How to succeed as a step family. A psychologist explains | Psychlopaedia
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 มิ.ย. 2024
- Psychologist James Bray on how to survive the high-stress first year of step parenting and establish a well-adjusted family that works for adults and children.
Learn more about the science of psychology at www.psychlopaedia.org.
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I’m(33m) starting to see a woman who’s divorced with a kid, and as a childless man who grew up in a stressful/awkward divorce, she doesn’t know how stoked I am to not only meet the little guy, but be a healthy, positive, and strong role model for him. I’ve been told by her that it’s hard to find a man that’s willing to take her life on, but I love a challenge. Most of your points are things I’ve experienced, so I feel ready. Thanks for posting this!
Good luck.
Simp loser. No wonder everything is going to shite.
I think it’s wonderful that you are excited. Not all step children are a problem. They need strong people to look up to
@@Wolfmanlj I’m literally taking advice from someone I’ve both never met, or spoke to. I’m reconsidering it based on your honesty. I appreciate your constructive input.
I think it’s great you’re ready. Be ready to be rejected as well. I was in the same boat as you and the daughter has been constantly rejecting me. It’s been tough but I have to stay the course and let time do what it does best.
Listening to this… reminds me how hard & how bad it sucks to be the step parent & being the one giving it all & providing … & still being picked last. It will sound bad to say.. dont ever be a step parent. But that would be my best advice to anyone
I think you have learned.
I agree. That's the best advice; this is my current opinion and maybe if/as things get better, that opinion will change. But that's what I tell my unmarried sibling: don't marry someone with kids.
Agree.
Amen
I 100% agree. Nightmare anxiety and drama.
Yes, you are right. When the mum
Is independent, and the step father is not involved, the kids are very well adjusted but still miss out on that father figure. Especially when they don’t have any other male figure in their lives. It’s very sad when the mother can’t get support with her children from her husband. Just defeats the purpose of marriage, as when his biological kids come
Along, will he be more involved and treat them better than the step kids?
My dad is a super dad, he raised us on his own without support! We are not his biological kids but when our mum passed away, he stepped up and still loves us unconditionally!
He’s a hero and it’s our time to take care of him!!!
Stat show stepfamilies are a nightmare.
@@davidregi7571 We don’t care about stats, they show so many things.
We should act like humans and do the right thing. One day our own may be in the same position, and we’d want someone to live and treat them like humans.
Anyway, I believe in God, and any good or bad we do will be paid accordingly.
Thank you so much for sharing this 🕊
Thank you. Wonderful and insightful. ❤
Thank you so much.
This was well said. And true.
Your so on point
It is so sad that second marriages have such a huge failure rate! We should have learned from our mistakes! Our goal is to change that statistic! Thanks for putting this professional information out there for all of us blended family lifers to learn from!
fuck you
stop promoting blended families
@@klausmikaelson2449 I agree. People are not colors on a artist pallet and to try pretend otherwise is incredibly destructive.
@@Not-Ap parenting psychology in this society became anti child they say put your spouse first. and that's not right. children should come first.
@@Not-Ap thank god someone understands.
@Blended Life do you know what it's like to feel when some stranger kissing and touching your mom. do you know what it's like to live with jealousy,anger for 24 hours? hell you not that's why you promoting blended families and saying spouse comes first. Idiot!
Children comes first if you can't deal with it then don't have kids please
I’m older and childless, have no drama, and will remarry only a childless man as I can’t stand the family drama. No thank you! Peace is precious to me.
What a sad life
Your advice and explanations are excellent and if adhered to can help many people. The adults need always to BE the adults. Marriage and divorce per se are irrelevant to a child's well-being.
It's love and living for the best interest of the children that matters, married, divorced, or remarried.
I definately agree about adults BEing the parent. I think my husband and his ex cater to his child too much. Maybe im wrong but i think spoiling a child actually hurts them. How can they learn responsibility?
I have no idea what to do anymore.
I scream instead daily
I feel ya😩
Iv recently improved things 10 fold by releasing one thing.
It's just not worth it.
Not worth my time money or the headaches.
So after 5 years of caring, nurturing and trying to build a life I told them all to get F#$ked and left.
Best thing iv done .
Make your own family.
@@sproket168 wow really? you gave it all up? if it made you happy then it's good, i will keep trying i guess till i feel i can't anymore like u hehe
Best of luck! :)
@@sproket168 literally down the same thing this week after 6 years . Amazing how I thought I was the only one feeling like thisb
@@leanneparker9991 Fix you first mate.
Get fit and healthy it'll make a massive difference in your life being able to think clearly.
Dont know your situation but if it's bad get out.
Hope it all goes well mate.
Wish I would’ve heard this 7 years ago
Seriously! I should have done some research first :/
Yea I fucked up
Man I’m here 3yrs in at 12am🤦🏿♂️
I just married someone with a kid already. We got married too quickly. I don’t have biological kids. I know I messed up and got married too fast. I want to get out but this is also my first marriage and I made a commitment no matter how fast or stupid. I messed up but don’t know what to do. Would you have gotten out if you could go back?
@@LM-nn7sg as long as you realize you will never be the “bio” so all my be ok!
yes this is what i am dealing with now. my son has his real father and then he has kids. this really is tough. I am very open-minded and try to do what i can for each side. I don't want anything that is defensive. it can be very challenging. you have to do what you can to adjust for kids to be open and understanding. showing empathy is very important and knowing what to say and how to say it.
My boyfriend and I are expecting a baby, we’re super excited. With that being said he has two small children, I really want to be the best step parent I can be, I had a step mother growing up and it was awful!!! I definitely want to be the opposite of everything I had to go through, I just hope I can succeed! I really look forward to us all being a family. As a first time mom and step parent I really don’t know what I’m doing/ signing up for but I’m looking on the bright side of things!!!
Taking notes
How does a step parent not feel like a “ tattle tale” reporting to the other parent?
sounds like a matter of acceptance. acceptance of the circumstance and that you neither have nore are responsible for that child
@@pa1nted It’s easier said than done because there’s no way you’ll live with them and never be put in a position where you’re responsible for them, no matter what amount of time.
Don't report, let the other legal parent TATTLE
Howd this go .. one decade invested
You can't. And worse they then berate you for jt. You hate my kid...blah blah blah
Bonus parenting is no harder than bio parenting. Have been step for over 33 years and bio for 27.
Such great insight for a stepfather with no biological children. I’ve not been the most patient and understanding stepdad feel like I could’ve done a lot better.😢
Last word of advice: Don’t be afraid to “step” out there…. 😂
Thank you so much for this helpful insights. I am living the matriarchalic version and was very unsure, why my partner did not engage in my children´s lives.
That because they are not their kids. They are yours and you will never prioritize the partner over your kids. So why engage? Why want them to waste their time for what isn’t theirs?
It is probably for the best. He is most likely just trying to keep his sanity. Its hard to give your emotions to kids who will not really give anything back to you in the end, because you are not their biological parent. As soon as you use a little bit of authority on them they can give you the cold shoulder, or much worse.
Pair with someone with as much common as you, you have kids, maybe pair with another that has kids, you have no kids, get with a partner with no kids, that’s my best advice, and what ever happens, it’s always hard
Have you been a step father or mother before? If no STFU
I used to have a stepmother and two step siblings. It was awful. We all lived together from when I was 11 years old up until I was about 18. My entire teenage life was ruined.
My step mother would majorly favor her own two children. They basically had no rules while on the other hand I really wasn't even free in my own house.
I remember being a kid. And just literally walking around the house I live in, that MY FATHER bought... he would be gone at work so she'd be in charge. And I remember I would for example maybe walk into one room, and my stepmother would be like "what do you need in here? Get out. There's nothing in here for you" or I'd maybe come downstairs and try to sit on the couch and it would be "her spot" etc... or I'd come downstairs for something to eat and my step sister would ask me "what im doing" as if it's strange for me to get something to eat in my own living space etc... anytime I really did anytbing.. go to open a droor to see what's inside and "hey get out of there, there's nothing in there you need"
They have been gone for about ten years now. And even still it feels like a privilege to come out of my bedroom and do something as simple as just sit on the couch and watch television. Before I would get told that that couch is "her couch" etc etc or something.
That wasn't even the worst part. She played major favoritism toward her kids. They had no rules. They didn't even need to go to school if they didn't want, wheres I was forced no matter what. I remember me and my step brother had to share a bedroom for a while.... my step mother would come wake us up for school every morning. We were two teenage boys so of course it was hard to get us up. Neither of us really moved when she'd wake us. Anyways......she would then say out loud "okay, if you two don't wake up ill take your computer chord" (wich made it so we couldn't use our computer, wich was really my only escape from all this...) anyways... like I said, neither of us would move when she came to woke us...she would then start counting down from three, and apparently if we didn't get up by then, she would take our computer privileges (by taking the chord out) Anyways. Neither of us would move....she'd count down from 3....and then she would ONLY TAKE MINE. Her son would then continue laying there, and id jump up to try begging for my cord back, and he would continue laying there and never even get his taken. Then he would proceed to stay home all day and play on his computer while I went to school and had no computer after. It was insane. I could go on all day and list examples of this woman showing favoritism toward her two kids.
Another thing that would happen is if I ever didn't want to eat the dinner she made, like if I thought it was gross, she would cry and make my father force me to eat it. There were countless nights I'd sit there for hours infront of a plate of food I didn't want, taking small discusting bites until it was gone, while her two children went through no such thing. I rememebr also the other rule was that we had to scrape our plate off in the garbage.... anytime I didn't do it she'd instantly tell me to go back and do it...but I recall plenty of times her son would put his plate back and there would still be food on it, and she would casually get up and scrape it off for him pretending like no one notices the blatant difference in treatment.
Like I said I could go on all day long..... these people completely ruined my teenage years, gave me the worst PTSD my doctor has ever seen, thus ruining a good portion of the rest of my life too.
Another thing that happened.... my step sister was a huge slut. She was having different boys sleep over every weekend etc, there were zero rules. No one said a word to her about anything.. so anyways. There was one nigjt I decided to have my girlfriend sleep over. Of course despite my step sister always doing this, of course it ended up being an issue when I did it.
So long story short, they start screaming some shit at me, and im like 19 at this point, dealt with their shit for so many years, and was so fed up. I exploded, started screaming shit back at them, and they whipped out their phone and instantly dialed 911. They claimed I was coming at them trying to hurt them when in fact I was simply yelling things at them, just like they were yelling at me. Anyways, they pretty much told the police that I was attempting to hurt them, and it didn't help that my father jumped in the way holding me back, because then it really made it look like I was trying to hurt them. When in fact I was just yelling things at them lkke they were with me. Anyways, since it was 3 stories against one, the police took me away. I spent the entire night, naked, in a jail cell with not one bite to eat the entire time. I'm pretty sure it's because they told the police I was "suicidal" so that way they had to take my clothes etc.
So basically. I'm not too big on the whole step parent thing. I think it can go very very wrong. I believe my step mother was jelous of me because I was very fit and in shape and her 2 kids were always fat and sloppy. So I do believe that contributed to them not liking me and wanting to bring me down. Wich it worked.
I am in the role of step-mom. I am a huge psychology fan, I read the studies, textbooks, listen to podcasts, watch documentaries. I focused on Child Psychology.
I knew going into it to be a support to their father, his parenting, that I was to be more along the lines of the kids friend. An ear to listen, give advice, be there to support their growth. That I am not their mother and never will be. They have one, and I had no intentions of intruding. I had a firm grasp that my spouse and I would need time for ourselves also and that no matter what we needed to be a united front. Never badmouth, insult, YadaYada, you all know, be decent people and respectful.
I was NOT prepared. I thought I was walking into a well run family with rules, communication, strong bonds, quality time, teaching moments, loved and well-rounded. Not a good relationship with the ex but a limited contact one that followed their court custody agreement and both parties putting the kids first. Nope. Nope. Not even close.
Wtf am I doing now? Building bonds with these hellions as fast as I can so I can parent them effectively. You know what is next to impossible to accomplish in the first year? That.
I have all the roles. I'm the confidante, rule maker, disciplinary, fun having, teacher, etiquette instructor, nutritionist, role model, evil step-mom, best step-mom, accidentally "mom", go-to for permission/help/fun/unconditional love.
And I have a dog, a cat, and myself to take care of.
I'm in couples counseling with my spouse, trying to get their Mom into co-parenting classes/mediation, get the oldest kid a psych evaluation and therapy. I do not have the skills for all this, nor do I have the energy.
I was not prepared, and can not find material to help or give a semblance of guidance. The book was not written for such a broken family.
Part of me is glad I was the one to step into this family, the other part of me... is exhausted
Oh wow. We are the same person! I feel for you friend.
My adopted step daughter recently told me “my dad” (referring to her bio dad) hurtful at first-then I let it go-sometimes truth hurts!
Great video and info. Things are difficult when you can't fit your new marriage into either the Neo-traditional, Matriarchal or Romantic. Really difficult as the step dad when she "wants" the Neo but there is no parenting plan or urge do do one on her part. Super strong willed mother(matriarchal) wants to do all the parenting but then gets overwhelmed and doesn't know how to ask for help or give up control for help. Wants me to be more involved relationship wise with the step-kids but doesn't understand in a father role there needs to be things in place or movement towards these things for me to want to be more involved. And last but not least certainly unrealistic expectations(Romantic)thinking the step kids and my relationship is going to be a certain way and if it is not its my fault...Not all bad things in our marriage but it is difficult when you can't come together on how things should proceed. I should "just love her kids" and have the relationship with them that she thinks we should have and that will make everything ok. Unfortunately that will not solve all the other issues and leaves out what my thoughts are and what I think my role should be...
You are emotionally mature, many stepfathers aren’t. I remarried and still feel like a single mother, and have to do evrything for my kids!
Sounds like a failing marriage. I'm sorry.
Well, now a year+- later we have evolved almost 100% into the matriarchal. Because of the unrealistic expectations, I’m pretty hands off. Especially, with the two younger early teen girls(13,15) they are doing good. The things that I was trying to instill is happening which is respecting the house, peoples space, rules about slamming doors and half hour showers, etc.. there’s really no other reason to discipline as they’re well behaved. It’s just teaching about courtesy. The largest hurdle now is the early 20s son that has no interests, school online, has work sporadically. He is in the house 23 to 24 hours a day especially if he’s not working. Does not hang out with friends. I can count on one hand how many times in the last year he’s been with friends. no girlfriend, no activities pretty much has the skin color of a vampire no vitamin D from the sun… that being said is really a good young man very respectful, doing well in school but I have huge concerns about the long-term ramification of not socializing not being active not doing the things that really make you a well-rounded young adult. I realize there could be a lot of bad things going on and getting in trouble and drugs, etc. but that’s not how I live my life. I don’t play the to the lowest, you have to push yourself in this life and reach for more and he’s not doing that. I’m not allowed to push so it’s his mothers responsibility and it’s like pulling teeth to get any sort of action to happen.
Really could have done with seeing this ages ago....
Courtesy. Thank you so mubj6
Love evrovon children ❤❤❤
Im Going thru a rough time with my other half because he has 4 kids with him and i have 3 with me. His kids are teenagers mines are 8, 10, 11. he is good with my kids at times but sometimes he acts like a kid. His kids are older and sometimes pick on my kids and he does not see that amd when my kids have enough he sees it and we are always arguing. For example we were in the pool. His son hits my son with the noodle and so my son took it and hit him back. Im watching the play when all i hear is his father defending his son telling him to hit my son harder with the noodle and laughing. I said can u stop that please. They are like brother you cant just defend yours u just have to stop it once and for all. He says "they are just playing" i said well that kind of play will lead to conflicts between us too. And yes my son kicked him in the stomach and here we were arguing over things. I told my son to stop that play of course but his son did not. Until my oldest daughter said to him arent you going to stop your Son, mami already stopped my brother. And he Says why should i stop it and starts laughing. So here i am looking for ways to fix whats broken. But its hard. He always says its me. I just believe he is 41 acting like a 15 yr old
He’s wrong for siding you are a team and should work together. You are a family now and they all need to try and understand each other your husband needs to back you 1000% or else it will always cause arguments
I think all of you are wrong as clearly there are factions your son my son my mom my brother.the language firstly is not correct.the parents here need counseling as often these poor children are placed in very difficult situations.it is so sad that the children through a divorce are dismantled from their nuclear family then dragged into this new family the parents in this new set up again are selfish by not focusing on the children's needs it's all about the parents.its not fair on the children the damage is too much
As a step father myself you’re dating a psychopath leave him no real father would allow that shit he’s a trash person leave his ass
This just sounds like tips on how to softly crash land a plane. If you had it your way you would never be with someone with kids. I get you can make it an easier transition but nobody wants this as their first option. If you say you do you’re lying to yourself.
I live with my step mom and step brothers and sister
And?
To many marriages end for the wrong reasons. The second marriages are often a means of escaping reality and turning back the clock with unreasonable expectations and often selfish ones. I am all for love and people falling in love. Marriage should be a bond that is impossible to break. What love could be stronger than a man and wife in love? People change and that is not a reason for divorce. We are guaranteed to change and we can go through these changed together even if we have our own pace. No one is perfect but we sure can keep a record of wrongs and listen to inlaws and parents and siblings who do not know us as well as our spouses do. Not even close. They also do not know our spouses like we do and will play favorites and speak against the one we love. If we are seeking our mother to back us up in a fight we are in the wrong.
What can we do when we he is coparenting with an abusive bio mom? Abusive and cheated on him more than once, and abuses and neglects the children. Texas is a "mother state" and despite cps being involved, nothing can be done...
abusive bio mom seems to an epidemic. if talk about it you hate women cause feminism always puts women first regardless. biden's going to make it worse. almost feels like gov wants to cripple the public by encouraging crappy home life.
Why to get married second time if there are issues? Live together and if something goes wrong move out. I feel like parents need more coaching than the kids.
🙏🏿
What if you are dating a woman who was raped as a teen (by a stranger who is gone) and healed 99% from that trauma, and the resulting precious child has positive male role models from uncles and grandpa, but no "father" yet? The whole family is very supportive. Would that be super lucky? (not the crime, but the present arrangement)
Yes! Uncles & grandpa, teachers, couch.... I have 3 children with an absent father that are perfect in every way. Fathers are important but you can't make anyone into something they aren't. You just work with what you have & say a lot of prayers.
God bless you all !!
Yes. Positive role models are always helpful
its her problem not mine
I read pretty much unless kids are grown, they only workout 25 percent of the time. Is that right?
No, every kid is different. My kids are very loving and accepting, unfortunately haven’t met any emotionally matured man. My steps dad is more than my biological dad. He raised us alone. We are now grown and know it’s time to take care of him! We’ll never forget what he’s done, and people don’t even know he’s not our biological dad. Imagine a man raising 4 girls on his own, without support form anyone!
@@Zazezoo don't destroy your kids.
Child sex abuse and controlling and beatings are higher in step families too. The step parent will try to break up the child and the bio parent relationship too. Seen it! I was also told i as a previous marriage child am not related so i do not inherit anything my stepparent made sure to exclude me from the will. I am only a half sibling not a full one and i am a stepchild not a real one. It left scares 30 years later.
Wow. That's sad, take heart💜
all sorts of variations. of that theme.
Why would u think u should inherit what the step parent made? I had a step dad from 3 years old. I don't expect any inheritance. Mum's a mess she might get something from gran but mum will use it up pretty quick I'm guessing. Lucky my brother and sister (half siblings though I don't see them as half other then when explaining to others or thinking about possible different in our strengths weakness behaviours) have good jobs and a bit more mentally stable than me so they can look after mum, they knew their dad well, I didn't which is my excuse for not having my act together so far, should make more an effort but I feel like I'm building on sand somehow. Luckily just lots of lectures saying how useless I am, no sexual of physical violence.
@@nikitaw1982 because he and my mother bought a house and had us 3 kids! My mom got to use my child support money and her income, step dad used his own..3 kids but only 2 inherit i even tho i grew up with the half siblings i get nothing the only child excluded and abused. If my mom dies first he gets everything ! Simple because of these steps the biological children of the parents also lose! No prenuptial, no trusts no inheritance for your kid when f someone else! I suffered alot i was the only female and had to get kicked out very young but the boys stayed home until 30, education paid for, cars abd they got married- me kicked out, rented rooms in ppls homes, only female minimum wage jobs and almost died. Blended families are pure ev 1l. Bio siblings have eachother, a half us just a half not a real one mine say!
@@FS02012 I'm so sorry you went through that.your mom did not protect you.I will never let my children be treated like second d class citizen it is all about what the mother accepts.right or wrong what worked for me having two children was making sure I foster a strong relationship between my husband and my children first before me.it was more important for me that my children are comfortable and loved than myself.today the relationship is so solid between my children and my husband that I dont have to flinch when the a discipline issue because o know the foundation is love
Pooling your money together means disinheriting your own kids and having your money go to someone elses children! Fact. My dad remarried after we hit 40 and we lost all our family heirlooms 200 years old items, our inheritance, stepmom changed the will left everything to her own children pawned out heirlooms and threw out all our childhood photos, then she remarried and moved on! We kids were left grieving years later all for what sex?
I feel terrible for you. I am so sorry you went through this
The issue here is your father, not the innocent kids!
Sorry about that. Your dad was very unwise
Would you give up your inheritance for your father's happiness?
@@dnaphysics no
Can anyone please give me advice my brother told me that a video was going around on tiktok of a guy who killed himself with a gun I told him to not show me repeatedly and yet he still did I told my mom and she did nothing but warn him if he did that agien she'll take his phone again and I'm pissed cause I knew it'll traumatize me and now I can't stop thinking about it, my mom could've done something yet she did nothing. my mom always lets big stuff like this pass and I get mad cause that's another reason we're going to court! My bigger sisters and me aren't close and they think it's completely okay I can't be the only one that thinks this is wrong and I'm a teen
Thats so sad, I was just reading through this and that is your moms responsibility to know what is happening on the internet with you kids. I hope you learn that you really need to know who you are marrying when you do if you do consider that in your future considering your young. Take the mistakes and make your own family in the future better from learning from what not to do. You are loved and the truth will prevail 💗❤💔
Coconut Cream honey. I love you❤. You are going to be okay. May the grace of Jesus Christ keep you. Study hard and make something of yourself. I am cheering for you lovey
I hope you learn very quickly that your mom is neglectful and that you must not expect her to protect you as this will leave you repeatedly disappointed.it sounds like your mom is not emotionally available.you cannot force relationships in the family the most important relationship is one with yourself get to know you love you and any other relationship should be secondary.you are correct to have expected your mom to protect you but realize she's not capable and move on
Q: How to succeed as a step family?
A: DON'T!!!
I kindly appreciate your kind gesture Dr Igudia, you have always been able to help me with any kind of health issues, the Herpes is something the world thought it has no cure, but I’m happy to say today that I’ve been cured and I’m happy to have you as my doctor.
The worst position is being a step parent.
There's a higher success rate when the (Father) is the (Biological). Thanks the mom.
The best way to succeed is do not do it
I am currently in a relationship with a woman with a child. I WOULD NEVER RECOMMEND IT!!!
But I already married and made a commitment to the mother and the child.
@@Peculiarimmigrant36 your name is vanessa?
@@profound369 😂😂
Newsflash there’s a lot of successful stuff families that was ignorant for you to say based on your feelings because there’s lotta proven cases where it works out. It’s called having a leap of faith me personally, I don’t believe in marriage, but I had a stepfather. I love my stepfather passed away, and Tamika is my father. I never called him stop I called him dad he was my father, even if my mom and him ever separated, he would always my father one day. They always made clear that all he would always be part of my life and I really believe that because he took care of me since I was a baby he had my mom take care of me. I was a baby so I know plenty of people to have some parents that have a great relationship, so yeah it happens I mean hell your own parents and times are shitty.
@@Peculiarimmigrant36This means nothing. U have one life. Look after YOU
How to succeed best as a stepfamily is to not create one in the first place.
why would you carry someone else's luggage
It didn't matter if my parent (father) was step or biological. They were BOTH bad!
So a teacher has more Authority then. A step parent
What do you mean ?
I don't know why it takes a psychologist to tell people to keep their virginity.
Do you mean to never have sex ever or you mean to wait for marriage if later you must realize that those marriages fail too therefore forces a bonded family
no thank you, that sucks
Brah this shit sounds complicated af😂😂😂😂......
I'm not going to change my life just because my boyfriend knocked some bimbo up. Sorry
Easy, don't become one!
He tries so hard but fails to communicate in basic English.
Write it down and see if it makes sense first.
To many half siblings..
No thanks...