I am so incredibly grateful for all your videos, the Daily Practice and the membership! ❤ I am also incredibly grateful, that I found you a year ago, when I was 19 years old. The Daily Practice helped me to get out of a marriage that I never wanted to get in (people pleasing plus “freeze mode“ made me get into it). And much more. ❤
Jesus Christ is the lover of our souls. He, alone, can bind up the broken-hearted. He is our Comforter, Wonderful Counselor! God formed us in our mother’s womb and He knows our innermost parts. He is the author and perfecter of our faith. He gave us life! He loves us! We are all broken, corrupt and fallen and without hope but for Jesus Christ! Let Jesus consume your life and you will have a peace you’ve never known before! He will replace your heart of stone with a heart of flesh, for all have fallen short of His standard. He is rich in mercy! You will be forgiven your sins against God and be saved from destruction on Judgment Day! Jesus is Lord and He is coming back soon! The day of Salvation is TODAY!
My current method for avoiding shitty people is taking notes on how they interact with other people. You gossip about other people? Noted. You ghosted your ex? Noted. You have a toxic relationship with your partner? Noted. I keep my tabs open when I'm around these people, and structure my behavior around them. If they gossip, I don't give my personal info. If they ghost people, I keep the relationship shallow. If they have toxic relationships with certain people, I avoid being around those people. I basically try to make it impossible for them to pull shit on me. But ofc I'm not bullet proof & if they pull that same shit on me, I just leave &/or distance myself. I don't have time for games.
A guy I was dating told me he recently cat sat for his toxic ex and I said so you are friends? He said they weren’t on good terms. He told me she was mean and I’m like why are you letting her still boss you around? Before I came over he told me he had to clean up all the cat hair and he was basically freaking out. I felt like he was hiding something else. I wish I would have asked why he was helping someone he supposedly didn’t get along with. Whenever I start dating someone I make a list of my red flags and I try to decipher if it’s a red flag or my trauma. I try to give it a month before I decide if I should continue to see this person. I’ve been love bombed so many times now I go back and ask myself if they are doing that or genuinely interested.
I'm getting to be this way as well. I got tired of the stress around such people and realized that I start acting in ways I don't like when I allow THEM to stress me out. So now if I just remove myself, it's so much better.
I recently had a 1st date after talking to a gentleman for 1 week. A red flag for me was that he told me personal information about his ex-wife. He told me her first name(and I assume she may still have his last name), her age, what city she lives in and that she was SA as a child. That let me know that I could never share any personal information with him, and he is not a safe person. 1st and last date.
It sounds like he overshared either because he's nervous or he just put a lot of his story out there quickly because he's been dating and gets frustrated with getting to know someone. I feel like that would be what I do if I ever started dating again. Maybe you should have given him a second chance.
@@justmejenny7986I don’t think so , she did the right thing. If he mentions his ex wife on their first date, he is NOT over her period. I know this from experience.
@@justmejenny7986 Perhaps up to a point, but the sharing of his ex's personal details smells like manipulation/abuse tactics to me. I promise you your tendency to overshare and what this man was doing are coming from two different places. People, often men, can use performative vulnerability as a tool to try to extract vulnerability from the women. The recipient thinks the speaker is 'genuinely' vulnerable and takes their stories at face value, but the real story isn't anything like what they portrayed.
Of all the counseling, advice from well meaning people, mentoring and discipleship I have received in my life, you are the first person to actually give tangible, doable instructions on how to walk into a relationship correctly and safely. Coming from trauma, we so much need for someone to speak in a way that understands we have believed wrong from the beginning. Even though we are adults now, we still need to be taught the basics that people without traumatic childhoods were either taught directly or learned intuitively by witnessing good examples. Thank you Anna for all you share.
I love having her as a resource to send to folks who are struggling with this stuff for exactly that reason. She's not just talking about it in the abstract. She's got concrete, actionable steps to take, and that's so incredibly helpful.
Yes! This is what makes her an important tool in the recovery process for narcissistic abuse! I have 4 or 5 channels on narcissistic abuse that I follow. This is the only channel that isn’t a mental health professional with the degrees and labels that we are supposed to be able to trust. Each one is a unique tool helping me in their special way. This channel though has the most actionable help hands down!
The problem is there just aren’t enough caring, goodpeople around these days. So you talk yourself into accepting parts of people just to have something, some part of them maybe you can get something from. Like “okay, she doesn’t like my dogs, she never reallytakes any interest in me ( in the case of a potential friend) but maybe she’s someone who I can go to a concert with, because I like to hear live music now and them. You settle. I’ve always said that finding good friends in midlife is like trying to find good produce in a grocery store on Sunday night.
doesn’t like my pets? I can go to concerts alone instead! 🤘 yea sometimes have done this but I always resent it very quickly so it’s actually better for everyone involved not to go into all that. I don’t mean be endlessly demanding and expect most your needs to be met in one person. I just want be careful about not gaslighting myself that something is ok just because there is nothing better around, when it actually is “crap fitting” as Anna puts it and I cannot tolerate that situation for too long. wishing everyone a good week!
There are good people but you can't find them if you're willing to keep toxic people around. Good people with healthy boundaries will flee from toxic people, and those around them, to be safe.
I made my daughters number one, and did not have the social life many parents have, but was engaged in children's sports, you name it we were involved. But in the end, given all my love, they chose to live their lives without me and reject me in my old age of 64. I can't understand the way of the culture these days yet I will still follow Jesus.
Predators see this response from a mile away. My mother had this response whenever someone molested her daughters, she responded with instant blindness and deafness and anger at her kids for daring to cry out. I had to grow up to understand that she had been thru severe trauma herself that programmed her to freeze and actually protect the abuser, although she insists her childhood was "perfect". Insanity.
Chaos and fear cause brain stress. You learn to second guess the obvious. Desire to connect makes dangerous and destructive people look interesting if they are somewhat friendly and manipulative. Loneliness drives risk and denial.
I've started to block people out that I later find out are unreliable, untrustworthy, or toxic. I used to think I had to be "loyal" and long-suffering. I'm getting better at identifying hurtful people earlier and earlier in my contacts with them. The discernment is like a muscle that's getting stronger little by little.
@@Leila550 I had a conversation with an unreliable "friend". I was like: I dont know what to do when 1 week passes and you dont see my whatsapp message". She was like:" if you are not happy with this, we cannot be friends". At that moment, I knew she was just a casual one for me.
Yes!!! I struggle with the long-suffering, loyal through it all, martyr-like mentality too, like I deserve to be taken advantage of and abused because it’s the righteous path or something. I am learning more & more how to stay gentle and kind, but not make myself available for mistreatment
Plus, when you're brain screamed 'This isn't Safe' as an abused child, yet adults who said I was wrong, so, growing up knowing red flag feelings were wrong (but were not).
This was a mistake on my part, but I was told to look to "meet people in recovery," only to find them just as damaged as I was. This isn't the best advice you'll ever get. Relationships like that sometimes work, but most often, both parties bring toxic stuff to the table.
Yes, people in recovery groups are damaged, but so are lots of people “out there”. Difference is that in the recovery groups, the people acknowledge there are problems and they want to have a better life. We all have messy baggage of some type. Some are just more toxic than others. Wishing you well finding the person who is a good fit for you! (((hugs))) 🙏🏼 🇨🇦
I've noticed the same! If the foundation for the relationship is shared trauma and for example not a love for music or nature it often becomes fragile, unfortunately
Some ppl I meet and foolishly trust in recovery are superficially nice. Once I get vulnerable they come in for the kill and their true nature comes out. Not a safe place to heal.
I remember a day my red flag detector was working. The man I was on a date with asked too many questions about my young children, so I ran out of the restaurant. I wish I were as protective of myself as I was of my young children.
four steps of healing: 1. Be clear. Write down what you want in a relationship and a partner and what you don't want. Name the flags (e.g. untrustworthy, inappropriate) of the people in your life and compare with your list of what you want. 2. slow things down and be deliberate. Act opposite of hurrying which is a CPTSD symptom. 3. Shine sunlight on the problem areas of your life 4. Use daily practice to clear the gunk in your thinking
When I was four years old, my mother forced me to play with a little boy who was aggressive, violent , simply disturbed. He destroyed my toys and one day nearly killed me. Still , my mother insisted on my being with him, thereby "teaching" me to be with destructive people. And her teachings worked just fine : been with toxic people all my life, don' t even know what sane feels like...watching this video gave me a headache because I am starting to see that there might be a whole different way....😢🚩🚩🚩🏳️🏳️🏳️🏳️🏳️🏳️
@@birdlynn417 Yes, and there were other, dangerous situations, even when I was a tiny baby, where, really, she should have protected and not exposed me to danger and violence. I know now, that she herself was traumatized as a child - but has -to this day- never owned it ...And this is what happens with denied trauma : you inflict it on others...She was - and still remains - totally unconscious of what she is doing...
@@mellifergold I am sorry to hear that and that happened to you. I suppose is all our lives we have situations where we "should have" or "could have" done better or differently, but didn't. We expect such perfection from our own parents who were not perfect and hurt us where even they could be sorry for what they did, yet we either forgive them or not, because they are who they are and probably did the best they could. I like to remember and see all the positives about my mother as much as I can, because not all of her was negative to me when I was a child.
@@birdlynn417 For me it was the other way around - I saw only good in her, totally ( being co- dependent) and only now , finally, after so many years of wondering what was going on with me, now realizing that it is cptsd from such an early age, I start to see her more realistically - and need to keep my distance ( as her ways are toxic to me - which I could not see before )
Mine did the same thing. Forced "nice boys your own age" onto me, even after I told her that the 'nice boy' tried to r--- me, or that I caught him in the midst of cheating with the toxic friend NPD mom also forced upon me....I was told that I was just making things up, or imagining them, and besides I was too fugly to be SA'd anyway.... I didn't even recognize SA when it was happening to me as an adult, thanks to that monster.
I am alone... no people. Alone. A hermit. I will be 70 this year. I am used up and no one even tries to get close to me anymore. But Im happy this way... most days.
I’m alone too , no friends not very many people for weeks & months at a time, approaching 60 but extremely happy & safe. I’m finally healed of ALL TRAUMAS . Not really a hermit but would much rather enjoy my alone time, my pets , my projects & my peace. . . I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I overcame my broken red-flag detector when I realize that 'this feels familiar'. When I feel that, usually about 2 months in, I RUN!!! I am old enough to know better now that most people don't change (because it's hard, icky work) so it's not worth staying to 'fix' or 'help' them. This also means that I must embrace new-ness and unfamiliarity. I must welcome the unknown. I am still working on slowing things down so I learned to tell my partners that, "I really like you and don't want to screw this up so I want to take physical affection very slow at first." Stay very strong with your boundary!!! Good luck and God Bless!
I've learned some personal red flags. Hero-worship is a big one. If you have no flaws and you never do anything that aggravates me, or I think you're just a genius in some area of emotional intelligence and never make mistakes, that's a red flag. If you’re willing to talk about yourself (which is fine), but you’re not willing to share who you are, that’s another red flag. If you're not willing to let me talk about myself, or if I get the sense that you're not interested in who I am, red flag. A hard one to spot is if you value things _about me_ that are useful to you but don't value _me_, that's a big red flag.
I am and always have been an absolute MAGNET for users, liars and bullies. The issue is that I'm genuinely kind and caring and authentic and helpful and that attracts people who take advantage of me because they see me as weak, as opposed to attracting appreciative loyal people. I try to exercise discernment but unfortunately by the time you really see a persons true colours, they have already done damage because they are so sneaky.
What's truly sickening is how they destroy your reputation while you are going out of your way to be kind and forgiving of them and their own indiscretions.
People around me always tell me that I am a red flag detector because I am very observant, very self-aware and also aware of others and their feelings. I don’t know how but I just know I can tell if you are lying, if you’re playing etc. The thing is though, I can sense someone is not what they seem, I can tell they are manipulative or I can clearly see there is something off about them; but somehow I still get sucked into their games. This happened to me only once and it made me hate myself. I still feel so stupid and worthless. I am honestly ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid when it was so obvious? What I am trying to say here is that sometimes it is not enough that you can feel, sense or tell that there is something wrong about people if you don’t have the power to step back and distance yourself from those who are very clearly not good for you.
Thank you for this reminder! For the first time I can recall, I recently “stepped back” from an enticing invitation to casual dating. This man seems like a good person overall, and appears honest about what he is and is NOT offering. I still feel a “danger signal” regarding what would happen to my nervous system if I were to engage. I decided to remain within my original professional relationship with him, and avoid going beyond that, for now. I recognize that I am still intrigued, even as my nervous system tells me to just say no. I am taking the warning seriously, instead of ignoring or glossing over it like I would have in the past
girl, I relate so much ❤ and once things get too bad I wonder if I should just pull away or actually stand up for myself but don’t want to look angry or like I’m overreacting
Hi, I've been binge watching your videos. I recently got into a short-lived situationship and he eventually ghosted me at Easter. What I'm really struggling with isn't so much the fact I didn't see the red flags but that I ignored them. I was so desperate for the crumbs he was throwing me. I'm really hurting now and I'm feeling so ashamed for having brought this on myself.
@@ilsedemolder3973 He was very full on at the beginning and didn't show much interest in dating properly. Then once we'd been intimate he began to become less consistent and was very hot and cold. We didn't even share a cross word. Just one day he stopped replying. All the warning signs were there, I just had my blinkers on. I'd been single a long time
@@ilsedemolder3973 no, I actually met this man in real life by chance, not through internet dating or anything. All in all about 6 weeks before the ghosting. I'm not delusional, I know this wasn't a proper relationship but it's left me feeling shattered. Wish I could go back it time
It’s still damaging when she’s 62 and I’m aged 40 and still playing her sick twisted games. You call her out and she says it’s all in your head! Need to walk away from these people as they can and will make you crazy. Love to all ❤ *her = mother
The cure for gaslighting is to tell people your boundaries over and over and over. These good for nothing get their leverage by planting seeds of doubts. Do not feed them and give them the upper hand by questioning what they do. They can easily deny them even if they are already caught red-handed. Put the locus of control on you, see how the dynamics change. Believe in the power of your truth, show them you won't budge no matter what. Like they do. Don't go where they are, stay where you are.
My problem was telling these people (mother, dad, siblings etc) exactly how they hurt me, which of course I absolutely stupid, but I can see it now! It hurts that she purposely wants to hurt and punish me for nothing, just being me. I set my boundaries and have stayed strong not reacting to their lies, nor even communicated back to defend myself like I normally would, because I know now it’s always been their game to control and confuse me. It’s so sad to think my own blood have been doing this bs to me for years and I’ve allowed most of it to happen and held myself back for so long, even encoring illnesses as a result of all the continuous stress I’ve went through. No more. Thank you so much for this channel you have helped me break the spell and the unhealthy unnecessary toxic ties I had. Healing, love and peace to all ❤
@@redefinedliving5974 Amazing! Yes the truth is the truth and I would repeat that over to them as the truth always comes out in the end. I have completely taken myself away from them all and wow I can believe how much I have achieved by myself and better results, than listen and take in their judgments, controls and beliefs. You are so right!! Finally got my own power back and in control and responsible for me, and me alone. Take care 🩷 to all xx
@@leonablack3516 They do hold you done in that energy, you’re absolutely correct! I walked away and wow I have achieved so much, mentally, emotionally and progressively. They have reached out here and there with manipulation but I know it won’t ever change and I don’t want to be held down and back any longer, I have so much time to get caught up with and look after myself. Take care 🩷
Ah, the chicken-egg problem: the people who love you can use their red flag detector if yours is not working. The issue is if you start out with only hateful people, it's pure luck to get that initial circle of love going.
Thank you for this video. I go into isolation because i just can't tell anymore. I try to connect but then i get confused about whats actually going on.
Something that I found that helps me personally is my Two Questions: 1) How do I feel about myself when I am with this person? Do I feel confused, like I'm stupid? (red flag) Do I feel lucky and happy, calm and at peace? (green flag) 2) How do I think and talk about myself after having spent time with them? Do I put myself down, or fear I've done something that will make that person run away (red flag), or do I simply enjoy reliving the evening and look forward to seeing them again (green flag)?
Yes..my red flag detectors was broken for most of my life. I had the sick need to be connected to someone, any one just so that I’m not alone. I excepted bad pple in my life. I now realized my self destructive behavior came from childhood trauma, growing up with violence, spoken to very badly, saying words that hurt to a child. I now finally realize why I was numb took on so much abuse from everyone for no reason..I was numb to abuse n mistreatment n deep dwn I felt I deserve to be mistreated..No more!
I'm getting better. Was talking with a guy I liked, who seemed like a good character. When I got down to brass tacks and asked him what he wanted, he literally said "FWB" - age 65. That's what he's looking for. I noped out. Before, I would have told myself that he still had potential.
I wish I had found you 10 or 15 years ago. Now I'm hopeless, paralyzed and in bed, with nothing but bad memories of all the people who abused me for their own amusement. I never found good people, never had a family, it's just been rejection since my mother gave me up on day one.
You're able to find this channel, right? That's a good start. Our beliefs shape our reality, do not allow these people to dictate your future. Believe in yourself and your ability to heal.
I blame my mother. She made abuse normal, and there were a lot of people who weaponized my empathy. My ex best friend was an abuser, but she was so good at making me feel badly for her. However, that changed when I met my husband. He helped me escape them and I cut them all off over a decade ago. I was diagnosed with ptsd, and adhd, which explains a lot. But I’m thankful, because now I know what to look for to keep my own children safe.
same here, I dumped my friend of 50 years, after she made one epic remark which was way above the tremor scale of her self confessed "take me as I am i cannot change this is me, brutally honest better the devil you know" sales pitch for keeping her as a friend. I told her life is short and i prefer the company of people whose company I enjoy and who are respectful. Dumped n blocked...wow what peace, no regrets.
Had this occur with a job. After two weeks I could see why the company couldn’t keep employees. Thanked the manager, returned the keys and never looked back. The job market is horrific now so, it’s open season for abuse.
I quit my job last week! I stayed about 10 months. Saw a few come & go in a short time. I finally had enough of being treated like shit. Plus dealing with condescending narcissistic assholes.
I remember not reacting, like in my childhood, as you say it's like not being able to do so. It's terrible because you feel not respected but did not do anything. Now i can react but sometimes I don't know how.
Ahh, o.k., I understand, because later we process what happened or what ails us, and then know what to say, but it is too late, or the chance is not an option anymore, unless you actually want to bring it up with someone again to talk about, but if you know they really don't care about you, why bother? I just realize that the best thing to do for me, after it has been proven that I don't matter to (my sister), I just close the door and continue on with my life without her, as I already have been doing for so many years.
hahha. this was awesome. Thank you. Im so much better but years ago I had a run of bad narc partners. A grandmother of a friend turned her head and said, "Your chooser is broken" lol. This was a gift to hear and in looking back, She was right. :)))
I’m a nanny and I made friends with these two moms at the apartment complex “my kid” lives at. We’ve all become somewhat close and I’ll tell them about my other friends and they’re like, “syd… you need new friends, these do not sound like good people…” and it really didn’t click for me without hearing it from others (typical cptsd stuff too). I’ve had a lot of bad friends and of course romantic partners. For me, a theme is female friends who put me down and compete with me. I’ve had multiple friends tell me they would never date me. What kind of friends tell you that? I tell them how amazing they are and how lucky anyone is to date them. But then the other part of me thinks that I’m toxic so I attract toxic and that they’re right, no one SHOULD want to date me, I suck
The times I've let a narc in it's been down this - loneliness and loneliness denial. I had loads of friends but as an outsider introvert who had childhood trauma and an undiagnosed illness, I was deeply lonely but didn't know it
JJ&M-You just spoke to some deeeep stuff in me. Thank you- That defensive,hyperviggilance. And why. I felt you speak to that frightened lil one in me. Also-when someone tells you who they are, Believe them. Bless you, Anna Runkle. Thanks for this healing path. Slow is kind.
I thankfully fix this part and now people is very intimidated by me but, that’s okay because it’s scare away toxic people.. they know and sense they can’t hide behind a mask.. I can see through them and make them uncomfortable. It’s all about to slowdown seat back and really listen, learn and know yourself and know your senses and pay attention how you feel when a toxic person is around, also pay attention what’s feeling familiar.
We absolutely understand. The Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step to healing. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on healing CPTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD Nika@TeamFairy
@@mhw4658 I usually can read ppl well but knowing how to respond to their attempted manipulation is another thing, I am ND though, thanks for the reply I may be a aspie too idk
I've ❤just come to realize that I'm so valuable, to society. No one that ever meets me will ever have to question my intentions. The most virtuous being good intention.
My eldest daughter is my number one advocate. She is always telling me how pretty I am and that I was very cute back in high school...her words heal me because back then, I was made to think I was flat chested, plain-faced, thick-thighed, and generally 'bleah.' When I look at old photos now, I know I was lied to!! I was always within 10 lbs of a healthy weight (until my senior year), had fashionable clothing, hair and makeup, smiled for pictures after 3.5 years with braces, and was kinda cute, damn it. Those old 'critical parent' beliefs led to an underlying belief that I should be happy that ANYONE would want some loser like me...which of course brought toxic predators into my life!
The piece that explained to me about why coercion happed, even when I knew something felt wrong or off....thank you Crappy Childhood fairy. No one I've spoken with has ever been able to validate this feeling or sense I had that I knew something was wrong, or notice how the person around me was convincing? I got slut shamed or judged by many people in my life after the whole ordeal who couldn't understand why or how I "fell for" the guy I did....(but dont worry, those people are not friends or close to me anymore, thank goodness) Little did they know, this man didn't come into my life slowly. And they failed to see how little I respected my own boundaries, or how little I knew how to protect them. I was abused in several ways as a child. I didn't learn yet how to approach this. I had no compass or ways to go about things safely. Also: We were in college. He moved into my dorm room very easily (especially since we were already on the same floor that was Co-ed). We met through a friend of his, who sort of knew me peior? The guy who moved in convinced me I was overreacting to him moving in too soon, and that he wasn't like my past exe (who I had had issues with living with me, due to how he mistreated me, and felt that thing started too soon.....) Lo and behold, he was somehow worse!!! Due to him living with me, I got into a dangerous bind of wanting out of the relationship but feeling stuck and convinced I was wrong. I also felt mad because no one at my college I spoke to would affirm my belief that this person was not good or worse, that he was assaulting me. I got told to break up with him by several people, but never told how to do it safely or why. I felt stuck and alone. I didn't see a way out.... Then, one night, he did something so awful that I just told the right person, and finally it was over. I felt relieved but shaken. I ended up having to drop out due to how ir rocked my life. Needless to say: I knew something was wrong, but I felt like I couldn't believe myself or that others
I ended up with severe bulimia, a monster energy drink addiction (I drank 3 cans EVERY day), and hypersexuality that continually retraumatized me after the fact. I couldn't understand what I was doing or why, at one point I thought I was finding myself and getting my sexuality and control back. In reality, I ended up being removed from college due to my grades failing the semester after the "final incident" with that guy. I was a mess. I'm proud to say I'm no longer an addict, and I don't have that eating disorder, and I have a much healthier relationship to sex with other people (frankly, I have removed myself from the scene, and I am not refusing but rather patiently waiting for my own green light to engage again with someone I trust). We can heal. ❤ I swear, person reading this: you might not think you will, but you can if you seek help and find resources. I'm grateful to be here.
It is very important to determine one's values, interests, and wants/needs. Spending time with yourself to determine these may help create boundaries and filters for interacting with others. We did not have parents who "saw" us and who accepted us for our unique selves. We had to fit to our parents and those around us. We were in complete accommodation mood. To some extent this happens in childhood for no other reason that you are a captive to your family and culture. It isn't necessarily negative. You need someone to feed and cloth you for many years. However, if you exist as an appendage or a burden and not as an individual who can develop the youness of you, when can you develop the sense of who you are in relationship to anyone else? Society itself is very limiting and constricting. It imposes our beliefs and behaviors on us. It is necessary unless you want chaos. We are between a rock and hard place trying to find ourselves.
Everybody who's met me has said that I have stunningly bad luck. Sages like Carl Jung will say that the bad luck is my fault. But how can it be my fault if it started before I was born? I feel like God forgot about me
I feel you! I also used to feel (and still do sometimes) like many "teachings" told me my past and current situation was/is my own fault. I'm not even sure if they ever even really use that word itself but that's surely the feeling I get. I've now come to understand it differently for myself... It was my own doing and I am responsible for myself but I was running a programm that was installed (in this analogy) in my neurobiology, and that's not my fault, it's my personal challenge to integrate and release these patterns now, bit by bit. Have you looked into radical self-forgiveness? That really helped me. God hasn't forgotten you, you have (unintentionally) forgotten him/her/whatever but really it is just that trauma makes you loose connection to yourself because it became unbearable to be in your poor aching heart. We feel God in our hearts, so heal it tenderly. God will help ❤
We all need a higher power, and it doesn't have to be called "God". We actually have the power within ourselves, to grow and overcome what we were dealt as children, with the help of healthy individuals, like Amanda and Patrick. The luxury of the internet, and how it affords us the access to their guidance is priceless. As adults, we can't keep blaming our twisted parents/families for our poor choices, but instead we can take the reins and create a life that we deserve.
@@jennylou9568 It's the weakness of human beings, and unfortunately, many of us did not get the perfect family to grow up in. Why? Because of our parent's upbringing too, they had experiences which wounded them, and some really tried, but some may have chosen to be not good parents by choice when they could have tried harder. It is not God's fault for human sin, but that is shaytan. I wish we had parents who brought us to church is what I wished for. We are not alone, there are so many people who have not had stable and nurturing family upbringing.
@@birdlynn417 What about all those little boys brought to church who were molested by priests along with the many people abused by religious leaders? They were brought to church as was I as a kid. I was still abused and neglected. The church convinced women like my mother not to leave abusive alcoholics like my dad. That is a Catholic thing. I appreciate YOUR beliefs about YOUR GOD. But please don't shove your beliefs onto everyone. I choose to remain spiritual, not religious, and I don't believe a loving God would allow child abuse. Children don't have "free will."
I can’t thank you enough for the work you do Anna, and for the way you articulate where these issues begin and some tools for working towards a better way of coping. I have no doubt you’ve saved more than a life or two. I’ve had several ‘aha’ moments watching your videos, thank you so much
Yes. One of the symptoms of childhood trauma is advocating for others -- when it is sometimes not needed or wanted--then refusing to advocate for yourself.
Watching this made me uncontrollably sob and I’ve sat in so much discomfort to self sooth my loneliness because I’ve relived trauma, horrid dreams of the awful people I’ve allowed into my life due to my own inability to detect red flags. Your videos give me a sense of hope and confirmation that I’m not wrong for choosing my peace over disrespect.
I have been working on my TikTok and my TH-cam for years. I look up to you and your success with TH-cam that is so cool. You show me that it is possible.
I believe you feel it, in the beginning. But you let things go, because this is the one. But i now believe that you should call it when you see it. You can speak to the other person. Pull them up. If you dont get a proper response then you have a decision to make. I do believe some people are unaware of ttheir behaviours. If youre right for each other then you can tslk things through.
At first, it's easy to shame ourselves for "having no friends." But in reality, what you have done is sloughed off the toxic people, leaving you with 1-4 friends (based on my life), which feels like you're all alone, when in reality, you now only allow healthy and affirming people into your life. It's a win!!
I reaped what I sowed in my 20s. I was just as shallow manipulative in order to gain access to attention to money or sex with the opposite sex. After many years of therapy and healing not been completely there but have such a self-awareness. Now I can see why women were attracted to me and why they are attracted to me now in my 40s. Survival is their prime default. As was mine in my 20s. It was never about authentic loving relationships.
I love all of your points. I keep wondering what I am giving off as people even go out of their way to be inconsiderate at times: for example I just had a birthday and our working team always circulates birthday cards to sign and they get a cake for each person on their birthday. My last team meeting was the day after my birthday and the two co workers that I had given a homemade watercolour card to show appreciation for them as people and yet these two did not wish me happy birthday and to add insult to injury one of them asked me to sign two other cards for upcoming birthdays of other coworkers which are a month away!... I said nothing but felt so hurt! Is this normal?????
It is normal to feel hurt. It would be helpful to do the Daily Practice to sort through your feelings and deal with them. You want to know why other birthdays get acknowledged but yours was ignored. Was the team unaware it was your birthday? Were you supposed to announce it yourself? Or did the team know but disregard your birthday? Is there office politics involved?
@@onetuliptree They knew...the girl who took down the names and dates herself acted as though she did not know it was my birthday. There are some politics too because I confronted the bully of the group whom everyone is afraid of a while back and since than everyone is just wierd! Thanks for your comment and yes I do the daily practice which is really helpful!
My problem had always been the narcissism. My parents would tell me that my now husband was the abuser, etc., when they did it themselves. My father was right in some ways, but that does not mean my husband wasn't willing to change. He did. Thank you, Anna and the Crappy Childhood Fairy team. Your videos always help to bring light. Blessed be.
@crappychildhoodfairy Im confused because I am not wounded or traumatised from childhood. I had an amazing, supporting, loving, ideal childhood but when I turned 18 and went out into the world I didn't have a red flag detector. I was not brought up to know bad people or bad situations. I was protected and cushioned. So how do I process this?
I think mostly i don’t have red light ditector is because i think myself is a red flag my past full of instability childhood and failed situation studies my journey even my sabotage behavior … so i don’t assume i have right to judge others … because i find few peoples ho can handle my story my complexity … so i hide i became people pleaser the nice happy one adapt to others … but being authentic is worthy it my lesson and yes resonate with you like exposing me i get conscientious day by day thank you ❤
well.. I think that for me the problem is that I empathise with those 'toxic' people a lot, coz I can sense they're also traumatised and suffer, and I feel like we can understand each other, like I finally met somebody who will understand me... or maybe I see my parents in them too?.. but what I didnt realise until very recently and have to remind myself all the time now is that they're sometimes even more traumatised than me and developed narcissistic personality distorder or simply refuse to work on themselves, so healthy relationship with them is simply not possible... :(
In our desparate state of seeking acceptance, we ignore the red flags. It's only when we learn of our true worth, thru knowledge like this, do we acknowledge and process the red flags accordingly.
It’s getting better now but some still get through the cracks at times. And often it’s users or covert types. (The overt crap seems a lot more obvious to me). I find myself starting and not seeing something and then seeing it and then backpedaling out of there. What I DO find more often now tho is just being alone a lot tho. And I suppose the trick here is that it gets lonely and just finding ways to not fall prey in on and off lonely or vulnerable moments. Plus I guess it’s easier with romance Bcuz right now I’m just not even trying to find any kind of love interest. I also purposed to stop engaging in “escapism.” Toxic folks so often want to offer a brilliant fantasy to drag you off into with them, and I’ve just had to stop believing in such escapist fantasies. My ho hum daily life is at times boring, but that’s perfectly ok. And strangely enough it has become a lot more interesting just to live in true reality day to day. Opening up the plethora of things about getting to know myself. And that leads to self honesty like what I really want and what are my standards? Where do I want to go with my life? Knowing yourself and where you wanna go could possibly be the best defense. Bcuz then you start filtering people based on are they in line with the way I’ve decided to go for myself…or not? Do they line up and fit in with it…or take me away from it? I guess it’s the basic principle of deciding what I want rather than allowing others to decide for me. If I’m chasing my own goals then I will be less likely to drift off of my path with various lures and distractIons. And at any rate, at least that is real. Whatever happens in fantasy la la land won’t ever be real anyways. They so often try to persuade you that your life is lacking and they could really bring more zing and excitement. But that’s the trick isn’t it? My life is good enough and perfectly fine just the way it is. Had to get rid of the FOMO. So then, standing for something and putting your foot down on it keeps you from falling for anything sub par or worse. Greener grass over there is not actually better than my imperfect lawn if it’s fake.
Great video :) can someone explain to me… how strict is the red flag detector meant to be? My problem is I’m always getting into relationships with narcissists, but now I know that, I think I am overly cautious and even paranoid about avoiding friendships and relationships with people like this. If, say, someone had narcissistic traits, would this be a valid reason not to get into a relationship with them or am I now protecting myself too much at the cost of letting anyone in? Where do I draw the line? Thanks 💗
I see the red flags, all the time... but I see red flags in everyone even in myself, I use to see the the wounds and imperfections in ppl right away, since first interactions. The thing is, who is worthwile to be around? I see my imperfections a lot, so I tend to be forgiven to others... there are no angels in this world, and I'm walking red flag myself... so what do I do? Keep myself alone? Even my family is full of red flags... and I come from a huge family!
When I say you just described me so well in this video! OMG its almost scaring me a little, i relate to every single thing you just said. I just had something happen and I honestly can't figure out where i went wrong again. I knew something may have been wrong but I thought maybe it could be different this time. And I gave it time, and still git burned in the end. I want to try your course but I wonder if i can really be healed and what does that even look like??
Soul Suckers can stalk people they have never met online. Lots of people are dealing with this scourge. This is a new game that law enforcement has to figure out.
I realized I had this problem years ago. I've been working on it since but I still overlook certain things that I later realize I shouldn't. It's hard to figure out the correct balance of being understanding of other people not being perfect vs people having severe issues that you need to avoid them for. I've had to let myself come to the conclusion over the years that there really AREN'T that many good, normal people out there and I need to stop making so many allowances in general. So I keep my circle of people I trust very tight these days as a result.
Thank you for watching, glad it was helpful! If you're interested, try The Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. You can find this free course here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
I watch your videos because I have a wife that I think she either has CPTSD, vulnerable narcissism, or a mix of both. She was abused as a child. She left me in a very abusive way while projecting that I was the abuser. I am very empathetic and want her to heal. Her red flag detector was terrible since the day I met her and I did a lot to teach her. We have to coparent now. She is less agitated after a few months, but at one point, she saw me as an enemy with all the red flags. This is our second divorce so I am coming to terms with knowing that while I can be kind to her and work to understand her, I can't fix her.
I'm finding it tough to distinguish between vulnerable narcissism and CPTSD. It appears that with vulnerable narcissism, individuals remain trapped in a cycle of toxic shame without progressing to feelings of guilt or remorse, which seems akin to severe CPTSD. While there may be brief moments of self-reflection, these are infrequent and slow to emerge. The most challenging aspect is the pronounced lack of empathy during these episodes and dysregulation.
I think she might be afraid of me because I might be the only one that truly understands her which might make her feel vulnerable and defensive. I didn't understand everything, including my own attachment style, but I do now. I truly didn't understand how much space she needed. I just wanted to calm her with a hug. She has tried a lot of self help. When I met her she told me her mother was a narcissist and she was afraid of being like her. But it seems like that's where she ended up.
These days on the internet its hard to detect.. i grew up in narccity and a narchome. And i ended up being alone for 20yrs this way..everyone seemed to wave their red flags 😂😂😂 where do we find good guys and attractive (to my taste). Men of my age are old, worn out, narc or super boring or bluntly too stupid
I think I am fairly good at seeing the red flags, but either my husband, or work colleagues, or 'society' dismisses them and says 'oh, its okay - you are over reacting - I am sure they didn't mean it', etc, etc. I try to say I told you so, but then they seem to forget that I told them. Trouble is I see a lot of red flags.
Well, the world is dysfunctional. Toxicity is rewarded so the worst of people comes to the forefront. I feel like crappy people are unavoidable in current times.
Exactly. I see too many red flags. And no I'm not overreacting I have these 'I told you so' moments all the time too. It's kinda like some of us are less tolerant of bs. Strange thing that even if it feels minor that others think is not worth making fuzz about it, somehow it often grows into big problem eventually
@@Nat-oj2uc You are exactly right. I never know whether to ignore them or not. I feel i have to say something - because I do notice stuff, and there is a reason I notice this stuff - not exactly a gift, but there is a reason for it. I don't know if I attract these people because there is a lesson that I am not learning, and these red flags keep getting sent to me as I need to learn - or if I attract these people because basically I am a trusting soul or easy pickings - or something. Its tricky. Sending love.
@Crappy Childhood Fairy, Thank You for this enlightening talk. I tend to see things as.. Hurt people hurt people.. I use awareness and compassion for they are where I once was and healed from, in saying that.. I also distance myself from them.. so they are truly the catalyst for change and redirection. my family grieved the loss of 3 family members recently all within 7 months. I felt it right to let a friend know this is why I hadn't been in touch, they didn't even offer their condolences, it saddened me briefly but knowing this is their character is a blessing too. Thank you Crappy Childhood fairy
"Going blank at the worst possible moment." Yes! I kept making the same mistake with someone because, although I'd swear "never again," I'd go back and forget in the moment what I'd promised myself. Sigh . . . .
People can be great and loving to pets and still be abusive I've got two of them one is a narcissist sexist who cuddles with the pets you'd never know they're so abusive. The only one treats the same pets well yet has points of neglect as far as the pets would see it as they distance themselves from them so they aren't interfering with xyz they're doing these animals have developed health issued to to this type of hot cold on off again treatment by the other dysfunctional person.
Inappropriate people.. so my own doctor.. who is married.. who I've been dating for 3 weeks.. :/ This guy asked me out. I did not do anything to attract him. He had access to my medical file during my appointments and has texted me the last 3 appointments. I ignored him until this last one. Is he a predator?
Hi Anna, VIDEO IDEA, I just watched baby reindeer and I got so much out of it on many levels and I think it would be so cool for you to make a commentary about the Netflix series. I watched it in one long evening. it goes along with what you’re talking about in this video; not having boundaries and repeating the abuse cycle. Because of the popularity of this show, I think it could also bring a lot of new people to your channel. Blessings ❤✨
You bloggers are always giving advice on dating but I am way, way behind, I want tips on how to recognize good people to have in your circle of friends, or even good neighbors or family members, including your own children. Not all PTSD people is smart and articulate like yourself, in fact, some of us are quite the opposite. A little "special", if I may say.
How Does one deal with an apparently Covert narsiccist brother-in - law who has manipulative in the TOTAL way to gaslight one and turn one's whole family against one at every level. Eek.
It’s not just dissociation or shutting down. It’s that the awful way things are presenting, is what you’re used to. You don’t know the good stuff, cos you’ve not experienced it. So that is alien and the bad stuff is what you know. And although it’s bad you know for certain it didn’t kill you. So it’s ‘safer’ to keep on with the devil you know 🌻
I am so incredibly grateful for all your videos, the Daily Practice and the membership! ❤
I am also incredibly grateful, that I found you a year ago, when I was 19 years old.
The Daily Practice helped me to get out of a marriage that I never wanted to get in (people pleasing plus “freeze mode“ made me get into it). And much more. ❤
So proud of you friend! You have the rest of your life ahead of you to enjoy, and I hope you live your best one!
Wow, I'm so glad the practice and other resources have been helpful, that's wonderful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@briannenurse4640 yes, it’s such a gift :)
I wish I had the Childhood Fairy when I was actually a child, but my inner child still has a lot to learn from her.
Amen to that! It would've change the trajectory of our lives!
yes, same here!
Same here
Jesus Christ is the lover of our souls. He, alone, can bind up the broken-hearted. He is our Comforter, Wonderful Counselor! God formed us in our mother’s womb and He knows our innermost parts. He is the author and perfecter of our faith. He gave us life! He loves us! We are all broken, corrupt and fallen and without hope but for Jesus Christ! Let Jesus consume your life and you will have a peace you’ve never known before! He will replace your heart of stone with a heart of flesh, for all have fallen short of His standard. He is rich in mercy! You will be forgiven your sins against God and be saved from destruction on Judgment Day! Jesus is Lord and He is coming back soon! The day of Salvation is TODAY!
My current method for avoiding shitty people is taking notes on how they interact with other people. You gossip about other people? Noted. You ghosted your ex? Noted. You have a toxic relationship with your partner? Noted. I keep my tabs open when I'm around these people, and structure my behavior around them. If they gossip, I don't give my personal info. If they ghost people, I keep the relationship shallow. If they have toxic relationships with certain people, I avoid being around those people. I basically try to make it impossible for them to pull shit on me. But ofc I'm not bullet proof & if they pull that same shit on me, I just leave &/or distance myself. I don't have time for games.
Im slowly learning ,after being a victim for a long time and going through shit, i now know what i don't want
Thank you for this much needed reminder.
That's what my girlfriend said time.
She distances herself from unhealthy people.
She has been re framing my whole outlook on life.
A guy I was dating told me he recently cat sat for his toxic ex and I said so you are friends? He said they weren’t on good terms. He told me she was mean and I’m like why are you letting her still boss you around? Before I came over he told me he had to clean up all the cat hair and he was basically freaking out. I felt like he was hiding something else. I wish I would have asked why he was helping someone he supposedly didn’t get along with.
Whenever I start dating someone I make a list of my red flags and I try to decipher if it’s a red flag or my trauma.
I try to give it a month before I decide if I should continue to see this person. I’ve been love bombed so many times now I go back and ask myself if they are doing that or genuinely interested.
I'm getting to be this way as well. I got tired of the stress around such people and realized that I start acting in ways I don't like when I allow THEM to stress me out. So now if I just remove myself, it's so much better.
I recently had a 1st date after talking to a gentleman for 1 week. A red flag for me was that he told me personal information about his ex-wife. He told me her first name(and I assume she may still have his last name), her age, what city she lives in and that she was SA as a child. That let me know that I could never share any personal information with him, and he is not a safe person. 1st and last date.
It sounds like he overshared either because he's nervous or he just put a lot of his story out there quickly because he's been dating and gets frustrated with getting to know someone. I feel like that would be what I do if I ever started dating again. Maybe you should have given him a second chance.
@@justmejenny7986I don’t think so , she did the right thing. If he mentions his ex wife on their first date, he is NOT over her period. I know this from experience.
Good choice. Not a safe person.
@@justmejenny7986 Perhaps up to a point, but the sharing of his ex's personal details smells like manipulation/abuse tactics to me. I promise you your tendency to overshare and what this man was doing are coming from two different places. People, often men, can use performative vulnerability as a tool to try to extract vulnerability from the women. The recipient thinks the speaker is 'genuinely' vulnerable and takes their stories at face value, but the real story isn't anything like what they portrayed.
@@a.r.8954Your accuracy is amazing!
Someone on Reddit wrote that red flags look like normal ones when you're wearing rose-coloured glasses.
the fuck does that even mean
@@cinnamonthecat9661 means our mental vision is skewed to keep us from seeing danger.
Perfect analogy. Thank you for sharing.
@@cinnamonthecat9661😂 Were you serious?
LOL!
Of all the counseling, advice from well meaning people, mentoring and discipleship I have received in my life, you are the first person to actually give tangible, doable instructions on how to walk into a relationship correctly and safely. Coming from trauma, we so much need for someone to speak in a way that understands we have believed wrong from the beginning. Even though we are adults now, we still need to be taught the basics that people without traumatic childhoods were either taught directly or learned intuitively by witnessing good examples. Thank you Anna for all you share.
I love having her as a resource to send to folks who are struggling with this stuff for exactly that reason. She's not just talking about it in the abstract. She's got concrete, actionable steps to take, and that's so incredibly helpful.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes! This is what makes her an important tool in the recovery process for narcissistic abuse! I have 4 or 5 channels on narcissistic abuse that I follow. This is the only channel that isn’t a mental health professional with the degrees and labels that we are supposed to be able to trust. Each one is a unique tool helping me in their special way. This channel though has the most actionable help hands down!
The problem is there just aren’t enough caring, goodpeople around these days. So you talk yourself into accepting parts of people just to have something, some part of them maybe you can get something from. Like “okay, she doesn’t like my dogs, she never reallytakes any interest in me ( in the case of a potential friend) but maybe she’s someone who I can go to a concert with, because I like to hear live music now and them. You settle. I’ve always said that finding good friends in midlife is like trying to find good produce in a grocery store on Sunday night.
Right
So true.
@crappychildhoodfairy please do a video on this
doesn’t like my pets? I can go to concerts alone instead! 🤘
yea sometimes have done this but I always resent it very quickly so it’s actually better for everyone involved not to go into all that. I don’t mean be endlessly demanding and expect most your needs to be met in one person. I just want be careful about not gaslighting myself that something is ok just because there is nothing better around, when it actually is “crap fitting” as Anna puts it and I cannot tolerate that situation for too long.
wishing everyone a good week!
There are good people but you can't find them if you're willing to keep toxic people around. Good people with healthy boundaries will flee from toxic people, and those around them, to be safe.
My dysfunctional parents surrounded themselves with dysfunctional friends, and I grew up with a limited ability to recognize red flags.
I made my daughters number one, and did not have the social life many parents have, but was engaged in children's sports, you name it we were involved. But in the end, given all my love, they chose to live their lives without me and reject me in my old age of 64. I can't understand the way of the culture these days yet I will still follow Jesus.
In a review of the list of ACA (Adult Children of Alkies) I spotted this. We confuse love for pity/rescue. Whoa!!
Predators see this response from a mile away. My mother had this response whenever someone molested her daughters, she responded with instant blindness and deafness and anger at her kids for daring to cry out.
I had to grow up to understand that she had been thru severe trauma herself that programmed her to freeze and actually protect the abuser, although she insists her childhood was "perfect".
Insanity.
Chaos and fear cause brain stress. You learn to second guess the obvious. Desire to connect makes dangerous and destructive people look interesting if they are somewhat friendly and manipulative. Loneliness drives risk and denial.
Huge insights there and extremely well-worded.
I've started to block people out that I later find out are unreliable, untrustworthy, or toxic. I used to think I had to be "loyal" and long-suffering. I'm getting better at identifying hurtful people earlier and earlier in my contacts with them. The discernment is like a muscle that's getting stronger little by little.
Define unreliable
Very well put, I agree completely.
@@Leila550 I had a conversation with an unreliable "friend". I was like: I dont know what to do when 1 week passes and you dont see my whatsapp message". She was like:" if you are not happy with this, we cannot be friends". At that moment, I knew she was just a casual one for me.
Yes!!! I struggle with the long-suffering, loyal through it all, martyr-like mentality too, like I deserve to be taken advantage of and abused because it’s the righteous path or something. I am learning more & more how to stay gentle and kind, but not make myself available for mistreatment
Thank you!!! You give me hope that I am taking baby steps towards my goal!💕
Plus, when you're brain screamed 'This isn't Safe' as an abused child, yet adults who said I was wrong, so, growing up knowing red flag feelings were wrong (but were not).
This was a mistake on my part, but I was told to look to "meet people in recovery," only to find them just as damaged as I was. This isn't the best advice you'll ever get.
Relationships like that sometimes work, but most often, both parties bring toxic stuff to the table.
Yes, people in recovery groups are damaged, but so are lots of people “out there”. Difference is that in the recovery groups, the people acknowledge there are problems and they want to have a better life. We all have messy baggage of some type. Some are just more toxic than others. Wishing you well finding the person who is a good fit for you! (((hugs))) 🙏🏼 🇨🇦
I've noticed the same! If the foundation for the relationship is shared trauma and for example not a love for music or nature it often becomes fragile, unfortunately
Some ppl I meet and foolishly trust in recovery are superficially nice. Once I get vulnerable they come in for the kill and their true nature comes out. Not a safe place to heal.
There's a saying in 12-step rooms. The 13th step is a bad mistake. I steered clear and finally got a 20-year medallion.
I remember a day my red flag detector was working. The man I was on a date with asked too many questions about my young children, so I ran out of the restaurant. I wish I were as protective of myself as I was of my young children.
I think we are better at spotting red flags targeting our children than ourselves.
four steps of healing:
1. Be clear. Write down what you want in a relationship and a partner and what you don't want. Name the flags (e.g. untrustworthy, inappropriate) of the people in your life and compare with your list of what you want.
2. slow things down and be deliberate. Act opposite of hurrying which is a CPTSD symptom.
3. Shine sunlight on the problem areas of your life
4. Use daily practice to clear the gunk in your thinking
Thank you! Good advice.
When I was four years old, my mother forced me to play with a little boy who was aggressive, violent , simply disturbed. He destroyed my toys and one day nearly killed me. Still , my mother insisted on my being with him, thereby "teaching" me to be with destructive people. And her teachings worked just fine : been with toxic people all my life, don' t even know what sane feels like...watching this video gave me a headache because I am starting to see that there might be a whole different way....😢🚩🚩🚩🏳️🏳️🏳️🏳️🏳️🏳️
That was foolishness by your mother, and she was not protective of you. That is awful when we don't feel protected by our mothers.
@@birdlynn417 Yes, and there were other, dangerous situations, even when I was a tiny baby, where, really, she should have protected and not exposed me to danger and violence.
I know now, that she herself was traumatized as a child - but has -to this day- never owned it ...And this is what happens with denied trauma : you inflict it on others...She was - and still remains - totally unconscious of what she is doing...
@@mellifergold I am sorry to hear that and that happened to you. I suppose is all our lives we have situations where we "should have" or "could have" done better or differently, but didn't. We expect such perfection from our own parents who were not perfect and hurt us where even they could be sorry for what they did, yet we either forgive them or not, because they are who they are and probably did the best they could. I like to remember and see all the positives about my mother as much as I can, because not all of her was negative to me when I was a child.
@@birdlynn417 For me it was the other way around - I saw only good in her, totally ( being co- dependent) and only now , finally, after so many years of wondering what was going on with me, now realizing that it is cptsd from such an early age, I start to see her more realistically - and need to keep my distance ( as her ways are toxic to me - which I could not see before )
Mine did the same thing. Forced "nice boys your own age" onto me, even after I told her that the 'nice boy' tried to r--- me, or that I caught him in the midst of cheating with the toxic friend NPD mom also forced upon me....I was told that I was just making things up, or imagining them, and besides I was too fugly to be SA'd anyway....
I didn't even recognize SA when it was happening to me as an adult, thanks to that monster.
I am alone... no people. Alone. A hermit. I will be 70 this year. I am used up and no one even tries to get close to me anymore. But Im happy this way... most days.
I’m alone too , no friends not very many people for weeks & months at a time, approaching 60 but extremely happy & safe. I’m finally healed of ALL TRAUMAS . Not really a hermit but would much rather enjoy my alone time, my pets , my projects & my peace. . . I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I went from dissociative episodes to blanking out Red Flags and trusting sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths.
... who caused MORE trauma.
Narcissists are horrible but Psychopaths are just as traumatizing and Sociopaths.. like Lions and Tigers and Bears oh my!
I overcame my broken red-flag detector when I realize that 'this feels familiar'. When I feel that, usually about 2 months in, I RUN!!! I am old enough to know better now that most people don't change (because it's hard, icky work) so it's not worth staying to 'fix' or 'help' them. This also means that I must embrace new-ness and unfamiliarity. I must welcome the unknown.
I am still working on slowing things down so I learned to tell my partners that, "I really like you and don't want to screw this up so I want to take physical affection very slow at first." Stay very strong with your boundary!!! Good luck and God Bless!
I'm so glad I found this lady I've been dealing with CPTSD my whole life
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I've learned some personal red flags. Hero-worship is a big one. If you have no flaws and you never do anything that aggravates me, or I think you're just a genius in some area of emotional intelligence and never make mistakes, that's a red flag. If you’re willing to talk about yourself (which is fine), but you’re not willing to share who you are, that’s another red flag. If you're not willing to let me talk about myself, or if I get the sense that you're not interested in who I am, red flag. A hard one to spot is if you value things _about me_ that are useful to you but don't value _me_, that's a big red flag.
I am and always have been an absolute MAGNET for users, liars and bullies. The issue is that I'm genuinely kind and caring and authentic and helpful and that attracts people who take advantage of me because they see me as weak, as opposed to attracting appreciative loyal people. I try to exercise discernment but unfortunately by the time you really see a persons true colours, they have already done damage because they are so sneaky.
Thanks for sharing! Hope Anna's content will help you detect red flags earlier next time.
Nika@TeamFairy
What's truly sickening is how they destroy your reputation while you are going out of your way to be kind and forgiving of them and their own indiscretions.
Still infuriates me 😢😢😢
You don't attract them. You choose them...
@@mfknkaren I didn't choose you, yet here you are.
The alternative is being isolated and alone. I think the odds are that you might meet 2 or 3 people who are "good" in your LIFETIME.
People around me always tell me that I am a red flag detector because I am very observant, very self-aware and also aware of others and their feelings. I don’t know how but I just know I can tell if you are lying, if you’re playing etc.
The thing is though, I can sense someone is not what they seem, I can tell they are manipulative or I can clearly see there is something off about them; but somehow I still get sucked into their games. This happened to me only once and it made me hate myself. I still feel so stupid and worthless. I am honestly ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid when it was so obvious?
What I am trying to say here is that sometimes it is not enough that you can feel, sense or tell that there is something wrong about people if you don’t have the power to step back and distance yourself from those who are very clearly not good for you.
Thank you for this reminder! For the first time I can recall, I recently “stepped back” from an enticing invitation to casual dating. This man seems like a good person overall, and appears honest about what he is and is NOT offering. I still feel a “danger signal” regarding what would happen to my nervous system if I were to engage. I decided to remain within my original professional relationship with him, and avoid going beyond that, for now. I recognize that I am still intrigued, even as my nervous system tells me to just say no.
I am taking the warning seriously, instead of ignoring or glossing over it like I would have in the past
It's okay, we all make stupid mistakes, but that's okay, it's part of what makes us human. We should learn from them and forgive ourselves.
girl, I relate so much ❤ and once things get too bad I wonder if I should just pull away or actually stand up for myself but don’t want to look angry or like I’m overreacting
Yes. I knew he was a snake
I just didn't think he would snake me!?!!!! Now I know. Snakes never differentiate
Yes very true ! I’m the same way .
Hi, I've been binge watching your videos. I recently got into a short-lived situationship and he eventually ghosted me at Easter. What I'm really struggling with isn't so much the fact I didn't see the red flags but that I ignored them. I was so desperate for the crumbs he was throwing me. I'm really hurting now and I'm feeling so ashamed for having brought this on myself.
What were the red flags you noticed but ignored, if i may ask?
@@ilsedemolder3973 He was very full on at the beginning and didn't show much interest in dating properly. Then once we'd been intimate he began to become less consistent and was very hot and cold. We didn't even share a cross word. Just one day he stopped replying. All the warning signs were there, I just had my blinkers on. I'd been single a long time
@@laineymac8430 Well how long was the "relationship"? Have you met him through a dating site?
@@ilsedemolder3973 no, I actually met this man in real life by chance, not through internet dating or anything. All in all about 6 weeks before the ghosting. I'm not delusional, I know this wasn't a proper relationship but it's left me feeling shattered. Wish I could go back it time
@ilsedemolder397doesnt matter. He ghosted her. What she needs is self compassion. 3
It’s still damaging when she’s 62 and I’m aged 40 and still playing her sick twisted games. You call her out and she says it’s all in your head! Need to walk away from these people as they can and will make you crazy.
Love to all ❤
*her = mother
The cure for gaslighting is to tell people your boundaries over and over and over. These good for nothing get their leverage by planting seeds of doubts. Do not feed them and give them the upper hand by questioning what they do. They can easily deny them even if they are already caught red-handed. Put the locus of control on you, see how the dynamics change. Believe in the power of your truth, show them you won't budge no matter what. Like they do. Don't go where they are, stay where you are.
My problem was telling these people (mother, dad, siblings etc) exactly how they hurt me, which of course I absolutely stupid, but I can see it now! It hurts that she purposely wants to hurt and punish me for nothing, just being me. I set my boundaries and have stayed strong not reacting to their lies, nor even communicated back to defend myself like I normally would, because I know now it’s always been their game to control and confuse me. It’s so sad to think my own blood have been doing this bs to me for years and I’ve allowed most of it to happen and held myself back for so long, even encoring illnesses as a result of all the continuous stress I’ve went through. No more. Thank you so much for this channel you have helped me break the spell and the unhealthy unnecessary toxic ties I had. Healing, love and peace to all ❤
@@redefinedliving5974 Amazing! Yes the truth is the truth and I would repeat that over to them as the truth always comes out in the end. I have completely taken myself away from them all and wow I can believe how much I have achieved by myself and better results, than listen and take in their judgments, controls and beliefs. You are so right!!
Finally got my own power back and in control and responsible for me, and me alone.
Take care
🩷 to all xx
@@leonablack3516 They do hold you done in that energy, you’re absolutely correct!
I walked away and wow I have achieved so much, mentally, emotionally and progressively. They have reached out here and there with manipulation but I know it won’t ever change and I don’t want to be held down and back any longer, I have so much time to get caught up with and look after myself.
Take care 🩷
Ah, the chicken-egg problem: the people who love you can use their red flag detector if yours is not working. The issue is if you start out with only hateful people, it's pure luck to get that initial circle of love going.
When you have anxiety disorder though you are confused if its your anxiety making you feel bad or is it your intuition telling you a person who is bad
Thank you for this video. I go into isolation because i just can't tell anymore. I try to connect but then i get confused about whats actually going on.
Something that I found that helps me personally is my Two Questions:
1) How do I feel about myself when I am with this person? Do I feel confused, like I'm stupid? (red flag) Do I feel lucky and happy, calm and at peace? (green flag)
2) How do I think and talk about myself after having spent time with them? Do I put myself down, or fear I've done something that will make that person run away (red flag), or do I simply enjoy reliving the evening and look forward to seeing them again (green flag)?
Yes..my red flag detectors was broken for most of my life. I had the sick need to be connected to someone, any one just so that I’m not alone. I excepted bad pple in my life. I now realized my self destructive behavior came from childhood trauma, growing up with violence, spoken to very badly, saying words that hurt to a child. I now finally realize why I was numb took on so much abuse from everyone for no reason..I was numb to abuse n mistreatment n deep dwn I felt I deserve to be mistreated..No more!
I'm getting better. Was talking with a guy I liked, who seemed like a good character. When I got down to brass tacks and asked him what he wanted, he literally said "FWB" - age 65. That's what he's looking for. I noped out.
Before, I would have told myself that he still had potential.
I wish I had found you 10 or 15 years ago. Now I'm hopeless, paralyzed and in bed, with nothing but bad memories of all the people who abused me for their own amusement. I never found good people, never had a family, it's just been rejection since my mother gave me up on day one.
as long as you are able to type these words, then it’s not too late ! You still can make a little change in your life if you want !🎉
There's a TH-cam channel, Squirmy and Grubs. There's a good community of people that you may connect with.
You're able to find this channel, right? That's a good start. Our beliefs shape our reality, do not allow these people to dictate your future. Believe in yourself and your ability to heal.
Hugs
I blame my mother. She made abuse normal, and there were a lot of people who weaponized my empathy.
My ex best friend was an abuser, but she was so good at making me feel badly for her. However, that changed when I met my husband. He helped me escape them and I cut them all off over a decade ago.
I was diagnosed with ptsd, and adhd, which explains a lot. But I’m thankful, because now I know what to look for to keep my own children safe.
same here, I dumped my friend of 50 years, after she made one epic remark which was way above the tremor scale of her self confessed "take me as I am i cannot change this is me, brutally honest better the devil you know" sales pitch for keeping her as a friend. I told her life is short and i prefer the company of people whose company I enjoy and who are respectful. Dumped n blocked...wow what peace, no regrets.
@@annapurnaprosper mine was the same, took forever to get her out because she was that good at manipulation.
It’s peaceful now.
Had this occur with a job. After two weeks I could see why the company couldn’t keep employees. Thanked the manager, returned the keys and never looked back. The job market is horrific now so, it’s open season for abuse.
I quit my job last week! I stayed about 10 months. Saw a few come & go in a short time. I finally had enough of being treated like shit. Plus dealing with condescending narcissistic assholes.
I remember not reacting, like in my childhood, as you say it's like not being able to do so. It's terrible because you feel not respected but did not do anything. Now i can react but sometimes I don't know how.
Ahh, o.k., I understand, because later we process what happened or what ails us, and then know what to say, but it is too late, or the chance is not an option anymore, unless you actually want to bring it up with someone again to talk about, but if you know they really don't care about you, why bother? I just realize that the best thing to do for me, after it has been proven that I don't matter to (my sister), I just close the door and continue on with my life without her, as I already have been doing for so many years.
hahha. this was awesome. Thank you. Im so much better but years ago I had a run of bad narc partners. A grandmother of a friend turned her head and said, "Your chooser is broken" lol. This was a gift to hear and in looking back, She was right. :)))
I’m a nanny and I made friends with these two moms at the apartment complex “my kid” lives at. We’ve all become somewhat close and I’ll tell them about my other friends and they’re like, “syd… you need new friends, these do not sound like good people…” and it really didn’t click for me without hearing it from others (typical cptsd stuff too).
I’ve had a lot of bad friends and of course romantic partners. For me, a theme is female friends who put me down and compete with me. I’ve had multiple friends tell me they would never date me. What kind of friends tell you that? I tell them how amazing they are and how lucky anyone is to date them.
But then the other part of me thinks that I’m toxic so I attract toxic and that they’re right, no one SHOULD want to date me, I suck
It's weird how we need other people's permission to start or end a relationship, like the toxic parent is still making those decisions for us.
I didn’t have abuse and neglect in my childhood and this was an issue for me
The times I've let a narc in it's been down this - loneliness and loneliness denial. I had loads of friends but as an outsider introvert who had childhood trauma and an undiagnosed illness, I was deeply lonely but didn't know it
JJ&M-You just spoke to some deeeep stuff in me.
Thank you-
That defensive,hyperviggilance. And why.
I felt you speak to that frightened lil one in me.
Also-when someone tells you who they are,
Believe them.
Bless you, Anna Runkle.
Thanks for this healing path.
Slow is kind.
Right. I am better at keeping a holes out. Also good at keeping everyone out.
I thankfully fix this part and now people is very intimidated by me but, that’s okay because it’s scare away toxic people.. they know and sense they can’t hide behind a mask.. I can see through them and make them uncomfortable. It’s all about to slowdown seat back and really listen, learn and know yourself and know your senses and pay attention how you feel when a toxic person is around, also pay attention what’s feeling familiar.
Its not that i don't see red flags, its that i fawn and don't know boundaries or aggression or how to be
We absolutely understand. The Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step to healing. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on healing CPTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Nika@TeamFairy
could be that you are neurodivergent as well as traumatized. i am autistic, 44, and have cptsd as well.
@@mhw4658 I usually can read ppl well but knowing how to respond to their attempted manipulation is another thing,
I am ND though, thanks for the reply I may be a aspie too idk
I've ❤just come to realize that I'm so valuable, to society. No one that ever meets me will ever have to question my intentions. The most virtuous being good intention.
we need more of you 💓
My eldest daughter is my number one advocate. She is always telling me how pretty I am and that I was very cute back in high school...her words heal me because back then, I was made to think I was flat chested, plain-faced, thick-thighed, and generally 'bleah.' When I look at old photos now, I know I was lied to!! I was always within 10 lbs of a healthy weight (until my senior year), had fashionable clothing, hair and makeup, smiled for pictures after 3.5 years with braces, and was kinda cute, damn it.
Those old 'critical parent' beliefs led to an underlying belief that I should be happy that ANYONE would want some loser like me...which of course brought toxic predators into my life!
The piece that explained to me about why coercion happed, even when I knew something felt wrong or off....thank you Crappy Childhood fairy.
No one I've spoken with has ever been able to validate this feeling or sense I had that I knew something was wrong, or notice how the person around me was convincing?
I got slut shamed or judged by many people in my life after the whole ordeal who couldn't understand why or how I "fell for" the guy I did....(but dont worry, those people are not friends or close to me anymore, thank goodness)
Little did they know, this man didn't come into my life slowly. And they failed to see how little I respected my own boundaries, or how little I knew how to protect them. I was abused in several ways as a child. I didn't learn yet how to approach this. I had no compass or ways to go about things safely.
Also: We were in college. He moved into my dorm room very easily (especially since we were already on the same floor that was Co-ed). We met through a friend of his, who sort of knew me peior?
The guy who moved in convinced me I was overreacting to him moving in too soon, and that he wasn't like my past exe (who I had had issues with living with me, due to how he mistreated me, and felt that thing started too soon.....)
Lo and behold, he was somehow worse!!! Due to him living with me, I got into a dangerous bind of wanting out of the relationship but feeling stuck and convinced I was wrong.
I also felt mad because no one at my college I spoke to would affirm my belief that this person was not good or worse, that he was assaulting me.
I got told to break up with him by several people, but never told how to do it safely or why.
I felt stuck and alone. I didn't see a way out....
Then, one night, he did something so awful that I just told the right person, and finally it was over. I felt relieved but shaken. I ended up having to drop out due to how ir rocked my life.
Needless to say: I knew something was wrong, but I felt like I couldn't believe myself or that others
I ended up with severe bulimia, a monster energy drink addiction (I drank 3 cans EVERY day), and hypersexuality that continually retraumatized me after the fact.
I couldn't understand what I was doing or why, at one point I thought I was finding myself and getting my sexuality and control back.
In reality, I ended up being removed from college due to my grades failing the semester after the "final incident" with that guy.
I was a mess.
I'm proud to say I'm no longer an addict, and I don't have that eating disorder, and I have a much healthier relationship to sex with other people (frankly, I have removed myself from the scene, and I am not refusing but rather patiently waiting for my own green light to engage again with someone I trust).
We can heal. ❤ I swear, person reading this: you might not think you will, but you can if you seek help and find resources.
I'm grateful to be here.
I made the little "pamphlet" and stapled it 😔🙌🏼
I noticed so much more now
Keep up the great work on healing! We're all rooting for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
I was slut-shamed and treated like trash when I was a virgin! A lot of that is based on the other people's jealousy. It really is.
It is very important to determine one's values, interests, and wants/needs. Spending time with yourself to determine these may help create boundaries and filters for interacting with others. We did not have parents who "saw" us and who accepted us for our unique selves. We had to fit to our parents and those around us. We were in complete accommodation mood. To some extent this happens in childhood for no other reason that you are a captive to your family and culture. It isn't necessarily negative. You need someone to feed and cloth you for many years. However, if you exist as an appendage or a burden and not as an individual who can develop the youness of you, when can you develop the sense of who you are in relationship to anyone else? Society itself is very limiting and constricting. It imposes our beliefs and behaviors on us. It is necessary unless you want chaos. We are between a rock and hard place trying to find ourselves.
Everybody who's met me has said that I have stunningly bad luck. Sages like Carl Jung will say that the bad luck is my fault. But how can it be my fault if it started before I was born? I feel like God forgot about me
I feel you! I also used to feel (and still do sometimes) like many "teachings" told me my past and current situation was/is my own fault. I'm not even sure if they ever even really use that word itself but that's surely the feeling I get. I've now come to understand it differently for myself... It was my own doing and I am responsible for myself but I was running a programm that was installed (in this analogy) in my neurobiology, and that's not my fault, it's my personal challenge to integrate and release these patterns now, bit by bit. Have you looked into radical self-forgiveness? That really helped me. God hasn't forgotten you, you have (unintentionally) forgotten him/her/whatever but really it is just that trauma makes you loose connection to yourself because it became unbearable to be in your poor aching heart. We feel God in our hearts, so heal it tenderly. God will help ❤
God forgot about all of us here.
We all need a higher power, and it doesn't have to be called "God". We actually have the power within ourselves, to grow and overcome what we were dealt as children, with the help of healthy individuals, like Amanda and Patrick. The luxury of the internet, and how it affords us the access to their guidance is priceless. As adults, we can't keep blaming our twisted parents/families for our poor choices, but instead we can take the reins and create a life that we deserve.
@@jennylou9568 It's the weakness of human beings, and unfortunately, many of us did not get the perfect family to grow up in. Why? Because of our parent's upbringing too, they had experiences which wounded them, and some really tried, but some may have chosen to be not good parents by choice when they could have tried harder. It is not God's fault for human sin, but that is shaytan. I wish we had parents who brought us to church is what I wished for. We are not alone, there are so many people who have not had stable and nurturing family upbringing.
@@birdlynn417 What about all those little boys brought to church who were molested by priests along with the many people abused by religious leaders? They were brought to church as was I as a kid. I was still abused and neglected. The church convinced women like my mother not to leave abusive alcoholics like my dad. That is a Catholic thing. I appreciate YOUR beliefs about YOUR GOD. But please don't shove your beliefs onto everyone. I choose to remain spiritual, not religious, and I don't believe a loving God would allow child abuse. Children don't have "free will."
I can’t thank you enough for the work you do Anna, and for the way you articulate where these issues begin and some tools for working towards a better way of coping. I have no doubt you’ve saved more than a life or two. I’ve had several ‘aha’ moments watching your videos, thank you so much
Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment. We appreciate your kind words towards Anna!
Nika@TeamFairy
I no longer trust my "red flag detector"...
Trust ur soul ur inner voice ur intuition,it knows everything, listen to the god in you❤
Same! I was like if a person's get close to me they probably are toxic 😂😂😂 never been wrong so far
Anyone else easily sense red flags when it comes to our friends, coworkers, family, etc - but then not yourself?
Yes. One of the symptoms of childhood trauma is advocating for others -- when it is sometimes not needed or wanted--then refusing to advocate for yourself.
I thought I did but the last few months has made me realize that I have struggled with both- particularly with myself and coworkers
Watching this made me uncontrollably sob and I’ve sat in so much discomfort to self sooth my loneliness because I’ve relived trauma, horrid dreams of the awful people I’ve allowed into my life due to my own inability to detect red flags.
Your videos give me a sense of hope and confirmation that I’m not wrong for choosing my peace over disrespect.
I have been working on my TikTok and my TH-cam for years. I look up to you and your success with TH-cam that is so cool. You show me that it is possible.
Good luck with your channels!
Nika@TeamFairy
OH!! WoW! ❤Anna! Your a life reader! A Bluetooth direct! Bless your soul
This is gold!!! Bullseye!! Thanks! ❤
I believe you feel it, in the beginning. But you let things go, because this is the one. But i now believe that you should call it when you see it. You can speak to the other person. Pull them up. If you dont get a proper response then you have a decision to make. I do believe some people are unaware of ttheir behaviours. If youre right for each other then you can tslk things through.
So if you your red flag detector is broken, does that mean you will get red flags around good for you people?
I'm learning finally. It's lonely, but I do have a few trustworthy people in my life 😢❤
At first, it's easy to shame ourselves for "having no friends." But in reality, what you have done is sloughed off the toxic people, leaving you with 1-4 friends (based on my life), which feels like you're all alone, when in reality, you now only allow healthy and affirming people into your life. It's a win!!
@@Hawaiiansky11 Yes. It's gonna take time to adjust. Thank you!
What's worse than not having a red flag detector? Having a highly atuned one and ignoring it time and again.
I reaped what I sowed in my 20s. I was just as shallow manipulative in order to gain access to attention to money or sex with the opposite sex. After many years of therapy and healing not been completely there but have such a self-awareness. Now I can see why women were attracted to me and why they are attracted to me now in my 40s. Survival is their prime default. As was mine in my 20s. It was never about authentic loving relationships.
I love all of your points. I keep wondering what I am giving off as people even go out of their way to be inconsiderate at times: for example I just had a birthday and our working team always circulates birthday cards to sign and they get a cake for each person on their birthday. My last team meeting was the day after my birthday and the two co workers that I had given a homemade watercolour card to show appreciation for them as people and yet these two did not wish me happy birthday and to add insult to injury one of them asked me to sign two other cards for upcoming birthdays of other coworkers which are a month away!... I said nothing but felt so hurt! Is this normal?????
It is normal to feel hurt. It would be helpful to do the Daily Practice to sort through your feelings and deal with them. You want to know why other birthdays get acknowledged but yours was ignored. Was the team unaware it was your birthday? Were you supposed to announce it yourself? Or did the team know but disregard your birthday? Is there office politics involved?
@@onetuliptree They knew...the girl who took down the names and dates herself acted as though she did not know it was my birthday. There are some politics too because I confronted the bully of the group whom everyone is afraid of a while back and since than everyone is just wierd! Thanks for your comment and yes I do the daily practice which is really helpful!
Thank you so much!❤🙏
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
My problem had always been the narcissism. My parents would tell me that my now husband was the abuser, etc., when they did it themselves. My father was right in some ways, but that does not mean my husband wasn't willing to change. He did. Thank you, Anna and the Crappy Childhood Fairy team. Your videos always help to bring light. Blessed be.
@crappychildhoodfairy Im confused because I am not wounded or traumatised from childhood. I had an amazing, supporting, loving, ideal childhood but when I turned 18 and went out into the world I didn't have a red flag detector. I was not brought up to know bad people or bad situations. I was protected and cushioned. So how do I process this?
~Often, people on the spectrum do not make good impressions on friends & family~They end up being perceived as suspicious, etc.~
I think mostly i don’t have red light ditector is because i think myself is a red flag my past full of instability childhood and failed situation studies my journey even my sabotage behavior … so i don’t assume i have right to judge others … because i find few peoples ho can handle my story my complexity … so i hide i became people pleaser the nice happy one adapt to others … but being authentic is worthy it my lesson and yes resonate with you like exposing me i get conscientious day by day thank you ❤
well.. I think that for me the problem is that I empathise with those 'toxic' people a lot, coz I can sense they're also traumatised and suffer, and I feel like we can understand each other, like I finally met somebody who will understand me... or maybe I see my parents in them too?.. but what I didnt realise until very recently and have to remind myself all the time now is that they're sometimes even more traumatised than me and developed narcissistic personality distorder or simply refuse to work on themselves, so healthy relationship with them is simply not possible... :(
How? Well, you're born in to it. That's how bad people come in to your life.
In our desparate state of seeking acceptance, we ignore the red flags. It's only when we learn of our true worth, thru knowledge like this, do we acknowledge and process the red flags accordingly.
It’s getting better now but some still get through the cracks at times. And often it’s users or covert types. (The overt crap seems a lot more obvious to me). I find myself starting and not seeing something and then seeing it and then backpedaling out of there. What I DO find more often now tho is just being alone a lot tho. And I suppose the trick here is that it gets lonely and just finding ways to not fall prey in on and off lonely or vulnerable moments. Plus I guess it’s easier with romance Bcuz right now I’m just not even trying to find any kind of love interest.
I also purposed to stop engaging in “escapism.” Toxic folks so often want to offer a brilliant fantasy to drag you off into with them, and I’ve just had to stop believing in such escapist fantasies. My ho hum daily life is at times boring, but that’s perfectly ok. And strangely enough it has become a lot more interesting just to live in true reality day to day. Opening up the plethora of things about getting to know myself. And that leads to self honesty like what I really want and what are my standards? Where do I want to go with my life? Knowing yourself and where you wanna go could possibly be the best defense. Bcuz then you start filtering people based on are they in line with the way I’ve decided to go for myself…or not? Do they line up and fit in with it…or take me away from it? I guess it’s the basic principle of deciding what I want rather than allowing others to decide for me. If I’m chasing my own goals then I will be less likely to drift off of my path with various lures and distractIons. And at any rate, at least that is real. Whatever happens in fantasy la la land won’t ever be real anyways. They so often try to persuade you that your life is lacking and they could really bring more zing and excitement. But that’s the trick isn’t it? My life is good enough and perfectly fine just the way it is. Had to get rid of the FOMO. So then, standing for something and putting your foot down on it keeps you from falling for anything sub par or worse. Greener grass over there is not actually better than my imperfect lawn if it’s fake.
Damn fairy,you are always on point! Your videos are so eye opening, i would like to thank u for really helping me in my healing journey❤😊
Great video :) can someone explain to me… how strict is the red flag detector meant to be? My problem is I’m always getting into relationships with narcissists, but now I know that, I think I am overly cautious and even paranoid about avoiding friendships and relationships with people like this. If, say, someone had narcissistic traits, would this be a valid reason not to get into a relationship with them or am I now protecting myself too much at the cost of letting anyone in? Where do I draw the line? Thanks 💗
I see the red flags, all the time... but I see red flags in everyone even in myself, I use to see the the wounds and imperfections in ppl right away, since first interactions. The thing is, who is worthwile to be around? I see my imperfections a lot, so I tend to be forgiven to others... there are no angels in this world, and I'm walking red flag myself... so what do I do? Keep myself alone? Even my family is full of red flags... and I come from a huge family!
When I say you just described me so well in this video! OMG its almost scaring me a little, i relate to every single thing you just said. I just had something happen and I honestly can't figure out where i went wrong again. I knew something may have been wrong but I thought maybe it could be different this time. And I gave it time, and still git burned in the end. I want to try your course but I wonder if i can really be healed and what does that even look like??
Soul Suckers can stalk people they have never met online.
Lots of people are dealing with this scourge.
This is a new game that law enforcement has to figure out.
You are so right! Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
Wonderful video, Anna. Your insights are a thousand times better than a thousand self-help gurus.
I realized I had this problem years ago. I've been working on it since but I still overlook certain things that I later realize I shouldn't. It's hard to figure out the correct balance of being understanding of other people not being perfect vs people having severe issues that you need to avoid them for. I've had to let myself come to the conclusion over the years that there really AREN'T that many good, normal people out there and I need to stop making so many allowances in general. So I keep my circle of people I trust very tight these days as a result.
Love your content
What a gift❤
You need first to be patient learning those things you need to learn.
Your support group are the ones who encourage you to be your best
I fool learns from their own mistakes. I am a fool and I’m learning
Learning a lot from your brilliant video's, red flags becoming more clear. Trust and fear will take time to heal though. Thank you..
Thank you for watching, glad it was helpful! If you're interested, try The Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. You can find this free course here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I watch your videos because I have a wife that I think she either has CPTSD, vulnerable narcissism, or a mix of both. She was abused as a child. She left me in a very abusive way while projecting that I was the abuser. I am very empathetic and want her to heal. Her red flag detector was terrible since the day I met her and I did a lot to teach her. We have to coparent now. She is less agitated after a few months, but at one point, she saw me as an enemy with all the red flags. This is our second divorce so I am coming to terms with knowing that while I can be kind to her and work to understand her, I can't fix her.
I'm finding it tough to distinguish between vulnerable narcissism and CPTSD. It appears that with vulnerable narcissism, individuals remain trapped in a cycle of toxic shame without progressing to feelings of guilt or remorse, which seems akin to severe CPTSD. While there may be brief moments of self-reflection, these are infrequent and slow to emerge. The most challenging aspect is the pronounced lack of empathy during these episodes and dysregulation.
I think she might be afraid of me because I might be the only one that truly understands her which might make her feel vulnerable and defensive. I didn't understand everything, including my own attachment style, but I do now. I truly didn't understand how much space she needed. I just wanted to calm her with a hug. She has tried a lot of self help. When I met her she told me her mother was a narcissist and she was afraid of being like her. But it seems like that's where she ended up.
These days on the internet its hard to detect.. i grew up in narccity and a narchome. And i ended up being alone for 20yrs this way..everyone seemed to wave their red flags 😂😂😂 where do we find good guys and attractive (to my taste). Men of my age are old, worn out, narc or super boring or bluntly too stupid
Never let FRIENDS Judge your new partner lolz hell no! Especially when you want change in your life!
I think I am fairly good at seeing the red flags, but either my husband, or work colleagues, or 'society' dismisses them and says 'oh, its okay - you are over reacting - I am sure they didn't mean it', etc, etc. I try to say I told you so, but then they seem to forget that I told them. Trouble is I see a lot of red flags.
Well, the world is dysfunctional. Toxicity is rewarded so the worst of people comes to the forefront. I feel like crappy people are unavoidable in current times.
Exactly. I see too many red flags. And no I'm not overreacting I have these 'I told you so' moments all the time too. It's kinda like some of us are less tolerant of bs. Strange thing that even if it feels minor that others think is not worth making fuzz about it, somehow it often grows into big problem eventually
@@Nat-oj2uc You are exactly right. I never know whether to ignore them or not. I feel i have to say something - because I do notice stuff, and there is a reason I notice this stuff - not exactly a gift, but there is a reason for it. I don't know if I attract these people because there is a lesson that I am not learning, and these red flags keep getting sent to me as I need to learn - or if I attract these people because basically I am a trusting soul or easy pickings - or something. Its tricky. Sending love.
@Crappy Childhood Fairy, Thank You for this enlightening talk. I tend to see things as.. Hurt people hurt people.. I use awareness and compassion for they are where I once was and healed from, in saying that.. I also distance myself from them.. so they are truly the catalyst for change and redirection. my family grieved the loss of 3 family members recently all within 7 months. I felt it right to let a friend know this is why I hadn't been in touch, they didn't even offer their condolences, it saddened me briefly but knowing this is their character is a blessing too. Thank you Crappy Childhood fairy
"Going blank at the worst possible moment." Yes! I kept making the same mistake with someone because, although I'd swear "never again," I'd go back and forget in the moment what I'd promised myself. Sigh . . . .
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You are my «New therapist»
People can be great and loving to pets and still be abusive I've got two of them one is a narcissist sexist who cuddles with the pets you'd never know they're so abusive. The only one treats the same pets well yet has points of neglect as far as the pets would see it as they distance themselves from them so they aren't interfering with xyz they're doing these animals have developed health issued to to this type of hot cold on off again treatment by the other dysfunctional person.
resonated with this 🎯
Inappropriate people.. so my own doctor.. who is married.. who I've been dating for 3 weeks.. :/ This guy asked me out. I did not do anything to attract him. He had access to my medical file during my appointments and has texted me the last 3 appointments. I ignored him until this last one. Is he a predator?
Why are you dating him? He's married.
13:20 😭
Thanks. My vulnerability is my need for people. I sometimes let that override my red flags, especially with family members.
It's great you have that awareness! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks!
Hi Anna, VIDEO IDEA, I just watched baby reindeer and I got so much out of it on many levels and I think it would be so cool for you to make a commentary about the Netflix series. I watched it in one long evening. it goes along with what you’re talking about in this video; not having boundaries and repeating the abuse cycle. Because of the popularity of this show, I think it could also bring a lot of new people to your channel. Blessings ❤✨
You bloggers are always giving advice on dating but I am way, way behind, I want tips on how to recognize good people to have in your circle of friends, or even good neighbors or family members, including your own children. Not all PTSD people is smart and articulate like yourself, in fact, some of us are quite the opposite. A little "special", if I may say.
Hello my friend Jimmy referred me to you. I guess you know him from a meeting. I’m really enjoying your videos. Thank you for sharing.
I let them in until God shows me their true colors then I'm done
How Does one deal with an apparently Covert narsiccist brother-in - law who has manipulative in the TOTAL way to gaslight one and turn one's whole family against one at every level. Eek.
It’s not just dissociation or shutting down. It’s that the awful way things are presenting, is what you’re used to. You don’t know the good stuff, cos you’ve not experienced it. So that is alien and the bad stuff is what you know. And although it’s bad you know for certain it didn’t kill you. So it’s ‘safer’ to keep on with the devil you know 🌻
The issue is familiarity. We're attracted to familiar types of behavior, often to work out what we need to do differently.