If you worry about being a burden, here’s the excellent advice my therapist gave me: share the emotion, not the responsibility. If you are just asking for support, but making it clear that it is not your friend/partner’s responsibility to make you feel better, people almost never fee burdened .
"Making it clear" is the critical point I think. Because most people will automatically try to help the ones they care about. Mainly because they dont like to see you in pain.
@@dynamicgecko1213 lmao I wish that were the critical point. I flat out told my BEST FUCKING FRIEND "I don't want you to be my therapist, I don't want you to fix my problems, I just want to share how I feel for some amount of support". She turned around and accused me of burdening her, wanting her to be my therapist, and at the end claimed that me talking about my self hatred was MANIPULATIVE. When I've opened up about this friend and how they harmed me i was told I was a burden, that I wasn't appropriate, that I was actually the dangerous one. I just... needed to share the emotions because they were unbearable. My best friend told me it was okay, and encouraged. Then they used that against me, and people automatically took her side despite the fact I was used.
@@jeffreychandler8418 jeez that really fucking sucks… im so sorry for you and hope you can find better people. If you want to talk and dont have anyone around you just ask and ill give you something you can talk to me with.
@@jeffreychandler8418, there is a thing I learned from Richard Grannon called inverted communication. It is an either or proposition: You either tell what you are about and let the other person feel whatever about it, if anything. Or you try to communicate an emotion without telling exactly what it is about. My parents do this constantly and I know I used to do this also a lot. In other words, you should describe your emotion, not express it. As long as you are expressing it instead of describing it, you're doing inverted communication, which makes the other person feel your anxiety without knowing what you or they are feeling and why.
@@jeffreychandler8418, it is a catch-22. If you share the actual emotion, which makes the other person feel anxious and burdened, you get some relief. But if you simply tell about the emotion, it remains unbearable. That's just the mechanics of it and has nothing to do with better or worse people. The best someone can do is to volunteer to acknowledge your pain without feeling it. It is in fact manipulative if you want them to feel it and you will only end up with two devastated people instead of one.
Big fan here. Please do more call-ins with older people (30, 40 yrs+ old). They are feeling left out and we youngsters are missing out on the perspective a conversation with older people can offer. High time you talk with older people and deal with their issues as well.
I might be wrong, but aren't problems of 40 y.o. and 20 y.o. completely different? Like, I am around 30, and I wouldn't be interested in hearing problems of 18 y.o., so will it be interesting for 20 y.o. to listen about children and bills?
@@victoriamarfina9819 But they're interested in learning about someone older than them, not younger - Which I feel is a perfectly understandable desire.
you'd be surprised how many problems 'older people' have are really just extrapolations of problems from when they were younger that they either never dealt with, or dealt with shittily
When you have narcissistic parents you learn that opening up to them is giving them material to hurt you with. And they do it in such a devastating way that you become unwilling to open up to anyone else.
@@FaalKoriim There's a lot more help around for this stuff than when I started looking for help. Good luck on your healing journey - just be patient and take it one step at a time, and you'll be feeling whole again in time to really enjoy your life.
@@JoeyG-o8r By their actions shall you know them. If they fit all the "narc trait checklist" traits, they're narcs. I had no idea what was wrong with me, or how to fix it, until I learned about narcissistic abuse. It explained EVERYTHING.
When you open up, others open up. Remember, though: you can only open the door. Don't get mad if they don't walk through. Same for getting anybody to like you. If they don't respond, move on.
The people who submit these posts seem on another level, I couldn’t even organise my thoughts and feelings enough to recognise what’s wrong and write about it..
Well, maybe that's your next growth step. A great starting point is learning how to write. Learn how to write, and you learn how to think. Learn to think and you learn how to speak. A human who can think and speak coherently is a truly powerful being.
I'm really glad the video isn't chopped up like the recent lectures have been. It's a lot easier to internalize the information without every small bit of silence being cropped out of the video, thus resulting in a lecture that's overly condensed and hard to follow and internalize. I hope it stays this way because I really value this channel and I watch almost every video that comes out.
1. Some amount of awareness of emotions 2. Label the emotion. Is it an umbrella emotion? 3. Natural instinct is to isolate when feeling vulnerable 4. Have you been invalidated in the past when you opened up? 5. Ask the other person if you can open up to them
Ooooor: 1) Repress your emotions so much, you lose the capability to tell the positive ones apart. 2) Become so indifferent, you don't care whether you live or die nor what others think of you nor how others will be affected by you opening up. 3) Open up to whomever asks enough questions. Seriously, if all you want is to open up to someone, this works. But I don't recommend it. In most other aspects of life, this method *really* sucks.
Opening up is such a hurdle especially when you don't like yourself in the first place because not only do you have to worry about being a burden to your loved ones, you also have to worry with thoughts of self hate for being "weak", feeling "undeserving of love" and believing that you're "unworthy". I've tried to open up to very good friends in the past including using permission to vent (bc I needed that for my own nerves about opening up) but the more I opened up, the more suspicious of people I became because if I hated me, other people likely hated me too. It's horrifically isolating and I know it stems from having to be literally everyone's big sister without having that older sibling figure for myself and because I've been isolated (in vain attempt to maintain my reputation as the reliable big sister), I've really got no one to turn to now that I'm emotionally shutting down (not that I felt great about turning to people in the first place lol)
That part about becoming suspicious about other people hits the hardest IMO. Opening up to people gives them information and with it power. Someone that knows your weaknesses well can hurt you a lot more than a random stranger calling you slurs and when those close to you invalidated and attacked you while growing up, it becomes the first thing you think of whenever you try to open up. I feel like I am forced to keep a mask because I wanna be liked by the people I like and want to avoid being bullied at all costs.
@@ordinarypigeon6918 YES, that information sharing held me of talking about my feelings a lot too. Nowdays I battle it asking myself questions like "These people that tell me their feelings and life, are they scared of me using that info against them? (no) Would I ACTUALLY use that info to hurt them? (no) If they seem to trust me, is it okay to trust in them back? (yes)" Important thing here: I only have that thinking process if the other person has opened up first. Most of the time just reminding myself those questions will make me feel safe talking about myself (safe but still feeling somewhat like a burden, little steps matters anyway)
I can completely relate. I’ve had to be the big sister to my younger sisters and I’ve been the person they can rely on but because we don’t have good parents (haven’t spoken to either of my parents in years because they never wanted to be parents, so they abandoned us the second we turned 18 😭💔) so it’s really hard because I feel like I have nobody to turn to either. I have no mentors. So I feel incredibly lonely, isolated, and abandoned by everyone I ever loved. No close friends from school. I used to have a bunch of online friends but none I could call a real friend (someone I could rely on or someone I could count on being there for me when I need it). Over the past year we just slowly drifted away because if I don’t reach out than nobody ever reaches out to me. Like I’m the kid who was always picked last for sports and I feel like the adult who nobody wants. I just feel like nobody likes me and I’ve self isolated for so long I don’t even know how to put myself out there again because I’m so tired of getting hurt and rejected. I live a very sad isolated life (especially after Covid) and I just feel doomed to be lonely forever. 😢
This really hit home… I get scared when people have a good opinion of me, that I’m smart or capable because I just don’t feel like that. And then it’s really hard to open up about my worries or struggles because it’s like showing them that they were wrong about me all along, that I’m actually weak and lost and eventually they’ll start seeing me how I see myself and have no reason to stick around
I have done the thing suggested in the video several times over the last few months. I had three friends who I felt were safe. I asked them for a permission to share my personal problems and had SO direct, warm, and mutually rewarding conversations 💛 I opened up to them, and they opened up to me. Those conversations made me even closer to my friends. It was hard to even ask for permissions because those were the first acts of revealing my emotional needs. But it was 100% worth it.
@@temich1985 one of those three friends was male) and over the last month I have found another male friend with whom I can talk about virtually anything) sorry about your experience. I guess I will never know what it's like to be a male and open up to other males. p.s. where are you from?))
@@olgaklochkova2801 opening up to males as a male is often seen as weakness and pardon me, gayness (in the mockery way). I have always wanted to open up, but never to a male friend.
I've struggled opening up to people ever since I was a child, and I remember the exact reason. I was going through a stressful time where my other was verbally and physically abusive. I was about 13 at the time and I spoke to the only person I could trust at the time, my cousin who was in her mid twenties. Turns out she was telling my mother everything that I said and was upset about, my mother then proceed to use it as more fuel for the verbal abuse. I felt so betrayed and alone and ever since then I've had trouble expressing how I truly feel unless I am extrememly pissed off and expressing anger
That sounds extremely painful! But the fact that you can pinpoint the event, and Is likely trying to heal, tells me you are on the right track. Stay strong. 💪
Sorry to hear that. Maybe she's trying to confronting to your mother or trying to help you by telling her it's wrong. But I can relate that made things worse My story is that my mother was emotionally unstable and sometimes verbally abuse me and had a very strict play time so I don't have friends. I tried to connect with her by telling her about some classmates I like and she told my father in dinner and made a lecture to shame me because I "care too much" about how other kids think. I'd like to recommend a book that recently helped me a lot: Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
My parents were neglectful, they left me alone most of the time and never ask about my day. It automatically makes me shut off and only talk when needed to.
I know your stuggle. it happened to me the same way. I opened up to my older cousin about how my oldest cousin was abusing me phisically. one day my older cousin told my oldest cousin about what I told him while lauging about it and in front of me. it was gut wrenchingly horrible. hope you are able to overcome your trauma.
For me what sucks is that when I look back at it, all the people I were super close with and comfortable opening up to ended up leaving my life (mainly growing apart as life went on). so now there's this subconscious fear that whoever I open up to will eventually leave which makes it harder to reach out even if I am comfy with them already.
The problem is that no one is ever going to tell you straight up "No, I don't give you permission to talk about your problems", or "Yes, you are a burden". They'll always tell you what you wanna hear while secretly being annoyed or bothered by you, until eventually they can't keep it a secret anymore and they snap or start ghosting you or talking shit about you etc
you have to put some more faith into other people. my boyfriend is convinced he's burdening me while he's never, ever been, on the contrary i so SO badly want to hear what's going on in his head. however when i try to show and tell him in every possible way i can that he's not burdening me, and he keeps repeating over and over again that he is, THAT'S the burden on me. not his emotions, it's his unwavering conviction that i'm bothered by him. sometimes you create your own problems. and i'm sorry people have snapped at you and talked shit about you. i hope you can meet some new wonderful people that prove to you that there's people out there who care, who want to spend time and energy on listening to you and being there for you.
I agree. Opening up is difficult when you can't actually tell if the person your opening up to is ready. Personally, it's hard to see how opening up benefits the receiver.
@@uberboat4512 people feel more connected to others when they help others. Being helpful to others and being part of something is a key source of meaning in life
@@uberboat4512 i agree with bobalinax, the receiver will be able to hear you and care for you and then you'll create a deeper connection with them, especially if they open up to you as well. this is how i transform my surface level friendships to deep long-lasting emotional bonds, with mutual trust. in my opinion it's the best antidote to loneliness and it helps you feel better about humanity and other people. it's one of the most valuable things in life that i think everyone deserves to have.
I’ve always been the person others come to. I’ve been working on the stuff Dr. K is talking about recently. I asked my friends if it was okay and they all said variations of “I’ve always felt bad that you were always here for me, so I’m glad to be able to hold up my end.” I think it actually made them feel *needed, valued, and important.
Asking for permission, although seems like a game changer, doesnt feel like it's gonna be that effective to me. Mainly because almost no one will say "Yeah, you're kind of a burden" to people they care about. So even when people tell me "Of course you can open up to me anytime", I think about the possiblity that they do feel burdened but they're saying that for the sake of the relationship we have.
I think it's also helpful to remind people that you're not expecting them to make your problems go away or give you advice when you vent. And saying thank you for listening i feel better wouldn't hurt either :) personally an act of sharing my feelings itself is a great relief.
What the dude from discord wrote about describes almost exactly how I act with my feelings. When I'm with other people I tend to focus only on things that have nothing to do with my negative emotions. I would never tell someone how bad I feel, and because I've been having this attitude for so long it happens almost automatically.
I am standing on this cliff feeling super vulnerable about to get into therapy with a new therapist I don't think I will be able to manipulate away from discussing the things I don't want to talk about. Logically, (and as a fourth year psych student) I know this is a good thing. Emotionally I intensely dislike the feelings involved and am not sure how to process them. I will be discussing this at the beginning of our next session. I am also resisting the urge to try and fix this before I get there. This is his job to help with and I think trusting him to do that is really important. I am just sitting with this, trying to be ok with being vulnerable and not having to fix everything myself. This stuff is hard, but worth doing.
Even something as simple as "asking for permission" was something I didn't "dare" to do before because I felt I wasn't close enough to them to talk about personal stuff. Luckily I feel like I made some pretty close friends recently so Imma try your advices =D
17:24 perfect advice for my situation. There's someone who I'm talking to who's deeply afraid of opening up, and safety's a big issue I guess. I think I'm a quality partner, but he's been hurt in the past. It hurts to not have him open up, but I'm trying to give him space.
I've learned from experience, that [Opening Up] brings only punishment for me. It's tiring. I thought being a "good boy" can get me out of my situation. "Don't do this", "don't do that", "abide by the rules", "walk the narrow path (whatever that means)". There's no cake. I'm hungry.
Only looking at the title, my thoughts are that I desperately needed some kind of listener to share my issues, whether they’re friends or therapists or doctors, but a lot of times they are not giving me back the equivalent energy, or engagement, so maybe I try to open up a little bit and then just close up again when I don’t feel safe or appropriate. That would explain why I feel like I am ‘performing’ differently in front of different people, it’s not that I’m faking it’s more like I don’t tell the whole truth.
That's how I had to function as a kid. I couldn't tell people the full story or truth because people didn't want to hear it. So if I told many, then the story would get told, I would have vented, and no one had more then they could carry.
One of the biggest problems with opening up with other people is that other people not being honest with you. People will try to skirt around yous and theirs emotional burdens. Honesty is the BIGGEST problem. After you realize that people are not honest, then there is no point in opening up to them. Another problem If you are to the point of opening up and you already collected the info that you need to look for to work on you're self then you realize that you have more knowledge and understanding then 80% of the population. At that point you start seeing that tying to talk to people is more of a drain because no one is at the point where you are and then they become just another burden with out helping you at all. I think that most people want to talk and be honest and authentic but expressly in a working environment "where most adults make their friend" Then most people cant open up because there are too many narcissistic minded people there because "everyone is tying to bet a better position. So in this narcissistic minded working environment if you open up to your "friends" that you work with then they can use your weaknesses against you to tare you down, so that you do not become an obstacle that they feel as though they must over come to "get ahead". We are not living in a healthy enough society to freely open up.
I relate to opening up just being more of a drain and not helping. Every time I do it I come away feeling just as bad as before, even if the person was understanding and validated my feelings. It's weird.
Isn't thinking that you have more knowledge and understanding than 80% of the population a very egotistical, and narcissistic mindset? Where did you get that from?
@@ceasarsalazar5940 I tried looking for different people to talk to as well. That left me even more disappointed and feeling left down then before I started. The best thing that I would suggest is finding the most honest friend that you have and slowly opening up to them. Unless you sense deception. DON'T RUSH IT! If you rush it there is more of a chance of getting hurt. Take it slow and develop trust. But only if the other person is willing to engage with you in that department. Be more like hey I was thinking about ... . What is your opinion on it. At least that is what I learned so far.
@@孤独の観測者-o7e So you are looking for more of an engagement? Someone to help you find a solution or someone that has been there before and is able to tell you their experience and what they learned so that way you can explain your experience and ask you what you learned.
Literally every time I opened up to my family and friends the message I got back was "no, you are wrong", or it was used against me. Every time I opened up to a partner it got thrown back in my face. Every time I opened up to a coworker I have been betrayed. Nah. I'm good.
You may not want to hear this, I didn't either: but if it's a repeating pattern like that, theres probably also something you might need to adjust in your approach or in how you pick the people you do open up.
Every time I open up to my mother she says something like:"Woah you shouldn't be this way" and then throws a super generalized tip, rather to escape the awkwardness of the conversation
There's not enough context to really know what's going on here.. but it sounds like you may be venting your frustrations about them or yourself in a very emotional and/or toxic way. Ask yourself if that's the way you would want someone to open up to you. Be completely honest with yourself. Some energy needs to be processed/let go of on your own. If you want them to change, try to get them to see through your eyes in a way that isn't going to make them focus on the past but rather on the future that contains a healthier relationship for the both of you. If you can't get that, then probably put them on the back burner. They may not care enough about you to actually be capable of hearing your personal expression and truth. Don't give up on finding people that you can be honest with. That juice is worth the squeeze.
These comments are good. My only add is that if you’re in your 20s or earlier, be nice to yourself first. Most people in there pre 30s speak in matter of fact statements instead of expression. Maybe the expressions is not so much an expression but a declaration or invocation. Communicating is hard and very few people want or can listen. Also check timing, just because you want to say it doesn’t mean the target is available or receptive. Start with the way you express to yourself in your mind or alone. Good luck 🍀
For me the trick was clear thinking. It allowed me to express my feelings in a mature way, brief but detailed enough so people understand without dumping on them. The way to clear thinking for me was to just slow down, don’t ever react impulsively, step back, meditate, let the situation sink in and think about about it objectively. Eventually I slowed down and relaxed by nature so I could handle things better in less time. Also quitting porn works wonders for improving clear thinking. I really recommend it.
I’m so glad you made this video. You helped me realize that I vent to certain friends too much, and while I think they would be too polite to say so, I could be pushing them away by doing this. It will be hard to reign in this impulse to go to them in, because typically they’re the friends I have that actually listen to me. I don’t want to burn out those friendships.
I don't know exactly what you are doing, but I think the most important part is reciprocation. Can they also vent to you, or are you always too tied up in your problems to make time for them?
I noticed how after Dr. K did the meditation, his tone changed significantly and he felt and sounded more calm instantly. It was almost like a free mental reset
Start with small things, little by little If you want someone to open up, let they know the door is open. Not trying to motivate or force them to, but give them the opportunity. Don’t dig in. Make them feel safe to open up.
13:35 Some people, among the me up to a few years ago, feel like even asking the question "is it ok if I talk about...?" is a burden on other people, because we have had the experience of being rejected and seen as needy for wanting to deepen the conversation even to that level. And the consequences can be very harsh. Being ostracized, most often. A step forward is realizing that you are in no way impolite or needy just for asking a question like that. The other person has a problem, not you. But that doesn't solve everything, because the other person or group can still ostracize you even if they’re the one with a problem, which can have devastating consequences (e.g. in the workplace). One solution is to keep your mouth shut, while making sure you have some other people you can be direct with. The other is building a life where you rely on yourself, as opposed to other people) to have everything you need (money, fun, approval, opportunities, happiness), so that you don’t feel fear of losing those things when it’s time to communicate your needs to them. Another thing is coming to terms with death. Since I stopped valuing my life, I got a lot braver, because any consequences of what I say are fine with me (it’s a tough mindset to keep up long term!).
This is so simple and yet so helpful. Thank you! I've been struggling with these issues and doubting myself. Now I have guidlines for what's appropriate.
Oh boy, i have such an issue with opening up, which is porbably the single most thing hindering me from making actual progress. I watched HG and other mental health youtubers for a long time and made great progress with my inner dialogue and getting to know my issues etc. I literally stopped opening up about any emotions (even the postive ones) to anybody because i had multiple small instances with friends, family and aquaintances where i got repeatedly humiliated for my emotions both positive and negative. So i just shut down everything and bottled that shit up from age 10 to 12 on. (lol, i'm now in my mid 20s and fucked... hahaha...) Then i finally decided to try to open up to a professional, as i had/have no friends/family to really talk to and thought it would be a pretty save bet. Like, a therapist/councellor isn't going to reject you or shame you for your lack of emotions right... wrong! He literally made me feel like a piece of shit for not opening up at the pace he expected me to and told me to my face that i'm wasting his time and "other people have it worse", so i just never went there again. Now i feel even more like a waste of peoples time and effort and a f-ing burden to humanity. Great lol... This was such a disheartening experience, that i completly lost my will to improve at all for a long time bc it just felt impossible. Right now i'm slowly inching my way back and try again, but i'm even more scared and anxious than before. Thank you, random stranger for reading this and best of luck for y'alls journeys.
brutal. reminds me of when i was 15 and i went to a psychologist who (supposedly) specialized in ADHD. when i told him the ritalin he'd recommended wasn't working out, he said "well then there's nothing i can do for you" and ended our sessions. took another 10ish years, but i eventually found a mental health professional who was decent. hang in there friend.
The fact that a professional would behave like this is mind boggling. It flies in the face of everything therapy is meant to be. I'm really good at communicating my emotions but I'd definitely be fucked up with these kind of experiences
I'm in the same boat, except I never went to see professional help and probably should lmao. Felt like I've been alone since I was 13 or so, and now I'm jumping into my mid 20s with no friends and being terrified of interacting with anyone, both in person and online. Feels like every problem in my life would be swept away if I could be more social or confident, but sometimes even the thought of expressing myself to someone is too much to handle. Almost like I've been playing the opposite of Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes for most of my life. Anything large or small, positive or negative I could say feels like a landmine, and it can't explode if I never say anything. I've only recently been starting to feel my way to understanding my fear of being vulnerable, and even making this post is a big step for me. So thanks for sharing! I feel a little less alone and a little more hopeful knowing that there are others around my age who've been struggling with this and continue to work on it despite the hurdles. Even if it takes a lot of time and effort, even if we have to fail and hurt again in the process, right now I choose to believe we can make it. Good luck!
@@rhine332 Omg your words describe exactly how I feel for years, I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of expressing myself so I just don't say anything lmao I hope the best for every each of us here
Can you teach us about boundaries? How to decide what kind are helpful for you, what kind to set at work and how to stick to your own boundaries as someone who's a retired "people soother" it's pretty difficult managing the codependency in new situations.
This topic hits the problem I'm currently struggling with so hard. I've tried to open up to people and got screwed up in the past. Right now, I always have some barrier put in front of me that I've no idea how to get rid of this barrier.
I had a friend whom I relied on alot when I was in a bad situation. But slowly I started to realized I was going to them every month. It felt like I was burdening them so much and I let them know. They said they were ok with it but I decided to stop because it was really unhealthy. Unfortunately the moment I stopped was when things got way worse, I lost my ground. Anyway eventually got away from that situation and trying to reconnect with them didnt work out so well. They werent letting me get close to them anymore so we moved on. Thinking back on it, I wish I hadnt stopped talking to them when I needed them but I understood what I was doing to them. So 🤷♀️ I dont think it's an easy situation
I have come to be capable of identifying negative and positive emotions within myself. Although, my reasons for not opening up to other people as much as I feel like I should, is that I feel like my vulnerability will be used against me and that tracks back to trust issues i have with people in general and a fear of being mocked. I know i should try trusting more. But my conditioning has become such where I'd rather say this on a TH-cam comment than to another person.
For me personally the reason is that I learned that opening up is useless... In the best (and rarest) case, it just makes me feel nice for a short while, the act of saying the things out loud itself, which I can just as well achieve by typing random comments under random videos, so I do that instead of trying to talk to actual irl people... and in the worse (and more usual) case I'm misunderstood and/or explained how it's my own fault (which it usually is, but telling it to me as if i wasn't aware of it all the time myself... doesn't help), or get piled on and reminded of many other issues which doesn't help since I'm trying not to actively hold ALL the issues in my head at once all the time, because that's extremely deppressing, exhausting, and paralyzing... So... ...yeah. "Opening up" beyond writing random comments to get the illusion of being heard, is useless, at best, in my experience.
I am closed off for over 10 years by now, I know the reason, I was bullied in middle school by classmates and the one person I called a friend back then wan't any help either, as he was basicly just back stabbing me when he saw a possibility to gain more advantage. Never got over it and speaking to my parents wasn't really helpful either, as they didn't really know any good solution. People often tell me I should just let the past be the past and forget about it. But whenever I tried it I noticed it didn't help me. Yes it made me forget the negative feelings for a moment, but they always come back. By now I have nobody in my life outside of my parents and I can't get my self to try to open up to others, as I always fear that I might be betrayed, backstabbed or just exploited again, as I was back in the school days. People only came to me when I was useful due to my knowlege, after that they didn't want to speak to me again.
I think anyone can benefit from watching this video about opening up. It greatly helps people who are naturally open and talkative understand people who have a hard time speaking about their opinions, emotions and experiences. Personally, I have a hard time opening up. I find that most of the time it's because I'm so used to NOT getting a word in. When it does happen, my brain can't function. My brain is literally saying, "Oh damn. It's my turn to speak. What do I say?" I'm used to being a listener. People come to me talk about why they are feeling frustrated, sad, or anxious. Even when people ask how I'm feeling, I'm too mentally exhausted to give a response. I'll say, I'm good or I'm fine. Over the past couple years, I have learned to take mental breaks from the people in my life. Some breaks are longer than others depending on the person. For example, I need long mental breaks from my sister (who is invasive and asks way too many questions that doesn't comes from a place of sincerity) and only a 1-2-day break from friends. Learning about peace and how to protect my peace and my inner child has helped me a lot. Thank you Dr. K for always giving myself (and others) a different outlook on how to deal with our everyday problems. You're the best. :)
When I was young I would vent about my feelings of loneliness and my then-undiagnosed depression to a specific friend. Eventually she set her foot down and told me that it wasn't fair to her. She said it only made her upset specifically because there wasn't anything else she could do for me. From that moment on I never talked to anyone about my emotional state, because it would be unfair to them or they wouldn't be able to offer anything. Simply asking for permission isn't something I ever thought about. I guess the act of even asking felt like I was overstepping, but the way you've explained it is really helpful. So thanks
Hey homedog I'm struggling with what I think is straight up narcissism or some other lack of empathy. I am able to restrain myself from being a COMPLETE ass to other people because I fear of shame and abandonment, but I never really do anything for other people without explicit desire for something in return. I don't feel guilty about this (lack of empathy and all that) but it's destroying me from the inside out because I've realized that if I don't fix it, everyone will leave me to die at some point, seeing as its pretty unavoidable for me to become the bad guy in any situation. Unfortunately I also don't talk to people about it because then they'll realize that I'm dangerous and will also leave, just more subtly. Obviously, normal people have empathy and wouldn't just abandon me in the street right then and there, but who, no matter how empathetic, wants to be friends with someone who outright says "i don't care about you or anyone you care about." I also can't really ask my parents for therapy because my mom (who is exceptionally depressed and angry) would slowly marinate herself in passive aggressive hatred towards me forever and ever amen which I don't think is great for me. I have told one person, but when I only talked because both of us knew we were never going to see each other again (it's complicated but not that dramatic). Sincerely, I am in tears
I love my best friend, but after almost 10 years of friendship and brotherhood, I'm always the one opening up and sometimes even trauma dumping in the past. But when I encourage him to do the same and make him know that I'm always here for him, and I'm a shoulder to cry on and all of that. He never really feels like it, even when he verbally says he's struggling with some stuff. He has already said that he struggles with showing emotions and never really cries, and I've always said that we should have more deep and introspective conversations (we've had them already and he always comes out of them way better) but I think he sometimes feels I want to force those moments while he just wants to get distracted and get high and play video games together. I don't really know how to approach this, I don't want to look the other way and ignore the clear signs of emotional suppression, depression and honestly just a lack of introspection due to constantly just ignoring his mind and heart through distraction. But at the same time I don't want to force the situations and make the mood one of therapy and self help or whatever, but I sometimes feel we're never going to talk about it if it was on him to decide when. I feel he has come into a routine where he just ignores his emotions and doesn't really feel like processing any of them and they just pile up. He notices the bad emotions and instantly looks for a way out and yeah, calmly says he doesn't really want to discuss this at the moment, maybe another time, and that time never comes.
I honestly can't remember if I've ever had a volatile reaction from someone when I opened up about anything, and yet I am still terrified to do it in most cases. I've only ever TRULY opened up to close friends, not even family. Maybe it stems from a fear of being a disappointment or something
i have the same issue, but mainly because i think that my problems are just silly non-problems. nothing serious that's worth talking about. the only reaction i'd get would be "these are not real problems, grow some balls. think about the people who lost their job/who have health issues/who are handicapped/and so on". so i just keep them to myself and avoid bothering everyone.
I worked for a group of shrinks for 15 years. They were all so reserved and not a lot of expression or humor. I really like you style and content. I can have a laugh and joy when watching and listening to you.
People don't actually care. They either completely deny what you experience and gaslight you or they just want that saviour feeling by suggesting what they think will fix it which you've already tried in every way possible but did nothing. The whole planet is ableist and thinks there is always something that can be done to change a situation.
I haven’t watched this yet, but I haven’t wanted to open up to anyone all my life. I got lucky and made some semi-close friends in school just by being forced to interact in group work. Most of the time I was too tired to want to communicate because I played addicting video games and drank Pepsi at home to cope with the day’s stressors. Fast forward to now (I’m 27), I’ve never had a job, but I went to community college and university for a BA in psychology. I never learned the lessons or had the experiences someone of my age would’ve had, which falls under the common theme in these videos of being behind one’s peers. To keep this shorter, my never having had any job at my age has made me not want to interact with anyone because it’s shameful. I don’t know if I want to start making friends or get a part-time job first because I have self-doubts with both and I fear judgement and rejection. I’m omitting details and I could write an essay but it’s too long for a TH-cam comment; I may save that for a Reddit post (just hope Dr. K doesn’t cover it in a video).
I can personally really recommend a part time job. My first PROPER part time job in a store (omitting the one at McDonalds, because I feel that sort of job is supposed to make you feel like crap) gave me a lot of confidence, taught me how to interact with many different people, and in my case, also gained me some great friends. I think once you do any kind of job, you quickly realize that the job world is not as serious as you made it out to be in your head. Your co-workers are still people. You put up a professional facade to the outside world, but even in my job as a newspaper editor, we spend time talking about video games and TV shows. Now I'm sure there are teams that don’t mesh as well with each other, but really, just spending time in an office doesn’t make anyone a superior person. I'm sure you're doing fine.
Working as a receptionist at a popular hotel would get you meeting all different types of people. Just look on indeed for entry level jobs, luxury entry jobs pay more. You could also look for waiter jobs since you learn allot in real life & get tips.
What a brilliant post. I could probably write it myself, pretty much word for word. Maybe I will eventually master the courage to write a similar one and ask for help too. Someday. For now, whoever wrote this post - a stranger on the internet is proud of you. :)
I think after the first time I ever heard the phrase “trauma dumping” it completely shifted the idea of sharing your negative emotions with others as inconveniencing them and being burdening
20:32 I’m so glad this was covered because it’s so hard to deal with. I had a friend who would vent and vent. Daily if given the chance. I would give her advice, she would change nothing and continue to vent about the same stuff. I had a mental breakdown, was off work for 6 months and my life fell apart, and yet she continued to emotionally dump on me. When I tried to enforce a boundary she tried begging and emotional blackmail. In the end I walked away from the friendship and looking back I wish I had much sooner. Some people are emotional vampires.
Hi, I'm new in the channel. Just a few days ago I've watched my first video of yours, and now I'm kinda obsessing jsks I gotta say that I love how you explain things, how you explain the "science" behind all this stuff. I love it. Also, I really felt what you said in this video. It's a struggle that I have since a child, and now it is making its consequences. I will try to take your advices. Thank you! (Sorry if there are any mistakes, I speak Spanish)
Thank you so much, this is the video that has helped me out the most because I tend to lose faith in people, but I forget there's always a way to untangle all of this
I didn't open up for the longest time. And then, I started to open up and most people fall within three categories: 1: automatic shutdown and dismissal of what you're saying saying, 2: fix-it mode, 3: villainization... people think you're sharing to manipulate them in some sort of way. What this translates to for me is that opening up backfires. Even if you ask for permission, I think most people will just say yes even if they don't want to because it's pretty hard to turn someone down who says they need to talk. I love feedback, I also wouldn't mind a hug or a kind word... but this almost never happens. Lesson learned: Don't open up. Read self-help books. Journal. Okay... love this channel and you're a great doctor... I don't mean to contradict, it's just that opening up is tricky business.
Sometimes I have a hard time understanding my own emotions, trying to get better at that, and the thing that helped me most in this video is the article at the end that shows how emotions map onto the body. Just taking a glance at the map, I agree with a lot of those places where we can feel emotion in the body. It really drives home the mind-body connection for me.
This video simply does not address the DANGER in opening up we mostly feel. Like it's not diving down into WHY people don't open up. And how even given doing these healthy things can STILL get you into serious trouble. I am terrified to open up because anytime I do it's used as fuel against me. And it's not mundane "ew he's mean" or "wow he's a jerk" no its full on smear campaigns to destroy me. It's full on emotional and psychological abuse. It's full on traumatizing experiences. I've lost more friends just from healthily telling them about my self harm ideation than anything else. Just suffering in my own head helps more than opening up. And at 20 minutes, this is nice and all, but I had someone actively encourage me to open up more. I directly communicated what I wanted from them. They turned around and LIED that I just wanted them to be their therapist, that I was a burden, and that I was an active danger to them. I was encouraged to open up, I was getting consent before doing so and was met with shame, invalidation, etc. I fucking went to therapy and got medication to heal from this shit and they painted this picture that I had gotten worse as I was improving. Whilst if I wasn't there for them when they cried about something, there was hell to pay. I was a MONSTER for not responding to their emotional dumping at fucking 2AM. I'm just furious that this type of rhetoric in the video gets coopted by actual abusers and harms people who just want to fucking feel safe. This is WHY we need to address the danger and the shear damage people have.
It boils down to meeting people who are actually good people, kind, and also going step by step helps building mutual confidence which is important Remember that opening up involves at least two people, and that other person can and will make an opinion of their own about what you tell them, so if you tell them something really heavy 5 minutes after meeting them, they will definitely get away from you or even use it against you since they dont know you
@@degg7129 I spent weeks with her getting to know her and building mutual trust and it still didn't save me from letting my heavy shit get used against me
@@degg7129 The problem here is that those of us who have past trauma, have attachment styles which aren't secure... abusers, manipulators, narcs, paths, etc all can target those who are in that type of state. Which makes it rather sketchy to open up, unless the person is to be trusted. Which can be a long process.
@@jeffreychandler8418 I 100% feel you. It's really difficult. I too struggle opening up to people because of a lifetime of verbal abuse, manipulation, bullying, neglect, long term relationship with someone who manipulated, gaslit and fucked my mind up real bad. What I've learned in regards to this is to take it super slow. Not give too much of ourselves and share minimally. Wait long term to see how people actually are and pick off the ones who do show repeated signs of poor treatment towards other people. Slowly building relationships with good people, because roughly 50% of people are securely attached and healthy mentally. So there's not a lack of people to connect with. I am taking the route of working with a therapist to build secure attachment and opening up first, before trying to do it with other people.
9:30 Tl;dr- my condolences for your loss I can be felt in your voice, and it’s a shame that our culture doesn’t allow men to feel their sadness during a time of sadness and that even I don’t know in your family plan, but an hours if there is crying in the morning that goes along with the deceased person as their ticket to the funeral, Pyre, it results in like a turbulent journey or something like that. It doesn’t let them allow to transition to the next phase in peace so it’s almost like you might be screwing over the dead persons soul if you actually show that you’re upset especially during that part. Alokbhai my condolences for your loss, idk if I’m reading into it but I feel there’s a subtle undertone of sadness in your voice as you talk about it ( I could never be a mental health provider I have terrible emotional boundaries and I’m trying to work on this and some demands. It’s great such as with patience and other demands it’s horrible because you kind of hate hearing sad stories because they involve the same traumatic pain within yourself as the person who is describing is probably experienced.ugh) that aside, I remember on a few occasions during funerals like one was that the women could not attend the procession to the funeral Pyre, because there’s so emotional, and that the soul won’t be able to journey in peace and men don’t cry, so that’s why men do those aspects. But it’s interesting because our culture is one of also self-awareness and such yet there’s these very odd deny your experience traditions. This is probably a Convo better had at some south Asian culture dissection sesh.
I dont mind opening up in terms of feeling ashamed, like, I dont feel ashamed, but Ive been rejected amd ignored so much for so many years that Ive learned to just not bother with opening up. Like, nobody wanted to be vulnerable with me, so I was just alone and I learned to just deal with everything by myself. Its like I was trained into shutting down 😒
@NelsonGueddes on your last point: depends - the tortured artist and the moody loner are both archetypes that have been around for a long time, but I think they take certain aptitudes to work. On your earlier point: that's one aspect of some meanings of toxic masculinity - so manly and emotionally contained that it can poison you from the inside.
I'm suffering with this exactly right now. I foolishly opened up to my boss and then he gossips with my coworkers, one of which is my brother in law. They all laugh like I'm not even human sometimes. Usually behind my back, but also through whispers which I hear in fragments. Idk what to do. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. They know I drink a lot and this is obviously not helping. My boss called me off today. Maybe it's because he wants to contemplate with those 2 what he wants to do with me and what might happen if they don't change the way they talk to me. Yesterday I was very stoic and monosylabic. They must have noticed. I feel like 'The underground man' writing this. But I've made so much progress recently and they don't even acknowledge it or believe me when I tell them, albeit in a cryptic way because I don't trust them. They don't even care that I've gone out into the world and interacted with people and gotten bolder and better at talking to people. They don't believe I have friends who I trust more than family. My parents have never acknowledged the progress I made in the past 5 years. And they have seen it. Not all of it, because I hide a lot, but a lot of it is visible. At least my therapist applauds me. Well that's all for now.
And yes, I've been betrayed numerous times in childhood when I opened up. Mostly by 2 cousins, but also by sisters one of which is a nurse so she should know better. I know she's not a therapist but she's learned some psychology. I never even studied psychology formally and I know much more than her. I would never tell a word to anyone if someone I cared about told me a secret. Not even a secret, but something that may possibly be private. That's why my friends and acquaintances open up to me. They know I won't tell anyone without their permission. And I also don't come from a place of judgment or schools then for doing bad things. I try my best to be impartial. All my sister and her husband and my dad do is try to strong-arm me. 'Do this because I tell you and you are doing bad things. Stop it!'. As if that'll help. I think about doing bad things to them. When I told my sister that I was in a mental hospital and I was depressed, I told her not to tell anyone. What was the first thing she said? 'I'm going to tell my parents'. I relented because I was drunk and I knew she wouldn't listen. And of course she told her husband. Now they wonder why I won't open up.
I will never forget as a kid, the time I finally told my mom about all the things I was afraid of and the obsessive thoughts running through my head. Instead of helping me or reassuring me everything was going to be okay, she just cried for hours and told me that I sick. I think thats where my inability to open up started. I know it was the 90's and this stuff wasn't talked about or well understood then. And it's gotta be devastating to hear your 7 year old tell you he's afraid that he's going to go to hell if he doesn't hyperventilate in a very specific way for a certain amount of time, or that God was going to kill him for not do a specific thing, but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to have a real relationship with her.
I don't think I've really ever been able to open up to anybody about anything. I have told literally no one about how I actually feel and how I'm doing or about my depression and it's such a burden
Another problem is that when you do open up the way people respond isn't always gonna be ideal. The people who ask why I'm so closed off are also the ones who just have to point out how they have it harder or they've seen worse when I mention anything I struggle with (a very bad attempt to make someone feel better...). Granted, not everyone will respond that way but how does one cling on to hope when these people are all around till they find someone who knows how to respond? Until then you've already found a hundred better strategies to just deal with it yourself.
these are our usual feelings. when he addresses, it helps recognise our emotions and feelings. And we feel like he's found out what we are exactly going through
I love this question. It’s embarrassing to ask for help and be vulnerable to someone. You can be very self conscious about it . I’m always agreeable and then I scream in my head!! Why did I say yes! Why did I agree! Why didn’t I ask a question?!!
Most of my problems with opening up come from a constant state of flux with my emotions throughout my life. I’ve constantly struggled to grow close w/ ppl since I usually explode easily and have struggled with anger issues my whole life. So the ppl that stick around usually are guys or girls who have no interest in me at all. The hard thing is most of my insecurities about opening up come from female friends not understanding navigating my mental state or how anger is very blinding at times. Lack of female validation leads to a lot of anxiety for me around opening up to women, and to men it’s harder bc guys don’t know what to say to that. Not really sure why I’m ranting but yeah
The emotion issues sound like emotional dysregulation (or trauma?). For me - who has the same issue - it comes from (bad) impulsiveness from my ADHD :( Mighr be worth exploring why you feel like this, how it affects you, why this is the case and if there isn't smth causing it. Sorry you deal with this. For me, it never got better because my issue is the short fuse/bad emotional control/inability to stop (my emotions), usually. With ADHD, I/we basically lack that part in the front part of our head that tells us to stop and evaluate it thoroughly first x-x So that is my issue. Only anxiety and beating myself up and depression usually helped with this, which is all not great for coping nor helping with it. So be careful :)
The problem with learning to open up is that the more you're disappointed when you do it, smaller is the probability that you'll try it again. The worst situation is when you do it to your closest and dearest ones who totally disregard your feelings ... :')
I definitely struggle here. Hurt my ability to maintain relationships, me thinking that a lack of communication up until a certain point means that I don't deserve to contact someone.
"Laughter is in the belly, Happiness is in the heart, and pleasure is in the head" This really stuck out to me, despite just being listing results off of a graph it feels like something some old Greek dude would say.
one individual once asked me to know more about why I do the things the way I do. so with a bit of exhausted hesitancy, I told them how I felt. Within 60 seconds, they used that information that I just told them to make me feel bad about myself and my abilities to do anything... then they threw an empty milk jug at me. now I'm more careful with what I say and do around others so they don't use what I tell them against me.
I'll be real it's as simple as I don't wanna bring the mood down, especially if there's not much they can say that'd help. Easier to hang out with somebody to get my mind off things than to bring up heavy shit to them and make us both uncomfortable.
Amazing video. I never thought about it this way. I'm always so guarded because I have been burned so much in the past. I'm not sure if I am ready to follow these steps. I also feel like I would not be able to put in the time for any new relationships.
Everytime i opened up. "No , you're wrong", "Don't care", "So you're saying it's my fault", "why are you tellimg me this" or laughs even im serious. Yep, never again thank you very much.
Holy crap, I'm so sorry :( And those people weren't worth talking to then and it's not your fault (as you prolly know). Gosh, some people, I swear :( (like, who did that or would think to do that, ugh) But also be aware of the fact that you are prolly self-aware and they aren't, which is pretty sad. Doesn't really help to know that, but yeah, yikes how people can be like this x-x
Over a year later, I'm still very happy that I didn't delete this post and truly shared how I feel. Since then, I've been practicing reaching out and opening up to people that I trust the most. And, it's been great experience. Thank you Dr. K for responding to this post and for helping others. And, much love to the HG community for offering an environment where everyone can grow. 🤍
I used to feel like asking for help or venting about serious problems (even with permission) always brings about an emotional reaction from the other person which kind of becomes my burden. So my feeling was always "why would I add to the burden by getting another's emotions involved?" Now I realize that I'm not responsible for other people's emotions but it's still hard to let go of that thought process.
instead of guilt I feel more scared how do you open up to a person your uncomfortable with to do so I found a friendly online and after we got to know more about each other we both felt comfortable to open up to each other even more darker stuff and feelings But when it comes to my family , I feel scared even thought , at least my mom from time to time asks me if I'm okay, they both would most of time fight and would hate crying, wich is more on my father's ,this part and I'm a crybaby, especily when I feel strongly about something , wich can happen from the smallest stuff and everytime I tried to say my opinion on something I feel strong emotion , only around 4 words would come out and then I would immidiately want to cry I also feel scared of change scared of any change that I could do from my own will , that will change at least a bit of the person that someone else's sees me as this will be much worse in the past but now I'm trying to do some changes on my own , and one reason iis that there are less people in the house and more privacy allowed ... to be honest , after hearing the thing you said about courage I just started crying. there is also the fact that I'm still a teenager
funny how coincidental this video came out. i was just having a really bad time thinking of why I can't open up, i opened TH-cam to feel better and first video on the feed was this. literally cry-laughing rn.
I either don’t share at all or overshare. No inbetween. Lol I don’t want to burden people either and I can’t stop. I overshare hoping i’ll stop being uncomfortable but it doesn’t help (this is meeting new people mainly) Edit: why am i crying lol. I have a tendency to feel like i have no value in relationships and opening up just to be abandoned maybe? My best friend of 14 years started slowly moving away since like year 6 (not wanting to hang out at school), then our plans began to be less important. Sometimes she’d forget and schedule something else on the day we had planned and instead of trying to fix it or rescheduling. She’d just say dang i forgot and go to the other thing like our activity was never planned. This wasn’t the same with her other friends, just me. Really hoping i get to meet a psychologist soon. Been queing for a year and a half just taking antidepressants
I’ve isolated for so long I don’t even really feel like I have any friends at all. I can count on one hand the number of people I talk to regularly. I’m so lonely. 💔
Oh my god. I am almost having a Deja Vu here. Except for the act of writing such a post, everything that is expressed here is so me. I am getting answers to my questions without having to ask them. Unbelievable
just found this channel and God. what a find. since I lost my job and can't really afford therapy, these types of videos have been like a bandaid for me until then.
Seeing the Despair Body Effect.......i understand my panic attack where my consciousness rose and sank in my esophagus. 30mins of symphony by clean bandit was oin my ears
If you worry about being a burden, here’s the excellent advice my therapist gave me: share the emotion, not the responsibility.
If you are just asking for support, but making it clear that it is not your friend/partner’s responsibility to make you feel better, people almost never fee burdened .
"Making it clear" is the critical point I think. Because most people will automatically try to help the ones they care about. Mainly because they dont like to see you in pain.
@@dynamicgecko1213 lmao I wish that were the critical point.
I flat out told my BEST FUCKING FRIEND "I don't want you to be my therapist, I don't want you to fix my problems, I just want to share how I feel for some amount of support".
She turned around and accused me of burdening her, wanting her to be my therapist, and at the end claimed that me talking about my self hatred was MANIPULATIVE.
When I've opened up about this friend and how they harmed me i was told I was a burden, that I wasn't appropriate, that I was actually the dangerous one.
I just... needed to share the emotions because they were unbearable. My best friend told me it was okay, and encouraged. Then they used that against me, and people automatically took her side despite the fact I was used.
@@jeffreychandler8418 jeez that really fucking sucks… im so sorry for you and hope you can find better people. If you want to talk and dont have anyone around you just ask and ill give you something you can talk to me with.
@@jeffreychandler8418, there is a thing I learned from Richard Grannon called inverted communication. It is an either or proposition: You either tell what you are about and let the other person feel whatever about it, if anything. Or you try to communicate an emotion without telling exactly what it is about. My parents do this constantly and I know I used to do this also a lot. In other words, you should describe your emotion, not express it. As long as you are expressing it instead of describing it, you're doing inverted communication, which makes the other person feel your anxiety without knowing what you or they are feeling and why.
@@jeffreychandler8418, it is a catch-22. If you share the actual emotion, which makes the other person feel anxious and burdened, you get some relief. But if you simply tell about the emotion, it remains unbearable. That's just the mechanics of it and has nothing to do with better or worse people. The best someone can do is to volunteer to acknowledge your pain without feeling it. It is in fact manipulative if you want them to feel it and you will only end up with two devastated people instead of one.
Big fan here. Please do more call-ins with older people (30, 40 yrs+ old). They are feeling left out and we youngsters are missing out on the perspective a conversation with older people can offer. High time you talk with older people and deal with their issues as well.
Older man perspective here. Men, (bulk of this channel I expect) only open up to other men. Selected men. Be extremely wary of women.
@@jackdeniston6150 why is that?
I might be wrong, but aren't problems of 40 y.o. and 20 y.o. completely different? Like, I am around 30, and I wouldn't be interested in hearing problems of 18 y.o., so will it be interesting for 20 y.o. to listen about children and bills?
@@victoriamarfina9819 But they're interested in learning about someone older than them, not younger - Which I feel is a perfectly understandable desire.
you'd be surprised how many problems 'older people' have are really just extrapolations of problems from when they were younger that they either never dealt with, or dealt with shittily
When you have narcissistic parents you learn that opening up to them is giving them material to hurt you with. And they do it in such a devastating way that you become unwilling to open up to anyone else.
Yes ❤
This is exactly why I don't open up. Didn't realize my father was a narcissist until about a year ago. At 27, the damage is already done.
@@FaalKoriim There's a lot more help around for this stuff than when I started looking for help. Good luck on your healing journey - just be patient and take it one step at a time, and you'll be feeling whole again in time to really enjoy your life.
The amount of narcissistic parents i hear about makes me question how many of your parents are legitimately narcissistic
@@JoeyG-o8r By their actions shall you know them. If they fit all the "narc trait checklist" traits, they're narcs. I had no idea what was wrong with me, or how to fix it, until I learned about narcissistic abuse. It explained EVERYTHING.
When you open up, others open up. Remember, though: you can only open the door. Don't get mad if they don't walk through. Same for getting anybody to like you. If they don't respond, move on.
The people who submit these posts seem on another level, I couldn’t even organise my thoughts and feelings enough to recognise what’s wrong and write about it..
@@Gandellion right!!
Well, maybe that's your next growth step. A great starting point is learning how to write. Learn how to write, and you learn how to think. Learn to think and you learn how to speak. A human who can think and speak coherently is a truly powerful being.
I'm really glad the video isn't chopped up like the recent lectures have been. It's a lot easier to internalize the information without every small bit of silence being cropped out of the video, thus resulting in a lecture that's overly condensed and hard to follow and internalize. I hope it stays this way because I really value this channel and I watch almost every video that comes out.
that’s a great point tbh. makes sense why it feels hard to absorb the information in some videos
1. Some amount of awareness of emotions
2. Label the emotion. Is it an umbrella emotion?
3. Natural instinct is to isolate when feeling vulnerable
4. Have you been invalidated in the past when you opened up?
5. Ask the other person if you can open up to them
This is like the answers right?
Ooooor:
1) Repress your emotions so much, you lose the capability to tell the positive ones apart.
2) Become so indifferent, you don't care whether you live or die nor what others think of you nor how others will be affected by you opening up.
3) Open up to whomever asks enough questions.
Seriously, if all you want is to open up to someone, this works. But I don't recommend it. In most other aspects of life, this method *really* sucks.
Opening up is such a hurdle especially when you don't like yourself in the first place because not only do you have to worry about being a burden to your loved ones, you also have to worry with thoughts of self hate for being "weak", feeling "undeserving of love" and believing that you're "unworthy".
I've tried to open up to very good friends in the past including using permission to vent (bc I needed that for my own nerves about opening up) but the more I opened up, the more suspicious of people I became because if I hated me, other people likely hated me too. It's horrifically isolating and I know it stems from having to be literally everyone's big sister without having that older sibling figure for myself and because I've been isolated (in vain attempt to maintain my reputation as the reliable big sister), I've really got no one to turn to now that I'm emotionally shutting down (not that I felt great about turning to people in the first place lol)
That part about becoming suspicious about other people hits the hardest IMO. Opening up to people gives them information and with it power. Someone that knows your weaknesses well can hurt you a lot more than a random stranger calling you slurs and when those close to you invalidated and attacked you while growing up, it becomes the first thing you think of whenever you try to open up.
I feel like I am forced to keep a mask because I wanna be liked by the people I like and want to avoid being bullied at all costs.
@@ordinarypigeon6918 YES, that information sharing held me of talking about my feelings a lot too. Nowdays I battle it asking myself questions like "These people that tell me their feelings and life, are they scared of me using that info against them? (no) Would I ACTUALLY use that info to hurt them? (no) If they seem to trust me, is it okay to trust in them back? (yes)" Important thing here: I only have that thinking process if the other person has opened up first. Most of the time just reminding myself those questions will make me feel safe talking about myself (safe but still feeling somewhat like a burden, little steps matters anyway)
I can completely relate. I’ve had to be the big sister to my younger sisters and I’ve been the person they can rely on but because we don’t have good parents (haven’t spoken to either of my parents in years because they never wanted to be parents, so they abandoned us the second we turned 18 😭💔) so it’s really hard because I feel like I have nobody to turn to either. I have no mentors. So I feel incredibly lonely, isolated, and abandoned by everyone I ever loved. No close friends from school. I used to have a bunch of online friends but none I could call a real friend (someone I could rely on or someone I could count on being there for me when I need it). Over the past year we just slowly drifted away because if I don’t reach out than nobody ever reaches out to me. Like I’m the kid who was always picked last for sports and I feel like the adult who nobody wants. I just feel like nobody likes me and I’ve self isolated for so long I don’t even know how to put myself out there again because I’m so tired of getting hurt and rejected. I live a very sad isolated life (especially after Covid) and I just feel doomed to be lonely forever. 😢
@@unionunicorn6776 damn I'm sorry to hear this
This really hit home… I get scared when people have a good opinion of me, that I’m smart or capable because I just don’t feel like that. And then it’s really hard to open up about my worries or struggles because it’s like showing them that they were wrong about me all along, that I’m actually weak and lost and eventually they’ll start seeing me how I see myself and have no reason to stick around
I have done the thing suggested in the video several times over the last few months. I had three friends who I felt were safe. I asked them for a permission to share my personal problems and had SO direct, warm, and mutually rewarding conversations 💛
I opened up to them, and they opened up to me. Those conversations made me even closer to my friends.
It was hard to even ask for permissions because those were the first acts of revealing my emotional needs. But it was 100% worth it.
Must be nice to be a lady :)
Try that with your male friends, and you would quickly become someone to make fun of or to avoid altogether.
@@temich1985 one of those three friends was male) and over the last month I have found another male friend with whom I can talk about virtually anything) sorry about your experience. I guess I will never know what it's like to be a male and open up to other males. p.s. where are you from?))
@@olgaklochkova2801 I'm from California, and you?
@@olgaklochkova2801 opening up to males as a male is often seen as weakness and pardon me, gayness (in the mockery way). I have always wanted to open up, but never to a male friend.
@@someguy3508 ugh why do these toxic stereotypes still poison our lives(
I've struggled opening up to people ever since I was a child, and I remember the exact reason.
I was going through a stressful time where my other was verbally and physically abusive. I was about 13 at the time and I spoke to the only person I could trust at the time, my cousin who was in her mid twenties.
Turns out she was telling my mother everything that I said and was upset about, my mother then proceed to use it as more fuel for the verbal abuse.
I felt so betrayed and alone and ever since then I've had trouble expressing how I truly feel unless I am extrememly pissed off and expressing anger
That sounds extremely painful! But the fact that you can pinpoint the event, and Is likely trying to heal, tells me you are on the right track. Stay strong. 💪
Was about to general comment on to be watchful to who you can open up to and if they are worthy of it.
Sorry to hear that. Maybe she's trying to confronting to your mother or trying to help you by telling her it's wrong. But I can relate that made things worse
My story is that my mother was emotionally unstable and sometimes verbally abuse me and had a very strict play time so I don't have friends.
I tried to connect with her by telling her about some classmates I like and she told my father in dinner and made a lecture to shame me because I "care too much" about how other kids think.
I'd like to recommend a book that recently helped me a lot: Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
My parents were neglectful, they left me alone most of the time and never ask about my day. It automatically makes me shut off and only talk when needed to.
I know your stuggle. it happened to me the same way. I opened up to my older cousin about how my oldest cousin was abusing me phisically. one day my older cousin told my oldest cousin about what I told him while lauging about it and in front of me. it was gut wrenchingly horrible. hope you are able to overcome your trauma.
For me what sucks is that when I look back at it, all the people I were super close with and comfortable opening up to ended up leaving my life (mainly growing apart as life went on). so now there's this subconscious fear that whoever I open up to will eventually leave which makes it harder to reach out even if I am comfy with them already.
The problem is that no one is ever going to tell you straight up "No, I don't give you permission to talk about your problems", or "Yes, you are a burden". They'll always tell you what you wanna hear while secretly being annoyed or bothered by you, until eventually they can't keep it a secret anymore and they snap or start ghosting you or talking shit about you etc
you have to put some more faith into other people. my boyfriend is convinced he's burdening me while he's never, ever been, on the contrary i so SO badly want to hear what's going on in his head. however when i try to show and tell him in every possible way i can that he's not burdening me, and he keeps repeating over and over again that he is, THAT'S the burden on me. not his emotions, it's his unwavering conviction that i'm bothered by him. sometimes you create your own problems.
and i'm sorry people have snapped at you and talked shit about you. i hope you can meet some new wonderful people that prove to you that there's people out there who care, who want to spend time and energy on listening to you and being there for you.
I agree. Opening up is difficult when you can't actually tell if the person your opening up to is ready. Personally, it's hard to see how opening up benefits the receiver.
@@uberboat4512 people feel more connected to others when they help others. Being helpful to others and being part of something is a key source of meaning in life
@@uberboat4512 i agree with bobalinax, the receiver will be able to hear you and care for you and then you'll create a deeper connection with them, especially if they open up to you as well. this is how i transform my surface level friendships to deep long-lasting emotional bonds, with mutual trust. in my opinion it's the best antidote to loneliness and it helps you feel better about humanity and other people. it's one of the most valuable things in life that i think everyone deserves to have.
I’ve always been the person others come to. I’ve been working on the stuff Dr. K is talking about recently. I asked my friends if it was okay and they all said variations of “I’ve always felt bad that you were always here for me, so I’m glad to be able to hold up my end.” I think it actually made them feel *needed, valued, and important.
Asking for permission, although seems like a game changer, doesnt feel like it's gonna be that effective to me. Mainly because almost no one will say "Yeah, you're kind of a burden" to people they care about. So even when people tell me "Of course you can open up to me anytime", I think about the possiblity that they do feel burdened but they're saying that for the sake of the relationship we have.
I think it's also helpful to remind people that you're not expecting them to make your problems go away or give you advice when you vent. And saying thank you for listening i feel better wouldn't hurt either :) personally an act of sharing my feelings itself is a great relief.
What the dude from discord wrote about describes almost exactly how I act with my feelings. When I'm with other people I tend to focus only on things that have nothing to do with my negative emotions. I would never tell someone how bad I feel, and because I've been having this attitude for so long it happens almost automatically.
Exactly my thoughts as well! Almost cry reading that because it felt like I was the one writing it
I am standing on this cliff feeling super vulnerable about to get into therapy with a new therapist I don't think I will be able to manipulate away from discussing the things I don't want to talk about. Logically, (and as a fourth year psych student) I know this is a good thing. Emotionally I intensely dislike the feelings involved and am not sure how to process them.
I will be discussing this at the beginning of our next session. I am also resisting the urge to try and fix this before I get there. This is his job to help with and I think trusting him to do that is really important. I am just sitting with this, trying to be ok with being vulnerable and not having to fix everything myself. This stuff is hard, but worth doing.
Even something as simple as "asking for permission" was something I didn't "dare" to do before because I felt I wasn't close enough to them to talk about personal stuff. Luckily I feel like I made some pretty close friends recently so Imma try your advices =D
17:24 perfect advice for my situation. There's someone who I'm talking to who's deeply afraid of opening up, and safety's a big issue I guess. I think I'm a quality partner, but he's been hurt in the past. It hurts to not have him open up, but I'm trying to give him space.
I've learned from experience, that [Opening Up] brings only punishment for me. It's tiring. I thought being a "good boy" can get me out of my situation. "Don't do this", "don't do that", "abide by the rules", "walk the narrow path (whatever that means)". There's no cake.
I'm hungry.
Only looking at the title, my thoughts are that I desperately needed some kind of listener to share my issues, whether they’re friends or therapists or doctors, but a lot of times they are not giving me back the equivalent energy, or engagement, so maybe I try to open up a little bit and then just close up again when I don’t feel safe or appropriate. That would explain why I feel like I am ‘performing’ differently in front of different people, it’s not that I’m faking it’s more like I don’t tell the whole truth.
That's how I had to function as a kid. I couldn't tell people the full story or truth because people didn't want to hear it. So if I told many, then the story would get told, I would have vented, and no one had more then they could carry.
One of the biggest problems with opening up with other people is that other people not being honest with you. People will try to skirt around yous and theirs emotional burdens. Honesty is the BIGGEST problem. After you realize that people are not honest, then there is no point in opening up to them. Another problem If you are to the point of opening up and you already collected the info that you need to look for to work on you're self then you realize that you have more knowledge and understanding then 80% of the population. At that point you start seeing that tying to talk to people is more of a drain because no one is at the point where you are and then they become just another burden with out helping you at all. I think that most people want to talk and be honest and authentic but expressly in a working environment "where most adults make their friend" Then most people cant open up because there are too many narcissistic minded people there because "everyone is tying to bet a better position. So in this narcissistic minded working environment if you open up to your "friends" that you work with then they can use your weaknesses against you to tare you down, so that you do not become an obstacle that they feel as though they must over come to "get ahead". We are not living in a healthy enough society to freely open up.
I relate to opening up just being more of a drain and not helping. Every time I do it I come away feeling just as bad as before, even if the person was understanding and validated my feelings. It's weird.
I think you need better friends. That's the problem, likely.
Isn't thinking that you have more knowledge and understanding than 80% of the population a very egotistical, and narcissistic mindset? Where did you get that from?
@@ceasarsalazar5940 I tried looking for different people to talk to as well. That left me even more disappointed and feeling left down then before I started. The best thing that I would suggest is finding the most honest friend that you have and slowly opening up to them. Unless you sense deception. DON'T RUSH IT! If you rush it there is more of a chance of getting hurt. Take it slow and develop trust. But only if the other person is willing to engage with you in that department. Be more like hey I was thinking about ... . What is your opinion on it. At least that is what I learned so far.
@@孤独の観測者-o7e So you are looking for more of an engagement? Someone to help you find a solution or someone that has been there before and is able to tell you their experience and what they learned so that way you can explain your experience and ask you what you learned.
Literally every time I opened up to my family and friends the message I got back was "no, you are wrong", or it was used against me. Every time I opened up to a partner it got thrown back in my face. Every time I opened up to a coworker I have been betrayed. Nah. I'm good.
You may not want to hear this, I didn't either: but if it's a repeating pattern like that, theres probably also something you might need to adjust in your approach or in how you pick the people you do open up.
Every time I open up to my mother she says something like:"Woah you shouldn't be this way" and then throws a super generalized tip, rather to escape the awkwardness of the conversation
There's not enough context to really know what's going on here.. but it sounds like you may be venting your frustrations about them or yourself in a very emotional and/or toxic way. Ask yourself if that's the way you would want someone to open up to you. Be completely honest with yourself. Some energy needs to be processed/let go of on your own. If you want them to change, try to get them to see through your eyes in a way that isn't going to make them focus on the past but rather on the future that contains a healthier relationship for the both of you. If you can't get that, then probably put them on the back burner. They may not care enough about you to actually be capable of hearing your personal expression and truth. Don't give up on finding people that you can be honest with. That juice is worth the squeeze.
That happened quite often to me too growing up. I'm 23 and just starting to become aware of it noe
These comments are good.
My only add is that if you’re in your 20s or earlier, be nice to yourself first.
Most people in there pre 30s speak in matter of fact statements instead of expression. Maybe the expressions is not so much an expression but a declaration or invocation. Communicating is hard and very few people want or can listen.
Also check timing, just because you want to say it doesn’t mean the target is available or receptive. Start with the way you express to yourself in your mind or alone. Good luck 🍀
The biggest challenge in opening up for me is being afraid of judgement
For me the trick was clear thinking. It allowed me to express my feelings in a mature way, brief but detailed enough so people understand without dumping on them. The way to clear thinking for me was to just slow down, don’t ever react impulsively, step back, meditate, let the situation sink in and think about about it objectively. Eventually I slowed down and relaxed by nature so I could handle things better in less time. Also quitting porn works wonders for improving clear thinking. I really recommend it.
I’m so glad you made this video. You helped me realize that I vent to certain friends too much, and while I think they would be too polite to say so, I could be pushing them away by doing this. It will be hard to reign in this impulse to go to them in, because typically they’re the friends I have that actually listen to me. I don’t want to burn out those friendships.
I don't know exactly what you are doing, but I think the most important part is reciprocation. Can they also vent to you, or are you always too tied up in your problems to make time for them?
I noticed how after Dr. K did the meditation, his tone changed significantly and he felt and sounded more calm instantly. It was almost like a free mental reset
Sounds nice. The hard truth is that people deflect, misrepresent, distort, and patronize when you open up.
Start with small things, little by little
If you want someone to open up, let they know the door is open. Not trying to motivate or force them to, but give them the opportunity. Don’t dig in. Make them feel safe to open up.
13:35 Some people, among the me up to a few years ago, feel like even asking the question "is it ok if I talk about...?" is a burden on other people, because we have had the experience of being rejected and seen as needy for wanting to deepen the conversation even to that level. And the consequences can be very harsh. Being ostracized, most often.
A step forward is realizing that you are in no way impolite or needy just for asking a question like that. The other person has a problem, not you. But that doesn't solve everything, because the other person or group can still ostracize you even if they’re the one with a problem, which can have devastating consequences (e.g. in the workplace).
One solution is to keep your mouth shut, while making sure you have some other people you can be direct with. The other is building a life where you rely on yourself, as opposed to other people) to have everything you need (money, fun, approval, opportunities, happiness), so that you don’t feel fear of losing those things when it’s time to communicate your needs to them. Another thing is coming to terms with death. Since I stopped valuing my life, I got a lot braver, because any consequences of what I say are fine with me (it’s a tough mindset to keep up long term!).
This is so simple and yet so helpful. Thank you!
I've been struggling with these issues and doubting myself. Now I have guidlines for what's appropriate.
Oh boy, i have such an issue with opening up, which is porbably the single most thing hindering me from making actual progress.
I watched HG and other mental health youtubers for a long time and made great progress with my inner dialogue and getting to know my issues etc. I literally stopped opening up about any emotions (even the postive ones) to anybody because i had multiple small instances with friends, family and aquaintances where i got repeatedly humiliated for my emotions both positive and negative. So i just shut down everything and bottled that shit up from age 10 to 12 on. (lol, i'm now in my mid 20s and fucked... hahaha...)
Then i finally decided to try to open up to a professional, as i had/have no friends/family to really talk to and thought it would be a pretty save bet. Like, a therapist/councellor isn't going to reject you or shame you for your lack of emotions right... wrong! He literally made me feel like a piece of shit for not opening up at the pace he expected me to and told me to my face that i'm wasting his time and "other people have it worse", so i just never went there again.
Now i feel even more like a waste of peoples time and effort and a f-ing burden to humanity. Great lol...
This was such a disheartening experience, that i completly lost my will to improve at all for a long time bc it just felt impossible. Right now i'm slowly inching my way back and try again, but i'm even more scared and anxious than before.
Thank you, random stranger for reading this and best of luck for y'alls journeys.
brutal. reminds me of when i was 15 and i went to a psychologist who (supposedly) specialized in ADHD. when i told him the ritalin he'd recommended wasn't working out, he said "well then there's nothing i can do for you" and ended our sessions. took another 10ish years, but i eventually found a mental health professional who was decent. hang in there friend.
The fact that a professional would behave like this is mind boggling. It flies in the face of everything therapy is meant to be. I'm really good at communicating my emotions but I'd definitely be fucked up with these kind of experiences
I'm in the same boat, except I never went to see professional help and probably should lmao. Felt like I've been alone since I was 13 or so, and now I'm jumping into my mid 20s with no friends and being terrified of interacting with anyone, both in person and online.
Feels like every problem in my life would be swept away if I could be more social or confident, but sometimes even the thought of expressing myself to someone is too much to handle. Almost like I've been playing the opposite of Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes for most of my life. Anything large or small, positive or negative I could say feels like a landmine, and it can't explode if I never say anything.
I've only recently been starting to feel my way to understanding my fear of being vulnerable, and even making this post is a big step for me. So thanks for sharing! I feel a little less alone and a little more hopeful knowing that there are others around my age who've been struggling with this and continue to work on it despite the hurdles.
Even if it takes a lot of time and effort, even if we have to fail and hurt again in the process, right now I choose to believe we can make it. Good luck!
@@mdlouie did we have the same therapist 🙃
@@rhine332 Omg your words describe exactly how I feel for years, I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of expressing myself so I just don't say anything lmao I hope the best for every each of us here
Can you teach us about boundaries? How to decide what kind are helpful for you, what kind to set at work and how to stick to your own boundaries as someone who's a retired "people soother" it's pretty difficult managing the codependency in new situations.
This topic hits the problem I'm currently struggling with so hard. I've tried to open up to people and got screwed up in the past.
Right now, I always have some barrier put in front of me that I've no idea how to get rid of this barrier.
You got this man
damn. same!
did you end up opening up after watching this video?
I had a friend whom I relied on alot when I was in a bad situation. But slowly I started to realized I was going to them every month. It felt like I was burdening them so much and I let them know. They said they were ok with it but I decided to stop because it was really unhealthy. Unfortunately the moment I stopped was when things got way worse, I lost my ground. Anyway eventually got away from that situation and trying to reconnect with them didnt work out so well. They werent letting me get close to them anymore so we moved on. Thinking back on it, I wish I hadnt stopped talking to them when I needed them but I understood what I was doing to them. So 🤷♀️ I dont think it's an easy situation
I have come to be capable of identifying negative and positive emotions within myself. Although, my reasons for not opening up to other people as much as I feel like I should, is that I feel like my vulnerability will be used against me and that tracks back to trust issues i have with people in general and a fear of being mocked. I know i should try trusting more. But my conditioning has become such where I'd rather say this on a TH-cam comment than to another person.
For me personally the reason is that I learned that opening up is useless... In the best (and rarest) case, it just makes me feel nice for a short while, the act of saying the things out loud itself, which I can just as well achieve by typing random comments under random videos, so I do that instead of trying to talk to actual irl people... and in the worse (and more usual) case I'm misunderstood and/or explained how it's my own fault (which it usually is, but telling it to me as if i wasn't aware of it all the time myself... doesn't help), or get piled on and reminded of many other issues which doesn't help since I'm trying not to actively hold ALL the issues in my head at once all the time, because that's extremely deppressing, exhausting, and paralyzing... So...
...yeah. "Opening up" beyond writing random comments to get the illusion of being heard, is useless, at best, in my experience.
I am closed off for over 10 years by now, I know the reason, I was bullied in middle school by classmates and the one person I called a friend back then wan't any help either, as he was basicly just back stabbing me when he saw a possibility to gain more advantage. Never got over it and speaking to my parents wasn't really helpful either, as they didn't really know any good solution.
People often tell me I should just let the past be the past and forget about it. But whenever I tried it I noticed it didn't help me. Yes it made me forget the negative feelings for a moment, but they always come back. By now I have nobody in my life outside of my parents and I can't get my self to try to open up to others, as I always fear that I might be betrayed, backstabbed or just exploited again, as I was back in the school days. People only came to me when I was useful due to my knowlege, after that they didn't want to speak to me again.
I think anyone can benefit from watching this video about opening up. It greatly helps people who are naturally open and talkative understand people who have a hard time speaking about their opinions, emotions and experiences. Personally, I have a hard time opening up. I find that most of the time it's because I'm so used to NOT getting a word in. When it does happen, my brain can't function. My brain is literally saying, "Oh damn. It's my turn to speak. What do I say?" I'm used to being a listener. People come to me talk about why they are feeling frustrated, sad, or anxious. Even when people ask how I'm feeling, I'm too mentally exhausted to give a response. I'll say, I'm good or I'm fine. Over the past couple years, I have learned to take mental breaks from the people in my life. Some breaks are longer than others depending on the person. For example, I need long mental breaks from my sister (who is invasive and asks way too many questions that doesn't comes from a place of sincerity) and only a 1-2-day break from friends. Learning about peace and how to protect my peace and my inner child has helped me a lot. Thank you Dr. K for always giving myself (and others) a different outlook on how to deal with our everyday problems. You're the best. :)
When I was young I would vent about my feelings of loneliness and my then-undiagnosed depression to a specific friend. Eventually she set her foot down and told me that it wasn't fair to her. She said it only made her upset specifically because there wasn't anything else she could do for me. From that moment on I never talked to anyone about my emotional state, because it would be unfair to them or they wouldn't be able to offer anything. Simply asking for permission isn't something I ever thought about. I guess the act of even asking felt like I was overstepping, but the way you've explained it is really helpful. So thanks
Hey homedog
I'm struggling with what I think is straight up narcissism or some other lack of empathy. I am able to restrain myself from being a COMPLETE ass to other people because I fear of shame and abandonment, but I never really do anything for other people without explicit desire for something in return. I don't feel guilty about this (lack of empathy and all that) but it's destroying me from the inside out because I've realized that if I don't fix it, everyone will leave me to die at some point, seeing as its pretty unavoidable for me to become the bad guy in any situation. Unfortunately I also don't talk to people about it because then they'll realize that I'm dangerous and will also leave, just more subtly. Obviously, normal people have empathy and wouldn't just abandon me in the street right then and there, but who, no matter how empathetic, wants to be friends with someone who outright says "i don't care about you or anyone you care about." I also can't really ask my parents for therapy because my mom (who is exceptionally depressed and angry) would slowly marinate herself in passive aggressive hatred towards me forever and ever amen which I don't think is great for me. I have told one person, but when I only talked because both of us knew we were never going to see each other again (it's complicated but not that dramatic).
Sincerely,
I am in tears
Thank you for not editing out the silences! Great video, thanks Dr K
Yeah, that wa messing up my concentration so bad.
Whatever editor is doing it should be aware... :/
I love my best friend, but after almost 10 years of friendship and brotherhood, I'm always the one opening up and sometimes even trauma dumping in the past. But when I encourage him to do the same and make him know that I'm always here for him, and I'm a shoulder to cry on and all of that. He never really feels like it, even when he verbally says he's struggling with some stuff. He has already said that he struggles with showing emotions and never really cries, and I've always said that we should have more deep and introspective conversations (we've had them already and he always comes out of them way better) but I think he sometimes feels I want to force those moments while he just wants to get distracted and get high and play video games together.
I don't really know how to approach this, I don't want to look the other way and ignore the clear signs of emotional suppression, depression and honestly just a lack of introspection due to constantly just ignoring his mind and heart through distraction. But at the same time I don't want to force the situations and make the mood one of therapy and self help or whatever, but I sometimes feel we're never going to talk about it if it was on him to decide when. I feel he has come into a routine where he just ignores his emotions and doesn't really feel like processing any of them and they just pile up. He notices the bad emotions and instantly looks for a way out and yeah, calmly says he doesn't really want to discuss this at the moment, maybe another time, and that time never comes.
I honestly can't remember if I've ever had a volatile reaction from someone when I opened up about anything, and yet I am still terrified to do it in most cases. I've only ever TRULY opened up to close friends, not even family. Maybe it stems from a fear of being a disappointment or something
i have the same issue, but mainly because i think that my problems are just silly non-problems. nothing serious that's worth talking about. the only reaction i'd get would be "these are not real problems, grow some balls. think about the people who lost their job/who have health issues/who are handicapped/and so on". so i just keep them to myself and avoid bothering everyone.
That's kind of like asking people who don't have problems to not have emotions.
I worked for a group of shrinks for 15 years. They were all so reserved and not a lot of expression or humor. I really like you style and content. I can have a laugh and joy when watching and listening to you.
People don't actually care. They either completely deny what you experience and gaslight you or they just want that saviour feeling by suggesting what they think will fix it which you've already tried in every way possible but did nothing.
The whole planet is ableist and thinks there is always something that can be done to change a situation.
Thats an american and mostly western mindset. That something can be fixed somehow by xyz medication diet or lifestyle.
I haven’t watched this yet, but I haven’t wanted to open up to anyone all my life. I got lucky and made some semi-close friends in school just by being forced to interact in group work. Most of the time I was too tired to want to communicate because I played addicting video games and drank Pepsi at home to cope with the day’s stressors.
Fast forward to now (I’m 27), I’ve never had a job, but I went to community college and university for a BA in psychology. I never learned the lessons or had the experiences someone of my age would’ve had, which falls under the common theme in these videos of being behind one’s peers. To keep this shorter, my never having had any job at my age has made me not want to interact with anyone because it’s shameful. I don’t know if I want to start making friends or get a part-time job first because I have self-doubts with both and I fear judgement and rejection.
I’m omitting details and I could write an essay but it’s too long for a TH-cam comment; I may save that for a Reddit post (just hope Dr. K doesn’t cover it in a video).
I can personally really recommend a part time job. My first PROPER part time job in a store (omitting the one at McDonalds, because I feel that sort of job is supposed to make you feel like crap) gave me a lot of confidence, taught me how to interact with many different people, and in my case, also gained me some great friends. I think once you do any kind of job, you quickly realize that the job world is not as serious as you made it out to be in your head. Your co-workers are still people. You put up a professional facade to the outside world, but even in my job as a newspaper editor, we spend time talking about video games and TV shows. Now I'm sure there are teams that don’t mesh as well with each other, but really, just spending time in an office doesn’t make anyone a superior person. I'm sure you're doing fine.
Working as a receptionist at a popular hotel would get you meeting all different types of people. Just look on indeed for entry level jobs, luxury entry jobs pay more. You could also look for waiter jobs since you learn allot in real life & get tips.
What a brilliant post. I could probably write it myself, pretty much word for word. Maybe I will eventually master the courage to write a similar one and ask for help too. Someday. For now, whoever wrote this post - a stranger on the internet is proud of you. :)
I think after the first time I ever heard the phrase “trauma dumping” it completely shifted the idea of sharing your negative emotions with others as inconveniencing them and being burdening
20:32 I’m so glad this was covered because it’s so hard to deal with. I had a friend who would vent and vent. Daily if given the chance. I would give her advice, she would change nothing and continue to vent about the same stuff. I had a mental breakdown, was off work for 6 months and my life fell apart, and yet she continued to emotionally dump on me. When I tried to enforce a boundary she tried begging and emotional blackmail. In the end I walked away from the friendship and looking back I wish I had much sooner. Some people are emotional vampires.
Thank you for work, you helped me overcome some of flaws in my emotional awareness. Wish you all the best
Hi, I'm new in the channel. Just a few days ago I've watched my first video of yours, and now I'm kinda obsessing jsks
I gotta say that I love how you explain things, how you explain the "science" behind all this stuff. I love it.
Also, I really felt what you said in this video. It's a struggle that I have since a child, and now it is making its consequences. I will try to take your advices. Thank you!
(Sorry if there are any mistakes, I speak Spanish)
Thank you so much, this is the video that has helped me out the most because I tend to lose faith in people, but I forget there's always a way to untangle all of this
These videos helped me a lot, thank you for making them and keep sharing
I didn't open up for the longest time. And then, I started to open up and most people fall within three categories: 1: automatic shutdown and dismissal of what you're saying saying, 2: fix-it mode, 3: villainization... people think you're sharing to manipulate them in some sort of way. What this translates to for me is that opening up backfires. Even if you ask for permission, I think most people will just say yes even if they don't want to because it's pretty hard to turn someone down who says they need to talk. I love feedback, I also wouldn't mind a hug or a kind word... but this almost never happens. Lesson learned: Don't open up. Read self-help books. Journal. Okay... love this channel and you're a great doctor... I don't mean to contradict, it's just that opening up is tricky business.
Sometimes I have a hard time understanding my own emotions, trying to get better at that, and the thing that helped me most in this video is the article at the end that shows how emotions map onto the body. Just taking a glance at the map, I agree with a lot of those places where we can feel emotion in the body. It really drives home the mind-body connection for me.
When I read the title I instantly thought :"why the hell would I do that?", I'm still going to watch though.
love to see and hear this. everything you said is just sooo good, very well said.
thank you so much for all this.
This video simply does not address the DANGER in opening up we mostly feel. Like it's not diving down into WHY people don't open up. And how even given doing these healthy things can STILL get you into serious trouble.
I am terrified to open up because anytime I do it's used as fuel against me. And it's not mundane "ew he's mean" or "wow he's a jerk" no its full on smear campaigns to destroy me. It's full on emotional and psychological abuse. It's full on traumatizing experiences.
I've lost more friends just from healthily telling them about my self harm ideation than anything else. Just suffering in my own head helps more than opening up.
And at 20 minutes, this is nice and all, but I had someone actively encourage me to open up more. I directly communicated what I wanted from them.
They turned around and LIED that I just wanted them to be their therapist, that I was a burden, and that I was an active danger to them.
I was encouraged to open up, I was getting consent before doing so and was met with shame, invalidation, etc. I fucking went to therapy and got medication to heal from this shit and they painted this picture that I had gotten worse as I was improving.
Whilst if I wasn't there for them when they cried about something, there was hell to pay. I was a MONSTER for not responding to their emotional dumping at fucking 2AM.
I'm just furious that this type of rhetoric in the video gets coopted by actual abusers and harms people who just want to fucking feel safe. This is WHY we need to address the danger and the shear damage people have.
It boils down to meeting people who are actually good people, kind, and also going step by step helps building mutual confidence which is important
Remember that opening up involves at least two people, and that other person can and will make an opinion of their own about what you tell them, so if you tell them something really heavy 5 minutes after meeting them, they will definitely get away from you or even use it against you since they dont know you
@@degg7129 I spent weeks with her getting to know her and building mutual trust and it still didn't save me from letting my heavy shit get used against me
@@degg7129 The problem here is that those of us who have past trauma, have attachment styles which aren't secure... abusers, manipulators, narcs, paths, etc all can target those who are in that type of state. Which makes it rather sketchy to open up, unless the person is to be trusted. Which can be a long process.
@@jeffreychandler8418 I 100% feel you. It's really difficult. I too struggle opening up to people because of a lifetime of verbal abuse, manipulation, bullying, neglect, long term relationship with someone who manipulated, gaslit and fucked my mind up real bad.
What I've learned in regards to this is to take it super slow. Not give too much of ourselves and share minimally. Wait long term to see how people actually are and pick off the ones who do show repeated signs of poor treatment towards other people. Slowly building relationships with good people, because roughly 50% of people are securely attached and healthy mentally. So there's not a lack of people to connect with. I am taking the route of working with a therapist to build secure attachment and opening up first, before trying to do it with other people.
Your videos come out in the order that I need them
9:30 Tl;dr- my condolences for your loss I can be felt in your voice, and it’s a shame that our culture doesn’t allow men to feel their sadness during a time of sadness and that even I don’t know in your family plan, but an hours if there is crying in the morning that goes along with the deceased person as their ticket to the funeral, Pyre, it results in like a turbulent journey or something like that. It doesn’t let them allow to transition to the next phase in peace so it’s almost like you might be screwing over the dead persons soul if you actually show that you’re upset especially during that part.
Alokbhai my condolences for your loss, idk if I’m reading into it but I feel there’s a subtle undertone of sadness in your voice as you talk about it ( I could never be a mental health provider I have terrible emotional boundaries and I’m trying to work on this and some demands. It’s great such as with patience and other demands it’s horrible because you kind of hate hearing sad stories because they involve the same traumatic pain within yourself as the person who is describing is probably experienced.ugh) that aside, I remember on a few occasions during funerals like one was that the women could not attend the procession to the funeral Pyre, because there’s so emotional, and that the soul won’t be able to journey in peace and men don’t cry, so that’s why men do those aspects. But it’s interesting because our culture is one of also self-awareness and such yet there’s these very odd deny your experience traditions. This is probably a Convo better had at some south Asian culture dissection sesh.
I dont mind opening up in terms of feeling ashamed, like, I dont feel ashamed, but Ive been rejected amd ignored so much for so many years that Ive learned to just not bother with opening up. Like, nobody wanted to be vulnerable with me, so I was just alone and I learned to just deal with everything by myself. Its like I was trained into shutting down 😒
Also, men in general are taught to not open up and not be vulnerable because thats definitely not attractive. Apparently.
@NelsonGueddes on your last point: depends - the tortured artist and the moody loner are both archetypes that have been around for a long time, but I think they take certain aptitudes to work. On your earlier point: that's one aspect of some meanings of toxic masculinity - so manly and emotionally contained that it can poison you from the inside.
I'm suffering with this exactly right now. I foolishly opened up to my boss and then he gossips with my coworkers, one of which is my brother in law. They all laugh like I'm not even human sometimes. Usually behind my back, but also through whispers which I hear in fragments.
Idk what to do. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. They know I drink a lot and this is obviously not helping. My boss called me off today. Maybe it's because he wants to contemplate with those 2 what he wants to do with me and what might happen if they don't change the way they talk to me.
Yesterday I was very stoic and monosylabic. They must have noticed. I feel like 'The underground man' writing this. But I've made so much progress recently and they don't even acknowledge it or believe me when I tell them, albeit in a cryptic way because I don't trust them.
They don't even care that I've gone out into the world and interacted with people and gotten bolder and better at talking to people. They don't believe I have friends who I trust more than family. My parents have never acknowledged the progress I made in the past 5 years. And they have seen it. Not all of it, because I hide a lot, but a lot of it is visible. At least my therapist applauds me. Well that's all for now.
And yes, I've been betrayed numerous times in childhood when I opened up. Mostly by 2 cousins, but also by sisters one of which is a nurse so she should know better. I know she's not a therapist but she's learned some psychology. I never even studied psychology formally and I know much more than her.
I would never tell a word to anyone if someone I cared about told me a secret. Not even a secret, but something that may possibly be private. That's why my friends and acquaintances open up to me. They know I won't tell anyone without their permission.
And I also don't come from a place of judgment or schools then for doing bad things. I try my best to be impartial. All my sister and her husband and my dad do is try to strong-arm me. 'Do this because I tell you and you are doing bad things. Stop it!'. As if that'll help. I think about doing bad things to them.
When I told my sister that I was in a mental hospital and I was depressed, I told her not to tell anyone. What was the first thing she said? 'I'm going to tell my parents'. I relented because I was drunk and I knew she wouldn't listen. And of course she told her husband. Now they wonder why I won't open up.
I will never forget as a kid, the time I finally told my mom about all the things I was afraid of and the obsessive thoughts running through my head. Instead of helping me or reassuring me everything was going to be okay, she just cried for hours and told me that I sick. I think thats where my inability to open up started. I know it was the 90's and this stuff wasn't talked about or well understood then. And it's gotta be devastating to hear your 7 year old tell you he's afraid that he's going to go to hell if he doesn't hyperventilate in a very specific way for a certain amount of time, or that God was going to kill him for not do a specific thing, but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to have a real relationship with her.
I don't think I've really ever been able to open up to anybody about anything. I have told literally no one about how I actually feel and how I'm doing or about my depression and it's such a burden
You just told me you had depression, that's gotta be at least 3 points
@@resir9807 yea, i give that a solid 5 points.
Another problem is that when you do open up the way people respond isn't always gonna be ideal. The people who ask why I'm so closed off are also the ones who just have to point out how they have it harder or they've seen worse when I mention anything I struggle with (a very bad attempt to make someone feel better...). Granted, not everyone will respond that way but how does one cling on to hope when these people are all around till they find someone who knows how to respond? Until then you've already found a hundred better strategies to just deal with it yourself.
Dr K comes just in the nick of time, how does he do that.
have a wonderful week y'all!
these are our usual feelings. when he addresses, it helps recognise our emotions and feelings. And we feel like he's found out what we are exactly going through
@@Enadalal yes, this is enormously helpful
I have opened up a few times and they used that to abuse me emotionally. It makes it really hard to do it anymore.
I love this question. It’s embarrassing to ask for help and be vulnerable to someone. You can be very self conscious about it . I’m always agreeable and then I scream in my head!! Why did I say yes! Why did I agree! Why didn’t I ask a question?!!
Most of my problems with opening up come from a constant state of flux with my emotions throughout my life. I’ve constantly struggled to grow close w/ ppl since I usually explode easily and have struggled with anger issues my whole life. So the ppl that stick around usually are guys or girls who have no interest in me at all. The hard thing is most of my insecurities about opening up come from female friends not understanding navigating my mental state or how anger is very blinding at times. Lack of female validation leads to a lot of anxiety for me around opening up to women, and to men it’s harder bc guys don’t know what to say to that. Not really sure why I’m ranting but yeah
The emotion issues sound like emotional dysregulation (or trauma?). For me - who has the same issue - it comes from (bad) impulsiveness from my ADHD :( Mighr be worth exploring why you feel like this, how it affects you, why this is the case and if there isn't smth causing it. Sorry you deal with this. For me, it never got better because my issue is the short fuse/bad emotional control/inability to stop (my emotions), usually. With ADHD, I/we basically lack that part in the front part of our head that tells us to stop and evaluate it thoroughly first x-x
So that is my issue. Only anxiety and beating myself up and depression usually helped with this, which is all not great for coping nor helping with it. So be careful :)
The problem with learning to open up is that the more you're disappointed when you do it, smaller is the probability that you'll try it again. The worst situation is when you do it to your closest and dearest ones who totally disregard your feelings ... :')
Opening up only works if the person you're talking to knows how to respond in a helpful way. If they don't, it can make it worse
Narcissistic abuse/gaslighting is a thing, a very damaging thing.
I like your house plants, they encourage me to open up as they show green signals!
I definitely struggle here. Hurt my ability to maintain relationships, me thinking that a lack of communication up until a certain point means that I don't deserve to contact someone.
I’m starting therapy for the third time soon, and I want it to be successful so I will be using this video as a guide to open up to the therapist.
"Laughter is in the belly, Happiness is in the heart, and pleasure is in the head"
This really stuck out to me, despite just being listing results off of a graph it feels like something some old Greek dude would say.
one individual once asked me to know more about why I do the things the way I do. so with a bit of exhausted hesitancy, I told them how I felt. Within 60 seconds, they used that information that I just told them to make me feel bad about myself and my abilities to do anything... then they threw an empty milk jug at me.
now I'm more careful with what I say and do around others so they don't use what I tell them against me.
I'll be real it's as simple as I don't wanna bring the mood down, especially if there's not much they can say that'd help. Easier to hang out with somebody to get my mind off things than to bring up heavy shit to them and make us both uncomfortable.
I think they mean be strong as in you'll get through this tough time just keep looking forward.
Congrats on hitting 1 Million subscribers
Amazing video. I never thought about it this way. I'm always so guarded because I have been burned so much in the past. I'm not sure if I am ready to follow these steps. I also feel like I would not be able to put in the time for any new relationships.
*WOOH BABY!* This is what we've been waiting for!
For me, Its not about what you're asking, but more about even asking in the first place.
Ive learned over time there are certain things you can open up about and certain people but not others/thibgs. I just follow my instinct and trust it
I am almost 30 and i needed it, thanks!
Everytime i opened up. "No , you're wrong", "Don't care", "So you're saying it's my fault", "why are you tellimg me this" or laughs even im serious.
Yep, never again thank you very much.
Holy crap, I'm so sorry :( And those people weren't worth talking to then and it's not your fault (as you prolly know). Gosh, some people, I swear :( (like, who did that or would think to do that, ugh) But also be aware of the fact that you are prolly self-aware and they aren't, which is pretty sad. Doesn't really help to know that, but yeah, yikes how people can be like this x-x
I needed to hear this today
Over a year later, I'm still very happy that I didn't delete this post and truly shared how I feel. Since then, I've been practicing reaching out and opening up to people that I trust the most. And, it's been great experience.
Thank you Dr. K for responding to this post and for helping others. And, much love to the HG community for offering an environment where everyone can grow. 🤍
I used to feel like asking for help or venting about serious problems (even with permission) always brings about an emotional reaction from the other person which kind of becomes my burden. So my feeling was always "why would I add to the burden by getting another's emotions involved?" Now I realize that I'm not responsible for other people's emotions but it's still hard to let go of that thought process.
instead of guilt I feel more scared
how do you open up to a person your uncomfortable with to do so
I found a friendly online and after we got to know more about each other we both felt comfortable to open up to each other even more darker stuff and feelings
But when it comes to my family , I feel scared
even thought , at least my mom from time to time asks me if I'm okay, they both would most of time fight and would hate crying, wich is more on my father's ,this part
and I'm a crybaby, especily when I feel strongly about something , wich can happen from the smallest stuff
and everytime I tried to say my opinion on something I feel strong emotion , only around 4 words would come out and then I would immidiately want to cry
I also feel scared of change
scared of any change that I could do from my own will , that will change at least a bit of the person that someone else's sees me as
this will be much worse in the past but now I'm trying to do some changes on my own , and one reason iis that there are less people in the house and more privacy allowed
...
to be honest , after hearing the thing you said about courage I just started crying.
there is also the fact that I'm still a teenager
That's me.
Condolences about your Dad. He'd be so proud of his gamer kid :>
funny how coincidental this video came out. i was just having a really bad time thinking of why I can't open up, i opened TH-cam to feel better and first video on the feed was this. literally cry-laughing rn.
I either don’t share at all or overshare. No inbetween. Lol
I don’t want to burden people either and I can’t stop. I overshare hoping i’ll stop being uncomfortable but it doesn’t help (this is meeting new people mainly)
Edit: why am i crying lol. I have a tendency to feel like i have no value in relationships and opening up just to be abandoned maybe? My best friend of 14 years started slowly moving away since like year 6 (not wanting to hang out at school), then our plans began to be less important. Sometimes she’d forget and schedule something else on the day we had planned and instead of trying to fix it or rescheduling. She’d just say dang i forgot and go to the other thing like our activity was never planned. This wasn’t the same with her other friends, just me.
Really hoping i get to meet a psychologist soon. Been queing for a year and a half just taking antidepressants
I’ve isolated for so long I don’t even really feel like I have any friends at all. I can count on one hand the number of people I talk to regularly. I’m so lonely. 💔
appreciation to see the person post on discord!! Such a big step
Oh my god. I am almost having a Deja Vu here. Except for the act of writing such a post, everything that is expressed here is so me. I am getting answers to my questions without having to ask them. Unbelievable
Great video, listen to the whole thing. I like how you deep dive into the specific topic.
Wow, Thank You! My 18 year old son recommended you to me : )
just found this channel and God. what a find. since I lost my job and can't really afford therapy, these types of videos have been like a bandaid for me until then.
Seeing the Despair Body Effect.......i understand my panic attack where my consciousness rose and sank in my esophagus.
30mins of symphony by clean bandit was oin my ears