Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Kindness is actually a fairly complicated construct. It is not synonymous with being nice. Being nice isn't always kind, and being kind isn't always nice. The issue is that there are two faces of kindness, and one without the other is pathological. In this episode, I use concrete examples to demonstrate how kindness without loving honesty is typically a form of enabling that does more harm than good. Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California. Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others. See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations. Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com #kindness #emotions #psychology
In today's world where insults, manipulation,mind games, grudge and other things is a common place, being kind is extraordinary. It's what separates you from other people. The act of being kind is an extension of self. People misinterpret kindness for weakness. I've always been taught how to be kind to people. Tapping into empathy rather than a fake sweet approach is more authentic and is what I live my life by. Thanks!
Well said Dora, and thanks for helping me realise another aspect of what true revolution involves. To have influence over intolerable situations, (instead of avoiding conflict or being a victim of injustice ect), I needed to understand that in times of universal DECEIT and LIES, speaking the truth becomes a REVOLUTIONARY act. Now, I can see that being KIND, in times of rampant CRUELTY, is ALSO a revolutionary thing to do!
@@tonyarmstrong8291 Kindness is the highest form of intelligence. The act of being kind is innate. It cannot b implanted into someone's mind or behaviour. Likewise it cannot be separated from people possessing it. People who are kind have their own emanation of good vibes which has the power to enliven and vitalise other people's life as well. Albeit in this world we come across myriad experiences which may put us in dismay and force to cogitate if being too kind is BAD?? Well the problem begins when being too kind becomes inevitable for us and OTHER PEOPLE START TAKING ADVANTAGE OF IT.
@@Dora-wc8beHow kind is 'too kind'? True kindness cannot be taken advantage of. Because it is based in truth. If you feel you've been taken advantage of, whatever you did was not done in the spirit of true kindness.
This realization hit me HARD after 40. I made no distinction between kind and nice up until I faced an inevitable and painful consequence. Being nice is not a virtue, it eats away at you over time, and it can grow into a pretty big ego. One tip that has helped me and might help others - you might overestimate the amount of time other people spending thinking about what you say and do. In all likelihood they are moving on much sooner than you realize. Be honest, speak up, and let it go. There is tremendous freedom for you on the other side. This was a very powerful lesson, thanks so much.
I came to a point of my life that I focus on my well-being first. If I am safe and wish to help others, I will do so. Before, I was helping following the concept you mentioned and was giving to people who only take, take with the victim mentality. I was raised in that, so I thought it was normal. It almost took my life out, because I felt I was not good enough to even help them. Now only help if I feel safe and feel it's the right thing to do for me I shall help.
Completely agree. It's easy to ask for/say to help from a place of neediness or ample abundance/strength. For the rest of us who have just enough for ourselves if even that, giving comes at an irredeemable cost and isn't affordable unless you are getting something invaluable in return.
The point about people being complicit in their suffering is 100% spot on. If you are completely a victim then you remove yourself from the power to change your situation, if you can take responsibility for your situation, even if you are not responsible for the circumstances of your situation then you give yourself the option to make that situation better and take control of what is happening to you.
Honesty is the greatest form of kindness in my opinion. Anyone can say nice words, but very few people are willing to tell you the bitter truth, watch you fall apart, and then standing by to help you pull yourself together and build you up into a better, stronger version of yourself. I sincerely encourage everyone to try this, it’s incredibly difficult to do but it’s worth it. Now with that said, I do encourage people to find ways to deliver the truth in ways that aren’t as damaging. I’m starting to learn how important it is to do that, no need to be more blunt than you already are.
I took a vow of honesty in 1993. My philosophy is, i'd rather tell the Truth and chance their tears, than to lie to them just to see a smile. Some say I have no filter, I just don't sit by when I see someone getting hurt.
4:14 -🎯I think enabling is the right word, and it's endemic in our culture these days. Another good description might be toxic empathy. Your example of San Fran is spot on.
TOXIC EMPATHY. YES. As someone whom has a bit of a diminished capacity, for emotional empathy - all this empathy being thrown around every second, drives me INSANE. Have I learned it has it’s place and how to use it? Yes. Especially after what I have survived. I call it “effective empathy.” However, it drives me insane when I have to cater to people’s empathy - when it’s necessary to be empathetic to their empathy. UGH. It’s so annoying. Especially, in casual, small-talk circumstances.
It's not empathy, rather it's apathy. It's not caring if someone self-destructs because you find your own self-righteousness and self-perception of being "nice" to be more important than their actual well-being.
This is the first time in my life I understood what “be kind to yourself” means. Everybody says it, my therapist said it, and I have some vague notions of it, but didn’t know what it was concretely. Turns out, I am not kind to myself lol but now I can learn to be! Thanks!
I no longer concern myself with being kind. I concern myself with being fair. I will lose sleep over that if a feel I have fallen short, but I never lose sleep over whether I was kind enough. I don't go out of my way to be hurtful either.
I’m a simple guy so I have a simpler interpretation. When approached by sales persons my wife tends to lead them on giving them false hope of a sale she has intention of ( 5 min conversation)-that’s being “nice”. I tell them upfront I appreciate their effort and expertise but aren’t in the market allowing them to move on to fertile prospects (10 sec conversation)- that’s being “kind”.
Someone who lived on both the west & east coast once said, "People who live in New York City are very kind, but they are not nice. While those who live in LA are very nice, but they're not kind." I understood exactly what he meant.
I would usually never EVER do this to anyone on TH-cam but your content is helping me through a really rough patch and I decided I wanted to pay you back somehow besides my views... have a good day :)
I have been hammered on this point. Giving my friend hell for snorting too much coke. I wasnt nice, I was mad and trying to stop them from killing themselves. I hope they believe me when I say, "I care about you"
It's about whether one judges actions by how they make you FEEL, or what the final RESULT is. Things that produce good results rarely feel good, and chasing good feelings doesn't lead to good results. It's the difference between enjoying chocolate, or enjoying the fruits of exercise.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done to confront a loved one's destructive addiction with kindness, yet recusing to participate in enabling his downward spiral. Thanks for reinforcing that I did what needed to be done, consequences be damned. It was hard, but necessary.
Spot on. in the case of your example they’re not on the street because minimum wage is too low, to believe that is disingenuous and allows you to avoid having to deal with the reasons they’re not employable (drug addiction, alcoholism, mental illness) without understanding why ,they ,will never get the help they need ,and that’s unkind.
Great video, Dr Taraban. Thanks for making it. I've had this experience recently and had to walk away from it. To help a friend I carefully and lovingly (and privately) confronted them about their change of character and bad habits they had taken up. Nobody else wanted to address it properly and it caused a rather narcissistic reaction from them. They apologised (years) later but it was mostly about wanting the benefits of a good friend without the corresponding responsibility such entails. This was confirmed when they started trying to triangulate me with the "nice" people who saw the destructive path they were on but said nothing, actually encouraged it Oh well, God knows my heart. People, stay chaos free in 2023!
Totally agree and it very much does take a lot of courage to be that kind when you KNOW you are likely to receive back lash and defensiveness if/when you are lovingly truthful
Single man here and gotta say, I really like this channel. It’s pretty much red pill, while simultaneously being diplomatic. Thanks for the info and glad to learn from it.
You just revamped that value. My brother's and sisters are drugs addicts and i got kicked out of my moms when I was 18 for criticizing them and telling them what it meant for life. I've had a problem with this idea since then. Being kind weather is was helping nit picking or judging is one of the highest values to suffer over, personally. The complexity of suffering to be kind to is what lead me to meditation when I was little.
Thank you, I do have to stop being nice at time, but kindness can not be turned off. From my experience, it's not a good idea and rather a waste of time to confromt someone who is drunk on their drinking. That doesn't work. You do need to tell them the next day, when they are more sober. Don't let them get away with it, as that is permission for them to go again.
I found, in my own experiences, and obviously none of them have been perfect, but not to digress.. that a lot of people mix up someone being kind for someone being nice and vice versa…. I genuinely think everyone needs to revisit what it really means to be kind of what it really means just to be nice every once in a while Excellent video !!
Great discussion and very relevant to today's world. Kindness without accountability is pointless and superficial and is often used so as to be seen to be doing something positive.
I feel that kindness as it's used in our common language is a little different in the last point. I think the last point, actively preventing harm, is more along the lines of being a good person than being kind. The reason I say this is because if you take away the definition from being more aligned with being nice, you lose the capability of the word to describe a nature in a person that is aligned with being nice and gentle. For example a kind hearted person is close to a nice person. I do like how you broke out the 3 points but I was also hoping for a little more differences like what nice looks like in comparison. You did give me the clarity that kindness includes being nice sometimes and being nice includes kindness sometimes. Maybe your point is that being nice is more aligned with the avoidance characteristics than kindness is. I still think it's important to keep it's definition to be more in line with a gentle caring and nurturing demeanor than just pointing things out or helping avoid pain in some way. It can be associated with selfless acts I think. I am no expert just my opinion
I use this tactic every day as a security officer. I find I get positive results. Be kind. You don't have to be a friend. Or friendly. Just be kind. It shows.
Kindness is serving the needs of others without victimizing ourselves. Niceness sacrifices whatever is necessary to obtain approval. It makes a victim of the giver and the recipient dependent.
My parents and family destroyed my life, sucked the life out of me, drove me to self destruction, stood by as I self destructed and kicked me while I tried to change my life and help them while I was at it. They have the nerve to tell me they love me. Honestly, only one friend tried to say something to me.
There has got to be a point where those should be on a bit the wrongdoing without worrying about their self image, or their self image was like in the past…. We don’t ever see enough of that, but I’m glad to see that you went through what you did and had a friend like that.. I have a friend right now I’m will never even listen to that one friend never for the sake of herself or kids or anything .. Thank you for posting this and I hope you have a fantastic week
One thing I would change about this video, kindly, is removing the mellow dia/monologue about how you understand someone with addiction All things being equal, I think it's about “introducing cats” into the equation For instance, my mother used to smoke for a few years which I deemed inappropriate, especially given that she shares room with her daughter who has explicitly expressed her dislike for the smell that comes from her mother whenever she comes from a staircase My “strategy” has included periodic ridicule mixed with rather "aggressive" (ironically so but perceived as such) dialogues from me from time to time I didn't exactly “calculate” anything in advance but this actually happened to work and she is now smoke free for a couple of months I'm not a very big believer in explaining something to people who don't wanna listen unless there's something for them, especially to lose (I'm leaning towards thinking you're right about negative stimulus being more powerful to humans) Another perk of my approach is that I get to justly troll the people I'm happening to be kind to, so there's some fun for me aswell
I used to always subscribe , like and comment to show support to other good channels . Energy and time doing so. Most channels ask others to subscribe to their channel asking for our support while they themselves do not offer the same support to other channels . That was me being nice , I consider it a kindness now , not to do so and explain why , so that they may wish to self reflect on this valid and common observation
Kindness: Can include criticism of behaviors and of people as long as its coming from a constructive place. Niceness: Is like kindness but more superficial. When I think of it this way, most of the time I've given my friends a hard time about something maybe even teasing them, it's essentially pointing something out that they can improve on, however I didn't always do it in the "nicest" way. When I really don't like someone I usually don't point out their mistakes.
@@psychacks I'm slightly disagree with the statement above if i might. Perhaps it's involving "myself" into the several self-sabotage i'm still dealing with. I am following you {subscription as well" for so many logic and rational answers from your true commitment towards so many psychological factors needed to be explained once for all. Like for example "Respect & Loyalty means different things from men and women" to names only few. Maybe i'm an old fashion person still believing of these vital "good values & principles" supposedly count in this hypocritical society recently lost with nothing to grasp on. This so called "qualities" seems that nowadays don't stick anymore into the structure or...unfortunately into our life's pattern from this unrealistic and irrational systemic of anti-social behaviours. And so i've found out by my own experiences that my own struggles are useless to carry on helping others with time. Same application would nail on the common standard of: "We canno't explain everything to everybody." Personally i never judged people/closest friends/my ex partners in their own way to self-destructions in the meanwhile i was supporting them with all means necessary. Although i do use harsh criticism to correct foolish people's behaviour towards cause i deeply concern into our social worldwide community & health care with my fully involvement through many groups, public platforms & charity organizations with my several kind of interventions. {Supporting with my savings and as a volunteer} Plus i believe through my honest analysis to. My point is: Everyone makes mistakes-So it's a common sense to see in them, from our prospective a human weakness whom concern us all. Through nearly my all life my moral ethic obligation pushed myself to rescue damned souls-homeless-understanding why people at certain point of their life stack into sort of "state of desperation" in same rare cases not booze involved. Bottom line: If my duty and my mission to save lives is whole wrong issue? As i receive mostly as gratification only backstabbing? I wonder how to change my role without been feeling selfish and carry on without change my attitude and personality to? Btw, Seattle to add to to the lovely call of San Francisco and Minneapolis too from other unsensed madness reasons.
Wow! You should be something with his video Doc. I didn’t know someone could live in San Francisco and say those kinds of things about what’s happening there. Good on you!
Struggling atm with my spouse who has bipolar. They have self medicated with cannabis which put them in a manic state. They left the house about 2 months ago in the middle of the night and has been living out of their car with some homeless guy they picked up. Homeless guy has been enabling my spouse, telling them that they are fine when they clearly are not while smoking cannabis and not taking their meds (they missed several appt with psychiatrist). My spouse is self destructing from their mental illness. They are refusing to go get treatment, refusing to acknowledge their illness and destroying their relationships with their family. Their father and sister has broken off all contact with them due to their verbal abuse. Not knowing what else to do, I ended up calling the police when my spouse lightly punched me during a verbal altercation in our front yard. They are in jail right now BUT they are in the psych ward getting their much needed meds and getting off the cannabis. My spouse wasn't going to seek help otherwise and I was afraid of what would happen if I let their mental illness run its course. Was my getting the police involved the right move?
Yes , they would have gone farther downhill without your intervention, and taken your sanity with them , it is not your job to try to fix another at the expense of your well being ,
I did this with a guy who really liked me, who I thought was a friend. I didn’t do anything for him to like me or lead him in in any way I actually talked about other men with him so I was completely surprised. He even told his family I was his girlfriend. I told him I didn’t feel the way he felt towards me and I didn’t want him to waste his time or efforts. Initially that made him more emotional and a little distant but he came to his senses and apologized and admitted that he tend to force things. I let it go. But after I moved he became obsessed with who i was involved with and it became so uncomfortable that i had to cut him off.
I grew up in a family where self destructive behavior was normal. Every one of them had their means- smoking, drinking, over eating. The other family value was “we don’t need help.” This resulted in a lot of slow suicide. It’s taken me years to understand that’s what was wrong, that’s what I fought against. Intervention was attempted but never successful.
Yeah this type of kindness takes courage. Not everyone is willing or secure enough in themselves to go out on a limb and point out what is going wrong in others' lives. Because then they will likely retort in what they see as a similar fashion. In other words point out your own faults. That type of conversation is extremely uncomfortable and will dissuade people from reaching out to help. So, help yourself first. Understand your issues and begin to solve them. Then you can even use that process to deflate the counter attack you will likely hear.
So many people view kindness as a weakness, not a strength and they try to take advantage of kind people. With respect to the alcohol example, some people simply don't care even if you try the schpeel. I think kindness involves a degree of accountability, but there must be respectful limits nd boundaries as well. I'm not prepared to tolerate endless abuse despite trying to help.
I don't have the first kindness in regard to people who have pissed me off prior. Basically, I go like "told you so" or "well well, guess who's reaping what they sowed". I do have a lot of the second kind of kindness, again, to people whom I deem appropriate. I used to make a whole ass study plan for my friends to raise their grades. Truly busy body works right there.
Agree and disagree, if someone asks for it, show kindness, if someone on his/her way tk destroy them, better avoid them unless you wanna be dragged with them with allegations l/charges
I am binge watching your videos, I wish I had found them sooner! You really have a gift at explaining this stuff. This is slightly off topic for this video but perhaps could be a future video. I am struggling to find how one can be kind but not be seen as weak. As an example, I could be kind to one of my employees as they are going through a difficult time. Almost immediately others will start acting up and trying to push the boundaries too. I have to make an example of one person before the rest get back into line. Any ideas on how one can be kind without coming across as weak?
I’ll be honest with you. That sounds a little silly that being kind to one employee makes the others act poorly. But even if that is the case, all you have to to is maintain the standard if they start acting silly or pushing your boundaries. If those people think being kind is a weakness, you have to show them it’s not. Meaning that you don’t fold or let them take advantage of that.
Being kind is sharing what you have out of your own volition. Being nice is trying to accommodate others to appease them. In my experience, being nice is more often than not perfunctory. Say, someone wants your note at uni - they will small talk you, they will smile at you, they may compliment you. But behind your back, they may spread gossip about you, etc.
Great definition. True kindness includes letting people know when they are making a mistake, as well as affirming successes. And always without expectation of reciprocation.
I just found out about nice vs, kind having met a man who I thought was nice however I am not sure he was kind. This makes a big difference to me in a relationship and of course with myself.
I agree. There are many situations when we must do something. And much more, than we usualy do. But there are extreem examples too. I had a patient dying in acut on chronic liver disease caused by alkohol. I asked, what happened. He locked him up in his room with only alkohol and without food or any other drink, and drank himself close to death. His wife didn't do anything, it happened other times too, and he is not somebody to talk with in situations like this. She was even afraid to call help until he was no longer contious. Did she love him? Yes, I know she did. Wasn't she stupid? Yes, she was, she could call help, but she was also afraid, and tired, and she is not a strong personality. Can I judge her? I couldn't. So it is always important, not to judge anyone, but tell everyone the truths, show their duties, and teach them. May your channel always be a space of truth, love and kindness, as it is, how I see. Thank you.
So this is why all advocacy for responsibility is deemed "toxic" to the point even people trying to be responsible for themselves in silence is seen as "bad" or "violent", by acting like this you are taking away their power to rationalize and avoid conflict at the same time they lose the facade of kindness they created for themselves. Damn now that explains why all the responsible people I knew were given the rough treatment.
Nice has always meant gentleman. Strong enough to be able to afford being kind. Pretty much all discussion about the supposed meaning of nice is the immature view that kindness indicates weakness.
Thanks for the advice, it sounds like I have work to do. Lol I love the part where you said it is not good to let people do self-destructive behavior that is also native negatively affecting your relationship with that person. There is someone who I live with who I cannot stand because I have not been firm and constructively critiquing. All this person knows is that for no reason that they can discern I just hate them now as uncomfortable as it will be to point out their Flaws by doing so I give them the opportunity to improve and our relationship the opportunity to flourish again.
I agree and appreciate the accountability aspect of kindness. How do you suggest going to someone with love that is hurting themselves and others, but is self medicating legitimate pain and suffering and able to access the support they truly need in a timely, ongoing way?
You might want to check out my episode "How to confront a friend." The example given is not a serious as self-destructive addiction, but the principle remains the same.
I've encountered a lot of judgmental folks who have tried to derail me from my path, because they think my path is unethical. I guess that is the direct opposite of being kind, of the second kind you mentioned.
Brings to mind that song verse… ‘cruel to be kind in the right measure’ (i don’t remember the rest of the song and i do remember that the video was somewhat perplexing). However : i stand in this Truth 1 Samuel 12:24 “Only fear the LORD, and serve him in truth with all your heart: for consider how great things he hath done for you.” King James Version (KJV) To 🗣 ‘stay-in🥾’ w/the indwelling Holy Spirit has a profoundly deep meaning beyond human 🧠comprehension. It requires total Faith & Trust in Christ Jesus as His Disciplined Disciple no matter how other receive &/or perceive you (1 Peter 3:14-22, 4:12-19, John 4:23-24, John 15:5). Unceasingly 🙏 is the Lifeline (akin to breathing). Yielding to the indwelling Holy Spirit is Life (♾️🕊️) Essential (Romans 14:8, Philippians 1:20-23). i remain 🙏❤️🔥👀 upon Jesus as i 🥾after the Spirit (Romans 8) without hesitation &/or trepidation (Ephesians 1:17-19, 3:14-21). Hebrews 12:27-29 This means that all of creation will be shaken & removed, so that only unshakable things will remain. Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be🙏 & please God by worshiping Him w/holy fear & awe. For our God is a devouring 🔥 (Isaiah 8:13-15). Galatians 1:10-12 For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. But I certify to you that the gospel which was 🗣/✍️ of me is not after man…(Lisa is taught by Jesus: Acts 1:8, 5:29, John 14:26-27). John 15:5-6 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in Me & I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without Me ye can do nothing. If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, is withered; & men gather them, & cast them into the 🔥& they are burned.
8 minutes ago a 6.2 magnitude earthquake has hit Kabupaten Aceh Singkil (AC), Indonesia (Northern Sumatra, Indonesia) 1 Samuel 12:24 Only fear the LORD, & serve Him in truth w/all your ❤️🔥: for consider how great things He hath done for you. 2 Samuel 22:33 God is my strength & power: & He maketh my way perfect. 1 Peter 3:14-22, 4:7-19, Romans 8 & 12, John 4:23-24, 10:27-30, 14:26-27, Hebrews 5:9 A 6.02 magnitude earthquake has occurred near Northern Sumatra, Indonesia at 1/15/23, 2:29 PM!
The etymology of "nice" comes from Latin "nesciens", non-knowing. "Nice" has become a plague for certain elements of society. There ought to be a DSM section on hyper-agreeableness. Gets "nice" people into deep trouble.
I noticed something in your longer videos; in the shorts it's not at all that present. you have your script and that's great, but because of where you keep your display/notes your eyes fall constantly and that's breaking immersion if i can say so 😅 like when the kid in school doesn't really know the lesson all that well and is looking for help, trying to remember or just stalling. that's especially visible when you have to look all the way to your right to read to the end of the line you could try to either bring the display in line with the camera. that way even if your view falls down it's not that blatant that you have to read from the script. alternately you could try to lower the camera slightly, give it a bit of a podcast vibe where you're more relaxed. that worked great in some of your shorts. but only slightly cause you don't want that "chin-selfie" angle. and then place the script just above or behind the camera. that way even if your eyes "just wander around the room", it won't look "suspicious" 🙂 just a thought. in the end you have to decide what you like, what works best for you and what "technical"/practical possibilities you have. great content nonetheless. i discovered your channel several weeks ago and subscribed right away. you bring a lot of value to people who want to better themselves or just to understand the world better.
The easiest way to differentiate nice and kind is their general undertone of selfishness vs selflessness. Being nice will often come from a following expectation or potentially manipulative desire. Where kindness is more of a doing the right thing because the principal of it is enough for me to feel good about doing said thing. I haven't watched the video so this should be interesting.
This has literally been the first time I've received a full definition of what kindness is, and it's been helpful. Thank you. But I must ask, surely there's nothing wrong with being nice for the honest sake of being good or kind...? I just think the concept of niceness is getting a bit of an unfair bad rap.
My definition of being kind is doing something for someone and not expecting anything in return. I’m kind because I like doing for others. Being nice is doing something for someone and expecting something in return. That’s why women don’t like nice guys.
excellent share, Dr. Taraban. One would almost believe you studied scripture based on this theme. When someone is NICE, they are often being superficial in gesture, agreeable, pleasant, and non-confrontational. When someone is KIND, they are often acting benevolently toward another. However, not always in the manner the recipient agrees with. Scripture does not mention being NICE but suggests being KIND. Here is an example: "A nice person may tell a neighbor that they are sorry that they are sick - while a kind person may drop off some soup or offer to pick up groceries for them". Good lesson and great share, Dr. Taraban!
I'll just say that not everyone deserves kindness. There are boundaries to respect in order to get kindness. So to respond to a non-zero amount of people saying that kindness is without expectations, no. It's not that. That would just be called being a doormat. People take advantage of others all the time, so taking that into account, if one is kind without expecting anything in return, that person is going to get stepped on throughout their life. It basically kind of devolves into a discussion about altruism. Do we really do anything out of altruism ? Long discussion shortened, my stance on that is that no, altruism is strictly always selfish, because we at least get the personal emotional satisfaction of having been a good person. So is the good deed selfless or does it make us feel good ? What is the drive behind being selfless ? Why would we ever do that ? Doesn't make any sense to me. It's not an argument for being selfish over selfless, but it's a recognition that true altruism doesn't exist. We still should strive to help other people, simply, if we never ever get anything in return, then it's not worth doing. If a person I hardly know is being self-destructive, but it doesn't impact others, I'm going to tell them once without cruelty, but beyond that, I'm not going to stick my neck out for them. If they can't hear me the first time, I'm wasting my time. Being kind, to me is that. If it impacts others ok, let's have a talk, but if it impacts only themselves, I'm not going to try to help. People don't want to be saved if they can't hear you the first time. I watched a travel vlog the other day, the dude was in India, got approached by a kid. Instead of giving the kid money, he bought him a meal and a bottle of water (which I was taught to do growing up). Then after that the kid started trying to get more. Actual money. When he said "no", the kid started acting out of line, trying to cause a situation, etc. That traveler had been kind. He was not enabling, and he wasn't nice. Because that kid probably deserved a meal, but nothing more, especially after acting out. Some would argue that even buying him a meal is enabling, and to be honest I wouldn't really have an argument against that, in fact I would agree. But he was the better person, he gave the kid the benefit of the doubt, went for food-water, and then nothing else, because he knew what was going on. But that kid will not stop trying to scam tourists because one of them didn't fall for it. You can't save those kids, certainly not as tourists.
On a personal level, before saying anything, one must first consider the nature of your relationship with the person concerned. That relationship governs what to say and whether to say anything at all. A true friend sometimes has to say hard truths because most other people are mere acquaintances and it’s not their business. In terms of public policy, the considerations are quite different. SF has gone off the rails because people there have confused personal kindness with what makes for a good society. Public authorities need to take measures to prevent one person’s choices in life damaging other people and the public spaces which everyone has to share. Faeces and drug addicts in the street are as much pollution as pouring toxic waste into the environment.
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Kindness is actually a fairly complicated construct. It is not synonymous with being nice. Being nice isn't always kind, and being kind isn't always nice. The issue is that there are two faces of kindness, and one without the other is pathological. In this episode, I use concrete examples to demonstrate how kindness without loving honesty is typically a form of enabling that does more harm than good.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
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Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
#kindness #emotions #psychology
Would be awesome if you share some good books with us for life development
The Cruel Sea. Monserrat..@@vinnie1827
The soul demands your folly not your wisdom. Jung.
In today's world where insults, manipulation,mind games, grudge and other things is a common place, being kind is extraordinary. It's what separates you from other people. The act of being kind is an extension of self. People misinterpret kindness for weakness. I've always been taught how to be kind to people. Tapping into empathy rather than a fake sweet approach is more authentic and is what I live my life by. Thanks!
❤️
Well said Dora, and thanks for helping me realise another aspect of what true revolution involves. To have influence over intolerable situations, (instead of avoiding conflict or being a victim of injustice ect), I needed to understand that in times of universal DECEIT and LIES, speaking the truth becomes a REVOLUTIONARY act. Now, I can see that being KIND, in times of rampant CRUELTY, is ALSO a revolutionary thing to do!
@@tonyarmstrong8291 Kindness is the highest form of intelligence. The act of being kind is innate. It cannot b implanted into someone's mind or behaviour. Likewise it cannot be separated from people possessing it. People who are kind have their own emanation of good vibes which has the power to enliven and vitalise other people's life as well. Albeit in this world we come across myriad experiences which may put us in dismay and force to cogitate if being too kind is BAD?? Well the problem begins when being too kind becomes inevitable for us and OTHER PEOPLE START TAKING ADVANTAGE OF IT.
@@Dora-wc8beHow kind is 'too kind'? True kindness cannot be taken advantage of. Because it is based in truth. If you feel you've been taken advantage of, whatever you did was not done in the spirit of true kindness.
@@happydogg312 kindness is weakness
This realization hit me HARD after 40. I made no distinction between kind and nice up until I faced an inevitable and painful consequence. Being nice is not a virtue, it eats away at you over time, and it can grow into a pretty big ego. One tip that has helped me and might help others - you might overestimate the amount of time other people spending thinking about what you say and do. In all likelihood they are moving on much sooner than you realize. Be honest, speak up, and let it go. There is tremendous freedom for you on the other side.
This was a very powerful lesson, thanks so much.
Being kind is giving without having an expection of a reward
@@leebennett1821 that, is what love is.
I came to a point of my life that I focus on my well-being first. If I am safe and wish to help others, I will do so. Before, I was helping following the concept you mentioned and was giving to people who only take, take with the victim mentality. I was raised in that, so I thought it was normal. It almost took my life out, because I felt I was not good enough to even help them. Now only help if I feel safe and feel it's the right thing to do for me I shall help.
good job, hard thing to change.
@@ivanecho Thank you Ivan, sending you love on your journey ❤
Thats good im going threw the same man your not alone ❤
Completely agree. It's easy to ask for/say to help from a place of neediness or ample abundance/strength. For the rest of us who have just enough for ourselves if even that, giving comes at an irredeemable cost and isn't affordable unless you are getting something invaluable in return.
@@shinobi_endure completely agree
The point about people being complicit in their suffering is 100% spot on. If you are completely a victim then you remove yourself from the power to change your situation, if you can take responsibility for your situation, even if you are not responsible for the circumstances of your situation then you give yourself the option to make that situation better and take control of what is happening to you.
This
Honesty is the greatest form of kindness in my opinion. Anyone can say nice words, but very few people are willing to tell you the bitter truth, watch you fall apart, and then standing by to help you pull yourself together and build you up into a better, stronger version of yourself. I sincerely encourage everyone to try this, it’s incredibly difficult to do but it’s worth it.
Now with that said, I do encourage people to find ways to deliver the truth in ways that aren’t as damaging. I’m starting to learn how important it is to do that, no need to be more blunt than you already are.
I took a vow of honesty in 1993. My philosophy is, i'd rather tell the Truth and chance their tears, than to lie to them just to see a smile. Some say I have no filter, I just don't sit by when I see someone getting hurt.
usually people do it with criticism and pumping own ego not accepting other persons worldview
I'm trying this with my mom.
She simply thinks I'm bullying her.
...no, I don't think so.
4:14 -🎯I think enabling is the right word, and it's endemic in our culture these days. Another good description might be toxic empathy. Your example of San Fran is spot on.
TOXIC EMPATHY.
YES.
As someone whom has a bit of a diminished capacity, for emotional empathy - all this empathy being thrown around every second, drives me INSANE.
Have I learned it has it’s place and how to use it?
Yes.
Especially after what I have survived.
I call it “effective empathy.”
However, it drives me insane when I have to cater to people’s empathy - when it’s necessary to be empathetic to their empathy.
UGH.
It’s so annoying.
Especially, in casual, small-talk circumstances.
It's not empathy, rather it's apathy. It's not caring if someone self-destructs because you find your own self-righteousness and self-perception of being "nice" to be more important than their actual well-being.
This is the first time in my life I understood what “be kind to yourself” means. Everybody says it, my therapist said it, and I have some vague notions of it, but didn’t know what it was concretely. Turns out, I am not kind to myself lol but now I can learn to be! Thanks!
I no longer concern myself with being kind. I concern myself with being fair. I will lose sleep over that if a feel I have fallen short, but I never lose sleep over whether I was kind enough. I don't go out of my way to be hurtful either.
I’m a simple guy so I have a simpler interpretation. When approached by sales persons my wife tends to lead them on giving them false hope of a sale she has intention of ( 5 min conversation)-that’s being “nice”. I tell them upfront I appreciate their effort and expertise but aren’t in the market allowing them to move on to fertile prospects (10 sec conversation)- that’s being “kind”.
Someone who lived on both the west & east coast once said, "People who live in New York City are very kind, but they are not nice. While those who live in LA are very nice, but they're not kind." I understood exactly what he meant.
to be brutally honest, being nice is for losers, being kind and being strong is the way to go
I would usually never EVER do this to anyone on TH-cam but your content is helping me through a really rough patch and I decided I wanted to pay you back somehow besides my views... have a good day :)
I have been hammered on this point. Giving my friend hell for snorting too much coke. I wasnt nice, I was mad and trying to stop them from killing themselves. I hope they believe me when I say, "I care about you"
It's about whether one judges actions by how they make you FEEL, or what the final RESULT is. Things that produce good results rarely feel good, and chasing good feelings doesn't lead to good results.
It's the difference between enjoying chocolate, or enjoying the fruits of exercise.
In the present world, no good deed goes unpunished. Self-preservation is the new kindness.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done to confront a loved one's destructive addiction with kindness, yet recusing to participate in enabling his downward spiral. Thanks for reinforcing that I did what needed to be done, consequences be damned. It was hard, but necessary.
Spot on. in the case of your example they’re not on the street because minimum wage is too low, to believe that is disingenuous and allows you to avoid having to deal with the reasons they’re not employable (drug addiction, alcoholism, mental illness) without understanding why ,they ,will never get the help they need ,and that’s unkind.
Great video, Dr Taraban. Thanks for making it.
I've had this experience recently and had to walk away from it. To help a friend I carefully and lovingly (and privately) confronted them about their change of character and bad habits they had taken up. Nobody else wanted to address it properly and it caused a rather narcissistic reaction from them. They apologised (years) later but it was mostly about wanting the benefits of a good friend without the corresponding responsibility such entails. This was confirmed when they started trying to triangulate me with the "nice" people who saw the destructive path they were on but said nothing, actually encouraged it
Oh well, God knows my heart. People, stay chaos free in 2023!
Totally agree and it very much does take a lot of courage to be that kind when you KNOW you are likely to receive back lash and defensiveness if/when you are lovingly truthful
Facts. But growing pains are beneficial
Sounds very stoic. Thank you for the reminder to stop drinking still as it is in my hands now as nobody around me cares about it. I will be a captain
Single man here and gotta say, I really like this channel. It’s pretty much red pill, while simultaneously being diplomatic. Thanks for the info and glad to learn from it.
Yes my people in my circle hold me accountable and vice-versa. Accountability is love.
Your content is amazing. I've been binge watching and listening for the past month and feel better in my skin as a man. Keep it up.
You just revamped that value.
My brother's and sisters are drugs addicts and i got kicked out of my moms when I was 18 for criticizing them and telling them what it meant for life.
I've had a problem with this idea since then.
Being kind weather is was helping nit picking or judging is one of the highest values to suffer over, personally. The complexity of suffering to be kind to is what lead me to meditation when I was little.
Thank you, I do have to stop being nice at time, but kindness can not be turned off. From my experience, it's not a good idea and rather a waste of time to confromt someone who is drunk on their drinking. That doesn't work. You do need to tell them the next day, when they are more sober. Don't let them get away with it, as that is permission for them to go again.
I found, in my own experiences, and obviously none of them have been perfect, but not to digress.. that a lot of people mix up someone being kind for someone being nice and vice versa…. I genuinely think everyone needs to revisit what it really means to be kind of what it really means just to be nice every once in a while
Excellent video !!
Dziękujemy.
That's deep.....I really mean it.....and appreciate the way you "bring things to the table." ❤
I have been listing to 5-6 of your episodes and find them really useful - thanks!
Great discussion and very relevant to today's world. Kindness without accountability is pointless and superficial and is often used so as to be seen to be doing something positive.
I feel that kindness as it's used in our common language is a little different in the last point. I think the last point, actively preventing harm, is more along the lines of being a good person than being kind. The reason I say this is because if you take away the definition from being more aligned with being nice, you lose the capability of the word to describe a nature in a person that is aligned with being nice and gentle. For example a kind hearted person is close to a nice person. I do like how you broke out the 3 points but I was also hoping for a little more differences like what nice looks like in comparison. You did give me the clarity that kindness includes being nice sometimes and being nice includes kindness sometimes. Maybe your point is that being nice is more aligned with the avoidance characteristics than kindness is. I still think it's important to keep it's definition to be more in line with a gentle caring and nurturing demeanor than just pointing things out or helping avoid pain in some way. It can be associated with selfless acts I think. I am no expert just my opinion
You've got a lot of things nailed mate, your content is really useful thanks,
I use this tactic every day as a security officer. I find I get positive results. Be kind. You don't have to be a friend. Or friendly. Just be kind. It shows.
true
Kindness is serving the needs of others without victimizing ourselves.
Niceness sacrifices whatever is necessary to obtain approval. It makes a victim of the giver and the recipient dependent.
Being nice is also kindness ... I like when people treat me nicely cause I'm an overthinker I have ocd so i can't help but obsess over how u treat me
My parents and family destroyed my life, sucked the life out of me, drove me to self destruction, stood by as I self destructed and kicked me while I tried to change my life and help them while I was at it. They have the nerve to tell me they love me.
Honestly, only one friend tried to say something to me.
There has got to be a point where those should be on a bit the wrongdoing without worrying about their self image, or their self image was like in the past….
We don’t ever see enough of that, but I’m glad to see that you went through what you did and had a friend like that..
I have a friend right now I’m will never even listen to that one friend never for the sake of herself or kids or anything ..
Thank you for posting this and I hope you have a fantastic week
One thing I would change about this video, kindly, is removing the mellow dia/monologue about how you understand someone with addiction
All things being equal, I think it's about “introducing cats” into the equation
For instance, my mother used to smoke for a few years which I deemed inappropriate, especially given that she shares room with her daughter who has explicitly expressed her dislike for the smell that comes from her mother whenever she comes from a staircase
My “strategy” has included periodic ridicule mixed with rather "aggressive" (ironically so but perceived as such) dialogues from me from time to time
I didn't exactly “calculate” anything in advance but this actually happened to work and she is now smoke free for a couple of months
I'm not a very big believer in explaining something to people who don't wanna listen unless there's something for them, especially to lose (I'm leaning towards thinking you're right about negative stimulus being more powerful to humans)
Another perk of my approach is that I get to justly troll the people I'm happening to be kind to, so there's some fun for me aswell
I used to always subscribe , like and comment to show support to other good channels . Energy and time doing so. Most channels ask others to subscribe to their channel asking for our support while they themselves do not offer the same support to other channels . That was me being nice , I consider it a kindness now , not to do so and explain why , so that they may wish to self reflect on this valid and common observation
Kindness: Can include criticism of behaviors and of people as long as its coming from a constructive place.
Niceness: Is like kindness but more superficial.
When I think of it this way, most of the time I've given my friends a hard time about something maybe even teasing them, it's essentially pointing something out that they can improve on, however I didn't always do it in the "nicest" way.
When I really don't like someone I usually don't point out their mistakes.
Of course. As Napoleon said, "never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
@@psychacks I'm slightly disagree with the statement above if i might. Perhaps it's involving "myself" into the several self-sabotage i'm still dealing with. I am following you {subscription as well" for so many logic and rational answers from your true commitment towards so many psychological factors needed to be explained once for all. Like for example "Respect & Loyalty means different things from men and women" to names only few. Maybe i'm an old fashion person still believing of these vital "good values & principles" supposedly count in this hypocritical society recently lost with nothing to grasp on. This so called "qualities" seems that nowadays don't stick anymore into the structure or...unfortunately into our life's pattern from this unrealistic and irrational systemic of anti-social behaviours. And so i've found out by my own experiences that my own struggles are useless to carry on helping others with time. Same application would nail on the common standard of: "We canno't explain everything to everybody." Personally i never judged people/closest friends/my ex partners in their own way to self-destructions in the meanwhile i was supporting them with all means necessary. Although i do use harsh criticism to correct foolish people's behaviour towards cause i deeply concern into our social worldwide community & health care with my fully involvement through many groups, public platforms & charity organizations with my several kind of interventions. {Supporting with my savings and as a volunteer} Plus i believe through my honest analysis to. My point is: Everyone makes mistakes-So it's a common sense to see in them, from our prospective a human weakness whom concern us all. Through nearly my all life my moral ethic obligation pushed myself to rescue damned souls-homeless-understanding why people at certain point of their life stack into sort of "state of desperation" in same rare cases not booze involved. Bottom line: If my duty and my mission to save lives is whole wrong issue? As i receive mostly as gratification only backstabbing? I wonder how to change my role without been feeling selfish and carry on without change my attitude and personality to? Btw, Seattle to add to to the lovely call of San Francisco and Minneapolis too from other unsensed madness reasons.
Wow! You should be something with his video Doc. I didn’t know someone could live in San Francisco and say those kinds of things about what’s happening there. Good on you!
Struggling atm with my spouse who has bipolar. They have self medicated with cannabis which put them in a manic state. They left the house about 2 months ago in the middle of the night and has been living out of their car with some homeless guy they picked up. Homeless guy has been enabling my spouse, telling them that they are fine when they clearly are not while smoking cannabis and not taking their meds (they missed several appt with psychiatrist). My spouse is self destructing from their mental illness. They are refusing to go get treatment, refusing to acknowledge their illness and destroying their relationships with their family. Their father and sister has broken off all contact with them due to their verbal abuse. Not knowing what else to do, I ended up calling the police when my spouse lightly punched me during a verbal altercation in our front yard. They are in jail right now BUT they are in the psych ward getting their much needed meds and getting off the cannabis. My spouse wasn't going to seek help otherwise and I was afraid of what would happen if I let their mental illness run its course.
Was my getting the police involved the right move?
Yes , they would have gone farther downhill without your intervention, and taken your sanity with them , it is not your job to try to fix another at the expense of your well being ,
I did this with a guy who really liked me, who I thought was a friend. I didn’t do anything for him to like me or lead him in in any way I actually talked about other men with him so I was completely surprised. He even told his family I was his girlfriend. I told him I didn’t feel the way he felt towards me and I didn’t want him to waste his time or efforts. Initially that made him more emotional and a little distant but he came to his senses and apologized and admitted that he tend to force things. I let it go. But after I moved he became obsessed with who i was involved with and it became so uncomfortable that i had to cut him off.
I grew up in a family where self destructive behavior was normal. Every one of them had their means- smoking, drinking, over eating. The other family value was “we don’t need help.” This resulted in a lot of slow suicide. It’s taken me years to understand that’s what was wrong, that’s what I fought against. Intervention was attempted but never successful.
Thank you for putting this into words.
Yeah this type of kindness takes courage. Not everyone is willing or secure enough in themselves to go out on a limb and point out what is going wrong in others' lives.
Because then they will likely retort in what they see as a similar fashion. In other words point out your own faults.
That type of conversation is extremely uncomfortable and will dissuade people from reaching out to help.
So, help yourself first. Understand your issues and begin to solve them. Then you can even use that process to deflate the counter attack you will likely hear.
My thoughts exactly, thanks for sharing 👏
So many people view kindness as a weakness, not a strength and they try to take advantage of kind people.
With respect to the alcohol example, some people simply don't care even if you try the schpeel.
I think kindness involves a degree of accountability, but there must be respectful limits nd boundaries as well. I'm not prepared to tolerate endless abuse despite trying to help.
I think you should do a video about conflict avoidance.
I don't have the first kindness in regard to people who have pissed me off prior. Basically, I go like "told you so" or "well well, guess who's reaping what they sowed".
I do have a lot of the second kind of kindness, again, to people whom I deem appropriate. I used to make a whole ass study plan for my friends to raise their grades. Truly busy body works right there.
Agree and disagree, if someone asks for it, show kindness, if someone on his/her way tk destroy them, better avoid them unless you wanna be dragged with them with allegations l/charges
I am binge watching your videos, I wish I had found them sooner! You really have a gift at explaining this stuff. This is slightly off topic for this video but perhaps could be a future video. I am struggling to find how one can be kind but not be seen as weak. As an example, I could be kind to one of my employees as they are going through a difficult time. Almost immediately others will start acting up and trying to push the boundaries too. I have to make an example of one person before the rest get back into line. Any ideas on how one can be kind without coming across as weak?
I’ll be honest with you. That sounds a little silly that being kind to one employee makes the others act poorly. But even if that is the case, all you have to to is maintain the standard if they start acting silly or pushing your boundaries.
If those people think being kind is a weakness, you have to show them it’s not. Meaning that you don’t fold or let them take advantage of that.
Excellent video. Thank you for clarifying what these mean and providing examples. 🙏🏼💖
Being kind is sharing what you have out of your own volition. Being nice is trying to accommodate others to appease them.
In my experience, being nice is more often than not perfunctory. Say, someone wants your note at uni - they will small talk you, they will smile at you, they may compliment you. But behind your back, they may spread gossip about you, etc.
Great definition. True kindness includes letting people know when they are making a mistake, as well as affirming successes. And always without expectation of reciprocation.
I just found out about nice vs, kind having met a man who I thought was nice however I am not sure he was kind. This makes a big difference to me in a relationship and of course with myself.
I agree. There are many situations when we must do something. And much more, than we usualy do.
But there are extreem examples too. I had a patient dying in acut on chronic liver disease caused by alkohol. I asked, what happened. He locked him up in his room with only alkohol and without food or any other drink, and drank himself close to death. His wife didn't do anything, it happened other times too, and he is not somebody to talk with in situations like this. She was even afraid to call help until he was no longer contious. Did she love him? Yes, I know she did. Wasn't she stupid? Yes, she was, she could call help, but she was also afraid, and tired, and she is not a strong personality. Can I judge her? I couldn't.
So it is always important, not to judge anyone, but tell everyone the truths, show their duties, and teach them. May your channel always be a space of truth, love and kindness, as it is, how I see.
Thank you.
I respect your definition. Great commentary.
I came for wisdom and stayed for the great sweater
Inaction, neglect, enabling, or sheltering from consequences are not forms of kindness.
Love your content new here
I love this message and fully agree, but I cannot stop thinking about his sweater... is there a feather coming out on the left??
I've heard someone categorize these 2 states of kindness as "empathy" versus "compassion".
Glad to have found your channel. High quality introspection.
So this is why all advocacy for responsibility is deemed "toxic" to the point even people trying to be responsible for themselves in silence is seen as "bad" or "violent", by acting like this you are taking away their power to rationalize and avoid conflict at the same time they lose the facade of kindness they created for themselves.
Damn now that explains why all the responsible people I knew were given the rough treatment.
Nice has always meant gentleman. Strong enough to be able to afford being kind. Pretty much all discussion about the supposed meaning of nice is the immature view that kindness indicates weakness.
that sweater is amazing
Thanks for the advice, it sounds like I have work to do. Lol I love the part where you said it is not good to let people do self-destructive behavior that is also native negatively affecting your relationship with that person. There is someone who I live with who I cannot stand because I have not been firm and constructively critiquing. All this person knows is that for no reason that they can discern I just hate them now as uncomfortable as it will be to point out their Flaws by doing so I give them the opportunity to improve and our relationship the opportunity to flourish again.
I agree and appreciate the accountability aspect of kindness. How do you suggest going to someone with love that is hurting themselves and others, but is self medicating legitimate pain and suffering and able to access the support they truly need in a timely, ongoing way?
*unable
You might want to check out my episode "How to confront a friend." The example given is not a serious as self-destructive addiction, but the principle remains the same.
The second, more difficult type of kindness is often referred to as "tough love".
I've encountered a lot of judgmental folks who have tried to derail me from my path, because they think my path is unethical. I guess that is the direct opposite of being kind, of the second kind you mentioned.
Thank you! This is going to help so much!
Excellent message of advisory explanation
Brings to mind that song verse… ‘cruel to be kind in the right measure’ (i don’t remember the rest of the song and i do remember that the video was somewhat perplexing).
However : i stand in this Truth
1 Samuel 12:24
“Only fear the LORD, and serve him in truth with all your heart: for consider how great things he hath done for you.”
King James Version (KJV)
To 🗣 ‘stay-in🥾’ w/the indwelling Holy Spirit has a profoundly deep meaning beyond human 🧠comprehension. It requires total Faith & Trust in Christ Jesus as His Disciplined Disciple no matter how other receive &/or perceive you (1 Peter 3:14-22, 4:12-19, John 4:23-24, John 15:5).
Unceasingly 🙏 is the Lifeline (akin to breathing).
Yielding to the indwelling Holy Spirit is Life (♾️🕊️) Essential (Romans 14:8, Philippians 1:20-23).
i remain 🙏❤️🔥👀 upon Jesus as i 🥾after the Spirit (Romans 8) without hesitation &/or trepidation (Ephesians 1:17-19, 3:14-21).
Hebrews 12:27-29 This means that all of creation will be shaken & removed, so that only unshakable things will remain. Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be🙏 & please God by worshiping Him w/holy fear & awe. For our God is a devouring 🔥 (Isaiah 8:13-15).
Galatians 1:10-12 For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. But I certify to you that the gospel which was 🗣/✍️ of me is not after man…(Lisa is taught by Jesus: Acts 1:8, 5:29, John 14:26-27).
John 15:5-6 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in Me & I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without Me ye can do nothing. If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, is withered; & men gather them, & cast them into the 🔥& they are burned.
8 minutes ago a 6.2 magnitude earthquake has hit Kabupaten Aceh Singkil (AC), Indonesia (Northern Sumatra, Indonesia)
1 Samuel 12:24 Only fear the LORD, & serve Him in truth w/all your ❤️🔥: for consider how great things He hath done for you.
2 Samuel 22:33 God is my strength & power: & He maketh my way perfect.
1 Peter 3:14-22, 4:7-19, Romans 8 & 12, John 4:23-24, 10:27-30, 14:26-27, Hebrews 5:9
A 6.02 magnitude earthquake has occurred near Northern Sumatra, Indonesia at 1/15/23, 2:29 PM!
The etymology of "nice" comes from Latin "nesciens", non-knowing. "Nice" has become a plague for certain elements of society. There ought to be a DSM section on hyper-agreeableness. Gets "nice" people into deep trouble.
Orion let’s talk about that sweater! It is awesome. Where did you find it?
Being nice in order to be liked. Have come to find out that it's far more important to be respected than being liked.
At this point in time, best to avoid trying to help others.. sounds cold, but were on our own
I noticed something in your longer videos; in the shorts it's not at all that present. you have your script and that's great, but because of where you keep your display/notes your eyes fall constantly and that's breaking immersion if i can say so 😅 like when the kid in school doesn't really know the lesson all that well and is looking for help, trying to remember or just stalling. that's especially visible when you have to look all the way to your right to read to the end of the line
you could try to either bring the display in line with the camera. that way even if your view falls down it's not that blatant that you have to read from the script.
alternately you could try to lower the camera slightly, give it a bit of a podcast vibe where you're more relaxed. that worked great in some of your shorts. but only slightly cause you don't want that "chin-selfie" angle. and then place the script just above or behind the camera. that way even if your eyes "just wander around the room", it won't look "suspicious" 🙂
just a thought. in the end you have to decide what you like, what works best for you and what "technical"/practical possibilities you have.
great content nonetheless. i discovered your channel several weeks ago and subscribed right away. you bring a lot of value to people who want to better themselves or just to understand the world better.
@@liviuursegr spot on!
Your sweater is inside out dude.
I think it depends on using discernment.🤔❤🇺🇸
Good advice for women too.👍
Great talk!!!
The easiest way to differentiate nice and kind is their general undertone of selfishness vs selflessness. Being nice will often come from a following expectation or potentially manipulative desire. Where kindness is more of a doing the right thing because the principal of it is enough for me to feel good about doing said thing. I haven't watched the video so this should be interesting.
This has literally been the first time I've received a full definition of what kindness is, and it's been helpful.
Thank you.
But I must ask, surely there's nothing wrong with being nice for the honest sake of being good or kind...?
I just think the concept of niceness is getting a bit of an unfair bad rap.
Where'd you get that sweater? It's badass
This is a major one I had to learn.
Thoughtful video. I wanted to know the difference.
May I know where you got that gorgeous sweater from?
you went there on SF. good for you lol
Well said.
Should i stop being kind an having Patients like a saint for wemon?
Love this man. Platonic like. 😁
My definition of being kind is doing something for someone and not expecting anything in return. I’m kind because I like doing for others. Being nice is doing something for someone and expecting something in return. That’s why women don’t like nice guys.
excellent share, Dr. Taraban. One would almost believe you studied scripture based on this theme. When someone is NICE, they are often being superficial in gesture, agreeable, pleasant, and non-confrontational. When someone is KIND, they are often acting benevolently toward another. However, not always in the manner the recipient agrees with.
Scripture does not mention being NICE but suggests being KIND.
Here is an example: "A nice person may tell a neighbor that they are sorry that they are sick - while a kind person may drop off some soup or offer to pick up groceries for them".
Good lesson and great share, Dr. Taraban!
Niceness and kindness are simply the same... but let evil tell you niceness is a negative. Don't be a people pleaser. Make of that what you will.
The solution is not to be unkind. This is easier than it appears.
What is if it’s a stranger u just met n r having conversations
I'll just say that not everyone deserves kindness. There are boundaries to respect in order to get kindness. So to respond to a non-zero amount of people saying that kindness is without expectations, no. It's not that. That would just be called being a doormat. People take advantage of others all the time, so taking that into account, if one is kind without expecting anything in return, that person is going to get stepped on throughout their life.
It basically kind of devolves into a discussion about altruism. Do we really do anything out of altruism ? Long discussion shortened, my stance on that is that no, altruism is strictly always selfish, because we at least get the personal emotional satisfaction of having been a good person. So is the good deed selfless or does it make us feel good ? What is the drive behind being selfless ? Why would we ever do that ? Doesn't make any sense to me.
It's not an argument for being selfish over selfless, but it's a recognition that true altruism doesn't exist. We still should strive to help other people, simply, if we never ever get anything in return, then it's not worth doing.
If a person I hardly know is being self-destructive, but it doesn't impact others, I'm going to tell them once without cruelty, but beyond that, I'm not going to stick my neck out for them. If they can't hear me the first time, I'm wasting my time. Being kind, to me is that. If it impacts others ok, let's have a talk, but if it impacts only themselves, I'm not going to try to help. People don't want to be saved if they can't hear you the first time.
I watched a travel vlog the other day, the dude was in India, got approached by a kid. Instead of giving the kid money, he bought him a meal and a bottle of water (which I was taught to do growing up). Then after that the kid started trying to get more. Actual money. When he said "no", the kid started acting out of line, trying to cause a situation, etc. That traveler had been kind. He was not enabling, and he wasn't nice. Because that kid probably deserved a meal, but nothing more, especially after acting out. Some would argue that even buying him a meal is enabling, and to be honest I wouldn't really have an argument against that, in fact I would agree. But he was the better person, he gave the kid the benefit of the doubt, went for food-water, and then nothing else, because he knew what was going on. But that kid will not stop trying to scam tourists because one of them didn't fall for it. You can't save those kids, certainly not as tourists.
On a personal level, before saying anything, one must first consider the nature of your relationship with the person concerned. That relationship governs what to say and whether to say anything at all. A true friend sometimes has to say hard truths because most other people are mere acquaintances and it’s not their business.
In terms of public policy, the considerations are quite different. SF has gone off the rails because people there have confused personal kindness with what makes for a good society. Public authorities need to take measures to prevent one person’s choices in life damaging other people and the public spaces which everyone has to share. Faeces and drug addicts in the street are as much pollution as pouring toxic waste into the environment.
Love the sweater
Incredible