This is so important because Americans praise when no praise is due, so children come to expect something for nothing, so to speak. A European once said that Americans do not rear their children, they incite them. LOL. My parents would say "thank you" when we did something they asked of us that we were supposed to do, but they would not tell us how startlingly wonderful we were unless we did something startlingly wonderful. They were trying to train us to do the right thing, whether seen or praised or rewarded or not. I never understood why when a baby is clapping the attending parent cannot just clap back and say, "We're clapping." There is no need to tell them they are good or talented in some unusual way to be clapping. But, it is good for them to learn the word and for it to be reciprocated or acknowledged in some way. It is coercion through praise. It teaches them quick gratification, too, instead of what the deeper rewards can be of doing the right thing or doing what was asked or doing something new. It is better to notice and have the child notice that they tried really hard, which is a value. And what if the child is not so smart? How fair is it in a tough world to be saying that to them, when untrue? They need love learning and learn how to learn. We don't want them crushed by adult life because the rest of the world doesn't see what we do in them. The examples were helpful.
@@HapaFamily What do you recommend with young babies that don't understand "i see you tried really hard", you know like they don't know what you are saying yet. For example, what can I say to my 1yr old when for the most part she hates brushing her teeth and the few times she is willing i feel like i have to praise her so she can keep it up. What do i say or do to encourage her to keep doing it? Or simple stuff like when she finishes the food on her plate, or basically anything at this young age?
Thank you Ashley for another insightful video and thank you Philippa for your contributions! Growing up in Switzerland and Australia, I can compare my experiences in both school systems. In Switzerland, I was rarely praised but I was encouraged (well except by one teacher - most of us have a story like that I think). I felt that our "rewards", so to speak, were the end products of our work which we would then take home at the end of the term to show our parents (e.g. a woodwork project, German folder, math folder, handwork i.e. sewing and knitting - all of which were always beautifully presented and organised). In Australia, there seemed to be a lot more rewards. I got attendance certificates for attending school along with a whole string of other certificates and when I graduated from high school I got a "Special Achievement" TROPHY. Until this day I don't even know what is specially meant by "special achievement". I did get quite a high mark but not the highest either ... Did I get it because they knew I had moved a lot and been schooled in different school systems and languages but still managed to get a very high mark? I still don't know. My best friend at the time just laughed :-P. I do not understand this at all. For me attending school is a gift in itself and the rewards are intrinsic. These are just based on my personal experiences of the different "systems" so to speak - and it is not to shame any "teachers" because I had amazing teachers in both systems and not so good teachers in both systems also. For me it is more about the systems that are quite different in which teachers have to work in and I understand that.
@@11892rosa Here is what I did with my daughter: first of all, I'd let her choose the toothbrush herself, before buying it in a department store (the toothbrush appropriate for her age, of course). In the evening, we'd celebrate the act of toothbrushing: "Let's brush our teeth with this great new toothbrush! (Name) will have nice, clean, and strong teeth!" If her favourite cartoon character is painted on a toothbrush handle, you could promise her to read a bedtime story featuring that character. Reading books about the importance of toothbrushing was something my daughter liked a lot. We've had a book featuring a lion who had dirty teeth because he could not hold a toothbrush with his paws. But then, a little mouse came to the rescue! Now a lion has shiny, clean teeth! I hope this helps :) Btw, my daughter is 5 yo now, and enjoys toothbrushing.
What confuses me here is the conflation of “praise” with “constant, relentless, undeserved praise”. Children who never receive parental approval can spend their entire lives trying to earn a word of praise from their primary caregivers. Although I agree parents can err too far on the side of praise for its own sake, too little affirmation can have an equally adverse effect. ... ok, having watched the latter 1/2 of the video, I’ve realised why I have such a strong dislike of people who comment before watching the entire video 🤦🏻♀️ AMAZING content 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
It can seem really off putting at first to not praise children when they're looking for it.. So I can definitely see where your distaste came from to begin with... I have been a nanny in the past and I am currently a nursery school teacher. While being a nanny it was almost EXPECTED that I praise someone else's child even when it didn't feel warranted. At our nursery school, we practice a similar language to the one Ashley is using in her examples. I cannot tell you the world of a difference in makes. I find that it's easy to passively say "good job" or "so nice" in an enthusiastic but disingenuous way. When we actually take the time to look at the structure or piece of art and encourage children to be proud of what they did for themselves, their confidence and independence soars. And isn't that what we want for all children? Of course its great to praise them when you GENUINELY feel PROUD.
Actually I find the constant NEED for praise arises from either excessive praise OR when the parent turns to yelling and physical abuse very quickly. So the child becomes a people pleaser as a way to survive the CONSTANT egg-shell-walking. It is sad and depressing how often abusive parenting and excessive praise goes hand and hand in the same parents. Words to do not fix actions. Especially abuse. So this needs to be taken into consideration when stopping excessive praise. This involves a whole new approach of parenting. There was a study done on puppies which showed that when puppies were treated non abusively and had a lot of positive reinforcement they were not clingy to their owners. When they were abused they were also not clingy. However when the puppy received BOTH forms of treatment the simple problem of the fact they never knew if they were going to be treated well or abused meant that they were overly clingy towards people. It makes me feel a bit sick. (I can't find the study but I think it was quoted in. 'Your Parenting Mojo' episode).
I started crying after watching 15 mins of this because thats the feeling i want my child to have. I grew up with a lot of praise and i have a hard time with reassuring myself now
I see the positive effects of this in my own upbringing. My parents never really offered any praise when I was growing up. When family friends would praise me, my mom would play it down. I think part of it is cultural and praising one's own children isn't common in Chinese culture. My parents were supportive though, never missed any events I wanted them to attend. They also tried to always allow me to explore my interests even if it was hard on them financially. Without them praising me, I was able to find my own reasons to pursue my interests. It has helped me be motivated and know myself better.
I beg to differ though. Likewise, my parents being Chinese did not offer praise and I grew up feeling insecure. If they praised and reassured me more, I’m sure I would have outdone myself. Also, I don’t think praise would have directed my interests elsewhere. I praise my daughter to encourage her but she does what she likes . I don’t think that praise affects interest. She is invested in what she enjoys.
wow this video is so relevant for me today. It seems like I just can't help to say "awesome" or whatever when I notice my daughter(3 year old) doing something properly that I haven't seen her do before. Just today she was playing with a little "trumpet" toy and she was blowing exactly on beat with a song so I was genuinely happy/impressed so I said " wow your exactly on beat! " but then She totally stopped and it's not the first time she stops what she is doing after I say something.She almost look embarrassed then stops. I need to work on holding back, I think it's also because I come from a more negative background, so I have a tendency to want for her to know that "she can accomplish anything" and that I love her and I am proud of her no matter what. Very interesting topic and makes me self-reflect a lot
I have definitely grown up praise-addicted. I'm 25. In school, I got SO much praise, and I did at home too. I was a people pleaser, and did everything I could to be helpful, to be good, and a little pat on the head was my favorite thing. Well, as I have become an adult, working had been extremely difficult, because no one is going to pat you on the head for doing a good job. Motivation has been the hardest part of being an adult for me, and I realize now that all of the praise I got was what was motivating me my whole life. Even now, I still seek out activities where I will get recognized and complimented on a regular basis. Anyway, I figured I would say this as a warning to parents in these comments... please don't do to your kids what my parents and school did to me. If I become a parent one day, I will most certainly follow your advice. For now, I need to learn how to be a functioning adult haha
I am also 25 and definitely grew up in a over praising culture. Isn't kind of amazing how learning about children and child development can help you as an adult see where your current woes and issues in life stemmed from? It definitely gives me clarity!
This is so hard for me. I am a perfect example of why too much praise is detrimental. I received a lot of praise growing up from family, teachers, etc, to the point where I went out of my way to get praise and felt like a failure if there was no praise. So I get why this is important and I want to break the cycle with my daughter. But even at 3 months old, I am constantly saying "Good job!" and "What a good girl" for every natural thing. I am having a hard time not doing it! It just comes right out! I love her and I'm so happy for everything she does and I struggle not turning that into praise.
First time I heard for this was at my pedagogy class and that's when I realized that it is probably what happened to me. My parents very often were saying how smart I am and that caused me to be scared of trying anything new. And now that makes so much sense. I'm really determined not to overuse praise with my own children, but I don't even have children yet and I already find it very challenging and I'm afraid that I will struggle with this a lot, because I feel an urge to praise, to reward good behavior. Your tips are very helpful and I'll try my best to use them as much as possible. Thank you!
This makes so much sense!! Now I gotta turn my praise ship around. I’ve noticed I’ve been giving a lot of praise to my 14 month old twins. Especially around meal times or when they share something with one another. Thanks!
this is such an insightful video ! my main confusion with montessori has always been what to replace praise with and this makes so much sense. I was praised often as a child and told I was smart when I did well in school and it led to huge self esteem issues further along the line when I found myself struggling academically. I had such a fear of failure that I still deal with now as an adult and it's prevented me from trying things I might fail at. I hope I can avoid that cycle when I have kids in the future !
This video is exactly what I was looking for. As a former primary school teacher, and now manager of a large team of young adults, the negative repercussions of constant praise during childhood is so obvious to me. I literally have a team of 200 young people who feel unappreciated because they aren't praised for doing their job. I'm not a words of affirmation person but it's easy to fall into the trap of praising a child when it's all around you. Thank you for the tips and alternatives that we can start using with our daughter.
Lavender, if you really are seeking the best method, I encourage you to watch the Montessori at home series from this channel. It have been super for me and my husband to raise our little girl following Montessori principles. Ashley also created a super affordable e-course about this!
I have noticed this! The amount of times my kiddo has stopped doing something she was praised for is ridiculous 😂. I'll be more watchful, but I'm fairly certain I've switched to this subconsciously 😂
This video just popped up in my recommendation at the right time.. I have never thought about this, in fact I was doing some of these mistakes and now this makes so much sense. I have noticed that my nephew who is 18th months old, looks for praise or our attention now and then and if we don't react or applaud then he gets irritated. I guess kids these days have more intelligence quotient and they seek accomplishment by our appreciations like some sort of validation. I never saw it in my other nephews or nieces when they were at this age 10yrs back. But now they are all grow up kids and slowly their attitude towards things has also changed because their parents brag or appreciate them every now and then. They don't look for feedback or take pride in doing anything good, they just put in their best form in front of parents. Even learnt to lie and try deceiving their parents at the age of 8. In fact my neighbour constantly praise her daughter and now she is so stubborn that she wants her mom in everything so that she can appreciate her!! Now i know why my parents never bragged about me although other parents wud come and say that they got such a brilliant gal etc etc. They just always smile and tell me that i need to keep working hard and be smart. I guess I turned out pretty well😄. I don't know why i am writing all this stuffs😅. Anyways thanks for sharing these wonderful content. I will now be more careful in choosing words with my nephew and will pass on this information in the family. Wish u and ur family lots of luck and love, Shilpa from India!! ☺
Just a couple of days ago, our neighbour's nanny kept saying "Good Job" to my toddler. I knew it's not ok and why, we never tell it to our son, so I had to ask her to stop, even tough the situation was awkward. I did give her an explanation.
I just wanted to let you know this is the video that originally got my husband and me into Montessori. I was initially slightly put off by the title so I decided to watch it with an open mind. I was astounded at how much this resonated with me. I was definitely raised as a praise junkie, while my husband was not. We started talking more about it, and we've been raising our now 14 month old with full Montessori philosophy since she was 8 months old. We can really see the benefit of following the child in every way, and I've been passionately educating anyone who will listen about it, haha. We already naturally parented in a way that semi-closely aligned with Montessori, but now we have a lot of great guidance for continuing on this path. I just wanted to say thank you, Ashley and Mike (and Kylie and Mia) for all of the incredible information you've shared with everyone and for educating the world on a Montessori life with little ones! I'm praying for you guys to stay safe during these uncertain times and thanking God that He led me to your channel.
I need to start doing this with my 20 month old. I noticed she seeks out praise even when she does simple tasks. Growing up, we were constantly praised and it truly does have its affect on me, to this day I crave praise and have an abnormal fear of failure.
❤️One of my favorite videos in your Montessori series. I love having specific phrases to practice using. BTW, I am such a sap and teared up when you gave the example of Kylie saying, "Yeah! I worked really hard on it." ☺️
I wish I could hit 5 like buttons. I found myself so much in the praised child. This is how I was raised and I'm such a people pleaser! Thank you so much for this lesson! I am pregnant and trying to educate myself to do better the I was taught. Great Video!
Hi Ashley, My son, Lucas, is 14.5mo old (similar to Mia) and I found your channel after following your pregnancy updates which I greatly appreciated. I enjoy all of your content but want to respond to this video with the perspective of a therapist -- I have 2 Masters degrees (Psychology/Theology) and I have completed the academic and research portions of a PhD in Clinical Psychology. I think the ideas to "describe what you see" and "ask [open-ended] questions" to a child are wonderful. Engaging in dialogue is more energy-intensive and time-consuming, yes, but I don't believe research supports that statements about effort (e.g., "Great effort, hunny!") are globally unhelpful. To me, there is no harm in giving growth mindset (Dweck-like) **praise**-- I think it is needed, not as "manipulation" but as positive reinforcement. However, I agree that it is even better to pair it with a follow-up question or observation similar to examples you gave. The way in which you give your daughters warm and intentional 1-on-1 attention and adhere very closely to Montessori philosophy in your home is truly admirable, but I think it is unique. You are intentional and consistent about implementing it as a primary caretaker of your daughters. I would agree that parents should learn the danger of saying things like "You're so smart" or "What a pretty girl," but I think a deprivation of growth mindset praise is not the answer either. The wording of praise matters but a lack of praise *MAY* lead to psychological problems. For example, children getting praised at public school or at a team sport or by grandma may wonder why Mommy/Daddy never or rarely gives them the affirmation they crave. I will personally be telling my son, e.g., "Wow! What a high tower. This one is taller than XXX" ... "I am proud of you. You showed so much concentration! Good job, buddy! Let's see if we can build an even taller one." I don't see how harm is being done. I would also give encouragement if his tower collapsed to "Try, try again!" etc.
I suppose I didn’t really touch on the topic of telling your child you’re proud in this video, and certainly could have. It was unintentional that I missed talking about it. I would certainly agree with you that there are circumstances where it’s appropriate (and important!) to tell your child that you’re proud of them, and I don’t actually see this as praise, for what it’s worth. I feel that if it is a genuine feeling that you wish to share with your child because he/she truly has done something that makes you proud, that there’s no reason not to tell them so. ☺️ The problem is only if it is a constant refrain for every little thing that the child does, and it starts to lose meaning, that I would disagree with it. In the example you provided, I am 100% on board with what you’re saying! 🥰
Kimberly Griswold I have taught for 37 years teacher and have a Master’s degree in education. I think we can all benefit from the points Ashley is making with this video. We may be prone to giving too much praise to children. Developing children who are intrinsically motivated is the key to success both in school and later in life. However, I also agree with your points as well. The important thing for us to have in this regard is “Balance”. There was a book written about this subject called, The Blessing. It basically said that children who never receive the blessing of affirmation from their parents or guardians will struggle in life. I will certainly be looking for opportunities to practice what Ashley shared in this video, but I think I will still offer a sprinkling of praise at times with children. Thank you Ashley and Kimberly for your insight.
I just wanted to say thank you for these videos. Not only are they extremely helpful with learning about the Montessori lifestyle, I also get to improve my English. My daughter is 14 months old, I am a pretty young mother and sometimes feel overwhelmed by all that is to learn about raising and educating a child. I just wanna do the right thing and, luckily, with Montessori I have found a way to raise my daughter that completely alignes with my personal instincts. At the beginning I felt insecure when I saw all of these wonderful wooden toys and the tiny furniture and I thought I could never afford this in my small flat and that my child would miss out on these things. That might sound stupid, but I was scared that I could "ruin" her somehow if I did something wrong. I was too hard on myself. Now I am just doing my best to raise her with respect and love, encourage her to grow and learn and try to manage with diy 😄
This is interesting. I do not like receiving the "you are so smart"- kind praise. It makes me stop doing what I am doing and it makes me very annoyed. I never thought of why. I am also not confident and I do not like trying new things for being afraid to fail. So... I believe what you are saying is true.
Yes this is very real! This has repercussions in adulthood! In high school I did very well because my parents praise was nearby and immeadiate, later when I went to college and I was on my own, I had a very hard time motivating myself to do well at school.
Thank you so much. I have a 6yr old and a 5 month old. Stumbled on your videos for Montessori toys and play and have realized I’ve been making huge mistakes with my older boy. He is definitely praise addicted. I hope I can change this in our life.
Tip number 4 has such a valuable point - it extends to teaching empathy and looking to how our actions influence others. It no longer needs that justification from an authority (which is what people are usually looking for) and keeps us on our toes (unconsciously) about how we approach things. I'm so happy she pointed this out, I knew of it but never put it in words but dang am I so happy she did.
Thank you for the tips! I find it hard sometimes, because I am proud of every little thing my child does and I never know what to say. I don't want to be over the top, but I also don't want him to think I am not super proud of him.
Yes! Children are people too. They respect being talked to like they have sense. They know when your sincere even at a young age. I like to smile, ask a question, or make a comment that reinforces learning and be specific. Thanks for the reinforcement.
Thank you! I finally needed evidence to back up this mentality! My first job was at a child center at the college campus. They never told us to praise the kids outright but to comment on how they achieved something- “you worked so hard on building those blocks! That was amazing!” My FIL overpraises his grand daughter just because: “you’re the best! Yay! Good job! You’re so smart!” And she just sits there. It makes sense why his daughter is so entitled and wanting praise from other all the time and it totally makes sense why she’s like that. Turns on his favorite was his daughter and his sons were not. That’s why they’re not as entitled as she is. That baby will be just like her mama
I took an education psychology course in 3rd year of my undergrad and almost the whole course centred around this whole idea. The idea of intrinsic/extrinsic motivation and what the current research is showing which is exactly what you said! I have a 1 year old and am having SUCH a hard time not praising her!! It’s sooo hard but I know I have to try harder.
I am so glad I discovered your channel before even getting pregnant. I get to enjoy the content with more than enough time to learn how to apply these methods. I was never fond of children nor did I ever babysit. I never knew how to interact with anyone younger than me basically. Watching your videos is a pure delight because they absolutely make sense. They don't just teach about Montessori, but about child psychology and so much more! Thank you so much and I can't wait for your next video!
Having seen your video, I am now convinced that there is no need to encourage you to make more videos like this, nor will it be necessary to celebrate the making of this wholesome contribution from 3 years ago. Indeed, I believe you are already very proud of yourself for having done so; there is no need to hear anything from me because you already "got this," and you're very likely totally content already, reveling in your own accomplishment. If, after your amazing feat, you happen to read this comment and see my smiley ---> :-)
I have been a children's trauma therapist for over 10 years and was trained on praise. It was difficult to make the shift at first but this makes so much sense! I am so happy you explained it in a way I could understand. How was that?😂
On this same topic, I’d love to hear your take on children apologizing and how best to handle it. I encourage/insist that my 2.5 year old to apologize to her baby sister (and anyone else) when she pushes her or accidentally throws something that hits her etc. Generally, she’ll apologize and I say good job, although I don’t feel that is the best response from me. Also, sometimes she gets emotional when she needs to apologize, I never make her feel shameful about it, I try to always make it a comfortable experience. I’d love your take on this topic! Thanks!
So true!! It’s so inherent from society and our upbringing to make praises that it takes conscious effort to make these changes, and you nailed it Ashley... time and effort makes it worth it
Hello Ashley I'm from Mexico and I love your videos and this one make me notice how difficult is not to praise your child and the way this is so normal in our life, it's difficult to share this thought with the grandparents of our baby but it's amazing the way our kid can react to her goals.
Thank you for sharing this! From my own childhood, I have found that easy praise led to undeserved feelings of grandeur. But even worse, it became empty praise because the actions of one parent were often opposite to the praise given. I might hear "I love you so much" or "I'm so proud of you," but overall I didn't feel either of those things were true based on that parent's overall actions or attitude toward me. I was constantly second-guessing the validity of those praises and was very much a praise junky. My other parent didn't praise as often, but I always felt safe and loved by them because of their positive interactions and receptive attitude. So I loved your tip of just sharing in a smile or happy moment without having to say anything, or being invested in a child's accomplishments by asking about what they did or what they liked best. What's the point of being told "good job" if the parent has no intention of listening or sharing in the excitement? This really helped solidify some feelings I already had toward my own parenting journey soon to begin but that I couldn't put into words.
Wow thank you so much for this! I was just discussing this yesterday with my boyfriend and was looking for ressources to explain my point! Your videos are always straight to the point and so practical!
I’m not even a parent but this makes so much sense now! It always felt a little awkward watching my siblings or cousins get highly praised and the after effects of it. To have it be explained is so nice, thanks for sharing. I’ll definitely remember this when I have my own down the road lol
This is so helpful. I’m going to put all these tips on my refrigerator so my husband and I and retrain ourselves! Son is just 5months old and it is SO hard not to say the generic praises and I want to change this. Thank you for the video!
Oh boy, looks like I’m going to have to learn a whole new language here! I thought I’d been doing a good thing, but now i can see clearly that I am the stereotypical “over-praiser”! I was very resistant to this perception shift until I finished the whole video. It’s so logical and still a very loving way to communicate. I will start practicing my new language today! Thank you for teaching an old dog new tricks.
As I mentioned to another commenter: It can certainly be helpful to try to get your other caregivers on board with the same plan, if they’re open to it (by offering them some videos like this one, or short articles to educate them). But some people are just not really open to the change. If that is the case, try not to worry yourself too much and focus on what you’re doing with your child at home. Always remember that you sre your child’s most powerful and influential teacher, and what you’re doing with them at home is the most important. Kids are also really resilient, and they easily learn the differences in how certain people interact with them. Just be prepared to respond appropriately if they suddenly start expecting the praise to come from you, too, and be consistent in your response. :)
Sending my MIL this video! She constantly gives our toddler over the top clapping and fawning over something as simple as drinking water! 😩 thanks for this video, I really needed it for myself as well and you explain it so simply but perfectly.
My family will most definitely not be on board with my views or opinions, however thank you for the clarity and advice! I look forward to more of your content.
@@orrac1e I feel your pain! I was once made by a relative to join in collective clapping (no kidding, EVERY adult in the room was made to participate) because a child had put their socks on LOL
This makes so much sense! I was raised the opposite way and found it more confusing than helpful. It’s true though that requires more emotional engagement, as these work if they are sincere, so it forces you to be present. I love the tips, thanks!
Thank you for this clear explanation and for the alternatives of what to say instead, something more productive in the long run. I knew I shouldn't praise (old follower here!) but it wasn't clear to me the consequences of doing it and the healthier ways to recognise our children's efforts while still showing respect and recognition. I'm going to take notes to remind myself and my husband too for our almost 11 months old! I'm working on avoiding the word "no" too and I'm struggling with this but this video and explanation help with that too! I can't wait to get to the point in the fantastic e-course where you deal with this. As always, thank you for also taking the time to create the e-course 💕
This is helpful Ashley.. my son going to be 3 soon. Me and my family been keep saying "good job" " good boy" for every single thing he does.. and gets so happy to hear that.. and he even says tht to us when we do something good.. When he shows us something he did he really wait and expects us to say good job!.. i dont know how he is going to react when i just stop praising him now!! But i'll use your tips and see! Your explanations makes sense on why we shouldnt be praising the kids.. by the way i have enrolled to your elearning course
Question pls: how should we react when someone outside our Montessori bubble, like grandma, friend, or prek teacher (i cant afford a Montessori school), praises our kids?
You can't help how others behave around your child. You can limit exposure, try educating them, or set an example. But your child will be reared and more influenced by your parenting, your actions, your words, etc. You do what you feel is best and allow your child to explore and visit the different ways people do things in their lives.
Do absolutely nothing because you can't change anyone but yourself. Your child's relationship with others is none of your business unless you are concerned for their safety. It sucks. I watch my parents with my son and then realise why I am so messed up (people pleasing low self esteem etc).
You can talk to family and friends but you can’t control their words or actions. If your child’s teacher is not a Montessori teacher you can not expect them to use Montessori teaching methods. Teachers are not beholden to your parenting method.
I was gonna ask the exact same question but I guess @tabbyroad is right, as long as you're consistent in your family environment that's what the child will take in more, time with other relatives is usually limited unless they babysit more often than not, but in any scenario unfortunately we can't control how others interact with our child.
I think it’s important for kids to feel validated and know that they are loved and this is done so by praise an affection, because at the end of the high self esteem is what will help them conquer confidence in gaining new skills in life.
Being a teacher myself, we are also trained in giving specific praise, which is similar to what you are explaining here. You describe what the child is doing or bring it back to the child; “oh wow, you draw an apple, how do you feel about it? I do agree the “good job” phrase is addictive and sometimes not accurate:).
Praise focuses on the Doer (child) and encouragement focuses on the Deed (the effort) and there's a huge difference between them. Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs talked about the same topic in his book "children the challenge" and there is also research about the effect of praise on intrinsic motivation (Dr Dweck) for people who want to go a step further.
The more I hear your tips, the more it sounds like I am a born montessori . I dont have children of my own yet, but its my dream to have a baby girl. And I feel like using this method with her, primarily. As well as other things i have discovered during my journey of self growth.
My son is 2 months and I'm trying to get in this habit. I find myself telling him that he's so strong during tummy time when he lifts his head. Then I catch myself and follow up with "you're working so hard".
Have to say, was abit sceptical at first, but I do really like the way that instead of just plain, non engaged (or over the top, disingenuous) praise, is more engaging, and still facilitates the child feeling proud, but in a different way. Defs something to try and incorporate ✔️
It is timely for me to be watching this as my 16 month old daughter is already turning into a praise junkie and I'm the one to blame! :) Thank you so much for the tips, examples, and all the information you shared. I'll be applying these tips this afternoon!
It is still praise, even if it's non-verbal (smiling) and even if you are focusing on how your child made another child feel. You are still encouraging them to continue the positive behaviour, just in a different way than saying "wow, good job" - it's a smile or another form of compliment. Doesn't that still work to the same effect ie. having them seek approval from you for their effort and actions? This is a genuine question.
It is so hard to not praise my 14 month old, because I am SO proud of everything he does. But I DO want him to be internally motivated. I’m going to try the news commenter route. He often looks up at me for a reaction or a smile. How do you handle family members offering so much praise? My parents and in laws are ones to reward with food, “be a good boy and you’ll get a piece of chocolate” which I have no trouble establishing why we do NOT do that and why it’s terrible motivation. This is so much harder to explain though, and I know nobody is going to respect it.
Oof, tough one re family members offering extrinsic motivators like treats and using bribery. Can you limit time your child spends with them? That may cause some friction, but at the end of the day, you are your child's advocate. It's okay to hold firm to boundaries surrounding excessive praise and reward from others, especially with family. They have to understand that this is your child, and you are raising him with certain values and morals, and that it's disrespectful for them to undermine your parenting. If that means limiting their time with him, that's your imposed consequence for them. They can't carry on with a sense of entitlement to treat your son differently to how you choose to raise him and expect everything is perfectly fine when it's not. May I recommend the book Punished By Rewards? Alfie Kohn is a great author for stuff like this if your family is receptive to new ideas through reading. I hope this helps.
“good listening” when my son follows through instructions is usually what I say. and “can you help” because I know he’s inclined to leadership and taking charge. I tell my son he’s smart because he is and not compared to others. all people are intelligent. My family use to call me dumb all the time and i ended u up with very low esteem and depression and anxiety with learning that debilitated me for the rest of my life. because of those words any achievement for me at times seems like too much.
I’m so happy you have made an ecourse!! I’ve been watching and reading all sorts of stuff and your course will help a ton to simplify and know where and how to start. Thank you!!
I am with you! Feel like as a parent, this is something we need to work on not just to say "good job." Because it's just a easy path to say to our kids :)
I love this, Ashely! If anyone wants further material I'd recommend the book Unconditional Parenting by Elfie Kohn and the book Raising Human Beings by Ross W Greene. Elfie Kohn also has another great book on the subject, Punished by Rewards. 💞
I’ve just found your channel, I have a 2 and a half year old and an almost 1 year old and your videos are helping me so much with implementing Montessori into our lifestyle! Loved this video thanks so much 💕
Another great video! I just read about that topic in your online course. Our son is 9 months old. Until now I did not have to deal with praise a lot. But I was already thinking about how to deal with it in the future. Love the 5 alternatives you offered. And the scientific background. I will have to get my husband on board and scientific facts convince him a lot more. Thank you! Will watch that video at least once more.
Coule you make a video about what to look for in a montessori school? We in The Netherlands have goverment funded schools, also montessori but I am really curious to what are signs to look out for
Love this! I enjoy watching your Montessori videos. Especially bc there’s always research and empirical evidence with what you say. I’m majoring in child development and I love how what I’m learning in class you’re implementing it in your daily life as well as putting it out there for other parents. 💕 congrats on your eclasses best of luck 🥳
This is really such an informative video and something I am working on everyday! My biggest problem is when the grandparents are watching my son. I really am horrible at explaining why I don't want praise and they aren't exactly open to learning the montessori way of NOT excessively praising. It's just such a bad habit and really hard to break so I don't want to enforce it on them especially since they are kind enough to watch my child all day while I am at work. Do you think that would confuse the child when you have one person praising them and the parent's not excessively praising them?
Maybe you could have them watch this video so it’s not coming directly from you and it’s pretty short and concise in explaining it 💗 it could open up the convo for you guys 🙏🏼
It's funny I was thinking the same thing. My mother-in-law also has that over the top electric personality. She's 67-year-old. I'm afraid at that age she's not gonna change. I think I'm just gonna relax, let grandma be a grandma. But my mother-in-law only sees my daughter every the other week, maybe that's why it doesn't worry me too much.
It can certainly be helpful to try to get your other caregivers on board with the same plan if they’re open to it. But as other commenters have already said, some people are just not really open to the change. If that is the case, try not to worry yourself too much and focus on what you’re doing with your child at home. Always remember that you sre your child’s most powerful and influential teacher, and what you’re doing with them at home is the most important. Kids are also really resilient, and they easily learn the differences in how certain people interact with them. Just be prepared to respond appropriately if they suddenly start expecting the praise to come from you, too, and be consistent in your response. :)
Omg! I’m a praise junkie lol. This is definitely going to be hard bcuz my 2 yr old son looks for praise. He accomplishes something and looks to us and starts clapping and saying yay! With a huge smile too!
Also, a SAHM and former teacher (taking extended child rearing leave), and I completely agree with your observations in the classroom... so many of my students were praise-junkies, so afraid to do anything, afraid of making a mistake, and needed constant approval to motivate them. We create these "junkies" then wonder why 90 percent of our students lack intrinsic motivation. My husband and I are raising our 2-month-old daughter the Montessori way, and we're trying to break the bad habit of praise (in the style of how we were raised) but how do we get grandparents and other family members on board?
Christina M. I see this problem with my students, too! Especially the “high achievers.” They are terrified of doing things imperfectly and look to me for very detailed instructions. I always ask them, “Well, what do you think the best way to do it is?”
Im glad that I have subscribed to your vlog.. Each time you upload a new video I am learning a new information, a new method to raise my child.. Thank you so much for all your effort❤
I would caveat this method and say that should be used with emotionally and socially stable children. In my classes with many students with trauma, reassuring praise can help build a trusting bond with that child.
I definitely need more ideas on what to say. I have terrible language skills and limited things to say. 😩 It would be a life saver if you could do a video on list of things to say to your kids instead of praises. 😅 Ps:I love your videos. I’ve learned so much from them!
This video was so helpful! I'm going to email the link and the one to positive discipline to my parents and in-laws to hopefully also put into practice when they're watching our daughter! Thank you!!!
Overall I love the Montessori concept as I had sent my daughter there from 13 months to 5.5. I have been an educator for 14 years too. The only thing I disagree with Dr Montessori is praise. I believe praise can be given to children but not in an excessive way or out of manipulation. Therefor I disagree with some parts of your comments in that regards.
I'm so glad I watched this, great content and practical tips! What worries me is though, even though we can implement this at home, in reality, there's little control we have when it comes other family members (e.g. grandparents) or teachers, or other parents' reaction in the same play group etc, will that make my child think it is just me not willing to give out praise? Wonder what everyone else thinks?
Is there a video on how to encourage and celebrate with your child without giving them praise? I grew up with the feeling that I was never good enough and to this day I cannot celebrate my own successes. I am always just relieved that I haven’t failed (which btw is already when I don’t do something perfectly..) Now I’m looking for ways to raise my future kids to be happy and well adjusted but I feel like I’m really missing tools on how to be encouraging 😞
I watched lots of ur videos before giving birth to my baby girl and lost in btw but now m back coz I find myself praising her while doing anything, now she’s 1.3 years so I think I ve to be careful . Before they don’t understand even if we say those words but they do understand when we clap after doing something new. Now as u explained m worried they may alys expect someone to cheer for them with praise which there are chances that they may not be motivated to do anything ,if there isn’t anyone to praise them. Reality may hit hard if we don’t teach them right.
This is so important because Americans praise when no praise is due, so children come to expect something for nothing, so to speak. A European once said that Americans do not rear their children, they incite them. LOL. My parents would say "thank you" when we did something they asked of us that we were supposed to do, but they would not tell us how startlingly wonderful we were unless we did something startlingly wonderful. They were trying to train us to do the right thing, whether seen or praised or rewarded or not. I never understood why when a baby is clapping the attending parent cannot just clap back and say, "We're clapping." There is no need to tell them they are good or talented in some unusual way to be clapping. But, it is good for them to learn the word and for it to be reciprocated or acknowledged in some way. It is coercion through praise. It teaches them quick gratification, too, instead of what the deeper rewards can be of doing the right thing or doing what was asked or doing something new. It is better to notice and have the child notice that they tried really hard, which is a value. And what if the child is not so smart? How fair is it in a tough world to be saying that to them, when untrue? They need love learning and learn how to learn. We don't want them crushed by adult life because the rest of the world doesn't see what we do in them. The examples were helpful.
I really appreciated your insightful commentary on this topic, and I think others will benefit from reading what you have to say! Thank you! 🥰
@@HapaFamily What do you recommend with young babies that don't understand "i see you tried really hard", you know like they don't know what you are saying yet. For example, what can I say to my 1yr old when for the most part she hates brushing her teeth and the few times she is willing i feel like i have to praise her so she can keep it up. What do i say or do to encourage her to keep doing it? Or simple stuff like when she finishes the food on her plate, or basically anything at this young age?
Thank you Ashley for another insightful video and thank you Philippa for your contributions! Growing up in Switzerland and Australia, I can compare my experiences in both school systems. In Switzerland, I was rarely praised but I was encouraged (well except by one teacher - most of us have a story like that I think). I felt that our "rewards", so to speak, were the end products of our work which we would then take home at the end of the term to show our parents (e.g. a woodwork project, German folder, math folder, handwork i.e. sewing and knitting - all of which were always beautifully presented and organised). In Australia, there seemed to be a lot more rewards. I got attendance certificates for attending school along with a whole string of other certificates and when I graduated from high school I got a "Special Achievement" TROPHY. Until this day I don't even know what is specially meant by "special achievement". I did get quite a high mark but not the highest either ... Did I get it because they knew I had moved a lot and been schooled in different school systems and languages but still managed to get a very high mark? I still don't know. My best friend at the time just laughed :-P. I do not understand this at all. For me attending school is a gift in itself and the rewards are intrinsic. These are just based on my personal experiences of the different "systems" so to speak - and it is not to shame any "teachers" because I had amazing teachers in both systems and not so good teachers in both systems also. For me it is more about the systems that are quite different in which teachers have to work in and I understand that.
@@11892rosa Here is what I did with my daughter: first of all, I'd let her choose the toothbrush herself, before buying it in a department store (the toothbrush appropriate for her age, of course). In the evening, we'd celebrate the act of toothbrushing: "Let's brush our teeth with this great new toothbrush! (Name) will have nice, clean, and strong teeth!" If her favourite cartoon character is painted on a toothbrush handle, you could promise her to read a bedtime story featuring that character. Reading books about the importance of toothbrushing was something my daughter liked a lot. We've had a book featuring a lion who had dirty teeth because he could not hold a toothbrush with his paws. But then, a little mouse came to the rescue! Now a lion has shiny, clean teeth! I hope this helps :) Btw, my daughter is 5 yo now, and enjoys toothbrushing.
Philippa Pay I can see most of what you said as having insight, however the negative comment about Americans followed by the LOL was not appreciated.
What confuses me here is the conflation of “praise” with “constant, relentless, undeserved praise”.
Children who never receive parental approval can spend their entire lives trying to earn a word of praise from their primary caregivers.
Although I agree parents can err too far on the side of praise for its own sake, too little affirmation can have an equally adverse effect.
... ok, having watched the latter 1/2 of the video, I’ve realised why I have such a strong dislike of people who comment before watching the entire video 🤦🏻♀️
AMAZING content 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Same 😄
My same exact reaction! Happy I finished the video and kept an open mind
It can seem really off putting at first to not praise children when they're looking for it.. So I can definitely see where your distaste came from to begin with...
I have been a nanny in the past and I am currently a nursery school teacher. While being a nanny it was almost EXPECTED that I praise someone else's child even when it didn't feel warranted. At our nursery school, we practice a similar language to the one Ashley is using in her examples. I cannot tell you the world of a difference in makes. I find that it's easy to passively say "good job" or "so nice" in an enthusiastic but disingenuous way. When we actually take the time to look at the structure or piece of art and encourage children to be proud of what they did for themselves, their confidence and independence soars. And isn't that what we want for all children? Of course its great to praise them when you GENUINELY feel PROUD.
Actually I find the constant NEED for praise arises from either excessive praise OR when the parent turns to yelling and physical abuse very quickly. So the child becomes a people pleaser as a way to survive the CONSTANT egg-shell-walking. It is sad and depressing how often abusive parenting and excessive praise goes hand and hand in the same parents. Words to do not fix actions. Especially abuse. So this needs to be taken into consideration when stopping excessive praise. This involves a whole new approach of parenting. There was a study done on puppies which showed that when puppies were treated non abusively and had a lot of positive reinforcement they were not clingy to their owners. When they were abused they were also not clingy. However when the puppy received BOTH forms of treatment the simple problem of the fact they never knew if they were going to be treated well or abused meant that they were overly clingy towards people. It makes me feel a bit sick. (I can't find the study but I think it was quoted in. 'Your Parenting Mojo' episode).
Lauren I’ll try to find the study - that sounds awful, and sort of makes sense... attachment is a complex phenomenon, isn’t it?!
I started crying after watching 15 mins of this because thats the feeling i want my child to have. I grew up with a lot of praise and i have a hard time with reassuring myself now
I see the positive effects of this in my own upbringing. My parents never really offered any praise when I was growing up. When family friends would praise me, my mom would play it down. I think part of it is cultural and praising one's own children isn't common in Chinese culture. My parents were supportive though, never missed any events I wanted them to attend. They also tried to always allow me to explore my interests even if it was hard on them financially.
Without them praising me, I was able to find my own reasons to pursue my interests. It has helped me be motivated and know myself better.
I beg to differ though. Likewise, my parents being Chinese did not offer praise and I grew up feeling insecure. If they praised and reassured me more, I’m sure I would have outdone myself. Also, I don’t think praise would have directed my interests elsewhere. I praise my daughter to encourage her but she does what she likes . I don’t think that praise affects interest. She is invested in what she enjoys.
whenever it's backed up by research, i'm all ears.. thank you!
So many behaviours in our society that are used in education & child rearing, are done in tradition not necessarily backed by science or proof.
Saaaame. Sick of evidence contradicting educational practices.
wow this video is so relevant for me today. It seems like I just can't help to say "awesome" or whatever when I notice my daughter(3 year old) doing something properly that I haven't seen her do before. Just today she was playing with a little "trumpet" toy and she was blowing exactly on beat with a song so I was genuinely happy/impressed so I said " wow your exactly on beat! " but then She totally stopped and it's not the first time she stops what she is doing after I say something.She almost look embarrassed then stops. I need to work on holding back, I think it's also because I come from a more negative background, so I have a tendency to want for her to know that "she can accomplish anything" and that I love her and I am proud of her no matter what. Very interesting topic and makes me self-reflect a lot
I have definitely grown up praise-addicted. I'm 25. In school, I got SO much praise, and I did at home too. I was a people pleaser, and did everything I could to be helpful, to be good, and a little pat on the head was my favorite thing. Well, as I have become an adult, working had been extremely difficult, because no one is going to pat you on the head for doing a good job. Motivation has been the hardest part of being an adult for me, and I realize now that all of the praise I got was what was motivating me my whole life. Even now, I still seek out activities where I will get recognized and complimented on a regular basis. Anyway, I figured I would say this as a warning to parents in these comments... please don't do to your kids what my parents and school did to me. If I become a parent one day, I will most certainly follow your advice. For now, I need to learn how to be a functioning adult haha
I am also 25 and definitely grew up in a over praising culture. Isn't kind of amazing how learning about children and child development can help you as an adult see where your current woes and issues in life stemmed from? It definitely gives me clarity!
@@ednasmom I grew up with very little praise and I still became a people pleaser. 😩
This is so hard for me. I am a perfect example of why too much praise is detrimental. I received a lot of praise growing up from family, teachers, etc, to the point where I went out of my way to get praise and felt like a failure if there was no praise. So I get why this is important and I want to break the cycle with my daughter. But even at 3 months old, I am constantly saying "Good job!" and "What a good girl" for every natural thing. I am having a hard time not doing it! It just comes right out! I love her and I'm so happy for everything she does and I struggle not turning that into praise.
First time I heard for this was at my pedagogy class and that's when I realized that it is probably what happened to me. My parents very often were saying how smart I am and that caused me to be scared of trying anything new. And now that makes so much sense. I'm really determined not to overuse praise with my own children, but I don't even have children yet and I already find it very challenging and I'm afraid that I will struggle with this a lot, because I feel an urge to praise, to reward good behavior. Your tips are very helpful and I'll try my best to use them as much as possible. Thank you!
This makes so much sense!! Now I gotta turn my praise ship around. I’ve noticed I’ve been giving a lot of praise to my 14 month old twins. Especially around meal times or when they share something with one another. Thanks!
this is such an insightful video ! my main confusion with montessori has always been what to replace praise with and this makes so much sense. I was praised often as a child and told I was smart when I did well in school and it led to huge self esteem issues further along the line when I found myself struggling academically. I had such a fear of failure that I still deal with now as an adult and it's prevented me from trying things I might fail at. I hope I can avoid that cycle when I have kids in the future !
This video is exactly what I was looking for. As a former primary school teacher, and now manager of a large team of young adults, the negative repercussions of constant praise during childhood is so obvious to me. I literally have a team of 200 young people who feel unappreciated because they aren't praised for doing their job.
I'm not a words of affirmation person but it's easy to fall into the trap of praising a child when it's all around you. Thank you for the tips and alternatives that we can start using with our daughter.
I'm due in September, and I'm trying to find the best method of parenting. This makes a lot of sense! Thank you
Lavender, if you really are seeking the best method, I encourage you to watch the Montessori at home series from this channel. It have been super for me and my husband to raise our little girl following Montessori principles. Ashley also created a super affordable e-course about this!
Me too! 22nd!
Congratulations!
I have noticed this! The amount of times my kiddo has stopped doing something she was praised for is ridiculous 😂. I'll be more watchful, but I'm fairly certain I've switched to this subconsciously 😂
This video just popped up in my recommendation at the right time.. I have never thought about this, in fact I was doing some of these mistakes and now this makes so much sense. I have noticed that my nephew who is 18th months old, looks for praise or our attention now and then and if we don't react or applaud then he gets irritated. I guess kids these days have more intelligence quotient and they seek accomplishment by our appreciations like some sort of validation. I never saw it in my other nephews or nieces when they were at this age 10yrs back. But now they are all grow up kids and slowly their attitude towards things has also changed because their parents brag or appreciate them every now and then. They don't look for feedback or take pride in doing anything good, they just put in their best form in front of parents. Even learnt to lie and try deceiving their parents at the age of 8. In fact my neighbour constantly praise her daughter and now she is so stubborn that she wants her mom in everything so that she can appreciate her!! Now i know why my parents never bragged about me although other parents wud come and say that they got such a brilliant gal etc etc. They just always smile and tell me that i need to keep working hard and be smart. I guess I turned out pretty well😄. I don't know why i am writing all this stuffs😅. Anyways thanks for sharing these wonderful content. I will now be more careful in choosing words with my nephew and will pass on this information in the family.
Wish u and ur family lots of luck and love, Shilpa from India!! ☺
Just a couple of days ago, our neighbour's nanny kept saying "Good Job" to my toddler. I knew it's not ok and why, we never tell it to our son, so I had to ask her to stop, even tough the situation was awkward. I did give her an explanation.
I just wanted to let you know this is the video that originally got my husband and me into Montessori. I was initially slightly put off by the title so I decided to watch it with an open mind. I was astounded at how much this resonated with me. I was definitely raised as a praise junkie, while my husband was not. We started talking more about it, and we've been raising our now 14 month old with full Montessori philosophy since she was 8 months old. We can really see the benefit of following the child in every way, and I've been passionately educating anyone who will listen about it, haha. We already naturally parented in a way that semi-closely aligned with Montessori, but now we have a lot of great guidance for continuing on this path. I just wanted to say thank you, Ashley and Mike (and Kylie and Mia) for all of the incredible information you've shared with everyone and for educating the world on a Montessori life with little ones! I'm praying for you guys to stay safe during these uncertain times and thanking God that He led me to your channel.
I need to start doing this with my 20 month old. I noticed she seeks out praise even when she does simple tasks. Growing up, we were constantly praised and it truly does have its affect on me, to this day I crave praise and have an abnormal fear of failure.
❤️One of my favorite videos in your Montessori series. I love having specific phrases to practice using. BTW, I am such a sap and teared up when you gave the example of Kylie saying, "Yeah! I worked really hard on it." ☺️
I wish I could hit 5 like buttons. I found myself so much in the praised child. This is how I was raised and I'm such a people pleaser! Thank you so much for this lesson! I am pregnant and trying to educate myself to do better the I was taught. Great Video!
This video is amazing! To the viewers I also recommend the book "How to talk so little kids will listen"👍🏽
Hi Ashley, My son, Lucas, is 14.5mo old (similar to Mia) and I found your channel after following your pregnancy updates which I greatly appreciated. I enjoy all of your content but want to respond to this video with the perspective of a therapist -- I have 2 Masters degrees (Psychology/Theology) and I have completed the academic and research portions of a PhD in Clinical Psychology. I think the ideas to "describe what you see" and "ask [open-ended] questions" to a child are wonderful. Engaging in dialogue is more energy-intensive and time-consuming, yes, but I don't believe research supports that statements about effort (e.g., "Great effort, hunny!") are globally unhelpful. To me, there is no harm in giving growth mindset (Dweck-like) **praise**-- I think it is needed, not as "manipulation" but as positive reinforcement. However, I agree that it is even better to pair it with a follow-up question or observation similar to examples you gave. The way in which you give your daughters warm and intentional 1-on-1 attention and adhere very closely to Montessori philosophy in your home is truly admirable, but I think it is unique. You are intentional and consistent about implementing it as a primary caretaker of your daughters. I would agree that parents should learn the danger of saying things like "You're so smart" or "What a pretty girl," but I think a deprivation of growth mindset praise is not the answer either. The wording of praise matters but a lack of praise *MAY* lead to psychological problems. For example, children getting praised at public school or at a team sport or by grandma may wonder why Mommy/Daddy never or rarely gives them the affirmation they crave. I will personally be telling my son, e.g., "Wow! What a high tower. This one is taller than XXX" ... "I am proud of you. You showed so much concentration! Good job, buddy! Let's see if we can build an even taller one." I don't see how harm is being done. I would also give encouragement if his tower collapsed to "Try, try again!" etc.
I suppose I didn’t really touch on the topic of telling your child you’re proud in this video, and certainly could have. It was unintentional that I missed talking about it. I would certainly agree with you that there are circumstances where it’s appropriate (and important!) to tell your child that you’re proud of them, and I don’t actually see this as praise, for what it’s worth. I feel that if it is a genuine feeling that you wish to share with your child because he/she truly has done something that makes you proud, that there’s no reason not to tell them so. ☺️ The problem is only if it is a constant refrain for every little thing that the child does, and it starts to lose meaning, that I would disagree with it. In the example you provided, I am 100% on board with what you’re saying! 🥰
Kimberly Griswold I have taught for 37 years teacher and have a Master’s degree in education. I think we can all benefit from the points Ashley is making with this video. We may be prone to giving too much praise to children. Developing children who are intrinsically motivated is the key to success both in school and later in life. However, I also agree with your points as well. The important thing for us to have in this regard is “Balance”. There was a book written about this subject called, The Blessing. It basically said that children who never receive the blessing of affirmation from their parents or guardians will struggle in life. I will certainly be looking for opportunities to practice what Ashley shared in this video, but I think I will still offer a sprinkling of praise at times with children. Thank you Ashley and Kimberly for your insight.
Great points, thank you
I just wanted to say thank you for these videos. Not only are they extremely helpful with learning about the Montessori lifestyle, I also get to improve my English. My daughter is 14 months old, I am a pretty young mother and sometimes feel overwhelmed by all that is to learn about raising and educating a child. I just wanna do the right thing and, luckily, with Montessori I have found a way to raise my daughter that completely alignes with my personal instincts. At the beginning I felt insecure when I saw all of these wonderful wooden toys and the tiny furniture and I thought I could never afford this in my small flat and that my child would miss out on these things. That might sound stupid, but I was scared that I could "ruin" her somehow if I did something wrong. I was too hard on myself. Now I am just doing my best to raise her with respect and love, encourage her to grow and learn and try to manage with diy 😄
This is interesting. I do not like receiving the "you are so smart"- kind praise. It makes me stop doing what I am doing and it makes me very annoyed. I never thought of why. I am also not confident and I do not like trying new things for being afraid to fail. So... I believe what you are saying is true.
Yes this is very real! This has repercussions in adulthood! In high school I did very well because my parents praise was nearby and immeadiate, later when I went to college and I was on my own, I had a very hard time motivating myself to do well at school.
Thanks for adding this insight to the conversation! So important! 🥰
Thanks for adding this insight to the conversation! So important! 🥰
Thank you so much. I have a 6yr old and a 5 month old. Stumbled on your videos for Montessori toys and play and have realized I’ve been making huge mistakes with my older boy. He is definitely praise addicted. I hope I can change this in our life.
Tip number 4 has such a valuable point - it extends to teaching empathy and looking to how our actions influence others. It no longer needs that justification from an authority (which is what people are usually looking for) and keeps us on our toes (unconsciously) about how we approach things. I'm so happy she pointed this out, I knew of it but never put it in words but dang am I so happy she did.
Ím 23 and don’t even have kids but I learn so much about what kind of mom I wanna be in the future by watching your videos!☺️
Thank you for the tips! I find it hard sometimes, because I am proud of every little thing my child does and I never know what to say. I don't want to be over the top, but I also don't want him to think I am not super proud of him.
Yes! Children are people too. They respect being talked to like they have sense. They know when your sincere even at a young age. I like to smile, ask a question, or make a comment that reinforces learning and be specific. Thanks for the reinforcement.
I was literally just thinking about this subject and was wanting to research some more information in it. Love it!
Thankyou!
Thank you! I finally needed evidence to back up this mentality! My first job was at a child center at the college campus. They never told us to praise the kids outright but to comment on how they achieved something- “you worked so hard on building those blocks! That was amazing!” My FIL overpraises his grand daughter just because: “you’re the best! Yay! Good job! You’re so smart!” And she just sits there. It makes sense why his daughter is so entitled and wanting praise from other all the time and it totally makes sense why she’s like that. Turns on his favorite was his daughter and his sons were not. That’s why they’re not as entitled as she is. That baby will be just like her mama
I took an education psychology course in 3rd year of my undergrad and almost the whole course centred around this whole idea. The idea of intrinsic/extrinsic motivation and what the current research is showing which is exactly what you said! I have a 1 year old and am having SUCH a hard time not praising her!! It’s sooo hard but I know I have to try harder.
I am so glad I discovered your channel before even getting pregnant. I get to enjoy the content with more than enough time to learn how to apply these methods. I was never fond of children nor did I ever babysit. I never knew how to interact with anyone younger than me basically. Watching your videos is a pure delight because they absolutely make sense. They don't just teach about Montessori, but about child psychology and so much more! Thank you so much and I can't wait for your next video!
Having seen your video, I am now convinced that there is no need to encourage you to make more videos like this, nor will it be necessary to celebrate the making of this wholesome contribution from 3 years ago. Indeed, I believe you are already very proud of yourself for having done so; there is no need to hear anything from me because you already "got this," and you're very likely totally content already, reveling in your own accomplishment. If, after your amazing feat, you happen to read this comment and see my smiley ---> :-)
I have been a children's trauma therapist for over 10 years and was trained on praise. It was difficult to make the shift at first but this makes so much sense! I am so happy you explained it in a way I could understand. How was that?😂
On this same topic, I’d love to hear your take on children apologizing and how best to handle it. I encourage/insist that my 2.5 year old to apologize to her baby sister (and anyone else) when she pushes her or accidentally throws something that hits her etc. Generally, she’ll apologize and I say good job, although I don’t feel that is the best response from me. Also, sometimes she gets emotional when she needs to apologize, I never make her feel shameful about it, I try to always make it a comfortable experience. I’d love your take on this topic! Thanks!
You could just say thank you to her (instead of good job). We ask ours to say 3 things:
I'm sorry.
I was wrong for X.
Will you forgive me?
🙂
So true!! It’s so inherent from society and our upbringing to make praises that it takes conscious effort to make these changes, and you nailed it Ashley... time and effort makes it worth it
Hello Ashley I'm from Mexico and I love your videos and this one make me notice how difficult is not to praise your child and the way this is so normal in our life, it's difficult to share this thought with the grandparents of our baby but it's amazing the way our kid can react to her goals.
Wish there was a “love” button! I was very interested in this topic after watching your Positive Discipline video and wanted to learn more! ❤️
Thank you for sharing this! From my own childhood, I have found that easy praise led to undeserved feelings of grandeur. But even worse, it became empty praise because the actions of one parent were often opposite to the praise given. I might hear "I love you so much" or "I'm so proud of you," but overall I didn't feel either of those things were true based on that parent's overall actions or attitude toward me. I was constantly second-guessing the validity of those praises and was very much a praise junky. My other parent didn't praise as often, but I always felt safe and loved by them because of their positive interactions and receptive attitude. So I loved your tip of just sharing in a smile or happy moment without having to say anything, or being invested in a child's accomplishments by asking about what they did or what they liked best. What's the point of being told "good job" if the parent has no intention of listening or sharing in the excitement? This really helped solidify some feelings I already had toward my own parenting journey soon to begin but that I couldn't put into words.
my son is three and we give him praise all the time! Everything you said makes sense. Gonna talk this over w the hubby.
Wow thank you so much for this! I was just discussing this yesterday with my boyfriend and was looking for ressources to explain my point! Your videos are always straight to the point and so practical!
I’m not even a parent but this makes so much sense now! It always felt a little awkward watching my siblings or cousins get highly praised and the after effects of it. To have it be explained is so nice, thanks for sharing. I’ll definitely remember this when I have my own down the road lol
This is so helpful. I’m going to put all these tips on my refrigerator so my husband and I and retrain ourselves! Son is just 5months old and it is SO hard not to say the generic praises and I want to change this. Thank you for the video!
Oh boy, looks like I’m going to have to learn a whole new language here! I thought I’d been doing a good thing, but now i can see clearly that I am the stereotypical “over-praiser”! I was very resistant to this perception shift until I finished the whole video. It’s so logical and still a very loving way to communicate. I will start practicing my new language today! Thank you for teaching an old dog new tricks.
Question: What about when family members or friends respond in praise? How will that affect me and my child's progress?
Following.
As I mentioned to another commenter: It can certainly be helpful to try to get your other caregivers on board with the same plan, if they’re open to it (by offering them some videos like this one, or short articles to educate them). But some people are just not really open to the change. If that is the case, try not to worry yourself too much and focus on what you’re doing with your child at home. Always remember that you sre your child’s most powerful and influential teacher, and what you’re doing with them at home is the most important. Kids are also really resilient, and they easily learn the differences in how certain people interact with them. Just be prepared to respond appropriately if they suddenly start expecting the praise to come from you, too, and be consistent in your response. :)
Sending my MIL this video! She constantly gives our toddler over the top clapping and fawning over something as simple as drinking water! 😩 thanks for this video, I really needed it for myself as well and you explain it so simply but perfectly.
My family will most definitely not be on board with my views or opinions, however thank you for the clarity and advice! I look forward to more of your content.
@@orrac1e I feel your pain!
I was once made by a relative to join in collective clapping (no kidding, EVERY adult in the room was made to participate) because a child had put their socks on LOL
This makes so much sense! I was raised the opposite way and found it more confusing than helpful. It’s true though that requires more emotional engagement, as these work if they are sincere, so it forces you to be present. I love the tips, thanks!
Thank you for taking the time to make this! It's great to see examples of how to reframe praise so the child can learn self-worth and empathy!
Thank you for this clear explanation and for the alternatives of what to say instead, something more productive in the long run. I knew I shouldn't praise (old follower here!) but it wasn't clear to me the consequences of doing it and the healthier ways to recognise our children's efforts while still showing respect and recognition. I'm going to take notes to remind myself and my husband too for our almost 11 months old! I'm working on avoiding the word "no" too and I'm struggling with this but this video and explanation help with that too! I can't wait to get to the point in the fantastic e-course where you deal with this.
As always, thank you for also taking the time to create the e-course 💕
This is helpful Ashley.. my son going to be 3 soon. Me and my family been keep saying "good job" " good boy" for every single thing he does.. and gets so happy to hear that.. and he even says tht to us when we do something good.. When he shows us something he did he really wait and expects us to say good job!.. i dont know how he is going to react when i just stop praising him now!! But i'll use your tips and see! Your explanations makes sense on why we shouldnt be praising the kids.. by the way i have enrolled to your elearning course
Question pls: how should we react when someone outside our Montessori bubble, like grandma, friend, or prek teacher (i cant afford a Montessori school), praises our kids?
You can't help how others behave around your child. You can limit exposure, try educating them, or set an example. But your child will be reared and more influenced by your parenting, your actions, your words, etc. You do what you feel is best and allow your child to explore and visit the different ways people do things in their lives.
Do absolutely nothing because you can't change anyone but yourself. Your child's relationship with others is none of your business unless you are concerned for their safety. It sucks. I watch my parents with my son and then realise why I am so messed up (people pleasing low self esteem etc).
You can talk to family and friends but you can’t control their words or actions. If your child’s teacher is not a Montessori teacher you can not expect them to use Montessori teaching methods. Teachers are not beholden to your parenting method.
I was gonna ask the exact same question but I guess @tabbyroad is right, as long as you're consistent in your family environment that's what the child will take in more, time with other relatives is usually limited unless they babysit more often than not, but in any scenario unfortunately we can't control how others interact with our child.
I think it’s important for kids to feel validated and know that they are loved and this is done so by praise an affection, because at the end of the high self esteem is what will help them conquer confidence in gaining new skills in life.
Being a teacher myself, we are also trained in giving specific praise, which is similar to what you are explaining here. You describe what the child is doing or bring it back to the child; “oh wow, you draw an apple, how do you feel about it? I do agree the “good job” phrase is addictive and sometimes not accurate:).
Praise focuses on the Doer (child) and encouragement focuses on the Deed (the effort) and there's a huge difference between them. Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs talked about the same topic in his book "children the challenge" and there is also research about the effect of praise on intrinsic motivation (Dr Dweck) for people who want to go a step further.
:44 this is me, right now. Thank you so much for not only sharing techniques, but providing the research and philosophy behind those techniques.
The more I hear your tips, the more it sounds like I am a born montessori . I dont have children of my own yet, but its my dream to have a baby girl. And I feel like using this method with her, primarily. As well as other things i have discovered during my journey of self growth.
My son is 2 months and I'm trying to get in this habit. I find myself telling him that he's so strong during tummy time when he lifts his head. Then I catch myself and follow up with "you're working so hard".
Have to say, was abit sceptical at first, but I do really like the way that instead of just plain, non engaged (or over the top, disingenuous) praise, is more engaging, and still facilitates the child feeling proud, but in a different way. Defs something to try and incorporate ✔️
This was amazing! Thank you! I’m gonna really try to apply this with my 20 month old 💗
It is timely for me to be watching this as my 16 month old daughter is already turning into a praise junkie and I'm the one to blame! :) Thank you so much for the tips, examples, and all the information you shared. I'll be applying these tips this afternoon!
I'm so glad you did this video! I need to really work on this. Thanks Ashley!
It is still praise, even if it's non-verbal (smiling) and even if you are focusing on how your child made another child feel. You are still encouraging them to continue the positive behaviour, just in a different way than saying "wow, good job" - it's a smile or another form of compliment. Doesn't that still work to the same effect ie. having them seek approval from you for their effort and actions? This is a genuine question.
I love all the phrase examples that you give. Thank you so much! I'm one of those parents working hard at breaking the cycle.
Thank you for explaining the negative effects of praising a child.
It is so hard to not praise my 14 month old, because I am SO proud of everything he does. But I DO want him to be internally motivated. I’m going to try the news commenter route. He often looks up at me for a reaction or a smile. How do you handle family members offering so much praise? My parents and in laws are ones to reward with food, “be a good boy and you’ll get a piece of chocolate” which I have no trouble establishing why we do NOT do that and why it’s terrible motivation. This is so much harder to explain though, and I know nobody is going to respect it.
Oof, tough one re family members offering extrinsic motivators like treats and using bribery. Can you limit time your child spends with them? That may cause some friction, but at the end of the day, you are your child's advocate. It's okay to hold firm to boundaries surrounding excessive praise and reward from others, especially with family. They have to understand that this is your child, and you are raising him with certain values and morals, and that it's disrespectful for them to undermine your parenting. If that means limiting their time with him, that's your imposed consequence for them. They can't carry on with a sense of entitlement to treat your son differently to how you choose to raise him and expect everything is perfectly fine when it's not. May I recommend the book Punished By Rewards? Alfie Kohn is a great author for stuff like this if your family is receptive to new ideas through reading. I hope this helps.
I love all the examples you give in all of your videos. It makes it soooo relatable and helps in my learning process! Thanks for all your hard work!
“good listening” when my son follows through instructions is usually what I say. and “can you help” because I know he’s inclined to leadership and taking charge.
I tell my son he’s smart because he is and not compared to others. all people are intelligent. My family use to call me dumb all the time and i ended u up with very low esteem and depression and anxiety with learning that debilitated me for the rest of my life. because of those words any achievement for me at times seems like too much.
I’m so happy you have made an ecourse!! I’ve been watching and reading all sorts of stuff and your course will help a ton to simplify and know where and how to start. Thank you!!
this is the most powerful video you've made yet wow! I loved it. I have no kids yet but I love learning. thank you for the content!
This is something I need to work on! Thank you so much 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I am with you! Feel like as a parent, this is something we need to work on not just to say "good job." Because it's just a easy path to say to our kids :)
@@Elvaelvaku exactly! And doesn't get their brain moving or developing for improvement! ❤️❤️
I am a new mom and your video helped me alot. Thank you son much!!!! ❤
I love this, Ashely! If anyone wants further material I'd recommend the book Unconditional Parenting by Elfie Kohn and the book Raising Human Beings by Ross W Greene. Elfie Kohn also has another great book on the subject, Punished by Rewards. 💞
I’ve just found your channel, I have a 2 and a half year old and an almost 1 year old and your videos are helping me so much with implementing Montessori into our lifestyle! Loved this video thanks so much 💕
Another great video! I just read about that topic in your online course. Our son is 9 months old. Until now I did not have to deal with praise a lot. But I was already thinking about how to deal with it in the future. Love the 5 alternatives you offered. And the scientific background. I will have to get my husband on board and scientific facts convince him a lot more. Thank you! Will watch that video at least once more.
Coule you make a video about what to look for in a montessori school? We in The Netherlands have goverment funded schools, also montessori but I am really curious to what are signs to look out for
She actually already has one about looking for Montessori preschools. Hopefully this helps 😁
th-cam.com/video/_BreeVKxi4Y/w-d-xo.html
Hapa Family aaahh thank you you are great!
Love this! I enjoy watching your Montessori videos. Especially bc there’s always research and empirical evidence with what you say. I’m majoring in child development and I love how what I’m learning in class you’re implementing it in your daily life as well as putting it out there for other parents. 💕 congrats on your eclasses best of luck 🥳
This is really such an informative video and something I am working on everyday! My biggest problem is when the grandparents are watching my son. I really am horrible at explaining why I don't want praise and they aren't exactly open to learning the montessori way of NOT excessively praising. It's just such a bad habit and really hard to break so I don't want to enforce it on them especially since they are kind enough to watch my child all day while I am at work. Do you think that would confuse the child when you have one person praising them and the parent's not excessively praising them?
Maybe you could have them watch this video so it’s not coming directly from you and it’s pretty short and concise in explaining it 💗 it could open up the convo for you guys 🙏🏼
It's funny I was thinking the same thing. My mother-in-law also has that over the top electric personality. She's 67-year-old. I'm afraid at that age she's not gonna change. I think I'm just gonna relax, let grandma be a grandma. But my mother-in-law only sees my daughter every the other week, maybe that's why it doesn't worry me too much.
Ahh I’m interested in this question too! Not just the other parent praising but perhaps daycare providers or baby sitters
It can certainly be helpful to try to get your other caregivers on board with the same plan if they’re open to it. But as other commenters have already said, some people are just not really open to the change. If that is the case, try not to worry yourself too much and focus on what you’re doing with your child at home. Always remember that you sre your child’s most powerful and influential teacher, and what you’re doing with them at home is the most important. Kids are also really resilient, and they easily learn the differences in how certain people interact with them. Just be prepared to respond appropriately if they suddenly start expecting the praise to come from you, too, and be consistent in your response. :)
Just some hours ago I was talking to my husband about this issue. I told him I will search in details about it. Et voilà, your video popped up!
Omg! I’m a praise junkie lol. This is definitely going to be hard bcuz my 2 yr old son looks for praise. He accomplishes something and looks to us and starts clapping and saying yay! With a huge smile too!
Also, a SAHM and former teacher (taking extended child rearing leave), and I completely agree with your observations in the classroom... so many of my students were praise-junkies, so afraid to do anything, afraid of making a mistake, and needed constant approval to motivate them. We create these "junkies" then wonder why 90 percent of our students lack intrinsic motivation. My husband and I are raising our 2-month-old daughter the Montessori way, and we're trying to break the bad habit of praise (in the style of how we were raised) but how do we get grandparents and other family members on board?
Christina M. I see this problem with my students, too! Especially the “high achievers.” They are terrified of doing things imperfectly and look to me for very detailed instructions. I always ask them, “Well, what do you think the best way to do it is?”
Overwhelming amount of research: great! Could you provide links to the peer-reviewed papers?
Watch the damn video. She cites a study you can Google yourself.
Omg! I could Kiss you right now. Thank you for every Information you are sharing with us. You are amazing! 🙏🤗
Im glad that I have subscribed to your vlog.. Each time you upload a new video I am learning a new information, a new method to raise my child.. Thank you so much for all your effort❤
I would caveat this method and say that should be used with emotionally and socially stable children. In my classes with many students with trauma, reassuring praise can help build a trusting bond with that child.
I seriously needed to see this video!! I was just thinking about things I can say instead of good job and You’re so smart! Thank u 🙏
You described that really well, which was super helpful... err... What that praise? I will have to learn more about this.
What a fab video, thank you Ashley!!!!!! x
I definitely need more ideas on what to say. I have terrible language skills and limited things to say. 😩
It would be a life saver if you could do a video on list of things to say to your kids instead of praises. 😅
Ps:I love your videos. I’ve learned so much from them!
This video was so helpful! I'm going to email the link and the one to positive discipline to my parents and in-laws to hopefully also put into practice when they're watching our daughter! Thank you!!!
Thank you so much for sharing good information here.
Overall I love the Montessori concept as I had sent my daughter there from 13 months to 5.5. I have been an educator for 14 years too. The only thing I disagree with Dr Montessori is praise. I believe praise can be given to children but not in an excessive way or out of manipulation. Therefor I disagree with some parts of your comments in that regards.
I have watched this without even blink my eye 😍 Thank you Ashley such an amazing research and also congrats for your montessori tasks love ya xx
I'm so glad I watched this, great content and practical tips! What worries me is though, even though we can implement this at home, in reality, there's little control we have when it comes other family members (e.g. grandparents) or teachers, or other parents' reaction in the same play group etc, will that make my child think it is just me not willing to give out praise? Wonder what everyone else thinks?
Such as an interesting and important content! Thank you for sharing this!
Is there a video on how to encourage and celebrate with your child without giving them praise? I grew up with the feeling that I was never good enough and to this day I cannot celebrate my own successes. I am always just relieved that I haven’t failed (which btw is already when I don’t do something perfectly..)
Now I’m looking for ways to raise my future kids to be happy and well adjusted but I feel like I’m really missing tools on how to be encouraging 😞
So useful information, not only for child education. Thank you!
I watched lots of ur videos before giving birth to my baby girl and lost in btw but now m back coz I find myself praising her while doing anything, now she’s 1.3 years so I think I ve to be careful . Before they don’t understand even if we say those words but they do understand when we clap after doing something new. Now as u explained m worried they may alys expect someone to cheer for them with praise which there are chances that they may not be motivated to do anything ,if there isn’t anyone to praise them. Reality may hit hard if we don’t teach them right.
I love your videos and your thoughtful, articulate explanations -- thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experience ❤️
amazing! just amazing! Thank you!