My mother's best friend would say to people who insulted her "I'm sorry your having a bad day". She told us that it puts the problem back on the person who insulted you. I use it all the time and it is very effective.
Our grandson started high school this year, a boy was teasing him saying he was fat our grandson’s response was amazing he just said “ I don’t care what you think of me” and walked away. That boy doesn’t bother him anymore, we were all very proud of the mature way he handled the situation. Our grandson is a legend.👏👏👏👍👍🥰🥰🥰
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Forgot to mention it in the video. I've gotten further with "I don't care" than I have with saying nothing, especially with people who aren't necessarily able to infer what "okay" or "thank you" would actually mean in this context and only know it as an acknowledgement that whatever he/she said is true, and who also know that silence definitely means admitting defeat.
When my ex friend was bullying me and I said thank you it worked. She was so angry that she didn't get a rise out of me. I genuinely thanked her for being honest with me about she felt. She went ballistic and hung up. We don't talk anymore and that's honestly a blessing.
@@paulburkholder9690 No Paul , if one was dealing with decent people then these situations wouldn't arise in the first place.......you have to realise that "When you are dead, you do not know you are dead, it's only painful for others - the same applies when you are stupid.”
My son was upset that a girl on his bus was teasing another boy about having a rather large rear end. It was in fact large for the boys size. Every day she would call the boy bubble butt & most of the kids laughed. My son was always for the underdog & it was upsetting him. I told him the next time it happened to say really loud YOU SURE SPEND A LOT OF TIME STARING AT HIS REAR END! He said it & loud laughter insued. She never bothered the boy again.
A loose take from a quote of Buddha... My quote is as likely as inaccurate, as well, lol: If a man refuses to accept a gift (of an insult, etc.), whose gift is it? It remains/belongs to the giver. Roll it off like water on a duck's back...? If one person says "___" about/to you? What EVER, as the kids say. If 2-3 say the same thing? Hmmm. Might give it some thought in your prayer closet. If several peeps say the same thing? I/we/you are the common denominator. HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! Last time I walked on water was in the shower this morning, and bc the drain was half plugged. OUCH!, LOL! 🤣✔🤣 I am not a Buddhist, but a follower of the teachings of Jesus Christ, a Christian. However, that being said, there were and are many wise men and women around the World... those that teach us to be better, wiser people... Hopefully... ⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
I don't usually respond to aggressive/nasty people but I also like to use, "Are you okay?" then go about my business. The question usually confuses them. :-)
I saw a young lad at work taking it for 20 minutes straight from the resident bully. He got on with his work, said nothing, and when she had finished he calmly turned around and said; "I think you are confusing me for someone who cares what you think. However, thank you for sharing, I will be sure to forget it all instantly!" Not even 18 years old, bloody brilliant!
Most of the time, literally 99% of the time when people are purposely trying to insult, hurt, or bully you- it's them projecting. It's just a reflection of themselves and how they actually feel! In some sick way, it makes them feel better and it empowers them to try and bring someone else down.
It is true, i met a very mean man and ljke to insult people. One co workers told me his wife cheated on him with his besfriend and he is broke. Unhappy people try to hurt people.. you do not see happy and positjve people walk around and insult people.
@@eulabarredo5186 : . "you do not see happy and positjve people walk around and insult people." 100 percent true. Why? You're TOO happy and content with life to even come up and insult other people much more bully them.
@Bertahoop1955...Whilst that may sound clever it will produce a counter response and before you can blink you will be in a slanging match with this POS. Thus, as the guy in the video said, you will be giving tacit legitimacy to the original comment/insult. A simple "Thank You" may not sound as 'clever' but it is more disarming.
I remember in the movie “Billy Madison”, when Adam Sandler was insulted by a girl in his grade school class, he replied in a loud voice “No, I will not make out with you”. The girl got embarrassed and the entire class laughed. I made a mental note to use that line one day. It doesn’t matter how old you are, everyone will laugh
My motto is: Do not engage! Esp if it's a complete stranger. Mental illness are far too common nowadays. I simply stare & smile... I stand my ground to prove I'm not intimidated. This forces the aggressor to retreat.
That is excellent insight, about people who potentially have mental illness. We never know how someone will react....or over-react....or have a gun ....
in our culture in Algeria, the automatique response to a curse is a big punch with a fist on the face, there is no other responses. but here in U.S with too much laws police etc, it makes itcomplicated and poeple need to make this kinda videos...again, if the culture alaws a physical response or violense to someobe who curses you, poeple will think twise or more before they curse anyone for minimum reason.
@@billihawk368 Who knows, what could work for you. I'd suggest fx "I'm an author, and I'm here to study this subject, without him/her ever noticing that-mode", or "watching a movie".?
Don't forget "please"! Take a look at "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum, it's a beautiful summary of basic respect for others and learning to get along; I think you'll really like it.
Thank you. I didn't know that I was gay , until last night, when you started to make out with me. I feel so much better being out in the open, like you are. Thanks for outing us.
I was bullied at school and followed my parents advice to try and ignore the bully - as if I was paying them any attention in the first place. My school life was miserable. All the bullying stopped in a flash when I lost it and punched a boy in the throat. Never happened again.
You mean the culture of the last 4 years? That is not our culture. Jesus said turn the other cheek when you're attacked, same as strategic non response. THAT was our culture for the last 2000 years. Those who still follow JESUS....still have that culture.
The best comeback I’ve ever heard from was from my youngest sister when she was 5. She had just started kindergarten one of the other little girls told her “I’m not your friend” (A big deal in kindergarten.) My baby sister said “you don’t have to be my friend. I have friends” She’s the youngest of 4 girls and we’re very close so she was absolutely right! She had us and I was so proud that she had the confidence to stand up for herself.
When you ignore insults time and again, the perpetrator considers that weakness and the bullying will only get worse. I did it for years with in-laws and struggle to regain my self respect after ignoring their remarks for 16 yrs
Right. Ignoring insults over time only teaches people how to treat you. Saying nothing probably works for a certain person in a specific position... I can't tolerate disrespect. They need to know a boundary was crossed so they have an opportunity to improve. If the disrespect continues I now know to disappear from their life as much as possible.
@@lookitstrent I agree, my husband is very negative and I always kept quiet not to start an argument but now its worse than ever . I can't take it anymore so I react by buying something. Its the only way he will stop. but part of the blame is on me too because i never reacted to it and it was now a habit of his.
@@lookitstrent Ignoring it teachers others how to treat you. Wise words. Ignoring could work fine on someone you met only once and won’t see again. This is toxic advice to use on repeat offenders like family, friends and colleagues.
Yeah. It can be really tricky. I suspect that the difference is whether there is a pattern of insults etc or whether it is merely incidental. (When I became bullied as an adult migrant, here where I live, someone told me to just laugh along with it all, because that is what she did when she was bullied as a kid. I realised too late that that signals permission to continue.)
We use that at my office in emails to insulting or aggressive clients where we don't want to engage- "Thank you for your email, the contents of which are noted".
Somebody at work that I’m not close friends with: “You look tired.” Me: “Thank you.” Worked like a charm. I hope it caused them to rethink saying that ever again!
I’ve often used the expression ‘that’s interesting,’ when someone hurls an insult my way. I don’t expand upon it. Just say ‘that’s interesting,’ or ‘how interesting,’ or even just simply, ‘interesting.’ Then take the conversation in a different direction. It usually leaves them confused 🤔
I'm a pretty reserved person. I try to just not make eye contact if possible. I think alot of people assume what kind of person i am based on my looks. I know i tend to look unhappy. But I am a very creative person and alot of artistic talent and not at all what others think.
I wish I heard this kind of talk long ago. Love the way you talk,slow and easy .My brain can't handle fast talkers,it shuts down.. This kind of thing should be taught in school. You are teaching an old dog new tricks ,many thanks !
@Will Abbott If you watch any videos that are too fast for you can slow down the speed with top 3 dots at top right hand corner of screen. Hopes this helps you with the enjoyment of more videos!😊
I was called ugly as an 11 year old by a teenage boy. I was shy and just stayed quiet. My mother sat next to me as I was insulted and she did not stand up for me. She stayed quiet too. That changed my selfesteem, confidence and my relationship with my mother forever. I was called ugly twice after that (when my mother was not there) and I accepted the insult as a fact. I'm 30 years old today and I still feel ugly at times, but making sure I always stand up for my children.
I used to act like a fool & get loud when someone made me mad but as I got older & wiser thankfully,I realized when someone insults you especially when they dont even know you it says absolutely nothing about you and everything about them
A good comeback that someone taught me once is to calmly and unemotionally ask, “what do you mean by that?” Gets the insulter every time. They are usually left stammering, backpedaling, or speechless.
Doesn't work with a narcessist or sociopath. They're happy to go into minute detail of exactly what they mean. Never ask a toxic person to expound upon it when they're tearing you down.
@@themaggattack yea im with you on that 1. some people are very sharp and witty. im slow ( not stupid but slow to respond) so i dont win encounters with sharp quick thinkers. i think shutting it down is best
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Someone totally ripped apart every characteristic about me and how i needed to change and each point I just said "Yes" even when the points were becoming ridiculous. That really took the wind out of the person's rant after 5 points.
I used to work with this guy who could calm down any angry customer by saying three words: You're not wrong. Meanwhile, he would be so empathetic, nodding in agreement, and repeating those words if they kept ranting. They would eventually see that he wasn't yelling back and give up. Once they quieted down, he would then have the opportunity to offer something to make it right and they'd leave smiling.
That’s a fun gambit! On the odd chance they CAN repeat it, you, too, should repeat saying what you just said: the method to the madness is being a parrot of something so simple and bland takes almost no energy from you, but each time they repeat it, it eats up their energy attempting to repeat it, and you can likely outlast someone full of bluster while your utterances use almost no mental, physical or emotional energy. The real gold comes if they can’t keep it together and they explode in a random rage of utterances that can’t be translated into words. Sort of like the human version of a hurricane coming out of the ocean at F5 strength, and each time you ask them to repeat it, when they repeat it, it splits off into little tornadoes with heavy rain and eventually fizzles out into a good soaker.
My all time favorite is “and you’re telling me this because?” I’ve never had any one fast enough to come back from that and then they look like an idiot.
As my mother taught us growing up, she always said, "why do you ask?" There have been times when the person has responded. The answers were quite entitled and completely obliterated normal social boundaries of course. So then we discussed what that answer seemed to say and why it was inappropriate. 😄
The response I’d hear from expert busy bodies was “Why, are you so evasive it was just a friendly question to continue our conversation ?” Usually followed up by that person then telling others later how anti social and shifty said person was.
I usually say, " I can see that someone hurt you, do you need to talk about it?" That usually shuts them up real quick. And I don't say it because I care to hear who hurt them. I just want them to realize that hurt people hurt others, and they need to analyze why they are spewing such negativity!
or just reply "not sure where you have got that information from about me but you have been mis- informed, if you want to know anything you only have to ask me direct and if its something you need to know I will tell you but if its not your business I will also tell you.
I’m a Vietnam vet with ptsd. For me a non response works. I used to respond with anger but a non response gives me time to calm down. This works for me.
I hear you... You saw a lot, much more than we were ever meant to see... You heard a lot....much more than you were ever meant to hear....Im so sorry .... I hate war .....Sisterly hugs
Thank you for your service sir. I’m a 60 year old woman with a temper, most likely from a terrible chaotic childhood. Family and friends are “afraid” of me because of my verbal jabs. But, I don’t like it in myself because while they usually deserve the reaction they get from me, it also raises my blood pressure. I want to feel more in control of my temper. Working on it.
@@Mexicobeanpole , Try not to respond. Think about the situation overnight. It will help. They don’t deserve your time or attention. It’s a trap you know so distance yourself from them. They want to upset you so do the opposite.
What would you say to somebody who gives you the silent treatment to feel better about herself. She sort of weirdly love bombs everybody else and im like a ghost to her. Because she's the more dominant person i feel marginalised and very peripheral to the group now. Any advice? Something short.
@@SusanaXpeace2u It's a form of gaslighting you. It's a difficult situation because to the other people who aren't aware of the dynamic she's just being nice, that's how she'll remain in their mind unless she runs the same game on them, which is unlikely because they aren't the desired target, you are. Be careful not to attempt to defend yourself to them by trying to raise awareness and letting them know about the dynamic "She's only being nice to you to hurt me" That sounds pretty crazy right? That's exactly how you're going to sound and this will enforce the notion that it's you that has the problem. This is a difficult situation brewing and my advice is to distance yourself politely from the group. If it's a working environment, you're not required to be everyone's best friend, you're required to be polite and productive. It may hurt watching this dynamic grow, knowing what she's doing, why she's doing it, but that's a win for her too, because she's in your head rent free. If this is a social dynamic and "she" is a potential partner, the flag is already up. Walk away.
A good one during a huge verbal confrontation, especially someone being verbally aggressive, is to say the following, "Don't talk to me the way you talk to your wife/husband at home." Watch the look on their face. LMFAO You'd be surprised how fast that defuses the confrontation. In some cases they begin to act more civil.
My response is "So?" because there is no comeback and you let the person know that whether or not what they said is true or not, you simply don't care. There's no comeback because normally NO ONE will want to start a fight. But it also conveys that you could care less what they think.
I have had a few "friends " that just love giving a few digs....I didn't react until after a time, I just walked away from those toxic relationships. Much happier without those "non friends."
This is going to be so useful to me because people keep insulting me and I’ve probably being reacting the way they expect so they keep the insults coming. I’ll change my strategy now and give them nothing.
It’s not a bad idea to take a good Look at your self if people keep insulting you. Personally I like to know the point behind the insult. Asking for more information is enlightening to me and to the insulter.
Do be careful about the first three he mentions - silence is admitting defeat (depending on what the insulter thinks - yes, what the insulter thinks is key to whether this one works or not), and "okay" and "thank you" are actually acknowledging that the insults are true, thus giving them fuel for the fire, especially if the person doesn't understand tone of voice or facial expression (which applies to more people than you might think). Personally, I've found "I don't care what you think" to be the most effective for me - that's the only way I've ever been able to instantly shut people down - but experiment to find what works for you.
@@SnowySpiritRuby Yeah I agree antagonistic people are just chomping at the bit for an opening. Some people are relentless. My father in law's favorite line is -Well that's your opinion, you know what they say about opinions? They're like butt holes everybody has one. Lol only he's using much worse language. Never used it myself. I only acknowledge and respond to what I have to. I usually just quick fire explain my way out of whatever they're saying and then tell them but hey think what you want, you're going to anyway. Then that's when I walk away, argument dismantled and de armed. At least for me with the antagonists in my life who are more petty and annoying than grown adults should be allowed to be.
My favorite response I have used: I look at them with a slight smile, as if they said something that revealed themselves more than identified anything true about me. Because it's TRUE. When someone insults you, they are revealing what type of person THEY are, NOT what type of person you are. Cheers.
I have a phrase written on a card on my desk: "If you wouldn't ask for their advice, don't accept their criticism." It's not a response to an insult, but helps me mentally process the insults when they come.
I agree...as this has always been the case with me mainly stay quiet cos I'm so hurt and it's made me feel terrible and they see that and still happend ..in work. Out of work..so for some no matter what there is no getting away from it .
Try this: Silently look them up and down first. Then turn away and ignore. It let's them know that you heard them and you've assessed them, but they weren't worthy of a response.
@@kurarisusa -- Thank you for this. It's an _'upgrade'_ from the standard silent response which nonetheless shows them what you think (or not) but makes clear your feelings. An advantage of any *silent response* (depending on the person and circumstances) is that you never get yourself in trouble for having said "...the wrong thing..." which may come back to haunt you later.
If people say negative things about my special needs son, “You do realize when you say things like this, you are saying more about yourself than him/me right?”
Smita, just out of curiosity, try asking them if they're making as many millions as he is making online. "Ha! You're just jealous of the millions he is making on Amazon!" It might floor them and give them a different perspective on "special needs" because a lot of special needs also come with immense special talents, after all. (Does not matter whether the money-making part applies to your son or not.)
@@I-talk-about-tough-topics yes! Honestly my son is the sweetest. Outside of his autism flair ups he is very calm. I’ll sometimes say “wow, my kid has way more kindness in his pinky than you have in you’re whole body!” He’s only 4 but I’m sure we’ll find his strengths soon!
I simply say this,coz i think its more appropriate when someone ir someone we love insults us. " IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE" This how is responded nowadays. Because i used to be a "NO RESPONSE AND OKAY AND THANK YOU to these insults but there are times i feel to feel them how i felt so thats me right now.People day i've changed- NO IM NOT, i changed or switch my attitude towards people who is not knowing to behave themselves. I like your main topic,its on point sir! Good day to you
My mom used to say “That’s not very nice to say”. It puts the blame back on where it belongs-on them. You aren’t defending yourself or taking pit shots at them. It implies that it’s okay for them to feel that way, but not okay for them to hurt you by telling you!! I like the silent treatment tho. Silence gets uncomfortable and pretty soon they will be squirming!!
That is a judgmental response and you are addressing that person as a child, not an adult. The person saying that is simply playing the same game as the person insulting you. Many who are actually in the wrong use this response to deflect from their own wrong and responsibility to assume their error. A response like that is intended to invoke a defensive or angry response...unless you're reprimanding a child! So, watch out for that one...you may just start a big, big fight!
Silence is way more effective. Insults are to get a hurt reaction. Not getting one changes the power balance. Watching someone utterly embarrassed as you silently make eye contact is liberating.
I love this thank you. It's difficult to take a breath and remember when the anger and urge to retaliate immediately rises. My problem is taking the offence away with me and ruminating defensively in my head.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV But you have to say the entire line for it to work, not merely "thank you" - if just "thank you", it has the complete opposite effect.
Elenore Roosevelt once said, "No one can insult you without your permission" Meaning that if someone insults you and you decide to be offended, you have given them permission to insult you. No response is ok, but I usually just laugh. When I laugh the look on the insulter's face changes from confidence to shock and embarrassment.
This video is so insightful and immediately helpful! I wish I had read it two months ago. Maybe your last suggestion will retrieve me somewhat. Thank you.
I LOVE this idea to laugh. I just imagined that happening and I laughed so hard it surprised me. It was GREAT! Thank you for that suggestion to just laugh. How totally unexpected that would be by the insulter and would catch them completely off guard! Praying that I remember this.
I appreciate the "okay"/"thank you" advice. I realize it comes from a logical place, but there came a point when, after being insulted several times over on a variety of occasions, I had to look the insulter in the eye and say enough is enough or I'll knock you on the ass. (Okay, the latter was more implied than succinctly expressed, but the insinuation was unmistakable.) This may not have been the wisest move, but the insults stopped. Sometimes there comes a point when being nice or nonchalant simply doesn't work. It only encourages the bully to keep bullying. By putting the insulter in his/her place, you might make that person think twice before insulting someone else.
I don't know you but think we'd be besties! You can also try "Barn door's open" and glancing toward their fly which is what I said to my boss when he was yelling at me one day. Kinda stopped the rant in its tracks. I still laugh when I think of it.
i was a very meek, mild, introverted girl growing up whenever i said nothing, which due to introversion was usually, people (quite often my family, because i was the 'least favorite' child - my older bro being mom's fav and my younger being my dad's) ramped up the insults because they realized i wasn't standing up for myself.
I agree. Saying nothing when you are scapegoated and/or emotionally bullied is often seen by family members as weakness. I think this advice is best applied to adults who are dealing with colleagues, friends, strangers. I think family dynamics and/or youth Aren’t necessarily served by consistent silence. Good luck with it. Many blessings.
In a family situation, I think it might be best to say "does that make you feel better"? Or "why do you need to say such things to me'? I agree that sometimes family members will just step all over someone who stays quiet.
Man, there is just no excuse for bullying in a family. My father was a serious contender for the Worst Parent Ever award, and even he didn't tolerate that mess. Of course, the steps he took to stop it would be considered child abuse today -- and maybe back then too -- but he stopped it. If you're curious, he'd bully the aggressor until they cried, and then turn and berate the victim for not standing their ground until they cried, belittle everyone for crying, and then tell everyone that if he saw this $#@! again he'd give them something to cry about.
I think the root of all this is that giving a response adds fuel to insulter's anger (or flaming ego!). Also, giving a unresponsive glance at the insult-thrower is like holding a mirror up and saying "Look at yourself.. you're better than this! What's wrong with you?"
My nephew responded to a classmate’s insult of “you’re a weakling” when he was struggling to push something, with “you’re a weakling at being nice.” SOLID. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Excellent!!
I yawn. I also love it when I give them no ammunition, they always come back "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that" or "I just meant..." I just shrug and say "No, it's a good idea to let people know who you really are."
Say nothing, maintain eye contact, and shrug your shoulders. This really pisses off people who are waiting to use your own words against you and tell others about what you said. This gives them no ammo against you. I did this to a bully manager because I had seen him do it before to his boss. I was mirroring him. He didn’t realize it. It came off as if I was in control despite his nasty comments to me. When you no longer fear the bully, the bully fears you.
Practicing grey rock with my narc ex and after quite a while I must admit I started taking a little bit of joy out of them raging even more over me not reacting as they expect. Ensures me even more that I'm doing that right. Means: stick with it. Haters gonna hate.
I just discovered your channel and I loved this video so much!! I have a story to share - I once got very insulted by someone who is close to me. I felt angry and upset. In my community we are taught to try to see the perspective of the other before we judge them. I tried that in that moment, but my anger was still bubbling inside of me. And then I said to myself - "forget it, nothing is helping to get rid of your anger. You are angry, and that is it!" What I did in that moment was acknowledge the fact that I was hurt. And then something amazing happened - I felt emotionally and spiritually uplifted. It was as if the anger has floated away. I realized that this was because I gave myself empathy! This was an "AHA" moment for me. I realized that in order to get rid of anger and hurt it really helps to acknowledge it and "look it in the eye" by NAMING the negative emotion. If you read until here - Thank you!
I did all of these things recently and the other person who was trying to trigger me, insulted me, wanted me to go off actually got so damn mad that I did these things like simply do nothing, say 'ok' etc. The more I was calm & silent the more angry she became. She really showed her arse which was funny cause her intent was to trigger me and make me lash out at her. It felt great!!
I really needed this today. I am a very kind person who grew up always saying thankyou. I need to learn to stand up more for myself. I get hurt so much.
@FrancesBez people insult just to hurt others. It doesn’t mean what they said was true. But if ur sad that this even exists, I agree. I want to find out how to end it.
A coworker criticized a work project I had finished and I became defensive and called him a nasty name. His response shut me down in a hurry and has always stayed with me. He simply responded, "I can live with that".
I love how you explain how those responses mean. I have been trying to get less uptight and be more calm, and it really struck me as funny at how simple it is to just respond politely. Thanks for being you!
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Hehe! My weak paraphrase does not do the original justice! You might like my OP on handling insults to intelligence that I am about to write.
I’m in shock someone could find anything negative to comment on your awesome videos, this is great teachings that you give us. Thank you so much! Thank you Dr Paul! You’re beyond magnificent!
Thank you Dr. Jenkins! As a survivor of workplace bullying/harassment I can say these techniques make allot of sense and are powerfully pragmatic. Unfortunately for me, they come too late and I wish I had had your coaching long ago!
Thank you for mentoring us with these resources. I grew up with abuse, my mother was a Narcissist who would explode with screaming rage on a hair trigger behind closed doors, and was fake-nice and antagonistic when she wasn't asleep. My father was her ensnared and trauma bonded husband, who would buckle at the knees like he'd been hit, at these onslaughts of screaming fury. There was never a respectful discussion in my family, so I draw a blank in knowing what to say in any conflict situation. I very much appreciate hearing and learning from mentors like yourself. I can practise these words, and carry them with me at work, so I can stand my ground.
I was once told that I had “the class of a cheap shitcan” by my executive officer when I was in the navy. He said it in front of all the officers on the ship. I said nothing, I just smiled. Another officer laughed because of my non response, which further infuriated the XO. Good times!
The comments are full of gems! I have one as well: "Excuse me, I didn't hear that. Can you repeat?" - and then ask again what they said till they give up.
I used to defend myself, but now I look at who's accusing or insulting me. And I found that no one deserves an explanation because they just aren't worth the trouble.
Doesn't work though when the accusers are officials/authorities who are writing a bunch of lies about you in your file to make sure no other agent/official takes you serious either. Happens to me all the time.
But why are you sorry?? Don't say sorry. As if its your fault. Say: Wow you're having a bad day today. Hope it gets better. But Sorry? After what they said? Hell no! I mean, not unless you accidentally stepped on their feet as you walked by. Then yes, sorry would definitely be appropriate. Other than that, never apologize for something you haven't done.
To take it a step further, get a concerned look on your face and ask them if they are having some personal problems they need someone to talk about with.
Thank you! This information came at such a great time for me. 1. Say nothing 2. Say ‘Okay’ 3. Say’Thank you’ ( they self identified they are not of you tribe) 1. identify 2. Verify 3.accept……Excellent material
I think real narcissists require special treatment. Their insults are not casual, they are weapons used in a very purposeful strategy. And if you are the focus of such a strategy you better do something about it, because you are in danger....
@@Lozie82 me too narc mom, and so many others beside us, i guess it is a test we have to go through, happy to have survived them (brother and sister too)
My favorite has always been, "Thank you for that. I'll alert customer service so they can properly process your insult." I say it calmly with a little smile and a head tilt. A little sarcasm helps my sense of adventure for dodging buttholes.
My mother's best friend would say to people who insulted her "I'm sorry your having a bad day". She told us that it puts the problem back on the person who insulted you. I use it all the time and it is very effective.
Fantastic 😆
I will use it!
How about, “I am going to pray that you have a better day!”?
Thats actually a cool response. Takes the wind out of their sails and shows you're a caring compassionate person at the same time.
That is my absolute favorite. People’s jaws drop. They’re expecting a fight. They are speechless.
Our grandson started high school this year, a boy was teasing him saying he was fat our grandson’s response was amazing he just said “ I don’t care what you think of me” and walked away. That boy doesn’t bother him anymore, we were all very proud of the mature way he handled the situation. Our grandson is a legend.👏👏👏👍👍🥰🥰🥰
Paula Estcourt, he will go far in the world.
Epic response! Kudos to your grandson -- and the people who raised him.
hee, good for him! A mentor of mine has a saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business."
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Forgot to mention it in the video. I've gotten further with "I don't care" than I have with saying nothing, especially with people who aren't necessarily able to infer what "okay" or "thank you" would actually mean in this context and only know it as an acknowledgement that whatever he/she said is true, and who also know that silence definitely means admitting defeat.
Yeah, he is!
“What you think about me is none of my business “. I love that one.
Cindy D, so do I.
My therapist always tells me this one!! Love it!
@@kimmyball4961 that’s exactly where I heard it too. Lol I think they are onto something 🙏🏼
🤣🤣😭😭😭😭
I didn’t hear him mention that one but I still fancy it nonetheless. Cheers 😊
When my ex friend was bullying me and I said thank you it worked. She was so angry that she didn't get a rise out of me. I genuinely thanked her for being honest with me about she felt. She went ballistic and hung up. We don't talk anymore and that's honestly a blessing.
Christine, sounds like it may be working well for you.
I had a good buddy who used to say with real sincerity. “Life must be hard for you, I’m so sorry”. Takes the wind out of most aggressors sails.
Paul Burkholder I think that is the best one for a school bully or any bully.
I really like that one.
Try that against Arselmo or Long Island Audit or Amagansettpress or Silence Boy or American Amy or News Now Houston or SVG and see how far you get.
@@slapdashdumper I think you missed the point.
@@paulburkholder9690 No Paul , if one was dealing with decent people then these situations wouldn't arise in the first place.......you have to realise that "When you are dead, you do not know you are dead, it's only painful for others - the same applies when you are stupid.”
My son was upset that a girl on his bus was teasing another boy about having a rather large rear end. It was in fact large for the boys size. Every
day she would call the boy bubble butt & most of the kids laughed. My son was always for the underdog & it
was upsetting him. I told him the next time it happened to say really loud YOU SURE SPEND A LOT OF TIME STARING AT HIS REAR END!
He said it & loud laughter insued. She never bothered the boy again.
*Cackles* good one!
I LOVE THIS! Your son sounds very kind and compassionate.
That is perfect! Your son is awesome.
😂😂🤣😂🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant response 🤣😂🤣😂👍🏻
Brilliant.
Insults, like gifts, remain with the giver when they are not accepted.
That is a good point! 👍🏼
Beautiful said. Thank u John Granato
Brilliant!
Perfect!
A loose take from a quote of Buddha... My quote is as likely as inaccurate, as well, lol:
If a man refuses to accept a gift (of an insult, etc.), whose gift is it?
It remains/belongs to the giver.
Roll it off like water on a duck's back...?
If one person says "___" about/to you?
What EVER, as the kids say.
If 2-3 say the same thing? Hmmm. Might give it some thought in your prayer closet.
If several peeps say the same thing? I/we/you are the common denominator.
HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!
Last time I walked on water was in the shower this morning, and bc the drain was half plugged.
OUCH!, LOL! 🤣✔🤣
I am not a Buddhist, but a follower of the teachings of Jesus Christ, a Christian.
However, that being said, there were and are many wise men and women around the World... those that teach us to be better, wiser people...
Hopefully...
⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
The Lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of sheep.
~ Tywin Lannister
BR, great quote.
That would be an awesome tattoo !!!
Top quote 👍
I love that🙌😁
"When you start paying my bills, I'll start caring about your opinion." Is one of my favorites.
Nunya Bidness, I like your screen name.
That's brilliant!!
Omg... Hi, cuz!
And, my laundry, maybe.
@baronflemp Huh? Oh. Nevermind.
I don't usually respond to aggressive/nasty people but I also like to use, "Are you okay?" then go about my business. The question usually confuses them. :-)
Love this response! It puts them a little off-center… points out there’s something wrong with THEM and their words/behavior has revealed that.
… I like that … ! … very effective …
Swiss American, confusion can work!
I like that reply.
Love this one
One of my favorites is to say, “I see where the confusion is - you think that I think your opinion matters.”.
Z Song EXCELLENT!
Golden 👌🏾
"Uve mistaken me for someone who gives a sh*t"
I saw a young lad at work taking it for 20 minutes straight from the resident bully. He got on with his work, said nothing, and when she had finished he calmly turned around and said; "I think you are confusing me for someone who cares what you think. However, thank you for sharing, I will be sure to forget it all instantly!" Not even 18 years old, bloody brilliant!
Z Song, that says a lot.
Most of the time, literally 99% of the time when people are purposely trying to insult, hurt, or bully you- it's them projecting. It's just a reflection of themselves and how they actually feel! In some sick way, it makes them feel better and it empowers them to try and bring someone else down.
Melissa Jarnigan, agreed.
It is true, i met a very mean man and ljke to insult people. One co workers told me his wife cheated on him with his besfriend and he is broke. Unhappy people try to hurt people.. you do not see happy and positjve people walk around and insult people.
@@eulabarredo5186 : . "you do not see happy and positjve people walk around and insult people." 100 percent true. Why? You're TOO happy and content with life to even come up and insult other people much more bully them.
To me it shows they are willing to get hurt until they actually get hurt
true. they feel utterly insecure and need control by making others feel the same.
"Defensiveness validates accusations." Love this!
myhrr3, so do I. I love this stuff.
My response is "That could really hurt my feelings, if you were someone that mattered!"
Bertaboop1955, that stings.
ooohhh nice i felt the sting! I like that response. I am going to use that!
👏💥👏
Fantastic 👏👏👏👏👏
@Bertahoop1955...Whilst that may sound clever it will produce a counter response and before you can blink you will be in a slanging match with this POS. Thus, as the guy in the video said, you will be giving tacit legitimacy to the original comment/insult. A simple "Thank You" may not sound as 'clever' but it is more disarming.
"You are over sharing again. Allow me to mind my own business."
Maria Barker, that's good.
"Thank you for showing me who you are at such an early stage in our acquaintance. Now I never have to think about you again. "
Thanks for watching.
Hey I love this one! As someone who has always been told my men that I'm "not good enough" as a friend/girlfriend/wife, I'll try that next time!
I remember in the movie “Billy Madison”, when Adam Sandler was insulted by a girl in his grade school class, he replied in a loud voice “No, I will not make out with you”. The girl got embarrassed and the entire class laughed. I made a mental note to use that line one day. It doesn’t matter how old you are, everyone will laugh
S Navillus, I didn't remember that one, maybe I never saw it. It is gold.
LOL….I gotta try that one! 😂😂😂
Actually in the movie they all thought he was an idiot and didn't laugh but I get just you're saying
I love that!
😳😂😂😂👌🏽
My motto is: Do not engage!
Esp if it's a complete stranger. Mental illness are far too common nowadays. I simply stare & smile... I stand my ground to prove I'm not intimidated. This forces the aggressor to retreat.
Chris Graham, thank you. We don't know the background of everyone.
On point! Just do not engage, Waay Too much mental illness out there, scary times!
That is excellent insight, about people who potentially have mental illness. We never know how someone will react....or over-react....or have a gun ....
in our culture in Algeria, the automatique response to a curse is a big punch with a fist on the face, there is no other responses.
but here in U.S with too much laws police etc, it makes itcomplicated and poeple need to make this kinda videos...again, if the culture alaws a physical response or violense to someobe who curses you, poeple will think twise or more before they curse anyone for minimum reason.
I tell them, " I love you as well" along with a big smile 😁
Dealing with narcissists (and many other types of a holes) a good one is "Observe - don't absorb".
Like looking at a shark in an aquarium.
How to not absorb?
@@billihawk368 Who knows, what could work for you. I'd suggest fx "I'm an author, and I'm here to study this subject, without him/her ever noticing that-mode", or "watching a movie".?
Love this.
@@billihawk368 do not accept their negative opinion to be truthful.
“What’s your point?” is a wonderful response to an insult.
Renee, agreed.
Except that sometimes when they detail their point they insult you further.
“Ok and thank You” are the very first English words I learned as a refugee in US….didn’t know it’s that useful.
Sylver Rain, I hadn't thought of it that way.
Don't forget "please"! Take a look at "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum, it's a beautiful summary of basic respect for others and learning to get along; I think you'll really like it.
@@goesfarfliesnear1447 There are a lot of US born native adults who could stand to read that book again too. Good call mentioning it here. :)
My son was teased at school, a kid called him gay. His response was "Thank you for noticing me."
NIce one
wow
Thank you. I didn't know that I was gay , until last night, when you started to make out with me. I feel so much better being out in the open, like you are. Thanks for outing us.
Wow. You're doing a great job with that kid. Good job!! I love seeing comments like this.
Look Harvey, look everyone,look at what I found!
I've always found a solid punch to the face without saying anything stops most insults.
beeorganic, can get you in other kinds of trouble, be careful.
Lol
Very funny. I like the idea of giving a person a good ass whoopin!! Back in the day used to work really well.
Yup, a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich !!
While I don't suggest violence is the answer, I have seen this work on a number of occasions, very effectively I might add.
Unfortunately often not responding to an insult is considered a weakness, in our culture, it may encourage further abuse.
True. I’ve had people say to me “oh so now you’re gonna ignore me? that’s so immature.”
I was bullied at school and followed my parents advice to try and ignore the bully - as if I was paying them any attention in the first place. My school life was miserable. All the bullying stopped in a flash when I lost it and punched a boy in the throat. Never happened again.
Know your culture and your audience.
Embrace the culture and think outside the box
You mean the culture of the last 4 years? That is not our culture. Jesus said turn the other cheek when you're attacked, same as strategic non response. THAT was our culture for the last 2000 years. Those who still follow JESUS....still have that culture.
The best comeback I’ve ever heard from was from my youngest sister when she was 5. She had just started kindergarten one of the other little girls told her “I’m not your friend” (A big deal in kindergarten.) My baby sister said “you don’t have to be my friend. I have friends”
She’s the youngest of 4 girls and we’re very close so she was absolutely right! She had us and I was so proud that she had the confidence to stand up for herself.
That is remarkable. I am sure it has served her well.
That's incredible...from a little girl! Thanks for sharing 🙋💞
What a wise little girl ☺️!!!
That’s actually a really mature response! Well played
WAW! What a smart little girl! I wish I were that clever when I was her age and got bullied in the school playground!
When you ignore insults time and again, the perpetrator considers that weakness and the bullying will only get worse. I did it for years with in-laws and struggle to regain my self respect after ignoring their remarks for 16 yrs
Right. Ignoring insults over time only teaches people how to treat you. Saying nothing probably works for a certain person in a specific position... I can't tolerate disrespect. They need to know a boundary was crossed so they have an opportunity to improve. If the disrespect continues I now know to disappear from their life as much as possible.
@@lookitstrent I agree, my husband is very negative and I always kept quiet not to start an argument but now its worse than ever . I can't take it anymore so I react by buying something. Its the only way he will stop. but part of the blame is on me too because i never reacted to it and it was now a habit of his.
@@lookitstrent Ignoring it teachers others how to treat you. Wise words. Ignoring could work fine on someone you met only once and won’t see again. This is toxic advice to use on repeat offenders like family, friends and colleagues.
@@denysephenix2349 doesnt Sound like a healthy relationship at all...why are you keeping it up?
Yeah. It can be really tricky. I suspect that the difference is whether there is a pattern of insults etc or whether it is merely incidental.
(When I became bullied as an adult migrant, here where I live, someone told me to just laugh along with it all, because that is what she did when she was bullied as a kid. I realised too late that that signals permission to continue.)
I recently learned this one, "Noted." And nothing else. Pretty much the same as ok.
Thank you for this video!
You're very welcome! I like that also.
Except that you have to be careful with that one - lots of people will take that as you admitting that they're right and will use it as fuel.
Haha! Love it!
We use that at my office in emails to insulting or aggressive clients where we don't want to engage- "Thank you for your email, the contents of which are noted".
Duly noted.
Somebody at work that I’m not close friends with: “You look tired.” Me: “Thank you.” Worked like a charm. I hope it caused them to rethink saying that ever again!
tmUSA, thank you for sharing.
‘Thanks. You, too’.
I’ve often used the expression ‘that’s interesting,’ when someone hurls an insult my way. I don’t expand upon it. Just say ‘that’s interesting,’ or ‘how interesting,’ or even just simply, ‘interesting.’ Then take the conversation in a different direction. It usually leaves them confused 🤔
And you gain control of the conversation, Ruth Jones. Brilliant.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Except some people take that to mean that they're right and that you're admitting that they're right.
@@SnowySpiritRuby which does not matter anyway.
@@costascostas1760 Except when it prompts them to keep hurling insults.
@@SnowySpiritRuby yes, don't you love it when they are wasting their time?
I practice the "say nothing" strategy because I won't sink to their level. It's not worth my breath or time.
T.T. Love, yes, life is too short. Use it where it will have more impact.
Saying nothings the best and then walking off. Why give time to someone who doesn't deserve it. You're way better than them.
Thank you so much for the wonderful advice!
Absolutely 💯%
I'm a pretty reserved person. I try to just not make eye contact if possible. I think alot of people assume what kind of person i am based on my looks. I know i tend to look unhappy. But I am a very creative person and alot of artistic talent and not at all what others think.
I say, “Wow.” and shake my head. That little word says so much and can have so many meanings.
So true!
That’s usually my natural response as well!
I usually say “okay”, shake head and roll my eyes, then just walk away.
I say that and a little chuckle with it to let them know that what they think and say is irrelevant to me.
"Thanks for making me a better person!" Golden phrase. It instantly puts their brain in a pretzel.
Love it!
"Oh really? That's nice."
That floors them every time.
Maybe just "Nice".
Glad you found something that works.
"You're not giving me a hard time, you're having a hard time."
Volunteryist, they probably are.
Thts good!!🤣😂😄
Not rly but u seem to be triggered, sorry i didnt mean to im just saying the truth ;)
I wish I heard this kind of talk long ago. Love the way you talk,slow and easy .My brain can't handle fast talkers,it shuts down.. This kind of thing should be taught in school. You are teaching an old dog new tricks ,many thanks !
@Will Abbott If you watch any videos that are too fast for you can slow down the speed with top 3 dots at top right hand corner of screen. Hopes this helps you with the enjoyment of more videos!😊
Fast talkers do my head in....mute them.
I know a couple who talk so fast. It's dizzying watching them go back and forth. Lol
@@phoenixkali Thank you , I'll try that next time 👍
Thank God people love slow speakers. I've often been told to speed up, lol.
I was called ugly as an 11 year old by a teenage boy. I was shy and just stayed quiet. My mother sat next to me as I was insulted and she did not stand up for me. She stayed quiet too. That changed my selfesteem, confidence and my relationship with my mother forever. I was called ugly twice after that (when my mother was not there) and I accepted the insult as a fact. I'm 30 years old today and I still feel ugly at times, but making sure I always stand up for my children.
A Av, you are the parent your children need. Thank you.
I don't even see anything wrong in being ugly.
@@PersonOfBook exactly, as long as you look the way you were ment too be!
It's being ugly on the inside that's the problem. Looks are just a wrapper.
I used to act like a fool & get loud when someone made me mad but as I got older & wiser thankfully,I realized when someone insults you especially when they dont even know you it says absolutely nothing about you and everything about them
So true!
Act a fool? Details
A good comeback that someone taught me once is to calmly and unemotionally ask, “what do you mean by that?” Gets the insulter every time. They are usually left stammering, backpedaling, or speechless.
Yep, that works.
that might work if you were also 23 stone, had PMT and a sawn-off shotgun
"Are you trying to be insulting ", I've moved on from that, including me, maybe you can also "
Doesn't work with a narcessist or sociopath. They're happy to go into minute detail of exactly what they mean. Never ask a toxic person to expound upon it when they're tearing you down.
@@themaggattack yea im with you on that 1. some people are very sharp and witty. im slow ( not stupid but slow to respond) so i dont win encounters with sharp quick thinkers. i think shutting it down is best
"You could be right" puts anyone back on their heels. They are totally unprepared for that response.
Jenna, yes, they are!
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Someone totally ripped apart every characteristic about me and how i needed to change and each point I just said "Yes" even when the points were becoming ridiculous. That really took the wind out of the person's rant after 5 points.
Jenna, you could be right :)
I used to work with this guy who could calm down any angry customer by saying three words: You're not wrong. Meanwhile, he would be so empathetic, nodding in agreement, and repeating those words if they kept ranting. They would eventually see that he wasn't yelling back and give up. Once they quieted down, he would then have the opportunity to offer something to make it right and they'd leave smiling.
That’s a very disarming response, I like it and will use it in the future.
I usually smile when they are insulting and finish it off with a laugh while saying "okay". It always has the desired effect.
Perfect.
A man tried to insult me by calling me fat. I replied,” Kudos on your observational skills. Do you feel better about yourself now?”
😂😂😂👏👏👏
Brilliant. Well done.
Fat girls rock
🤣🤣
Nice!
My best luck comes with “ What? Can you please repeat that?” Usually they can’t say it twice.
Especially if there’s a witness.
Linn S., that is gold.
That’s a fun gambit!
On the odd chance they CAN repeat it, you, too, should repeat saying what you just said: the method to the madness is being a parrot of something so simple and bland takes almost no energy from you, but each time they repeat it, it eats up their energy attempting to repeat it, and you can likely outlast someone full of bluster while your utterances use almost no mental, physical or emotional energy.
The real gold comes if they can’t keep it together and they explode in a random rage of utterances that can’t be translated into words. Sort of like the human version of a hurricane coming out of the ocean at F5 strength, and each time you ask them to repeat it, when they repeat it, it splits off into little tornadoes with heavy rain and eventually fizzles out into a good soaker.
Except some can, and will, even with witnesses, so careful.
@@SnowySpiritRuby let them repeat it.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV The if they do, I say “What?” again like I’m hard of hearing
and on from there until I do appear completely deaf.
My all time favorite is “and you’re telling me this because?”
I’ve never had any one fast enough to come back from that and then they look like an idiot.
VegasGuy1975, I can imagine it with the right facial expression.
The most powerful statement here “Be careful of what you do with it in your mind.” Mic drop statement.
motodfens, use it to serve you.
Love them thats what the Bible say
When my mom, was asked very personal questions, her responce was brilliant...... "why, would you want to know that ?"
Tina Mexico, I love it.
As my mother taught us growing up, she always said, "why do you ask?"
There have been times when the person has responded. The answers were quite entitled and completely obliterated normal social boundaries of course.
So then we discussed what that answer seemed to say and why it was inappropriate. 😄
That was one of my grandmother’s famous lines as well. Politely shut down busybodies. 😉
That or "why do you ask?" are good. I'll write that down.
The response I’d hear from expert busy bodies was “Why, are you so evasive it was just a friendly question to continue our conversation ?” Usually followed up by that person then telling others later how anti social and shifty said person was.
I usually say, " I can see that someone hurt you, do you need to talk about it?" That usually shuts them up real quick. And I don't say it because I care to hear who hurt them. I just want them to realize that hurt people hurt others, and they need to analyze why they are spewing such negativity!
R. Jelly, if they do decide to unload, you can refer them to Live On Purpose Coaches for coaching to help them.
Good job
or just reply "not sure where you have got that information from about me but you have been mis- informed, if you want to know anything you only have to ask me direct and if its something you need to know I will tell you but if its not your business I will also tell you.
A+
so true!
I’m a Vietnam vet with ptsd. For me a non response works. I used to respond with anger but a non response gives me time to calm down. This works for me.
I hear you... You saw a lot, much more than we were ever meant to see... You heard a lot....much more than you were ever meant to hear....Im so sorry .... I hate war .....Sisterly hugs
Gerald O'Hare, I thank you for your service.
Thank you for your service sir.
I’m a 60 year old woman with a temper, most likely from a terrible chaotic childhood. Family and friends are “afraid” of me because of my verbal jabs. But, I don’t like it in myself because while they usually deserve the reaction they get from me, it also raises my blood pressure. I want to feel more in control of my temper. Working on it.
@@Mexicobeanpole , Try not to respond. Think about the situation overnight. It will help. They don’t deserve your time or attention. It’s a trap you know so distance yourself from them. They want to upset you so do the opposite.
After watching, I like actually verbalizing "Thank you for revealing something about yourself which is useful to me" :)
That works.
My favorite "Does that make you feel better about yourself?"
Wild Olive. Gulp. That could bring someone up short.
What would you say to somebody who gives you the silent treatment to feel better about herself. She sort of weirdly love bombs everybody else and im like a ghost to her. Because she's the more dominant person i feel marginalised and very peripheral to the group now. Any advice? Something short.
@@SusanaXpeace2u It's a form of gaslighting you. It's a difficult situation because to the other people who aren't aware of the dynamic she's just being nice, that's how she'll remain in their mind unless she runs the same game on them, which is unlikely because they aren't the desired target, you are. Be careful not to attempt to defend yourself to them by trying to raise awareness and letting them know about the dynamic "She's only being nice to you to hurt me" That sounds pretty crazy right? That's exactly how you're going to sound and this will enforce the notion that it's you that has the problem. This is a difficult situation brewing and my advice is to distance yourself politely from the group. If it's a working environment, you're not required to be everyone's best friend, you're required to be polite and productive. It may hurt watching this dynamic grow, knowing what she's doing, why she's doing it, but that's a win for her too, because she's in your head rent free. If this is a social dynamic and "she" is a potential partner, the flag is already up. Walk away.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Yes I'd like to know that too :)
A good one during a huge verbal confrontation, especially someone being verbally aggressive, is to say the following, "Don't talk to me the way you talk to your wife/husband at home." Watch the look on their face. LMFAO You'd be surprised how fast that defuses the confrontation. In some cases they begin to act more civil.
I've learned to say, "Mom?" It's hilarious.
M K, that is too funny.
Awesome!!
I will sometimes say, "You're an amateur next to my mom".
@@annawimpey5307 just one word. Just one: "mom?" The reactions are so all over the place. lol
Lmaooooo ima try that
My response is "So?" because there is no comeback and you let the person know that whether or not what they said is true or not, you simply don't care. There's no comeback because normally NO ONE will want to start a fight. But it also conveys that you could care less what they think.
musicgirlsuz, Thank you!
Love that. Best of the lot.
I use that or “AND” sometimes follow it with “your point?” Because when you really don’t care it doesn’t matter
That's a good one, so.
Good response!
I have had a few "friends " that just love giving a few digs....I didn't react until after a time, I just walked away from those toxic relationships. Much happier without those "non friends."
Carleen Turner, good for you!
This is going to be so useful to me because people keep insulting me and I’ve probably being reacting the way they expect so they keep the insults coming. I’ll change my strategy now and give them nothing.
H. B.P sounds like a good plan. Let me know how it goes.
It’s not a bad idea to take a good Look at your self if people keep insulting you. Personally I like to know the point behind the insult. Asking for more information is enlightening to me and to the insulter.
Do be careful about the first three he mentions - silence is admitting defeat (depending on what the insulter thinks - yes, what the insulter thinks is key to whether this one works or not), and "okay" and "thank you" are actually acknowledging that the insults are true, thus giving them fuel for the fire, especially if the person doesn't understand tone of voice or facial expression (which applies to more people than you might think). Personally, I've found "I don't care what you think" to be the most effective for me - that's the only way I've ever been able to instantly shut people down - but experiment to find what works for you.
I feel the same about his first three. They haven't worked for me.
@@SnowySpiritRuby Yeah I agree antagonistic people are just chomping at the bit for an opening. Some people are relentless. My father in law's favorite line is -Well that's your opinion, you know what they say about opinions? They're like butt holes everybody has one. Lol only he's using much worse language. Never used it myself.
I only acknowledge and respond to what I have to. I usually just quick fire explain my way out of whatever they're saying and then tell them but hey think what you want, you're going to anyway. Then that's when I walk away, argument dismantled and de armed. At least for me with the antagonists in my life who are more petty and annoying than grown adults should be allowed to be.
My favorite response I have used: I look at them with a slight smile, as if they said something that revealed themselves more than identified anything true about me. Because it's TRUE. When someone insults you, they are revealing what type of person THEY are, NOT what type of person you are. Cheers.
So true!
I have a phrase written on a card on my desk: "If you wouldn't ask for their advice, don't accept their criticism." It's not a response to an insult, but helps me mentally process the insults when they come.
Love your positivity.
Ive been saying “oh, okay” for years when folks say triggering stuff. Didn’t know it was a tried and true tactic!
Regina Gray, you are a natural.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thanks!
I agree to the "being silent", BUT that could also turn out that the insulting person feeling he/she got me, that im speachless and they nailed it.
you could also shake your head and look as if you’re sorry for them.
I agree...as this has always been the case with me mainly stay quiet cos I'm so hurt and it's made me feel terrible and they see that and still happend ..in work. Out of work..so for some no matter what there is no getting away from it .
Try this: Silently look them up and down first. Then turn away and ignore. It let's them know that you heard them and you've assessed them, but they weren't worthy of a response.
@@kurarisusa also stare at the middle of the forehead not the eyes, they get paranoid you have seen something they can't see.
@@kurarisusa -- Thank you for this.
It's an _'upgrade'_ from the standard silent response which nonetheless shows them what you think (or not) but makes clear your feelings.
An advantage of any *silent response* (depending on the person and circumstances) is that you never get yourself in trouble for having said "...the wrong thing..." which may come back to haunt you later.
If people say negative things about my special needs son,
“You do realize when you say things like this, you are saying more about yourself than him/me right?”
Smita, just out of curiosity, try asking them if they're making as many millions as he is making online. "Ha! You're just jealous of the millions he is making on Amazon!" It might floor them and give them a different perspective on "special needs" because a lot of special needs also come with immense special talents, after all. (Does not matter whether the money-making part applies to your son or not.)
Nice!
@@I-talk-about-tough-topics yes! Honestly my son is the sweetest. Outside of his autism flair ups he is very calm. I’ll sometimes say “wow, my kid has way more kindness in his pinky than you have in you’re whole body!” He’s only 4 but I’m sure we’ll find his strengths soon!
Smita Nelson, speak the truth.
How can people be so cruel? That breaks my heart. I can't stand bullies and I hope karma bites them you know where.
Funny thing, when I say "ok" to people, they usually accuse me of being dismissive and insulting THEM, heh. I still say ok. :)
I've had that said to me as well. There's a difference in dismissive and choosing not to engage.
I simply say this,coz i think its more appropriate when someone ir someone we love insults us.
" IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE"
This how is responded nowadays.
Because i used to be a "NO RESPONSE AND OKAY AND THANK YOU to these insults but there are
times i feel to feel them how i felt so thats me right now.People day i've changed- NO IM NOT, i changed or switch my attitude towards people who is not knowing to behave themselves.
I like your main topic,its on point sir!
Good day to you
Just be like the dude on SNL Chad. His non chalant response is all one needs. uh OKAY
Yesss! Haha they get so angry!
John Aldred, it works!
My pastor will sometimes say, “Oh, you don’t know the half of it!”
I like him.
That's a good one lol
That’s fantastic!!
It’s now in my arsenal of responses.
Thank you.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV what if someone labelled me? How to respond carefully
If you know them: "I'd be insulted if someone other than you said it." If you don't know them: "Bless your heart."
Bless your heart cracks me up. I use it too. Yep my roots are showing. Lol
Love that expression. Learned it when I moved South!
Personal favorite
Love it.
Bless your poor, pathetic,black heart... There I fixed it.
My mom used to say “That’s not very nice to say”. It puts the blame back on where it belongs-on them. You aren’t defending yourself or taking pit shots at them. It implies that it’s okay for them to feel that way, but not okay for them to hurt you by telling you!!
I like the silent treatment tho. Silence gets uncomfortable and pretty soon they will be squirming!!
yes, I do that, and they think about it
That is a judgmental response and you are addressing that person as a child, not an adult. The person saying that is simply playing the same game as the person insulting you. Many who are actually in the wrong use this response to deflect from their own wrong and responsibility to assume their error. A response like that is intended to invoke a defensive or angry response...unless you're reprimanding a child! So, watch out for that one...you may just start a big, big fight!
@@sleepinglioness5754 interesting point
Silence is way more effective. Insults are to get a hurt reaction. Not getting one changes the power balance. Watching someone utterly embarrassed as you silently make eye contact is liberating.
@@sarahholland2600 I think so too.
I love how you talk nice and slow, it really helps to remember everything!
I'm so glad! Bunny Cow, I get quite a few comments about people complaining I talk too slow.
YES! Some content creators talk SO fast that I can't process the information and miss a bunch!
Amen. I guess we are just old school.
I agree.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV perfect tempo. I love your pauses. :) It gives us time to think about what you have just said.
I love this thank you. It's difficult to take a breath and remember when the anger and urge to retaliate immediately rises. My problem is taking the offence away with me and ruminating defensively in my head.
Mick Man Do, I understand that, give the offence time and then send it away. Mentally burn it or trash it.
I love that, "Thank you for giving me information about you, thats useful for/to me." The best line/thought ever.
It works!
@@LiveOnPurposeTV But you have to say the entire line for it to work, not merely "thank you" - if just "thank you", it has the complete opposite effect.
Elenore Roosevelt once said, "No one can insult you without your permission" Meaning that if someone insults you and you decide to be offended, you have given them permission to insult you. No response is ok, but I usually just laugh. When I laugh the look on the insulter's face changes from confidence to shock and embarrassment.
It was actually “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent “ - a subtle difference, but I find this even more powerful!
Oh I usually just tell them to "GET BENT!"....but with Stronger language!!!🤣😎
This video is so insightful and immediately helpful! I wish I had read it two months ago. Maybe your last suggestion will retrieve me somewhat. Thank you.
I LOVE this idea to laugh. I just imagined that happening and I laughed so hard it surprised me. It was GREAT! Thank you for that suggestion to just laugh. How totally unexpected that would be by the insulter and would catch them completely off guard! Praying that I remember this.
I do too. Laughing only TICKS them off more. I enjoy that part.
"I'm sorry but you have mistaken me for someone who cares about your opinion" is one of my retort lines .
And if it's from your boss?
Clever if it’s for someone I don’t know.
😂😂 so smooth
@@sarahmiller4084 Well I have had great bosses. I will cross that bridge when the time comes. If it ever does. Thanks for the thought.
I like that one but I think it's still gracing the hater with too many words.
I appreciate the "okay"/"thank you" advice. I realize it comes from a logical place, but there came a point when, after being insulted several times over on a variety of occasions, I had to look the insulter in the eye and say enough is enough or I'll knock you on the ass. (Okay, the latter was more implied than succinctly expressed, but the insinuation was unmistakable.) This may not have been the wisest move, but the insults stopped. Sometimes there comes a point when being nice or nonchalant simply doesn't work. It only encourages the bully to keep bullying. By putting the insulter in his/her place, you might make that person think twice before insulting someone else.
It is important to know your audience and it sounds like it worked.
Best reply is usually “opinions vary”
yes, don't engage.
Ahhhh Roadhouse...classic reaponse!!
Especially with the global news I like that one.
My favorite responses to insults:
“That’s awesome dude”
“You have a booger on your lip”
“I like peanut butter”
“You a funny guy”
You have a booger on your lip 🤣🤣🤣
@@natwest1971 I'll try that one too when the masks come off. Hahaha
I don't know you but think we'd be besties! You can also try "Barn door's open" and glancing toward their fly which is what I said to my boss when he was yelling at me one day. Kinda stopped the rant in its tracks. I still laugh when I think of it.
@@olivia0920 You have a booger on your mask!
“You have a booger on your lip” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I literally laughed at this for a straight 4 minutes 😂 genius response 👏
i was a very meek, mild, introverted girl growing up whenever i said nothing, which due to introversion was usually, people (quite often my family, because i was the 'least favorite' child - my older bro being mom's fav and my younger being my dad's) ramped up the insults because they realized i wasn't standing up for myself.
I agree. Saying nothing when you are scapegoated and/or emotionally bullied is often seen by family members as weakness. I think this advice is best applied to adults who are dealing with colleagues, friends, strangers. I think family dynamics and/or youth Aren’t necessarily served by consistent silence. Good luck with it. Many blessings.
I've had that reaction too. Their insult is a form of bullying. You need to push back on a bully.
In a family situation, I think it might be best to say "does that make you feel better"? Or "why do you need to say such things to me'? I agree that sometimes family members will just step all over someone who stays quiet.
Jucad vgv, glad you have the tools now to stand up for yourself.
Man, there is just no excuse for bullying in a family. My father was a serious contender for the Worst Parent Ever award, and even he didn't tolerate that mess. Of course, the steps he took to stop it would be considered child abuse today -- and maybe back then too -- but he stopped it. If you're curious, he'd bully the aggressor until they cried, and then turn and berate the victim for not standing their ground until they cried, belittle everyone for crying, and then tell everyone that if he saw this $#@! again he'd give them something to cry about.
I think the root of all this is that giving a response adds fuel to insulter's anger (or flaming ego!). Also, giving a unresponsive glance at the insult-thrower is like holding a mirror up and saying "Look at yourself.. you're better than this! What's wrong with you?"
That works!
I like the “don’t be jealous “ throw some confusion into the mix lol
Florida man, get them thinking, love it.
My nephew responded to a classmate’s insult of “you’re a weakling” when he was struggling to push something, with “you’re a weakling at being nice.” SOLID. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Excellent!!
Saved by Grace, showed what is important in life.
I yawn. I also love it when I give them no ammunition, they always come back "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that" or "I just meant..." I just shrug and say "No, it's a good idea to let people know who you really are."
Missymousie, thank you for watching and commenting.
Say nothing, maintain eye contact, and shrug your shoulders. This really pisses off people who are waiting to use your own words against you and tell others about what you said. This gives them no ammo against you. I did this to a bully manager because I had seen him do it before to his boss. I was mirroring him. He didn’t realize it. It came off as if I was in control despite his nasty comments to me. When you no longer fear the bully, the bully fears you.
Mel-Ka Om, Thank you.
My personal favorite is, "Yes, I love you too."
Perfect.
I use "okay" for a long time, it made them more aggravated because prolly they are expecting some reactions.
Andy Android, yep, don't give them the reaction.
Practicing grey rock with my narc ex and after quite a while I must admit I started taking a little bit of joy out of them raging even more over me not reacting as they expect.
Ensures me even more that I'm doing that right.
Means: stick with it. Haters gonna hate.
100% true. The same old " If you want piace prep for war."
Prolly.??is that a typo or you wrote it because that’s how you talk?
@@evelynfredericks4397 The way things are going, prolly will probably replace probably in language use!
I just discovered your channel and I loved this video so much!!
I have a story to share -
I once got very insulted by someone who is close to me. I felt angry and upset. In my community we are taught to try to see the perspective of the other before we judge them. I tried that in that moment, but my anger was still bubbling inside of me.
And then I said to myself - "forget it, nothing is helping to get rid of your anger. You are angry, and that is it!"
What I did in that moment was acknowledge the fact that I was hurt.
And then something amazing happened -
I felt emotionally and spiritually uplifted. It was as if the anger has floated away.
I realized that this was because I gave myself empathy!
This was an "AHA" moment for me. I realized that in order to get rid of anger and hurt it really helps to acknowledge it and "look it in the eye" by NAMING the negative emotion.
If you read until here -
Thank you!
You are very welcome. Glad you are in our positive community.
WE thank you for sharing a very special insight ! A great lesson!
that's wisdom! fully agree with you, self compassion heals, it is so powerful!
I did all of these things recently and the other person who was trying to trigger me, insulted me, wanted me to go off actually got so damn mad that I did these things like simply do nothing, say 'ok' etc. The more I was calm & silent the more angry she became. She really showed her arse which was funny cause her intent was to trigger me and make me lash out at her. It felt great!!
So Done, awesome!
haha wow bravo!!!
I like “well for you that’s a compliment, so thanks”
Lyd h, that could work since they didn't mean it as a compliment.
I really needed this today. I am a very kind person who grew up always saying thankyou. I need to learn to stand up more for myself. I get hurt so much.
You got this! Frances Bez, kind people can be respected. You got this.
@FrancesBez people insult just to hurt others. It doesn’t mean what they said was true. But if ur sad that this even exists, I agree. I want to find out how to end it.
I so agree Frances, That kind people can be respected.😃
Also, to try to stand up for ourselves, identity, and take polite action for our feelings as well.Hope this helps
sac up
That thing about saying thank you works, sometimes when someone says something really harsh, I thank them, for showing me who they are.
photoshop girl, that is good choice.
A coworker criticized a work project I had finished and I became defensive and called him a nasty name. His response shut me down in a hurry and has always stayed with me. He simply responded, "I can live with that".
That is good.
My personal favorite “I’ve been called worse by better people”
I love how you explain how those responses mean. I have been trying to get less uptight and be more calm, and it really struck me as funny at how simple it is to just respond politely. Thanks for being you!
You are welcome.
That’s a great one! 😂
This is my favourite response. Thanks 😊
"You clearly don't know me well. If you did you would say much worse." :)
Bryan Hann, that is funny.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Hehe! My weak paraphrase does not do the original justice!
You might like my OP on handling insults to intelligence that I am about to write.
@Bryan Hann....I like 👍that answer. I'm going to use it 😊
🤣🤣🤣
Not s good one in my book
I’m in shock someone could find anything negative to comment on your awesome videos, this is great teachings that you give us. Thank you so much! Thank you Dr Paul! You’re beyond magnificent!
I appreciate that! Thanks for being a part of our community.
Thank you Dr. Jenkins! As a survivor of workplace bullying/harassment I can say these techniques make allot of sense and are powerfully pragmatic. Unfortunately for me, they come too late and I wish I had had your coaching long ago!
diverbob33, I am sure it will come in handy in the future as you rebuild from the experience.
Survivor? A little dramatic.....
@@DrJ-hx7wv Workplace bullying takes many forms and is destructive.
what do you mean too late?
Thank you for mentoring us with these resources.
I grew up with abuse, my mother was a Narcissist who would explode with screaming rage on a hair trigger behind closed doors, and was fake-nice and antagonistic when she wasn't asleep.
My father was her ensnared and trauma bonded husband, who would buckle at the knees like he'd been hit, at these onslaughts of screaming fury.
There was never a respectful discussion in my family, so I draw a blank in knowing what to say in any conflict situation.
I very much appreciate hearing and learning from mentors like yourself. I can practise these words, and carry them with me at work, so I can stand my ground.
Sounds like a terrible way to grow up. Hope you're doing better.
Sorry you have to go through that, Caroline R, and glad that you are choosing something different for your life.
Wow, that was powerful, thanks for sharing.
Props to you for surviving that, and for recognizing that there's a better way. Cheers!
@@wmluna381 thank you for your kindness 🥰
I’ve always responded with “I guess it’s a good thing I don’t give a *bleep* what you think”.
That works.
I was once told that I had “the class of a cheap shitcan” by my executive officer when I was in the navy. He said it in front of all the officers on the ship. I said nothing, I just smiled. Another officer laughed because of my non response, which further infuriated the XO. Good times!
Thanks, Steve.
surprise ABNOXIOUS look....Turning to SMUGG...sheepish closed elongated Closed Lip smile ...awesome....+ in category of = DEFLECTION
Wow, your executive officer sure knew how to get the best out of those under his command (sarcasm).
The comments are full of gems!
I have one as well: "Excuse me, I didn't hear that. Can you repeat?" - and then ask again what they said till they give up.
Kate Boo, annoy them? It could work.
I used to defend myself, but now I look at who's accusing or insulting me. And I found that no one deserves an explanation because they just aren't worth the trouble.
Amen.
PertNearFedUp, thank you for commenting.
Or you could simply say the truth, "I'm afraid that remark says a whole lot more about you than me." Then walk away. Double win!!!!
Doesn't work though when the accusers are officials/authorities who are writing a bunch of lies about you in your file to make sure no other agent/official takes you serious either. Happens to me all the time.
The idea to say thank you for telling me something about you that helps me-love this!
It works.
My favorite is” Wow, you’re having a bad day today, I’m sorry”
Katie Antique, yes, I like that one.
great
But why are you sorry?? Don't say sorry. As if its your fault.
Say: Wow you're having a bad day today. Hope it gets better.
But Sorry? After what they said? Hell no! I mean, not unless you accidentally stepped on their feet as you walked by. Then yes, sorry would definitely be appropriate. Other than that, never apologize for something you haven't done.
To take it a step further, get a concerned look on your face and ask them if they are having some personal problems they need someone to talk about with.
@@AlvaBarr true, could also sound condescending. (sorry = pitty)
Thank you! This information came at such a great time for me. 1. Say nothing 2. Say ‘Okay’ 3. Say’Thank you’ ( they self identified they are not of you tribe)
1. identify 2. Verify 3.accept……Excellent material
Thank you, Anita.
I like the reply "how does this help me?"
To a narcissist, silence is permission.
And it clarifies so much.
I think real narcissists require special treatment. Their insults are not casual, they are weapons used in a very purposeful strategy. And if you are the focus of such a strategy you better do something about it, because you are in danger....
@@edzejandehaan9265 You just described my dad. I can only handle visiting him once a year.
@@Lozie82 I am sorry to hear that.
@@Lozie82 me too narc mom, and so many others beside us, i guess it is a test we have to go through, happy to have survived them (brother and sister too)
My favorite response is, “I’ve been called a lot worse by a lot better people.”
Mine too!
David Wilson, that works.
No point putting yourself down, sometimes saying as little as possible gives you more leverage
@@elisatseng6286 depends on the situation..a little self-depricating humor can be disarming.
So how does that not invite "worse" people to call you "worse" things? That doesn't make any sense.
My favorite has always been, "Thank you for that. I'll alert customer service so they can properly process your insult." I say it calmly with a little smile and a head tilt. A little sarcasm helps my sense of adventure for dodging buttholes.
Lmfaoooo
Faith, thanks for the input.
My blood pressure just lowered and I am sure I will avoid a huge headache today.... LOVE!!!
Perfect!