One of the biggest reasons I struggle with commitment (as an INFP) is because I know how hard it is to let people go, so I’m afraid to get close to new people. I broke up with my ex over 4 years ago and I still broke down 5 months ago when I learned he’s been in a new relationship. I still think back often and wish he’d let me be his friend. Even though I was the one who didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. I have really strong mental attachments.
I have this too, like an ENFP, I took 3 years to totally forgot my firt boyfriend. But now, I'm dating an INFP, hehe, and we both are very commited to each other.
Yeah I have the same with my dogs :/ In the beginning I struggled to attach to them because I know how much it will hurt when they will pass away one day. I lost my dad when I was 26 years old and was very attached to him. My whole world broke down. When I got my dog I knew it will be the same feeling when they pass away. I also lost 2 boyfriends to other women and it still hurts to not be chosen. That is why I dont open up anymore but sometimes I think it is better to have loved than not loved at all.
NFPs, Enneagram 7s, 9s, and 2s usually have the anxiously-preoccupied attachment style and we usually hook up with an avoidant. When I researched the attachment style thoroughly it was much easier to let go. Im an INFP 9w1. She was an INTJ, 1w9, fearful avoidant. Even though Ive read that nines are the best match for ones it still doesn't work when avoidants refuse to integrate their emotions and logically gloss over the painful past. The concrete research gave me clarity and acceptance. Once you see both parties insecurities there's sadness, but hope for a better future for yourself even if that includes possibly no future romantic relationships. As Heide mentioned in her other video, self-regulation is key for us. I'd say also that inner boundaries of differentiating between our woundedness and adult self is an ongoing process.
It's limerence. It's a weird word, but once I started reading about it, as an ENFP, everything clicked. Fi is super prone to limerence. That real world problems quote is great too, nice job.
This also explains why I didn’t feel grief for some family members that were close to me and extreme grief for a friend break up. With my grandpa I didn’t see a future with him, so I had let him go already bc I saw it was his time. With my friend breakup though I was extremely ingrained my identity with them so letting them go led to so much grief.
Ohh when my grandpa died, he was almost 80 and had cancer for a long time. I accepted it almost immediately, I never had a deep bond with him either although I know in his own way he was fond of me. When my dad died, it was a long mourning. I was only 23 and I had hoped he would see me marry and have a child of my own. Conversations with him.. I still miss him.
@@nellautumngirl Yeah, it is for sure different. I lost my dad when I was 26 and he was way too young to pass away, I didnt see it coming at all. When my grandparents passed away, I knew they wanted to leave, they were old and I was prepared for it to happen.... If someone leaves who you think still has a future and memories to make with you, it is way more difficult.
Ouch. INFP and anxiously attached, going through a divorce with a fearful avoidant. Ngl it’s pretty unpleasant. But it’s been a wake up call and very eye opening to the relationship struggles I’ve had all my life.
Yes, letting go of the image of the future. This is how I got over my last ex. Letting go of that future was so painful. But when it went away, I felt a sense of relief.
I have this issue with real life too. Sometimes only when I look back will I realize that I have been living in fantasies instead of what's real in real time and reality.
You are also sharp about giving myself the permission to feel positive, loved, valued. Eventually we can draw a line between what we can get inside us and the warm feelings we associate with another person. That's projection. Whether things go wrong or go right in our life, we don't blame it on anyone else. It's so true for other areas in life too.
After I watch this video of yours, I wanna start to reflect on what is real in my life and my world now. I can no longer escape reality/the now. Reading Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth" and "The Power of Now" helps me get into that state too.
Thank you for this. HUGELY eye opening. I found out someone I loved deeply recently died suddenly. We had decided that we did not bring out the best in each other and have had no contact for some time now( easy to do since he lived on the other side of the world), but just knowing he was out there living his life was comforting. No one in my life ( including me frankly) could understand why his death hit me so hard considering we had said our goodbyes years ago. And the mourning process has been a very lonely one since no one gets it. This explains a lot. Thank you, I feel a little less odd about it. Also knowing the comfort I was getting all those years was something I could/can give myself minus him makes so much sense. That we use other people for permission to feel positive is something I'd never heard nor thought of. Brilliant.
SAME, I also had someone pass away very suddenly....and he was supplying me with comfort, that as long as he is here the world is ok.....it hasn't been for a while now....
@@cindylou2429 Sorry for the delayed response, just seeing this now. I hope things are slightly better today than when you wrote this. We DO have the comfort inside of ourselves. I know I just had to learn to tap into it. And that really is a gift because another person may not always be there, but we always have ourselves.
@@ellenh278 I am in a better place 🤗💗 I've been learning a lot of hard lessons lately...but God has shown me that he is in control and he gots me. it's such a relief 😂. yes your right, we can always trust and depend on ourselves. I've been working on creating a relationship with myself, and it's going to be an incredible journey. 💗💗🌼
edit: 13:22 I totally feel called out... Thank you for this video. I am an anxious preoccupied INFP with a dismissive avoidant ENTJ that I love dearly but the relationship is tough sometimes. I am still in love with the honeymoon phase version of him, and we had several plans to do things together and were very tender and loving to each other before the avoidance starting setting in more and more, and now all of the lovey stuff stopped. Sometimes I am excited to meet the loving tender person still in my head every day and then when I do irl I am reminded that the relationship is a bit toxic sometimes (not blaming him, its both of us toxic for each other). Our relationship could most definitely work if he was willing to work on the da stuff but he is unwilling at this point in his life, so things unfortunately won't get better. But I am still so attached to him because of my anxious tendencies and the version of him in my head even when I recognize that some days he clearly doesn't want to talk to me and wants his alone time. Its so hard...
This is so hard for me. The one I am struggling with the most is my estranged daughter-- it brings me so much grief to try to let her go. I don't see how I could ever let go of the fantasy future where we reconcile and have a happy family life.
This is *exactly* what I'm going through 😭 and I didn't know it until you put it so clearly into words. I see now that becoming attached to an idealized future with a person has been a pattern of mine over the years. Thank you for helping me get clearer on this. Maybe it'll be easier to process now. Being an ENFP is rich and rewarding and tough at the same time.
As an INFP, I appreciate the way you explained this concept. A year ago, I broke up with my boyfriend and moved back to my hometown in another state. My decision had been a long time coming, so by the time I made the move it was surprisingly easy and very positive for me personally. We kept in casual contact for several months until I moved into an apartment by myself and started *really* feeling the grief. I began to reach out more and have since gone back to visit him once. Things are pretty much the same between us (i.e. same problems, same strengths) and I still feel rather triggered by his dysfunction. What makes it so difficult for me to let go of our future dreams and plans is that HE also still shares and relies on them 100%. I'm aware that this is holding me back emotionally, yet I continue to hold space for this future. I suppose it's just easier to move toward a future that feels known and safe. I oscillate on almost a daily basis between wanting to co-create that future with him and resolving to move in a new direction.
Do you feel getting back together with him will hold you back from something? I read from your comment that you somehow feel intrigued by moving into a new direction. What do you hope will happen when you move on from him? What could be the advantage of letting go, what could you create for yourself what you cant do with him? You said you had some problems in the relationship, they might hold you back from something.... Could be inner peace, could be a new more satisfying relationship, could be emotional independence to pursue other goals... I read your comment and was intrigued to answer and share my thoughts :)
When I was younger my pet fish died suddenly (I was just a kiddo and didn't understand what I do now about fish keeping). I was distraught. And I couldn't figure out why I was so sad. It wasn't like I could pet the fish or anything, and I had lost pets before. What it really came down to was this was *my* pet, and I was mourning the future I had envisioned with the fish. It sounds silly perhaps, but I was going to get it a bigger tank and some new decorations, maybe even a plant. I even had some fish-related inventions I wanted to try because that's the kind of kid I was. Even if I got another fish it wasn't the same future. I've never heard anyone else describe that before. It's good to be reminded that it happens with human relationships too, I've definitely been holding onto one that I could stand to let go. Thank you.
15:34 wow 😳 honestly the only thing I'm holding onto is the fantasy. I physically left 4 months ago but mentally long before that. But I just cannot let go of that fantasy. Maybe this video will help... What an eye-opener.
Disenfranchised grief, is the name Brene Brown identified for the invisible losses, as you state the loss of a plan for someone and "Atlas of the Heart" has the example of divorce; all the loss that comes with the separation of two lives. It's real. Thank you for this video; loved Soul Bootcamp.
For a good reference to the Pedestal status accorded the beloved and Fantasy realm of the imagination, check out the lyrics to The Carpenters' very INFP song, Close To You, feeding and intensifying the beautiful dream: On the day that you were born the angels got together, And decided to create a dream come true. So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold And starlight in your eyes of blue! 🎇
Thank you Heidi! I like to believe that I’m self aware, but my inner creations/constructs about relationships always seemed so real. I guess this can also apply to negative perceptions of those close to us. A few years ago, a close colleague I worked with for over a decade died. I had been out of touch with him equally long. I was only when I was faced with the stark reality of his passing did I truly grieve. For his death and my absence. In many ways he was closer than a friend. We spent a great deal of time together and he was supportive of me on many occasions. He was also a somewhat difficult person, but deeply good. He really influenced who I am today and I am sad that I was not there when he went into the void. It’s difficult for me to distinguish my inner and outer worlds. Makes for a colourful life.
Holy smokes! I needed that. I’m literally going through this exact thing. And had to really acknowledge the projections that we’re keeping me stuck in a relationship that I had long ago found to be unhealthy.
Letting go of relationships and even with jobs is excruciating for me. In my personal life ghosting has been easier than being up front and honest. It hasn't happened much, but it has and I know I've hurt some people.
This was so good to hear! I have this problem but somehow the other way round. I often avoid keeping in touch with people with whom I had a really good time/ whom I really like but am not quiet friends with yet: because the fantasy version i created of them and the relationship I have with them in my mind is so great, that I'm scared to destroy this version with real life experience.
Are you sure its because you are scared of destroying the version in your head or are you scared that YOU yourself are going to destroy something with them in reality?
A song that reminds of this 'Fi' idea of letting the idea of someone go is 'Santa Monica Dream' by Angus and Julia Stone. "Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine You tell me stories of the sea And the ones you left behind Goodbye to the roses on your street Goodbye to the paintings on your wall Goodbye to the children we'll never meet And the ones we left behind And the ones we left behind"
This makes so much sense to me. I’m an INFP and right now I’m having a hard time grieving a person that broke my heart but we had just one date. Why am I so sad if I didn’t even know him well at all? Because in my head he was my person, I imagined a future, in my head he felt the same way for me. I notice that when I meet someone i really like my mind starts making this scenarios where everything is perfect so the meaning of that specific person is way stronger in my heart that should be in reality. That’s why I suffer so much almost to the point of depression.
10:39 I was really going like HOLY COW IS SHE GOING TO DROP THE BIGGEST F-BOMB 😂🔥🔥🔥 For real though, this video was made specifically for people like me, I am so called out on my fantasy representation of people I love, this is a sharp but welcome reality check. Thank you for the content once more
Yes, most of the time we think the person is something that they really arent because we are projecting our own good will and hopes onto this person. There are actually people out there who are better matches in real life and not only in our fantasy.
This was the source of the few unhealthy attachments I’ve had with some people, and although those are long solved, I *know* this video would’ve helped me back then :) Though I’m happy I get to see this now! Will improve my life moving forward, thank you 🌻 -ENFP
as an ENFP and anxiously attached person who just went through a breakup these videos are such a lifesaver! your frequent uploads are literally the highlight of my day, useful info every time
Thanks Heidi for this key for letting go.. For me, it s the need to feel respected and considerated that steel attaches me to my ex.. I didn t tell her my feelings for not being respected, so it pursues me.. but now I see that if I manage to be respected with other people in my day to day life, I will be able to let go this only virtual link that still attaches me to her..😅 "Real problems always have solutions. Unreal problems never have solutions." Great quote! Thanks again for your wonderfull job helping us! Greg
Thank you. Excellent thoughts that are mirrored by life experience. I have definitely had some relationships that were basically dead a long time before they were over. Lots of food for thought here.
Once an ENFP lets go, they can rebound pretty fast. Like, if they break up with someone in the morning, they might wait until the afternoon before starting a new relationship, maybe. INFPs tend to take their time and process and re-process and over-process everything that happened in the old relationship before moving on. This can take years.
Im an enfp, and what youre missing here is that when that happens with an enfp, its bc they did all that within the relationship for years processing and reanalyzing everything,we do that either before breaking up if its a serious committed relationship that lasts months or years (usually cycling on and off) at that point weve been through over analyzing every little details 100billion times by the time we really let go for good and are completely convinced there is nothing more we could say or do to make this work, then when its done and we let go its for good and could start a new relationship later that noght with someone we meet while were out bc our heart is free by then... or were scared that they dont care or love us and arent as invested and dont really want us or our relationship to work out ,then defensively we may go out with friends or open a dating app etc right after the break up to try to distract ourselves but that literally only last a day or a week or 2 at most then we tell whoever were yalkign to that were not over our ex or ready to see any men etc then we spend every day and night for days weeks months and years .if we truly saw and wanted a futurw with this person and may pine for someone for 7years ,maybe 3 years rhey have no idea and then you finally reach out year 4... and its messy ... and well we do that too,dont let it fool you if h You see some pictures of an enfp out socializing on social media dancing with men or women etc ,that could be the first time they went out all year bc they're at home and alone with the idea of you and your relationship and at wat with themselves over it *even if you see them dating another person at some point *dont assume that theyre not secretly wishing it wws you and tryign to move on but break it offafter a month or two bc no matter how hard they tried it just doesnt feel like they want it to we struggle to move on from you if we ever loved you ...men that ive been in love with (or ate-last what i thought was being in love at the time), one took 8 years to let go of after one year of on and off dating and 7years of trying to be friends ... the other was a 3 month relationship im still not completely over 8years later ,im ready for and wanting something new and i know that relationship was toxic my emotional needs werent being met in either relationship and i wasnt happy ... but everything in this video is 10000% true so dont assume you understand enfps and judge us as moving on the same day when were struggling to cope -tryign to distract ourselves feom the pain and frustration and what trying to move on looks like --looks can be deceiving--remember this is an enfp making this video so it's obviously true for us too not just infps ot we wouldnt be able to talk about it and understand it so much ,we can and do bc we live it ... and sometimes that looks like us going into social isolation for days weeks months or years (usually when were older and our friends are all in couples and we are old enough to know that doesnt work in the long run) and others it means trying to distract ourselves and force ourselves not to ruminate about them and the relationship by going out and flirting with new people and trying to get into a new relationship (usually what it looks like in our 20s or younger/when most of our friends are single)
Thank you so much for the video and would have been great if I watched this 2years ago before I come to realize all these by myself and going through all the emotional rollercoaster. Glad that I am on the right track. Thanks so much. And this magic tips also let us be more courageous in new relationships as we know what is going on in our minds. 😊
Wow, this made so much sense to me. Especially when you hit on that, “permission” point. I have always felt like I needed “permission” to do things that would make things easier for me. I’ve often searched for outside approval to make decisions that made me uncomfortable. I would endure these issues until someone would say something that would help me “reset” my mindset and pursued me to take the steps I really wanted to take, but didn’t feel like it was a real option beforehand. It was like I didn’t want even the slightest possibility that I might end up being rude and bring discomfort to anyone, even if it was just all in my head. Thank you so much for explaining this and giving us some good exercises to help separate reality from idealism.
As an INFP with a spouse that in many ways I would like to walk away from but, am filled with grief when ever I think of actually letting her go this makes more sense than anything I’ve ever heard or thought of.
I'm super cautious who I let in my life for this very reason. It just becomes a huge problem. If I cut someone off though, it's like they literally disappear from my awareness.
Thanks Heidi, making the distinction between reality and imagined versions of people and relationships is really insightful and had me laughing out loud at myself. Where I would differ or at least add to your advice at the end is that these fantasies are emotional addictions and yes, we can recognise the feeling / want / need and find new strategies to fulfill it but that is ultimately creating another band aid. While going for a walk is a healthier coping mechanism than a couple beers it is still not getting you to the root of the issue which in my experience has to be embodied in its full felt intensity to be released
cant express how lucky and happy I feel about finding your channel!! You help me understand myself and processing things I wasnt able to verbalize. my favorite quote of this video: "it is not kind or loving for either of you to keep that fantasy hostage in order to keep suiting yourself with that fantasy."
So few people understand Fi - I really appreciate this. I still have an inner relationship with my high school boyfriend and I am 62! Definitely a dissociative, unhealthy fantasy.
Hi Heidi! As always, your content always matches perfectly the situations I'm in. Very complicated relation I've been in has come to an end. I've moved out, I don't see this person now everyday, don't have long, meaningful talks and all. All the relations I've been in in the past were indeed more rooted in my head and amplified by my fantasies. The problem with this one is, I've never created fantasy about it. It just came out of nowhere, daily rituals, reality which was better than I could've ever imagined. It didn't came from me, but from this person. And now, the drama part, this person is in a long-term relationship. Maybe I could've stayed around to make him realize we're worth it. But I couldn't keep doing it. Being with this person felt like the best high I've ever had, but then the coming off part was leaving me devastated.. So he made the decision to stick with the thing he knows, the relation he grew used to even though he knows it's not fulfilling. And I moved out. I think it's just now when I start to develop the fantasies about it. Any tips on how to defuse this time bomb? BTW he is ExFP (he used to be typed as enfp, but then it changed to esfp?) and I'm xNFP (I always have problem with telling the order of my cognitive functions, but I'm leaning more towards infp).
This video deserves a million likes. Substantial, ON POINT and hella insightful! Thank you!!! I have always had so much difficulty in letting people go and now I can totally understand why.
Daaaaaamn this is so hard to let go, the fantasy is so perfect in my head, why do my brain is so good optimizing the future with my ex :( , thank you for putting words on what I feel, making sense into my protect mechanisms.
Well said . Some remarks : when I hear you say ' all it is ' or ' it's just ' ..... I take issue or let's say, I find that problematic. You are such a master of wording , perhaps there is a way to talk about these experiences without the need to minimise them in somewhat . Thanks for all your good work.
Oh my, I’m gonna have to watch this several times. The fantasy or representation of another…that is my mother in law. I have a very active, conflicted, complex relationship with her…in my mind!!! I don’t actually see her very much, because we are not very close emotionally, though I feel like I want to be, and then sometimes I don’t! Have come to realise recently that it’s my own mother wounds that I project into her…but the fantasy element is expanding my perspective right now. I’m sure it’ll get me closer to letting the mother fantasy go. The one where she’ll open up her heart to me. Yes I gotta grieve.
Thanks a lot for this video, as well as the one about healthy vs unhealthy fantasies. I came across the concept of limerence some time ago, and it helped me understand a bit what was going on with my invasive daydreaming about men I had barely met. With these videos I see now why I was suffering so much when the relationship stopped and why I would keep believing I needed to get back with them. I actually bond with a comforting representation of them, when often I’ve been unimpressed (or even appalled) by what they said or did in real life. I have the impression that any disappointment taking place in the beginning of the real life relationship actually works like a switch that starts the construction of the “better” representation of that person in my mind, usually together with a scenario where our common future is exciting, and it helps me tolerate the stuff I don’t like about them in reality. It’s quite liberating to realise that!
I have Adhd and I am INFP and I am watching you like you actualy describe me so well. You might have Adhd as well way to think and expanding the subject way I do. I do agree what ever you say you had to feell good abouth what are you doing make interesting to get things done. When ever I do things I put in timer and try to get it done in that time frame it's childish but it's works. Thank you for your hard work to make this video This is eye opener. enjoyed
All what you say is accurate, but if I create a bad idea of a person even if she's my friend, I can be really quick by separating myself. I mean, if I start to imagine a bad future or a bad idea of that person, I can be more focused on reality and also really introspective with introverted feeling, so let go can be easy somehow.
This is so good and helpful. And the fantasy v reality is on both sides positives and negatives. Actually also the pain they cause/trigger in reality can also be tough to let go of as the fantasy has been the balm with which to tolerated it. Arg! 👍
This rings so true in my experience. But, I wonder if I'm doing the reverse now...tainting the present with my anticipation of a negative future. Basically, I'm playing out current negative events into the future, where they grow and evolve, which makes the present and workable issues seem unbearable. I'm not sure if these thoughts of a gloomier future are making me cut bait early, or if it is appropriate timing vs. my leaving way too late like I did in my past relationship. Conflicted.
I wanna thank you for this video. Im currently in the process of getting over my relationship that ended a couple days ago and I notice that educating myself on my mind helps a lot. Your videos are very educational to me but I do find them hard to follow if I really want to understand everything, because so much happens and I'm still not fully familiar with the entire MBTI stuff . It's not so much feedback but it's just something that I personally struggle with. I notice taking this video moment by moments and writing things down helps a lot, something I dont regularly do lmao. But you can still take it as feedback if you want of course. Still, thank you. Understanding my mind is helping me get over her.
Hello, I am currently someone going through a heartbreak. I do realize my mistakes in the relationship and finally after a month of no contact, I texted my previous partner that I'm apologize for my actions. I did this because I did realize my mistakes and I had to take accountability for my part. I didn't receive anything and I'm somewhere glad to know that they have moved ahead. I'm just stuck on this, struggling with this fantasy of the future I wished to share. I see you've commented 11 months ago, I hope you are doing well now. Please could you share your experience with me. I'd be grateful 💕
Someone who speaks slower is The Crappy Childhood Fairy and Pete Walker. Heidi is amazing. So smart. But you may need a slower presentation if you’re new to the psychology of attachment and trauma.
@@apala09 Hey! Im glad to say Ive mostly moved on. She was my first girlfriend and it will probably always hurt a little, but nothing bad. 2 weeks ago I found out she was in a new relationship and that did hurt a bit but after 2-3 days I got over it and I even think less about her than before. I realized I cant fantasize about being with her anymore (Something I was subconciously still doing) because she's with someone else. I also started therapy in the meantime because I learned I have plenty more issues Ive never worked through. That breakup helped me realize that and Im on the path to becoming healthier and happier than Ive ever been before. Im sorry about your breakup, they suck and can bring you unimaginable pain. And it might be hard to even think of letting go but with time it will get better. Learning about yourself and your past mistakes is invaluable for your future. You WILL have a future! And it will probably be better than you think, especially if you keep reflecting on yourself and keep growing! I hope you're alright, if you want to talk Im here for you!
@@Cchibba thank you for being so kind! I'm getting better and I only wish to become more sure of myself. I believe it will be a long journey and I have to unlearn so many things too. I'm not really ready to learn that my previous partner has moved ahead because it would break my heart but when i read your comment it gives me peace that when the other person moves ahead you eventually let go of all the fantasies that we tend to create. thank you, I'll use this as a reason to move ahead- i will believe that my partner has moved forward with someone new.
@@apala09 Take your time! No need to rush anything. I know you'd rather want the pain over as soon as possibe and are looking for any way to do that. And trying to move on is definitely a good thing, but trust in your feelings. Its okay to still be in pain
Thank you for explaining this to me. I thought I had some kind of disorder like Limerence but then I read about that and found it was more to do with crushes on celebrities or things like that.
This is mind blowing! Every fantasy video I watch reveals a new layer and heals a part of it. I've heard and I've thought almost all of it before, and yet hearing it now from you has somehow made it more real. Watching these videos makes me feel present, ready to see , like really feel-see not just know consciously, what I've been doing. Thank you...!
Ugh So need this!!! ENFP here And once I commit I have such a hard time letting people go. And I can b super hot or cold. U reject me , I become the ice /brick wall queen
Very recently gone and am going through this and learning how to manage. It hurts knowing thats the truth and that the fantasy isnt the reality of it. Im happy to know how I function tho
2:07 I’m infp and a little bit intp, I relate to that a LOOT, my imagination picture of person is always pretty much more than the person is actually… because I’m sensitive to peoples characteristic details and I can find anything adorable. That’s why I used to attach to things too much…Trough learning my way of thinking I bacame to understand my mindset better for real. Things I judged in myself became so easy to understand and validate and so it’s easier to move on from.))
I remember thinking to myself "I will follow u where ever you go and won't let you go I swear, I will even become your neighbor" about a certain friend 😔
The happiness didn’t come from them; it came from you
One of the biggest reasons I struggle with commitment (as an INFP) is because I know how hard it is to let people go, so I’m afraid to get close to new people. I broke up with my ex over 4 years ago and I still broke down 5 months ago when I learned he’s been in a new relationship. I still think back often and wish he’d let me be his friend. Even though I was the one who didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. I have really strong mental attachments.
Feel you. Hope you're better now. :)
I feel you. I'm INFP too
I have this too, like an ENFP, I took 3 years to totally forgot my firt boyfriend. But now, I'm dating an INFP, hehe, and we both are very commited to each other.
It was 8 yrs for me. A sure sign to me I was doing something wrong, but I never got a good enough grip on it until this video.
Yeah I have the same with my dogs :/ In the beginning I struggled to attach to them because I know how much it will hurt when they will pass away one day. I lost my dad when I was 26 years old and was very attached to him. My whole world broke down. When I got my dog I knew it will be the same feeling when they pass away. I also lost 2 boyfriends to other women and it still hurts to not be chosen. That is why I dont open up anymore but sometimes I think it is better to have loved than not loved at all.
NFPs, Enneagram 7s, 9s, and 2s usually have the anxiously-preoccupied attachment style and we usually hook up with an avoidant. When I researched the attachment style thoroughly it was much easier to let go. Im an INFP 9w1. She was an INTJ, 1w9, fearful avoidant. Even though Ive read that nines are the best match for ones it still doesn't work when avoidants refuse to integrate their emotions and logically gloss over the painful past. The concrete research gave me clarity and acceptance. Once you see both parties insecurities there's sadness, but hope for a better future for yourself even if that includes possibly no future romantic relationships. As Heide mentioned in her other video, self-regulation is key for us. I'd say also that inner boundaries of differentiating between our woundedness and adult self is an ongoing process.
It's limerence. It's a weird word, but once I started reading about it, as an ENFP, everything clicked. Fi is super prone to limerence. That real world problems quote is great too, nice job.
Looking at the definition, it made me angry as an ENFP.
Yeah, as an INFP, when I was exposed to the term “Limerence” it made me realized that I’ve been doing my life all wrong 😂
@@Korany Tell me about, been feeling it since I was 10 years old. Only been in 1 serious relationship. :p
Definitely can relate
Not even sure how much of it real now but definitely feels like a protective mechanism
Wow.... Remaining in something that doesn't work for us, because our Fi version of them is keeping us warm... That's insanely accurate...!!
This also explains why I didn’t feel grief for some family members that were close to me and extreme grief for a friend break up. With my grandpa I didn’t see a future with him, so I had let him go already bc I saw it was his time. With my friend breakup though I was extremely ingrained my identity with them so letting them go led to so much grief.
oh my god this is eye opening
Ohh when my grandpa died, he was almost 80 and had cancer for a long time. I accepted it almost immediately, I never had a deep bond with him either although I know in his own way he was fond of me. When my dad died, it was a long mourning. I was only 23 and I had hoped he would see me marry and have a child of my own. Conversations with him.. I still miss him.
same !
@@nellautumngirl Yeah, it is for sure different. I lost my dad when I was 26 and he was way too young to pass away, I didnt see it coming at all. When my grandparents passed away, I knew they wanted to leave, they were old and I was prepared for it to happen.... If someone leaves who you think still has a future and memories to make with you, it is way more difficult.
Some people are like clouds. The day gets a little brighter when they disappear.
That awkward moment when you realize that 95%+ of what you're mourning is the made up stuff 😕
hug
Ouch. INFP and anxiously attached, going through a divorce with a fearful avoidant. Ngl it’s pretty unpleasant. But it’s been a wake up call and very eye opening to the relationship struggles I’ve had all my life.
Yes, letting go of the image of the future.
This is how I got over my last ex. Letting go of that future was so painful. But when it went away, I felt a sense of relief.
I have this issue with real life too. Sometimes only when I look back will I realize that I have been living in fantasies instead of what's real in real time and reality.
And I agree that fantasizing a future also results from escaping my issues in reality.
You are also sharp about giving myself the permission to feel positive, loved, valued. Eventually we can draw a line between what we can get inside us and the warm feelings we associate with another person. That's projection.
Whether things go wrong or go right in our life, we don't blame it on anyone else. It's so true for other areas in life too.
Accepting reality and the real world is such a relief! Not living inside my own mind is such a relief!
After I watch this video of yours, I wanna start to reflect on what is real in my life and my world now. I can no longer escape reality/the now.
Reading Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth" and "The Power of Now" helps me get into that state too.
Thank you for this. HUGELY eye opening. I found out someone I loved deeply recently died suddenly. We had decided that we did not bring out the best in each other and have had no contact for some time now( easy to do since he lived on the other side of the world), but just knowing he was out there living his life was comforting. No one in my life ( including me frankly) could understand why his death hit me so hard considering we had said our goodbyes years ago. And the mourning process has been a very lonely one since no one gets it. This explains a lot. Thank you, I feel a little less odd about it.
Also knowing the comfort I was getting all those years was something I could/can give myself minus him makes so much sense. That we use other people for permission to feel positive is something I'd never heard nor thought of. Brilliant.
SAME, I also had someone pass away very suddenly....and he was supplying me with comfort, that as long as he is here the world is ok.....it hasn't been for a while now....
@@cindylou2429 Sorry for the delayed response, just seeing this now. I hope things are slightly better today than when you wrote this. We DO have the comfort inside of ourselves. I know I just had to learn to tap into it. And that really is a gift because another person may not always be there, but we always have ourselves.
@@ellenh278 I am in a better place 🤗💗 I've been learning a lot of hard lessons lately...but God has shown me that he is in control and he gots me. it's such a relief 😂.
yes your right, we can always trust and depend on ourselves. I've been working on creating a relationship with myself, and it's going to be an incredible journey. 💗💗🌼
@@cindylou2429 I'm glad to hear you are moving in the right direction.
edit: 13:22 I totally feel called out...
Thank you for this video. I am an anxious preoccupied INFP with a dismissive avoidant ENTJ that I love dearly but the relationship is tough sometimes. I am still in love with the honeymoon phase version of him, and we had several plans to do things together and were very tender and loving to each other before the avoidance starting setting in more and more, and now all of the lovey stuff stopped. Sometimes I am excited to meet the loving tender person still in my head every day and then when I do irl I am reminded that the relationship is a bit toxic sometimes (not blaming him, its both of us toxic for each other). Our relationship could most definitely work if he was willing to work on the da stuff but he is unwilling at this point in his life, so things unfortunately won't get better. But I am still so attached to him because of my anxious tendencies and the version of him in my head even when I recognize that some days he clearly doesn't want to talk to me and wants his alone time. Its so hard...
This is so hard for me. The one I am struggling with the most is my estranged daughter-- it brings me so much grief to try to let her go. I don't see how I could ever let go of the fantasy future where we reconcile and have a happy family life.
This is *exactly* what I'm going through 😭 and I didn't know it until you put it so clearly into words. I see now that becoming attached to an idealized future with a person has been a pattern of mine over the years. Thank you for helping me get clearer on this. Maybe it'll be easier to process now. Being an ENFP is rich and rewarding and tough at the same time.
As an INFP, I appreciate the way you explained this concept. A year ago, I broke up with my boyfriend and moved back to my hometown in another state. My decision had been a long time coming, so by the time I made the move it was surprisingly easy and very positive for me personally. We kept in casual contact for several months until I moved into an apartment by myself and started *really* feeling the grief. I began to reach out more and have since gone back to visit him once. Things are pretty much the same between us (i.e. same problems, same strengths) and I still feel rather triggered by his dysfunction. What makes it so difficult for me to let go of our future dreams and plans is that HE also still shares and relies on them 100%. I'm aware that this is holding me back emotionally, yet I continue to hold space for this future. I suppose it's just easier to move toward a future that feels known and safe. I oscillate on almost a daily basis between wanting to co-create that future with him and resolving to move in a new direction.
Do you feel getting back together with him will hold you back from something? I read from your comment that you somehow feel intrigued by moving into a new direction. What do you hope will happen when you move on from him? What could be the advantage of letting go, what could you create for yourself what you cant do with him? You said you had some problems in the relationship, they might hold you back from something.... Could be inner peace, could be a new more satisfying relationship, could be emotional independence to pursue other goals... I read your comment and was intrigued to answer and share my thoughts :)
When I was younger my pet fish died suddenly (I was just a kiddo and didn't understand what I do now about fish keeping). I was distraught. And I couldn't figure out why I was so sad. It wasn't like I could pet the fish or anything, and I had lost pets before.
What it really came down to was this was *my* pet, and I was mourning the future I had envisioned with the fish. It sounds silly perhaps, but I was going to get it a bigger tank and some new decorations, maybe even a plant. I even had some fish-related inventions I wanted to try because that's the kind of kid I was. Even if I got another fish it wasn't the same future.
I've never heard anyone else describe that before. It's good to be reminded that it happens with human relationships too, I've definitely been holding onto one that I could stand to let go. Thank you.
Wow! How simple and TRUE. Yet I never would have seen it on my own. But it's clear enough, now, to be actionable. Thanks, Heide!
15:34 wow 😳 honestly the only thing I'm holding onto is the fantasy. I physically left 4 months ago but mentally long before that. But I just cannot let go of that fantasy. Maybe this video will help... What an eye-opener.
This explains ALL my past relationships. Wow. Thank you for this video
Disenfranchised grief, is the name Brene Brown identified for the invisible losses, as you state the loss of a plan for someone and "Atlas of the Heart" has the example of divorce; all the loss that comes with the separation of two lives.
It's real.
Thank you for this video; loved Soul Bootcamp.
I wish I heard this 10 years ago!
For real sigh
For a good reference to the Pedestal status accorded the beloved and Fantasy realm of the imagination, check out the lyrics to The Carpenters' very INFP song, Close To You, feeding and intensifying the beautiful dream:
On the day that you were born the angels got together,
And decided to create a dream come true.
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue! 🎇
So spot on & just in the right time - as always. Letting go a "fantasy", f. e. a plan with someone, is a tough one 🙈
Right about timing on videos, bizarre sometimes. Must be our ENFP club energy.
Eye opening for sure. Explains how I lived my life because I wasn't able to cope with the reality as a kid. Became a habit.
Oh my...Nobody ever explained this disattachment struggles of Fi people this insightfully to me...Thank you so much
Thank you Heidi! I like to believe that I’m self aware, but my inner creations/constructs about relationships always seemed so real. I guess this can also apply to negative perceptions of those close to us. A few years ago, a close colleague I worked with for over a decade died. I had been out of touch with him equally long. I was only when I was faced with the stark reality of his passing did I truly grieve. For his death and my absence.
In many ways he was closer than a friend. We spent a great deal of time together and he was supportive of me on many occasions. He was also a somewhat difficult person, but deeply good. He really influenced who I am today and I am sad that I was not there when he went into the void. It’s difficult for me to distinguish my inner and outer worlds. Makes for a colourful life.
As an XNFP i needed to hear this, thank you sooooo much, I just wish I can afford your bootcamp for more.
Holy smokes! I needed that. I’m literally going through this exact thing. And had to really acknowledge the projections that we’re keeping me stuck in a relationship that I had long ago found to be unhealthy.
Letting go of relationships and even with jobs is excruciating for me. In my personal life ghosting has been easier than being up front and honest. It hasn't happened much, but it has and I know I've hurt some people.
This was so good to hear! I have this problem but somehow the other way round. I often avoid keeping in touch with people with whom I had a really good time/ whom I really like but am not quiet friends with yet: because the fantasy version i created of them and the relationship I have with them in my mind is so great, that I'm scared to destroy this version with real life experience.
My ENFP mind goes that direction w some relationships too.
Another Ani who’s also an ENFP?!
@@anistepanosyan7297 Ani DiFranco too
Are you sure its because you are scared of destroying the version in your head or are you scared that YOU yourself are going to destroy something with them in reality?
A song that reminds of this 'Fi' idea of letting the idea of someone go is 'Santa Monica Dream' by Angus and Julia Stone.
"Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream
Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine
You tell me stories of the sea
And the ones you left behind
Goodbye to the roses on your street
Goodbye to the paintings on your wall
Goodbye to the children we'll never meet
And the ones we left behind
And the ones we left behind"
This makes so much sense to me. I’m an INFP and right now I’m having a hard time grieving a person that broke my heart but we had just one date. Why am I so sad if I didn’t even know him well at all? Because in my head he was my person, I imagined a future, in my head he felt the same way for me. I notice that when I meet someone i really like my mind starts making this scenarios where everything is perfect so the meaning of that specific person is way stronger in my heart that should be in reality. That’s why I suffer so much almost to the point of depression.
10:39 I was really going like HOLY COW IS SHE GOING TO DROP THE BIGGEST F-BOMB 😂🔥🔥🔥
For real though, this video was made specifically for people like me, I am so called out on my fantasy representation of people I love, this is a sharp but welcome reality check. Thank you for the content once more
Yes, most of the time we think the person is something that they really arent because we are projecting our own good will and hopes onto this person. There are actually people out there who are better matches in real life and not only in our fantasy.
This was the source of the few unhealthy attachments I’ve had with some people, and although those are long solved, I *know* this video would’ve helped me back then :)
Though I’m happy I get to see this now! Will improve my life moving forward, thank you 🌻
-ENFP
This is incredibly insightful. Quality content.
Bravo!
-A grateful INFP-A male that struggles with this.
Wow... right around 12:30 really gutted me holy shot! You got a new subscriber 🎉
as an ENFP and anxiously attached person who just went through a breakup these videos are such a lifesaver! your frequent uploads are literally the highlight of my day, useful info every time
There too.
Thanks Heidi for this key for letting go..
For me, it s the need to feel respected and considerated that steel attaches me to my ex.. I didn t tell her my feelings for not being respected, so it pursues me.. but now I see that if I manage to be respected with other people in my day to day life, I will be able to let go this only virtual link that still attaches me to her..😅
"Real problems always have solutions. Unreal problems never have solutions." Great quote!
Thanks again for your wonderfull job helping us!
Greg
Thank you. Excellent thoughts that are mirrored by life experience. I have definitely had some relationships that were basically dead a long time before they were over. Lots of food for thought here.
Once an ENFP lets go, they can rebound pretty fast. Like, if they break up with someone in the morning, they might wait until the afternoon before starting a new relationship, maybe. INFPs tend to take their time and process and re-process and over-process everything that happened in the old relationship before moving on. This can take years.
Im an enfp, and what youre missing here is that when that happens with an enfp, its bc they did all that within the relationship for years processing and reanalyzing everything,we do that either before breaking up if its a serious committed relationship that lasts months or years (usually cycling on and off) at that point weve been through over analyzing every little details 100billion times by the time we really let go for good and are completely convinced there is nothing more we could say or do to make this work, then when its done and we let go its for good and could start a new relationship later that noght with someone we meet while were out bc our heart is free by then... or were scared that they dont care or love us and arent as invested and dont really want us or our relationship to work out ,then defensively we may go out with friends or open a dating app etc right after the break up to try to distract ourselves but that literally only last a day or a week or 2 at most then we tell whoever were yalkign to that were not over our ex or ready to see any men etc then we spend every day and night for days weeks months and years .if we truly saw and wanted a futurw with this person and may pine for someone for 7years ,maybe 3 years rhey have no idea and then you finally reach out year 4... and its messy ... and well we do that too,dont let it fool you if h
You see some pictures of an enfp out socializing on social media dancing with men or women etc ,that could be the first time they went out all year bc they're at home and alone with the idea of you and your relationship and at wat with themselves over it *even if you see them dating another person at some point *dont assume that theyre not secretly wishing it wws you and tryign to move on but break it offafter a month or two bc no matter how hard they tried it just doesnt feel like they want it to we struggle to move on from you if we ever loved you ...men that ive been in love with (or ate-last what i thought was being in love at the time), one took 8 years to let go of after one year of on and off dating and 7years of trying to be friends ... the other was a 3 month relationship im still not completely over 8years later ,im ready for and wanting something new and i know that relationship was toxic my emotional needs werent being met in either relationship and i wasnt happy ... but everything in this video is 10000% true so dont assume you understand enfps and judge us as moving on the same day when were struggling to cope -tryign to distract ourselves feom the pain and frustration and what trying to move on looks like --looks can be deceiving--remember this is an enfp making this video so it's obviously true for us too not just infps ot we wouldnt be able to talk about it and understand it so much ,we can and do bc we live it ... and sometimes that looks like us going into social isolation for days weeks months or years (usually when were older and our friends are all in couples and we are old enough to know that doesnt work in the long run) and others it means trying to distract ourselves and force ourselves not to ruminate about them and the relationship by going out and flirting with new people and trying to get into a new relationship (usually what it looks like in our 20s or younger/when most of our friends are single)
Thank you so much for the video and would have been great if I watched this 2years ago before I come to realize all these by myself and going through all the emotional rollercoaster. Glad that I am on the right track. Thanks so much. And this magic tips also let us be more courageous in new relationships as we know what is going on in our minds. 😊
Wow, this made so much sense to me. Especially when you hit on that, “permission” point.
I have always felt like I needed “permission” to do things that would make things easier for me.
I’ve often searched for outside approval to make decisions that made me uncomfortable. I would endure these issues until someone would say something that would help me “reset” my mindset and pursued me to take the steps I really wanted to take, but didn’t feel like it was a real option beforehand.
It was like I didn’t want even the slightest possibility that I might end up being rude and bring discomfort to anyone, even if it was just all in my head.
Thank you so much for explaining this and giving us some good exercises to help separate reality from idealism.
OMG, I feel like you are in my head!!! Wow. Thank you for that explanation about introverted feeling.
As an INFP with a spouse that in many ways I would like to walk away from but, am filled with grief when ever I think of actually letting her go this makes more sense than anything I’ve ever heard or thought of.
Oh man! This should have a billion views.
I'm super cautious who I let in my life for this very reason. It just becomes a huge problem. If I cut someone off though, it's like they literally disappear from my awareness.
This video helped me leave my abusive ex. So intelligently laid out and so helpful. Thank you.
thank you so much for this!!! It really helped me understand the "nature" of this relationship I've been trying to let go.
Thanks Heidi, making the distinction between reality and imagined versions of people and relationships is really insightful and had me laughing out loud at myself.
Where I would differ or at least add to your advice at the end is that these fantasies are emotional addictions and yes, we can recognise the feeling / want / need and find new strategies to fulfill it but that is ultimately creating another band aid. While going for a walk is a healthier coping mechanism than a couple beers it is still not getting you to the root of the issue which in my experience has to be embodied in its full felt intensity to be released
intj here, thank u for the the Fi parenting, really means a lot to me rn
This is mindblowingly accurate but I never had it articulated to me. So helpful, thank you Heidi!!
Heidi Priebe, you are amazing and on another level!
cant express how lucky and happy I feel about finding your channel!! You help me understand myself and processing things I wasnt able to verbalize.
my favorite quote of this video:
"it is not kind or loving for either of you to keep that fantasy hostage in order to keep suiting yourself with that fantasy."
So few people understand Fi - I really appreciate this. I still have an inner relationship with my high school boyfriend and I am 62! Definitely a dissociative, unhealthy fantasy.
Hi Heidi!
As always, your content always matches perfectly the situations I'm in. Very complicated relation I've been in has come to an end. I've moved out, I don't see this person now everyday, don't have long, meaningful talks and all. All the relations I've been in in the past were indeed more rooted in my head and amplified by my fantasies. The problem with this one is, I've never created fantasy about it. It just came out of nowhere, daily rituals, reality which was better than I could've ever imagined. It didn't came from me, but from this person. And now, the drama part, this person is in a long-term relationship. Maybe I could've stayed around to make him realize we're worth it. But I couldn't keep doing it. Being with this person felt like the best high I've ever had, but then the coming off part was leaving me devastated.. So he made the decision to stick with the thing he knows, the relation he grew used to even though he knows it's not fulfilling. And I moved out. I think it's just now when I start to develop the fantasies about it. Any tips on how to defuse this time bomb?
BTW he is ExFP (he used to be typed as enfp, but then it changed to esfp?) and I'm xNFP (I always have problem with telling the order of my cognitive functions, but I'm leaning more towards infp).
This video deserves a million likes. Substantial, ON POINT and hella insightful! Thank you!!! I have always had so much difficulty in letting people go and now I can totally understand why.
I've been doing this my whole life and have never heard any else put it into concrete words like this until now. Thank you!
From childhood fantasies and wishful daydreams always helped me to escape from reality.
Daaaaaamn this is so hard to let go, the fantasy is so perfect in my head, why do my brain is so good optimizing the future with my ex :( , thank you for putting words on what I feel, making sense into my protect mechanisms.
This is good!! This is helping me understand a current friendship and my head. I feel so guilty about letting go.
Well said .
Some remarks : when I hear you say ' all it is ' or ' it's just ' ..... I take issue or let's say, I find that problematic. You are such a master of wording , perhaps there is a way to talk about these experiences without the need to minimise them in somewhat .
Thanks for all your good work.
I am an INFP and I strive to become better. BUt I have empathy and light ti interact with people around me.
Oh my, I’m gonna have to watch this several times. The fantasy or representation of another…that is my mother in law. I have a very active, conflicted, complex relationship with her…in my mind!!! I don’t actually see her very much, because we are not very close emotionally, though I feel like I want to be, and then sometimes I don’t!
Have come to realise recently that it’s my own mother wounds that I project into her…but the fantasy element is expanding my perspective right now. I’m sure it’ll get me closer to letting the mother fantasy go. The one where she’ll open up her heart to me. Yes I gotta grieve.
Wow. This was very powerful to hear. I feel this on a visceral level.
You were sent from heaven. Thank you.
the way that you explained why I do this is so relieving. I'm going to share this in therapy
My goodness. I've never had someone put it so clearly. I might have to try out your soul bottcamp.
Thanks a lot for this video, as well as the one about healthy vs unhealthy fantasies. I came across the concept of limerence some time ago, and it helped me understand a bit what was going on with my invasive daydreaming about men I had barely met. With these videos I see now why I was suffering so much when the relationship stopped and why I would keep believing I needed to get back with them. I actually bond with a comforting representation of them, when often I’ve been unimpressed (or even appalled) by what they said or did in real life.
I have the impression that any disappointment taking place in the beginning of the real life relationship actually works like a switch that starts the construction of the “better” representation of that person in my mind, usually together with a scenario where our common future is exciting, and it helps me tolerate the stuff I don’t like about them in reality.
It’s quite liberating to realise that!
This couldn't have come at a better time for me. Thank you, subscribed and looking forward to watching more of your videos!
Sooo helpful, I know exactly what u are talking about..so curious how Fe doesn't have the same issue.. Fascinating.. Many thanks Heidi 🙏😊
I have Adhd and I am INFP and I am watching you like you actualy describe me so well. You might have Adhd as well way to think and expanding the subject way I do. I do agree what ever you say you had to feell good abouth what are you doing make interesting to get things done. When ever I do things I put in timer and try to get it done in that time frame it's childish but it's works. Thank you for your hard work to make this video This is eye opener. enjoyed
All what you say is accurate, but if I create a bad idea of a person even if she's my friend, I can be really quick by separating myself. I mean, if I start to imagine a bad future or a bad idea of that person, I can be more focused on reality and also really introspective with introverted feeling, so let go can be easy somehow.
Thanks for finally explaining what I've been struggling with lol
Heidi, this is just so helpful to understand myself better, you are amazing as always.
This is so good and helpful. And the fantasy v reality is on both sides positives and negatives. Actually also the pain they cause/trigger in reality can also be tough to let go of as the fantasy has been the balm with which to tolerated it. Arg! 👍
This rings so true in my experience. But, I wonder if I'm doing the reverse now...tainting the present with my anticipation of a negative future. Basically, I'm playing out current negative events into the future, where they grow and evolve, which makes the present and workable issues seem unbearable. I'm not sure if these thoughts of a gloomier future are making me cut bait early, or if it is appropriate timing vs. my leaving way too late like I did in my past relationship. Conflicted.
I think you may be a Savant! You are SO MY KIND!!!! Thank you for your AMAZING work!!
I wanna thank you for this video. Im currently in the process of getting over my relationship that ended a couple days ago and I notice that educating myself on my mind helps a lot. Your videos are very educational to me but I do find them hard to follow if I really want to understand everything, because so much happens and I'm still not fully familiar with the entire MBTI stuff . It's not so much feedback but it's just something that I personally struggle with. I notice taking this video moment by moments and writing things down helps a lot, something I dont regularly do lmao. But you can still take it as feedback if you want of course. Still, thank you. Understanding my mind is helping me get over her.
Hello, I am currently someone going through a heartbreak. I do realize my mistakes in the relationship and finally after a month of no contact, I texted my previous partner that I'm apologize for my actions. I did this because I did realize my mistakes and I had to take accountability for my part.
I didn't receive anything and I'm somewhere glad to know that they have moved ahead.
I'm just stuck on this, struggling with this fantasy of the future I wished to share.
I see you've commented 11 months ago, I hope you are doing well now. Please could you share your experience with me. I'd be grateful 💕
Someone who speaks slower is The Crappy Childhood Fairy and Pete Walker.
Heidi is amazing. So smart. But you may need a slower presentation if you’re new to the psychology of attachment and trauma.
@@apala09 Hey! Im glad to say Ive mostly moved on. She was my first girlfriend and it will probably always hurt a little, but nothing bad. 2 weeks ago I found out she was in a new relationship and that did hurt a bit but after 2-3 days I got over it and I even think less about her than before. I realized I cant fantasize about being with her anymore (Something I was subconciously still doing) because she's with someone else. I also started therapy in the meantime because I learned I have plenty more issues Ive never worked through. That breakup helped me realize that and Im on the path to becoming healthier and happier than Ive ever been before.
Im sorry about your breakup, they suck and can bring you unimaginable pain. And it might be hard to even think of letting go but with time it will get better. Learning about yourself and your past mistakes is invaluable for your future. You WILL have a future! And it will probably be better than you think, especially if you keep reflecting on yourself and keep growing! I hope you're alright, if you want to talk Im here for you!
@@Cchibba thank you for being so kind! I'm getting better and I only wish to become more sure of myself. I believe it will be a long journey and I have to unlearn so many things too. I'm not really ready to learn that my previous partner has moved ahead because it would break my heart but when i read your comment it gives me peace that when the other person moves ahead you eventually let go of all the fantasies that we tend to create. thank you, I'll use this as a reason to move ahead- i will believe that my partner has moved forward with someone new.
@@apala09 Take your time! No need to rush anything. I know you'd rather want the pain over as soon as possibe and are looking for any way to do that. And trying to move on is definitely a good thing, but trust in your feelings. Its okay to still be in pain
I know this video is a year old but I am sure today was when I was meant to see it, almost as if planned just after my therapy session 😍✨️
Thank you for explaining this to me. I thought I had some kind of disorder like Limerence but then I read about that and found it was more to do with crushes on celebrities or things like that.
holy mother of god this hit me like a truck. Everything makes sense now. Thank you so much.
Spotlight on reality. Gosh. Time to grow out of that
Nobody explained it better 💜
How do you know my soul???? ENFP here. Yup. Just yup.
This is mind blowing! Every fantasy video I watch reveals a new layer and heals a part of it. I've heard and I've thought almost all of it before, and yet hearing it now from you has somehow made it more real. Watching these videos makes me feel present, ready to see , like really feel-see not just know consciously, what I've been doing. Thank you...!
Merci!
Ugh So need this!!! ENFP here And once I commit I have such a hard time letting people go.
And I can b super hot or cold. U reject me , I become the ice /brick wall queen
ENFP here. I just hang on to everybody. Please stop introducing yourself. I’m taking you with me… forever. Ugggghhh 😂
This girls videos are AMAZING!!
Omg,... Another mind-blowing video!! You can add "Actually Useful" to all your video titles 😄 Thank you for your videos, Heidi!!!
great video, very well articulated :) I wish I watched it upon the upload date! lol
This video hit home way more that I wish it was…
Very recently gone and am going through this and learning how to manage. It hurts knowing thats the truth and that the fantasy isnt the reality of it. Im happy to know how I function tho
This is such an intelligent analysis!!
This is amazing to hear, realize and be aware of it! Thank you so much for your content! :)
2:07 I’m infp and a little bit intp, I relate to that a LOOT, my imagination picture of person is always pretty much more than the person is actually… because I’m sensitive to peoples characteristic details and I can find anything adorable. That’s why I used to attach to things too much…Trough learning my way of thinking I bacame to understand my mindset better for real. Things I judged in myself became so easy to understand and validate and so it’s easier to move on from.))
One of the best letting go videos, really!!
This is so helpful. You have no idea 🙏
Or maybe you do! ✨🌈💙
learned so much from this, thanks Heidi!
I remember thinking to myself "I will follow u where ever you go and won't let you go I swear, I will even become your neighbor" about a certain friend 😔