How to Deal with Uncertainty - Without Self-Sabotage
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2024
- When we aren’t certain what will happen, our nervous system perceives that uncertainty as a potential threat, that we could maybe do something about. “Something bad might happen” so it kicks on an activated state, trying to spur us into some action to prevent bad things from happening. And this feels like uncomfortable anxiety sensations.
Most people don’t like uncertainty, but the people who can’t tolerate uncertainty the most are more likely to experience anxiety or depressive disorders, they’re more likely to struggle in relationships or not reach their potential in work or school.
But here’s the thing. It’s not actually the uncertainty that’s the problem, it’s our attempts to avoid uncertainty that usually interfere with our lives.
We love certainty. To such an extreme degree that we often self-sabotage instead of tolerating the uncertainty. We would rather fail than risk success because risking success comes with uncomfortable feelings.
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In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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"We would rather fail than risking success " , what a thought provoking line , now when I think about it , it makes a lot of things about myself clearer. 🌻
I would rather not try than risk failure. I KNOW that I'm going to fail so why try at all.
The more you are negative about a task. The more likely you are to fail. Besides you're not a psychic are you and it's okay to fail. Everyone fails!!! "There are 1 million throwaways for every masterpiece" you have to fail to grow.
A poem I always go to when uncertainty hits hard on my soul is from Erin Hanson:
"There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?"
This is amazing, thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for sharing! This is truly encouraging!
I am a musician & songwriter who has been procrastinating recording & releasing the music I write.
When I read this poem, it had 111 likes.
I choose to view this encouraging poem paired with the number of new beginnings as a sign telling me it is time to share my music with the world.
I am not certain in the outcome, but I choose to take this risk.
I have been investing in my songwriting & musical abilities for many years.
My music is what I have to share with the world.
💖🙌🏻❤️🔥
I hope you know how valuable this channel is.😊
you have serious universal mother energy
I literally had that though in the beginning of this" she is the mother I have ben needing to ask how to deal with my confusing self! At 41, I am grateful for finally being able to learn in the right direction for my emotional maturity. Her and so many other TH-cam parents, mentors and safety nets.. thank you for these free resources that saved me through the darkest hours of my life
"Watch less media about things that are far from you"
I feel like this is a REALLY important point these days.
What does this mean?
I feel incredibly ignorant when I ignore the news, maybe that's not rational but the guilt and shame I feel when I do is very real, it also makes me feel less intelligent
Indeed! Bad ‘news’ everywhere!
This video could be part of the anxiety course. It's the root of anxiety. I feel like I need more on this one piece. Like an entire course!
I've found curiosity to be the cure. It allows me to get rid of preconceived notions and see the truth of things instead of just thinking about things which lead to judgement, desire, and impatience. That's what sages mean when they say that they don't know anything. Act like you don't know anything and let each moment unfold itself without prosecution. How joyful.
yes!! asking questions purely from a place of curiosity instead of assuming and making accusations makes life so much easier and lighter on your spirit. there is a certain peace that comes once you realize you will never know everything and that that is okay. it’s why they say to live in the present bc truly that is all our brains are capable of handling.
Just recently lost a job through self-sabotage, overthinking. The worst thing is it has happened before many times, I don't see till it's too late, it's an in-built mechanism. It seems I'm more comfortable with failure, failure is safe, failure is predictable, failure means I never have the uncertainty of being successful.
Omg that makes sense ty❤
I'm the exact same. I had just started a new job that I was very enthusiastic about and was eager to learn. One day a supervisor told me, "You have the personality that will take you far in this job. I can see you succeeding." Rather than taking it as a compliment, I immediately went into panic mode because I thought, "I just started and I'm already going to let my supervisors down." I left the job the next day. This happened nearly two and half years ago, and I still think about it every day.
Uncertainty absolutely drives me up the wall. Interesting that this is common. Maybe instead of "does she like me or does she hate me?" I can tell myself that I will be ok regardless, even if it is the worst case and she never speaks to me again. This was a very timely video for me.
Five very simple things for me to handle uncertainty:
1.) Embrace conflict and uncomfortable situations and conversations (sounds crazy ikr - but not to be reckless).
2.) I like to sketch and draw pictures.
3.) Consume less news and social media (but this vid obviously is an exception to the rule, lol)
4.) Learn something new.
5.) Imperfections are necessary for growth and progress.
how do you embrace conflict and uncomfortable situations and conversations?
What terrifies me the most is getting what I've been looking for, only to have it taken away right afterwards.
Ooof I feel that.
This has happened to me, it was painful to heal through, but I survived! It was important for me to take a period of healing (almost a year) before I was ready to pursue my goals and take risks again. I also think it helped me build mental strength/toughness and emotional resilience that will be useful in the future.
Im 54 and have never lived a day in my life because of chronic alarm/anxiety. Watching this i now know that my refusal or inability to deal with uncertainty has stopped me from doing anything of note in my life
Me too. I’m 54 and totally relate.
Also all or nothing thinking and self disparaging beliefs, as exampled in your comment.
@@k.pacificnw02134 so very true. I have a BP issue at the moment and it has consumed me. Runaway anxiety/alarm with no nuance whatsoever. Its a form of self psychological torture
@@gregcruse4647how r u, ur life must be so terrible, I hope ur well
I hope tou find the peace to open your eyes now and LIVE you are never too far gone to rebirth and find freedom! sending love
"go out and plant the tree even if you don't watch it grow up."- Emma
This is basically my mentality. So happy to finally have words that help me explain how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.
I don't make firm decisions because I can't stand the uncertainty. This is profound. Thank you.
My father always said that if you expect the worst and the worst doesn't happen, you will not be hurt or disappointed. No wonder I struggle with negativity
You're one of my greatest discoveries on my healing journey ❤
Same
The timing of this video is wild. JUST spoke about this with my therapist
Your videos are ACTUALLY GOOD. I feel like most advice online is bad but yours are actually good! Thank you!!
Geez Emma, its like you are speaking directly to me today. I appreciate you ..... always. Thank you♥️
You always deliver such timely messages. I appreciate all the work you do to help foster a world of healthy and joyful living.
Love that, "I'm willing to feel uncertain about this situation"
I've always been a chronic over thinker thats always choosen the safe options.
Now I understand why I just can’t take action towards the goals I want to achieve. This makes so much sense now…. Thanks so much.
This is perfect, I am currently in therapy to increase my tolerance to uncertainty as it's the root of all of my anxiety, thank you for your videos :)
Great concepts. I wish the video addressed less superficial examples of uncertainty like major health uncertainties (such as possible vision loss with an eye disease) or financial losses due to uncontrollable factors. Slowing down the delivery and diving empathically into these really challenging areas would help many people.
This explains the “better the devil you know” conundrum which can keep people feeling trapped in shitty situations - the brain would rather get shocked than take an uncertain leap in another direction!
Uncertainty is programmed with the meaning collectively as it’s bad or something bad can happen so scares and shakes amygdala but that’s just a programming that it is not safe to be uncertain but it’s safe to be uncertain and experience it , it doesn’t mean something bad will happen so we don’t need to be paranoid in it’s anticipation, uncertainty can yield favourable outcomes too & it’s safe to expect that than being scared of uncertainty and living in paranoia . Thank you so much
This is a very interesting concept. When I was growing up it was drilled in at school and at home that if something went wrong it was because you hadn't thought hard enough, hadn't planned enough, hadn't considered every potentiality, hadn't prepared enough etc. There wasn't any space left for the uncertainties of life. Hopefully I can learn to leave space for uncertainty and take some pressure off of myself.
This is exactly what i needed at this point in my life. I’ve been procrastinating applying to college because i’m uncertain if i’ll be able to handle it or not. I’m 23 now and that’s the same reason I never went after high school. I regret it now but somehow still can’t bring myself to apply, even though I know what I want to do. Since I haven’t been able to make up my mind about it that anxious feeling has been bleeding into other aspects of my life. I can tell it affects my confidence as well. I know i’m capable of a lot more in life but every time I get close to a new opportunity I self sabotage. I’m going to start doing things i’m uncertain about because what’s the worst that can happen. I’ve failed before and made it out 🤷♀️. Thank you for this video! 🙂
I’m 25 and completely feel the same way. I understand all of what you’re saying. I went and started the process of college but I still been haven’t enrolled due to self doubt. I scored high on most of my placement test, so that tells me I should have started long ago. Now, I finally built up the courage to go but have to pay out of pocket! 😅 so I’m looking for job that allows me to afford life and school. This has now become the hard part. Don’t wait any longer! Go for it. It may be harder to accomplish the longer you wait. We got this! 🙏🏽
Feel the fear……do it anyway ❤ You’ve got this!
Pfft. How did you know I've been dealing with increased uncertainty? 🤨😂
bc you're a human on Earth in 2024 🤣
I have a history of starting things and not committing out of fear of failure and not knowing the results will be successful or not.
Lately, I decided to make a career change and finally took action by beginning a certificate program at a community college. My fear of failure has also made me not full commit and pursue being a writer.
The locus of control is a helpful exercise for me to remind me of what I can control.
I was supposed to cancel my upcoming trip which I have been super anxious about but you spoke to me using trip related anxiety example- it touched me and gave me so much support that I started thinking that I might be able to embrace this uncertainty of emotions 😢 you are amazing ❤
Currently reading through Brianna Wiest's The Mountain is You, in tandem with the videos on your channel after nearly a year of being entirely consumed by my anxiety and uncertainty, to the point where i could not have held down a job for more than a couple of months, and causing complications in my relationship; your youtube channel in tandem with the book have really begun to help me climb out of the whole i've dug for myself over this past year. I have been keeping a journal and writing down things i have learned from both sources. i feel like i have a real opportunity to truly live out the life i was destined to live, not the life my conditions created for myself. i would like to thank you for the work you do putting out this kind of information for free and for anyone who may not be in a position to put themselves through therapy. [:
I do the reassurance seeking and procrastinating (never thought of it as self sabotage so thanks for pointing that out). But, all the work I have been doing on myself is paying off. I'm slowly building back up, and I'm starting to feel the urge to leap. Like "what are you waiting for dude, just go". I suppose it's not that I've gained anything so much as I've gotten rid of barriers. People like you have helped me get to this point and I am eternally grateful that you are willing to share like this. ❤
I always thought that I was afraid of rejection. So I wouldn't apply myself. But the way you described uncertainty I believe now that it was this that I've been struggling against. Rejection was a small part of it.
Your Chanel has helped me enormously. I cant thank enough. Diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, now in recovery loving the process.
This is so timely! I have started on a path to follow my passion in a creative field. I am taking an 12 week online course. The facilitator has an assistant, and after about six weeks, I started having paranoiac thoughts that they were “ ganging” up on me, talking about me behind my back. Meanwhile, one of my classmates who has 20 years experience in the industry, took time to message to tell me I am “ fantastic!” How illogical is my paranoia!!I want to succeed, and talk to my inner child, letting her know I am here for her🙏🏻 Thank you for these very helpful videos!!
This is an excellent video. I recognize so much of this. It explains most of what I do and don't.
I still need to finish my thesis after almost 10 years. Next September - January I must complete it or I won't be able to finish my study. Pretty extreme avoidance due to anxiety from uncertainty.
Just what I needed. Stop the struggle to struggle😊
Reassurance seeking and avoiding risk. I feel like I have to make sure that I’m doing things the “right way”. This is mostly things that OCD is latching onto; but it spills over to other things at times.
Oh man… so true! I hadn’t realized this was at the crux of much of what I struggle with and what’s stops me. Yes, I stop myself. Also I have the anxiety and depression that seems to go with it. I do all the things you mentioned to control and avoid uncertainty. Another thing I do is “write stories” and “carastrophize” all kinds of things to keep me safe and bored 😂 thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
I alway thought happiness comes, in part, from certainty, but it comes out that it works the other way around, realising that accepting uncertainty can bring you happiness
Wow… I was a child when my grandma gave me the advise to “never expect because you’ll be disappointed” so I took it literally and just avoided friendships and left people because I knew they were going to leave me.. now I have this really good job and I’m trying to change my mindset
Wow. Busted! Everything u said, I have done. It was comforting hearing I m not alone. Thank u.
Haha for some reason I find this comment so wholesome. I am also busted with this habits!
Thank You. You have been a big part of my healing journey. I feel like you are a friend who I'm having coffee with that always gives encouragement and the best advice.
Thank you! Of course on some level I knew other people had difficulties with uncertainty. But somehow I always felt it was just me... Now I know better.
You’re wonderful, thanks for the new perspective!
This is the best explanation I've ever heard. Thank you
Never been good at dealing with uncertainty. I like to be in control and everything to be perfect. This past year almost every aspect of my life changed (marriage, parenting, work, friends, finances) and all these aspects are still uncertain and unpredictable . Life forcing you to learn to deal with uncertainty. Thank you for the video, it's really helpful.
Stil not working
I was adopted when I was 5. For the first time I did something huge on my own: I flew all the way to France after learning the language. And I met a man that made me feel extremely loved. But I got scared and blocked him and could never find him again. 🥴🥴🥴
Thank you so much for these videos. They've been a huge help through some of my biggest struggles.
I have used “making room for uncertainty” three times to stop my negative spiraling thoughts about events/relationships three times since watching the video and reflected on it in my interactive journal with my therapist. She was impressed with my work and of course I credited you! Thanks so much!❤
Oh and it is hilarious that the same day I watched this, right before o told my therapist I need a shock collar for my negative self thoughts!
Just what I needed. Have been struggling with this for a long time and have been looking for guidance. Thank you Emma!!
Insightful discussion! Embrace the uncertainty as a natural part of our life and decision-making can enhance our resilience and open up an opportunities for our growth and success. 🧠
This is so eye opening for me. I needed this and right at this moment in time❤ thank you for explaining things so well. You really love your job and are so inspiring.
Don't just take action. Take some dang action! Love it. Thanks, Emma ❤
Everything you explained makes so much sense. There r a lot of wisdom and truth in living our lives. Thank you so much. You r really a blessing to me.
Love your passion of teaching. Thank you for this video. It’s 3:00 am and perfect timing to help settle me .
@67 i’ve learned something about myself here today now I can move forward with something i’ve been putting off for years thank you 😊
Thank-you again for making these videos. You've helped me quite a bit over the past couple yrs, as I'm sure many, many others.
it must be fate that I saw this today. exactly my problem , and it is killing me. thank you. I am going to watch this several times and really take it in. but I think it may help me overcome my current state. a new direction. so well put. thank you so much.x
This spoke to my soul. Thank you!!
LOVE LOVE THIS! THANK YOU SO MUCH! 🥺❤️
I get this. I have had Menierre's for 34 years. My nervous system is always on high alert. I wake up every day and ask myself if I can do this dizzy yet again today, never certain of how bad it will be; mild, moderate or severe dizziness. I have listened to many of your videos and the strategies you teach have helped me greatly.
I appreciate your voice so much
Gratitude and thank you for all that you do💫
God bless you, Emma. You save lives and sanities with your channel.
Another insightful video. Thank you so much!
Thank you for the update! I know I needed that. Because of my uncertainty with examinations and failing many times, I have lost confidence and just half-assed my attempts, maybe it's the shame I feel whenever I see my family try to show support and I cannot reciprocate it with a passing result and it just builds up my anxiety that I just stop trying altogether..
It's okay buddy, reciprocation doesn't mean giving results, it can also be taken as giving your best efforts regardless of the uncertainty and showing up everyday even if you fail to do so in some days, get up and start moving again!
This really hit home today. Thank you
You are awesome at explaining things and also telling how to deal with them.
Emma, this is one of the best + most helpful you've ever made!
Thank you so much for your videos. They have really saved me. Thank you, thank you! 🙏🏾
Glad to know wanting certainty is wired into us. good to be reminded to focus on what is within reach.
This is something that I struggle with. Acceptance is definitely part of the solution. I also learned to lean into that zone of not caring anymore. I think of Vegeta (Dragon Ball Z) when he was training to be a Super Saiyan and that's the mindset that pulls me through.
Thanks alot , your videos and talk always support me and help me to think in clear way and eventually feel better❤❤❤
Thank you for this. I've been dealing with the uncertainty of an upcoming operation and I can see so many patterns in my thoughts now that are controlled by trying to avoid uncertainty.
I am going through the exact same thing! I am resisting, over checking, worrying, delaying, hesitating, expecting the worst. good luck to you for your operation. I am now going to rethink seriously and try to be WILLING to take the risk. I owe it to myself.x
Good for you and us thst you decided to make this video.
It's like you were describing my husband and I in the examples.
We have contrasting aporoches to uncertainty.
Thank you for this video ❤
Just found your channel. Really good!! Thank you for making & sharing these crucial life skills. Dabbled in learning/reading various topics over my mature lifetime. You present very well, clear explanations with a great calming tone. Will be sharing with family, & look into your course. Brilliant
Really helpful and perfectly timed. Thank you for taking the risk of making and publishing this video. 🙂 Your practical tips are especially appreciated!
I am paralyzed with anxiety over uncertainty after not making a job I was extremely qualified for. Thank you for this video, it helps a lot looking at things from a different perspective.
This is very pertinent to my situation, right now. Thank you.
Needed that - solid chat
Thank you
Boy, this is my big one. I’m very keen to master this.
As a recent college grad, I have to say that you couldn't have released this video at a better time!
I have good days and bad days, and the bad is all about worries & uncertainty. This is good advice, and you used an upcoming trip as an example, which I’ll be leaving on a trip in 2 weeks. My trips I usually look forward to, seeing family, but this trip, will also have something stressful I need to deal with, causing me too much anxiety. I’ve shortened the duration, thinking that would help, but it didn’t. So, I can cancel, but won’t be seeing my family. 😕 Instead, I’ve decided to take it a day at a time, and if I don’t handle what I need to do, I’m going to try not to worry about it. If it does get done, that would be wonderful. I do need to start accepting that life is unpredictable, and most things I can handle, even though most of the time, I think I can’t. Thanks, again, for all of your awesome advice ! ☺️☺️
thank you, emma!
Thank you so much ❤
Reassurance seeking and procrastination for sure. Risk mitigation
Exactly what I really needed Thank you I just feel my control of uncertainty just makes it even worse I really have control problem that kind cks in with uncertainty.Thank you
Really well done thank you
This is a really good video. Thank you!
Thank you! I am saving this magnificent video to remind me and to listen to many times until I have made it a daily practice ❤🙏
me too! I have written a lot of it down in a notebook. I can read it again and again.
So helpful thanks for the tips
Very well presented, thank you😊
Thank you
thank you for the educational video, i am going to try this out👍🏼
Thanks!
Really appreciate your videos! Wanted to suggest videos giving guidance to parents of kids with anxiety.
lady this is amazing. thank you
Thank you❣️ I tend to micromanage and order the same foods at a restaurant. Very helpful perspective 🤗
The media tip is good, I call it “content dieting” - being mindful about the type of media I’m consuming and how it might affect my mental state