I'm Goin' Home
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ธ.ค. 2021
- I wrote this recently as a song.
V1
I wanted the world to love me
I wanted the world to know my name
I needed you all to see me
I needed your love to heal my pain.
I thought I could change society
I thought I would save humanity
I didn't know my dreams'd not come true
I didn’t know my dreams'd all fall through.
Chorus
If I could go back to my youth
I’d tell that boy so many truths.
I’d tell that boy to love himself
I’d say, hey, please go get some help.
But I can’t go back to a time
When I can reach into my mind.
No, I can only change now.
I’ve got to change, change it all somehow.
V2
I waited and waited here in vain.
I suffered. Over over again.
Hoping for the world to love me
Hoping for you all to set me free.
Chorus
If I could go back to my youth
I’d tell that boy so many truths.
I’d tell that boy to love himself
I’d say, J, please go get some help.
But I can’t go back to a time
When I can reach into my mind.
No, I can only change now.
I’ve got to change, change it all somehow.
V3
I'm not ashamed to say I'm scared.
I am afraid and unprepared.
But i've got to change it right now.
Change it here and change it all somehow.
Someday, Somewhere,
Somehow, Someway,
You'll find me over a rainbow
'Cos i'm going...home.
It’s been-well-I don’t quite know how to describe the last 10 years on this channel.
But it’s time to move on.
The past few years have been especially tough with various relapses and hospitalisations.
And that’s just my mental health!
My IBD has been a rollercoaster too.
But I’m trying to make a change.
It was the passing of my idol Amy Winehouse a decade ago that led me to vlogging.
I wanted to make a difference.
And I tried. But I didn't make the difference I thought I might.
As ever, I had an over inflated view of myself. Like the time I believed I was on The Truman Show in my teens, or I was the Messiah in my early twenties. Maybe I thought I could be some sort of mental health Messiah and save people's lives.
But it’s been a long journey to accept that won't happen. A journey I’m still working on.
I feel like there is someone else I need to be. The late, great George Michael sang it best:
“I think it’s time I stopped the show
I think it’s time I told you so
There’s something deep inside of me
There’s someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don’t think that I’ll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man.”
I’ve spent years working on books that don't sell and documentaries that won't get commissioned (honestly I don’t know how people deal with rejection after rejection.)
Probably most painful of all though is failed relationship after failed relationship.
I need to start anew for 2022.
In the words of one of my fave songs, Breakaway by Toni Basil:
“I’m gonna breakaway
From all the chains that bind
And everyday I’ll wear what I want
And do what suits me fine.”
I just want to find a way to live simply in truth.
I’ll never forget the first time a newspaper ran my story and the journalist “embellished” it to make it seem more dramatic than it was. It didn’t need more drama. Why is the truth so tough?
One of my heroes John Lennon said it best (sung by the Chilis)
"The more i see, the less i know."
Now this is truth. I feel like the world is becoming more complex, confusing, and ultimately toxic. I’m sure it has something to do with social media. I hate what i see happen online. There is so much conflict. I know i'm too sensitive, but I'm tired of seeing people fight all the time about every single thing. A couple of months there was a fight online about who out of 2 of my idols was better-Karen Carpenter or Madonna? I mean, why? What's the point? When did life become one long competition? And when did we lose respect for each other? The pandemic has only worsened this. And the saddest thing is that no-one seems to be doing anything to resolve it.
While writing this i've just read about a recent shocking antisemitic attack on a young Jew close to where i live.
I'm sick of seeing the rise in antisemitism.
Overall,IM TIRED OF LIVING IN A WORLD FULL OF SUCH HATE!
“Let everyone debate
The true reality
I’d rather see the world
The way it used to be.
A little bit of freedoms
All we lack
So catch me if you can
I’m goin’ back.”
Goin’ Back by Dusty Springfield is truly beautiful. Listen to it.
And so I’m goin’ back. Well, actually I’m goin’ forwards.
All I know is love conquers all. I want to be where love is.
Final, last lyrics that just popped into my head:
“Your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn’t fake it!
Hat, sir,
Guess I didn’t make it!”
The thing i'm most proud of is the youth mental health charity i setup, Beyond. It's taken 3 years of working hard on it with no pay but finally it's progressing. I want to spend my time helping young people, and my music. Amy Winehouse said it best:
"Music is the only thing that will give and give, and not take."
THANK-YOU so much for all your support and love xx
You have achieved so much! Don’t feel bad. You have done so well! I have a son with schizophrenia and you have taught me so much about how to be supportive to him. We love you! Xxx
thank-you Mary I hope he is doing ok x
Thank you so much for all you have done. I have a child with SA. Your posts about you overcoming struggles and having victories have really given hope for me.
I wish you the best in your next adventure.
I so appreciate this. Hope your child is doing alright :)
We need you here! ♡
All we can do is, to live and give love.
So we achive too.
I feel you anyway.
thanks Linda :)
You have done so much, and reached so many. You are lovely! Please stay around. 😢
Thank you so much!
This is beautiful. Thank you.
It's always good to see you on here.
Beautiful voice
Your ❤️is so beautiful Jonny... 🙏XXX
Your videos have helped with my illness.
thanks Rupert I hope you're doing ok
I feel you ❤
I believe our paths were truly meant to cross when I first heard about your story back in 2015 and then have been subsequently blessed to meet you in person a few times. Your journey has helped me with my own and inspired and encouraged me to not let mental illness win and to reach out to others. God works all things for good and we are to fight all the evil that goes on in the world not in our own strength but in his. I was broken with the weight of the world on my shoulders until I had an experience with God in 2018 and then became a Christian. This has really helped me knowing that I can lean on Jesus as our saviour who will help us with our battles. It is still not always easy but through him strength is found and given. The world seems to be becoming darker as we head towards the end times when Jesus our Messiah will come back a second time and all will be restored. We feel so broken as the world is not as it should be in it’s fallen state. But we must just fight a little longer until we can go home to the Lord for all eternity and there will be no more tears. I am only witnessing here to my belief as a Christian and respect your views as a Jew (not sure if you are a Messianic Jew?) Sometimes God shuts doors for us that we don’t always understand but it is for our better good. Your charity Beyond is amazing and your dedication to that is a real blessing to help the next generation. You know I am a sincere great supporter of you and your work and I hope my words might be some encouragement at least ❤️
thank you! I hope to see you again one day. I'm so sure ti will happen :))
Love and respect to you x
Will miss you so much, I always looked forward to your videos, no matter how infrequent, and a number of them really helped me with my own thoughts (especially the LGBT ones). I do hope you will not leave forever, if you ever feel like you want an outlet, we will continue to be here. Good luck to all your future endeavours either way. Much love x
thanks for such a lovely message :)
Thank you for sharing Jonny......we miss you....I hear your pain....God Bless 🙏🕊️
Do what's best for you, Thank you for everything. It's always been a plessure when i see you around london with Roccio (Who i miss lots). Take care of yourself
Sending big love and hugs Jonny 🤗 🤗
and to you too Tom!
sending support and loving-kindness to you Jonny - all the way from Vietnam :)
Thank you for sharing so incredibly! I wish only the best as you so deserve it! The world is a better place as you are in it
sending you love! :)
You've changed the world. You've helped people. Maybe not as much as you want, but that takes time. You have to keep going & making things better for yourself and everyone. I love you.
thanks Crystal! You have such an awesome name too!
I wish I had the chance to meet you, but being realistic, is this reality, in this life things doesn't always works the way we want. I was lucky I discovered your channel and your videos. Wish you the best. For real. And yes, and maybe someday, somehow or somewhere...im This will be different. You are a hero, we don't need fictional characters, you suffered and you spoke, you told us Jonny exist, you are real and your words will be remembered... I suffered a lot, but I still don't have the bravery to talk to the world my reality.... I promise, even if I see a rainbow, I will remember you.
thank you thank you thank you!
Dear Jonny, Thank you for all your hard work and your dedication! With all my heart I want to thank you for want you've done for me, for us... For me You are a hero, a helper. I learned so much from you. You encouraged me so much. And I will be forever thankful for you, Jonny ! I send you hugs and many blessings! Your work here,in online has made possible your wish to help people all over the world. I am the proof. I am from Romania! God bless you, Jonny!🤍🤍
with love to Romania! I am so thankful for your message!!!
Don't let the struggle get you down. There are many like minded people who have similar thoughts about arguments over Idols.
I have come to become grateful for having the feelings of discomfort because it means that there is a deep part of my being that not only believes, but knows of a more caring world.
Foster the goodness that you want in your connections in the real world and start following and supporting those that do the same.
The Truman Show and the Messiah hit home. And there is more truth to that than the manufactured world wants you to know.
It sounds like the charity work that you are doing because of what you have gone through is needed. Remember that even just saying "I have been there before" or "I can relate" helps to open up people to trust and healing.
what a lovely message. I really appreciate it!
Remember you already achieved so much. You helped me and so many others. That is change.
Indeed it is hard to see that mental illness still isn't proberly represented in the right amount. It feels to me our group has still a long road ahead while other minority groups take the spotlight. But we are ON the stage, because I saw YOU and that changed me.
And I want to let you know I fully support your decission. The internet is a monster. It can eat you howl. Furthermore it shouldn't be your responsibillity your burden to bear. Freedom makes furtile ground.
But if you feel lost in a bad way. We will always be here for you.
LOVE
Merijn
thank you Merjin for your words. Truly :)
Dear Jonny, you have achieved so much! Your openness and honesty has given me the courage to speak out about my demons and the mental torment I have lived with since my beautiful husband took his own life. Your videos have helped me so much; to reflect, to think, to speak, to grieve, to smile and to accept I am not alone in having such dark thoughts. I heard you speak at the ‘Jordan’s Legacy’ event late last year, but did not have the courage to speak to you… I so regret this! Keep safe, keep trying and remember that we need you, now more than ever. ❤️
thanks Johnnie, I am sure we will meet properly in the future for sure!
This is very very good even though my English is not perfect but I understand this poem thank you....
I always support people doing what they need to do that is best for themselves. As a gay man with bipolar disorder with psychotic features it was like flinging open the door of this whole world of possibilities to discover you and your story about 3 years ago Jonny. It has been like an arbitrarily cramped horizon has been pushed way back to know you. Even from afar. And sharing it with my friends, peers, allies and so forth. I moved to essentially the wilderness of the US since then which has done wonders for my health. I still have a community of people. But being near Seattle, as much as I love the city was sucking the life and soul out of me. I have always hoped and continue to hope that we will cross paths one day. Maybe in real life serendipitously on the streets of London when I am there exploring after all this is over. I've had a hard month as well. But looking forward to a new year. "Music is the thing that will give and give..." 👍 - amen to that ! Music and poetry. Be gentle on yourself and enjoy your music and your youth organization Jonny. Until next time, Peace and Love ~~~
thanks Kody. I would love to move to the wilderness too! One day I will. For now London has me! And I will see you here :)
I'm feeling rather gutted as I literally JUST found you and now I see you've decided to move on. I did notice other videos after this one regarding a mental health awareness festival but whatever you choose to do with this channel I will continue to watch. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you Sandi!
Suicide will not be your story.
Your story will be life, and life abundant. 💓👐
thank-you!
❤
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> so good to find you again - peace out
You are much older, so am I! I can't stop blushing. It's been 17 years! Everything in my life has been overturned by it!
I'm so sorry. You're not alone. And it can get better for sure. Look into self-compassion (by Kristin Neff). It's really helped me!
Jonny, please take care of yourself
A few weeks ago I awakened hearing in my spirt: "Find Mike Now!" I wrote it down and went back to sleep! I got on the internet and actually found your story and about Neil Layborne. I live far away in Knoxville, Tennessee and want you to know that I am praying for you and for him. Jesus cares enough to awaken
I am messiah ben David. You knew me all along. I am 222 and the moon, like in The Hollow on Netflix.
😢
🤗☺❤❤❤❤
You’re so handsome ❤
A spark in the darkness to shed light . We all see that darkness no one speaks a word of private shadows till perception insight shines a word of warmth & light into are hearts & helps to put it right . Thank you Jonny beared face with voice like someone i find a trace , you sung a song of poerty ,aimed it soft like beams of light to help us all win the fight ,to hell with the world i am waiting for the saving , i have no hope but one alone ,the Angels rolled away his Tomb stone Crucified and 3 days buryied he arose like lazurus God's power a pleanty , forget us not Great God in Heaven we have no light or power or life resurection . i know that pain ,that unloved heart i have one but grin and bear , be somones friend and it can end ,let love grow hot when cold around for many hearts are frozen . Find your friends and truely love them ,love them to the end . Speak life to them.. be like a wise one stand alone and safe and be good to them deep healing springs to find ,deep healing to um . i thought it fine to join with rhyme - i have said one of this kind once before ,i will share the link give it a wink .th-cam.com/video/yyOwHwrgBXU/w-d-xo.html
I have watched the link and some of your other videos. Thank you for your words of Truth my brother. God Bless 🙏✝️