Breaking Free: Overcoming Anxiety and Controlling Behavior as a People Pleaser
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 มิ.ย. 2024
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I've been thinking a lot lately about my behavior in my relationships, particularly my friendships. I've always been the "responsible" one in my friend group, and much to my detriment. I've been spending time lately to think, why do I try to control my friends or friend group? Why do I engage in controlling behavior? Why am I controlling? As I dig a little deeper into it, I start to see how it is connected to my people pleasing behavior. I am a people pleaser. And it's likely due to underlying issues or fears that I somehow need to manage so I can control my anxiety. What needs to happen is I need to stop being the responsible one, stop people pleasing, so that I'm not engaging in toxic behavior in my relationships or friendships. No one wants a toxic friend group, and no one wants someone controlling them. I'm not perfect, and I, like everyone, else, have room to grow, despite being a therapist. I'd love to hear from you? Does any of this resonate? Do you do this? Are you controlling in your relationships? Do you have a friend that can be controlling? How does this make you feel? Let me know in the comments.
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How has people pleasing helped or hurt you in your relationships? Let me know in the comments...
I do a massive amount of community work and also feel burnt out and have most of your feelings.
Great video, Katie!!!!
People pleasing has caused me to be subservient. I now question "what do I need?" "How can I help myself be who I need to be?"
I agree to things that I shouldn't because I get anxious and feel as if I need to give them not just the right answer, but the answer that they want. I just sold my wedding ring (was appraised in 2003 at over 30,000) to give you an idea of the ring, it consisted of 3 bands. The main stone is a brilliant cut 1.34 carats with three fair sized diamonds on each size. The other 2 bands had 5 stones that probably in total were 3/4 carat on either side. Regardless, big, gorgeous ring. I needed the money, and contacted a jeweller, who offered me 4500 for the diamonds without even seeing it, not including the gold. Lots of gold, thick, big rings. Anyway had a friend that saw it, tried it on, loved it and said she wanted it and knew about the 4,500. She offered and I accepted. I was anxious, needed the money and not thinking it through (anxiety). Re the jeweller based it on diamonds only and would have given me more for the gold. Also, like a car dealer, definitely would have sold it for much more etc. Anyway, ring is gone for 4,500. I let this friend know that I made a mistake and it was because of my anxiety. Keep in mind, I have been on disability since the age of 27 and am now 54. So, she knows I made a mistake. She has LOTS of money. Not the point, but....long story short? That was a big one for me. People pleaser, anxiety, cost me lots of money that I didn't have. Plus, after getting the guts to tell her that I made and error, I was hoping as a friend, that has the money, knows about my Kendal health issues, to do the right thing g and offer me a few more thousand. That's what I would do, but I am a people pleaser. She even asked me after all of this, what I thought I would have gotten for it...a ray of hope, thinking g she would offer me more. Nope. Silly me for thinking that as a human that has empathy, would do the right thing. Hell, I am broke and give money to people that I can't afford to, just because I have it better than them. If you are on disability? You know that struggling to survive on what we receive was extremely difficult before the pandemic. Now? I am living on eggs, because that's all that I can afford to buy. So...people pleaser here
Kati Morton iv never been a people pleaser or been controlling in my friendship s over the years but iv known people pleaser s and had controlling friends 😥
It is easier to help others than look inside and help ourselves.
Totally xoxo
It was like you were talking about me. I realised some time ago that I myself had caused my burnout by people pleasing, being irreplaceable and responsible for everything and feeling guilty about things just in case, so that no one would get angry or something like that. And boy it was a tough thing to swallow. I think perfectionism is also part of this. I decided too that now it's enough. I have to remind myself constantly that it's ok to make mistakes, I don't have to take care of everything! Self-compassion has helped me too so much. We can do this!❤
Me too!
"People do get around and manage their life, without me. I know, unbelievable!" Made me laugh out loud. So, SO relatable... Thank you for bringing humour into this difficult and challenging topic for us controllers and people pleasers.
I definitely feel this. I was a parentified child and scapegoat, and always seemed to fall into the 'responsible one' role with friends. On drunken nights out, I'd be the one 'having' to look after friends and making sure they got home safely. I've also never wanted kids, and think it's from being sick of responsibility. Even now, I tend to have to be the instigator in texting or calling friends. I love them, but don't want that responsibility. It's a hard thing to unlearn, but I'm trying to.
Oh, I definitely feel that. I was a parentified child, too, and the scapegoat in the family. My friends would get wasted in college, but I was always the one who knew the line where I could get tipsy or a drunk but still be in control and I never crossed that line. I always felt responsible for making sure everyone got home safe. I was the person who was like 'no, you can't get in the car with that strange man.' And they usually thanked me for it in the morning, but you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make sure your friends don't potentially get taken advantage. I don't want children, as well, and I totally agree with you that I am just so sick of being so responsible all the time that I just don't want to be responsible for children, as well.
I’m also a parentified child with an irresponsible sibling, so I’ve had to be responsible early on too. As you said, it’s absolutely exhausting and I don’t want children myself either. I want to feel like I can be free and am allowed to make mistakes.
I’ve also been way too responsible even as a kid… I repeat to myself “not everything is my problem” when I feel overwhelmed, it helps.
My mantra when I’m feeling overwhelmed is “observe, not absorb”. We can take notice of things without taking over or making it our problem.
This hit way too close to home. 1000% of everything you said describes me to a T. I’ve always been the initiator, the responsible one who plans, who tries to care of everything and everyone and it’s just exhausting. But then when I try to “retire” from being responsible I feel left out and alone and it might be tied to my fear of abandonment, which sucks because it makes me feel like I have to be responsible again. The worst part about my people pleasing is recognizing that people have hurt me deeply and I was the one who apologized. Anyway, LOVE this video and all of your videos really. Bless you Kati! 💜
Letting go is harder than keeping a tight grip..Enjoy your freedom!
I love you aren't scared to show this side of yourself. I have been following you for some time now and I am thankful for you and your videos Take care of yourself we need you :D
Thank you so much!!
1 minute into the video and I can already resonate so heavily with what it is you're experiencing, and I thought straight away, it's the responsibility we place on ourselves. Not only feeling responsible for our own lives, but it's extremely tiring feeling responsible for other people's stuff, emotions and situations. Or in other words it's the emotional labour that unfortunately a lot of women tend to take part in which causes so much anxiety and stress. Codependency? 😩 I know for me when I get to this stage, I have this stronnnggggg urge to just run away and escape everything. And I'm still learning to manage that emotional first aid right before I even get to that stage of burnout or freeze mode. I've noticed that incorporating some boundaries, expressing my needs and what I really want from others unapologetically, REAALLLYY helps! And it sounds like you're already doing that which is great. And it's interesting that you mention your people pleasing being a method of manipulation to avoid conflict which is essentially you trying to manage a situation to avoid anxiety. It's you wanting to avoid the conflict (overwhelm/anxiety) within yourself. I think the people who resonate with this video will also resonate strongly with the notion of 'being overwhelmed by the fear of becoming overwhelmed' lol 😅 Why is that we wait till burnout to start implementing boundaries or expressing what it is that we need at any given moment. We should feel safe enough to do these things on a daily basis. But we fear we will come across needy or demanding, or fear we will be rejected because there's ''no one else out there that cares about us to the extent that we care for others''. But maybe if we just ask for what we would like from others we may surprise ourselves?
Ohh and don't be afraid of rocking the boat when attempting to get your needs met. Some people are really uncomfortable with such straight forward (effective) communication. People will learn. If not then you can incorporate boundaries accordingly.
Omg yes that urge to just run away.. I have felt that before!! Thank you so much for sharing, and I will keep working on it (and not just doing these things when I am already burned out). xoxo
"People will learn. If not , incorporate your bonduaries accordingly."
Absolutely agree. Sums up a necessary condition for a healthy relationship of any kind..
Yeap! I'm a runner. I will pack and go after trying to fight a good fight. I just loose the fire to fight and roll over, then I sneak away.
Responsible seems to me to by definition to be always responding or being responsive to others, even at the cost of responding to self care needs. And if it becomes a feeling that we have to respond to everyone all the time and in a positive way would leave a person feeling really burned out.
As long as I get the bills paid and feed the cats, try to take care of my health, those are my important responsibilities. Priorities.
Totally!! Priorities priorities priorities. xoxo
Loved this video. I’m a retired nurse and wanted to be a nurse since I was 5. I am a people pleaser. I know when mine got worse and why I have anxiety with parties and get togethers. When I had my first apartment-with my now husband-we planned a holiday party for the 4 other nurses who started working with me and their partners. They all said yes. In the 36 hours before the party, 3 of them canceled and then when it came time for the party to start, the last person never showed. To this day, whenever I have put together something, there is a voice in my head that says no one will come. I used to host 500 person black tie events and would always have a little panic until they started showing up.
I now live in SW France and manage a gîte-a rental cottage. I am super happy when I see that my guests have arrived!
I really like these sit-down kinda videos they're more real and I find myself understanding the content more as it feels like a conversation. I've always been curious about my therapists and their lives so to hear from one talking about their own life and their own therapist feels very humanising and compassionate.
"Retire from responsability!"That's a good plan. That was an AHA moment for me as well, Kati! Totally resonate! Thank you!
I do not know you, I am sharing my experience. I would love to find out how this goes for you. Here is my experience and what I learnt: I tried that. It actually does not work and gets you nowhere, except for learning who I am and how to really be there for myself. It is a good way to learn the lesson of showing up for yourself. The problem is that we always have something to be responsible for, so good luck retiring, but we'll done for starting the real journey to healing what is actually painful. This is a process of learning to set boundaries, delegate, and have truly reciprocal relationships and finally let yourself be loved in a real way without the burden of "you scratch my back, I have to scratch yours". I hope you have better outcomes than I did 🥰.
This is me. I people please to lessen my anxiety. If anyone around me (family, friends, co-workers) is having any issue, even just if they sigh in frustration, I feel like I need to fix whatever the problem is for them so they are not stressed. When other people are stressed/anxious/angry/etc I feel that too so I try to do what I can to make them not feel like that... which isn't good because most of the time there isn't anything I can do, and then I just am stuck feeling anxious about their problem and mood.
Enjoy your freedom of responsibility! Once you mastered letting go, you will enjoy taking some responsibility once in a while.
And yes, this is something I still have to learn, that I don't have to do everything by myself.
xoxo
This is me to a T. I am the oldest of 4 children. Raised in broken, drug, and sexual abuse home. I have been saved from that since 18 years old. Had kids at 27 years. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, noticeable since having kids 10 years ago. I have always been a people pleaser, most responsible in family, and now homeschooling 3 kids. I now realize I get more anxious when I feel I have no control over the situation or people. Your video has opened my eyes. I think it is a manipulation on my part to have control, so life goes they way I think it should. I get most angry with my kids and my siblings. My husband matches my anger, so we have learned to give space and then talk after we have calmed down. But I get depressed when I realize my behavior isn't good for me or my kids. I have no control over it. Would love to know how you have dealt with this newfound revelation and is letting go of responsibility has helped. Thanks!
It's crazy because people pleasing only makes me calm in that moment but it doesn't make me calm later on when I think about what I wish I would have said or done
This video could not come at a better time 🥲
I love that you aren’t putting on a mask- that you aren’t chirping and perky and covering or making light of how anxiety drives behavior and coping mechanisms. Thank you for putting out such great content for all to explore. You may have had a realization that people pleasing is a form of manipulation, but I can tell it’s equally, if not more likely, that you have a general passion for helping people live their best lives. I am a fellow pleaser, helper, hero, fawner and I am also mostly retired from it. I am choosing to respect others’ autonomy. I have stopped “shoulding” myself for the most part. This life is so good in so many ways. Why not just go with the flow and be ok? Hugs from a mom of two in Maine.
My friend's controlling behavior ended our friendship. She saw it as being "helpful." I saw it as being in my face, controlling, and stressful. I am a competent person who has been an RN for 46 years and does not need "help."
Relatable definitely have the same thought process if I control everything and take responsibility then nothing can go wrong. I mean doesn't really work like that as most things are out of my control, which is frustrating as the effort wasn't worth it in the end. 😑😂
Are ya kiddin me right now Katie??
You’re describing me to a TEE here!!
My father abused me as a child, it was mostly verbal, mental abuse, but the physical episodes (his belt) are the ones that have stayed at the forefront of my adult life. Having raised our two sons with kindness and direction that was not given to me, they are now the pride of my life, in their adult lives.
I’m 69 now, single and have been seeing my therapist for almost four years. I’ve told her several times that she is the highlight of my every week and I truly wish I’d have started it much sooner.
I’ve been this people pleasing, planning, take care of everyone and everything guy, for most of my life. But I’ve never thought of it in this, “am I manipulative” sense. This is gonna take some careful thought and discussion with her for me to digest, for sure.
I was the dad who worked all three shifts, did my own laundry, planted the garden and flower beds, painted, cleaned the bathrooms, cut the acre and a half, helped coach the boys at little league and basketball, (they are 5 years apart in age) made myself a part of the church organizations and the Catholic school PTG, planning all the fundraisers for each entity….. and on and on…..
My therapist and I will once again this week, have some digging to do. LOL!!
Thank You Dear Katie for once again planting a seed for thought!! You Are Appreciated!!
This resonated with me so much. I didn’t realize how much I was carrying until unfortunately a friend of mine had suddenly passed. I was so distraught and it felt like everyone was picking at me to still make plans and arrangements when all I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry.
And I don’t think it would have felt so bad, if they had just been inviting me somewhere to hang out, but it was just constantly “hey, we want to get together, can you contact so n’ so?” And I would sit there thinking “you have their number, why am I the one that has to?”
That’s when I realized I had been holding groups of people together because I had taken over that responsibility, but I just didn’t have the mental capacity for it anymore. So I stopped. I had conversations with the friends that I still wanted relationships with that I wasn’t going to keep making everything work. It helped me get some toxic relationships away from me, having those hard conversations. But I’m the end, I’ve felt a lot better. I still have my days and I definitely wrote down some notes from this because they weren’t things I had considered yet.
Thank you so much for this 💜
People pleasing has cost me knowing who I am and honoring my boundaries. It has cost me having deep and authentic relationships - I am like water- no one really hates water- but it's not most people's favorite drink.
Also I don't have children either - I found what you shared super vulnerable and very relatable. I came to the conclusion that your therapist did " F*#k Happy- you are not as ' nice' as you appear! You have learned to help ( read: take over the situation - spring into action) others to a) avoid taking care of yourself
b) avoid the discomfort of seeing OTHER people's discomfort
c) This is my MOM !!! I have learned this from my Mom!
Yes to the parentified child. And my Mom and I had the dance of over functioning/under functioning dynamic to maintain closeness...
Yes to the hypervigilance, yes to the fawn response.
Wow Katie-you nailed this.
Thanks Katie- continue to take care of yourself 💪🏽💗
I understand what you are saying here about people pleasing and responsibility. I feel like many of us grew up with these tendencies and the pressure to be “successful”, “responsible” or “good people”.
I think there is a distinction though of what you are NOT talking about: hurting others intentionally, letting things like bills, basic living environment, rules for society completely go out the window. You are saying “I’m retiring from the pressure of having to control everything, being the “bigger person”, having everything “together” all the time.”
And we ALLL need that. Every single one of us. And knowing where these tendencies come from and what the actual root issue is- is important.
Great video, thank you for your transparency! We love it!
So relatable. People pleasing definitely temporarily decreases anxiety but it’s exhausting and unrealistic to try and keep everyone content all the time.
I’ve also realised that I try to control every situation in life so I don’t feel as anxious all the time.
It’s so difficult to let others plan situations and sit back and feel okay about that, but it’s beneficial in order to remove control from your own hands.
Sometimes we don’t even recognise that we are constantly anxious until something happens and we immediately flip into panic (because we were already riding on the edge of panic without realising)… or on the contrary when our anxiety lessens momentarily and suddenly we don’t feel like ourselves and panic a bit because we’re so unfamiliar with being less anxious 😂
Often I’ll subconsciously do things to elevate my anxiety just so I feel more ‘myself’.
Well done for identifying these parts of your character and your current responses that may need some work.
The best mind is an open mind. 😊
With kindness and respect always
💗🌈🦋☀️🐝🌻
my counsellor told me something important about people pleasing (in the way of always making sure other people are alright). If someone seems to be upset with you, you can ask them what's wrong and apologize for what you did wrong. If they refuse to tell what you did wrong/why they are upset with you, then you don't have to stay in the state of anxiety about it. That's on them now. I don't know if that helps anyone.
also, a different counsellor (in the past) told me that 'anxiety is unestimating your ability to cope'. If the thing you are getting anxiety over really happened, then you would deal with it but anxiety is underestimating your ability to do that.
I grew up with a narcissistic Mother and an emotional unavailable father. Their relationship was broken ever since I can remember and I was always the "Responsible one" the one in the middle of their relationship and it remained that way even after they divorced when I was 14. They had no communication, so any conversation they needed to have, even about maintenance or things related to me or my brother was done through me.
I have always been the "mother" everywhere I went.
I can honestly say I do it because I want things to go smoothly, I can see others are not thinking about it and if I don't, nobody else will, so I take it upon myself when I foresee issues arising to handle thinhs and stop it from happening way ahead of time.
It's extremely stressful being this way, and people pleasing. What I found is that because I have spent my entire life being "miss perfect", now that I am exhausted and I just want to be able to act like a human being who has flaws and makes mistakes, people around me do not seem to accept that. If I deliver any less than my "usual standard", Its like the end of the world. Meanwhile, people around me, doing a lot less and being praised. It's just so tireing having people expect this high level of you when you struggle to say "no" and they know that and take advantage.
I was in an abusive relationship for nearly 10 years. I realize now I allowed the abusive patterns to continue by people pleasing. It wasn't easy to accept but I realize now I did everything I could to make the abuse stop. I took responsibility for it, when the true responsibility for abuse lies with my abuser. The minute I stopped spending every hour of my day trying to please my spouse was the minute our whole marriage fell apart. I was devastated at the time, but after a year of being without them in my life I feel so much better. My life is mine again. I still have a long way to go heal and sometimes I still fall into some people pleasing patterns, but I recognize them much more often now. Honestly your content and your openness about your people pleasing has helped me so much over the last year, so thank you!!
There is a book ( The drama of being a Child) by Allice Miller. Her research showed that therapists are good at seeing other peoples problems, but they are no better than other people in " self-care" skills.
If your parents where dysfunctional ( or narcissistic/addicted), then emotional incest is the norm. That is the parent put`s you into the role of soothing them. While at the same time don`t let you learn self soothing skills, or self-care skills. Workaholism/perfectionism is often a reaction to this.
Even if you are a therapist. It`s not professional, to do the work if you have problems to separate your work from your free time. That is you need to have excellent " self care skills", and that is healthy boundaries between you and your clients. Also having these issues is normal with people who work in the " health" industry. It`s like if you are on a airplane that has turbulence, then it`s important to take oxygen on your self FIRST before you help others. The amount of people who suffers in the world is so large. That one person can never heal them all.
I think it`s important to realise that you are not special. You are just a human. And you don`t owe the world to heal it. The world has survived for billions of years and will survive for another trillion with or without your help. You have also done enough work. Your online videos helps millions of people, for free!.
This is exactly what I am struggling with right now. I was a parentified child and felt like it was my ultimate responsibility to hold everything together. I felt like I was and had to be the glue that had to keep everyone from falling apart. It feels like it's suffocating and stealing all of my energy. Having healthy boundaries regarding my time and energy has been crucial for me. These strict boundaries are uncomfortable to install in our lives but they allow for us to regain our sense of freedom and liberation.
Then we can use our time and energy as we wish. And only with the people who we want to be around. I desperately need to retire from this responsibility because it feels soul crushing if I'm being honest. It feels like I needed to be so strong for everyone else that now I can't even be strong for myself. How sad is that! It definitely is pulling me to do more inner child work so I can further understand how this tendency was created and how best to move forward.
It's such a heavy feeling that feels like a burden. It eventually leads to feeling resentful and angry with those who we interact with. Because in a way, we are mad at ourselves for having to be in this role, instead of just being free to be ourselves without all of that pressure. This is just my experience and perspective. I don't mean to speak for everyone. Hope someone relates.
As soon as you started speaking, I started to cry. This was exactly what I am struggling with right now! Thank you for the encouragement that we will get through this.
So painfully relatable
My only issue right now is learning to set boundaries and say no to people. I need this for myself while I get my own stuff sorted out. I like my friends & house guests but don't like having house guests. So instead of being a vacation station, i started saying no. "I can meet you somewhere 1/2 way so it's a vacation for the both of us." I may lose friends but that's better than losing my own mind. I made a firm decision & I'm sticking to it. Self preservation.
I resonated with this so much. The feeling of not wanting kids because you have already spent your whole live being responsible for everyone is exactly how I feel.
Another facet of this which may or may not apply to you is relating to needs. I have really had to consider what my own needs are and whether they are being met and if I know how to ask for them to be met. Part of my burnout is huge resentment over being responsible for everyone. Then I listened to Brene Brown say that resentment is in the envy family not the anger family and it really changed everything for me. Part of the exhaustion is that I am responsible for tending to all these people’s needs, but who is responsible for tending to mine? When I feel resentment towards meeting someone’s needs, for me it is actually that I feel envious that they are so open in expressing their needs and asking for help without letting consideration/people pleasing stop them. Whereas I am over here being to considerate of other people to a) even know or pay attention to my needs, b) ask for any help or ask for anyone to be responsible for me
This is me too. It is all about anxiety and control. My mom's memory problems has forced me begin to realize how much I can't control. My people pleasing skills to relieive my anxiety don't work on her anymore because she can't remember what I did or didn't do. That leads to me thinking a conversation with her is a big deal, but she doesn't it remember the next day.
Are you me? This sounds like exactly the kind of stuff I've been dealing with the last couple of years.
My name is Katie, and this is something my therapist and I have also discussed, so this was a particularly interesting listen for me.
And honestly, same. I'm exhausted and it took forever to figure out why. This still hasn't quite sunk in, because it's hard to let go of the idea that this thing that makes people happy and makes them like me is a bad thing for me.
For me, it's also progressed into a martyr mentality as well of, I don't deserve to have nice things, these other people struggle, and so should I.
Good luck with your forward progress!
Haha "It was really fun... you should try it sometime." Love the silly moment. People pleasing is exhausting! But it's a way I learned to behave when young, due to a fear of being killed. It is a manipulation and essentially manipulates ourselves to think we're unworthy of sanity.
One thing that's helped me over the years is my husband, who points out when it seems like I'm people pleasing. Then, I assess, and while sometimes people pleasing is part of what I'm doing, I have reasons for jumping up to clean when a mess is pointed out... usually I'm annoyed, as well, so I decide to stop procrastinating and get it over with. Baby steps. And holy hell the anxiety when I'm not doing what everyone else might want.
This video actually helped me breathe a bit deeper. I give myself a day without my phone and then immediately need it to do something and allow myself to get sucked back in.
My people pleasing was self seeking and usually to get people to like me. I didn’t even like me.
You’re not alone feeling this way.
Self inventory writing is the BEST way to clean the slate for me. I just need to be aware of not numbing before hand (tv, TH-cam etc) so I can focus.
I love how honest you are, it is just easy to relate, and easier to learn and retain information, as it is such real personal experience. Makes more sense, and is reassuring that no matter what we are literally all in this together.
I know exactly what you mean Katy!! I'm a people pleaser and absolutely hate conflict. I will do anything and everything in my power to keep others happy.
To me, responsibility is about bills, appointments, and specific promises I made; whereas people pleasing feels like an urgent task tied to my own moral worth, and excessive attention to minute detail. I can see how always assuming it's my job to ensure everything's fair, just, and going smoothly, and also to decide what that looks like, could be controlling and manipulative. Hovewer, there's a difference between "it would be nice if everyone had enough to eat, let's see how I can help" and "I must be the one to order the pizza to ensure that there's more than enough, I have to intervene right now".
Ppl pleasing is something I’d done my entire life and I’m well into my 60’s…but when I turned 50, I realized I just couldn’t do it anymore, didn’t WANT to do it anymore and felt literally burnt out by having done it for so long. It didn’t particularly get me anywhere. In fact, it kept other ppl from knowing the real me, my boundaries & limitations and it made me realize i didn’t even realize who “I” was, what “I” wanted or needed. Others didn’t reach out to ever help ME…I was always rushing to help or fix others.
This all led to great anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem and like you said total “burnout” from always trying to control my feelings & environment as well as others’ feelings. This entirely screams “TAKE A BREAK”! Time to look within. Time to sort out feelings.
I’m in therapy now, after 2 miserable years of isolating b/c of covid, And I had to look many fears and anxieties in the face. The realization of all the things that caused me anxiety seemed endless and like I was just creating more and more exponentially! The world felt like it was collapsing onto me with nowhere for me to turn. With the help of therapy and listening to Tara Brach & Ekhart Tolle TH-cam videos, it’s helping to make me feel more grounded. Less like I have to be in control of things. Good, is now “good enough.” Life is complicated. We all need to take a break…sometimes a long break, and just know that all will be ok, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment.
Was like this before my hospitalization. I burned myself making sure I got everything for everyone taken care of. I now take a view point of does something fill my cup first and others as well.
I've always been a people pleaser. I also do my best to help others.
This resonated so much with me. We seem to be very much alike. I've been struggling with anxiety, OCD, people pleasing, avoiding conflicts etc. all my life. I've been thinking lately that I'm also kind of a 'passively' parentified child because of growing up with a traumatized mother. I'm 33 and still act as if it's me that experienced childhood trauma. I didn't - but I took everything in 'second hand' through my mum, if that makes sense. Also, I'm a therapist (for children) today and struggle with the fact that it might be better for me to not have children of my own. Thank you for your openness. 🙂
Kati, I cannot thank you enough for this video. I feel the exact same way. You thinking 'how dare you, take that back' to what your therapist said made me giggle because it's so relatable. Being called out on our patterns.... Thank you for these videos and talking so openly about everything. This is so, so needed.
I resonated with a lot of what you mentioned. My therapist and I have talk before about the possibility of my people pleasing being a manipulative coping tactic. Likely originating from a place of fawning. (Tried to control anything and anyone I could in hopes it would y set off my unpredictable drunk father). As well as a thought pattern of “I need to be good/helpful enough or “anyone” will leave me.
I do think it’s harmed/harming my relationships. And is a big part of my burnout I’ve been in for over two years now.
I people please/be the responsible one a lot and often don’t notice. And am praised for it, yet I often dismiss or diminish it. But when I get overwhelmed or stressed I often have thoughts like I’m not being thought of or appreciated at all and I become resentful of “all that I give to people”. Like they should be aware of and reciprocate what I do for them. Even though most of the time no one’s asked me to take care or or take responsibility for them.
I also find that in these times a will sometimes end up with flipped thoughts. Like I think and act like I don’t care anymore. “I’m not gonna do anything or anyone ever again” out of spite. Though rarely do I ever follow through on those thoughts and if I do it’s very short lived. The fear of conflict and abandonment kick in and keep me from “retiring”. I do think I’ve “retired” more during this burnout I’m in. (Not working, seeing friends less and doing less altogether) but I’m not convinced that it’s been healthy for me either. I get a mix of guilt/shame when I don’t attend to others or decline responsibility. And I’ve also let all responsibility go at times and still sometimes. Even personal responsibilities.
So I’m aware of it and know I should work on it but struggle since it’s linked to childhood traumas. And haven’t figured out how to manage it without cross either line of going back to people pleasing or going the other way and basically giving up on participating in life to avoid feeling the need to people please.
I definitely worry at night and have a hard time sleeping... that is why I play video games! So I can remember something nice as I try to fall asleep instead of thinking about how my life isn't going to work out as I hoped... I do try to fix my problems, but I have a hard time compartmentalizing my worry. I worry when it isn't helpful.
Excellent honest video. Thank you!! Lots of out of control things in my childhood made me just like this. Plus my temperament. A coworker friend who had been a police dispatcher would see me winding up. He'd say calmly, "There's no ambulance coming." That's the mantra at my home now when one of us starts revving into control/panic mode. It works instantly to get a calmer perspective.
I just found this video after watching one where you discussed childhood neglect. I never thought about the fact that my constant people pleasing is actually a way for me to control what’s happening around me. Without a doubt it is definitely me trying to avoid confrontation.
Oooo I relate to this so much! I'm an elementary art teacher and very good with kids but never wanted kids of my own. Friends, family, coworkers were always so stumped as to why....so was I to be honest. I was the people pleaser, super responsible, taking care of things my mom couldn't, she has hoarding issues along with depressive episodes and anxiety. I went through a lot of death in a short amount of time as well. My brother was suicidal at one point too. I'm in my 40's and have never even been in a relationship because I was so worried I would have to take care of the needs of that person and the thought of that was completely exhausting. Makes a lot of sense now and because of therapy I have been able to see why!
Yikes, I related to this a lot. I was just doing something like this and after listening to this video, I apologized to my friend. Thanks for sharing as always and helping me grow
Of course!! I am so glad it was helpful :) xoxo
Thanks for sharing about the people pleasing manipulation, that was a mind blowing realisation for me and now I know
Of course!! It blew my mind when I learned that too! xoxo
Counselor also and this is me!!! Mine comes from trauma and I am failing at working on it currently. Going to watch all your videos.
Hey Kati, I believe this is so common. I am in therapy as well for the same reason. I always was the 'mum' already, like you said. But it never occurred to me that this is a bad thing and a sign of me not taking care of myself, but instead manipulating and planning everything around me, so that I can be ok. It took being a mother and not being able to do my usual controlling behaviour with my strong willed child and things going wrong for me to start feeling the things I was so desperate to hold at bay. My therapist put it as being "anxiety structured". That thought really helped because I was beating myself up over not being able to just drop this behaviour. Turns out my whole brain was wired though intense anxiety and it's got its perks like being really attentive to details and other people's needs and so on. But since it is enmeshed in my brain structure it will take a really long time to restructure my brain to some extent. It helps me to actually feel the enormous stress that comes up, it also helps to the it back to the more vulnerable states I was in and the intense fear of abandonment. But wherever it takes for you, I'm sure you can understand and work on it, if you feel like it's taken over your life. It's great that you already know that about yourself and can begin to understand what is really going on with you, so that you can start to live a happier life! Be proud of yourself, you are untangling a huuuuuge knot! 😎
Yep I feel super burnt out in general these days. because of how much two members of my family is always acting irresponsible and hurtful to others. But I am taking my space from them, witch really helps a lot... as for cooking and home tasks.. my parents actually spoils me there.
My older siblings are actually being so sopportive these days, since they're back home *they went abroad to study and work*.. they're taking off my shoulders the troubles of my family. I feel blessed😄.
And yes the "They can go through things without me" statement, really calms me down.
Thank you katie, I REALLY love your videos and they help me out.. I hope you have a nice retired day.
This is so me as well. I was told once, "let it fail". This is such a foreign concept for me, but I think in the long run it's probably a good way of operating sometimes.
I love this channel. Been watching Katie for years. My thing is childhood abuse. I went through that and it really messed my life up. I got trauma from it.
I am so glad you love the channel, and so sorry you had to go through such trauma growing up. xoxxo
Well, when u stop ppl pleasing and somebody people pleases u, u appreciate it so much more.
I relate to this SO MUCH! It’s so me. My partner constantly tells me to “chill out” because I feel like I’m ‘responsible’ for everything.
no kids here either - i raised my brothers. you are so insightful. being responsible could also be one of those perfectionist traits that we tie to our identities and can never be good enough at? our brains can be wired for hyper-vigilence - HSP and autistic people like me have extra brain matter just for reactivity. sweet jesus cracks me up. can we accept our brains and just be ok with being deep thinkers?
Hi Kati, your reasons for why you take on so much responsibility seem totally on point from what I can tell. I always tend to think about how there's this spectrum of how we learn to cope as kids with trauma or masses of overwhelm. It has overfunctioning on the one end and underfunctioning on the other, and both are coping mechanisms that can trip us up in the long run. And I guess healthy functioning lies somewhere in the middle. I'm not a therapist (yet lol, still studying), but I've noticed that soooo many people who've had trauma from abuse/family addiction etc, fall towards either end of this spectrum. Probably depending on their personality and other extenuating circumstances. And it definitely does look like you naturally gravitated toward the responsible end of the spectrum.
Like, I am a visually disabled woman from South Africa, and I couldn't always escape the house when my parents' addictions and other issues would flare up, so I developed this learned helplessness thing and ended up gravitating toward the underfunctioning end. My coping mechanism is that my brain goes into paralysis mode bc of the belief that I *can't* control shit, even if I wanted to. So that can result in procrastination, messiness, food addiction, depression and lethargy, for example. I tell you this because I want you to know I see you and that there's nothing, like, *wrong* with you for having these coping mechanisms. Nobody lives through some ACEs and immediately just has this totally healthy style of functioning as adults, whichever point on that spectrum they may fall on. What you explained just makes all the sense in the world... and hopefully this comment normalises your own challenges for you in times when you might be tempted to chastise yourself for them
WOW!!! Thank you Kati for all the insight, I was the hero child in my family and people always look to me as an adult to take care of everything, it’s exhausting! I’ve been doling out responsibilities to my family and they’re not liking it, lol
Omg. This so opened my eyes. The exhaustion of being the responsible role, all the time. Thank you for sharing this with such honesty and clarity. 💜
The parent child resonated too, not me parenting a parent, but I had a brother 9 years older than me, and he was reckless and dangerous, sometimes I had to be the one to try to get him to not do stupid or dangerous things. I think that mostly encouraged him to be more dangerous though. But I felt responsible for witnessing it and not being able to stop it because I knew better.
Anxiety, people pleasing, needing to control, yes yes yes. Sometimes I also angrily would think, “I’m the only one thinking responsibly, why _shouldn’t_ I control this, and that just heaped on more responsibility, and with it, anxiety.
And the hyper vigilance! Two sides of the same coin - strong responsibility brings hyper vigilance.
Observing my own kids, I think that they have anxiety because they’re totally helpless. When they need something, they only understand that they’re upset. And their only way to communicate is crying and screaming.
Before they’re born, they get what they need all the time. Afterwards, they have to be uncomfortable. That sucks.
Kati, you just described my life! Childhood SA ., parentified young, people pleaser with a 40 year career in health care- the perfect storm! When I was forced to retire early, it was very traumatic , followed by the death of my mom (also traumatic), and the death of a very close friend by suicide a couple of months later, it threw me into a tailspin of anxiety and panic attacks, along with social anxiety. Through therapy, I learned that anxiety had been such a part of my life from such a young age, that my mind had “normalized” it, allowing me to function somewhat normally. Until trauma entered the picture. Unfortunately for me, my burnout, or retirement from responsibility took on extremeness to the point of what I call paralysis…..not bathing, cleaning, doing laundry or going out for very long periods of time. I’m working on it, but it’s slow going with the underlying depression. So you see, I totally resonated with this post. Thank you for sharing your insights and being vulnerable, as well as relevant!
I immediately understood what you were talking about. I'm a parentified child of two addicts/ narcissists (one with BPD and HPD, and the other is a covert narcissist who can do no wrong).
I'm 31 this year, and I've been reading about narcissism and personality disorders since 2017 due to a very lovely psychiatrist diagnosing my mom from afar, which he said is totally not kosher but he needed me to have the facts in order to help myself out of the rut I was in.
I mentioned my age because honestly until 2 years ago, despite knowing the ins and outs of my fucked up family, I was working my ass off in Uni for a career I didn't want. I was always told since I was capable, I had to get the best grades. Since I got great grades, I had to go to Uni (at my own expense I might add). My parents decided I would naturally be a doctor or some academic researcher. This is coming from people who didn't even pass 9th grade and who rarely worked themselves; they thought of me as their retirement plan I guess.
The real kicker was that I was told if I continued to draw and do visual arts, I would starve (I never even told my family I wanted to do this, but at 16 this is what I got to hear everyday I came home from school since my favourite pastime was drawing).
I felt so hollow and empty until I realized most of my life and personality were built around taking care of everyone else at the expense of myself. I slowly realized I wasn't, since a very young age, allowed to ask for things or get upset when my family broke promises and outright lied to me or abused me (physical, emotional, verbal). I wasn't allowed to have a childhood (I grocery shopped, swept, vacuumed, mopped, cleaned, did the laundry, raised my niece, etc from the age of 9 onwards). No wonder I always bent over backwards for people.
I never people pleased because of some inherent anxiety, I did it because I was told this was my role in the world and who I needed to be in order to be accepted and loved. Well, the good news is because of corona boredom last year I picked up drawing again and I'm going to take a stab at that since it was the career I always wanted. Whether I succeed or fail doesn't really matter; what really matters to me is that the choice is mine and mine alone.
I am not leaving this here for any kind of catharsis, I've written about this stuff at length previously. My aim is that if someone sees this and resonates with it, that they know they have every right to choose themselves and to walk away from destructive families. You can be kind, but you owe nothing to anyone in this world. You owe yourself a life worth living.
Your honesty is refreshing
Thanks!
I am controlling my friends by being they’re people pleaser
Thanks for being transparent and "ramblely". Seeing anxiety and trying to figure-it-outness presented by a therapist is eye opening. Because I think I've been envisioning therapists (including my own) as superhuman and having all the answers, but only for themselves. Kind of as if as much at they want to help, or you crave their help, they just don't get it because CLEARLY they're ALWAYS resilient and know the solution, and I don't. This has quickly recentered and reminded me that no one has all the answers on any subject no matter how versed and studied they are in it. Wishing you a nice retirement from the behaviors that bring burnout or you feel aren't serving you anymore. Again, I commend you for sharing (all while giving homework that we could dive into for ourselves as well). Thanks!
I relate to this 100% Kati, thank you for talking about it.
I relate so much with everything you're saying!
I relate so much to this! Thank you, i really needed to hear someone else talk about it.
Excellent video!
Love your content
Dear Kati, I am Alexandra and I love your videos. I just wanted to send you hugs and I hope you can get enough time off to relax and not being responsible 😊😊
i love this kind of video, idk if you regularly do these but i really like the just raw honestly and talking
I found this super helpful thank you
Would love more about this topic! Seriously need this.
Really liked that relaxed format 🥰
Such a lovely share! :) best post yet. So insightful!
I loved this Kati. I loved the way you sat down and talked about this in a very personable way. I really resonated with this and its definitely given me food for thought now! I'm a people pleaser too and my friends nickname me "Mother Hen". And I also actively choose to not have children so when you said maybe the reason you done that was because you'd been so responsible with everyone in your life up until then you got burnt out, I was like hmm... maybe that was partly a reason for my choice too because reflecting on it now I can remember feeling that the thought of taking on any more responsibility on my shoulders would be too much. The other reason was because I grew up with a narcissistic mother and I had this enormous fear of turning into her with my own child so I decided to forgo the risk. And that in turn is another reason why I'm a people pleaser... because of my narcissistic mother. I look back at myself as a child and feel sad that I now know I was suffering with depression from a young age (4 years old onwards) and feeling anxiety all the time.
I know this is not directly relating to the topic of responsibility, but it is relating to control and anxiety and when I'm feeling out of control of a situation and anxious, I tell myself "you can't sweat what you can't control" "what will be will be". I find the first one calms me down when I repeat it. It kind of washes a clearer perspective over me in that moment and I feel less stressed.
I'm going to take what you've said in this video and really reflect over my own life and think about why I'm so mother hen all the time. I know its definitely to self sooth.
Anyway, I'm going to stop my own ramble now (haha) and send you love and hugs. You're the best!
yay, a new video!!! hope everyone's having a good day 🤗💖 appreciate you kati
This resonates so much with me and so many other people! I felt like it was only me until watching this this helped so much
It took 5 years of therapy to learn to love myself the way I am. Put my needs first. It changed my life. I no longer feel like I have to take care of everyone. I'm a much happier person now. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your personal journey.
It's really helpful to hear you talk about your things too and work them out. I really resonate with your feelings here and I'm going to try to find things to try to help me now too. Thanks, have a wonderful week too.
Thank you Katie. You're on the right track it seems. 👌
Watching and listening to this video I'm so glad none of my friends I had ever thought I was a people pleaser or a controlling friend but iv been in this uncomfortable horrible situation and experienced a few friends in the past being controlling and being a people pleaser being controlled and feeling controlled is a horrible experience
Oh my goodness, this is me all over. I had learnt to said no to people years ago, but still felt quilty. And because I have always taken care of everything in our family, no one else seems to know how to do much....geeze bad!. But I never realized why I was doing it, this all makes since, since everything makes me nervous. I'm trying to control all around me to feel safe and so no one is mad at me....this rules my life.....and I hate it. I don't want to feel this way any more. I was a very quiet child and my dad was a yeller that made me feel so unsafe. Even though he provided for us well, never hit us. So I always thought there were no reasons for me feeling these ways. I never thought I was controlling, just was trying to help all go well.....now I see what you see. In therapy last year, will have to bring this all up to her. Thank you for sharing this. I have stayed in 2 different marriages for way to long...thinking if I just did the right things they would become a good person and love me the way I needed.
This video is extremely profound for me. You summed up exactly how I’ve been feeling about wanting to stop being so responsible. I never connected the dots on anxiety, responsibility and control. This is so helpful. A huge thank you!!! I wish I could hug you for bringing this to light.
I can connect to this, especially when I was younger.. very thoughtful and well done.
I can relate completely to this. I feel like I am constantly micromanaging myself and others. Looking back my Grandma and Mom are like this too.
Looking forward to watching more videos on this. Partly have to manage or deal with it.
This was really helpful and insightful to watch. Thank you for sharing, Katie! I really love your raw, truthful videos about yourself and the things you are struggling with, (as well as all of your other videos). Wishing you a happy retirement from responsibility!
THX FOr doing this I am trying to explore control as well and I feel it helps to have some language and ppl on the same path is quite exciting
I’ve never had a more relatable conversation! This is me to a T. Scarily spot on and I’m now using these as talking points in my therapy session later today so thank you ❤️
This was VERY relatable! And I like that you mentioned you don’t want kids and it’s most likely because you’re responsible for so much already, and I was like YES!!! I’m also the “mom friend” but I’ve always been against having my own kids and some of my friends still think I’ll change my mind as years go by. No way, I also want to retire from responsibility 😂😂 I already parent my own parent and significant other and help with his son 😅 I joke that I can barely keep myself alive so why would I want to be responsible for a helpless baby hahaha