As a figure skater... I'm afraid what's happening in that sentence doesn't make much sense. The gliding in rotation is perplexing and there's no reason to have a stopwatch. But totally agree on the beautiful alliteration. I think the first bit is good!
I always love these types of videos! Thank you so much! I appreciate both you Martin and Becca for taking the time to do these videos1 So interesting and full of valuable information for us writers!
Have you ever considered doing a first line frenzy with a genre/theme? Like just science-fiction or just romance? Love these videos so much. I appreciate your time 🙏
Ha! I drove a white convertible Mustang for more than a decade. $1000 stereo, Flowmaster exhaust, 5.0 motor. The most fun I’ve ever had doing burnouts 🤣 I wouldn’t touch a Miata with a ten foot pole. Give me all the muscle. I can’t be the only woman who feels this way...
I'm very late but about the Lady Isabella Avery one. Britisch nobility is a can of woorms you don't want to open if you aren't very firm in your titles. Assuming this is a regency or victorian historical romance or such a thing. We have a Lady of quality (nobility is implyed by the title Lady) visiting the Ball of the Middletons who were (if we are talking of Kate Middletons family which is probably intended) in trade back then. Those circles rarely overlapp. There is a whole sphere of society between them (the gentry). My problem here is that the Author may, probably unententionaly, telling something entirely diffrent to a reader who knows that kind of stuff than to a reader who doesn't. So research is key if you want to venture into the highest circles. My advice would be to stay with the landed gentry and to realy research (google) every name even if you invented them.
Regarding the submission that begins with "Just before daylight," I think the "rounded shadows" are supposed to be the silhouettes of the dogs themselves, which is a bit confusing. Consider omitting "at the rounded shadows" and just go with, "Just before daylight, look carefully underneath the enormous tree in El Parque Central, and you will see the street dogs of Oaxaca sleeping."
Dude, I am literally from upstate New York, and right now it is warm outside and yet there’s still like 3 inches of snow on the ground. Gotta love NY weather 😅❤️ Edit: 13:45 The hem of the man’s worn black cloak flapped in the wind as he stared at her through the window from across the street. (I dunno, just playing around with it 🤷🏻♀️)
The blades made a soft scraping sound.... No. It's singular, one blade. You land onto one blade. And you continue gliding backwards on a single outside edge. 'against', 'as', 'in rotation back', 'who'. Each of these are complicating the sentence semantically and structurally. It was hard to pick through it, and to be honest, a first sentence really should flow easily. I get how after a couple of readings, you can make sense of it, but then it's harder to see the sentence 'green', and to see how it's overly complicated. Just count how many grammatical phases there are: 10. You have a main clause 'the blades made a soft scraping sound', then a prepositional phrase 'against...', then a subordinate clause with the conjunction 'as' connecting a result to a cause, then another subordinate clause inside the first one 'he landed his toe loop', then another 'and started gliding'', then a prepositional phrase 'in rotation', then another 'back to his coach', and finally, you add another relative clause onto this train with 'who was waiting' and then 'for him', and finally another prepositional phrase 'with a stopwatch'. It's just too much for a first sentence, to my mind, especially as the first main clause is relatively light. 'The blades made a soft scraping sound'. Too complicated grammatically with not much pay off. If you want complication in writing, you have to be able to justify it. It took several readings to make sense of 'gliding in rotation back'. Technically, on the ice, you are circling or gliding on an outside edge, not 'in rotation back', that sounds clumsy. There are some factual points to make too. If you are landing a toe loop in skating, there is more than a 'soft scraping sound'. There might be some scraping in the exit to the jump, as the rotation is stronger after you land, but only as you pull out of the rotation, where the edge (sharp edge of the blade) isn't biting into the ice so much, will you have that soft scraping sound. I know, I've done them. Your toe pick is locking onto the ice first to act as a point for the rotation, you lift off the ice, and as you drop onto the ice, there is always a clear 'tap' sound. You cannot avoid it. Even if you are a pro. And finally, I never saw a coach using a stopwatch in figure skating and I figure skated for many years and took lessons. And certainly not after something as mundane as a toe loop. Maybe the story makes this clear, why there is a stop watch, but it doesn't really seem to fit. In figure skating, you use the music to time things, not stop watches. Just like in dancing. Also, my first thought as an editor is NOT to start a novel with description, even if you then pack the subordinate clause with a tonne of information. Where is the emotion? If this is setting the EMOTIONAL or INTELLECTUAL or PRAGMATIC tone for the whole novel, what is it? It's not drama. It's not action. It's not some moral dilemma. What is it? I cannot tell. There is only a 'he', but not any emotional connection to this character or their situation. Here is a thought. If you remove all the unnecessary information and go with the key point of your main clause, add some emotional colour or a conflict of some kind, you get something like: The outside edge of the blade made a soft scraping sound on the ice as he rotated backwards out of the toe loop, the wide arc of his movement bringing him ominously back to his coach. Here the emotional tension hinges on 'success or failure'. Classic stuff. Or if the story really is about a coach abusing their student, then the inevitability of the movement bringing 'back to his coach' serves as a metaphor for how the student is locked into this situation.
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Well done. The feedback in these videos is just personal reader bias, nothing technical or universal about it.
I know this is a year old, but the fishbowl thing I instantly pictured children, because as a kid we did that in class. A big bowl full of potential jobs, and this is elementary school (so we didn't have to do much) but we learned about them then we talk about them with the rest of the class.
Madeline, I'll be posting feedback for a lot of the lines we didn't get to on my Twitter page (@RFaithEditorial). I'll be organizing threads by genre, so keep an eye out for SF -- there's likely to be multiple threads.
To make 'immediate sense,' that is, a sense that doesn't need to be over-pondered, ''the rounded shadows underneath the enormous tree in El Parque Central ...'' should have been, say, ''the rounded shadows thrown by the street lamps underneath the enormous tree in El Parque Central ...''
Re: Behind Closed Doors. The sentence was a little wordy. Consider writing something like: "The blades scraped softly against the ice as he landed on his toe, rotated, and glided back to his coach, who held a stopwatch."
Im absolutely not a professional but i think this lady has absolutely no clue about good writing. just to give one example for me the opening sentence "An eerie green glow transformed the small park at midnight." worked out pretty well because it has a mysterious not reveling effect but this lady absolutely destroyed the opener
I'm still reeling from that one guy who wrote 'into a town with many names rode a man who had none' line.
As a figure skater... I'm afraid what's happening in that sentence doesn't make much sense. The gliding in rotation is perplexing and there's no reason to have a stopwatch. But totally agree on the beautiful alliteration. I think the first bit is good!
I always love these types of videos! Thank you so much! I appreciate both you Martin and Becca for taking the time to do these videos1 So interesting and full of valuable information for us writers!
Have you ever considered doing a first line frenzy with a genre/theme? Like just science-fiction or just romance? Love these videos so much. I appreciate your time 🙏
thank you so much. I just love this, as a new writer
I would appreciate more of these videos! Amazing insight and advice. Thank you so much for sharing your time and energy.
Had to work at my current day job while this was streaming. Still good to watch and capture the insights.
This is one of my favorite videos on writing, thank you so much.
I love this series so much!
Ha! I drove a white convertible Mustang for more than a decade. $1000 stereo, Flowmaster exhaust, 5.0 motor. The most fun I’ve ever had doing burnouts 🤣 I wouldn’t touch a Miata with a ten foot pole. Give me all the muscle. I can’t be the only woman who feels this way...
I'm very late but about the Lady Isabella Avery one. Britisch nobility is a can of woorms you don't want to open if you aren't very firm in your titles. Assuming this is a regency or victorian historical romance or such a thing. We have a Lady of quality (nobility is implyed by the title Lady) visiting the Ball of the Middletons who were (if we are talking of Kate Middletons family which is probably intended) in trade back then. Those circles rarely overlapp. There is a whole sphere of society between them (the gentry). My problem here is that the Author may, probably unententionaly, telling something entirely diffrent to a reader who knows that kind of stuff than to a reader who doesn't. So research is key if you want to venture into the highest circles. My advice would be to stay with the landed gentry and to realy research (google) every name even if you invented them.
Regarding the submission that begins with "Just before daylight," I think the "rounded shadows" are supposed to be the silhouettes of the dogs themselves, which is a bit confusing. Consider omitting "at the rounded shadows" and just go with, "Just before daylight, look carefully underneath the enormous tree in El Parque Central, and you will see the street dogs of Oaxaca sleeping."
And now that I post this, I see people in the live chat already said the same thing. Lol.
this is my first time joining the stream, and it has been very fun and interesting, I also learned a lot so thank you guys
This video is so insightful. I love it !
Dude, I am literally from upstate New York, and right now it is warm outside and yet there’s still like 3 inches of snow on the ground. Gotta love NY weather 😅❤️
Edit: 13:45 The hem of the man’s worn black cloak flapped in the wind as he stared at her through the window from across the street. (I dunno, just playing around with it 🤷🏻♀️)
The blades made a soft scraping sound....
No. It's singular, one blade. You land onto one blade. And you continue gliding backwards on a single outside edge.
'against', 'as', 'in rotation back', 'who'. Each of these are complicating the sentence semantically and structurally. It was hard to pick through it, and to be honest, a first sentence really should flow easily. I get how after a couple of readings, you can make sense of it, but then it's harder to see the sentence 'green', and to see how it's overly complicated. Just count how many grammatical phases there are: 10.
You have a main clause 'the blades made a soft scraping sound', then a prepositional phrase 'against...', then a subordinate clause with the conjunction 'as' connecting a result to a cause, then another subordinate clause inside the first one 'he landed his toe loop', then another 'and started gliding'', then a prepositional phrase 'in rotation', then another 'back to his coach', and finally, you add another relative clause onto this train with 'who was waiting' and then 'for him', and finally another prepositional phrase 'with a stopwatch'. It's just too much for a first sentence, to my mind, especially as the first main clause is relatively light. 'The blades made a soft scraping sound'. Too complicated grammatically with not much pay off. If you want complication in writing, you have to be able to justify it.
It took several readings to make sense of 'gliding in rotation back'. Technically, on the ice, you are circling or gliding on an outside edge, not 'in rotation back', that sounds clumsy.
There are some factual points to make too. If you are landing a toe loop in skating, there is more than a 'soft scraping sound'. There might be some scraping in the exit to the jump, as the rotation is stronger after you land, but only as you pull out of the rotation, where the edge (sharp edge of the blade) isn't biting into the ice so much, will you have that soft scraping sound. I know, I've done them.
Your toe pick is locking onto the ice first to act as a point for the rotation, you lift off the ice, and as you drop onto the ice, there is always a clear 'tap' sound. You cannot avoid it. Even if you are a pro.
And finally, I never saw a coach using a stopwatch in figure skating and I figure skated for many years and took lessons. And certainly not after something as mundane as a toe loop. Maybe the story makes this clear, why there is a stop watch, but it doesn't really seem to fit. In figure skating, you use the music to time things, not stop watches. Just like in dancing.
Also, my first thought as an editor is NOT to start a novel with description, even if you then pack the subordinate clause with a tonne of information. Where is the emotion? If this is setting the EMOTIONAL or INTELLECTUAL or PRAGMATIC tone for the whole novel, what is it? It's not drama. It's not action. It's not some moral dilemma. What is it? I cannot tell. There is only a 'he', but not any emotional connection to this character or their situation.
Here is a thought. If you remove all the unnecessary information and go with the key point of your main clause, add some emotional colour or a conflict of some kind, you get something like:
The outside edge of the blade made a soft scraping sound on the ice as he rotated backwards out of the toe loop, the wide arc of his movement bringing him ominously back to his coach.
Here the emotional tension hinges on 'success or failure'. Classic stuff. Or if the story really is about a coach abusing their student, then the inevitability of the movement bringing 'back to his coach' serves as a metaphor for how the student is locked into this situation.
Well done. The feedback in these videos is just personal reader bias, nothing technical or universal about it.
@ well you're mind is clearly made up - talk about bias. My point was a point of fact having done ice dancing in the past.
Love Becca thank you!
I have a question on comma: when do we not use it before “but” to connect two independent clauses? Minute 30:00.
Thank you for the feedback! I will definitely be more specific with the ballroom scene, and I love the kitty cameo!! :D
Sounds great, Jodi! Sorry about Prim's interruption lol. I have to know: Is the character walking in from a terrace??
@@firstlinefrenzy931 now she is!! 😊 😂
I know this is a year old, but the fishbowl thing I instantly pictured children, because as a kid we did that in class. A big bowl full of potential jobs, and this is elementary school (so we didn't have to do much) but we learned about them then we talk about them with the rest of the class.
I missed the livestream, but can you do more sci fi next time? That’s what I write and I don’t see much of the genre in these lately.
Madeline, I'll be posting feedback for a lot of the lines we didn't get to on my Twitter page (@RFaithEditorial). I'll be organizing threads by genre, so keep an eye out for SF -- there's likely to be multiple threads.
@@firstlinefrenzy931 Thank you!
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Magical realism... curiouser and curiouser. What is this? Would have loved a definition and contrasting to “fantasy”. Never heard of it before 🤔
Magical Realism is a writing style, mostly associated with Latin-American fiction. Google will have lots of info :)
I love convertible Mustangs. My MC has one and I don't think it's a bad car at all.
Thank you for your time!
Can you do one for line editing?
To make 'immediate sense,' that is, a sense that doesn't need to be over-pondered, ''the rounded shadows underneath the enormous tree in El Parque Central ...'' should have been, say, ''the rounded shadows thrown by the street lamps underneath the enormous tree in El Parque Central ...''
Got sick and couldn't make it, but I'm watching now :)
Hope you're feeling better!
@@firstlinefrenzy931 I am indeed... I'm even writing!
Hi! When is the next "First Line Frenzy?"
Rebecca editing it herself in real time was great before, can that happen again?
Two Shades of White
Re: Behind Closed Doors. The sentence was a little wordy. Consider writing something like: "The blades scraped softly against the ice as he landed on his toe, rotated, and glided back to his coach, who held a stopwatch."
OMG! I can't believe people could actually write so many trite cliches at beginning of a novel. God knows what the rest must be like. Thanks for this.
I know I’m late to comment but Im so sick of these woke editors and agents. These people are ruining the industry.
Im absolutely not a professional but i think this lady has absolutely no clue about good writing. just to give one example for me the opening sentence "An eerie green glow transformed the small park at midnight." worked out pretty well because it has a mysterious not reveling effect but this lady absolutely destroyed the opener