I am a first time mom with a newborn and the reality of having a baby is that it is so much harder than you can ever imagine. It's one of those things that you can't know how difficult it is until you do it. Now when I hear someone I know is pregnant, I'm like wow they have no idea what they are getting into. I love my son but it's very difficult so I can't say I would have more kids at this point.
Okay. I really just want to speak to anyone wanting children watching this video and getting scared. This is just one person’s experience. Yes, motherhood and being the default/stay at home parent is tough and sometimes isolating. It may not be exactly what you expect. BUT, a really big BUT, if what you’ve always wanted to be was a parent then please go for it and don’t be scared. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and yes I have tough moments but I’ve never shared this person’s perspective. I have zero help, friends, family or childcare of any kind and a husband who works really long hours. And I’ve had exhausting days but I’ve never thought “Did I mess up my life? Make the wrong decision? Etc.” My daughter had so many health related issues for the first 3 months of life during a global pandemic and I was completely alone. It was devastatingly tough at times but I’ve never cried alone in the shower or locked myself in the bathroom. I’m not trying to shame anyone if this is their experience. It’s just not mine or everyone’s experience. The identity shift that comes with motherhood can be tough for some people but not for (in my experience) most people. Most people feel fulfilled, and really comfortable with their new and temporarily all consuming identity as “mom”. Children grow so, so fast. Things literally get easier with them each passing day. This is why people are usually so much more relaxed with their second child. It’s because they know that the tough parts go by so quick so they just embrace it and enjoy them while they’re small. Early motherhood is a time in your life to do just that, be a mother. You need to prioritize and manage your perspective. For example, you may dream of going to the zoo and swimming with your kids but can’t because of the weather or the pandemic, but you can’t lose the childlike enjoyment of at-home activities. You have to get creative and shift your perspective. Sidewalk chalk in the driveway is still fun, messy sensory activities, art projects, baking, walking in nature, watching feel-good kids movies, dance parties, decorating for small holidays like valentines. All of that is still possible and so much fun. You just need to have the perspective of knowing that this time with your kids is so short. They will only be kids for a very short amount of time. Really take everyday as an opportunity to make a new memory, and memorize their little faces, and snuggle them close. It’s just a fleeting period in your life. Don’t let anything too negative make you blink or skip a beat because you’ll miss it and want these days back so bad. Yes the days are long but the years are short. Motherhood becomes you for the first while, but that may just be exactly want you want! It’s not for everyone but if you think it may be for you, then I promise it’s all so worth it, even if you have tough times or the first little while is hard. Take care of yourself and try to have a long term positive perspective when thinking about children. 💕 xx
Thank you for saying this! My mother in law said about having my husband that “you do lose some freedom but you don’t miss it.” My mother had my brother at only 22, and has still done so many things in her life. When she had me she was flying to Bali for a vacation when I was only 6 weeks old. When I think about my mother and my mother in law, it gives me inspiration and hope that motherhood can be a fun, wonderful experience despite the challenges, and not something to fear or regret.
Thank you so much for making this video. I’m 10 weeks postpartum and needed to hear this. I love my baby but I miss my freedom and the person that I used to be. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.
I feel like before I had my baby, people made parenting sound 1000% miserable. I was the last of my acquaintances to have children, and I don’t know if my friends are just realer (or maybe more pessimistic) than others, but they at no point painted it as sunshine and rainbows. So the benefit of that is that honestly being a parent has been so much easier than I thought it would be. I also tried to mentally prepare so much for the identity shift, and my kid’s almost 2 and it just hasn’t happened yet, so maybe it just won’t 🤷🏻♀️ I have always felt like myself. I actually have a really hard time relating to other parents, which is kind of isolating, but I’m grateful that my experience has been easier, if maybe unrelatable for other parents. I definitely waited until I was 100% ready, I was over 30c and also enjoyed several years (3.5-ish) of childless marriage! Life’s never super easy, parenting isn’t either, but it is very full and beautiful.
@@monalisainperson7141 Hi! Not on anything! I wasn’t trying to give everyone’s experience, I was giving mine! I do NOT find society to be romantic about parenting, I find it to be very pessimistic. My kid is pretty mellow - some kids are! I’m actually now going through infertility. So frankly, your comment on how my take on parenting is crazy is not welcome.
@@brittanygancarz2475 well darling, we are different! I stand with many (not alone or the only one) parents finding parenting overwhelming and hard and also being lied from society and medical ppl about it. Good luck with Your plan for Your life, I wish Your dreams to come true genuinely. Ppl should be allowed to want different things in life.
I often think when we over prepare emotionally or expect the worse outcome into things, everything is pleasantly easier. Maybe that’s the secret or you have a dream child haha
The part of this video that's missing is the fact that the part you're talking about ends by like age 4-5. Yeah, with a newborn, they do require round the clock care. Then as a toddler, they're more independent, but still require constant supervision and can be little sociopaths (terrible twos/threes, amiright?). However, by age 4-5, they become independent and know how to listen for the most part, so they aren't all consuming. AND that's when they start school so it's almost like you're a part time mom 5 days a week. Then age like 7-8 rolls around and you can sleep in on some weekends if you want to and your kid literally knows how to get up and get themselves a bowl of cereal lol. The older they get, the easier they are. Your first child isn't even two yet, so I get why you feel like this. However, everything you're saying is a very temporary state. In the grand scheme of things, 5 years of your child monopolizing all your time isn't that long. Also, the older they get, the less they even want to hang out with you, so cherish this time where they are little pains in the butt, but need you to survive haha. The things you're saying aren't wrong, but it's coming off as this is a forever kind of thing in this video and it's definitely not.
I appreciate your perspective from more long-term experience! She did say "newborn phase" several times. I haven't had kids yet but am planning to start trying in the next year, and I did not get the idea that she was saying the newborn struggles last forever. The identity shift from person without kids to mother sounds pretty permanent, but the struggles with poor sleep and having another human depend on you completely sound temporary. I didn't feel misled by her.
@@annalovel5475 yeah, I def agree that she said newborn phase a lot. However, some of it seemed to also be applied to kids in general too, so I wanted to clarify, just in case anyone was panicking. Plus, having a 2 year old and a newborn would make the second kid seem way more difficult that it actually is. I had my second when my first was 7 yrs old and he's a breeze. She (the 7 yr old) liked to help so much. She even would take him to her room when he was an immobile newborn (obviously it was pre-screened for anything that would be detrimental to a baby). Shed grab diapers for me, bottles, help me pick out clothes, etc. I did get lucky and get a second one that slept through the night at 3 months old though too. My first didn't until 10 months old lol.
@@missloretta congratulations!!! It does get easier. Creating a consistent schedule is very helpful. My second is 16 months old now and he still takes 2 to 4 hr naps everyday and I'm lucky enough to work from home, so every so often I'll nap while he's napping. Self care is important. I'll prioritize that second to the children. It'll even come before house cleaning some days. So if you have a day you'd rather nap than fold laundry, DO IT! That laundry isn't going anywhere but your sanity level can rapidly disappear when overly stressed lol.
Thanks for being vulnerable with this - it’s pretty brave to admit all these things. We only see such a tiny portion of your life, so I could have the wrong idea here, but something that I think is worth mentioning is that some of the points you've raised might be different for someone with a partner who is equally involved in parenting. I sometimes get the feeling that your husband is not that involved. Obviously, with one parent working outside the home, often couples make the conscious decision that the working partner doesn’t have to get up at night for the baby so they are able to go out and function at work - which is a clear inequality but one that makes conscious and logistical sense for the family in those early years. But that doesn’t mean that the same has to apply to daylight hours before and after work. You’ve talked a few times about cleaning while your husband watches Netflix at night, him not cleaning up the kitchen fully, doing all the dinners/shopping/laundry, taking care of Theo even when your husband is there etc. It sounds like you do all the parenting, care work and domestic work even when he is around, and for someone who obviously misses their time-related freedom, this is definitely going to impact on your wellbeing! Motherhood and domestic labour is still work - it’s labour just like being in an office is labour - and if you really are doing all of this (and FemmeHead), that’s a very different situation than someone whose husband comes home and takes the toddler outside for a while to give the mother a break, or takes care of dinner, or does the housework on the weekends so that the mother has free time to just chill or go out and feel human with her friends. Parenting is definitely going to feel harder for you if you aren't supported. If your partner is not as deeply impacted by parenting, then that is the choice they have made. You mention clear communication about your intentions before having kids, but I hope you also have that communication about expectations around the domestic and parenting work now that they are here. As I said, I could have totally the wrong idea here - it’s just a vibe I get from things you say (and also from the way you seemed scared/hesitant to tell Michael you were pregnant with Lincoln even though he was in the house at the time you found out…), but it just makes me sad to hear that someone with feminist politics in other areas of their life doesn’t seem supported in terms of domestic/care-related labour. And it would make me sad that someone who educates people on women’s issues might be unconsciously sending the message to their sons that they are exempt from care/parenting work. I hope I’m wrong and that this is just something you aren’t talking about :)
I’m sorry but this comment made me really uncomfortable and I don’t even have kids. You thanked her for being honest and vulnerable but then you are dissecting/ exposing/ and even shamming her life, her actions and dialogues, her partner’s actions and even questioning her feminist values, all because of a “perception” that you have of her life. Of whatever she shares on TH-cam. I thought we were here to build each other up positively, to share experiences, and there are more private ways to communicate these things if advice is being requested (which is not the case). She is just sharing her point of view and I’m thankful to hear it, I’m all for people being real, and honest, regardless of what they do with their lives.
Subscribed. This is literally the best video ever. The most succinct description of what it's actually like. Also- I echo what a few others have said as a mama who is on round 2 of baby-life; the phase of life you're describing is really from 0-age 5. Around age 4.5 developmentally they really start to get easier and are off at TK/kindergarten or just playing independently and don't need you constantly to be supervising and keeping them alive. I raised my first daughter with very little help from dad age 0-3, then as a single mom 3-5, met my partner and then gave her a baby sister when she was 6.5!! I am starting all over in the baby phase (currently preggo with #3) and I definitely forgot how much of the baby phase (years 0-4) is so much grieving of the loss of freedom and managing resentment with a partner over how they havent' lost and given up as much, and feeling rage about how our culture is NOT set up to support mothers.
Definitely relatable. My son is almost a year old and I’m pregnant again with #2. The identity shift was something I was not prepared for at all and am still trying to grapple with. I remember being pregnant with my first and just daydreaming about taking him for walks. 🤣 That was like the main thing I thought about for some reason. Motherhood is so easily romanticized when you don’t have kids yet haha. The reality is so much more mundane than I ever imagined.
My advice when people ask: don’t have kids until you can’t NOT have them. I started to cry wanting my future child and I knew my husband and I were ready for it when we would both got emotional at the thought. (Son is 2.5/daughter is 3 months in the belly)
This can be helpful for some to think that way, I respect it, but if I took this advice, I would never decide to have kids. I always wanted to have them out of pure love and free will, I would not like to have my choice based on the dictate of emotions or hormones. I think people can have very different paths in life, so I really don't believe the reflection on whether you are ready to have kids can be that simple.
I think this is exactly where I am, and thats the feeling I'm waiting for. This video and your advice completely resonates with me! I'm not to the point where I can't not have a kid. All I want and dream about right now is travel. After this video and advice I feel more okay with that!!
Thank you for this. It speaks to my soul right now. Made me cry a bit on the couch because it feels so good to hear another mom say how I’m feeling and to realize it’s ok, we’re still good moms and we’re not alone
Thank you for sharing your truth. My husband and I have never wanted children, and we take a lot of shit for it, but I know I do not want this. I respect and cherish the mothers of the world, I just don't want to be one for the reasons you describe. I am fulfilled being the cool auntie, and I wish society would accept that. I support the mothers in my life because it takes a village!
I expected motherhood to be hard from a practical point of view, not to have time for myself, etc. I’m the ‘expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised’ type of person so I wasn’t very shocked by the lack if sleep, time, etc. What I didn’t expect is how hard it is emotionally and mentally. I worry a lot, second guess what I do all the time, feel lonelier because I feel like I need ‘a tribe’ more which I don’t, etc. My anxiety has been worse and a child definitely doesn’t help the relationship with your other half, it challenges it to the core. Whatever issues you have, a child is like a magnifying glass on them.
My baby girl just turned one and just started the kisses and hugs. It IS EVERYTHING!!! I totally get you. I dropped work to part time and gave up horseback riding (which I have been doing since I was 9) for a few years. I do feel the loss of identity, BUT I am holding out that this is all temporary. Covid has been a blessing (work flexibility) and a curse during this time. We don't have family nearby, so it's been all me. Also, I think some of the difficulty depends on the individual baby as well. The deciding "when the right time" is a struggle! I had been with my husband for 13 years, married for 8 and almost 32 when I gave birth. We had been talking about having a kid "in a year or two" for a couple years and I think I would kept saying that, except I got pregnant by accident! I needed a push of the cliff. All that being said, I love being a mom to my baby girl! I was very intent on only having one, but she is so awesome, I am considering a second. But maybe just one is good?
This is SO freaking important to talk about, thank you for your vulnerability!! 🤍I absolute adore being a mom and it’s my favorite role in my life but that transition was literally a slap in the face for both me and my partner. We knew of course our life would change but not that EVERYTHING would change. God knows I watched a million different mom videos when pregnant but I wish there was one like this that would have made everything a tad less shocking (our babe would have happened either way 🥰 but still )
I am a new mom. And I had prepared for a long time before getting pregnant. I would say I was not hit with the reality that I lost freedom and sleep. But I was shocked by how much I worry. I was a free-spirit and never worried before. Partly because my baby lost so much weight and I was struggling in breastfeeding. I just constantly remind myself of the facts that she is actually doing well.
I find our kids make us grow in ways that regard us very personally. Meaning they trigger childhood trauma. And that helps us heal from it if we adress it seriously. I got extremely anxious also. Later was Confronted with my reactions in stressful situations. Anger. Patience. All Themes that I need to grow in.
@@rayyg786 well said. You are absolutely right. After I had my girl, I actually smoothed out things with my family, something I thought I would never do. I am very grateful.
Thank you for making this video and sharing your real thoughts! I'm 26 and I've had baby fever for a few years already. Pretty bad one, to the point where I have been jealous of other women (especially my age) who have children and I've been emotional about seeing friends and cousins getting pregnant and having their first child. For me and my partner, starting to try to conceive will be possible in about a year. When you said in the video that you are jealous of other women who don't have kids, it just felt so funny to me because I realised that I should indeed just try and enjoy this time before kids while I still can, and that my turn will come eventually. And also it's very interesting and real to know about the honest truth of becoming a mom, for all kinds of feelings that it brings.
Congrats on finding the courage to be so honest! Thank you for making this video. Too often, society tells us that having kids is the only way to be fulfilled. As a single 26 year old, I really appreciate hearing the other side of the story! I will make the most of my freedom and enjoy it while it lasts!
I feel like ALL I see is “warnings” about parenthood and the identity shift that happens. Almost to the point where I feel delusional for still wanting to have kids??? I know this wasn’t the point of the video but it’s making me TERRIFIED to take the step when it’s something I do want??
I agree with this comment so much. I only hear how horrible having a child is, how many issues are there, etc, etc. As if now the perspective suddenly shifted from "everything in motherhood is pink and unicorn fluffy", now it is "everything in motherhood is tart black and disgusting". I only hear all the bad things and no one can really explain why all those troubles are worth having it on the first place. Even in this video "being mom is great" but why is it great if there is so much bad stuff around it?
Yes, there has been a shift recently where there is more focus on the bad stuff of parenting. I was in your shoes 2 years ago and thought the same thing. Now my daughter just had her first birthday. Everything that she said is true. It is so incredibly hard to have a baby, especially during a pandemic. But it gets easier. Find these warnings as an excuse to give yourself and others grace. Offer to put up that cart for a mom you see with her hands full with an infant in the parking lot. Because it is hard, and the world is not as family oriented anymore. I think of my daughter as a destroyer of worlds. She destroyed my world. But the experience has cast me into someone stronger and better than I ever thought possible. Before kids my life was steady, my emotions similar from moment to moment. Now I know joy and love and sacrifice in a way I never did before. When it gets hard I remind myself that I can do hard things and that this is temporary. I can binge TV and play video games and travel and sleep in for the rest of my life, but I only have a few short years with my child while she is little. Hope this helps!
I really hated when people used to Tell me all the time how hard it is to have kids. I was like "fuck off I'm not an idiot I know it Will be tough" It's not harder than I thought. I'm never jelous of women whitout kids. I do sometimes feel like I'm going insane, and that's when I go See my therapist or get a sitter to take time for myself.
I'm not a mother, so my view doesn't come from experience, but perhaps taking a lifetime perspective could help during the difficult times...? You are a mom for all time, even after your death you will live on in your kids and grandkids through memories they share of you, and the physical appearance, personality traits and habits they inherit from you. The roles will one day shift in your old age with them hopefully supporting you through your needs like driving you to your doctors' appointments or financial support if you need it, and finally holding your hand at your death. (Sorry this is coming across as morbid - my grandfather recently passed away and the circle of life was evident to me). I know being philosophical is sometimes the least useful thing when you're in the trenches of a hard situation, but the love you have for your kids and they have for you will reverberate beyond your lifetime! You've got this!❤️
Thanks for this, I'm 21 weeks pregnant and I have felt some anxiousness for that very reason of being aware that motherhood is WAY more than the pretty things and not many people own up to it or are specific about what about motherhood can actually suck. I feel like I've been keenly aware of all the flowery BS because while I have been wanting to be a mom for nearly two years now, I'm (finally) pregnant, and I low-key hate being pregnant lol so I'm glad you've made this video to help with what exactly it can be that is reality that can really be a slap in the face if I'm not prepared for the hardships that come with motherhood. ♥️
Genuinely I appreciate this! We’re planning to become pregnant and I’ve been looking for videos like this. I enjoy being able to hear about the realties, the struggles and the identity change. You’re videos are really amazing!!!!
I think as moms we are often hard on ourselves. This is why I share my honest experiences as well. It’s not all sunshine’s and rainbows but it’s rewarding and a blessing. All moms watching you’re not alone your doing a great job. Thanks for sharing❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience. In my experience people stop viewing you as a person and you're just mom now. When my family calls they ask about my daughter or my husband and I feel like I'm only seen as a baby maker. I rarely am asked how I am and I am struggling a lot as I am 26 weeks with my second and my daughter just turned one. I really felt a lot of what you said ❤
Lol ... you sound EXACTLY like my older sister. she is 33 and her kids are now 9 and 5....But i remember how she always said she had lost her identity and worm me that motherhood was HARD and only now when they are both in school she said she finally feel like she has some time again. So i understand the side of it how hard it is. Don't be discouraged if you feel like people scare you by this, i feel like women are just finally not glossing over it. it was always this hard, but people just only talked about the blessings of it. So i think it's awesome how women speak up like this.
I really appreciate this talk. Most women I've heard talk about the downsides tend to sound so resentful that they make motherhood sound like pure hell.
I needed this video. I have been struggling so much with deciding if I’m ready to become a mom. It’s something I have always wanted, and I still do. However, the stage of life I am in is making it seem so much more real and I am terrified.
I just had a kid and it is both easier and harder than I was expecting. I think if you're apprehensive then you're probably going to do great because you have an idea of what you're up against. I have been mourning my before-kid life, mostly the ease and closeness in my relationship with my husband, but I know it'll come back and I feel so so like happy in a way that is almost psychotic because it doesn't make sense because he makes my life a lot harder, about my kid. It's seriously the greatest thing ever. So whatever you're worried about, you're probably right and it will be hard but then a huge part of you will NOT care that you have difficulty doing whatever it was and feel that life is WAY better with your kid. It's seriously the best thing I've ever done. That's what I've been feeling anyway. Good luck. 💕
I’ve realized that my faith has supported me so much in this because my life is not meant to be all fun and games. It is about sacrificing my life and my time for my child and my family. It is all to the glory of God and my joy comes from him and not from my circumstances! Doesn’t mean it isn’t hard just means it’s not always about me.
As someone SOOO excited about having kids and wanting them sooner rather than later, thank you for making this! I am on my way to do some digging on the pros and cons of now vs later.
Same. I've had three children, who are 3, 14 & 18, and you have hit the nail on the head. The first 5 years is all consuming and does eat you up. BUT it does get so so much easier from then. At 3.5, I'm already feeling more like I can be me again, and that's even despite my boy being on the Spectrum. You'll reach the same point and you'll be able to take a deep breath. Xx
I love this! Sorry I totally dropped the ball on keeping up with your channel in the past couple of years, I had no idea you became a mom in the meantime 😅!!! First of, congratulations!!! Second, everything you said in this video is 100% so relatable. I had my kid in 2018 and had a very similar experience, mind you in a new city with very few friends, and closest family being an 1hr away, then 8hrs and my own family being 18hrs away, a hole hemisphere of the continent away to get some free baby sitting 😅 Motherhood is absolutely magical and it only gets better as they grow, but the identity crisis it a total mindf**c, though you come to realize that kids come to you to teach you more than for you to teach them. I have learned more about myself in this past 3yrs than in my entire life. I appreciate you talking the real talk and wish more people talked about the struggle openly so you don’t feel like you’re the only one failing at life 😅
This was great!! I’m not thinking about kids for at least another year but it’s so helpful and interesting to hear your side of things, especially as an entrepreneur mum! That’s my goal but it makes me realise I have a lot of work to get everything into place BEFORE I have kids 😜
I feel like I've been in this life B4 because as a child I was not interested in baby dolls and later in life I avoided motherhood. Must've had a whole tribe of terribles in the past! 💯
Couldn't agree more!! I wish society would be open to discuss the struggles of parenthood freely without judgement. Too often women just say "it's great" cause that's what's expected from them. And how is there a labor preperation course but no course that teaches you what really comes afterwards. Raising humans is hard work and I have yet to get paid or get some well deserved time off 😉
THANK YOU🙌🏻. People are so unrealistic out there. It definitely was a slap to the face when my baby arrived. She was fussy and so hard to adjust to her running the schedule. We also just traveled with her (she was 9 months old) and DANG! That was rough. Definitely not relaxing. 😂 Not that I thought it would be, but I was on edge for most of the trip. Thank you for speaking words of truth. Such a fan of you, Victoria.
Have you heard of the Parenting Junkie? She’s got a great TH-cam channel about creating the mothering experience that you really want and giving tools to make it go right. She’s really good
I knew it was going to be hard but I couldn't really understand. And you can't understand before you are in it no matter how many warnings you hear and how much that annoys you. When I hear someone is pregnant or is planning a baby I automatically think "oh boy, they don't know what they are getting themselves into". All that said I still really enjoy parenting most of the time and my kid is such an interesting little human :)
I think a lot of what you talk about is the same without the pandemic. But at least before the pandemic we could visit friends, have familie around and exactly as you say have fun toddler activities. That do make it easier to feel like being your old self.
Thank you for sharing this. I have a 11 month old and can relate to everything you said! As some have said, when they get older, it is gonna change a lot and we will get to reconnect with some parts of ourselves!
OMG, everything you are saying I can 1000% relate to. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable. I do not think that a mom to be would get it before having a baby, and it is wonderful that they do not, otherwise we would all be so much more hesitant to have a baby 😅
From the child free perspective, I really appreciate your honesty. I see too many young women around me having babies just because they think it’s just what is expected. They see cute photos of babies and the good side of things on social media, but I worry they are prepared for the grueling day-to-day reality of being a parent. It’s a choice to have kids or not have kids and each comes with it’s drawbacks.
Victoria, you skope from my heart! Theo is two months older than my son, Holden, so I truly agree with every single words that you just said! Thank you for sharing, it means a lot!❤️
Thank you for your honesty! It's really important to open up these topics even though it is very personal and may be difficult to share, you're very brave! ;) I just think it's sad that you are saying that you lose freedom when you become a mom. Of course it depends on how you define your freedom for yourself, but you can have freedom, as Victor Frankl said: Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. (for context, Frankl was in a concentration camp, but I truly believe this can be applied to almost any situation in life) Please try to see this as an encouragement. I noticed you said so many times throughout the video "I can't". I think it's about finding ways, I know that's it's you in the first place who needs to stretch and adapt to the baby's needs, but your needs are also important. I believe it starts in our heads. If you say to yourself "I can." "I will find a way.", that could be a great beginning. And then you are also not alone in this, your partner is with you and you can share all of this with him. I think that men should be influenced by having kids as much as women. Sure, it's in a different way, but I think he should be involved in everything that you are going through, that you are going through as a family. Also, I assure you, even for people without kids, life is not just fun, they can be maybe more carefree, but they also have struggles, doubts, painful moments. Life is not about fun. Life is beautiful and hard, if you strive to give it meaning.
I totally agree with you on this one. I have the same thoughts when I see pregnant women lol. It is a huuuuge slap in the face, and so different for moms vs dads. Now that mine are 4 and 2 it is getting better but I remember feeling these things you described constantly for about the first 3 years of my daughters life.
I have noticed that as humans, we often wish we had something others have. Those with no kids see the beautiful aspects of having children and take for granted all the free time they have. I am childfree and have so much free time...I waste so much of it. So think about it, maybe you would not even appreciate your free time if you had no kids. Enjoy your children and your family time as much as you can!
Thank you so so much for sharing!!!! I have been really wanting to be a mom lately but my husband and I are recently married (less than a year) and he’s not ready yet. I’ve been trying really hard to be content in the season I’m in and not wish so much to be a mom right now. I loved what you said and I will continue thinking about it as I know many things will change when we do decide to TTC.
Okay. I am at about 08:00. Can I be honest? I have so ambivalent feelings... It's like I would like to give this video a thumbs up and a thumbs down at the same time... I don't have kids yet which explains a lot. What scares me is this loss of freedom. I assume it is so true. I suppose (I hope) I will quite enjoy parenting if there was no necessity of making money at the same time. I mean, it's not the shift in identity that is so scary but the reality of being a mother and trying to make ends meet at the same time. Okay, now I will watch the rest of the video.
My partner and I want to start trying to conceive this summer so this video came at a really good time. We have a really close and supportive relationship, but I just worry what lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of freedom and a baby in the mix will do to that. I realize our relationship will have to take a back seat for a while, but any tips on how to keep it close and supportive rather than resentful and distant? We are currently very good at discussing and sharing responsibility for housework, chores, admin etc., but because of our work situations I will be the primary caregiver, at least for the first year, while I'm on maternity leave (in the UK) and so that will naturally shift things.
Not saying motherhood is easy either but I didn’t suffer personality swift because of them I went through phases of life as result I changed however isn’t that normal in ppl with or without kids? I have 5 kids, lawyer, master student, wife, daughter, sister, myself and housewife 😅😅 nowhere near perfection but choices… the events msy be similar to all of us the diff is how we approach and deal with them. Ppl make life look so hard when in fact we live in a developed country … what’s left for the others in less privileged countries to complain for? God is great we are too just try to make the most of what he has given you ❤
This has been helpful things to consider as someone who is getting to “the age” of having children (I’m almost 28) but not being ready to give up my “selfish” lifestyle. I do want a child but I don’t know when I will be ready to give up my freedom... how does one know they’re ready to give up their freedom?
I don’t think anyone is ever ready. I do feel like it’s easier when you are younger because you haven’t had your adult freedom for very long so it’s not something you got used to. The longer you are used to being “selfish” (for lack of a better word, I just mean like doing things alone, being able to make decisions just for yourself, etc. not that people who don’t have kids are selfish!) the harder it is to give that up. For me, I am a super introvert and it was hard for me to ALWAYS be with someone all the time but it’s much more fulfilling than anything I have ever done and has refined my character more than anything else ever could.
@@megandelli1 I agree! I am 29 turning 30 before this babe comes and I feel like it'll be so hard to adjust! It has just been my husband and I for so long being able to do whatever we want whenever we want!
I knew I wanted to have a child earlier in life because I knew I wanted to be able to enjoy life at a “younger age” once they were in college. I was 28 when I had my first. Not super young, but younger than a lot of people these days. I wanted to be able to go on trips and hopefully not have a ton of ailments once they are older. So instead of just enjoying life in my twenties, my husband and I are banking on enjoying the empty nest years too! Not sure if that makes sense or not...
coming from the perspective of someone with no children, my take on this video is obviously based in a lack of personal experience. however, what you said about being the "default parent" and having your partner not being as affected by becoming a parent, going on with their life, etc. struck a cord with me. my mother was in the same position when she had my brother and I, with my dad continuing to work and finish college full time. she has endured chronic depression most of her life, exacerbated as a result from chemical imbalances that occurred from years of little to no sleep while caring for two young children with minimal help. women bearing the burden of all the housework and child raising is a sad and lonely endeavor, often not without physical and mental health consequences. I realize this video is from the perspective of you and your partner's dynamic, but I am hesitant to believe that every woman will experience this, especially if household duties and child raising tasks are split in a more balanced way between mom and dad, giving mom a break and time to fulfill herself in other ways. I am open to being wrong and would love to hear other perspectives, and as always glad to see your journey evolve, Victoria. you are an incredible woman 💗
Sorry in advance if this is offensive, but I was just wondering what your partner does. You never spoke about it, or I missed it. How often does he take care of the baby (I think he does in the morning), does he cook too, clean, etc.? I’m really curious about the repartition of the tasks because that’s one thing that scares me about living with someone and having a child. Thank you for your video, it was really interesting
It’s so sad how western families are not United once a baby is born. My boyfriend is Mexican and I am so happy that I know I will have his mom, his siblings, his aunts and uncles, to help me whenever I need some space or freedom. Families in the US and Canada need to adopt this more. There’s no reason for a mom to be alone
I remember becoming a mom for the first time and it was a total slap in the face lol just like you said. In the beginning i remember going to bed at night feeling just completely wiped out and thinking 'what the hell was i doing (regarding time) before kids?" Reflecting now, as a mom of a 5 and 2 year old, it was the next necessary step for personal growth. It may sound like white noise but you really never know how much you can love someone before having a kid. Most mothers i know walk through heaven, hell and back on the daily 😂 Hang in there to all the mamas out there ♥
Why does the mother have to be the 'default parent' and lose their identity while the father gets to keep theirs? I just doesn't seem very feminist. No hate it just bothers me.
I also hate that default parent usually also means family planner and preparer. Not only default for child stuff, but default for making sure the TP is stocked up and that there's a plan for supper and that dad has clean undies for work. >:(
I’m sorry but why do you need two kids? I don't understand people who have more than one kid. It is not necessary. I understand one as there us so much pressure on women that there lives are not whole without experiencing motherhood but why two?
I think the number of kids people want is really specific to them. Some people don't want any, some want two and some want a huge family. Nothing wrong either way, just choose what's best for you :)
If it makes your feel any better im 31, never thought I wanted children, now I do. You get to a point that doing whatever you want 24'7 is boring and not as fulliing as the big meaningful thing in your life like family and children. Also your career can only create so much fulfillment. P.s. someone will have to change your diapers one day 😆🥰
Literally everyone only ever talks about how hard it is to be a parent.. I never hear anyone with children say it’s easy or fun. I usually like your videos but this one was a bit dreadful :/ please don’t post anything more like this.
This is mild. My goodness. Sensitive much! Do u have access to the Internet? The reams of women claiming that being a mother is an absolute nightmare and a total mistake. Relatively, This is barely even mildly critical of motherhood, its one of the most positive portrayals I've seen! She's pro motherhood.
I am a first time mom with a newborn and the reality of having a baby is that it is so much harder than you can ever imagine. It's one of those things that you can't know how difficult it is until you do it. Now when I hear someone I know is pregnant, I'm like wow they have no idea what they are getting into. I love my son but it's very difficult so I can't say I would have more kids at this point.
Okay. I really just want to speak to anyone wanting children watching this video and getting scared.
This is just one person’s experience. Yes, motherhood and being the default/stay at home parent is tough and sometimes isolating. It may not be exactly what you expect.
BUT, a really big BUT, if what you’ve always wanted to be was a parent then please go for it and don’t be scared. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and yes I have tough moments but I’ve never shared this person’s perspective.
I have zero help, friends, family or childcare of any kind and a husband who works really long hours. And I’ve had exhausting days but I’ve never thought “Did I mess up my life? Make the wrong decision? Etc.”
My daughter had so many health related issues for the first 3 months of life during a global pandemic and I was completely alone. It was devastatingly tough at times but I’ve never cried alone in the shower or locked myself in the bathroom. I’m not trying to shame anyone if this is their experience. It’s just not mine or everyone’s experience.
The identity shift that comes with motherhood can be tough for some people but not for (in my experience) most people. Most people feel fulfilled, and really comfortable with their new and temporarily all consuming identity as “mom”.
Children grow so, so fast. Things literally get easier with them each passing day. This is why people are usually so much more relaxed with their second child. It’s because they know that the tough parts go by so quick so they just embrace it and enjoy them while they’re small.
Early motherhood is a time in your life to do just that, be a mother. You need to prioritize and manage your perspective. For example, you may dream of going to the zoo and swimming with your kids but can’t because of the weather or the pandemic, but you can’t lose the childlike enjoyment of at-home activities. You have to get creative and shift your perspective.
Sidewalk chalk in the driveway is still fun, messy sensory activities, art projects, baking, walking in nature, watching feel-good kids movies, dance parties, decorating for small holidays like valentines. All of that is still possible and so much fun. You just need to have the perspective of knowing that this time with your kids is so short.
They will only be kids for a very short amount of time. Really take everyday as an opportunity to make a new memory, and memorize their little faces, and snuggle them close. It’s just a fleeting period in your life. Don’t let anything too negative make you blink or skip a beat because you’ll miss it and want these days back so bad.
Yes the days are long but the years are short. Motherhood becomes you for the first while, but that may just be exactly want you want! It’s not for everyone but if you think it may be for you, then I promise it’s all so worth it, even if you have tough times or the first little while is hard.
Take care of yourself and try to have a long term positive perspective when thinking about children. 💕 xx
Thank you for saying this! My mother in law said about having my husband that “you do lose some freedom but you don’t miss it.” My mother had my brother at only 22, and has still done so many things in her life. When she had me she was flying to Bali for a vacation when I was only 6 weeks old. When I think about my mother and my mother in law, it gives me inspiration and hope that motherhood can be a fun, wonderful experience despite the challenges, and not something to fear or regret.
Thank you so much for making this video. I’m 10 weeks postpartum and needed to hear this. I love my baby but I miss my freedom and the person that I used to be. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.
I feel like before I had my baby, people made parenting sound 1000% miserable. I was the last of my acquaintances to have children, and I don’t know if my friends are just realer (or maybe more pessimistic) than others, but they at no point painted it as sunshine and rainbows. So the benefit of that is that honestly being a parent has been so much easier than I thought it would be. I also tried to mentally prepare so much for the identity shift, and my kid’s almost 2 and it just hasn’t happened yet, so maybe it just won’t 🤷🏻♀️ I have always felt like myself. I actually have a really hard time relating to other parents, which is kind of isolating, but I’m grateful that my experience has been easier, if maybe unrelatable for other parents. I definitely waited until I was 100% ready, I was over 30c and also enjoyed several years (3.5-ish) of childless marriage! Life’s never super easy, parenting isn’t either, but it is very full and beautiful.
Thank you for sharing this experience, this is so nice to read...around me I mostly hear negative things about parenthood.
@@monalisainperson7141 Hi! Not on anything! I wasn’t trying to give everyone’s experience, I was giving mine! I do NOT find society to be romantic about parenting, I find it to be very pessimistic. My kid is pretty mellow - some kids are! I’m actually now going through infertility. So frankly, your comment on how my take on parenting is crazy is not welcome.
@@brittanygancarz2475 well darling, we are different! I stand with many (not alone or the only one) parents finding parenting overwhelming and hard and also being lied from society and medical ppl about it. Good luck with Your plan for Your life, I wish Your dreams to come true genuinely. Ppl should be allowed to want different things in life.
I often think when we over prepare emotionally or expect the worse outcome into things, everything is pleasantly easier. Maybe that’s the secret or you have a dream child haha
What do you mean by 30c?
The part of this video that's missing is the fact that the part you're talking about ends by like age 4-5. Yeah, with a newborn, they do require round the clock care. Then as a toddler, they're more independent, but still require constant supervision and can be little sociopaths (terrible twos/threes, amiright?).
However, by age 4-5, they become independent and know how to listen for the most part, so they aren't all consuming. AND that's when they start school so it's almost like you're a part time mom 5 days a week. Then age like 7-8 rolls around and you can sleep in on some weekends if you want to and your kid literally knows how to get up and get themselves a bowl of cereal lol.
The older they get, the easier they are. Your first child isn't even two yet, so I get why you feel like this. However, everything you're saying is a very temporary state. In the grand scheme of things, 5 years of your child monopolizing all your time isn't that long.
Also, the older they get, the less they even want to hang out with you, so cherish this time where they are little pains in the butt, but need you to survive haha.
The things you're saying aren't wrong, but it's coming off as this is a forever kind of thing in this video and it's definitely not.
I appreciate your perspective from more long-term experience!
She did say "newborn phase" several times. I haven't had kids yet but am planning to start trying in the next year, and I did not get the idea that she was saying the newborn struggles last forever. The identity shift from person without kids to mother sounds pretty permanent, but the struggles with poor sleep and having another human depend on you completely sound temporary. I didn't feel misled by her.
I have a newborn and this is SOOO good to hear, omg. 😂🙌
Absolutely. And thank god for that or no one would ever willingly do motherhood LOL
@@annalovel5475 yeah, I def agree that she said newborn phase a lot. However, some of it seemed to also be applied to kids in general too, so I wanted to clarify, just in case anyone was panicking.
Plus, having a 2 year old and a newborn would make the second kid seem way more difficult that it actually is.
I had my second when my first was 7 yrs old and he's a breeze. She (the 7 yr old) liked to help so much. She even would take him to her room when he was an immobile newborn (obviously it was pre-screened for anything that would be detrimental to a baby).
Shed grab diapers for me, bottles, help me pick out clothes, etc.
I did get lucky and get a second one that slept through the night at 3 months old though too. My first didn't until 10 months old lol.
@@missloretta congratulations!!! It does get easier.
Creating a consistent schedule is very helpful.
My second is 16 months old now and he still takes 2 to 4 hr naps everyday and I'm lucky enough to work from home, so every so often I'll nap while he's napping.
Self care is important. I'll prioritize that second to the children. It'll even come before house cleaning some days.
So if you have a day you'd rather nap than fold laundry, DO IT! That laundry isn't going anywhere but your sanity level can rapidly disappear when overly stressed lol.
Thanks for being vulnerable with this - it’s pretty brave to admit all these things. We only see such a tiny portion of your life, so I could have the wrong idea here, but something that I think is worth mentioning is that some of the points you've raised might be different for someone with a partner who is equally involved in parenting. I sometimes get the feeling that your husband is not that involved. Obviously, with one parent working outside the home, often couples make the conscious decision that the working partner doesn’t have to get up at night for the baby so they are able to go out and function at work - which is a clear inequality but one that makes conscious and logistical sense for the family in those early years. But that doesn’t mean that the same has to apply to daylight hours before and after work. You’ve talked a few times about cleaning while your husband watches Netflix at night, him not cleaning up the kitchen fully, doing all the dinners/shopping/laundry, taking care of Theo even when your husband is there etc. It sounds like you do all the parenting, care work and domestic work even when he is around, and for someone who obviously misses their time-related freedom, this is definitely going to impact on your wellbeing!
Motherhood and domestic labour is still work - it’s labour just like being in an office is labour - and if you really are doing all of this (and FemmeHead), that’s a very different situation than someone whose husband comes home and takes the toddler outside for a while to give the mother a break, or takes care of dinner, or does the housework on the weekends so that the mother has free time to just chill or go out and feel human with her friends. Parenting is definitely going to feel harder for you if you aren't supported. If your partner is not as deeply impacted by parenting, then that is the choice they have made. You mention clear communication about your intentions before having kids, but I hope you also have that communication about expectations around the domestic and parenting work now that they are here. As I said, I could have totally the wrong idea here - it’s just a vibe I get from things you say (and also from the way you seemed scared/hesitant to tell Michael you were pregnant with Lincoln even though he was in the house at the time you found out…), but it just makes me sad to hear that someone with feminist politics in other areas of their life doesn’t seem supported in terms of domestic/care-related labour. And it would make me sad that someone who educates people on women’s issues might be unconsciously sending the message to their sons that they are exempt from care/parenting work. I hope I’m wrong and that this is just something you aren’t talking about :)
I’m sorry but this comment made me really uncomfortable and I don’t even have kids. You thanked her for being honest and vulnerable but then you are dissecting/ exposing/ and even shamming her life, her actions and dialogues, her partner’s actions and even questioning her feminist values, all because of a “perception” that you have of her life. Of whatever she shares on TH-cam. I thought we were here to build each other up positively, to share experiences, and there are more private ways to communicate these things if advice is being requested (which is not the case). She is just sharing her point of view and I’m thankful to hear it, I’m all for people being real, and honest, regardless of what they do with their lives.
Subscribed. This is literally the best video ever. The most succinct description of what it's actually like. Also- I echo what a few others have said as a mama who is on round 2 of baby-life; the phase of life you're describing is really from 0-age 5. Around age 4.5 developmentally they really start to get easier and are off at TK/kindergarten or just playing independently and don't need you constantly to be supervising and keeping them alive. I raised my first daughter with very little help from dad age 0-3, then as a single mom 3-5, met my partner and then gave her a baby sister when she was 6.5!! I am starting all over in the baby phase (currently preggo with #3) and I definitely forgot how much of the baby phase (years 0-4) is so much grieving of the loss of freedom and managing resentment with a partner over how they havent' lost and given up as much, and feeling rage about how our culture is NOT set up to support mothers.
Definitely relatable. My son is almost a year old and I’m pregnant again with #2. The identity shift was something I was not prepared for at all and am still trying to grapple with. I remember being pregnant with my first and just daydreaming about taking him for walks. 🤣 That was like the main thing I thought about for some reason. Motherhood is so easily romanticized when you don’t have kids yet haha. The reality is so much more mundane than I ever imagined.
My advice when people ask: don’t have kids until you can’t NOT have them.
I started to cry wanting my future child and I knew my husband and I were ready for it when we would both got emotional at the thought. (Son is 2.5/daughter is 3 months in the belly)
I know what you mean. I missed my daughter (now 1) before she ever existed.
This is really great advice
I love this advice!
This can be helpful for some to think that way, I respect it, but if I took this advice, I would never decide to have kids. I always wanted to have them out of pure love and free will, I would not like to have my choice based on the dictate of emotions or hormones. I think people can have very different paths in life, so I really don't believe the reflection on whether you are ready to have kids can be that simple.
I think this is exactly where I am, and thats the feeling I'm waiting for. This video and your advice completely resonates with me! I'm not to the point where I can't not have a kid. All I want and dream about right now is travel. After this video and advice I feel more okay with that!!
Thank you for this. It speaks to my soul right now. Made me cry a bit on the couch because it feels so good to hear another mom say how I’m feeling and to realize it’s ok, we’re still good moms and we’re not alone
Thank you for sharing your truth. My husband and I have never wanted children, and we take a lot of shit for it, but I know I do not want this. I respect and cherish the mothers of the world, I just don't want to be one for the reasons you describe. I am fulfilled being the cool auntie, and I wish society would accept that. I support the mothers in my life because it takes a village!
I expected motherhood to be hard from a practical point of view, not to have time for myself, etc. I’m the ‘expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised’ type of person so I wasn’t very shocked by the lack if sleep, time, etc. What I didn’t expect is how hard it is emotionally and mentally. I worry a lot, second guess what I do all the time, feel lonelier because I feel like I need ‘a tribe’ more which I don’t, etc. My anxiety has been worse and a child definitely doesn’t help the relationship with your other half, it challenges it to the core. Whatever issues you have, a child is like a magnifying glass on them.
My baby girl just turned one and just started the kisses and hugs. It IS EVERYTHING!!! I totally get you. I dropped work to part time and gave up horseback riding (which I have been doing since I was 9) for a few years. I do feel the loss of identity, BUT I am holding out that this is all temporary. Covid has been a blessing (work flexibility) and a curse during this time. We don't have family nearby, so it's been all me. Also, I think some of the difficulty depends on the individual baby as well. The deciding "when the right time" is a struggle! I had been with my husband for 13 years, married for 8 and almost 32 when I gave birth. We had been talking about having a kid "in a year or two" for a couple years and I think I would kept saying that, except I got pregnant by accident! I needed a push of the cliff. All that being said, I love being a mom to my baby girl! I was very intent on only having one, but she is so awesome, I am considering a second. But maybe just one is good?
This is SO freaking important to talk about, thank you for your vulnerability!! 🤍I absolute adore being a mom and it’s my favorite role in my life but that transition was literally a slap in the face for both me and my partner. We knew of course our life would change but not that EVERYTHING would change. God knows I watched a million different mom videos when pregnant but I wish there was one like this that would have made everything a tad less shocking (our babe would have happened either way 🥰 but still )
I am a new mom. And I had prepared for a long time before getting pregnant. I would say I was not hit with the reality that I lost freedom and sleep. But I was shocked by how much I worry. I was a free-spirit and never worried before. Partly because my baby lost so much weight and I was struggling in breastfeeding. I just constantly remind myself of the facts that she is actually doing well.
I find our kids make us grow in ways that regard us very personally. Meaning they trigger childhood trauma. And that helps us heal from it if we adress it seriously. I got extremely anxious also. Later was Confronted with my reactions in stressful situations. Anger. Patience. All Themes that I need to grow in.
@@rayyg786 well said. You are absolutely right. After I had my girl, I actually smoothed out things with my family, something I thought I would never do. I am very grateful.
Thank you for making this video and sharing your real thoughts! I'm 26 and I've had baby fever for a few years already. Pretty bad one, to the point where I have been jealous of other women (especially my age) who have children and I've been emotional about seeing friends and cousins getting pregnant and having their first child. For me and my partner, starting to try to conceive will be possible in about a year. When you said in the video that you are jealous of other women who don't have kids, it just felt so funny to me because I realised that I should indeed just try and enjoy this time before kids while I still can, and that my turn will come eventually. And also it's very interesting and real to know about the honest truth of becoming a mom, for all kinds of feelings that it brings.
Congrats on finding the courage to be so honest! Thank you for making this video. Too often, society tells us that having kids is the only way to be fulfilled. As a single 26 year old, I really appreciate hearing the other side of the story! I will make the most of my freedom and enjoy it while it lasts!
I feel like ALL I see is “warnings” about parenthood and the identity shift that happens. Almost to the point where I feel delusional for still wanting to have kids???
I know this wasn’t the point of the video but it’s making me TERRIFIED to take the step when it’s something I do want??
I relate so much to what you said!
Yes I actually feel like everyone only ever tells me how hard it’s going to be. People can’t wait to tell you it’s going to be hard
I agree with this comment so much. I only hear how horrible having a child is, how many issues are there, etc, etc. As if now the perspective suddenly shifted from "everything in motherhood is pink and unicorn fluffy", now it is "everything in motherhood is tart black and disgusting". I only hear all the bad things and no one can really explain why all those troubles are worth having it on the first place. Even in this video "being mom is great" but why is it great if there is so much bad stuff around it?
Yes, there has been a shift recently where there is more focus on the bad stuff of parenting. I was in your shoes 2 years ago and thought the same thing. Now my daughter just had her first birthday. Everything that she said is true. It is so incredibly hard to have a baby, especially during a pandemic. But it gets easier. Find these warnings as an excuse to give yourself and others grace. Offer to put up that cart for a mom you see with her hands full with an infant in the parking lot. Because it is hard, and the world is not as family oriented anymore. I think of my daughter as a destroyer of worlds. She destroyed my world. But the experience has cast me into someone stronger and better than I ever thought possible. Before kids my life was steady, my emotions similar from moment to moment. Now I know joy and love and sacrifice in a way I never did before. When it gets hard I remind myself that I can do hard things and that this is temporary. I can binge TV and play video games and travel and sleep in for the rest of my life, but I only have a few short years with my child while she is little. Hope this helps!
I really hated when people used to Tell me all the time how hard it is to have kids. I was like "fuck off I'm not an idiot I know it Will be tough"
It's not harder than I thought. I'm never jelous of women whitout kids. I do sometimes feel like I'm going insane, and that's when I go See my therapist or get a sitter to take time for myself.
“Oh the weather outside is weather”
Your level of honesty is so amazing! Thank you for opening up with us and being so upfront. You’re helping so many people ❤️
I'm not a mother, so my view doesn't come from experience, but perhaps taking a lifetime perspective could help during the difficult times...? You are a mom for all time, even after your death you will live on in your kids and grandkids through memories they share of you, and the physical appearance, personality traits and habits they inherit from you. The roles will one day shift in your old age with them hopefully supporting you through your needs like driving you to your doctors' appointments or financial support if you need it, and finally holding your hand at your death. (Sorry this is coming across as morbid - my grandfather recently passed away and the circle of life was evident to me). I know being philosophical is sometimes the least useful thing when you're in the trenches of a hard situation, but the love you have for your kids and they have for you will reverberate beyond your lifetime! You've got this!❤️
Thanks for this, I'm 21 weeks pregnant and I have felt some anxiousness for that very reason of being aware that motherhood is WAY more than the pretty things and not many people own up to it or are specific about what about motherhood can actually suck. I feel like I've been keenly aware of all the flowery BS because while I have been wanting to be a mom for nearly two years now, I'm (finally) pregnant, and I low-key hate being pregnant lol so I'm glad you've made this video to help with what exactly it can be that is reality that can really be a slap in the face if I'm not prepared for the hardships that come with motherhood. ♥️
hey I know a spell caster that can help you manifest children into your womb in less than 2weeks,he helped my sis and my aunt.
Genuinely I appreciate this! We’re planning to become pregnant and I’ve been looking for videos like this. I enjoy being able to hear about the realties, the struggles and the identity change. You’re videos are really amazing!!!!
hey I know a spell caster that can help you manifest children into your womb in less than 2weeks,he helped my sis and my aunt.
I think as moms we are often hard on ourselves. This is why I share my honest experiences as well. It’s not all sunshine’s and rainbows but it’s rewarding and a blessing. All moms watching you’re not alone your doing a great job. Thanks for sharing❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience. In my experience people stop viewing you as a person and you're just mom now. When my family calls they ask about my daughter or my husband and I feel like I'm only seen as a baby maker. I rarely am asked how I am and I am struggling a lot as I am 26 weeks with my second and my daughter just turned one. I really felt a lot of what you said ❤
Lol ... you sound EXACTLY like my older sister. she is 33 and her kids are now 9 and 5....But i remember how she always said she had lost her identity and worm me that motherhood was HARD and only now when they are both in school she said she finally feel like she has some time again. So i understand the side of it how hard it is. Don't be discouraged if you feel like people scare you by this, i feel like women are just finally not glossing over it. it was always this hard, but people just only talked about the blessings of it. So i think it's awesome how women speak up like this.
I really appreciate this talk. Most women I've heard talk about the downsides tend to sound so resentful that they make motherhood sound like pure hell.
Motherhood is a blessing experience, some people just make it overwhelming for us.
Let's keep up the good work... We're doing a good job so far.
I needed this video. I have been struggling so much with deciding if I’m ready to become a mom. It’s something I have always wanted, and I still do. However, the stage of life I am in is making it seem so much more real and I am terrified.
I just had a kid and it is both easier and harder than I was expecting. I think if you're apprehensive then you're probably going to do great because you have an idea of what you're up against. I have been mourning my before-kid life, mostly the ease and closeness in my relationship with my husband, but I know it'll come back and I feel so so like happy in a way that is almost psychotic because it doesn't make sense because he makes my life a lot harder, about my kid. It's seriously the greatest thing ever.
So whatever you're worried about, you're probably right and it will be hard but then a huge part of you will NOT care that you have difficulty doing whatever it was and feel that life is WAY better with your kid. It's seriously the best thing I've ever done.
That's what I've been feeling anyway. Good luck. 💕
I’ve realized that my faith has supported me so much in this because my life is not meant to be all fun and games. It is about sacrificing my life and my time for my child and my family. It is all to the glory of God and my joy comes from him and not from my circumstances! Doesn’t mean it isn’t hard just means it’s not always about me.
As someone SOOO excited about having kids and wanting them sooner rather than later, thank you for making this! I am on my way to do some digging on the pros and cons of now vs later.
Same. I've had three children, who are 3, 14 & 18, and you have hit the nail on the head. The first 5 years is all consuming and does eat you up. BUT it does get so so much easier from then. At 3.5, I'm already feeling more like I can be me again, and that's even despite my boy being on the Spectrum. You'll reach the same point and you'll be able to take a deep breath. Xx
Thanks for being open and honest. Never feel guilty for that 💗
I love this! Sorry I totally dropped the ball on keeping up with your channel in the past couple of years, I had no idea you became a mom in the meantime 😅!!! First of, congratulations!!! Second, everything you said in this video is 100% so relatable. I had my kid in 2018 and had a very similar experience, mind you in a new city with very few friends, and closest family being an 1hr away, then 8hrs and my own family being 18hrs away, a hole hemisphere of the continent away to get some free baby sitting 😅
Motherhood is absolutely magical and it only gets better as they grow, but the identity crisis it a total mindf**c, though you come to realize that kids come to you to teach you more than for you to teach them. I have learned more about myself in this past 3yrs than in my entire life.
I appreciate you talking the real talk and wish more people talked about the struggle openly so you don’t feel like you’re the only one failing at life 😅
This was great!! I’m not thinking about kids for at least another year but it’s so helpful and interesting to hear your side of things, especially as an entrepreneur mum! That’s my goal but it makes me realise I have a lot of work to get everything into place BEFORE I have kids 😜
During an eclipse Mother Gaia told $elene Mercury the Suns moon… if that’s a star than we must be Eden itself lol😢
I feel like I've been in this life B4 because as a child I was not interested in baby dolls and later in life I avoided motherhood. Must've had a whole tribe of terribles in the past! 💯
Such an honest conversation and thought-provoking video. Thank you so much !
Couldn't agree more!! I wish society would be open to discuss the struggles of parenthood freely without judgement. Too often women just say "it's great" cause that's what's expected from them.
And how is there a labor preperation course but no course that teaches you what really comes afterwards.
Raising humans is hard work and I have yet to get paid or get some well deserved time off 😉
THANK YOU🙌🏻. People are so unrealistic out there. It definitely was a slap to the face when my baby arrived. She was fussy and so hard to adjust to her running the schedule. We also just traveled with her (she was 9 months old) and DANG! That was rough. Definitely not relaxing. 😂 Not that I thought it would be, but I was on edge for most of the trip. Thank you for speaking words of truth. Such a fan of you, Victoria.
Have you heard of the Parenting Junkie? She’s got a great TH-cam channel about creating the mothering experience that you really want and giving tools to make it go right. She’s really good
I just found the Parenting Junkie too and LOVE her!
I knew it was going to be hard but I couldn't really understand. And you can't understand before you are in it no matter how many warnings you hear and how much that annoys you. When I hear someone is pregnant or is planning a baby I automatically think "oh boy, they don't know what they are getting themselves into".
All that said I still really enjoy parenting most of the time and my kid is such an interesting little human :)
Such great timing on this video! Have been processing exactly this in therapy as we are about to try to conceive
I think a lot of what you talk about is the same without the pandemic. But at least before the pandemic we could visit friends, have familie around and exactly as you say have fun toddler activities. That do make it easier to feel like being your old self.
Thank you for sharing this. I have a 11 month old and can relate to everything you said!
As some have said, when they get older, it is gonna change a lot and we will get to reconnect with some parts of ourselves!
OMG, everything you are saying I can 1000% relate to. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable. I do not think that a mom to be would get it before having a baby, and it is wonderful that they do not, otherwise we would all be so much more hesitant to have a baby 😅
Thank you for being so honest! My husband and I are starting to talk about having children!
👏 This. Is. Amazing. 👏 well done for making this video! Literally my life.. equal measures of loving them to death and counting the hours to bedtime 😂
love honesty and vulnerability, so thank you for sharing this!!!
From the child free perspective, I really appreciate your honesty. I see too many young women around me having babies just because they think it’s just what is expected. They see cute photos of babies and the good side of things on social media, but I worry they are prepared for the grueling day-to-day reality of being a parent. It’s a choice to have kids or not have kids and each comes with it’s drawbacks.
Childfree over here and just wanted to chime in my sincere agreement. I'm all about people being prepared to make the right decision for themselves.
Victoria, you skope from my heart! Theo is two months older than my son, Holden, so I truly agree with every single words that you just said! Thank you for sharing, it means a lot!❤️
Thank you for making this video I thought I was the only one who felt like this.
Yes yes yes!! Thank you so much for sharing this!
Thank you for your honesty! It's really important to open up these topics even though it is very personal and may be difficult to share, you're very brave! ;) I just think it's sad that you are saying that you lose freedom when you become a mom. Of course it depends on how you define your freedom for yourself, but you can have freedom, as Victor Frankl said: Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. (for context, Frankl was in a concentration camp, but I truly believe this can be applied to almost any situation in life) Please try to see this as an encouragement. I noticed you said so many times throughout the video "I can't". I think it's about finding ways, I know that's it's you in the first place who needs to stretch and adapt to the baby's needs, but your needs are also important. I believe it starts in our heads. If you say to yourself "I can." "I will find a way.", that could be a great beginning. And then you are also not alone in this, your partner is with you and you can share all of this with him. I think that men should be influenced by having kids as much as women. Sure, it's in a different way, but I think he should be involved in everything that you are going through, that you are going through as a family. Also, I assure you, even for people without kids, life is not just fun, they can be maybe more carefree, but they also have struggles, doubts, painful moments. Life is not about fun. Life is beautiful and hard, if you strive to give it meaning.
I totally agree with you on this one. I have the same thoughts when I see pregnant women lol. It is a huuuuge slap in the face, and so different for moms vs dads. Now that mine are 4 and 2 it is getting better but I remember feeling these things you described constantly for about the first 3 years of my daughters life.
YES I 100% feel this
I have noticed that as humans, we often wish we had something others have. Those with no kids see the beautiful aspects of having children and take for granted all the free time they have. I am childfree and have so much free time...I waste so much of it. So think about it, maybe you would not even appreciate your free time if you had no kids. Enjoy your children and your family time as much as you can!
Excellent video, Victoria! 💕 Thank you for sharing all this!
Thank you so so much for sharing!!!! I have been really wanting to be a mom lately but my husband and I are recently married (less than a year) and he’s not ready yet. I’ve been trying really hard to be content in the season I’m in and not wish so much to be a mom right now. I loved what you said and I will continue thinking about it as I know many things will change when we do decide to TTC.
I relate to this 100%!! Thank you!
Thank you for being real!!!
love how real you are!
Feel this. Sending love. Thank you!
Thank you so much for making this.
so grateful for this video! finally the truth. Thank you so much, you did the right thing
Okay. I am at about 08:00. Can I be honest? I have so ambivalent feelings... It's like I would like to give this video a thumbs up and a thumbs down at the same time... I don't have kids yet which explains a lot. What scares me is this loss of freedom. I assume it is so true. I suppose (I hope) I will quite enjoy parenting if there was no necessity of making money at the same time. I mean, it's not the shift in identity that is so scary but the reality of being a mother and trying to make ends meet at the same time. Okay, now I will watch the rest of the video.
My partner and I want to start trying to conceive this summer so this video came at a really good time. We have a really close and supportive relationship, but I just worry what lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of freedom and a baby in the mix will do to that. I realize our relationship will have to take a back seat for a while, but any tips on how to keep it close and supportive rather than resentful and distant? We are currently very good at discussing and sharing responsibility for housework, chores, admin etc., but because of our work situations I will be the primary caregiver, at least for the first year, while I'm on maternity leave (in the UK) and so that will naturally shift things.
This!! I had my baby in December 2019 and this is exactly how I feel.
So glad I found your channel!! You are so helpful and informative!!
Thank you so much for your honesty 💜 It’s deeply valued.
Thank you so much for making this video
Not saying motherhood is easy either but I didn’t suffer personality swift because of them I went through phases of life as result I changed however isn’t that normal in ppl with or without kids? I have 5 kids, lawyer, master student, wife, daughter, sister, myself and housewife 😅😅 nowhere near perfection but choices… the events msy be similar to all of us the diff is how we approach and deal with them. Ppl make life look so hard when in fact we live in a developed country … what’s left for the others in less privileged countries to complain for? God is great we are too just try to make the most of what he has given you ❤
This has been helpful things to consider as someone who is getting to “the age” of having children (I’m almost 28) but not being ready to give up my “selfish” lifestyle. I do want a child but I don’t know when I will be ready to give up my freedom... how does one know they’re ready to give up their freedom?
I don’t think anyone is ever ready. I do feel like it’s easier when you are younger because you haven’t had your adult freedom for very long so it’s not something you got used to. The longer you are used to being “selfish” (for lack of a better word, I just mean like doing things alone, being able to make decisions just for yourself, etc. not that people who don’t have kids are selfish!) the harder it is to give that up. For me, I am a super introvert and it was hard for me to ALWAYS be with someone all the time but it’s much more fulfilling than anything I have ever done and has refined my character more than anything else ever could.
@@megandelli1 I agree! I am 29 turning 30 before this babe comes and I feel like it'll be so hard to adjust! It has just been my husband and I for so long being able to do whatever we want whenever we want!
I knew I wanted to have a child earlier in life because I knew I wanted to be able to enjoy life at a “younger age” once they were in college. I was 28 when I had my first. Not super young, but younger than a lot of people these days. I wanted to be able to go on trips and hopefully not have a ton of ailments once they are older. So instead of just enjoying life in my twenties, my husband and I are banking on enjoying the empty nest years too! Not sure if that makes sense or not...
coming from the perspective of someone with no children, my take on this video is obviously based in a lack of personal experience. however, what you said about being the "default parent" and having your partner not being as affected by becoming a parent, going on with their life, etc. struck a cord with me. my mother was in the same position when she had my brother and I, with my dad continuing to work and finish college full time. she has endured chronic depression most of her life, exacerbated as a result from chemical imbalances that occurred from years of little to no sleep while caring for two young children with minimal help. women bearing the burden of all the housework and child raising is a sad and lonely endeavor, often not without physical and mental health consequences. I realize this video is from the perspective of you and your partner's dynamic, but I am hesitant to believe that every woman will experience this, especially if household duties and child raising tasks are split in a more balanced way between mom and dad, giving mom a break and time to fulfill herself in other ways. I am open to being wrong and would love to hear other perspectives, and as always glad to see your journey evolve, Victoria. you are an incredible woman 💗
Misery loves company. That's why a lot of parents don't be honest about how it really is.
Sorry in advance if this is offensive, but I was just wondering what your partner does. You never spoke about it, or I missed it. How often does he take care of the baby (I think he does in the morning), does he cook too, clean, etc.? I’m really curious about the repartition of the tasks because that’s one thing that scares me about living with someone and having a child. Thank you for your video, it was really interesting
This was so helpful thank you!
This video is clearly first time mom video 😂
It’s so sad how western families are not United once a baby is born. My boyfriend is Mexican and I am so happy that I know I will have his mom, his siblings, his aunts and uncles, to help me whenever I need some space or freedom.
Families in the US and Canada need to adopt this more. There’s no reason for a mom to be alone
hey I know a spell caster that can help you manifest children into your womb in less than 2weeks,he helped my sis and my aunt.
I remember becoming a mom for the first time and it was a total slap in the face lol just like you said. In the beginning i remember going to bed at night feeling just completely wiped out and thinking 'what the hell was i doing (regarding time) before kids?" Reflecting now, as a mom of a 5 and 2 year old, it was the next necessary step for personal growth. It may sound like white noise but you really never know how much you can love someone before having a kid. Most mothers i know walk through heaven, hell and back on the daily 😂 Hang in there to all the mamas out there ♥
Why does the mother have to be the 'default parent' and lose their identity while the father gets to keep theirs? I just doesn't seem very feminist. No hate it just bothers me.
I also hate that default parent usually also means family planner and preparer. Not only default for child stuff, but default for making sure the TP is stocked up and that there's a plan for supper and that dad has clean undies for work. >:(
Hey. Aww
I think you mean this pregnancy, meaning Lincoln?
Nope! I'm not doing it..😂
How old is Theo? 🥰
I’m sorry but why do you need two kids? I don't understand people who have more than one kid. It is not necessary. I understand one as there us so much pressure on women that there lives are not whole without experiencing motherhood but why two?
I think the number of kids people want is really specific to them. Some people don't want any, some want two and some want a huge family. Nothing wrong either way, just choose what's best for you :)
If it makes your feel any better im 31, never thought I wanted children, now I do. You get to a point that doing whatever you want 24'7 is boring and not as fulliing as the big meaningful thing in your life like family and children. Also your career can only create so much fulfillment. P.s. someone will have to change your diapers one day 😆🥰
Literally everyone only ever talks about how hard it is to be a parent.. I never hear anyone with children say it’s easy or fun. I usually like your videos but this one was a bit dreadful :/ please don’t post anything more like this.
This is mild. My goodness. Sensitive much! Do u have access to the Internet? The reams of women claiming that being a mother is an absolute nightmare and a total mistake. Relatively, This is barely even mildly critical of motherhood, its one of the most positive portrayals I've seen! She's pro motherhood.
Thank you so very much for this ❤