Coming Out Later in Life (It Truly Gets Better)
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ก.ย. 2021
- Not all of us had the luxury of being able to come out at a young age and enjoyed the benefits of long fought for rights. There are many men around the world who still have to live in the closet due to fear of safety and many other reasons.
Today Calan hosts an open discussion with 3 amazing men who all came out later in life. Each one of them has a unique experience to offer through their own coming-out story. You can come out at 40, 50, 60, at any age really, and still have an amazing and fulfilling life living authentically true to who you are.
Thank you, Ron, DJ and Phil for sharing your stories of finding light at the end of the tunnel. If you think it’s too late for you, think again! It’s never too late ❤️
►►PODCAST: Wanna listen but not watch? Check out the podcast version: www.gaymensbrotherhood.com/ga...
Welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper, a TH-cam series where your hosts Calan Breckon, Matt Landsiedel and Michael DiIorio talk about all things personal development, mental health and sexuality.
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MICHAEL - www.wellismo.com/
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The Gay Men's Brotherhood is a group for gay men to connect with each other on the journey of healing from shame and becoming more authentic and aligned to their truth.
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Our vision for the members is to learn to feel more comfortable showing up vulnerably so deeper intimacy can be established in our community.
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What age did you come out at? Let us know in the comments 🔽
I was 15 and I have lived a happy and fantastic life ever since ❤️🏳️🌈
🎉❤
11
Thank for help 😮
🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
I came out late. I was married twice I had two children and now 5 grands. I have been with my man now this year will be our 25th . I am now 66 my man is 46 . We will be together until I pass. I don’t think one second that we would not be together until the end of my life. My partner also has a daughter his girlfriend was pregnant when we met. I was 42 and he was 21. I wish you all the best. All our children and grandchildren know about us no problem. Good friends with my first wife my second wife passed away.
I came out to my wife when I was 28. She has always been very accepting. I didn't come out generally until I was 63 which was 12 years ago. I am 75 now. We have 2 children and 4 grandsons. My wife has had MS for 26 years. I cared for her at home for 23 years. She is in a nursing home now, and is nearing the end of her life. I don't have any boyfriends and I am not sexually active. We have been married for 51 years. I was a Baptist Pastor and I went through 13 years of reparative therapy, including electronic shock therapy, which did a lot of damage. I am not welcome to attend church because I am gay which has been medically proven. I am in Queensland Australia.
An update. My wife has recently passed. As we were saying our goodbyes, I thanked her accepting me as her gay husband. She said "Of course. That was easy. Why wouldn't I?" Amazing person. But the feeling of finally no longer having to act straight is huge. MS no longer forms a part of my life. At 75, I don't think I will find a partner but I am starting to feel a lot more of the gay Ron. Some guys really are beautiful.
The church no longer forms any part of my life. That was very important. At the funeral, several of my gay friends attended and when my daughter spoke she made a point of saying all my friends were very welcome there. My daughter-in-law and son said, "Dad if you find a man you love and want to become boyfriends, and later marry him, we will totally support you." That meant so much to me. I have very few friends. Being a carer was very isolating and virtually all my church friends have rejected me. I am hoping to find more gay friends. I am also hoping to come out to my teenage grandsons. I think it will be go well. Hope so. My son is happy for me to do that but not to include any war stories. That is OK by me.
Hey Ron, I’m so saddened to read your story. I can’t even imagine what your life must have been like. I hope that watching this episode it brought you a little joy at your end of the world 🙏❤️
TKS for sharing and congrats (?) on your new life, despite continued challenges... I do hope now you/others realize the harm fundamentalist religions do... I was shocked at the acceptance in a NORTHern Baptist (American?) Church in Mpls, MN associated with the Univ of MN.... Hmm IMO really open minded education, discussions IS what religion/education should me.... Wish you success moving forward, making meaningful connections AND become a community leader !!
How amazing you where to your wife Ron. I am here hoping you find love too! You so deserve it after going so long being there for your wife. It can be so hard for us that have that people pleasing mentality to put ourselves first. Wishing you love and happiness!
This podcast discussion was amazing. I came out after 40 yrs or marriage, 3 kids and 3 grandkids. Unfortunately it was at the start of the Covid pandemic so I am just now starting my new life journey. So far I have found it both exciting and terrifying. Having lived my entire life in the closet, I'm trying to navigate my my life the best I can. Listening to these men sharing their experiences has been so rewarding! I am so happy I found this podcast and looking forward to the next discussion!
We’re so glad you found the podcast as well! And also that you’re now able to live as your true self in the world ❤️
Love to you live your life ❤️ 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
@@nickthompson You made one correct assumption. I am a licensed psychologist. But your assumption that my 40 years in the closet constituted the "theft" of another life is totally inaccurate. My advise to you is don't make such bold comments when you don't have the knowledge or facts to back them up. And regarding your "motives" for making such comments, that's another entire issue that you need explore.
I came out when I was 30 and I have been with my husband for 19 years now he is the only man I have ever been with
U di not know what u misssed
@@Theo-tc2pl I sure I missed a lot
@@freddyhoyt1849 were u happy with your man ?if so it is ok no regret!
I was outed to my mother by a friend (who is now my husband) at about age 48. What I most feared my entire life turned out to be the most freeing thing that could have happened to me! After that I started coming out to family and friends, and the usual comment was, "Duh, no kidding." We are now in our mid-60s and life is great!
I guess I would describe my coming out late in life as sort of making up my mind. I have had gay desires since I was quite young, but I felt attracted to girls as well. I have had relations and relationships with both sexes, but I came to point in my life where it was sort of a time to take a break and do some serious inner seeking. I would rather not go into the details of why, but it was time. One thing that greatly affected me was the realization that relations with men just worked better. The experiences were much more comfortable and just felt right and natural. So I accepted that I am a gay man. It was a giant relief to finally say those words and mean it. For the first time in my life I came to love who I was and enjoy my life without guilt and doubt. We all have a different journey, and like you said, they all matter. 💓💓💓💓
I was 65 when I came out to a coworker. As a gay man himself, I felt that he would be a 'safe' person to confide in, and I was right. My own understanding of preferences started at a very young age...yet went nowhere due to self-worth issues, uninformed tactics, and fear.
At 65 how do you feel about the 'internet'
@@enriquecastillo-ni5mg - I'm older now...had been using computers and CAD programs in a former business I owned, so, I guess 'new age' tech (when designed and coded properly) is easy to adapt to. The real problem, for one of any age, is poorly coded programming that is designed by and for the programmer; with no thought as to the user. No tech should assume a skill level above intuitive...and to tell those unfamiliar with tech that they have to use it (in the rush to go paperless) is a form of elder abuse, IMO!
Are You Seeing Anyone?@@stevec404
I was outed by my Best Friend at the time at the age of 22, She called and told my Mother that I was seeing her brother in law (and I was), and was told to leave home, I left and made my own way. That was 33 years ago. I have a good relationship with my mother now, but she hasn't addressed that issue until this day.
Glad you found your way but this story is sadly not a rare one. Things are changing (slowly) but we have to keep doing the work
I know someone who is 62 and married to a woman and he is filled with guilt and shame and fear. He tells me he'd rather kill himself than come out. I've tried to advise him and seek therapy, but it's tragic to see this beautiful man struggle so much. I've done all I can do and now I get to watch him destroy himself with alcohol and self loathing.
May I please know how does he know? How did he knew and when did he find out?
I just wonder because I've never really been "repressing gay" or anything like that, or really looking at guys. But my friend told me about this the other year, that some men even get married to a woman before finding out and I wonder if that might explain why I find connecting with women just so stressful sometimes (they are so judgy) and how it is a lot easier and more straight forward to connect to a guy (since they hold a conversation so much better).
This is why your friends experience would help me. Did he always know? Any feedback? Much appreciated. 🙏🏻
@@justpasserby5100 He was preyed upon when he was a kid. I think those men saw something in him that made him an easy target. Who knows what the reason was. He always knew, even before he got married. But his culture and machismo kept him from doing anything about it. He def. likes men, I know.
I came out at 55 a year ago and it has been so encouraging to hear these stories in navigating relationships and family. Knew I was gay from a young age, but never had the courage to step outside of the faith based group I was part of in the 80s but now it’s a different kettle of fish. The weight has gone and I am living and epic life, more amazing than I could have imagined. Thank u
I really, REALLY appreciate hearing the experience of elder gay men. It seems to me the community is so youth obsessed most of the time, it's lovely to hear of healthy, happy over-forties. ❤
I watched a documentary about 2 men who met in their fifties. They were now in their nineties - I remember clearly them saying ‘we’ve had a fabulous 40 years together’. One had only just come out when they’d met. It was really inspiring for all of us.
Can you give me the name of that film?
Very interesting program. Everyone judges. Some people come out at 14 (how could you know?!). Some people come out at 54 (how could you not know?!) There's no "right way" to be gay. We all find our way to our truth.
Best to you buddy
Lovely kind sensitive responsible men. Thank you for being you.
Thanks so much for this video, I am now in my early 30 and I am just right now in the phase of starting to downgrade my marriage to a platonic friendship. I am filling so bad because she is a wonderful person, but at the same time, I am so afraid to not take this taff decision now. And all the story are so relatable thank you really much
It’s never going to be an easy journey being authentically you if you’ve been LGBTQ+ but fighting it your whole life. Sending you big hugs and all the strength you need to keep going and just know that life is magical on the other side ❤️ it may take a while, but you’ll get there!
@@CalanBreckon thanks so much
10:57 - Lovely and oh so true....😊😊😊😊 The biggest part for me was learning to love who I was.
There is nothing better than hearing and sharing in others authenticity. Thank you.
Thank you for watching and supporting!
I came out at 66. I'm glad just to be honest to myself.
Great podcast. Came out at 50…the worst part was the pain I caused my ex wife…I’ve moved through it. Life isn’t great but it’s not cuz of my sexuality…just life. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us! Your resilience is truly commendable. We appreciate your support, and we're here rooting for you. Keep staying strong! 🌈💪
My partner has always known I was bi but just recently came out to my kids. Have been living more openly with everyone in my life about my sexuality. It is very liberating. My partner and I have an arrangement that works very well for us. I am 52.
I love the description of the unaccepting as people who have outed themselves as unworthy of me ♥️
Thanks for watching Heather! And glad you got some golden nuggets of wisdom in this episode ❤️
It can be a hard truth, but when people show you who they are…believe them. Ugh. So hard sometimes but I choose truth and discomfort over lies and comfort ❤️
Came out gay to myself 2 years ago at 61. Will never have the courage to come out to my wife or family and friends. I am happy and content about myself now
Thank you for sharing your journey. It's important to find peace and happiness within yourself. Remember, everyone's path is unique, and it's okay to take things at your own pace. We're here to support you.❤
Beautiful. Lovely men. I came out at 17 so I learnt a lot from these guys who had a different experience, I understand much more. Thanks
I am so thankful to have these podcasts to learn from. ❤
This was one of the best episodes I've seen so far. Thank you gentlemen for sharing your coming out experiences and the aftermath of relationships with family and friends. I came out which I thought at the time was late to my friends at 24, and my family at 40.
I heard a story about a man who came out at 98 and another of a boy who declared he was gay at 7.
I came out at 53 years old. I left with the 4 kids at 37...raised them alone. Stayed alone and hiding coz I didn't want to influence the boys development. My youngest was 2 when we left ...hes 21 now. Everyone is supportive except my oldest who wants me to stay alone...and my sis in law who cut us off.
Sending you a digital hug AJ ❤️
I would like to think there will be fewer and fewer gay men who need to wait to come out later in life as gay identity and culture become mainstreamed.
I came out at age 44 and, within a year, met the guy who would be "the one." We were married for 20 years, until his death.
Great chat - had a hunch this was out of Canada. The accents gave it away
Great video. It's refreshing to see older men living their life and truth
Glad you liked it!!
Wha truth
Do you tell your friends u fk ass your wife ? Nope is private !same in gay life gay or not is ! There is nothing to be proud of .. imagine someone yeling on roofs i am a Genius i am an excellent writer i am str8 !🤪🤪🤪
Loved this so much! What an amazing group of men.
Thanks so much Ben! Glad you enjoyed it 🙏 and yes, they’re all amazing guys 🙌
I came out at 47. However, I had been involved in LGBTQ activism starting in 1973 - when I was 18. I knew Harvey Milk and supported him in 4 campaigns. 🌈
That’s incredible! I watched the documentary. He was a force of nature and surrounded himself with amazing people, such as yourself. Thank you for posting your comment.
I grew up in the East Bay and vividly remember when Harvey and Mayor Moscone were assassinated just after Thanksgiving in 1978 and the leadership displayed by Diane Feinstein.
These stories are hitting home for me as a child of a gay dad. Mom and dad was married for 10 years. I was 9, other was 7 and youngest was 2. Our mom had a nervous breakdown and dad went off to live his life. Our grandparents raised us. It’s was dad was gay but he became an alcoholic, lost job, and dated some horrible men. This was 60 years ago so was not acceptable for dad. I love seeing where it can be a happy experience. My family was a mess .
What A Sad story Are You Gay
Thank you guys. ❤❤❤
Thank you ❤ there's an animation on Disney I think it's called Out. Really powerful.
Still in closet at 62
What’s keeping you in the closet?
Growing up in the SF Bay Area in the '60s I saw Gays in SF. For a 12 year old they looked and acted like freaks. So I hid in the closet till I retired as an aerospace engineer. Looking for a place the accepted LGBTs I joined the Catholic Church. We have an official LGBTQ+ ministry recognized by the Church and receive $10,000 per year for education, outreach programs and activities. It's great! Our parish priest can now bless Gay marriages. That's a huge step for the Church.
Thank you for sharing your journey. It's inspiring to hear about the progress and acceptance you've found within your church community. The establishment of an official LGBTQ+ ministry and the blessing of gay marriages are indeed significant steps forward. It’s heartening to see such positive changes happening. 🌈🙏
@@GayMenGoingDeeper Thank you! I was more than surprised when I found *"out!"* There are outreach programs to the people in marginalized communities: African-American, Latino, homeless, food for the people who food, etc. They do walk the talk!
And a special thanks to you for what you do! (Please forgive me if I did not use the proper nouns for the African-American and Latino communities. At 70 it's sometime hard to keep up and intended no offense.)
@@douglaswilkinson5700 Good day! Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts. We're glad to hear that you appreciate the outreach programs and their impact on marginalized communities. It's wonderful to see people coming together to support African-American, Latino, and homeless communities, as well as ensuring food security for those in need. Your support and recognition mean a lot!
And no worries at all about the terminology; your intention to be respectful is clear. At any age, it's always heartening to see people making an effort to be considerate and inclusive. Thanks again for your kind message and for being a part of this supportive community!🥰
Inspiring!
Here in Calgary, Alberta yeah:) Just keep to myself...keep the peace.
I’m from Québec, I’m doing the same as you. Just keep to myself.
I am so scared to come out, I'm 32 going on 33
Same .. I’m 34 . I kinda just told and gave hints to people over time. Like my cousin, I would just comment in attractive men and I told her I have a date with a guy from Tinder. And that was it. I have some friends that know and some that don’t. My mom and grandparents doesn’t fully know but she wouldn’t be surprised because I’ve never had a girlfriend .
All this to say, you invite in people who you want to know and When you want them to know .
Sending you love ❤️ from Chicago, IL!
@Chicago0720 Thank You ❤️
I would like to have men like these 4 in my life to have conversations with
Thank you for your comment! We're glad you enjoyed the discussion. Surrounding yourself with diverse perspectives is enriching, and we're happy to bring these conversations to you.🤩💞
I'm 40 and just recently admitted to myself that I'm bisexual. The hard part for me is that there is no community in my area to be a part of. I'm already a bit of a lone wolf. Not having a bisexual or gay community to relate to just brings a larger and different form of isolation.
Bisexual man are welcome in the Gay Men’s Brotherhood Facebook group. Come join us
@@GayMenGoingDeeper I'll definitely check it out.
I hope your journey is becoming more hopeful. Working on yourself with counselling and support can open you up to understanding those around you differently.
Excuse me, a gay hair stylist??? Clutch the pearls!!!!!
The set-up and follow up questions could have been stronger.
-Where are they from? Their community?
-Earliest recollections of being gay?
-Perceptions of the LGBTQ community/LGBTQ issues as someone who was part of it, but not in it?
-Mental health during this prolonged "closet"period? How did they cope?
-Coming out "post peak AIDS crisis" - but being from that generation?
-Resources available to them upon deciding to come out?
-What worked? What didn't?
Hi there! Thank you for your feedback; it's truly appreciated. Your suggested questions are fantastic and would add depth to our discussions. We'll definitely consider them for future content.❤🏳🌈
Hiya i believe i came out at 60 firstly crossdresser but then bisexual and married 34 years in short..
The ending of the title 😂
Going deeper, ya’ll crack me up.
A great podcast with a great name 😉😄
My wife died last year and I have been hiding me for so long - I need help because I have always known me but I have a very homophobic family and i'm 58 and It's a difficult place right now - Adored my wife and would never hurt her intentionally and I told her as she died about everything but I'm broken now - how do I move forward!!
Virtual hugs!☹❤ We're so sorry for your loss and for the pain you're going through. It's incredibly brave of you to share your story. Moving forward can be challenging, especially when facing both grief and the fear of not being accepted. Remember, you're not alone, and it's okay to take things one day at a time. Sending you strength and compassion. 🌈❤
Visiting these websites might be a helpful first step in seeking support from counselor who understands LGBTQ+ issues:
www.wellismo.com/
www.gaymensbrotherhood.com/
The Pup you talking about in London is know a straight Pup . The City of Québec
I was VERY lucky, came-out at 17 in 1969 in SW Michigan !.... Truly blessed that my Congregational Sr Minister, PhD from Princeton, in our one on one confirmation discussion.... at the end he asked if I date? I thought it an odd question but I can't lie to a Minister. I said not really.... He responded: "No where in the Bible does it way one must marry. God The Creator makes no mistakes, people do. You are a creation by God....." Had a 'friend' and in 1981 moved to liberal Minneapolis,StPaul.... Am currently seeking a mate.... In my now late 60s finding connecting with other men (especially who enjoy kink) is very challenging.... Though I think I have a 'liberal' mind, I can accept LTRs where there is more than 10 yrs difference in ages, this for me is odd.. ........ A big take away from this cast is, many fundamentalist religions really have harmed many. Glad I know (?) a loving liberal Creator.
I like Phil.
Have you done a podcast on older men who just love the younger guys? Like in their early twenties . And the older guy is in his 50's. I know for a fact its a thing. But I'd love to lusten to a caring and mature discussion on this age old dilemma. And is it possible to fall in love? Or is it just
Love. Or an unhealthy attachment?. Thanks.
I have a friend who kinda wants to know..
We will add it to the list for consideration in the future, thank you!
I'm still at that dark place, in closet. Over 44, and being HIV+ I feel like I'll never find anyone. The only thing I don't regret, is that I could have ended on a false marriage, but no, I refused to have a relationship with any women through my life. However, any trace of confidence, or being even proud of doing that, was crushed the day of my HIV diagnosis. What's the point of coming out if everyone gonna reject you by being old, or being HIV+? and let's not talk about my family, because that's another can of worms. There's also a heavy depression problem I developed during the years... even contemplated suicide so many times.
I'm not even sure it gets better. Maybe this is the year, I'm going and coming out but honestly, I think it's going to be worse. real worse.
Keep listening to podcasts, see a LBGTQ doctor, scout out a support group, seek help. Nothing to be ashamed of. Understand the difference between Shane and Guilt.
I knew a lot of men who came out young. It was difficult for many because they became politically conscious and often put their politics before their own self-interest in terms of career. Personally I do not see any reason why an older person would come out. The young years are the good gay years, but when you get older, that is when people start to become most distrustful. When you are young it is easy to find friends, especially if you are relatively attractive, but not when you get older. Some gay men go back into the closet when they get past their sexual prime. Some gay men were better off not coming out when they were young, because they might have avoided disease, or suicide or such. About 15% of the young people that I knew when I was in my late teens and 20s are dead. For young gay, men who are used to being attractive, getting to around 35-37 is when reality hits; they often don't feel welcome on the gay scene because it is basically ageist because it is based on sexual attractiveness. Even guys who had established partners and thought that they'd set themselves up for a coupled future could find that their partner takes up with a younger guy. That happened to two of my old friends. Older men will be targetted by hustlers and gold diggers. If you delude yourself that you are attractive to young men in their prime then you are a perfect mark. For older people now there is the adult entertainment industry, and that is often the safest exposure to the general homosexual population. Friends are more important than lovers when you get older.
Phil....you are very handsome
I can tell miles away they are gay, they look to me like older women with a beard. Their mannerisms their voices, their physical aspect. How can a woman fall for that?. It will be fair to interview their ex-wives to hear their version there is always to perspectives to one story.
It's probably the way they treated and respected their wives. Which is totally different from the way "straight" men do.
That's what coming out atheist does. Makes you yourself. Now you can love everbody.
hi!
Is there such a thing as partially coming out? If someone asks if I am a homosexual, that's the only time I say. Other than that, I do not announce it.
♥️🏳️🌈♥️
Have never understood guys coming out after having their cake and eat it too so to speak being married for eons - to me they’re just considered bi sexual😎
It's "Kate and Edith too!"
All three guests were married to women with kids. How about those who may not have been married before and chose to come out later in life?
I officially came out to my parents when I was seventeen. Absolutely No One was ever surprised. I was ridiculed by my classmates-- many of whom wanted to 'know' me. I was having none of it. My buddy was a family member. Nevertheless, my family was having none of it. I didn't matter. I was a long anticipated birth. I have very, very deep ancestral ties. I was cajoled into a relationship by a woman with whom I dated. She knew that I like boys. We lived together for a time and I let her know that it was not going to make either of us happy. I was NEVER attracted to her wares. It didn't matter. She telegraphed her wish to have a child with me. I dismissed it as an idle wish. When we lived together, she always used birth control. Months after we broke up, I was walking my ancient dog on a trip that was very familiar to everyone who knew. She met me for a romp "for old times sake." It was arranged between she and my meddling mother. For months later, I got a telephone call from Mom while I was at work, informing me that I needed to see 'her.' after my day. I was in a miserable marriage for ten years and have a wonderful daughter and two grandsons that I will likely never meet. No one really cares what you like to do for pleasure and love. Nevertheless, we don't always get the degree of freedom that we need. I'm a left handed homo living in a right handed hetero world. Both of my grandfathers were lefties. My daughter and both grandsons are also lefties. My 'wife' will never allow a relationship because she and my daughter are afraid they might "catch the gay." Little do we understand.
Please.. Will someone help this mature white former U.S. Marine become gay.
I will love the kind man who turns me homosexual very deeply with my ❤
No! the best age to come out is in your teenage years Ive seen plenty of gays at 40 plus trying to act like a teenager to capture what they missed not a good look
I came out at 19, thinking people were accepting and that it would be easier in the long run. WRONG! You guys who waited got to have unfettered lives where you got to have families, careers and basically, happiness. I am 67 now. I should have stayed in the closet. I feel cheated and this article makes me feel worse.
What I don't understand is how can gay men manage to get an erection or maintain an erection if they are having sex with someone they are not attracted to? Personally, I cannot get an erection if I have sex with someone I'm not attracted to. They are in a marriage with a woman for 30 or 40 years and they can get an erection for that many years with someone they are not attracted to? How is that possible?
Because they become gay later. They were not gay then. Its too impossible to be gay and have it with women..
You close your eyes and imagine the woman is the man of your dreams. Alcohol can also help a great deal. Hope this helps.😁
If I had to do it again, I would have done it much sooner
This is so helpful. I hear myself in these stories. So much is relatable. Thank you. P.S. I listened twice.