They would have to teach it correctly of course. They teach it to new parents which is really great, but they really don't teach it well as they do in PDS.
DA here, this doesn’t happen often, but when it does it hits hard! I never thought about my relationship with limerence but for me it’s completely related to suppression and secret idolization/infatuation.
so nice to finally hear that limerence is in part about developing an infatuation around someone who embodies qualities in ourselves which we've represse
your perspective on the real-life effects of mental disorders/personality disorders is SO appreciated. your explanation of the family conditions that may create these disorders has been so useful for me to help map out the situations that have influenced my behavior. i can tell that you enjoy expanding on your teachings in school by noticing what is actually happening in your clients' lives.
What happens when a DA connects romantically with the object of their limerence? I was seeing a very guy who confessed he had crushed on me and fantasized me since we knew each other. It was a total shock to me because he never said anything, made any moves on me, reached out to me much etc. When we finally started seeing each other romantically it was a disaster. He deactivated hard and it caused a ton of pain and confusion.
I'm still learning but limmerence really describes the intense feelings that I have called crushes/put name to extreme feelings/ thought was associated with "love", or being "in love". But for the past little while and from talking with friends who havent experienced as "intense" feelings, I started to wonder if the euphoria/preoccupation was indeed a sort of insecure/trauma response for feeling so unlovable and really craving what I feel I lack in other people. It's really frustrating because at the time it feels both amazing and horrible and causes me to feel really emotionally messy. It's... really freeing but also... now I have no idea what I'm actually supposed to feel. :')
Thanks for this video, Thais. I never thought a DA could experience limerence but I suppose one can't really tell because they suppress it so much. It does explain though why several DAs I've known in my life had what I thought was such a strange obsession with celebs and/or anime characters, when I was right there giving them the attention I thought they needed yet ignored or did not appreciate the attention.
AA here and I find that it only has happened with this one person in my life and i know why now. Their is a special trait in this person that I have always wanted in myself and I highly find it attractive.
Wow!! Thais are you a mind reader. You described this so accurately. When I was young I used to have Limerence for actors or celebrities a lot (who had traits of my repressed self) and thought maybe there is something wrong with me but I never fully understood the reason until now.
Thank you so much for this video! I'm the targeted audience, I'm part DA and part FA and struggled with limerence for years! It's really been such an awful and dark thing. I confused it with having a crush or love or something and couldn't understand why anyone would want any romantic feelings for anyone at all, because all it ever did was make me miserable.
Thank you Thais this is really interesting. I've been watching a lot of your videos and finding it really educational to be able to navigate what is going on between myself and a guy I started seeing the last year and a half even though our relationship has been very roller coaster style, I've learnt a lot about myself and also about attachment theory as a result, due to the fact that he has DA tendencies which have brought out AP tendencies in me, I never knew I had before. When we first met, he told me that he had fantasies about me, which I found peculiar, even though he never told me what they were. However in the beginning of the romantic stage, when I accepted his advances, he started being very romantic, creating a romantic mythological mediaeval style narrative around how he interacted with me. As soon as we actually got into the relationship however, he then became withdrawn and his DA side immediately kicked in, even though he continually wanted me to be there with him, as a companion, from a safe distance, he started to become withdrawn and insecure around physical connection and contact, and even when we were together in bed sometimes he would disassociate, which I found difficult leading to me rejecting him ultimately. In the beginning he was asking me a lot about different actors or musicians whether I liked them or not, which I just wasn't really interested in, but then as I learnt about limerence, I realised that he was identifying himself in a fantasy world involving these different actors and actresses. As he began to disassociate from connecting to me authentically more and more, I found that he became more limerent in relation to other women as part of his dismissive side as well. That also included talking to a woman from LA he'd never met who used to dress up a lot in burlesque costumes she used to post online all the time. He also still advertised his ex from thirty years ago dressed up in costume. I tried to discuss this with him, but it just caused conflict because he was so defensive. He also told me how he was unable to throw away a broken CD that was thirty years old just because he said he had a crush on the singer.. Why? Then at the same time, whenever we had separated, including now.. I found myself subconsciously hyper-limerent about him, wanting to re-connect to him but not knowing how and dreaming about him frequently. Whenever I tried to re-connect with him in real life, he would then accuse me of limerence towards him, even though I explained to him that I existed in real life in the here and now, and that he actually told me he wanted a committed relationship with me in the beginning and because we'd been together I felt bonded to him even though I knew our relationship was disfunctional, I just felt that I needed to make things work somehow. I have had some concern about whether or not it's a trauma bond though, and whether or not he has narcissistic tendencies, or is just a DA. At the same time, he's been concerned whether or not I'm behaving obsessively towards him as well when we are separated and has pushed me away when I've been too pushy around him. So inevitably working out how to navigate what's going on between us is a good idea. I think from a subconscious point of view, my mind wants to connect to the part of him that connected with me originally, that is suppressed in me. He is in a band, so he expresses his fantasy version of himself by dressing up in costume for his gigs, and I have a suppressed part of me that wants to be in a band and play music which I've done since a child, but suppressed, feeling like I was not good enough due to one bad experience when I was 16. Originally he told me he wanted me to be in a band with him but it never happened, and instead he just created not one but four different bands with other people and banned me from going to any of his gigs, filling up his life with work and more work and then more and more band practices and guitar lessons, with zero time available for me, dismissive avoidant style... I've started going off doing things on my own more now, I did karoake busking in town with someone else the other day, which was good fun. I'm thinking maybe I should just get out more and do more singing myself alone just to detach myself from the DA guy I guess, and let him do whatever he does, fantasising about whatever other unavailable random woman he's chosen to latch onto now in his imagination instead.
FA here, I believe my DA had/has limerence with me, I also with him but it's less noticeable or felt because I actually noticed what were those traits of him that made me drawn towards him and I've worked on developing these traits in myself - I.e he is punctual, he is very straightforward and blunt, he doesn't care what others think, he is focused on his own life etc, these kinds of things I have worked on myself more now and I really love the dynamic we are having with him right now even though we are basically just mutual crushes atm, haha.
Please talk about DAs and how they use an idealized ex girlfriend to make the other ones seem like they are never good enough. When it is all an idealization.
Hey Thais, I'm a dismissive avoidant person and I'M really trying to understand why do I translate every action or most actions to "oh, so he don't love me" ,"oh, so he may like me" like I don't understand why I feel "unloved' when people do certain thing
Probably problems with trust. Like you don't want to get your hopes up and put trust into the fact that something could definitely happen because you fear rejection. Also a DA here, and I've been giving myself cognitive therapy to fix it. It's so difficult since I'm not a professional (yet), but it's doable
Hey, Wahiba. Could you mention specific things that made you feel those exact emotions ? I'm trying to understand DA's better so I can show up better for them.
@@wahibacena5090 oh no I replied late to a DA asking me to meet up. I responded the next day because I had to do some research before giving an answer. Then the DA ignored my message and never responded back to my ideas of what to do. Did they interpret the delay as disinterest?
So interesting! I'm FA and I actually lean AP (in the context of relationships or limerance). But I don't get limerance that often! Rarely ever. I've had it for someone unattainable (a professor, haha) and someone who I thought I could be with at the time, but I knew I would be leaving the west coast in a few months, so it didn't really have a future. So I think this is a way that I identify more with the dismissive avoidant. I find it so interesting how I can see myself in multiple attachment styles.
Yes, I have experienced this with unavailable men ( married) strong infatuation, happened on quite a lot of occasions. I have had relationship with a man who was married, we lived together for 5 years until he passed away.. love of my life.
Because of what you said about the safety of para-relationships, I would think that would include pornography as well. Understanding dismissive avoidance and attachment styles in general, helps one understand the reason for various addictions. It would seem that an anxiously attached person would be more likely to be addicted to alcohol while a dismissive avoidant would be desiring a para relationship.
Yes a dismissive will rather watch porn than actually get intimacy. 100% they pretend to be someone else in the beginning, for the sole reason of getting what they want.
My DA is addicted to TV.and is in a para-relationship with me....,obviously..lol😄 I let him be... I do see progress. ..he is opening up and reaching out more 🙏
Hi Thais 🥰I stumbled across your videos a few weeks ago & have found them to be some of the most helpful psyche videos on YT. I am incredibly grateful for all of the wisdom you have shared. I intend to join the Personal Development School. I am wondering if you'd be interested in creating a video talking about your journey to becoming a psychotherapist/the educational paths you took? Also, any people/books/research/etc that has inspired you throughout this journey? I read the blurb on your website about your history but would love to hear more about your process. Watching your videos has helped me affirm that I definitely want to study psychology & begin the journey to becoming a psychotherapist/mental health counselor. It's a long journey with a variety of options/focus areas & I'm still learning about the different routes that can be taken/which we resonate the most with me. I'd love to hear your perspective. Thanks again for creating this community 💖🦋🌿
@@tigerlily6298 yup but the object of their hate is not truly the other person but their own feelings surrounding the other person. So they'll act cold or abrasive but they're not actually responding to anything you did but rather to the fact they hate feeling their own feelings when they do not want to feel them. It's best just to move on if a person is in that much self denial or turmoil. Life is short.
@@1x93cm I’m So glad you said this. I have wondered for a long time that his feelings make him act this way. I sent him a quote saying “you hate the way I make you feel because you’ don’t want to feel anything” of course he didn’t reply but I felt that was accurate just the feeling I had.
Thank you for posting this information in such a concise manner. It helps me digest the material without feeling like the bad guy. I have only recently realized that I have an insecure attachment style. After taking your quiz, I answered nearly half and half dismissive and fearful avoidant. I know that you have said in previous videos that it is a spectrum, but are the healing styles similar? If not, is there a way to know what I should be focusing on?
How can you tell the difference between someone very dismissive avoidant and someone with antisocial personality disorder (sociopath) both lack empathy.
A sociopath manipulates people, a dismissive avoidant doesn't. A DA is self reliant. A sociopath uses people to get what they want, they like inflict pain and they have no fear. There are no overlaps. You will find a grandiose narcissist has more DA personality traits as they see themselves better than others.
Hi, I went to the site. If I could get an 'about us' help. I am 100% into this as it is so helpful, saving me mentally, but as I share with family towards big life decisions, I want them to know this is all help from a credible source.
yes please do anxious attachment style in limerence ! Question how do u get the DA to open up about their needs or how they are feeling w/o scaring them away ?
Hi. Coming from a DA, don't ask them about their feelings. At least, not directly or right away. Ask about their thoughts. Then listen. Really listen. Ask them to clarify. Make sure you understand whatever they tell you. Ask for opinions first then gradually work your way to feelings once they seem comfortable. This is only a start. Hope this helps. 🙂
@@philishaedwin9992 wow thank you for the advice!! I have definitely pushed some people away by trying to get them to open up about their feelings. I think its pretty common unfortunately... It makes a lot of sense that discussing thoughts feels less threatening to a DA. I will keep this in mind when interacting with friends or romantic partners in the future!
I am a DA with a limerence that just causes an imbalance when i am in contact with the object which happens to be a covert narcissistic. We were in a deep relationship, the sex was amazing but the universe seemed to try and separate us on a monthly basis and eventually it finally did not on bad terms by any means but very abruptly.Being a sigma male leaves me in a tough spot because I know exactly what I want from the woman I love and she checks all the boxes except for being a narcissist. Do you have any videos on relationship dynamics between a narcissist and a DA with with love addiction? Thanks.
If she is a full blown covert narc, there is no real relationship at all. It is fake! I just broke up with a covert narc with sociopathy. Everything he ever said was a lie including telling me he loved me to sleep with me. They are monsters.
It’s funny you mention this… I am an FA in limerence and throughout the last year dealing with a DA, I thought they were the narcissist. After watching this it makes a lot more sense that they were actually just limerent as well. Me thinking they were a narcissist was my own avoidant subconscious thoughts telling me not to trust this person… but really they were just so limerent they didn’t know how to cope. The difference? Pretty sure I would’ve been hoovered multiple times over this last year by now… but instead he’s so terrified to even talk to me.
@@nightmareappliance In the exact same situation. I'm still not sure, but to protect my own ego, I'm choosing to believe he is a narc, as he started dating his old friend who came around often while we were together.
My husband (DA) and I are separated and he is in a limerent affair with an anxious preoccupied person. She is now living with him and left her younger children to do so. Should I have hope that he will end that relationship? She has violated his trust and boundaries and controls him such that she gets enraged if he spends time with me. His health is getting worse and worse and I just want him to be okay regardless what happens with us (he says we won’t divorce but he’ll continue to live with her…at least for now).
They avoid intimacy ! If you are always in your head THINKING OF HOW IT WOULD BE with that person it is totally different if they are suddenly there and touching/ licking you😅 also they think tooooo fucking much about EVERYTHING. What could go wrong? I'm ugly. Now they're touching my fat. What are they thinking? Do they want it? Is this good? Am I doing it right??? Gosh. What do I do? That doesn't feel good but I better not say anything do not to destroy this interaction. How about pregnancy? I'm not ready to be a father. I suck at this. If I take her from behind it's less intimacy and she can't see my eyes. Good that's better. 🙈🤪😐
Could you explain more about healing AA. Can you do it yourself? Because I watched all of your videos, and I have all the traits, and I feel really bad about myself, because i lost my gf bcs of it. I know its best to seek therapy, but i'm just afraid that the therapist might not know that much about it, and just take the money, so I would waste time and energy.. Because when I google about attachment in my language barely anything comes out..
AA here working on Secure... go to her website she has the work to do on yourself through her website. You cant expect to fix yourself in a video. You have to do self inner work that takes time . let me know how you do because i am currently in counseling through my insurance and I am always wanting more resources as well, university.personaldevelopmen...
@@OnFeature anxiously attache can tend to like avoidants at the outset..so understand that anxious avoidant dynamic..you will neef to become content in your own company and change your focus awsy from others and onto you. Have compassion for yourself when you feel particularly down. Anxious attachment has a huge capacity for self growth.
@@79paddysirl17 ik. And my gf was kinda avoidant. I can't figure her out, because she did like me, she allways argued with me if we didnt see eachother, but for the past few months she was acting more distant, less texts, shorter reply, not so happy to see me, kinda avoiding me more, hiding her phone. And she never had friends, now she had this urge to go out, ans ofcourse I got jealous, there were also some guy friends.. And i had some reasons to be jealous... And i started to be needy and wanted to change her as she was before and she left. Idk if she had someone else, point is she lost feelings for me otherwise she wouldnt leave me. Point is that i care too much, I get attached too much, i want to be more indifferent, care less, be more rude sometimes to others.. I allways want to help everyone even if I dont want to ill say yes. Specially to people that I dont even know. And be more confident in myself. I allways push myself down, ill not be able to do this, i'm bad at that, I'm ugly, where will i find someone else, yeh right like someone will like me.. Even if someone says that i am sexy, ill think "ok they lie". I go on therapy in monday, will see how it goes, I hope they know something about this so that i wont waste my money
Could you please talk a bit more slowly ? I watch you from France and love your videos...it’s just a little too fast for me! I hope it doesn’t bother you 🙏 thanks for all these woderful informations .
Imagine how many people would grow up to be healthy adults if attachment styles were taught in schools. Thank you so much for these videos 💜
They would have to teach it correctly of course. They teach it to new parents which is really great, but they really don't teach it well as they do in PDS.
It's useless to teach them, if the next generation doesn't work on themselves and change their styles to secure ones
DA here, this doesn’t happen often, but when it does it hits hard! I never thought about my relationship with limerence but for me it’s completely related to suppression and secret idolization/infatuation.
so nice to finally hear that limerence is in part about developing an infatuation around someone who embodies qualities in ourselves which we've represse
your perspective on the real-life effects of mental disorders/personality disorders is SO appreciated. your explanation of the family conditions that may create these disorders has been so useful for me to help map out the situations that have influenced my behavior. i can tell that you enjoy expanding on your teachings in school by noticing what is actually happening in your clients' lives.
What happens when a DA connects romantically with the object of their limerence? I was seeing a very guy who confessed he had crushed on me and fantasized me since we knew each other. It was a total shock to me because he never said anything, made any moves on me, reached out to me much etc. When we finally started seeing each other romantically it was a disaster. He deactivated hard and it caused a ton of pain and confusion.
Please tell me you have an update…
Same exact scenario happened to me. It’s broke me for the last year and a half.
I'm still learning but limmerence really describes the intense feelings that I have called crushes/put name to extreme feelings/ thought was associated with "love", or being "in love". But for the past little while and from talking with friends who havent experienced as "intense" feelings, I started to wonder if the euphoria/preoccupation was indeed a sort of insecure/trauma response for feeling so unlovable and really craving what I feel I lack in other people. It's really frustrating because at the time it feels both amazing and horrible and causes me to feel really emotionally messy. It's... really freeing but also... now I have no idea what I'm actually supposed to feel. :')
Thanks for this video, Thais. I never thought a DA could experience limerence but I suppose one can't really tell because they suppress it so much. It does explain though why several DAs I've known in my life had what I thought was such a strange obsession with celebs and/or anime characters, when I was right there giving them the attention I thought they needed yet ignored or did not appreciate the attention.
I’m a DA and I have noticed that I experience limerence every time I like someone.
AA here and I find that it only has happened with this one person in my life and i know why now. Their is a special trait in this person that I have always wanted in myself and I highly find it attractive.
Same. I’m so tired of being me it’s not even funny. I don’t want to be the way that I am
Wow!! Thais are you a mind reader. You described this so accurately. When I was young I used to have Limerence for actors or celebrities a lot (who had traits of my repressed self) and thought maybe there is something wrong with me but I never fully understood the reason until now.
Thank you so much for this video! I'm the targeted audience, I'm part DA and part FA and struggled with limerence for years! It's really been such an awful and dark thing. I confused it with having a crush or love or something and couldn't understand why anyone would want any romantic feelings for anyone at all, because all it ever did was make me miserable.
Thank you Thais this is really interesting.
I've been watching a lot of your videos and finding it really educational to be able to navigate what is going on between myself and a guy I started seeing the last year and a half even though our relationship has been very roller coaster style, I've learnt a lot about myself and also about attachment theory as a result, due to the fact that he has DA tendencies which have brought out AP tendencies in me, I never knew I had before. When we first met, he told me that he had fantasies about me, which I found peculiar, even though he never told me what they were. However in the beginning of the romantic stage, when I accepted his advances, he started being very romantic, creating a romantic mythological mediaeval style narrative around how he interacted with me. As soon as we actually got into the relationship however, he then became withdrawn and his DA side immediately kicked in, even though he continually wanted me to be there with him, as a companion, from a safe distance, he started to become withdrawn and insecure around physical connection and contact, and even when we were together in bed sometimes he would disassociate, which I found difficult leading to me rejecting him ultimately.
In the beginning he was asking me a lot about different actors or musicians whether I liked them or not, which I just wasn't really interested in, but then as I learnt about limerence, I realised that he was identifying himself in a fantasy world involving these different actors and actresses. As he began to disassociate from connecting to me authentically more and more, I found that he became more limerent in relation to other women as part of his dismissive side as well. That also included talking to a woman from LA he'd never met who used to dress up a lot in burlesque costumes she used to post online all the time. He also still advertised his ex from thirty years ago dressed up in costume. I tried to discuss this with him, but it just caused conflict because he was so defensive. He also told me how he was unable to throw away a broken CD that was thirty years old just because he said he had a crush on the singer.. Why?
Then at the same time, whenever we had separated, including now.. I found myself subconsciously hyper-limerent about him, wanting to re-connect to him but not knowing how and dreaming about him frequently. Whenever I tried to re-connect with him in real life, he would then accuse me of limerence towards him, even though I explained to him that I existed in real life in the here and now, and that he actually told me he wanted a committed relationship with me in the beginning and because we'd been together I felt bonded to him even though I knew our relationship was disfunctional, I just felt that I needed to make things work somehow.
I have had some concern about whether or not it's a trauma bond though, and whether or not he has narcissistic tendencies, or is just a DA. At the same time, he's been concerned whether or not I'm behaving obsessively towards him as well when we are separated and has pushed me away when I've been too pushy around him. So inevitably working out how to navigate what's going on between us is a good idea.
I think from a subconscious point of view, my mind wants to connect to the part of him that connected with me originally, that is suppressed in me. He is in a band, so he expresses his fantasy version of himself by dressing up in costume for his gigs, and I have a suppressed part of me that wants to be in a band and play music which I've done since a child, but suppressed, feeling like I was not good enough due to one bad experience when I was 16. Originally he told me he wanted me to be in a band with him but it never happened, and instead he just created not one but four different bands with other people and banned me from going to any of his gigs, filling up his life with work and more work and then more and more band practices and guitar lessons, with zero time available for me, dismissive avoidant style... I've started going off doing things on my own more now, I did karoake busking in town with someone else the other day, which was good fun. I'm thinking maybe I should just get out more and do more singing myself alone just to detach myself from the DA guy I guess, and let him do whatever he does, fantasising about whatever other unavailable random woman he's chosen to latch onto now in his imagination instead.
FA here, I believe my DA had/has limerence with me, I also with him but it's less noticeable or felt because I actually noticed what were those traits of him that made me drawn towards him and I've worked on developing these traits in myself - I.e he is punctual, he is very straightforward and blunt, he doesn't care what others think, he is focused on his own life etc, these kinds of things I have worked on myself more now and I really love the dynamic we are having with him right now even though we are basically just mutual crushes atm, haha.
Same here. Exactly the same situation.
Thank you for sharing this! Your example is super helpful!
So many things are starting to make sense. Can't thank you enough for these videos
Please talk about DAs and how they use an idealized ex girlfriend to make the other ones seem like they are never good enough. When it is all an idealization.
That sounds more like a narcissist trait to me. The mind games and weaponizing things to make you insecure.
@@ThePolypam actually, it's just a deactivating strategy.
My DA does the same 😥 sometimes it's so hard to feel that you are not good enough... How should i respond back to this when he does it again
@@KYRA_FX Hi, could you expand on that, please?
woah, so cool to see you in the pre-vid ad.
Saw that too.
Thank you! This was the best explanation on limerance I've come across.
Thank you for the video.😁 I'm really interested in the anxious preoccupied and limerence!
Hey Thais,
I'm a dismissive avoidant person and I'M really trying to understand why do I translate every action or most actions to "oh, so he don't love me" ,"oh, so he may like me"
like I don't understand why I feel "unloved' when people do certain thing
Probably problems with trust. Like you don't want to get your hopes up and put trust into the fact that something could definitely happen because you fear rejection. Also a DA here, and I've been giving myself cognitive therapy to fix it. It's so difficult since I'm not a professional (yet), but it's doable
@@kailikesspamming Thank you so much for your reply ☺️
It is so helpful to me 🥰
I appreciate it 😘
Hey, Wahiba.
Could you mention specific things that made you feel those exact emotions ? I'm trying to understand DA's better so I can show up better for them.
@@KYRA_FX there's somethind specific to be honest.Like any silly action such as "late replies" can make me feel this way
@@wahibacena5090 oh no I replied late to a DA asking me to meet up. I responded the next day because I had to do some research before giving an answer. Then the DA ignored my message and never responded back to my ideas of what to do. Did they interpret the delay as disinterest?
So interesting! I'm FA and I actually lean AP (in the context of relationships or limerance). But I don't get limerance that often! Rarely ever. I've had it for someone unattainable (a professor, haha) and someone who I thought I could be with at the time, but I knew I would be leaving the west coast in a few months, so it didn't really have a future. So I think this is a way that I identify more with the dismissive avoidant. I find it so interesting how I can see myself in multiple attachment styles.
I love your videos! I would love to see one about the fearful avoidant and limerence
Yes, I have experienced this with unavailable men ( married) strong infatuation, happened on quite a lot of occasions. I have had relationship with a man who was married, we lived together for 5 years until he passed away.. love of my life.
Because of what you said about the safety of para-relationships, I would think that would include pornography as well. Understanding dismissive avoidance and attachment styles in general, helps one understand the reason for various addictions. It would seem that an anxiously attached person would be more likely to be addicted to alcohol while a dismissive avoidant would be desiring a para relationship.
Yes a dismissive will rather watch porn than actually get intimacy. 100% they pretend to be someone else in the beginning, for the sole reason of getting what they want.
@@allaboardthegravytrain5987 completely this! I should know…
My DA is addicted to TV.and is in a para-relationship with me....,obviously..lol😄
I let him be...
I do see progress. ..he is opening up and reaching out more 🙏
This video has helped me so much. How do fearful avoidants attached to limerence differently?
Hi Thais 🥰I stumbled across your videos a few weeks ago & have found them to be some of the most helpful psyche videos on YT. I am incredibly grateful for all of the wisdom you have shared. I intend to join the Personal Development School. I am wondering if you'd be interested in creating a video talking about your journey to becoming a psychotherapist/the educational paths you took? Also, any people/books/research/etc that has inspired you throughout this journey? I read the blurb on your website about your history but would love to hear more about your process. Watching your videos has helped me affirm that I definitely want to study psychology & begin the journey to becoming a psychotherapist/mental health counselor. It's a long journey with a variety of options/focus areas & I'm still learning about the different routes that can be taken/which we resonate the most with me. I'd love to hear your perspective. Thanks again for creating this community 💖🦋🌿
How do you know if DA loves you or has limerence?
Thais has video on how to tell if DA loves you
Wouldn't it be great if we could choose healthy stable parents?
Yup. Just like everything else, the feeling of limerance is...well... DISMISSED!
Do you think it can make some always seem to hate or be slightly hostile to their object of limerance
@@tigerlily6298 yup but the object of their hate is not truly the other person but their own feelings surrounding the other person. So they'll act cold or abrasive but they're not actually responding to anything you did but rather to the fact they hate feeling their own feelings when they do not want to feel them. It's best just to move on if a person is in that much self denial or turmoil. Life is short.
@@1x93cm I’m
So glad you said this. I have wondered for a long time that his feelings make him act this way. I sent him a quote saying “you hate the way I make you feel because you’ don’t want to feel anything” of course he didn’t reply but I felt that was accurate just the feeling I had.
We'd like to learn about limerence and the anxious preoccupied.
Thank you for posting this information in such a concise manner. It helps me digest the material without feeling like the bad guy. I have only recently realized that I have an insecure attachment style. After taking your quiz, I answered nearly half and half dismissive and fearful avoidant. I know that you have said in previous videos that it is a spectrum, but are the healing styles similar? If not, is there a way to know what I should be focusing on?
How can you tell the difference between someone very dismissive avoidant and someone with antisocial personality disorder (sociopath) both lack empathy.
A sociopath manipulates people, a dismissive avoidant doesn't. A DA is self reliant. A sociopath uses people to get what they want, they like inflict pain and they have no fear. There are no overlaps. You will find a grandiose narcissist has more DA personality traits as they see themselves better than others.
I can be quite DA and am actually am empath.
@@juliepetkovska520 I would say a DA can manipulate at times?
Hi, I went to the site. If I could get an 'about us' help. I am 100% into this as it is so helpful, saving me mentally, but as I share with family towards big life decisions, I want them to know this is all help from a credible source.
yes please do anxious attachment style in limerence ! Question how do u get the DA to open up about their needs or how they are feeling w/o scaring them away ?
Hi. Coming from a DA, don't ask them about their feelings. At least, not directly or right away. Ask about their thoughts. Then listen. Really listen. Ask them to clarify. Make sure you understand whatever they tell you. Ask for opinions first then gradually work your way to feelings once they seem comfortable. This is only a start. Hope this helps. 🙂
@@philishaedwin9992 good point.
Philisha Edwin Excellent point as a DA I can tell you this tip will work on me
@@philishaedwin9992 wow thank you for the advice!! I have definitely pushed some people away by trying to get them to open up about their feelings. I think its pretty common unfortunately... It makes a lot of sense that discussing thoughts feels less threatening to a DA. I will keep this in mind when interacting with friends or romantic partners in the future!
@@clorofemully Thank you for reading. As a DA I can tell you I've been uncomfortable a long time.. Happy to help 😁😄😀
Great info! This is an interesting topic!
I am becoming ur fan Thias !!!!
Wow! So well explained😊😊
I think Ive had limerence off and on since I was about 7 years old
I am a DA with a limerence that just causes an imbalance when i am in contact with the object which happens to be a covert narcissistic. We were in a deep relationship, the sex was amazing but the universe seemed to try and separate us on a monthly basis and eventually it finally did not on bad terms by any means but very abruptly.Being a sigma male leaves me in a tough spot because I know exactly what I want from the woman I love and she checks all the boxes except for being a narcissist. Do you have any videos on relationship dynamics between a narcissist and a DA with with love addiction? Thanks.
If she is a full blown covert narc, there is no real relationship at all. It is fake! I just broke up with a covert narc with sociopathy. Everything he ever said was a lie including telling me he loved me to sleep with me. They are monsters.
It’s funny you mention this…
I am an FA in limerence and throughout the last year dealing with a DA, I thought they were the narcissist. After watching this it makes a lot more sense that they were actually just limerent as well.
Me thinking they were a narcissist was my own avoidant subconscious thoughts telling me not to trust this person… but really they were just so limerent they didn’t know how to cope. The difference? Pretty sure I would’ve been hoovered multiple times over this last year by now… but instead he’s so terrified to even talk to me.
@@nightmareappliance In the exact same situation. I'm still not sure, but to protect my own ego, I'm choosing to believe he is a narc, as he started dating his old friend who came around often while we were together.
@@Heyy_itsJazzyy I think I need to do the same. Narc or not… it’s toxic and it’s making me crazy
My husband (DA) and I are separated and he is in a limerent affair with an anxious preoccupied person. She is now living with him and left her younger children to do so. Should I have hope that he will end that relationship? She has violated his trust and boundaries and controls him such that she gets enraged if he spends time with me. His health is getting worse and worse and I just want him to be okay regardless what happens with us (he says we won’t divorce but he’ll continue to live with her…at least for now).
That sounds like a very difficult situation. How is it now?
How do avoidants overcome sexual dysfunction? Is it different between males and females? How can partners help with low sexual desire?
That's very interesting. I'd like to know more about that too.
They avoid intimacy ! If you are always in your head THINKING OF HOW IT WOULD BE with that person it is totally different if they are suddenly there and touching/ licking you😅 also they think tooooo fucking much about EVERYTHING. What could go wrong? I'm ugly. Now they're touching my fat. What are they thinking? Do they want it? Is this good? Am I doing it right??? Gosh. What do I do? That doesn't feel good but I better not say anything do not to destroy this interaction. How about pregnancy? I'm not ready to be a father. I suck at this. If I take her from behind it's less intimacy and she can't see my eyes. Good that's better.
🙈🤪😐
@@katharina1439 That sounds about right!!
How is a healthy attachment should be? If the limerence is reduced, will it remove the attached emotions and feelings?
I just wanna get over him by now
Amazing video!!
Great Video !
Could you explain more about healing AA. Can you do it yourself? Because I watched all of your videos, and I have all the traits, and I feel really bad about myself, because i lost my gf bcs of it.
I know its best to seek therapy, but i'm just afraid that the therapist might not know that much about it, and just take the money, so I would waste time and energy..
Because when I google about attachment in my language barely anything comes out..
Are you anxious avoidant or anxious attached. Im was anxious attached and i healed to secure..its easier than avoidants going to secure.
AA here working on Secure... go to her website she has the work to do on yourself through her website. You cant expect to fix yourself in a video. You have to do self inner work that takes time . let me know how you do because i am currently in counseling through my insurance and I am always wanting more resources as well,
university.personaldevelopmen...
@@79paddysirl17 i'm anxious attached :/ it took me 2 months to find out that it was me pushing my gf away.
How did you heal?
@@OnFeature anxiously attache can tend to like avoidants at the outset..so understand that anxious avoidant dynamic..you will neef to become content in your own company and change your focus awsy from others and onto you. Have compassion for yourself when you feel particularly down. Anxious attachment has a huge capacity for self growth.
@@79paddysirl17 ik. And my gf was kinda avoidant. I can't figure her out, because she did like me, she allways argued with me if we didnt see eachother, but for the past few months she was acting more distant, less texts, shorter reply, not so happy to see me, kinda avoiding me more, hiding her phone. And she never had friends, now she had this urge to go out, ans ofcourse I got jealous, there were also some guy friends.. And i had some reasons to be jealous... And i started to be needy and wanted to change her as she was before and she left. Idk if she had someone else, point is she lost feelings for me otherwise she wouldnt leave me. Point is that i care too much, I get attached too much, i want to be more indifferent, care less, be more rude sometimes to others.. I allways want to help everyone even if I dont want to ill say yes. Specially to people that I dont even know. And be more confident in myself. I allways push myself down, ill not be able to do this, i'm bad at that, I'm ugly, where will i find someone else, yeh right like someone will like me..
Even if someone says that i am sexy, ill think "ok they lie".
I go on therapy in monday, will see how it goes, I hope they know something about this so that i wont waste my money
Are scholarships still available? Thank you Thais!!!
Hey Thais. Can you please talk about different attachment styles and cheating in relationships?
9:35
Could you please talk a bit more slowly ? I watch you from France and love your videos...it’s just a little too fast for me! I hope it doesn’t bother you 🙏 thanks for all these woderful informations .
If you click on the settings...you can slow the playback speed.
Justine Freedom thanks i Will try 😉
😀🌷👍
Take me on a DATE get a shake take a moment to Delight in each other. Maybe I'll show you a thing to shu into existence my LOVE