“You didn’t deserve their micromanaging….character assassination….didn’t deserve the constant rage they threw at you, then blamed you for their rage”--thank you for your videos, Dr. Carter. “You owe yourself the gift of dignity….the gift of assertiveness.”🌿☮️
No one else should control you. Even kids who grow up from parents have rights. The person with the mental disease is not qualified to tell you what to do either. Recognize the insanity. Protect yourself from narcissist abuse. Realize your role in the scheme and get therapy for yourself before you allow them to destroy you. Don't enable a drug abuser a wife beater or a sick person it's not satisfying. Find love inside and inner peace instead! Good luck.
"The grief that you have is a reminder that you are committed to love. You wouldn't feel grief if you didn't want to have love and goodness." Great lines.
"...walking with a limp for the rest of your life..." is such a fitting description. The narcissists in my life may not remember what they've done, or they may not even care, but I'm wounded like a broken bone that isn't set right, and I'll always have this limp even when the pain goes away. The damage is done, I can't just pretend like it never happened, but I can learn and grow and work around this limp. Being damaged doesn't make me less valuable or less deserving of decency. Same for every person reading this comment. 💖
Good words Dr. C reminds me to get rid of the evil negative memories of my father. Must remember I dont want to end up like him, bitter, hateful etc. Thank you for another goid vid.
Narcissists seek out victims who are sensitive and caring, and when those victims need healing, it is completely different from healing any other type of person bc of the MUCH deeper depth of the pain in sensitive souls. Thank you for sharing your advice for us victims.
Dr. Carter, I’m recovering from a 25 year marriage to a narcissist. This is the first time anyone has said the things you did in your “You didn’t deserve…” list. Thank you. I’m going to listen to this video everyday until your words seep into me and I believe them. I was once too crippled with fear to move forward. Too afraid I might not see a narcissist coming again. So riddled with pain from the experience that I wanted to give up. Your videos have been where I’ve found a safe place to heal. You’re a major reason I’ll find joy in life again.❤️
Amy, I was feeling so alone today until I read your post. I am recoverying from a 28 marriage to a covert narcissist. I have tried to help my sister and cousin (who are married to great men and have happy marriages) why I am so emotional and fearfilled. I checked all the boxes of "you didn't deserve" list. I hope you continue to heal from your marraige trauma and find love again (if you desire) and peace. I am looking forward to just breathing peacefully again. Dr. Carter has been a blessing to me too.
I am 1.8 years out of a 24 yr relationship(marriage) to a narcissist. I am still crippled by fear that I turn away from what could be honest friendships. I don't want to feel this way, but it's so hard to get past the fear. I too,will listen to this video until it sinks in and I no longer fear... If that can happen. While it seems I can rationalize well enough to get by, my confidence is still shaken. How can I be there for my daughter who is 20 years younger and is going through the same thing, when I still have not recovered...? Can I be an adequate mentor when I still have not recovered from the same trauma that I try to help her through? I guess time will tell. 💜💞🥰
@@monalisa2662, I believe you’re emotional because you thought, with all your heart, that someone was who they were not and, even as the person’s true character was being revealed, you continued to try, pouring yourself into making it work. Giving everything you had, including your dignity, it wasn’t enough to make your marriage succeed. Your loving and forgiving heart was crushed and bruised and invisible to your spouse, which is by no means a reward. So you continue to reach out to others in kindness, but only so far, because your ability to trust has been shattered. You see people who have what you fought so hard for yet your arms are empty. Does that resonate with you? It certainly is my story. What I know without knowing you at all is that you have expanded your capacity to love during what you’ve gone through. Your heart must be filled with enormous compassion for anyone else who’s suffering. Dear one, now is the time to turn all of that inward. Take time to heal and grow. Be kind and forgiving with yourself. You speak to yourself more than anyone else, make certain you’re saying supportive and loving things. I am proud of you and if you were standing before me, I’d hug you. We may have fought in separate battles, but we were in the same war. In my mind, that means we share a sisterhood and I need know nothing more than that to admire you.❤️
Character assassination is one of the worst; they are jealous and envious, determined to make you their enemy. I feel sorry for for them and their flying monkeys, but walking away can bring peace of mind even after decades (they don't change)
I see narc abuse as comparable to a cruel obstacle course that leaves a person injured, but also more skilled. I sure could have done better without that, but - onward and upward.
It hasn’t worked this way for me. I was/am involved now over 33 years. The cuts are too deep. He finds a way to worm himself in after I have tried to forgive and forget but when the memories come back they are fresh. I just cannot believe someone wants to hurt another. For the first 25 years I was convinced it was me and I was mentally ill. I now understand it was his manipulation. I am convinced I was never and am not now mentally ill. He used it to control me. I think if you have someone around that diverts your attention it is easier. I have no one. I want no one. I never want to get in this situation again.
"grief is the price you pay for wanting to love, but the grief you had is a reminder that you are committed to love and goodness" Thank you Dr. C. I needed to hear that today.
When we feel like everything is destroyed and taken away, it leaves a mark and something else. When we feel like they've taken our very essence they've failed. What makes a person whole and good is still there. It's hurting, but still there. It just needs a guilding gentle soul(s) to pull us back. That gives us hope, and no Narcissist can take that away from us. 🍒
yes and my scars have become anger at how i was manipulated. im free and myself again but now i dont feel anything anymore, for the cruelty and accusations ive been through.
@@gracescicluna1182 I agree. The numbness caused by the abuse is harder to get rid of. We tend to make a decision to remain single for the rest of our lives because of it. You're free and yourself. Love yourself and find happiness wherever and in whatever you can. 🍒
I've learned that a narcissist will never change or know how to love. They only know what's good for them because they are opportunists. Either lower your expectations to zero when dealing with them or get out of the way. Thank you for this video.
Yes this what I have in mind and I forgive . I say as Yeshuah an d Stephen the martyr, they do not know what they do With no obligation for fellowship whatsoever .
After I went gray rock for several months and established my independence from my narcissist wife, she said to me "We can be friends." I looked her straight in the eyes and said "I don't WANT you for a friend."
I'm blown away by the mastery of a Narcissist, not impressive mind you, but instead how they evolve into using such precision of techniques. The destruction & trauma they inflict! You feel shell shocked as though you're imprisoned, brainwashed & tortured ‼️
Allison Andersson No Allison - it won’t be worth it. Run from that person- no sex doesn’t mean no emotional damage. A lot of them prefer no sex because it involves intimacy and they can’t handle it. They don’t even know how to have sex like a normal person.
@Allison Andersson Him being kind and helpful makes you more confused. That is a hook that keeps you tethered to an unhealthy existence. You will lose precious time that you will never get again. Is the humiliation worth it? It is an individual lesson. Gird youself by learning more and more of what Dr. Carter teaches. He's absolutely right about all he says. Only you will know when the time is right for you. Keep instilling into your mind what Dr. Carter says. Narcs don't change because they don't choose to.
Brynnlea Pierce -Very well said. Thank you for reminding me of just how astonishingly manipulative narcs can be. I don't want to forget, even though it's painful to remember, because forgetting makes me much more vulnerable to falling into the outrageous traps. Remembering just how bad it can be is great protection.
After 2 yrs of marriage it ALL came out on how he feels about me. And for the next 30+ yrs. he's been breaking my soul and my body down. These people are EVIL!
@@jennifermoffett9866 - if you mean the child is an adult then I agree with cutting them out of your life. If the child is a minor I don’t know of the best solution.
I’m back to my two strikes you’re out rule. Once the person I’m dating shows me two or more red flags, I’m gone and without any explanation whatsoever. I will not revisit it again for any amount of effort on their part. People who use kindness without honesty are some of the worst types to become involved with. Run!!!
Wow, Dr. Carter - I'm not sure I can fully express how impactful this video is for me. The validation within is stunningly powerful; after years of having only the opposite, it stands in stark relief. I somehow feel you just gave a piece of me back to myself - one I've been mourning for a long time. Thank you ever so much!
I could really relate to your mourning... for a long time. 28 year to be exact. I pray for your healing as I know too well what loosing yourself feels like. I miss me. I used to be fun and joyfilled. I am in survival mode now. I hope I came find all the "pieces" of me again. I hope you heal and find all the pieces of yourself.
My whole world has been totally destroyed by my narcissistic boyfriend. I'm in the process of putting my life back together. I always blamed myself and felt like I was a failure whenever he would criticize me.The pain I feel has literally brought me to my knees. I just keep pushing forward and taking one day at a time.
My narcissist gave me gifts and money to apologize. I told him that’s not the way that he gets to love me. Loving me the right way is in words and in actions not in gifts alone.
Its like an amputation, I am now committing to my rehabilitation after that amputation. It was "emotional violence" far more painful than anything I could have experienced physically. Thank you Dr. Les.
Healing from the Narcissist is doable. But the first thing one must do is find their Worth In God and Walk Away if possible before even trying to heal. Make your latter years your BEST YEARS. ✨♥️✨
Thank you SO much. Through my therapist I’ve finally understood that my 84yr old mother is a narcissist & I’m the co-dependent, trauma bonded victim. At 53!. I feel destroyed, no self worth and lonely. But finding your channel and seeing all the comments it makes me cry that I am not alone. THANK YOU. With these videos as part of my therapy I feel more confident of healing myself, even though that seems distant at the moment.
"The grief that you have is the price you pay for wanting to love, and a reminder that you are committed to love and desire goodness." Thank you Dr C, for your practical help and encouragement.
I’ve dealt with this for almost 5 years and I’m moving on without this man. What a demon, yelling screaming fighting and trying to sabotage my life and business where I was blind NOW I see. THANK YOU JESUS! I’m free of this human and their miserable existence. I win!
Thank you I really needed to hear your message. I married one at 18years old, my only regret is my children had to endure their father’s narcissism But I turned to God for help and He has restored my self esteem. I’m 71 years old and have found a new husband that wants to spend the rest of our lives together. There is a wonderful life afterwards; again thank you 😊
They definitely owe us. However, forgiving means cancelling debt. And since what's at stake is a debt you know they'll never acknowledge or pay, you free yourself by choosing to unilaterally cancel their (awful) debt - meaning let go of any hopes or expectations of remorse or acknowledgement of wrongdoing on the abuser's part. We have to do it in order to move away from them (literally or gray rock). So when you drop any hope or demand of debt payment from them, you also open the prison door from the inside and allow yourself to step out of it and into the first breaths of freedom. Go from there.
The beauty of religion and believing in a after life is that you can forgive the narcissist but Allah(God) can still hold them accountable for what they did to you. Justice will be served.
@mountain blue Agreed. They never would think of themselves as needing forgiveness. As I tried to indicate, deciding to cancel their indebtedness to you is something you do for yourself - to release yourself from the frustration of their never showing remorse or changing their ways. It's an act of letting go and moving on without them.
The way you worded that really helped me understand that feeling a lot more, I've tried forgiving but I think unknowingly to myself Ive seen it as a debt owed and I need to just cancel the debt
Healing from damage done by emotionally unavailable and partially toxic parents and a narcissistic exhb. Every now and then I am so done with it and get depressed. It's the crappiest part of healing. The lost sense of self, low feeling of worthyness, etc.
I'm in the same boat...and them I keep flip-flopping b/w directing my rage at the parents and then the ex. Dunno who I hate more - the ones who gave me birth but could never love me, or the one who knew it all yet pretended to love me so he could destroy me?
@@ptshravani23787 EXACTLY! I had CPTSD for the last three years. They won’t speak to me because I told them they are psychopaths & Narcissists. All I want is to talk with my grandkids. I never want to see the rest of them.
This was beautifully expressed. I loved how you stated, that we do not owe anyone a relationship (especially the high-controllers/difficult individuals) and stated what we do owe ourselves. This is the first time that I have heard these stated with clarity and compassion. Your words touched the core of my being, and brought tears in my eyes. Thank you for your helping to heal my heart.
I read some great stuff, those narcissist need, better traits hec im whatever, but i find honor in truth, the peace ,hec your heart will fall, the only reason it happen to me i got carried away and would not stop texting her , stuff about her dum ways, but being mad , will make you hate, i dont like being hate full
I've already watched this video every morning since it was released. After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, this is a powerful message that I needed to hear.
No, I disagree with you, this is not the price you pay to love a nar person. They are mentally ill, a person should not pay a price for that. This is why Dr. Carter is on the internet. This is not buying a bad car, this is human behavior at it's worse.
I shredded that relationship and moved to Alaska. I don't know if you have what it takes, but if you want your life back you've GOT TO BE STRONG(!) and MOVE FORWARD and AWAY from that DEGRADING CRAP-itosis, and that person! Life goes on and you must "move on" with it!! You; and even your children if they're involved, will adapt and be happier without the stress. I lived in a hell that my parents created with constant screaming and fighting for years and I was left with the worst "narci" I've ever known; my mother. Still not fully healed from that. Being left with a "narci" mother messed me up for years! Loved her, but hated her. I fight against any narci traits I see in myself daily. Praying we can spot this in ourselves, before we hurt someone. Be human, not inhumane!
This will seem strange, but I hated how often my thoughts would turn to the narcissist. A piece of advice that I got was to read a book; it has worked, little by little. In my case, it was light reading: fiction. I wish you all the best.
It was already torture enough “married “to a malignant narcissist alcoholic, but now all of my adult children have his same characteristics. And they all have addiction problems. The agony doesn’t and hasn’t gotten better for me
You are loved. You are special. You are unique. You are valuable. Your thoughts and feelings matter. You matter. Always take care of and love yourself first. 🥰
PTSD is common in this situation. I had 28 years with a narc husband. He shook me to the core each day with his impending anger storms. Rage would happen over I.e. no sugar in the sugar bowl. He would think it was done on purpose as a diabolical plot against him. That the kids or I left the sugar bowl empty to anger him on purpose. Maddening. My kids are doing well now. That’s all I care about.
I had PTSD from a 17 year marriage to a narcissist. I got EMDR therapy with an excellent female Christian counselor. My severity of symptoms, ie: panic attacks, hyperventilation when I had to be anywhere near to my ex (I had to co-parent) were greatly lessened even after one session.
Just this week I asked my counselor what I had done to deserve the contempt my ex-husband showed me. She assured me I'd done nothing to deserve one moment of it. And tonight I hear you say the same thing--after a decade you both have told me what my heart needed to begin to heal--I did not deserve his manipulation, his disdain, nor his emotional abuse and I do not need to give him the opportunity to give me one moment more of it--whether in his actual presence or by giving him one more inch of space in my thoughts.
That which I cannot forgive, I give to God. Something's are just way too big to take on yourself. And too heavy to drag around. And too rediculous to think it's yours to carry in the first place. It's so hard to heal the devastation. The energy and amount of input and time lost. To heal that huge amount of grief, turmoil, hurt and pain. It takes years to put back together and to understand what happened to you. I'm reminded. One time I was talking out to God asking why? How is it fair that we victims have to pick up all the broken peices and the perpetrators get to walk on as if nothing happened. Like a tornado leaving behind its mess. The thought came to me... Would you want the perpetrator to touch those peices? To handle them, like they handled you? Those pieces are precious parts of you. Why hand them another piece of you to destroy or damage further? Pick up your chin. Pick up your pieces. Love yourself, accept yourself, understand yourself as you rebuild you. Takes time. Effort. And work. But, you're worth it!
Healing takes time, once you get used to a normal life without a narcissist spoiling you life on a daily basis, things get better. But recognizing exactly what the problem is and getting good advice gives you a heads up advantage. Dr Carter is a huge help.
Narcissists are so dangerous. You can be traumatized for the rest of your life. My parents were both narcissits and my brother is narcissist too. Iam working every day on a better life and have been going no contact years ago. The parents died last year. My brother refused to send me the message qnd tried to take the estate and the heritage. Iam now in court with him.
I am crying right now Dr. Carter. Your empathy and speaking the truth. I didn't deserve, but it is going to take a long time to trust again. I feel hopelessness and terrible grief.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I believe you. I listen to you everyday. Thank you for the lifeline you give to those of us who are suffering as well as the wisdom. I need to think my way out of the darkness and tell myself the truth.
Thank you for validating us. I cannot begin to describe how few in this world do that for the victims. Most don't understand the dark triads and believe "it takes two to tango" and keep asking us what we did to "deserve the abuse".
Straight up they're doing g that to me now and they always have. I didn't so anything! Even if I had, it didn't warrant the chaos I had coming my way. Jeez. Tha k u for posting. I a need the reminder as I fall into I shouldn't have been me but how else can I be? It's an awful way to live, I am trying hard to break free.
God taught me that I needed to feed my mind Faith, Self Love, and Positive thoughts. Each negative thought that comes up pounce down that one negative thought with three positive ones and keep on moving and appreciate the narcissist for making you a stronger individual. And Never look back!! And if they are apart of your family… then love and pray for them from Afar… ♥️
I forgave my narcissistic mother for everything, the bullying, lies, false accusations, everything. She’s a sick, entitled individual who has never experienced the gift of gratitude or love her entire life. And then went no contact. Forever. No matter what happens I am no contact. Forever. I’m enjoying the peace.
This has been the most meaningful video I have watched on this channel. It strikes very close to a point where I think many survivors of narcissistic abuse get stuck in the process of recovery.
Just recently I got a new insight. My mom wondered, when I go to visit her. I have not seing her in a long time. I had no feeling to go. I gave a job that is heavy, I feel down so I had no lzst to go there and feel lower! Our meeting have always ended so that I come home crying, and recovery takes days. Then I got a Heureka: She has totally different experiences about meetings! She ENJOYS fighting. She needs ACTION thst she creates by bulluong me. She needs to meet me to get a scapegoat into her hands - in that way, she truly feels better. My feelings are irrelevant. My feelings just are nonsense. Yes, finally, after decades I understood what is the real point to her to meet me and missme! She simply needs trashcan so that she can pour all her dirt into it and feel lighter about herself.
I was married to a narcissist, bipolar and OCD man, I have been divorced for years, but I am still in contact with him because we have children in common. After all this time I continue the struggle to overcome every encounter I have with him, every time I have to talk to him about the kids, it is as if a weight falls on my shoulders just to think about it, and I wonder, when will it end? It is exhausting at every level to deal with a person like that. For me, these years have been terrible when I realize all the damage from which I am still trying to heal. Your videos are so enlightening, and now I can see what he was doing to me and that I was not stupid, nor crazy, or weak. I was in a codependent relationship with a sick man. Thanks again.
Reading up, im shocked ive been there, absolutely the same. Been divorced for 11 years now , he still harasses me, but I am totally in control....!!! Stay safe and happy.
I just read your comment, I'm sorry. I also was married to a Nar. & a bipolar man. It was He. . . . .on earth. I'm also div. from years back, no children, now I can say to that, Thak God. He ended up facing four years prison time, after 12 theft arrests and a warrant for not showing up. He suddenly died in his 60's. Shame of his family, 4.5 years ago. I still feel the hurt, but I'm trying to finish my Bus. Degree. I will go into Computer Programming, decided just this year! Best thing I ever decided besides my div. please Lou, you are just a beautiful women, life is too short, as they say, and it is. I'm excited, looking toward to new learning in every respects, not more damage, I'am happy. Good luck, you will find a way to deal with this creep.
Being new to Dr. C and hearing this message from a year ago is so true. The narcissist doesn’t define me! I love hearing Max’s enthusiastic bark in the background! He’s reminding us we’re full of life to live this day forward. Much gratitude and blessings to Dr. C and Max!
Your encouragement is so good for my soul! I lost so many people in my life because of walking away from a 27 year marriage to a narcissist, but they judged wrongly. I would rather have moments of loneliness alone rather than overwhelming loneliness in a fake marriage. Thank you for giving me, and I'm sure many others, affirmation that truly blesses
I am experiencing 40 plus years of this abuse by h and now to deal and grieve with rejection by daughter and her family. He used our son and I as his scapegoats. I would love to send this video to them what do you think? Afraid they would turn it around on me. Fake people are the worst! My favorite phrase is when satan can’t get to you he sends a narcissist.
@@debbiesmith8544 I don't believe a narcissist has enough self awareness to connect the dots between how they abuse others and the information in videos like this. In the end it might just cause you more pain and grief. I'm so sorry to know about your children. It hurts so much, I'm sure. Take care of yourself
A narcissist is like a dictator. Do as you’re told or face their wrath. I wish I could get out. Being mentally tortured, verbally abused, watching your kids suffer the very same treatment and trying to shield them takes a toll. I don’t know how long I can do this. It has been 24 years and I am not my confident young me any longer. I’m an empty shell that may shatter at any moment.
Imagine that you were an external person, and you were offered the choice to save one's persons life worth. Which one would you save, Lornayuen or their narcissist?
I'm crying on this one. So powerful and something alot of us never heard or hear. Thank you for your help and support The hardest thing for me to deal with, with him, was that he could gaslight and be so very cruel but when the moment was over, I was expected to show him love and care and pretend he hadn't killed me with his words. And they act like they have said or done nothing wrong. I couldn't even look at him for hours. We're expected to carry on. It's so very very hard to forgive. But we have to, to claim who we are again
Recovering from a narcissistic “friend” just 2 weeks in and it’s so hollowing after breaking free from the mind games. As an empath, it’s been so hard to wake up from such toxic qualities that person embedded in me to be “normal.” I am so happy to be reminded that my dignity, respect, and stability is worthy of recovering and I live for myself. I am very grateful for these videos 🙏🏼
I have been tethered to a narc sister for my entire life of 67.5 years. That is a LONG time. Bound by a sense of family ‘loyalty’. Our parents are both deceased many years now - which had me tied to sister even more. Thank you, Dr. Carter. After so many decades, maybe I can finally, finally be free!
My sister is also a mean-spirited narcissist. So much pain and hurt for 65 years. I've been a little puppy dog, always hoping for her love. Just to see this is some healing and freedom.
Have you watched the movie “The Labrinth”? I have watched this movie a million times and realized that Jareth is really a huge narcissist. Classic one. I think for me just understanding them has helped me just not fall into their emotional traps.
I always thought thre was alot more to this movie, but wasn't sure what it was. DSD did a video on Jareth playing victim. Sara calls him out, and he's like "Look what all I did for you." The ingratitude, right? Then he plays it up like the biggest victim. David Bowie played it well.
Labyrinth Sarah ‘through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the goblin city to take back the child you have stolen’ Jareth just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave, forever’ Sarah ‘you have no power over me’
We kind of know that it’s our fault we got into this and so that’s why it’s hard to heal. Setting boundaries and changing myself is likely my answer. I am tough on my worth and self-esteem these days! Great video!
Dr. C , I just want to thank you. I dont have the stomache to go into details about my traumatic experience with a narcissistic husband, whom i recently left, because i am feeling very obliderated (of course) ! Anyway, I've watched so many of your videos as well as countless others here on TH-cam, as well have i read hundreds of pages via google search, trying to wrap my heart and mind around the whole experience, and it has been a long, very agonizing journey, yet at the end of each day, found myself still absolutly heartbroken, crushed, and still fantasizing about the future, missing him, hoping that we will reunite.. Until yesterday. I was binge watching narc videos, mostly yours and another Dr. I like, just kinda scratching the surface of them, and while doing so, one of your stopped me in my tracks. You were talking about what I didn't deserve. The invalidations, the character assassination, etc.. and it just triggered something in me. It was the first bit of strength I suddenly felt. The first moment in a day where all of a sudden my heart didnt ache , seemingly full of only sorrow. I only listened to the video & what you were saying for maybe 30 seconds, then went immediately to compose my finest and final decree to my narcissist husband , I want to share it with you, so that you know you have helped someone, a stranger , you have given me such a gift, as well as many others im sure. You are a Godsend! Im on day two with this morsel of strength & realization I found through you, I can sum it up as , so far today, I haven't dwelled on killing myself. Seriously. Anyhow, i hope my letter may help you in some way, to help the others as you do. Sincerely, my gratitude😭❤🙏 (letter to my narcissist husband follows below) "I did not deserve all the invalidations given to me by you, I did not deserve all the shaming Or all the guilt piling. I did not deserve the constant suspicions and accusations, I did not deserve the gaslighting, The blame shifting , The character assassination, the lonliness, I did not deserve the unforgivingness, the animosity, the physical , mental & emotional abuse.. I DID DESERVE the love, the encouragement, the friendship, i DID deserve the kindness, the consideration, the tenderness. SO DID YOU. And i realize now, as i am here within looking at our life over the past two years, that while of course i am flawed, nobodys perfect, and of course theres areas in which i need to overcome, grow and change about myself & my life, that is NORMAL. EVERYONE has that because Nobody is perfect. But im realizing that for the past two years, i have been manipulated into feeling like i am a seriously damaged human and i have been projected as, judged & accused of, and persecuted as being a person who is malicious and disingenuous, who is out only to cause damage to others. Someone i love deeply put all this on me, and it has left me a complete wreck, i have never ever ever felt this confused and heartbroken and hopeless. To the point that i am more and more most likely going to hurt myself in a way that cannot be undone. So here i am on the edge. I dont know if im going to survive. I do not know how long its gonna take to heal or how great that feat is going to have to be. But i do know this, that i DID NOT deserve to EVER be treated that way. By you or anyone. NOBODY DOES. INCLUDING YOU. I LOVED YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. I never tried to intentionally harm you or character assassinate you, or make you feel bad in any way. BELIEVE what you will. YOU ARE NOT MY GOD. I know who i am and how i am. So many people love me and know me. So I REFUSE to let one person who thinks i am a terrible person , cause me to take my life. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN YOU. And i dont care anymore what you say , think or believe about me, to anyone. You DO NOT have any more power over me. I DO NOT need nor want revenge. I DO NOT even need justice, because there will be none. And I am okay with that. I DO however, hope to one day , be able to forgive you wholeheartedly. If i ever can, it will be within a heart that no longer aches for the you i THOUGHT you were, within a heart that is absolutly NOT OPEN to EVER let you in again. So have i moved on? You can bet your ass i am halfway there already, because i realized all this today. There is nothing , and i mean absolutly NOTHING you could say or do to change my mind or take this away from me. You CAN'T AND WILL NOT hurt me anymore. You might win some but you just lost one.! If you need victory, then go ahead and believe that you have it. No need to share your thoughts or feelings with me, because i no longer care and nothing about you or memories of you have any power over me. Good riddance for sure!"
I’m just starting to admit to myself, all the things I either knew or didn’t want to know about my mother. Some place deep down, I think wanted to be wrong and hold on to a the fantasy mother I created. I didn’t have enough strength all these years to admit to myself, that my own parents bet against me from the start. That’s a tough pill to swallow. You’re words brought me a little comfort on a very difficult day, thank you!
I misunderstood the title of this video to mean how to heal after permanently getting away from the narcissist. That said, if you are under the influence of a narcissist please make a plan to exit that influence. Healing in my experience cannot take place while in the relationship, whether it be romantic, workplace, or other. You have to have separated from the narcissist before true healing can commence. So, make a plan for team healthy. If that means divorce, quitting your job, leaving an organization you love, or otherwise walking away then so be it. And, no, suicide is not a solution. So get that out of your head. Once you leave a narcissist you’ll find out just how much they changed you. It’s time to change back to the healthy you. And that takes a little time. But it does happen. Just like healing from a burn or injury on your physical body takes time so does recovery from an unhealthy realtionship.
He's just awesome and amazing and he's helped me through this torture and pain. I listen over and over to his videos. He's so calming and so smart. God bless him.❤
Not just a narcissistic spouse. A pair of lawyers and a judge or two. I’m just praying that the damage that they caused me does not continue in the present. 😔
This video broke through my wall and tears started to flow. Thank you for the "you don't deserve" list and where to go from here. You are so insightful, Dr. C. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you know you are changing lives.
Thank you for explaining how I can deal with my grief over what I always hoped would be the love of my life and it turned out to be knowing what it felt like to be hated.
I like many of the comments too, which give one food for thought, and a feeling of camaraderie. There are so many caring commenters among the viewers. Thanks go out to all.
My narcistic wife died of a chronic illness & cancer. I am now married to a warm, loving, supportive, honest woman. The best revenge is to live well. My life is wonderful. And my former wife knew it before she died.
I did grief the mother I didn't have. You can never change this people. I've healed my wounds from my past and became a better version of a mother to my kids.
He dislikes my parents my kids and gives me the silent treatment for weeks at a time. He won’t listen to me when I try to talk to him and says I bring him nothing but problems. He says life isn’t fair when I expect him to use the same rules he gives me. He ignores me physically and emotionally. He tells me one person isn’t enough for men (not sure why we got married). He’s constantly seeking other women for attention. This is year 4 and I believe I’m finally done. This wasn’t the man I thought I married.
So, so beautiful and inspiring as I move through preparations to leave after 20 years of narcissistic abuse. So much gratitude for the help of Dr. Carter. My soul is awakening into a new and more peaceful way of being.
DRC - He is correct! Many years ago the narcissist in my life wrote a letter to me after they learned I was going NC. I had changed my phone number so they could not call me. The letter was full of lies, false accusations and threats because I was "defying them" by going NC. My reply was to return the letter to them with a note attached that simply said "I do not deserve a letter like this". This person never attempted to contact me again.
![🎤 จับฉลากร้องเพลง x P’ #XXSIVK [EP.1] (2/2) เพื่อนจับได้คำไหน..ต้องร้องคำนั้น เริ่ม! 💓🎶 #MXFRUIT](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1bJvMJXmeS4/mqdefault.jpg)
"You didn't deserve to be stripped of your worth and dignity" says it all
CIVIL, respectful, dignity
I cried hearing this.
I wasn't and neither were the abused.
We did not.
I started crying when I heard those words. It's truly very sick what these people do to multiple people without empathy.
They're very argumentative, twist the truth, change the facts, act like a victim and never own up to doing anything wrong.
O.M.G!! Yes they do, they make you feel and question your sanity.
“You didn’t deserve their micromanaging….character assassination….didn’t deserve the constant rage they threw at you, then blamed you for their rage”--thank you for your videos, Dr. Carter.
“You owe yourself the gift of dignity….the gift of assertiveness.”🌿☮️
No one else should control you. Even kids who grow up from parents have rights. The person with the mental disease is not qualified to tell you what to do either. Recognize the insanity. Protect yourself from narcissist abuse. Realize your role in the scheme and get therapy for yourself before you allow them to destroy you. Don't enable a drug abuser a wife beater or a sick person it's not satisfying. Find love inside and inner peace instead! Good luck.
Nobody deserves this. Assertive communication helps enormously, I highly recommend learning and developing this skill.
You have to be alone for a while while you're healing, and be your own best friend. 💜💜💜
Yes!!
Yes this is true
Very true!!
Fr
yes!! be alone, finding the lost soul
"The grief that you have is a reminder that you are committed to love. You wouldn't feel grief if you didn't want to have love and goodness." Great lines.
Thanks for sharing.
True, but I still feel stupid for being blindsighted, and grasped in such ongoing pain .
@@leahc8347 I understand and can relate.
Well said, thank you🎈
Great suffering comes with this
"...walking with a limp for the rest of your life..." is such a fitting description. The narcissists in my life may not remember what they've done, or they may not even care, but I'm wounded like a broken bone that isn't set right, and I'll always have this limp even when the pain goes away. The damage is done, I can't just pretend like it never happened, but I can learn and grow and work around this limp. Being damaged doesn't make me less valuable or less deserving of decency. Same for every person reading this comment. 💖
Thank You
Good words Dr. C reminds me to get rid of the evil negative memories of my father. Must remember I dont want to end up like him, bitter, hateful etc. Thank you for another goid vid.
Very Old Testament biblical. Walking with a limp.
When Jesus restores He makes us better then the original. He's just that good. May He perfect the things that concern you. ❤
This made you stronger. You are not damaged. You are a SURVIVOR. And SURVIVORS have more values, remember that
"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life." ~ Unknown (Edit: Akshay Dubey)
@@micke7 Thanks Mikael now I know.
Great quote. Dr. C
Sure doesn't anymore
still Learning!
True I really love this
Narcissists seek out victims who are sensitive and caring, and when those victims need healing, it is completely different from healing any other type of person bc of the MUCH deeper depth of the pain in sensitive souls. Thank you for sharing your advice for us victims.
this is so true.
Dr. Carter, I’m recovering from a 25 year marriage to a narcissist. This is the first time anyone has said the things you did in your “You didn’t deserve…” list. Thank you. I’m going to listen to this video everyday until your words seep into me and I believe them.
I was once too crippled with fear to move forward. Too afraid I might not see a narcissist coming again. So riddled with pain from the experience that I wanted to give up. Your videos have been where I’ve found a safe place to heal. You’re a major reason I’ll find joy in life again.❤️
Amy, I was feeling so alone today until I read your post. I am recoverying from a 28 marriage to a covert narcissist. I have tried to help my sister and cousin (who are married to great men and have happy marriages) why I am so emotional and fearfilled. I checked all the boxes of "you didn't deserve" list. I hope you continue to heal from your marraige trauma and find love again (if you desire) and peace. I am looking forward to just breathing peacefully again. Dr. Carter has been a blessing to me too.
I am 1.8 years out of a 24 yr relationship(marriage) to a narcissist. I am still crippled by fear that I turn away from what could be honest friendships. I don't want to feel this way, but it's so hard to get past the fear. I too,will listen to this video until it sinks in and I no longer fear... If that can happen. While it seems I can rationalize well enough to get by, my confidence is still shaken. How can I be there for my daughter who is 20 years younger and is going through the same thing, when I still have not recovered...? Can I be an adequate mentor when I still have not recovered from the same trauma that I try to help her through? I guess time will tell. 💜💞🥰
@@monalisa2662, I believe you’re emotional because you thought, with all your heart, that someone was who they were not and, even as the person’s true character was being revealed, you continued to try, pouring yourself into making it work. Giving everything you had, including your dignity, it wasn’t enough to make your marriage succeed. Your loving and forgiving heart was crushed and bruised and invisible to your spouse, which is by no means a reward. So you continue to reach out to others in kindness, but only so far, because your ability to trust has been shattered. You see people who have what you fought so hard for yet your arms are empty. Does that resonate with you? It certainly is my story.
What I know without knowing you at all is that you have expanded your capacity to love during what you’ve gone through. Your heart must be filled with enormous compassion for anyone else who’s suffering. Dear one, now is the time to turn all of that inward. Take time to heal and grow. Be kind and forgiving with yourself. You speak to yourself more than anyone else, make certain you’re saying supportive and loving things.
I am proud of you and if you were standing before me, I’d hug you. We may have fought in separate battles, but we were in the same war. In my mind, that means we share a sisterhood and I need know nothing more than that to admire you.❤️
@Amy
Don’t give up. Keep healing
@@5Luckyducky, thank you! Just your kind words here have me feeling stronger! You’re wonderful.❤️
Character assassination is one of the worst; they are jealous and envious, determined to make you their enemy. I feel sorry for for them and their flying monkeys, but walking away can bring peace of mind even after decades (they don't change)
I see narc abuse as comparable to a cruel obstacle course that leaves a person injured, but also more skilled. I sure could have done better without that, but - onward and upward.
Like a gauntlet
It hasn’t worked this way for me. I was/am involved now over 33 years. The cuts are too deep. He finds a way to worm himself in after I have tried to forgive and forget but when the memories come back they are fresh. I just cannot believe someone wants to hurt another. For the first 25 years I was convinced it was me and I was mentally ill. I now understand it was his manipulation. I am convinced I was never and am not now mentally ill. He used it to control me. I think if you have someone around that diverts your attention it is easier. I have no one. I want no one. I never want to get in this situation again.
@@kateym2198 sounds like you still have contact with the narc. If you do, why?
I RECENTLY READ NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS A RAPE OF THE SOUL..SURE FEELS THAT WAY
Sage, yes... Thank you for that.. ❤️
"grief is the price you pay for wanting to love, but the grief you had is a reminder that you are committed to love and goodness" Thank you Dr. C. I needed to hear that today.
Me too!
The Scars we will always have will remind us what never to put up with again. 🍒
In time the scars fade and wisdom remains
there is no healing possible when everything has been destroyed and taken away.
When we feel like everything is destroyed and taken away, it leaves a mark and something else. When we feel like they've taken our very essence they've failed. What makes a person whole and good is still there. It's hurting, but still there. It just needs a guilding gentle soul(s) to pull us back. That gives us hope, and no Narcissist can take that away from us. 🍒
yes and my scars have become anger at how i was manipulated. im free and myself again but now i dont feel anything anymore, for the cruelty and accusations ive been through.
@@gracescicluna1182 I agree. The numbness caused by the abuse is harder to get rid of. We tend to make a decision to remain single for the rest of our lives because of it. You're free and yourself. Love yourself and find happiness wherever and in whatever you can. 🍒
I've learned that a narcissist will never change or know how to love. They only know what's good for them because they are opportunists. Either lower your expectations to zero when dealing with them or get out of the way. Thank you for this video.
Perfectly said!!! 💥❤️🙏
It’s easier to forgive when you realize how pathetic they are!!
That, and faith in God helped me as well. He, and his new supply are just a mess.
They live with that , that’s their karma !
Yes this what I have in mind and I forgive . I say as Yeshuah an d Stephen the martyr, they do not know what they do
With no obligation for fellowship whatsoever .
they are not pathetic. they are cruel and dangerous. they destroy lives.
Sad really. How broken and empty they are.
They will NEVER change! Forgiveness does not include reconciliation; there is no trust means no relationship!!
It is a bumpy road. Grief over so much wasted time, hope and effort on a con man, who is stuck in a disorder.
You nailed it!
Damaged my healthy ego.
Ruined my trust.
Keeping me from finding someone to love.
I didn't deserve this.
Forgiveness isn't letting them off the hook, it's letting go of the hook. 'Let go and let God '...
Excellent Hook analogy. Ty
After I went gray rock for several months and established my independence from my narcissist wife, she said to me "We can be friends." I looked her straight in the eyes and said "I don't WANT you for a friend."
I'm blown away by the mastery of a Narcissist, not impressive mind you, but instead how they evolve into using such precision of techniques. The destruction & trauma they inflict! You feel shell shocked as though you're imprisoned, brainwashed & tortured ‼️
Yes. Exactly how I feel.
So true and impressive given underneath all their BS is nothing - total empty shells - nothings - what con artists
Allison Andersson No Allison - it won’t be worth it. Run from that person- no sex doesn’t mean no emotional damage. A lot of them prefer no sex because it involves intimacy and they can’t handle it. They don’t even know how to have sex like a normal person.
@Allison Andersson Him being kind and helpful makes you more confused. That is a hook that keeps you tethered to an unhealthy existence. You will lose precious time that you will never get again. Is the humiliation worth it? It is an individual lesson. Gird youself by learning more and more of what Dr. Carter teaches. He's absolutely right about all he says. Only you will know when the time is right for you.
Keep instilling into your mind what Dr. Carter says. Narcs don't change because they don't choose to.
Brynnlea Pierce -Very well said. Thank you for reminding me of just how astonishingly manipulative narcs can be. I don't want to forget, even though it's painful to remember, because forgetting makes me much more vulnerable to falling into the outrageous traps. Remembering just how bad it can be is great protection.
Just not feeling hyper vigilant all the time has been worth it.
Control causes so much pain and damage. Even after getting out of it, it still feels like that cloud hovers over you.
Yes...a constant reminder...guilt.
It will fade away, trust me. But it takes time...
I relate to the clouds but I think the term for it is compartmentalisation (I think)
You can't get rid of a narc sister so u have to figure out a way to deal with them over & over & over again & again crazy
Controlling people leave a path of destruction behind them.
After 2 yrs of marriage it ALL came out on how he feels about me. And for the next 30+ yrs. he's been breaking my soul and my body down. These people are EVIL!
Cutting them off early could tremendously help.
What if it's a parent?
@@jennifermoffett9866 minimize contact?
@@jennifermoffett9866 - if you mean the child is an adult then I agree with cutting them out of your life. If the child is a minor I don’t know of the best solution.
How to recognize them during love bombing...
I’m back to my two strikes you’re out rule. Once the person I’m dating shows me two or more red flags, I’m gone and without any explanation whatsoever. I will not revisit it again for any amount of effort on their part. People who use kindness without honesty are some of the worst types to become involved with. Run!!!
I'm tired of feeling like I'm never pretty enough, thin enough, curvy enough, athletic enough, healthy enough, energetic enough, calm enough, chill enough, fun enough, popular enough, wealthy enough, smart enough, emotionally regulated enough, successful enough, or academic enough for narcissists.
Ugh I'm so done.
You are enough. Just the way you are!
You are enough, narcs are jealous of great people, that is why they hurt you.
Wow, Dr. Carter - I'm not sure I can fully express how impactful this video is for me. The validation within is stunningly powerful; after years of having only the opposite, it stands in stark relief. I somehow feel you just gave a piece of me back to myself - one I've been mourning for a long time. Thank you ever so much!
So pleased! Dr. C
Me too.
Yes me too I echo those comments!! This was extremely helpful for me!! Thank you Dr. C!🙏
I could really relate to your mourning... for a long time. 28 year to be exact. I pray for your healing as I know too well what loosing yourself feels like. I miss me. I used to be fun and joyfilled. I am in survival mode now. I hope I came find all the "pieces" of me again. I hope you heal and find all the pieces of yourself.
Yeh this guy is the bomb...I come for tune ups all the time...you'll get better at it, but it does take practice. Shalom
My whole world has been totally destroyed by my narcissistic boyfriend. I'm in the process of putting my life back together. I always blamed myself and felt like I was a failure whenever he would criticize me.The pain I feel has literally brought me to my knees. I just keep pushing forward and taking one day at a time.
It gets better! If you can, imagine your future happiness just being able to be you again 💜❤️
The rest of my life devoted to treating myself as a close friend.
"I want to be available to the people who care about me", "The narcissist does NOT define me". I needed to hear this. Thank you so much, Dr. Carter!
I need to hear that healing from a Malignant Narcissist family member is possible. The damage done here is immense.
YES! Me too
Me too!
Healing is possible. I'm there too. The damage is immense...you will change as you heal. Keep going 🙏
@@karlas.421 Thank you Karla, and to everyone else for their support and encouragement. 💕
Same with me!!
Narcissism is so sad, they are stuck in a dead end. It is scary to know someone will be doomed to end up alone this way.
My narcissist gave me gifts and money to apologize. I told him that’s not the way that he gets to love me. Loving me the right way is in words and in actions not in gifts alone.
My father did the same. But never did apologize for the way he treated us or the hurtful things he said
Yeah and they can’t do that so they think it’s Ok just throw money at you well guess what it’s not enough
My father in law 100% me trying to decline the gifts made me seem ungrateful and my husband would get mad at me.
The disdain is hard to deal with. Treating it as no longer relevant is a good idea.
The disdain and condescension
Only through Jesus Christ I healed and had courage to say no more.
Amen...
God blessx
Its like an amputation, I am now committing to my rehabilitation after that amputation. It was "emotional violence" far more painful than anything I could have experienced physically. Thank you Dr. Les.
Healing from the Narcissist is doable. But the first thing one must do is find their Worth In God and Walk Away if possible before even trying to heal. Make your latter years your BEST YEARS. ✨♥️✨
Crystal Ferguson,You are beautiful,hope you are not with a narcissist....
Aaaamen
Thank you SO much. Through my therapist I’ve finally understood that my 84yr old mother is a narcissist & I’m the co-dependent, trauma bonded victim. At 53!. I feel destroyed, no self worth and lonely. But finding your channel and seeing all the comments it makes me cry that I am not alone. THANK YOU. With these videos as part of my therapy I feel more confident of healing myself, even though that seems distant at the moment.
Thanks for your heart warming comments! Best wishes to you and I'm glad you have a therapist you trust. Dr. C
My mom was a narcissist and now my husband. I hope I learned my lesson. Don’t want to repeat this again
I'm with you. And I'm over 66.
@@jodyhenning2128 same here.
I'm 50 and just recently went no-contact with my 84 year old violent, racist, sadistic OCPD/NPD mother. It was either that or suicide.
"The grief that you have is the price you pay for wanting to love, and a reminder that you are committed to love and desire goodness." Thank you Dr C, for your practical help and encouragement.
I agree.
I’ve dealt with this for almost 5 years and I’m moving on without this man. What a demon, yelling screaming fighting and trying to sabotage my life and business where I was blind NOW I see. THANK YOU JESUS! I’m free of this human and their miserable existence. I win!
Best wishes!
They don't have the light and want to steal yours. BE AWARE
DEEP reminds me of Amadeus movie
Best comment!
Thank you I really needed to hear your message. I married one at 18years old, my only regret is my children had to endure their father’s narcissism
But I turned to God for help and He has restored my self esteem. I’m 71 years old and have found a new husband that wants to spend the rest of our lives together. There is a wonderful life afterwards; again thank you 😊
So happy for you that you've found love. Its never too late! Best wishes to you.
They definitely owe us. However, forgiving means cancelling debt. And since what's at stake is a debt you know they'll never acknowledge or pay, you free yourself by choosing to unilaterally cancel their (awful) debt - meaning let go of any hopes or expectations of remorse or acknowledgement of wrongdoing on the abuser's part.
We have to do it in order to move away from them (literally or gray rock). So when you drop any hope or demand of debt payment from them, you also open the prison door from the inside and allow yourself to step out of it and into the first breaths of freedom. Go from there.
the only person you need to forgive is yourself for staying too long
The beauty of religion and believing in a after life is that you can forgive the narcissist but Allah(God) can still hold them accountable for what they did to you. Justice will be served.
@mountain blue Agreed. They never would think of themselves as needing forgiveness. As I tried to indicate, deciding to cancel their indebtedness to you is something you do for yourself - to release yourself from the frustration of their never showing remorse or changing their ways. It's an act of letting go and moving on without them.
The way you worded that really helped me understand that feeling a lot more, I've tried forgiving but I think unknowingly to myself Ive seen it as a debt owed and I need to just cancel the debt
Forgive Once, No Forgiveness the Second time for the same thing, That leaves you Open To be Made a Fool of. Just my Experience.
'the grief you have is the price you pay for wanting to love' - so beautifully put.
Healing from damage done by emotionally unavailable and partially toxic parents and a narcissistic exhb. Every now and then I am so done with it and get depressed. It's the crappiest part of healing. The lost sense of self, low feeling of worthyness, etc.
We accepted the behavior in the ex because of the parents we had!
@@Chasing70 so true!
@@Chasing70 100%!
I'm in the same boat...and them I keep flip-flopping b/w directing my rage at the parents and then the ex. Dunno who I hate more - the ones who gave me birth but could never love me, or the one who knew it all yet pretended to love me so he could destroy me?
@@ptshravani23787 EXACTLY! I had CPTSD for the last three years. They won’t speak to me because I told them they are psychopaths & Narcissists. All I want is to talk with my grandkids. I never want to see the rest of them.
Trauma is a Signal that a Boundary has been Crossed .
"I don't want to be like this person" 💛💛💛💛💛
Yep, they don't have a healthy sense of guilt. It's disgusting
This was beautifully expressed. I loved how you stated, that we do not owe anyone a relationship (especially the high-controllers/difficult individuals) and stated what we do owe ourselves. This is the first time that I have heard these stated with clarity and compassion. Your words touched the core of my being, and brought tears in my eyes. Thank you for your helping to heal my heart.
Most helpful thing I've heard. Writing it down and taking it to bathroom mirror. And maybe even on the fridge
Good tears of relief. The burden being lifted like the sun coming out after a storm. Hold that image.
I read some great stuff, those narcissist need, better traits hec im whatever, but i find honor in truth, the peace ,hec your heart will fall, the only reason it happen to me i got carried away and would not stop texting her , stuff about her dum ways, but being mad , will make you hate, i dont like being hate full
I've already watched this video every morning since it was released. After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, this is a powerful message that I needed to hear.
So pleased. Dr. C
I know I will, absolutely needed words to an injured heart and soul
The grief you feel is the price you pay for wanting to love -! Thank you ❤️
No, I disagree with you, this is not the price you pay to love a nar person. They are mentally ill, a person should not pay a price for that. This is why Dr. Carter is on the internet. This is not buying a bad car, this is human behavior at it's worse.
YOU didn't deserve to have your self respect brought into question.
I shredded that relationship and moved to Alaska. I don't know if you have what it takes, but if you want your life back you've GOT TO BE STRONG(!) and MOVE FORWARD and AWAY from that DEGRADING CRAP-itosis, and that person! Life goes on and you must "move on" with it!! You; and even your children if they're involved, will adapt and be happier without the stress. I lived in a hell that my parents created with constant screaming and fighting for years and I was left with the worst "narci" I've ever known; my mother. Still not fully healed from that. Being left with a "narci" mother messed me up for years! Loved her, but hated her. I fight against any narci traits I see in myself daily. Praying we can spot this in ourselves, before we hurt someone. Be human, not inhumane!
This is going to be the most useful content; healing from this damage is my main desire these days. 🌞
Sometimes we forget...it takes time..we must allow that to happen.
why should i care about them? they've walked all over me. it's casting pearls before swine.
Be healed in the name of Jesus,
You can do it, patience and time my friend ☺️
This will seem strange, but I hated how often my thoughts would turn to the narcissist. A piece of advice that I got was to read a book; it has worked, little by little.
In my case, it was light reading: fiction. I wish you all the best.
'He loves me unconditionally. He has accepted me completely. He had forgiven me totally. I am a whole oerson in Christ
It was already torture enough “married “to a malignant narcissist alcoholic, but now all of my adult children have his same characteristics. And they all have addiction problems.
The agony doesn’t and hasn’t gotten better for me
I’m so sorry to hear that! I’m in a bad situation myself because of TWO narcissistic exes, but I trust in God. That’s all you can do..
Exactly. I am living this same story.
@@leaf4958 I left in my RV, 3 years ago, but my kids won’t let me see or talk with my grandkids! I am sickened my sons are narcissists.
I’m so sorry for your pain
It’s harder I think to realize a child is also this way. It downright hurts. I understand.
You are loved. You are special. You are unique. You are valuable. Your thoughts and feelings matter. You matter. Always take care of and love yourself first. 🥰
Yes!
Thank you for doing these videos. I feel like I have ptsd after my experience with a narcissist.
Try some anxiety reduction medicine.
Yes. Me as well.
It's cptsd! Basically ptsd on a major scale! It's horrendous, crippling and killing. But you WILL free yourself with time and healing x
PTSD is common in this situation. I had 28 years with a narc husband. He shook me to the core each day with his impending anger storms. Rage would happen over I.e. no sugar in the sugar bowl. He would think it was done on purpose as a diabolical plot against him. That the kids or I left the sugar bowl empty to anger him on purpose. Maddening. My kids are doing well now. That’s all I care about.
I had PTSD from a 17 year marriage to a narcissist. I got EMDR therapy with an excellent female Christian counselor. My severity of symptoms, ie: panic attacks, hyperventilation when I had to be anywhere near to my ex (I had to co-parent) were greatly lessened even after one session.
Omg. I don't think I have ever heard someone specifically say that I didn't deserve those things. And I didn't know how much I needed to hear that 😌
Just this week I asked my counselor what I had done to deserve the contempt my ex-husband showed me. She assured me I'd done nothing to deserve one moment of it. And tonight I hear you say the same thing--after a decade you both have told me what my heart needed to begin to heal--I did not deserve his manipulation, his disdain, nor his emotional abuse and I do not need to give him the opportunity to give me one moment more of it--whether in his actual presence or by giving him one more inch of space in my thoughts.
Well said. I don’t want to have any more thoughts renting space in my head about him. He doesn’t deserve my love
That which I cannot forgive, I give to God.
Something's are just way too big to take on yourself. And too heavy to drag around. And too rediculous to think it's yours to carry in the first place.
It's so hard to heal the devastation. The energy and amount of input and time lost. To heal that huge amount of grief, turmoil, hurt and pain.
It takes years to put back together and to understand what happened to you.
I'm reminded. One time I was talking out to God asking why? How is it fair that we victims have to pick up all the broken peices and the perpetrators get to walk on as if nothing happened. Like a tornado leaving behind its mess.
The thought came to me... Would you want the perpetrator to touch those peices? To handle them, like they handled you?
Those pieces are precious parts of you. Why hand them another piece of you to destroy or damage further?
Pick up your chin. Pick up your pieces. Love yourself, accept yourself, understand yourself as you rebuild you.
Takes time. Effort. And work. But, you're worth it!
Good way to put it. Dr. C
Excellent. Thank you.
@@marthadawson8954
You're Welcome 💕
Healing takes time, once you get used to a normal life without a narcissist spoiling you life on a daily basis, things get better. But recognizing exactly what the problem is and getting good advice gives you a heads up advantage. Dr Carter is a huge help.
Narcissists are so dangerous. You can be traumatized for the rest of your life. My parents were both narcissits and my brother is narcissist too. Iam working every day on a better life and have been going no contact years ago. The parents died last year. My brother refused to send me the message qnd tried to take the estate and the heritage. Iam now in court with him.
Yup 💯
I am crying right now Dr. Carter. Your empathy and speaking the truth. I didn't deserve, but it is going to take a long time to trust again. I feel hopelessness and terrible grief.
Hi Sara, please know that when I say these things, it's because I truly mean it. I wish nothing but the best for you. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I believe you. I listen to you everyday. Thank you for the lifeline you give to those of us who are suffering as well as the wisdom. I need to think my way out of the darkness and tell myself the truth.
Thank you for validating us. I cannot begin to describe how few in this world do that for the victims. Most don't understand the dark triads and believe "it takes two to tango" and keep asking us what we did to "deserve the abuse".
Straight up they're doing g that to me now and they always have. I didn't so anything! Even if I had, it didn't warrant the chaos I had coming my way. Jeez. Tha k u for posting. I a need the reminder as I fall into I shouldn't have been me but how else can I be? It's an awful way to live, I am trying hard to break free.
@@notmymonkeynotmycircus Just do it, don't waste any more time. Break free. All of us would advice the same.
God taught me that I needed to feed my mind Faith, Self Love, and Positive thoughts. Each negative thought that comes up pounce down that one negative thought with three positive ones and keep on moving and appreciate the narcissist for making you a stronger individual. And Never look back!! And if they are apart of your family… then love and pray for them from Afar… ♥️
Yes....from Afar!
I am really trying......some days it is so hard........
I forgave my narcissistic mother for everything, the bullying, lies, false accusations, everything. She’s a sick, entitled individual who has never experienced the gift of gratitude or love her entire life. And then went no contact. Forever. No matter what happens I am no contact. Forever. I’m enjoying the peace.
This has been the most meaningful video I have watched on this channel. It strikes very close to a point where I think many survivors of narcissistic abuse get stuck in the process of recovery.
Yes I just came across this tonight after a few days of thinking what can be done for oneself after narcissistic abuse.
Just recently I got a new insight. My mom wondered, when I go to visit her. I have not seing her in a long time. I had no feeling to go. I gave a job that is heavy, I feel down so I had no lzst to go there and feel lower! Our meeting have always ended so that I come home crying, and recovery takes days.
Then I got a Heureka: She has totally different experiences about meetings! She ENJOYS fighting. She needs ACTION thst she creates by bulluong me. She needs to meet me to get a scapegoat into her hands - in that way, she truly feels better. My feelings are irrelevant. My feelings just are nonsense.
Yes, finally, after decades I understood what is the real point to her to meet me and missme! She simply needs trashcan so that she can pour all her dirt into it and feel lighter about herself.
The "You didn't deserve" part made me almost cry.
I was married to a narcissist, bipolar and OCD man, I have been divorced for years, but I am still in contact with him because we have children in common. After all this time I continue the struggle to overcome every encounter I have with him, every time I have to talk to him about the kids, it is as if a weight falls on my shoulders just to think about it, and I wonder, when will it end? It is exhausting at every level to deal with a person like that. For me, these years have been terrible when I realize all the damage from which I am still trying to heal. Your videos are so enlightening, and now I can see what he was doing to me and that I was not stupid, nor crazy, or weak. I was in a codependent relationship with a sick man. Thanks again.
Reading up, im shocked ive been there, absolutely the same. Been divorced for 11 years now , he still harasses me, but I am totally in control....!!! Stay safe and happy.
I just read your comment, I'm sorry. I also was married to a Nar. & a bipolar man. It was He. . . . .on earth. I'm also div. from years back, no children, now I can say to that, Thak God. He ended up facing four years prison time, after 12 theft arrests and a warrant for not showing up. He suddenly died in his 60's. Shame of his family, 4.5 years ago. I still feel the hurt, but I'm trying to finish my Bus. Degree. I will go into Computer Programming, decided just this year! Best thing I ever decided besides my div. please Lou, you are just a beautiful women, life is too short, as they say, and it is. I'm excited, looking toward to new learning in every respects, not more damage, I'am happy. Good luck, you will find a way to deal with this creep.
Being new to Dr. C and hearing this message from a year ago is so true.
The narcissist doesn’t define me!
I love hearing Max’s enthusiastic bark in the background! He’s reminding us we’re full of life to live this day forward.
Much gratitude and blessings to Dr. C and Max!
Thanks, Denice! Glad you're on board!
@@SurvivingNarcissism We love Max !
Your encouragement is so good for my soul! I lost so many people in my life because of walking away from a 27 year marriage to a narcissist, but they judged wrongly. I would rather have moments of loneliness alone rather than overwhelming loneliness in a fake marriage. Thank you for giving me, and I'm sure many others, affirmation that truly blesses
Yes, Jean, I think every day I would rather be lonely by myself than be lonely in a 40 year faux marriage.
I am experiencing 40 plus years of this abuse by h and now to deal and grieve with rejection by daughter and her family. He used our son and I as his scapegoats. I would love to send this video to them what do you think? Afraid they would turn it around on me. Fake people are the worst! My favorite phrase is when satan can’t get to you he sends a narcissist.
@@debbiesmith8544 I don't believe a narcissist has enough self awareness to connect the dots between how they abuse others and the information in videos like this. In the end it might just cause you more pain and grief. I'm so sorry to know about your children. It hurts so much, I'm sure. Take care of yourself
A narcissist is like a dictator. Do as you’re told or face their wrath. I wish I could get out. Being mentally tortured, verbally abused, watching your kids suffer the very same treatment and trying to shield them takes a toll. I don’t know how long I can do this. It has been 24 years and I am not my confident young me any longer. I’m an empty shell that may shatter at any moment.
Big hug
You will only heal if you move away and go no contact with the narcissist. My mother wasted her life living with one.
@@dawnemile4974 so glad you are able to see that and how it effected her and you and not blame her.
see someone at an abuse shelter be aware that even if you do the right thing they will not.
Imagine that you were an external person, and you were offered the choice to save one's persons life worth.
Which one would you save, Lornayuen or their narcissist?
This is sooooo good. Especially, when you mention what “we didn’t deserve.”
I'm crying on this one. So powerful and something alot of us never heard or hear. Thank you for your help and support
The hardest thing for me to deal with, with him, was that he could gaslight and be so very cruel but when the moment was over, I was expected to show him love and care and pretend he hadn't killed me with his words. And they act like they have said or done nothing wrong. I couldn't even look at him for hours. We're expected to carry on. It's so very very hard to forgive. But we have to, to claim who we are again
Recovering from a narcissistic “friend” just 2 weeks in and it’s so hollowing after breaking free from the mind games. As an empath, it’s been so hard to wake up from such toxic qualities that person embedded in me to be “normal.” I am so happy to be reminded that my dignity, respect, and stability is worthy of recovering and I live for myself. I am very grateful for these videos 🙏🏼
Could you please share some of the things that happened to you? I'm currently working through things that happened to me with a friend as well.
This one is a, “download for DAILY listening.” Thank you so much! Super helpful.
I have been tethered to a narc sister for my entire life of 67.5 years. That is a LONG time. Bound by a sense of family ‘loyalty’. Our parents are both deceased many years now - which had me tied to sister even more. Thank you, Dr. Carter. After so many decades, maybe I can finally, finally be free!
Teeswaran. Mine is a brother and I finally went no contact at 65 yrs old.
If she treats you poorly, you owe her nothing. You deserve to be happy.
My sister is also a mean-spirited narcissist. So much pain and hurt for 65 years. I've been a little puppy dog, always hoping for her love. Just to see this is some healing and freedom.
Have you watched the movie “The Labrinth”? I have watched this movie a million times and realized that Jareth is really a huge narcissist. Classic one. I think for me just understanding them has helped me just not fall into their emotional traps.
I missed that one. Dr. C
Interesting. Will have to watch it again with that mindset!
lol i watched once back in the days just for Jeniffer Connelly but never paid attention to the story/characeters plot
I always thought thre was alot more to this movie, but wasn't sure what it was. DSD did a video on Jareth playing victim. Sara calls him out, and he's like "Look what all I did for you." The ingratitude, right? Then he plays it up like the biggest victim. David Bowie played it well.
Labyrinth
Sarah ‘through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the goblin city to take back the child you have stolen’
Jareth
just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave, forever’
Sarah ‘you have no power over me’
We kind of know that it’s our fault we got into this and so that’s why it’s hard to heal. Setting boundaries and changing myself is likely my answer. I am tough on my worth and self-esteem these days! Great video!
Dr. C , I just want to thank you. I dont have the stomache to go into details about my traumatic experience with a narcissistic husband, whom i recently left, because i am feeling very obliderated (of course) ! Anyway, I've watched so many of your videos as well as countless others here on TH-cam, as well have i read hundreds of pages via google search, trying to wrap my heart and mind around the whole experience, and it has been a long, very agonizing journey, yet at the end of each day, found myself still absolutly heartbroken, crushed, and still fantasizing about the future, missing him, hoping that we will reunite.. Until yesterday. I was binge watching narc videos, mostly yours and another Dr. I like, just kinda scratching the surface of them, and while doing so, one of your stopped me in my tracks. You were talking about what I didn't deserve. The invalidations, the character assassination, etc.. and it just triggered something in me. It was the first bit of strength I suddenly felt. The first moment in a day where all of a sudden my heart didnt ache , seemingly full of only sorrow. I only listened to the video & what you were saying for maybe 30 seconds, then went immediately to compose my finest and final decree to my narcissist husband , I want to share it with you, so that you know you have helped someone, a stranger , you have given me such a gift, as well as many others im sure. You are a Godsend! Im on day two with this morsel of strength & realization I found through you, I can sum it up as , so far today, I haven't dwelled on killing myself. Seriously.
Anyhow, i hope my letter may help you in some way, to help the others as you do. Sincerely, my gratitude😭❤🙏 (letter to my narcissist husband follows below)
"I did not deserve all the invalidations given to me by you,
I did not deserve all the shaming
Or all the guilt piling.
I did not deserve the constant suspicions and accusations,
I did not deserve the gaslighting,
The blame shifting ,
The character assassination, the lonliness,
I did not deserve the unforgivingness, the animosity, the physical , mental & emotional abuse..
I DID DESERVE the love, the encouragement, the friendship, i DID deserve the kindness, the consideration, the tenderness.
SO DID YOU.
And i realize now, as i am here within looking at our life over the past two years, that while of course i am flawed, nobodys perfect, and of course theres areas in which i need to overcome, grow and change about myself & my life, that is NORMAL. EVERYONE has that because Nobody is perfect.
But im realizing that for the past two years, i have been manipulated into feeling like i am a seriously damaged human and i have been projected as, judged & accused of, and persecuted as being a person who is malicious and disingenuous, who is out only to cause damage to others.
Someone i love deeply put all this on me, and it has left me a complete wreck, i have never ever ever felt this confused and heartbroken and hopeless. To the point that i am more and more most likely going to hurt myself in a way that cannot be undone. So here i am on the edge. I dont know if im going to survive. I do not know how long its gonna take to heal or how great that feat is going to have to be. But i do know this, that i DID NOT deserve to EVER be treated that way. By you or anyone. NOBODY DOES. INCLUDING YOU.
I LOVED YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. I never tried to intentionally harm you or character assassinate you, or make you feel bad in any way. BELIEVE what you will. YOU ARE NOT MY GOD.
I know who i am and how i am. So many people love me and know me. So I REFUSE to let one person who thinks i am a terrible person , cause me to take my life.
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN YOU. And i dont care anymore what you say , think or believe about me, to anyone.
You DO NOT have any more power over me. I DO NOT need nor want revenge. I DO NOT even need justice, because there will be none. And I am okay with that.
I DO however, hope to one day , be able to forgive you wholeheartedly. If i ever can, it will be within a heart that no longer aches for the you i THOUGHT you were, within a heart that is absolutly NOT OPEN to EVER let you in again. So have i moved on? You can bet your ass i am halfway there already, because i realized all this today.
There is nothing , and i mean absolutly NOTHING you could say or do to change my mind or take this away from me. You CAN'T AND WILL NOT hurt me anymore. You might win some but you just lost one.!
If you need victory, then go ahead and believe that you have it. No need to share your thoughts or feelings with me, because i no longer care and nothing about you or memories of you have any power over me. Good riddance for sure!"
Lissa, you've clearly gone through a lot. Thanks so much for sharing your story here.
I’m just starting to admit to myself, all the things I either knew or didn’t want to know about my mother. Some place deep down, I think wanted to be wrong and hold on to a the fantasy mother I created. I didn’t have enough strength all these years to admit to myself, that my own parents bet against me from the start. That’s a tough pill to swallow. You’re words brought me a little comfort on a very difficult day, thank you!
I misunderstood the title of this video to mean how to heal after permanently getting away from the narcissist. That said, if you are under the influence of a narcissist please make a plan to exit that influence. Healing in my experience cannot take place while in the relationship, whether it be romantic, workplace, or other. You have to have separated from the narcissist before true healing can commence.
So, make a plan for team healthy. If that means divorce, quitting your job, leaving an organization you love, or otherwise walking away then so be it. And, no, suicide is not a solution. So get that out of your head.
Once you leave a narcissist you’ll find out just how much they changed you. It’s time to change back to the healthy you. And that takes a little time. But it does happen. Just like healing from a burn or injury on your physical body takes time so does recovery from an unhealthy realtionship.
I Loved hearing someone say " Some people have ten gallon hearts and others have only a cupfull" Dont take their inability to Love personally people ❤
Every day with Doctor Carter GIVES me the strength to believe in myself I don't know how to thank him enough
He's just awesome and amazing and he's helped me through this torture and pain. I listen over and over to his videos. He's so calming and so smart. God bless him.❤
“Bound by their own stupidity”. I love your word choices, Dr. C! On the mark🤣
Run while you can!
Absolutely g jo...2 of us got away, the 2 bad ones. Lolololo, that story is so you❤
Not just a narcissistic spouse. A pair of lawyers and a judge or two. I’m just praying that the damage that they caused me does not continue in the present. 😔
This video broke through my wall and tears started to flow. Thank you for the "you don't deserve" list and where to go from here. You are so insightful, Dr. C. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you know you are changing lives.
You're so welcome! Your words are very affirming. Keep growing. Dr. C
Thank you for explaining how I can deal with my grief over what I always hoped would be the love of my life and it turned out to be knowing what it felt like to be hated.
I like many of the comments too, which give one food for thought, and a feeling of camaraderie. There are so many caring commenters among the viewers. Thanks go out to all.
Definitely! Dr. C
thank you, I'm nearly 30 days free and away from my abuser, and I'm clean of the drugs he used as one of the many ways he tried to/did control me ❤️
Dear Miss K,You are beautiful,hope you are not with a narcissist....
My narcistic wife died of a chronic illness & cancer. I am now married to a warm, loving, supportive, honest woman. The best revenge is to live well. My life is wonderful. And my former wife knew it before she died.
All my best to you and your wife!!
I did grief the mother I didn't have. You can never change this people. I've healed my wounds from my past and became a better version of a mother to my kids.
He dislikes my parents my kids and gives me the silent treatment for weeks at a time. He won’t listen to me when I try to talk to him and says I bring him nothing but problems. He says life isn’t fair when I expect him to use the same rules he gives me. He ignores me physically and emotionally. He tells me one person isn’t enough for men (not sure why we got married). He’s constantly seeking other women for attention. This is year 4 and I believe I’m finally done. This wasn’t the man I thought I married.
Wow, that's terrible. Sorry to hear that. You deserve better
"Let's be honest, that person was wrong". I need to remember this! Thanks Doctor Carter!
Healing is a powerful concept. I'm on board with this!
Thank you Dr Carter, for the compassion that you have for people you don’t know. Such a powerful message and perhaps the best yet.
So, so beautiful and inspiring as I move through preparations to leave after 20 years of narcissistic abuse. So much gratitude for the help of Dr. Carter. My soul is awakening into a new and more peaceful way of being.
So pleased! Dr. C
DRC - He is correct! Many years ago the narcissist in my life wrote a letter to me after they learned I was going NC. I had changed my phone number so they could not call me. The letter was full of lies, false accusations and threats because I was "defying them" by going NC. My reply was to return the letter to them with a note attached that simply said "I do not deserve a letter like this". This person never attempted to contact me again.