Hey Friends! Thanks for watching!! If this resonated with you, you'll want to sign up for the FREE WEBCLASS I'm offering on how to heal and recover from codependency and narcissistic abuse so you NEVER fall prey to emotional manipulation and psychological abuse ever again! HERE'S THE LINK: www.tamiem.info/freeclass
Them: 'No, thats not what I said/not what I did' Me: knowing the game **produced screenshots/emails/chat messages*** for all to see. The preface it, yes Ill know you're about to start playing victim, because you feel attacked. But really, its always been you, playing passive aggressive and NOW everyone gets to see how you really play... Them: 😮 Me: 🤪😜😝😆😆😆🖐*ciao* (leaves them to deal with the fall out)
Once you know that they are a narcissist don't waist your time and energy, just go no contact and be done, it's not your fault you bumped into a predator, and stop the emotional thinking about them, they are not worth it.
I have now 95% accepted this common term in these recovery communities about NPD types as "predator" indeed. Looking back, there is a circle and rhyme and rhythm to that tune unfortunately. They're good at wearing a mask for a while... But once that starts to slip.. you can look back and connect the dots to everything about how they treated other people (or mistreated I should say) and it all makes sense finally
Soul-sucking. I felt negative vibes if I was "too happy", "too enthusiastic", "too loud", whatever. To survive, I toned down my personality to the point I nearly disappeared. Demonic in a way.
NEVER EVER EVER, MAKE YOURSELF SMALL SO THEY CAN FALSELY FEEL “BIGGER.” Albeit, they are THEE BIGGEST PSYCHOS you can possibly come in contact with. Protect yourself…always!
They belittle you. When they're acting covertly, they'll do it as a 'joke', or make it look as if they care about you. Once they've done that, you feel as if 'you lost', and then you feel the urge to prove yourself to them. I think of it as a gambler's desire to gain back what they've lost. It's an ego thing. We don't need to prove ourselves to these creeps!
My favorite is their DESTRUCTIVE criticism presented as constructive criticism.. before it comes for you you'll hear them do it about other people out of concern supposedly or basically all but smiling while they THINK THEY'RE one-uping some stranger not in the room, etc
We cannot lose what we never had and we never had a loving relationship with these narcissists, they pretended to be a part of your life while sucking us in only to reject us one more time.
I told mine without knowing about Narcissism. They don't respect anyone or there interlect. Condescending. They are never wrong. They know everything. I did the wrong thing. Gave it to him. He didn't say a word.
I'm new here. I'm 60, and, just over the past few months, I've come to understand the "problem" with my mother is that she's a covert narcissist. And, I thought a covert narcissist IS a "phony"! Before I realized she's a narcissist, I knew she was a phony! Boy....it's TOUGH when it's your mother! Thanks for this video.....I've got lots to learn, and God's pouring it in faster than I can take it in! LOL
My mother was a malignant covert narcissist. I get it. Your job is to take care of yourself, even if you have to distance yourself from her. Make sure she's safe and her fundamental needs are met. We don't have to abandon them entirely. Beyond that, you owe her nothing if she's harmful to your well-being. 💕
The covert narcissist in my life, continually telling me that they don't understand everything I say to them I ended the relationship recently. I do now hope they understand.
Playing dumb, very bland, avoid certain topics of conversation, silent treatment.... quietly stone wall you and passively don't show up in compassionate manner that a normal caring person would.
"I DON'T understand!!!!" became my mock impersonation of how they will react to certain situations when they were being overtly or covertly devaluing of me when venting to others about the process of dealing with them
Hands down BEST description of what I have lived for the past thirty years. Sprinkle in alcohol addiction and incessant lying, and you’ve got a recipe for destruction.
This was my ex , everyone thought he was such a great guy. Very selective memory and showed the true self when he decided to leave who was a TOTALLY different person. Total deceit. The whole marriage was a total lie. 11 years wasted
She was very timid very quiet and snake like. Because of her I can not work with people any more. I did not even know what happen for 10 years until I research covert N. that is how incognito she was. She had the whole office against me and I didn't even know it was her. HORRIBLE.
I should have run when he said, "I can't stand liars. I never lie." Translation: "I mostly lie, manipulate the truth, and occasionally tell a sprinkling of the truth."
The ex-narc used to say the same, that he doesn’t lie, and I always found it so weird that he would emphasize that every time he could. It always felt phony to me.
The further I get away from my divorce, the more I realize my ex-husband was a narcissist. He is a physician, and revelled in the hero role. Paying for lunches for the whole staff, gifted a flight to a staff member, came running home when I had migraines to treat them. Our couples therapist really missed the boat.
THANK YOU! After hundreds of videos about covert narcissists, most of them fitted my experience perfectly. But yours is SPOT ON. Every word, as if you saw our relationship and explained my experience back in my face. Very very helpful. I'm not crazy. My perception is not wrong. Really, thank you!
O my God, this is so accurate, the suffering of having a conversation with a covert narc i felt like banging my head to the wall just to end the convo with them.
I've never needed to make so many "clarifications" in my entire life than while conversing with my ex. I communicate for a living, so I know what I am doing. He did it to monopolize my time, avoid accountability and to seem innocent/unaware. Once I got wise to it, I started using the same tactic in return and then disappeared. Hope that was clear enough for him!
@@missmintiLol, 😂 You are smart, you caught on fast, That is really one of their tactics: to act unaware like they don't understand anything you're saying, in the end you're doubting yourself and your ability to communicate. 😂.
My health, happiness, and life energy has returned to me after getting as far away as possible from my covert narc ex-husband. It is SO difficult to do, but you will be SO SO SO SO MUCH HEALTHIER and HAPPIER when you leave them. The longer you stay with them, the more you become emotionally dead, you get sicker, you lack energy, you are like a ghost of your former self. You lose contact with your friends and family. You can't explain to people exactly what is off, but you know something is wrong. They start speaking for you, controlling you. You give up on arguing. Compromise is just you agreeing to them, because it isn't worth the discussion any more. It is like going through the motions of being a human, but inside you're exhausted, and just tired of always defending yourself and trying new ways to communicate with them. To the outside world, "they adore you" and praise you around others. If this situation sounds similar to your current experience, consider this a sign to secretly get the wheels in motion to start leaving them. I did it bit by bit, secretly and slowly gathering documents and control over my own life as best I could so that I could get out. It will be hard, but the payoff is getting your life and soul back.
Figured out my next door neighbor and busted him on tons of lies in front of others. He said " I don't know what your talking about". Lol I said "oh yes you do. I see right thru you."
This is so accurate! When you first meet them you feel something is off, they're weird, they either try too hard or just close off or both alternatively, very uncomfortable socially, very sociopathic. They won't wanna deal with your family or friends, try to isolate you, and they don't have one single friend! Never! Huge red flag! They're antsy, nervous, weird or inadequate sense of humor, just awkward. Sometimes it feels like they're caught off guard and forgot their lines. Other times they know the lines perfectly and deliver and they put this charismatic facade on. You can tell they use some formulaic lines, other people's words, or lines from movies, they learn a lot by heart like a repertoire. They can't handle people and real life situations cause they lack empathy, it's like their psycho brains can't translate genuine emotion. They have the cognitive empathy know what to say but don't feel anything. Very clumsy need constant feedback and reassurance like a blind bat waiting for the sounds echoes to return and guide them. They really don't know what they're doing unless there's mirroring and feedback cause they lack a sense of inner core identity. it's really creepy. Because of this mirroring they will deliver you yourself. Art of imitation. That's why people confuse these karmic connections with twin flames and try to save them into spirituality and so on. Most of the times their spouse would say - they're just different/ special. Only I can understand them. (Maybe Eva Braun would agree :) Even when they try to play humble or self irony it feels phony, their fragile inflamed ego won't allow them to relax or be genuine. It's quite cautious like vigilant to not accidentally causing themselves an ego injury:)) It's like a bad actor. And the lines are so melodramatic to the point of being ridiculous especially when they're playing the victim and nobody understands them :)) I know such a guy, he wants to save the world with Hitler's empathy. he's got this stoic straight face and constipated posture and posting on facebook long essays on how we should save the world, how it kills him inside the injustice of the world the poverty and adds some photos of poor barefoot hungry children (manipulation tactic) and then the next day he posts some photo of his new convertible bmw. They're so dumb they are walking contradictions. I can't believe people are so gullible to buy into this cheap mascarade and his wife calls him her 'guardian angel' but then again he cheated her with his ex, who happens to be the mistress who got him into his first divorce. They're all so brainwashed like trapped in a cult. It's ridiculous. His parents and brother don't even acknowledge him publicly in his attempts to win people over in his failed political campaign. His fantasy world is so delusional it's ridiculous. I noticed the coverts use to go with both of the types, covert and overt alternatively depending on the situation, where the overt is more constant and authentic, they're not so fragile or ashamed. The covert is the snake in the grass, the nerdy or sensitive dumb that tricks you, you never see it coming. They seem so fragile and sensitive and then the next thing you know you're broke and they ran to Bahamas with their new sweetheart. I'm so worried for this girl she's so brainwashed and naive, she basically saved him from the streets and now when he sees himself safe and sound in his convertible that he didn't earn, his new house, his material stuff he shows off, he can now reveal his true colors (overt), being arrogant. condescendent, abusive, bullying her. Her mother tried to divorce them but he got her pregnant just to make sure she can't escape ....it's really disturbing. And then when she posts these love declarations on facebook he just dismisses her and bullies her. I believe she's so gaslighted and trapped in cognitive dissonance and addicted to these ups and downs she can't free herself. It's like a vertigo. A morbid love-hate dance. Covert narcs are the most dangerous because they are empaths magnets, the daisy in distress so sweet and so defenseless and they alternate easily between the two types. They know when to put themselves down and get their way covertly. Usually with them if it's too melodramatic or too good to be true then watch out!!!
Not true about friends, they have flying monkeys! They consider them friends becuase they have aligned with the narc and are an extension of them, sure, they dont have friends like REGULAR people… but they sometimes find the rando idiots they keep around.
My Mother is a narcissist and I am stuck taking care of her. I can't leave the situation right now so I do a lot of self talking. By that I mean telling myself not to take in any of her negative or gas lighting comments etc. SHE is the sick one. Your videos help so much. Thank you.
Thankyou for your comments,I was in the same situation with my mother as yourself caring full time for her for 9yrs and telling myself not to take the mental abuse anymore.She has just passed away,I miss her but then think what she used to do to me,at the moment I feel happier in my life but feel guilty aswell that I'm feeling happier, really strange.Thanks again for your upload, I thought it was just me that was going through this.I hope in the future all your hopes and dreams come true for you(you aren't alone,thinking of you ❤
When we are joyful and happy when this kind of person walks in the room its as though darkness has walked into the room. They suck all the joy and happiness out of the room while bringing with them sadness and phoniness that brings an ugly feeling. It makes me want to flee them. When they call us on the phone we get the sense that the only reason they called was to have an opportunity one more time to demean us in very subtle ways. There is absolutely no way of expressing ourselves to be able to resolve things because they act as though we are doing something wrong by trying to resolve something. Then to add injury to insult they gossip that you did something wrong and you are left without allies even when the other people looking on may have seen what they are doing, they are afraid of the narcissist, probably because they are fooled by them. I believe people keep going back is because they are unsure of whether or not they deserve the abuse. They think perhaps the narcissist is right.
I just found your channel this week. I swear, you are THE BEST expert I have ever heard on this subject!! I wish I had heard all this 3 decades ago. Would have saved me SO much suffering, depression, and wasted emotions!! Keep going because you have found your life's purpose and are helping countless people!!
You took the words right out of my mouth ,I've watched and studied so much and no-one explains it as clearly.and brilliantly as Tamie m.Joyce i too wish I'd found this wisdom DECADES ago,it would have saved me years of depression and ill-health.
Amen preach that. They always try to turn the tables and gaslight the hell out of you. Sadly I find myself looking at them now and laughing in their face with a simple whatever you say. and yes i go silent other than laughing as i walk away. I have been called full of myself when I do that. and yes i just laugh harder.
These people also need people who are heartfelt, who are genuine, who are kindhearted because they want to surround themselves with these kinds of people who they can gain narcissistic supply from when they start saying how something wasn't their fault (when it probably was) but these types of people they can get validation from. They don't get it from someone who is very moral with razor sharp eyes that they feel could look through them and see themfor who and what they are, those people can be disposed off because it's true how you can always find narcissists attracted to you if you are the saviour, the helper, because they can find use for you. The more heartfelt you are, your emotions can be manipulated. People of a strong head type can come along and say somethings not right here, and make sound judgement of what is really going on because their heart isn't so easily swayed, plus narcissists need people to fall back on, their support system, and to be told he or she sounds terrible, they're so mean to you, I'm so sorry and then they kind of feel better because they know a good people who care when they see them. That's why they're attracted to us, taking on our good nature to believe in them that's why some people can turn around to these heartfelt types and say we don't have good judgement because we go by our heart,s and what we feel.
I went grey rock on the convert narcissist without even knowing there was a term for that. He was married with a newborn, the whole work team was so supportive of him being a new dad. He even brought his baby girl in a few times for us to fawn over. He pretended to be our friend. When I finally liked someone I mentioned it to him (cause they come from the same country, I asked him to teach me the language to impress the guy I liked) he stared at me for so long, his eyes went black, the mask came off and he flew into a rage! I stood there frozen, in utter shock. Thought he’d be happy for me as a friend but guess not. After that, he listened in on me when the girls asked what I liked about the guy. Then he tried to change himself to be like him! Ewww… he has a wife and daughter! He thinks he’s gods gift to woman when he has no idea what the girls really think of him ‘short man syndrome, arrogant and stuck-up.’ 😂 After that it clicked and I REALLY noticed him being creepy, watching me, studying me and mimicking… finally I had to change jobs.
Oh so happy to be confirmed in my thoughts I couldn’t really explain. I’ve been trying to show up in my own life for years now. Who would of thought, besides all their other devious behavior, they are bothered even when you are trying to live your life as a normal person??!! I’m over my head here.
Biggest takeaway: Sooner or later All the good qualities that you carry are going to be a problem for these people. (This is what im going thru at work, they want a good worker, but not so good that it upstages them)
@@tamiemjoyce Thank you so much for your magnificent content and advice on coverts and inverted. A lot of info on narcs focusses on the classic, easier to spot ones, but this experience was something else. Been battling for most of a year with/for someone I was *convinced* loved me, was damaged from previous abuse, was a lovely person and so on... For the first few months everything was *perfect*, then the trouble started with an ex that was an abuser. Only since watching these did anything begin to make sense. The video on 'reactive abuse' also really helped assuage some of the guilt, from how I eventually began to react to everything that was happening. I was such a constantly anxious, emotional wreck by the end of things; you may very well have saved my life. Thank you.
I’ve been binge watching your videos and am blown away- Not only are you extremely knowledgeable about this subject, your delivery of the practical approaches to dealing with it are top notch. Thank you so much 🙏
I discovered you a few days ago and I too have been bing watching all your videos on this subject. So, so spot on. You are incredibly knowledgeable and brilliant. Amazing how you have described this crazy woman that I’ve gotten to know the last 8 months. Sick!
Oh yes, the covert vulnerable narcisists are so draining. I always observe whether I feel drained after an encounter with somebody or calm and serene and always analyse why i have lost my energy. We can learn a lot in This way.
I just listened to this and my soul literally cried, my heart sunk into my chest, and I couldn't even move. As I was standing there paralyzed I saw a movie type reel flashing in front of face showing me the last a quick film of the last12 years of my life. I saw in detail all the little things and big things this wolf in sheep's clothing did to my brain. Well I'm crying out for help right now, and I need fast, and I need it bad because, you know what …all that's left of of mwhat was once a super dynamic, successful high angry emphatic ESTP male that loved life , loved all people and loved to help anyone i could every chance I got . Is a broken hearted , broken spirt, broken confidence, and dead broke, hurting man that needs help? 120% sure now that my wife is a covert narcissists. The problem is I have been married to her for 10 yeara, together for 12.
I got out of my marriage with 2 in diapers 12 years ago. It has not been easy . I walked with my talent and my gonads. I think had I stayed someone would have ended up in the morgue.. the other jail. I'm paying for my freedom but I am free of the damage and can heal uninterrupted.
Yeah, I guess the solution is uninterrupted healing. I’m doing better now but she’s trying to Hoover me back in pretty bad I’m almost falling for it, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t look at anyone like they’re a narcissist, like some kind of robot bread that belongs on an island. These a human beings that we love. Should they be shunned because they all had a rough childhood. It’s not even their fault really. Ever expert you hear in these videos, and these are experts, they all say you can’t change them just run well who the hell is supposed to love them? Are they all supposed to be tossed out of a helicopter onto narcissistic island? Think about it, no matter who’s watching the video they’re all told to run. I just don’t believe God intended that for us to do to any individual, no matter what happened in their childhood that made them so insecure and scared to be themselves. They don’t know themselves and now we’re supposed to not let them ever be loved all the way till they go 6 feet under? I don’t think so, I just don’t know what to do but I know that’s not the answer
She doesn't want your love. She has NO EMPATHY. She'll hate you for living her. SHE WANTS TO BE WORSHIPPED. You have to save yourself. You can't change or fix this THING. Nakry is user and abuser. She hates you and it's not your fault. You need self respect
My husband went into a complete jealous rage yesterday when his mother, my child’s grandmother decided to take us to the zoo without him, he ended up cussing out His mother cussing me out and trying to flip the situation where we were the horrible people to go to the zoo without him. We’ve been separated for the last three years.
They can also be such excellent actors they can fool you for decades - my sister in law did to me for 35 years and then she turned on me with such force I almost took my life
Your videos on narcs is extremely important and powerful. These are much needed to spread out to the whole community so people can wake up to facts about narcs especially if they are listening to and being led by and lied to by narcs over one innocent person. 9 years ago I had one horrible narc hassle me after we broke up, all coz I wouldn't talk to them for awhile, so they decided to gaslight me to a group and luckily in the end most of these people saw them for who they were really. Since then, I've become stone to anyone who may be a narc. More people need to wake up to these types of people and take note. So glad we have your videos on here :)
Yessssssssssssssssss. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was onto her several months ago but decided to wait and see. And boy...did she do all the things.
All my life, I have to defend myself! I never explain or defend myself. I am like Donald Duck, I don’t give a hoot! You give so much valuable info, I find myself rewatching your videos. Please write a book, or many books. Take away: “Work on me, and avoid these sick and evil people! Sending love, kind thoughts, and prayers. 🙏🏻👍🏻❤️😊🌹
Yes! This! Took me 20+ years of adult “friendship” with an individual to realize the destructiveness of their presence in my life....nothing is off limits for this individual, no relationship is sacred, and no one is exempt from their toxic treatment/manipulation. I now ask myself when I meet and get to know another- Would I want to emulate her/him as a wife/husband? Would I want to emulate her/him as a mother/father? Does she/he positively inspire me as a Daughter/Son? Sister/Brother? Friend? You get the idea....no gender bias. If you get even 1 warning sign...be on high alert...I assure you that there will likely be more to follow. This is Spiritual Warfare...God Bless all of you trying to understand and disentangle yourself from an individual hosting this energetic template. ✨🙏🏻✨💚✨
Oh my! You just described my time with the narc. Thanks so much for helping me understand the most chaotic relationship of my life. But, at my age the knowledge I have obtained has me ready for any future with, anyone.✌️
Oh my god thank you for this. This was my ex spot on. I was noticing how phony he seemed, and his flattery was always so empty seeming 🤮🤢 and when my mom met him she said he seemed strange like it was overkill him saying hello. He had no patience but he pretended soooo well he was this saint. This video is exactly what I needed.
This video is the best one I have listened to about covert narcissism! This matched exactly how my narcissist neighbor is. Exactly what I am going through! Thank you!!!
Hello light spreader! You are awesome!. I particularly love " good times with these people"😁. & You dont have to be in the proximity sime if these entities can suck your energy telepathically. Any rime they pop in my head i assume the familiars have all gathered up under the head vamp,mommy, & are plotting against me again so in my mind i put a force fueld around me so that whatever malevolence they fling at me bunces back.😎
OMG I now know that my partner of 6 yrs was exactly like this. He was crazy making, circular arguments, his behaviour was not what you would expect in a good person despite him saying how altruistic he says he was. I was exhausted , finally have gone no contact
Too good. I laughed a few times…Your delivery is flawless. God, it is so enlightening and frightening at the same time. I have been duped too many times and no longer will I be subjected to these fake friends and partners. Thank you Tamie. ❤
I read somewhere where it talked about seeing life through a wider vision, and it said to imagine a dance floor, where all the drama is down there, so you see people drunk, fighting, flirting and so forth, and then you have the people on the balconies who have a birds eye view so not only could they see the drama taking place but they might not pay as much attention because they're drinking and having a good time and then further back you have the bouncers and people monitoring cameras who see the whole thing taking place - so the further you sit back and look at an issue you can see the bigger picture going on but the people who are involved in the drama on the dance floor can't see past the end of their nose because when your in the drama your in the thick of it, but the wider you are if you have a birds eye view or that spectator monitoring the cameras you can see the bigger picture and then each person will have a different take on what they see that is happening
Thank you so much for explaining covert narcissists so well! Your clarification is so helpful and I really needed to hear this today. Especially the "no contact" part -- that it's really OK to avoid all contact with a narcissist. I do logically understand that it's in my best interest to avoid this person in my life. But I often feel guilty for my choice to avoid contact as well as guilty for the feelings of freedom and relief that avoiding this person brings me. Next time I feel bad for the avoidance I'm going to watch this video for your much needed reminder. Thanks again, Tamie! ❤
My pleasure, DJ! Guilt-tripping is one of their secret weapons and they're really good at inspiring that low vibrational feeling in others. The feelings of freedom and relief are a sign from your highest guidance that you are on the right track. Follow what brings you peace and an enhanced sense of well-being... always!! Thanks for watching!!
This is all fitting so well as I try to separate from my husband. I was a single mother of a 3 year old when I met him and he almost right away started paying her daycare cost. He wanted to move in together to a safer neighborhood (for me). Total hero. 8 years and 3 more children later I have fully unmasked him. I don’t know what to do.
Tamie, I listen to your videos all the time, but somehow I missed this one. Boy oh boy, this is SPOT ON. They always portray themselves as SO “innocent”. Thank you!
12:40 so true. My narc used to grill me, when was taking time (10min a day) on a regular basic to do some push-ups and sit-ups. And I felt the need to explain and justify. Wrestling with a pig basically
Totally guilty of 17:35 and such an important reminder at 18:16 - thanks again Tamie. Invaluable advice 🙏🏻. I’m tired of obsessing and trying to work it all out.
As I see it narcissists are always on the hunt for people they can drain. It's not what we're doing, it's their disfunction but we have to deal with it. We have to learn emotional self defense.
👏👏👏 As a youngster the feelings of phoney lifestyles and manipulative educationally formatting patterns, where recognized. Without really understanding until much later in life. With the help of much needed information as such. People like yourself with a aura of authenticity that you emit, l thank you. 🙂
Dear Tamie M, I get you💜💗 I love how you've turned lemons into Lemonade, you DEFINITELY earned the ability to teach narcissism and I love how you teach me and deeply know what you teach. I've also had to learn from others who they having jealousy what jealously was all about, was foreign to me, because I too, have never had a jealous bone what so ever and, like you related, I didn't see them coming either. Greetings from Your Soul Sister in Savannah Georgia.. Love to you💗💜
OMG. The more I watch your videos, the more I understand what I went through. And this is the most complete explanation of my ex-wife yet. Thank you again for your work.
My parents and a specific coworker to the T! You really nailed it, Tamie, explaining how those 'creatures' move through life. I'm very glad and relieved that I'm not alone! Many thanks!! :-) :-)
"Good times"......"Good times" pff,it was hell, never knew these people existed!!!!, sounds so naiv,I know, but Tamie you helped me in a fantastic way to answer the questions I was not able to find on my own, thank you so much for your truly valuable help!!!!
I am glad you are doing these videos. I am unlocking my potential being proud as I am distancing myself. This people are really destructive in the very essence of moral behavior and lack empathy for moral justification. Thank you for sharing
Running their own agenda, - after 3 times of the same thing happening, after communicating that this was hurting the family’s economy, and displaying poor parenting towards our children, when saying one thing and working totally against me. Crazy making confusing, drama, triangulating me for 2 years. I finally had enough and called her out of being a lying self sabotaging deceptive manipulator..she really got a emotional reactens out of me.
Don't beat yourself up for the reactive abuse that these types are known for eventually setting up their victims for. The only one you look bad to are their minions. You have something called integrity and integrity doesn't always look pretty sometimes! (Especially when getting knocked sideways out of proportion for something undeserved out of nowhere.) In some cases, what I've done is taken the so-called "L" and let them have the RAGE ATTACK at me (ironically for not having taken the bait to rage back at them that were transparently hoping to set me off with!). On the other hand, yeah, I've reacted back too. I don't have any regrets. I try to be my best self. But the sweet/mean cycle gets exhausting and I'm not a robot. That's where low contact goes to a more severe form of such (if not to no contact altogether back against them)
Hi! I’m new to the channel. My take away was that they can be demure - one of the many confusing attributes that has had me coming back and questioning myself yet again :/
Idk if it’ll help anyone but this line helps me a lot when someone is trying to gaslight me (I work at a restaurant, sadly that’s almost everyone there); I just nicely say “you can’t tell me who I am, only I can.” Usually gets no response but ends that quite well.
WOW... Tamie youve hit the nail on the proverbial head... Of dozens of explanations of covert narcissists this is the most accurate one in describing a covert narcissist I almost started a relationship with.. But I identified it in days ... I had just spent months learning all I could about narcissists..
You are awesome ❤ thank you for these amazing videos. I really appreciate your expertise and presentation of information that helps recovery. Thank you ❤
Hi I’m happy I found your channel, I think u have a great way of explaining and like your attitude. Everything u said here is on point. I wish I could send u over to their place to slap them lol
How do you determine the difference between a covert, and an emotionally unavailable/avoidant person in these types of situations? I didn't see my ex as a covert. But I did see immense trauma in his childhood- where he and his mom was abused, so he definitely got this "hero" aspect because his mom had no boundaries either and would involve him in situations- as an example, the abusive father was cheating and she took the kids to "catch him". When I told him I loved him, I saw an immediate change. He started to self sabotage, triangulate, push me away in any way he could. He did break up with me a few months later. I feel maybe that's the difference? He saw his self sabotage behaviors affecting me, and instead of using me "as supply" he broke up.... he did rebound quickly to who I truly believe is a covert narcissist woman (victim mentality to the extreme, very quiet, but also used triangulating on her "old supply" to become even more of a victim to "catch" my ex. She was also on birth control (always had a phone timer) and suddenly she is pregnant with his child...... What do you think?
The best description and explanation! Am with covert narcissist and was so sure that this is the man this is the one! But he is the worst i found out after knowing him for 7 years! Planning the leave! He is so dangerous and am so scared to pieces
Thank you for this video! You described it to a T. To a T. I went NO CONTACT. I was gobsmacked at the end...but I was thankful to be able to SEE them for who they ARE.
A girl I had dated back in 1985 for a few months seemed to pop up in a phone call every few years. It was odd that she was tracking me down when she was married and so was I. I felt like she wanted me to cheat on my wife and it upset me. Fast forward to 2020 and both of us are single and about three hours away. She texted me on Facebook and asked if she could call. Wow, we talked for hours and she was like a perfect person for me. Odd first question though after 32 years , She asked if I was a co-dependent person. She said I love you within a week, and I always have. Again she was 13 and I was 16 the few months we dated and I am not that same person. She kept asking about my childhood and my abusive father that the whole world loved. ( You know the rest of the story. )I learned at age 52 I was the scapegoat and that's why he would abuse me for no reason in my mind. I majored in Psychology back in the day and grabbed some old books and the mask fell off of her and my family. Did she know at age 13 that I would be a good source later in life? That is sick. (I wrote about 150 pages when I broke up with her and I swear she wrote the covert book for everyone else. ) She was concerned when we broke up. She needed me to know that I broke up with her. ( Odd, I said that we both lose each other.) What a mess they make for us. Does she know what she is and is she aware? Thank you for helping me and others understand. Daryl
You're welcome, Daryl! To answer your question, I'm not sure that they are aware that they fall on the spectrum of covert narcissism... but in my experience, they are tortured souls who know full well there is something seriously wrong with themsleves... yet they go through life projecting, shaming, and blaming in an attempt to unburdent themselves from their own deep-seated fear, guilt, and shame... doing all manner of damage with little to no concern for the damage done to others. It's pretty sick stuff!!
Soul stripping demons. I gotta work on my Wonder Woman outfit. Just signed up for your Freedom Class. Looking forward to healing from the inside out. Thank you! 🌸💛😊
Woot woot! I'm SO excited for you, Sanjana! My team and I very much look forward to supporting you on your journey! Please reach out anytime you have a question or need support!! Welcome to The Freedom Family!! 🙂💕
@@sanjanabhatia5156 It's not easy or comfortable work, that's for sure... but compared to the alternative.... repeating the patterns of narcissistic abuse... it's a cakewalk! You've got this, Sanjana! And my team and I are here for you. Please reach out any time you have a question or need additional support!! Sending you a BIG virtual hug and lots of love from Calgary, Sister!! 💕
Excellent information, completely true, I figured out when and how this came about in my life. Thank you so much for your videos. I like your well explained straightforward delivery of this topic.
You saved my life Tammie! You opened my eyes to the likelihood possibility that my dad was a covert narcissist & why i kept attracting to that type of man. Thank you!
You're so welcome, Monica! That realization can be a total game-changer. That said, be sure to do your healing work IF you want the pattern to change. 😉💕
Oh my gosh, this sounds like my phony narcissistic brother. He would compliment me and right after followed by a mean comment of now fuck off, all in one conversation, it was so confusing, crazy making. And all the rest of the disordered stuff you mention. It was sheer insanity. You nailed this to a tee. I have experienced this to the tee. It was so draining and head scratching. Looking back, it was extreme pychological abuse because it was so painful and confusing. Also, you confirmed that I always thought he was a very envious and jealous type person who smiled in my face and smeared me behind my back. He was always the victim and I was like, is this guy delusional, I've done nothing to him, in fact, I tried to help him. I'm not saying I'm a perfect human but sure did try to have a normal interaction with him. He was attention seeking and then when I would give him the attention he would poo poo it away, as if I was bothersome, so I would leave him alone. First I would be called selfish for not paying attention and then when I would walk away and ignore I would be called a bitch..There was no winning with these people, in this double bind, you can't win. This video is so on point.
I'm sorry you've had to endure such emotional and psychological abuse, MK. And it's true, there is no winning with these people... not unless they want or need something from you, and even then, it will be short-lived. Thanks for tuning in!!
Hey Friends! Thanks for watching!! If this resonated with you, you'll want to sign up for the FREE WEBCLASS I'm offering on how to heal and recover from codependency and narcissistic abuse so you NEVER fall prey to emotional manipulation and psychological abuse ever again! HERE'S THE LINK: www.tamiem.info/freeclass
Them: 'No, thats not what I said/not what I did'
Me: knowing the game **produced screenshots/emails/chat messages*** for all to see. The preface it, yes Ill know you're about to start playing victim, because you feel attacked. But really, its always been you, playing passive aggressive and NOW everyone gets to see how you really play...
Them: 😮
Me: 🤪😜😝😆😆😆🖐*ciao* (leaves them to deal with the fall out)
Once you know that they are a narcissist don't waist your time and energy, just go no contact and be done, it's not your fault you bumped into a predator, and stop the emotional thinking about them, they are not worth it.
Amen!
FACTS
I have now 95% accepted this common term in these recovery communities about NPD types as "predator" indeed. Looking back, there is a circle and rhyme and rhythm to that tune unfortunately. They're good at wearing a mask for a while... But once that starts to slip.. you can look back and connect the dots to everything about how they treated other people (or mistreated I should say) and it all makes sense finally
"Preditors" is the best description of these people. I have to remind myself of this everyday.
Amein
Soul-sucking. I felt negative vibes if I was "too happy", "too enthusiastic", "too loud", whatever. To survive, I toned down my personality to the point I nearly disappeared. Demonic in a way.
In my opinion, Gail, there is an absolute connection between the demonic and narcissistic abuse. You're not wrong there.
wow, can so relate
Demonically controlled...for sure...devious
Oh yes! God forbid you be “too happy” or “enthusiastic” - their jealousy of someone with a bright personality is unbelievable.
Exactly!
NEVER EVER EVER, MAKE YOURSELF SMALL SO THEY CAN FALSELY FEEL “BIGGER.” Albeit, they are THEE BIGGEST PSYCHOS you can possibly come in contact with. Protect yourself…always!
They belittle you. When they're acting covertly, they'll do it as a 'joke', or make it look as if they care about you. Once they've done that, you feel as if 'you lost', and then you feel the urge to prove yourself to them. I think of it as a gambler's desire to gain back what they've lost. It's an ego thing. We don't need to prove ourselves to these creeps!
My favorite is their DESTRUCTIVE criticism presented as constructive criticism.. before it comes for you you'll hear them do it about other people out of concern supposedly or basically all but smiling while they THINK THEY'RE one-uping some stranger not in the room, etc
We cannot lose what we never had and we never had a loving relationship with these narcissists, they pretended to be a part of your life while sucking us in only to reject us one more time.
Yes. I don't understand it.
We can't sell or eat Ego. They put so much importance on it.
The Jealousy is unbelievable.
They pick say Climate change or Gaza. The empathy shown but no results. Nothing done from them. Just talk.
I told mine without knowing about Narcissism. They don't respect anyone or there interlect. Condescending. They are never wrong. They know everything.
I did the wrong thing. Gave it to him. He didn't say a word.
I'm new here. I'm 60, and, just over the past few months, I've come to understand the "problem" with my mother is that she's a covert narcissist. And, I thought a covert narcissist IS a "phony"! Before I realized she's a narcissist, I knew she was a phony!
Boy....it's TOUGH when it's your mother!
Thanks for this video.....I've got lots to learn, and God's pouring it in faster than I can take it in! LOL
My mother was a malignant covert narcissist. I get it. Your job is to take care of yourself, even if you have to distance yourself from her. Make sure she's safe and her fundamental needs are met. We don't have to abandon them entirely. Beyond that, you owe her nothing if she's harmful to your well-being. 💕
@@tamiemjoyce Thanks for that encouragement. 💗
The covert narcissist in my life, continually telling me that they don't understand everything I say to them I ended the relationship recently. I do now hope they understand.
🤣 good one!
Playing dumb, very bland, avoid certain topics of conversation, silent treatment.... quietly stone wall you and passively don't show up in compassionate manner that a normal caring person would.
"I DON'T understand!!!!" became my mock impersonation of how they will react to certain situations when they were being overtly or covertly devaluing of me when venting to others about the process of dealing with them
Hands down BEST description of what I have lived for the past thirty years. Sprinkle in alcohol addiction and incessant lying, and you’ve got a recipe for destruction.
And being such a ‘good practising christian’
Is this a spouse?
Yes covert narcissists are experts at embellished talk (but it feels fake in your gut )
This was my ex , everyone thought he was such a great guy. Very selective memory and showed the true self when he decided to leave who was a TOTALLY different person. Total deceit. The whole marriage was a total lie. 11 years wasted
Mine was 27. Consider yourself lucky.
She was very timid very quiet and snake like. Because of her I can not work with people any more. I did not even know what happen for 10 years until I research covert N. that is how incognito she was. She had the whole office against me and I didn't even know it was her. HORRIBLE.
I LOVE, the part where you say” this person can’t really be this stupid “ WOW! I have said that so many times. Thank you for your videos ❤
I should have run when he said, "I can't stand liars. I never lie." Translation: "I mostly lie, manipulate the truth, and occasionally tell a sprinkling of the truth."
that's a sign. red flag. inside themselves, they keep talking to Sana, in person.
You hit the nail on the head with that one. I was often told "I am a truther"... whatever that is.
@@randallyarborough7923 it probably means the opposite of truthful🤔
The ex-narc used to say the same, that he doesn’t lie, and I always found it so weird that he would emphasize that every time he could. It always felt phony to me.
@@maruja2023 your narc doth protest too much
"You have been fully duped!" I could not have said it any better myself. You don't know what is real anymore.
Your absolutely right. If a pattern starts to make you question, check your gut. " Distancing yourself is your best bet". Great point .
The further I get away from my divorce, the more I realize my ex-husband was a narcissist. He is a physician, and revelled in the hero role. Paying for lunches for the whole staff, gifted a flight to a staff member, came running home when I had migraines to treat them. Our couples therapist really missed the boat.
THANK YOU!
After hundreds of videos about covert narcissists, most of them fitted my experience perfectly.
But yours is SPOT ON.
Every word, as if you saw our relationship and explained my experience back in my face.
Very very helpful.
I'm not crazy.
My perception is not wrong.
Really, thank you!
It took me over 20 years to completely understand a narcissist.. especially the covert narcissist. But I now know him better then he knows himself.!!!
O my God, this is so accurate, the suffering of having a conversation with a covert narc i felt like banging my head to the wall just to end the convo with them.
I've never needed to make so many "clarifications" in my entire life than while conversing with my ex. I communicate for a living, so I know what I am doing. He did it to monopolize my time, avoid accountability and to seem innocent/unaware. Once I got wise to it, I started using the same tactic in return and then disappeared. Hope that was clear enough for him!
@@missmintiLol, 😂
You are smart, you caught on fast,
That is really one of their tactics: to act unaware like they don't understand anything you're saying, in the end you're doubting yourself and your ability to communicate.
😂.
My health, happiness, and life energy has returned to me after getting as far away as possible from my covert narc ex-husband. It is SO difficult to do, but you will be SO SO SO SO MUCH HEALTHIER and HAPPIER when you leave them.
The longer you stay with them, the more you become emotionally dead, you get sicker, you lack energy, you are like a ghost of your former self. You lose contact with your friends and family. You can't explain to people exactly what is off, but you know something is wrong. They start speaking for you, controlling you. You give up on arguing. Compromise is just you agreeing to them, because it isn't worth the discussion any more. It is like going through the motions of being a human, but inside you're exhausted, and just tired of always defending yourself and trying new ways to communicate with them. To the outside world, "they adore you" and praise you around others.
If this situation sounds similar to your current experience, consider this a sign to secretly get the wheels in motion to start leaving them. I did it bit by bit, secretly and slowly gathering documents and control over my own life as best I could so that I could get out. It will be hard, but the payoff is getting your life and soul back.
Figured out my next door neighbor and busted him on tons of lies in front of others. He said " I don't know what your talking about". Lol
I said "oh yes you do. I see right thru you."
This is so accurate! When you first meet them you feel something is off, they're weird, they either try too hard or just close off or both alternatively, very uncomfortable socially, very sociopathic. They won't wanna deal with your family or friends, try to isolate you, and they don't have one single friend! Never! Huge red flag!
They're antsy, nervous, weird or inadequate sense of humor, just awkward. Sometimes it feels like they're caught off guard and forgot their lines. Other times they know the lines perfectly and deliver and they put this charismatic facade on. You can tell they use some formulaic lines, other people's words, or lines from movies, they learn a lot by heart like a repertoire. They can't handle people and real life situations cause they lack empathy, it's like their psycho brains can't translate genuine emotion. They have the cognitive empathy know what to say but don't feel anything.
Very clumsy need constant feedback and reassurance like a blind bat waiting for the sounds echoes to return and guide them. They really don't know what they're doing unless there's mirroring and feedback cause they lack a sense of inner core identity. it's really creepy.
Because of this mirroring they will deliver you yourself. Art of imitation. That's why people confuse these karmic connections with twin flames and try to save them into spirituality and so on.
Most of the times their spouse would say - they're just different/ special. Only I can understand them. (Maybe Eva Braun would agree :)
Even when they try to play humble or self irony it feels phony, their fragile inflamed ego won't allow them to relax or be genuine. It's quite cautious like vigilant to not accidentally causing themselves an ego injury:))
It's like a bad actor. And the lines are so melodramatic to the point of being ridiculous especially when they're playing the victim and nobody understands them :))
I know such a guy, he wants to save the world with Hitler's empathy. he's got this stoic straight face and constipated posture and posting on facebook long essays on how we should save the world, how it kills him inside the injustice of the world the poverty and adds some photos of poor barefoot hungry children (manipulation tactic) and then the next day he posts some photo of his new convertible bmw.
They're so dumb they are walking contradictions. I can't believe people are so gullible to buy into this cheap mascarade and his wife calls him her 'guardian angel' but then again he cheated her with his ex, who happens to be the mistress who got him into his first divorce. They're all so brainwashed like trapped in a cult. It's ridiculous.
His parents and brother don't even acknowledge him publicly in his attempts to win people over in his failed political campaign. His fantasy world is so delusional it's ridiculous.
I noticed the coverts use to go with both of the types, covert and overt alternatively depending on the situation, where the overt is more constant and authentic, they're not so fragile or ashamed.
The covert is the snake in the grass, the nerdy or sensitive dumb that tricks you, you never see it coming. They seem so fragile and sensitive and then the next thing you know you're broke and they ran to Bahamas with their new sweetheart. I'm so worried for this girl she's so brainwashed and naive, she basically saved him from the streets and now when he sees himself safe and sound in his convertible that he didn't earn, his new house, his material stuff he shows off, he can now reveal his true colors (overt), being arrogant. condescendent, abusive, bullying her. Her mother tried to divorce them but he got her pregnant just to make sure she can't escape ....it's really disturbing. And then when she posts these love declarations on facebook he just dismisses her and bullies her.
I believe she's so gaslighted and trapped in cognitive dissonance and addicted to these ups and downs she can't free herself. It's like a vertigo. A morbid love-hate dance.
Covert narcs are the most dangerous because they are empaths magnets, the daisy in distress so sweet and so defenseless and they alternate easily between the two types. They know when to put themselves down and get their way covertly.
Usually with them if it's too melodramatic or too good to be true then watch out!!!
Not true about friends, they have flying monkeys! They consider them friends becuase they have aligned with the narc and are an extension of them, sure, they dont have friends like REGULAR people… but they sometimes find the rando idiots they keep around.
Perfect description of the person who put me through Hell at work. I'm so glad I found these videos.
My pleasure, Ruby! Thanks for tuning in!!
I've got a coworker like that, too.
The stress is not good
At some point you're gonna be like What the WTF just happened😂
I have continued my no contact for almost a year. My life is so much more peaceful. Ty
My Mother is a narcissist and I am stuck taking care of her. I can't leave the situation right now so I do a lot of self talking. By that I mean telling myself not to take in any of her negative or gas lighting comments etc. SHE is the sick one. Your videos help so much. Thank you.
You're welcome, Lynn! I'm glad my videos are helping!! 💕
Thankyou for your comments,I was in the same situation with my mother as yourself caring full time for her for 9yrs and telling myself not to take the mental abuse anymore.She has just passed away,I miss her but then think what she used to do to me,at the moment I feel happier in my life but feel guilty aswell that I'm feeling happier, really strange.Thanks again for your upload, I thought it was just me that was going through this.I hope in the future all your hopes and dreams come true for you(you aren't alone,thinking of you ❤
When we are joyful and happy when this kind of person walks in the room its as though darkness has walked into the room. They suck all the joy and happiness out of the room while bringing with them sadness and phoniness that brings an ugly feeling. It makes me want to flee them. When they call us on the phone we get the sense that the only reason they called was to have an opportunity one more time to demean us in very subtle ways. There is absolutely no way of expressing ourselves to be able to resolve things because they act as though we are doing something wrong by trying to resolve something. Then to add injury to insult they gossip that you did something wrong and you are left without allies even when the other people looking on may have seen what they are doing, they are afraid of the narcissist, probably because they are fooled by them.
I believe people keep going back is because they are unsure of whether or not they deserve the abuse. They think perhaps the narcissist is right.
100% They are emotional & spiritual vampires! 🧛🏻♂️
I just found your channel this week.
I swear, you are THE BEST expert I have ever heard on this subject!!
I wish I had heard all this 3 decades ago. Would have saved me SO much suffering, depression, and wasted emotions!!
Keep going because you have found your life's purpose and are helping countless people!!
Thank you, Sophia! I am glad you're finding my channel helpful!! xx
Sophia, 3 decades for me, too. Sigh. I was confused forever and that was his ploy. I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy.
You took the words right out of my mouth ,I've watched and studied so much and no-one explains it as clearly.and brilliantly as Tamie m.Joyce i too wish I'd found this wisdom DECADES ago,it would have saved me years of depression and ill-health.
Amen preach that. They always try to turn the tables and gaslight the hell out of you. Sadly I find myself looking at them now and laughing in their face with a simple whatever you say. and yes i go silent other than laughing as i walk away. I have been called full of myself when I do that. and yes i just laugh harder.
These people also need people who are heartfelt, who are genuine, who are kindhearted because they want to surround themselves with these kinds of people who they can gain narcissistic supply from when they start saying how something wasn't their fault (when it probably was) but these types of people they can get validation from. They don't get it from someone who is very moral with razor sharp eyes that they feel could look through them and see themfor who and what they are, those people can be disposed off because it's true how you can always find narcissists attracted to you if you are the saviour, the helper, because they can find use for you. The more heartfelt you are, your emotions can be manipulated. People of a strong head type can come along and say somethings not right here, and make sound judgement of what is really going on because their heart isn't so easily swayed, plus narcissists need people to fall back on, their support system, and to be told he or she sounds terrible, they're so mean to you, I'm so sorry and then they kind of feel better because they know a good people who care when they see them. That's why they're attracted to us, taking on our good nature to believe in them that's why some people can turn around to these heartfelt types and say we don't have good judgement because we go by our heart,s and what we feel.
I went grey rock on the convert narcissist without even knowing there was a term for that. He was married with a newborn, the whole work team was so supportive of him being a new dad. He even brought his baby girl in a few times for us to fawn over.
He pretended to be our friend. When I finally liked someone I mentioned it to him (cause they come from the same country, I asked him to teach me the language to impress the guy I liked) he stared at me for so long, his eyes went black, the mask came off and he flew into a rage! I stood there frozen, in utter shock.
Thought he’d be happy for me as a friend but guess not. After that, he listened in on me when the girls asked what I liked about the guy. Then he tried to change himself to be like him! Ewww… he has a wife and daughter!
He thinks he’s gods gift to woman when he has no idea what the girls really think of him ‘short man syndrome, arrogant and stuck-up.’ 😂
After that it clicked and I REALLY noticed him being creepy, watching me, studying me and mimicking… finally I had to change jobs.
Oh so happy to be confirmed in my thoughts I couldn’t really explain. I’ve been trying to show up in my own life for years now. Who would of thought, besides all their other devious behavior, they are bothered even when you are trying to live your life as a normal person??!! I’m over my head here.
Biggest takeaway:
Sooner or later All the good qualities that you carry are going to be a problem for these people.
(This is what im going thru at work, they want a good worker, but not so good that it upstages them)
Sounds about right!
"Sooner or later All the good qualities that you carry are going to be a problem for these people."
That is EXACTLY right. Absolutely splendid take.
@@tamiemjoyce Thank you so much for your magnificent content and advice on coverts and inverted. A lot of info on narcs focusses on the classic, easier to spot ones, but this experience was something else. Been battling for most of a year with/for someone I was *convinced* loved me, was damaged from previous abuse, was a lovely person and so on... For the first few months everything was *perfect*, then the trouble started with an ex that was an abuser. Only since watching these did anything begin to make sense. The video on 'reactive abuse' also really helped assuage some of the guilt, from how I eventually began to react to everything that was happening. I was such a constantly anxious, emotional wreck by the end of things; you may very well have saved my life. Thank you.
Same
I’ve been binge watching your videos and am blown away-
Not only are you extremely knowledgeable about this subject, your delivery of the practical approaches to dealing with it are top notch.
Thank you so much 🙏
My pleasure! I'm so glad you're enjoying the content! Thanks for watching!!
Agree. This is such important and validating content. I almost took my life because of this. This should be taught in school
I discovered you a few days ago and I too have been bing watching all your videos on this subject. So, so spot on. You are incredibly knowledgeable and brilliant. Amazing how you have described this crazy woman that I’ve gotten to know the last 8 months. Sick!
Oh yes, the covert vulnerable narcisists are so draining. I always observe whether I feel drained after an encounter with somebody or calm and serene and always analyse why i have lost my energy. We can learn a lot in This way.
I just listened to this and my soul literally cried, my heart sunk into my chest, and I couldn't even move. As I was standing there paralyzed I saw a movie type reel flashing in front of face showing me the last a quick film of the last12 years of my life. I saw in detail all the little things and big things this wolf in sheep's clothing did to my brain. Well I'm crying out for help right now, and I need fast, and I need it bad because, you know what …all that's left of of mwhat was once a super dynamic, successful high angry emphatic ESTP male that loved life , loved all people and loved to help anyone i could every chance I got . Is a broken hearted , broken spirt, broken confidence, and dead broke, hurting man that needs help?
120% sure now that my wife is a covert narcissists. The problem is I have been married to her for 10 yeara, together for 12.
Ditto same amount of years
How are you doing? Is this an old video I'm watching? It is March 2023
I got out of my marriage with 2 in diapers 12 years ago. It has not been easy . I walked with my talent and my gonads. I think had I stayed someone would have ended up in the morgue.. the other jail. I'm paying for my freedom but I am free of the damage and can heal uninterrupted.
Im sorry. Me too. My dad was one and i attract them like no tomordow
Yeah, I guess the solution is uninterrupted healing. I’m doing better now but she’s trying to Hoover me back in pretty bad I’m almost falling for it, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t look at anyone like they’re a narcissist, like some kind of robot bread that belongs on an island. These a human beings that we love. Should they be shunned because they all had a rough childhood. It’s not even their fault really. Ever expert you hear in these videos, and these are experts, they all say you can’t change them just run well who the hell is supposed to love them? Are they all supposed to be tossed out of a helicopter onto narcissistic island? Think about it, no matter who’s watching the video they’re all told to run. I just don’t believe God intended that for us to do to any individual, no matter what happened in their childhood that made them so insecure and scared to be themselves. They don’t know themselves and now we’re supposed to not let them ever be loved all the way till they go 6 feet under? I don’t think so, I just don’t know what to do but I know that’s not the answer
She doesn't want your love. She has NO EMPATHY. She'll hate you for living her. SHE WANTS TO BE WORSHIPPED. You have to save yourself. You can't change or fix this THING. Nakry is user and abuser. She hates you and it's not your fault. You need self respect
“I don’t recall saying that.” 😏 Yeah, right.
You attract them because there’s so many of them on the prowl.
My husband went into a complete jealous rage yesterday when his mother, my child’s grandmother decided to take us to the zoo without him, he ended up cussing out His mother cussing me out and trying to flip the situation where we were the horrible people to go to the zoo without him. We’ve been separated for the last three years.
They can also be such excellent actors they can fool you for decades - my sister in law did to me for 35 years and then she turned on me with such force I almost took my life
Your videos on narcs is extremely important and powerful. These are much needed to spread out to the whole community so people can wake up to facts about narcs especially if they are listening to and being led by and lied to by narcs over one innocent person. 9 years ago I had one horrible narc hassle me after we broke up, all coz I wouldn't talk to them for awhile, so they decided to gaslight me to a group and luckily in the end most of these people saw them for who they were really. Since then, I've become stone to anyone who may be a narc. More people need to wake up to these types of people and take note. So glad we have your videos on here :)
Yessssssssssssssssss. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was onto her several months ago but decided to wait and see. And boy...did she do all the things.
You're welcome, Fiona! Thanks for watching!! 💕
Don’t forget the awful bosses out there who do this all the time.
Amen!👍🏻🌹❤️
All my life, I have to defend myself! I never explain or defend myself. I am like Donald Duck, I don’t give a hoot! You give so much valuable info, I find myself rewatching your videos. Please write a book, or many books. Take away: “Work on me, and avoid these sick and evil people! Sending love, kind thoughts, and prayers. 🙏🏻👍🏻❤️😊🌹
I'm so glad my videos are helpful, Richard! Stay cool and beautiful, Brother!! 😉
Yes! This! Took me 20+ years of adult “friendship” with an individual to realize the destructiveness of their presence in my life....nothing is off limits for this individual, no relationship is sacred, and no one is exempt from their toxic treatment/manipulation.
I now ask myself when I meet and get to know another- Would I want to emulate her/him as a wife/husband? Would I want to emulate her/him as a mother/father? Does she/he positively inspire me as a Daughter/Son? Sister/Brother? Friend? You get the idea....no gender bias. If you get even 1 warning sign...be on high alert...I assure you that there will likely be more to follow. This is Spiritual Warfare...God Bless all of you trying to understand and disentangle yourself from an individual hosting this energetic template.
✨🙏🏻✨💚✨
I agree, Jodi! This is spiritual warfare!! 💕
You know about Covert Narss to a TEA! Especially when you talk about how to communicate with them. I feel like you were in my head LOL.
Oh my! You just described my time with the narc. Thanks so much for helping me understand the most chaotic relationship of my life. But, at my age the knowledge I have obtained has me ready for any future with, anyone.✌️
Oh my god thank you for this. This was my ex spot on. I was noticing how phony he seemed, and his flattery was always so empty seeming 🤮🤢 and when my mom met him she said he seemed strange like it was overkill him saying hello. He had no patience but he pretended soooo well he was this saint. This video is exactly what I needed.
This video is the best one I have listened to about covert narcissism! This matched exactly how my narcissist neighbor is. Exactly what I am going through! Thank you!!!
Hello light spreader!
You are awesome!.
I particularly love " good times with these people"😁.
& You dont have to be in the proximity sime if these entities can suck your energy telepathically.
Any rime they pop in my head i assume the familiars have all gathered up under the head vamp,mommy, & are plotting against me again so in my mind i put a force fueld around me so that whatever malevolence they fling at me bunces back.😎
OMG I now know that my partner of 6 yrs was exactly like this. He was crazy making, circular arguments, his behaviour was not what you would expect in a good person despite him saying how altruistic he says he was. I was exhausted , finally have gone no contact
Same. It is so exhausting.
Too good. I laughed a few times…Your delivery is flawless. God, it is so enlightening and frightening at the same time. I have been duped too many times and no longer will I be subjected to these fake friends and partners. Thank you Tamie. ❤
I read somewhere where it talked about seeing life through a wider vision, and it said to imagine a dance floor, where all the drama is down there, so you see people drunk, fighting, flirting and so forth, and then you have the people on the balconies who have a birds eye view so not only could they see the drama taking place but they might not pay as much attention because they're drinking and having a good time and then further back you have the bouncers and people monitoring cameras who see the whole thing taking place - so the further you sit back and look at an issue you can see the bigger picture going on but the people who are involved in the drama on the dance floor can't see past the end of their nose because when your in the drama your in the thick of it, but the wider you are if you have a birds eye view or that spectator monitoring the cameras you can see the bigger picture and then each person will have a different take on what they see that is happening
You are really helping lots of people like me with these vids..thanks a lot.
My pleasure, Burundoy!!
Thank you so much for explaining covert narcissists so well! Your clarification is so helpful and I really needed to hear this today. Especially the "no contact" part -- that it's really OK to avoid all contact with a narcissist. I do logically understand that it's in my best interest to avoid this person in my life. But I often feel guilty for my choice to avoid contact as well as guilty for the feelings of freedom and relief that avoiding this person brings me. Next time I feel bad for the avoidance I'm going to watch this video for your much needed reminder. Thanks again, Tamie! ❤
My pleasure, DJ! Guilt-tripping is one of their secret weapons and they're really good at inspiring that low vibrational feeling in others. The feelings of freedom and relief are a sign from your highest guidance that you are on the right track. Follow what brings you peace and an enhanced sense of well-being... always!! Thanks for watching!!
@@tamiemjoyce Thanks so much Tamie! xo - Shortee
This is all fitting so well as I try to separate from my husband. I was a single mother of a 3 year old when I met him and he almost right away started paying her daycare cost. He wanted to move in together to a safer neighborhood (for me). Total hero. 8 years and 3 more children later I have fully unmasked him. I don’t know what to do.
Tamie, I listen to your videos all the time, but somehow I missed this one. Boy oh boy, this is SPOT ON. They always portray themselves as SO “innocent”. Thank you!
So happy you found it! It's a good one 🤗
I love the "selective memory" part. Mine blamed it on ADHD. SMH
Lol, my narc ex kept saying she may be ADHD. I said ‘nope, you’re just low empathy.’ She didn’t like that. Absolute emotional abuser that one.
12:40 so true. My narc used to grill me, when was taking time (10min a day) on a regular basic to do some push-ups and sit-ups. And I felt the need to explain and justify. Wrestling with a pig basically
I just discovered your videos. I really enjoy the way you explain things; you hit the nail right on the head. Your delivery really hits home.
I'm so glad, Dianne! Thanks, for watching!! 💕
Emotional vampire, thank you for this description, very important to not constantly fall victim.
Totally guilty of 17:35 and such an important reminder at 18:16 - thanks again Tamie. Invaluable advice 🙏🏻. I’m tired of obsessing and trying to work it all out.
You are so welcome, Christopher!! 😉
As I see it narcissists are always on the hunt for people they can drain. It's not what we're doing, it's their disfunction but we have to deal with it. We have to learn emotional self defense.
This video was so spot on! Finally someone can describe what I couldn’t. Thank you 🙏🏽
👏👏👏 As a youngster the feelings of phoney lifestyles and manipulative educationally formatting patterns, where recognized. Without really understanding until much later in life. With the help of much needed information as such. People like yourself with a aura of authenticity that you emit, l thank you. 🙂
You're welcome, Dave!!
Another way they covertly sabotage is taking up all your time talking endlessly about them.
Incessant talking is definitely a red flag!
Dear Tamie M, I get you💜💗
I love how you've turned lemons into Lemonade, you DEFINITELY earned the ability to teach narcissism and I love how you teach me and deeply know what you teach.
I've also had to learn from others who they having jealousy what jealously was all about, was foreign to me, because I too, have never had a jealous bone what so ever and, like you related, I didn't see them coming either.
Greetings from
Your Soul Sister in Savannah Georgia..
Love to you💗💜
Yes, that‘s what they do. Talking endlessly and when other pple talk they are bored and play with their phone …
Thanks!
You're so welcome, Jordan! Thanks for watching and thank you for the gratuity!!
OMG. The more I watch your videos, the more I understand what I went through. And this is the most complete explanation of my ex-wife yet. Thank you again for your work.
You are so welcome!!
My parents and a specific coworker to the T! You really nailed it, Tamie, explaining how those 'creatures' move through life. I'm very glad and relieved that I'm not alone! Many thanks!! :-) :-)
My pleasure, Kay! Thanks for watching!!
"Good times"......"Good times" pff,it was hell, never knew these people existed!!!!, sounds so naiv,I know, but Tamie you helped me in a fantastic way to answer the questions I was not able to find on my own, thank you so much for your truly valuable help!!!!
I am glad you are doing these videos. I am unlocking my potential being proud as I am distancing myself. This people are really destructive in the very essence of moral behavior and lack empathy for moral justification. Thank you for sharing
You're welcome!! 🙂
Running their own agenda, - after 3 times of the same thing happening, after communicating that this was hurting the family’s economy, and displaying poor parenting towards our children, when saying one thing and working totally against me.
Crazy making confusing, drama, triangulating me for 2 years.
I finally had enough and called her out of being a lying self sabotaging deceptive manipulator..she really got a emotional reactens out of me.
Don't beat yourself up for the reactive abuse that these types are known for eventually setting up their victims for. The only one you look bad to are their minions. You have something called integrity and integrity doesn't always look pretty sometimes! (Especially when getting knocked sideways out of proportion for something undeserved out of nowhere.) In some cases, what I've done is taken the so-called "L" and let them have the RAGE ATTACK at me (ironically for not having taken the bait to rage back at them that were transparently hoping to set me off with!).
On the other hand, yeah, I've reacted back too. I don't have any regrets. I try to be my best self. But the sweet/mean cycle gets exhausting and I'm not a robot. That's where low contact goes to a more severe form of such (if not to no contact altogether back against them)
Well-explained. Thank You.
My pleasure! Thanks for tuning in!!
You are so hilarious when you do this videos especially when you said good times. Good times. Thank you for the videos from Cynthia.
Hi! I’m new to the channel. My take away was that they can be demure - one of the many confusing attributes that has had me coming back and questioning myself yet again :/
On Target. Well presented. Thank you
My pleasure, R Jo! Thanks for watching!!
Idk if it’ll help anyone but this line helps me a lot when someone is trying to gaslight me (I work at a restaurant, sadly that’s almost everyone there); I just nicely say “you can’t tell me who I am, only I can.” Usually gets no response but ends that quite well.
I love the way you explain things, you’re the best one I found talking about covert narcissist.. 😊
Glad you liked it, Dalya! Thanks for watching!! 🙂
WOW... Tamie youve hit the nail on the proverbial head... Of dozens of explanations of covert narcissists this is the most accurate one in describing a covert narcissist I almost started a relationship with.. But I identified it in days ... I had just spent months learning all I could about narcissists..
Well done you for spotting it early. 🙂
Wow! I'm so glad I watched this. Your description fits my narc sister to a T. Thank you for this.
Just one word: snakes 🐍
You are awesome ❤ thank you for these amazing videos. I really appreciate your expertise and presentation of information that helps recovery. Thank you ❤
They didn’t teach Selena this before Yolanda got it her. This is a life or death teaching. Thank you !!
Wow, you definitely 👍🏿 spot on!
OMG, that gym story is absolutely true!!
You are incredible, Tami! Many thanks!
You're so welcome!
Hi I’m happy I found your channel, I think u have a great way of explaining and like your attitude. Everything u said here is on point. I wish I could send u over to their place to slap them lol
lol! Thanks for tuning in, Deb! I'm glad you're enjoying the content!!
How do you determine the difference between a covert, and an emotionally unavailable/avoidant person in these types of situations? I didn't see my ex as a covert. But I did see immense trauma in his childhood- where he and his mom was abused, so he definitely got this "hero" aspect because his mom had no boundaries either and would involve him in situations- as an example, the abusive father was cheating and she took the kids to "catch him". When I told him I loved him, I saw an immediate change. He started to self sabotage, triangulate, push me away in any way he could. He did break up with me a few months later. I feel maybe that's the difference? He saw his self sabotage behaviors affecting me, and instead of using me "as supply" he broke up.... he did rebound quickly to who I truly believe is a covert narcissist woman (victim mentality to the extreme, very quiet, but also used triangulating on her "old supply" to become even more of a victim to "catch" my ex. She was also on birth control (always had a phone timer) and suddenly she is pregnant with his child...... What do you think?
I like the edit at "again, good times" 👍
The best description and explanation! Am with covert narcissist and was so sure that this is the man this is the one! But he is the worst i found out after knowing him for 7 years! Planning the leave! He is so dangerous and am so scared to pieces
فَلَا تَقْلَقُوا، بَلْ فِي كُلِّ ظَرفٍ، أعلِنُوا للهِ طِلبَاتِكُمْ، بِالصَّلَاةِ وَالتَّضَرُّعِ مَعَ الشُّكْرِ. 7 فَسَلَامُ اللهِ الَّذِي يَفُوقُ كُلَّ عَقلٍ، سَيَحْفَظُ قُلُوبَكُمْ وَعُقُولَكُمْ فِي يَسُوعَ المَسِيحِ. - ﻓﻴﻠﻴﺒﻲ 4:6-7
Thank you for this video!
You described it to a T. To a T.
I went NO CONTACT. I was gobsmacked at the end...but I was thankful to be able to SEE them for who they ARE.
Glad it was helpful!
A girl I had dated back in 1985 for a few months seemed to pop up in a phone call every few years. It was odd that she was tracking me down when she was married and so was I. I felt like she wanted me to cheat on my wife and it upset me. Fast forward to 2020 and both of us are single and about three hours away. She texted me on Facebook and asked if she could call. Wow, we talked for hours and she was like a perfect person for me. Odd first question though after 32 years , She asked if I was a co-dependent person. She said I love you within a week, and I always have. Again she was 13 and I was 16 the few months we dated and I am not that same person. She kept asking about my childhood and my abusive father that the whole world loved. ( You know the rest of the story. )I learned at age 52 I was the scapegoat and that's why he would abuse me for no reason in my mind. I majored in Psychology back in the day and grabbed some old books and the mask fell off of her and my family. Did she know at age 13 that I would be a good source later in life? That is sick. (I wrote about 150 pages when I broke up with her and I swear she wrote the covert book for everyone else. ) She was concerned when we broke up. She needed me to know that I broke up with her. ( Odd, I said that we both lose each other.) What a mess they make for us. Does she know what she is and is she aware?
Thank you for helping me and others understand. Daryl
You're welcome, Daryl! To answer your question, I'm not sure that they are aware that they fall on the spectrum of covert narcissism... but in my experience, they are tortured souls who know full well there is something seriously wrong with themsleves... yet they go through life projecting, shaming, and blaming in an attempt to unburdent themselves from their own deep-seated fear, guilt, and shame... doing all manner of damage with little to no concern for the damage done to others. It's pretty sick stuff!!
I'm new here and I am SOOOOOOO GLAD TO HAVE DISCOVERED YOUR TH-cam!!
Soul stripping demons. I gotta work on my Wonder Woman outfit. Just signed up for your Freedom Class. Looking forward to healing from the inside out. Thank you! 🌸💛😊
Woot woot! I'm SO excited for you, Sanjana! My team and I very much look forward to supporting you on your journey! Please reach out anytime you have a question or need support!! Welcome to The Freedom Family!! 🙂💕
@@tamiemjoyce Just started lesson one. Cried. This is going to be tough. 💞
@@sanjanabhatia5156 It's not easy or comfortable work, that's for sure... but compared to the alternative.... repeating the patterns of narcissistic abuse... it's a cakewalk! You've got this, Sanjana! And my team and I are here for you. Please reach out any time you have a question or need additional support!! Sending you a BIG virtual hug and lots of love from Calgary, Sister!! 💕
Excellent information, completely true, I figured out when and how this came about in my life. Thank you so much for your videos. I like your well explained straightforward delivery of this topic.
My pleasure, Betty! Thanks for tuning in!!
Unfortunately my brother is like this. And I cut cords. But is sad, when it is family.
I did too with entire family. Such difficult karma but it had to be done
You saved my life Tammie! You opened my eyes to the likelihood possibility that my dad was a covert narcissist & why i kept attracting to that type of man. Thank you!
You're so welcome, Monica! That realization can be a total game-changer. That said, be sure to do your healing work IF you want the pattern to change. 😉💕
Wth ! It's like you were there, watching what happened to me with someone like this. It's uncanny ! Good job !
Oh my gosh, this sounds like my phony narcissistic brother. He would compliment me and right after followed by a mean comment of now fuck off, all in one conversation, it was so confusing, crazy making. And all the rest of the disordered stuff you mention. It was sheer insanity. You nailed this to a tee. I have experienced this to the tee. It was so draining and head scratching. Looking back, it was extreme pychological abuse because it was so painful and confusing. Also, you confirmed that I always thought he was a very envious and jealous type person who smiled in my face and smeared me behind my back. He was always the victim and I was like, is this guy delusional, I've done nothing to him, in fact, I tried to help him. I'm not saying I'm a perfect human but sure did try to have a normal interaction with him. He was attention seeking and then when I would give him the attention he would poo poo it away, as if I was bothersome, so I would leave him alone. First I would be called selfish for not paying attention and then when I would walk away and ignore I would be called a bitch..There was no winning with these people, in this double bind, you can't win. This video is so on point.
I'm sorry you've had to endure such emotional and psychological abuse, MK. And it's true, there is no winning with these people... not unless they want or need something from you, and even then, it will be short-lived. Thanks for tuning in!!
Hello, thank you sister for sharing your clarity and wisdom. Its clearing so many things for me. No words to express my appreciation, bless you