When my daughter was about 4 she said, "mom, you know how you feel when your boss yells at you. That is how I feel when you yell at me." I never yelled again.
I cant yell or talk loud because i was screamed at my entire life im 34 years old and my parents still scream at me if im around them and it takes me back to being a child wanting to unalive myself. Thats is my life and please dont yell at children i nearly lost my life at 12 because of this
I always have a fear of my dad always yelling so loud, and so much, it so out of hand, out of control, offensive, and completely intentional. I cried so much about it that my dad doing things deliberately, and intentionally on purpose. The yelling and screaming really bothers me, and gets on my nerves.😨😓
One important thing to note is that there's a HUGE difference between assertion and aggression. If people have grown up around the latter they may also be frightened of the former, which can be a real barrier in life.
Thank you for pointing this out! I grew up in a home in which I was yelled at aggressively by my parents, in ways that truly could be counted as abusive when you consider what they were saying to me. As a result, for years as an adult I found it hard to assert myself as a result because I didn't know the difference, and didn't want to turn into my parents. Needless to say, for a long time it was incredibly hard to stand up for myself when the need arose. It really can be a huge barrier in life!
As an adult having endured emotional abuse via being yelled at, I find myself battling a sadness that borders on depression often times, and I've become the polar opposite of my normal extroverted self.
I grew up with parents who yelled constantly at everything. I made a promise as a kid that I would never yell at anyone and I never have. I don’t think I’ve ever even raised my voice. I see now that it’s more indicative of the person yelling not being in control and throwing a tantrum. But as a kid you think it’s your fault. So yeah you can choose to stop the abuse cycle
As a kid, when my parents scolded me or hit me i thought this was all my fault that im a terrible child, now i get anger issues and want nothing but to punch them in the mouth so they shut it up, i wanna get those thoughts out of my mind, my mexican mom think its ok to parent with yelling, she told me at least 3 times before i hit 13 that she would never hit me again but she did, all the virtues of me were built on fear of being reprimanded by my mom, she isnt a bad person she has bad parenting skills, she yells she isnt good at controlling her emotions and today she even went crazy because i didn’t answer to her screaming at me and screamed and got angrier when i said “what do you want me to say?”
And Dave has earned millions while running his ship that way. People LOVE his rants, and wish they had a platform on which to shout. In fact, none of the junior personalities can do a proper rant, complete with insults and outrage while smiling broadly. When he is done, so is that show. It isn't financial advice. It is a show.
We wouldn’t want to be yelled at as adults so why is it okay to yell at children ? They are developing and we don’t use fear and control tactics to get them to listen . It’s one way to make your kids hate you and mess up their lives .
@@troyspears6470 it's called discipline. We didn't have school shooters. Now we do because you aholes coddle your kids. I have kids and they know not to get out of line or they get whipped.
@@miketheyunggod2534 Well it is part of the problem---but the main problem is actually this, this comment... this social media, other social media. We speak too much on here and "other" people too easily. When in reality if we spoke in person more as a culture and spoke face to face with full tone of voice and body language we would be much better off with our differences. I'm not saying problems never happen offline out in the real world, but ever since we stopped focusing on our communities locally and instead starting focusing on media, social media, politics more and more... we're going downhill fast.
My mom used to yell at us as kids. When my sister and I got older, my mom one day approached us and apologized for her behavior. At the time I was thinking “nah she doesn’t have to apologize, she was right. We deserved it.” But it wasn’t until my adulthood I realized it did damage me. Any loud sound that has a similar tone to my mother’s voice will tense me up and fill me with dread. Still healing from it
Yelling is abuse, if parents/caregivers raise their voice consistently it sends children into fight or flight. It sends messages to your nervous system and brain. It changes and rewires your brain as well as cause autoimmune and all other types of illness and risk for many other risky behaviors (addiction).studies that prove that yelling is a form of abuse for the impact it has on the individuals throughout a lifetime. Don’t dismiss how harmful it is for someone to experience this in childhood and the impacts it causes. I hope parents who think this is ok would do research and reevaluate.
@squid park Same!!!! I'm 52 and this is exactly where I am. I didnt even realize it was abuse until the last few months. BOTH of my parents screamed at us constantly. I hated my childhood and don't talk to my parents to this day.
He's not talking about getting someone's attention. He's talking about actually yelling at your kids because they did something wrong which is unacceptable.
If it's abusive to do to an adult, then it's abusive to do to a child. Prompt people who make excuses for yelling/spanking and you can easily get them to say things like we should bring the gallows back.
Idk if yelling is abuse or not but I know that not yelling has my 3 yr old son a lot calmer and I’m able to regulate his emotions a lot more. Not to say I never raise my voice, but as his father there’s power and authority in my voice that will scare him as so my wife. I never wanted my family to fear me. Only to love and respect me. You gain more respect when you communicate. My son knows when I raise my voice in a certain tone I mean business but that’s like 5% of the time. The other 95% I’m cool as a cucumber and only want him to understand
My parents yelled at my sibs and I when we were children but it was always after several nice requests prior to either do or stop doing something. We knew how far we could go before ‘consequences’ would be suffered.
Same here, and my parents divorced when I was 6-dad emotionally and sometimes physically absent from my early years so I can only remember my mom in the beginning. She had a lot of trauma she is still healing from (16 years later!) so I know back then she was struggling bad. She would only yell and get mad when my sister and I organize her previous requests a couple times. And she would never direct the yelling or aggression right at us, it was more of a general yelling out loud in the house like she would commonly say “I want to scream!!” Now I won’t pretend that still didn’t have an affect on me. Not sure how much is from my dad’s absence and how much is from my mom’s emotional struggles and difficulty with regulating all of her emotions, but I have my own struggles I’m seeing as I’m adult now and I struggle with perfectionism and shutting down when people are even just potentially upset with me. Still, I don’t want to rag on my mom. She did the best that she could at the time with the resources she had access to. I recognize it was far from perfect, but for my entire life I have known without a shadow of a doubt that she loved and still loves me with everything in her being. And that’s what holds you together in and after the inevitable mistakes. Even when she was upset and yelling to the house, I never doubted that she loved me and would stay with me, I just felt bad that I made her upset because most of the time it was because I didn’t obey. But that’s tricky because yes I didn’t obey, but it wasn’t my job to help make sure she kept her emotions regulated
Super facts. Husband likes things a certain way and hes a contractor and our house is literally the last thing he has times for. Sometimes i think renting would be a better option because someone would be held accountable. Thing is im not mad at him that he doesnt have time, i get mad and annoyed when hes like your not polishing this turd good enough. Im a sahm who homeschools, so ive noticed i yell at them to have things done a certain way its non of their faults. Its my husband and mine living condition. Husband is displeased with me, im displeased with house, i become mommy dearest and this is the day it stops. Prayers are welcome. ❤
Identity first: I don't like to drink/feel drunk. I am a healthy person. I am a person who doesn't yell, who doesn't let my kids have control over my emotional state. "I am choosing to feel frustrating right now". Different way of thinking about this. Keep locus of control.
I totally agree. But, I'm not a fan of when people advise to "control" their emotions because it implies that we have conscious control over what we feel (which we absolutely don't). It's all about staying embodied and being with the emotion until it peaks and then subsides, after which you should communicate with someone.
You don't want your kids growing up wondering what they could have done or been if they weren't abused. In the moment it might seem like the easy path with no consequences, but when they grow up they learn that you have capped their potential as adults by leading them down an adulthood path full of mental struggles that are unnecessary and painful. From anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy and failure. It's not worth it.
Kids (or anyone) actually will zone out the unpleasant noise of screaming or shouting. There are a few studies of trauma and the link to ADHD (Gabor Matè reference). Ignoring you is a coping mechanism. It’s advisable to rather be quieter, controlled and get to their eye level and communicate - so they can actually hear you, instead of fear you. Understandably, you want a reaction and to control them. I understand the frustration, you pay/provide/cloth and feed them - but perhaps you are lookin for appreciation? Also, the brain cannot comprehend a negative statement, especially when their is a high cortisol attack (which is what screaming at them is) - ie: “why do you never do your homework” … you need to always frame in the affirmative (ie; what you want to happen). Lastly, just because it happened to you, doesn’t mean it was the best response… we do what was done to us. Have a good think if its working, if it’s not, develop new tools.
It’s pretty simple. You yell at kids, they will be scared to come to you for any future issues. Talk to them in a nice voice- they will come to you with all future issues. Plus yelling raises their blood pressure. When my daughters mom yells , my daughter itches her hands to the point they bleed.
But for people who yell, their cognition is not in the driver's seat. There is a build up of tension that they are unable to feel/manage/process that eventually hits a threshold until they end up yelling. The heart of the issue is, I believe, an inability to deal with your own sensations/inner reality.
I completely agree. It's abusive. 😞😖 Yelling scares the crap out of kids. It did for me...and it made me feel as if I had to regulate my dads moods by being good/better/perfect. I'd rather stop an action and be a better kid because I *understand* it's _wrong_ or _bad,_ instead of stopping it because I'm *scared.* Fear is NOT a lasting motivator! This childhood prepped me to marry a raging narcissist when I was young. And, you guessed it, I took on the job of trying to regulate HIS emotions, just like I did my father. 14 years of pure hell, terrified, and 4 years out and still dealing with cptsd from the abuse. I chose that guy because it was "normal" to me to have an angry, yelling husband. Nope. _Nope._ *NOPE!*
I've read a handful of comments so far. I think most of the comments are confusing yelling with raising your voice to get someone's attention. Constant yelling at someone IS abuse. My mom was a yeller and a complainer. One time when I was a teenager she was haranguing me to the point I had a nervous breakdown/panic attack my whole body started shaking and I was hyperventilating. I literally couldn't catch a breathe. And she just stood there staring at me. She just walked away. Didn't even apologize. SO YES, YELLING IS ABUSE.
My mother did not yell. But when she was angry, you could feel it. I think it was just as frightening as yelling. She came from a very abusive background, and she wanted to make sure she didn't yell or hit, which she didn't do. And she was a very loving person. I'm just saying that not yelling doesn't solve the problem. The anger and frustration you are feeling is the problem.
I’m experiencing this with my husband. He has agreed not to yell but the problem is the rage is still there and kids are not dumb. They can feel it. Stopping yelling is only the beginning and if you don’t address the issues causing the yelling then the problem just festers. A very frustrating place for all of us to be. He says “I didn’t yell” like he’s the best parent but I can literally feel the anger coming off him in waves.
I didn't consider my mother's screaming/loudness to be abuse, but I knew if I didn't listen I could expect abuse to come next. She was raising wild boys to become good men and I think my brothers are great people. My mother had three kids and couldn't be in three places at once, I have no hard feelings. I have one child who listens pretty well and screaming only happens when I need her attention. Every family is different and so are parenting methods. Lead with love.
Unfortunately, when our daughter was young, my husband and I fought too much and I yelled too much. She would often say "Stop yelling at me" when I was barely raising my voice, but she knew I was mad. I have gotten much better at not yelling now, but I wish I had done it sooner. However, using the term "consequence" when referring to bad choices unfortunately made her believe that a consequence was only negative. We then had to have a talk about the real meaning of that word and that consequences can be positive or negative.
Lmao, in America parents are concerned about yelling at their kids. In Africa we give thanks to God if all our parents do is yell 🤣. This Africa is not for me. I'm coming back to my next life as an American.
There is a happy medium my friend. There is a reason why so many people here are anti-social.. ‘Yelling’ Is it abusive? I think that yelling can be abusive, but it isn’t always. This doctor has an interesting take on yelling, and I believe there is some psychology behind it based on past experiences, personal worldview, etc. It may not be one size fits all solution but I could understand why for some people it would consider it abuse. I was raised in a home where yelling was a normal way of speaking and I believe that it did escalate to the point of abuse. I am 32 years old now, and I would’ve fully agreed with this doctor even four or five years ago, However I partially agree with him now. I don’t believe that ‘yelling’ itself is the issue, although it very often is. When yelling is manifested in unrighteous anger it’s abusive without a doubt. Weather that unrighteous anger takes the form of either ‘taking our day out’ on our child based on occurrences that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with us/someone other than our child, or if we’re not in our right state of mind while we are yelling. This is absolutely abuse on every account. However, I do believe there are times where it is necessary to CHOOSE to raise our voice in an authoritative manner toward our children to put the appropriate weight behind our words according to our best judgment as the parent. This should in no way be a frequent practice, but there is a time for everything under the sun, including raising our voice. For example, If our child refuses to obey our direction by ignoring what we say, or God forbid use the word “no” in response to our direction, we don’t have to be angry to raise our voice and let him know that our direction is ‘non-negotiable’ so long as we are ‘aware’ that we are doing so in a not so ‘reactive’, but rather ‘responsive’ manner. Sometimes they don’t get the hint until they see our authority escalate. This sort of escalation can also be demonstrated through body language by making ourselves appear bigger than before. On the flip-side, say you were perfect and never yelled at your children. Who is to say that your child wouldn’t grow up unequipped for dealing with the real world where people raise their voices all the time. Your child may become an emotionally disturbed individual and have a hard time navigating harsher emotions, and in turn resort to harsher tactics like shutting other goodhearted people off from their life entirely, based on their idea of what it means to be a good person vs. an abusive one. So are now we suggesting that people who raised their voice are bad people and deserve no companionship? I think that’s more harsh than the yelling. Just a thought… When our idea of right vs. wrong is merely subjective in nature then we have gone off course, so of course we would need these sorts of ‘never yell’ rules and emotional barriers in place to fill the void of what is absolute. Your kids need to see the ‘real you’ which more often then not should not be the “yeller.” Inner healing work can help us grow. As this Doctor said, It is all-ways a matter of “choice,” and we cannot choose if we are not present (pre-sense).
@@chazzfinster0074 this is a comprehensive and thoughtful post. We are all "victims" of victims and the level of self awareness, ownership and rectifying of our own wrongs with humility and love goes a long way in relationships and trust particularly with our children. During times of severe stress I have yelled in an unhelpful/non directive way, horrified I may end up like my abusers I have apologised and explained that such a loss of control is not acceptable. No one apologised and rarely comforted me growing up in severe violence so fundamentally I know I'm not like them. The times I yelled always originated from fear and catastrophising that their behaviour will spiral out of control with detrimental effects, as I've survived some horrific things. So I would agree it originated from a righteous anger of trying to protect the good. Compassion and valuing true Peace are the centre of our home. God bless you.
I don't disagree that most yelling is abuse, but saying that growing up in a house with some yelling, and not thinking it was always an abusive upbringing is binary thinking, and taking it too far. Parents make mistakes, and as adults we should forgive our parents, because no one knows what they're doing when they raise kids. Yes there are parents who are over the line too often, and it bleeds insecurity and narcissism. Most parents care, but they lack the tools. I noticed my parents were much more mellow toward my younger siblings, because experience taught them not to overreact, and unless you're exposed to the stimulus how can you learn to deal with the emotions? I'm probably wrong, and I don't have kids. This is just my option.
@@rickardotorres I'm taking offense to how casually, and dismissively Dr. D called parents that yell sometimes abusive. This is the most overly simplified thing that these PhDs do, and it's hard to take them serious when they casually dismiss things they don't like, and broadly categorize people into groups. But thanks for not addressing any of my points.
I kind of agree. I've definitely yelled at my kids but I've also made an effort to apolgise to them when we've all calmed down and talk calmly about it. I yell much less now that we've got better communication. My parents on the the other hand never did that. They'd be up in my face yelling at me. Never once apolgised, even when they were in the wrong about a situation. I would class them as abusive, they knew how much it upset us and just carried on doing it
@@AlannahGardener that makes a lot of sense, it sucks that some people decide to value their own ego over thier relationships, and being better people.
I’m not sure I agree with this. Seems to me yelling would only be abusive if it was excessive or unwarranted. I rarely yell so if I do my kids know they’ve pushed it too far. It has helped us to gain an understanding of everyone’s limits.
It depends on: What you say How often it happens Why you are arguing What you do as a result of the argument, e.g, do you turn your kids into your therapist? Do you lash out and say or do very hurtful things? Do you blame your kids or people around you for everything? Etc. How you handle the arguments It doesn't have to be physical or threatening to still be considered abuse or a toxic environment, especially for kids.
It depends on the words coming out of your mouth. If you're just being loud to get their attention, no. If you're cursing them out or insulting them, yes. And in that case, it doesn't matter how loud you are. The issue is the anger. You should not be getting angry over petty things. And if you're yelling about math homework, that's to be expected. Your frustration isn't being directed at the kids, it's at the thing that is driving both of you nuts.
But the kid would believe the frustration is directed at them because they can't do their homework. Kids may not see things the same way. For instance a parent may compare a kid to another in the classroom to motivate the kid to do better, but the kid may see it as telling them that there is something wrong with them because they can't do as well as the other kid. It really depends. And I still think it's unnecessary to yell at your kid because of homework. You don't yell at them you scold them.
@@baristaz8834 Comparing anyone to anyone else is abuse. Scolding kids is abuse. They don't need to be scolded. A shepherd doesn't beat his sheep. You just explain a better way to do things.
@@bkucenski scolding a kid is not abuse, scolding isn't yelling. Scolding is telling a kid that what they did is wrong, explaining why and/or disciplining them for it. Comparison is not abuse either, but it is wrong when done in a negative light or with kids without explaining positive reason for doing so, like teaching an older kid that they can do better or do as well as the student that does well in class. Edit: nevermind I mixed up the words discipline and scolding, I don't think scolding is entirely wrong but it shouldn't be the default thing to do.
Thank You Dr. Delony, I have first hand experience with this growing up and then again with my children. I have worked in schools for over 25 years and have witnessed and dealt with children growing up in an abusive home. Yes, yelling/screaming/shouting/loud voice, etc… is Abuse. Parents: Read Dr. Gabor Mate’s book… Hold On To Your Kids
@Erin Blondel ok let's take the semantics out of it. Reacting with rage filled emotional and violent *words* as a disciplinary tactic is a lot different than emphasizing what you need your child to stop doing or start doing with a raised tone of voice. When my 6yo is pushing his brother and I am inside and he is outside, I will not wait till I'm in a calm environment with a happy voice and then instruct Johnny to please stop pushing his brother because he's by the pool and that could be bad. I will raise my voice and say "Stop pushing him now!" And that is not abuse. That is needed directional yelling. If I then go off on an emotional tangent calling him names, labeling him as some negative thing, that becomes screaming. Saying "you should never ever yell, there's no need for it" is naive and incredibly incorrect. There are many reasons to raise your voice and yell. There are none for allowing your emotions to get away from you and scream and kick and punch. That is what I'm saying, and I really wish Deloney would have made that distinction before he abruptly told this poor chick she grew up abused.
@Erin Blondel I think we're saying the same thing and just don't realize it. Of course using yelling as a regular course of conversation isn't ok, but sometimes if you've got a hard headed kid you really do need to raise your voice beyond "nice mommy voice" and I don't think you or Deloney or anyone else can call that abuse. We live in a society that either constantly talks down and rude to their kids, or thinks that using anything other than soft sparkles and confetti to communicate with your kid is abusive. There's no middle ground and I guess when you take the middle ground people are going to beef about it.
Our parents disapline us for good reason, not because they are abusive. That's a dumb theory. They are our parents not our friends. I have friends I had parents.
What constitutes emotional abuse is very interesting to me. It's definitely nuanced and the individual child (or moreover person) involved is key. Raising your voice in a relatively minor way, WITHOUT change in tone of voice, simply to make it known that this is important to you/needs to be respected is healthy, in my opinion. I would add that this should be done WITHOUT the intention of making the other person feel shame, blame, fear, etc. The intention should be increased understanding around the implications of the action, rather than on impacting the sense of self of whoever is being spoken to. Raising your voice in an overly way, especially WITH change in tone of voice (ie. hateful, spiteful, vitriolic, blaming, etc), I believe constitutes emotional abuse. Attunement is crucial, and can only be practiced by speaking to someone directly/making eye contact, or at least viewing body language. In terms of the person who has a tendency to yell, noticing initial body cues and communicating them when they arise, as opposed to reaching your threshold of anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment, etc, is the key 💚
The younger kids have become conditioned to her yelling in the household which is why they don't hear it anymore, they're immune to it. Then she yells more because they don't pay attention to her, it's always a vicious cycle.
There’s a strong link between screaming parents and children ADHD, as a coping mechanism (dr Gabor Matè). Verbal attacks release cortisol in the child’s brain, which is the stress hormone (freeze/fight/flee) - and their whole system shuts down. Eventually, they zone that noise out - which escalates the parents frustration.
My mother said parenting did not come with a handbook. Yeah maybe, but there are handbooks available. maybe all maternity units should issue the handbook with the baby
Or maybe, you aren't a person of a weak mental state that must continually analyze their feelings and learn coping tools so they can function in society...
It's funny how it's only the white people who say, "don't yell at your kids it's abusive". Not Latinas. I was raised by one and survived. I also respect all of my family who choose to yell. We are very loud people 🤣 when I married my white husband it took him some time to adjust. Lol 😆 I also have 3 boys sooooo yeah I yell to get their attention before they do something stupid and life threatening which happens just about everyday. 🤪 I totally get it though with not wanting to yell. I definitely get out of hand with yelling instead of just dealing with the situation immediately... I wonder what Dr. Delony thinks about spankings... 😆😉
Yes many cultures are like that and have much more respectful children. I'm Caucasian and see lazy, disrespectful children, but hey at least they don't yell. Eye roll.
You lost her when you told her she was abused. There's a difference between raising your voice and abuse. Raising your voice to get attention after the calm voice didn't work isn't abuse. Abuse is degrading language whether you are yelling or talking softly.
No, my mom always told me she raised her voice at me and that it wasnt yelling but as a kid to me it was the same thing and anyone who "raises" their voice at me it makes me shaky and i shut down, it gives me alot of fear. Whatever it is to you does not matter if it fills your kids with fear.
I came from an abusive home where there was alot of yelling and I don't want to do that but sometimes I find myself doing that and it hurts but how do I stop when I'm living with my mother who yells alot and me ex used to tell alot at me. I also have mild high functioning autism so how do I not yell when everything is coming at me all at once. By the way my mother won't listen to me and says that I'm not disciplining my kids right, it's really hard
@Erin Blondel My experience was that children are not ready for autonomy. That is a privilege that must be earned. And, if a child did not tear my doors off on the way out at 18, I did something wrong.
I’m sorry but calling yelling abuse just gets CPS called on that many more families. Should you yell at anyone? No. But yeah people do it. That doesn’t mean your an abusive parent.
‘Yelling’ Is it abusive? I think that yelling can be abusive, but it isn’t always. This is an interesting take on yelling, and I believe there is some psychology behind it based on past experiences, personal worldview, etc. It may not be one size fits all solution but I could understand why for some people it would be considered abuse. I believe abuse lies more in an intention than a tone I was raised in a home where yelling was a normal way of speaking and I believe that it did escalate to the point of abuse. I am 32 years old now, and I would’ve fully agreed with this doctor even four or five years ago, However I partially agree with him now. I don’t believe that ‘yelling’ itself is the issue, although it very often is. When yelling is manifested in unrighteous anger it’s abusive without a doubt. Weather that unrighteous anger takes the form of either ‘taking our day out’ on our child based on occurrences that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with us/someone other than our child, or if we’re not in our right state of mind while we are yelling. This is absolutely abuse on every account. However, I do believe there are times where it is necessary to CHOOSE to raise our voice in an authoritative manner toward our children to put the appropriate weight behind our words according to our best judgment as the parent. This should in no way be a frequent practice, but there is a time for everything under the sun, including raising our voice. For example, If our child refuses to obey our direction by ignoring what we say, or God forbid use the word “no” in response to our direction, we don’t have to be angry to raise our voice and let him know that our direction is ‘non-negotiable’ so long as we are ‘aware’ that we are doing so in a not so ‘reactive’, but rather ‘responsive’ manner. Sometimes they don’t get the hint until they see our authority escalate. This sort of escalation can also be demonstrated through body language by making ourselves appear bigger than before. On the flip-side, say you were perfect and never yelled at your children. Who is to say that your child wouldn’t grow up unequipped for dealing with the real world where people raise their voices all the time. Your child may become an emotionally disturbed individual and have a hard time navigating harsher emotions, and in turn resort to harsher tactics like shutting other goodhearted people off from their life entirely, based on their idea of what it means to be a good person vs. an abusive one. So are now we suggesting that people who raised their voice are bad people and deserve no companionship? I think that’s more harsh than the yelling. Just a thought… When our idea of right vs. wrong is merely subjective in nature then we have gone off course, so of course we would need these sorts of ‘never yell’ rules and emotional barriers in place to fill the void of what is absolute. Your kids need to see the ‘real you’ which more often then not should not be the “yeller.” Inner healing work can help us grow. As this Doctor said, It is all-ways a matter of “choice,” and we cannot choose if we are not present (pre-sense).
I wonder what he thinks about Abigail Shriers book Bad Therapy? Basically when he says yelling is abuse no questions asked. You go around telling kids they are all abused and trauma filled because they got yelled and sometimes for inappropriate behavior and guess what.....they believe you! I don't yell often but after 4,5,6 calm requests and corrections it's time to take it up a notch. Some kids respond quickly and some are just naturally more defiant and stubborn.
😂😂😂😂ooooh. so that's why little kids in target don't listen to thier parents, and they cry and cry and cry and cry....and the parents are just like.... enough tommy...and it doesn't EVER WORK. Because it's abuse 🤣🤣🤣🤣
And if your partner betrays you, or your child, you're choosing to feel betrayed, not that they've done something to make you feel that way. And if you're child is rude, disrespectful, yells, calls you names etc., you're just choosing to be hurt or upset, not that those things really do hurt or upset people. Right
I ask my children in a normal voice and then asked again and again and still they refuse to do what they are asked to do. I am 65 years old and have lost all patience. But you liberal people have missed the whole world up.
Man getting yelled at is treat, try getting beat... Parents are becoming softer and kids become less disciplined. Then kids grow up to be come adults wondering how they end up in jail, on street corners and having a rough adult life... Discipline is needed. With all due respect this is a politically correct video advice not real world advice
Yelling is necessary sometimes. There's a line of abuse for sure but kids need to learn respect and some kids will not learn without that aspect. It is a part of teaching them to read signals of when you're pushing someone to that limit. If you don't teach them that as a parent they won't learn that until it goes to far with others. That's a part of life
What happens when you don't teach your kids how to handle someone yelling at them and they get a job and their boss tells at them? I don't buy this at all. Kids need to learn this basic skill. You're crippling them to life by not exposing them to that understanding that even though mom and dad yell at me when I screw up they still love me. You've got a lot of good insights dr.d but this one is shortsighted.
@@coxrocks25 How so? I’m 33 and I’ve never tolerated being yelled at in my entire life. I’ve never been yelled at by a boss before but I can guarantee I would walk out. I’m not teaching my kid to put up with abuse like that
@@thorneto2742 because now he can't eat because every time he does something that might tick off his boss a little he's just gonna pick up his ball and pout home rather than recognizing that he might have messed up and do what is necessary to fix the problem. There's a line of abuse that people shouldn't tolerate but there's also a line where people need to be able to realize yep I screwed up something for a bunch of people and now I need to fix it. As an employer myself I almost never yell and that's what makes it so effective on the rare occasions where I do have to pull it out. But you bet yourself when I do that person has earned it. And if they don't learn that as kids they are crippled any time someone raises their voice a little.
Maybe let the natural consequences pan out and see how they respond/if they change their behaviours. That is, don't resist their saying no initially. What situations are you thinking of?
i listen to this show everyday but the one thing i don't agree with is calling everything abusive. back in the day when parents, yelled at there kids, spanked kids actually discipline kids we didn't have all the 💩 we have today in the world
Let me reframe your entire childhood for you from the wonderful household you grew up in to an abusive one first. Wow, how about just give her the tools she needs to work on herslef as a parent instead of wrecking her idea of her childhood. Crazy
So is being on your phone instead of paying attention to your kids abuse too now? What’s next? No wonder the birth rate is declining. I always wonder how this works with very young kids. Like your 14 month old that bites or something. How do you reason with a 14 month old?
It's ridiculous to think you won't yell at your kid. Putting unrealistic expectations on parents only makes you miserable and hate being a parent. Which in turn makes your child miserable. Best to let it out and keep everyone happy. 😂
Come on tell her how to not yell coz the reason is she repeating telling kids what to do but they don’t listen till start yelling come onnnnnnnnnnn This guy does. It make sense noooop
If it’s abuse, then you better keep abortions legal. There is no way that a mother can raise children without yelling at them at times. Fathers have the luxury of seeing them when all the problems have been taken care of.
On the fact that yelling is abuse, I think that people understimate children's abilities to survive normal stuff. I've rarely been yelled at by my parents. I would never think and no one that I know would consider me or anyone being abused. However, I think that finding solutions when you wants to yell as a parents and find solutions not to repeat the mistakes of yelling...
Yeah, this is where Delony goes off the rails and loses the vast majority of people. Yelling at your kids is not abuse in and of itself. Obviously if that is your default then that is reaching abuse levels, but getting someone's attention through yelling when they really need it is part of growing up in a healthy household where there is discipline. For Dr. John to just call her parents abusers after talking to this lady for less than 1 minutes is pathetic and I personally I would of just ended the call right there. Just because you have a Dr. title does not mean you are an expert when it comes to raising children, that's for sure.
When my daughter was about 4 she said, "mom, you know how you feel when your boss yells at you. That is how I feel when you yell at me." I never yelled again.
Never should of yelled at your daughter in the first place
I cant yell or talk loud because i was screamed at my entire life im 34 years old and my parents still scream at me if im around them and it takes me back to being a child wanting to unalive myself. Thats is my life and please dont yell at children i nearly lost my life at 12 because of this
The rule I made as a Mom was don’t even yell across the house to tell someone something. Want to talk, find the person.
That’s such an awesome move. I had to model this for a long time before the rest of the family got on board. So much more peaceful now
So important.
I like this a lot. Starting this tomorrow, for all of us.
I always have a fear of my dad always yelling so loud, and so much, it so out of hand, out of control, offensive, and completely intentional. I cried so much about it that my dad doing things deliberately, and intentionally on purpose. The yelling and screaming really bothers me, and gets on my nerves.😨😓
One important thing to note is that there's a HUGE difference between assertion and aggression. If people have grown up around the latter they may also be frightened of the former, which can be a real barrier in life.
It’s a fine line, indeed.
Thank you for pointing this out! I grew up in a home in which I was yelled at aggressively by my parents, in ways that truly could be counted as abusive when you consider what they were saying to me. As a result, for years as an adult I found it hard to assert myself as a result because I didn't know the difference, and didn't want to turn into my parents. Needless to say, for a long time it was incredibly hard to stand up for myself when the need arose. It really can be a huge barrier in life!
@@ravenestrella2310me too. It's really dysregulated my nervous system (screwed me up) and I've only just started healing from it this past year. ❤
As an adult having endured emotional abuse via being yelled at, I find myself battling a sadness that borders on depression often times, and I've become the polar opposite of my normal extroverted self.
Abuse is inexcusable.
I grew up with parents who yelled constantly at everything. I made a promise as a kid that I would never yell at anyone and I never have. I don’t think I’ve ever even raised my voice. I see now that it’s more indicative of the person yelling not being in control and throwing a tantrum. But as a kid you think it’s your fault. So yeah you can choose to stop the abuse cycle
As a kid, when my parents scolded me or hit me i thought this was all my fault that im a terrible child, now i get anger issues and want nothing but to punch them in the mouth so they shut it up, i wanna get those thoughts out of my mind, my mexican mom think its ok to parent with yelling, she told me at least 3 times before i hit 13 that she would never hit me again but she did, all the virtues of me were built on fear of being reprimanded by my mom, she isnt a bad person she has bad parenting skills, she yells she isnt good at controlling her emotions and today she even went crazy because i didn’t answer to her screaming at me and screamed and got angrier when i said “what do you want me to say?”
John: "Yelling is abuse"
Does he not realize Dave Ramsey is his boss?
Lol.
That's great! Let's talk to Rachel about her feelings on this. xD
Nice
You’re allowed to disagree with your boss
And Dave has earned millions while running his ship that way. People LOVE his rants, and wish they had a platform on which to shout. In fact, none of the junior personalities can do a proper rant, complete with insults and outrage while smiling broadly. When he is done, so is that show. It isn't financial advice. It is a show.
We wouldn’t want to be yelled at as adults so why is it okay to yell at children ? They are developing and we don’t use fear and control tactics to get them to listen . It’s one way to make your kids hate you and mess up their lives .
Thats why this country is fuckedup.
@@miketheyunggod2534 because parents dont abuse their kids as much anymore lol…? I hope you dont have kids…
@@troyspears6470 it's called discipline. We didn't have school shooters. Now we do because you aholes coddle your kids. I have kids and they know not to get out of line or they get whipped.
@@miketheyunggod2534 Well it is part of the problem---but the main problem is actually this, this comment... this social media, other social media. We speak too much on here and "other" people too easily. When in reality if we spoke in person more as a culture and spoke face to face with full tone of voice and body language we would be much better off with our differences. I'm not saying problems never happen offline out in the real world, but ever since we stopped focusing on our communities locally and instead starting focusing on media, social media, politics more and more... we're going downhill fast.
Sometimes that is the only way they will listen.
Excessive yelling is abuse. But I believe it's acceptable if it's used sparingly. Only in extreme situations.
What situation would warrent you to yell at a little kid
My mom used to yell at us as kids. When my sister and I got older, my mom one day approached us and apologized for her behavior. At the time I was thinking “nah she doesn’t have to apologize, she was right. We deserved it.” But it wasn’t until my adulthood I realized it did damage me. Any loud sound that has a similar tone to my mother’s voice will tense me up and fill me with dread. Still healing from it
You choose to be frustrated or choose to be angry. That's just great advice, period.
I don’t think you can choose if you feel angry. But I do think you can choose how you react to it.
Yelling is abuse, if parents/caregivers raise their voice consistently it sends children into fight or flight. It sends messages to your nervous system and brain. It changes and rewires your brain as well as cause autoimmune and all other types of illness and risk for many other risky behaviors (addiction).studies that prove that yelling is a form of abuse for the impact it has on the individuals throughout a lifetime. Don’t dismiss how harmful it is for someone to experience this in childhood and the impacts it causes. I hope parents who think this is ok would do research and reevaluate.
THANK YOU!!!!
@squid park Same!!!! I'm 52 and this is exactly where I am. I didnt even realize it was abuse until the last few months. BOTH of my parents screamed at us constantly. I hated my childhood and don't talk to my parents to this day.
I find looking kids in the eye and talking clearly works way better. But sometimes you need to raise your voice just to get attention.
He's not talking about getting someone's attention. He's talking about actually yelling at your kids because they did something wrong which is unacceptable.
My mom would yell so damn much to the point it was blood curdling hatred. I hear it in my head all the time now so
I am unmarried and don’t have any children, but I want to be this kind of parent some day.
If it's abusive to do to an adult, then it's abusive to do to a child. Prompt people who make excuses for yelling/spanking and you can easily get them to say things like we should bring the gallows back.
Idk if yelling is abuse or not but I know that not yelling has my 3 yr old son a lot calmer and I’m able to regulate his emotions a lot more. Not to say I never raise my voice, but as his father there’s power and authority in my voice that will scare him as so my wife. I never wanted my family to fear me. Only to love and respect me. You gain more respect when you communicate. My son knows when I raise my voice in a certain tone I mean business but that’s like 5% of the time. The other 95% I’m cool as a cucumber and only want him to understand
My parents yelled at my sibs and I when we were children but it was always after several nice requests prior to either do or stop doing something. We knew how far we could go before ‘consequences’ would be suffered.
Same here, and my parents divorced when I was 6-dad emotionally and sometimes physically absent from my early years so I can only remember my mom in the beginning. She had a lot of trauma she is still healing from (16 years later!) so I know back then she was struggling bad. She would only yell and get mad when my sister and I organize her previous requests a couple times. And she would never direct the yelling or aggression right at us, it was more of a general yelling out loud in the house like she would commonly say “I want to scream!!”
Now I won’t pretend that still didn’t have an affect on me. Not sure how much is from my dad’s absence and how much is from my mom’s emotional struggles and difficulty with regulating all of her emotions, but I have my own struggles I’m seeing as I’m adult now and I struggle with perfectionism and shutting down when people are even just potentially upset with me.
Still, I don’t want to rag on my mom. She did the best that she could at the time with the resources she had access to. I recognize it was far from perfect, but for my entire life I have known without a shadow of a doubt that she loved and still loves me with everything in her being. And that’s what holds you together in and after the inevitable mistakes. Even when she was upset and yelling to the house, I never doubted that she loved me and would stay with me, I just felt bad that I made her upset because most of the time it was because I didn’t obey. But that’s tricky because yes I didn’t obey, but it wasn’t my job to help make sure she kept her emotions regulated
Yelling is definitely abuse. Watching an adult having a meltdown is ridiculous.
Super facts. Husband likes things a certain way and hes a contractor and our house is literally the last thing he has times for. Sometimes i think renting would be a better option because someone would be held accountable. Thing is im not mad at him that he doesnt have time, i get mad and annoyed when hes like your not polishing this turd good enough. Im a sahm who homeschools, so ive noticed i yell at them to have things done a certain way its non of their faults. Its my husband and mine living condition. Husband is displeased with me, im displeased with house, i become mommy dearest and this is the day it stops. Prayers are welcome. ❤
We can do this ❤
You got this. It's been 11 months are you still holding yourself accountable? Best of luck.
Identity first: I don't like to drink/feel drunk. I am a healthy person. I am a person who doesn't yell, who doesn't let my kids have control over my emotional state. "I am choosing to feel frustrating right now". Different way of thinking about this. Keep locus of control.
I totally agree. But, I'm not a fan of when people advise to "control" their emotions because it implies that we have conscious control over what we feel (which we absolutely don't). It's all about staying embodied and being with the emotion until it peaks and then subsides, after which you should communicate with someone.
The second someone yells at me I stop listening. And the louder they yell at me the less I hear
Prob because when your parents yelled at you they didn't follow up with some corporal punishment
@@fauxbro1983 um no, who the hell would listen to someone yelling at them. Speak to me with respect and I will show it back
@fauxbro1983 Yep there's a good chance your children don't even talk to you and I would understand why.
You don't want your kids growing up wondering what they could have done or been if they weren't abused.
In the moment it might seem like the easy path with no consequences, but when they grow up they learn that you have capped their potential as adults by leading them down an adulthood path full of mental struggles that are unnecessary and painful.
From anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy and failure. It's not worth it.
Kids (or anyone) actually will zone out the unpleasant noise of screaming or shouting. There are a few studies of trauma and the link to ADHD (Gabor Matè reference). Ignoring you is a coping mechanism.
It’s advisable to rather be quieter, controlled and get to their eye level and communicate - so they can actually hear you, instead of fear you.
Understandably, you want a reaction and to control them. I understand the frustration, you pay/provide/cloth and feed them - but perhaps you are lookin for appreciation?
Also, the brain cannot comprehend a negative statement, especially when their is a high cortisol attack (which is what screaming at them is) - ie: “why do you never do your homework” … you need to always frame in the affirmative (ie; what you want to happen).
Lastly, just because it happened to you, doesn’t mean it was the best response… we do what was done to us.
Have a good think if its working, if it’s not, develop new tools.
Gabor’s books have literally changed my life ❤️
It’s pretty simple. You yell at kids, they will be scared to come to you for any future issues. Talk to them in a nice voice- they will come to you with all future issues. Plus yelling raises their blood pressure. When my daughters mom yells , my daughter itches her hands to the point they bleed.
But for people who yell, their cognition is not in the driver's seat. There is a build up of tension that they are unable to feel/manage/process that eventually hits a threshold until they end up yelling. The heart of the issue is, I believe, an inability to deal with your own sensations/inner reality.
I completely agree. It's abusive. 😞😖
Yelling scares the crap out of kids. It did for me...and it made me feel as if I had to regulate my dads moods by being good/better/perfect. I'd rather stop an action and be a better kid because I *understand* it's _wrong_ or _bad,_ instead of stopping it because I'm *scared.* Fear is NOT a lasting motivator!
This childhood prepped me to marry a raging narcissist when I was young. And, you guessed it, I took on the job of trying to regulate HIS emotions, just like I did my father. 14 years of pure hell, terrified, and 4 years out and still dealing with cptsd from the abuse.
I chose that guy because it was "normal" to me to have an angry, yelling husband.
Nope.
_Nope._
*NOPE!*
Oof. I feel this
I’m sorry but what mom on the planet does not at one time or another yell? Maybe I’m crazy but I don’t know one
My mom never yelled. It is not "normal" but she is a Christian God-fearing woman. Never lost her temper.
I don't remember ever being yelled at by either of my parents.
I know many and my mother never yelled
Rules without relationship =rebellion
I've read a handful of comments so far. I think most of the comments are confusing yelling with raising your voice to get someone's attention. Constant yelling at someone IS abuse. My mom was a yeller and a complainer. One time when I was a teenager she was haranguing me to the point I had a nervous breakdown/panic attack my whole body started shaking and I was hyperventilating. I literally couldn't catch a breathe. And she just stood there staring at me. She just walked away. Didn't even apologize. SO YES, YELLING IS ABUSE.
That's fucked up. Yall still talk or no?
My mother did not yell. But when she was angry, you could feel it. I think it was just as frightening as yelling. She came from a very abusive background, and she wanted to make sure she didn't yell or hit, which she didn't do. And she was a very loving person. I'm just saying that not yelling doesn't solve the problem. The anger and frustration you are feeling is the problem.
I’m experiencing this with my husband. He has agreed not to yell but the problem is the rage is still there and kids are not dumb. They can feel it. Stopping yelling is only the beginning and if you don’t address the issues causing the yelling then the problem just festers. A very frustrating place for all of us to be. He says “I didn’t yell” like he’s the best parent but I can literally feel the anger coming off him in waves.
I'm Filipino. Yelling is just how we talk to each other lol
I’v noticed
I’m from Glasgow brother. Same.
Perfect, now you have the privilege and honor of changing your family tree and explain to your children why your family is Not yelling
@@jevi134🎉🎉
Yeah, and it’s harassment in the Canadian workplace and I’m done tolerating it at work with my Filipina manager.
Did he say "You're parents didn't love you"?
I was shocked at that assessment. I wonder what he thinks or corporal punishment
He said "and your parents did love you". If you turn on captions thats what displays.
Gonna have to disagree on this one.
I didn't consider my mother's screaming/loudness to be abuse, but I knew if I didn't listen I could expect abuse to come next. She was raising wild boys to become good men and I think my brothers are great people. My mother had three kids and couldn't be in three places at once, I have no hard feelings.
I have one child who listens pretty well and screaming only happens when I need her attention. Every family is different and so are parenting methods. Lead with love.
As I write this I hear a neighbor yelling at her child "Get your a$$ over here!" Perhaps it is the content of your loud words that matter most.
Yeah, volume is not abuse. Abuse is overused so much, it's losing meaning.
When it comes to yelling. What do you mean by yelling? It can be abuse yes. It depends on your intent. It depends on circumstance.
Unfortunately, when our daughter was young, my husband and I fought too much and I yelled too much. She would often say "Stop yelling at me" when I was barely raising my voice, but she knew I was mad. I have gotten much better at not yelling now, but I wish I had done it sooner. However, using the term "consequence" when referring to bad choices unfortunately made her believe that a consequence was only negative. We then had to have a talk about the real meaning of that word and that consequences can be positive or negative.
Lmao, in America parents are concerned about yelling at their kids.
In Africa we give thanks to God if all our parents do is yell 🤣. This Africa is not for me. I'm coming back to my next life as an American.
That’s why there is so many dysfunctional households
There is a happy medium my friend. There is a reason why so many people here are anti-social..
‘Yelling’ Is it abusive?
I think that yelling can be abusive, but it isn’t always.
This doctor has an interesting take on yelling, and I believe there is some psychology behind it based on past experiences, personal worldview, etc.
It may not be one size fits all solution but I could understand why for some people it would consider it abuse.
I was raised in a home where yelling was a normal way of speaking and I believe that it did escalate to the point of abuse. I am 32 years old now, and I would’ve fully agreed with this doctor even four or five years ago, However I partially agree with him now.
I don’t believe that ‘yelling’ itself is the issue, although it very often is. When yelling is manifested in unrighteous anger it’s abusive without a doubt. Weather that unrighteous anger takes the form of either ‘taking our day out’ on our child based on occurrences that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with us/someone other than our child, or if we’re not in our right state of mind while we are yelling. This is absolutely abuse on every account.
However, I do believe there are times where it is necessary to CHOOSE to raise our voice in an authoritative manner toward our children to put the appropriate weight behind our words according to our best judgment as the parent. This should in no way be a frequent practice, but there is a time for everything under the sun, including raising our voice.
For example, If our child refuses to obey our direction by ignoring what we say, or God forbid use the word “no” in response to our direction, we don’t have to be angry to raise our voice and let him know that our direction is ‘non-negotiable’ so long as we are ‘aware’ that we are doing so in a not so ‘reactive’, but rather ‘responsive’ manner.
Sometimes they don’t get the hint until they see our authority escalate. This sort of escalation can also be demonstrated through body language by making ourselves appear bigger than before.
On the flip-side, say you were perfect and never yelled at your children. Who is to say that your child wouldn’t grow up unequipped for dealing with the real world where people raise their voices all the time. Your child may become an emotionally disturbed individual and have a hard time navigating harsher emotions, and in turn resort to harsher tactics like shutting other goodhearted people off from their life entirely, based on their idea of what it means to be a good person vs. an abusive one.
So are now we suggesting that people who raised their voice are bad people and deserve no companionship? I think that’s more harsh than the yelling.
Just a thought…
When our idea of right vs. wrong is merely subjective in nature then we have gone off course, so of course we would need these sorts of ‘never yell’ rules and emotional barriers in place to fill the void of what is absolute.
Your kids need to see the ‘real you’ which more often then not should not be the “yeller.”
Inner healing work can help us grow. As this Doctor said, It is all-ways a matter of “choice,” and we cannot choose if we are not present (pre-sense).
@@chazzfinster0074 this is a comprehensive and thoughtful post. We are all "victims" of victims and the level of self awareness, ownership and rectifying of our own wrongs with humility and love goes a long way in relationships and trust particularly with our children.
During times of severe stress I have yelled in an unhelpful/non directive way, horrified I may end up like my abusers I have apologised and explained that such a loss of control is not acceptable. No one apologised and rarely comforted me growing up in severe violence so fundamentally I know I'm not like them.
The times I yelled always originated from fear and catastrophising that their behaviour will spiral out of control with detrimental effects, as I've survived some horrific things. So I would agree it originated from a righteous anger of trying to protect the good.
Compassion and valuing true Peace are the centre of our home. God bless you.
I don't disagree that most yelling is abuse, but saying that growing up in a house with some yelling, and not thinking it was always an abusive upbringing is binary thinking, and taking it too far. Parents make mistakes, and as adults we should forgive our parents, because no one knows what they're doing when they raise kids. Yes there are parents who are over the line too often, and it bleeds insecurity and narcissism. Most parents care, but they lack the tools. I noticed my parents were much more mellow toward my younger siblings, because experience taught them not to overreact, and unless you're exposed to the stimulus how can you learn to deal with the emotions?
I'm probably wrong, and I don't have kids. This is just my option.
Thank you for being honest… From a person that does not have kids.
Please Listen to this segment again when you do.
@@rickardotorres I'm taking offense to how casually, and dismissively Dr. D called parents that yell sometimes abusive.
This is the most overly simplified thing that these PhDs do, and it's hard to take them serious when they casually dismiss things they don't like, and broadly categorize people into groups.
But thanks for not addressing any of my points.
I kind of agree. I've definitely yelled at my kids but I've also made an effort to apolgise to them when we've all calmed down and talk calmly about it. I yell much less now that we've got better communication.
My parents on the the other hand never did that. They'd be up in my face yelling at me. Never once apolgised, even when they were in the wrong about a situation. I would class them as abusive, they knew how much it upset us and just carried on doing it
@@AlannahGardener that makes a lot of sense, it sucks that some people decide to value their own ego over thier relationships, and being better people.
@@mowerds33 I think some people never want to change and I think those people are abusive. My parents still haven't changed and doubt they ever will!
You are brilliant! I wish more men would have the same values as you and not be ashamed to go against what the "norm" is.
I’m not sure I agree with this. Seems to me yelling would only be abusive if it was excessive or unwarranted. I rarely yell so if I do my kids know they’ve pushed it too far. It has helped us to gain an understanding of everyone’s limits.
Exactly I'm a super dad with my kids and they love me from here to the moon 😂 but if I scream at them they know they have push me to far 🤣
It depends on:
What you say
How often it happens
Why you are arguing
What you do as a result of the argument, e.g, do you turn your kids into your therapist? Do you lash out and say or do very hurtful things? Do you blame your kids or people around you for everything? Etc.
How you handle the arguments
It doesn't have to be physical or threatening to still be considered abuse or a toxic environment, especially for kids.
Agreed. As I was making a defense for yelling, I heard my neighbor cursing instructions at her child. Content is everything.
I think therapists give advice that guarantees they get repeat customers and not actually solve people's problems to become functional adults
God I needed this today
same
Me too
Yelling is also the normal tone of voice for most New Yorkers.
THANK YOU!
No.
Yelling is child abuse
It depends on the words coming out of your mouth. If you're just being loud to get their attention, no. If you're cursing them out or insulting them, yes. And in that case, it doesn't matter how loud you are. The issue is the anger. You should not be getting angry over petty things.
And if you're yelling about math homework, that's to be expected. Your frustration isn't being directed at the kids, it's at the thing that is driving both of you nuts.
But the kid would believe the frustration is directed at them because they can't do their homework. Kids may not see things the same way. For instance a parent may compare a kid to another in the classroom to motivate the kid to do better, but the kid may see it as telling them that there is something wrong with them because they can't do as well as the other kid. It really depends.
And I still think it's unnecessary to yell at your kid because of homework. You don't yell at them you scold them.
@@baristaz8834 Comparing anyone to anyone else is abuse. Scolding kids is abuse. They don't need to be scolded. A shepherd doesn't beat his sheep. You just explain a better way to do things.
@@bkucenski scolding a kid is not abuse, scolding isn't yelling. Scolding is telling a kid that what they did is wrong, explaining why and/or disciplining them for it.
Comparison is not abuse either, but it is wrong when done in a negative light or with kids without explaining positive reason for doing so, like teaching an older kid that they can do better or do as well as the student that does well in class.
Edit: nevermind I mixed up the words discipline and scolding, I don't think scolding is entirely wrong but it shouldn't be the default thing to do.
@@bkucenski you’re kidding right? If a kid does wrong and doesn’t get scolded then that’s abuse. You’re saying that’s okay to do wrong.
@@birdy808 stupid
What about other peoples kids? I like to yell at them too.
Love this!!
Great advice!
Notice your emotions, but use logic .
Thank You Dr. Delony, I have first hand experience with this growing up and then again with my children. I have worked in schools for over 25 years and have witnessed and dealt with children growing up in an abusive home.
Yes, yelling/screaming/shouting/loud voice, etc… is Abuse.
Parents: Read Dr. Gabor Mate’s book… Hold On To Your Kids
Gabor Maté is brilliant!
Drill sergeants must be really abusive then😆
Well at last when it comes to military---you willingly sign up for it. Children don't sign up for it.
@Erin Blondel what research links this? Please be specific
Uh… yes they are if they scream. It’s not as if it’s not abusive if it is in a professional environment
It’s abusive if it’s threatening. It’s not if it’s for corrective action.
Motivational speaking for the selective hearing crowd... sometimes you have to get their attention. 🤷♀️
Also screaming at a child is much different than raising your voice to impact a conversation.
@Erin Blondel ok let's take the semantics out of it. Reacting with rage filled emotional and violent *words* as a disciplinary tactic is a lot different than emphasizing what you need your child to stop doing or start doing with a raised tone of voice. When my 6yo is pushing his brother and I am inside and he is outside, I will not wait till I'm in a calm environment with a happy voice and then instruct Johnny to please stop pushing his brother because he's by the pool and that could be bad. I will raise my voice and say "Stop pushing him now!" And that is not abuse. That is needed directional yelling. If I then go off on an emotional tangent calling him names, labeling him as some negative thing, that becomes screaming. Saying "you should never ever yell, there's no need for it" is naive and incredibly incorrect. There are many reasons to raise your voice and yell. There are none for allowing your emotions to get away from you and scream and kick and punch. That is what I'm saying, and I really wish Deloney would have made that distinction before he abruptly told this poor chick she grew up abused.
@Erin Blondel I think we're saying the same thing and just don't realize it. Of course using yelling as a regular course of conversation isn't ok, but sometimes if you've got a hard headed kid you really do need to raise your voice beyond "nice mommy voice" and I don't think you or Deloney or anyone else can call that abuse. We live in a society that either constantly talks down and rude to their kids, or thinks that using anything other than soft sparkles and confetti to communicate with your kid is abusive. There's no middle ground and I guess when you take the middle ground people are going to beef about it.
Yea I'm Mexican so I disagree with this whole segment 🤣🤣
Did your parents make you pick your own switch?
I love this comment! Made me laugh. Also the switch comment below. Gold.
100% must be a cultural thing. 🤣🤣
😂😂😂
Meh. Nobody like yelling. Especially if your kids are born in America.
Unless you are yelling, "Fire!" to warn others or "Help" to get assistance then, YES, yelling is abuse.
Our parents disapline us for good reason, not because they are abusive. That's a dumb theory. They are our parents not our friends. I have friends I had parents.
What constitutes emotional abuse is very interesting to me. It's definitely nuanced and the individual child (or moreover person) involved is key.
Raising your voice in a relatively minor way, WITHOUT change in tone of voice, simply to make it known that this is important to you/needs to be respected is healthy, in my opinion. I would add that this should be done WITHOUT the intention of making the other person feel shame, blame, fear, etc.
The intention should be increased understanding around the implications of the action, rather than on impacting the sense of self of whoever is being spoken to.
Raising your voice in an overly way, especially WITH change in tone of voice (ie. hateful, spiteful, vitriolic, blaming, etc), I believe constitutes emotional abuse.
Attunement is crucial, and can only be practiced by speaking to someone directly/making eye contact, or at least viewing body language.
In terms of the person who has a tendency to yell, noticing initial body cues and communicating them when they arise, as opposed to reaching your threshold of anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment, etc, is the key 💚
You got this one wrong Johnny….🤷♂️
Why do you think so?
He yells every show
I stopped yelling when my son then was 7 years old, said to me, "Mummy, why are you raising your voice?"
Completely agree
1:00 this guy is fake af
The younger kids have become conditioned to her yelling in the household which is why they don't hear it anymore, they're immune to it. Then she yells more because they don't pay attention to her, it's always a vicious cycle.
There’s a strong link between screaming parents and children ADHD, as a coping mechanism (dr Gabor Matè).
Verbal attacks release cortisol in the child’s brain, which is the stress hormone (freeze/fight/flee) - and their whole system shuts down. Eventually, they zone that noise out - which escalates the parents frustration.
Exactly. Dissociation. Very difficult for people to come out of and very damaging to physical and mental health.
😢@@JDAfrica
I hope she has better luck ‘choosing not to yell’ than she does ‘choosing to talk’ into the phone
My mother said parenting did not come with a handbook. Yeah maybe, but there are handbooks available. maybe all maternity units should issue the handbook with the baby
I grew up this way
Pizza and 3 beers threw him across the line sheesh …. My life must be a mess 24/7
Or maybe, you aren't a person of a weak mental state that must continually analyze their feelings and learn coping tools so they can function in society...
It's funny how it's only the white people who say, "don't yell at your kids it's abusive". Not Latinas. I was raised by one and survived. I also respect all of my family who choose to yell. We are very loud people 🤣 when I married my white husband it took him some time to adjust. Lol 😆 I also have 3 boys sooooo yeah I yell to get their attention before they do something stupid and life threatening which happens just about everyday. 🤪 I totally get it though with not wanting to yell. I definitely get out of hand with yelling instead of just dealing with the situation immediately... I wonder what Dr. Delony thinks about spankings... 😆😉
Yes many cultures are like that and have much more respectful children. I'm Caucasian and see lazy, disrespectful children, but hey at least they don't yell. Eye roll.
I was raised in an Italian family. Yelling is our normal tone of voice. 😁
You lost her when you told her she was abused. There's a difference between raising your voice and abuse. Raising your voice to get attention after the calm voice didn't work isn't abuse. Abuse is degrading language whether you are yelling or talking softly.
No, my mom always told me she raised her voice at me and that it wasnt yelling but as a kid to me it was the same thing and anyone who "raises" their voice at me it makes me shaky and i shut down, it gives me alot of fear. Whatever it is to you does not matter if it fills your kids with fear.
It completely stunts the child’s self confidence
Yelling at a kid is abuse… you can reframe it as “raising your voice” all you want. If you yell at your kids more than once a day…. It’s abuse.
I woke up from my nap to my housemate yelling at another one and that triggered some bad childhood memories, so yes it’s absolutely abusive
I came from an abusive home where there was alot of yelling and I don't want to do that but sometimes I find myself doing that and it hurts but how do I stop when I'm living with my mother who yells alot and me ex used to tell alot at me. I also have mild high functioning autism so how do I not yell when everything is coming at me all at once. By the way my mother won't listen to me and says that I'm not disciplining my kids right, it's really hard
How does one force children to do exactly as instructed, when instructed?
It’s not about force . Rules without relationship equals rebellion.
@Erin Blondel My experience was that children are not ready for autonomy. That is a privilege that must be earned. And, if a child did not tear my doors off on the way out at 18, I did something wrong.
@@rebeccaoprea9917 Repressed rebellion that leads to toughness and independence is a good outcome.
TH-cam Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Mate
@@rickardotorres My children are grown and gone at this point.
What do you do when you are powerless to inforce consequence because of outside forcess...and being constantly gas light underminded.
I’m sorry but calling yelling abuse just gets CPS called on that many more families. Should you yell at anyone? No. But yeah people do it. That doesn’t mean your an abusive parent.
Exactly 🤣🤣🤣
Yes and nagging a husband/spouse is as well it's considered harassment and cohesion.
They need to know right from wrong and teach them boundaries
Which you can do from a calm state and by communicating on their level
Dr. Which book do you think it’s the best for tips on how to parent?
Not anything he wrote!
‘Yelling’ Is it abusive?
I think that yelling can be abusive, but it isn’t always.
This is an interesting take on yelling, and I believe there is some psychology behind it based on past experiences, personal worldview, etc.
It may not be one size fits all solution but I could understand why for some people it would be considered abuse.
I believe abuse lies more in an intention than a tone
I was raised in a home where yelling was a normal way of speaking and I believe that it did escalate to the point of abuse. I am 32 years old now, and I would’ve fully agreed with this doctor even four or five years ago, However I partially agree with him now.
I don’t believe that ‘yelling’ itself is the issue, although it very often is. When yelling is manifested in unrighteous anger it’s abusive without a doubt. Weather that unrighteous anger takes the form of either ‘taking our day out’ on our child based on occurrences that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with us/someone other than our child, or if we’re not in our right state of mind while we are yelling. This is absolutely abuse on every account.
However, I do believe there are times where it is necessary to CHOOSE to raise our voice in an authoritative manner toward our children to put the appropriate weight behind our words according to our best judgment as the parent. This should in no way be a frequent practice, but there is a time for everything under the sun, including raising our voice.
For example, If our child refuses to obey our direction by ignoring what we say, or God forbid use the word “no” in response to our direction, we don’t have to be angry to raise our voice and let him know that our direction is ‘non-negotiable’ so long as we are ‘aware’ that we are doing so in a not so ‘reactive’, but rather ‘responsive’ manner.
Sometimes they don’t get the hint until they see our authority escalate. This sort of escalation can also be demonstrated through body language by making ourselves appear bigger than before.
On the flip-side, say you were perfect and never yelled at your children. Who is to say that your child wouldn’t grow up unequipped for dealing with the real world where people raise their voices all the time. Your child may become an emotionally disturbed individual and have a hard time navigating harsher emotions, and in turn resort to harsher tactics like shutting other goodhearted people off from their life entirely, based on their idea of what it means to be a good person vs. an abusive one.
So are now we suggesting that people who raised their voice are bad people and deserve no companionship? I think that’s more harsh than the yelling.
Just a thought…
When our idea of right vs. wrong is merely subjective in nature then we have gone off course, so of course we would need these sorts of ‘never yell’ rules and emotional barriers in place to fill the void of what is absolute.
Your kids need to see the ‘real you’ which more often then not should not be the “yeller.”
Inner healing work can help us grow. As this Doctor said, It is all-ways a matter of “choice,” and we cannot choose if we are not present (pre-sense).
I wonder what he thinks about Abigail Shriers book Bad Therapy? Basically when he says yelling is abuse no questions asked. You go around telling kids they are all abused and trauma filled because they got yelled and sometimes for inappropriate behavior and guess what.....they believe you! I don't yell often but after 4,5,6 calm requests and corrections it's time to take it up a notch. Some kids respond quickly and some are just naturally more defiant and stubborn.
😂😂😂😂ooooh. so that's why little kids in target don't listen to thier parents, and they cry and cry and cry and cry....and the parents are just like.... enough tommy...and it doesn't EVER WORK. Because it's abuse 🤣🤣🤣🤣
And if your partner betrays you, or your child, you're choosing to feel betrayed, not that they've done something to make you feel that way. And if you're child is rude, disrespectful, yells, calls you names etc., you're just choosing to be hurt or upset, not that those things really do hurt or upset people. Right
I ask my children in a normal voice and then asked again and again and still they refuse to do what they are asked to do. I am 65 years old and have lost all patience. But you liberal people have missed the whole world up.
You're 65.....how old are your children? 😂
Yelling is not abuse
What a simple answer to a complex issue.
YELLING IS ABUSE YOU ******* *****
@@landondean4701 Writing in all caps is yelling on the internet, abuser.
@@bonjoursophie NO IT'S NOT. HOW DARE YOU PIECE OF ****
P.S. this is sarchasm
Why not?
@@landondean4701 I am now #1 VICTIM of the year🏆 and you’re CANCELLED
Man getting yelled at is treat, try getting beat... Parents are becoming softer and kids become less disciplined. Then kids grow up to be come adults wondering how they end up in jail, on street corners and having a rough adult life... Discipline is needed. With all due respect this is a politically correct video advice not real world advice
Yelling is necessary sometimes. There's a line of abuse for sure but kids need to learn respect and some kids will not learn without that aspect. It is a part of teaching them to read signals of when you're pushing someone to that limit. If you don't teach them that as a parent they won't learn that until it goes to far with others. That's a part of life
What happens when you don't teach your kids how to handle someone yelling at them and they get a job and their boss tells at them? I don't buy this at all. Kids need to learn this basic skill. You're crippling them to life by not exposing them to that understanding that even though mom and dad yell at me when I screw up they still love me. You've got a lot of good insights dr.d but this one is shortsighted.
@@coxrocks25 If my kids boss yells at him I'm going to tell him to never go back...
@@thorneto2742 and thus cripple him for life
@@coxrocks25 How so? I’m 33 and I’ve never tolerated being yelled at in my entire life. I’ve never been yelled at by a boss before but I can guarantee I would walk out. I’m not teaching my kid to put up with abuse like that
@@thorneto2742 because now he can't eat because every time he does something that might tick off his boss a little he's just gonna pick up his ball and pout home rather than recognizing that he might have messed up and do what is necessary to fix the problem. There's a line of abuse that people shouldn't tolerate but there's also a line where people need to be able to realize yep I screwed up something for a bunch of people and now I need to fix it. As an employer myself I almost never yell and that's what makes it so effective on the rare occasions where I do have to pull it out. But you bet yourself when I do that person has earned it. And if they don't learn that as kids they are crippled any time someone raises their voice a little.
Yes but what exactly are you supposed to do and say when you ask your kids to do something and no matter what, they say or yell no? I have toddlers.
Maybe let the natural consequences pan out and see how they respond/if they change their behaviours. That is, don't resist their saying no initially. What situations are you thinking of?
i listen to this show everyday but the one thing i don't agree with is calling everything abusive. back in the day when parents, yelled at there kids, spanked kids actually discipline kids we didn't have all the 💩 we have today in the world
Don't take parenting advice from someone that only has two kids...
In other words, don't take parenting advice from a parent?
@@77thNYSV read all the words.
Wrong, yelling is not abuse.
B.S.
Let me reframe your entire childhood for you from the wonderful household you grew up in to an abusive one first. Wow, how about just give her the tools she needs to work on herslef as a parent instead of wrecking her idea of her childhood. Crazy
You misspelled herself and he did that because yelling at children is verbal abuse.
So is being on your phone instead of paying attention to your kids abuse too now? What’s next? No wonder the birth rate is declining.
I always wonder how this works with very young kids. Like your 14 month old that bites or something. How do you reason with a 14 month old?
Meet their need ie. In that situation give them something to bite on as it's part of their development
It's ridiculous to think you won't yell at your kid.
Putting unrealistic expectations on parents only makes you miserable and hate being a parent. Which in turn makes your child miserable.
Best to let it out and keep everyone happy. 😂
Come on tell her how to not yell coz the reason is she repeating telling kids what to do but they don’t listen till start yelling come onnnnnnnnnnn
This guy does. It make sense noooop
If it’s abuse, then you better keep abortions legal. There is no way that a mother can raise children without yelling at them at times. Fathers have the luxury of seeing them when all the problems have been taken care of.
Not true! I didn’t yell at my son and I was a single Mom. Yelling is wrong and scares people.
I let my belt do the talking.
GET OFF MY LAWN!
On the fact that yelling is abuse, I think that people understimate children's abilities to survive normal stuff. I've rarely been yelled at by my parents. I would never think and no one that I know would consider me or anyone being abused. However, I think that finding solutions when you wants to yell as a parents and find solutions not to repeat the mistakes of yelling...
Belogne says yelling is bad..give them candy every day 😂…he insulted her parents without knowing them..good job liberal 👏
This gentle parenting is the cause for misbehaving kids.
Yeah, this is where Delony goes off the rails and loses the vast majority of people. Yelling at your kids is not abuse in and of itself. Obviously if that is your default then that is reaching abuse levels, but getting someone's attention through yelling when they really need it is part of growing up in a healthy household where there is discipline. For Dr. John to just call her parents abusers after talking to this lady for less than 1 minutes is pathetic and I personally I would of just ended the call right there. Just because you have a Dr. title does not mean you are an expert when it comes to raising children, that's for sure.