their gentle nature and I can tell they see everything. They see all of me, and that really frightens some ppl. INFJs are so insightful, they see right through everyone. Some ppl just run from this, they don't want the INFJ to see them as they really are, personally, I embrace that. Also I loathe bullies and INFJs get bullied. Well they don't when I am around, I look after them. I would say that our unit is pretty INFJ friendly. I suspect the MD on our unit might be an INFJ as well although our relationship is more formal. I only heard through the grapevine that she was being bullied by some or one of the nurses on our unit, I went to her and told her that I would step in and put a stop to it if she wanted. She smiled and told me it was all right. Of course I let others know I went to her about this issue and apparently that was enough (the bullies don't like to tangle with me), they are leaving her alone for the most part now. I am really old and will be retiring soon and I will miss my INFJ colleagues a lot. Oh yes, I should add that one of my sons is an INFJ, he is incredible.
❤
I’m infj, you just have to stand up first yourself. I’m a nurse too I just had to get with people where they cut up at then they call the heck down. You get a bad rep as being rude but I felt much better standing up for myself than letting fockers walk over me!
I"m an infj, and my partner is an infp, you guys don't like bullies either LOL :D I found that out when a women got drunk/hostile with me one night while I was defending our dog, and to my utter shock, my otherwise gentile partner stopped the woman's aggressive advances with authority.
I don’t care if they want to carry their insecurities to their grave. That’s none of my business. But they have started hurting me in many different ways because of their insecurities. That’s where the real problem is. I can take things only for so long. There is a limit to my patience. Of course, I am going to explode after months & years of delays. Like what were you even expecting? That this can go on forever? You didn’t leave me with any other option. You are thinking about this one time when I exploded. Now look at the time span for which I kept my mouth shut. Yes, I knew it all along. I just didn’t want you to feel bad, in all my sincerity. Because I am a compulsive empath, I feel everything you feel. Hurting you feels like hurting myself only.
Yup, it makes you feel lonely. Due to various reasons, I grew up without any friends. At the uni I felt more free and I had my peak when I shined. On a surface it seemed to others that I am super social and ”popular”, but in reality I had not even a single real friend. All of them would call me only to then talk about themselves, as I am a good listener. If I had one, even a small problem, I would be told I am dramatic or just that ”it will get better”.. and then they would continue about themselves. Even about their cousins I ve never met. But then its fine.
So I went back to shutting down myself and now I am super cautious. I get myself out there with a hope that someone will notice me and appreciate at least some of deeds I do for others. But, I cant say there is a single person. Even friends I consider the closest dont seem to care how I am feeling or checking on me when I feel low. They think it will pass, since I never forced them to listen to me..yet alone to understand me.
They make fun of my interests and remarks, but then use my comments or my jokes in front of others to get ”laughs” and reactions. Or make fun of me, whil getting upset if I would do te same.
And its interesting how others like it when it comes from them, but they look at me weird if I say it. It is hard to keep up, but I am just getting too used to do things on my own.
Even on dating apps like tinder. So many likes and matches and then they give up the moment you try to talk or share interests. So naturally you see yourself as a problem.. and it leds to to overthink or just giv on things. But it is still better to have nothing, than just tolerating anything. :)
Same here. Feels like the on going message all my life is that I'm allowed to be myself if I do it alone and stay invisible. I get called names and laughed at too for everything I do and say even when I'm doing something I'm really good at. The head cook where I work always calls me trailer park and there's nothing trailer park about me. I get cut off, cut down, blown off, and looked at like a weirdo when I'm just being quiet and reserved and doing my work and not acting like anything. I thought my daycare lady was the one person I might be able to confide in and when I told her what was happening she asked if I had ever been diagnosed with psychotic psychosis. Wow. I give up.
@@michelletaylor6856 sorry to hear that! Just stay strong as in the end… the best people for us are we ourselves ☺️
It is sad to say so, as we all need external support as well… but I guess this is our destiny.
if that isn’t me right now. Perfectly described even the judgement you have to endure from other lesser people
I feel like I wrote that, it is so close to how I've felt my whole life!
I’ve been in so many interviews, meetings, and then there’s a sudden complete stop. The energy changes, and it’s uncomfortable until the end, then ghosted. It’s like the other person is in a nightmare or something.
Lol, idk but you made me laugh
Totally! It gets so annoying at times that I don’t even wanna interact with people at all AnYMOrE!
I'm normally pretty intuitive but for some reason I just don't understand I often don't see the ghosting coming.
@@susanday3478 I never see it. Things start off amazing. Then, it’s like somebody snapped their fingers, and it’s over
@@theinfjgoyim5508 Hello fellow Goy.
Goyim is plural.
And damn. I can’t believe you said the make yourself small so other people will feel more comfortable & let us be part of the group. That just floored me. As I have been doing this since childhood. And my voice & mannerisms change depending who is standing in front of me. Over active mirroring neurons I was told. Very hard for me to hold an accent. Don’t even know what my voice would sound like- actually I do. I think my poetry voice is the true self. My therapist cried. But have been beaten up bullied a lot for being the weird kid, you’re too sensitive, cried a lot in school. I’ve had therapists & friends literally say you’re so powerful but you hide your power & pretend to be weak- why? And for me it is so I can be near people. Otherwise they like in childhood are afraid or freaked out by me. I used to not watch this channel- sound sensitive. Pitch & tone are very tough for me at certain frequencies. I am very thankful I watched this one & all the way to the end.
Thank you🙏
You dim you light so you won't blind anyone.
Hello Fellow INFJ’s😊😊😊😊
This is all sooo true. I wish I knew all of this when I was younger. I could have saved myself a lot of grief.
In my experience with infj's they make you into an image thats more in the infj's mind than the reality of who you are, which is disturbing, uncomfortable, and painful.
People dont want to be a figment of the infj's imagination, we want to be seen and heard for who we are, too.
I worry that I will push people away if I am my authentic self, but thanks for making this video and saying that we will attract the right people into our lives by being our authentic selves. I'm making sure that I will be authentic in 2023 and hope to find my tribe.
Yes it might push people away cause they never know how to take us being so multi-faceted. Hold your head high, be the most intense light you can be, and your tribe will come to you. I wished I had the bravery when I was younger...
@@kingsdaughter9849I wish that I'd been tuned in enough to me back then to know what the problem was! ❤
Used to bother me now I'm like, YES PEACE ,,our place is alone in the peaceful magic 🎯😂💫💪💛✨
Oh Wow! 😂 I have so been doing this and seriously thought I was helping n didn't understand why they get intimidated. I just came to the conclusion that some people get intimidated by me, I never knew people are entitled to their insecurities, I thought I should help them heal. Thank you for this light bulb moment ❤
Same
Same
I actually find that I ghost them but most of the time it’s not out of spite or resentment. I never feel comfortable reaching out or initiating things. Unfortunately, people take it the wrong way. They might take it personally.
I just door slam when I have been betrayed, feel used, or have had enough of being a councillor to needy people who just drain my energy. I seem to attract people like that constantly, and have done all my life.
Honestly, I prefer ghosting to the vampires; you know the lovely people (especially family leeches which I never chose in life) who ignore your existence until wanting something to take from this infj. Out of high respect for Wenzes, let's just say that I never play games and my reaction is candid gestalt words and actions which demand no trespassing on my boundaries. The vampires eventually learn that my tolerance for toxic drama is quite limited to a few seconds. Life then remains with decent people who appreciate authenticity and pure goodwill in the long run.
My best friend, for 4 years now, is an INFJ and I love her to pieces. I would never ghost her. She is the most awesome person I have ever met, makes sense, holds me accountable, and is the wisest person I have ever met. I will be a friend to her for as long as she will put up with my occasional goofiness. I talk to her every day. Sometimes it's not much and other times it's quite in depth. We seem to be able to understand each other...oh yeah, I might mention, I am an INFP. Fairly close to the same.
We are unconditional love human beings that’s why we love everyone for who they are without judgement. Accept most people are not this !!!!
Prove it with actions
Going thru this now and sucks. "I'd rather be disliked for who I am then liked for who I'm not" hit the spot and I got it. My intensity is off the roof most of the time and love it but see how it kinda throws people off. Thank you for that.
I decided that I am just going to have my RB face, don’t be to warm when meeting people and don’t get to close so I don’t have to maintain any thing. Problem solved.
I have to say that this subject and your articulation about it has hit so strongly with me. I have followed you for about 3-4 years now and your development and ability to articulate the IN FJ dynamics has evolved and developed so incredibly that you almost have n me convinced to contact you and try out your boot camp. As an INFJ, especially a 61year old male INFJ it is rare to find anyone on the planet who is capable of helping me develop any faster as a human than I can by myself, you may be capable… thank you so much for this perspective you have given me. There is a saying I always use to put me in the right perspective, “ when the student is ready, the teacher will appear “… thank you for showing up for me right now. Namaste.🙏
Hi people... ENTP here and I was intrigued by this because I never ghost INFJs but I can see what she's talking about and how other people would react that way. Take her advice because INFJs are amazing and deserve better so yeah do that. Listen to her and be awesome. Good luck people.
We are the come back story everyone loves ❤️
It’s all ❤️
I have seen a pattern of friends that I make… never making the effort to keep me in their lives. That even goes for one I am sure is a soulmate friend. I have thought that (being a highly spiritual person of pure heart) it’s because I have a light in me that people are not ready for or… maybe they believe themselves to be unworthy of it. After watching this video, I now think that the reason above is only one of a few. ❤
Im an ENFP male and found an INFJ female. Our connection was so profound that i got very uncomfortable. Since im not a narcissist i told her that i admired her after getting to know her and made up my mind i will always be there for her no matter what! I now absolutely ADORE her and she will always have a very special place in my heart. As an ENFP its hard for me to truly listen to someone but when it comes to her, I LOVE listening to her. Best wishes to all INFJs. Youre all a God sent. That includes you wenzes, youre awesome
Wow! This describes my dating life almost exactly! I actually got a bit teary eyed because this actually answered a lot of things for me. I’m 51 years old and have tested as INFJ-A several times since my 20s.
53 here...me too!
Learning at 45.. always knew I was infj for empathy etc.. but basics.. only just started learning about all the crazy shit especially the rage.. my rage comes out when there is betrayal especially.. with partners or close friends and have added cptsd to that crazyness. hypervigilance, arousal, the blind rage, terrible coping overrides..
Most people seem to think I'm an idiot when they first meet me. When they discover that nothing could be further from the truth they get as far away from me as possible.
Same. Definitely under the impression that I am dense and naive. The unsolicited advice is extremely annoying 😂
Hi Wenzes! I wonder if you have or would ever consoder a video that conpares a day in life for an infj who has studied, put in the work, and made big changes - vs a day for an infj who hasn't had the benefit of self knowledge, and years of personal work. I would love to see such a video, and I believe it would help some of us to better grasp some of the minor, day to day differences a more epic life would involve. Also, ty, the videos are helpful on multiple levels!!
I get abused before I get ghosted.
same.
If so, it's important to embrace and cultivate your inner a55hole. It's very liberating
Same. My pattern is we start out eye to eye, me being upfront and bringing who I am. Genuinely appreciate them, definitely don’t look down on but also I don’t fawn over them. I do say supportive and encouraging things. They lose interest over the years and their ability to listen wanes and the whole thing becomes all about them over time. I prefer to be asked about my life, but if they lack that social grace, I can open up…but if they go monosyllabic 🤷♀️Then, in end stage, they pop in from time to time to vent about something. Finally, the issue is that they just lack the character to hold themselves to the standards that would make a relationship work. And it’s not like I am special at bringing this out! Most people are lonely for a reason.
Me too. I call them out on their behaviour. So they do the devaluation because they can’t accept accountability for their actions so they throw low blows because of their insecurity and false self.
Many truths about the INFJ in this. I like too that you spoke about it not being our place to delve into others real deeply psychologically. Its not our place to try to heal all their wounds, essentially. Not only is that not good for our own mental health, as you discovered, but on a spiritual level we all must work through our own inner issues ourselves, and at our own pace. If we entangle ourselves deeply in someone else’s issues, then we take the chance of also taking on their karma. One will suffer the consequences of that. But more importantly, the other person probably won’t learn the lessons they came here to learn if we interject so deeply. Or we may delay their learning, or speed it up when they aren’t ready for it, or any number of things. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help others. It just means we must step back at some point and allow them to do the work themselves. Another good way, as you are doing, is to teach others about how they can improve their lives. In this way you aren’t doing the work for them. You’re just showing them some things that may help them along if they try them.
...and in the end they could end up blaming you for their negative outcomes!
Because infjs are more aware than most of the people, and when they first try to live authentically, they, in most cases they even loose their own family. So this lose sometime makes them covert people pleaser and thus attract narcissists. And the sad part is sometime they are shamed for bringing out the insecurities of people.
Oh gosh…”the intensity” thing, I used to LIVE for the one person that could go to for intensity, and I ended up in a trauma bond. It was soooo agonizing to have my outlet for that tied to one single person-or a person at all. Slowly I’m making steps to just live out that intensity on my own in the way I wrote novels or what have you, and it’s a 1000x more fulfilling. 👌
Wenze’s I’m depleted,drained,exhausted,tired,wiped because of “time,energy,motion,vampirism” of my Entirety.I concur with you.
I attracted a narcissist, who then ghosted me and ran away.
I haven’t spoken to them for 6 months now.
but not dimming my light (assuming i have any) makes me see myself as a narcissist. You know the natural tendency of people to boast, I typically just listen and be like 'ohh cool', 'Amazing' etc. without feeling the need to say anything about myself because if i do so, i'd see myself as a narcissist.
It's been happening a lot to me lately. I've come to say that "To know me is to loathe me." My main problem is that at this time of importance I share too much that isn't in a standard media created package. We luve in an unusual time of loyalty being more important than truth.
I had a lot of things to say but in essence: it's nice to know that I'm not alone having this lifepath experience. It would be so wonderful to have someone similar in immediate environment. This was a brilliant summary, keep on shining!
Re: narcissists. I didn't realize by trying to improve their opinions of themselves (or even stating what I did admire about them) that it translated into reducing their opinion of me. I didn't consciously minimize myself, for the most part. I now realize they simply can't grasp 'equals'. (Makes me wonder how they passed basic math.) Mystery for the ages...
Kikikik
Trust your heart, when in the moment, and you will be just fine.
Be Genuine, and trust your life's truth and everything will come naturally because you have nothing to hide .
Holy toledo I think you just saved my life.
These past few weeks have been *TOUGH* and I just felt like a broken toy. You started listing things I specifically wanted to address or "fix". 🤦
How can one sit and talk shit about somebody they call their friend?! And people wonder why I don’t trust anyone and stay to myself. I’m good😁
Do you have any videos on how to survive the workplace as an infj? People always say how others will stop bullying or mistreating you if you don't react and that has not been true at all; in fact it's getting worse even though I continue to be nice and quietly back out of the negative energy while finding other useful things to do to stay busy. If I address anything out loud no matter how politely done I get treated like a crazy person and a weirdo
Bullies see most things as weakness, in my experience. & they're great at justifying their behavior (even if only to/in themselves). I think they only respect strength, displayed the way they display it (their version of strength/leadership).
You have options, including being nasty right back to them; but if you're not equals it may not help. (!sorry!!!! I really sympathise; I had to leave a career because bullying was so prevalent in that industry.) Knowing what I know now, & after healing for several years, I might explicitly call them out on it to their faces and ask for specific changes--- at least, I hope I would; but I don't know.
As to "bullies stop if you don't react", that may be so for some types but not all!! In my experience just the action of bullying, itself, fed their inner core till some outside force stopped them; my reaction did not matter.
I could easily write an entire essay on each point.....suffice to say, been there, done that. Been on a new attitude and life contruc since 2020, love the light of me, if you can't handle it, no worries, you weren't meant too. Top shelf quality only, thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you 🙏. I just going through this right now. I will never dimm my light ever again! 😢
as a co dependent infj i had to go no contact with my family. a friend who i thought was close to me just banned me. now i know why. ya nailed it for me. i just found this channel as i am just finding myself
Spot ON!!! Narc magnet and people pleaser to my core!!!
Hi,
I've been watching your videos for some time and they do partially resonate with me. I have always been an infj-a and always felt that there was a purpose to my interacting with people. Delusion or divinity, my interactions have always shown people that I see their potential as a partner, professional and/or friend.
Once my purpose is done, usually my relationships go away. Never in a dramatic nor hurtful fashion. All your color and description are about strength veiled in weakness, but there are some of us infj souls that walk through life KNOWING we are gifted.
Long winded request for an infj-t and infj-a analysis. It is my hope that if infj-t know we infj-a are out here, the entirety of the community would be more productive in our pursuits of making people, families and workplaces better. Thank you for everything you do and keep up the amazing work! Love your content!
Holding onto the improbable return, love, acceptance, or even acknowledgment of my existence, is torture.I knew that the outcome where I would be entirely rejected (regardless of what I did, didn’t, etc). I knew the moment that she ”ghosted”, that I’d never see her again.
Side note on being ghosted: if the things we discuss as a community are true. Mainly how we are triggering and the adverse reactions that others have courtesy of their ego. That plays into the narratives often associated with being discarded by a personality disordered person. Posit that someone in that group is triggered and is beginning their devalue, discard, routine. There’s a thought to be had for those of us who do behave in manners talked about on this channel. If there was a chance that person was going to change course, we’ve made sure to turn the volume up to 11, adding a level of fear. Ie. Take a hoover for example. Often they come back without apology/changed behavior or they completely avoid accountability by assuming the angle of “nothing happened”. If you, like me, made sure to lay out everything…EVERYTHING, to that person during the discard. They aren’t too stupid to miss that every path back, with people like us, is through the truth. And, I, at least, laid out the truth about the person I am, and that I subconsciously am more of a being than she was, in human form. So there’s no putting the jack back in the box. I know it sounds cruel to judge her intelligence so harshly. I didn’t bring anything up until she literally told me that she felt superior to me. Yep, that type of person. By the way, I’m not saying my subconscious existence is living a fruitful life. Simply more than what her conscious self is. 😂😂.
It’s actually disheartening that there’s yet another piece of hard evidence that we’ll find a way to convince ourselves that there’s still hope.
I think, all the rhetoric about how we function in similar ways, and that we’re not wrong in the way we call things out, as we do. Is missing something that I’ve never heard anywhere. All this triggering…A life as an ego assassin…The truth superhero! Who has changed? None of the ghosts. Or if they did (spoiler alert…they didn’t) are we supposed to believe they changed for the world (sons me?) We, or I, tend to bring the insecurities up because I see them so easily, and assume everyone else is kind of similar, in mind. Why are we the righteous ones? Seems like everyone else doesn’t want us to do some of the things we do. Maybe we aren’t right. Or maybe we are, but maybe we have the choice to either ride that unicycle for all or eternity, in our truth. Doomed to an existence of seeing everyone we love, prove to us that greatest fear. That we’re not lovable. Or we can adjust to a point that we simply (hahahaha) suppress those thoughts, like we had until they triggered us by invalidating us. I think we’re addicted to that part of the relationship. Trying to be so positive all the time and maybe we just need to be able to vent. It would be different if all things tried in a positive manner were received without resistance. We’re walking a thin line. Cause a narc gets triggered and then rips what’s left of your life away. When we get triggered we seem to have that exact same conviction about completing what our subconscious needs. Maybe we should further adopt a “it is what it is” mentality, when it comes to allowing our monster to come out. We’re never going to be able to explain to someone who sees us as inferior, that it’s intentional. Because, first, we don’t see others as inferior. And second, what good has it ever done by trying to explain to the biggest ego in the room that they’re actually not even close to top dog? Tell me some success stories! My literal pantomime of existence is almost on par with you.
Now, if you somehow made it through that mess. I know it’s sloppy even by my abstract standards. That would be apropos when speaking of a narcissistic relationship…but…if we remove that toxicity, the normies aren’t coming back either. So it is like “I am legend” (book ending) where Robert Neville (?) realizes that he in fact is now the monster. Maybe we should take all this self awareness and figure out a way to avoid this disaster spin cycle, on repeat. I know you say to let out our truth from the jump. But, in my case, I’m very open. The only way my abilities are underestimated is because I manipulate existence. And if I let that partner (pre partner) know that I’m essentially DID, but I’ve such control over the other parts of me that they are hardly intrusive. Cause I don’t think that’s going to get me a second date. 😂😂
The rub that just hit me. You’d think that when we’re pushed to unleash our version of hell, that going from being admired to someone they were dating as a charity case. You know, because we’re the small ones. That the switch from that, to being admired by someone of substance, would be enticing. That’s how much we’re reaching. We’re hoping that this person that would rather feel superior than to be even around any opportunity for growth, will all of a sudden augment the definition of themselves to join our party. It doesn’t feel like a party 😢. The thing is, we can share as much about ourselves as we want, but if what we say isn’t being listened to and our behaviors aren’t being noticed, then what we share is irrelevant. It’s the audience.
ESFPs actually are pretty good friends to INFJs. They are surprisingly pretty accepting of both our good and bad, and they don't really judge from what I found. ESFJs are great but they have 400% the energy and if you take a day off from them, their feelings get so hurt and they get hateful. It is hard to find someone, lol anyone who you actually like. I think ENFJs would be nice, ideally but also only maybe, and ENTJs seem to like us and are tough which is nice. Anyone with weak Fi is a no go. Fe is the best combo if they are strong. ISTPs can put up with a lot but we don't really connect in the end. Personality type matching is a real thing, a very real thing.
There are so many variations of ppl in just one mbti type. I think when a person judges people)potential friends/people at work on mbti stereotypes...that person could miss out on so many nice ppl and unexpected amazing human connection and love. Why choose to close yourself off already so much and not give ppl a chance. Not even based on 'bad' behaviour but already ruling ppl out just on function. Closing yourself off like that, could also make YOU miss out on getting to know yourself better and in a deeper way, you might miss out on important life experiences and learn how to deal better with curveballs life might throw, learn how to handle conflict better, and you might miss out on personal growth etc etc. Other ppl by not knowing you, might miss out on valuable things you could teach them. Why would you not give yourself the love and care to expand yourself and give yourself the experiences to grow from? Why would you choose this way of thinking and choose to belief these particular beliefs? Would they not restrict you from your own expansion at one point? Ppl who you think might not fit you, could teach you about yourself the most(and about them of course). We need ppl in many different ways on multiple levels, ppl might need you, and we are not meant to be islands all the time. I wish you the best. - enfj
Showing who i am for real is scary because so little people like who i truly am and how intense we can be
I had so many situations as being disconnected from someone, I learned to let them go ..I am now happy, because I don’t get involved anymore. I, now, protect myself first!
Learning.. growing… your videos Make My Day. Thank you 😊
Wildly accurate analytics
I’m not an infj.. infp (I know ; totally different stack of cognitive functions) , but this resonates . Thank you, Wenzes ❤
Me too! The 1%...just not the rich kind😂
It’s scary how right you are about everything. If I watched this video when I started dating I wouldn’t have understood a thing. Now after 8 months, you are absolutely right
You really have a gift for speaking for us INFJs. I am rarely impressed by other people's sensitivity in the way I am yours!
I’ve only just realised in the last week about these types and that I am very clearly an INFJ. It’s both a shock and a relief all at once and explains a great many things about my life of nearly 64 years. I love my life, I really do have the most amazing life but it was not always so. I have suffered greatly till I realised and accepted who I am when I was 50.
I’m here learning because I had to end a very beautiful new relationship with a woman when she ‘blew a fuse’, for want of a better term. It was too intense for her, even though she said it was the relationship she had always dreamed of. It came to a point where she could no longer even be in my presence it was too much for her. All her unresolved stuff just kept coming up and nothing I did could change that. This has been the story of my life from when I was very young. I guess it’s not surprising that my careers have been as a professional artist and 30 years as a therapist at the same time. Very interesting the whole thing
My closest friend since childhood always had me to listen to his woes. I too have had struggles in life, but I am a very private person and never shared. Throughout he kept telling me that I shouldn't try to handle things on my own. He kept insisting I didn't have to be Batman and be this brooding guy who never shared his problems. So now after over 50 years of friendship I finally took his advice and started to trust him more. Last December after all this time he just suddenly said he didn't want to be my friend anymore and he insisted he didn't need to tell me why. I still don't know why. Your explanation is probably the closest to an explanation that I am ever going to get. Thank you for that, it will lead me to the closure that I wasn't otherwise allowed.
OMG ... this topic is really what I'd been through in my life.
Thanks God now I am alone, can arrange & carry on my life into the best version of myself 😊❤
Yeah, i knew "intensity" will be definitely key reason here even before watching 🙂
Very significant points, Wenzes. And for me, #5 stood out big time - namely, uncovering people's insecurities.
My experience has been getting criticized, put down, or dropped for a number of things that the critic in question is also doing him or herself. Often they were very blunt with me if I felt insecure, or had done something that threatened them, and usually were outspoken and rude about it. In other words, they could "dish it out but not take it." And to complicate things, I would get this kind of behavior when trying to help them! This happened some years back when a relationship with a valued relative (whom I often wanted to encourage) - and it ended when we had a very bad argument about something that revealed to him that I knew what he was insecure about. It destroyed the relationship. We have somewhat mended fences now, but often that sort of thing never gets resolved.
I'm older now, and have worked in the teaching profession long enough to know that we can help any person only so much. And it's not worth losing our self-respect over. It doesn't stop it from being painful, but I do believe we can get over it because I've had several times when I had to.
Wenzes is the GOAT in these INFJ streets 😩❤️
I watched this till the end, tried to figured out if there was my case in here. Yes, I ghosted 2 INFJs because one same reason mentioned at the end of the video. They don't respect my boundaries at all, didn't care about my mental health or the pace I'm okay with. As an Empath and an INFP, I can sense their insecurities as well but I respect them to be. I supported them but I knew my limits, and it's not my business to messed with. But they seemed to don't understand this at all and all while kept pushing me?? So I "slamed doors", protect myself. I loved they intensity and passion... somewhere else, not in my business.
bye
@@1594simonsays thanks
Thanks for putting it. I was feeling melancholy over losing a friend, we used to be so close. It feels like my friendship is some fever dream that we're never friends because of how distant we have become over the years. They have moved on living their lives, don't even bother to share. It's not just a friend or two, the number is huge. And i kept thinking that I was a bad friend, without pointing out their mistakes.
Thanks a lot. I found the validation to move on.
Really love this channel. Thank you for your work and creating a space for us all.
Definitely felt this, too many times. It’s so heartbreaking. I feel so alone.
Thank you for this video. We do our best to act of good intention (including direct conversations when we feel some good will come from it). Once that level of honesty is reached they either view us differently or we view them differently.
This is so spot on. Happens all. the. time.
I have to say every sign and problem you say is so accurate and always shocks me . I just mean the problem is being an INFJ and it's not anyone's fault ...
It's usually the narcs that ghost me when I become myself with them
I didn't realize that I am a very intense person. I pull back so to make others feel good about themselves. I have been rejected also,now I can understand why. I can really read other people,but I won't tell them, because I know they will back off. But that's their loss,I am really caring, sincere,& insightful.
I am so relieved to have this info because this has happened to me (being love bombed then ghosted) so many times, and I have bent my brain into a pretzel to answer the question why does this always happen to me? This makes so much sense! And like a true INFJ/P I need to make sense of the world. I am literally crying for relief to have these answers, because I have been thinking I must be crazy and not seeing it (and doesn't every crazy person insist they're not crazy?). Besides my INFJ genes, I had an interesting childhood situation which exacerbated my relationship problems. I was deaf from the ages of 3-6 y.o. I am lucky it wasn't in the language development years, but it was during the social development years. So, I failed to learn societal expectations, and to find out how to fit into the world. Luckily, I also failed to absorb most of my alcoholic family system rules. I have spent all my life trying to figure out the rules, and trying to live by them, and hating to live that way, then trying to be authentic. I am a hermit now, for the most part. I've never been more satisfied with my life.
Total Infj here and I must say I like her out of place teeth, It gives the face unique character!
Number 2- is me with all my colleagues wherever i have worked..moulding myself to fit in the company and group ...to belong! 😵💫🙈🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I'm an INFJ/INFP... I dated an INFJ, I ended it properly but I remember him not holding only limited space for accountability. He was extremely moody and always found ways to justify being mean to me. I'm grateful it's over. I will say initially there was an intense chemistry.
I just discovered your channel today. Your insights are already metamorphosing my understanding of my relationship with myself and others in a life-changing way. Immense respect and gratitude to you.
wow! this was incredible. Nice presentation. So spot on. Thank you, Wenzes!
Thank you so much for everything Wenzes ❤
Profoundly juicy! I needed to hear this! Many thanks!
This channel is my safe space..
Thank you so very much for sharing this.....I'm signing up for the boot camp!! Much appreciation, you have no idea :) Extremely powerful
Thanke you now I understand
Ty very much for your much appreciated posts ❤❤❤❤ you have reached at least one 🙋♀️❤❤❤❤❤
I feel like I do not play a role. I can, at times. But that is more about survival than getting someone to like me. I am most definitely intense. I feel everything to the extreme. I'm working on self-control and regulation.😊
Man, that's some real sh.. there! I've been thinking about this for quite a while. And don't forget, people will imitate you. You put this in perfect words. Namaste