Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
This information was mind blowing. It was so accurate and I feel like it unlocked answers for me I've been searching for my entire life! Why my relationships always cycle the same! It's because I rush no matter what red flags I see because I deeply want connection and want it to work! I overcompensate with forced interactions, I lose my identity and fulfill my irrational beliefs I will always be rejected because I end up breaking things off because I wake up and see I don't even know this person and frankly don't communicate properly or receive the emotional nourishment I deserve
I heavily relate, especially the communicating part. I wonder if that gets better or something i absolutely hate feeling like I can't say anything like my voice is stuck in my throat.
In a fashion, cohabiting makes the challenge of individuation challenging for all couples, in my mind. Even for "healthy" ones. I think individuation requires lots of self love and a strong commitment to maintaining one's separate identity, topped off with open and honest communication of positive feelings and fearful feelings. Yet, if there is too much individuation, the relationship tends to drift apart....mostly because honesty was abandoned. It is all challenging, regardless of circumstances.
Thank you for the video, very informative! Also thank you for breaking down the videos. I feel like it is easier to listen to 8 separate 5-6 minute video compared to one 45 minute video. But either way you are awesome. You explain things very well.
Maryam, I appreciate the feedback about the videos. I also offer small bite sized exercises in the online community I created to learn more about this work and how to integrate it into our daily lives. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I just came across your videos, and I'm gaining so much insight from them. I'm married and about to become a mother. I'm working on addressing my issues, so I can be a good mother and not repeat my parents' mistakes. I anticipate these videos are going to be very helpful to me. Thank you!
Sable, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If this informationis of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks for your wonderful guidance Alan. You have helped immeasurably in my healing process. After three years single I am now dating. I have strong inclinations on both extremes - anxious/preoccupied and avoidant. I am very grateful for these videos addressing issues of healthy attachment and they are extremely applicable to this chapter of my life.
Fantastic. I also wanted to ask - I have a U.S. citizenship but I am temporarily based in Japan at the moment. I know international calls are very expensive but I know Facebook calls are virtually free, is that an option you offer or are willing to negotiate on? I'm looking forward to joining your community online once it's launched.
another fantastic easily accessible video thank you. would you do a video on the actual logistics and process of individuating? it has taken me years to be able to do this at all because of a terrifying childhood compounded by choosing narcissistic partners. I'm sure there must be a quicker way for younger listeners ...
I´m planning to build myself up from scratch, before entering a relationship again, cause I want to attract a healthy partner. BIG QUESTION: Can I really go through this individuation process as a single person ? What about the differentiation process? Don´t you "need two people to tango" ?
I'm a bit confused about something and I would like to get a small push in the right direction to better understanding : Do I loose my sense-of-self if I view the 'brake-up' as a sort of life failure (yet another failed relationship of not being chosen for eg marriage). I am not emotionally 'enmeshed' with the person per se, but I AM validating myself/my life threw this relationship. I'm wondering is it all connected? Is the 'need to validate myself threw something' still 'loosing myself' because I have and external validation 'lense' that ''depends'' on someone else (the need to be chosen)? *Just to say that I appreciate Your work sooooo much, and You have been a ray of sunlight in my life for the past six months! Your approach brings so much truth, enlightenment and inspiration! Sending You huge support and love from across the globe!
Hi Alan , I’m from México sorry for the English. Please share with me a kínder of test or examples when someone si loosing their own identity . Do you have another video about this?
Great question Morel. I value your exploration and curiosity. We grow by asking questions. I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
What if the sense of self or individuation wasn't fully develloped in the first place due to some kind of emotional developmental retardation, lack of experience with the world, and having a relationship was one way of trying to grow, heal and develop. But then it ends "prematurely" when the process wasn't complete and a secure pattern hadn't been developed yet.
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
This information was mind blowing. It was so accurate and I feel like it unlocked answers for me I've been searching for my entire life! Why my relationships always cycle the same! It's because I rush no matter what red flags I see because I deeply want connection and want it to work! I overcompensate with forced interactions, I lose my identity and fulfill my irrational beliefs I will always be rejected because I end up breaking things off because I wake up and see I don't even know this person and frankly don't communicate properly or receive the emotional nourishment I deserve
I swear you and I are the same person. I could have written this!
Shenell Evans hey maybe that’s the point! A lot of people probably do this !
I heavily relate, especially the communicating part. I wonder if that gets better or something i absolutely hate feeling like I can't say anything like my voice is stuck in my throat.
In a fashion, cohabiting makes the challenge of individuation challenging for all couples, in my mind. Even for "healthy" ones. I think individuation requires lots of self love and a strong commitment to maintaining one's separate identity, topped off with open and honest communication of positive feelings and fearful feelings. Yet, if there is too much individuation, the relationship tends to drift apart....mostly because honesty was abandoned. It is all challenging, regardless of circumstances.
Thank you for the video, very informative!
Also thank you for breaking down the videos. I feel like it is easier to listen to 8 separate 5-6 minute video compared to one 45 minute video. But either way you are awesome. You explain things very well.
Maryam, I appreciate the feedback about the videos. I also offer small bite sized exercises in the online community I created to learn more about this work and how to integrate it into our daily lives. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I just came across your videos, and I'm gaining so much insight from them. I'm married and about to become a mother. I'm working on addressing my issues, so I can be a good mother and not repeat my parents' mistakes. I anticipate these videos are going to be very helpful to me. Thank you!
Sable, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If this informationis of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks for your wonderful guidance Alan.
You have helped immeasurably in my healing process.
After three years single I am now dating.
I have strong inclinations on both extremes - anxious/preoccupied and avoidant.
I am very grateful for these videos addressing issues of healthy attachment and they are extremely applicable to this chapter of my life.
Keep them coming Adam, I'm watching these as you upload them!
Great! Thanks William. Glad you like this series. I have 6 more to edit and post. Coming soon.
Fantastic. I also wanted to ask - I have a U.S. citizenship but I am temporarily based in Japan at the moment. I know international calls are very expensive but I know Facebook calls are virtually free, is that an option you offer or are willing to negotiate on? I'm looking forward to joining your community online once it's launched.
I really enjoyed this topic and would like more videos like this, maybe more in depth.
another fantastic easily accessible video thank you.
would you do a video on the actual logistics and process of individuating? it has taken me years to be able to do this at all because of a terrifying childhood compounded by choosing narcissistic partners. I'm sure there must be a quicker way for younger listeners ...
Very helpful thank you.
It reminds me of that country song “without you, baby I’m not me.”
I´m planning to build myself up from scratch, before entering a relationship again, cause I want to attract a healthy partner.
BIG QUESTION: Can I really go through this individuation process as a single person ? What about the differentiation process?
Don´t you "need two people to tango" ?
how did it go
I'm a bit confused about something and I would like to get a small push in the right direction to better understanding : Do I loose my sense-of-self if I view the 'brake-up' as a sort of life failure (yet another failed relationship of not being chosen for eg marriage). I am not emotionally 'enmeshed' with the person per se, but I AM validating myself/my life threw this relationship. I'm wondering is it all connected? Is the 'need to validate myself threw something' still 'loosing myself' because I have and external validation 'lense' that ''depends'' on someone else (the need to be chosen)?
*Just to say that I appreciate Your work sooooo much, and You have been a ray of sunlight in my life for the past six months! Your approach brings so much truth, enlightenment and inspiration! Sending You huge support and love from across the globe!
Fantastic
Great !
Glad you like this one. Please also share the video with a friend.
Hi Alan , I’m from México sorry for the English. Please share with me a kínder of test or examples when someone si loosing their own identity . Do you have another video about this?
The concept of individuation is great, what does that look like practically, in real time?
Great question Morel. I value your exploration and curiosity. We grow by asking questions.
I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions
Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
resonate
What if the sense of self or individuation wasn't fully develloped in the first place due to some kind of emotional developmental retardation, lack of experience with the world, and having a relationship was one way of trying to grow, heal and develop. But then it ends "prematurely" when the process wasn't complete and a secure pattern hadn't been developed yet.
can u do a video on on and off relationship with someone we know is wrong but we keep taking them back
I feel sick listening to your podcast it’s so all familiar ❤😢
And all the narcissists listening to this said.."amen." When they are building up their malignant sense of self. Smh