Want to Heal from Traumatic Relationships? Stop Having Casual Sex
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 ต.ค. 2021
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People abused and neglected when they were kids often find themselves limited to "casual" relationships -- that are confusing and emotionally devastating. If a solid relationship is what you long for, listen to my advice to a letter writer who believes she's setting boundaries against casual sex. I show her how traumatized thinking is erasing her boundaries and sabotaging her life -- and what she can do to change the pattern.
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The men who are repelled by the no casual sex policy are exactly those who would be weak and irresponsible husbands.
@Furthereast food for thought!
-Cara@TeamFairy
100%
What about controlling?
and would not be faithful
Big yes
A counselor explained to me that casual sex for someone w abandonment issues is like cutting on yourself. You always end up feeling awful bc it’s self harm.
Wow! Professionals being straightforward about that is unheard of in my life. Gold star for that counselor!
Thank you for saying this.
I love that explanation. Thank God I realized this early on and came to conclusion it's not for me. We deserve so much more!
As soon as I understood this I quit having casual sex just like I quit cutting. I won't hurt myself anymore.
is it casual sex if you're always hoping for deeper connection in the back of your head? sounds like its just casual for the guy
Sleeping with him before getting into a relationship is not setting a boundary. If he can sleep with you without being in relationship with you & the only “boundary” here is a promise that this will turn into a relationship is a contradiction to the boundary itself. Your boundaries are supposed to scare men off - the ones who are not meant to be in your life. It is that simple.
Or Her
@@nomadicrecovery1586 Rarely, but yes.
🔥🔥🔥🔥
Love that last part!!
“Your boundaries are supposed to scare men off - the ones who are not meant to be in your life “ 💯💯🫶🏽
You said it all in those last two lines. 💗💗💗
Living with his ex and already comparing her with another women. Immediately starts the gaslighting 🙄
Yes!! 💯 From my own experience, this would've turned into a disaster of a relationship.
Red flags everywhere!
Yep
Yep
Good guys do indeed fall in love before sex. I for one, have the no casual sex rule too. I've only broken that rule once, and it led to a dagger in the heart. My idea of a perfect relationship is being totally committed to each other, and best friends.
I agree
Here’s to me hoping I’ll find someone that way near me.
One of my most self hating moments in my life when I had a short period of casual sex. Not alot. Enough to know it damaged me.
Valuable experience.
💔❤️🩹❤️ It’s really nice to hear someone be open and honest about the damage that casual sex does. Especially a guy. Kudos to you for having the guts to say it out loud. 💪🏼 💪🏼
It’s very traumatic. And after you realize what it’s done to you and you are others in denial it’s really sad
maybe its like cutting or drugs food etc we put the pain into an external thing hoping for relief
I just had this with a friend and messed myself all up. Wish I'd listened to this sooner.
by accepting those emotionally unavailable people in our life, we are basically screaming "I am not committed to myself and my needs".
it is sometimes difficult to say no to sex with someone we really like, but: if I truly love myself, I won't cheat myself, right?
lots of love to you all
Wow this is beautiful, really helpful 🤗
At least you have a choice, the emotionally unavailable women I feel in love with rejected me and slept with an idiot instead, while I lived in the same shared house. I now have cptsd. Women should care about men but they don't
thanks for this.
@@jamesbyrne9312 sorry that happened to you 😔 I hope Anna's videos are as helpful to you as they've been to me. We deserve healing ❤️
@@chelsea2711 thanks I agree.
Sex is a function of intimacy. Meaningless stuff brings in anxiety and depression. We humans seek intimacy and it grows with time. Casual sex is not intimacy and human race has never been so afraid of intimacy ever.
@@Sarablueunicorn is really not a gendered thing, some people get more attached because sex is an act of intimacy and bonded with emotions for them and others don't have that attachment between sex and feelings. Like, aromantic people exist, those don't feel romantic attraction , they can love but in a platonic way. It just depends on how each person is and how they were raised and educated about sex. Because if they were taught that sex is this super important thing that is key to be in a romantic relationship, then they will relate more sex= romance= relationship and commitment. But if a person was raised learning to see sex as just something fun, that won't happen.
@@Sarablueunicorn women don't get attached via sx. If that were true, pr*stitutes would be falling in love with clients constantly. They don't.
@@ashsqx3246 who says they don’t? They’re human first, just like all of us.
@@ashsqx3246Pr0stitudes don’t have real consensual sex with clients, they let themselves get SA’d for money IMO
@@photographylover87 they don't fall in love with every single client they sleep with duh
I ALWAYS engaged in casual sex when i hated myself the most. I've turned into such a "prude" and the stress i used to feel is gone.
I get it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ok, this happens to me too. When I am at war with myself and the inner critic is loud and I am having emotional flashbacks I seek sex for safety, to want to feel wanted and it leaves me in a deep state of despair after. I feel like I will be abandoned forever, and putting in stone even more the belief that I will not have a loving experience in the future
“That’s what women do for each other. They help each other interpret reality.”
I love the way your words give dignity to feelings and concepts that are not often acknowledged. You have a new subscriber✨
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Me too...new subscriber. I'm impressed & thank you.
Same same thank you fairy for being here 💓
As a man, I can say that Anna nailed the dynamics of this situation beautifully. I'm a highly sensitive person with CPTSD and found out through personal experience that I can't have casual sex and, like Anna recommended, I find I need to approach dating VERY slowly to develop a sense of trust and also process my own fear of abandonment and being vulnerable and intimate that come up more often than I'd like to admit. Thank you for helping us sort out the messy business of being human, especially with the intense and often confusing feelings that come from managing CPTSD symptoms!
@@zestygurl I have totally been there! For me it was the low self-esteem and the belief that "they are messed up like me, so they will get me." that started it, but also the current trend of casual sex being socially acceptable (or even encouraged as self-empowerment) that lead me down the road to seeking unhealthy relationships where my emotional needs were not even considered. I'm so glad to hear you've set that boundary for yourself, no matter how hard it can be when you feel lonely or want to be intimate with somebody you may not know well.
I'm a highly sensitive person with CPTSD too. Totally relate with what you're saying. Thank you for sharing.
Are you straight or gay? Right handed or left handed?
@@MelissaMisinco Straight and Left-handed.
Don't seem to meet people who understand this, makes me sad. Perennially single
He was totally manipulating Connie when he said "you're just like my girlfriend, she also is so scared of getting hurt". HE KNEW PERFECTLY that he was hurting his girlfriend by having another relationship (still living with her), and that he was hurting Connie, by using her vulnerability. Thank you for this video, it's amazingly clear and informative.
spot on
Thanks for you thoughts :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
"You and my ex are so scared of getting hurt haha, it's almost like I need to stop hurting people"
@@spicygal8564 But then thinks... "nah..."
Bingo
I've found the general rule of thumb is it takes around 3 months of dating someone for you to each show your true colors to each other. The longer you wait to have sex, the more likely you are to see the real person & you are to show them who are. Remember it's not just them on their best behavior, it's also you presenting your best self. Human nature. Y'all stay blessed!
Yes, great points :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Appreciate the support ❤
Yep! You can definitely tell if someone you thought might be a narcissist is one of they dramatically change after having sex a few times. This happened to me recently. I’m done with dating and casual sex for at least a year to really figure out what I want and how to be solid in myself.
@@Sarablueunicorn Thank you for this information! ❤👍💪
@@Jessicaisfreee Good idea! I'm celibate for at least 12months also. However, for me personally, I don't plan on any more casual sex. If I'm gonna sleep with someone, it'll have to be in a committed relationship. Best of luck to you & much love & blessings your way!
Casual sex is not a thing. Sex is not casual. Ever.
DO NOT compromise on your boundaries, it's not a good guy, it's your everyday narcissist. Run!!!
I wonder if thats true. I think she said it does work for some.
I like the expression "free love isn't love and it isn't free."
@@notaclue822 Relationship with deficiency makes a lot more sense than "friendship with benefits"
Unbelievable timing. I'm so messed up. Haven't been intimate for years and years. Ended up drunk and in bed with a man. I hate myself. Utter self loathing. My CPTSD has destroyed everything in my life. I don't even know who I am. I'm so unlovable. TH-cam saves me. Every time. God bless everyone, please pray for my healing. So alone and suffering.
Hi, I just wanna let you know I've done something similar but I promise it doesn't mean you aren't loveable. You are so worthy of love. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. That's the best way to get through it.
@@Mooniestarry that's so kind. Thank you ❤ means a lot. I'm very screwed up.
@@vanessasouthern1792 I understand that feeling so well. Feeling so messed up inside. We will get through it though. We have awareness though and we're here on this TH-cam channel to get advice and help so that's healing in itself! ❤️
@@Mooniestarry you're so right. I really hope you'll be okay too. I really do. You're such an empath like me. What a world eh? I'm struggling to survive mentally. I have food, shelter, warmth...but its so much more than that isn't it. I just want to be happy and I'm so broken and sad. I don't want anyone on this earth to feel this way. I'd save them all if I could. 😘 you're so kind
@@vanessasouthern1792 I feel the same. I can't stand to see others suffer because I know what it's like. The world needs more empathetic people such as us. I believe it would be a much kinder place. Take care of yourself! 🌻❤️
Thank you so much for this video! People often think I'm "prudish" for warning other women and girls about the harms of casual sex, even though 1) I know *from personal experience* that hookup culture is extremely self-destructive 2) I'm no prude, I just prefer to have good sex 😂
Right on :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes! Young people, especially, think its prudish, even anti feminist to speak against hookup culture.
These children have never experienced
Courtship. Casual sex makes people feel disposable. I know it did me.
I can meet a man and not find him particularly attractive. But his kindness and sense of human can make him more attractive in my eyes. When people treat you well. You see the good in them
@@m.r.e.5731 so true. It's ridiculous. They lie to themselves and tell themselves they're "empowered." But you can lead a horse to water, etc etc.
I think its ridiculous to assume everyone should do things your way. Some people are fine having casual sex ...
She has an anxious attachment style. He has an avoidant attachment style. Their relationship would have been crap whether or not there was a label on it.
Yeah it's not the casual part that's the only issue
Wanting a relationship doesn't mean one has an anxious attachment style. :)
@@inimolend holding onto unavailable people does
I'm reading the book Attached right now!! I agree with your assessment.
@@inimolend literally nothing/no one here said that. You aren't understanding
CCF is 100% right-- good guys who want a solid relationship WILL develop feelings before sex.
I cut out casual sex and within a year found an amazing man who dated me/called me his gf weeks before sex. You can do it!!
Thanks for sharing this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Alright, giving us hope! Thank you! 🙏♥️
Save sex until after marriage!! And keep ur options in dating open to see what your options in husbands are. Remember, you are the one giving him kids. He is auditioning to be a fit father. Not the other way around
Sounds so terrible, but I didn't realise I could say no to men pursuing me, I just fell into scenarios/dating/relationships with them. I wondered why all my partners have been extremely selfish.
My whole life has been a lie of ending up with men I didn't want to be with & not understanding my part in it. I ran from most of these relationships when I felt cornered or deeply unhappy. But all ending up in abusive tramautic experiences which have deeply affected me.
It's taken me to my 50s for it all to click as to why my life has been a long line of a abusive, bizarre traumatic experiences.
I have CPTSD and feel I'm probably Autistic too.
I'm so understand this! Thanks for sharing-it does not sound terrible at all. If you need more help in this area, the Dating & Relationships course speaks to these patterns.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Thanks Cara 😊. Anna & her channel have helped me so much when years in & out of therapy didn't.
BOYFRIENDS, say boyfriends, that's what they were and the dynamic...don't let virtue signaling and society further pressure you into disregulation (which it is).
That's not a way to show support for the gay community.
One thing she may not have emphasized quite enough was-- once you realize you don't want the same thing, you need to *stop hanging out with them* stop texting, etc... Because for one thing, that just leaves the door open for them to push at your boundaries. They aren't going to change their mind (like we hope)... they may back off a little, but their goal of having casual sex with you (and then discarding you), HAD NOT CHANGED. And isn't likly to change. (Read that as won't change rather than getting excited about 1% chance that they might). Staying in contact sends the message that your boundaries are available for negotiation. [If you have to be in contact for other reasons, keep it "professional" and no flirtation or attempts to win them over as a friend. Etc.]
Perfect comment
You're so right it's hard but we have to cut them off
Connie's letter was really thoughtful and a bit brave, even. Hat's off to Connie.
I agree :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
As a gay man, I can tell you that casual sex is pretty much all there is. At 42, I've had only one brief relationship and he insisted it be 100% open. Getting a man to go on a date is almost impossible and casual sex is the only intimacy I get. I could say no to it, but then I'd just be celibate and never experience human contact. The idea of asking guys to have dinner with me before sex is sadly hilarious.
This is so sad, and I promise you, this is NOT all there is. Why just last week... th-cam.com/video/cX693U6Ca9U/w-d-xo.html
damn sorry to hear that
Geeze Louise! I'm sorry to hear that.
I’m a straight woman and I can relate to this too.
@@erin9243 Feels like there should be more doesn't it. Best wishes to you :)
Unfortunately, been there. Got really, really hurt. Suicidal even. Never again. Thank you, Anna, for all that you do for us. You have no idea. Love from Croatia, Europe❤️
I love Croatia! Thanks for being here
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was suicidal too. The pain is really bad won't with giving our bodies to them and they don't even call us.
I was just in a relationship with someone who was living with his ex. He asked me if it was a dealbreaker and I said no. I trusted that it was over. I so wish I had watched this first. Of course he was still involved with her and of course he became conflicted the more involved we became. Ultimately he broke it off with me because he simply couldn’t manage both of us and she was his comfort zone. I feel so stupid. Everyone says I should have known. I did not.
You are not stupid! Glad you are here learning about this condition which has many blind spots!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You're not stupid... living the same situation. Both of us girls just realised what was going on...she kicked him out and we're all picking up the pieces, relationship broken.
Fairy! Why didnt you and you tube and all exist when i was growing up!! I did finally learn how to cook (in my 40s) thanks to you tube and other sites. All the things i did not learn from my lack of parenting (almost total lack due to drugs, mental illness, and early death of parents) sites like youtube and you, and others have taught me. Thanks Anna.
I ask this question (in my head) all the time! I just feel so let down and left out of life often because I'm just NOW learning a lot of basic things my parents didn't teach me. It just makes me so angry and sad sometimes.
Thanks for showing Anna so much support :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm so thankful that you do these TH-cam shows and presentations. Thank-you for taking the time with this lady. And Thank-you for addressing on camera so that we ALL can benefit.
For myself. I'm walking wounded needing to heal. Can't do it and continue living with my husband. It's complex and difficult and terrifying because I don't just have cptsd. I also have the diagnosis of M.E
My energy levels are rock bottom. I'm very creative and want to do many things but when I get the energy to start I either dive in and get everything I think I'm going to need and then look at the pile of information.ation/ tool etc and completely freeze. Or, I manage to start but run out of puff because I'm on my own. I don't have the nack of getting people to ' come to the
party ' , as it were . The ideas are good. Really good. I pretended to be doing a survey in the high street and ask people on a scale of 1-10 how they would rate the proposal;( can't say idea in that context, they'd run a mile from the loony with the clipboard!).
I'd sample about 300-500, ( all my energy could cope with) , expecting the worst but shocked when almost all were indicating between 8 and 10!
I've got the smarts, but not the stamina. Been knocked around by the usual daddy issues, you all know how that goes
Got sick on top of that
3 narcissistic husbands, ( currently trying to leave this last one but very sensitive child involved. Things are under way but it hard), just sapped my creative strength one after the other. I wish you'd been around! The damage just continued right up to date and I e only recently found out that I was sexually abused too.
I'm trying but pretty isolated. I'm making progress but it's so slow. Like walking through thigh deep treacle. Also diagnosed with adhd last year! At 58! And of course the depression. You'd think that's enough wouldn't you. Last August admitted to hospital with epidural abscess. The abscess was wrapped around the actual spinal cord. It was around Mach before they announced the infection was gone.tjat was a lot of antibiotics. I'm walking, which I'm glad about and I'm Ali e, which I'm very glad about as this condition can be fatal . Fought legal battle from hospital bed against a crooked franchise company,( had computer, printer, box files , everything to continue the fight. Husband doesn't even open his own mail. We won but the stress on me was awful and I had a nervous breakdown. And well, right now, the cherry on the cake is tonsillitis! Yup, really.i get it about 4 time a year.
He absolutely said that bit about trust to manipulate her. She's giving a crapper the benefit of the doubt. He shamed her into it with that word salad about trust.
Kim Alone, she should have laughed out loud at his "trust" speech!! 🤣 Bet he has used it before.
I love how you honour the craving for love as the source of casual sex. We are not "promiscuous". And how you assure Connie SHE has the power to write a different story. Thank you for the encouraging words and the clarity! Its tough love delivered with kindness 🙂
You are so welcome. Love is so needed amongst us!
No one ever got what they wanted out of life by settling…. I hope Connie is able to go after what she wants and stop settling for pieces of relationships or kinda sorta relationships. Everyone deserves to be in a committed relationship with no guesswork and no uncertainty… period
Thanks for adding to this conversation!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That's exactly what I did. It made me lonely afterwards.
And I can be lonely just fine without some bad sex to add to the mess
Well said
If you were selling your car, would you say, "I'd like you to pay £500, if you think that's ok?" No, you'd say, "It's £500.", then wait to to be haggled with. Asking the other person if he minds if you keep your boundaries is the same as having none! I understand this place where you get yanked all over the place, because you're constantly taking cues from the other party and asking if what you're doing is alright by them, whilst tacitly saying that if not, you'll adapt. It's about what you, and nobody else but you, wants. Sadly, showing someone you're willing to walk away - and actually walking away if need be - is the most powerful cure and blue litmus test for deadbeats.
@Club Retro Shucks, thanks! 😁
Well put!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you!
Very good point. Don't ask of your boundaries are ok.
I’l never be open to casual sex honestly. As a highly sensitive person with CPTSD and a fearful avoidant attachment style, I bond with people via love and not via sex. I want to build it up gradually.
My body is not for sale, just for lust.
I deserve better then that and only when I know that someone chooses to be with me, only then I will go for that person.
I am getting tired of the hookup culture because my deepest desire is to have someone just for myself.
A companion and buddy to share life with.
@Club Retro Thank you.🙏🏻
Well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm happy that such guys exist
@@lealea6020 And I’m really happy that there are also still girls who are interested in that.
Too many I met are fixed on short term pleasure instead of long term pleasure.
I got so much from this. Its incredibly difficult for me to allow myself to be vulnerable around men, especially men I’d like to date. I’ve found that I use my sexuality as a tactic to lure men but then they only want sex and I get turned off. Its like I’m setting myself up for failure. My social media account has become a page for smut wrapped in comedy which I feel like says something about me that I can’t put my finger on. I’m in this constant state of excitement over a man (who is probably looking for sex only) and then I make up why they don’t want me or find all of the flaws. Idk what I’m doing anymore, this brought up a lot for me and I’ve been crying on and off since I watched.
I can relate hunny hugs xoxo
You can't put a finger on it? If there's anything sexual on your page, even vague/veiled, it will attract the sex-only guys. It's that simple. I've always been pretty conservative and dress modestly (was raised lds) but go out of my way to post only wholesome pics and it really helps weed out the bad guys.
You're looking for attention and sex is a fast sell.
I can't understand why women put sexual looking photos on line. What the heck do you think will happen?? Creep magnet.
I save my smutty clothes for rave festivals. It's lots of fun and for some reason men generally have really great boundaries. Which is confusing but seems to be true. The rest of the time the most skin I show is a tank top.
I really appreciate how you get the point across gently to these people who have been so hurt. You tell the hard truth in a way that helps them feel supported, not lectured.
Thank you for saying so!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Been here far too many times. I figured I thought they loved me if they wanted to have sex with me.. talk about childhood trauma. I've stopped in the last couple years... I've learned to respect myself more and know I'm worth more than casual sex. Thank you 'Connie' for writing this question and Thank You Crappy Childhood Fairy for answering!
And thank you for commenting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think something that was a huge revelation for me is that “getting my power back”… means learning to set boundaries and having the power to remove myself from situations that don’t align with what I want or need. I can only control what I do, I can’t control what anyone else does. For so long I’ve not even been able to trust myself let alone anyone else, Bc I allowed myself to get hurt in these situations. I was better at protecting others and giving advice but I wasn’t able to do those things for myself, until now. It took 42 years to figure it out but hey, better late than never. Thank you for your videos ❤️🔥 I truly appreciate your gift of love!
He told you what he wanted, believe him, and for you, say what you mean and mean what you say.
I am 66, first wave of Feminism, and if I could relive my life I would try and unravel the mess that feeling I had to sleep with every man I dated after 8 weeks. There really was a terrific sense of pressure then, heaven knows what it is like now. I am in a traditional religion now and marriage is the only option! Yes, I still get pulled. Recently I met a man who wanted sex and I told him my position - he ran as if he had met a mad woman. What a relief. My parent's generation did not have sex before marriage because of risk of pregnancy - all my aunts and uncles had life time marriages. I think casual sex is a disaster emotionally. Our bodies are supposed to be 'temples' at least in most world religions . Yes, that is what you are worth whether you are religeous or not.
Amen. The idea of casual sex being 'freeing' couldn't be further from the truth.
Thank you for sharing with us!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@Sarablueunicorn There's a general problem in our society around promiscuity, and you're making it out to be a men's issue. It takes 2 to cheat Taylor. Where are your sources for those claim btw?
Coming from parents who had a life time marriage, I feel compelled to say some marriages shouldn't last a life time. I understand that wasn't your main point. I guess I'm still sensitive about idealizing decade long relationships. I don't know anyone who's been happy in that scenario. I hope some day I meet someone who has. I hope someday I can see long term relationships as good. Or at least that it does work for some people.
um, you can value your beauty and have high esteem for yourself and simultaneously enjoy a normal sex drive. engaging in safe sex for fun and pleasure alone isn't a masculine activity. obviously if it's not what you want there should never be any pressure, but this pervasive implication that women are like, asexual romance gobblers is really kind of offensive
This was such an incredible video 👏🏻 I love how you combine compassion with spot-on advice
Thank you so much!!
Wow ❤️ my favorite TH-camr watching and loving a video I resonated with so highly. Incredible 🙏
yes, she's so good. Thank you for sharing your work for free, Fairy x
Someone I used to have Casual sx with about 4 years ago just came back into my life looking for more, and its at a time when I feel like I am just beginning to turn my life around. Been sober from weed, alcohol, pornography, and caffeine since november, and its january 7th now. I'm in AA twice per week and have enlisted the help of a substance abuse counselor. Also, I enrolled into a welding school so that I can learn this new trade and get a job once and for all. I feel like I want to do it with her, because of how alone I feel and how tantalizing it is. But on some level I just feel that it's not the right thing to do. I am going to the gym 3-4 times per week and I am surrounded by healthy women, ones that perhaps I could have a real relationship with one day. I feel like if I go and do this with her, I am going to be setting myself back and essentially "hamstringing" my ability to go and seek out real caring relationships based on mutual integrity. This is so difficult for me that it makes me actually worried. Its like she's got me rriiight in my weakest spot, and I know what the right thing to do is, but the thought of casual s with her is like a black hole and I can't escape its gravity. I want to tell her that I cannot have this kind of encounter. I really do.
I'm on your side! You have so much going for you. Sometimes if you are able say honestly to another person what's going on, and why you don't want to act on it, it can help break the spell.Thanks for telling us here. I hope you can reach out to good men in AA who will support you in walking the good path.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Update: I told her what was going on and it felt like a big balloon deflating. I was able to do the right thing, it felt like working out a weak shaky muscle for the first time. That's the best analogy I have for how it felt. She understood and respected it. I honestly feel a lot better, there was a rush of joy I felt when I was telling myself "I did it! I did it!" hahaha Thanks CCF for the good advice and what you do.
I feel like that was a universal test to see how serious you were about turning your life around. The timing of this person from 4 years ago, popping in suddenly when you embark on the right path is no coincidence. Congrats on passing the test 🥳
Anna is so clear in her thinking. Her analysis of people and the dynamics of romance is spot on, better than most people without cptsd! How did she do it?!
She makes me think there’s hope for people with cptsd to become even wiser than your average Joe. I have someone close to me with cptsd and Anna gives me hope for them.
💯
Awesome, kind comments for Anna, thank you so much
-Cara@TeamFairy
This video found me while I was contemplating whether or not I want to engage in casual sex. I don't think casual relationships are for me, thank you so much for this video!
I'm glad it helped clarify some things for you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Casual sex is not some trust building activity. Sex wont buy his love.
"Women help each other interpret reality". I never had a friend growing up, and now I'm 45 and I still don't. I figured out I am autistic a couple years ago, and I'm pretty sure my mom is, too. It would explain her being emotionally neglectful and fearful and needing to control. She didn't help me to interpret reality at all, and not knowing boundaries were even a thing, reality has appeared to me as confusing, chaotic hell. I've cut ties with my family. I have no friends. Is it ok to go it alone? God...I feel like I have to ask permission for everything so I don't get in trouble. My childhood really fucked me up. Like, I always had to do my best to appear normal, but it never works and it hurts me so much. I hope someday I can find a way to have a female friend.
@Club Retro This gives me hope! 😄 💛
Sometimes when I think about it, I really can't tell if it was autism or a shutdown response to trauma. Likely it's both. I call it traumautism.
To the right people you are unique and interesting. I like people like you. Capable of zero BS and say what they mean. Just be you and eventually someone will open up to friendship.
@@jp5419 Thanks for the encouragement. I don't read people well, but I am aware of red flags now, and I know what my deal-breakers are, so I do expect good things going forward. 🙂🙃🙂
For whatever it is worth, please know that you are in very good company!
Before meeting my boyfriend, after dropping the ex and figuring out what I wanted and gaining some self love, respect and confidence, when I started looking for someone new, I met a LOT of guys who tried pushing that “no sex” boundary. I’m the past, I wouldn’t withhold it as heavily, but now, if they weren’t interested in getting to know me, I wasn’t going to just jump right in bed with them. I had a few guys tell me they would take me out to dinner first or something and I told them I would rather get to know someone organically, as a friend; see if our personalities are compatible, see if there’s romantic chemistry, THEN we could see about a sexual relationship, if we were both feeling it. There were SO many people who disrespected that, told me someone “like me” would never find that and I should just take whatever I could get, would keep pushing my boundaries until I had to block them, would play like they wanted to actually get to know me and become friends, but since I knew it was for the purpose of sex, I knew they had ulterior motives and I shut that right down, turned away people who seemed too needy and clingy….. Honestly, when I put up my boundaries, I turned away WAY more people than I considered. I became extremely picky, because I was looking for someone that seemed like they would be compatible…. Not someone I’d just be breaking it off with in 3 months… so I was extremely discriminating in my choices. I found my boyfriend and honestly thought he seemed too good to be true. I messaged him first, we immediately hit it off, moved to texting, visited each other about 2 weeks later and both felt the chemistry. We’ve been together since September and he’s amazing. Treats me like a queen, we communicate very well, he’s patient with me in expressing my emotions (I suck at it), he seems to be telling the truth when he says he’s genuinely happy with me (he’s been honest about some pretty difficult things up until this point, so idk why he’d start lying now) and I’m very happy with him. When I think of my future, I can see him and his family in it.
I was today years old when I learned I actually want a serious relationship and should stand my ground in that. Thank you!
I can see now that showing that commitment to myself would allow for a committed relationship. How a partner would be attracted to that because it makes you more trustworthy and safe when it comes to their boundaries if you honour your own :)
Great video! 🙏
Boyfriend/husband - don't let society shortchange yourself on what you want or appropriate gay culture (and traumas)
Oh Honey, Connie, I wish you never felt so low that you "asked if there is an option for dating, if you go ahead and have sex with him first "
That just makes me want to cry that you felt so powerless and willing to do anything to be treated well. To be treated *normally* even..
Please never ever have sex with someone until you can tell, without asking, that he is head over heels in love with you. That way you will have fun dating, making friends, and cherishing yourself. I don't think sex b4 mad love is totally bad, but if you feel you have been deserted many times, then build yourself up by acting like a princess, and holding out for a prince, not a guy living with another woman.
Thanks for the kind feedback :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
But someone with a lot of trauma may not be able to tell, without asking, that the other person is head over heels in love with them. I certainly couldn't, but it really _did seem_ to my damaged heart that he was as head-over-heels for me as I was for him, and that we were best friends, and having a lot of fun dating, and that we cherished each other, had a bright future together etc. But in reality, I was in limerence, and he completely took advantage of me.
I think it comes back to something Fairy said in another video about being wary of your "gut feelings" if you have CPTSD, bc CPTSD shapes your instincts & throws your internal compass off at a young age, such that by the time you enter the dating pool, you are looking for all the wrong things in a partner. It's too late for me in that dept, but I still watch all of these videos to help fix my relationship with myself & to help my kiddo overcome all the attachment & self-esteem problems our toxic relationships caused for him.
@@nataliaturner4845 I'm sorry. I didn't understand this before. When I said you can tell without asking, , I just meant when it was real obvious, but maybe what seems obvious to me wouldn't be so to you and vice versa.
@@Sarablueunicorn Sad to only expect to meet solely the types who will use you. There are so many worthy, kind people with integrity who are looking for a person to share the good life, and be on equal footing when it comes to give and take in a relationship.. I understand that not everyone here may have had good experiences in relationships but they are out there and you will find one if you continue to heal , take care of yourself, and honor yourself, and others in all the new and sound ways which are being revealed daily if one pays attention on this channel. It's easy to be cynical after hurtful experiences. Sadly, a few may even prefer to stay there, down & out, if too tired and damaged to lift one's head and carry on.. I urge you to take the high road, and find the good future that is there for you, using techniques we are learning.
Oh my God I 💯% relate to this! I didn't know I had cptsd or abandonment issues until recently. During my teenage and young 20s I slept around because that was the only way I felt I would be accepted, as on the inside I felt unlovable. Casual sex is NOT the solution guys and girls. Self love is!
Amazingly clear video on a difficult subject 🙏♥️
Glad you think so!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for unpacking the in this women’s interaction with this guy.
I had this issue and one thing helped me...
I let go of the importance of sex and im more into taking things slow. Society has lied to women our whole lives about sex being taboo and sacred for women. Although its an intimate act, it won't change you like you think it will. You are stronger than your sexuality.
As far as taking things slow, it'll show you a man's intentions more easily. It isn't a guarantee, which is why you truly have to face that fear entirely, but it'll protect yourself from feeling hurt. Acceptance will help you feel free.
My Sexual Abuse, Molestation and past hurts make me unavailable emotionally as well...
This video triggered me to watch every single one of your videos. I absolutely have PTSD from early childhood sexual abuse. I was shining so bright and figured to have casual sex for fun, but immediately after that person left, I’ve felt empty and back to square one. I was celibate for 1.5 years during and after COVID. I guess back to square one and no more casual sex.
I'm glad the content is helping, we are behind you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm struggling so much. Always end up used... but it shows me that all I'm looking for is love and safety in someone's else arms. It's so hard to find it in myself. I thought something is really wrong with me with a casual sex... which never made me happy, always got depressed after it and rejected. More lonely than I was before. Now I can clearly see why it is happening and why it's not worth losing my soul in it. Thank you 💕
Glad it helped!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Always hated casual sex. Knew i only did it to be wanted, pressure. Wish i had someone to talk to about my level of self regard and esteen and what was OK in dating. I wanted to just date and things to develop slowly. Did not do that. Oh my. Now i just dont date, but if i did again, friends and real romance first, no sex until i feel completely ok and at home and well respected. I am older now and dating may not even happen.
I think many people who are struggling with self esteem and beliefs from the past don’t believe they are good enough or that it’s possible for them… sometimes this is a deeper, subconscious belief.
Dating slowly over time so someone can show you their actions gives you a much better idea of who someone is and how they will show up ❤️
After being closed down sexually for years, last week a man in the gym came on to me and the dopamine chemical rush was over powering. I was attracted to his attraction to me and a switch went on a fantasy-high. I know that working out is a stimulation so thought not to pursue but this was before my Birthday so he came to my condo for a “drink” then was turned off and refused sex ; first NO ever. He got hurt, but haven’t seen him since. It’s powerful to not follow deeper into a casual quickie then suffer from the abandonment issues. Healing has a lifetime of choices and sex is a trigger to hold for a future alone or single.
There are people (women included) who are chasers or serial monogamists. They say all sorts of things to "get you" and then they dump you after they reach that goal. So, you can't really trust everyone's word. I think the best way to recognize them is the way they push everything to happen super fast.
Oh man, this is a lot. I haven't had sex or anything romantic in almost 2 years and im just getting into dating again. I realized recently things were a lot my fault as far how things turned out with guys but this really helped me see exactly how and now I feel more prepared so thank you. 🙏
I'm glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"I don't think he said this to manipulate me. "
Yes. Yes he did.
SO GLAD you put this out! I say this so often.
A date is nothing more than making a plan for an outing, and people who show up and take accountability are happy to make a date to see you.
Please do more letter readings! This was so helpful!! I could see exact points where all I could have done better.
Many thanks!
This was brilliant.
It speaks to the importance of sponsorship or asking someone else for perspective on social interactions because our thinking and how we perceive others can be so skewed which results in getting hurt. They way you clarified the situation and added perspective was amazing. You would be a great sponsor!
She seems to not believe that guys who will respect her actually exist. She seems to believe she isn't allowed to have her standards.
Kim Sloane, problem is that she *talked* about her boundaries, or rule, but she didn't really have a rule. She just wanted to have standards , however -she said "my rule...."... out loud, then immediately broke it. All she had to do was say No, then smile, be cute, flirt, but find someone better. You don't always have to make it a big sad deal when you say no and then move on because there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Move on and be happy!
@@KaraLey98 no kidding! Somewhere along the way she forgot her rights and her options.
Thank you so much for your "tough love" honesty. So many suffer when they don't understand the truth of what they are doing. Your work is so important and such a blessing and guiding light.
How kind of you. Thank you!
I loved all your thoughts on this situation but particularly the reaction to the "trust 100% first" That's where people lose me too and I feel the same way as you do about it, I'm so grateful to see your reaction and hear your thoughts on that because it makes me feel less alone. Most people when you communicate this will labeled you as "rigid". I have finally learned to be okay with that. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was interesting to hear this discussion between the two parties, because in my experience, people who contact me online, simply cut straight to the chase and ask to meet up specifically for sex. The positive with this is that I can see what their intentions are immediately, but the downside is that I end up never meeting anyone.
I do find it fascinating that there are so many people who are _only_ interested in casual sex. I'm not sure if that's an indictment of our current society or if it's something that has always been the case, but now enabled and exposed by the ubiquity of digital communication.
I respect people who are honest and say what they want. The mind games are obnoxious.
Thank you for so much for being hands on and talking about people's real problems and not just abstract examples. Love your channel! Wishing much love and healing to everyone.
Thank you!
I’ve lived in this reality for too long, I’m ready to change. Who cares if it’s the “coolest” guy, the RIGHT guy is what i’m looking for. Even if it takes years, I’m finally ready and trust myself to find what I’m looking for
Nice work Fairy! This analysis is spot on. You nailed it. Thank you for the work you do!
Thanks so much for supporting the Fairy :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
i think this is the most valuable video i've ever seen so thank you. it's brutally honest but still kind enough and just what people like us need to hear.
I am extremely appreciative of this practical and no frills breakdown of the nuances of attachment, communication, love, and affection. A lot of this "outside perspective" helps when you're growing out of a "starved for love" place but you don't know what nuanced behavior you're communicating with the world, and you don't know what the world is always communicating because of a unhealed, unwhole perspective. TY
Your videos randomly got suggested to me one day and I’ve realized that most of them are so relatable. They’ve given me a lot of insight on things I’ve done in the past and some things I still do. Thank you for all of your work, I feel like things make more sense and I can grow to be a better person because of it. :)
Thank you so much for commenting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Her letter was so well thought out and the fact that she can self reflect on herself like that! Get it Connie! You’re already on the path of healing by noticing these things. 💛
Thank you for encouraging and supporting Connie!
-Cara@TeamFairy
To avoid that situation altogether, we have to learn to say NO to what you don’t want. Yes it may feel awkward at first, or scared because you may feel abandoned if they leave. But that actually weeds out the people who are no good for you.
I'm a college student. My biggest problem with hookup culture is that I feel like when you have casual sex with a man they treat you with less respect than a stranger. Like you're crazy and clingy for not wanting to be treated like a blowup doll.
That sounds about right for at least the past 40 years.
-Cara@TeamFairy
After hearing the letter it reminded me of what John Gray (author of 'Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus' and 60 other books), he speaks soo clearly on this giving sex too soon and how men loose respect for women after they have gotten into the castle, if it was too soon. He talks about slowing down on sex and how men need to feel they 'earned' the reward from thier pursuits (to get into the castle) and he will respect you more. He goes on to say the we are the prize, we shouldn't be easy to get...etc... etc... and it seems so many women are learning how to be confident and ok in allowing the man to come to us, waiting for the right one to come and having positive experiences with men WITHOUT sex being on the table. John talks about dating without seeing the man as 'the one' or the possible one but just having experience with men in a fun and lighthearted way. We often hear what we want to hear and ignore the details or even the clear message! (as in my case recently, I was experiencing limerence). ...I love this journey of healing. Thankyou soo much for passionately and freely pouring this wisdom out to soo many! I have learnt so much and keep telling others about your channel. I met someone the other day who says she follows your videos and gets so much from your content!
what a lovely comment. Thank you!
You’re amazing and you are such a great counselor. Please do not ever stop what you’re doing.
I think your tough love is just what we need.. Thank you 🙏
Thanks so much for being here
-Cara@TeamFairy
If they say, I am not wanting a relationship not looking right now. I like that you say, believe when he says that or he does not want a relationship with you.
Thank you for this 🥺 I really enjoyed listening to your advice and the letter analysis 💯
This makes total sense. Explains how I've been feeling as of late. I've set my own boundary of not being around my friend that I had a sexual experience with. I don't trust myself to not give in. He doesn't want anything with me and it hurts but he wants us to go back to how our friendship was before. I don't know how to get there. Casual sex just always leaves me feeling empty and that's sadly how I'm feeling now. When i talk to him or see him I just feel upset or sad.
Thank you for this, especially for making the point that this gentleman indeed has great communication skills! Exactly. The truth hurts but sure does set us free!
Yes!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is a really thorough and good video. Thank you Connie and to you for making this video.
Absolutely EXCELLENT advice and video, Anna!!!
I reserve time to watch your channel (any type of therapy based things). Its amazing how accurate your responses are to the type of questions we have. I love what you do. It helps a lot. Thank you 💕 🇨🇦
Thank you for being with us!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Now that's some tough love Anna! You're being spot through out this entire vid!🏆🏆🏆
Thanks, lol!
*spot on
You're such a kind person to help people with this stuff 💖 everything you said is absolutely me!
So glad to hear that! I'm glad you're here!
You’re not giving tough love you’re giving genuine real advice! I was afraid you would sugar coat and that would have been unhelpful.I love what you said at 11:50.
Thanks!
What happened was you met a man that was emotionally unavailable with you. He wanted free sex and you were an easy target. Have higher standards and date multiple people.
Thank you so much for validating my feelings - I have some mild childhood PTSD and this has basically explained myself to me. I could never understand how everyone around me would get into stable, committed relationships whilst I seemed completely incapable of it despite that being exactly what I wanted. The issue is I dated those 'casual, laidback' guys that I thought were cool and I was instantly attracted to but emotionally they were absent. That cycle stops now! I have always been bemused as to why casual sex seems so hurtful and unappealing to me and now it all makes sense.
I so relate to that merry-go-round! If you need any more help with this, keep the 'dating and relationships' course in mind courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel the exact same way !!
It's a very complex topic. For me casual sex, in my twenties, has been very meaningful in terms of self development. Freeing myself from moral impositions and freely experiencing my sexuality was very important to me. Looking back it did bring a lot of trauma. But only in small bits that I could swallow.
I think what you should never do,is disregard your feelings and form a casual relationship with someone who you're actually in love with.
And, in all honesty: what if I date someone and invest in the relationship for three months only to then find out, that we don't have sexual chemistry?
yep!! i feel the same. I have lots of kinks do i wanna know upfront. I dated someone, the only person i’ve dated, and we did not have sexual chemistry at all. I had thoughts of cheating, i felt so effing guilty.
I feel the same way. Casual sex liberated me.
Though I decided to be celibate when I started wanting to want a real relationship.
Not having sex makes dating very casual. I can always walk away. But even if I had sex, I can still walk away
Fabulous. I've been acting this boundary but not found the words to express this. This video is a great help.
I did this for several years and I know I was trying to feel “normal “ and desired. “Of course it wasn’t that way, it was not leading into any relationship, and it was dangerous and damaging. Recently I let myself get used for the last two years. Then he found someone else and threw me away. I let him entertain my time because I was needy and lonely.
Thanks for sharing with us, I hope you're on your way to the healing you deserve :)
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
True! True! Truth! Another great video, that everyone should hear! And I love to share with others that really need to hear! Thanks for your service to others!
Thank you so much for supporting the Fairy's work!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are so so so so goooood ! Thank you for everything you do ! You are giving me so many aha moments and helping me soooooo much ! 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Excellent video!! Loved how you really broke it done and great tools given with how to deal in this very common scenerio
Glad you enjoyed it!
I needed to hear this. Thank you 💓
So glad!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This video was very healing for me!! ❤️😘🥰
I live in LA and it seems like everyone here has casual sex as if it’s the norm.
My family’s message to me is they want a relationship with their terms, this is why it felt normal when a guy would say that.
So very grateful to have stumbled upon these videos! Thank you 🌹
You are so fricken awesome!!! Such wisdom! Thank god we have people in the world sharing enlightened views about what we need to do differently and see our behaviour clearly so we can change to a healthier way of relating, yyeeww!! So exciting to see the future I now can have!
You are so welcome!