These Factors Predict Divorce With 80% Accuracy
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 มิ.ย. 2024
- Chis and Sadia Khan discuss the key factors that predict divorce. Which single factor predicts divorce with 80% accuracy according to Sadia Khan? What has helped accelerate the divorce rate over the past 50 years? What does Sadia Khan recommend couples do in order to prevent divorce?
#dating #marriage #divorce
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So many people seem to be in deep and loving relationship with their own avatar...
It is of much concern. My feeling is that so many are missing out. Told they each are and need to be superstars.
They are not developing forward and learning of themselves and hence, others.
They are moving side ways.
The droned, poker-face is their new facial expression and body language.
Its not that people don't respond to you empathically due to distraction.
Its that they live in a pseudo-parallel world with the ideal version of themselves.
I could not speak most of the languages I was confronted with growing up in various parts of the world in the 70s.
Had to rely on interpreting facial expressions and body language. In particular the subtle tones. That is 99% of our actual communication.
Today's facial expressions and body language have gone dark or simple as more and more find synthetic enlightenment behind their screens.
Why are you giving this charlatan a platform? She deleted her instagram, but the things she said about depression in men, absolutely disgusting and unscientific
More than 70% marriages will end in divorce among younger 2 generations which destroys the lives of children. All other excuses, callousness and justifications and deflection from this reality is moot. Be very careful if you are truly suited for marriage or pregnancy/parenthood as nowadays it is very rare for it to last and in a good way. Staying single isnt bad or make you less than someone else.
😅😅@@Ryy22
Back in 1994, one of the things that struck me about the girl I asked to marry me was that she was a thankful person, even for small kindnesses. That has always been endearing. I have never regretted my marriage.
In contrast, being married to a woman who takes your kindness and support for granted, as her due, destroys love sooner or later.
@@chipsterb4946 Yep, that's what happened to my parents. I wrote a song about my mother, "Hell is the Place."
Well good for you. Too bad most can’t have that now. 😒
Mashallah ❤
1994 was a great time.
And social media tells everyone to be more self-centred it's not surprising that divorcees are through the roof.
So we shall all racemix now? so only brown people with brown hair and brown eyes will be left?
They are high but they have been trending down for decades
@@HappinessDIY overall in the west its increasing but specifically in the US it's decreasing.
@@HAZMOLZ ahh! Important distinction. Thanks for the clarification. I had no idea. I thought it was odd that Chris could be mistaken so I did a quick google check to be sure. Thanks!
@@HAZMOLZ can we assume some specific factor for the US which decreases the rate? I am quite surprised as well
I remember watching a video where someone ask an elderly couple what their secret to having a long lasting relationship was, and they said "being kind, always treat eachother with respect"
Bullshit. If it was all about just being kind a woman wouldn’t moan to a man that is doing his best.
The key to this is “EACH OTHER”
And love!
100% And as an adult child of two parents who showed respect for one another, I expected nothing less from my partner when i grew up. Married nearly 30 years now and I hope we have passed on that example of respect to our children. To me, personally, it is the foundation of a good marriage.
Then try it once in a blue moon 304
Summary:
- When partners do not care for each other's emotional needs, the relationship will inevitably fall apart.
- The world we live in provides so many options that we see one individual option as expendable, including people.
- We are often taught to put our own happiness first and to find happiness entirely on our own.
- All these factors lead to people putting up walls to protect themselves which means a connection can't be made.
Possible solutions:
- Show someone that you like how you truly feel, don't buy into the bs that you need to "play hard-to-get," just be straightforward and move on accordingly (in other words, if they don't feel the same way then you should just accept that and move on)
- Sexual attraction fades, but values don't. Find someone who you are compatible with, not just someone you wanna smash
- Recognize the importance of caring for others emotions and needs. Be a little more selfless rather than selfish. Spend more time building bridges instead of building walls.
"Love fades."
No, it doesn't. The emotional response to attraction (aka crushing) fades. Love is not an emotion. Love is not action. Love is its own thing entirely, which can (and should) drive both emotion and action.
“Love fades, but values don't. Find someone who you are compatible with, not”
Uh…there’s more to love than just wanting to smash someone. You’re talking about lust.
"When partners do not care for each other's emotional needs" there is no relationship. People who do not care for each other are not in a relationship. Divorce happens when they realize it.
Just all read like common sense to me. And we need a study to discover this? Lol
If a man tells a girl how much he likes her, she will reject him. It’s from psychological evolution. He’ll seem desperate and less value to her. “Hard to get” isn’t a game… it’s an unfortunate requirement
The explosion in narcissism might be a factor in this. The sense of superiority, the sense of demand, the sense of entitlement over the other.
Any data to back up what you say?
I think they’re just referring to social media use and the behavior modeling on display from prominent influencers. Not sure there needs to be a citation of data to discuss that. Narcissism seems to have taken a more visible role in displays of public life. But that’s just an overall impression. I don’t have hard data or statistics to support it.
@@teddybearroosevelt1847literally any social media account
@@stevescruby1343There’s no evidence to really support that. What’s happening is that western culture, as it always has, creates individuals with vulnerable narcissist traits. Therefore, most people hunger for control and a feeling of accomplishment and fame; competing with the few toxic good looking and sociable individuals at the top of the proverbial “food chain”. It’s why you have so much content online “teaching” you how to “humble” others or “crush their ego”, and the general fantastical intrigue and clamouring over those who suffer from antisocial personality disorder. Packaged in mellifluous terms like “sigma male” or “alpha male”, top g, boss babe, girl boss etc.
i think people just need to accept that marriage and longterm relationships were never for everybody. The divorce rate didn’t rise now. It rose in the 70’s and peaked in the 80’s. Most marriages are not great. Most relationships are not great. It’s always been that way.
I think this lady is validating compassion and empathy which is admirable.
Yes she was.
@@stevenp8222 That's rich coming from you? Are you illiterate?
It’s so true. My ex used to make me feel invisible. It’s funny how I no longer feel invisible even though I’m single now
One of the things that you could do to save marriage is to stop using social media and pay attention and care to your spouse.
me and my wife don't use social media and we are very happy
You guys realize TH-cam is a social media platform right?
@@zsolttildy5742😎 must be a shocker.
@jacobgilbert8070 Haven't had social media since 2016. Have no plans on getting married, but if I do, I doubt she'll use social media either...Which I find very unlikely finding someone like this in this fucked, modern world.
My boyfriends a drug dealer lol he’s constantly on his phone and tbh it might be a deal breaker, idk if I want that personally but other than that he’s such a great man
I've been together with my husband for 30 years. Everything she said is true.
'' They say they can't remember the last time a woman told them he looks great"
Me remembering that one random woman that complimented me in Albert (supermarket) 7 years ago. 😍
Thus proving the quote wrong, but not really
You go on, King! The ladies, they luv ya!
Yep. Women want compliments all the time, but I can't remember any meaningful compliment I had in my 6 past relationships lol, including a 5 year long one.
In fact recently the only compliments I've been getting is from other guys.
I read Gottmans book when it came out. He also found a 5:1 ratio in happy marriages. There are 5 happy things happen for every 1 bad thing. That's what happily married people mean when they say marriage is work.
It also doesn't mean its "work" because you (as a person) actively have to go out of your way to give positive affirmation constantly like she says you do. she is slightly wrong on her interpretation of the data. Arguing and conflict is the top 3 reasons for break ups on most relationship studies -- also intimate relationships are the most contentious relationships a person can have. They are more aggressive than relationships with friends, co-workers or family -- there is large data on this. So in a healthy relationships its about, NOT creating arguments, expectations, contention, complains, name-calling, aggression AND ETC. Problems should be low to zero. If problems are low to zero hitting a 5:1 positive ratio is EASY !! If contention and aggression is high hitting 5 to 1 is impossible. It's not about being super or highly affirming like she said -- it's about being less argumentative and less contentious.
@@mr.rembrandt that's a quality comment
@@mr.rembrandtThis is good analysis. I watched this whole interview and it baffled me how often her conclusions from the data were skewed, such as what you just explained here.
This is why I'm very careful about what I choose to fight with my wife about. Also, women cannot handle the truth of things. Almost every disagreement you have with a woman causes irreparable harm to your relationship because theyre so delicate.
I thought it was if the ratio is worse than 7:1 then it's going to end in divorce
It's not just about private relationships, just this Monday I ended a contract with a business client. He simply didn't listen what I was talking again and again and again. I got tired of being ignored and my expertise was not validated.
Understanding marriage is not about love but common commitments and needs with a compatible partner who you can love in good and bad.
Most people get married now because of feelings only, which always fade eventually. Then they discover that their once intense passion (lust) is no longer there, and they don't have enough else to sustain the relationship. Feelings are important, but they should never be the only thing driving a couple to marriage.
They can't understand or accept that there will be bad/rough times. It's not always fun and good times. The moment trouble and rough patches come up, they quit.
Been with my wife for 26 years, we've been through hell and back. At the lowest points, neither of us ever stopped fighting for the other and our marriage.
We've watched friends and family members who project the "perfect" marriages, fall apart the second any level of problems arrived.
But we've always been open and had the tough conversations, the ones that are uncomfortable. We air it out, maybe get mad at each other but then quickly remember the bigger picture.
@@retropyro there is so much of dependency. Unless couples are compatible no amount of communication will be understood. It is nature. If your wife or yourself cannot take time or understand each other it won’t work. It is like a puzzle piece. Data does not lie
For me love would be the only reason to marry, I don't need help or financial support in my life.
You sound like an athiest
Interesting point about seeking opportunities to praise your partner. I realized I did this a lot with my husband from the beginning of our relationship because I just want him to know I appreciate him. My parents had a very stormy marriage for years until they finally started seeking help for it, and I've in many ways tried to do the reverse of what I saw growing up. So unlike my mom, I never speak poorly of my husband even to my friends (if I ever truly needed advice in a difficult situation, I would ask someone I trusted, but that's very different from just whinging about a small annoyance) and unlike my dad, I rarely criticize and instead look for things to praise. My husband more than holds up his end in our marriage as well, and we have a very safe peaceful relationship. It really is the little things.
Well said. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I have made breakfast for him almost every morning for those 9 years - nothing to do with traditional gender roles, just that I'm a morning person and jump out of bed at 6, where he's not a morning person at all, so I see it as just a little thing I can do and want to do to make his mornings better. Even so, he thanks me for it every single morning. And likewise, I try to do the same for things he does for me. It's more fun for me, though, because I'm often trying to seek out things that he's done that he wouldn't have any reason to think I noticed and wouldn't expect to be thanked for. It's almost a bit of a game now to me lol.
What sucks is when you give your partner praise and you get radio silence back
That’s not a partner then 💡
@@jeltoninc.8542 🎯
God bless you. Keep up the good work. 🗽🇺🇸
My strategy for a successful marriage is a) I consider my wife and me inseparable family; b) I treat her with the same kindness I would want for my mother, sister, or daughter from their husbands; and c) I expect and encourage her to show me the same respect. It's a two way street, we'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary this September.
It's both scary and disappointing how many of the problems in the world today can be traced back to social media.
Nah social media is an easy cop out. People just have higher expectations from each other, and have less empathy. More people with autism
The divorce epidemic happened in the 70’s and 80’s though, didn‘ t it?
@@CatharticCreationit started in the 70s that’s why shows like Brady bunch started coming out
Participation is your fault !
…not social media.😑
YES
I've been with my wife 20 years. We're in our 40s and we have twin 13 year old daughters. About 5 years into our relationship my wife had started putting on some weight and she was so ashamed because she wanted to be "perfect" for me. She was afraid I would be mad and not be physcially attracted to her so she would blame me for gaining weight. I "stressed her out" so she "had to eat"; these sorts of accusations. It took ANOTHER 5 years of me "reinforcing" my love for her and attraction to her that she was able to start addressing the issue in a healthy way. We had massive fights because I would get pissed that she was blaming me for her actions, when she was the only one who was bothered by her weight gain. Now, she and our daughters go to the gym and swim every day and she's down about 75lbs from her maxumim. She wants to lose another 15lbs and I'm going to get her a tummy tuck to help with the excess skin.
That's what marriage is. I deal with her crazy. She deals with my crazy. We both know that no matter how bad things may get, divorce is ALWAYS a worse option. Also, we both have a lot in common and we genuinely like each other. All you need is love is dumb, hippie, bullshit. You need LIKE. If you don't like the person you marry, you're fucked.
Glad you guys worked it out, kudos to you for sticking through a very stressful time. Hope your marriage is long and joyful.
I have to share with you what my dad used to say when he was alive. He and my mom were married for 56 years, with 9 of us kids. He said, "the key to marriage is ENDURANCE". He was really funny and every anniversary he would bring my mom a card and flowers, and if it was their 46th anniversary, he would say, "it only feels like 42" 😂.
I admire the way you put up with and supported your wife ❤. You sound like a good, wise man.
Pretty much for the man to file for divorce she messed up bad. Ladies keep yourself for your man and don’t put him down to family friends or in public and you’ll have him for life. Anything you do to deserve the street, you deserve
Sounds like YOU put up with HER so that you can get SOME 🤷🏼
What is wrong with people? This man shared a story about a real-life marriage with real-life problems, how he and his wife worked through them, and people are dragging him for it. Sounds like YOU people have problems with cheating and insecurity. This man is just telling it like it is and you can handle that - it always has to be something sinister.
Wow, this woman knows her stuff- she doesn't hesitate to answer his very specific questions. ✨👍👏
Jordan Petterson said something to the effect The wife's needs, the husband's needs, and the kid's needs all come second to that of taking care of the relationship.
Because without the relationship all the other needs will fall apart.
Got a link ? I’d be surprised to hear Peterson say such
@@GuitarWithBrett Don't remember the source video, but can second that Peterson said it.
@@synchronium24 ah, i'd like to see it if possible
I remember him saying this. Such great advice!
He did say that, but he also said to be a dragon. To be a dragon you can't have distractions. Wanting a relationship was second after becoming a dragon as a relationship, family will become a distraction.
I loved the segment about training your partner to love you the way you want to be loved. So many people, myself included, are always worried about being too needy or too distant and expressing off-putting signals to the point where we don't teach our partners how to satisfy us emotionally. If you are a needy person, be needy, and find someone who can handle your level of neediness. Don't suppress your need for the sake of keeping them around, because they will never learnto satisfy you then.
What about, I dunno, working on the reason why you’re so needy..? Codependency doesn’t always end well either.
Which ep was this? I wan to have a listen!
@@markislivingdeliberatelythere's nothing wrong with "being needy" or "jealous" or "controlling" probably some of most shallow bullshit buzzwords in modern relationships.
The point of marriage is to bond together as one soul before God. You can interpret that in non-religious ways too and i agree with it.
I want to share every moment of life with my woman, to be eachother's only one, to be completely devoted to eachother.
Sounds to me like you don't know what you want if you're telling people looking for a life long partner to stop being needy. We should spend our entire lives hiding our true feelings so we can play some child's game of push pull instead of forming that perfect open bond ?
Maybe you're the one who doesn't belong in a long term committed relationship if you think being vulnerable abd satisfying her emotional needs is too much.
@@chumbucket6184 - Then again, one couple's "completely devoted to each other" is another couple's "over-dependence and clinginess". Easy to criticize another stranger and their way of relating on YT. Not saying you don't have valid points, but can't say I agree with your overall sentiment which comes off as one-size-fits-all and a bit narcissistic.
@@machtnichtsseimann and that's fine, everybody sets their own pace, but nowadays it's just something jaded people that play games say, people that are afraid of being vulnerable in order to create that open line of communication, people that are too selfish to emotionally satisfy the other, or just straight up narcissists
Bottom line, if there isn't mutual empathy and mutual respect there, the relationship and marriage will be a failure.
It's not something you find, it's something you practice. Even people who pathologically do not have empathy (like myself, arguably) can practice the action of empathy and respect without being simply prompted by some innate nature that rarely actually exists.
06:20 is SOOO true. Any validation or complementation for something I do makes me feel so good because it is rarely said!
This is correct. My husband brought this up to me several times, I would try but it wouldn’t last and he would be frustrated w/this cycle. Thankfully we talk every night and are open to each others needs and think of our relationship as a singular symbiotic unit and responsive to each others needs. It took a long time to breakdown the walls that create an adversarial approach to each other that bad previous bad relationships taught us and our toxic feminist culture weighs us down with and prevents true loving intimacy and vulnerability between each other. Gratefully, I found a doc who understood and responded to my concern that I couldn’t keep up with my husbands sexual desires and would lose him. This doc tested both my thyroid and testosterone levels. Turns out my test was at the level of a post menopausal woman when I was in my late 30’s. Now I’m on pellets, at a level appropriate for a woman, and there is color back to my life. I sleep so much better. I’m focused and motivated especially in regards to my physical health/weightlifting which translates to our sexual aspect of our relationship. It is paramount that one eliminate medical issues AND tackle the FALSE personal and cultural ideologies that hold us back and destroy our most important and vital relationship, marriage.
@@kc6810 I don't know for women, but I know that most men after 50 should be taking testosterone to match the natural decline as they grow old.
@@kc6810she said in the comment that it's a level appropriate for women. Women naturally have testosterone, it is typically said it gives them libido. For reference, men have about 20x the amount of testosterone.
@@kc6810 There are risks that come with taking testosterone, but there are also risks of having low testosterone.
You get to pick your poison.
You're not going to find any conclusive evidence on which is better since the science is still not settled around it.
@kc6810 Is it safe? Nothing is 100% safe but prescribed levels of TRT (~150 ml per week) is pretty darn safe, it's basically putting you back at natuatal levels in your late 20's.
I do find it funny that more and more women are jumping on gear and steroids these days after feminism bashed testosterone as toxic for decades.
You just described my former marriage! I knew it was over when I finally said, “He’s not my friend!” To the therapist after ten years of being with him. Those words shocked both of us because he couldn’t believe I didn’t see him as a friend. I said, “A friend will care about my emotions; a friend won’t betray my trust by cheating & lying; a friend won’t insult me all the time; a friend will support me through tough time!”
The biggest indicator of divorce or break up is if partners belittle each other behind the other’s back.
The couples that make it long term are invested in each other and feel it’s them vs the world together. They defend each other when the other isn’t around.
100%. I never understood someone WANTING to embarrass or expose their spouse, even if they did do something dumb or wrong. I want everyone to think I married the best woman on the planet. Love covers a multitude of sins. None of us are going to be perfect. We ALL need grace.
Right on
Just broke up with a girl I liked (but was only dating 3-4 months) because of this. Kept telling me her friend, sister, etc. said this and that about something I said or did.
I said "you're basically complaining about me to everyone who will listen. That's not a team. This isn't going to work."
or you could be like my parents who don’t love or even like each other but stay together for financial reasons
@@CatharticCreationso you want society to collapse just because your parents gave you a bad example... Stop preaching that nonsense...
It’s refreshing to hear HELPFUL, good advice!!! This helps so many people, it’s just about healthy communication and not operating out of selfishness.
This is great dialogue. Really puts modern interpersonal relationships in perspective. I hope we all grow more aware of how detached from others we really are.
Her presentation is VERY accurate. Good information that can be applied to marriages, as well as all of your relationships. PUT THE PHONE DOWN. Yes, I realize the irony that I am typing this with my phone, but at this moment, I am alone.
Communication and honesty are the most important aspects in a relationship. I said this to my ex-wife while we were dating early on and it is not something that everyone understands. There will come a time when you need to have a conversation about an issue and it will be uncomfortable, but it is so much better than just trying to ignore it.
Lol. Like what? Like “what do you mean you kinda sorta blew him!!”
@@RM-jb2bvcomment of the day
My wife and I got married in our early 20s and just had our 10 year anniversary. It all comes down to making sure the other person's needs are met and it doesn't work if only one partner tries. It's very simple but when the majority of people seem to be selfishly motivated it's no surprise they don't find success. Good interview
Nice. Going on 10 years also, here in a few months. Personally, qualities that have stood out for success are humility and patience.
Love it. Keep up the good work short timer
After 52 years of marriage, 10 years seems like nothing.
Also very happily married 27 years. Kindness, respect, sharing values and a good sense of humor gets you through a lot.
@@viviennedunbar3374 nice 👌. Good points really.
I have been married almost 40 years now….and before this I was a divorced woman…..the MOST important ingredients in a successful marriage is TRUST, LOVE, and RESPECT…..and a fourth is commitment….these are a rarity with todays young people.
Well there's also the generational and cultural factors. My parents were from an extremely conservative and patriarchal culture and they really got married because they couldn't do any better by the time they got married (people married young back then - over a certain age, and you were leftovers with very few prospects)and to be socially accepted you had to get married and have kids. Fit in with everyone else. Accept the cultural norms. Pressure from peers, family and society meant people were desperate to get married if they got to a certain age.
They were extremely unsuited to each other and it was a constamt battleground really - not good at all growing up as a child in that family environment. But no divorce. Until death parted them. It was a social stigma to get a divorce. Anf then they'd have been shunned outsiders not to mention a loss of financial stability abd a drop in livong standards if their limited assets were split.
But in the country where they camr from, in the last couple of decades, divorce has risen rapidly and the stigma greatly lessened. So it's very different for those younger generations even though it's the same culture. Even senior divorce has risen greatly as many elderly women who'd previously felt social constraints, felt free to leave bad (in many cases abusive) marriages, especially with social benefits becoming more available to help senior women survive financially on their own.
My parents never had any of the things you mentioned. Neither did lots of other marrird couples of their generation and culture amd time period.
But they did have commitment - to maintaining their place in society, to staying respectable etc.
Now, even with those values the bond can be broken easily. It will be rare amongst western cultures. Even in eastern cultures where western culture has encroached on, bonds are being broken more.
Exactly. Distractions. AKA "He's just a friend."
This is just packed with substance. Thank you for this conversation
This woman is a breath of fresh air for someone who's been suffocating for most of their life.
Having divorce rate so high as it is today, you can simply assume every marriage will end up in divorce (the so-called 'dummy model') and you already have like 60% accuracy.
People often talk of the divorce rate but consider this: to have a divorce means they actually carried out a legal and proper marriage to begin with. Some places have already noted trends where divorce rates are falling lower and lower.. except... so are marriages. So they're not even making it as far as marriage now.
@@topsuperseven7910 well said. And there is a huge group of people, who don't even take it seriously, just as a short term tax optimisation
The divorce rate has declined.
@@missmabel some say that's true but its also 'bad news' because it's fewer couples that bother getting an actual marriage license. They just 'cohabitate' for a while then leave whenever it fizzles out.
Then there is a trend of divorceless divorce where couples may well have a registered marriage and simply separate forever.
Neither cares to ever 'file a divorce'.
Except that statistic is a bit misleading bc it includes all marriages. First marriages (people who have never been divorced) have a much higher success rate than 2nd marriages. Second marriages (1 previous divorce) have a higher success rate than 3rd, 4th, etc marriages.
What a great convo. Well done! 👏🏾
Authenticity is important as soon as you meet someone. Express your true feelings right away and don't play games. When you play games, you're pushing the right ones away and pulling the wrong ones towards you temporarily, until they eventually see your true personality.
Cool Breeze My child hood nickname. I am now Zodicus Prime 717 Matrix operator/ Digital Soldier.. WWG1WGA
This makes total sense.
My ex boyfriend disconnected early on in the relationship and I spent the next couple of years we were together trying to reconnect. We rarely cuddled, we didn't kiss everyday, I always said I loved him first, we sat apart on the couch, sex was irregular, he didn't compliment me a lot, etc.
I was younger, this was my first long term relationship and I wasn't aware that I was always trying to connect. He's a good man, but not without his own issues. I worked on mine and yet he did not.
He consistently asked for space, and when I tried my best to give this (very challenging because I wanted connection), I thought I was respecting his needs. This was at the expense of my own needs.
He admitted long after we broke up, that he struggles to accept love. Based on how badly the break up affected him, I think he's been able to understand where he went wrong.
We were together for 3.5 years. I don't have any ill feelings towards him.
He did love me the best he could.
I'm glad we aren't together anymore and the reasons I chose to leave was because I could no longer continue being with someone who pushed me away.
I hope he can work through his issues, so he can welcome love into his life.
trust me you was his side chick.
@@finalfrontier001 he might be gay
Look WIFEY Go get your husband he is waiting on you.
The way you spoke so highly & understanding of him shows how real & genuine love you had for him, despite how he treated you.. & yet you wish him well.
I hope one day you find the love that you deserve. The kind of love that cuddles, kisses & says “I love you” first everyday. Because you deserve just that much & much more.
You have mirrored my situation , split from my wife after 23 yrs . Its heartbreaking, demoralising and I feel like my soul has been removed.
"Too much choice, its not healthy" George Carlin. Smart man.
Barry Schwarz said the same thing.
Most of which is only perceived choice
This is one of the most important videos I've seen in many years. Very well done. Thank you.
I’m often pleasantly surprised by the wisdom shared on this podcast. This episode was huge! Really appreciate the relationship principles shared here
Chris is a good interviewer
Covid taught us that scientific studies aren't reliable.
I think a big predictor of divorce is how the person handled their singleness. This is the one and only time to get very clear about who you are and what you want, yet many people view this season as a term punishment that they have to escape from. Women especially are conditioned to get married first and then figure out what they want later. So it's unsurprising that several years into marriage people evolve and realize they're not on the same page with their partner. Making the most of singleness allows for complete selflessness and freedom that you no longer have when you're married.
I married in my mid 30s, way later than most of my peers. But by the time I had met my husband I was so fulfilled with the life I had created for myself, I was more prepared to care for someone else's needs. I had developed a lot more capacity and discipline throughout the years of being alone.
Years ago I read that the main predictor for a woman leaving her husband was a feeling.of contempt.
😐 it's a horrible feeling
Wow! So many good gems here. Wow! Gave me chills. Thank you both for this conversation.
I think what many people probably don't consider when viewing or perceiving alternatives is the assumption that all those options are equal in quality or actually good/better for them. A good number of people seem to not have great discernment in choosing wisely anymore but instead go for what seems great on the surface. While I am not currently looking for a partner at this time, I think a good way of looking at choosing people to be around or selecting a partner would be to consider the question "Who is this person?". The question should not be confused with how you feel about a person or what you think of the person (basically injecting your opinion regarding the person).
When you take a step back from your feelings and opinions to just consider the person as how they are based on their communicated values, interactions with others even with those less fortunate than them, their aspirations, motivations, and how volatile these aspects of the person are likely to change based on circumstances, you can make better decisions that align with who you are as an individual and what you are seeking for the future.
But, always remember to provide to others what you would also want done for you. If you seek a loyal, stable, and committed partner, then you must also be that for the other person as well.
I have been practicing divorce since I was a kid, my parents taught me well
Damn facts 😐
Same here.
Ahhh the praising part hits close to home. My 2 best friends are currently divorcing because of that. I broke up with (now ex) gf a couple of years ago for the same reason. I was lucky enough to find an amazing woman after who understands the importance of compliments and having honest conversations.
You know it’s nice to see all this information that I’ve had to learn the hard way over years of major setbacks all in one place.
Great content. And very important for couples to hear.
I heard that day care children learn less empathy. I think children learn empathy primarily from their mothers, but being in daycare all day reduces that exposures. I cant remember where i heard that.
You probably heard it from someone who is against daycare.
There’s a big difference between the true Self and Ego. When people say they want to take care of their Self, they really are talking about Ego.
The Ego and Self are one in the same. Hence the word Self-ish! Women take care of themselves out of insecurities and not just the superficial stuff. If women have to be selfish bc they feel unsafe then that’s where they’re heading. Even when women initiate most divorces, they fare worse off than men bc there is a part of them that doesn’t feel safe in the marriage that no amount of money can protect them, psychologically.
@@Nah-ah Don't make up stuff in your head. Refrain from concocting ideas without concrete facts and evidence.
Being appreciative of all things good or bad is an art that has become lost on so many. Gratitude, appreciation and voicing that. Today everyone lets the littlest of bad things become so big
Social media just isnt helping with our society in this way
We need change
This has helped me far more than most advice-style videos.
This advice is very accurate, and there's a lot of wisdom here
That makes sense. My wife is not what I would call a doting or patronizing person. But she is responsive to my mood and expressions, and always tries to understand. I think I do the same. This helps a lot. It creates a safe space where we know we're going to be heard. And it makes us want to return that to the other.
No matter how long you have been together or how many compliments you give or sprinkle sprinkle with love but once their head is turned it could be over.
Thanks Sadia this is the best explanation I've heard about this subject.
In the cynical modern world of dating, the things that we are told matter become insignificant on a long enough timeline. One of the things I love about my wife is that she is kind. Gratitude, kindness, self-sacrifice, hard-work are the sort of classical virtues you should be looking for.
Factors discussed:
Responding to bids for connection; ex: partner comes home, says "I'm so tired", and responding with either a positive "what's going on?" vs negative "I'm more tired than you, what makes you so tired compared to me, I've been doing X all day" etc. Or "look at that bird!", and responding with either a positive "oh wow, how neat" vs negative, "so what?" or ignoring
Point is: need to put the emotional needs of your partner first, fulfill their desire for connection.
Current society preaches and teaches "take care of yourself/put yourself first", so people guard themselves, play games, don't attach, don't show their needs. In doing this, it creates a game/power dynamic, as well as teaching their partners the wrong way to treat them.
Point is: be honest and forthright about your needs and desires. It will push away the wrong partners, and attract the right ones who are willing to help you fulfill those needs (and presumably as a reciprocal partner you will help fulfill theirs). Communicate and give feedback
Partnerships that last are ones where praise is far more prevalent than criticism, and the praise is outright expressed. Often people will say that lack of criticism means they are happy, that if they have not said anything it is a given that they appreciate what is being done. Compliments on behavior, appearance, and so on are very powerful, and lasting partnerships feature these as a staple. Men especially crave compliments/gratitude from women, and women thrive on praise.
Point is: actively look for ways to compliment your partner and make them feel good about themselves and what they are doing right. We all have emotional needs, a Daily Recommended Value of emotional fulfillment. Fill it up for them, and they will almost certainly reciprocate. Communicate this need as well
All the previous good behaviors come about when people feel safe with their partners. Creating insecurities can make partners feel unsafe, such as by liking photos of other people of the opposite sex on social media, following, etc, or by excessive criticism and harshness and negativity towards one's partner.
Point is: do your best to show your partner that they are important to you. Be clear of your appreciation for them, and respect the relationship and them. Help them feel secure about who they are to you
❤❤
thank you for this
Such a great video. So informative and well said
I have said in my therapy practice a billion times that the most loving thing one person can do for another person is to acknowledge and validate them, that is, first to express a recognition of the other person (paying attention to them, responding to them, etc.), and second to express validation of them as important, valuable, and whatever else is deserving, as you framed it, complimenting them as one form of this. We might not do this very much for friends and co-workers, but we certainly need to be providing this to our spouses and to our children.
It provides a means to bonding with the"significant"other in the personal relationship you are in
My father hardly says two words in any given day and he and my mother have been married a long time but one thing they both have in common is they believe marriage is til death us do part. It’s in the vows. Many modern couples just do not take their vows seriously enough.
My ex gf would get distracted so easily. It got to the point where I would walk in the door and she would just ignore me and then be glued to her phone. Even ignore her kids. I tried, but she was just in her own world.
My ex rarely complimented over our 7 year relationship so this really validated me. I also shouldve praised him more about all the little things he did for me. It goes both ways.
That was good stuff. Thank you for the video.
What was left out of that study was the factors going INTO a relationship that predict divorce: 1) Children of divorced parents; 2) Women with high number of sexual partners; 3) Lack of social network that supports relationship; 3) Substance abuse or addiction of any sort. There are more, but these are the big 3.
Why not men with high number of sexual partners?
@@catherinelw9365 Despite what the sexual revolution promoted that women can experience the same sexual freedom as men, ...they can, but the consequences for women are greater. Not talking about pregnancy etc. but psychological/emotional costs. There's a very old saying- "men make love with their bodies, women make love with their hearts". You give away your heart enough times and you lose the ability to find true intimacy with a partner and to pair-bond with your chosen mate. This has been studied and proven to be factual. Societal stigmas are one thing but real psychological damage occurs. At the extreme end of tis spectrum are porn actors and sex workers.
Because men don't get emotionally attached as much as women do when engaging in sexual activity. Where a woman leaves a man after sexual intimacy, the guy will go "oh that's weird, at least I had sex I guess" where if it happens to a women the response is more along the lines of "he just used me?" Or "what's wrong with me, why won't men commit"? If it happens too often to women it becomes baggage if not trauma. To men it's just an active sex life until they find someone compatible.
But you listed 4 things.
@@007Influence they may not get emotionally attached but it does affect their ability to stick to one person. Look at the likes of Mick Jagger for example
Good advice for good parenting too 👍
thank you so much for this, it feels enlightening.
Thanks guys!
Great content
Great interview. At 5:33, your guest talks about criticism over praise. In Dale Carnegie's book, "How to Win Friends & Influence People," he talks about this topic as well. The book is a bible for anyone who wants to better their interpersonal relationships. “Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,’ and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgotten them.” Here's another - “Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
As a man I pretty much almost never get complimented. So when I compliment others it rare because it's something genuine they have earned
@@smokingcrab2290 I totally agree. It's remarkable how little effort people put into social interactions. I've found that the more I compliment someone (based on, like you said, genuine appreciation), the more I can curb their behavior to the way I like it. It really works. It doesn't take much for me to say that I appreciate something and the positivity is rarely returned to me in the same way, but it has made my relationships better overall. And I'm not someone who is overly agreeable in general. I'm actually somewhat disagreeable.
When she brought up compliments I realized I was rarely complimented in my relationships. Lol
I may be a little biased. I’m in my mid 30s married with children, I haven’t had friends since I graduated college in 2011. It’s been easy mode ever since. I work in sales and I have a lot of social interaction daily. My colleagues and clients compliment me on doing a phenomenal job of building rapport with people. It’s only because outside of my family… that’s my only interactions with people so I’m authentic, genuine and making the best of speaking, connecting with people and getting to know about them. I take communication seriously and I don’t just go through the motions. I honestly don’t remember what it was like having close friends but it hasn’t bothered me in over a decade, plus I get to do things on my own terms.
@@JayGaulard that only works in workplace not in a relationship.
The point of modern dating is to "protect yourself." Do not catch feelings, do not look needy, do not put him/her on a pedestal etc etc. While each of these is fine and appropriate on their own, as a collective, they all have a net effect of one or both partners having one foot out the door before they even get started. The concept of having a rotation, for example, so that you have a choice before you "become exclusive", means you will never find the "one" because you never gave them a full shot completely. I think it comes down to the present generation being cowards, too afraid of getting their hearts broken. There is no reward without risk. There is no way to have a fulfilling long-term relationship without first putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Instead of protecting yourself all the time, one must find the courage to risk heartbreak to find long-lasting love.
Heartbreak is not something that should be taken lightly. It can kill. It's why some of us don't bother
I was in a five year relationship, broke up, and entered the dating scene as a 20 something year old, ready to give it my full shot. Multiple women ripped my heart into shreds, played games, cheated, used, backstabbed... I get so sick of boomers calling younger people cowards or weak. If these old assholes had even a taste of the modern young women, they'd be in the loony bin like half of gen z already is. It''s easy to tell people to be venerable little bunny's, but when the dating scene is a snake bit, you become invenerable yourself, after a lot of pain.
It's like the point of dating is to find POWER not love. People are looking for someone they can control, not connect with.
@@user-zy5yq8yi3p *Im in my mid 30s and I call the young generation weak sometimes, but not cowards. I think the hook up culture it kicking y’all ass. I don’t do social media and I always approached women in person. If I approached a woman and she said something corny like what’s your Snapchat, instagram or some lame schit like that, I’d let her her know I was not longer interested. The fact the y’all play along with the stuff is laughable.*
@@user-zy5yq8yi3pDidnt you just prove my point though? The women you were dating were cowards we,rent they? Surely they ran from a long term commitment that you were seeking? Staying away from a relationship is fine, but if you go in half assed as the women you were pursuing did, yuo end up with broken hearts. Thats exactly what my point was.
Recall reading a study that found the cost of the wedding was related to the chances of success. The less they spent the more successful the marriage was.
This was an awesome video. I’ve been married for 30 years, but I think we’ve come to a place where we take each other for granted. I’m going to start praising him more. He is a wonderful husband!!!!
Thank you…. This woman is 1000 times better than the social influencer fakes
This one was super insightful Chris. Sadia is a graceful and an articulate speaker, for sure. Her comments in this piece highlighted strengths in my relationship that I was subconsciously aware of but maybe didn't fully embrace. Power and love to you both 🙏
She’s a terd.
great clip. Very insightful.
This is quite insightful. Thanks for this
Simplified Version: Communication Skills, and Emotional Intelligence. Men and women in relationships ALWAYS test each other's stance in masculinity, and femininity. ALWAYS. You come home from work tired as hell and the first thing your woman tells you is how tired she is from cleaning the house (while you were working all day as well), this is where emotional intelligence is tested. As a man, you should control your anger and respond with empathy. Do so and she will also respond in empathy and possibly do something for you, if not, it's not the end of the world, move along with your day/moment, whatever you're doing. If you react in attitude, you'll get attitude. Multiply this day by day until it compounds into hatred for one another and kiss your relationship goodbye.
Being interested in another person's life, or at least act like it, whether you care or not, is a SKILL to be learned.
Being from Seattle, my husband and I are very familiar with the teachings of Dr. Gottman, having read most of his work. This is the best breakdown of his work we have ever heard. Just spot on and easily understandable. Brilliant! Thank you!❤
I'm in the UK and bought the Gottman info pack years ago, what they said was so practical and helpful but you have to have a partner that is willing and emotionally receptive for it to work, unfortunately I do not so it was pointless. I am still with my husband years later as he's elderly, we get on but have little connection.
Very apt! Thanks for this
Awesome insights. Thank you.
She is absolutely right about the man bit getting compliments from his wife. It makes a difference especially when you are taking the time to work out. When you hear it from other women it can mess with your mind a bit
Appreciation and respect. That's all you need.
God bless this woman, we need this kind of information. Focusing in the other one’s needs is key to success and being happy on the long run, but lots of virtue is needed. And that word, virtue, is long forgotten.
What she says starting at 6:20 is spot on.
I feel super lucky to have my partner. We've always very easily connected in most ways.
This finding makes sense. The whole point of marriage, well at least it used to be, was to form a long lasting partnership. You can't have a partnership if the other person is only thinking of themselves.
Thanks for this. My wife and I are best friends. We’re very good at turning towards each other’s bids.
Some therapist calls them love bank deposits or withdrawals. Positive actions are depositing and negative ones withdrawal. There’s only as much love in the bank as the two have put in. Daily negatives erode the relationship. Same as a friendship
Successful relationships only happen when each person cares about the other more than themselves. Good luck finding 2 people doing that these days!
Lets be brutally hones here. women struggle with this FAR more than men do! Simply put, women dont love men; they may need us, but they dont love us.
When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, “What is the best machine to use if I want to attract a women?” He pointed to the ATM. 😳
Then everyone clapped
What gym has an ATM?
There's an ATM at your gym?
🧢
@@GardenGuy1943 Its a JOKE,dude! Relax, and let yourself laugh for once, please! Its a joke!
These are great tips for people who are already in a relationship. Most people need tips how to get into one. Personally I feel like people will guard against unknown people so we can't strike up a conversation randomly.
The message in this video is so simple but a spoonful of truth of gargantuan dimensions at the same time
You must love yourself first then you can love others.
You also need time to develop deep connections with people and relationships and it definitely feels like we are an increasingly impatient and impulsive society.
A big problem and they touched on this is,people do not understand or know their own attachment styles and thus enter into relationships where the other person will not be able to provide them with what they need unless they both become aware of their attachment style and are really commited to go above and beyond their natural tendencies. For example a couple where the one has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style. If they are not aware of their attachment styles they will never be able to provide each other with what they need. I think it is definitely worthwhile finding out what your own attachment style is.
Good interesting points! 📝 thanks.
Marriage and long term relationships require a lot of work. They are so hard that most people are not equipped to be successful in them. I have believed for many years only about 10-20% of people are suited for the demands and expectations that are required for a marriage to succeed. I always find the term “settling down” funny because a majority of people do settle rather than be alone.
I've never liked the term setting down because it puts down marriage. Too many young people think one needs to "experience life" before "settling down." It used to be one got married young to someone that was the same race, religion, socio-economic status and they experienced life together and grew as people together and built a life together. Calling marriage "settling down" makes it seem like life is over by getting married and its all downhill from there. No wonder people get divorced or avoid marriage if society is telling them their partner is the one holding them back from life.
"Everyone is alone. Everyone is empty. People no longer have need of others. You can always find a spare for any talent. Any relationship can be replaced." - Shogo Makishima
Seek Christ with all your heart
@@jamesday7344Jesus isn't real. UFOs are real. What's next?
Why? Is he missing or hiding?@@jamesday7344
This is very true. Confirmed through personal experience.