Fearful Avoidants and Small Talk Fatigue
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
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In this video I'll talk about fearful avoidants and 'small talk fatigue.'
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Thank you for watching!
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"Part of the side of you that might be drained by people is probably because you are taking on people's emotions and expectations and you are a little bit hypervigilent around people and that could naturally put you in a fight or flight mode...and that actually tires out your physiology faster." Woah!
The fact that we FA’s are here trying to learn everything we can about our dynamic proves that you’re 100% right lol
Hahahahaha love this
Yeah
Yup
This is so true.
I cannot believe how good this incredible woman is at her job. This is honestly very inspiring it is insane.
Wish she could train any of the 10 therapists I've seen in the past....I get more from these videos than ANY therapy I've been in.
So so so true!
She’s been so amazing
Ope you got me with the “likes to watch documentaries and reality tv shows to try and figure out how people work” 🙈
My Ask Thais question has become a video response. I feel so validated. I notice when I am serving customers I can feel the drain. I try my best to focus on the words or topics a customer brings up that interest me so I can take the topic that interests me and thread along. Small talk usually leads to dead ends but I have been earnestly trying to turn small talk into meaningful conversations about ideology, beliefs, and actions to take. I am likely a loud, enthusiastic ambivert that still needs time to rest and independently process my small talk conversations. I have to intentionally and compassionately attune to other people to navigate well through small talk!
I rarely ever find someone who wants to actually help you as thais
Thank you Thais💕 it’s soo relatable because I’m fairly an easy person to talk to and I always say” I can get anything out of ppl” but what I didn’t realize was that I put my need for connection aside, to serve others. In turn I would ask Q’s and listen intently to the other person not realizing that I never shared anything about me. Eventually my relationship(s) with those ppl became shallow because there wasn’t any emotional depth from me.
Omg 👀 this has been me for a very long time.... I always thought i was just different than people and that they weren't interesting to me so I must just be a loner meant to go live in the woods 👀😂 your comment makes me realize that the reason i didnt feel interested in talking to the person was bc i was starving myself of the topics i desired to explore 👀 and i was preventing the depth i deeply craved from forming by never sharing my depth 👀👀👀 I always left it up to the other person.....
Small talk just kills me. I always thought I was abnormal cos I could not indulge in regular conversations. Thanks for your delightful insights. This has freed me really ❤️
What kind of witchery is this😄 How are you in my head!
Side note, I've been doing the work in your school and it is 1000% changing me for the better and I can't thank you all enough! 💜💜💜 I love starting my mornings with these videos, thank you for making them daily. Could you do something about parenting/talking to your teen/young adult in regards to something they are doing that isn't best for them (dating the wrong person)? A million thanks as always PD Team💜
Ooo this is great. I do feel so much safer if conversations go deep.
Having sth so deeply ingrained in my subconscious pointed out and expressed so clearly in the span of 8 minutes is a miracle
Superficiality is almost painful!!! Yeeees
Intro ends at 1:45
That’s it! Small talk fatigue. I never knew I was not the only one with this problem. Whew, what a relief.
didn't realize this was a fa thing... wow. small talk is exhausting, and i hate it because nothing matters in small talk. to me, true connection involves meaningful conversations, and if that isn't being offered, then who cares? and if there's no true connection, they don't really care... so why should i care? the pressure to perform as socially perfect is also horrible, because i feel like if i don't act cool, then they really will NEVER care- because what do i have to offer them? i generally tend to think people aren't interested in what i'm interested in, or what i have to say, so i don't tend to try to change the course of the conversation. because often, it's met with disinterest, and that hurts even more. idk, this was my thought process while watching the video. i guess there is a lot of black and white thinking, but i feel like it helps keep me grounded and realistic. i find it really difficult to WANT to connect with people a lot of the time because of all these reasons.
I have the very same thoughts 👀 this is so spooky..... Our wounding really does design our life. We are all so incredibly similar in thought and action.... Id love if each of us here in the comments came back once we are securely attached and add a new comment, so we can see how we are when secure. I wonder of we would still share such similar patterns 🥰
Im blown away with every video you make about fearful avoidants. I relate so much with it. You are an amazing psychologist Thais❤️ thank you so much for all the knowledge!
This is so, so, so spot-on for me as an FA. I'm an ambivert, I abhor small talk, I'm obsessed with documentaries and gaining knowledge and analyzing human behavior, I take on and become exhausted by other people's emotions and expectations, etc., etc. Something I have noticed within myself about my hatred of small talk is that I feel resentful that it is taxing the few reserves I have left for myself after all of that attention-giving to others, and for what? To listen to someone ramble on about trivialities? My impatience with it seems to be worse than ever lately. I do try to maneuver the conversation into something more meaningful whenever possible, but that is exhausting in and of itself, and often the person will just start drifting off into trivialities shortly thereafter. Many times people will tell me that I am 'too intense' and 'always on', and I never once suspected that that was a byproduct of my hypervigilance born of insecure attachment, but now I'm realizing it might be. Thank you for offering these priceless insights...these videos are completely altering my understanding of myself and others.
Dude... These comments are making me feel so seen and connected 🥹 yall are sharing such spot on depictions of what runs thru my mind daily....so my bubbly feeling is exactly as she said... We need depth to feel comfy 😂 hahaha
It feels like such an irritating triviality to small talk.... Idk if i even want to get better at it 😂 i do..... But man in this stage of wounding it feels that being better at small talk seems to also be trivial 😂 but...... Thats how i can forge the deeper connections im craving... It must start somewhere
The part on preferring documentaries, reality TV etc just blew my mind! Even as a kid I always hated reading novels but loved non-fiction. And still nowadays I hate when my friends want to watch a movie with me, makes me feel unsafe and bored! Reality is much more safer, stimulating and interesting haha! I prefer watching movies on my own 🤔
This explains soo much 🤯
This makes so much sense! I find myself getting frustrated with people that obviously try to be "mysterious" or whatever and don't open up when I do, and so then I get disinterested in so much surface level small talk that I don't try to be friends with that person really.
YES! YES! YES! This is SO me!! I ♥️ understanding human behavior and now I know why. All about feeling safe. Also explains why I love to dive deep with people! Great video!
Thanks for your comment Melissa - PDS team member
OMG this is SO true! I only watch documentaries and read non-fiction. But the reason I refuse to talk about the weather and other non-interesting topics, is because that's all my family wants to talk about. Rather than the stuff we so obviously have to deal with, but no one has the backbone.
As an AA, I could NOT work out my relationship with my ex FA!
It became a very toxic relationship because I found that he was also a Covert Narcissist! Lack of empathy, incapable of loving me, and too much unhealed trauma on board, and he was treatment resistant! The Narc abuse hurt me tremendously and I am still trying to heal! Thank you for all that you teach and do Thais♥️
You are suchhhhh a life saver! Your channel has done alot for me..even if it's just to realize I'm not the only person feeling these things!
So true! Every personality quiz i take scores me in the middle between introvert and extrovert.
I saw the title and let out the biggest sigh of relief
Wooow. The way you understand me better than I understand myself 🤣.
This video has made me make alot of sense of out my mind lol. Thank you 🙏🏾
This is SUCH gratifying and useful information. I feel like I could take an entire month to dwell upon this. Thank you so much for giving me the tools to improve. (Again!)
Thanks for your support Kurt! - PDS team member
Ur brilliant!!! #Ihatesmalltalk. Thank u for the validation!!! 🥰
So happy you got a lot out of this video - PDS team member
Wow! This is very enlightening. I avoid small talk like the plague. am beginning to think that my personality type (INFP) is really a manifestation of my subconscious reactions to trauma. I really believe that as I heal a completely different personality will be revealed.
I'm FA and INFP too ❤️ I've been thinking the same thing...
God this was not just a “fun” video for you to make it was so important! To be offered that insight, has completely adjusted in a few seconds my understanding of myself in a significant way. I would always wonder why I wasn’t satisfied that people couldn’t go “deep “ like me ...and how when they did it would be like a soothing balm to me...so I grew to only want these kind of conversations especially with my partner who was an extreme DA who wanted the exact opposite haha ... who we attract to heal our wounds eh?
Same with my ex DA partner. It was felt almost like desperation and helplessness when this mismatch was occurring.
Suppose this is not the place to start a conversation but this was 100% true for me and I am shocked. One interesting thing about staying in reality (I never thought about it that way) - I rarely watch films and series (usually with someone as a group activity). I also rarely read fiction, which I know is taxing on my mind and vocabulary in a way, but I can't make myself do it. This definition, staying in reality, makes me question if I am in a constant high alert, in a way. As if - I cannot rest one bit and I must try to understand the world, lest it will consume me.
But also, recently I tried to watch the second season of a Netflix series I actually like, but of course because it was second season it was kind of all over the place and slightly boring. So apparently I got bored, which manifested in me getting extremely depressed after a random remark in the film. Note taken - never watch second seasons alone, ever.
Thais constantly reading me for exactly who I am
Maybe it's just my introvert nature but sometimes I just don't wanna talk at all. I'm doing my thing, minding my own business and a goodmornig or goodevening it's enough for me. Especially with neighbors in the elevetor.
Ps. Thank you thais your videos are very on point!
Wow! This is so incredibly accurate for me. I just figured it was because of my mbti type (ENTP) 😱 This channel gets more and more insightful as the days go on- keep up the fantastic work!
Thanks for your support and viewership Leah - PDS team member
AP here but this is so spot on for me. Great video as always, Thais! I wanted to ask, is given small talknfatigue, do you have any tips on how to make friends/start conversations with strangers that can make it deep or interesting without feeling like I am invading their privacy right away?
Hey, I really enjoy learning from you I would appreciate if you summarize your points at the end of your videos in a slow way for learners like me lol. I usually have to watch your videos a couple times to get the main points. Thank you for you powerful knowledge and God bless!
FA - tend to watch documentaries or reality tv.. what??!! How’d you know??
Wow. A lot of things are making sense right now.
Thank you Thais!! This explains so much!! Wow thanks a lot!!
Everytime you post a FA video I feel so related, except that I was the one who gave the FA a small talk and he went running again... big sigh
You just read my whole life!!!
OMG...I watch all your videos and I just want to say a big thankyou. ....I will be joining the school as soon as I am financially able but just to think that with just the youtube channel that not only have I understood myself and others profoundly, I am also kinder to myself and others. I feel so empowered.
I was just questioning whether I am introverted or extroverted or something!
🤯🤯🤯 man, this is mind blowing for me.
Thiiiiiiiiiiis 🙌🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 this has literally been plaguing my mind. Especially since I recently had a hang out with a close friend and a friend that I’m not that close to. And the friend that I’m not close to kept asking me very surface questions, just for the sake of conversation I can tell, and it made me so uncomfortable because I typically don’t like to engage in surface conversation 😖so I felt so awkward and I felt like they felt awkward too because my responses were so awkward and forced 😫. I’ll try that technique though that you mentioned which is trying to change the subject I guess. I hope I can do that though without obviously zoning out lolol
Oh god.... this is so me... sheesh.. please post more.. I love this series on FA
I didn’t even know this about me...wow!
Exactly... she must have seen my documentary...😀
Lordy. I have all of these traits. Cant STAND small talk. I do always refuse to be hijacked though. But I noticed this about myself in childhood. I’m a documentary obsessionado too. But I’m pretty sure I’m not FA. 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼
Damn, you’re good!!! Wow! You read me like a book & played me like a fiddle.😂
Thais, how do you know all of these things? Just, wow! I absolutely abhor small talk. I'm an ambivert and INFP. I value connection & can be attached, but also can be vulnerable if I feel someone is opening up!
Thank you so much.
This is amazing. So insightful and helpful. Thank you Thais.
Thais, can someone do the work and become securely attached in 2 weeks?! Sign me up! I am finding your courses, webinars to be amazing, and such hard work! Thank you!♥️
Another thing explained thank you
Great video Thais! Tyvm.
This I soooo relatable!
🤯🤯🤯this is on point! Micromanaging of relationships is me
The fearful avoidant in my life needs to get away from small talk with me. I'm starving for deep conversation instead
The best date night. Omg that's me. Haha.
Great video, however my problem with your tip on changing the conversation is that so many people are what I call Jibber jabbers. They go on and on and on and on and literally do not let me get a word in edgewise. There is no opportunity to change the conversation. When I do finally get some words out I have to spit them out so fast before they take over the floor again. It's a battle of energy and I do not have the social energy of an extrovert. They will always win. I just have to remove myself after a while.
I can definitely relate to this as well and would love a video on how to handle this situation when you can't remove yourself. For example you are in a car on a road trip. I have a grandma that loves to talk. When I was younger and visiting we went on a road trip. She went on and on with stories. It was essentially a one way conversation. I felt so trapped I would fall asleep as my escape mechanism! It is hard for me to speak up and what would be the appropriate response in this situation without hurting the other person's feelings?
@@mindfulmeaningfulmoments247 I once had an asst manager at my job who I got along with, but she did go on and on and on. I would often have a good joke or otherwise great response that I felt would enhance the conversation but it was so frustrating trying to find a spot to throw it in, and often when I did she would just talk over it anyway. SOMETIMES even then go on to repeat my joke, THEN everyone laughs at it. GRRRR!
One day when it was just the two of us talking... She wouldn't let me get a word in and finally I said, "You know, I really love our conversations, but I do sometimes wish that you would give me a chance to speak more. I usually don't feel like I get a chance to say my side of things because you don't pause enough to give me a chance." I made every effort not to be insulting. She got angry and wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day. Finally I had to apologise and eventually it went back to the way it was.
IDK what to do besides just putting on fake energy and interrupting them as much as they do. I have been experimenting with my neighbour. He goes on and on. One day when I was kind of in a hurry and got pulled into conversation with him and I could tell that he was about to start a tangent... I just starting talking over him on a slightly related topic that I could wrap up quickly. For a few moments we were both spitting out separate monologues over each other until finally he stopped. I WON! for once! I wrapped it up and said I really got to get going now see ya later!
I have done similar experiments lately, and I find that they tend to prefer to just be interrupted than confronted to try to find a more even ground for the conversation. I dont like it, but that seems to be the natural way a lot of people like to communicate.
@@aprilthomas1489 Thanks for sharing! That's awesome that you spoke up to your manager. Your approach seemed appropriate to me. It's unfortunate she got upset. I don't think you owed her an apology. I don't think you did anything wrong but realize it restored the relationship. Hopefully your words will sink in and she will take this into consideration. It may take time since most people don't change overnight.
It does seem like interrupting is the only one to get a word in. I realize interrupting can be rude but one sided conversations that go on and on can be rude too! Definitely about finding a healthy balance and that approach is more familiar than someone directly communicating the issue.
I am meeting with a friend tomorrow who loves to go on and on. I told her I really need to work on my communication skills so if she is up for listening I would like to share with her what has been on my mind lately. I'm really curious to see how it goes. Now that I have the tools for effective communication (thanks to PDS!) I feel a responsibility to use them. I am hoping I can set a healthy boundary so that I am able to express myself without feeling like I have to rush for fear of her cutting me off and taking over the conversation!
@@mindfulmeaningfulmoments247 I wish you the best of luck with your conversation with your friend.
@@aprilthomas1489 Thank you!!
Omg so on point😮
Absolutely true
Hey Thais, thanks for your videos especially this one. It’s soooo accurate. I have a question maybe you can do a follow up video to answer 😊. My question is this: I want to become secure for sure, but there are certain things about myself as a Fearful avoidant that I love and would prefer to keep. Example: the deep love capacity, the “healthy” hyper vigilance, the need for deep connection. Will I lose these things as I become secure? Or will they remain and be complemented with secure traits?
Thais do you offer in person counselling?
This is sooo me
Do you have a work book?
there are workbooks with many exercises at the end of every Personal development school course. Check out the course list - university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/collections
-PDS team member
Whoa