The lack of John in Anna's book reminded me of Cecily Strong's memoir. She was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship in her 20s. Before publishing, she sent her ex what she wrote about that time. It was about what she went through not even focusing so much on the abuse rather the effect it had on her. He in turn very coldly replied that he doesn't want her publishing it. She then decided to leave those 11 pages blank. It was so impactful that I started crying looking at those empty pages. Her life, her pain, her grief. Completely wiped out because this abuser after more than a decade still had that power.
And that’s why you don’t write a memoir about abusive relationships. You write novels, or movies, or tv shows. Or songs. And then you watch them grind their teeth.
@@fghdrdthtgfghjhdf2540 just don't write an article not even mentioning them by name, then you'll get sued for slander and what seems like the entire media and internet will mock you and your pain during the trial.
As a drug rehab nurse-it’s highly encouraged to speak bluntly about addiction. I have empathy for her but honestly-her issues plus his…that’s bad man. So bad. Not wanting children in that situation is possibly the single most responsible thing those two did.
I think this too. As a consumer of popular media and celebrity gossip - this whole story was perfectly tragic and explosive, made more interesting by the obvious NDA limitations on what we knew for sure. As myself an addict - between the two of these people, this was never going to end well.
What do you think of the GQ article and how a 6 month pregnant Olivia was testing him and listening through the door. What should a support system do? is it better that way?
Yes 100%. For me, anyone who would say "I want a baby but only a girl-- I don't want a boy" isn't ready to have kids. Having kids isn't for everyone. And if your baby isn't even born and you're already trying to dictate the person who they are or will be then becoming a parent is a Bad Idea
Yet he dated/was having raw sex at least if not dating IN REHAB when you’re supposed to wait 12 months after recovery…surprised you didn’t mention that important fact but instead chose to throw her under the bus like she’s too mentally unwell to have a kid. So was he. In fact, way more so…He was addicted to two substances and torpedoed his own life. Not to mention we now know a man on alcohol can cause FAS to the baby even if the mom isn’t drinking a drop. And they said they BOTH didn’t want babies what is this alternative reality??! 😭 Boy byeee. And who caused her sudden intense depressive episode? Hmm? Pleeease I don’t need to read your reply. You said it all very “subtly” here.
“You called likability a prison, so why are you knocking down the door of the jail trying to get locked up again, this time with your babies” my jaw hit the floor, so well said
Never knew she had a memoir, didn't know Petunia died, never heard of your channel or you - but I sure spent 56 minutes listening to you really get into this book I would never have read. And it was FASCINATING. You're good at what you do.
A brief note: "Sikh" is pronounced "sick", the same as the English word. Sikhism is a religious movement that originated in the Punjab region of India. Thus Manguso's breezy use of the doctor's presumed religious identity functions for her as a cute pun ("Sikh" sounds just like "sick"! get it?!), and is also implicitly racist (Sikhism is a non-proselytizing religion, and therefore the vast majority of Sikhs are ethnically Indian and racially non-white).
The punk scene is still exploitative and unkind to women. Hearing that's where she spent her teenage years after having an abusive mom instantly filled me with dread
I disagree. Yes, abusive men infiltrate all communities. Just like the BDSM community. We have to be careful. But real punks are feminists. And many women are punks, pioneers are punk music. The comedy community is still pretty misogynistic. Women are still given less time than unfunny men at open mics
this is such a thorough and yet empathetic analysis. not only did i get a book review, i got intelligent deep-dives into the mechanics of the celebrity memoirs and branding. this video is going to be incredibly successful!
Agree! New subscriber now!! :) it almost feels exciting when I feel like I’ve discovered someone before they’ve been discovered by the mainstream 😂😂 ugh, why am I like this lol
Wow please keep the comments coming. I wanted this to be more of a discussion than a critique and you folks have truly risen to the occasion. I want to make this clear: I mean no offense to John Mulaney or to Anna Marie Tendler or anyone else mentioned in this video. As Kendrick Lamar wrote: "You ain't felt grief 'til you've felt it sober." Sobriety is hard. Divorce is hard. Life is hard. I wish them nothing but healing and peace
If anyone found anything you said offensive, they were looking for a reason. You were critical of the novel, not the humans, not hateful or speculating in a damaging way-ai found it all thorough and kind! You truly did all your research & counteracted criticism you felt with attempts to give grace based on whatever trauma or events we don’t know etc etc. You are really, truly a healthy version of seeing both sides of a story it seems like-I research EVERYTHING to a fault & you still taught me or made me question my own beliefs on feminism & mentality stagnation etc. XO!
I appreciate your review, however it feels naive to suggest that Anna’s feelings towards men are unjustified. She’s correct in her analysis of what causes the majority of the world’s problems, and her perspective is quite sane. 35:25 - it isn’t only certain rescue dogs who experience this particular ‘quirk’, it’s common among all animals. All animals are more likely to trust women vs men because of our hormones, our higher voices, and (I’m assuming) a millennia of experiences that get passed on through generations. The reality is that societies that respect feminine values have been rare to the point of nonexistence. It’s okay to acknowledge that. It’s okay to place blame where it belongs.
This isn’t really a comment on the video or review, but please be mindful of using the word ‘psychotic,’ which you did around the 7-minute mark. Psychosis is a complex mental health condition, that has nothing to do with morality. When you used psychotic and creepy almost as synonyms, it was quite hurtful to hear as someone who has experienced it. If you’d like to discuss this more or ask questions, feel free to do so. Thank you.
This woman keeps dating millionaires and somehow resents the men? How does this woman-someone who has failed at everything she’s ever attempted-keep cycling through relationships with millionaires? Shouldn’t she be thankful? But no mama’s pisssed! How dare you Mulaney! You know John’s just got over battling addiction and his wife just survived cancer. Who cares this little lady is pissed and wants her revenge. She is not a woman of principals or growth or morals! No the ladies demand never ending revenge for every slight ever committed ever. Forgiveness doesn’t exist in 2024 with these hoes. Everything is a downward spiral of revenge. You SSRI-popping, fake-woke white women who “cut off” your upper class parents, hate all your normal guy exes, and switch therapists like outfits…the problem isn’t the world; it’s you. Writing a book like this isn’t just embarrassing, it’s outright pathetic. But what else can you expect from a boring, liberal, self-styled victim whose greatest talent is mediocrity?
@@havingfunisnthardWhich parts gave the impression she was suggesting Anna’s feelings were unjustified? It seem you missed or misunderstood the times she acknowledged Anna’s source of trauma aka the justification for her stance. The example/analogy of traumatized dogs was one of those times. There was no need to list all examples (your “all animals”) to make the point. Finally, please clarify what you mean exactly by “societies that respect feminine values have been rare to the point of nonexistence?” That they don’t exist? Have gone extinct? So rare they’re inconsequential? Or something else?
I’ve always thought that John and Anna-Marie had a mutual NDA because he very conspicuously never mentioned her again publicly after the divorce. But of course you’re right that John holds a lot of power in this situation and could probably dictate the terms of the NDA
@@abdvilliers222Its also quite beneficial for Anna to not be mentioned in his stand up where she might be painted in a bad light or where unflattering things are revealed about her. Not saying its not more of a benefit for him overall but it definitely also protects her from having to worry about being a part of his work going forward.
I'll be honest: I came in for the Mulaney gossip but I stayed for your very balanced reflections on feminism, celebrity culture, and the prison of likeability. I especially appreciated your insight on how gender essentialism limits interectional feminism -- I've always thought that but never managed to put it in those words. I also appreciated how you constantly caveated your points of conjecture on Mulaney/Tendler's lives by adding that you don't know "these people", i.e., celebrities. It made me conscious of my own need for celebrities whose work I like to have likeable personalities, and reminded me to not fall into that that trap! I came away inspired to read more, reflect more on what I read, and also really examine my own relationship with celebrity culture. Thanks so much!
"If Anna Marie Tendler were my friend, and I read this book, I would tell her: in order to truly love yourself, you may need to learn how to forgive the world that made you as you are. Your art has something in it that is very genuine and vulnerable which makes it cool, and these nerds that you dated and spent your whole life emulating will try to buy that coolness their whole lives, and they will never succeed. Because unlike you, they don't have the courage to say something that is true. They're too afraid to be human. They're too afraid to not be liked, even if it's just for a second." OOF. This is so incredible, I love it. What a thoughtful, insightful, well-written and delivered review. I've subscribed and look so, so forward to seeing what you do next.
As a a woman with a photo degree..! I loved her photos I thought they were so ethereal and really showed how a woman’s identity can dissolve in a home or in home life. I think a photo book with small snippets about her life would’ve been MUCH better. It’s probably really hard to write about your life 1.) when you’re still living your life lmao 2.) a huge chunk of your life is under a NDA…
I also think a photo book would still be fairly popular due to the attention on the divorce - everyone would be analyzing her photography for meaning the way Swifties decode lyrics. She would still be able to express what she couldn't say/write and the audience would lock in.
@@zztopz7090 as respectfully as i can be while asking this - are you out of your goddamn mind? because i can assure you there are hundreds of years of history that show just how unhappy women were with the suffocating role of domesticity that was forced upon them by men. in fact i’m pretty sure there was an entire movement borne out of women’s frustrations with being reduced to mere bang-maids in the home, but what do i know? not like they taught this particular piece of history in schools or anything, or that there’s any freely available resources (such as wikipedia) that helpfully detail what i’m talking about!
@@anishinaabae"-hundreds of years of history that show how unhappy women were with the suffocating role of domesticity that was forced upon them by men".?! Jesus.. what a statement. That isn't merely wrong, its wronger than wrong. Meaning its not a matter of just being incorrect, its basis is nonexistent.
It's such an injustice that she didn't do the photography collection. There are so many celebrity memoirs but, with risk of sounding rude, I don't think she is a celebrity. Anna Marie Tendler is an artist first a foremost, she isn't a personality that people project onto like John Mulaney, and she isn't a piece of people's childhoods like Jennette Mccurdy. She is someone who creates art based on what she feels. A photography book would have shown off her craft and allowed her to spread her wings as an artist thus launching her career. It's tragic that she's effectively trapped in the role as John Mulaney's ex wife rather than her own person. I don't know everything about her or her life but I don't think anyone deserves to only be known in comedy bits by their ex partner.
Simon & Schuster's decision to release a memoir rather than a photography book is (I'm nearly 100% certain) a reflection of the publishing industry being strictly a business. Black and white. Dollars and cents. In other words, a straight financial decision. Anna Marie Tendler is likely not well-known enough as an artist to garner the recognition needed to warrant the expense of S&S publishing an art book. But she IS well-known enough (as John Mulaney's ex-wife) to warrant a contract to publish a dishy celebrity memoir. The fact that the book wasn't dishy (due to the probable NDA Siobhan mentions) didn't so much matter to the S&S because they could still advertise MEN HAVE CALLED HER CRAZY as a dishy memoir--right up until the time it finally released.
@@susanalfieri4487I agree and think that was a bad move. I didn’t know her before the drama of their separation but I felt something in her pictures on instagram (the artistic ones). I was waiting for her to release a photography book. I’d have bought it. I have zero interest in her memoir
That is tragic. I really hope that Anna Marie weathers all of this public detailing for the better. Her flaws and faults do not disqualify her from peace.
I'm honestly just really sad for Anna Marie, just as a fellow human being. I really hope she can find the thing that fits her best and brings her joy and let's her heal.
As a john mulaney fan who knew nothing of AMT outside of his specials i wanted to see why so many people are just vitriolicly hating him since his divorce with her. I loved this dissection of the book. So empathtic and grounded and thorough. I am so impressed no only at how great this analysis but also fact that i was glued to my screen for an hour long book review!
37:20 "[Trauma is] like we stumble upon a beach town wrecked by a hurricane and looking at the branches and the buildings on the ground, we ask ourselves "Why did they build it like this?"" Brilliant writing.
I found this powerful…it inspires me to think more objectively about my own trauma, as well as maintaining awareness about my own tendency to be judgemental in the face of an other’s.
This book has a lot of pain and suffering in it, for sure. It’s very reminiscent of memoirs of housewives or young women from before the feminist first wave. I think it’s a really interesting portrait of a person who is quick to tie up her self esteem in her male partners, and which cracks and crumbles apart when they prove to be unfaithful, predatory, or unreliable. She laments her lack of success as a “stop and start” life, but pins the blame not on how hard it is to be self-sufficient or supported as an artist in America… but on the men she was with, and relying upon materially and emotionally to support her. I also love the little looks into the class conflict she has when another woman accuses her of being a gold-digger- something that’s an obvious sore spot for her. What a testament to how little things have changed for certain classes of women in America!
I think the certain class could be more readily surmised by “a kept woman” she wants that life/was raised to want it but it’s not tenable to happiness…I think she may not realize until her 50’s i’m afraid.
She reminds me so much of my sister, who has the mindset that the men in her life “happen” to her rather than partners she’s chosen. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own life.
I clicked on this in morbid curiosity and stayed for the whole thing, up too late, because your writing is compelling, thoughtful, and compassionate. Wow!!
You bring up a lot of good points, but I have to say, I'm tired of hearing people say she's "never had a job." Yes, she's bounced around different careers and no, her jobs alone couldn't support her financially, but as someone who struggled for a long time in low-paying jobs due to my own mental illness, this really grates on me.
so it's cool that she's been carried by men her entire life and accepts zero responsibility for her own circumstances? your takeaway is that she's broken, all men suck, yeah she has been carried by men and hasn't had a job but, you know, mental illness?
@@taffysaur No. I just think it's odd to be dismissive of a whole person and their character, based on their inability to work or lack of traditional career.
Stumbled over this video completely randomly, didn't even know this book existed... but enjoyed it thoroughly beginning to end. I thought your breakdown was so easy to follow and so grounded and I enjoyed your perspective a lot. Also... SUCH a soothing voice. So nice. So pleasant.
I mean, aren’t memoirs meant to be just personal? expecting character arc and unproblematic feminism is for fiction imo. I don’t think real life often works out like that
I'd argue that when you sit down and write you memoir you are at a point in your life where you did a bit of self-reflection and maybe a bit of healing. Because otherwise the memoir is just you retelling your history, without really any point to it beyond "hey, look at my life! pay attention to my life!" I do totally agree that perfect feminism in a memoir is too much to ask but a bit of introspection which could be a form of character arc seems like a basic minimum imo
Nah you're thinking of auto-biographies. Auto-biography and memoir have come to be used interchangeably now because they're often put together on the same shelf in bookstores, and celebrity auto-biographies have been co-opting the memoir label to make them seem fancier than they are. But auto-biography is meant to be a faithful retelling of a person's life from the person themselves and memoir is meant to be the retelling of a person's life using narrative storytelling techniques also written by the person themselves. Like, auto-biography is very factual, and memoir is very vibes based. They should both be telling a real story on the whole, but the memoir writer is adapting their story to the medium of a book (using narrative techniques like character arcs) whereas the auto-biographer is just trying to tell their story as it is.
I see where you're coming from, although I will push back a bit. I can't think of a critically acclaimed mental health memoir that didn't have at least some character arc. But please recommend some if you can think of them-- I love books that break traditional structure.
This was one of the most insightful, well-crafted, and deeply empathetic book reviews I've ever seen. Thank you for all the time and effort you invested carefully putting so many complexities into words -- I'll be thinking about this video for a long time. One thought I did have is if John Mulaney's "wife guy" persona is a deliberate ploy for relatability/likeability, or if it's him projecting an image of stability even though his personal life was actual chaos. Publically, John Mulaney chose a very clean-cut, old-timey comedian persona, and though he referenced his substance abuse, he always did so in the past tense, as if it's something he's overcome. Same as with relationship troubles. For good or for ill, being married is seen as a sign of stability, it has an aspirational quality; and I don't know, I could see how in the grip of addiction, references to a loving marriage could be used to reassure everyone, including John himself, that he didn't have a problem and things were okay. This could explain why he's doing the same thing again, waxing poetic about growing old raising kids in the suburbs, despite this kind of thing backfiring on him so spectacularly the first time. It's aspirational, it's reassuring. I don't know if this changes anything for the "wife guy" allegations, but maybe it's less "using his wife/children to get him positive PR" and more "being overly reliant on his wife/children for a sense of normalcy."
@@captainjuliab Excellent points. Though it’s worth noting there’s a slight difference in the two idealized visions of self, the latter requires growing old. I believe that element adds a significant distinction. The old version was mostly present, with some past tense; the newer version is present and future. That looking towards the future is huge for anyone that struggles with mental health. So with that said, his current public persona feels more grounded, focused, and hopeful.
I find the “wife guy” allegations silly because his comedy always talks about his personal life in some way and his wife at the time was a big part of that. And he only really has one bit about her. And one bit about being childfree. But certain parts of the internet really fixated on those two bits.
I couldn't stop wondering who got Petunia in the divorce, if she was ok, were they co-dig-parenting until I had to go seek out an update, only to find all of this sadness including Petunia's passing and Anna's trauma and distress. I'd only really heard of either of them from JM's comedy and the dissonance between how he portrayed the divorce and how Anna did really struck me.
You touched on it briefly but it’s wild for me to see so many people discussing her story and just glossing over the fact that she was coerced as a minor into at least two different relationships with abusive and controlling adult men. I get that it doesn’t excuse her lack of introspection or accountability into adulthood, but those relationships are NOT examples that can be used when trying to find behavioral patterns to label her as lazy or a gold digger considering she could not consent to those relationships (especially when they were in the context of her trying to escape a dysfunctional home life?!), nor did she have the power in those relationships to make those men take care of her financially. Moreover, I think there’s a difference between punching down and just punching in general. Neither is okay, but I don’t think the scenario of a woman degrading her partner would be considered “punching down” because that would imply that we exist in a matriarchy. Her behavior is considered being an asshole, being abusive, and displacing her anger in inappropriate ways, but the woman still does not have the systemic-level upper hand. I got what you meant though and agree that anyone is capable of becoming so focused on being the victim in one scenario that they lose sight of or even outright deny their own privileges and abilities to victimize others. Also, I can imagine that Anna, as a predominantly visual medium artist, might’ve been happy to allow the book to read very messily, whether due to an NDA or not, because it paints the picture of the chaos and distress she has experienced. As you pointed out, the missing context is very loud and uncomfortable for readers because it would make it easier for us to empathize with her if she had a more well-rounded, self-reflective story. I could almost imagine it being so on brand that it would be laughable for her if she had been forced to remove context about John after she just wrote out a collection of stories from times that she felt the most disempowered. But in it’s messy state it is a great conversation starter about how people are very quick to fall into apathy about a person’s trauma if it doesn’t follow a narrative equation that makes us root for them. I’m sure if her story was written from an outside perspective, most people wouldn’t have as much of a problem empathizing with her trauma, much like being told a shelter dog fears men and is aggressive toward them after being abused by one. It’s almost like the unspoken subtitle would be “And You Would Call Her Crazy Too” because it doesn’t seem like a full story of growth and healing so much as it is an open ended question about if anyone can read between the lines to see her pain. Anyway, great video and love your thoughtful analysis.
I don't think we need to live in a matriarchy for a woman to have an upper hand over a man. That is why she mentioned how white women's feminism tends not to be intersectional. It is also denying the many strides that women have made over time.
Woman and AFAB people overall cannot feel visceral and ugly pain. They have to even suffer graciously, according to societal norms. To be a perfect victim, a martyr who will silently just take it and not make any mistakes for your pain and trauma to be taken as real
I love these quotes 👇 "...the missing context is very loud and uncomfortable for readers because it would make it easier for us to empathize with her if she had a more well-rounded, self-reflective story." "...people are very quick to fall into apathy about a person’s trauma if it doesn’t follow a narrative equation that makes us root for them." Excellent points. 🎯Trauma much like a good old American movie has to have a perfect ending for people to buy into the full story. She had childhood trauma and that played into her feeling professionally aimless and leaving careers when she felt stressed or deregulated. I don't believe she is an innate gold digger (I'm not saying that's even a bad thing- but I don't ever believe that was her objective- to find a rich man to sponge off of) but her trauma and formative relationships with older abusive men shaped how quickly she was able to give up on herself & her dreams. Because she didn't want/have kids and didn't focus on a career, people especially women, don't seem able to carve out any sympathy for her. I find this sad and incredibly interesting. She is neither earth mother (Ballerina farmer) or girl boss (Sophia Amoruso) and at 40 years old without holding either title, she is useless and solely victimized by her trauma. Her life (to them) doesn't hold value nor is she 'healed enough' for a woman with no kids and no career. This specific reaction IS the story for me. 💜
You put this so well. People didn’t find a perfect victim they could attach themselves to or weaponize the words of for their own personal agendas, so they turned on her.
I'm about halfway through listening to the book. I am a little surprised at her take of men being the only/primary cause of her misery when her mother is *right.there.* Her mother who raged at her. Emotionally neglected AND abused her. Neither parent appears to have instilled her with a strong sense of self worth and self knowing. Both seemed selfish and checked out from her wellbeing, but each in a different way.
Yeah it's almost like she's seeking the validation she never got from her mother and father in her relationships, and because relationships never were able to validate that and the fact that men DO have power and DO awful things gave her parents a kind of shield. Edit: Initially I was joining on the framing that blamed the mother but both parents share equal blame. I changed my wording to reflect that and wanted to recognize the change so it doesn't come off as dishonest. My first comment had an element of misogyny in blaming just the mom, it has been called out and fixed.
@@nadjak3410what does this comment even mean? “it’s the mother’s fault. Of course it is.” Well yeah, her mother sounds emotionally unstable and abusive, so even if it’s not completely her fault she definitely is partly at fault. What exactly is the point of your comment defending the mother?
Yes. The scene when her parents pulled her away from her own birthday party as a little girl and spanked her, leaving her sobbing and distraught, all because she didn't want her picture taken was impactful. It's like Tendler's binary way of looking at gender dynamics has limited her ability to fully process her own mother's complexity.
I know it's kind of "gossip-y" but olivia finally admitted in an article earlier this week that she barely knew john when she got pregnant, so it makes me wonder if it was just a fling or if there were other intentions for her? If he was fresh out of rehab his mindset is in a completely different area and not saying he's not also responsible because it takes two to tango, but the timeline of the announcement of her pregnancy and how they were only spotted together afterwards when we hadn't seen them together prior to his divorce announcement is starting to make more sense.
I forgot where I heard this (maybe Olivia said it on a late night show?) that she met him and his wife at a party years ago and that she was fangirling over him and wanted to talk to him more etc. She was basically crushing on him for years and they stayed in touch via occasional emails according to her. So she didn’t really know him as a person but she definitely had her eye on him well before his marriage started to fall apart.
@@Stein99 That’s why she snatched him right out of rehab. She saw her chance. I also don’t believe that the baby was an accident. A woman of her age knows how to prevent pregnancy and has the means to do so (I’m not attacking her age, I’m similar age). He’s obviously not innocent in this but people out of rehab are in a vulnerable state and Olivia moved on him anyway. He was freshly sober in NY and all of the sudden he’s flying to LA to hook up with freaking Olivia Munn.
Honestly, they (John/Olivia) deserve each other. I just hope Miss Tendler gets all the love and support she needs. As a woman who went thru a lot of abuse from my ex, I wished I could give her the biggest hug. NDAs in most situations should be illegal. Let the truth fly free. 🕊
Persuasive argument, great analysis. I'm a bit embarrassed that the TH-cam algorithm has correctly pegged me as someone interested in the salacious gossip at the heart of all this, but I'm grateful that it at least brought me to a thoughtful creator with an articulate, nuanced opinion. Subscribed, looking forward to more good stuff from your channel.
This was an excellent review, and honestly, it felt closer to a discussion between learned friends, rather than a "let me tell you what I think and you'd BETTER agree with me" review, if you know what (and who) I mean. One thing I'd noticed, that hasn't been touched on very much, is the ableism present in many of the reviews. Yes, AMT is a wealthy, conventionally attractive white woman, but she is also CLEARLY suffering from some disabling issues. It can be extra scary, when you know you are too sick to hold down a regular job, to be threatened with a loss of money. I've noticed many reviews seem incensed that she's "never had a job" even though she describes several jobs throughout the book, she also describes debilitating mental health issues that would inevitably get in the way of holding down a regular 9-5. I'm not saying we should give her and her privilege a free pass, I think more than one thing can be true at once, and I agree that she clearly needs to learn more intersectional feminism. I also think she could do with going to a different therapist, who doesn't make jokes about divorcing her, because damn, that'd piss me off too!
Great comment. I love that you added more nuance to the "just get a job" response that I saw mentioned many times in the book's Goodreads. Just because she had jobs that didn't become careers doesn't invalidate them. She did have may different jobs throughout the book, so thank you for taking the time to point that out.
Agreed and there's a lot in here that makes me think she may suffer from ADHD. The constant boredom is a big one. It can be really debilitating for many people.
This absolutely. I may not ever being able to fully work a 9 to 5 type job due to my disabilities, some of them related to mental health and trauma, and may therefore need to rely more on support from my partner, and that's something I've really had to grapple with. Those comments, while I empathize with where they're coming from, also show a real ignorance about the toll mental health and disability can take on your life. I am still calculating what my life will look like, the ways it will be different from what I thought or how others expected due to my disabilities. It's not something that should be looked down on. It's a privilege to have wealth, sure, but it's not a privilege to be unable to be self-sufficient due to your disabilities. In reality, it is a deeply uncomfortable, distressing, and at times heartbreaking experience.
It doesn't seem like she's wealthy, as much as connected, which contributes to that stress. The gap between needing to keep the goodwill of your affluent network while working "normal" and "common" jobs is too wide to be healthy -- especially when her worst fears of degradation, devaluation, and discarding seem to be the most recurrent pattern she can see in her life. And it is a shame that many seem to want to be calloused and even cruel to her because they imagine other people to be more worthy of that lot in life than her, if not classically sexist.
I also come from an Irish Catholic family. My older brother was a lot like John Mulaney in public....charming, would wear suits, seemingly very intelligent and witty. He would also hit me, threaten me and consistently verbally abuse me until I broke contact with him when I was 18. Someone can be likable. And also be a piece of garbage. I find more times than not it's the likable ones who do the most harm.
It’s easier for outwardly charming people to fly under the radar regarding abuse at home - their public persona can lead to observers gaslighting the victim(s) because “he would Never do something like that! We like him!”
That must be so hard for you when people blame you for not talking to your “charming” brother you’re being unnecessarily “mean” to…as of they’d know. Good for you!!
I also had a charming manipulative Irish Catholic brother addicted to drugs. He ultimately died. I have actually had a lot of sympathy for both Anne and John. I think John gets a lot of negativity for his actions while trying to survive addiction. And I guess I think that comes off as never dealing with the tragedy of a person being controlled by addiction. I think she had depression and codependency and he had guilt and codependency, which is a recipe for disaster. I will never knock anyone who is doing anything to survive, which I have felt, people have been more empathetic to Anne. I also have that empathy for John.
@@shyviolets Beyond the idea that an NDA is involved how is this like that situation? NDAs r so common in celebrity divorces ,its not always to cover up something sinister.
I came back to leave a comment because it's been a week and I'm still thinking about this video! Your critique of "I hate men" feminism is so well-articulated. I clicked on this video thinking it would be a celebrity gossip video that I would regret watching. Instead, I got such a thoughtful and considerate take that treated both of the famous people involved as human beings. Brilliant.
… Does this not seem like someone with BPD creating their own narrative of their life where they are the victim of everything and people suddenly “bad on them” or “call them crazy for no reason.” Like she gets called a gold digger by that girl Rachelle, but her dating pattern is literally that and her refusal to commit to anything makes it seem like this person is probably much more tangled and an unreliable narrator than they are presenting.
While I might not go so far as to assume a dx, I agree that the art of each of these people should be valued as art, and if one seems coercive, that’s rooted in something besides creative conceit.
i find what you say at 40:15 SO IMPACTFUL! especially that line "Maybe sometimes healing our trauma just means giving ourselves permission to not be angry anymore." as someone who has experience trauma at the hands of men, who has had an "I hate all men" phase as a response, and still holds a lot of that anger, i just want to say that your review of this book was so nuanced and beautiful. ive acted similarly to tendler in some ways, i felt a lot of empathy from you, towards her and through that, towards myself. thanks for making this video :))))
@@IkesPimpHand are you replying to every comment on this video? surely you have something better to do other than trying to argue with people having nuanced conversations about trauma
I used to like Mulaney. But during his Seth Meyers’s interview it was apparent the math wasn’t “mathing”. As someone with depression I had more empathy for Tendler.
Same. I used to watch Seth Meyers' show regularly but it really irritated me watching in real time how he created a prominent public job for his clearly rock bottom friend and then helped him whitewash how he torpedoed his marriage. AMT doesn't have world famous friends to publicize her PR vetted side of the story to millions. it just left me with an ick about Seth..and angry for all the comics who could have been given Mulaney's pity-job and actually made the show better!
@@greenglassgoblinInteresting take. I can see it. I can see another take too though. Anna and John were married for several years and she had a life prior to him. She has met and knows a lot of wealthy, powerful, and famous people. Did she lose some of that access? Probably, but not all. Several people would still be empathetic towards her for the same or similar reasons as the general public. As for Seth Meyers, his friendship was/is obviously predominantly with John. His actions can be seen as trying to keep John close/busy/preoccupied to help in the way he could. His giving him a (temporary) job as a recurring cameo/guest, was unlikely to have been at any specific person’s expense. It also didn’t last long. As for giving a platform for the timeline whitewashing-that’s definitely a murky grey area. That wasn’t the entire point of that interview, but it was still an unsavoury result. Still, it’s not an unreasonable decision for someone who’s shown to be loyal and supportive to his close friends. Personally, I would have done differently, but I can understand different reasons things played out like they did. Ultimately, I try to keep in mind that everyone has flaws and most people are just doing what they think is best in the moment. For Seth, supporting a friend looks different than the average person, but that’s primarily what he did.
My hot take is that John and Anna were already broken up when he got with Olivia. It’s clear when his intervention happens, they were separated and living apart. Obviously being married to a famous, beloved drug addict would still be difficult even if he never cheated
something thing that you don’t mention but i feel is integral to anna’s story is her fixation on her images of herself and her beauty. as her photos of younger her prove, she has clearly been beautiful from an early age and knew how to photograph her appearance well even in her youth when many people are super awkward looking. her art generally centers images of herself, often the interplay between the interiors of the house and her pose and appearance is what makes the photo into the artwork. even being a hair and makeup artist - those are appearance focused industries. i haven’t read the book so i don’t know if she address it, but if so much of your self worth is tied up in men you landed in part thanks to your beauty, if it’s what you studied and made a living off of producing, if it’s what is integral to your art - there’s just a looooot of baggage that that brings!
Thank you for mentioning the fact that she probably got silenced through an NDA! Seeing the way John Mulaney's brand has been taking shape with the recent GQ article feature, I really feel like he / his management had a hand in the way her book was written.
I'm not American so I'm not familiar with how NDAs work there. But wouldn't you have to voluntarily sign an NDA for it to be binding? Why would you sign one if you wanted to reveal the information it was asking you to hide? Is there a way to coerce someone into signing an NDA? And would a coerced NDA even hold up in court?
@@zetaforever4953 it’s very easy to financially coerce people into these types of things, especially if the other person is suffering from severe mental health issues
@@zetaforever4953 She seems to be financially dependent on John. So it's not unlikely that she willingly signed an NDA during the divorce for ongoing financial support.
Hey fam, the words “the fact that” when paired together is an informal phrase that has the following definition according to the Oxford dictionary: “used to refer to a particular situation under discussion”. Meaning OP said “thank you for mentioning the particular situation under discussion that she probably got silenced through an NDA.” Just because the word “fact” was in there doesn’t actually mean there was an accusation that needed debunking. English is funny sometimes isn’t it? It would also be super weird if we all spoke in perfect legal jargon all the time in the TH-cam comments section! Particularly about a topic that we aren’t involved in and isn’t an active legal case that we know of. Hope that helps 👍🏼
^Not all racists have trauma though. They were just raised by racists and feel inherently superior. Sorry, I’m not about to feel bad for every Klan member…😪
I DNF-ed this book after reading more than half because I feel like you get the point quite early on. She was a product of her environment at the time. I am only a few years younger than her and was also in the alternative music scene as a young tween/teen girl. The predatory behavior was everywhere and it thoroughly messed many of us up. It was like that monologue in Gone Girl about needing to be the "Cool Girl." You had to be okay with bad behavior from predatory men because otherwise you didn't have a social group or attention. You had to be presentable because otherwise you were throwing away your social power. You could be weird, but not too weird. You could be mentally ill, but not too mentally ill and if your parents didn't know what to do with you or maybe shouldn't have had a kid to start with, you could easily get swallowed up in the lives of older men. Anger is a reasonable response to Anna's experience with these men and it is challenging to see anything in the rear view mirror when you are actively still driving through the storm.
the one thing about Anna Marie's string of posts is yes, they are wildly artistic, creative, evocative, and definitely cries for help but as a person who's struggled with depression multiple times in my life, they also seem weirdly performative. take from that what you will.
With respect, I don't think a creative person using performance as a way to process trauma is particularly odd. No different to what Mullaney does on stage.
All I'm saying is they remind me of when instead of finding healthy ways to cope, I just complained all the time. Please don't take this as an insult or ignorance, I know plenty of creative people use whatever as an outlet, and it can help, but there's also some revelry happening here. Like instead of trying to move on, it seems like she's arranged everything to be as bleak as possible for her
@@quinnmarchese6313totally get it yeah, bit of a defeatist, doomer vibe going on for sure. Thanks for having an actual civil discussion with me on TH-cam! Seems increasingly rare these days.
Amazing. I want to be clear I mean this as a high compliment (because I simply don’t have the time to read all the books I will want to read in my life) - This video is a gem that makes me feel the satisfaction of reading a book AND getting a fantastic analysis. I don’t even feel the need to read this book anymore. (Which, again, I mean as a compliment.) So satisfying.
Ah thank you, I kind of went back and forth about including the summary of the book so I'm glad it flowed well in this case. I was inspired by Owl Criticism's review of A Little Life, "Euthanasia Fan Fiction." I hadn't read A Little Life so I liked that he took the time to tell the story. I also love how withcindy gives summaries of what she reads but also makes funny commentary while summarizing
You approached this book with empathy, which is a much better stance than all the other interpretations I've seen so far. I personally believe her life would become infinitely more fulfilling and satisfying to her if she started using her talents in serving and helping other people. She has so much kindness with nowhere to put it, so she wallows in self-pity because she's currently the only subject of her own sympathy.
Great video and review. One of the few very balanced and measured takes I've seen on the book/author. Also, I'm totally stealing that analogy of walking up to a hurricane-stricken pier and asking "why'd they build it like this?" That's perfect lol
Everyone talks about how John said "he" didn't want kids, but I noticed some very interesting themes in his language discussing the topic, as well as Anna's IG photographs following their divorce. I feel very strongly that SHE was the one who did not want kids, and he always presented it as a mutual decision, because.... well, that's the PR appropriate (and relationship-healthy) approach. I do not think John changed his mind, he was just hoping Anna would. Look back on his stand-up where he talks about this... You'll see the clues are all there
Also, people are allowed to change their minds about having children. If John didn't want kids when he was with Anna and later decided he did want kids, that doesn't make him a bad person.
I don't think he planned on marrying a child free person solely for the pr of his future possible shows...I do believe he shared her views when he was younger, but I also do think that it is clearly visible throughout his work that his views changed, for someone child free he seemed incredibly interested in kids, childhood and parent-child relationships, to the point of creating a whole show with kids. I didn't find it surprising that he embraced fatherhood.
@@ThatWeirdo04Yes I didn’t want kids at all earlier in my marriage, I finally decided I did 8 years later. We had a daughter. Many times you look back at your younger self and think “Wow, I was a completely different person”.
A lot of people, including myself, used to not want kids until I did. I think the reason, if she is honest, the reason they talked about not having kids is because deep down they knew this relationship was not healthy especially if he was still doing blow.
Unrelated to the main points in this video around the time when he was falling from grace with the public due to the divorce and rehab and etc. he also received backlash from a chunk of his queer fans because he brought Dave chappelle on stage at one of his shows and this was at the time when Dave chappelle started his tirade against trans people. So while a lot of people were a bit parasocial in their critique and dislike of him since most of what was coming out was very personal stuff me and a lot of other fans of his were more upset about his uplifting of a transphobic figure at one of his shows. Just something I wanted to bring up since he makes himself out to be very harmless and progressive but he was also openly associating with Dave chappelle and even bringing him on stage so yeah. Edit: a little fact check here cause I only remembered this from some Facebook posts in a john mulaney fan group at the time the specifics of this was he had Dave chappelle open a show in Ohio for him in 2022 so not the exact time frame as the rest of the backlash but it was noted that Dave told transphobic jokes at this show so about right yeah.
Many women have faced unwanted advances, endured toxic relationships, and suffered cheating, yet few harbor the depth of animosity AMT holds toward men. I suspect her hatred springs not from these too-common wounds, but from the paralyzing helplessness and self-loathing that emerges from an entire lifetime of financial dependence on the very men who victimized her.
People don't respond to traumatic events in the same exact way. Some have better psychological defenses and mechanisms that help them overcome it. I have never been in an abusive relationship with a man, never relied on a man financially, yet I had the same exact response the year when by very strange coincidence I happened to realise how many women and girls in my life have been violently sa'd by men, sometimes when they were literal babies. It wasn't even my direct trauma that put me into that state. Considering her very first relationships were all abusive and predatory while also happening in the very fragile formative years of her teenagehood, I am not surprised she exploded at some point.
@@VeganBambi your very life depends on men. If men stopped working for one day the results on society would be catastrophic. You realise that inwardly, and also that your cushy life has been due to the sacrifice,talent and hardwork of billions of men past and present,and that's why you're hateful to men.
I think you're really underestimating the amount of women who hold that level of animosity towards men. Many just don't have the opportunity to put it out in the open, especially because of how taboo it still is for women to express their anger.
Wow didn't realize this was a small channel until the video was finished. Very interesting and well put together. Won't be surprised when you blow up 🔥
It sounds like AMT has never learned that sometimes, you are not the victim. Sometimes, everyone is at fault, or no one is, or people are at fault but in different ways. She is miserable because she is spending mental energy identifying herself as a victim.
The worst part of my day was realizing that you only had five videos for me to watch. I was only mildly interested in this celebrity gossip and your amazing review opened it up to be a discussion of trauma and feminist philosophy. Please make more of these.
This was an amazing video and review! I love that you went into the fact that she really could not talk about the divorce even if she wanted to and the marketing behind it all. I will mention though that you pronounced "Sikh" as "Sheikh" when it's actually pronounced "Seek". But you've definitely earned a new subscriber :)
Heres what i know 1.) Drug addiction changes someone, changes their brain chemistry, and is a disease 2.)People change, good and bad 3.) We never know whats going on behind closed doors 4.) Good and bad experiences in a relationship are all valid and real. Even though he was on drugs, the hurt suffered from it is still real and valid My great grandpa started a cycle of generational trauma because of the substances he was addicted to. He hurt my grandma, who then hurt my mom, who then went to therapy to make sure she never hurt me❤. Addiction is devestating.
The whipped cream whipping cream thing happened almost exactly to me while I was working for a non profit. I was teased (in good nature) relentlessly for getting the two mixed up. Ironically the non profit was for getting underprivileged kids tutoring. And I was the only one who actually came from that background. To this day I think about that and cringe at my mistake. But I had never had either in my fridge in my life.
I remember seeing that tweet on my timeline and that’s how I learned whipping cream exists like I thought you just used heavy cream for handmade stuff anyways 😭
@@sophiechiewtrakoonthey do. Schlag. Like a legitimately BANGIN’ homemade “whipped cream” is whipped heavy cream. Like for thanksgiving, heavy cream a splash of bourbon and a splash of vanilla in a frozen bowl, whipped by hand until the arms are truly worked out….. Is the most delicious thing. On top of pumpkin pie. : )
I'm so glad this came across my feed! Excellent review, I appreciate the way you handled the white feminism/gender essentialism discussion. The "I don't want to have sons" bit reminded me of a short story by queer feminist author Carmen Maria Machado, "The Husband Stitch." That story explores this idea in a much more interesting way than "boys will always become bad men."
I feel like the Husband Stitch was massively useful to me as a Man. Reading it I couldn’t help but be self reflective and think of how the patriarchy might be benefitting me. How I might be taking advantage of the women in my life. The big one for me was I realized how fucked up it is that my wife doesn’t have access to our money and has to ask me to buy things. That’s a big power imbalance, and I wouldn’t have realized if it wasn’t for the perspective and mind set that the husband stitch put me in. I massively recommend it if anyone’s curious.
@@IsaacSloan-g3u I honestly don't mean any shade, but that's quite a big thing to just now realize. Maybe we live in completely different places but to me that sounds extremely old-fashioned. But then again this might be where I find out that it's way more common than I thought, I know very little about marriages.
That’s totally fair. We always intended to get her added to the account and kept putting it off, it’s more that I realized that her having to go through me wasn’t just an inconvenience for her that should get fixed at some point, it was a DANGER for her that needed fixed immediately.
@@splitpruneif you don't mean any shade, what is it that you mean? 😄you place yourself on an imaginary line of progress much farther than someone who undid their social conditioning, implying being born in a different, no doubt more "civilised" place and how unfathomable it is to you, the civilised one, to be aware of the existence of the uncivilized.
Also I love how you talk about the gender essentialist problem in a lot of feminists -- it's so insidious and underrecognized in the space, and you explain it so well!
oh yes!! i think gender essentialism gives awful men a pass to do shitty things. because the idea is that they "biologicially ingrained to do so" in gender essentialist theory. but if we say that's just nature then women never get justice for the shitty things they do to women. this behavior is TAUGHT and it is SOCIALIZED in them. and we must fight against a world that teaches men to be awful to women!
If theres one thing that +10 years of therapy has taught me is that owning up to your decisions and their consequences, accepting your life is not completely out of your control and that youre not just a victim of circumstance, is the only way towards healing. If you believe everything’s outside of your control and everyone/thing else is to blame, you take away any tools from your hands to shape your life and healing into what you want it to be. Im saying this also as someone who suffered abuse. Much love to everyone healing! ❤
A lot of things are outside of your control when your family is abusive and you have no resources or way out. She got taken advantage of by so many XYs with the promise of taking care of her. She DID TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for her actions by doing therapy, getting a divorce, and being open with the public. I cannot say the same for John. Yeah, he went to therapy... after he was given an ultimatum. Which means he did not go of his own choice, but probably felt pressured. Those that don't want the help for themselves usually relapsed more than those that volunteered on their own. I'm comparison, Marie has shown AMAZING growth. ✨️🌱🫡 There's no proof that she DIDN'T take any accountability. Sometimes people are just victims and you can't overanalyze what they "might have" done wrong. She's not trying to be a perfect victim, this is her therapy to heal. Writing a book to express her torment and pain. It might look ugly, messy, and uncomfortable... but that's healing for you. Scars and autopsies are never pretty. I look at this book like it's a St. Anger album. James Hetfield coming out of rehab and awkwardly finding his footing with the rest of the band. It didn't land well, but it caused a world wide conversation. Which is an accomplishment, even if its not a great art piece. I think she did the best she could.
Your cadence is good! I don’t know how to explain it but i could listen you speak for 2 more hours. Thanks for the review I don’t know any person involved but it was super entertaining and I got book recommendations so its a win!
My interpretation of all this is that they probably had a toxic marriage and John just needed to start over. No matter how messy or painful he made it, there's no way it wasn't the best thing for both of them. Speculating here - her insecurities and inability to forgive the men in her life might have made it harder for John to pull himself out of whatever self destructive hole he was in. As the child of co-abusive parents, and someone who has fought to cultivate forgiveness and empathy for the men in my life, I think it's impossible for men to better themselves under the oppressive hatred of abused women, and it's impossible for women to heal and escape cycles of abuse under the thumb of broken, self-hating men. Seems to me she wrote the memoir because she had no choice financially, and this was yet again her relying on the men (or ghosts thereof) in her life for financial support. I hope she finds healing and a clean break from the public eye.
This is genuinely one of the most earnest, eloquent, well thought out book overview/reviews I’ve seen in a long time. I appreciate your nuance and I can tell you put a lot of effort into taking a sympathetic approach to this video. Excellent work!
This was a lovely review. Your talent with words really shines through here; there were more than a few points that I found myself chuckling. I was someone who wasn't particularly invested one way or another in the public drama (I think I said at the time something to the effect of "disappointed but not at all surprised"), so the almost matter-of-fact delivery of this review and the very necessary context of it all really worked for me.
What an eloquent, thorough and well-researched video essay! I thought this was a much bigger channel. Thank you for your insightful and in-depth analysis of this memoir, I had no interest in reading it but deeply enjoyed the nuanced take on its contents.
This is exactly the kind of analysis we need around the issue of identity politics and how essentializes people based on qualities outside of their control is ultimately unhelpful and not reflective of reality
she says by the end of the book that she was diagnosed with bpd, but she glosses over and disagrees with the doctors. she's not ready to accept the diagnosis yet
That was my first thought, as well... from knowing people who have been diagnosed with BPD, and who grew up with similar family dysfunction. The patterns of thoughts and behavior, are textbook.
you absolutely knocked it out of the park with this vid! i appreciate the nuance and compassion you approached the topic with, and despite the long runtime it didn't feel like a single second was wasted.
I agree that this was an NDA memoir but I would say that doesn’t define this book entirely. This book and the public response to it was a masterclass on how others view people who have gone through immense trauma- that if you don’t tell everyone the specifics, you will be judged, ridiculed, and unless someone is a particularly empathetic person, they are not going to bother to look deeply and try to understand you. As a survivor of abusive relationships who doesn’t wish to ever tell the details to my friends or family, I relate to her backlash and I think writing and releasing something like this with the full knowledge that people will only see the parts of yourself that you’re deeply ashamed of, (the trauma response) is very brave.
It sounds like the source of Anna Marie Tender's problems is actually Anna Marie Tendler, not "all men". TYPICAL - not taking responsibility for her own actions. I'm not saying that some bad things haven't happened to her, but sometimes you are the only common denominator in your life.
First, let me say I have not read this book. I am commenting on your description. Anna’s first problem is the very obvious PTSD from her abusive mother. It leaves you paralyzed and barely capable of taking care of yourself. She can’t really achieve anything and abandons every career choice because she thinks she’s not good enough, bc she’s been told so. She is severely broken. Perhaps she thrusted herself into situations with men who have a lot of money and fame because she wanted to live in a fantasy world where she is taken care of, and vicariously living in the world of famous, rich people to make her feel better about herself. This is a difficult person to be with for any length of time. She is literally all over the place; I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for him.. He stayed for 7 years and the fact that he was taking drugs may have been bc of this tormented life he was thrust into. There are two sides to every story. I wouldn’t point fingers at him. I think he escaped an inconceivablly negative roller coaster ride. But she needs to stop blaming all men, look at herself, and talk about whatever it is her mother did to her.
I'd like to find a liminal space of derision into which I could chuck a few of those somewhat cruel Goodreads reviews. Maybe I'm being too paternalistic, but it's like they're telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and walk. Yes, ATM has agency in her own healing ; but then again, it's hard for the broken-legged to walk to hospital. At the very least, it will be slow and there will be a lot of howling in pain. I hope she continues to make progress and maybe there is another book that will show that. Your review was entertaining, informative and sensitive. Subscribed.
i don’t really like theorizing on celebrity plastic surgery (not trying to fault you for this and i understand where that’s coming from, i’m not immune to getting curious about this myself), i do think that one’s whole look may change monumentally after you get sober from multiple substances and have a child. you’re probably eating more and totally different foods and sleeping much less to name a few things, essentially your whole lifestyle looks 100% different and that may have a very noticeable effect of your looks. not saying that he didn’t have any either! i just think that i see too much material online that is speculation based on comparison photos with years between them, taken in different lighting, different makeup etc. and the speculation always strikes me as a bit prodding and often unnecessary. i know this isn’t a main point in the video, but it was the only one i had much of anything to say about, since your analysis is very comprehensive and polished. this is a fantastic review! subscribed :)
Yeah good point, I think it's so common among wealthy entertainers that I just assume lol But you're right that it definitely could not be the case. Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment!
@@hj5520He's also aging and losing his baby face. He was late 20's when he started being known and now he's early 40's. But people still have that younger face in mind when they think of him.
I’m only 10 minutes into this.. I went to check on who you are as a channel.. because it’s SO well done already, I was like.. who is this?! .. I’m absolutely floored that this is a small channel 😮 You’re fantastic! I’m subbed already.. I look forward to seeing your other takes on things! You’re definitely going to grow well, if you’re producing content like this.. really well done..
I think I misread the timestamp, so I was shocked to realize this video was, in fact, almost an hour long. Especially since it felt like it flew by so smoothly
This whole video is worth more than the first ten minutes of the audiobook. Am a CSA and DV survivor, and am married to the most amazing man I have ever met. I subscribed to Tendler’s tumblr back when she was with College Humor-I wanted to love her book because I loved the snippets of life she wrote about. Down to the societal impacts, your elegantly worded description this was a profoundly validating perspective. Love hearing you talk about this. Can’t wait to hear more!
This is not only a wonderful video and a great review, it’s one of the most thoughtful things I’ve ever seen on the internet. As someone who has spent this year grappling with trauma and (often reluctantly) cleaned out a lot of emotional wounds, I wish there were more people like you out there. Holding yourself accountable for your situation is so hard, but it is truly the only way forward. Your critique is insightful and clearly anchored in empathy, and I hope this video brings you a lot of well-deserved success.
At 7:12… people with psychosis suffer from a lot of misinformation and discrimination, so it feels wrong to use “psychotic” as an insult. I did really like this video overall, though, and will definitely be subscribing and looking forward to your later work! This left me with so many things to think about and that I want to discuss with others.
This. I really think if you wouldn’t use the word “r*tarded”, you shouldn’t use “psychotic” as a pejorative - the arguments for not using them are the same except that r*tarded is no longer used as a medical term and the stigma of psychosis actively makes treatment harder. And even when someone knows that psychosis is just hallucinations and delusions, they think it makes a person violent or illogical or stupid and like the person should be able to snap out of it, but psychosis is really just a problem with your senses interpreting input inaccurately and who it happens to has nothing to do with their personality. There’s no snapping out of your senses lying to you about reality. I really wish more people would get that. … sorry to jump on your comment and ramble there, I’m really pleased to see someone point this out because I have a family member who has had it and the stigma and general attitude of people has an actual damaging impact on their recovery but mostly when I try to say something or speak in defence of anyone with it I’m usually basically told to shut up - even from people who say they care about mental health issues. So I feel really happy seeing other people say something about it.
@@SiobhanBrierAguilar hey, it means a lot when people with a platform listen to their viewers about this issue! its people like you who will help us change the colloquial usage of the word psychotic from a synonym for evil to what it actually is: a condition that makes people very vulnerable. sincerely, thank you. ❤
35:00 onwards is SO IMPORTANT. I am slowly crawling my way out of the trauma-induced misandrist mindset, mostly because it's a really hard way to live. The insight that people can break out of socialized gender traits just like they can break out of gender traits they are born with is very helpful. Being opposed to patriarchy is a lot more useful than being opposed to men. But how can we protect ourselves without avoiding men, or without being more careful with them than with non-men? Some men are genuinely predators who will never see women as human beings, and some are just people, and it is impossible to reliably tell the difference until it is too late.
(44:45) I love how you bring up intersectionality in regards to the "i hate men philosophy". Another intersection in addition to race is neurodivergence. Especially with the wipping cream example, there are so many assumtions being made to reduce the wipping cream incident to a "man" thing. It's just goes to show how reductive "hating all men" can be.
I can't recommend Know My Name by Chanel miller enough, it's about how to process your trauma when the whole world is watching and how she is a fucking inspiration
So I saw the baby j special live and then recently watched part of the netflix special. Interestingly to me, he seemed so much more comfortable and made the audience feel so much more like we were on his side/laughing with him as a way of talking about really messed up things in his life. The netflix special i had to stop watching because he seemed so uncomfortable and stilted in it, and it made me feel kinda like a creep. I think the process of recording it really had an impact on the way that special played out
That is so interesting to me. I've never seen him live but maybe he gets camera shy. I can imagine how uncomfortable it must be (and how unnatural it must feel) to make fun of yourself for your own worst habits in front of a camera and crew. Thank you for sharing your insight
@@SiobhanBrierAguilar Yeah, his previous specials I've seen on netflix never felt so stilted, but none of them were baring such personal dirt of the type that changes people's perception of you... Must have had an impact
Sometimes the algorithm takes mercy on my soul and pops something this thoughtful and empathetic on a timeline bogged down by miserable world events. Immediate sub, I’m grateful that you are taking the time to illustrate your thoughts to the public and this form of video-essaying is extremely convenient and useful for someone like me, who’s always keeping myself busy for fear of the angry thoughts seeping into my periphery. Anyway, you touched on some super personal feelings and shed a light on some of the burdens I carry toward myself and my gender. Particularly helpful to absorb after these election results and the animosity I’m starting to align with over the portion privileged women that abandoned their own interests.
As a man who has been in a long term relationship with a woman who I did not want kids with (I personally didn’t think she would have been a good mother) and then wanting kids afterwards once I wasn’t with her anymore, I can potentially understand John’s situation. Also, has nobody mentioned that maybe it was Anne Marie who didn’t want the kids and John just went along with her?
I really appreciated this video and it gave me so much to think about and discuss! One note: Sikh is pronounced “sick” and is very much a different thing to “Sheikh”.
This is such a great video! I’ve been looking for someone to explain this situation and book who isn’t the media or a John Mulaney stan. Definitely going to check out your channel :)
If she needs to prove to her readers that she was right about an argument with her boyfriend, imagine what it was like being married to her. Mulaney made some comments on talk shows that indicated she belittled him, such as when she refused to go to an awards show because she didn’t want to “fly out there to watch you lose.” We really don’t know his side of the story, and it’s unfair to blame him for her trauma when she clearly had traumatic experiences before they even met. Considering what he has revealed about his childhood, he might have been attracted to her because she wasn’t good for him.
The lack of John in Anna's book reminded me of Cecily Strong's memoir. She was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship in her 20s. Before publishing, she sent her ex what she wrote about that time. It was about what she went through not even focusing so much on the abuse rather the effect it had on her. He in turn very coldly replied that he doesn't want her publishing it. She then decided to leave those 11 pages blank. It was so impactful that I started crying looking at those empty pages. Her life, her pain, her grief. Completely wiped out because this abuser after more than a decade still had that power.
Holy shit that’s so sad
She talked about it on Conan O'Brien's podcast. I would highly recommend listening to the episode.
That is so powerful
And that’s why you don’t write a memoir about abusive relationships. You write novels, or movies, or tv shows. Or songs. And then you watch them grind their teeth.
@@fghdrdthtgfghjhdf2540 just don't write an article not even mentioning them by name, then you'll get sued for slander and what seems like the entire media and internet will mock you and your pain during the trial.
As a drug rehab nurse-it’s highly encouraged to speak bluntly about addiction.
I have empathy for her but honestly-her issues plus his…that’s bad man. So bad.
Not wanting children in that situation is possibly the single most responsible thing those two did.
I think this too. As a consumer of popular media and celebrity gossip - this whole story was perfectly tragic and explosive, made more interesting by the obvious NDA limitations on what we knew for sure. As myself an addict - between the two of these people, this was never going to end well.
What do you think of the GQ article and how a 6 month pregnant Olivia was testing him and listening through the door. What should a support system do? is it better that way?
Yes 100%. For me, anyone who would say "I want a baby but only a girl-- I don't want a boy" isn't ready to have kids. Having kids isn't for everyone. And if your baby isn't even born and you're already trying to dictate the person who they are or will be then becoming a parent is a Bad Idea
Yet he dated/was having raw sex at least if not dating IN REHAB when you’re supposed to wait 12 months after recovery…surprised you didn’t mention that important fact but instead chose to throw her under the bus like she’s too mentally unwell to have a kid. So was he. In fact, way more so…He was addicted to two substances and torpedoed his own life. Not to mention we now know a man on alcohol can cause FAS to the baby even if the mom isn’t drinking a drop. And they said they BOTH didn’t want babies what is this alternative reality??! 😭 Boy byeee. And who caused her sudden intense depressive episode? Hmm? Pleeease I don’t need to read your reply. You said it all very “subtly” here.
@@samaraisntthe op explicitly said theyre glad the TWO of them decided not to have kids together, likely due to both of their issues
“You called likability a prison, so why are you knocking down the door of the jail trying to get locked up again, this time with your babies” my jaw hit the floor, so well said
literally! she fucking cooked in this video!
That was so succinct because I listened to his monologue on SNL and was thinking you really have no other schtick.
Honestly, she put that so eloquently. Loved how she articulated thar
@@ap5587
7:17 very well said
Never knew she had a memoir, didn't know Petunia died, never heard of your channel or you - but I sure spent 56 minutes listening to you really get into this book I would never have read. And it was FASCINATING. You're good at what you do.
A brief note: "Sikh" is pronounced "sick", the same as the English word. Sikhism is a religious movement that originated in the Punjab region of India. Thus Manguso's breezy use of the doctor's presumed religious identity functions for her as a cute pun ("Sikh" sounds just like "sick"! get it?!), and is also implicitly racist (Sikhism is a non-proselytizing religion, and therefore the vast majority of Sikhs are ethnically Indian and racially non-white).
Was just about to make this exact comment!! I was genuinely invested in the entire video
Same! (Although I did know Petunia died.) I watched this whole thing and I am in awe of the research and work that went into this video.
I have always heard it pronounced as "seek".
Can't believe your comment is how I found out that Petunia died
The punk scene is still exploitative and unkind to women. Hearing that's where she spent her teenage years after having an abusive mom instantly filled me with dread
Whatever, you white knight cuck!
I disagree. Yes, abusive men infiltrate all communities. Just like the BDSM community. We have to be careful. But real punks are feminists. And many women are punks, pioneers are punk music. The comedy community is still pretty misogynistic. Women are still given less time than unfunny men at open mics
this is such a thorough and yet empathetic analysis. not only did i get a book review, i got intelligent deep-dives into the mechanics of the celebrity memoirs and branding. this video is going to be incredibly successful!
Wow that means a lot thank you
Same thoughts! It’s incredibly refreshing.
Agreed!
Agree! New subscriber now!! :) it almost feels exciting when I feel like I’ve discovered someone before they’ve been discovered by the mainstream 😂😂 ugh, why am I like this lol
@@the.chronic.ironic because you yearn for the real and popularity can sometimes destroy that. Also I just wrote that to sound cool. 😅 k love you, bye
Wow please keep the comments coming. I wanted this to be more of a discussion than a critique and you folks have truly risen to the occasion.
I want to make this clear: I mean no offense to John Mulaney or to Anna Marie Tendler or anyone else mentioned in this video. As Kendrick Lamar wrote: "You ain't felt grief 'til you've felt it sober." Sobriety is hard. Divorce is hard. Life is hard. I wish them nothing but healing and peace
If anyone found anything you said offensive, they were looking for a reason. You were critical of the novel, not the humans, not hateful or speculating in a damaging way-ai found it all thorough and kind! You truly did all your research & counteracted criticism you felt with attempts to give grace based on whatever trauma or events we don’t know etc etc. You are really, truly a healthy version of seeing both sides of a story it seems like-I research EVERYTHING to a fault & you still taught me or made me question my own beliefs on feminism & mentality stagnation etc. XO!
I appreciate your review, however it feels naive to suggest that Anna’s feelings towards men are unjustified. She’s correct in her analysis of what causes the majority of the world’s problems, and her perspective is quite sane.
35:25 - it isn’t only certain rescue dogs who experience this particular ‘quirk’, it’s common among all animals. All animals are more likely to trust women vs men because of our hormones, our higher voices, and (I’m assuming) a millennia of experiences that get passed on through generations.
The reality is that societies that respect feminine values have been rare to the point of nonexistence. It’s okay to acknowledge that. It’s okay to place blame where it belongs.
This isn’t really a comment on the video or review, but please be mindful of using the word ‘psychotic,’ which you did around the 7-minute mark. Psychosis is a complex mental health condition, that has nothing to do with morality. When you used psychotic and creepy almost as synonyms, it was quite hurtful to hear as someone who has experienced it. If you’d like to discuss this more or ask questions, feel free to do so. Thank you.
This woman keeps dating millionaires and somehow resents the men? How does this woman-someone who has failed at everything she’s ever attempted-keep cycling through relationships with millionaires? Shouldn’t she be thankful? But no mama’s pisssed! How dare you Mulaney!
You know John’s just got over battling addiction and his wife just survived cancer. Who cares this little lady is pissed and wants her revenge. She is not a woman of principals or growth or morals! No the ladies demand never ending revenge for every slight ever committed ever. Forgiveness doesn’t exist in 2024 with these hoes. Everything is a downward spiral of revenge.
You SSRI-popping, fake-woke white women who “cut off” your upper class parents, hate all your normal guy exes, and switch therapists like outfits…the problem isn’t the world; it’s you. Writing a book like this isn’t just embarrassing, it’s outright pathetic. But what else can you expect from a boring, liberal, self-styled victim whose greatest talent is mediocrity?
@@havingfunisnthardWhich parts gave the impression she was suggesting Anna’s feelings were unjustified?
It seem you missed or misunderstood the times she acknowledged Anna’s source of trauma aka the justification for her stance. The example/analogy of traumatized dogs was one of those times. There was no need to list all examples (your “all animals”) to make the point.
Finally, please clarify what you mean exactly by “societies that respect feminine values have been rare to the point of nonexistence?” That they don’t exist? Have gone extinct? So rare they’re inconsequential? Or something else?
I’ve always thought that John and Anna-Marie had a mutual NDA because he very conspicuously never mentioned her again publicly after the divorce. But of course you’re right that John holds a lot of power in this situation and could probably dictate the terms of the NDA
It’s also quite beneficial for him to not mention her and have the public forget he was ever married to her!
@@abdvilliers222Its also quite beneficial for Anna to not be mentioned in his stand up where she might be painted in a bad light or where unflattering things are revealed about her. Not saying its not more of a benefit for him overall but it definitely also protects her from having to worry about being a part of his work going forward.
@@mellalena I would also asume his new wife doesn't want the ex mentioned
Could it be possible, and I know this is crazy, they agreed to not speak about each other publicly ?
@@margot9349 Yeah, that’s what a mutual NDA is - a legal document in which two parties agree not to talk about each other
I'll be honest: I came in for the Mulaney gossip but I stayed for your very balanced reflections on feminism, celebrity culture, and the prison of likeability. I especially appreciated your insight on
how gender essentialism limits interectional feminism -- I've always thought that but never managed to put it in those words. I also appreciated how you constantly caveated your points of conjecture on Mulaney/Tendler's lives by adding that you don't know "these people", i.e., celebrities. It made me conscious of my own need for celebrities whose work I like to have likeable personalities, and reminded me to not fall into that that trap!
I came away inspired to read more, reflect more on what I read, and also really examine my own relationship with celebrity culture. Thanks so much!
"If Anna Marie Tendler were my friend, and I read this book, I would tell her: in order to truly love yourself, you may need to learn how to forgive the world that made you as you are. Your art has something in it that is very genuine and vulnerable which makes it cool, and these nerds that you dated and spent your whole life emulating will try to buy that coolness their whole lives, and they will never succeed. Because unlike you, they don't have the courage to say something that is true. They're too afraid to be human. They're too afraid to not be liked, even if it's just for a second."
OOF. This is so incredible, I love it. What a thoughtful, insightful, well-written and delivered review. I've subscribed and look so, so forward to seeing what you do next.
right! that line from her froze me in place. I subscribed immediately.
As a a woman with a photo degree..! I loved her photos I thought they were so ethereal and really showed how a woman’s identity can dissolve in a home or in home life. I think a photo book with small snippets about her life would’ve been MUCH better. It’s probably really hard to write about your life 1.) when you’re still living your life lmao 2.) a huge chunk of your life is under a NDA…
What a gorgeous interpretation of her photography
I also think a photo book would still be fairly popular due to the attention on the divorce - everyone would be analyzing her photography for meaning the way Swifties decode lyrics. She would still be able to express what she couldn't say/write and the audience would lock in.
@@zztopz7090 as respectfully as i can be while asking this - are you out of your goddamn mind? because i can assure you there are hundreds of years of history that show just how unhappy women were with the suffocating role of domesticity that was forced upon them by men. in fact i’m pretty sure there was an entire movement borne out of women’s frustrations with being reduced to mere bang-maids in the home, but what do i know? not like they taught this particular piece of history in schools or anything, or that there’s any freely available resources (such as wikipedia) that helpfully detail what i’m talking about!
Her photos are beautiful, genius editorial, worthy, and so sad. That’s what makes them captivating for me.
@@anishinaabae"-hundreds of years of history that show how unhappy women were with the suffocating role of domesticity that was forced upon them by men".?!
Jesus.. what a statement. That isn't merely wrong, its wronger than wrong. Meaning its not a matter of just being incorrect, its basis is nonexistent.
It's such an injustice that she didn't do the photography collection. There are so many celebrity memoirs but, with risk of sounding rude, I don't think she is a celebrity. Anna Marie Tendler is an artist first a foremost, she isn't a personality that people project onto like John Mulaney, and she isn't a piece of people's childhoods like Jennette Mccurdy. She is someone who creates art based on what she feels. A photography book would have shown off her craft and allowed her to spread her wings as an artist thus launching her career. It's tragic that she's effectively trapped in the role as John Mulaney's ex wife rather than her own person. I don't know everything about her or her life but I don't think anyone deserves to only be known in comedy bits by their ex partner.
Simon & Schuster's decision to release a memoir rather than a photography book is (I'm nearly 100% certain) a reflection of the publishing industry being strictly a business. Black and white. Dollars and cents. In other words, a straight financial decision. Anna Marie Tendler is likely not well-known enough as an artist to garner the recognition needed to warrant the expense of S&S publishing an art book. But she IS well-known enough (as John Mulaney's ex-wife) to warrant a contract to publish a dishy celebrity memoir. The fact that the book wasn't dishy (due to the probable NDA Siobhan mentions) didn't so much matter to the S&S because they could still advertise MEN HAVE CALLED HER CRAZY as a dishy memoir--right up until the time it finally released.
She is definitely someone project to. There main reason people are interested in her and this book is John not her photography.
It used to be way more common back in the day but normal/non-famous people who lived interesting lives used to write memoirs all the time.
@@susanalfieri4487I agree and think that was a bad move. I didn’t know her before the drama of their separation but I felt something in her pictures on instagram (the artistic ones). I was waiting for her to release a photography book. I’d have bought it. I have zero interest in her memoir
i’ve only seen snide takedowns of this book so i really appreciate how empathetic and grounded your takes are
that’s sad to hear.
That is tragic. I really hope that Anna Marie weathers all of this public detailing for the better. Her flaws and faults do not disqualify her from peace.
I'm honestly just really sad for Anna Marie, just as a fellow human being. I really hope she can find the thing that fits her best and brings her joy and let's her heal.
As a john mulaney fan who knew nothing of AMT outside of his specials i wanted to see why so many people are just vitriolicly hating him since his divorce with her. I loved this dissection of the book. So empathtic and grounded and thorough. I am so impressed no only at how great this analysis but also fact that i was glued to my screen for an hour long book review!
37:20 "[Trauma is] like we stumble upon a beach town wrecked by a hurricane and looking at the branches and the buildings on the ground, we ask ourselves "Why did they build it like this?"" Brilliant writing.
It really struck me, I've got to share it with my mom
@@KelpieRideri agree!
Yes!! I had to pause and chew on that one for a moment. Beautifully said
I found this powerful…it inspires me to think more objectively about my own trauma, as well as maintaining awareness about my own tendency to be judgemental in the face of an other’s.
Yes, that was so beautifully stated.
This book has a lot of pain and suffering in it, for sure. It’s very reminiscent of memoirs of housewives or young women from before the feminist first wave. I think it’s a really interesting portrait of a person who is quick to tie up her self esteem in her male partners, and which cracks and crumbles apart when they prove to be unfaithful, predatory, or unreliable. She laments her lack of success as a “stop and start” life, but pins the blame not on how hard it is to be self-sufficient or supported as an artist in America… but on the men she was with, and relying upon materially and emotionally to support her. I also love the little looks into the class conflict she has when another woman accuses her of being a gold-digger- something that’s an obvious sore spot for her. What a testament to how little things have changed for certain classes of women in America!
Have they changed lol..?
I think the certain class could be more readily surmised by “a kept woman” she wants that life/was raised to want it but it’s not tenable to happiness…I think she may not realize until her 50’s i’m afraid.
She reminds me so much of my sister, who has the mindset that the men in her life “happen” to her rather than partners she’s chosen. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own life.
@@ladyoftheflowers44 no, thats what they said
i usually don’t comment on things, but this was worded so beautifully that i felt the need to tell you i HAD to read this several times. it hits hard.
You are great on camera. Made this feel like you were dishing to a friend while still delivering articulate, thorough analysis
Wait thank you so much for saying that because when I first started recording these videos I would get soo uncomfortable in front of the camera hahaha
@@SiobhanBrierAguilarit really doesn’t seem like it, for what it’s worth. I’m looking forward to watching more. Great work.
Agreed
I clicked on this in morbid curiosity and stayed for the whole thing, up too late, because your writing is compelling, thoughtful, and compassionate. Wow!!
💯. So engaging and well done.
You bring up a lot of good points, but I have to say, I'm tired of hearing people say she's "never had a job." Yes, she's bounced around different careers and no, her jobs alone couldn't support her financially, but as someone who struggled for a long time in low-paying jobs due to my own mental illness, this really grates on me.
This has frustrated me aswell. I just don't understand how people can be so entitled as to feel that it's any of their business.
Yes, great point. The stigma is hurtful, and dare I say it… a bit ableist
@@FlaminBeast Because she wrote a memoir..? Are we supposed to avoid commentary upon her life..?
so it's cool that she's been carried by men her entire life and accepts zero responsibility for her own circumstances? your takeaway is that she's broken, all men suck, yeah she has been carried by men and hasn't had a job but, you know, mental illness?
@@taffysaur No. I just think it's odd to be dismissive of a whole person and their character, based on their inability to work or lack of traditional career.
This is the best essay to be recorded in an ikea showroom I’ve seen all year
Wait wait wait is this actually an ikea showroom?
@@johnnycranknose4098 it looks more like a room you can schedule in a library or university
hahahahaha
@@juulvandijk5041 that makes more sense
It's a WeWork office!
Stumbled over this video completely randomly, didn't even know this book existed... but enjoyed it thoroughly beginning to end. I thought your breakdown was so easy to follow and so grounded and I enjoyed your perspective a lot.
Also... SUCH a soothing voice. So nice. So pleasant.
Gosh I'm so glad you enjoyed it, thank you!
I totally agree, same happened to me! The algorithm must be algorithm-ing… for good this time!
Came here to say this
Exactly this! @SiobhanBrierAguilar Great job, looking forward to more videos :)
I mean, aren’t memoirs meant to be just personal? expecting character arc and unproblematic feminism is for fiction imo. I don’t think real life often works out like that
god this should be pinned.
I'd argue that when you sit down and write you memoir you are at a point in your life where you did a bit of self-reflection and maybe a bit of healing. Because otherwise the memoir is just you retelling your history, without really any point to it beyond "hey, look at my life! pay attention to my life!"
I do totally agree that perfect feminism in a memoir is too much to ask but a bit of introspection which could be a form of character arc seems like a basic minimum imo
Nah you're thinking of auto-biographies. Auto-biography and memoir have come to be used interchangeably now because they're often put together on the same shelf in bookstores, and celebrity auto-biographies have been co-opting the memoir label to make them seem fancier than they are. But auto-biography is meant to be a faithful retelling of a person's life from the person themselves and memoir is meant to be the retelling of a person's life using narrative storytelling techniques also written by the person themselves. Like, auto-biography is very factual, and memoir is very vibes based. They should both be telling a real story on the whole, but the memoir writer is adapting their story to the medium of a book (using narrative techniques like character arcs) whereas the auto-biographer is just trying to tell their story as it is.
I see where you're coming from, although I will push back a bit.
I can't think of a critically acclaimed mental health memoir that didn't have at least some character arc.
But please recommend some if you can think of them-- I love books that break traditional structure.
Unproblematic feminism. lol.
This was one of the most insightful, well-crafted, and deeply empathetic book reviews I've ever seen. Thank you for all the time and effort you invested carefully putting so many complexities into words -- I'll be thinking about this video for a long time.
One thought I did have is if John Mulaney's "wife guy" persona is a deliberate ploy for relatability/likeability, or if it's him projecting an image of stability even though his personal life was actual chaos. Publically, John Mulaney chose a very clean-cut, old-timey comedian persona, and though he referenced his substance abuse, he always did so in the past tense, as if it's something he's overcome. Same as with relationship troubles. For good or for ill, being married is seen as a sign of stability, it has an aspirational quality; and I don't know, I could see how in the grip of addiction, references to a loving marriage could be used to reassure everyone, including John himself, that he didn't have a problem and things were okay. This could explain why he's doing the same thing again, waxing poetic about growing old raising kids in the suburbs, despite this kind of thing backfiring on him so spectacularly the first time. It's aspirational, it's reassuring. I don't know if this changes anything for the "wife guy" allegations, but maybe it's less "using his wife/children to get him positive PR" and more "being overly reliant on his wife/children for a sense of normalcy."
you've put it perfectly!
@@captainjuliab Excellent points.
Though it’s worth noting there’s a slight difference in the two idealized visions of self, the latter requires growing old. I believe that element adds a significant distinction. The old version was mostly present, with some past tense; the newer version is present and future. That looking towards the future is huge for anyone that struggles with mental health.
So with that said, his current public persona feels more grounded, focused, and hopeful.
I find the “wife guy” allegations silly because his comedy always talks about his personal life in some way and his wife at the time was a big part of that. And he only really has one bit about her. And one bit about being childfree. But certain parts of the internet really fixated on those two bits.
I'm obsessed with the way the auto generated subtext kept calling him "John meany"
I didn't know Petunia had died 😢
Those super inbred breeds never live long :(
Anna wrote a beautiful tribute article to Petunia. I believe it was featured in Elle magazine. It is also on the Elle webpage.
Aw 💔
there are a lot of articles on it. which i find slightly amusing that a celebrity's dog dying can make the headlines
I couldn't stop wondering who got Petunia in the divorce, if she was ok, were they co-dig-parenting until I had to go seek out an update, only to find all of this sadness including Petunia's passing and Anna's trauma and distress. I'd only really heard of either of them from JM's comedy and the dissonance between how he portrayed the divorce and how Anna did really struck me.
You touched on it briefly but it’s wild for me to see so many people discussing her story and just glossing over the fact that she was coerced as a minor into at least two different relationships with abusive and controlling adult men. I get that it doesn’t excuse her lack of introspection or accountability into adulthood, but those relationships are NOT examples that can be used when trying to find behavioral patterns to label her as lazy or a gold digger considering she could not consent to those relationships (especially when they were in the context of her trying to escape a dysfunctional home life?!), nor did she have the power in those relationships to make those men take care of her financially.
Moreover, I think there’s a difference between punching down and just punching in general. Neither is okay, but I don’t think the scenario of a woman degrading her partner would be considered “punching down” because that would imply that we exist in a matriarchy. Her behavior is considered being an asshole, being abusive, and displacing her anger in inappropriate ways, but the woman still does not have the systemic-level upper hand. I got what you meant though and agree that anyone is capable of becoming so focused on being the victim in one scenario that they lose sight of or even outright deny their own privileges and abilities to victimize others.
Also, I can imagine that Anna, as a predominantly visual medium artist, might’ve been happy to allow the book to read very messily, whether due to an NDA or not, because it paints the picture of the chaos and distress she has experienced. As you pointed out, the missing context is very loud and uncomfortable for readers because it would make it easier for us to empathize with her if she had a more well-rounded, self-reflective story. I could almost imagine it being so on brand that it would be laughable for her if she had been forced to remove context about John after she just wrote out a collection of stories from times that she felt the most disempowered.
But in it’s messy state it is a great conversation starter about how people are very quick to fall into apathy about a person’s trauma if it doesn’t follow a narrative equation that makes us root for them. I’m sure if her story was written from an outside perspective, most people wouldn’t have as much of a problem empathizing with her trauma, much like being told a shelter dog fears men and is aggressive toward them after being abused by one. It’s almost like the unspoken subtitle would be “And You Would Call Her Crazy Too” because it doesn’t seem like a full story of growth and healing so much as it is an open ended question about if anyone can read between the lines to see her pain.
Anyway, great video and love your thoughtful analysis.
I don't think we need to live in a matriarchy for a woman to have an upper hand over a man. That is why she mentioned how white women's feminism tends not to be intersectional. It is also denying the many strides that women have made over time.
Woman and AFAB people overall cannot feel visceral and ugly pain. They have to even suffer graciously, according to societal norms. To be a perfect victim, a martyr who will silently just take it and not make any mistakes for your pain and trauma to be taken as real
Absolutely amazing point. Worth the read
I love these quotes 👇
"...the missing context is very loud and uncomfortable for readers because it would make it easier for us to empathize with her if she had a more well-rounded, self-reflective story."
"...people are very quick to fall into apathy about a person’s trauma if it doesn’t follow a narrative equation that makes us root for them."
Excellent points. 🎯Trauma much like a good old American movie has to have a perfect ending for people to buy into the full story.
She had childhood trauma and that played into her feeling professionally aimless and leaving careers when she felt stressed or deregulated.
I don't believe she is an innate gold digger (I'm not saying that's even a bad thing- but I don't ever believe that was her objective- to find a rich man to sponge off of) but her trauma and formative relationships with older abusive men shaped how quickly she was able to give up on herself & her dreams.
Because she didn't want/have kids and didn't focus on a career, people especially women, don't seem able to carve out any sympathy for her.
I find this sad and incredibly interesting.
She is neither earth mother (Ballerina farmer) or girl boss (Sophia Amoruso) and at 40 years old without holding either title, she is useless and solely victimized by her trauma.
Her life (to them) doesn't hold value nor is she 'healed enough' for a woman with no kids and no career.
This specific reaction IS the story for me. 💜
You put this so well. People didn’t find a perfect victim they could attach themselves to or weaponize the words of for their own personal agendas, so they turned on her.
I'm about halfway through listening to the book. I am a little surprised at her take of men being the only/primary cause of her misery when her mother is *right.there.*
Her mother who raged at her. Emotionally neglected AND abused her.
Neither parent appears to have instilled her with a strong sense of self worth and self knowing. Both seemed selfish and checked out from her wellbeing, but each in a different way.
Yeah it's almost like she's seeking the validation she never got from her mother and father in her relationships, and because relationships never were able to validate that and the fact that men DO have power and DO awful things gave her parents a kind of shield.
Edit: Initially I was joining on the framing that blamed the mother but both parents share equal blame. I changed my wording to reflect that and wanted to recognize the change so it doesn't come off as dishonest. My first comment had an element of misogyny in blaming just the mom, it has been called out and fixed.
thiiiiiis!! i just finished listening to the book and i really enjoyed it but this was a major gripe of mine
Lol yall don't even mention how her father was pretty much a nonmention. But it's the mother's fault. Of course it is.
@@nadjak3410what does this comment even mean? “it’s the mother’s fault. Of course it is.” Well yeah, her mother sounds emotionally unstable and abusive, so even if it’s not completely her fault she definitely is partly at fault. What exactly is the point of your comment defending the mother?
Yes. The scene when her parents pulled her away from her own birthday party as a little girl and spanked her, leaving her sobbing and distraught, all because she didn't want her picture taken was impactful. It's like Tendler's binary way of looking at gender dynamics has limited her ability to fully process her own mother's complexity.
I know it's kind of "gossip-y" but olivia finally admitted in an article earlier this week that she barely knew john when she got pregnant, so it makes me wonder if it was just a fling or if there were other intentions for her? If he was fresh out of rehab his mindset is in a completely different area and not saying he's not also responsible because it takes two to tango, but the timeline of the announcement of her pregnancy and how they were only spotted together afterwards when we hadn't seen them together prior to his divorce announcement is starting to make more sense.
I forgot where I heard this (maybe Olivia said it on a late night show?) that she met him and his wife at a party years ago and that she was fangirling over him and wanted to talk to him more etc. She was basically crushing on him for years and they stayed in touch via occasional emails according to her. So she didn’t really know him as a person but she definitely had her eye on him well before his marriage started to fall apart.
I'm always surprised this doesn't get discussed more. I totally remember that as well. @@mishasamuel
@mishasamuel yep she's desperate. I hate women who do this to other women.
@@Stein99 That’s why she snatched him right out of rehab. She saw her chance. I also don’t believe that the baby was an accident. A woman of her age knows how to prevent pregnancy and has the means to do so (I’m not attacking her age, I’m similar age). He’s obviously not innocent in this but people out of rehab are in a vulnerable state and Olivia moved on him anyway. He was freshly sober in NY and all of the sudden he’s flying to LA to hook up with freaking Olivia Munn.
Honestly, they (John/Olivia) deserve each other. I just hope Miss Tendler gets all the love and support she needs. As a woman who went thru a lot of abuse from my ex, I wished I could give her the biggest hug. NDAs in most situations should be illegal. Let the truth fly free. 🕊
Persuasive argument, great analysis. I'm a bit embarrassed that the TH-cam algorithm has correctly pegged me as someone interested in the salacious gossip at the heart of all this, but I'm grateful that it at least brought me to a thoughtful creator with an articulate, nuanced opinion. Subscribed, looking forward to more good stuff from your channel.
This was an excellent review, and honestly, it felt closer to a discussion between learned friends, rather than a "let me tell you what I think and you'd BETTER agree with me" review, if you know what (and who) I mean.
One thing I'd noticed, that hasn't been touched on very much, is the ableism present in many of the reviews. Yes, AMT is a wealthy, conventionally attractive white woman, but she is also CLEARLY suffering from some disabling issues. It can be extra scary, when you know you are too sick to hold down a regular job, to be threatened with a loss of money. I've noticed many reviews seem incensed that she's "never had a job" even though she describes several jobs throughout the book, she also describes debilitating mental health issues that would inevitably get in the way of holding down a regular 9-5.
I'm not saying we should give her and her privilege a free pass, I think more than one thing can be true at once, and I agree that she clearly needs to learn more intersectional feminism. I also think she could do with going to a different therapist, who doesn't make jokes about divorcing her, because damn, that'd piss me off too!
Great comment. I love that you added more nuance to the "just get a job" response that I saw mentioned many times in the book's Goodreads. Just because she had jobs that didn't become careers doesn't invalidate them. She did have may different jobs throughout the book, so thank you for taking the time to point that out.
Agreed and there's a lot in here that makes me think she may suffer from ADHD. The constant boredom is a big one. It can be really debilitating for many people.
She did all the makeup for his broadway show ffs!!!
This absolutely. I may not ever being able to fully work a 9 to 5 type job due to my disabilities, some of them related to mental health and trauma, and may therefore need to rely more on support from my partner, and that's something I've really had to grapple with. Those comments, while I empathize with where they're coming from, also show a real ignorance about the toll mental health and disability can take on your life. I am still calculating what my life will look like, the ways it will be different from what I thought or how others expected due to my disabilities. It's not something that should be looked down on. It's a privilege to have wealth, sure, but it's not a privilege to be unable to be self-sufficient due to your disabilities. In reality, it is a deeply uncomfortable, distressing, and at times heartbreaking experience.
It doesn't seem like she's wealthy, as much as connected, which contributes to that stress. The gap between needing to keep the goodwill of your affluent network while working "normal" and "common" jobs is too wide to be healthy -- especially when her worst fears of degradation, devaluation, and discarding seem to be the most recurrent pattern she can see in her life.
And it is a shame that many seem to want to be calloused and even cruel to her because they imagine other people to be more worthy of that lot in life than her, if not classically sexist.
I also come from an Irish Catholic family. My older brother was a lot like John Mulaney in public....charming, would wear suits, seemingly very intelligent and witty. He would also hit me, threaten me and consistently verbally abuse me until I broke contact with him when I was 18.
Someone can be likable. And also be a piece of garbage. I find more times than not it's the likable ones who do the most harm.
It’s easier for outwardly charming people to fly under the radar regarding abuse at home - their public persona can lead to observers gaslighting the victim(s) because “he would Never do something like that! We like him!”
That must be so hard for you when people blame you for not talking to your “charming” brother you’re being unnecessarily “mean” to…as of they’d know. Good for you!!
I also had a charming manipulative Irish Catholic brother addicted to drugs. He ultimately died. I have actually had a lot of sympathy for both Anne and John. I think John gets a lot of negativity for his actions while trying to survive addiction. And I guess I think that comes off as never dealing with the tragedy of a person being controlled by addiction. I think she had depression and codependency and he had guilt and codependency, which is a recipe for disaster. I will never knock anyone who is doing anything to survive, which I have felt, people have been more empathetic to Anne. I also have that empathy for John.
I saw John once in a video making a joke on yt and I honestly thought he was an absolute prick he looked unbearable to me.
@@rainbo777so true. That was my ex to a T. No one believed me bc he was that friend who would help you change a flet tire at 2 am. It was all a mask.
John Mulaney parents are both very high profile lawyers so NDA is very probably a thing.
Or yunno, rich guys could just have lawyers
He might've bribed her with money. It reminds me of the Brianna Chickenfry situation
@@Thatll_Do_Pig_true. But its usually after the release of a book that they lawyers come out.
No wonder he’s such a narcissist asshole
@@shyviolets Beyond the idea that an NDA is involved how is this like that situation? NDAs r so common in celebrity divorces ,its not always to cover up something sinister.
I came back to leave a comment because it's been a week and I'm still thinking about this video! Your critique of "I hate men" feminism is so well-articulated. I clicked on this video thinking it would be a celebrity gossip video that I would regret watching. Instead, I got such a thoughtful and considerate take that treated both of the famous people involved as human beings. Brilliant.
… Does this not seem like someone with BPD creating their own narrative of their life where they are the victim of everything and people suddenly “bad on them” or “call them crazy for no reason.”
Like she gets called a gold digger by that girl Rachelle, but her dating pattern is literally that and her refusal to commit to anything makes it seem like this person is probably much more tangled and an unreliable narrator than they are presenting.
While I might not go so far as to assume a dx, I agree that the art of each of these people should be valued as art, and if one seems coercive, that’s rooted in something besides creative conceit.
i find what you say at 40:15 SO IMPACTFUL! especially that line "Maybe sometimes healing our trauma just means giving ourselves permission to not be angry anymore." as someone who has experience trauma at the hands of men, who has had an "I hate all men" phase as a response, and still holds a lot of that anger, i just want to say that your review of this book was so nuanced and beautiful. ive acted similarly to tendler in some ways, i felt a lot of empathy from you, towards her and through that, towards myself. thanks for making this video :))))
And yet y'all are derogatory and use demeaning language to try to insult men who do the same but vice versa. "Incel" etc. So typical ☕
@@IkesPimpHand are you replying to every comment on this video? surely you have something better to do other than trying to argue with people having nuanced conversations about trauma
I think people have the right to be angry. It’s not our place to tell her how to process her trauma. I’m not her therapist. Are you?
@@Danzorel "nuanced" don't flatter yourselves 😂
I used to like Mulaney. But during his Seth Meyers’s interview it was apparent the math wasn’t “mathing”. As someone with depression I had more empathy for Tendler.
This
Same. I used to watch Seth Meyers' show regularly but it really irritated me watching in real time how he created a prominent public job for his clearly rock bottom friend and then helped him whitewash how he torpedoed his marriage. AMT doesn't have world famous friends to publicize her PR vetted side of the story to millions. it just left me with an ick about Seth..and angry for all the comics who could have been given Mulaney's pity-job and actually made the show better!
@@greenglassgoblin talk about a moral scald.
Interesting! Imma have to watch that interview!
@@greenglassgoblinInteresting take. I can see it. I can see another take too though.
Anna and John were married for several years and she had a life prior to him. She has met and knows a lot of wealthy, powerful, and famous people. Did she lose some of that access? Probably, but not all. Several people would still be empathetic towards her for the same or similar reasons as the general public.
As for Seth Meyers, his friendship was/is obviously predominantly with John. His actions can be seen as trying to keep John close/busy/preoccupied to help in the way he could. His giving him a (temporary) job as a recurring cameo/guest, was unlikely to have been at any specific person’s expense. It also didn’t last long.
As for giving a platform for the timeline whitewashing-that’s definitely a murky grey area. That wasn’t the entire point of that interview, but it was still an unsavoury result. Still, it’s not an unreasonable decision for someone who’s shown to be loyal and supportive to his close friends.
Personally, I would have done differently, but I can understand different reasons things played out like they did. Ultimately, I try to keep in mind that everyone has flaws and most people are just doing what they think is best in the moment. For Seth, supporting a friend looks different than the average person, but that’s primarily what he did.
"was the decorative lampshade business more lucrative than i thought" LMFAO
My hot take is that John and Anna were already broken up when he got with Olivia. It’s clear when his intervention happens, they were separated and living apart. Obviously being married to a famous, beloved drug addict would still be difficult even if he never cheated
something thing that you don’t mention but i feel is integral to anna’s story is her fixation on her images of herself and her beauty. as her photos of younger her prove, she has clearly been beautiful from an early age and knew how to photograph her appearance well even in her youth when many people are super awkward looking. her art generally centers images of herself, often the interplay between the interiors of the house and her pose and appearance is what makes the photo into the artwork. even being a hair and makeup artist - those are appearance focused industries. i haven’t read the book so i don’t know if she address it, but if so much of your self worth is tied up in men you landed in part thanks to your beauty, if it’s what you studied and made a living off of producing, if it’s what is integral to your art - there’s just a looooot of baggage that that brings!
Thank you for mentioning the fact that she probably got silenced through an NDA! Seeing the way John Mulaney's brand has been taking shape with the recent GQ article feature, I really feel like he / his management had a hand in the way her book was written.
"The fact that she probably got silenced" it's not a fact, it's an allegation
I'm not American so I'm not familiar with how NDAs work there. But wouldn't you have to voluntarily sign an NDA for it to be binding? Why would you sign one if you wanted to reveal the information it was asking you to hide? Is there a way to coerce someone into signing an NDA? And would a coerced NDA even hold up in court?
@@zetaforever4953 it’s very easy to financially coerce people into these types of things, especially if the other person is suffering from severe mental health issues
@@zetaforever4953 She seems to be financially dependent on John. So it's not unlikely that she willingly signed an NDA during the divorce for ongoing financial support.
Hey fam, the words “the fact that” when paired together is an informal phrase that has the following definition according to the Oxford dictionary: “used to refer to a particular situation under discussion”.
Meaning OP said “thank you for mentioning the particular situation under discussion that she probably got silenced through an NDA.”
Just because the word “fact” was in there doesn’t actually mean there was an accusation that needed debunking. English is funny sometimes isn’t it?
It would also be super weird if we all spoke in perfect legal jargon all the time in the TH-cam comments section! Particularly about a topic that we aren’t involved in and isn’t an active legal case that we know of.
Hope that helps 👍🏼
Hating men is a trauma response. You hit the nail on the head.
@@katie18261 hating any demographic often is
^Not all racists have trauma though. They were just raised by racists and feel inherently superior. Sorry, I’m not about to feel bad for every Klan member…😪
@@cryptiddyno that’s mostly ignorance
@@cryptiddy not necessarily. Some get radicalized online against certain groups and religions
Hating women is a sign of having common sense.
I definitely think the photography book would have been so much better
I DNF-ed this book after reading more than half because I feel like you get the point quite early on. She was a product of her environment at the time. I am only a few years younger than her and was also in the alternative music scene as a young tween/teen girl. The predatory behavior was everywhere and it thoroughly messed many of us up. It was like that monologue in Gone Girl about needing to be the "Cool Girl." You had to be okay with bad behavior from predatory men because otherwise you didn't have a social group or attention. You had to be presentable because otherwise you were throwing away your social power. You could be weird, but not too weird. You could be mentally ill, but not too mentally ill and if your parents didn't know what to do with you or maybe shouldn't have had a kid to start with, you could easily get swallowed up in the lives of older men. Anger is a reasonable response to Anna's experience with these men and it is challenging to see anything in the rear view mirror when you are actively still driving through the storm.
I bet we're the same age. What a perfect evocation of my youth! I hope you write a lot!
the one thing about Anna Marie's string of posts is yes, they are wildly artistic, creative, evocative, and definitely cries for help but as a person who's struggled with depression multiple times in my life, they also seem weirdly performative. take from that what you will.
With respect, I don't think a creative person using performance as a way to process trauma is particularly odd. No different to what Mullaney does on stage.
Maybe because they are a performance, isn’t everything
All I'm saying is they remind me of when instead of finding healthy ways to cope, I just complained all the time. Please don't take this as an insult or ignorance, I know plenty of creative people use whatever as an outlet, and it can help, but there's also some revelry happening here.
Like instead of trying to move on, it seems like she's arranged everything to be as bleak as possible for her
@@quinnmarchese6313totally get it yeah, bit of a defeatist, doomer vibe going on for sure. Thanks for having an actual civil discussion with me on TH-cam! Seems increasingly rare these days.
@@JohnLimeson totally get it
Amazing. I want to be clear I mean this as a high compliment (because I simply don’t have the time to read all the books I will want to read in my life) - This video is a gem that makes me feel the satisfaction of reading a book AND getting a fantastic analysis. I don’t even feel the need to read this book anymore. (Which, again, I mean as a compliment.) So satisfying.
Ah thank you, I kind of went back and forth about including the summary of the book so I'm glad it flowed well in this case. I was inspired by Owl Criticism's review of A Little Life, "Euthanasia Fan Fiction." I hadn't read A Little Life so I liked that he took the time to tell the story. I also love how withcindy gives summaries of what she reads but also makes funny commentary while summarizing
Literally same! I borrowed the E-book and audiobook, but returned them early because I had other books I wanted or needed to read. This was perfect.
You approached this book with empathy, which is a much better stance than all the other interpretations I've seen so far.
I personally believe her life would become infinitely more fulfilling and satisfying to her if she started using her talents in serving and helping other people. She has so much kindness with nowhere to put it, so she wallows in self-pity because she's currently the only subject of her own sympathy.
"She has so much kindness with nowhere to put it, so she wallows in self-pity because she's currently the only subject of her own sympathy." WOW
Yeah,the misandrist is so kind. 😂😂
@@IkesPimpHandyou have no empathy.
@@Hermi123x you have a lot of empathy for women and absolutely none for men. Don't expect me to not retaliate in kind.
@@IkesPimpHand I have empathy for everyone, especially people with trauma. Hopefully she will heal but in the mean time I will not be judging her.
Great video and review. One of the few very balanced and measured takes I've seen on the book/author. Also, I'm totally stealing that analogy of walking up to a hurricane-stricken pier and asking "why'd they build it like this?" That's perfect lol
I am too. That was a really good one
Everyone talks about how John said "he" didn't want kids, but I noticed some very interesting themes in his language discussing the topic, as well as Anna's IG photographs following their divorce. I feel very strongly that SHE was the one who did not want kids, and he always presented it as a mutual decision, because.... well, that's the PR appropriate (and relationship-healthy) approach. I do not think John changed his mind, he was just hoping Anna would. Look back on his stand-up where he talks about this... You'll see the clues are all there
Also, people are allowed to change their minds about having children. If John didn't want kids when he was with Anna and later decided he did want kids, that doesn't make him a bad person.
I don't think he planned on marrying a child free person solely for the pr of his future possible shows...I do believe he shared her views when he was younger, but I also do think that it is clearly visible throughout his work that his views changed, for someone child free he seemed incredibly interested in kids, childhood and parent-child relationships, to the point of creating a whole show with kids. I didn't find it surprising that he embraced fatherhood.
Yeah, it still sucks that he had that child with someone else while married.
@@ThatWeirdo04Yes I didn’t want kids at all earlier in my marriage, I finally decided I did 8 years later. We had a daughter. Many times you look back at your younger self and think “Wow, I was a completely different person”.
A lot of people, including myself, used to not want kids until I did. I think the reason, if she is honest, the reason they talked about not having kids is because deep down they knew this relationship was not healthy especially if he was still doing blow.
Unrelated to the main points in this video around the time when he was falling from grace with the public due to the divorce and rehab and etc. he also received backlash from a chunk of his queer fans because he brought Dave chappelle on stage at one of his shows and this was at the time when Dave chappelle started his tirade against trans people. So while a lot of people were a bit parasocial in their critique and dislike of him since most of what was coming out was very personal stuff me and a lot of other fans of his were more upset about his uplifting of a transphobic figure at one of his shows. Just something I wanted to bring up since he makes himself out to be very harmless and progressive but he was also openly associating with Dave chappelle and even bringing him on stage so yeah.
Edit: a little fact check here cause I only remembered this from some Facebook posts in a john mulaney fan group at the time the specifics of this was he had Dave chappelle open a show in Ohio for him in 2022 so not the exact time frame as the rest of the backlash but it was noted that Dave told transphobic jokes at this show so about right yeah.
Yep! That's why i don't care for him any longer. But i also had to remind myself there isn't such a thing as the "magical good white man".
🙄
6:40 I think maybe he could have gotten plastic surgery but it could also just be that he isn't on 60 different drugs....
he did not look like that in the baby j comedy special. So no I don’t think so
@@exaggeratedswagger7485he was addicted during that special right? i think he admitted that he was never 100% sober
@@coughingbabie baby j is the special about his sobriety after he got sober
That honestly didn't even occur to me but you could be right 😳 Thank you so much for watching!
Does your jaw get bigger when you stop taking coke?
Many women have faced unwanted advances, endured toxic relationships, and suffered cheating, yet few harbor the depth of animosity AMT holds toward men. I suspect her hatred springs not from these too-common wounds, but from the paralyzing helplessness and self-loathing that emerges from an entire lifetime of financial dependence on the very men who victimized her.
That’s exactly what I thought too. She need to get a job and find some independence.
i haven't been dependent on men financially and i feel the way she does.
People don't respond to traumatic events in the same exact way. Some have better psychological defenses and mechanisms that help them overcome it.
I have never been in an abusive relationship with a man, never relied on a man financially, yet I had the same exact response the year when by very strange coincidence I happened to realise how many women and girls in my life have been violently sa'd by men, sometimes when they were literal babies. It wasn't even my direct trauma that put me into that state.
Considering her very first relationships were all abusive and predatory while also happening in the very fragile formative years of her teenagehood, I am not surprised she exploded at some point.
@@VeganBambi your very life depends on men. If men stopped working for one day the results on society would be catastrophic. You realise that inwardly, and also that your cushy life has been due to the sacrifice,talent and hardwork of billions of men past and present,and that's why you're hateful to men.
I think you're really underestimating the amount of women who hold that level of animosity towards men. Many just don't have the opportunity to put it out in the open, especially because of how taboo it still is for women to express their anger.
Wow didn't realize this was a small channel until the video was finished. Very interesting and well put together. Won't be surprised when you blow up 🔥
Wow you made my day thank you for this kind comment
It sounds like AMT has never learned that sometimes, you are not the victim. Sometimes, everyone is at fault, or no one is, or people are at fault but in different ways. She is miserable because she is spending mental energy identifying herself as a victim.
The worst part of my day was realizing that you only had five videos for me to watch. I was only mildly interested in this celebrity gossip and your amazing review opened it up to be a discussion of trauma and feminist philosophy. Please make more of these.
This got recommended to me randomly when you have only 400 subs. Girl you are about to blow up lol
omg this is how I find out I have 400 subs 🤯 when I went to bed I had 60!!
@@SiobhanBrierAguilar over 2,000 now 🎉🎉🎉
Here at 3.7k subs, congratulations!
I’m here a day later and you’re at 5.79K! 🎉
7.3k!!!
This was an amazing video and review! I love that you went into the fact that she really could not talk about the divorce even if she wanted to and the marketing behind it all. I will mention though that you pronounced "Sikh" as "Sheikh" when it's actually pronounced "Seek". But you've definitely earned a new subscriber :)
Ah thank you for your kind comment and for the correction-- I'm taking notes for next time 📝📝📝📝
It's originally pronounced like "sick"
@@SiobhanBrierAguilariiiiiwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
@@SiobhanBrierAguilar it's actually pronounced closer to 'sick' and not 'seek' as most white people incorrectly pronounce it
@@luiysia but I had an Uber driver the other day who told me he was "seek" so I think either way is acceptable. I've heard both.
You are VERY good at this, crazy that its only your 5th video
"We all have excuses to be sad, should we choose to take them". Well stated! Wisdom for the ages.
Heres what i know
1.) Drug addiction changes someone, changes their brain chemistry, and is a disease
2.)People change, good and bad
3.) We never know whats going on behind closed doors
4.) Good and bad experiences in a relationship are all valid and real. Even though he was on drugs, the hurt suffered from it is still real and valid
My great grandpa started a cycle of generational trauma because of the substances he was addicted to. He hurt my grandma, who then hurt my mom, who then went to therapy to make sure she never hurt me❤. Addiction is devestating.
The whipped cream whipping cream thing happened almost exactly to me while I was working for a non profit. I was teased (in good nature) relentlessly for getting the two mixed up. Ironically the non profit was for getting underprivileged kids tutoring. And I was the only one who actually came from that background. To this day I think about that and cringe at my mistake. But I had never had either in my fridge in my life.
I remember seeing that tweet on my timeline and that’s how I learned whipping cream exists like I thought you just used heavy cream for handmade stuff anyways 😭
@@sophiechiewtrakoonis whipping cream not just another word for heavy cream? genuinely asking
@@sophiechiewtrakoonthey do. Schlag. Like a legitimately BANGIN’ homemade “whipped cream” is whipped heavy cream.
Like for thanksgiving, heavy cream a splash of bourbon and a splash of vanilla in a frozen bowl, whipped by hand until the arms are truly worked out…..
Is the most delicious thing.
On top of pumpkin pie. : )
I'm so glad this came across my feed! Excellent review, I appreciate the way you handled the white feminism/gender essentialism discussion. The "I don't want to have sons" bit reminded me of a short story by queer feminist author Carmen Maria Machado, "The Husband Stitch." That story explores this idea in a much more interesting way than "boys will always become bad men."
I feel like the Husband Stitch was massively useful to me as a Man.
Reading it I couldn’t help but be self reflective and think of how the patriarchy might be benefitting me. How I might be taking advantage of the women in my life.
The big one for me was I realized how fucked up it is that my wife doesn’t have access to our money and has to ask me to buy things. That’s a big power imbalance, and I wouldn’t have realized if it wasn’t for the perspective and mind set that the husband stitch put me in.
I massively recommend it if anyone’s curious.
@@IsaacSloan-g3u I honestly don't mean any shade, but that's quite a big thing to just now realize. Maybe we live in completely different places but to me that sounds extremely old-fashioned.
But then again this might be where I find out that it's way more common than I thought, I know very little about marriages.
That’s totally fair. We always intended to get her added to the account and kept putting it off, it’s more that I realized that her having to go through me wasn’t just an inconvenience for her that should get fixed at some point, it was a DANGER for her that needed fixed immediately.
@@splitpruneif you don't mean any shade, what is it that you mean? 😄you place yourself on an imaginary line of progress much farther than someone who undid their social conditioning, implying being born in a different, no doubt more "civilised" place and how unfathomable it is to you, the civilised one, to be aware of the existence of the uncivilized.
@glupik1234 well that's a reach if i ever saw one
Also I love how you talk about the gender essentialist problem in a lot of feminists -- it's so insidious and underrecognized in the space, and you explain it so well!
100%!! I would LOVE to read more literature on gender essentialism in modern feminism, if that exists
oh yes!! i think gender essentialism gives awful men a pass to do shitty things. because the idea is that they "biologicially ingrained to do so" in gender essentialist theory. but if we say that's just nature then women never get justice for the shitty things they do to women. this behavior is TAUGHT and it is SOCIALIZED in them. and we must fight against a world that teaches men to be awful to women!
Yes, also the basis of a lot of transphobia on that side of the political aisle.
@@padawansound6423 absolutely, and even worse, i think it serves as the gateway to transphobia for a lot of women
@@wirilomeit absolutely does! and this gender essentialism/terfism serves as a gateway to the alt right
When you talk about John being a wife guy, I legitimately thought the clips of him saying “my wife” over and over were clips of Ned from the Try Guys.
If theres one thing that +10 years of therapy has taught me is that owning up to your decisions and their consequences, accepting your life is not completely out of your control and that youre not just a victim of circumstance, is the only way towards healing. If you believe everything’s outside of your control and everyone/thing else is to blame, you take away any tools from your hands to shape your life and healing into what you want it to be. Im saying this also as someone who suffered abuse. Much love to everyone healing! ❤
A lot of things are outside of your control when your family is abusive and you have no resources or way out. She got taken advantage of by so many XYs with the promise of taking care of her. She DID TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for her actions by doing therapy, getting a divorce, and being open with the public. I cannot say the same for John. Yeah, he went to therapy... after he was given an ultimatum. Which means he did not go of his own choice, but probably felt pressured. Those that don't want the help for themselves usually relapsed more than those that volunteered on their own. I'm comparison, Marie has shown AMAZING growth. ✨️🌱🫡
There's no proof that she DIDN'T take any accountability. Sometimes people are just victims and you can't overanalyze what they "might have" done wrong. She's not trying to be a perfect victim, this is her therapy to heal. Writing a book to express her torment and pain. It might look ugly, messy, and uncomfortable... but that's healing for you. Scars and autopsies are never pretty.
I look at this book like it's a St. Anger album. James Hetfield coming out of rehab and awkwardly finding his footing with the rest of the band. It didn't land well, but it caused a world wide conversation. Which is an accomplishment, even if its not a great art piece. I think she did the best she could.
Your cadence is good! I don’t know how to explain it but i could listen you speak for 2 more hours. Thanks for the review I don’t know any person involved but it was super entertaining and I got book recommendations so its a win!
My interpretation of all this is that they probably had a toxic marriage and John just needed to start over. No matter how messy or painful he made it, there's no way it wasn't the best thing for both of them. Speculating here - her insecurities and inability to forgive the men in her life might have made it harder for John to pull himself out of whatever self destructive hole he was in. As the child of co-abusive parents, and someone who has fought to cultivate forgiveness and empathy for the men in my life, I think it's impossible for men to better themselves under the oppressive hatred of abused women, and it's impossible for women to heal and escape cycles of abuse under the thumb of broken, self-hating men. Seems to me she wrote the memoir because she had no choice financially, and this was yet again her relying on the men (or ghosts thereof) in her life for financial support. I hope she finds healing and a clean break from the public eye.
This is so good i actually thought I would work while listening to this but I ended up not doing any work done bc this is so gripping
Oh I love listening to video essays while I work too haha thank you for your comment, fellow multitasker
Unpopular opinion but i think its good she didn't have any children, given her non resolved mental health struggles
This is genuinely one of the most earnest, eloquent, well thought out book overview/reviews I’ve seen in a long time. I appreciate your nuance and I can tell you put a lot of effort into taking a sympathetic approach to this video. Excellent work!
This was a lovely review. Your talent with words really shines through here; there were more than a few points that I found myself chuckling. I was someone who wasn't particularly invested one way or another in the public drama (I think I said at the time something to the effect of "disappointed but not at all surprised"), so the almost matter-of-fact delivery of this review and the very necessary context of it all really worked for me.
What an eloquent, thorough and well-researched video essay! I thought this was a much bigger channel. Thank you for your insightful and in-depth analysis of this memoir, I had no interest in reading it but deeply enjoyed the nuanced take on its contents.
Thank you so much, that's very kind of you to say
This is exactly the kind of analysis we need around the issue of identity politics and how essentializes people based on qualities outside of their control is ultimately unhelpful and not reflective of reality
Sounds like Anna has BPD. Not to be an armchair psychologist, but I also have BPD, and I recognize a lot of the thought patterns here.
she says by the end of the book that she was diagnosed with bpd, but she glosses over and disagrees with the doctors. she's not ready to accept the diagnosis yet
That was my first thought, as well... from knowing people who have been diagnosed with BPD, and who grew up with similar family dysfunction. The patterns of thoughts and behavior, are textbook.
At 50:22 you said
“Maybe sometimes healing your trauma just means giving yourself permission to not be angry anymore” that really resonated, bravo
you absolutely knocked it out of the park with this vid! i appreciate the nuance and compassion you approached the topic with, and despite the long runtime it didn't feel like a single second was wasted.
I agree that this was an NDA memoir but I would say that doesn’t define this book entirely.
This book and the public response to it was a masterclass on how others view people who have gone through immense trauma- that if you don’t tell everyone the specifics, you will be judged, ridiculed, and unless someone is a particularly empathetic person, they are not going to bother to look deeply and try to understand you.
As a survivor of abusive relationships who doesn’t wish to ever tell the details to my friends or family, I relate to her backlash and I think writing and releasing something like this with the full knowledge that people will only see the parts of yourself that you’re deeply ashamed of, (the trauma response) is very brave.
It sounds like the source of Anna Marie Tender's problems is actually Anna Marie Tendler, not "all men". TYPICAL - not taking responsibility for her own actions. I'm not saying that some bad things haven't happened to her, but sometimes you are the only common denominator in your life.
Well, by definition you are always the common denominatpr in your one life, in that it's your life... that doesn't mean everything is your fault.
First, let me say I have not read this book. I am commenting on your description.
Anna’s first problem is the very obvious PTSD from her abusive mother. It leaves you paralyzed and barely capable of taking care of yourself. She can’t really achieve anything and abandons every career choice because she thinks she’s not good enough, bc she’s been told so. She is severely broken. Perhaps she thrusted herself into situations with men who have a lot of money and fame because she wanted to live in a fantasy world where she is taken care of, and vicariously living in the world of famous, rich people to make her feel better about herself. This is a difficult person to be with for any length of time. She is literally all over the place; I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for him.. He stayed for 7 years and the fact that he was taking drugs may have been bc of this tormented life he was thrust into. There are two sides to every story. I wouldn’t point fingers at him. I think he escaped an inconceivablly negative roller coaster ride. But she needs to stop blaming all men, look at herself, and talk about whatever it is her mother did to her.
I'd like to find a liminal space of derision into which I could chuck a few of those somewhat cruel Goodreads reviews. Maybe I'm being too paternalistic, but it's like they're telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and walk. Yes, ATM has agency in her own healing ; but then again, it's hard for the broken-legged to walk to hospital. At the very least, it will be slow and there will be a lot of howling in pain. I hope she continues to make progress and maybe there is another book that will show that.
Your review was entertaining, informative and sensitive. Subscribed.
i don’t really like theorizing on celebrity plastic surgery (not trying to fault you for this and i understand where that’s coming from, i’m not immune to getting curious about this myself), i do think that one’s whole look may change monumentally after you get sober from multiple substances and have a child. you’re probably eating more and totally different foods and sleeping much less to name a few things, essentially your whole lifestyle looks 100% different and that may have a very noticeable effect of your looks. not saying that he didn’t have any either! i just think that i see too much material online that is speculation based on comparison photos with years between them, taken in different lighting, different makeup etc. and the speculation always strikes me as a bit prodding and often unnecessary.
i know this isn’t a main point in the video, but it was the only one i had much of anything to say about, since your analysis is very comprehensive and polished. this is a fantastic review! subscribed :)
Yeah good point, I think it's so common among wealthy entertainers that I just assume lol But you're right that it definitely could not be the case. Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment!
So true! I assumed he just gained some weight honestly.
@@hj5520He's also aging and losing his baby face. He was late 20's when he started being known and now he's early 40's. But people still have that younger face in mind when they think of him.
I’m only 10 minutes into this.. I went to check on who you are as a channel.. because it’s SO well done already, I was like.. who is this?! .. I’m absolutely floored that this is a small channel 😮
You’re fantastic!
I’m subbed already..
I look forward to seeing your other takes on things!
You’re definitely going to grow well, if you’re producing content like this.. really well done..
I think I misread the timestamp, so I was shocked to realize this video was, in fact, almost an hour long. Especially since it felt like it flew by so smoothly
This whole video is worth more than the first ten minutes of the audiobook. Am a CSA and DV survivor, and am married to the most amazing man I have ever met. I subscribed to Tendler’s tumblr back when she was with College Humor-I wanted to love her book because I loved the snippets of life she wrote about. Down to the societal impacts, your elegantly worded description this was a profoundly validating perspective. Love hearing you talk about this. Can’t wait to hear more!
This is not only a wonderful video and a great review, it’s one of the most thoughtful things I’ve ever seen on the internet. As someone who has spent this year grappling with trauma and (often reluctantly) cleaned out a lot of emotional wounds, I wish there were more people like you out there. Holding yourself accountable for your situation is so hard, but it is truly the only way forward. Your critique is insightful and clearly anchored in empathy, and I hope this video brings you a lot of well-deserved success.
The bit on intersectionality was spot on. Amazing video and review
The way Olivia Munn saw all of his red flags and said yes I’ll take that one
@@annemarson4144 and? My comment wasn’t about her. Neither is this video. Neither is the book. I don’t care.
@@Karrokickyour comment is literally about her 😂
@@Karrokickyou can relax
@@exaggeratedswagger7485you can leave me alone 🥰
@@anaerobicit was about John mulaney and his red flags.
At 7:12… people with psychosis suffer from a lot of misinformation and discrimination, so it feels wrong to use “psychotic” as an insult. I did really like this video overall, though, and will definitely be subscribing and looking forward to your later work! This left me with so many things to think about and that I want to discuss with others.
This. I really think if you wouldn’t use the word “r*tarded”, you shouldn’t use “psychotic” as a pejorative - the arguments for not using them are the same except that r*tarded is no longer used as a medical term and the stigma of psychosis actively makes treatment harder.
And even when someone knows that psychosis is just hallucinations and delusions, they think it makes a person violent or illogical or stupid and like the person should be able to snap out of it, but psychosis is really just a problem with your senses interpreting input inaccurately and who it happens to has nothing to do with their personality. There’s no snapping out of your senses lying to you about reality. I really wish more people would get that.
… sorry to jump on your comment and ramble there, I’m really pleased to see someone point this out because I have a family member who has had it and the stigma and general attitude of people has an actual damaging impact on their recovery but mostly when I try to say something or speak in defence of anyone with it I’m usually basically told to shut up - even from people who say they care about mental health issues. So I feel really happy seeing other people say something about it.
Heard! Thank you for watching and for taking the time to comment, I'm grateful for the chance to learn from you 📝📝📝📝
@@quadling3521bro acting psychotic in the comments
@@SiobhanBrierAguilar hey, it means a lot when people with a platform listen to their viewers about this issue! its people like you who will help us change the colloquial usage of the word psychotic from a synonym for evil to what it actually is: a condition that makes people very vulnerable. sincerely, thank you. ❤
@@_Sevren_ no one has ever liked you
35:00 onwards is SO IMPORTANT. I am slowly crawling my way out of the trauma-induced misandrist mindset, mostly because it's a really hard way to live. The insight that people can break out of socialized gender traits just like they can break out of gender traits they are born with is very helpful. Being opposed to patriarchy is a lot more useful than being opposed to men. But how can we protect ourselves without avoiding men, or without being more careful with them than with non-men? Some men are genuinely predators who will never see women as human beings, and some are just people, and it is impossible to reliably tell the difference until it is too late.
(44:45) I love how you bring up intersectionality in regards to the "i hate men philosophy". Another intersection in addition to race is neurodivergence. Especially with the wipping cream example, there are so many assumtions being made to reduce the wipping cream incident to a "man" thing. It's just goes to show how reductive "hating all men" can be.
I can't recommend Know My Name by Chanel miller enough, it's about how to process your trauma when the whole world is watching and how she is a fucking inspiration
So I saw the baby j special live and then recently watched part of the netflix special. Interestingly to me, he seemed so much more comfortable and made the audience feel so much more like we were on his side/laughing with him as a way of talking about really messed up things in his life. The netflix special i had to stop watching because he seemed so uncomfortable and stilted in it, and it made me feel kinda like a creep. I think the process of recording it really had an impact on the way that special played out
That is so interesting to me. I've never seen him live but maybe he gets camera shy. I can imagine how uncomfortable it must be (and how unnatural it must feel) to make fun of yourself for your own worst habits in front of a camera and crew. Thank you for sharing your insight
i felt this too! I saw it in its first run in vegas & it was sooo engaging. but watching in on netflix was really … odd? even with the same jokes.
@@SiobhanBrierAguilar Yeah, his previous specials I've seen on netflix never felt so stilted, but none of them were baring such personal dirt of the type that changes people's perception of you... Must have had an impact
Sometimes the algorithm takes mercy on my soul and pops something this thoughtful and empathetic on a timeline bogged down by miserable world events. Immediate sub, I’m grateful that you are taking the time to illustrate your thoughts to the public and this form of video-essaying is extremely convenient and useful for someone like me, who’s always keeping myself busy for fear of the angry thoughts seeping into my periphery. Anyway, you touched on some super personal feelings and shed a light on some of the burdens I carry toward myself and my gender. Particularly helpful to absorb after these election results and the animosity I’m starting to align with over the portion privileged women that abandoned their own interests.
As a man who has been in a long term relationship with a woman who I did not want kids with (I personally didn’t think she would have been a good mother) and then wanting kids afterwards once I wasn’t with her anymore, I can potentially understand John’s situation. Also, has nobody mentioned that maybe it was Anne Marie who didn’t want the kids and John just went along with her?
I really appreciated this video and it gave me so much to think about and discuss!
One note: Sikh is pronounced “sick” and is very much a different thing to “Sheikh”.
This is such a great video! I’ve been looking for someone to explain this situation and book who isn’t the media or a John Mulaney stan. Definitely going to check out your channel :)
I don't hate her and I think she's been through some stuff. I think she needs to age up in her behavior though, because she seems stuck mentally.
If she needs to prove to her readers that she was right about an argument with her boyfriend, imagine what it was like being married to her. Mulaney made some comments on talk shows that indicated she belittled him, such as when she refused to go to an awards show because she didn’t want to “fly out there to watch you lose.” We really don’t know his side of the story, and it’s unfair to blame him for her trauma when she clearly had traumatic experiences before they even met. Considering what he has revealed about his childhood, he might have been attracted to her because she wasn’t good for him.
HOW DOES YOUR CHANNEL NOT HAVE MILLIONS OF FOLLOWERS. Youre so well spoken omg