I Feel Lonely in My Marriage
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ย. 2024
- I Feel Lonely in My Marriage
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I heard once "the loneliest you can ever be is not when you are alone. It is when you are with someone who used to get excited about you and now just has no interest."
I am afraid of being lonely inside a relationship than being alone with myself.
I can verify that is the loneliest feeling ever.
If I can pipe in on my own reply here. I divorced 4 yrs ago from just such a marriage. I remember the marriage counselor saying he sees 2 types of failing marriages:1.)younger people fight , fight , fight and get divorced. 2.)Older people, the story is usually he gets angry and she gets cold. This sets up a vicious cycle of him getting angrier and her getting colder and after some times, she is an iceberg. Our current suburban American lifestyle/culture also promotes the guy not having friends. Everything nowadays is about kids stupid sports and watching tv holed up in our suburban "paradise" home. Instead of meeting and making friends. So often , when the divorce happens, the guy barely has any friends or a social circle to help him.
It’s true. When you’re young and things are problematic you’ll nag nag nag and eventually over a few years you’ll stop. When she stops nagging and the guy is still doing the same stuff he thinks she’s just holding her tongue. In reality she’s grieving the relationship. Shell ask for a divorce in a years worth of time and then he’ll want to work on everything and tell her everything he should have been saying 2+ years earlier. After they divorce he’ll act like she went from their relationship straight into a new one we but really she checked out when she stopped nagging and fighting for the relationship years prior. She’s cold now because he was cold and annoying for so long.
I’ve watched this happen within 3 of my friend groups and it’s wild to watch.
@@seadragon1456 so true so true so true. When a guy gets served with divorce news, he thinks it happened last night and noone knows.
The truth is, she ended it 3 yrs ago. Her sisters know, her lady coworkers know, her new guy knows, her whole family was told it was coming.
The last person to know is her husband.
She just spent 3 yrs trying to figure out how to break it to the kids.
When she gets the courage to tell the kids dad is getting jettisoned from the family, that is when she tells her husband.
To me this sounds more like financial intimacy.
A younger woman marrying an older dude for lifestyle reasons 🤷
... and not liking the grown up, responsible way of living that he brings to the table. I hear that too...
And to take it a step further - suspicious person that I am - there's probably more than just financial infidelity [I think that's what you meant rather than intimacy?].
She loves his money, and he loves her youth...
Adios marriage.
Your spouse is first, a married woman shouldn't be spending all her time traveling with her friends. Something is off.
He sound older. Best believe there's a age gap between them.
Another man….that is what is off…
@@kenvr2287 without a doubt; there is someone else.
I agree!! Her husband is her first priority to love and to cherish. Friends come after that. Something is not right.
I trust they can work it out that the husband can have great travels with his wife. He seems like a good guy!
@@kenvr2287 Why do all the good people connect with the wrong spouses? So selfish of his wife.
His wife just doesn’t like him. He sounds like a nice guy that has been manipulated by a younger woman. She is living her best life while he’s paying bills.
Let's face it, older man's ego is easily stroked by significantly younger & pretty woman. Did she really manipulate him? or he just didn't choose wisely? He already had life experiences before he met her, so he willingly paid the price. Now he realizes he is being priced out and the rest of his future (like retirement savings) is in jeopardy.
That's most of these "Trad" marriages.
Men are blind and don’t see it
@@jeromehenry4484yes a woman that loves her man would not spend his retirement. She’s is living in the now and spending his money cuz like he is not going to be the man she’ll stay with when she wastes his money.
Sounds like she makes good money too. Maybe he’s boring ??
Like Tom said he’s much older and doesn’t party. She doesn’t want to travel with grandpa!
She’s using him to bankroll her trips and he’s being naive…
💯
Disagree, he said they both do well.
She makes her own money and does well.... how is he bankrolling
They are BOTH benefiting from each other!!! He’s with her because she’s really young and she’s with him because he has money. It’s a win win.
@@amandachristine9286 she makes her own money and is well off
She wanted to travel but didn’t have the money so she went into debt. She ran out of credit so she found a man to pay off her debt so she could continue to travel. She went into more debt to travel and hid it from him. He paid that off and she continues to travel. He is a fool and she is selfish; perfect pair.
Sound like sugar baby daddy situation.
Wish I was that lucky, lol 😆
😅😅😅
paying her debt in the first place was the start of the trouble
Right, I'm sure he paid off her travel debt and she didn't sacrifice anything to help pay it off and she continued traveling racking back up debt and not really respecting him. Poor fella is a simp and paying all the bills
Before he passed away unexpecedly, I was lonely for the last 10 years of our marriage due to his alternative life on the golf course. I dearly miss him however i no longer have to listen to a daily description of how every hole was played by each of 4 guys.
Sad that you had to endure that, but happy for you now. I hope you are enjoying your life now, and have the joy and fulfillment that you deserve.
My mind went somewhere else but ok
@@Yana4real lol
It was your choice to stay. You chose to be lonely
Maybe you should have gotten into golf. He passed and your gripe is he played golf?
If your own spouse doesn't want you around for fun things they don't like you. It's simple really what's going on. When you love or even like the other person you want to be around them. It's not hard to comprehend she's going around for the $$$
I actually think John was spot on with this one despite what he says in the beginning. They are living two different lives. I have been there before up close and personal and recognize it. I also know a couple who is doing this and it’s headed for disaster. The married couples who are now basically roommates is very common nowadays. It is very sad and marriage isn’t supposed to be that way.
I totally agree with this, nothing he said was out of bounds for the caller's situation. I would be curious whether she was that way during dating or even prior to that. I kinda doubt she was, it seems more like something changed and perhaps she just doesn't like how he travels for work and copes by doing her own things. I think he was pretty spot on with how he approached it!
It is most likely her fault. That is what you are missing. If i exaggerate it and say she is beating him, would you be looking at him? Asking what he should change? She is making terrible decisions and is acting terribly towards him (most likely)
🙋🏻♀️
I wanted him to ask how big was the age gap!!😂😂
Yes! That was my first question. Sounds like these two are in completely different phases of life.
Oh my goodness, the old you is my husband! My husband is so critical and so tight with money and so opinionated and always has to be right, and messes up trips with his cynicism at this point we don't include him in our lives. 14 year old daughter and a senior in high school that's getting ready to go to college and none of us include him in and it just makes him more mad. The issue is that my husband doesn't have friends, or a father that he actually would talk to about marriage concerns. And so his opinion is the end-all-be-all and I have created a world that doesn't include him just for my own peace and Sanity. I feel bad but if I don't do that, I'll leave the marriage. I really don't know what to do
I know a few fathers like this. Their telling of it is usually a “poor me” or “woe is me” story, not seeing their part in what they are living. Miraculously everything happens to them and they just have to deal… it’s a weird one it is
Show some grace and understand and understand that he is the way he is out of fear . The way he acts is his way to protect his fear or insecurity which is still probably rooted in fear. What is he afraid of? What did he lose control of in his past that hurt him that made him put this wall up. Hes a man and it's not easily telling a women hes scared about anything. There is a reason he cant be free and just let things be so all of you can have a good time. Something is holding him hostage. He may need therapy if you cant get it out of him.
I soooo can relate to this. Let me know if you want to be pin pals🌻
I sooo can relate. Let me know if you want to be pin pals🌸
I'm in the middle of the same thing. It's really tough to drag a negative person around. They expect to be included, but then ruin the experience. I find I'm constantly having to compensate for the dark cloud hanging over him every day. And if I even suggest that something might be wrong or that maybe he needs to talk to someone, I get ignored or scoffed at. It's so hard. Heart breaking. 💔
Yeah the mark was missed but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I appreciate future Dr. D’s explanation before this segment started.
I am lonely in my own marriage. The only way to fix the loneliness is to find someone else who actually wants a relationship and connection with me. But I can't do that because I don't want to destroy my sons life, and I don't want to lose all of my net worth.
The worst thing ever is being trapped with someone who either dgafs or just doesn't get it. What's the point of being in a relationship if you can't ever connect with the other person?
Me too, he’s always been abusive Im so unloved and lonely it’s been 35 years and it’s really effecting my health.
THis is a very difficult place to be, sending hugs.
Caller says "I travel for work". What I'm hearing is that his wife got tired of being alone. She may not have realized how often she would be alone bc of his work travel and decided to create her own fun. A woman who feels cherished and prioritized doesn't plan trips/activities that take her away from her spouse.
I’m hearing that his wife is ungrateful for having a man who paid off her debts and would rather go out with “friends” and use him as an ATM than be a teammate and wife.
And those “friends” she’s going out with are probably clapping her cheeks on these vacations too.
I agree. She likely got so used to being alone all the time that it is her lifestyle now. Curious how often the husband is gone for work. It can still be that she is a spoiled brat, but not necessarily.
Bullshit victim nonsense. In my experience the more I cherish and prioritize a woman the more she treats me like a slave.
I bartended in my mid-twenties at a few popular vacation resorts. I can tell you from experience that there's more going behind the scenes with this woman. She and her friends are definitely looking for fun, but not with him for a good reason. I saw married women do this all the time, even women overtly wearing their rings and propositioning me
"I try not to badmouth a spouse when they are not on the call".... 🧐
Every woman caller talking about her husband: You married a child, he needs to grow up
“Are you safe?” The husband is always cheating and/or on drugs.
Exactly my thoughts 😂
It is extremely rare for him to say anything remotely negative about a female; he most often asks male caller’s how they are contributing to her bad behavior.🙄
This is why I've found it hard to listen to his relationship takes.
John is always way harder on the men.
I can tell you what I think it is? He don’t like that he comes home to an empty house? Well how about how she feels when she has to come home to an empty house?
Almost 17 yrs for us and I feel the same way. I speak up every few months and it gradually goes away again. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but think more and more about divorce. Then I panic at how much I'd miss him, and how lonely I might be...then I think of how hard it is to have both of those things already still married. Married alone.
@LS-be8gr SO Hard. Thinking of you.
I know the feeling, but lm at a loss.
What about when you constantly invite them out with your friends, or to family events, or even things one on one and they almost always decline… so you’re forced to continuously do things on your own anyways…
I don't see how this call went wrong. I agree with the advice you gave.
As a woman, I feel like your wife, does not want to be married to you anymore. I feel like she does not genuinely love you anymore, the same as me with my now ex husband. I would rather go on a vacation with my female friend, than with my now ex husband. I cringed at the thought of sharing a bed with my now ex husband on vacation with expected intimacy, on a vacation. We did not share a bed at our house for a few years before divorcing. I did love my now ex husband for the first eighteen years of being married to him, but fell out of love with him. I, unfortunately feel your wife will be leaving you permanently.
Dr. John is spot on about 2 people living separate lives under the same roof. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience, 😅, I bet they aren't friends, don't do anything together, and one of them does all the mental load, working full time, and going on trips with them is just more work.
Again, so well described. Thanks for asking the hard questions and sharing your failings and encouraging others others. The way you changed to be likeable! to bring joy, it's transformational.
Watch out for those girl trips. There's a high likelihood she's cheating on you my guy. Hire a PI
Pi is a great idea. I used to watch that show cheaters. I think he definitely needs to hire one.
In the final months of my marriage, I was extremely lonely. My love language is Quality Time and my ex didn't seem to care about it. She would say things like "All I remember about the trip, I just wanted to not be there and be home." When we do simple outings, she start complaining about wanting to leave. So we stopped doing things together. It was mostly quick dinners, movie and TV nights, and the occasional sex night. There was no sustenance. Just 2 roommates who argued with no resolution on making our relationship into an equal marriage.
I can relate to this a lot
It feels like a roller coaster of emotions all the time! I have to remind him that I exist every few months and that I need this and that and it happens for a few and then BOOM back to the zombie on the couch, no date night, no intimacy, no interest in my day, etc. i’m tired 🥹. 24yrs now 🥲
@Lynetted79 oh my gosh I felt that too much. Almost 17 yrs for us and I feel the same way. I speak up every few months and it gradually goes away again. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but think more and more about divorce. Then I panic at how much I'd miss him, and how lonely I might be...then I think of how hard it is to have both of those things already still married. Married alone.
It sounds like she enjoys being with her friends a little too much. Like she’s trying to escape. He feels left out.
She’s using this guy and I’m questioning if those trips are really with her friends or is she’s cheating.
It could be both
His wife is not in the marriage.Iv'e been married for 58 years and seen and been through a lot.Shes self centered.She has probably cheated on him.I would get out of the marriage and start taking care of myself.When he gets old he will regret he stayed.
Nothing good comes from "girls trips".
For the most part, I agree with what John said.
Was she always like this or was this something that developed. It's definitely fixable, but this isn't the root cause, and there are some hard conversations you need to have. But, I think he needs to be honest with himself and ask what he really wants out of this marriage and set some boundaries for the relationship and $$. It does sound like he is shrugging his shoulder a lot on things, and we've all been there and that means you need to put a lot more attention into the marriage and figure it out.
This is what happens when you marry someone younger and probably attractive. Men think that big age gaps don’t matter and that money will solve everything, but in reality it won’t. It’s just a temporary patch on a wound that needs deep treatment and stitches. Also, he sounds like he’s clueless of the situation or in deep denial. I hope he talks to her in a serious manner and things get sorted out and fixed.
She's cheating.
Definitely cheating
This
As she should, this man is too weak to remain faithful to.
@@tcggggg I don’t necessarily disagree hahaha
100%
This is the price of marrying someone your kid’s age. Younger spouses are usually in it for your assets.
She's living her life as a single women supported by a man with a child. Hmmm.
I feel this. My husband is always taking time for himself . Gaming , out with friends , gambling. Obvs she wanted to do the trips with him but it triggered him so she went off alone since he couldn’t be bothered😢😢😢 a weekend trip is only a couple hundred bucks
Men….NEVER SIMP! If your significant other abuses your time and generosity, leave. If she doesn’t respect you then leave….period!!
Yup. We all know what ladies night leads too. Cheating or out looking at what's on the market. Like they aren't already doing that online as is.
@@djpuplex That's nonsense. I've had innumerable nights out with my girl friends and none of us was ever interested in cheating on our significant others.
"A nice guy is being manipulated by a younger woman" 🙄 sounds like he wanted a younger woman who was supposed to be a home keeper and she wanted an older man who would fund her responsibilities while she funds her lifestyle. He wasn't manipulated. He tried to get one over on her but she's smarter than that. He's not some poor nice, old, good guy with good intentions. He is just as manipulative as you think she is. I guarantee their age gap is 10 years MINIMUM
Ur human. We need to hear more often we could have done better
I'm curious what the age difference between these two is. He said he's getting older and doesn't like to party. Which tells me his wife does like to party and might be a bit younger than he is. I also heard him say that they have opposite schedules. That alone creates a scenario of building separate lives. My husband works night shift, and its a STRUGGLE to get him engaged in our lives. I'm literally running the household all day and all night. He will lament that he doesn't feel needed in our home, but when I try to include him in the daily routine or family events, he'd rather sleep or sits like a zombie because night shift just destroys your functioning. So............ often people with schedules like this are left to build separate lives. Both people need to be intentional with their time. There's only so much you can do on your own. The other person has to want to participate.
It was interesting to hear him talk about “future John”; I thought he handled the call quite well considering he is only hearing one side. It would be interesting to know the age difference between them; honestly, she may just be with him for the finances he brings but we don’t have enough information to know what’s really going on.
Lucky lady.
I would give anything for my husband to treat me like he treats her❤.
The basic wiring of women is to spend time with their men. Something is off. I read a romance book in 5th grade and I never forgot this quote.. “ when a woman stops loving you, there is nothing you can do than to put your hands in your pocket and walk away” 🤷🏾
the debts part alone is a clue to her stringing him along for financial reasons!! Poor dude. I hope he left her. The fact that she isn't willing to work on the relationship & rejecting his offers to spend time together shows that she doesn't really want him! He deserves better
You’re all over the place Delony!!!
He is always all over the place
She’s cheating on him! It’s so obvious!
I think it’s pretty simple. He was “good enough.” As long as she gets to live the life she wants, he’s good enough to be with, but I would wager quite a lot that the second he starts really pushing back and holding her accountable, she’s out, and it won’t be a protracted issue either, she already knows she’s not here to do the work. All the caller can do is decide what he’s willing to endure to have her around.
Unfortunately I see my parents going they're own ways now both in they're late 50s over 25years married...
I don't know whether this kind of thing is off-limits on his show or if John just missed it... Twice ... (He capitulated on his podcast that he didn't handle this call as well he would have liked but still didn't bring up the possibility of cheating. The wife's behavior totally fits the profile . Women usually won't risk alienating their husband and straining their marriage just for trips with their friends.
Wife might be bi-sexual and on the down-low; husband is just sugar daddy.
He asked about infidelity and the guy brushed it off so........ 🤷♀️
Hi John, I've been married for 28yrs. I gone through a lot maybe all the things that can and will happen in marriage. I have looked at myself and did changes from bad guy to good guy along with trying to understand what my wife my be going through at times of her life. At this point I don't have a real clue on what to do with myself or my spouse. We can't seem to talk about much when it comes to relationship issues and I become feeling helpless . The bed room looks very cold and she doesn't look like she has no interest in me. Example I ask why she doesn't ask or make a move in the bed room. She replied maybe I don't want to hear the answer. And that I am a crying bit#$@!. Or there is no one else but if there was he would be a real man compared to me. Also that I am not a good father. In the past I was the provider and protector of my family. Now I am 53 years old and cannot work because of health issues and feel that I am the ownly one holding this family together. Of curse she has the history of cheating and use our children as to hurt me. I want to leave family. Comes first. I didn't have a father My child do and will always. What can I do now?
Bottom line is she has lost respect for you. You have to leave if you can.
And sometimes its to far gone to change
@11:00 "that's very interesting..I havn't looked at it like that" ... among everything. 😂😂 like ATM dude
This is easy and hard to hear, I’m sorry… you’re not her priority 😢
I’m so sorry
Perfect answer John do things differently play more with the family life is a long journey make it a fun one
This gentleman is a fool to put up with this nonsense. Unless he puts a hard stop to his wife's infidelities, then he deserves everything he gets from her. Man up sir!!
He’s in denial of the problem before him.
After I got married my wife joined a church and she spend soooo much time with them that I feel like she has an almost separate life. Its not really my cup of tea and she makes it seem like something's wrong with me. It's very lonely.
Sounds like she checked out a long time ago. He's in the friend zone. Traveling will wreck a marriage, I was at that point, had to quit my job and travel with him to his work locations, did this 15+ years. It's exhausting and can be very very lonely. She does have a spending issue.
What a reasonable man. Best of luck.
I'm going to give a different view. my husband travels for work and it not much fun when I go with him. even when its Hawaii, I am alone because he is working. there is no us time. It is equally lonely to be left behind while he is working away, when he is away he goes out with his coworkers drinking and hanging out at the beach. I finally said screw it and started to plan my own trips with friends or family who can travel with me. I am tired of having no life while he lives his best life. This could very well be their dynamic too.
John, what we need to know is... Did you do the professional thing and call this man back?
He knows he don’t want to know
Go for divorce. You will always try to give way, compromise, understand and sacrifice but the if there's no positive reciprocity, drop and leave. I'm in my 50s and have several friends who are divorced/separated. They've shared where if they stand their ground and be firm, to be the head of the family, their partner will always say - well, that's what you want, you're plan, no healthy compromise and if they let them do what they want, understand it, compromise just so for them to be happy and if they go overboard, the woman will come back and say, well-you didn't stop me. You didn't help me. So no accountability. Damn if you do, Damn if you don't.
his wife made a world for herself because she had to.
Great advice
My husband is a narcissist, I try my best not to speak. We have been married for 39 years. He has become worse. He accused me of boyfriends which don't exist, there are cameras everywhere, he pays my phone bill, location is always on and because I don't complain about anything. I figure if I stay quiet, I will let him go mad on purpose. It worked, however he is very vindictive and said you can look after yourself as I am not the one you love. I said nothing. Well to cut to the chase....he is currently running his mind into the ground that he is now having anxiety attacks. Truth be told. I hate the man to the point he will one day self combust.
I don't necessarily disagree with the advice. But if roles were reversed (woman calling in about her husband taking a bunch if trips with the guys), the first question is always "who's the other woman?"
This is why no marriage should be undertaken without a prenup. Never stay in a marriage that’s toxic for you.
She married him for money and now she is using his money to travel and party with her friends.
She's not physically attractive to him. She travels with friends because she considers the husband a handicap. I've seen this before with my oldest friend and it was clear she was embarrassed by him.
What is he pretending not to know... Hmmm
She’s cheating obviously
Appreciate the preface. We are all human but this call should not have been aired and that guy should get a call back. He is definitely being cheated on. I’d walk him through the next best steps he can take for himself offline.
Still my favorite podcast it’s like Dr. John has even said. Not every call is the right advice given.
I think this happens when there is no attraction when you are sexually attracted you can't stand to be apart. But a marriage of convenience or alternative motives can be satisfied within distance.
He can provide you with all the bags shoes holidays whikst you are apart.
He can be a comfort and support whilst you are apart (on the phone)
But he can't satiafy her intimacy of wanting to be physically with him whilst they are apart. And thats the part of the marriage she doesnt desire...
Hi. Just here being nice 😊
poor guy he needs to end it
Wtf was Dr John thinking?!?
Gosh, I wish your video wasn't opened up with a lite beer ad....sober for over 38 years, and this ad is so triggering for me it almost makes me not want to watch you anymore. I'll still watch you though...great video, and great subject and applicable.
Unfortunately, the creators have nothing to do with the type of ads! Ramsey team was talking about it because they kept getting credit cards and gambling ads on their show and people were complaining! Congrats on being sober 38 years!! 🎉
Congratulations on maintaining your sobriety. TH-cam pushes the ad not the show.
I realize the show has no control over the ads...however, maybe that can change someday LOL
Congrats on your sobriety! There should be some kind of way to turn it off ads that don't apply.
Damn, right away we all already know what the problem with their marriage is.... "i'm not included" also a big tell... He's from LA lmfao
Leave!
Respectfully, she is in the wrong.
Lord please send me a husband with a backbone. Smh!!
Girl trips. We know what that means
Sounds like shes a narcissist. My ex tried to cut me out of everything and act like he was single and i didn't exist.
Can you do an update to this one?
He should divorce her. 100%. Find a real woman.
Actually, it sounds like you treated this caller exactly like you claim you treated your family before counseling. You talked way more about this guys life than he did. You’re right, you missed it. Could it be because you weren’t listening?
right
right
right
no. not right
say ok. saying right means you knew. no. you dont know
right
right.
Sometimes I like my privacy and I know it sucks if I live with my partner esp if he like certain things and be in certain places that I don't like or things I don't really like to share with him? That just me. Distance sucks too btw marriage couples. If that the case they better to stay friends.
He should said Bye bye bye
Loved your advice on this. 👍
His marriage is non existent. He should ask the Lord what's going on. Probably adultery and addiction.
So who are these "women" she is going with on such short notice. Unless he knows these women well thats a big red flag. She is A. Cheating on you or B. Finds you boring person. Neither good outcomes.
If you don't put your foot down and set boundaries, she will run all over you and that's a fact! Being the super nice guy only goes so far. Get ahold of your balls, sit her down and figure it out.
She's probably cheating on vacation.
Something is off about the wife. My husband is older than me as well but we love staying home together. I don’t like going out that much as an introvert, and he provides me with everything so I can be comfortable at home. As a wife, I do all the wifey duty, cleaning, cooking, and giving him a massage when he gets home after work! I’m happy to do so. If he’s a provider, you should be a traditional wife as well!
Fecker misses most calls, in fairness.
Yeah, you got this one really wrong.
i feel bad
Wife is 100% having an affair. Especially if she hid that debt from her husband.