Seduce Anyone: Attractive Traits Every Woman DESIRES In A Man | Vanessa Van Edwards
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2024
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"Captivate" is more than just the title of her new book, it is the effect that Vanessa Van Edwards has on audiences through her videos, articles, and data-driven insights. Vanessa is a self-described recovering awkward person who went from hiding in the bathroom and avoiding people at parties to literally writing the book on deciphering human behavior.
She founded her own research lab, the Science of People, and has traveled the world as a speaker presenting her findings to prestigious universities, Fortune 500 companies, and media outlets such as The Today Show, The Wall Street Journal, and much more.
Learn from the certified fraud examiner, body language expert, and author as she shares practical insights for decoding human behavior in this episode of Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu.
QUOTES
“I believe that every person has a cipher. They have a set of values that you can solve about them…if you turn it in the right ways.” [8:13]
“If we feel like we can change everything, we also might not optimize for how we are naturally wired.” [20:36]
“The biggest thing that happens with friendships is that they do go stale.” [25:32]
“We can unlearn our helplessness to learn to help ourselves.” [55:26]
“We don’t realize that happiness comes in these very small moments every day.” [55:57]
“Look at your struggle as immersive empathy.” [48:46]
SHOW NOTES:
Vanessa explains what drew her to the science of solving people and why everyone has a cipher. [6:44]
Vanessa provides the keys to understanding yourself or someone else. [10:07]
Tom and Vanessa discuss the gravity of language, personality types, and neuroticism. [13:40]
Vanessa explains why self-soothing is important to balance. [19:00]
Vanessa explores the notion of radical honesty and deconstructs ambivalent relationships. [22:53]
Vanessa reveals the one question to ask that uncovers toxic relationships. [26:50]
Vanessa breaks down why she believes you can smell emotions. [30:58]
Tom and Vanessa discuss leveraging your uniqueness to communicate the right message. [33:54]
Vanessa talks about the personality matrix, radical honesty in relationships, and the resource theory. [39:39]
Vanessa reiterates the importance of self-soothing and emotional versus logistical worries. [49:30]
Tom and Vanessa touch on the link between happiness and learned helplessness. [53:43]
Vanessa shares how she turns small moments of unhappiness into gratitude totems. [57:30]
Vanessa defines the impact that she wants to have on the world. [59:28]
BOOKS/COURSES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People - amzn.to/2vbOxox [1:54]
Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You - amzn.to/2f2QYUi [15:28]
The Power of Happiness Course - bit.ly/2gVfyqr [55:38]
PEOPLE
Sam Gosling - bit.ly/2gThqjy [15:25]
Martin Seligman - bit.ly/2vz8x27 [54:14]
FOLLOW VANESSA:
FACEBOOK: bit.ly/2tQoA9n
INSTAGRAM: bit.ly/2uM1oxi
TWITTER: bit.ly/2uMmn34
LINKEDIN: bit.ly/2vwrbrj
WEBSITE: bit.ly/1mfaup9
TH-cam: bit.ly/2uLGzTb
IMPACT THEORY MERCHANDISE: Check out Impact Theory's Merch Shop: bit.ly/ImpactTheoryShop
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What about introverts that feel awkward mostly in situations where interactions seem artificial? They don't like to engage in fake small talk
@@jesseperez4185 That's one path, a little harder to travel for autistic people and the like, but "do-able" if the desire/ drive is strong enough.
Another, less traveled, road is that of peaceful solitude, taught by one of Owen's mentors, in Eckhart Tolle and his teachings on being present to oneself and/or learning to sense the wants/ needs of the deeper "spirit".
I'm inclined to believe that strong introverts and autistic people, who aren't too far along the spectrum as to be "non-functioning", are actually quite blessed, in the sense that they're wired to have an easier time treading the latter path that I mentioned. I think we're conditioned by society to believe that you're a failure if you don't have a lot of friends or an easy time making friends, but that's only one perspective, and a very myopic one at that, at least IMO.
Spiritual goals always trump material goals, IMO. For example, the goal to be generally at peace trumps the goal of having a big social circle and a high level of "game" in the dating scene, which just so happens to have the same underlying goal if you dig a bit deeper into it - it's only a less direct path (the latter one of seeking peace materially) that's more prone to errors and suffering along the way.
YES!
That's exactly how I feel.
What's helped me is to focus on my interests. I didn't realize I was projecting a lot of heavy emotions onto people I just met and they don't know what to do with such personal information before an intimacy has formed. Not every person wants intimacy either so I have to respect people's boundaries. I think I'm getting better at realizing when I'm oversharing now but I'm a work in progress.
But yeah... I have the same problem. I crave intimacy but feel like I project it onto people. I don't know how to form it.
Man, every time she smiles I find my self smiling too.
What a charismatic woman! Awesome!
And what I love most is that she's trained herself to be that way!
Nate Ivgn I found myself smiling too when she smiles. I actually looked through the comments to see if anyone else was doing the same. She is so charismatic.
Trista
Nate Ivgn
Yes so true ♡ I couldn't agree more
And the hand gestures are so rhythmic as she explains.
Tom is a fantastic interviewer. He doesn’t let her skate over anything without explanation and clarification bringing so much more meaning and validity to her statements. She clearly knows what she’s talking about because she had a concise and coherent answer for everything. Very impressive interview all round 👏
Totally true, he is amazing.
He's obviously smart but I'm starting to wonder if he can make one comment without mentioning his wife. I get it but damn I could only last 20 min. Wife wife wife wife. Wow
He read the books before hand on every interview he goes completely prepare to them all the time.
I agree! So enjoyable!
@@struttintime-I like how this opens the door into his own life! Sharing this makes him so much more relatable.
I love that she doesn't immediately go to taking offense or thinking something is wrong with herself when people do certain things. She reads the person and trys to find how they are feeling and why.
just listening and watching her talk is infectious. Imagine working for someone who truly understands your strengths, weakness and if struggling to understand will take the time and effort to help. Amazing
I had exactly the same thought and took it to the extent to wonder if I could possibly work/intern with her?!?
I agree 💯%
@@cyborgjoe1000 do you have specific examples of her supposed masking of anxiety? Btw masking is something a lot of people do, including myself, when we can't be in a safe environment
Yeaaaah, you would need about 10x the amount of bosses at your work, all educated in psychology. Does that sound plausible to you? Maybe what you should do is to be able to be that person for yourself or have a friend catch you when youre down. Not rely on an imaginary workplace.
@@adrianflo6481 well you clearly won't get a job there 😂
The moment Tom does the “goofy neutral face” I almost lost it with laughter. I enjoy his openness on these talks
I did lose it with laughter. I just love Tom. And Oh, so impressed with Vanessa. Captivating!
IT WAS SO SO FUNNY!! I loled so hard
I did lose it lmao XD Wasn't expecting to laugh watching this.
Stoned
Agreed. I laughed so hard. Then I rewinded and laughed again.
As an introvert, I engage most with elaborate archetypical talking points and nuance; I find it really hard to make small talk with people and often find that a lot of people just aren't open to elaborating for in depth conversation and it's hard to determine if that boundary is set because they don't want you to cross it or if it's because they don't belive what they have to say is worth saying.
A lot of people are closed off simply because they want to avoid rejection, and I hate prying for fear of over-stepping boundaries.
Oh my, how well I can relate. Her description of the phases of a relationship (even a peripheral friendship or an acquaintance at a social gathering) is interesting, and rings true, I think, and I think maybe going through them "properly" comes naturally for the average person and/or for more extroverted people, but is not super easy for people like you and I, or at least it sure isn't for me, anyway, because I just can't do small talk. If I try, it comes off as fake, because gosh, it is. And people don't respond well to fake, so. I have this way of just boldly striding into my talking points, in a way that presumes a lot, and if it's immediately clear that my presumptions were wrong, well then I just go back to my book.
@Shavais Zarathu I boldly stride into my talking points, and I tend to be accurate in my assessments the majority of the time; let me tell you, that it tends to go down just about as well as getting it wrong haha
@@spazic1493 Lol! Yes indeed.
I find some people really easy to talk to. Others much less so. It's worth persisting though.
In 30:30 when she talks about Psychic energy (she says she thinks a lot so maybe she just hasn’t been educated on psychic energy) but it is real. In my culture it is very real. I like to think of it more as understanding brainwaves. Kind of like when you play a random song that came in to your head and the person next to you says I was literally just thinking of that song.
If are someone who doesn't like parties and small talk...just accept that. When someone asks you to go just say no I don't like parties. Who cares what they think. Don't feel guilty about not talking to people when you don't want to. Then when you do want to talk to somebody, allow yourself that pleasure. If there is no self applied pressure you will feel much more natural because you are never being fake
Everyone is different but I personally find that pushing myself is what motivates me. If I accept just not liking things it just creates an excuse. A prime example is roller coasters, I always was like nahhhh I’m afraid - until now that I’m later on in life I can let go, have fun and it honestly is a blast (that I would have missed out on if I didn’t push myself).
Sure, but successful people generally need to socialize with their peers
Where are u supposed to start...with some deep invasive conversation with a stranger. "Small talk" has a purpose. It's so u can gradually get to know/build trust so you can talk about the real sh*t
@@Gecko88 This is exactly how I operate. Because my friends don't feel entitled to my time and understand that people are different, I still have them when I need them and vice versa. They respect my boundaries, and I respect theirs regardless of how "piss weak" they may feel to either of us.
"How can I lose when I'm already chose? Like...?"
I thin thats where the famous saying comes “put itself in the most uncomfortable situation to build the best of you”
I used to have social anxiety sooo bad to the point that any person even looking at me is swear, shake & blush. I lived in that misery from I was a child til 23 years old & now I feel completely free from it , it’s amazing !!!!
What did you do?
What's the secret??
Pleasee
I had it from 18 to 30. I would say im 95% over it, only some occasions would it come back but its nowhere near as severe. Im 36 now.
I got over it from general life experience. Inadvertently being in situations which helped me develop as a person. Make sense? Also ill add that the older you get the less you care about what people think of you.
I love that for you. Practicing becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable helped me to overcome anxiety. I intentionally put myself into situations that caused me to stretch and grow. Adding new “tools to my toolkit” helped me build confidence and credibility with myself. Finding my voice also helped. I practiced engaging with people in person. Now, people are drawn to my authenticity and ability to connect on a personal level.
Something about Vanessa, she is so captivating that it's impossible to forget her.
In a good way
This has to be the greatest discussion about social skills I've ever seen. This woman has now opened my mind on how to recover from problems I deal with amongst coworkers at work. I love it!!!
Sheesh, I was looking up videos on Sicily because I just found out I’m 20% Italian. How did I end up here, I didn’t expect to watch this whole video. She got me, I’m buying her book.
I know right! .. same story here!
Yesssss
Lpppp
it happes ALL THE TIME!
@HotMessMom it happens ALL THE TIME!
10:32 - The big 5 personality traits:
Openness- how adventurous you are
Conscientiousness- how organized you are
Extroversion- how you like being around people
Agreeableness- how you work on teams, if you default to 'yes' or 'no'
Neuroticism- how you approach worry
It was fun reading your definitions as its shows a lot more about your own biases. You are also trying to oversimplify to the point where you come off as slightly ignorant. "the big 5" is not scientific nor is any personality "explanation" because of the fact that psychology is not science. Neurobiology is the science that garners behaviour.
Openness - "includes aspects such as intellectual curiosity and creative imagination". Adventure has nothing to do with it.
Extraversion has nothing to do with liking people. We are all omniverts and Its more about the conscious act to be around people. I say conscious because not spending time with others and not spending time on yourself are equally as bad for your mental health. "introverts" are no less sociable or disliking of others than extroverts.
Organizational skill is a part of what is called executive functioning. Conscientiousness on the other hand has nothing to do with organizing but awareness. You can be extremely aware but shit at organizing. Tho they tend to be correlated
Agreeableness has nothing to do with defaulting to yes or no. You are taking context completely out of the picture. Agreeableness is a multitude of behaviours, were one person can see cooperation another sees weakness.
No one "approaches worry". You "handle" worry. You approach situations. Neuroticism can also be described with intellectual, analysing, cautions and an affinity to solve emotional problems to alleviate stress in your near environment.
PS: The point is that all of these have positive and negative consequences and not the dichotomous picture you painted.
@@adrianflo6481 They were actually just using Vanessa's definitions from the video
@@colinwingate2999 lol. That is even worse then 😂😂
Imagine believing that there's a personality trait for liking other humans. Liking is not the problem with anti social personalities. You make it sound as if it's the person's own fault.
Thanks, gave me a good laugh
@@adrianflo6481 ughh..the kind of person who argues black is white.. it's not if you 'like' people or not, just do you naturally gravitate to be around other people because your derive enjoyment from it, or not. Being introverted I prefer to not be around a lot of people, especially loud extroverted people; however, that does not mean I do not like them
@@adrianflo6481 it's OCEAN, backed by science 10:20 - like did u even watch
Omg the part of the conversation when they discuss frenimies and dream killers is sooo helpful! I feel seen! It’s so true… wondering whether someone is an enemy is so much more taxing emotionally than dealing with a known enemy. Lack of Psychological safety in the workplace impacts performance big time.
damn, that was intriguing! She radiates healthy charisma and authenticity...and her energy pulled me out of my dark brooding in seconds! Time well spent.
I think she can use more work but this is really interesting
I've actually just finished reading her book, "Captivate." It's seriously been insane just how helpful all of these tools have worked not only in my business but in my social life. I'm a new Mom and my "sparkling personality" suddenly left me half way through my pregnancy and into motherhood. Cue the serious awkwardness once finally joining the adult world again. Her book and channel taught me many tricks of the trade but also highlighted some not so flattering things I was doing even before this new chapter in my life hit.
So awesome you're interviewing her. I watch both you and her content almost daily. What a special treat to come across today. Thanks, you two!
Do you have notes from the book? Or can you summarise it? Like the actionable tips??
Many thanks back at you Vanessa. Funny enough when I landed my first weekly dj gig back, I branded the weekly event as, "Thrive." Inspired by your quote, "Go where you Thrive not simply where you survive!"
Can you give an example?
Kilma Tempa t
This is a really good Funnel
Not only is her smile SO contagious in the best way, but she has a wonderful genuine laugh as well. Im fascinated by her. Such an inspiration
At one of the stop lights on my way to work there is a sign, no right turn on red during a walk signal. Although I always feel rushed and anxious on my way to work, usually there is a man walking his daughter to school that will push the walk button and I have to wait for them to cross the intersection. He is huge, if you were looking for someone to play Paul Bunyan in a movie he would be a good fit. I find that watching him walk his daughter to school is so soothing. I could sit and watch them all day. He is a huge man with a full beard and his daughter is so small probably five or six years old. It gives me such a feeling of comfort to see this tiny little girl who is being protected by this massive man. It makes me feel that that is how life is supposed to be.
I tried not being awkward my whole life with the stupid belief that you need to fit in and be liked by everybody, only to find out that you are supposed to be awkward in order to feel happy.
What do you mean by that? How does happiness require awkwardness
@@Urine666Deity i think he means just be yourself regardless if it's awkward or not.
You don’t have to be awkward; just be yourself
She didn't have to tell me she was high on neuroticism, I could tell within the first few moments :) The fast talking and strong need to understand people. I love her knowledge!
That's great
What knowledge? Most of the things she says are common sense.
@@owlNolan they aren't as obvious as all your TH-cam comments being a painfully obvious way for you to try and feel powerful and push away low self esteem 😉 Hope you get better 🙏
@@owlNolan The tips are always common sense but it's applying then do they feel seamless in a tense situation that makes it breaks whether it is legit.
Anyone can type a comment anonymously but not all people can apply it in person consistently.
That dog experiment she talked about was so interesting and how it relates to humans to unlearn helplessness and become HAPPY.
Yeah, that experiment on learned helplessness is crazy!
Your comments on the happiness key is spot on and in my opinion will enable ppl to take the action that is necessary to effect our choice to be happy. This is empowering. For the first time ever I rushed to "smash" the like button and I wish I could hit it an infinite number of times. Your intro was absolutely true about this awesome woman and the content she shares. Every single thing you said was correct and there was no exaggeration at all in the words you chose to describe what we were about to watch and hear ❤️ every minute of this and I am so grateful to have subbed to your channel
Vanessa, some people walk in to a room and don’t give a stuff and don’t think about anything and are not confident. I love how your analysis is so definitive the way you speak
Also, the close ups during these interviews are fantastic, it makes such a difference for the viewer, it keeps me engaged as if I were there, part of the conversation instead of simply an observer.
I was thinking the same thing
Totally agree with this comment
6:00
Introverts are very good at observing.
Naturally charismatic can walk into a room and not worry about what to talk about.
And introvert can see it as a battleground or a playground.
Which is what helps her to see interactions in a more formulaic way.
she used to read academic studies and then write about it as a journalists.
To set herself apart, she started testing it on herself, or in a lab.
7:42
It came from a desire to differentiate herself from other journalists and also to solve people.
Like a math problem.
To not be so baffled by people’s choices.
10:20
Big five personality traits
Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Aggreeableness, Neuroticism
Openness-
Neuroticism- how someone approaches worry.
Conscientiousness- how much you like organization or routine
Agreeableness- if they default to yes or no.
13:54
In western cultures there is an ideal personality type for women and men.
For women the ideal personality type is:
We can guess personality type by what’s on your walls.
15:36
High neurotics use more motivational quotes
High neurotics have less of a gene that helps produce serotonin fast.
19:10
Certain personality traits actually are better as opposites
Your first word in that comment was obviously supposed to be extrovert, not introvert. This one mistake makes your whole comment bs yet 52 people liked it. Not surprising. Most people are stupid.
@@artichokeheartbreak2279 LMAOOO
I’m ecstatic I found this amazing women!! I was always awkward and highly neurotic and learning this amazing woman has both these traits. I actually cried with relief, look at her!!! We can all get there. Invaluable, I rang my partner, (usually my podcast time is private, its my thing).. I need to share this one.. he’s like wow! You’re so excited and intrigued! This is a genuine light up! I feel a deeper understanding instantly to myself ❤ thank you for this podcast 🙏 xx
woman* with an "a". singular. lol
'are they really happy for me?' is a KEY question that i've come to on my own.. this video was confirmation of that and so much more ✨
Vanessa your categorisation of types of friends was interesting. In my mind only the high value people would be considered friends. Everyone is an associate. It saves a lot of anxiety
great interview but i didn't get the answer to "how to liberate yourself from social anxiety"
Exactly
She does an interview on that topic on his wife's channel 'women of impact'.
Exactly.
It feels like false advertising.
This is probably my first comment on youtube ever. And as a German I never thought it would be one under an english speaking video. But this video was so amazing, useful and caring at the same time, I feel the need to say "Thank you"! I feel understood and got a good amount of things to think about and (re)analyze myself. Thank you very much!
I think Americans just love talking so much about themselves so much, if you allow someone to chat so long, and add to their ego, people will like you!
The one thing she didn't talk about that I thought would be beneficial to add to all the great content that she shared, is the awareness of our point of relativity when it comes to our happiness. She mentioned one time about writing our level of happiness in terms of the things we do throughout the day, and one of those tasks was laundry. I just so happened to have lost my laundry washing ability recently and after taking several trips to the laundromat I realize how much more grateful I am for having had the ability to do my laundry at home. Sometimes changing our relativity or our perspective or point of reference to something can greatly change our level of happiness
first few minutes of interview is awkward, however, KEEP WATCHING........this is gold!!!!!!!
RAW FOOD PHILOSOPHY glad someone else picked up on that.....almost felt forced
Hmmm...maybe I'll give it another chance, based on your comment. I'm 5min in and just like oh my god please stop talking about hugs.
Yeah, I felt that. I felt uncomfortable watching her at the start, like she was trying to read and study him rather than being present.
Suuuuuuuper awkward lol
@@JuanGarcia-ww4eb I felt that as well!!!! Was not organic flow at first definitely felt forced but they forged on and settled into a great give and take, then it was awesome!we all struggle to find that connection sometimes for one reason or another.
Wow not only is she gorgeous, but she is super smart and well articulated! WCW
Right! #PissedShesMarried
@@Bryan-vo1sf well even if she wasn't married, the odds of one of us in the comments meeting her and dating her are like 1 out of 200 million anyway haha
WCW vs NWO
She is almost perfect
@Hannah Bartle lol cry more.
The ways she talks is so contagious and her makeup is spot on!!!
The neutral goofy face 🤣🤣🤣
I’m only 36 minutes in and I’ve already saved this and shared it. Amazing discussion.
After 3 years of this talk's release, I keep coming back to it. Vanessa is such a badass.
"How do you sculpt a garden of friendship?" Now that's a question I never thought about. Kinda reminds me of manicured landscaping, such a chore to maintain.
Dude, you hit the ball out of the park with this wonderful, beautiful human being on your show!!!!!
This was super interesting! Thankyou for doing what you do. Way to go bro!
Tom, you ask some of the best questions. You're like the male Oprah, seriously
Thank you!
Only genuine.
Nah, joe rogan is
Great compliment. Only, I'd say, there's no one like Tom
@Mara Bumbuc indeed he tries to dominate the conversation even if it's not needed but his content is great.
Omg, I love this episode so much. You’re having such a substantial conversation, and there are so many helpful nuggets of wisdom included.
What a great interview and not a boring moment. That hour went quick.
thought it was boring as hell
@@michaelclarke1716 yeah the beginning was cringy to me. I imagined wayyy better.
@@stewiegriffin1938Like what? What did you imagine to be better? Do you know or do you not know?
I am here as I have heard about Vanessa in your wife’s Lisa’s amazing book “Radical confidence”.
Congratulations to Lisa on her writing and of course to you on this interview.
Vanessa: " I like to think of people like an Onion" Tom without missing a beat : " Makes you cry and you don't wanna cut it?" LOL
Vanessa "but delicious when cooked" lol
I like to look at people as unopened gifts. You have to meet and get to know them to see what’s inside and you eventually show them your gift too
I'm going to use her technique of turning unpleasant events into something I can enjoy and appreciate. It all boils down to changing perspective and labels that we have unconsciously given to things that we've deemed to be a source of our unhappiness.
Wow this just saved my life, here I am confused for 24 years, looking for this tern ambiguous friends, and now it makes sense!
As an introvert i can use this check list to get my time and energy back
I wonder how childhood trauma impacts the development of the big 5 traits and some of the other research studies she mentioned. Like would someone with PTSD more accurately pick up on smelling fear or would they inaccurately overestimate it, because their amygdala is already over-activated? Such fascinating topics and what a charismatic speaker!
As someone who had severe trauma, a lot of what she said didn’t really fit me. For instance, I’m a total worrier. I’m also the one who’s the calmest in high stress situations though, because I had to adapt to constant danger essentially. I also am someone who is obsessed with structure, organization, etc, but my car is super cluttered; because I struggle with feeling like I might need something one day and not have it. I’m known for being insanely outgoing and bubbly, but if you catch me in a gym/certain environments, I’m insanely introverted. I feel like you would have to be able to ask the whys for it to work, rather than going on those visual cues. People with trauma tend to be so outside of social norms in random ways that this wouldn’t work as well.
What a FANTASTICLY intriguing conversation!!! I could listen to her voice all day long!
This was definitely a wonderful interview! I could tell you were absorbing the information just as much as us. Lots to reflect on and Vanessa is a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine haha
I’m in awe! Thank you for this interview 😮❤
What I love the most about when she speaks, is the distinct control of her amplitude without having to increase it's wavelength - literally breathtaking. A classic example of form derived from the inoperable. Forget her eyes - look for the mandible; essentially driven without loss of energy.
She holds the look captive and yet - still engaged. Kudos Tom for keeping it together under such a nuanced microscope; particularly one with an acute Xenohormesis. Wasn't hard to tell, she so wanted you, to talk about science. That may not be the truth, but that too is reality.
I love this episode! Human interaction and social skills has a hugely obsessive passion of mine ever since I learned as a teenager that I could learn and practice my way out of my own crippling shyness! Highest impact points for me:
1. Learning how to find systems and behaviors that balance, or even leverage, your inherent traits. Specifically on neuroticism the realization that if you are high-neurotic you can jump-start your self soothing by keeping inspiring imagery and quotes highly visible at all times. Like you, Tom, I keep a list of impactful quotes and follow a few instagram channels. However, after this interview I think I would rate myself as high-neurotic when it comes to business and my professional life so I am going to experiment with significantly increasing the visibility of that inspiring material.
2. "Our mental space is finite ... I thought that mental space was sort of endless, right? You could learn forever. You could think about things forever. But actually, we only have a certain amount of mental time every day."
This was a huge perception shift for me that I am excited to dive deeper into. I immediately realized that I, too, sort of just unconsciously neglected the time-cost of thinking about things, which I think extends beyond even just whether or not someone likes us but frankly into the entire way that you choose to budget your daily mental time. Time spent thinking about useless or negative stuff is literally time lost that you could have been learning or thinking about something valuable or positive. That is powerful!
3. On facial expressions and structure. Just an interesting anecdote from my own experience: I have experimented with intentionally "wearing the expressions" of characters that I like from movies and TV shows. Particularly if that character is being portrayed by a very skilled and experienced actor. I noticed that when I do this it radically changes the way that people engage with me. One my favorite examples is when I spent some time trying to emulate the mannerisms and hyper-intentional facial expressions that James Spader uses when portraying Raymond Reddington on the blacklist. The transformative effect was enormous: people treated me with more respect and you could tell they assumed I was important or powerful in the way that they deferred to me, even total strangers. Really fun stuff!
--
By the time I was half way through the episode I had already opened a new tab and grabbed a copy of Vanessa's book, I'm excited to dive in. I find this stuff utterly fascinating and I love her energy and enthusiasm for the topic and I find her approach to studying and learning so totally relatable.
Thank-you for the great content, as always!
Please recommend some good books for social skills
I like her mission to "wake people up" so we have more quality interactions with each other! 🙌🏾And as for self-soothing, WOW! Who knew...
I do too!
What is her advise on logistical soothing and emotional soothing. Of course there are logistical and emotional issues. But what is her point
Me too!!
I love Vanessa. This individual speaks my language. That awkward side smile grin Vanessa has & sparkle in her eyes, speaks volumes to me. Venessa was in control from the beginning, you Tom, have zero control, regardless of your media/PR training.
I have a flat affect with athymhormic syndrome from brain damage I suffered as a child after being mutilated and the wound getting infected.
I am really fascinated by this. I've been working on myself for a long time. This is wonderful.
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing. You chose to work on yourself, making u very aware. You are doing well.
Tom you do this show for free, just because you like to explore and help the world....here is a sincere message from a complete stranger: THANK YOU!!!
Cool and all, but... For free? :D Dude has 2 million+ subs. I can only imagine what he is being paid.
@@baksug true...but its not subscription material, anyone can watch without spending a dime
The guy is a billionaire. He’s doing this for free pretty much
@@Stierenkloot isn't that what i wrote?
This was amazing! Thank you so much for interviewing Vanessa, you are introducing me to insanely valuable information I didn’t even know I needed.
Wow! Absolutely fascinating and agree, captivating interview.
This woman is awesome!!! So well spoken and so knowledgeable!!!
Thank you so much! 🙏
Once upon a time there was a sweet and pretty girl named Vanessa....... What an Inspiration !!!!
I was a completely free, outgoing little nine year old girl, when my grade four teacher brutality brought shame upon me. I was known for getting my class together and making plays that even we usually put on for a couple of classes in our grade. Well, when the principle called an ensembley for our Cinderella --- we were ecstatic ! This teacher I had at that point in my life, destroyed my passion & I caved into myself, he called me fat, called me out on numerous occasions in front of the class, for having diarrhea when I was sick, eating paste, garbage, calling me a liar, their, & telling my mom that I was academically challenged. All of this did not even begin to compare to the crushing sound as he crumbled all of my joy, glee & passion, --- like a piece of paper as he shamed me for doing the worm ( giggling to-fro-up-down), when I found out that the play I produced, directed & played the fairy godmother, evil stepmother in, was to be showed to the entire school. Ha, ha, the very next year I had the best teacher & she loved my quirky side. My mom always has said that she was prepared for a horribly neg comments on par/teac night, & my new teacher said - Paula is such a nice, creative little girl....... My mom was on the verge of tears, lol. Since then, Mr Shame, has been caught up in court over sexuality abusing some young boys. I pray that this is not the case, I don't wish his any harm, he is forgiven for his role in my disablement & I do remember he taught me a lot about music, my profession. Thanks again. =^!!^=.
Hi Tom,
Thank you for bringing in Vanessa :)
I have been following her for couple yrs now and even wanted to enroll myself in her course one day. What she studies and share is so fascinating! And again.. one of the best interview with Vanessa I have seen, very insightful and I learned some new things too. Thank you and keep producing good work! 👍❤☺
Wow the last thing she said really got to me because I seriously fear driving and just got my license and even just getting in the car causes me to panic but I will try saying gratitudes like that during stop lights and let you know how I feel:) thank you! The whole video is great and learned a lot! Amazing video!
I realized how happy I have been in comparison to others when I hear these conversations … People OVER THINK everything now a days! Life can be simple and incredible beautiful if one just stop trying to “find” a hidden meaning in everything one do, experience, hear, feel, etc, etc! Too much noice, if one wants to “figure things out”.
This is truly fascinating. She really knows what she is talking about and is extremely clear about teaching it to us. Thank you Vanessa!
I've been watching her videos since 2015. It helped me communicate better. I'm so glad she's finally on Impact Theory! Thanks Tom!
9:00 that smile from someone who knows all the tricks
This is such a relatable thing for me analyzing these aspects. I can't get enough of this.
That's amazing! I'm so glad you enjoyed this video. ❤
He referenced his wife many times; such a good husband
Or insecure wife 😁
He’d better. He was all into that woman
Thank you for saying that I'll do that
He is obously atract to her... he looks like a insecure girl from highschool mentioning his boyfriend
Men do that if they think the other woman is flirting with them or if they find the other woman attractive. He brought his wife up soon after she mentioned they could try squiggle hugging after.
*Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think and more talented than you know, and capable of more than you can imagine. Keep putting in the work…*
Love love LOVE This is so profoudly positive and true!
"remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you think & smarter than you seem. Know that that I will always be with you"
- Christopher Robin Winnie the Pooh
(School (skull rock) rock)
I needed to hear this today.
I’m totally feeling vibes in this interview! And find it cute how Tom keeps bringing it back to his wife 😂🙊
Tom is smart. He knows what awaits ANY man who makes a connection with an attractive woman, even if it's not sexual. Without constant wife references, he's doomed to months if not years of that being pulled up when needed. That's Man Life 101.😉
@@jckay5087 I give Lisa far more credit than that… buuuut better to be safe than sorry 😉
This was brilliant. I'm grateful for stumbling across this person. I wish there were fewer ads in his videos.
Love this episode, I immediately downloaded Vanessa’s book. Bingeing your channel right now Tom, you rock!! Thank you for all the amazing content.
Haha so I'm not alone
How is the book, I've read books on social dynamics and I'm so awkward that I sometimes have too much thinking going on instead of just letting go and letting things happen.Its like hesitation because I don't wanna say something stupid.Im afraid reading into this will make me more award lol.
I agree!
Thank you so much! I hope you love it!
By far one of Tom’s best interviews, with Goggins being his best and she’s a very close second. Every minute of this interview was full educational useful nuggets that bought tremendous self awareness. I think so many times we naturally just listen to words being spoken, rather than the body language and tone. Hope she’s on Tom’s show in the very near future.
Yes, I would like to see Goggins back!
Vanessa, you are brilliant.
I love your mission!💕
I watched the first 3 min of your introduction of her and I'm almost convinced from the bottom of my heart that she could be my idol
This was amazing! Also a recovering awkward person, but couldn't' recover or teach my children without all this great information Vanessa, thank you!
A recovering awkward person. What do you know about the struggles of addiction and obsessive tendencies? Cause you sure make it sound like the small talk at work is as hard as mental illness.
@@adrianflo6481 are you stupid? Where in the heck are you getting the idea that they're compairing their experience of being awkward to being addicted to something. Do u know what the word (recovering) f***ing means? What happens after you break you arm?... you recover! What happens after you get into a car accident and youre in the hospital?... you recover! So in their case, whatever impact awkwardness had on their lives, they are now adressing and RECOVERING from. Happy to tell you, recovering is not solely reserved to people that use or are addicted to something. So stop reaching and drawing stupid BS conclusions from nothingness.
Really interesting interview. I loved the part about ambivalent friendships and understanding where you’re placing your mental energy, and also working with your natural tendencies instead of forcing habits that don’t suit your personality. Thank you Tom!
This woman is fascinating. No fluff, no bs, very knowable, and well spoken. Very enthusiastic without draining your energy, very instructive without being a know-it-all. And a voice that is easy to listen to.
Thank you for your kind words! ♥
Should I say it? Yes.. Impact Theory Phenomenon Strikes Again!
First I want to point out the changes that I saw
1. IT Coffee mugs, love how they completed the logo, and almost stayed that way during the episode. I did miss the glow that the glasses bring to the table.
2. Impact Theory logo on the left side of the screen, great choice for when people use the content for their vidoes "Goal Cast" *Cough* *Cough*. Did notice that started on the Jason episode.
3. Tom you were a lot more open/free during this episode, I felt more of the vibe that I get from you when you are doing Facebook live. I am thinking it had to do with the guest, and the atmosphere that she brought.
4. Something about how the outro music played at the end, made me feel like I just watched a awesome movie.
5. New ending graphics, LOVE IT. Mad props to the graphic designer.
Other things to note
1. GOD DAMN, Talk about captivating. Vanessa is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Perfect 10
2. Information overload, I felt my brain short circuiting. it was just like a lot of stuff to take in, and it was great.
3. She just a lot of great stuff to say, I must get this book.
4. I was also listening to "528Hz Release Inner Conflict & Struggle | Anti Anxiety Cleanse - Stop Overthinking, Worry & Stress" before I started watching this episode and kept it playing the whole time, and it added a nice touch to how I received it.
I noticed he was more open this episode too - I wonder if it was because he was interviewing a body language specialist... :)
Yeah, I want to say it was because he was interviewing a body language specialist, but I would also like to believe we are just seeing the evolution and growth of Tom.
Duuuuuude! This breakdown is awesome! Thanks for taking the time. And thanks for noticing all of our changes. Always trying to improve!! And totally agree that Vanessa has so many amazing ideas that it's hard to keep up. Enjoy her book! It's phenomenal.
Vanessa is amazing at explaining things and Tom was so funny and open, I loved this interview!
I purchased online right away. Thank you for introducing great things every time I watched your channel. Worthy of every minute.
The interview is actually much better than what its misleading title suggested so IMHO just keep it true without unnecessary clickbaits. Great guest, very informative material. I've learnt quite a few things. Thanks.
Just discovered your channel!! I remember when you spoke at our Healthy Living Summit in Texas for HEB Food stores!! I just watched Mel Robbins video, which I LOVED, and am now 20 mins into this video, which I also love. So, hitting a saturation point, but like your guest, LOVE receiving new info that can be applied to my life, to help myself, which in turn, will help those around me, hopefully! I'm going to take a break and go work out in the gym and then finish this later . She's just about to discuss figuring yourself out before others. That makes me chuckle as you both noted how we ALWAYS think of others when we are reading self-help/improvement books/info!! Every time my mind wonders to that thought I regroup and say to myself, this is for YOU not someone else right now! Thanks for all you do and have done!!! LOVE the new Blueberry Muffin Quest Bar by the way!!!! Simply Fabulous!
Tom is the ultimate hype man. The best part of every episode
Haha. Thank you. ;-)
Thank u for all ur effort in spreading awareness and guidance. Thank u for ur content.
So much knowledge gold! Thank you for everything you guys do!
this was such an engaging and thought-provoking conversation! Thank you for the honesty and openness!
Thank you so much Tom for having Vanessa on your show. I paused the video part way through and bought her book off Amazon. Looking forward to the read. 😊
She's so good when it comes to answering questions and she is so confident and so beautiful i would love to have that confident, specially when it comes to talking to people. Thank you guys!🙂
♥♥
I thought I was introvert because I want to be alone all the time, but when I am with people I’m a chatterbox. I strike up conversations with strangers at the grocery store, it’s almost always about food. Turning on a couple to some cheese I like. Teaching a young woman how to make the best mashed potatoes. Swapping ideas with a man about how to cook pork shoulder. He says he just crock pots it. I told him about buckboard bacon, Al Pastore, and how to smoke it.
Me Too!😄
I wish I was more like this !
Sounds like you would be an excellent food vlogger, you could start a TH-cam Channel talking and teaching about food
@stizan24 I've never heard of buckboard bacon but I'm curious, do you smoke it in a pipe or rolling papers? Also, what does your friend Al Pastore have to do with it?
Same! I go from “I hate people, I don’t care, don’t want to talk to anyone” to having full blown convos about like with strangers and feeling happy as hell doing it 🤣 hopefully therapy can help with that lmao
Her smile is contagious
As an autistic person all of this is just... how I and many other autistic people live. Analyzing people, acting based on others, bluntness/honesty, making things optimized to work with you and not society...
is it exhausting? as an anxious person i feel so tired from it all
I am 100% with you. I am also autistic, and when she describes herself here and in the interview with Lewis Howes (also on TH-cam) she describes an autistic person.
She mentioned all the traits I was asked about when I had my diagnosis.
I like this setting better than the present one with the desk. Tom is less serious too.
Love the show, thank you guys!
Awesome! Absolutely loved this 💯 Thank you both!
Love her view on honesty!!! I love being a radical honest person. But it's so hard to find people to be vulnerable with you or accept you through your truths and being so direct. Its hard to drop all the friends but less is really more. And genuine people many be hard to find but don't fill the space u could spend on yourself and self care with people who are living their real truth in being organic and accountable.
Yes it is a lonely place, at least for me it is, I have no one to talk to other than myself, but I'm happy to be my own person and not let anyone take advantage of me. I hope I can find a real friend tho
This conversation flows so well and is so informative
Amazing Interview! You really know how to get at the essence of what’s important about your guests. Vanessa’s work is so interesting. I’ve been looking for more work like hers since first being introduced to personality types and motivation while studying to be a better sales closer in my business. Riveting, thanks you!
I am SO thrilled to hear this! Thank you ❤
Despite the fact that the way to self-awareness is top ten topics nowadays in sense of wellbeing per se I believe and it's spread out everywhere the way she talks about it is much more entertaining and interactive then most mentors and couches do. Hats off.
38:39 is a really cool super villain face. Her resting bit@h face is so cool. Both of them have that supervillain killer look. love the information in this video!
Vanessa Van Edwards you are the inspiration of my being! Your ability to translate what and why we respond the way we do is so insightful and this video blew my mind! Thank you!
Turned the red light into a happy experience, maybe that's what the dogs did who stayed on the shock mat. supper interesting video, thanks
You're welcome! Thank you for watching :)