People Pleasing: Keep It From Making You Miserable
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ธ.ค. 2021
- Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Qualified Clinical Supervisor. She received her PhD in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Florida in 2002. In addition to being a practicing clinician, she has provided training to counselors, social workers, nurses and case managers internationally since 2006 through AllCEUs.com #PeoplePleasing : Keep It From Making You Miserable #codependency #abandonment
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Examine how people pleasing protected you in the past
Explore the relationships that taught you to people please
How do All or nothing thinking, personalization, catastrophizing, mind reading contribute to your belief that you must people please to be safe or loved?
What are some distress tolerant thoughts you can tell yourself to help deal with anxiety when you set boundaries?
Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.
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I'm a people pleaser because I actually have an intense fear of others being upset with me.
Thanks for watching.
Embrace conflict
Me too.
I used this be like you so I am going to break it to you conflict is a natural part of relationships. Narcissistic temp tantrums are not normal nor are they the proper way to fight.
I was beaten down and forced to become a people pleaser by my volatile narcissistic mother and my violent spoiled younger sister. Their tantrums made me scared for my life. Being a nice/giving person opened me up to so much pain and confusion but I won in the end. I am the good guy. They will never again get the gift of my love or empathy. Younger sis beat the shit out of me for no reason over pandemic when I needed support. They will never be there for me. I have been alone and unsafe for my entire life and I just figured that out at 30.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Sounds like my life/family. It took me until I was in my fifties to realize the dysfunction! My mom is passed and I am no contact with my sister. Repairing the unhealthy patterns I learned from those experiences. May you learn to unravel the compulsive mess that was forced upon you 🙏❤️
I understand. Happy for you. I’m 40 and was blown away to know I’ve been mistreated all my life. Never knew what boundaries were. Prob Family scapegoat even if it wasn’t a horrible family dynamic there were still toxic things at various times. Led me to marry a narcissist but I divorced him two years ago thus starting this journey of self discovery. Their pain and mistreatment was my blessing in disguise. I’m so at peace and healthy now. Stay encouraged on your journey. It is the minority when you decide to be healthy but good for you 👏👏👏
wow my heart goes out to you all. it helps me to know im not alone in this. 🖤
Yes, we are the good guys. No matter what they say or try to blame on us.
People pleasers often have low energy because they are out and about making every body else happy other than themselves
Thanks for watching.
I used to be like this years that therapy helped me move past this , went through almost every type of childhood abused and like you can think of I still go to therapy and I don't want to go back to hurting myself by pleasing others
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
@babskaz74 hope things are going well
@babskaz74 awesome!!! One day at a time 🙂. Happy new year my friend
Be careful picking the right counselor. Many have their own disorders
I grew up with two alcoholic parents that used to beat on each other from time to time and on my brother and sister but never on me. I never felt that speaking out would get me in trouble but it never did any good so I learned to keep my mouth shut. After my dad left my mother was rarely home so I basically raised myself however she made it very obvious when I made her unhappy and would withhold affection. It has taken me YEARS to find myself and put distance between myself and my family so I can get a different perspective and especially learn boundaries. One of my first professional jobs was in healthcare and not knowing how to keep boundaries and being a people pleaser I burnt out so hard and so fast and developed a drinking problem. Now I am self-employed, sober and still working on myself, all I can say is I'm so glad I never had children because I would have just most likely continued the cycle.
I like to think of being nice, and being kind as completely different things. Changed the way I related to the concept.
Thanks for watching!
I am guilty of some of this. I have a hard time saying no, but cannot possibly fulfill every commitment fully- and this leads to a heavy crash, and resentment. Certain types pick up on this trait, and will use you as an emotional dumping ground-
Realy well explained. I must take accountability and change this behaviour.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
This is really such a perfect motivation for me as people pleaser.. I’m still working on it but sometimes anxiety gets in me..I have to listen this video multiple times to sink in my mind.
Thanks for watching! Wishing you peace, health, and, happiness.
Thank You Dr. Dawn for talking about this! This was the story of My life. Praise God not anymore. Lorelle is taking care of Lorelle now!
Thanks for watching! Wishing you peace, health, and, happiness.
@@DocSnipes Thank you Dr!
Dr. Snipes,
Can't tell you how much you have helped me in last 2-3 years of downward spiral in my life!
Thank you so much for your help.
You’re so welcome. I am grateful to be of help. What have you found most helpful from the video?
@@DocSnipes How to control overthinking catastrophic thoughts. Why I think and feel the way I do.
I was pleaser , but i have changed it . And what happened ,they abandoned me . I led to anxiety and depression .
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
I find setting limits so difficult..ftom my childhood the family dynamics were not healthy
I set a limit with a friend who dies take advantage of me.. 2x
She became defensive
Starting defending with all her goodness
When I only made a request to stop doing some things
I see it ss her not wanting to take responsibility and for me to change my course and be who she wants me ti be and
Manipulate
I will keep activating my boundary muscle
This is for espevially older people
I am older and am frustrated at my late life I still am struggling to set them..it has hurt my life
So all keep working at it...Health relatiobships
Thanks for sharing. Wishing you, peace, health, and, happiness.
I have this problem because I don't want some bomb going off. After a while, as I have said and shown people I do have a breaking point. When that happens, I don't like it but it is a must. They will end up feeling the " eggshell" dance and forced in a way to think before they act. If they don't get it, they just get the consequences. They won't get the " nicey" part or actually as much from me. I still have to work on this and I'm better than I used to be. I really like my time away from them to do what I like that lowers my stress and have some joy. PAINTING. I'm a retired nurse and I want to be able to get out of my head for a bit.
Thank you for watching the video.
I have had a lifetime of this! Recently reaching out to friends and their inability to even grasp what i am going through made me cut off nearly all former ‘so-called’ friends. They were never friends and never had the capacity to consider anothers needs, problems, or struggles. As a people pleaser it is a constant issue. For example, i call friends to check in in them, normal stuff. If i don’t call them, i could go a lifetime without anyone ever even asking hey how are things?? That is called zero friends. Zero people even think or wonder hey what is up with that person? Its insane. I am a caring loving person who feels i consider others, wish someone else would feel the same for me! Zero!!
I am so sorry about that and I appreciate you watching the video.
Thank you 😊. I am a docile people pleaser and I didn't haven't this perspective that it's a problem until I realised I never get anything from anywhere. The root causes where insecurity about finances and depending on siblings in many ways. It's a long story. I did it thinking it would bring peace. But I have realised I have to work it out.
I appreciate you watching
@@DocSnipes I shared with my kids who are teenagers and they thought it was an eye opener. Thank you
Thank you so much ♡ this helps put things in perspective. Knowledge is power. So is self compassion ♡
It’s like you get me, a feeling of understanding almost. Wow, I feel so overwhelmed because people never reciprocate this behavior (understanding). But, you, as a stranger on the outside looking in GET it & I am so grateful for you. I would argue that this is an important curriculum and should be taught in school. But then everybody wouldn’t be responsible for they own behavior would they? 😩😔
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Couldn't have posted this at a better time . Thanks Doc Snipes!
Wonderful
i've always felt the need to be loved and sort of accept by others and myself. i came here hopping i can know myself better and what are my problems and that someday i will stop people pleasing. i knew i was a people pleaser long time ago but this video made me realize things. when you said people pleaser's dont often know themselves and they need words of information like your good, your loved, your doing alright,ect....i don't know myself what i want in the future what i love what like or dislike and this these things often makes me feel a little depressed. thank you for making the time and effort to make this beautiful video it really helped me.
You’re most welcome. I am glad the video was helpful
Thank you Dr. Sinpes; this is helpful both in my work as a SUD counselor and as a person in the helping profession.
You are very welcome.
Examine how people pleasing protected you in the past
Explore the relationships that taught you to people please
How do All or nothing thinking, personalization, catastrophizing, mind reading contribute to your belief that you must people please to be safe or loved?
What are some distress tolerant thoughts you can tell yourself to help deal with anxiety when you set boundaries?
The first step in addressing people pleasing is understanding why you do it...what function does that behavior serve to help you feel safe?
The next step is to develop tools like self esteem and distress tolerance skills that help you address anxiety that comes with starting to set boundaries and trying to take care of yourself.
The next step is to develop tools like self esteem and distress tolerance skills that help you address anxiety that comes with starting to set boundaries and trying to take care of yourself. Thank you !!!!!!!!! I needed this !!!!!
Hello Dr Snipes, thank you for sharing this video ! You mention that people pleasers are lacking sense of self as they behave as chameleons. Do you happen to have a video available on how to develop your sense of self as an adult ? Thank you
this is really half baked
I remember back in the day I thought people pleasing was just some weird behavior pattern that I fell into somehow. Then going to therapy and realizing Oh, I was parentified...Oh, my family is very enmeshed...Oh, I have a fear of abandonment...It's a long road but awareness is the first step, feeling your feelings about it is the next, and it's going to be very painful but it will be okay because at some point you will have relationships that actually feel good.
Thank you for watching and for sharing
That was incredibly profound that you do not have the right Or ability depending on circumstance to step in and take somebody else’s pain away yet that you can sit with them create the space for them to give their pain away and not to you just give it away. That is the healthiest way I have heard in the simplest way to be there as a friend as a family member as a wellness practitioner that is a incredible summary of health and wellness being expressed to encourage somebody’s health and wellness in them and to not hold up your need for value in their situation thank you so much. And as we all know if somebody steps in and fixes your situation usually it does transpire again because “ we “didn’t get the lesson. Mahalo
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
I have found that l need to please other people needs first, I still find that true today. Most of the time, I feel like I need to do for others. I do this so I can be okay being myself. I'm a constant apologizer. I often feel burnt out because I place other people first. I am the one who doesn't accept positive affirmation from others. Even though at the same time, I want to be recognized. PACER is an excellent reminder to take care of ourselves. The example of the square breathing to slow ourselves down so we can get into our wise mind. The distress tolerance skills of self-soothing our senses I have found to be an excellent way to get into my wise mind. Thank you Dr. Snipes.
I am sorry about that, Bill. The strategies you’ve mentioned are awesome. You’ve come a long way and I am grateful to be part of your journey.
@@DocSnipes
Thank you Dr. Snipes. I am grateful that I have found your channel. Through your videos, you have been very helpful to me.
This is remarkably enlightening! I noticed things were not right, but no one told me what was wrong. I have been a people-pleaser! I am actually very ashamed about it and I have been that way at my job. I am working to figure out why I went into that mode very early on in life. I must have been horribly afraid. I lost my entire self trying to survive by constantly fixing "mistakes" in me and in what I did. I am not yet sure what that is, but I went into a hole and have not really completely emerged. It is very, very strange. I lost the identity that I loved sooo much! I really want me back. I miss me very much. I am even getting "mushy" about it! I have been blind to what my life has been about.
I am sorry you feel estranged from that version of you from the past. Can you identify what might have caused this rupture? Keep in mind that that version of yourself is still there and you can try making a list of all the things that younger versions of yourself enjoyed doing and start doing them. Start taking care of your thoughts, wants and needs and put things in your environment that bring you joy.
Update ?
I just ended my 5 years of relationship because I'm not happy anymore. I broke the other person's heart because he didn't understand why. Now I understand my behavior issue is that I am a people pleaser. Thank you.
You’re welcome. Thanks for watching the video
Very thankful for this channel!
I am grateful to be of help and I appreciate you watching the video. What tips will you use first to address people pleasing?
Be of service for people.
Being Cordial & Be Courteously to your neighbor. Spiritual life.
Services. Businesses offering service. Horrible lifestyles. Religious training to serve, practicing kindness.
Many thanks for your help and support in my application process of recovery 🙏 .😊
You’re most welcome. Grateful to be of service
My parents were on drugs, so yes I can see where I picked up this behavior. 📝 thanks!
Thanks for watching and commenting.
Excellent presentation..just loved every bit of it
This is such a helpful video! Thank you so much for your direct and effective presentation style ♥️
You are so welcome! Thanks for watching.
This is one of the truest videos I have ever watched. This issue is affecting me greatly right now! And you Doctor Snipes are so resourceful 🙂 have a beautiful day!🌹😘🥰
Glad to help :)
Thank you so much for sharing, this video and all your other videos, it's helping me heal my inner child & really take control of my life now.
I have lived most of my life pleasing others. And it all starts with my childhood trauma, generational family beliefs, unspoken and so on.
So welcome. I appreciate you watching
Doc you are the greatest appreciate you for everything that you do please continue I am very grateful for all of the very insightful informative and inspiring inspiration and knowledge that I am receiving from you once again thank you very much
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
This is amazinggggg! When I first started therapy I said people pleaser No wayyyyy but oh myyyyy did I find out I wasn’t as confident as I thought. I am learning how to balance out my sincere heart and love for helping vs is anything about this a need. I have learned so much in therapy and you are saying everything my therapist teaching me as well. It has worked wonders and even as an extrovert I now highly value my alone time, having my own boundaries, coming into my voice in a healthy way that shows my love for me, and being overall happy and settled within. I also recognize my ways have affected my children. I’m going to share this video so we can discuss. This is such wisdom and as always THANK YOU DR SNIPES for taking the time to post this. I appreciate your work 👏👏👏👑
You’re so welcome. I appreciate you watching
Thank you doc Snipes, very helpful and insightful as always! ❤️
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Just say No and set boundaries and have realistic expectations. Respect myself first
Thanks for watching!
I shared this vid with the PP's I care about, and who are unaware. Thank you! Edit: As a former PP, unwinding these issues takes courage. (Best thing I have done.)
Thanks for sharing! Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Not to call anyone out but my mom is a people pleaser and I'm the scapegoat and I'm the only one that sees through her everyone wherever I go will compliment my mom because she was always doing something for someone but she was actually full of rage and spite everyone was always unfair to her and no one could match what she did always passive aggressive
It was great and educative presentation. Thank you!!
Looking forward to watching your video
Yay! Thank you!
I sms people pleaser.I had not liked conflict till I learned of the positive side. I learned through college that I come off to others as a martyr. I don't like that. but they could be right. I would rather be a positive person. Not come off so victimized either. You films are the best most insightful and full of knowledge.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
This is why I keep telling myself not to ever go on another blind date. Ended up constantly not doing things I wanted to do just to please them. Take for example after the relationship...trying to co parent with that person...basically having to do the same thing but that time in a courtroom simply to see my kid again. Also happens with one of my parents because they're likely manic bipolar you never know what's going to happen and having to just please them. Sort of like lately, been trying to merely shop online and it feels the same damn way.
Thank you for watching the video and for sharing
I'm really looking forward to this one
Same here!!! Can’t wait!
Thanks for watching.
@@DocSnipes welcome be safe
Thank you very much!
Would "keeping the peace" a form of people pleasing?
It can be when taken to extremes
So emotionally mature! Wow, I’m going to make a goal to become like that, you inspire me.
Thanks for watching and commenting.
Yes THANK YOU so much Doc Snipes for all you are and do. 😊
Ty so much.
Thank you Doctor Snipes 👍
Very Welcome
Another great video! Thanks!
Ty!
Thank You so much Dr Snipes..your Video has blessed me and many
On this painful learned behavior ..it has kept me from God's best ..I felt Our Lord put me here this morning..I have struggled with my loving NO .. I pray to locate the real authentic me
You arw God sent
May God Bless You !!!
Jeremiah 29:11 KJV
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Thanks for watching! Wishing you peace, health, and, happiness.
Bless you as well.
I also have another TH-cam Channel:
Good Orderly Direction | Practical Bible Study
th-cam.com/channels/YYJCD94NU3_qdbkSEyHLrg.html
Please consider liking and subscribing.
Thanks for this content. It helped me a lot
Glad it helped!
Wow she described me so much.
You deserve millions of subscribers
I am so grateful for your kind words, as I am for you, being here and watching videos. If you like the video, please feel free to share it, to help spread the word. Thank you!
Extremely helpful
Glad to hear! Thanks for watching the video
Very helpful thanks a lot
You are welcome
Very insightful
I am grateful to be of help and I appreciate you watching the video. How will you keep people pleasing from making you miserable?
OMG
I'm a people pleaser. I always do more at my jobs and get promises that I'll be promoted, but this never happens. They promote new comers and always use me for different tasks😢I always do what they say, take overtime, and cover when someone is sick. I suffer because I feel unappreciated. Maybe it is time to think of myself now?!
Could it be developed in my childhood because I always tried to be a good daughter for my parents to be happy, a good pupil at school so I make my teachers proud and now a good employer to be respected?
Thank you for watching the video. Yes, people pleasing could have been developed in your childhood
Thank you y
I appreciate you watching the video. What did you find most useful from it?
You explain things so clearly. I trust you and appreciate you❤️
Thanks for your kind words!
This is so insightful. Hope you can do video on how to say no..
Thanks for watching. Thanks for the suggestion. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
It is better to give than to receive but... Yes no draining
I think what I had for a long time was more like “monster appeasement.” Not like trying to make others happy but just do what people want Bcuz if I don’t, I’d fear getting clobbered or retaliated on. Kinda like people pleasing but for diff reasons. Not sure what the term is for that tho. Maybe it’s more like “peace makers.” Of course, it’s obvious to me that it’s Bcuz of the bully narc parent primarily and then for a long time after that getting bullied even more. Other times people would work on me with various sob stories, like this oh I’m gonna die if YOU don’t help me RIGHT NOW kinda stuff. Always so urgent. I finally said to myself...well die then. Ugh. Idc. 🙄 🤮 And now the bullies can now just have my middle finger. Lol. Got sick to death of both tho. Mostly my motivation was fear and wanting to just be safe or fear about someone else’s calamitous ruin and wanting them to be safe.
Also wasn’t awfully hard for me to say no to average people. Folks who don’t put so much pressure on me. Was harder to say no to these toxic folks who act like they’re gonna die and are just so extra pitiful. Of course was even harder to say no when they were coercive or pushy and bullish. Some folks just suck tho and they push or pull on folks REALLY hard. They’d be a giant pill for anyone. My main solution was realizing the feeling of toxic people and all their “urgent momentary pressure” coming at me and pushing against that “getting sucked in” feeling and then getting an attitude and telling a lot of folks no or to just let me think about it for awhile (with the intent of saying no later from a further distance from them WITHOUT the pressure cooker feeling as if to let it dissipate). Most jerks are never that patient anyways and find another sucker to drain. It’s like the trash takes itself out for me. Lol. I don’t think now I’m any people pleaser so much but I had very often wound up around so many toxic people. I just didn’t know how to combat that constant high pressure I got so much of. And I didn’t know how to stop being surrounded by so much toxic. But so it goes with Narcs. It’s like a sick black hole vortex always trying to suck you in like a vacuum or a strong magnet. I had to find a way to get that target off my head with those types. And yah. That was pretty much just boundaries. Too many thieves and robbers and pillagers were getting past my broken fence. I complied until the straw broke the camel’s back and then I kind of snapped and started wanting to defy pretty much everyone and their brother. They pushed me over some edge I guess, and I just got extremely fed up with all of it and these days I don’t mind dropping the F bomb on some folks and plenty of other expletives and maybe telling them to go where Satan lives if they think they’re gonna try and mess with me and be so pushy and ugly like that. Also I just had to learn that some folks won’t take no for an answer without a pretty hard smack down. And very good to learn the principles of self defense also. If someone is being threatening to me, it’s ok to go gloves off. “Nice” can get thrown out the window along with all the usual “rules” in that case. The principle being that if someone tried to attack me in my own home at gunpoint, if I had to kill them it would be justifiable homicide. Same goes for maybe killing someone with my words and attitude...if I had to in self defense. It’s just not safe for me to be “nice” to everyone and that’s just how I see it now. I now give back to folks what they bring to me. If it’s good they get my good side. If it’s bad, they get my “bad” side. And the chronic or extreme pity mongers just get a quarter so they can go call someone else who actually “cares.” Lol. I learned it Bcuz I had to. I was really tired of getting my ass kicked all over the place for so very long and pretty soon, I knew it was just gonna be the death of me if I didn’t find some real solutions. If you’re cut and bleeding and bruised all over tho, at some point you just have nothing left to lose by fighting back anyways. Or when the blood suckers take your last drop of blood, something has to give. And there’s just a fine line with self accusations too. Sometimes it’s “people pleasing” but other times you’re just surrounded by a horde of blood sucking vampires and you were never to blame for that. But at the same time, all that predatory blood letting these sickos try to do to you has still got to be stopped.
Thanks for watching.
The one about you need to take care of yourself first before you can help others is an excellent point. I wish our politicians in Washington City would understand that point. Why can’t we make sure our citizens here in the United States are taken care of first before we try to help the rest of the world. If they could think that way we’d be in much better shape.
Thanks for watching.
i feel gutted being called out like this. lol, what a mess i'm in
I am sorry you are struggling with this. Thank you for watching the video
I really like your content. 🙂
Ty
My most recent ex girlfriend has all of these characteristics. Nothing I said would help, I miss her very much but I know now the person I fell in love with is a mystery
Thanks for watching and commenting.
I have a question if you say no but if people make you feel guilty. What are you supposed to do?
If you permit the feeling of feeling guilty, then they have authority over you. End it love!
People pleaser = co-dependency = dependency personality.
Told me me heaps right there.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Cool
Ty
I feel I have to please to be loved. Hell even that doesn't work obviously lol
I am sorry about that. What tips will you use first to address people pleasing?
@@DocSnipes I'm actually not sure what to do... especially when I am looking for love hard. I'm a target it seems
But how do we catch it? So we can stop passing in people pleasing.
Thanks for watching!
You seem like you would be a great lawyer😂🤣 it’s because of your assertiveness and your ability to point out right from wrong Lol and the way you discern facts haha Lol
Ty That is a first time compliment I think. :)
Some of this can be true
Thanks for watching.
What is one of your favorite songs that helps you feel empowered?
"Respect" by Aretha Franklin
“Try” by Colbie Caillat
Taylor Swift Shake it Off
Aaron Tippin Kiss HTis
Kelly Clarkson "Stronger"
I want to hear you speak more
I have hundreds of videos out there :)
😉
Thanks
I ain't a people pleaser.🤣🤣🤣
The only one you should always please is God.
🇮🇱 I 🇮🇱 AM 🇮🇱 ISRAEL 🇮🇱
Thanks for watching!
Agreed
Saints of God ....we are all called to be person pleasers...we are all called to please him who has ordained us ..Jesus Christ is our Addonai...being a Christian requires us to do good for everyone we meet or that we know, without expecting rewards..we are called to be the hands and feet of Christ...it is his approval we seek. You've never thought about ministering to an angel of God...or have you? Maybe you are called to live and be an angel of God? To God be the glory! Our rewards are in the heavens...lay not up your treasures on earth. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also