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At 56 I have finally learned that I'm not a punching bag, scapegoat or other target for toxic people to deflect upon... Small towns are hives of corruption, ignorance and serious mental illness. If you're the nicest or smartest person in the room or the new person- you're wearing a huge target.
This is so well said. First 21 years I lived in such place and it was horrible. Lots of physical and mental abuse from parents, sexual abuse from other people. Lots of trauma from that. Then I became a prostitute for a short time while in high school and that's how I met a rich guy from the US from some village in New Hampshire. No trauma from being a prostitute tbh. The guy offered me real work, so I jumped at the chance because I had zero money and only high school education. Imagine, an abused young guy from a tiny village in eastern europe finally manages to escape and find work abroad. Sadly upon my arrival to this New Hampshire village he started abusing me. I was so caught off guard that I endured it. I had zero money, not even for a bus from there... I didn't even realize it's a bad thing what was happening, because I was so used to abuse and this time it wasn't exactly violent in nature. Unfortunately this abuse has given me ptsd which I'm only starting to deal with in 2024 after 11 years of depression and anxiety. The same month I returned from the US I started drinking, smoking, gambling, left university that I was freshly accepted to, left my boyfriend... I have addictions and no real work for several years, I couldn't deal with people or even focus on basic tasks at work (can't even write here how I get money now). Videos on this channel are great, I feel like someone understands me and thanks to Anna I managed to slightly reduce my symptomps of anxiety, which I didn't think was possible because I was feeling shaken to my core every day for the past 11 years. I have hope, I'm "only" 33, but I also have doubts about how I can change when I already missed 11 years of my life, and before that it was bad but at least I didn't have the damn PTSD. I feel like what people describe in videos about antidepressant induced sexual dysfunction - I feel chemically castrated because I can't even be intimate with people without my body going into fight&flight response. Hardcore drugs help with that a bit, but not fully, it's still far from okay and I can't function on drugs, that would only make it so much worse...
That was my experience when my father retired from the Army. We moved to a small town Newport, Arkansas. Bible Belt and so terrible prejudice. So many negative experiences! Age 18 yrs old I scrambled to get away.
@bex3425 yep- and the second string Barney Fife cops they hire that harass the new families in town 🤦 I'm so thankful for all the security cams, body cams, dash cams, etc! It's been a crazy 25 years! Both of my sons have rocked at life, both are very successful veterans with deployments-, daughter is amazing, too! They all have a military family and a few great friends from town who have been positively influenced by them (and my parenting 🤭 cuz they all ended up at my house during highschool) The leftovers in town (I have 30 acres out of town on the other side of the highway) are still doing the crappie flop with all the problems from 15-20 years ago. When I go to town to the post office, etc, I tell people I'm headed over to the asylum!
so true. same goes for jobs... when you are new and vulnerable as a direct result of being new and trying to adapt and navigate through so much. ... weak, mean and evil people will use you as the scapegoat. The ring leader bully will start abusing you and drag along all the weak spineless ones to join in. When you stand up for yourself the abuser will play the victim making you to be the bad one.... our world is made up of these toxic dynamics because many are weak, spineless and evil and good people do nothing. This is why animals, children and the elderly... the ones who have no voice are so abused. I am thoroughly disgusted now with most people.
What makes me crazy is the difference in standards. Toxic/narcissistic family members get to talk nastily and turn all the attention on themselves, but if I act out or get angry, I’m the problem?
exactly! they ganged up on me, saying horrible insults, speaking condescendingly, rolling their eyes, laughing sadistically at me, then "oh, we're just kidding, stop being so sensitive! we love you so much!" yeah, because insults and disrespect are "love" and indeed, if i got upset, nd yelled, calling out their attitude and harmful words, i need to shut up, because i'm being mean and upsetting people over nothing and i'm "acting crazy" and need to be on meds for believing they don't love me so clearly. double standards and gaslighting, it was crazymaking,and now i'm low contact to retain my sanity.
@@alaia-awakened I hear you 100%. What I would say is that somehow life or your own conscience is pushing you in the direction of taking the higher route. Do you think when you breathe your last breath you’ll regret this? I grew up in a family with people who were running away from themselves endlessly. They could never face themselves, would you want to live that life. I grew up with two members of my family with borderline personality disorder, histrionic, personality disorder, and bipolar disorder. I know what it is to be abused. I know what it is to be manipulated. I know what it is to be made confused about who I am. I have taken the highroad, I’ve done the work to understand who I am, and how I became the way that I am. I can look myself in the face in the mirror. Once you’re able to draw those boundaries, you can find people who live their life differently or if not, you can at least look yourself in the mirror and be proud. I was never allowed to be angry. I’m still not allowed to get angry by my brother. That’s OK, he’s over there and I have the right to have as much of a buffer zone as I choose. That I couldn’t do when I was younger. It’s a drag yes, it’s less of a drag than it used to be
Then you have your answer - if they are using you to get attention by abusing you REFUSE TO BE AROUND THEM OR ANYONE WHO CONDONES THEIR BEHAVIOR- EVENTUALLY the abusive person will have to find another victim & one by one they'll start to see just who has the " problem " either way you have to love yourself enough to walk away- I've done things wrong in my life & tried for 30 years begging forgiveness as they treated me like dirt, I'd go away lick my wounds then crawl back to them EVERY TIME & finally this year I decided you know what YES WHAT I DID WAS WRONG & I've tried every way to get forgiveness- they're using it as control- The Lord has forgiven me, I have forgiven me & now they can't hold that over me anymore I TOLD THEM I WAS DONE BEING MANIPULATED & ABUSED BY THEM & I'M DONE WITH THE GUILT SO HAVE A NICE LIFE & I WALKED AWAY & HAVEN'T BEEN BACK I'M SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW -- IT WAS SO FREEING !!! 😁🤠
Whenever I stand up for myself, I am berated, ostracised, and talked about. I live in a toxic village community that feels unsafe but I remind myself that at my core I'm a decent person 😢
@Channel89988 I hear you. I tried dating a guy after divorcing a narcissist who pretty much took every ounce of my energy. Turns out the new guy was love bombing me and turned out to be a predator. I now just avoid meeting new people here in the community as they're hostile towards outsiders, and I haven't dated for 2 years. Thank God for my companion animals, they save me every day. I want to move away but I'm suffering with severe fatigue from years of stress. I hear you. I really hope your situation improves. You don't deserve to be treated badly.
Im so sorry that happened😢. You dont deserve that either wish we had better experiences. The guy I thought was fine he immediately started asking me question about my body and wanted to get physical.. After we talked and then he said he only wanted instant gratification.. I almost lost all my self esteem again due to everything that happened and my loneliness.Its so not easy to trust people and after what I went through I dont trust most. Its just really not easy I hope ur situation gets better as well.
Scapegoat here. I would always wonder why my friends were so mean to me. I thought it was a reflection of me. About 20 years ago, I figured out that I chose friends who were like my narc mom. I now have fewer friends but they are all kind to me.
I do not attract mean people, but there simply are too many dangerous scoundrels and bullies about who should be duly fined or jailed. That's the harsh truth.
You are utterly right . Don't put the cart before the horse . There are so many abysmally evil people out there that you have to be on your guard against . You can count yourself lucky to have a well-functioning intuition, which was perhaps sharpened precisely because it was vitally important in a bad childhood for survival . That 's my interpretation .
So true. This week I had a written warning sent to a loud, toxic & disrespectful co worker. She's been allowed to act like a total assh0le for years & I have put a stop to it. About time!
I think people in dysfunctional families are not taught how to set boundaries, what they want, their limits, to say no, or get up and leave. If you see your mom or dad with no boundaries, you don’t have skills to stand up for yourself. If you are not validated growing up, you question yourself. If you have a feeling that something’s off, but don’t know how to handle it (skills) things don’t get addressed. Mean people immediately will know an individual is not gonna put up with their crap. They test you and if you don’t have the skills, they’re gonna run all over you. I don’t think you attract mean people. I think you don’t have the skills to know how to deal with people who are trying to manipulate you.
Not even that, but if you grow up with parents who punish you for exercising boundaries instead of teaching you how to set them properly, and you consistently learn that having and setting boundaries is wrong, you learn to just stop having them because it keeps you safe.
And they said what you said as a child dealing with toxic parents we as small developing humans internally deep deep down wrote the script to validate the toxicity 😢 only if we lucky we get to learn we are the problem / family are the problem , wrong thinking and unbalanced demands to validate internally don't retire ....we become adults stuck❤ God Bless IN healing❤
@sapphirehands7780 I wholeheartedly agree! That lack of skill creates an inadequacy, a weakness that many domineering individuals will be more than ready to exploit!!
I agree, mean people are everywhere, and that is why I don't enjoy being around people, strangers especially. My peace is more important to me than anything else.
Yes. It's hard because you know that it's healthy to socialize but at the same time, if you're used to attracting low vibrational people, then it just makes you not wanna do anything to where you'll be around a bunch of people.
When I divorced, it took two years for me to figure out that I had been emotionally abused. I was used to it because of my mother. I realized that what I had experienced was not normal.
Yesss- it seems normal- good on you took me 6 years and having to read journals my doc made me keep - like a year or three after writing, cause we re write it in our head ….and don’t remember what happened cause the gaslighting
if you wake up from generational trauma the narcissistic in your family will call you schizophrenic and mental...how dare you threaten to upset the status a quo of their delulu land😂😂😂
It can be hard to know what is unacceptable. No one is perfect and people are very flawed. But being able to tell the difference between someone being flawed and someone being abusive, can prove challenging. I would rather have relationships where I’m able to feel safe to be vulnerable. I would say that if it’s unsafe to be vulnerable, then that is by definition a dysfunctional relationship
Tolerating the intolerable. I don’t accept cruel treatment any more. Not voluntarily. I hope I am never in a position where I’m at the mercy of a merciless person. Those people are among us unfortunately.
Videos like this, that say that we attract and cause mistreatment, don’t help because they refuse to put the focus/blame squarely on the shoulders of the actual bad guys
I was a licensed Pharmacy Technician, which itself is a high stress career. I was the scapegoat and was mistreated and ostracized. It was horrible and I finally got a leave of absence because of all the trauma and stress. I decided not to go back and got another job as a checker at our local family owned market. I took a huge cut in pay but it was worth it because I was appreciated for all my hard work. I had regular customers who waited in line patiently at my check stand. I'm now 65 and retired. I have tjme for my family and two wonderful grandkids. I spend time with my friends and neighbors and enjoy my hobbies. Since I love to cook and bake, my family gets to be treated to my meals that are made with love. I encourage anybody who's in a scapegoat environment to get out of it. You deserve to be appreciated, appreciated and loved ❤
It’s frustrating that you had to take a financial cut for some peace of mind & respect. Perhaps you’ll move on to a job that meets (maybe exceeds!!) all of your needs. You deserve to flourish
I am an attorney... The toxic workculture is just part of the job, if you cannot accept that I found, then you won't make it in law. You have to become just as messed up and indifferent as your coworkers apparently, I was speeched to become more COLD and indifferent, detached and clinical... yeah I don't drink with my coworkers or party with them. .. year end functions aka "christmas parties" is a dangerous place to be at. Everyone is waiting for you to throw away your name and act stupid...they will even feed you free alcohol to try and make you look stupid.
I’m completely blind, on the autism spectrum and have CPTSD. For a long time, I’ve been fitting myself to other people’s crap. I allow them to put restrictions on me about when and how I should use my accommodations and ways to regulate and navigate in this world. I’ve allowed people to suppress me of my emotions and of my needs. Well, I can no longer mask and fit into society’s norms and molds! I’m allowed to be me! I’m allowed to use the regulation tools and other accommodations I need to navigate the world! I’m quirky and a goofball, but I LOVE IT! I use sensory fidget items, but SO WHAT! I’M ME! It’s what I need, and that’s ok! I’m still worth it!
@@heedfix8465 I’m going through burnout due to masking and suppressing myself to make others comfortable and happy. I’m now realizing that it’s not working. I’m allowed to be different. It’s ok for me to be unique. Different doesn’t mean burden. I mean, it may mean that to some people. But in my world, different just means special, interesting, unique, a blessing and a gift.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I’m going to keep on working to be me, even out in the community, and if someone stares at me because I’m acting or behaving differently, well, I’m going to let them. I’ve exhausted myself and all my energy trying to act and behave normally. Well, I’m not neurotypical, nor sighted, I can’t keep pretending like I was traumatized, and that’s ok. Now it’s about not listening to the judgment of others or the judgment from myself. I’m expressing myself, I’m communicating through ways your average person doesn’t do, but I’m still doing it, and it’s not harmless.
I hear this so much. I have chosen men in my life specifically because they were unavailable, creepy, socially and mentally inferior, even nasty and criminal - and I get it that I was being my own devil, imposing my own sentence for being a person I thought was worthy of punishment simply for existing. I am old now and it doesn't really matter anymore, but I recommend to young women who still have years ahead of them to pay close attention to the common denominator in your love relationships. That's what you have to work on. That's the start of the chain that binds you to pain.
@@MerryWidow420 I love your comment. I have also made many mistakes in relationships. I felt like I deserved to be mistreated. As I have gotten older and now a widow I am working on myself and I enjoy the peace and quiet of home
I also put up with alot of crap from men earlier. I never married because the men I dated wouldn't commit. I left them all and am stronger. I notice many women are bending over backwards to keep a man, and I stopped that long ago.
I have a similiar problem and always attract men in relationships (without me knowing). I am so sick of this because the pain gets bigger as I always think I finally found the one - only to get disappointed again. This life has zero quality and as working on myself hasn't changed much I wonder what it is I can still do.
It's interesting how our trauma can also create the exact opposite effect. I learned to avoid bad people like the plague. Maybe because of the striking contrast between good and bad people that was demonstrated to me a lot growing up. I watched terrible people mistreat the good people and each other, and promised myself that the former category will never have access to me. This, of course, resulted in isolation because I'm so hypersensitive to red flags and I'd rather be completely alone than risk someone bad entering my life. It's a peaceful existence and people who are with me are amazing, but I am limiting myself to a small life and missing out on many opportunities and experiences just to maintain my peacefulness.
Even the most authoritative experts seem to overlook the problem of HOW PERVASIVE abusive behavior is. If you don't tolerate being relentlessly negged and mistreated, you're likely to become socially isolated. What mental health experts call abuse is normal to, to mind, a majority of people - at least in the US where I'm from
I have gone through this to a dangerous point. I was desperately unregulated and lonely. As I used my alone time to really dig deep into education and self-honesty. I am slowly making real friends, and learning (slowly) to push back, calmly respond, and dump controlling people with confidence and sometimes a silent stare and distance. It is a long, steep, hard path. I wish you a true friend, one at a time.
Omg! This is exactly what I have been WONDERING!!! What IS it about me that I am constantly surrounded by bullies?? However, I have finally started to accept and remove these people from my life-even sisters. Even potentially my daughter!! Thank you for this video.
My only sister and I have parted ways effective August 15th, 2024. She's always hated me. I finally accepted this fact. I haven't changed my telephone number yet, but........I will. When I do, I know that I will never see her again. .,.................... Head hung low in tears. Giving in
Gosh yes my own sister is so krass and rude I would never have picked her for a sister. Had to set boundaries ok that for my own sanity. Can't confront her she won't hear it.
Raised by narcissistic mother .. family scapegoat… I never got the proper help … educated my self got a university degree some good jobs but ultimately couldn’t hang on to them.. all relationships negative.. people don’t seem to like me… I’m struggling.. I just reflect and see nothing but a broken life.. struggles .. tried to do self help route.. some professionals.. but never found someone who specialized in narcissistic abuse… some days I feel like I can’t breath… this video really hit home… looking for help… late 50s thought I would have managed it better.. just real so alone…
It is a cold, cruel world. It's just that you see it for what it is. Meanwhile, be your own best friend. You got this far. You are Not living a lie like so many do. You are enough. You are worthy.
I am 100% with you on every word except it came from my father. Now, at almost 60, I am isolated and alone. I am hanging in there, though, and I hope you are too.
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
I think sometimes you latch onto nasty people because you're used to being around a threat, so if you can SEE the threat it's actually less stressful than not being able to see the threat. And if you're traumatized, well there's always got to be a threat, right? So you tell yourself that that person who isn't threatening you is just hiding the way in which they are threatening you. Being stabbed in the back is scarier than being stabbed in the front, right? The idea of someone who isn't looking to stab you is inconceivable. And you're dead on about how being traumatized is ultimately self-absorbed. 😕Not my favorite thing to admit, but it's true.
I recently found the abusive email from my bro from 10 years ago, which prompted me going no contact. Reading it now, I can see how I'm healing. Reading it back then, I was incredibly shaken, felt deep shame, completely petrified and stifled anger. Now I read it differently. In his awful words, I see his huge entitlement, his ignorance of boundaries, and the menacing blame directed at me for his deep resentment. I've also recently finally realised how I am missing my 'core' self as I automatically 'read the room' to focus on others, and erase my sense of myself (more than just simple people pleasing). I felt like a ring donut! My point is that I realised I have both been drawn to and attracted folk who matched my childhood environment, but now that I am able to engage more with myself, I am learning to check in with myself first when I'm mixing with folk at work and play. So, I feel I send out a very different vibe, and then, get a different response from and dynamic with others. Feeling the difference is amazing and gives me hope for a better future Thank you for this perfectly timed video! 🙏
@@maddi3582 I have gone no contact with my brother… very cruel .. I shake sometimes when I think of things he has done.. his wife same.. my only sibling … I understand exactly what you are feeling
@@ilsedemolder3973 Narcissists will NEVER develop self awareness about their own behavior, that's part of why they're narcissists! Still, confront them anyway. They've GOT to learn that you/we, are NO Longer Taking ANY SHIT!!!
They are gaslighting you. The world is full of narcissists. If you confront themmfor their rude and hateful behavior then they call you too sensitive or crazy.
Another problem is that after some time, we often forget how badly they treated us... I believe it's a huge issue for empaths/good-hearted people since we don't want to have conflicts with anyone, all we crave is peace, love, and harmony in our lives... I've noticed that I easily forget people's bad behavior, which is why I tend to let them come back into my life, and then I open my eyes again and think why did I make this mistake again... An evil circle... This is what I should work more on... To be able to draw a strict line and say no, enough is enough, and never go back or feel pity for them. We may not believe in words or actions, but if it's a pattern, it's probably not going to change unless the person consciously and intentionally starts working on it.
@@robertamika9903 trust me, I totally understand the "forgetting all the damage" part of it is probably self preservation, the other part is fearing the inevitable (being alone again- at least that's what it was for me) Had to start keeping a journal and when I look back up to three years ago I'm shocked today that I EVER let it go on as long as I did ❤️🩹
Walking away and silence is a necessity to get your point across...it's not gaslighting or manipulation...it you standing up for yourself and enough is enough...time for NO's and boundaries set in place. Huge hug 🫂 ❤
Yes, I struggled with this alot! I'm so quick to forgive. Especially coming from a church background where "forgiveness " is shoved down your throat and many teach you to forgive "7× 77", but we often aren't taught that we can forgive and still choose to move on.
This hits home so hard. It has taken me 40 yrs to figure out that I've never ever actually had friendships that were functional relationships. Every last one only befriended me until I didn't serve a purpose for them any longer and they made no efforts to cover that crappiness up. The only reason it's different now is because I "broke the wheel" lonely at first, I quickly found more true love in a year than what I'd ever experienced my whole life❤❤❤❤
@ilsedemolder3973 I found it in me. Sounds cliche but I had to lose my oldest daughter, and then lose my entire phone with contacts I've had for over 20 years. Getting a new phone and a new phone number, while that was a great loss not half as great as losing my oldest daughter, over the months I would start to see who wasn't there for me anymore and who never even reached out to me if I didn't reach out first. Fast forward 3 years later, my career is better than ever, a relationships are real and feel very different than any of the ones I've ever had before so I know they're good. And I am full different person don't even know that person anymore that I used to be for others in a negative way. Even when the bad days come and they come, so much freedom and having functional friendships and relationships. That really is true love loving yourself
@ilsedemolder3973 trust me, it wasn't easy at all. It was very painful and lonely at first The realization that others could so blatantly care less if they ever heard from me again even right after my daughter had died. It was a whole bunch of slaps in the face. A little bit of time and isolation one on one time with me a lot of inner work, and it definitely didn't happen overnight but it did happen by taking small consistent steps forward
I think this is true. I had a couple of them. Once I left one, I left them all. I didn't know that 'friend' can be a bad thing. Now having had some time for reflection, I was making myself small to make them happy, and still got put down and ridiculed. Some people have insatiable desire to one up. Don't put up with them.
i used to do this time and time again. In the last few years ive slowly gotten rid of those people . Fast forward to now i no longer keep anyone around who treat me or anyone else badly. Im learning a new me who keeps to my boundaries
I used to feel anxious around mean people growing up. I thought I was secretly attracted to them all because of how flushed and excited I would become. I now know my rapid heartrate and flushed face were actually feelings of anger at their blatant cruel behaviors. I’m still learning to avoid those kinds of people, or at the very least stop fawning over them, and welcome those I feel more at ease around.
This. We are drawn to people who mistreat us in the same way that we were mistreated as a child, because we feel this is a way to finally get those needs met. As adults we misinterpret the agitation that we feel in their presence (anger, anxiety, etc…) as attraction. Healthy attraction isn’t “fireworks” or “sparks”. It’s warm and quiet. But we don’t understand this until we start to rewire our nervous systems and start to honestly feel how bad it feels to be around toxic people. Because our survival no longer depends on desensitizing ourselves to it. But you’re right. Two decades into this, “butterflies” are warning system for me. It’s a warning that I’m in the presence of an angry, emotionally unavailable/toxic woman…and I need to move away from her. Not towards her.
I run into folks in the locker room and instantly go into grovel/fawning mode, like I'm talking to someone with superior intelligence or something and they LOVE it, then afterwards I'm like WHY? Why did I just put myself through that? They're just pretentious sanctimonious a-holes!!! 🤷
This felt like suddenly being full of joy and energy. I have done a lot of work figuring out about my narcissistic family, my own role(s) etc. now I am on my way to a new life, having stop seeing some persons in the family: mother/sister. I needed to find out why I have all these mean persons around me, and constantly have to cut with them, and how to meet nice persons. Now I get it! Thank you.
Pray, meditate, keep a diary, exercise, remove negative and/or toxic people out of your life. Sometimes you've gotta move to a better place. Take good care of yourself. Make better choices and respect yourself. Love your self more. Embrace positive people.
I’m getting so much better at spotting the red flags in new acquaintances. I’m finally in contact with my bodies signals for the first time in my life and it vividly shows me when someone either oversteps my boundaries or that their morals don’t align with mine. It’s hard though, and I find myself constantly debating between the side that feels lonely and longs for human connection and the side that’s aware and who finally feels comfortable in her own skin (and company)! Being 39, actively healing from childhood trauma + 1 year post an eight year relationship with a covert narcissist, I see everything so clearly now! I’m not afraid of anything anymore and I finally feel a sense of peace and hope for the future. Your videos have been very helpful this year. Thank you! ❤
Thanks so much for this. I find I used to be surrounded by heartless, mean people, still am.. but the difference now is that I do not allow them into my inner circle. When we are nice and good people... toxic predatory people who study others see that and see it as a weakness to take advantage of... I used to think everyone had potential and would be or could be somewhat kind back towards my kindness. Now the minute I see any vampiric, user style mean behaviours I am done! I am rather isolated and love my pets and my own company. I confront people in gentleness and love but if they become offensive instead of accountable I am also done. I have taken a big step back and with clarity now I choose being alone any day over spending even very little time with unauthentic mean people. The sad thing I have been able to realise is that true, authentic and kind people are very rare. Very rare are real diamonds in a world of cubic zircons.
You are speaking my life story. I realized that it was all I knew growing up. As I began to experience anger and resistance, I was awkward and anxious as I tried to develop boundaries. I feel like I am finally getting a sense of self-acceptance with my "no thank you." (Period). I am making some wonderful friends. I love your transparency.
Left my abusive career after 30 years. Now working on myself. 💔 My ex boss called me recently with a few questions. My husband listened to the conversation as I was on speaker and my husband was shocked at how I was talked to and talked at. That was eye opening. I forgot how bad it was. I remembered quickly💔I tolerated it for 30 years and luckily had built up my 403b, cashed it early, and retired early. Worth every cent.
Consider those who hurt other people mentally ill persons.....escape from those who are cruel and mean and believe in yourself You are not the problem, you are perfect I send you a big hug ❤
I absolutely do not put up with mean ppl. Even ppl who slightly cross boundaries of those I care about will get completely jettisoned. I have no time for nasty ppl ever.
For years I truly thought that I turned people mean. From friends to family, coworkers and lovers... I thought: you were kind, considerate and seemed genuine when we met(or seemed to be earlier in life).
In my experience it is more often people who are kind or smart or more attractive or some combination of positive attributes who will be targeted for abuse. It would be helpful if the public could become more educated about this unfair dynamic that goes on quietly but continuously in our culture, and to call it out when they observe it (if safe). Some of these people will stop if they sense that someone else is watching and noticing the irrationality of it.
I know that you are being honest and telling people to stand up for themselves. There's a lot of shame in people having a past of abuse. In our culture, there is this mentality where there is so much shame even being hurt by people. So our traumatized culture has this mentality that they are in the wrong for being exploited or showing emotion. When we cross the street in my culture, it's mostly just the pedestrians who are supposed to look both ways. When we're in a fight, the goal is "don't get beat up". There is a lot of shame staying in relationships because the saying is "don't get abused". When we are born in a cult, not by our choice, the saying is "don't be a sheep". There was an ad for car thieves that stated "Here are tips from the pros themselves about how not to be a victim". Mostly, there is so much shame for being abused by a traumatized person. Why do we use this phrase "you attract what you are?" What ever happened to the wisdom that how people treat you doesn't determine your worth? Why don't we accept that we are in toxic environments that were poor at teaching people their worth?
I have so many mean people in my life because it is familiar to me. Because my family is very dysfunctional, especially my abusive siblings, and this is my normal. I recognize the pattern of abuse in all these people, friends and family, but yet they are my normal. I don't feel normal around normal people. This is my baggage, and no matter how much therapy I have had, compliments feel uncomfortable to me, and my self-esteem is still very low. It is a lot easier to cut-off bad friends than bad family.
Thanks Anna. I woke up with a lot of anger and frustration this morning and this really helped me ident and process what I was feeling, and the cause of it. A lot of the meanness that I have experienced has been very covert, a dismissiveness a what my experience and my feelings are. When people will say cliches to me like "Oh it will work out. It always does.", "See everything is going according to plan," etcetera, ad nauseum. What it feels like to me is they are saying "Shut up. I can't be bothered. I've got my own problems." I purposely don't share my feelings with most people due to this type of toxic positivity automatic response. When I hear one of these responses now, I get really pissed and I will often respond that I don't need a cliche, I need to find a solution. Sometimes the only solution in the moment is to just keep going. I feel patronized by those automatic responses. Listening to this video this morning, really helped me identify this type of treatment from others, and made more able to express how it doesn't work for me. I call it "pretend recovery/happiness/spirituality/serenity" insert whatever other word there is. It is emotional crap fitting. I've put up with it a lot from different people in the so called spiritual/recovery community, especially those in some sort of position of power, who often have a spiritual self-righteousness. It happened with my previous Al-Anon sponsor, who shut me down shortly after the loss of a long-time beloved mentor. That sponsor used the words of Al-Anon against me to put me down, dismiss me and dump me as he was too overwhelmed with what was going on in his own life. If he would have been honest with me, I would have understood and accepted that he didn't have time to sponsor me at the moment. Instead, he chose to attack and dismiss me with such cliches as "You're not ready for the program (the 4th Step), and that's okay." What I learned from the experience is that everyone has different challenges in life and different areas in need of growth. I have a pattern of putting up with people who shut me down. I wouldn't share honestly with him as I would get the lecture and the cliches. Now, I'm grateful that this happened as I am much more aware of this type of covert meanness, masquerading as "being supportive" or insert whatever phrase you want here. Lashing out at someone who has just experienced a death of loved one is unacceptable behavior, no matter how many "years of program" or "how much recovery" a person has. That is just plan mean behavior. Thanks for your forum and your insight. I really needed to be able to get clarity and put words to what I have been holding inside of me. Your video helped me identify those needs. I got you book, and I have found it really helpful. I need to pick it back up and continue reading it. Have a great day. Kevin
I have about 3 or 4 more meanies to get away from still. Poco a poco...(little by little). But I am so grateful to be able to, NOW, recognize the meanies and steer clear of the symptoms of that behavior.
3:37 This is also a huge problem, where people can't tolerate any kind of feedback if it isn't said the way you would talk to a little kid. We've grown so used to having our butts powdered that we don't recognize when someone is actually being a good friend. Good friends don't lie, coddle you, tell you what you want to hear, etc. We really don't give enough credit to people who truly want what's best for us because sometimes, we really do need a kind yet direct wake-up call. It's what gives healing direction at all.
I recently said to my therapist I thought that everyone had lost their sense of humor. She called me out on it and said, "No, we're out here, joking and laughing, you just have to keep trying to find us..."
Everyone is reading this comment wrong . She was trying to be supportive and let me know it's still possible to find friends who are joyful and funny, as it is my goal.
I think I get my trauma symptoms now (with your help) but now I've had to go no contact with everyone except some Co workers that became family. But having this unfortunate giant shield means you won't accept the bs! I've gone from being super social to a happy recluse.
@@sallyasmree4079LOL apparently those who can see through people need to learn this - how to flatter the narcissist when you know they are full of it.😢😢😢
People aren't the answer. The answer is within yourself. Validate yourself don't wait for others to do it. You can do it. Believe yourself. Trust yourself. Listen to what is going on inside. Hold on for dear life and keep moving forward.
I dealt with this so many times. People start off as though they are all for me and then they abuse the heck out of me. It hurts so bad. Worst part is I'm so forgiving and allow them to do it again. Now I just pretend like it doesn't matter and I move on. Anytime I ever try to defend myself I lose.
same because toxic people do not ever take accountability. They prefer turning it on us. We are too sensitive, blah , blah blah. Good for you to not allow it anymore.
The majority of people are mean. They are mean even between them. There is no devotion, love, friendship here, only a kind of. Being a normal, kind person in this world makes you a target of their envy, obssession, gossip, even crime, if you are very evolved.
boundaries is key. they will be who they are, you have the choice and the right to remove them from your inner circle. I love the terminology "crap fitting". when i notice i do that i kick people out and think "nope! i no longer crap fit myself"❤
At 43 years old I finally got to the point where I'm done ushering obligations to people that didn't earn my love and attention and time. I have learned we have only One Life to live to spend that time in a way that makes the best out of that one life. It's means, enough to allow mean people to continue to be mean to you when you should love yourself as I've learned to love myself enough to love myself first to not feel like I'm a bad person by not giving those who were mean to me in my life and selfish to not proved that they earned the love. I rather my feelings not be hurt than to worry about their feelings not being hurt, and for them to have hurt me my whole life trust me, their feelings won't be hurt as much as I thought it did while it let so much time being wasted. Thanks so much for this video Anna you are God sent🎉🌿💚😏💚
I have finally learned at 50ish years old to get these type of people out of my life. Sadly tolerated it from people in life thinking something was wrong with me, I can make them like me.
Yes, I finally blocked my 'friend' from FB after 15 years of no contact with this person, she was constantly sending me posts and notifications which I had no interest in engaging with. Toxic people somehow have some self- entitlement to occupy your space and time when you no longer want them to.
I completed the Freedom Session and then ended 7 relationships with hurtful people - so liberating! I am healing enough that I now recognize when someone is being mean, narcissistic, selfish, violated my boundaries, rude, etc. and its like the lights went on. They had mistreated and abused me for years, and I just put up with it until Freedom Session literally freed me from mean people. You are right, it was my choice to stay and then it was my choice to leave and walk away from those people and wow! it created the space for God and Jesus to love me more, cos now my focus is on God and Jesus who love me and not on hurtful people.
I dumped their ass, and I'm not taking crap anymore. I've done a 720, not a 360 i spun twice. I call people out on something, and I ended an 18-year friendship, DONE. I have yet to cry about it, and I won't. I refuse to allow someone to take me to that crappy level. Oh dear god, I'm not going to be disrespected. Well, if that's what you're conditioned to and you're caught up in it, you don't realize just what is happening until oh crap!!! I had an oh crap moment with someone, actually 2 people, this is what was happening, control issues, mental emotional, verbal abuse, with you and Patrick Teahan, i have changed a lot in 2 years.
You are so on target! I got tough last year after watching you and took a good look at some bad behaviour and did a friend dump. Felt sad but my life took a positive turn and those people found new "friends" to pick on. YAY me and you for your tough love for SELF preservation!!! Thank you Anna! (Example, left a voice message about finding my cat dead and she responded laughing! Said she listened to my message in fast speed and I sounded like a chipmunk and oh yeah, sorry about your cat. She own a cat clinic and was the grief counselor. Go figure. Got Dumped)
Wow She sounds utterly and disgustingly heartless! I have had some similar cruel words of similar tone from fake friends and I dump them immediately once I see this type of sick attitude. The last one who did this to me I just stopped returning her calls and blocked her on my phone. I am so done with that level of crap! I am also completely perplexed by this toxic behaviour towards friends. No way... Do NOT accept that!
I don't have any mean people left in my life. I do have a couple of people who are friends but they really aren't completely safe for me to share much with them. I have one long distance friend across the country who I consider a good friend who also has a similar background. I wish I had decent friends here where I live but have trouble in this area. I just feel disappointed by so many people.
For some people, if they set boundaries, they will not have a family any more or friends or maybe even a job or ways to survive. That's why some people can't get away from mean people or just people who mistreat them.
Another great video, thank you! I'm 100% guilty of being a mean person sometime and even towards friends. Once I thought I'm a narcissist. And yes, I was being that way sometime. It was a result of things in the past - some horrible things. Now I'm a different person, much kinder in a non-pretentious way and I apologized to people who I hurt in the past. They said it was nothing, which surprised me, because I didn't think it was nothing. Eventually I started to think many of them are actually narcissists and I realized I shouldn't have apologized, because they were much worse at times. But at least it helped me close this one little chapter. Now I have to deal with a lot of other bad stuff. Good luck to everyone on their path to becoming a person they want to be - or who they were before those bad things happened.
No longer sensitive..yeah I think I can relate 😅. I had friends or family be like: that was pretty mean what so and so said .. but you're so used to "being too sensitive" so you don't know any better
Ana I'm so sorry ppl abuse u & your family didn't care. I've learned many ppl u tell your story to don't care & gaslight us. Be Blessed Fairy! Keep up the great work! Thank u so much!!!
I'm a vendor at the farmer market as my job. I sell soap and bath bombs and lovely things like that. And one of the most amazing things that I've learned through my healing this year is that my negative energy repels customers at my stall. When I'm disregulated and my vibe is off customers sense it and they don't even look at my product. I've learned to channel my gratitude and love of producing soap into a new happy life for myself and it is been amazing.
I've always taken abuse in stride. I'm trying to learn to recognize it and reject their treatment. I'm having to leave my family out of my life because they're the ones that treat me the worst.
Good grief the beginning of the video describes what Ive gone through for many years since I was in the Milwaukee Backbrace at 10 yrs old. I am learning to let go of mean people at 51 and don’t turn back! Thank you for also showing me it’s also not always about them but I need healing too and to be more reciprocal to people who are genuinely kind to me
Like so many here, I have a great knack for finding "friends" that absolutely treat me like sh*t and I just put up with it until I break and then it's all over and I never see or speak to them again. Such a waste of time, emotional energy, and life. Product of divorce from an alcoholic mother who abandoned me at 14 and favors her two oldest kids. They can do no wrong. I cut off all connections to my siblings after 60 years and they're all thinking, "Gee, what's his problem?". I finally set boundaries, but 40 years too late. It sucks. I'm relationally broken and as the sunset of my life comes around, I have settled with the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am drawn to people who will take advantage of me and treat me poorly like a moth to light.
Don't give up! Stay here and begin to heal.❤ read the posts from others for courage and possibly ideas that you could branch out & have a better life. I'm 76 * have gone no contact a year ago. It's a blessing! talk therapy & 12 step program " Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meetings. I worked with their side study groups. Both were very helpful It's never too late, is what I tell myself . Welcome to our healing community
Thank you, Anna for your work. My story .... I've been under someone's thumb for 35 years ! I put up with Verbal abuse and mistreatment all that time. I'm 76 years old . This New Years Day will be my one year anniversary of going no contact with my abusers. My healing journey began when I started to attend the 12 step group called 'Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families ' . I participated in their side study groups. I also went individual talk therapy. I educated myself about people with Personality Disorders from licensed professionals. I learned about the red flags to watch out for. Low and behold! Some of these folks were right under my nose, sucking the life out of me. Somewhere along the way i found Anna Runkle, thankfully! Then finally, I chose to go no contact . After almost one year of being free of it, it is a blessing. Welcome to the Crappy Childhood Fairy Community , all. Let's Stay & heal together.
😢 so sad. Gone through the same. But after a break long term. I noticed friends were cruel and uncaring... I decided to cut ties not worth the heartache. They are slowly being replaced by like minded people... Please be kind to yourself, you sound a good heart to me ❤
One of my sisters is fun to hang out with but also can be very mean. I put her on a ‘timeout’ every couple of years when it is so much. She responds with anger. She has no idea what she does. It is normal life for her to get angry at people.
I have a stepsister who sounds near identical to your own sister. These people do not and cannot understand how their behavior affects others. Her own boyfriend had to call her out to “be nice” in front of me this past Spring because of how nasty she gets. It’s definitely a “them” problem and I choose to stay away from it.
my sister strangles me every time i go back to visit for the holidays. it took me years to remember and realize this-shes done it so many times out of nowhere and i never held her accountable. ive never even heard her utter the word “sorry.” and then i separated myself and starting remembering how she used to tattle and sell me out to our abusive mother when i did nothing wrong, and i even remembered an incident when i was 12 and she was 10 and she pushed me backward off a balcony at our aunt’s house. the reason was because i was smiling and happy. im no contact with my sister. she will never see her big sister or get anything from me ever again. i have no one to spend the holidays with and i have no friends or support due to CPTSD but at least im not actively being attacked.
@@anju8376 Ugh, I'm so sorry you went through this. All of us. I shared a womb with a sibling like this. Finally walked away and got erased. I'm sure another sibling took my place.
Yup yet the harsh truth is: how you let others treat you is how you see your self. We’re so used to abuse, toxicity and gaslighting that we often let it slide. And when we try and stand up for ourselves and place boundaries it’s kinda already too late. Because we often are open minded, kind and empathic, we sadly attract Narcissists. Not because we are “weak” in any way, but because we are the perfect victim they love to feed off from and destroy. This was an eye opener to me thanks to Dr. Ramani! Learn to recognize Narcissists so you can remove yourself before it’s too late. Never stop being you, but stop being a people pleaser and start saying no, and place boundaries. That way the trash will take its self out. The Narcissist may try and lovebomb, hover and gaslight you back in. Don’t argue, don’t be reactive or personalize, just walk away. Why I cut out my toxic abusive conservative christian parents, and moved to the big city. Good riddance!
Fascinating and yet I hear of so many turning to just those things to find stability and/or relief; we really are all different and walking our own paths in life.
This woman is truly the best on the planet. I wish everybody who has had abuse could listen to her. Nobody comes close to her communication skills regarding abuse!
Yep. My experiences have always been in the church. Praying for my husband to see the signs in the institution and to see into his own experiences to decide that worshiping in a safe environment will make all the difference.
Hello Dr. Anna, thank you for this video compilation. I've realized at the age of 33 that I had a streak of critical & mean friends in my youth and teenage years, up until young adult life. The person who I am now (with therapy, meditation & shadow work) would have NEVER been around those who I considered "friends" in the past. Looking back, I know the people in my life didn't really care about me, and/or cared about themselves and their ego more than our friendship. At this point, I would NOT be friends with those people. I have standards for true friends now, and if someone had an issue with meeting those standards? They can keep walking. I'm learning that I'd prefer my own company versus having people around who passively aggressively hate on me.
The most painful part is seeing them treat others quite well…… And knowing you’re a good person and deserve that too, is really confusing Like, why am I bringing the jerk out of you?! Why do I trigger you so badly?! 😢😢
You are so spot-on about everything you said here. I have gone through a lot of these things after my divorce; I attracted a lot of unhealthy things, including people. I let people bully me, disrespect me, and degrade me to the point where I started lashing out to even the score. I finally got sick of it and put an end to it.
For someone whos been victimised a lot, i have to say i dont tolerate mean people anymore they arent part of my life. That behavour is out in the dust bin . Im so proud 😊❤
I'm ended a 10 years long relationship with my best friend. He was once everything to me but I could't bear all the the things I blamed myself for that I had nothing to feel sorry for. The pressure was too strong and I realized I didn't have to try and be perfect for him when he was allowed to betray me in all sorts of way and I would always forgive. I didn't respect myself and so he didn't respect me. I'm in pain and a bit lonely but I feel more empowered. I'd rather learn to love myself and be with myself than having that kind of relationship again.
I'm so full of joy that I know that God loves me and Jesus walks beside me I'm such a happy person I have such a great life I have food I have shelter I have my chihuahua I have beautiful things I'm not rich but I have beautiful things and I don't tolerate people that are low vibration I stay away from them
Yup but I gave tried to walk away but then I lost jobs, caught myself completely alone and isolated in life, Xmas, New Years... So for me it seems that either I let myself be a punching bag to have at least someone to get a coffee with or I continue alone, single, poor and vulnerable. I only attract psycopaths.
God this is so true. It’s also due to our conditioning by family members when we are children. I think in our 50s we are better able to look back and come to terms with our failures.
woah, I need this video. my friends have said to me before "jeez people are so mean to you, people never talk to me like that" and its not even just friends, it's coworkers and just random people around me. thank you for this validating video, I need the answers.
I feel like some people see an "easy target" in people like us because they think can get away with treating us like crap. And to some extent that might be true because we weren't really taught how to properly stand up for ourselves. Or if we did there were severe repercussions that just made it not worth the hassle. I still struggle with this myself but rather than try to be argumentative and fight back and I'm going to try simply walking away whenever I'm being disrespected.
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At 56 I have finally learned that I'm not a punching bag, scapegoat or other target for toxic people to deflect upon... Small towns are hives of corruption, ignorance and serious mental illness. If you're the nicest or smartest person in the room or the new person- you're wearing a huge target.
This is so well said. First 21 years I lived in such place and it was horrible. Lots of physical and mental abuse from parents, sexual abuse from other people. Lots of trauma from that. Then I became a prostitute for a short time while in high school and that's how I met a rich guy from the US from some village in New Hampshire. No trauma from being a prostitute tbh. The guy offered me real work, so I jumped at the chance because I had zero money and only high school education. Imagine, an abused young guy from a tiny village in eastern europe finally manages to escape and find work abroad. Sadly upon my arrival to this New Hampshire village he started abusing me. I was so caught off guard that I endured it. I had zero money, not even for a bus from there... I didn't even realize it's a bad thing what was happening, because I was so used to abuse and this time it wasn't exactly violent in nature. Unfortunately this abuse has given me ptsd which I'm only starting to deal with in 2024 after 11 years of depression and anxiety. The same month I returned from the US I started drinking, smoking, gambling, left university that I was freshly accepted to, left my boyfriend... I have addictions and no real work for several years, I couldn't deal with people or even focus on basic tasks at work (can't even write here how I get money now). Videos on this channel are great, I feel like someone understands me and thanks to Anna I managed to slightly reduce my symptomps of anxiety, which I didn't think was possible because I was feeling shaken to my core every day for the past 11 years. I have hope, I'm "only" 33, but I also have doubts about how I can change when I already missed 11 years of my life, and before that it was bad but at least I didn't have the damn PTSD. I feel like what people describe in videos about antidepressant induced sexual dysfunction - I feel chemically castrated because I can't even be intimate with people without my body going into fight&flight response. Hardcore drugs help with that a bit, but not fully, it's still far from okay and I can't function on drugs, that would only make it so much worse...
Well put and unfortunately very true
That was my experience when my father retired from the Army. We moved to a small town Newport, Arkansas. Bible Belt and so terrible prejudice.
So many negative experiences! Age 18 yrs old I scrambled to get away.
@bex3425 yep- and the second string Barney Fife cops they hire that harass the new families in town 🤦 I'm so thankful for all the security cams, body cams, dash cams, etc! It's been a crazy 25 years! Both of my sons have rocked at life, both are very successful veterans with deployments-, daughter is amazing, too! They all have a military family and a few great friends from town who have been positively influenced by them (and my parenting 🤭 cuz they all ended up at my house during highschool) The leftovers in town (I have 30 acres out of town on the other side of the highway) are still doing the crappie flop with all the problems from 15-20 years ago. When I go to town to the post office, etc, I tell people I'm headed over to the asylum!
so true. same goes for jobs... when you are new and vulnerable as a direct result of being new and trying to adapt and navigate through so much. ... weak, mean and evil people will use you as the scapegoat. The ring leader bully will start abusing you and drag along all the weak spineless ones to join in. When you stand up for yourself the abuser will play the victim making you to be the bad one.... our world is made up of these toxic dynamics because many are weak, spineless and evil and good people do nothing. This is why animals, children and the elderly... the ones who have no voice are so abused. I am thoroughly disgusted now with most people.
What makes me crazy is the difference in standards. Toxic/narcissistic family members get to talk nastily and turn all the attention on themselves, but if I act out or get angry, I’m the problem?
SO EXACTLY TRUE !!!!!!! My mother's attitude towards her adult children setting boundaries on bad nhvr.
exactly! they ganged up on me, saying horrible insults, speaking condescendingly, rolling their eyes, laughing sadistically at me, then "oh, we're just kidding, stop being so sensitive! we love you so much!" yeah, because insults and disrespect are "love" and indeed, if i got upset, nd yelled, calling out their attitude and harmful words, i need to shut up, because i'm being mean and upsetting people over nothing and i'm "acting crazy" and need to be on meds for believing they don't love me so clearly. double standards and gaslighting, it was crazymaking,and now i'm low contact to retain my sanity.
@@alaia-awakened I hear you 100%. What I would say is that somehow life or your own conscience is pushing you in the direction of taking the higher route. Do you think when you breathe your last breath you’ll regret this? I grew up in a family with people who were running away from themselves endlessly. They could never face themselves, would you want to live that life. I grew up with two members of my family with borderline personality disorder, histrionic, personality disorder, and bipolar disorder. I know what it is to be abused. I know what it is to be manipulated. I know what it is to be made confused about who I am. I have taken the highroad, I’ve done the work to understand who I am, and how I became the way that I am. I can look myself in the face in the mirror. Once you’re able to draw those boundaries, you can find people who live their life differently or if not, you can at least look yourself in the mirror and be proud. I was never allowed to be angry. I’m still not allowed to get angry by my brother. That’s OK, he’s over there and I have the right to have as much of a buffer zone as I choose. That I couldn’t do when I was younger. It’s a drag yes, it’s less of a drag than it used to be
Yeah it's insane where are the good ppl
Then you have your answer - if they are using you to get attention by abusing you REFUSE TO BE AROUND THEM OR ANYONE WHO CONDONES THEIR BEHAVIOR- EVENTUALLY the abusive person will have to find another victim & one by one they'll start to see just who has the " problem " either way you have to love yourself enough to walk away- I've done things wrong in my life & tried for 30 years begging forgiveness as they treated me like dirt, I'd go away lick my wounds then crawl back to them EVERY TIME & finally this year I decided you know what YES WHAT I DID WAS WRONG & I've tried every way to get forgiveness- they're using it as control- The Lord has forgiven me, I have forgiven me & now they can't hold that over me anymore I TOLD THEM I WAS DONE BEING MANIPULATED & ABUSED BY THEM & I'M DONE WITH THE GUILT SO HAVE A NICE LIFE & I WALKED AWAY & HAVEN'T BEEN BACK I'M SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW -- IT WAS SO FREEING !!! 😁🤠
Whenever I stand up for myself, I am berated, ostracised, and talked about. I live in a toxic village community that feels unsafe but I remind myself that at my core I'm a decent person 😢
Relatable I avoid almost everyone i literally hid in my car once
@Channel89988 I'm almost a hermit now. I've hidden in my car/dived down alleyways and all sorts of avoidance tactics 🙈
@Channel89988
I hear you. I tried dating a guy after divorcing a narcissist who pretty much took every ounce of my energy. Turns out the new guy was love bombing me and turned out to be a predator. I now just avoid meeting new people here in the community as they're hostile towards outsiders, and I haven't dated for 2 years. Thank God for my companion animals, they save me every day.
I want to move away but I'm suffering with severe fatigue from years of stress.
I hear you. I really hope your situation improves. You don't deserve to be treated badly.
Im so sorry that happened😢. You dont deserve that either wish we had better experiences. The guy I thought was fine he immediately started asking me question about my body and wanted to get physical.. After we talked and then he said he only wanted instant gratification.. I almost lost all my self esteem again due to everything that happened and my loneliness.Its so not easy to trust people and after what I went through I dont trust most. Its just really not easy I hope ur situation gets better as well.
@Channel89988 it's definitely wise not to trust until proven otherwise! ❣️
Scapegoat here. I would always wonder why my friends were so mean to me. I thought it was a reflection of me. About 20 years ago, I figured out that I chose friends who were like my narc mom. I now have fewer friends but they are all kind to me.
Relate!!
I can relate. These things happen on a deeply subconscious level.
I do not attract mean people, but there simply are too many dangerous scoundrels and bullies about who should be duly fined or jailed. That's the harsh truth.
Exactly this too.
💯
You are utterly right . Don't put the cart before the horse .
There are so many abysmally evil people out there that you have to be on your guard against .
You can count yourself lucky to have a well-functioning intuition, which was perhaps sharpened precisely because it was vitally important in a bad childhood for survival . That 's my interpretation .
@tanjathamm9445 Your Interpretation ist right!
So true. This week I had a written warning sent to a loud, toxic & disrespectful co worker. She's been allowed to act like a total assh0le for years & I have put a stop to it. About time!
I think people in dysfunctional families are not taught how to set boundaries, what they want, their limits, to say no, or get up and leave. If you see your mom or dad with no boundaries, you don’t have skills to stand up for yourself. If you are not validated growing up, you question yourself. If you have a feeling that something’s off, but don’t know how to handle it (skills) things don’t get addressed.
Mean people immediately will know an individual is not gonna put up with their crap. They test you and if you don’t have the skills, they’re gonna run all over you.
I don’t think you attract mean people. I think you don’t have the skills to know how to deal with people who are trying to manipulate you.
Absolutely
Not even that, but if you grow up with parents who punish you for exercising boundaries instead of teaching you how to set them properly, and you consistently learn that having and setting boundaries is wrong, you learn to just stop having them because it keeps you safe.
@@cornwallismorgan874 yes, they deactivate your defenses.
And they said what you said as a child dealing with toxic parents we as small developing humans internally deep deep down wrote the script to validate the toxicity 😢 only if we lucky we get to learn we are the problem / family are the problem , wrong thinking and unbalanced demands to validate internally don't retire ....we become adults stuck❤ God Bless IN healing❤
@sapphirehands7780 I wholeheartedly agree! That lack of skill creates an inadequacy, a weakness that many domineering individuals will be more than ready to exploit!!
I agree, mean people are everywhere, and that is why I don't enjoy being around people, strangers especially. My peace is more important to me than anything else.
Exactly! 👏
Yup. Same.
Yes. It's hard because you know that it's healthy to socialize but at the same time, if you're used to attracting low vibrational people, then it just makes you not wanna do anything to where you'll be around a bunch of people.
I’m 68 year’s old and a therapist and still fall into this.
thank you for your post...75 here...perhaps life long journey
People like power. If an upper hand can be taken, they’ll grab it.
Stand up for yourself and you earn respect.
Some ppl will never respect us. I self-respect.
Grabbing the upper hand - need for one-upmanship - comes from deep insecurity
Standing up for yourself won't make bullies respect you. They just change to an easier target or if not, try to see if you can be broken.
@@RippleDrop. If I can't have their respect, I will settle for them being deathly afraid of me.
Untrue. I got a written warning sent to the office bully. Hopefully it helps keep her toxic mouth shut for once! @@RippleDrop.
It's because I'm patient and kind. I give off that vibe, but when these silly people cross my boundaries, they learn that I am not a pushover. 😊
I felt this. When I finally get angry and mean people can't believe I am the same person. They are surprised I don't put up with their nonstop abuse.
"Don't mistake kindness for weakness".
@@CherylBerrylDamn can you hiss like a snake ? If you dont your chances of survival are unfortunately lower
When I divorced, it took two years for me to figure out that I had been emotionally abused. I was used to it because of my mother. I realized that what I had experienced was not normal.
Yep, this resonates. It was sad to realise that I'd (essentially) married my mother 😮
Ditto.
Yesss- it seems normal- good on you took me 6 years and having to read journals my doc made me keep - like a year or three after writing, cause we re write it in our head ….and don’t remember what happened cause the gaslighting
if you wake up from generational trauma the narcissistic in your family will call you schizophrenic and mental...how dare you threaten to upset the status a quo of their delulu land😂😂😂
Accepting the Unacceptable is Dysfunction.
It can be hard to know what is unacceptable. No one is perfect and people are very flawed. But being able to tell the difference between someone being flawed and someone being abusive, can prove challenging. I would rather have relationships where I’m able to feel safe to be vulnerable. I would say that if it’s unsafe to be vulnerable, then that is by definition a dysfunctional relationship
yeah our mothers and grandmothers have been conditioned to accept dysfunction as the norm for ages
@@SuperDflower omg this is how I feel about the narcissistic part of my family
Tolerating the intolerable. I don’t accept cruel treatment any more. Not voluntarily. I hope I am never in a position where I’m at the mercy of a merciless person. Those people are among us unfortunately.
Videos like this, that say that we attract and cause mistreatment, don’t help because they refuse to put the focus/blame squarely on the shoulders of the actual bad guys
Abuse and neglect are horrible. I pray for every child on this earth who has experienced them both. God bless the babies on this Earth.
I was a licensed Pharmacy Technician, which itself is a high stress career. I was the scapegoat and was mistreated and ostracized. It was horrible and I finally got a leave of absence because of all the trauma and stress. I decided not to go back and got another job as a checker at our local family owned market. I took a huge cut in pay but it was worth it because I was appreciated for all my hard work. I had regular customers who waited in line patiently at my check stand. I'm now 65 and retired. I have tjme for my family and two wonderful grandkids. I spend time with my friends and neighbors and enjoy my hobbies. Since I love to cook and bake, my family gets to be treated to my meals that are made with love. I encourage anybody who's in a scapegoat environment to get out of it. You deserve to be appreciated, appreciated and loved ❤
Thank you for sharing your story, it's inspiring ❤
❤❤❤
It’s frustrating that you had to take a financial cut for some peace of mind & respect. Perhaps you’ll move on to a job that meets (maybe exceeds!!) all of your needs. You deserve to flourish
@annfoster5190 Bless you and Thank you for sharing 🥰🙏🏼😇🎶♥️🕊💫
I am an attorney... The toxic workculture is just part of the job, if you cannot accept that I found, then you won't make it in law. You have to become just as messed up and indifferent as your coworkers apparently, I was speeched to become more COLD and indifferent, detached and clinical...
yeah I don't drink with my coworkers or party with them.
.. year end functions aka "christmas parties" is a dangerous place to be at. Everyone is waiting for you to throw away your name and act stupid...they will even feed you free alcohol to try and make you look stupid.
I’m completely blind, on the autism spectrum and have CPTSD. For a long time, I’ve been fitting myself to other people’s crap. I allow them to put restrictions on me about when and how I should use my accommodations and ways to regulate and navigate in this world. I’ve allowed people to suppress me of my emotions and of my needs. Well, I can no longer mask and fit into society’s norms and molds! I’m allowed to be me! I’m allowed to use the regulation tools and other accommodations I need to navigate the world! I’m quirky and a goofball, but I LOVE IT! I use sensory fidget items, but SO WHAT! I’M ME! It’s what I need, and that’s ok! I’m still worth it!
Good! You have connected to yourself. Beautiful ❤
Sienna, you've been such a fun, wise and generous part of this community for a long time. Thanks for being you!
@@heedfix8465 I’m going through burnout due to masking and suppressing myself to make others comfortable and happy. I’m now realizing that it’s not working. I’m allowed to be different. It’s ok for me to be unique. Different doesn’t mean burden. I mean, it may mean that to some people. But in my world, different just means special, interesting, unique, a blessing and a gift.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I’m going to keep on working to be me, even out in the community, and if someone stares at me because I’m acting or behaving differently, well, I’m going to let them. I’ve exhausted myself and all my energy trying to act and behave normally. Well, I’m not neurotypical, nor sighted, I can’t keep pretending like I was traumatized, and that’s ok. Now it’s about not listening to the judgment of others or the judgment from myself. I’m expressing myself, I’m communicating through ways your average person doesn’t do, but I’m still doing it, and it’s not harmless.
You absolutely can Love and be Loved...This is what you deserve...always remember that God loves you and will never abandon you...
I hear this so much. I have chosen men in my life specifically because they were unavailable, creepy, socially and mentally inferior, even nasty and criminal - and I get it that I was being my own devil, imposing my own sentence for being a person I thought was worthy of punishment simply for existing. I am old now and it doesn't really matter anymore, but I recommend to young women who still have years ahead of them to pay close attention to the common denominator in your love relationships. That's what you have to work on. That's the start of the chain that binds you to pain.
@@MerryWidow420 I love your comment. I have also made many mistakes in relationships. I felt like I deserved to be mistreated. As I have gotten older and now a widow I am working on myself and I enjoy the peace and quiet of home
And better yet, sobriety from relationships (romance, "love," aka sex etc) to work on yourself, healing, and same sex friends.
You sound like me.
Multiple abusive marriages. I married men like my father.
I also put up with alot of crap from men earlier. I never married because the men I dated wouldn't commit. I left them all and am stronger. I notice many women are bending over backwards to keep a man, and I stopped that long ago.
I have a similiar problem and always attract men in relationships (without me knowing). I am so sick of this because the pain gets bigger as I always think I finally found the one - only to get disappointed again. This life has zero quality and as working on myself hasn't changed much I wonder what it is I can still do.
Every new person I think might be a friend turns out mean and I quit talking to them.
I've realized I've tolerated way too much for way too long...just now learning to hold my head up & that I have choices!! ❤️🙏🏼
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's interesting how our trauma can also create the exact opposite effect. I learned to avoid bad people like the plague. Maybe because of the striking contrast between good and bad people that was demonstrated to me a lot growing up. I watched terrible people mistreat the good people and each other, and promised myself that the former category will never have access to me.
This, of course, resulted in isolation because I'm so hypersensitive to red flags and I'd rather be completely alone than risk someone bad entering my life. It's a peaceful existence and people who are with me are amazing, but I am limiting myself to a small life and missing out on many opportunities and experiences just to maintain my peacefulness.
Even the most authoritative experts seem to overlook the problem of HOW PERVASIVE abusive behavior is. If you don't tolerate being relentlessly negged and mistreated, you're likely to become socially isolated. What mental health experts call abuse is normal to, to mind, a majority of people - at least in the US where I'm from
10:19 yes I’m carrying an abandonment wound. Honestly at this point I’d rather be alone than put up with bad “friends.”
I got rid of dozens of mean people and now I’m alone so alone all the time it’s hard
I have gone through this to a dangerous point. I was desperately unregulated and lonely. As I used my alone time to really dig deep into education and self-honesty. I am slowly making real friends, and learning (slowly) to push back, calmly respond, and dump controlling people with confidence and sometimes a silent stare and distance. It is a long, steep, hard path. I wish you a true friend, one at a time.
You are not alone. The LORD is with you always. Growing to know that has saved me, could help you too. ❤
be filled with the Holy Spirit and you are not alone
Go and meet new people please!
i m alone too...
Omg! This is exactly what I have been WONDERING!!! What IS it about me that I am constantly surrounded by bullies?? However, I have finally started to accept and remove these people from my life-even sisters. Even potentially my daughter!! Thank you for this video.
My only sister and I have parted ways effective August 15th, 2024. She's always hated me. I finally accepted this fact. I haven't changed my telephone number yet, but........I will. When I do, I know that I will never see her again. .,.................... Head hung low in tears. Giving in
I hear you LOUD and CLEAR. My experiences as well. I just walk away from it all. They are not worth it.
Daughters are hard and I've had to distance myself.
It's distance or my sanity.
@@charlottehanna790 Is she older or younger than you, Charlotte?
Gosh yes my own sister is so krass and rude I would never have picked her for a sister. Had to set boundaries ok that for my own sanity. Can't confront her she won't hear it.
Raised by narcissistic mother .. family scapegoat… I never got the proper help … educated my self got a university degree some good jobs but ultimately couldn’t hang on to them.. all relationships negative.. people don’t seem to like me… I’m struggling.. I just reflect and see nothing but a broken life.. struggles .. tried to do self help route.. some professionals.. but never found someone who specialized in narcissistic abuse… some days I feel like I can’t breath… this video really hit home… looking for help… late 50s thought I would have managed it better.. just real so alone…
❤you are not alone.......well done for getting a university degree!! 😊
It is a cold, cruel world. It's just that you see it for what it is. Meanwhile, be your own best friend. You got this far. You are Not living a lie like so many do. You are enough. You are worthy.
@@karenlewkowitz5858 thank you … I will try to believe your kind words.. feeling really beaten down.. your words mean a lot..
I am 100% with you on every word except it came from my father. Now, at almost 60, I am isolated and alone. I am hanging in there, though, and I hope you are too.
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I think sometimes you latch onto nasty people because you're used to being around a threat, so if you can SEE the threat it's actually less stressful than not being able to see the threat. And if you're traumatized, well there's always got to be a threat, right? So you tell yourself that that person who isn't threatening you is just hiding the way in which they are threatening you. Being stabbed in the back is scarier than being stabbed in the front, right? The idea of someone who isn't looking to stab you is inconceivable.
And you're dead on about how being traumatized is ultimately self-absorbed. 😕Not my favorite thing to admit, but it's true.
But most people are a threat…especially modern day it’s illogical to trust anyone.
@evaphillips2102 I'm no longer convinced of that.
I recently found the abusive email from my bro from 10 years ago, which prompted me going no contact. Reading it now, I can see how I'm healing. Reading it back then, I was incredibly shaken, felt deep shame, completely petrified and stifled anger. Now I read it differently. In his awful words, I see his huge entitlement, his ignorance of boundaries, and the menacing blame directed at me for his deep resentment.
I've also recently finally realised how I am missing my 'core' self as I automatically 'read the room' to focus on others, and erase my sense of myself (more than just simple people pleasing). I felt like a ring donut!
My point is that I realised I have both been drawn to and attracted folk who matched my childhood environment, but now that I am able to engage more with myself, I am learning to check in with myself first when I'm mixing with folk at work and play. So, I feel I send out a very different vibe, and then, get a different response from and dynamic with others.
Feeling the difference is amazing and gives me hope for a better future
Thank you for this perfectly timed video! 🙏
@@maddi3582 I have gone no contact with my brother… very cruel .. I shake sometimes when I think of things he has done.. his wife same.. my only sibling … I understand exactly what you are feeling
I have been called sensitive so many times when i confront them. Like i have to just deal with their behaviour. Im so done with that
Keep confronting them. If you stop confronting, they will never develop self awareness about their own behavior.
@@ilsedemolder3973
Narcissists will NEVER develop self awareness about their own behavior, that's part of why they're narcissists! Still, confront them anyway. They've GOT to learn that you/we, are NO Longer Taking ANY SHIT!!!
They are gaslighting you. The world is full of narcissists. If you confront themmfor their rude and hateful behavior then they call you too sensitive or crazy.
Another problem is that after some time, we often forget how badly they treated us... I believe it's a huge issue for empaths/good-hearted people since we don't want to have conflicts with anyone, all we crave is peace, love, and harmony in our lives... I've noticed that I easily forget people's bad behavior, which is why I tend to let them come back into my life, and then I open my eyes again and think why did I make this mistake again... An evil circle... This is what I should work more on... To be able to draw a strict line and say no, enough is enough, and never go back or feel pity for them. We may not believe in words or actions, but if it's a pattern, it's probably not going to change unless the person consciously and intentionally starts working on it.
@@robertamika9903 trust me, I totally understand the "forgetting all the damage" part of it is probably self preservation, the other part is fearing the inevitable (being alone again- at least that's what it was for me)
Had to start keeping a journal and when I look back up to three years ago I'm shocked today that I EVER let it go on as long as I did ❤️🩹
Walking away and silence is a necessity to get your point across...it's not gaslighting or manipulation...it you standing up for yourself and enough is enough...time for NO's and boundaries set in place. Huge hug 🫂 ❤
Yes, I struggled with this alot! I'm so quick to forgive. Especially coming from a church background where "forgiveness " is shoved down your throat and many teach you to forgive "7× 77", but we often aren't taught that we can forgive and still choose to move on.
17:12 "There's nothing more to life than a bunch of small steps." SO good to remember for we who overwhelm ourselves
This hits home so hard. It has taken me 40 yrs to figure out that I've never ever actually had friendships that were functional relationships. Every last one only befriended me until I didn't serve a purpose for them any longer and they made no efforts to cover that crappiness up.
The only reason it's different now is because I "broke the wheel" lonely at first, I quickly found more true love in a year than what I'd ever experienced my whole life❤❤❤❤
Congratulations and blessings to you. You deserve it.
Where and how did you find true love?
@ilsedemolder3973 I found it in me. Sounds cliche but I had to lose my oldest daughter, and then lose my entire phone with contacts I've had for over 20 years. Getting a new phone and a new phone number, while that was a great loss not half as great as losing my oldest daughter, over the months I would start to see who wasn't there for me anymore and who never even reached out to me if I didn't reach out first. Fast forward 3 years later, my career is better than ever, a relationships are real and feel very different than any of the ones I've ever had before so I know they're good. And I am full different person don't even know that person anymore that I used to be for others in a negative way. Even when the bad days come and they come, so much freedom and having functional friendships and relationships. That really is true love loving yourself
@ilsedemolder3973 trust me, it wasn't easy at all. It was very painful and lonely at first The realization that others could so blatantly care less if they ever heard from me again even right after my daughter had died. It was a whole bunch of slaps in the face. A little bit of time and isolation one on one time with me a lot of inner work, and it definitely didn't happen overnight but it did happen by taking small consistent steps forward
I think this is true. I had a couple of them. Once I left one, I left them all. I didn't know that 'friend' can be a bad thing. Now having had some time for reflection, I was making myself small to make them happy, and still got put down and ridiculed. Some people have insatiable desire to one up. Don't put up with them.
i used to do this time and time again. In the last few years ive slowly gotten rid of those people . Fast forward to now i no longer keep anyone around who treat me or anyone else badly. Im learning a new me who keeps to my boundaries
❤❤❤
Same here. It's been a process, but I'm finding new peace every day.
I used to feel anxious around mean people growing up. I thought I was secretly attracted to them all because of how flushed and excited I would become. I now know my rapid heartrate and flushed face were actually feelings of anger at their blatant cruel behaviors. I’m still learning to avoid those kinds of people, or at the very least stop fawning over them, and welcome those I feel more at ease around.
This. We are drawn to people who mistreat us in the same way that we were mistreated as a child, because we feel this is a way to finally get those needs met.
As adults we misinterpret the agitation that we feel in their presence (anger, anxiety, etc…) as attraction. Healthy attraction isn’t “fireworks” or “sparks”. It’s warm and quiet.
But we don’t understand this until we start to rewire our nervous systems and start to honestly feel how bad it feels to be around toxic people. Because our survival no longer depends on desensitizing ourselves to it.
But you’re right. Two decades into this, “butterflies” are warning system for me. It’s a warning that I’m in the presence of an angry, emotionally unavailable/toxic woman…and I need to move away from her. Not towards her.
I run into folks in the locker room and instantly go into grovel/fawning mode, like I'm talking to someone with superior intelligence or something and they LOVE it, then afterwards I'm like WHY? Why did I just put myself through that? They're just pretentious sanctimonious a-holes!!! 🤷
Thank you🩷 for this comment. I need to do the same
@kellygreenii so true! Great comment!
@kellygreenii such an important comment 🩷
This felt like suddenly being full of joy and energy. I have done a lot of work figuring out about my narcissistic family, my own role(s) etc. now I am on my way to a new life, having stop seeing some persons in the family: mother/sister. I needed to find out why I have all these mean persons around me, and constantly have to cut with them, and how to meet nice persons. Now I get it! Thank you.
People treat you badly because they choose to. You can’t make a good person treat you badly.
Pray, meditate, keep a diary, exercise, remove negative and/or toxic people out of your life. Sometimes you've gotta move to a better place. Take good care of yourself. Make better choices and respect yourself. Love your self more. Embrace positive people.
I’m getting so much better at spotting the red flags in new acquaintances. I’m finally in contact with my bodies signals for the first time in my life and it vividly shows me when someone either oversteps my boundaries or that their morals don’t align with mine. It’s hard though, and I find myself constantly debating between the side that feels lonely and longs for human connection and the side that’s aware and who finally feels comfortable in her own skin (and company)! Being 39, actively healing from childhood trauma + 1 year post an eight year relationship with a covert narcissist, I see everything so clearly now! I’m not afraid of anything anymore and I finally feel a sense of peace and hope for the future. Your videos have been very helpful this year. Thank you! ❤
Well done for learning this relatively early in life
@@pixie3458 thank you ❤️
Well said...I can relate. This channel has helped me so much.❤
Thanks so much for this. I find I used to be surrounded by heartless, mean people, still am.. but the difference now is that I do not allow them into my inner circle. When we are nice and good people... toxic predatory people who study others see that and see it as a weakness to take advantage of... I used to think everyone had potential and would be or could be somewhat kind back towards my kindness. Now the minute I see any vampiric, user style mean behaviours I am done! I am rather isolated and love my pets and my own company. I confront people in gentleness and love but if they become offensive instead of accountable I am also done. I have taken a big step back and with clarity now I choose being alone any day over spending even very little time with unauthentic mean people. The sad thing I have been able to realise is that true, authentic and kind people are very rare. Very rare are real diamonds in a world of cubic zircons.
You are speaking my life story. I realized that it was all I knew growing up. As I began to experience anger and resistance, I was awkward and anxious as I tried to develop boundaries. I feel like I am finally getting a sense of self-acceptance with my "no thank you." (Period). I am making some wonderful friends. I love your transparency.
Left my abusive career after 30 years. Now working on myself. 💔 My ex boss called me recently with a few questions. My husband listened to the conversation as I was on speaker and my husband was shocked at how I was talked to and talked at. That was eye opening. I forgot how bad it was. I remembered quickly💔I tolerated it for 30 years and luckily had built up my 403b, cashed it early, and retired early. Worth every cent.
Consider those who hurt other people mentally ill persons.....escape from those who are cruel and mean and believe in yourself
You are not the problem, you are perfect
I send you a big hug ❤
I absolutely do not put up with mean ppl. Even ppl who slightly cross boundaries of those I care about will get completely jettisoned. I have no time for nasty ppl ever.
Amen to that!!! I'm on the same page as you!!! NO Longer taking ANY Shit!!!
Did you grow up in a family of mean people? Good for you, how did you do it?
For years I truly thought that I turned people mean.
From friends to family, coworkers and lovers...
I thought: you were kind, considerate and seemed genuine when we met(or seemed to be earlier in life).
Me too
What do you think now, cause I can relate to that.
In my experience it is more often people who are kind or smart or more attractive or some combination of positive attributes who will be targeted for abuse. It would be helpful if the public could become more educated about this unfair dynamic that goes on quietly but continuously in our culture, and to call it out when they observe it (if safe). Some of these people will stop if they sense that someone else is watching and noticing the irrationality of it.
My problem is people who are nice to everyone else are mean to me.
I know what you mean.
That's narcissism
We long to have toxic people be nice to us, magic transformation of our toxic parent relationship.
I know that you are being honest and telling people to stand up for themselves. There's a lot of shame in people having a past of abuse. In our culture, there is this mentality where there is so much shame even being hurt by people. So our traumatized culture has this mentality that they are in the wrong for being exploited or showing emotion. When we cross the street in my culture, it's mostly just the pedestrians who are supposed to look both ways. When we're in a fight, the goal is "don't get beat up". There is a lot of shame staying in relationships because the saying is "don't get abused". When we are born in a cult, not by our choice, the saying is "don't be a sheep". There was an ad for car thieves that stated "Here are tips from the pros themselves about how not to be a victim".
Mostly, there is so much shame for being abused by a traumatized person. Why do we use this phrase "you attract what you are?" What ever happened to the wisdom that how people treat you doesn't determine your worth? Why don't we accept that we are in toxic environments that were poor at teaching people their worth?
I have so many mean people in my life because it is familiar to me. Because my family is very dysfunctional, especially my abusive siblings, and this is my normal. I recognize the pattern of abuse in all these people, friends and family, but yet they are my normal. I don't feel normal around normal people. This is my baggage, and no matter how much therapy I have had, compliments feel uncomfortable to me, and my self-esteem is still very low. It is a lot easier to cut-off bad friends than bad family.
Anna is crazy wise. I really get her advice.
❤❤❤❤100%
She really is, I tune in all the way from Trinidad.
I want kind people in my life. Genuine kind people!!!!! 😢😢😢😢😢
Are there any left......? Hard to come by
Omg I was just saying this today!
Hang in there…they are rare but definitely out there!
Thanks Anna. I woke up with a lot of anger and frustration this morning and this really helped me ident and process what I was feeling, and the cause of it. A lot of the meanness that I have experienced has been very covert, a dismissiveness a what my experience and my feelings are. When people will say cliches to me like "Oh it will work out. It always does.", "See everything is going according to plan," etcetera, ad nauseum. What it feels like to me is they are saying "Shut up. I can't be bothered. I've got my own problems." I purposely don't share my feelings with most people due to this type of toxic positivity automatic response. When I hear one of these responses now, I get really pissed and I will often respond that I don't need a cliche, I need to find a solution. Sometimes the only solution in the moment is to just keep going. I feel patronized by those automatic responses. Listening to this video this morning, really helped me identify this type of treatment from others, and made more able to express how it doesn't work for me. I call it "pretend recovery/happiness/spirituality/serenity" insert whatever other word there is. It is emotional crap fitting. I've put up with it a lot from different people in the so called spiritual/recovery community, especially those in some sort of position of power, who often have a spiritual self-righteousness. It happened with my previous Al-Anon sponsor, who shut me down shortly after the loss of a long-time beloved mentor. That sponsor used the words of Al-Anon against me to put me down, dismiss me and dump me as he was too overwhelmed with what was going on in his own life. If he would have been honest with me, I would have understood and accepted that he didn't have time to sponsor me at the moment. Instead, he chose to attack and dismiss me with such cliches as "You're not ready for the program (the 4th Step), and that's okay." What I learned from the experience is that everyone has different challenges in life and different areas in need of growth. I have a pattern of putting up with people who shut me down. I wouldn't share honestly with him as I would get the lecture and the cliches. Now, I'm grateful that this happened as I am much more aware of this type of covert meanness, masquerading as "being supportive" or insert whatever phrase you want here. Lashing out at someone who has just experienced a death of loved one is unacceptable behavior, no matter how many "years of program" or "how much recovery" a person has. That is just plan mean behavior. Thanks for your forum and your insight. I really needed to be able to get clarity and put words to what I have been holding inside of me. Your video helped me identify those needs. I got you book, and I have found it really helpful. I need to pick it back up and continue reading it. Have a great day. Kevin
I have about 3 or 4 more meanies to get away from still. Poco a poco...(little by little). But I am so grateful to be able to, NOW, recognize the meanies and steer clear of the symptoms of that behavior.
3:37 This is also a huge problem, where people can't tolerate any kind of feedback if it isn't said the way you would talk to a little kid. We've grown so used to having our butts powdered that we don't recognize when someone is actually being a good friend. Good friends don't lie, coddle you, tell you what you want to hear, etc. We really don't give enough credit to people who truly want what's best for us because sometimes, we really do need a kind yet direct wake-up call. It's what gives healing direction at all.
I recently said to my therapist I thought that everyone had lost their sense of humor. She called me out on it and said, "No, we're out here, joking and laughing, you just have to keep trying to find us..."
Or maybe I dont find most people funny at all.. Especially if you are in survival mode
That's mean in itself!
Wtf
Umm your therapist sounds awful
Everyone is reading this comment wrong . She was trying to be supportive and let me know it's still possible to find friends who are joyful and funny, as it is my goal.
I think I get my trauma symptoms now (with your help) but now I've had to go no contact with everyone except some Co workers that became family. But having this unfortunate giant shield means you won't accept the bs! I've gone from being super social to a happy recluse.
Your people will show up.
For all the women out there, I would strongly recommend to read "The Art of Seductive Power by Juliet Arden".
No. I do not want to manipulate people into being my friends. I want people who want to be my friends.
@@sallyasmree4079LOL apparently those who can see through people need to learn this - how to flatter the narcissist when you know they are full of it.😢😢😢
And, Pray, Pray,Pray!
Really….especially if you cannot get away at the time.
People aren't the answer. The answer is within yourself. Validate yourself don't wait for others to do it. You can do it. Believe yourself. Trust yourself. Listen to what is going on inside. Hold on for dear life and keep moving forward.
I dealt with this so many times. People start off as though they are all for me and then they abuse the heck out of me. It hurts so bad. Worst part is I'm so forgiving and allow them to do it again. Now I just pretend like it doesn't matter and I move on. Anytime I ever try to defend myself I lose.
same because toxic people do not ever take accountability. They prefer turning it on us. We are too sensitive, blah , blah blah. Good for you to not allow it anymore.
The majority of people are mean. They are mean even between them. There is no devotion, love, friendship here, only a kind of.
Being a normal, kind person in this world makes you a target of their envy, obssession, gossip, even crime, if you are very evolved.
boundaries is key. they will be who they are, you have the choice and the right to remove them from your inner circle. I love the terminology "crap fitting". when i notice i do that i kick people out and think "nope! i no longer crap fit myself"❤
At 43 years old I finally got to the point where I'm done ushering obligations to people that didn't earn my love and attention and time. I have learned we have only One Life to live to spend that time in a way that makes the best out of that one life.
It's means, enough to allow mean people to continue to be mean to you when you should love yourself as I've learned to love myself enough to love myself first to not feel like I'm a bad person by not giving those who were mean to me in my life and selfish to not proved that they earned the love.
I rather my feelings not be hurt than to worry about their feelings not being hurt, and for them to have hurt me my whole life trust me, their feelings won't be hurt as much as I thought it did while it let so much time being wasted.
Thanks so much for this video Anna you are God sent🎉🌿💚😏💚
I have finally learned at 50ish years old to get these type of people out of my life. Sadly tolerated it from people in life thinking something was wrong with me, I can make them like me.
I just heard about a person who when asked why he is loved everywhere he goes responded that he only goes where he’s loved.
Sometimes a ‘Friend’ can actually be a ‘Frienemy’, sadly. 😢
Yes, I finally blocked my 'friend' from FB after 15 years of no contact with this person, she was constantly sending me posts and notifications which I had no interest in engaging with. Toxic people somehow have some self- entitlement to occupy your space and time when you no longer want them to.
I completed the Freedom Session and then ended 7 relationships with hurtful people - so liberating! I am healing enough that I now recognize when someone is being mean, narcissistic, selfish, violated my boundaries, rude, etc. and its like the lights went on. They had mistreated and abused me for years, and I just put up with it until Freedom Session literally freed me from mean people. You are right, it was my choice to stay and then it was my choice to leave and walk away from those people and wow!
it created the space for God and Jesus to love me more, cos now my focus is on God and Jesus who love me and not on hurtful people.
I dumped their ass, and I'm not taking crap anymore. I've done a 720, not a 360 i spun twice. I call people out on something, and I ended an 18-year friendship, DONE. I have yet to cry about it, and I won't. I refuse to allow someone to take me to that crappy level. Oh dear god, I'm not going to be disrespected.
Well, if that's what you're conditioned to and you're caught up in it, you don't realize just what is happening until oh crap!!! I had an oh crap moment with someone, actually 2 people, this is what was happening, control issues, mental emotional, verbal abuse, with you and Patrick Teahan, i have changed a lot in 2 years.
You are so on target! I got tough last year after watching you and took a good look at some bad behaviour and did a friend dump. Felt sad but my life took a positive turn and those people found new "friends" to pick on. YAY me and you for your tough love for SELF preservation!!! Thank you Anna!
(Example, left a voice message about finding my cat dead and she responded laughing! Said she listened to my message in fast speed and I sounded like a chipmunk and oh yeah, sorry about your cat. She own a cat clinic and was the grief counselor. Go figure. Got Dumped)
Wow She sounds utterly and disgustingly heartless! I have had some similar cruel words of similar tone from fake friends and I dump them immediately once I see this type of sick attitude. The last one who did this to me I just stopped returning her calls and blocked her on my phone. I am so done with that level of crap! I am also completely perplexed by this toxic behaviour towards friends. No way... Do NOT accept that!
I don't have any mean people left in my life. I do have a couple of people who are friends but they really aren't completely safe for me to share much with them. I have one long distance friend across the country who I consider a good friend who also has a similar background. I wish I had decent friends here where I live but have trouble in this area. I just feel disappointed by so many people.
For some people, if they set boundaries, they will not have a family any more or friends or maybe even a job or ways to survive. That's why some people can't get away from mean people or just people who mistreat them.
Another great video, thank you! I'm 100% guilty of being a mean person sometime and even towards friends. Once I thought I'm a narcissist. And yes, I was being that way sometime. It was a result of things in the past - some horrible things. Now I'm a different person, much kinder in a non-pretentious way and I apologized to people who I hurt in the past. They said it was nothing, which surprised me, because I didn't think it was nothing. Eventually I started to think many of them are actually narcissists and I realized I shouldn't have apologized, because they were much worse at times. But at least it helped me close this one little chapter. Now I have to deal with a lot of other bad stuff. Good luck to everyone on their path to becoming a person they want to be - or who they were before those bad things happened.
No longer sensitive..yeah I think I can relate 😅. I had friends or family be like: that was pretty mean what so and so said .. but you're so used to "being too sensitive" so you don't know any better
Ana I'm so sorry ppl abuse u & your family didn't care. I've learned many ppl u tell your story to don't care & gaslight us. Be Blessed Fairy! Keep up the great work! Thank u so much!!!
I'm a vendor at the farmer market as my job. I sell soap and bath bombs and lovely things like that. And one of the most amazing things that I've learned through my healing this year is that my negative energy repels customers at my stall. When I'm disregulated and my vibe is off customers sense it and they don't even look at my product. I've learned to channel my gratitude and love of producing soap into a new happy life for myself and it is been amazing.
I've always taken abuse in stride. I'm trying to learn to recognize it and reject their treatment. I'm having to leave my family out of my life because they're the ones that treat me the worst.
"Crap-fitting" is a great synonym for replication compulsion.
Good grief the beginning of the video describes what Ive gone through for many years since I was in the Milwaukee Backbrace at 10 yrs old. I am learning to let go of mean people at 51 and don’t turn back! Thank you for also showing me it’s also not always about them but I need healing too and to be more reciprocal to people who are genuinely kind to me
Thank you for making this video, it’s an extremely important topic. 💜✨
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I am currently writing a book about my own trauma after struggling for 45 years as an adult. It is hard to write about but I think it is helping.
Like so many here, I have a great knack for finding "friends" that absolutely treat me like sh*t and I just put up with it until I break and then it's all over and I never see or speak to them again. Such a waste of time, emotional energy, and life. Product of divorce from an alcoholic mother who abandoned me at 14 and favors her two oldest kids. They can do no wrong. I cut off all connections to my siblings after 60 years and they're all thinking, "Gee, what's his problem?". I finally set boundaries, but 40 years too late. It sucks. I'm relationally broken and as the sunset of my life comes around, I have settled with the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am drawn to people who will take advantage of me and treat me poorly like a moth to light.
Don't give up! Stay here and begin to heal.❤ read the posts from others for courage and possibly ideas that you could branch out & have a better life.
I'm 76 * have gone no contact a year ago. It's a blessing!
talk therapy & 12 step program " Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meetings. I worked with their side study groups. Both were very helpful
It's never too late, is what I tell myself .
Welcome to our healing community
Thank you, Anna for your work.
My story ....
I've been under someone's thumb for 35 years ! I put up with
Verbal abuse and mistreatment all that time. I'm 76 years old . This New Years Day will be my one year anniversary of going no contact with my abusers.
My healing journey began when I started to attend the 12 step group called 'Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families ' . I participated in their side study groups.
I also went individual talk therapy.
I educated myself about people with Personality Disorders from licensed professionals.
I learned about the red flags to watch out for.
Low and behold! Some of these folks were right under my nose, sucking the life out of me.
Somewhere along the way i found Anna Runkle, thankfully!
Then finally, I chose to go no contact .
After almost one year of being free of it, it is a blessing.
Welcome to the Crappy Childhood Fairy Community , all. Let's Stay & heal together.
😢 so sad. Gone through the same. But after a break long term. I noticed friends were cruel and uncaring... I decided to cut ties not worth the heartache. They are slowly being replaced by like minded people... Please be kind to yourself, you sound a good heart to me ❤
@@dukebeach1 I am of similar age… your post is EXACTLY how I feel.. exactly!!!
One of my sisters is fun to hang out with but also can be very mean. I put her on a ‘timeout’ every couple of years when it is so much. She responds with anger. She has no idea what she does. It is normal life for her to get angry at people.
I have a stepsister who sounds near identical to your own sister. These people do not and cannot understand how their behavior affects others. Her own boyfriend had to call her out to “be nice” in front of me this past Spring because of how nasty she gets. It’s definitely a “them” problem and I choose to stay away from it.
i havent spoken to my siblings in 19 years . take care of yourself.
Sounds like my sister. We don’t talk anymore either since Covid
my sister strangles me every time i go back to visit for the holidays. it took me years to remember and realize this-shes done it so many times out of nowhere and i never held her accountable. ive never even heard her utter the word “sorry.” and then i separated myself and starting remembering how she used to tattle and sell me out to our abusive mother when i did nothing wrong, and i even remembered an incident when i was 12 and she was 10 and she pushed me backward off a balcony at our aunt’s house. the reason was because i was smiling and happy. im no contact with my sister. she will never see her big sister or get anything from me ever again. i have no one to spend the holidays with and i have no friends or support due to CPTSD but at least im not actively being attacked.
@@anju8376 Ugh, I'm so sorry you went through this. All of us. I shared a womb with a sibling like this. Finally walked away and got erased. I'm sure another sibling took my place.
Yup yet the harsh truth is: how you let others treat you is how you see your self. We’re so used to abuse, toxicity and gaslighting that we often let it slide. And when we try and stand up for ourselves and place boundaries it’s kinda already too late. Because we often are open minded, kind and empathic, we sadly attract Narcissists. Not because we are “weak” in any way, but because we are the perfect victim they love to feed off from and destroy. This was an eye opener to me thanks to Dr. Ramani! Learn to recognize Narcissists so you can remove yourself before it’s too late. Never stop being you, but stop being a people pleaser and start saying no, and place boundaries. That way the trash will take its self out. The Narcissist may try and lovebomb, hover and gaslight you back in. Don’t argue, don’t be reactive or personalize, just walk away. Why I cut out my toxic abusive conservative christian parents, and moved to the big city. Good riddance!
Fascinating and yet I hear of so many turning to just those things to find stability and/or relief; we really are all different and walking our own paths in life.
Whats worse is that even good people turn bad in my presence... Or there is no one good?
What do you mean by “turn bad”?
This woman is truly the best on the planet. I wish everybody who has had abuse could listen to her. Nobody comes close to her communication skills regarding abuse!
Wow. Thank you for the kind comment about Anna!
Nika@TeamFairy
Yep.
My experiences have always been in the church.
Praying for my husband to see the signs in the institution and to see into his own experiences to decide that worshiping in a safe environment will make all the difference.
Hello Dr. Anna, thank you for this video compilation. I've realized at the age of 33 that I had a streak of critical & mean friends in my youth and teenage years, up until young adult life. The person who I am now (with therapy, meditation & shadow work) would have NEVER been around those who I considered "friends" in the past. Looking back, I know the people in my life didn't really care about me, and/or cared about themselves and their ego more than our friendship. At this point, I would NOT be friends with those people. I have standards for true friends now, and if someone had an issue with meeting those standards? They can keep walking. I'm learning that I'd prefer my own company versus having people around who passively aggressively hate on me.
The most painful part is seeing them treat others quite well……
And knowing you’re a good person and deserve that too, is really confusing
Like, why am I bringing the jerk out of you?! Why do I trigger you so badly?! 😢😢
You are so spot-on about everything you said here. I have gone through a lot of these things after my divorce; I attracted a lot of unhealthy things, including people. I let people bully me, disrespect me, and degrade me to the point where I started lashing out to even the score. I finally got sick of it and put an end to it.
For someone whos been victimised a lot, i have to say i dont tolerate mean people anymore they arent part of my life. That behavour is out in the dust bin . Im so proud 😊❤
I'm ended a 10 years long relationship with my best friend. He was once everything to me but I could't bear all the the things I blamed myself for that I had nothing to feel sorry for. The pressure was too strong and I realized I didn't have to try and be perfect for him when he was allowed to betray me in all sorts of way and I would always forgive. I didn't respect myself and so he didn't respect me. I'm in pain and a bit lonely but I feel more empowered. I'd rather learn to love myself and be with myself than having that kind of relationship again.
Yes, I always felt I always attracted mean people, but I think it was more like I was being chased by them.
Me, too. They sense our vulnerability and want to take advantage in some way imo.
Wow. You “forgave” yourself. Powerful. At 60, I still haven’t done that for myself for so many things. Needed to hear that today. Thanks Anna ❤
I'm so full of joy that I know that God loves me and Jesus walks beside me I'm such a happy person I have such a great life I have food I have shelter I have my chihuahua I have beautiful things I'm not rich but I have beautiful things and I don't tolerate people that are low vibration I stay away from them
Yup but I gave tried to walk away but then I lost jobs, caught myself completely alone and isolated in life, Xmas, New Years... So for me it seems that either I let myself be a punching bag to have at least someone to get a coffee with or I continue alone, single, poor and vulnerable. I only attract psycopaths.
I have had my share of mean people. There will be a 'next time'. I'm getting ready. Learning. Thanks.
God this is so true. It’s also due to our conditioning by family members when we are children. I think in our 50s we are better able to look back and come to terms with our failures.
woah, I need this video. my friends have said to me before "jeez people are so mean to you, people never talk to me like that" and its not even just friends, it's coworkers and just random people around me. thank you for this validating video, I need the answers.
I feel like some people see an "easy target" in people like us because they think can get away with treating us like crap. And to some extent that might be true because we weren't really taught how to properly stand up for ourselves. Or if we did there were severe repercussions that just made it not worth the hassle. I still struggle with this myself but rather than try to be argumentative and fight back and I'm going to try simply walking away whenever I'm being disrespected.
@@thinlizzy9032great point.
Listening to you makes me feel better about my life, thanks
So glad!
Nika@TeamFairy
You express all this so well and with kindness. Thanks.
Most people don't want to be empathic or be there for each other
I have to say, it feels like children’s cartoons and sitcoms lie to us (growing up) about how human relationships actually work.