CW for light discussion of my own sexual assault/CSA Navigating MeToo as a trans person is definitely a tricky subject. As a trans woman who was sexually assaulted pretransition, I've had a few people try to say I don't belong in the movement. Luckily most people I've dealt with have been supportive instead. I'm also kinda the outlier as my assault came both at an early age, as well as at the hands of someone who (at the time at least) was afab and cisgender. I know myself and most people I'm close to believe that all men (cis and trans) who are assault survivors have a place in MeToo, as one of the least supported groups is men who have been assaulted. Supporting each other is something I consider vital. The privilege elements of this topic are tricky. I knew since I was very little I wanted to be a girl, and I knew I felt I was supposed to be one in my early teens even. But I was scared and hid that for most of my life. I didn't start coming out until I was 30, and didn't start transition until I was 34. But I've long been uncomfortable around men, scared to walk alone at night, to be alone with guys I didn't know, even before transition. It's even more so now, but it's been a part of me for a long time... Cis people thing this stuff is so simple, but it all affects trans people in so much more complex and difficult to define ways. I'm glad we can at least have this little space to discuss it. And finally (at the end of this novella of a comment) You mentioned women being more cautious around trans men who are cis-passing. That's a delicate subject for women like me, who are trans and not cis-passing, as in addition to invalidating our gender, it's often a major dysphoria trigger as well.
I have had someone attempt to sexually assault me because I am agender. I was at Walmart when an elderly man ask what my gender was because I have a feminine face, and I was wearing clothes that made my body look more masculine. I answered his question honestly. He asked what genitals I had, and I tried to explain that it was an inappropriate question. As I was explaining that, he tried to put his hand down my pants, but I pushed it away. He went to touch my chest, but I again pushed his away. I quickly finished explaining, and I answered his question, so he would stop. That happened three months ago, and I am terrified to enter Walmart and dress in a manner that makes my body appear more masculine.
I don't believe anyone should be excluded. I know cis men who have been drugged, assaulted & raped by women & that is JUST as bad! I think the problem is that most people feel they can dismiss these simply bc most Cis men don't have to, as you said, scan every person in every situation & instantly assess whether or not they are safe. That doesn't make it less hurtful or harmful when it does happen, maybe it's even way worse that you'd expect simply bc they weren't expecting it, they hadn't prepared how to get away or worked out strategies beforehand like a lot of women. Maybe instead of comparing our experiences & pointing out when they aren't identical & assigning value, maybe instead we should all support each other & accept that no person can every know the experience of any other person! We need to stop making about perception & make it about listening, understanding, & not invalidating each other as men or women, or anyone else, then maybe it could stop being about sides, "us against them", & start being about caring for & supporting all people no matter how you perceive them...
I'm glad you talked about this. As an AFAB person who now identifies as genderqueer, but still gets perceived as female like I always have, it bothers me that someone would try to exclude me from #MeToo . Despite not identifying as trans myself, I am still offended by the idea that only cis women and those few perceived "female enough" are supposed to be part of this movement. I'm a person who was touched between the legs as a child by a slightly older boy I thought was my friend, who then asked me to "sniff it" in reference to the finger he poked my genitals with, but *thankfully* a car drove by and he got freaked out enough to leave. He tried to tell me to not tell anyone, and I agreed then immediately told my parents when he left. My dad went over to his house, but his mother used a mental health condition (I believe it was schizophrenia, but I was so young I can't remember) to sweep it under the rug. I've had to live near this person ever since, though I rarely saw him. However, there were issues that cropped up when new people would move into the neighborhood and become friends with both me and him. He also was in a school for special needs, but got placed into my high school for his senior year and it was scary having to hide my face every time I passed him on my way to class that year. Overall terrible, and still just as valid now as it was when I thought I was cis. I was even questioning my gender when I was in high school having to hide from this guy, but the issue still existed
The #MeToo movement isn't saying that all men are guilty of assault. Trans persons are more likely to be assaulted. Thank you for speaking about this, because there is a lot of confusion. I admire your courage, intelligence, and ability to express these difficult topics clearly. Really weird how some folks zero in on the genital thing when they find out you're trans. A major part of rape culture is the constant fear women feel because of those creepy occurrences, and how socially acceptable this seems to be. When we discuss it, it usually ends up with someone saying things like, "Aww... he was just complimenting you; it's not a big deal, you're just being ridiculous; it's not like he raped you." 🙄 I have several experiences with this, but one that sticks out atm is when I was working as a bagger at a grocery store at age 17. This old man bought a pound of hamburger, and requested I carry it out for him. I couldn't refuse, because... customer. He walked behind me the entire way to his car, then gave me a $10 as drool dribbled down his chin. I've discussed this with people, and many respond with things like: I should be thankful for the ten bucks, and just learn how to take a compliment. *tears hair out* Anyway, thank you for discussing this important issue! I'm absolutely loving your channel. Keep up the awesome work! 💖
"Make an attack helicopter joke, don't touch me!" LOL same mood. I laugh at the attack helicopter one, or if they say they are a dragon or something. Low key tho, I do think I am part dragon-kin because I hoard a lot of stuff lol
As a bi (possibly pan?) cis female, I was assaulted by a much older female coworker who literally forced herself on me at my desk, after I'd already rejected her advances. It was not an act of passion or a misguided attempt at flirting. She was pissed off when I'd rejected her, and it was very much an act of violence. This happened just weeks before the Me Too movement took off. A lifelong feminist, I *should have* felt empowered by the movement - but the gender-defined plot it was given made me feel lost. The fact is, it's not about gender; it's about narcissists and the specific people they perceive they can get away with degrading to feel better about themselves. Attackers of various genders and sexes target people of various genders and sexes as their victims. It's just easier for the public to process black & white concepts.
That is incredibly shitty and I'm sorry it happened to you. And I think you're onto something in that the conversation becomes easily diverted to talking about men who are predators instead of the social acceptability of preying on women. My fear of being targeted by men has nothing to do with whether they can physically hurt me (I've met lots of men I could snap in half). It has to do with the likelihood that they will take my (apparent) gender as an excuse to hurt me, or a reason not to feel guilty about doing so. And unfortunately some women (and enbies) will similarly excuse their own violence toward those they think aren't in a position of social power to fight back. And the people lower on that social ladder are...oh wouldn't you know it, usually those perceived as feminine.
I know this is an old video, but I just found your channel and I'm kinda binge watching relatable content and this... this rings so true to me. I've only figured out I was nonbinary sometime last year, and one of the hardest things for me so far is the fact that I no longer identify as a woman in any way, but I can't really let go of this community. I walked the world being perceived and treated as a woman for almost 28 years, and I don't want to be cast away from these discussions now, especially since I haven't even "become a man" At this point in my life, no one would accuse me of speaking over women because I am still greatly perceived as female and misgendered like 98% of the time, so I can technically talk about "female issues" as much as I want, but it feels invalidating to myself that to talk about those things I have to put myself in a position of being a woman, when I am not. This is a big ramble, I'm sorry, I just have a lot of feelings about this and no one to talk to
I’m in a weird position of being a rape survivor and also being a trans man stuck still being viewed as female. I feel like people want me to be vocal in the movement, but I’m afraid that once I transition, my voice won’t be welcomed anymore.
@@MusingMoss This video of yours is too funny. You are willing to back injustice like the MeToo hashtag just to pander to the the girls at your own expense. This is pathetic.
I'm a gender critical feminist and a survivor too. You absolutely have a place in the me too movement in talking about your experience as a survivor. Just because I am skeptical of the idea of using medical transition as a way to deal with dysphoria doesn't mean I don't care for trans people. I don't have to agree with you on every issue to support you 100% in stopping rapists. I'm estranged right now from a trans man friend of mine who was stealth and didn't tell me. I am so sad about this. If it wasn't for male violence, a lot of the issues that concern gender critical feminists like me wouldn't exist. I hope we can at least unite around stopping rapists..For the love of God. I wish you the best in your healing no matter what route you choose to take for that. Exercises to relax the pelvic floor muscles are helping me deal with residual physical trauma from being assaulted..I don't know what can help you. I just thought I would mention bc my doctor originally told me there was no solution to genital pain and I wish someone told me earlier.
Men in general in the MeeToo are ignored. Remember Cory Fieldmen came out for decades and Hollywood basically just told him he was crazy and gaslit his trauma...
I was (sexually assaulted? raped?) when I was about 9 or 10 years old. Yes, before I came out as trans or ever identified as a woman. I'm INCLINED to say it was a case of pedophilia, even if it doesn't fit the technical definition. I say this because the assault was carried out by someone five years older than me. So, while I wasn't even a tween and wouldn't even start puberty for four years (I was a late "bloomer":), the guy who assaulted me was full-swing into puberty, even having facial hair. So... I've kinda been worried about how that may be seen by the larger #MeToo movement, as I did not identify as a woman at the time of the assault. From my perspective, any and all sexual assault victims should be considered entirely valid and supported by the #MeToo movement. I'm not certain if others would see it that way, though.
Thank you so much for talking about this. It gave me a lot of insight into some things I'd been thinking about, that I couldn't quite understand or believe. Trigger Warning: I will be talking about my experiences with childhood sex abuse and emotional abuse from this point onward--please be careful. I already have to deal with so much minimising and gaslighting around my experiences. I'm not remotely exaggerating when I say that my mother tried to tell me that being sexually abused by my brother as a child wasn't traumatising, in the car right after I'd finished telling a psychologist about my experiences for the first time--I had to create this convoluted, extended analogy to explain it to her, which forced me to think about the situation in detail, and re-traumatised me. I'm not kidding in the slightest when I say that I had to explain to her that, yes, having an almost-adult leer at you when you're a child and tell you that they want to have sex with you is in fact traumatising. I'm not making this up--less than a month ago, my mother tried to tell me that I wasn't traumatised at the time (I kind of was; I mean, it was no picnic), therefore, I couldn't be traumatised now (I have a diagnosis of PTSD because of what happened, and she's know about it for at least a year); she tried to tell me that being retroactively traumatised wasn't possible, despite the fact that she could see I was retroactively traumatised--she tried to use an 'gotcha' argument to make my trauma go away! So to have to deal with the pressure to be just like a cis man, right down to having cis-male experiences in my childhood, that's really hard. I feel like, the most accurate way to talk about my experience is to say "I was a 9-year-old girl at the time", but if I say that, I know people will use that against me to prove that I'm not trans. Even if I say "for our intents and purposes, I was a 9-year-old girl at the time", people will still use it against me. I mean, if my abuser who had no respect for my boundaries, my right to consent, or my emotional health, yet didn't see my innate male essence and adjust his abuse accordingly, clearly that means I'm not really a man! But, of course, that's absolute buckpiss, and just having a little affirmation has helped me feel more comfortable with talking about my experiences. I was abused, in part, because I was a 9-year-old girl--that doesn't mean I'm not trans, that doesn't mean I wasn't a boy for as long as I can remember--it just means that people suck, and that context changes the meanings of things. This problem of trans people being viewed as always the gender we are regardless of context definitely needs to be talked about more. It sounds really inclusive and respectful, but there are times when we need to acknowledge that transitioning doesn't magically erase someone's history or even magically make a trans person the same as a cis person. For example, a lot of people think that trans men shouldn't talk about abortion because "They're men!", but the vast majority of trans men can still get pregnant, so it's still our issue. Hopefully we'll get to the point where people are less "all-or-nothing" in terms of gender, where there's less gatekeeping and cis people aren't viewed as some the Standard(TM) of what men and women must be, because it's just a really terrible system for everyone.
Im so happy Ive found your channel... Ive never seen another trans person whos like me before that I could actually Identify with as much, so thank you for putting yourself out there and making videos. I think I really did need to know people like me exist. You rock Kain.
I identify as non-binary and I have had like almost 10 experiences with sexual abuse before the age of 15. Most were online besides a series of incidences that may or may not have happened with a abusive male for multiple years when I was 6 yrs old aprox. The rest were (trigger warning) mastrubation in front of me, getting me to send nudes, and sexual roleplay and to this day I cannot be calm when someone talks about roleplay.
Bonus ASMR at the end. Neat! I just want to share that you do a great job in the videos I watch in having something really useful, important, insightful to share and doing so really well. I'm glad to know someone who does The TH-cam expertly and kicks this level of ass. It's super easy to not share positive feelings, and it's super easy for people to share mean things. So all the more important for me to take a moment and let you know!
Some of this made me feel very sick and very sad and uncomfortable. What I don’t like about the me too movement is it’s very much more focusing on what happened with women and I haven’t seen enough men speaking up. I want men to speak up because men get assaulted too except it’s more quiet that when women are assaulted.
Maybe other cis women don’t care but I do and I absolutely see value in listening the trans ppl talk about their experiences in the world pre and post transition. In a way you have a unique perspective that can inform others of how our perceived gender effects how we move in & experience the world. I do understand that it’s a nuanced conversation and cis gender ppl experience the world differently to trans ppl. BTW two of the many sexual attacks I have experienced were when I was in my room asleep - one by a family friend another by a friend’s uncle. There are no safe men, there are no safe places - and no I’m not saying all men I’m talking about my perception of the world thru my experience of it.
I'm a binary trans man, and like Luxander, I knew I was trans from about 15 but didnt start my transition until 26 or so. I grew up being the only "girl" in a family full of men, and that came with a lot of untoward comments, and actions towards me. It turned into a lot of other things from family and other people as I grew older (there are too many graphic stories to mention here), and it really resonated when Lux mentioned "transitioning to the group that assaulted you", especially in my case because the men that attacked me were all cis men. Every one. It also affected my coming out as gay, because I didnt want to be attracted to a group that would only see me as a woman to attack, to ogle, to dominate over (not in the sexy way). Thank you Luxander, for finally opening up this small corner for trans mascs like me to have a space to share our stories. We are not transitioning to be oppressors, we're just transitioning through trauma to try to be our best selves. If anything else, trans men prove that not all men are monsters.
stopping to comment at 11:55 about the "passive language" that victims use when attacked. The best I think I can do is say "You're attacker was 100% wrong, your clothing or flirtyness cannot cause an attack; the attacker caused the attack. It's all on the bad guy" But often people who are seen as women reply to me, when I say that is, "Well, you're right; however I did have a part to play." If anyone sees this and can give me better words, I'd be very thankful.
I think there's a reflex to take some of the blame, because if we can identify something we did wrong that played a part in our victimization, we want to think if we do that thing differently next time we'll be safe. I still think it's important to place the blame on the perpetrators, and be encouraging toward victims. But the propensity to take on part of the responsibility is, I think, a need to feel in control.
There is a distinct difference between identifying or taking actions that can help reduce the possibility of being assaulted vs bearing responsibility for the assault. The responsibility for an assault lies entirely with the one doing the assaulting. It is smart and often necessary to reflect on ways one could have avoided or mitigated the risk, but that in no way implies or validates the idea that the victim is to blame!
i hate the concept that men cant be rapped too becuse they do women get hurt more but men can get assulted too ik sevrel male freinds who have dealt with rape. i also hate it when people assume people are a girl just becuse they look like one its really anoying im also soo tired of men looking at me in a creepy way i get it all the time
So someone in one of my classes was trying to argue that there is only 2 genders and it was really funny because they knew I was right but didn't want to admit it XD
Hey. I reize that I'm pulling some kind of serious post necromancy by commenting here. I've been aware of your channel for about 6 months now but kind of foumd the non-shitlord side of atheist youtube through contrapoints and only recently worked through enough other content to start following and checking out your content. I love your channel and your thoughts. I have learned a lot. I have a question about your passive language note. I believe everything you've said and written. I'm not intending to in any way question your point, I'm just curious about how it works, and I may be very bad at verbalizing my thoughts here, sorry in advance. I get your point about the passive language; but how does it work out to putting the onus on the victims? I ask because when I hear passive language like that about stuff like this; I hear a trauma victim subconsciously using language to create a buffer from the trauma. Instead of "they did this to me", it becomes "this happened to me." It's a tiny step, but still a step of putting some emotional distance between themselves and the event. But that is bot what it seems like you are describing; and I trust you know better than I do. Am I missing something about how language works or how psychology works? I don't really expect anyone to notice or read a comment on a video from so long ago, but just on the off chance thought I'd ask. Again, love your content and can't wait to be caught up
I know, this video is 2 years old and this is probably irrelevant, but here's my (a cis woman) perspective on the thing. Especially all the "men are x" type of statements. To me they are not literal statements about the behaviour of all men. I mean, of course they aren't, I know many men who are precious wonderful people, who are comfortable and confident in who they are. However they are more statements about toxic masculinity. And as we all know, binary trans people are often especially vulnerable to be drawn to the more toxic parts of their gender that are out there. Which makes sense, bc it does help them pass. And that's definitely something to be on the lookout for as a binary trans person, and (unfortunately) especially a trans man. BUT! being a part of a shitty system doesn't mean the shitty things that system does to people can't happen to you. The post you talked about also makes it sound as though cis men don't get raped. Which is just a flat out wrong statement. The way I see it, #MeToo is a movement against sexual assault. Now the nature of the thing makes it so that it is largely a women's movement. And of course the patriarchy plays into that. This is a conversation that is very much alligned with/ a part of feminism. And what is feminism, my dear children? That's right, the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of all sexes and genders. So of course trans and non-binary people have the right to speak up in this conversation and to be a part of this conversation. It's not "taking away from women's voices" it's adding invaluable perspectives to the conversation that deserve to be heard and should be heard, because if we want to create a better world we should include everyone in that world.
Not *exactly* about the topic, but- as a transmasc enby, it actually makes me feel so awful to know that I can either be classified as a girl, which makes me dysphoric as *hell,* or to be classified as a danger. I mean, it just makes me wish so badly that male spaces would be as safe, and open, and chill with androgyny, as much as female spaces are, because... With the way things are, I feel like I can only safely exist as myself, if I hang out with AFABs and *people who weren't socialized from age zero to be aggressive, gategeepy and exclusionary.* Most of my dysphoria actually comes from the fact that by asking for androgyny, I'm being perceived as a girl and rejected from male spaces, and that by asking to associate myself with masculinity, I'm associating myself with danger, declaring myself unsafe for AFAB folks, and just locking myself in another binary box. And I *know* that one of those things is okay, while the other isn't- but it just makes me feel so awful.
Luxander and other readers, one thing I have noticed is that I need to watch some of your videos a couple of times to really understand. This is not because you are not explaining things well, it comes from me just not understanding the place you are coming from. Does that make sense? I grew up a long time ago knowing I was a gay male. (From like the age of five.) As a teenager I went full into the gay life of the 1970s, yup I am old. I fully understand how it was easy for me to "pass" as being a straight male. (CIS male terminology today right? ) So, unlike some of my other friends who were ... Surviving as ... umm .. Rent-"people" (that is a long story) in places like SF- Polk Street, LA-Santa Monica, etc. and happened to be less ... ... less masculine appearing(?) I rarely had to feel oppressed unless I made a choice to ally with my "people." Hell, that was a painful paragraph, hence the very odd punctuations more so than the unfamiliar or terminology. So I said all that to basically say, thanks again for making me think about how I interact with people. Cheers.
Heya, I appreciate that you're going through and soaking up all the info :) I just wanted to issue a small correction, that "cis" and "straight" aren't interchangeable terms: cis means your internal sense of gender corresponds with the sex you were assigned at birth, so you were right in saying that you were straight-passing. Cis is the etymological Latin opposite of trans, and describes gender rather than sexuality :) Happy learning, and thank you for sharing your experiences
![What Does "Nonbinary" MEAN? // What IS "Nonbinary" Gender? [CC]](/img/n.gif)
CW for light discussion of my own sexual assault/CSA
Navigating MeToo as a trans person is definitely a tricky subject. As a trans woman who was sexually assaulted pretransition, I've had a few people try to say I don't belong in the movement. Luckily most people I've dealt with have been supportive instead. I'm also kinda the outlier as my assault came both at an early age, as well as at the hands of someone who (at the time at least) was afab and cisgender.
I know myself and most people I'm close to believe that all men (cis and trans) who are assault survivors have a place in MeToo, as one of the least supported groups is men who have been assaulted. Supporting each other is something I consider vital.
The privilege elements of this topic are tricky. I knew since I was very little I wanted to be a girl, and I knew I felt I was supposed to be one in my early teens even. But I was scared and hid that for most of my life. I didn't start coming out until I was 30, and didn't start transition until I was 34. But I've long been uncomfortable around men, scared to walk alone at night, to be alone with guys I didn't know, even before transition. It's even more so now, but it's been a part of me for a long time...
Cis people thing this stuff is so simple, but it all affects trans people in so much more complex and difficult to define ways. I'm glad we can at least have this little space to discuss it.
And finally (at the end of this novella of a comment) You mentioned women being more cautious around trans men who are cis-passing. That's a delicate subject for women like me, who are trans and not cis-passing, as in addition to invalidating our gender, it's often a major dysphoria trigger as well.
I have had someone attempt to sexually assault me because I am agender. I was at Walmart when an elderly man ask what my gender was because I have a feminine face, and I was wearing clothes that made my body look more masculine. I answered his question honestly. He asked what genitals I had, and I tried to explain that it was an inappropriate question. As I was explaining that, he tried to put his hand down my pants, but I pushed it away. He went to touch my chest, but I again pushed his away. I quickly finished explaining, and I answered his question, so he would stop. That happened three months ago, and I am terrified to enter Walmart and dress in a manner that makes my body appear more masculine.
I don't believe anyone should be excluded. I know cis men who have been drugged, assaulted & raped by women & that is JUST as bad! I think the problem is that most people feel they can dismiss these simply bc most Cis men don't have to, as you said, scan every person in every situation & instantly assess whether or not they are safe. That doesn't make it less hurtful or harmful when it does happen, maybe it's even way worse that you'd expect simply bc they weren't expecting it, they hadn't prepared how to get away or worked out strategies beforehand like a lot of women. Maybe instead of comparing our experiences & pointing out when they aren't identical & assigning value, maybe instead we should all support each other & accept that no person can every know the experience of any other person! We need to stop making about perception & make it about listening, understanding, & not invalidating each other as men or women, or anyone else, then maybe it could stop being about sides, "us against them", & start being about caring for & supporting all people no matter how you perceive them...
I'm glad you talked about this. As an AFAB person who now identifies as genderqueer, but still gets perceived as female like I always have, it bothers me that someone would try to exclude me from #MeToo . Despite not identifying as trans myself, I am still offended by the idea that only cis women and those few perceived "female enough" are supposed to be part of this movement.
I'm a person who was touched between the legs as a child by a slightly older boy I thought was my friend, who then asked me to "sniff it" in reference to the finger he poked my genitals with, but *thankfully* a car drove by and he got freaked out enough to leave. He tried to tell me to not tell anyone, and I agreed then immediately told my parents when he left. My dad went over to his house, but his mother used a mental health condition (I believe it was schizophrenia, but I was so young I can't remember) to sweep it under the rug. I've had to live near this person ever since, though I rarely saw him. However, there were issues that cropped up when new people would move into the neighborhood and become friends with both me and him. He also was in a school for special needs, but got placed into my high school for his senior year and it was scary having to hide my face every time I passed him on my way to class that year. Overall terrible, and still just as valid now as it was when I thought I was cis. I was even questioning my gender when I was in high school having to hide from this guy, but the issue still existed
The #MeToo movement isn't saying that all men are guilty of assault. Trans persons are more likely to be assaulted. Thank you for speaking about this, because there is a lot of confusion. I admire your courage, intelligence, and ability to express these difficult topics clearly. Really weird how some folks zero in on the genital thing when they find out you're trans. A major part of rape culture is the constant fear women feel because of those creepy occurrences, and how socially acceptable this seems to be. When we discuss it, it usually ends up with someone saying things like, "Aww... he was just complimenting you; it's not a big deal, you're just being ridiculous; it's not like he raped you." 🙄
I have several experiences with this, but one that sticks out atm is when I was working as a bagger at a grocery store at age 17. This old man bought a pound of hamburger, and requested I carry it out for him. I couldn't refuse, because... customer. He walked behind me the entire way to his car, then gave me a $10 as drool dribbled down his chin. I've discussed this with people, and many respond with things like: I should be thankful for the ten bucks, and just learn how to take a compliment. *tears hair out*
Anyway, thank you for discussing this important issue! I'm absolutely loving your channel. Keep up the awesome work! 💖
As a trans man, AFAB, who has been sexually assaulted, this is so difficult for me. Such a long story. Thanks for being so inclusive and kind.
"Make an attack helicopter joke, don't touch me!" LOL same mood. I laugh at the attack helicopter one, or if they say they are a dragon or something. Low key tho, I do think I am part dragon-kin because I hoard a lot of stuff lol
As a bi (possibly pan?) cis female, I was assaulted by a much older female coworker who literally forced herself on me at my desk, after I'd already rejected her advances. It was not an act of passion or a misguided attempt at flirting. She was pissed off when I'd rejected her, and it was very much an act of violence. This happened just weeks before the Me Too movement took off. A lifelong feminist, I *should have* felt empowered by the movement - but the gender-defined plot it was given made me feel lost. The fact is, it's not about gender; it's about narcissists and the specific people they perceive they can get away with degrading to feel better about themselves. Attackers of various genders and sexes target people of various genders and sexes as their victims. It's just easier for the public to process black & white concepts.
That is incredibly shitty and I'm sorry it happened to you. And I think you're onto something in that the conversation becomes easily diverted to talking about men who are predators instead of the social acceptability of preying on women. My fear of being targeted by men has nothing to do with whether they can physically hurt me (I've met lots of men I could snap in half). It has to do with the likelihood that they will take my (apparent) gender as an excuse to hurt me, or a reason not to feel guilty about doing so. And unfortunately some women (and enbies) will similarly excuse their own violence toward those they think aren't in a position of social power to fight back. And the people lower on that social ladder are...oh wouldn't you know it, usually those perceived as feminine.
I know this is an old video, but I just found your channel and I'm kinda binge watching relatable content and this... this rings so true to me.
I've only figured out I was nonbinary sometime last year, and one of the hardest things for me so far is the fact that I no longer identify as a woman in any way, but I can't really let go of this community. I walked the world being perceived and treated as a woman for almost 28 years, and I don't want to be cast away from these discussions now, especially since I haven't even "become a man"
At this point in my life, no one would accuse me of speaking over women because I am still greatly perceived as female and misgendered like 98% of the time, so I can technically talk about "female issues" as much as I want, but it feels invalidating to myself that to talk about those things I have to put myself in a position of being a woman, when I am not.
This is a big ramble, I'm sorry, I just have a lot of feelings about this and no one to talk to
I’m in a weird position of being a rape survivor and also being a trans man stuck still being viewed as female.
I feel like people want me to be vocal in the movement, but I’m afraid that once I transition, my voice won’t be welcomed anymore.
I know how you feel, and I'm sorry
Luxander I appreciate it, thank you.
@@MusingMoss This video of yours is too funny. You are willing to back injustice like the MeToo hashtag just to pander to the the girls at your own expense.
This is pathetic.
@@MusingMoss Here's my video to the young trans man - Boyform - you need to hear this
th-cam.com/video/cBKvhsIVNqE/w-d-xo.html
I'm a gender critical feminist and a survivor too. You absolutely have a place in the me too movement in talking about your experience as a survivor. Just because I am skeptical of the idea of using medical transition as a way to deal with dysphoria doesn't mean I don't care for trans people. I don't have to agree with you on every issue to support you 100% in stopping rapists. I'm estranged right now from a trans man friend of mine who was stealth and didn't tell me. I am so sad about this. If it wasn't for male violence, a lot of the issues that concern gender critical feminists like me wouldn't exist. I hope we can at least unite around stopping rapists..For the love of God. I wish you the best in your healing no matter what route you choose to take for that. Exercises to relax the pelvic floor muscles are helping me deal with residual physical trauma from being assaulted..I don't know what can help you. I just thought I would mention bc my doctor originally told me there was no solution to genital pain and I wish someone told me earlier.
Men in general in the MeeToo are ignored. Remember Cory Fieldmen came out for decades and Hollywood basically just told him he was crazy and gaslit his trauma...
I was (sexually assaulted? raped?) when I was about 9 or 10 years old. Yes, before I came out as trans or ever identified as a woman. I'm INCLINED to say it was a case of pedophilia, even if it doesn't fit the technical definition. I say this because the assault was carried out by someone five years older than me. So, while I wasn't even a tween and wouldn't even start puberty for four years (I was a late "bloomer":), the guy who assaulted me was full-swing into puberty, even having facial hair.
So... I've kinda been worried about how that may be seen by the larger #MeToo movement, as I did not identify as a woman at the time of the assault. From my perspective, any and all sexual assault victims should be considered entirely valid and supported by the #MeToo movement. I'm not certain if others would see it that way, though.
Thank you so much for talking about this. It gave me a lot of insight into some things I'd been thinking about, that I couldn't quite understand or believe.
Trigger Warning: I will be talking about my experiences with childhood sex abuse and emotional abuse from this point onward--please be careful.
I already have to deal with so much minimising and gaslighting around my experiences.
I'm not remotely exaggerating when I say that my mother tried to tell me that being sexually abused by my brother as a child wasn't traumatising, in the car right after I'd finished telling a psychologist about my experiences for the first time--I had to create this convoluted, extended analogy to explain it to her, which forced me to think about the situation in detail, and re-traumatised me. I'm not kidding in the slightest when I say that I had to explain to her that, yes, having an almost-adult leer at you when you're a child and tell you that they want to have sex with you is in fact traumatising. I'm not making this up--less than a month ago, my mother tried to tell me that I wasn't traumatised at the time (I kind of was; I mean, it was no picnic), therefore, I couldn't be traumatised now (I have a diagnosis of PTSD because of what happened, and she's know about it for at least a year); she tried to tell me that being retroactively traumatised wasn't possible, despite the fact that she could see I was retroactively traumatised--she tried to use an 'gotcha' argument to make my trauma go away!
So to have to deal with the pressure to be just like a cis man, right down to having cis-male experiences in my childhood, that's really hard.
I feel like, the most accurate way to talk about my experience is to say "I was a 9-year-old girl at the time", but if I say that, I know people will use that against me to prove that I'm not trans. Even if I say "for our intents and purposes, I was a 9-year-old girl at the time", people will still use it against me. I mean, if my abuser who had no respect for my boundaries, my right to consent, or my emotional health, yet didn't see my innate male essence and adjust his abuse accordingly, clearly that means I'm not really a man! But, of course, that's absolute buckpiss, and just having a little affirmation has helped me feel more comfortable with talking about my experiences. I was abused, in part, because I was a 9-year-old girl--that doesn't mean I'm not trans, that doesn't mean I wasn't a boy for as long as I can remember--it just means that people suck, and that context changes the meanings of things.
This problem of trans people being viewed as always the gender we are regardless of context definitely needs to be talked about more. It sounds really inclusive and respectful, but there are times when we need to acknowledge that transitioning doesn't magically erase someone's history or even magically make a trans person the same as a cis person. For example, a lot of people think that trans men shouldn't talk about abortion because "They're men!", but the vast majority of trans men can still get pregnant, so it's still our issue.
Hopefully we'll get to the point where people are less "all-or-nothing" in terms of gender, where there's less gatekeeping and cis people aren't viewed as some the Standard(TM) of what men and women must be, because it's just a really terrible system for everyone.
#METOO should not have a gender. It should be for everyone that has a SA story experience to tell.
Im so happy Ive found your channel... Ive never seen another trans person whos like me before that I could actually Identify with as much, so thank you for putting yourself out there and making videos. I think I really did need to know people like me exist.
You rock
Kain.
I identify as non-binary and I have had like almost 10 experiences with sexual abuse before the age of 15. Most were online besides a series of incidences that may or may not have happened with a abusive male for multiple years when I was 6 yrs old aprox. The rest were (trigger warning) mastrubation in front of me, getting me to send nudes, and sexual roleplay and to this day I cannot be calm when someone talks about roleplay.
If I am in boy mode and someone catcalls me I try to turn around and just say "bruh" in the deepest voice I can muster.
Bonus ASMR at the end. Neat!
I just want to share that you do a great job in the videos I watch in having something really useful, important, insightful to share and doing so really well. I'm glad to know someone who does The TH-cam expertly and kicks this level of ass. It's super easy to not share positive feelings, and it's super easy for people to share mean things. So all the more important for me to take a moment and let you know!
Some of this made me feel very sick and very sad and uncomfortable. What I don’t like about the me too movement is it’s very much more focusing on what happened with women and I haven’t seen enough men speaking up. I want men to speak up because men get assaulted too except it’s more quiet that when women are assaulted.
Maybe other cis women don’t care but I do and I absolutely see value in listening the trans ppl talk about their experiences in the world pre and post transition. In a way you have a unique perspective that can inform others of how our perceived gender effects how we move in & experience the world. I do understand that it’s a nuanced conversation and cis gender ppl experience the world differently to trans ppl.
BTW two of the many sexual attacks I have experienced were when I was in my room asleep - one by a family friend another by a friend’s uncle. There are no safe men, there are no safe places - and no I’m not saying all men I’m talking about my perception of the world thru my experience of it.
Great video! It so important to discuss all these topics. Your unique perspective adds to the beautiful diversity.
I'm a binary trans man, and like Luxander, I knew I was trans from about 15 but didnt start my transition until 26 or so. I grew up being the only "girl" in a family full of men, and that came with a lot of untoward comments, and actions towards me. It turned into a lot of other things from family and other people as I grew older (there are too many graphic stories to mention here), and it really resonated when Lux mentioned "transitioning to the group that assaulted you", especially in my case because the men that attacked me were all cis men. Every one.
It also affected my coming out as gay, because I didnt want to be attracted to a group that would only see me as a woman to attack, to ogle, to dominate over (not in the sexy way).
Thank you Luxander, for finally opening up this small corner for trans mascs like me to have a space to share our stories. We are not transitioning to be oppressors, we're just transitioning through trauma to try to be our best selves. If anything else, trans men prove that not all men are monsters.
stopping to comment at 11:55 about the "passive language" that victims use when attacked.
The best I think I can do is say "You're attacker was 100% wrong, your clothing or flirtyness cannot cause an attack; the attacker caused the attack. It's all on the bad guy" But often people who are seen as women reply to me, when I say that is, "Well, you're right; however I did have a part to play." If anyone sees this and can give me better words, I'd be very thankful.
I think there's a reflex to take some of the blame, because if we can identify something we did wrong that played a part in our victimization, we want to think if we do that thing differently next time we'll be safe. I still think it's important to place the blame on the perpetrators, and be encouraging toward victims. But the propensity to take on part of the responsibility is, I think, a need to feel in control.
There is a distinct difference between identifying or taking actions that can help reduce the possibility of being assaulted vs bearing responsibility for the assault. The responsibility for an assault lies entirely with the one doing the assaulting. It is smart and often necessary to reflect on ways one could have avoided or mitigated the risk, but that in no way implies or validates the idea that the victim is to blame!
i hate the concept that men cant be rapped too becuse they do women get hurt more but men can get assulted too ik sevrel male freinds who have dealt with rape. i also hate it when people assume people are a girl just becuse they look like one its really anoying im also soo tired of men looking at me in a creepy way i get it all the time
So someone in one of my classes was trying to argue that there is only 2 genders and it was really funny because they knew I was right but didn't want to admit it XD
You deserve more followers! Thank you for educating me 😁
Hey. I reize that I'm pulling some kind of serious post necromancy by commenting here. I've been aware of your channel for about 6 months now but kind of foumd the non-shitlord side of atheist youtube through contrapoints and only recently worked through enough other content to start following and checking out your content. I love your channel and your thoughts. I have learned a lot.
I have a question about your passive language note. I believe everything you've said and written. I'm not intending to in any way question your point, I'm just curious about how it works, and I may be very bad at verbalizing my thoughts here, sorry in advance.
I get your point about the passive language; but how does it work out to putting the onus on the victims? I ask because when I hear passive language like that about stuff like this; I hear a trauma victim subconsciously using language to create a buffer from the trauma. Instead of "they did this to me", it becomes "this happened to me." It's a tiny step, but still a step of putting some emotional distance between themselves and the event.
But that is bot what it seems like you are describing; and I trust you know better than I do. Am I missing something about how language works or how psychology works?
I don't really expect anyone to notice or read a comment on a video from so long ago, but just on the off chance thought I'd ask.
Again, love your content and can't wait to be caught up
good vid have some engagement
Thanks for the wisdom.💖
I know, this video is 2 years old and this is probably irrelevant, but here's my (a cis woman) perspective on the thing. Especially all the "men are x" type of statements. To me they are not literal statements about the behaviour of all men. I mean, of course they aren't, I know many men who are precious wonderful people, who are comfortable and confident in who they are. However they are more statements about toxic masculinity. And as we all know, binary trans people are often especially vulnerable to be drawn to the more toxic parts of their gender that are out there. Which makes sense, bc it does help them pass. And that's definitely something to be on the lookout for as a binary trans person, and (unfortunately) especially a trans man.
BUT! being a part of a shitty system doesn't mean the shitty things that system does to people can't happen to you. The post you talked about also makes it sound as though cis men don't get raped. Which is just a flat out wrong statement. The way I see it, #MeToo is a movement against sexual assault. Now the nature of the thing makes it so that it is largely a women's movement. And of course the patriarchy plays into that. This is a conversation that is very much alligned with/ a part of feminism. And what is feminism, my dear children? That's right, the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of all sexes and genders. So of course trans and non-binary people have the right to speak up in this conversation and to be a part of this conversation. It's not "taking away from women's voices" it's adding invaluable perspectives to the conversation that deserve to be heard and should be heard, because if we want to create a better world we should include everyone in that world.
great video. Wise words
Not *exactly* about the topic, but- as a transmasc enby, it actually makes me feel so awful to know that I can either be classified as a girl, which makes me dysphoric as *hell,* or to be classified as a danger. I mean, it just makes me wish so badly that male spaces would be as safe, and open, and chill with androgyny, as much as female spaces are, because... With the way things are, I feel like I can only safely exist as myself, if I hang out with AFABs and *people who weren't socialized from age zero to be aggressive, gategeepy and exclusionary.* Most of my dysphoria actually comes from the fact that by asking for androgyny, I'm being perceived as a girl and rejected from male spaces, and that by asking to associate myself with masculinity, I'm associating myself with danger, declaring myself unsafe for AFAB folks, and just locking myself in another binary box. And I *know* that one of those things is okay, while the other isn't- but it just makes me feel so awful.
Luxander and other readers, one thing I have noticed is that I need to watch some of your videos a couple of times to really understand. This is not because you are not explaining things well, it comes from me just not understanding the place you are coming from. Does that make sense?
I grew up a long time ago knowing I was a gay male. (From like the age of five.) As a teenager I went full into the gay life of the 1970s, yup I am old. I fully understand how it was easy for me to "pass" as being a straight male. (CIS male terminology today right? ) So, unlike some of my other friends who were ... Surviving as ... umm .. Rent-"people" (that is a long story) in places like SF- Polk Street, LA-Santa Monica, etc. and happened to be less ... ... less masculine appearing(?) I rarely had to feel oppressed unless I made a choice to ally with my "people."
Hell, that was a painful paragraph, hence the very odd punctuations more so than the unfamiliar or terminology.
So I said all that to basically say, thanks again for making me think about how I interact with people. Cheers.
Heya, I appreciate that you're going through and soaking up all the info :) I just wanted to issue a small correction, that "cis" and "straight" aren't interchangeable terms: cis means your internal sense of gender corresponds with the sex you were assigned at birth, so you were right in saying that you were straight-passing. Cis is the etymological Latin opposite of trans, and describes gender rather than sexuality :)
Happy learning, and thank you for sharing your experiences
Start a Transgender #me.too.
I always thought you looked more masculine
unrelated: get with me about the audio. boogie2988 has the exact same issue, but i can actually help you.😁
This video embodies all that I hate