People Who Say "You Just Need to Love Yourself" Don't Understand Trauma
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If you grew up with neglect and abuse, the advice so many people give to "just love yourself" comes off as an impossible command, or even a criticism, making you feel judged. It’s been drilled into us by therapy culture and social media that THIS is our real problem, as if we just failed to know this and now that we've been told, it will all be OK. I'm sure it looks like this from the outside. In my experience, loving yourself is easier said than done. When it comes, it's the RESULT of healing -- not the prerequisite for it. What can you do to work your way toward positive self-regard? In this video, I outline the path.
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“Self-love isn’t the fix that’s needed. It’s the BYPRODUCT of the fix that’s needed.” Amen, sister.
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Honestly, one of the best lines and most important concepts, that I’ve heard in recovery and self development across 20 years!
Why do I feel like she is talking directly to me?
omg, this is so true
Absolutely! Love is a weapon of propaganda to fool you long enough to feel good and fall again the same way😢😭😔. But stay busy and being available is much more productive than hiding in shame 🙂🌅
My father who was verbally and physically abusive as I was growing up later proclaimed my adult life was so troublesome because I hated myself. He was right. He just failed to mention why that was so.
Oof. Or just absent, and spent decades in denial about all of the things that I went through at the other home, and in deep depression, and then drug and alcohol abuse, then recovery. Then horrible, chronic illness, then an abusive relationship with a borderline/NPD woman. Just denying reality ends up being the same as active an intentional gaslighting when you’ve been through the ringer… Even if the person on the other side doesn’t mean it
Sounds like my dad (who also crossed other physical boundaries) telling me I am unstable and ruining my relationships. When I finally met a good guy I married he started bullying him too. Glad that after my mums dead I could let him go and four years later and in my fifties I'm finally healing.
#metoo
Same here :( my father constantly put me down for as long as i can remember. And now he has the audacity to tell me “you have no confidence, its horrible”. I just wanna scream at him🫠
My father always told me I was ugly, useless, worthless and no one would ever have me and the sad thing is that at 58 I still believe him.
It's hard to love yourself when the people who are meant to love you don't. ie close relatives
you ditch them and ignore them if you can't. you don't act happy around them, that's blood in the water. Unless you are very strong then just smile and shake your head. Never raise or lower your energy level to theirs. Never give their negative avenues a highway to roll in on. Do not respond. They may threaten this or that for just merely being you, assertive, and happy. It may really bother them that you're shining in any way. Can't give in and start arguing. Don't even allow it to engage.
I am an attachment based therapist, this episode shows just how deep Anna understands attachment. Love her work. Keep it up Anna ❤
Thank you for your kind words, I'm sure Anna will appreciate this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I think one hard part of self love for people like us is that it’s often TOUGH love that’s needed. We have to do the hard stuff, like recognizing our own self-defeating behaviors and making the changes. Ending relationships that make us miserable. Realizing that we’re not a very good person and starting to become better. Cutting out sugar because it makes us anxious. When people say “love yourself,” they often mean “do frivolous things like eat chocolate, go to a spa, or take a day off.” It’s like yeah, that stuff’s not gonna cut it. We have to make real changes… and it’s really hard work…
🎯
Yes, cutting sugars helps a lot with brain fog & anxiety.
Exactly, solid comment.
LOVE your comment, Kathryn Anne, every bit of it! Couldn't agree with you more, thank you! ❤
Sugar makes one anxious?? 😢I've been addicted to it since I could chew. I am anxiety then
“If you can’t love yourself, start by taking positive actions.” It just needs to be said that taking positive action when you don’t feel like it IS loving yourself in a concrete way, just not the fluffy half-spiritual way people talk about in song lyrics. Love is not a feeling. Love is about stepping up.
This
Or as a song lyric I remember from growing up put it: "Love is a verb."
I DO love myself... That's what folks really seem to miss... How much of our parents' work we had to do for ourselves! Did you have to go to bat for yourself against an entire school district to get the teachers and education you knew you needed at an early age because your parents were too fucked up to do their job? Did you have to change your own diapers? Did you have to find your own food? Did you have to try to get the love and parenting you needed from adults from somewhere outside your home? All we've ever done is LOVE OURSELVES, fight for ourselves, advocate for ourselves and deep down inside we know that is SO WRONG & it makes us angry. I've spent my entire life loving myself. And so have you. Remember that.
Be careful not to confuse survival with love.
Right on, sister. Love is a verb. We, as children, are forced to do for ourselves what no child should ever have to do.
Survival is primal, it is not love. We truly love ourselves when we get past survival mode. When we ask our hearts what they dream about. When we plan for a future starting from nothing, even homeless and alone. We love ourselves when we figure out the meaning of hope. When we feel, when we set boundaries, when we enjoy life for the first time in late adulthood for some of us. When the pain no longer speaks, but hope and gratitude does the talking despite our loses.
@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470
Exactly, Children are taught what love is by experiencing affection, being tended to and comforted. If you don't have those thing's then you eventually figure out what to do in order to fill the missing pieces. Finding food, cleaning yourself off, self soothing, it's all part of survival.
THank you for clarifying that
I was watching a Jennifer Myers video where she responded to a coworkers question about why she has such good self-esteem, and she thought about it a moment and said "in order to have self esteem, i perform esteemable acts." Like she respects herself because she has built up years of evidence that she is respectable by spending those years behaving in accordance with her own values.
This echoes that sentiment nicely. It was a huge eye opener for me!
Thank you for sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy
Great share. When I started my self love journey, that was one of the things I settled on- to love myself would be to act in accordance with my values and to honor what feels good/right to me. Because my childhood required me to compromise my desires and to disregard my likes and dislikes for safety and acceptance. As an adult that looked like me continuing to make compromises and self abandoning for acceptance and to avoid rejection. And it left me having a lot of unrecognized resentment towards myself because I was choosing others over myself and people pleasing, which never actually pleases people so I ended up receiving the rejection that I was trying to avoid anyway. A self perpetuating cycle of shame. So yes, learning to love me was finding out traits and practices I valued and respected and doing them without compromising it anymore to get approval from others or to avoid rejection. And that's been working pretty well 😊
@@UrbanCommentBot thanks for adding! That's very insightful and I wish you the best
@@datroof2262 don't worry, you'll get some someday.
Very nice, I like it!
It amazes me how clueless "normal" people are. The things they say. The platitudes, the quotes from "masters", the punishing tone of their voice, "Loving yourself is the fruit of recovery" (my paraphrase). No wiser words have been said. Thanks so much.
Well said! Astute observation. @@misspeach3755
When people say "you should learn to love yourself" to me I look at them like they are speaking a foreign language.
That's understandable, especially if you've never felt loved or respected.
Learning self respect comes from learning to care for yourself. It's a process, a journey of self discovery and recovery 💙 When you learn to respect yourself first and foremost you'll find your tolerance for disrespect becomes low.
@@casperinsight3524 that is a great way of putting it. ❤
💙
I realized I feel that way about the words "time management" Like what does that mean exactly?? I know it means manage your time but how?! Exactly how am I supposed to know how long things take?! Could be CPTSD, could be ADHD, could be the brain injury... But I'm working on it. 🧡
I know it used to make me mad. I looked at it, it's very condiscending. They have no understanding.
If you’ve been abused as a child, you don’t know how to love yourself and don’t even know what that means. That’s why you need to PRETEND that you’re someone who loves themselves. You ask yourself, “What would a confident woman who loves herself do in this situation?” Then act like the confident woman and NOT yourself. You have to act in ways that are contrary to your traumatic training. Eventually if you keep standing up for yourself and act like you’re confident, you will be confident. Don’t act like you would act. Act like someone who’s never been hurt; act like someone who’d walk away at a moments notice if they were abused. It took me years of doing this before I realized that I did love myself by not destroying myself.
❤❤
Exactly. Even I would say more than confidence, is just simply self-respect.
Well said.
How can you love yourself if you do not know what love is? If you have never experienced love or seen it how can you imitate it?
How can you act confident if you have never seen it or experienced it? When you have been afraid from a very young age, how can you feel anything but fear?
Healing needs to come first along with calming the nervous system and learning new behaviors for dealing with emotional triggers.This is a hard long term process.
@@leonardcasteel6617 I totally agree with you..pretending never fixed anything..
A new age type told me that "you should never even get out of bed in the morning unless you first feel unconditional love for yourself, humanity, and the Universe. It's a choice!!"
Talk about magical thinking! What utter BS! And yes, I've been told a gazillion times that I'd never truly love anyone or be loved unless I were in love with myself first. Both my parents hated themselves, and I loathed myself, but I loved so many people and animals deeply. I felt unworthy of them, but I had loads of love for them!
And no, I don't know what to do.
Mood isn’t a choice, you can choose whether to try and change a mood, but yes, it’s BS and a bit victim blamey to say a bad mood is your fault and that nobody else makes you feel anything. If I make plans with someone and they bail on me, being upset is an appropriate response - whether I express myself to them or not.
My instinctual answer to that was always:"But how??!!"
And even now, I feel it takes a lot of time to figure out how to properly take care of myself. Loving oneself is hard work and requires discipline. Moving, eating healthy, sleeping enough, seeing friends, practicing stuff that is important to me, going to therapy, learning about communication, saying no to the wrong situations, somehow getting it into my thick skull that maybe I deserve to be loved... "You gotta love yourself" turns out to be quiet a complex operation.
Oh boy have I been working through this. 😅
I used to be pretty triggered When people would say "You have to love yourself" I heard it as if they we're saying "You have to love yourself, because no one else is going to" I know now that that is not true. I have a lot of people in my life who love me and I'm so grateful for that. But I do have to keep reminding myself. Its as if I forget or don't feel as if I can trust it. To help me change that I will say small blessings through my day and give thanks for them by name. And thank God for the people in my life.
But its all a work in progress.
I had to come to a place where I was so sick I HAD to take care of myself or I would die. I had to teach myself how to feel what I needed & then to give that to myself. I'm still working on it but I've come a long way. I have daily practices of affirmations, songs that lift me up, mirror work, gratitude, meditation, energy healing, prayer and fun to help me stay connected to myself. Learning to let myself enjoy things and have fun every day no matter what else is happening is really life changing for me. Also seeing that whatever I'm doing I am doing it for me. So If I'm doing my dishes I'm doing that because I want clean dishes. I grew up so afraid & with so much repressed anger. I'm thankful I've been able get through a lot of the things I have. Anna & other TH-cam creators have been so so helpful even life saving. I'm so grateful that we can feel less alone with our symptoms and feel validated that we aren't bad people who deserved the things that happened to us. We are survivors & heroes. I wish you all the best in loving yourself & the life you have now. I know that the successes we all have were hard won. And we deserve to feel the honour & respect of those achievements. So if no one has told you lately I'm proud of you, I am. I am proud of who I am & all of us doing the work to heal & create amazing lives. Bless you ❤
Charlotte, I never understand when people praise me (I’m thinking “for what?) I have difficulty “seeing” how people perceive me. I’m a pretty quiet person who can get animated and chatty when I am very interested in a subject or have an opinion or advice (comparing notes). But I tend to be an Actions speak louder than words” type of person. So I really don’t know how I affect people.
00:00 🧠 Therapy culture often simplifies trauma healing by saying "just love yourself," but healing from childhood PTSD is a complex, deep process beyond a simple switch of self-love.
02:53 🔄 Love for oneself and for others are intertwined; it's possible to deeply love others even when struggling to love oneself. Self-love often grows from caring for others.
04:15 🔍 Extreme self-focus and self-centeredness, often stemming from unhealed trauma, can hinder forming caring relationships, leading to a cycle of reduced self-love.
05:26 🔄 Self-love isn't a standalone fix; it's a byproduct of profound personal change. It emerges when deeper issues are addressed, requiring sustained effort beyond simple affirmations or quick fixes.
06:52 🌟 Conditions for change: Pain, humility, and sustained effort are catalysts for meaningful transformation, breaking away from old patterns and embracing growth.
08:14 💪 Humility, accepting mistakes and strengths, counters shame and opens doors for positive change, fostering a more genuine relationship with oneself and others.
10:42 🛠 Engaging outwardly, caring for others, and embodying kindness contribute to self-approval and self-love, often more effectively than solely focusing on self-love.
13:23 🛡 Developing boundaries while being loving creates a protective force, reducing vulnerability to mistreatment and enabling a healthier, more open-hearted approach to relationships.
Thank you 🖤
Thank you!
Thank you
This resonated loudly with me!
I've always HAYED the saying, "Take care of yourself." Whenever I jabe heard this saying from one person to another, I found it to be so passive aggressive. To me, it's like, "I don't have the capacity to worry, think, or care about you - So you take care of you." Now I know it's because no one ever taught many people how to love themselves.
I hate it, too! And I fell the same about the saying as you do.
Commit to honesty. Honesty in all areas of your life. I can thank a 12-Step program for starting me on this path. Once you taste a life lived in honesty, it becomes difficult to be anything else. Beginning of self love for me.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
The world isn’t ready for my honesty, lol!
I do try to stay honest but society isn’t ready for the honesty of people from abusive and neglectful backgrounds.
I’m trying to walk a fine line between letting other people know I come from this challenging background that not everyone can relate to or even imagine, yet not dump too much negativity on others.
I find it isolating allowing others to believe I come from a normal background and then all their advice and words of wisdom about abusive people in my life becomes meaningless. You would not believe the lengths coworkers and acquaintances will do go to to convince me that a certain narcissist and abusive person (such as my mom) really does love me deep down but simply has a different love language!!
Still struggling with how to get that honesty balance right.
I feel this way about forgiveness, too. Sometimes we hear "we have to forgive to heal," but that's backwards: Forgiveness is the result of healing 🙏
Yes.
Wow, i never thought healing comes first, i will do some reading about that important step to forgiving, thanks😊
8:11 "Humility us a gentle acceptance of reality." Great truth. ❤
Did anyone else’s relationship also end because of your OWN behavior due to cptsd (angry outbursts, dysregulation being abusive, etc)?
I was with a great guy who eventually couldn’t take how I treated him. Now with a lot of work I’ve become a completely different & better person but I find it hard to accept what I lost because of what I did.
I tell myself that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time & I forgive myself. I say it just wasn’t meant to be. I say I’ll find someone new. I fully accept that it’s over & I’m fine without him. There’s still just a deep feeling of remorse because I am responsible for the loss. I’ve never felt this before. It’s my first real regret in life.
I feel like this about 3 men actually 😅 that's tough but the meaning of life according to me is to progress so... We're exactly where we're supposed to be
Most people that I've lost weren't very good people. At the time, I was just jumping through hoops thinking that they were great and it was my fault that they didn't treat me well. I've met a kind man finally and it's a work in progress . Yes, I've been dysregulated at times but I'm improving. I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs. It's so hard ❤️
I am learning throughout my recovery that people will come and go for whatever reason…perhaps because of loss connection, misunderstandings, fill in the blank. I am learning to honor and love myself and accept that people will always come and go, but my Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) is my constant, so I have been putting more time and investment with growing closer to Him. I’m sorry about your loss also. I wonder if it’s harder for people who have grown up with trauma to have these difficulties of letting go? I don’t know for certain, but I send you big hugs. You ARE loved!
@@sophiahace9920 yeah I think it triggers more of the “abandonment wound” for us when a relationship ends. I wrestle between the idea that it’s my fault I pushed him away, & being upset AT him that he “abandoned” me by leaving.
I am also trying to lean into the flow of my life like you said. Surrendering to “gods plan”. Letting go & letting in. You’re right about that, I need to focus on allowing things to just be sometimes & trust that it’s all working out the way it’s supposed to.
Thank u for the support 🫶
@@scarlettjoy9561 this is true. I’ve had a similar situation in the past with relationships & years later I’m embarrassed that I ever thought they were right for me. Maybe in time I’ll see this one that way too. It’s easy look back with rose tinted glasses but the reality is the relationship was far from perfect & I can definitely find better. Congratulations on finding someone. I’m glad you’ve already started your healing journey so you can bring your best self to that relationship instead of sabotaging it.
You are absolutely right--I have CPSTD myself and am writing about this in a faith-oriented book on reclaiming joy after CPTSD. One notion in the book is that the idea of reparenting, which people associate with learning to love the self, actually can only reinforce the idea that no one but you is going to care for you, that you cannot depend on anyone else to heal. I tie that to the idea that if trauma comes from relational experience, it also must be healed in relational experience. We cannot truly reparent ourselves, but must be taught that we are worthy and learn regulatory skills and acceptance through new experiences that serve as a counterweight to what we experienced as kids. We still have to have others model what we never got, and because we're prone to look at the negative, we need a LOT of that modeling and reassurance for it to sink in! Inner child work is only a doorway to understand what to seek and ask for from others, and to better understand other people in empathy.
I don't hate myself anymore.
That's good enough for Me.
Thank you Anna
@WilliamsSmith199
Thank you.
I Know I'm blessed.
You "just need to" or you "should" both sound judgy or critical but self care and self love is a journey of self discovery and recovery that begins with a single step 💙
OMG that phrase alone triggers rage for me! It's not helpful in any way, shape or form. The sound of my own name actually disgusts me, that's how deep my trauma goes. I'm working on my hypervigilance in therapy right now so that I don't "snap" on people for saying stupid crap like that.
Change ur name sweetie. Worked for me, family members changed the meaning of my name to abuse me so I decided to change it. I still get called old name in some professional settings but soon enough all will be changed.
Thank you!! You need others around you, you can’t just be in isolation and get healthy feedback from just yourself! ❤
designbylake, I remember a counselor saying that when people interact, they play off of each other. You don’t know who you are (or where you stand on things, values/beliefs/opinions) until you interact with them and you note your reacts towards them and your feelings about them. Triggers self-evaluation at best or for those a tad less self-aware 😆 evaluation (triggers) of their behavior! 🤪
@@BarbaraM-lv7pe yes that’s a cool point! Sort of bouncing ideas off of one another so to speak :)
Very insightful comment, thanks😊
Self-Love does not fix the trauma during the healing journey. Patience with oneself does with a lot of processing and self-reflection. Self-Love is only the end goal of the healing journey. It builds slowly.
Although I have come LEAPS/BOUNDS from where I came from, after 64 yrs, I STILL don’t declare my love for myself! Every single time I think I can really, truly feel or say those words, I IMMEDIATELY hear these words: “Who do you think you are Young Lady”. “You better get off that high horse, before I knock you off it.” “So you think you’re better than everyone else now, you’re not!!!”. Or the best one ever; Silence….
I disagree that you have to do deep psychological processing and heal your wounds in order to develop self love. I think it takes behavioral changes: you have be kind to yourself. You have to give yourself pleasurable experiences--fun things, comforting things, hobbies, healthy socializing. You have to take care of yourself--healthy food and lifestyle, enough sleep. You have to protect yourself--practice psychological boundaries, don't put up with abuse, don't take physical risks. "Act first and the feelings will follow" is an important maxim that applies here. As you discipline yourself to be kind to yourself, your baseline for what you will tolerate rises and your self-esteem grows.
I agree to a point, but also believe that it's possible it may not be enough. If there are still barriers of any sort you can go through all the motions and have the best intentions but it could still be something more of a to do list and not genuinely blossom deep within. In those situations then psychological processing can be the missing link or remove that barrier so everything you described can take root and grow and flourish
I disagree with you, although you ,mention alot of very important, self care, steps towards self love, you are forgetting that we all have underlying pain, so if we do all the steps you suggested, which are great, no matter how many positive steps we take , we will always carry the pain in our hearts, that is deep in there, and comes out when we least expect it to, and at the most inconvient times. This is me, and i have done all that you mentioned, and i can' t really move forward, until i deal with, and heal with my pain.
Thank you! "You just need to love yourself". Ya know, I kinda do or I'd be dead by now. Maybe my actions and words don't always show it, but man, I've fought hard for myself to survive.
It's so demeaning to be told that I'm not capable of loving another human being, and the solution is people telling me that I need to get a cat. Thanks. I do love cats, lol. So defective that I am incapable of love. It's the most dehumanizing thing a person can say to me.
That is a terrible thing to say to someone, I hope you know it isn't true. You deserve good things and are capable of love :) -Calista@TeamFairy
One of the first steps I took towards self-love was to move very far away from my immediate family. I needed time, distance, and clarity to start the difficult work of healing.
You cant love others until you love yourself, that makes sense from a healing perspective. Because self-abandonement and people-pleasing is a byproduct of no self-love. This is my journey with my healing process and this is what i learned.
"Watching TH-cam videos" made me chuckle out loud. I love your channel. I'm not doing the daily practice with any kind of consistency.
While I don't think of myself as a victim and incapable of being "fixed," I do have difficulty loving myself. I do a lot of self-sabotage. I am going through a divorce, unemployed (unemployment eligibility has not yet been determined), and I'm going through a Christian women's group...I don't know what to call it...oh, and I'm trying to also do Body Groove for exercise. 😂🤪
It’s funny how intellectually and fundamentally we understand all this, but deep deep inside The Monster keeps insisting you stop kidding yourself & know the truth - you’re not worth loving.
I felt that way too though therapy and EMDR have been removing the barriers and somehow have been allowing me to finally be able to internalize and live these healthy beliefs and ways where before I couldn't get to having them translate within me know
I misread "the moster" as "the mother"... Freud is so happy right now
@@whyamIaraccoon😅
AMEN. This beginning part is so validating. Thank you ❤ I went through emotional neglect and a recent therapist told me the same thing. Just love yourself, just stop the negative self talk . Um . okay??
I totally agree with you. I love myself also, and I have spent a lifetime being present, and being a good listener, and being there for everyone, as a person, a therapist, and a professor and mentor. I do agree with what she says that being able to open yourself and love someone often also opens up a piece of one’s heart. That just feels very good and it’s somewhat foreign to me still.
I couldn’t say, “I like myself” much less “I love myself.”
So…
Another aspect is what we perceive as “Love yourself.”
We generally think of “love” as caring for oneself.
But when we have suffered extreme neglect and been abused our definition of caring love is not a healthy one.
When we are trying to redefine our learned dictionary definitions it takes a trusted counselor or friend to help us perceive how distorted our view of self love is.
Our family of origin experiences shape our dictionary definitions in ways that are not always overt and in your face.
It is the background influences in our head that are the toughest to confront.
They show up as a nudge to our internal compass that makes it inaccurate to follow.
Our compass has been useful, we survived.
If it was accurate we would be thriving.
I couldn’t even say, “I like myself” much less, “I love myself.”
I found my choices around relationships were based around my lack of self esteem, self worth, and lack of self love. Considering a professional, successful person never seemed like an option. I chose alcoholics, abusers, liars, and needy, unhealthy people or they chose me. My sister said, "quit giving your power away!" No comprehension of what that meant.
Now I look for the positive in others AND myself. Is that self love? I think it is, and self esteem is definitely part of my wellbeing now. As I respect myself, I can respect others and/or discern what I need. No straying into areas that I do not feel comfortable in. I can be me and be happy. I don't require outside approval to feel loved. Outside attention to feel worth. I love who I am and it feels wonderful.
Thanks for sharing this! -Calista@TeamFairy
That's awesome😊
I almost felt joy while practicing piano this morning. It was just a brief glimmer that quickly faded, but it was something. I could lose myself in music for hours as a teenager. But I was surrounded by people who didn’t appreciate my gifts. Even now as an adult, I find that if I post a clip of me playing something, my “friends”’are silent and never say anything (even though I can see that they viewed the clip multiple times) and it’s only the strangers online who have nice things to say. I’m thinking about creating new social media with a pseudonym just to escape the embarrassment of having to try to prove myself to people who will never like me, no matter what.
I was diagnosed with borderline 10 years ago and it seems like this CPTD is more a problem than borderline which is eye opening. I’ve done 9 months out patient at Yale for DBT which has been extremely helpful, but I find that it doesn’t always help regulate my emotions. This is good advice to add to those other tools. I was only diagnosed with PTSD about 5 years ago and it wasn’t until a few months ago that I even knew about CPTD. Now I’m seeing a therapist that specializes in CPTD with organic therapy. I really need help. I see two therapist every other week and I still feel like I need a abundance of help
Good for you, keep going😊
Can I just just say that you have a calling and you are doing work for the good of the entire collective. You have so beautifully articulated the path of healing that I have been on for the past 4 years and I must agree that it has taken my spirituality and understanding of different perspectives and my own more clear perceptions of them to an entirely different level. You can feel the momentum growing across the board. So many are coming into their power and it's because as we do we share what we are learning we are lighting those around us. No one can convince me that good cannot prevail over evil. I deeply believe in our inherent unlimited potential once we stand in a frequency united in love. Side note why did I feel like you were speaking directly to me at the end of this video?
Been reading about shame. Anna, I love what u said that humility (the acceptance of the reality of yourself) is a POWERFUL antidote !!!!
I have a huge issue with that phrase “love yourself”, what the hell does that even mean. I much rather “respect myself”.
It's so abstract, I don't understand it.
Me: a lifetime of self work, a professor in graduate level mental health and addiction therapies and research, have sought self actualization as long as I can remember.
Re: self-love, Eckert Tolle‘s posits in one of his books thst SELF LOVE as a really kind of a “non-thing.“ He offers that feeling totally neutral toward oneself is the best possible place to be, and that putting pressure on one’s self to self - love, really has no meaning, and creates a lot of nebulous considerations about what that is. I am with him, and I also know from great experience that much of what you posit is very important. I love your work. However, Your stuff on 12 -step programs and self love I don’t find to be accurate. ☮️
In 15 minutes she made more sense to me than 8 hours with my therapist.
Totally agree with this. Idiots say you need to love yourself by simply regurgitating what they’ve heard without fully understanding the concepts of trauma and how it changes the brain & personality. It has nothing to do with loving yourself but learning to unlearn bad paradigms and all the negative things we were told about ourselves. Love & healing all. Glisten, Glisten
At 56 ive never known what/how loving yourself meant!! Still dont & tired of hearing...."u have to love yourself!!!!" ??
THANK YOU ANNA! I'm sooo tired of people saying you have to love yourself first like its something you can do instantly 😊It takes time. Its not magic.
The sad part of my upbringing is that I always felt like the 'black sheep in the family'. Now I realize that was because I was one of the few sane 'normal' non-toxic ones. They were almost all toxic , both sides of my parents family and my parents.
I felt so seen in this video, I couldn't stop crying
We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
this is so true. this is excactly what went through my head as i watched videos on the topic. many who just say you need self love or confidence or self esteem dont understand how deep the childhood neglect and trauma can go since they themselves havent lived it.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
We are taught so many toxic patterns as children and that has a major effect on our choices in relationships as adults. Understanding that you need to retrain your mind is essential. Diving into understanding your trauma and the effects it has on your mental health by seeking helpful information is necessary. Learning about self respect, standards, morals and boundaries is a good foundation for breaking toxic cycles in your mind. If you understand you deserve better then you'll choose better. You'll recognize triggering behaviour and you'll immediately take action to remove the toxic energy from your life and no longer excuse the toxic behaviour. You'll also refuse to settle for less then you deserve in general. When you fully understand that you're worthy of love, respect, loyalty, trust and consistency from other's then you will only choose people who share the same principles. Accomplishing this stage in your healing journey is a major step towards self love 💝
I always tell people who say this to me that if I had to be taught how to walk and talk then why would I just know automatically how to love myself? It doesn't make sense to assume that someone who doesn't love themselves is just refusing to love themselves when they probably have never been taught how to properly love themselves.
It can be distilled down to: You can't love until you can love, doesn't matter whom. And to be able to love you need compassion and understanding first.
My parents were responsible for my childhood, to show me what is right and wrong, and they were too immature themselves. They praised our stoic behavior instead of allowing us to feel our feelings. I am an adult now and I am responsible for me. That was how I changed. I also know that I am not all-knowing and that I have much to learn. Excellent video, as always! Thank you for relating to us and to gently guide us.
Thank you for being a part of our community here. We appreciate you comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
repressing someone's feelings can cause someone to be a sociopath or have aspd...i am glad you survived and healed yourself and get your feelings back
@@Amber-yu2ph Thank you. Blessed be! This channel has helped to save me.
Thank you for posting this Anna. I'm in my early stages of healing, but I am starting to get it. I recently quit smoking and realized that has been a crutch for me and my emotions. I am starting to really feel things and have come to realize how frustrated and angry I am with being in a cycle. It is fueling me to want to change. I am lucky over the last year that I have found a caring, consistent partner which helps as a lot of my trauma comes from men Unfortunaly. I feel bad because he gets the brunt of my bad side sometimes. I really like how you said we cant love ourselves until we love others and those were powerful words to me. I love deeply and no matter how much I have hated myself I was always able to give everything to others...just not the right people.
Thank you for sharing this. We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You’ll never read this Anna but the fact that you’ve experienced trauma and can articulate the pain and suffering that thousands of us are going through seperates you from other channels. Some people are just trained in mental health issues but have never experienced and it comes off like that. Keep up this offering for others.
Anna does read comments and she will probably read yours as well. Thank you for taking the time to share your feedback. We appreciate it a lot!
Nika@TeamFairy
OMG THANK YOU! This is so spot on. I got so caught up in that message, "You can't love anyone till you love yourself" and with all the trauma, addiction and other crap I'd grown up with, that seemed impossible. AND even today, YEARS after I began this journey, I can still fall into that trap.
In my early days of AA I still remember the moment a woman said to me, "Those things you did while drunk are not you. They're simply what you did. That's all." and that resonated with me to my core. FOR ONCE I could separate who I was from what I'd done and start the process of not only forgiving myself but also making amends to those I'd harmed. I couldn't believe such a simple phrase could mean so much to me and have such a huge impact on my life. It didn't excuse bad behavior but it helped me see the difference between who I was and the things I'd done and if I wanted to heal, I had to forgive myself and up to that point, I simply couldn't.
You're so right "Self love is NOT the fix that's needed it's the byproduct of the fix that's needed"! OMG SO GOOD AND SO SPOT ON!!!
This is a good concept. As you express love you can begin to understand what love is. How can you love yourself, when you don't know what it is? I don't think I got a hug from the time I was ten until I was eighteen or nineteen. When you see people recoil from being hugged you don't understand, but I do. I didn't like people touching me. I so want to hug the woman I love when she hurts. I just want to accept her pain, she is so precious to me. I care so much for her. I want to change for her, I don't want to lose her. I want to grow with her as a couple. I've seen her hurt by others, boyfriends, rumors, so-called friends, I want to be her rock.
Human beings are just too much work. Mentally, physically, psychologically, financially, scholarly, relationships, astrologically, somatically, religiously etc. Endless drama and endless learning
Are you referring to yourself, because you are a human and if you are suggesting humans are too much, i would say, you are too selfish and lazy to make any changes to improve your life, and too negative, most likely you are misable, no selfish person was ever happy nor loving, the consequence you will most likely die alone and no one will find your body for some time. Thats horrible
(Edited once for typos)❤❤❤I was a person who needed that self love broken down into information. What did it look like? Sounded like? What would I have to do? When i was told, Do everything good and wholesome and necessary you'd do for someone you love--and do it for yourself too! WOW! I could do it. But i needed reminding. A lot. 12 Step groups helped. ❤ Thank you so much Anna!
Thank you for watching and for your comment. Peace and love!
Nika@TeamFairy
This. I so needed this, I’ve been trying to love myself but after so much abuse/trauma it’s so difficult. And seems like only a small part of it like you’ve said
Thank you for this comprehensive approach to taking the first steps toward healing and uncovering your authentic, loving self. Trust that it is always waiting patiently for you.❤
Thank you Anna. I've heard that all my life and never agreed. It didn't make sense because I knew that I loved others deeply. Eventually I figured the problem was me and I was doing something wrong. It's nice to hear your take on this well meaning but devaluing statement. 💞
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's hard for me to believe that some humans exist who have never experienced trauma.
It's easy for me to believe that some humans are not intelligent enough to understand the complexities of other humans.
Thank you, some of the things you said I have never heard said to me. I am only now understanding that this is what I have been trying to fix within myself without knowing the name. I thought that ptsd and adhd were something that I have, however with your videos and articles on cptsd I understand that it is most likely the cause. I have struggled with alcoholism and self hate I have made huge advances with some of the things you have described. I have started the process for therapy. Thank you again!
Super clear, amazing wisdom!
Great topic here.
As soon as you arrive to your first appointment with a counselor asa child from a broken home, they go on and on about this.
I haven't always been the kindest to myself that's true. But do I hate myself? Absolutely not. It's a cheap band-aid therapists and New Agers can't get enough of.
Anna: Once again: brilliant! I was just reading one of these "love yourself and how to do it" books and I was always like: hah?! It so did not resonate with me at all. I am kind to myself, I have a very good connection to myself and what you said, sounds very reasonable and I so resonate with it. Hardly anyone grows up beeing loved unconditionally. I honestly do not know one person that fits this description. They just hide more easily behind their lies and point the finger at others while saying: you are the problem. Love yourself and everything is fine. I have loved deeply, was of course heartbroken in my life, but learning to see what we all actually go through I can deal with this so much easier now in my life. Selflove comes along with selfcare and being kind to yourself. Yes. But it also always felt and feels good to love other people or animals or maybe even my car. You cannot just look inside. The energy is also on the outside and this is how we also connect to the world. By loving others we also love ourself.
Yes, being told to love yourself is so frustrating. Everything you've said here rings so true❤
ANNA....I'm new....You Rock !!! Thx...God Bless and HUGgzzz!!!
Welcome to the channel! -Calista@TeamFairy
I think love is more than a feeling. It’s action. Acting out love. And I haven’t been able to do that for myself. I neglect myself, by canceling invites and plans, not taking that trip to the store when I’m craving a certain food, not getting to the gym. I have no idea why I don’t feel I’m worth taking care of. But it also makes it hard to do things for other people too. What a mess I am
I feel and act the same way. It's been a gradual change through conscious effort and have to be vigilant. Just making sure I get to eat a good meal as usually give kids more(too much). If I'm not looking after myself as a priority I can't look after them. Very true.
Give yourself permission to be important to you friend. 👍
@@fatherburning358 thank you. It’s so hard. Im
I’m very early in this journey and still going through the grief of realizing how crappy my childhood was!
@pippa212 of course. It is a journey and you have now begun. Things will get better, we survivors promise 👍❤️
@@fatherburning358 ❤️
0:00 intro
5:25 The secret to self love
6:26 The 3 conditions to self love
SUBSCRIBED on Thanksgiving Holiday as I spend it alone❤
Thanksgiving is a good day, and good weekend, to reflect on how you want to change. Sending your love and encouragement!
Thank you for this video! I have had so many people tell me I need to love myself when I have episodes of anxiety and fear. I have a million friends who I love deeply, so thank you for bringing that up as well. 🙂
I just wanna thank you for making me feel better after having a really hard day of battling with myself thank you so much, and I took every word of what you said to heart
You are in the right place.
Nika@TeamFairy
It's so hard to love the person that my alcoholic parents were so mad at all the time. How could I love myself when they were so mad at me and I kept doing and saying things wrong? The nuns at Catholic school didn't like me much either. My first husband as well. I must be unloveable. My inner dialogue most of my life. I'm 68 and healing now and able to love and appreciate myself more and feel gratitude to myself. Healing is possible. Hang in there everyone.
Wow - I can identify with you. I'm from a strict Catholic family - I'm 69 now. And I spent my whole childhood in fear of my parents. I was always being yelled at and told over and over and over - "children should be seen and not heard". I could write a book on the damage done to me by them. Please hang in there. I need to know that people our age can heal too.
This is the episode I needed to hear. Thank you very much 🤗
I'm so glad the video was helpful, we're all sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna it usually takes me 45 min to get through these videos but this one took the better part of three hours, it’s like the information is attacking the isolating structure (narcissism). Thank you so much for all you do!
Thank you!! I have been googling this the past three days with an intense tension headache trying to find a remedy or some type of assistance. You start to grow away from yourself. It's weird.
It's awesome to see that you are including a graphic with your name and title in the opening! Nice touch, Team Fairy 🧚🏼♂️ ✨️
Who else is so fed up with the labels NPD and NPD on people that actually have CPTSD? I was fortunate enough to get an official CPTSD diagnosis earlier this year from a young, well educated psychologist (who honestly said she wasn't equipped to treat it). But the period before that when I was misdiagnosed and treated for something that felt like it was not about me was horrible and it felt like being gaslighted by my therapist.
What does “Loving yourself” really
mean?
(For many who are struggling to make this shift)
Loving yourself is a cause of focusing on being more consciously grateful for the life you have, by “zeroing in” on the wonderful experiences you’ve had. (There are thousands you’ve overlooked)
-what’s transpired in your life (hidden from you by you) is you’ve become a pessimist like your early caretakers. (Their focus on negative circumstances in their life)
It doesn’t matter if those caretakers coached the child (you) to be an optimist. You were unconsciously lead by their example. You became their example.
-to break this programming, you’ve got to become a new character. A character you create. It takes time, it takes a severing of disempowering self-talk. The voices you’re unknowingly “mirroring” from your caretakers. Your parents. Those caretakers you’re mimicking, which was programmed in you, by you, from birth to age 8.
So true! I was just writing about this today. I am loving the synchronicity! Thank you Anna.
I like your definition of humility.
I can not enjoy any feeling if I love myself, I feel I am useful if someone abuse me or love me.
I appreciate your videos very much... Learning self-love is an everyday battle for me but I'm starting to understand what it means.. I had to start with liking myself first. Your videos always resonate with me and you make things make sense. I watch them in between my therapy sessions and they're very helpful. I spent most of my life not getting better with medications and therapy. Thankfully one of my therapists recognized that I needed to heal the trauma first and the rest would fall into place. I started trauma therapy a year ago and I've come farther than I have in 40 years. I didn't know how much trauma was trapped in my body or what that even meant, and over the course of the last year my body has released a lot. Very painful and uncomfortable but it needs to be done. I'm still healing and my trauma therapy is a priority in my life because I want to continue to get better and heal. For me it's like working three full-time jobs 24/7. It's hard but it's worth it to me. I have an amazing therapist who has helped me more than any other ones I have seen. I'm so very grateful for her and the knowledge she shares with me. I understand so much more now and that healing is a journey.
I'm wondering if you would do a video on trapped trauma/ how it manifests in our bodies, and how to release it. Or if you have one already would you direct me to it please? Thank you so much for your videos they are part of my healing process and journey.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We're so glad to hear your healing process is going well! If you'd like to submit your story with a question to Anna for a possible video, feel free to write an Ask The Fairy letter: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
Maybe it's a language or culture thing (as I am not American nor a native English speaker), but it feels like what you refer to as self love is more liking yourself or being happy with who you are, what you do, and what you look like. Imo, one of the main conditions for change is actually self love: if you don't love yourself, you won't feel worthy nor hopeful that the change is possible and will not be motivated to do all the healing work that may be necessary for you to actually like yourself
Non-ego self love.
I've always hated that phrase and the fake people who say it. I've noticed that most of the time the people who say it don't know what it means either and are living VERY self destructive lives.
Telling someone who grew up with no love and telling them to love themselves is like me telling you to taste the color blue. Never gonna happen. Ever.
It has recently felt like there is a me and another me that I should love, but that other me simply isn't there. I don't know if someone can relate with what I'm trying to say
This is only the second video of yours that I’ve watched and this one was more impactful than the last one. I’ve always hated myself (still do) for all the things I do and think and say wrong but I’ve always felt like I don’t deserve to love myself. I have a problem even thinking that God loves me. I’ve been married over 40 years to a great supportive wife who try’s often to tell me that I’m worthy. I just don’t see it. After all these years I just can’t get it into my head that I’m worth anything. Because every time I try and tell myself something good about myself, it’s always yeah but, that wasn’t a big deal, especially compared to all the things I do wrong. I’ve been going to therapy for 25 years and still can’t love myself. I know I’ve got to, and I try. I just can’t
We understand as few others can, you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
When people would say this, I was also like you - so dejected. I had no idea how to love myself - I didn't even understand twhat that meant - and thought that I would always be broken and never find love because of that. I now truly do love myself, it took a long while, but I found that doing the actions of caring for myself and following through on promises I made to myself really helped.
That's wonderful! Thanks for sharing. -Calista@TeamFairy
This video is EVERYTHING !! ❤ thank you, exactly what I needed! I always feel so confused about that « love yourself » concept, I never new what to do to get to that. Thank you for finally breaking it down into tips ❤❤❤
I've never agreed with the "love yourself" thing. It just sounds so conceited to me. I'd rather respect myself and give love to others.
I absolutely love this ! I hate when people say that and I love what you have to say about it.
It's so hard to love yourself (whatever that means) when you've literally spent your entire formative life around narcissists or avoidants or alcoholics. No matter how you show up no matter how much you love no matter how smart or pretty or talented or clever you are you are NEVER enough....at home, in society, in the dating world.
Loving myself most of the time means having zero attachment to all the people who love themselves a little too much or who refuse to show up for me on any kind of regular basis. I'm done being compared, gaslit, ghosted, or flat out abandoned....over and over and over. Believe it or not it's hard to celebrate a person whose suffered all of this...I just look in the mirror and go...ugh. it's ok gf nothing lasts forever...including us. Thank God!
Actually, the relationship that you have with yourself is important and not the byproduct.
You never disappoint! Thank you 🤍
5:25 BRAVO.