These children aren't allowed to get angry at their parents. People think that getting angry is a bad thing. They fear anger, they rebuke it, they stifle it because they don't want to deal with it. But anger is a useful emotion that has to be developed. It's like a flower seed - if it isn't cultivated, it won't be able to penetrate the dirt and see the sun, and it festers underground. There's an Aristotle quote about anger, it goes: "Anyone can become angry -that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -this is not easy."
@@questioneverything4394 All emotions are important to have and acknowledge. But any emotion can potentially become unhealthy if it overcomes a person's ability to think rationally. Regardless of that, supressing anger, even justified and rational, towards figures in powers is so ingrained in human societies. That's how societies maintained the status quo, hierarchies, and structure.
I think a big way people "get past it" too is by identifying with the aggressor. I think a lot of people learn very early on that being cruel can be personally profitable, and find it easy to forgive the cruelness they faced because they often acted out cruelty too. They were a bully in school, or they took it out on their brother, sister, cousin, they were cutthroat or at work,etc. They displaced it and made someone else carry the emotional load, and by externalizing it they didnt have to make it fit inside like those of use who were born with the innate sense of the holiness of human dignity. Like those of use who would rather carry the load and be crushed by it than make someone else suffer this thing we went through that we know deep in our hearts is so wrong. For them its like shaming an alcoholic when they a drinking problem too.
Yes. And they advertise themselves with the slogan, "Nobody is perfect": what it's effectively communicating is, "And if you're """imperfect""" too, we can be partners in crime!" [wink] [nudge] This is a whole phenotype of a personality arc. To add: once they dig into this they soon find that they cannot leave the hole they dug because the moral injury they unconsciously inflicted on themselves become too great to confront and redeem. And they begin to enter that alternate reality which says, "Domination is power and strength", continuing to self-brainwash and further dissociate; effectively becoming addicts to control, and ultimately if not even real then imagined control.
I am never a fan of the "them vs us" narrative. Everyone has their own circumstances, i don't think people were born into any holiness, just different ways to cope with their traumas. If you love yourself enough you don't need to constantly think of yourself as better or different than "the others", it will open room to understand we all have good and dark inside of us and that we can forgive mistakes we made and be better.
"And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" When the accountability bill comes due after 30 years dormant, like a Cold Case file.
I was looking through some old psychiatric records from when I was 10 years old (yes, ten). Doc wrote that I had “wonderfully supportive parents”-interesting considered she only knew my mother from the context of my appointments, and she never once met my father.
She was nice enough, but looking back, it was very clear that her technique was to make me the problem and help me become acceptable to my perfect parents.
@@saxachewon8062 Utterly disgusting, and another example of how society treats children and other vulnerable beings: with an utter lack of empathy. Children are literally dehumanized, they are treated as slaves tending the emotional needs of their parents. Quite like pet animals.
When I was very young, I remember thinking that I didn't love my parents and that if I revealed this to anyone, they would say I was a bad kid. You know you had a good childhood when your parents learned more from you than you did from them.
To me the worst kind of dissociation is when people, especially in my country, say 'My father would beat me up WHEN I DESRVED IT and thanks be to Gd he did!I grew to be a decent human being and law abiding citizen!" These are usually, from my observatiion, very judgemental and aggressive men with zero empathy.
I have to say that I used to be like that. I didn't think I deserved the physical abuse but I did reframe it as something that was eventually good for me. I was in such denial and those repressed feelings came back in a particularly turbulent period of my life.
It is frustrating that so many people are switched off, disconnected and sort of self gaslighting, and by gaslighting themselves they prevent others from giving themselves permission to be honest… so we all stay in pain in the dark, perpetuating trauma to each other and the next generation.
@@NorthLight-s9f I found out, with a lot of time and help (Daniel's channel among others), that when you let yourself feel pain fully, it goes away with its cause. What's hard is to sit down and relive the painful memories which we were prevented from feeling freely, especially as children.
I've met some good therapists. But I've also met a lot of therapists who had serious emotional, even psychological problems. Their profession was another coping strategy for them.
It’s money driven.. every script they write you gives them kickbacks. Also if you don’t heal, you have to keep coming back. Take your recovery into your own hands.. read books on it, journal, educate yourself
I had a childhood. Lots of neglect, no boundaries, chaos, no communications, siblings with schizophrenia/ psychosis and a lot of hostility, but after all, I had a -good- childhood. I was the youngest and despite all the chaos, I had food, clothing, a room, friendship and went to a decent school. Next to the neglect and hostility, nothing to complain about, at least i experienced friendship and love from other families.
Daniel, the man you are. Beautifully spoken, I believe, that your video has the potential to touch everybodies hearts and that it should be mandatory to be seen. Even though people have to be ready and at a certain stage of life and wisdom to accept this truth you are speaking and alot of times, people will end up denying and denying just like you said, this is the real truth. And I commend and appreciate you for speaking it and helping others formulate their thoughts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart❤. I wish you all the good luck and health in your life.
Everything seems to be done for denial purposes. I notice this more and more. I notice it in my family. Practically everything my parents' say, do or believe is said, done or believed because it fortifies the denial. Right down to their religion. And the defending, or claiming ignorance of, the child abuse they saw all around them when my siblings and I were children. When it finally becomes undeniable, they admit the smallest thing possible, a tactical retreat towards a more defensible position. You can see and hear it people all around us. When you see it you can't unsee it.
I disagree, I think a growing minority of people are starting to wake up to the fact that their childhoods were traumatic. I don't think things are regressing -- people have been living in denial about their childhoods for centuries. One thing that gives me comfort is going on the google search interest website and looking up terms related to childhood trauma. inner child, attachment theory, childhood trauma, etc were all low search terms until around 2020 where they started to pick up and every year they continue to peak. It gives me hope that people are trying to find out about these concepts and reflecting on their childhood.
@Orlando-qj7bh "I disagree, I think a growing minority of people are starting to wake up to the fact that their childhoods were traumatic" I didn't say there wasn't a minority. But I do notice that a lot of this "I got to a therapist" trend gets focused on trivial, almost neurotic, matters. There's a lot of "triggered" people - that doesn't mean they are aware of their trauma.
@Orlando-qj7bhI wouldn't take this for granted. Growth and progress are fragile things, there is a huge cost to this growth. People becoming aware, and especially going public with their newfound knowledge, can be explosive. Society, and individuals, fight back tooth and nail to preserve their denial and numbness. And confrontation often doesn't even make a dent in people's defenses. We walk a fine line, and our greatest responsibility is to protect our inner child and make sure it continues to grow.
@@allthe1 "And confrontation often doesn't even make a dent in people's defenses." The vast majority of people choose the path of least resistance at every moment.
"But I have given it my best" Expecting amnesty from one's own children why expecting them to suddenly be undamaged and healthy and great parents to proof that one did not mess up as bad is insanity. Behaviorism is not the right system and real adults need to learn to self reflect in a realistic way. I do not want to burden my traumas on others. I want this spiral to end with me. That is why I am working to improve it.
Thank you Daniel for giving me strength as a Truthseeker in this world. Its a very difficult and lonely path, but your guidance helps immensely. Much love
*Stands up and starts slow clapping* i've been a lifelong truth, seeker, in therapy and out of therapy, and I have experienced the things you described here at all the different levels you described too. Listening to you say these things out loud that I never hear anybody usually say give me chills. It feels so good to hear someone speak the truth.
My sister was diagnosed as an adult with a mental illness. They put a label on what I know is her dealing with our extremely abusive childhood. My parents and other sibling refuse to even consider that our family dynamics and generational abuse and trauma could have anything to do with it. It is much easier to throw up one person to the sacrificial alter than to dig deep and tell the truth. I do believe that these diagnosis and labels are just putting a bandaid on a wound that can't heal. It's so sad and scary. 😢
Absolutely agree Cathy, my fam tried to do this with me for sure! They offload everything they’ve done then and are totally ‘fine’ at the expense of the sacrificial lamb, I hope your sister knows you understand, I’d have given anything for this
@@cathybutcher4826 But it CAN heal. Only she can, though, for herself, if she decides to take her own side and go all the way. It's not for others to try and save us when they can't even save themselves.
@@Johannastairwellstudio I'm sorry that your family has treated you this way. I hope you're finding a way to heal. At least we can find channels like this one to help us so much. It sure isn't easy. Peace to you.
@ thanks Cathy, Yes Daniel is very helpful is identifying often what DIDNT happen as much as what Did. Keep well and warmest greetings from me in australia
so on the one hand i'm not sure that psychology at the moment knows how deeply related current problems are to childhood trauma. they call these things personality disorders, but then forget how ample the effect of even a single one is on the sufferer's life as well as forgetting that it came from their parents, in childhood. and then abusers are ashamed of themselves and so try to hide the truth and never be found out, and so will try anything to compel people to look away
Profound video. I find it easy to say my parents were abusive, neglectfull and sick in all sorts of ways(not that anybody asks). What I find difficult is connecting with my feelings, expressing them in some groups, grieving. Maybe that other part is not completely within my control, becouse it depends on exacly what you have said. But also with groups that do share those things, it takes courage to connect emotionally with sadness, grief, anger. Its scary as hell. I find myself trembling often when I try(defenses). Good video as always Daniel. Thanks.
Not all groups, however "open" they may present themselves, are suited for you. If you don't feel safer don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. Better trying to achieve this alone and safe. I've done both, talking publicly and looking inside while alone, and what I found was the best was the alone sessions. I also had a therapist who happened to be aligned with Daniel on this and I asked her to help me practice it. It was hard and painful because opening up in front of people, even those who make us feel safe, is the ultimate challenge Daniel has an awesome video on this, about setting up good conditions for the healing process.
I feel the same right now, very aware of what feelings are stored but unable to access them on my own, and too burdensome to expose to a friend and having seen hundreds of therapists haven’t found one who knows how to skilfully navigate to this space to allow release. Fear l may be jailed by the state for ever sadly. No ground in my small town to connect to like this. Keep well
I woke up angry this morning.................this video came at the perfect time, Thank you for making this video, Daniel. I feel validated hearing you talk about the denial of parents denying there children.......................6:00---They are going to be stuck, They can't grow, they can't develop, can't heal as people--all these problems are holding me back, I keep going back to my addictions--video games, I wan't to permanently change for the better, but, I keep going back to the games, when life becomes difficult
Forgive yourself for the addiction, you understand what’s underneath it, See if you can sit with and feel the feelings , give yourself a minute before the treat of videos Bit by bit feel stuff to heal. Keep well
@@geddon436 Addictions really are just distractions. I found that advice in recent years and it helped me a lot with mine: Next time you feel an urge, indulge in your addiction with full conscience, and observe yourself. What do I enjoy in this? How does it make me feel? How does It help me not feel? Don't get lost in it, but keep your attention on your reactions, your emotions, your thoughts. Observe yourself from start to end, and take note of everything. Don't judge, don't lose track, don't blame yourself, don't flatter yourself. Just do it and see what it does. You'll sense what kind of change you need if keep doing this.
@@Johannastairwellstudio I agree with this, I had to learn that sitting with my feelings, being uncomfortable, was ok and part of getting to the other side of my walls.
I experienced this myself. One reason a person say that he/she had a good childhood is because they want to take the responsibility themself - because some are mabe theyr own fault - and they actually think it was not about their childhood. Much easier blaming themself. Could have been a lot of punishment in that home… So denial of what happened. And I also think a lot is probably “closed trauma”. You were to young to understand. Mabe without “language” a baby or small child. Your nervous system remember - but you have no language.
Good point. To add to it, we're even grateful when we see other people/kids at school from a terrible situation and rationalize to ourselves, "Hey... it could be worse!"
I was wise enough in childhood to make it enjoyable. I knew that my parents were immature and not helpful. So knowing I had food and shelter I enjoyed doing things, like play. But I was a child so I certainly didn’t fulfill my own needs. I was just philosophical as I am today. I also don’t speak to my family because of their denial.
It's funny how people who call out others as "negative" are themselves being truly negative towards those people. A "positive" response to somebody truthfully acknowledging painful/difficult/hurtful things would be to acknowledge and seek understanding: to be compassionate. The true "negativity" is shutting the heart and being insular, ill spirited, without compassion.
Nobody has ever loved me consistently but myself, everyone always gives up on me somehow, and im very open about that, I've never denied how horrifically psychologically torterous my childhood was. I barely have a good thing to say about my parents.
I never understood how mentally healthy people avoided me no matter how hard I tried until late in life I built good habits, good diet, physical fitness and I suddenly found that I did not want to be around people that weren't healthy. It saddened me to find that in myself but it also prompted me to question my own feelings and motives in life.
What questions can be asked to a person who is still lost in denial but also open-minded? "This is all I know." -Linkin Park, Lost. It's tough to compare behind the curtains. TV sitcoms were fantasy compared to my world. When I went to friends houses, I assumed their parents were in "guest mode' on good behavior like mine when we had company.
Daniel you are cutting edge. I think you are right at the top of understanding personal psychology and trauma. No one else understands this stuff and explains it so clearly and logically as you do. I wonder if you see a cross section where psychology meets spirituality. I have begun relating trauma to spirit possession. they operate the same way. the trauma requires the individual to heal / exercise or they will be a host and pass it on. would love to hear your thoughts on this. best wishes! thank you for your work!
@@angelcathairs From what I can tell, from testimonies and people who experienced this, and from my own experience, I think all of our supernatural experiences are mental expressions of unmet emotional needs, so possession can clearly be an expression of buried trauma.
Thank you, Daniel, for speaking on this important issue of denial and the real truth of the matter. So many people in general, or in therapy, are completely unaware of the serious damage that was done to them by their parents, some remember, but defend their parents, or excuse their behavior, disregarding their own unprocessed emotions and trauma, stored in their body, which speaks the truth via many symptoms, of physical or mental health problems. 🙏
Where has this video been my whole life, omg. Thank you so much. I rarely feel seen when it comes to this, and I’m not even in denial lol I openly say I was abused
Unseen is the feeling I'm left with. That's why I love GPS navigation in my car - it shows me that I exist. A Question: is there any way to catch up or heal the missing mirroring from our parents? Any activities that can support this lack? Thanks
Out of all of the Chiildhood Trauma Speakers of Truth that I have listened to over the last 5 years, you are consistently in my top 3 favourites. You have such great insight and it is incredibly validating to hear. I 100% agree that most people, if not all people, have some kind of childhood trauma as a baseline, and the overwhelming majority are in denial. I agree that denial is a survival defense mechanism, and I underarsnd how deep this runs including for me personally for almost 5 decades. However for those of us who are on a path of coming out of denial and seeing things as they are, can be an extremely challenging and lonely path. And for this reason, I am incredibly grateful for your channel and for sharing your insights. You make a hugely significant impact on myself and many others here too. Thank you. 🙏
I had to cut ties from my mom. She doesn't change. She tries to go around me and go through my wife to side step my decision. I've cut ties with my dad before, but he apologized and said he takes it all back. It made me realize it was my mom who was the whole time. Im almost 40 with my own family and now finally healing.
The question is yes. The world is a world of pain. How can one find a balance between avoidance and perfectionism and hopeful positivity despite the horrors of real life. Perfectionism will say dont become a parent until you are healed and will be able to be a perfect parent.
"You open up answers that don't protect the family, society, school, siblings, religion, politics, leaders. Questions instead that lead to answers that have anger, injustice, frustration, sadness, bitterness, and then tears of grieving, the only way to heal."
I appreciate your bold honesty and willingness to speak the truth, Daniel. You’re the proverbial kid who said that the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes!❤
I think Children or Adults want to believe they had a good childhood, like the belief their parents are good or can only be good. To come to terms with a childhood is to address being vulnerable children for things not in our control. The past week I have been reflecting on 'fine-tuning' the trauma to grieve. Directing with clarity and healthy firm anger and internal resolve towards those figures. Yet what is freeing in adulthood is the capability to let go of childhood attachment figures and actually seperate and see them for them and you for you. Thanks Daniel Mackler there are very few people who really look and point where trauma originates from.
I know a couple who adopted a child years ago. The child is now in pre-puberty and is delinquent. They continue their lives normally, saying it's the genes' fault.
A "great/ perfect childhood" seems like a logical inconsistency. Anyone who had a loving childhood should be able to talk about the bad parts and not idealize it. They should be able to admit their parents made lots of mistakes that affected them negatively. Hiding all that is the red flag. Its hard for me to be around people who havent accepted the truth about childhood. Its rhe real red pill. BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE EVER DO? 5%??? what do you think? At least i have my sisters. We can all agree our childhood was awful because we witnessed it together.
I think most people don't remember or care about stuff that happened as an infant. The problems are the things that spawn from it and persist many years later into late adulthood, destruction of relationships, parasitic bonds, and potentially destroying one's life. Talking about childhood isn't going to fix present problems, only identify the roots for better decision making in the present.
It's interesting this popped up in my feed today, since this is something I've been wrestling with recently. I'd like to think my parents cared, but I've had to come to terms with the fact that, at best, they were very deeply flawed people who were doing what they could. My dad and I have a good relationship now, but it was not that way for most of my life. We both struggle with the same mental illnesses, and both of us were unmedicated while i lived with them, which caused a lot of conflict and strife. Realizing that many of my current struggles with connection and intimacy come from parents who i believed were the golden standard for relationships (aka I was one of, in not the only person in my friend group with divorced parents) was tough. I'm just hoping that realizing that will help me work on it.
Hey Daniel. I wonder what your thoughts are on the subject of the structure of the therapeutic relationship inherently mimicking neglectful and abusive relationships from the client's past. What I mean by that is that the power imbalance, non-reciprocal and transactional nature of the relationship and (sometimes quite arbitrary) boundaries can be retraumatising rather than healing for the client. I'm sorry if I missed any materials from you where you discuss this. And if there aren't any, I'd love for you to record some. Thanks!
I may not criticize but I also don’t believe them. I’m currently dating someone who is a very good person. But he is so delusional about his childhood. And his family is like a cult. I want to break up with him because of this deep denial.
Whatever he hasn’t faced WILL present itself in your relationship, his internal world will appear, please trust your gut and get some distance asap. Love from a partner doesn’t heal chronic internal trauma , he will have no choice but to project what he hasn’t owned onto the nearest object, you Take good care
@@Johannastairwellstudio i wouldn't say breaking up before anything even resurfaced is necessarily the answer, people can just work through things eventually
I am not true all the time, i have a lot to work on, and that is true, but if I ever have children, i want them to have a real good childhood, and if I fuck up, I fuck up, I want my kids to tell me that...
Yeah ive experienced that. Ive come to tearms with abuse I had witnessed as a kid as I was forced to sit and watch domestic abuse growing up by an abuser and when Ive told people about that some people empathize and are true friends but others in that state of denial in there own childhoods get scared and defensive about there own idea of what a "parentel figure" is. So they refuse to listen or judge me outright as though it was my 6,7,8 year old selfs fault that following my fathers death the "guardian" that came after forced me to sit and watch domestic abuse. One thing i can say has been a blessing from it is it has helped me identify true empathetic friends and those who are phonys. As the phony freinds will be scared and Judgmental when faced with a topic like that and the phonys leave and good riddance, they don't deserve my care if they're lack of empathy and sympathy is exposed to there face and the real empathizers and people at peace in there own mind relate.
God those fucking breathing techniques being pushed in my face like they are the cure to all my problems, counting doesn't help, breathing deep only gives me temporary respite, what I actually need is love and care, which nobody seems to have
it's a good question honestly in my case I have learned to see myself clearly therefore have become a relative expert in hiding the qualities that make me unpalatable. While allowing people to assume that I am both good and surprisingly mentally ill,from a "good" family.
It’s so important to make sure politicians and people with political power are blamed for our trauma. We should not have been left with just our two parents responsible for us. Human societies are supposed to communally share childcare and raising children.
People are allowed to have good parents, unlike the rest of us, being bitter teaches you nothing about breaking the generational curse of them and following it just because you wanna use ut as an excuse to be a shitty parent as they have done to you, time to break free peeps and.chamge the times, we hold the power not those shitty excuse of parents we had, no excuses
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These children aren't allowed to get angry at their parents. People think that getting angry is a bad thing. They fear anger, they rebuke it, they stifle it because they don't want to deal with it. But anger is a useful emotion that has to be developed. It's like a flower seed - if it isn't cultivated, it won't be able to penetrate the dirt and see the sun, and it festers underground. There's an Aristotle quote about anger, it goes: "Anyone can become angry -that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -this is not easy."
So true x
Anger is a healthy emotion x
@@questioneverything4394 All emotions are important to have and acknowledge. But any emotion can potentially become unhealthy if it overcomes a person's ability to think rationally. Regardless of that, supressing anger, even justified and rational, towards figures in powers is so ingrained in human societies. That's how societies maintained the status quo, hierarchies, and structure.
@@alexxx4434 Again so true Alex, Anger is a healthy emotion, it is how we express it that matters also x
No kidding. Family not only does this but society at large.
As you once said Dissociation mimics enlightenment
@@Zercfit Do you remember where he said that?
I think a big way people "get past it" too is by identifying with the aggressor. I think a lot of people learn very early on that being cruel can be personally profitable, and find it easy to forgive the cruelness they faced because they often acted out cruelty too. They were a bully in school, or they took it out on their brother, sister, cousin, they were cutthroat or at work,etc. They displaced it and made someone else carry the emotional load, and by externalizing it they didnt have to make it fit inside like those of use who were born with the innate sense of the holiness of human dignity. Like those of use who would rather carry the load and be crushed by it than make someone else suffer this thing we went through that we know deep in our hearts is so wrong. For them its like shaming an alcoholic when they a drinking problem too.
Whoa! You explained this almost too perfectly! You brought out a subconscious thought to consciousness.😮
Thank you!❤
Yes. And they advertise themselves with the slogan, "Nobody is perfect": what it's effectively communicating is, "And if you're """imperfect""" too, we can be partners in crime!" [wink] [nudge]
This is a whole phenotype of a personality arc.
To add: once they dig into this they soon find that they cannot leave the hole they dug because the moral injury they unconsciously inflicted on themselves become too great to confront and redeem. And they begin to enter that alternate reality which says, "Domination is power and strength", continuing to self-brainwash and further dissociate; effectively becoming addicts to control, and ultimately if not even real then imagined control.
I am never a fan of the "them vs us" narrative. Everyone has their own circumstances, i don't think people were born into any holiness, just different ways to cope with their traumas. If you love yourself enough you don't need to constantly think of yourself as better or different than "the others", it will open room to understand we all have good and dark inside of us and that we can forgive mistakes we made and be better.
Very well said ❤❤
"And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" When the accountability bill comes due after 30 years dormant, like a Cold Case file.
I was looking through some old psychiatric records from when I was 10 years old (yes, ten). Doc wrote that I had “wonderfully supportive parents”-interesting considered she only knew my mother from the context of my appointments, and she never once met my father.
Wow! That’s really hostile towards the patient. I’m not surprised but the gaslighting…
The doc wasn't on your side, since you got no power at that time
Therapists are the problem mainly in my experience
She was nice enough, but looking back, it was very clear that her technique was to make me the problem and help me become acceptable to my perfect parents.
@@saxachewon8062 Utterly disgusting, and another example of how society treats children and other vulnerable beings: with an utter lack of empathy. Children are literally dehumanized, they are treated as slaves tending the emotional needs of their parents. Quite like pet animals.
When I was very young, I remember thinking that I didn't love my parents and that if I revealed this to anyone, they would say I was a bad kid. You know you had a good childhood when your parents learned more from you than you did from them.
To me the worst kind of dissociation is when people, especially in my country, say 'My father would beat me up WHEN I DESRVED IT and thanks be to Gd he did!I grew to be a decent human being and law abiding citizen!" These are usually, from my observatiion, very judgemental and aggressive men with zero empathy.
It's the ultimate Stockholm syndrome. Most people actually identify with their abusers.
I have to say that I used to be like that. I didn't think I deserved the physical abuse but I did reframe it as something that was eventually good for me. I was in such denial and those repressed feelings came back in a particularly turbulent period of my life.
@@SisypheanRoller Good work at normalizing your own abuse I guess
It is frustrating that so many people are switched off, disconnected and sort of self gaslighting, and by gaslighting themselves they prevent others from giving themselves permission to be honest… so we all stay in pain in the dark, perpetuating trauma to each other and the next generation.
@@NorthLight-s9f I found out, with a lot of time and help (Daniel's channel among others), that when you let yourself feel pain fully, it goes away with its cause.
What's hard is to sit down and relive the painful memories which we were prevented from feeling freely, especially as children.
The psychology field is utterly fucked. I have been further traumatised by completely inept shit therapists.
I've met some good therapists. But I've also met a lot of therapists who had serious emotional, even psychological problems. Their profession was another coping strategy for them.
It’s money driven.. every script they write you gives them kickbacks. Also if you don’t heal, you have to keep coming back. Take your recovery into your own hands.. read books on it, journal, educate yourself
its a good hustle
I was stalked by my psychiatrist .
My most vicious bullies are now clinical psychologists. I fear for their clients.
I had a childhood. Lots of neglect, no boundaries, chaos, no communications, siblings with schizophrenia/ psychosis and a lot of hostility, but after all, I had a -good- childhood. I was the youngest and despite all the chaos, I had food, clothing, a room, friendship and went to a decent school. Next to the neglect and hostility, nothing to complain about, at least i experienced friendship and love from other families.
Daniel, the man you are. Beautifully spoken, I believe, that your video has the potential to touch everybodies hearts and that it should be mandatory to be seen. Even though people have to be ready and at a certain stage of life and wisdom to accept this truth you are speaking and alot of times, people will end up denying and denying just like you said, this is the real truth. And I commend and appreciate you for speaking it and helping others formulate their thoughts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart❤. I wish you all the good luck and health in your life.
I'm terrified that more and more I see our culture increasing the language of abusive parenting and sideing with abusers. So much regression.
Everything seems to be done for denial purposes. I notice this more and more. I notice it in my family. Practically everything my parents' say, do or believe is said, done or believed because it fortifies the denial. Right down to their religion. And the defending, or claiming ignorance of, the child abuse they saw all around them when my siblings and I were children. When it finally becomes undeniable, they admit the smallest thing possible, a tactical retreat towards a more defensible position. You can see and hear it people all around us. When you see it you can't unsee it.
I disagree, I think a growing minority of people are starting to wake up to the fact that their childhoods were traumatic. I don't think things are regressing -- people have been living in denial about their childhoods for centuries. One thing that gives me comfort is going on the google search interest website and looking up terms related to childhood trauma. inner child, attachment theory, childhood trauma, etc were all low search terms until around 2020 where they started to pick up and every year they continue to peak. It gives me hope that people are trying to find out about these concepts and reflecting on their childhood.
@Orlando-qj7bh
"I disagree, I think a growing minority of people are starting to wake up to the fact that their childhoods were traumatic"
I didn't say there wasn't a minority. But I do notice that a lot of this "I got to a therapist" trend gets focused on trivial, almost neurotic, matters. There's a lot of "triggered" people - that doesn't mean they are aware of their trauma.
@Orlando-qj7bhI wouldn't take this for granted. Growth and progress are fragile things, there is a huge cost to this growth. People becoming aware, and especially going public with their newfound knowledge, can be explosive. Society, and individuals, fight back tooth and nail to preserve their denial and numbness.
And confrontation often doesn't even make a dent in people's defenses. We walk a fine line, and our greatest responsibility is to protect our inner child and make sure it continues to grow.
@@allthe1
"And confrontation often doesn't even make a dent in people's defenses."
The vast majority of people choose the path of least resistance at every moment.
Just living in this crazy dysfunctional society can be traumatizing
"But I have given it my best"
Expecting amnesty from one's own children why expecting them to suddenly be undamaged and healthy and great parents to proof that one did not mess up as bad is insanity.
Behaviorism is not the right system and real adults need to learn to self reflect in a realistic way.
I do not want to burden my traumas on others.
I want this spiral to end with me.
That is why I am working to improve it.
You're a hero for speaking out. And a very consistent one at that.
Also: Merry christmas, the time of festive denial with your loved ones.
Good description of what christmas is for most people. Cheers.
"Merry christmas, the time of festive denial with your loved ones."
Not spending "quality time" with the family is the first step.
@@the81kid For real. Been doing just that these past couple years!
I finally disclosed abusive upbringing to family friend - and they recoiled! Now they won't see me. I couldn't believe it.
I'm sorry :( Know that you are worthy having truly kind and safe people in your life
Thank you Daniel for giving me strength as a Truthseeker in this world. Its a very difficult and lonely path, but your guidance helps immensely. Much love
*Stands up and starts slow clapping* i've been a lifelong truth, seeker, in therapy and out of therapy, and I have experienced the things you described here at all the different levels you described too. Listening to you say these things out loud that I never hear anybody usually say give me chills. It feels so good to hear someone speak the truth.
Man, I'd pay money to listen to this guy on a 3 hour long podcast with somebody.
Ya me to haha
My sister was diagnosed as an adult with a mental illness. They put a label on what I know is her dealing with our extremely abusive childhood. My parents and other sibling refuse to even consider that our family dynamics and generational abuse and trauma could have anything to do with it. It is much easier to throw up one person to the sacrificial alter than to dig deep and tell the truth. I do believe that these diagnosis and labels are just putting a bandaid on a wound that can't heal. It's so sad and scary. 😢
Absolutely agree Cathy, my fam tried to do this with me for sure! They offload everything they’ve done then and are totally ‘fine’ at the expense of the sacrificial lamb, I hope your sister knows you understand, I’d have given anything for this
@@cathybutcher4826 But it CAN heal. Only she can, though, for herself, if she decides to take her own side and go all the way.
It's not for others to try and save us when they can't even save themselves.
@allthe1 Yes, you're right. Thank you for your kindness. ❤️
@@Johannastairwellstudio I'm sorry that your family has treated you this way. I hope you're finding a way to heal. At least we can find channels like this one to help us so much. It sure isn't easy. Peace to you.
@ thanks Cathy, Yes Daniel is very helpful is identifying often what DIDNT happen as much as what
Did. Keep well and warmest greetings from me in australia
Thank you for another excellent broadcast!
so on the one hand i'm not sure that psychology at the moment knows how deeply related current problems are to childhood trauma. they call these things personality disorders, but then forget how ample the effect of even a single one is on the sufferer's life as well as forgetting that it came from their parents, in childhood.
and then abusers are ashamed of themselves and so try to hide the truth and never be found out, and so will try anything to compel people to look away
Great video, Daniel. Thank you for your courage and honesty.
Profound video.
I find it easy to say my parents were abusive, neglectfull and sick in all sorts of ways(not that anybody asks). What I find difficult is connecting with my feelings, expressing them in some groups, grieving. Maybe that other part is not completely within my control, becouse it depends on exacly what you have said. But also with groups that do share those things, it takes courage to connect emotionally with sadness, grief, anger. Its scary as hell. I find myself trembling often when I try(defenses). Good video as always Daniel. Thanks.
Not all groups, however "open" they may present themselves, are suited for you. If you don't feel safer don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. Better trying to achieve this alone and safe.
I've done both, talking publicly and looking inside while alone, and what I found was the best was the alone sessions. I also had a therapist who happened to be aligned with Daniel on this and I asked her to help me practice it. It was hard and painful because opening up in front of people, even those who make us feel safe, is the ultimate challenge
Daniel has an awesome video on this, about setting up good conditions for the healing process.
I feel the same right now, very aware of what feelings are stored but unable to access them on my own, and too burdensome to expose to a friend and having seen hundreds of therapists haven’t found one who knows how to skilfully navigate to this space to allow release. Fear l may be jailed by the state for ever sadly. No ground in my small town to connect to like this. Keep well
It takes time. Acceptance is the first step.
I woke up angry this morning.................this video came at the perfect time, Thank you for making this video, Daniel. I feel validated hearing you talk about the denial of parents denying there children.......................6:00---They are going to be stuck, They can't grow, they can't develop, can't heal as people--all these problems are holding me back, I keep going back to my addictions--video games, I wan't to permanently change for the better, but, I keep going back to the games, when life becomes difficult
Forgive yourself for the addiction, you understand what’s underneath it, See if you can sit with and feel the feelings , give yourself a minute before the treat of videos Bit by bit feel stuff to heal. Keep well
@@geddon436 Addictions really are just distractions. I found that advice in recent years and it helped me a lot with mine:
Next time you feel an urge, indulge in your addiction with full conscience, and observe yourself. What do I enjoy in this? How does it make me feel? How does It help me not feel? Don't get lost in it, but keep your attention on your reactions, your emotions, your thoughts. Observe yourself from start to end, and take note of everything. Don't judge, don't lose track, don't blame yourself, don't flatter yourself. Just do it and see what it does.
You'll sense what kind of change you need if keep doing this.
@@Johannastairwellstudio I agree with this, I had to learn that sitting with my feelings, being uncomfortable, was ok and part of getting to the other side of my walls.
I experienced this myself. One reason a person say that he/she had a good childhood is because they want to take the responsibility themself - because some are mabe theyr own fault - and they actually think it was not about their childhood. Much easier blaming themself. Could have been a lot of punishment in that home… So denial of what happened. And I also think a lot is probably “closed trauma”. You were to young to understand. Mabe without “language” a baby or small child. Your nervous system remember - but you have no language.
Good point. To add to it, we're even grateful when we see other people/kids at school from a terrible situation and rationalize to ourselves, "Hey... it could be worse!"
Spot on
I was wise enough in childhood to make it enjoyable. I knew that my parents were immature and not helpful. So knowing I had food and shelter I enjoyed doing things, like play. But I was a child so I certainly didn’t fulfill my own needs. I was just philosophical as I am today. I also don’t speak to my family because of their denial.
Every line in this video is just pure gold. Thanks for always posting so many insightful things
Thank you Daniel, you help me heal. I can see in the dark, I´m no affaid, the light comes from within
It's funny how people who call out others as "negative" are themselves being truly negative towards those people. A "positive" response to somebody truthfully acknowledging painful/difficult/hurtful things would be to acknowledge and seek understanding: to be compassionate. The true "negativity" is shutting the heart and being insular, ill spirited, without compassion.
Yes the irony is alarming eh The self justified superior smug response of most folk is alarming
Nobody has ever loved me consistently but myself, everyone always gives up on me somehow, and im very open about that, I've never denied how horrifically psychologically torterous my childhood was. I barely have a good thing to say about my parents.
I never understood how mentally healthy people avoided me no matter how hard I tried until late in life I built good habits, good diet, physical fitness and I suddenly found that I did not want to be around people that weren't healthy. It saddened me to find that in myself but it also prompted me to question my own feelings and motives in life.
Thanks, Daniel. Your words provide great comfort to those of us going through this process this holiday season
What questions can be asked to a person who is still lost in denial but also open-minded?
"This is all I know." -Linkin Park, Lost. It's tough to compare behind the curtains. TV sitcoms were fantasy compared to my world. When I went to friends houses, I assumed their parents were in "guest mode' on good behavior like mine when we had company.
Daniel you are cutting edge. I think you are right at the top of understanding personal psychology and trauma. No one else understands this stuff and explains it so clearly and logically as you do. I wonder if you see a cross section where psychology meets spirituality. I have begun relating trauma to spirit possession. they operate the same way. the trauma requires the individual to heal / exercise or they will be a host and pass it on. would love to hear your thoughts on this. best wishes! thank you for your work!
@@angelcathairs From what I can tell, from testimonies and people who experienced this, and from my own experience, I think all of our supernatural experiences are mental expressions of unmet emotional needs, so possession can clearly be an expression of buried trauma.
Great video, Daniel! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
❤🙂 Thank you, Daniel!
Thank you, Daniel, for speaking on this important issue of denial and the real truth of the matter.
So many people in general, or in therapy, are completely unaware of the serious damage that was done to them by their parents, some remember, but defend their parents, or excuse their behavior, disregarding their own unprocessed emotions and trauma, stored in their body, which speaks the truth via many symptoms, of physical or mental health problems. 🙏
Thank you Daniel. I think this is one of your best videos so far. Thank you for validating my experience and helping me heal.
Wonderful truths as always ! Thank you Daniel 🙏🏽🩷
Where has this video been my whole life, omg. Thank you so much. I rarely feel seen when it comes to this, and I’m not even in denial lol I openly say I was abused
Unseen is the feeling I'm left with. That's why I love GPS navigation in my car - it shows me that I exist.
A Question: is there any way to catch up or heal the missing mirroring from our parents? Any activities that can support this lack? Thanks
Omg that’s so true! I also feel invisible basically and have to really force myself to believe l matter and exist
Out of all of the Chiildhood Trauma Speakers of Truth that I have listened to over the last 5 years, you are consistently in my top 3 favourites.
You have such great insight and it is incredibly validating to hear. I 100% agree that most people, if not all people, have some kind of childhood trauma as a baseline, and the overwhelming majority are in denial.
I agree that denial is a survival defense mechanism, and I underarsnd how deep this runs including for me personally for almost 5 decades.
However for those of us who are on a path of coming out of denial and seeing things as they are, can be an extremely challenging and lonely path.
And for this reason, I am incredibly grateful for your channel and for sharing your insights.
You make a hugely significant impact on myself and many others here too.
Thank you. 🙏
I had to cut ties from my mom. She doesn't change. She tries to go around me and go through my wife to side step my decision. I've cut ties with my dad before, but he apologized and said he takes it all back. It made me realize it was my mom who was the whole time. Im almost 40 with my own family and now finally healing.
The question is yes. The world is a world of pain. How can one find a balance between avoidance and perfectionism and hopeful positivity despite the horrors of real life. Perfectionism will say dont become a parent until you are healed and will be able to be a perfect parent.
Wonderfully insightful video, as always. Thank you, Daniel.
"You open up answers that don't protect the family, society, school, siblings, religion, politics, leaders.
Questions instead that lead to answers that have anger, injustice, frustration, sadness, bitterness, and then tears of grieving, the only way to heal."
Daniel, I really needed this today. Thank you.
you are the best, adressing these controversial topics.
10:30
Thank YOU for existing Daniel ♥️
I appreciate your bold honesty and willingness to speak the truth, Daniel.
You’re the proverbial kid who said that the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes!❤
I think Children or Adults want to believe they had a good childhood, like the belief their parents are good or can only be good.
To come to terms with a childhood is to address being vulnerable children for things not in our control.
The past week I have been reflecting on 'fine-tuning' the trauma to grieve. Directing with clarity and healthy firm anger and internal resolve towards those figures.
Yet what is freeing in adulthood is the capability to let go of childhood attachment figures and actually seperate and see them for them and you for you.
Thanks Daniel Mackler there are very few people who really look and point where trauma originates from.
Thank you for sharing this. It makes so much sense!
We need more psychotherapist like Daniel he is rare. 💎✨
Thx Daniel ! ❤
you are so good, your insight is so valuable today
This was exactly what I needed right now. Thank you.
"Oh, just forgive your parents."
Too true for words.
I know a couple who adopted a child years ago. The child is now in pre-puberty and is delinquent. They continue their lives normally, saying it's the genes' fault.
God bless this man! 🫂💖
Has anybody heard of some one who has bit their hand since childhood.
I bite my nails since childhood, my sister chews on her cuticles. it's a self soothing mechanism yeah
Mike Tyson was biting his glove during the whole Jake Paul fight. Afterwards in the interview when asked about it he said he has a biting fixation.
A "great/ perfect childhood" seems like a logical inconsistency. Anyone who had a loving childhood should be able to talk about the bad parts and not idealize it. They should be able to admit their parents made lots of mistakes that affected them negatively. Hiding all that is the red flag.
Its hard for me to be around people who havent accepted the truth about childhood. Its rhe real red pill.
BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE EVER DO?
5%??? what do you think?
At least i have my sisters. We can all agree our childhood was awful because we witnessed it together.
Profound as usual
Bless your heart
Good job💯👊🏾
Salute Capt 🫡 🖖
There is a mix of good and bad in some childhoods.
I think most people don't remember or care about stuff that happened as an infant.
The problems are the things that spawn from it and persist many years later into late adulthood, destruction of relationships, parasitic bonds, and potentially destroying one's life.
Talking about childhood isn't going to fix present problems, only identify the roots for better decision making in the present.
It's interesting this popped up in my feed today, since this is something I've been wrestling with recently. I'd like to think my parents cared, but I've had to come to terms with the fact that, at best, they were very deeply flawed people who were doing what they could. My dad and I have a good relationship now, but it was not that way for most of my life. We both struggle with the same mental illnesses, and both of us were unmedicated while i lived with them, which caused a lot of conflict and strife. Realizing that many of my current struggles with connection and intimacy come from parents who i believed were the golden standard for relationships (aka I was one of, in not the only person in my friend group with divorced parents) was tough. I'm just hoping that realizing that will help me work on it.
Actually if I'd had a good childhood, people would say "You've had such an easy life, you're just spoilt"‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
Hey Daniel. I wonder what your thoughts are on the subject of the structure of the therapeutic relationship inherently mimicking neglectful and abusive relationships from the client's past. What I mean by that is that the power imbalance, non-reciprocal and transactional nature of the relationship and (sometimes quite arbitrary) boundaries can be retraumatising rather than healing for the client. I'm sorry if I missed any materials from you where you discuss this. And if there aren't any, I'd love for you to record some. Thanks!
The parents will never really realise we are right
Our emotions are real and valid
I may not criticize but I also don’t believe them. I’m currently dating someone who is a very good person. But he is so delusional about his childhood. And his family is like a cult. I want to break up with him because of this deep denial.
Whatever he hasn’t faced WILL present itself in your relationship, his internal world will appear, please trust your gut and get some distance asap. Love from a partner doesn’t heal chronic internal trauma , he will have no choice but to project what he hasn’t owned onto the nearest object, you Take good care
@@Johannastairwellstudio i wouldn't say breaking up before anything even resurfaced is necessarily the answer, people can just work through things eventually
When I bring big up my childhood people give blank faces, nod and then it’s quiet.
You gotta be careful. Some audiences it's just better to lie and say they did the best they could.
thank you
I am not true all the time, i have a lot to work on, and that is true, but if I ever have children, i want them to have a real good childhood, and if I fuck up, I fuck up, I want my kids to tell me that...
Yeah ive experienced that. Ive come to tearms with abuse I had witnessed as a kid as I was forced to sit and watch domestic abuse growing up by an abuser and when Ive told people about that some people empathize and are true friends but others in that state of denial in there own childhoods get scared and defensive about there own idea of what a "parentel figure" is. So they refuse to listen or judge me outright as though it was my 6,7,8 year old selfs fault that following my fathers death the "guardian" that came after forced me to sit and watch domestic abuse. One thing i can say has been a blessing from it is it has helped me identify true empathetic friends and those who are phonys. As the phony freinds will be scared and Judgmental when faced with a topic like that and the phonys leave and good riddance, they don't deserve my care if they're lack of empathy and sympathy is exposed to there face and the real empathizers and people at peace in there own mind relate.
Sitting! ❤
🙏🙏🙏
But we mustn’t play the victim roll of course.
0:07 except for when Eminem battle rapped against Clarence who’s parents had a real nice marriage in 8 mile 😂
God those fucking breathing techniques being pushed in my face like they are the cure to all my problems, counting doesn't help, breathing deep only gives me temporary respite, what I actually need is love and care, which nobody seems to have
How have you developed as a person by reflecting on your childhood?
it's a good question honestly in my case I have learned to see myself clearly therefore have become a relative expert in hiding the qualities that make me unpalatable. While allowing people to assume that I am both good and surprisingly mentally ill,from a "good" family.
It’s so important to make sure politicians and people with political power are blamed for our trauma. We should not have been left with just our two parents responsible for us. Human societies are supposed to communally share childcare and raising children.
7th!
People are allowed to have good parents, unlike the rest of us, being bitter teaches you nothing about breaking the generational curse of them and following it just because you wanna use ut as an excuse to be a shitty parent as they have done to you, time to break free peeps and.chamge the times, we hold the power not those shitty excuse of parents we had, no excuses