Greg Davies Stand-up | Ridiculous Inspirational Quotes | Netflix
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2019
- Watch Greg Davies talk about his time as a teacher and share some hilarious and insane quotes in his live stand up special, You Magnificent Beast.
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Thanks to Gregg I can now no longer say vegetables normally and now can only imagine flys shouting whenever they fly
Same
Just do it the proper Austrian way and pretend it's a specific kind of table - a wedgie table.
You mean Wedgetaboles!
😂
Greg just brought me out of my recent darkness. So many laughs today, the shouting fly, yes!!!! 🤣
When my brother was 15 he asked me if dogs have skin.
Oh man that’s effing brilliant.
I hope you told him no, kids deserve the truth
@but why yes they do, its underneath all the hair.
Bianca Bloom Oh Bianca I have just wiped so many tears from my eyes from laughter, too funny! Thank you 😊
I'm in tears @Bianca Bloom. 🤣
A friend of mine asked why it gets colder at night. She’s 30
So did you tell her?
@@abigailbramble6774 Feet tall, she plays lots of basketball.
Why what gets colder
I hope you told her that, at night it’s bedtime for the invisible fairies that heat up the air.
@@abigailbramble6774 30 months old.
I used to feed my little brother misinformation like this all the time. I guarantee you all those quotes are from younger siblings
Definitely! My older brother convinced me that innocent and guilty meant their opposite, so whenever I was accused of something I'd shout "I'm guilty!!"
I get that. Until I was about 9 my sister convinced me my index finger was the middle one so when I wantes to swear I used to stick my index finger up to flip the bird
I do it with both fingers now 😂
They never learn to stop trusting you, either. I convinced my 27 year old little sister she needed to buy some magnetic boots for her trip to Australia she's planning. Like three hours later she texted me that they didn't have any on Amazon.
I once convinced my younger brother that chocolate was the strongest substance in the universe it just had a really low melting point. And that if they could keep it cool enough it would be stronger than steel. He believed this for several years. 🤣
@@jayt8124 😂
Greg Davies would definitely have been my favorite teacher, had I had him as one... Just his posture and facial expressions kill me!
Team RRC2 well he was a drama teacher... so there is that....
I honestly think he's been a great teacher. You can tell that his heart is in the right place.
Still nothing can beat his 'mother's boxers story' that he told on Graham. I went bonkers after hearing it.
"YEAH, I'M A FLY!!!!" 😂😂😂
Ohhh he was a drama teacher....I thought he was an actual teacher 😂
My big brother told me "brothel" meant bakery in French
"Au bon pan" indeed!
He should have told you that a brothel is a little brother and a brotheb is a big brother, so that you'd go around telling people that you were a brothel.
Thanks for that Phil
😂
lmao
excuse me mackenzie what did you say
I love that we don't need context 👍
perfect
A 26 year old psychiatric nurse asked me while we were both doing the nightshift and watching world at war on the history channel " who won the war "?
"Wind is caused by trees waving back and forth."
lol the science teacher believes in lamarckian evolution
For Dar-WIN
Hahaha
Habz Brah oh fr? i thought lamarck was just straight up wrong :D
Habz Brah tbh i’m probably not gonna do that, but that’s really interesting! thank you
Have a gold 🌟
"Laffing our bollocks off!" - BRILLIANT quote!
This wont quite count, but when I was a kid, like most kids, I had to take Flintstone's vitamins. I didn't mind them. Far as I was concerned it was just chewing on slightly bitter but still sweet and fruity bits of candy, one a day. But I was a very inquisitive kid, though not impetuous or foolhardy, and one day I asked my mom:
"What would happen if someone had more than one Flintstone's vitamin a day?"
Now, my mother must have presumed that my asking this question was a prelude to my trying to eat a bunch of chewables right then and there. And rather than walk me through the process of what might actually happen to a kid if they ate a bunch of Flinstone's vitamins all at once, she decided to cut the entire f*cking conversation short.
"They would die."
That was her answer to me, a child with a single digit age, who was just asking a question.
And I BELIEVED HER. For years I spent my time being worried that I wouldn't remember or my mom wouldn't remember whether or not I'd already had a vitamin that day, because the alternative WAS F*CKING DYING.
But that laugh at 2:44 XD
stypayhorlikson 3000 brilliant
Now that's attention paying lol...
Sounds like a feking crow
Oh, I loved this immensely. Thank you!
I went with some friends to see "Titanic" and they were upset that the boat sank-- not realizing it actually happened. When I informed them it was real, they asked if there were a real Jack and Rose.
The word bollocks is so funny when Greg says it 😂☺️
Barry Sturges that’s bollocks
it's the dog's bollocks
"That dress is the dog's bollocks, your Majesty."
Truly a magnificent beast 💙
An ex friend of mine asked why the outside of the kettle gets hot when you boil water in it.
My grandpa once said 'hemorrhoids' instead of hybrid at family dinner.
I will never view flies the same... anyone else wickedly attracted to Greg?
Not weirdly. Just fully and properly.
Hridya Ravimohan he didn’t say weirdly
Ada Le Right. My reply makes zero sense now. Lol
Point is - Greg is still a snacc ❤️
Who isn’t?
I never say this about celebrities but I am genuinely sad he doesn't have children
Just saw him in WILTY. Gotta say... I love him with the beard.
Just think a 6'9 dude like Greg running at you like that 3:31
I just realised I've never thought about why flies buzz
Nadia Franklin maybe because it’s obvious and makes sense that it’s their wings like other flying bugs?
I asked my sister to finish the saying
I said
"red sky at night"
To which she responded
"Turkish delight"
I've heard others say that but it was to throw others off, not as a genuine answer.
As teens we used to hang out on some muddy wasteground. After a night of heavy rain we were deciding if it was too wet to go on when a mate said "Well, at least the mud will be clean." They weren't joking.
@@lwaves Turkish delight fits almost too well tbf, and God forbid you go walking through unclean mud
@@lwaves Surely they use only the _cleanest_ type of mud for mud masks.. :oP
"red sky in the morning"
"Turkish delight"
(I like how your sister thinks)
Greg Davis is properly hilarious!!
My birthday lands on mothers day ...an my recent mrs said "does your birthday always land on mothers day then?" I may have to leave her just for that 😂
Love Greg Davies he's hilarious.
I love Greg so much 😘
The male chicken bit made me laugh out embarrassingly loud!
Think I've watched this a million times at this point
I used to think capers were little sea-creatures, Spain was in South America and that everyone, not just males, had a prostate.
And yep, I'm a teacher.
Marco?
There are so many teachers out there like Greg used to be, many simply don't give a shit, it's just a job! People need to realise that
I cracked a few ribs laughing at the fly bit! 😂🤣💀
It’s stories like these that make me feel really good about myself
YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH !! I'M FLYIIIIIIING !! 😆
I love Greg 😂
flies are just tiny flying pugs with breathing problems
"pugs with breathing problems" is a tautology isn't it?
Thanks phil
AAAAAAAHHHHHH IM A FLYYYYY
I once had a boss who genuinely thought that Africa was an island in the Caribbean.
Literally a few weeks ago I heard my brother whose in his 20 and has an iq of about 130... say he thought goats and sheep were the same thing
Not that out there
Zed-Ex Gaming you've obviously never seen either one. They are completely different.
Sheep are as dumb as bread and therefore don't give a shit about anything.
Goats are relatively smart and active
@@MisterK9739 no i live in the countryside and see them fairly regularly, i can definitely see large similarities between the both of them
A fat goat and a skinny sheep look a little similar 🤣
Wisdom isn't intelligence
“Thick as pig shit” is such a beautifully Greg Davies phrase.
Up until I was in the 4th grade I thought people conceived just by sleeping in the same bed
Because on the TV also they would say "slept together"
My sister lost her shit when I told her
You'd been doing incest wrong?
It’s not available on Netflix in Sweden. :( I love this guy!
He's good!
I have a Lamarck-inspired joke that Dutch people have such long legs because their bicycles are so high. I expect to hear it at some point.
I heard a doctor asking his friend when a TV program on moon landing was on - if their rocket goes around moon, how do they decide it is top or bottom of moon?
Netflix, please release in Australia 🇦🇺 the world needs to know Greg Davies!
I think it is on Netflix now
It’s funny how much credit teachers get regardless if they are good or not
Or the reverse
You've got to love the G man
Omg I can never look at a fly the same way again hahaha
Crying 🤣
Greg Davies is the nation's weird uncle
Greg... I have theeeeeeeee biggest crush on you. Like my god❤️❤️❤️❤️ u r just perfect
I used to work with someone who thought "battery farmed eggs" came from sort of robotic chickens that took batteries. She asked why it was an animal welfare issue 😂
Wolves Wolves 😆😅 OMG Im dying, that’s amazing🤣😂
When i met the girl who was later to be my wife, i found out she thought the moon was the sun at night! pmsl!
Funny man
That part about the fly was very Lee Evans, I wonder if that was intentional or not?
Any WILTY fans in here?
We are EVERYWHERE
WWWWWEGETABLES!
CUSCHON!
MILKY COW!!!
Oh yes...... Milky cow
What special is this from I want to watch the whole set
Netflix - You Magnificent Beast
@@EarthwormEdSurf thank you thought I'd watched that but turns out he names all his specials the same thing
Merry christmas! Here's your traditional MASSIVE male chicken!
2:54 THAT'S HALF TRUE ACTUALLY..... .I REMEMBER IN MY GYMNASIUM THE KIDS WHO STARTED PLAYING BASKETBALL WERE THE SAME HEIGHT WITH EVERYONE, AND BY THE END OF THE 6 YEARS PERIOD THEY WERE TALLER BY ANYONE IN THE SCHOOL... HALF A HEAD AT LEAST, AND SOME PROBABLY HAD THE GENES AND WERE 1 HEAD TALLER. BASICALLY WORKING OUT, JUMPING ETC.... GROWS YOU MORE.
He's gorgeous.
No. YOU are!
I’ve had chickens and literally any visiting tradesman refereed to them as male . Stuff like “what’s his name ?” “He’s trying to get in the house” “how often does he lay eggs”? 🙄
Sexism :D
That last one cracked me up! 😆
This is a very accurate video. Teachers arent usually smart, my Mums a teacher..... yeah
I mean how could he have thought he was good given “space mission”
My sister was a teacher and she taught her kids about Nagasaki but pronounced it ‘knee-jack-ski
Yikes.
How the fuck. How did she get knee jack saki
This is the funniest he has been
We all have a brain fart 💨 sometimes 😂
Hes one of the funniest people
My mother once asked where the batteries were on a windmill. I thought she meant for storing the energy, and told her that most of them don't have batteries. "Then how do they make them move when there's no wind?," she asked.
mr gilbert
Stretching basketballplayers is what Lamarckian Evolutionary Theory was all about. It wasn''t a bad idea, it just turned out not to be the main mechanism for biology. But it works wonders when included in evolutionary problem solving algorithms and other machine learning techniques and Lamarck cannot be blamed for mother nature missing the boat on that one.
Misleading title but funny!
I was this old when I found out that the buzzing noise a fly/bee/wasp makes is actually it breathing not it’s wings. Just came straight from a QI video to advise of this revelation. Not it’s mouth I’ll grant you but it looks like Greg will have to again reassess his opinion of his CEO friend.
I hope you are joking - otherwise I would suggest going to a furniture store and taking a good, long, hard look at yourself in a mirror
Rachel, from Slough? Poor sod.
He used to teach in Slough, so she may have been a work colleague.
A had a drama teacher for a day. She said,, you're a successful actor waking up start your day. I flipped onto my stomach n started pumping the floor, a said am an actor would a not have a model for a wife. Suspended that day n made to apologise to her.
I was quite sure that sports such as basketball, volleyball - ones in which a lot of vertical movement like jumping and stretching occurs - releases certain types of hormones which do indeed encourage growth. When you simply put it as basketball stretches your body, it does sound ridiculous. But you can be sure most professional basketball players picked the sport from around at the age of 5, so having these jumping and stretching movements from so early on would have definitely impacted their heights. Genetics of course come into it, but I doubt they'd all be quite as tall if they didn't play basketball for an early age.
Lol, most tall people don't play those sports. Glad to help.
Is this new?
The basketball thing isn’t entirely wrong. You can increase your height if you spend a lot of time stretching your body upwards.
The noise a fly makes is the sound of its breathing,true not through its mouth as this is not how a fly breathes.a fly breathes through little holes called spiracles and they make the buzzing noise,not the wings as most people assume.but it makes Greg seem a little foolish for having this as part of his show without researching it first......funny though.
Inbetweeners
From time to time, I deliberately tell kids the wrong, most ridiculous things to see if they're paying attention or are smart enough to think and then question what I've just said - I don't accept cynicism, they have to be able to logically challenge the error. It's becoming more difficult because a) a lot of kids - and I mean 15/16 year olds - genuinely have no clue how the world works; b) to cover the first point, they don't believe _anything_ an adult tells them; c) they can't be arsed with learning anything at all because they're all weed-heads by 14.
I hear you. I taught some 17 year olds last year and it was truly frightening what they didn't know. Really opened my eyes.
Lamarckism is no joke
vejatubles
How does Michael McIntyre not have a Netflix special when all these people Greg Davies, and Aisling Bea and James Acaster have one?
Mubashir A. Because he’s not as funny?
@@theorooney1319 I would argue he's better. To each his own I think.
Mubashir A. Potentially better than Aisling Bea but nowhere near Greg or James
@@theorooney1319 You have to be joking. Greg's comedy is all aloud stories from his teaching days. I don't find him half as funny as Michael.
James on the other hand has clever material, so that is something, but that is not for hyterical laughs that Michael causes.
Your lifestyle actually does affect how tall you can be.
PinkishFloyd on a mimimal scale. It's mostly genetics.
Unless a surgery falls under the category of "lifestyle", then yeah that can defo affect your height
@@MisterK9739 nah, not surgery. Environmental factors. For example, lifting early on stunts your growth. But yes, genetics play a huge role.
@@investigate3_11 You have literally just spouted the kind of baseless nonsense that'd get you into an hour long argument with Greg in a pub. There is no proven science to show it's even remotely a factor. The only reason anyone suggests not lifting overly heavy weights early on is the risk of injury.
@@carpetfluff35 keep your wig on. Lifting is only one of the factors. There's documented evidence that diet affects your height too. So no, not completely baseless.
@@MisterK9739 What about wearing heavy clothes or hat that with you down? 😆
I’m 6’8”, and it’s *definitely* because I played basketball. I stretched myself 4 whole inches in one year! 🤣
You probably should have tried minigolf.
@@junojay4563 Underrated comment of the year
I'm small because I'm stingy and fly economy.
Oh Greg, will you marry me?
get in line, Melissa
;-)
Drama? really? i always assumed he was a maths or english teacher.
He taught drama and English
But basketball players are tall because they play basketball.
0 duslikes
Haha
Because people know Greg would just beat them up
The sound a fly makes comes from its breathing . And Theodore it's mouth....... Sorry but it's not it's wings
Flies dont have lungs to breathe out its mouth.
Go back to school.
@@underkitten they don't techinically have a 'mouth' that they breathe through but the noise they make is them breathing. Research it before you correct people :)
@@syriix5694 theres a difference between diffusion and breathing.
@@syriix5694 and the whole argument and joke was about them running screaming (ie out mouth, so my point is valid the noise doesnt come out their mouth).
@@underkitten No, you're right - breathing implies that they have/use lungs. I was trying to refer how they respire using their spiracles which does actually produce a noise. My bad.
My sister thought street lighting was free. Is that funny or just stupid?
P Robinson More like naiively idealistic.
Well I suppose it is free to her if she doesn't pay taxes.
@@caro1ns That's good 😀
Tbf the guy was right about flies, look it up, it's not thier wings that make the noise
Yes it is.
To paraphrase President Bartlett, you are wrong. So just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.
I think you need have had a couple of pints to be laugh at this...and not see the punch line coming 20 seconds beforehand
is he on coke?