@@TheUnkindness avoidant people do care. They’re just disconnected from themselves. They don’t know how to be tapped into their feelings. They struggle just as much as we do. Accepting this shifts the focus from the hurt they caused towards peace within, because it tells our brain that we weren’t rejected because we’re unloveable, but because they can’t show up due to their own struggles.
@@LordJayAndrew No, they just go onto the internet to label anyone with a negative view of avoidants as anxious and excuse their behaviors and to tell others not to feel the way they do because they were neglected in childhood...while forgetting to mention they are likely to go on and neglect their own families...
Interesting perspective. While I agree no one is bad(anxious or avoidant) and people are just reacting out of triggers. I do feel like the solution is to fix yourself and find a secure partner. The % of individuals that are are willing to do this work is minuscule, particularly an avoidant who would avoid any emotional discomfort like the plague. Secure people are not attracted to any unhealthy type of person. It would be an immediate turn off. So if you’re still attracted to avoidant people then the solution is not to try make it work by walking on eggshells around their reactive behaviour. But to rather revaluate whether you are in fact as healed as you think. Staying with a toxic partner whether anxious or avoidant who is unable to see how their behaviour is a problem/them not wanting to AND doing the actual work will destroy any work you do on yourself. A healing anxious/avoidant can easily slip back if in an environment that is not good for them where their needs are not met or understood by their(secure) partner. Healing is learning that chemistry with someone does not equate compatibility and sometimes those “butterflies” are is fact just anxiety flaring up. Heal yourself( this is a continuous journey) and find someone who is able to support you on that journey and not trigger you into taking 10 steps back. As an anxious preoccupied with avoidant tendencies myself, I have learnt from experience, therapy and through studies that it is not my job to “fix” people or walk on eggshells to not trigger them because they are not doing the work. Like you said we are responsible for ourselves. Just as avoidants are for themselves. Yes everyone deserves love, but it is an individuals choice on how they treat that love and whether they lose it. A healed secure person will realize that they want a secure healthy relationship where they don’t need to fix or eggshell. We have one life and our purpose is not to be rehab centers for broken people who cannot or will not accept their behaviour and change. I understand your soft approach to a partner who is avoidant but it sounds a little like taking on all the blame and leaving the avoidant with none. I have been in a relationship with an extreme avoidant and spent the whole time avoiding triggering them, externally controlling any reaction from my side and trying to create a safe space for them to heal. Internally this just created extreme insecurity and anxiety for myself. It is not worth it. Long story short. Get your shit together and then find and cultivate a relationship with someone who has done the same ☺️. Most of this is my personal subjective opinion but I am also an HPCSA registered psychology professional with a special interest in social and relational psychology. Very cool video though J. And a lot of great points 🌸.
They will strand you along forever,and than leave you and maybe start obsessing about someone else from their past… and than start obsessing about you again after some time and want you back. I feel for them ,but who has time,nerves and time to wait until they heal.
Typically yes... But how this impacts us is in our control. Thanks for commenting @novel5027. I know when I was deeply struggling with my own attachment style, I found comfort in reading the comments of the videos I was watching. It's helpful to know one's difficult experience is shared by so many. Legend!
@@coffeepot3123 I am a daughter of one. Watching my mom not getting love she deserves., and than he left her when she needed him. They can’t deal with big emotions and your needs. Why would you pick that person for a husband? You”ll probably end up sleeping in separate rooms,and any normal need you have as a partner will be put off until you learn not to ask for anything,as they can’t handle it. They avoid conflict at any cost and nothing gets resolved. Maybe they can heal with long therapy , but Why would you do that to yourself is the question.
@@novel5027my gosh I’m so sorry your mum went through that and you had to witness that all. I left mine because of the same reasons, thankfully I didn’t marry him in the end! ❤
I think the perception of avoidants is just that most of the world isn’t an avoidant and their attachment tendencies seem completely alien to anxious and secures. Secures and anxious want the same things from relationships (albeit anxious take that too far), but avoidants fundamentally do NOT want the same things from a relationship: don’t want intimacy, closeness, reciprocation, mutuality, communication to work through disagreements. It is pretty mystifying that avoidants don’t have greater success with other avoidants.
Avoidants are the worst. Much worse than what most people say.
I don’t know. I don’t see them going on the i internet calling other people the worst, the way I see none-avoidant people do.
@@LordJayAndrew that's only because they never cared enough in the first place.
@@TheUnkindness avoidant people do care. They’re just disconnected from themselves. They don’t know how to be tapped into their feelings. They struggle just as much as we do. Accepting this shifts the focus from the hurt they caused towards peace within, because it tells our brain that we weren’t rejected because we’re unloveable, but because they can’t show up due to their own struggles.
@@LordJayAndrew No, they just go onto the internet to label anyone with a negative view of avoidants as anxious and excuse their behaviors and to tell others not to feel the way they do because they were neglected in childhood...while forgetting to mention they are likely to go on and neglect their own families...
I appreciate you for addressing this issue 🙏
@@teraedwards7835 let’s keep defending the DA . They don’t get enough support on the internet! 🤍🤍🤍
Interesting perspective. While I agree no one is bad(anxious or avoidant) and people are just reacting out of triggers. I do feel like the solution is to fix yourself and find a secure partner. The % of individuals that are are willing to do this work is minuscule, particularly an avoidant who would avoid any emotional discomfort like the plague. Secure people are not attracted to any unhealthy type of person. It would be an immediate turn off. So if you’re still attracted to avoidant people then the solution is not to try make it work by walking on eggshells around their reactive behaviour. But to rather revaluate whether you are in fact as healed as you think. Staying with a toxic partner whether anxious or avoidant who is unable to see how their behaviour is a problem/them not wanting to AND doing the actual work will destroy any work you do on yourself. A healing anxious/avoidant can easily slip back if in an environment that is not good for them where their needs are not met or understood by their(secure) partner. Healing is learning that chemistry with someone does not equate compatibility and sometimes those “butterflies” are is fact just anxiety flaring up. Heal yourself( this is a continuous journey) and find someone who is able to support you on that journey and not trigger you into taking 10 steps back. As an anxious preoccupied with avoidant tendencies myself, I have learnt from experience, therapy and through studies that it is not my job to “fix” people or walk on eggshells to not trigger them because they are not doing the work. Like you said we are responsible for ourselves. Just as avoidants are for themselves. Yes everyone deserves love, but it is an individuals choice on how they treat that love and whether they lose it. A healed secure person will realize that they want a secure healthy relationship where they don’t need to fix or eggshell. We have one life and our purpose is not to be rehab centers for broken people who cannot or will not accept their behaviour and change. I understand your soft approach to a partner who is avoidant but it sounds a little like taking on all the blame and leaving the avoidant with none. I have been in a relationship with an extreme avoidant and spent the whole time avoiding triggering them, externally controlling any reaction from my side and trying to create a safe space for them to heal. Internally this just created extreme insecurity and anxiety for myself. It is not worth it. Long story short. Get your shit together and then find and cultivate a relationship with someone who has done the same ☺️. Most of this is my personal subjective opinion but I am also an HPCSA registered psychology professional with a special interest in social and relational psychology. Very cool video though J. And a lot of great points 🌸.
@@tanyamyburgh4519 greats points! Love it.
They will strand you along forever,and than leave you and maybe start obsessing about someone else from their past… and than start obsessing about you again after some time and want you back.
I feel for them ,but who has time,nerves and time to wait until they heal.
Typically yes... But how this impacts us is in our control.
Thanks for commenting @novel5027. I know when I was deeply struggling with my own attachment style, I found comfort in reading the comments of the videos I was watching. It's helpful to know one's difficult experience is shared by so many. Legend!
But when it's your perro husbando suddenly the patience is there!..
Sigh, women... ☕* *porcelain cling.. sip* * ..
@@coffeepot3123 I am a daughter of one. Watching my mom not getting love she deserves., and than he left her when she needed him. They can’t deal with big emotions and your needs. Why would you pick that person for a husband? You”ll probably end up sleeping in separate rooms,and any normal need you have as a partner will be put off until you learn not to ask for anything,as they can’t handle it. They avoid conflict at any cost and nothing gets resolved. Maybe they can heal with long therapy , but Why would you do that to yourself is the question.
@@novel5027 🤍🤍
@@novel5027my gosh I’m so sorry your mum went through that and you had to witness that all. I left mine because of the same reasons, thankfully I didn’t marry him in the end! ❤
This hit so hard... Big eye opening moments. I like the way you think very very interesting.
@@georgiajones3668 glad this was helpful, and thank you for leaving a comment
I needed this
🤍🤍🤍
I think the perception of avoidants is just that most of the world isn’t an avoidant and their attachment tendencies seem completely alien to anxious and secures. Secures and anxious want the same things from relationships (albeit anxious take that too far), but avoidants fundamentally do NOT want the same things from a relationship: don’t want intimacy, closeness, reciprocation, mutuality, communication to work through disagreements. It is pretty mystifying that avoidants don’t have greater success with other avoidants.
@@rapthemusical very good points!!!!
All good points, id say if the avoidant is interested in healing their own stuff its worth a try.
@@n.tizzle323 absolutely!
Yes me too I am anxious healing ❤️🩹 i feel I was copying the avoidance pattern
@@SandraSoll most of us don’t realise we’re avoidant. I’m glad you found this helpful. Are you doing alright?